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Raising Confident Communicators | The Positively Healthy Mom with Elizabeth Green
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When we see our kids struggling, our instinct is to step in and help. But what if confidence is built not through fixing, but through patience, practice, and trust?
In this episode of The Positively Healthy Mom Podcast, host Laura Ollinger, teen and parent well-being coach and founder of Positively Healthy Coaching, sits down with Elizabeth Green, Founder of My Speech and Debate Coach, to talk about how kids and teens build real confidence through communication.
Elizabeth shares her personal journey from being an extremely shy child to becoming a broadcast news anchor, and how one teacher changed the trajectory of her life. Today, she leads a global team helping kids and teens build confidence, connection, and communication skills through public speaking and debate.
Together, Laura and Elizabeth explore:
• Why confidence grows through practice, not perfection
• How parents can support communication without rescuing
• The power of patience and the pause
• How to prompt meaningful conversations with kids and teens
• When to push kids outside their comfort zone
• Why praise matters more than critique
• The “4 P’s” of building confidence: Prompts, Patience, Push Them, Praise
This conversation is full of practical, real-life tools parents can use at home to help kids find and trust their voice.
✨ About Elizabeth Green
Elizabeth Green is the Founder of My Speech and Debate Coach. After overcoming extreme shyness and building a career in broadcast journalism, she now helps kids and teens around the world develop confidence and communication skills through public speaking and debate education.
🌐 Website: https://www.myspeechanddebatecoach.com
📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/myspeechanddebatecoach/
📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/myspeechanddebatecoach
▶️ YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@myspeechanddebatecoach
👩💻 About the Host
Laura Ollinger is a teen and parent well-being coach and the founder of Positively Healthy Coaching. Through coaching, education, and her podcast, Laura supports families in building emotional resilience, nervous system awareness, and healthy communication.
🌐 Podcast & Resources: https://positivelyhealthycoaching.com/podcast
📸 Instagram: @positivelyhealthycoaching
📘 Facebook: Positively Healthy Coaching
If this episode resonates, please like, subscribe, and share it with a parent who wants to raise confident, capable communicators.
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Transcript
The Role of Struggle in Learning
00:00:00
Speaker
When we see our kids struggling, i think we want to help. Sometimes we need to let them struggle. The best sound bites always came if I paused. It can be uncomfortable, but you always get the best information. we're not We're not after perfection, we're after practice.
Meet the Hosts
00:00:15
Speaker
Hello and welcome to today's episode of the Positively Healthy Mom. I'm your host, Laura Olinger, teen and parent well-being coach and founder of Positively Healthy Coaching.
00:00:24
Speaker
And you're going to love today's guest. We have Elizabeth Green, who is the founder of My Speech and Debate Coach, and she's all about helping kids and teens find their voice and use it with confidence.
00:00:35
Speaker
What's so cool is she actually started out super shy, that that type of kid who's just dreaded speaking in class until a teacher completely changed her life. The experience led her to become a broadcast news anchor, and now she's paying it forward by helping young people around the world build the same confidence, connection, and communication skills. So welcome, Elizabeth. I'm so happy
Elizabeth's Journey from Shyness to Public Speaking
00:00:57
Speaker
to have you here. Thank you for having me. I'm excited to be here.
00:01:00
Speaker
Yes. Yes. So first, like the story I want to know is what happened with the teacher that changed her life? I mean, absolutely changed my life. So I um was extremely shy as a child. Like you said, I have a very vivid memory one morning of getting on the bus and the bus driver didn't let me and my best friend sit together. And I cried because I was so afraid of being alone or being with somebody who I didn't know. That's the kind of kid I was just very, very shy. i didn't want to talk to anybody, not even really other kids.
00:01:28
Speaker
Yeah. And what great what about how old were you then? ah That was probably elementary school, late elementary school, because I remember that feeling. yeah um And then in junior high or middle school, we had to take a speech class and I dreaded it with all of my being. I felt sick before I had to give the speech. I don't remember what the speech was even about. I just remember feeling absolutely terrified. Didn't want to do it, but had to do it. And I was a good student, so I wanted to do my best, but I was terrified of it. And I, there her name was Miss Day. ah She was the the the leader of the speech and debate team for our school.
00:02:05
Speaker
And she saw potential in me in that one, I'm sure not very good speech, but she made me feel so... so good afterwards. She literally convinced me to join the speech and debate team where I went on and did competitions. I won scholarships. Like you said, I went on to become a broadcast news
Transition from Broadcasting to Coaching
00:02:23
Speaker
reporter and it just really opened me up to feeling confident in what I had to say and comfortable talking to people. And absolutely just that one class, that one speech, that one teacher always say literally changed the trajectory of my life.
00:02:38
Speaker
Wow. That's amazing. And do you remember anything specific that she said, or was it more the feeling that you remember? It was absolutely the feeling because I guess I don't remember the speech. I don't remember what feedback she gave me. I'm assuming it was probably just all positive. She just boosted, you know, built me up, but no, I just remember the feeling of like, okay, I can do this. I don't necessarily enjoy doing it. It still makes me feel sick, but I can do it and I can do it pretty good. So I'm going to do it. And then the more I did it, you know, the more or that feeling went away and just the enjoyment factor came in.
00:03:08
Speaker
Yes. Yes. And so how did that and becoming a not broadcast news anchor, then turn you into a coach for speaking. So one of those situations that, you know, that like, if you think of the way your life's going to ah go, it might, did not go that way. I would have, if you would have asked me 30 years ago, i would say today I would be on good morning America. That was what I was going to do. And there was no changing my, my attitude on that. My husband and I got pregnant. Um,
Teaching Confidence Over Competition
00:03:38
Speaker
unexpectedly, we had literally just moved eight hours from our family, both of our families and started new jobs. I was a news reporter at that time. And two weeks into the job, I woke up with ah feeling sick and my husband went and got me a Sprite and a pregnancy test. And that was it. um So after having my son, I realized I can't live that kind of life where it's just a very demanding career.
00:04:03
Speaker
yeah And I didn't want that. And so I'd worked in corporate communications for about a decade. And then one of the blessings that came out of COVID for me was randomly seeing an ad for teaching kids online.
00:04:17
Speaker
And my husband is a PE teacher at a public school. And I tried to get him to do it thinking, hey, we could just make a little bit extra money. And yeah he was already having to do virtual learning and it was new to everybody and it was awful. And so he was like, no, I'm not doing that. And so I randomly threw out a couple of classes on journalism.
00:04:35
Speaker
And it somehow spiraled into ah becoming the top speech and debate provider on the OutSchool platform. So I grew, i have a team of teachers. We've taught over 14,000 kids, which is incredible. And, but again, something that I'd never, ever in a million years would have pegged for it to be my life now, but I'm so grateful for the way it did.
00:04:56
Speaker
Yeah, that absolutely. I feel like that's the way life happens, right? It's always yeah the unexpected. And we always say, oh, I could have never imagined that. But it sounds like yes, yes. um And so I know that you are, you know, really what you focus on with the speaking and the communication is something that you call like the four P's of building confidence. Can you tell us like what that is?
00:05:16
Speaker
Yeah. Well, and actually let's just back up just a little bit too, because we do teach speech and debate, but our primary mission is to build confidence and communication skills in kids and teens around the world.
00:05:27
Speaker
If some of our kids go on to compete, that's fantastic. If they want to participate in actual speech and debate competitions, that's great. That's a fantastic extracurricular to be involved in. There's so many benefits to it, but if all they do is walk out of our class feeling more confident and using their voice, that's what we're after. That is so important because public speaking is the number one fear for most people.
00:05:52
Speaker
Like people literally would prefer to be in the casket than giving a eulogy, yeah you know, like that. And that's wild. And of course I was one of those people until, you know, until ah things changed for me. And it's not so much about being able to stand up on a stage and command an audience. It is literally about being confident and using your voice and that strengthens ah relationships. I mean, obviously that's great for any work environment, but we have to be able to communicate in order to have strong and healthy relationships. And they say that kids who are confident in themselves and especially in communicating are less likely to fall to peer pressure. They are more likely to stand up for people in situations where somebody is being picked on, you know, all the things that we want our kids to be confident in being a good person. Right. yeah And so just building the basic communication skills in them, whether they ever like go on to do it in a competitive form, that's okay neither here and nor there. It's about building that communication that's going to serve them
The Four P's of Communication: Patience, Prompts, Push, Praise
00:06:53
Speaker
for life. Okay. I'm so glad you helped me understand that. Cause yeah, I felt like, oh, this is, you know, great for speech and debate kids and anyone who does a lot of public speaking, but really it's just almost every kid who needs to build, learn and build those communication skills. Cause they're going to use that ah in every form of their life. Cause that's kind of what we do we communicate as humans so um that's so awesome i'm glad that you're like catering to kind of such a wide audience because again you know that is one of the biggest struggles that i see when i'm coaching with teenagers is um you know how do i say this to my friend or how do i say this to my boyfriend like i even have one boy i'm coaching right now who's gonna break up with his girlfriend and so we're like coaching them through on like what what how is he going to say it what's what's going to happen if this happened like we going we're going through all the scenarios and so i know that that's something and even my own kids sometimes they'll say mom how should i write this email or what should i say in this text right it's always like a forming the idea coming up with the i mean you would know it better than i would but like coming up with the content and then like really checking the tone And then making sure we've covered everything and just like being, but being respectful, being kind. It's like, there's so many boxes that have to be checked and that's just like everyday life stuff. That's not even counting like the, the more professional type things or like you're saying competition based. So yes, yes. Okay. So now um that we're kind of understanding that part, like is that,
00:08:18
Speaker
you know how you start with the clients that you're working with or in the class? like Is it those the four Ps that you're we're referring to or is it just is there something else we need to talk about first? Yeah, no, we can definitely dive into the four Ps. And these are the approaches we take with our students. These are things that were life learned lessons for me and things I try to do as a mom with my kids too. Again, the the main thing is we want them to feel confident using their voice. That's what we're after. okay um So ah the the very first P is ah Patience. So this can be difficult, I think, especially for moms. When we see our kids struggling with anything, we want to help, right? Sometimes we need to let them struggle. And so when I say that, I mean, give them patience to produce what they want to say. So how many times are you talking to your child and they're like, oh, I can't think of the word for it. And we pop in and we're like, what was this, this, this, or whatever. Or like you said, your kids are asking you, what do I say to my teacher? And we say, say this instead of, well, let's think about it. What do you think you should say? Patience is one of, mean, it's, it sounds so obvious, but we are busy people, especially as moms. Right. And we don't always have the time to give them the space to figure out what they want to say. But when we have that time, it is really important. One of the things that I learned in journalism school was the power of the pause. And this kind of falls in line with, with being patient.
00:09:47
Speaker
yeah um And it was when you're asking somebody a question, when you're interviewing them and they stopped talking, give it a couple of seconds before you start again. And it never failed. It's awkward. It feels very awkward. You have to, we don't like silence. We want to feel silence. And so it's our instinct to just go on to the next thing, but it never failed out of the thousands of people I interviewed. The best sound bites always came if I paused. Right. And then they would deliver the the impactful, you know, the part, the part that they were really feeling but couldn't figure out how to say.
00:10:18
Speaker
And so for our kids, sometimes we're not we're not interviewing them, but just being patient to let them figure out the words that they want to use. if they can't find the word or without diving right into the next thing, just giving them that pause. And again, it it can be uncomfortable, but you always get the best information if you just pause. And a personal example, my 16 year old um is, has his first girlfriend and I i want to ask all the questions. I'm his mom and I'm a reporter at heart. I want to ask all the questions, but I have had to make myself listen to what he says and then pause instead of being like, well, what about this? What about, what do you think about this? And it, most of the time, sometimes that's the end of it. You know, that he doesn't have anything else to say, but sometimes he has something else to say and it takes the conversation in a whole different way than it would have. So the power of the pause and just being patient and not filling in the blanks for them, let them fill in the blanks themselves.
00:11:19
Speaker
That's our first. party and and especially with boys as well because i feel like you and i are like energetically a match because we're kind of fast paceced and we're enthusiastic and i have one of my sons is a little bit slower he's a little bit it's not that he's a slow person he just like the way he communicates yeah And so I find myself having to like slow down and kind of like match his speed and just kind of be present, wait and see. So I love the advice you're giving because that is, and you know, girls can be the same way too, but my girls are both kind of like more like me. They're like, okay, it you know? yeah And so it's interesting, you know, you really have to do, that you do have to to adjust and kind of sometimes like you're saying, kind of just pause and allow and see, because you're right. Like sometimes he will say something. i'm like, oh,
00:12:06
Speaker
um yeah right Right. I didn't, I wasn't expecting that. Yeah. There is yeah so much, there is really power in that silence whenever we, you know, we can't do that all the time. Right. But when we're consciously thinking about it, especially if you're having what seemed to be important conversations, don't rush from one thing to the next. But like I said, even just in the everyday of them, not being able to find the word that they're looking for, let them sort it out. We,
00:12:29
Speaker
You know, as moms, we want to fix it, but yeah let them sort it out so that they can figure out if they can't think of the word they're looking for, they can find a synonym or something in their brains. You know, their brains are totally capable of doing it. We just have to let them.
00:12:42
Speaker
Yes. And from a neuroscience perspective, I always call it like the muscle building, right? Like the more we're allowing their brain to do that search and find the process, they're actually strengthening the um neural connections.
00:12:54
Speaker
So that way it gets easier and easier and easier, just like you're doing your reps at the gym with a five pound weight. And then all of sudden you're like, oh, well now I'm ready for the 10 pounder because that was easy. Right. And so it's like by interrupting, you're kind of interrupting that, but that neurocircuitry. So, okay. Yeah. had to throw in that little brain science stuff there for a second.
00:13:11
Speaker
Yeah. Okay. So what, so um patience. And so what would be the next, um the next step? So one thing that we do a lot of in our classes, and this is, um this is something that the kids absolutely love. I even do this with my kids and their friends when they're at our house is, well, I'm i'm getting ahead of myself, but the the P is prompts, prompting them to have communication with you. So another back to journalism school, right? We were taught never ask closed end questions. You never ask something that's going to give a yes or a no. You can't use a soundbite like that. You have to use open ended questions.
00:13:45
Speaker
So, and I think about like, if I, uh, so my son comes home from school, how was your day? Yeah. it's it Right. Or if he comes home from school and I say, what did you all do today in agriculture class?
00:13:58
Speaker
What are you growing? What did you learn? You know, he still might not be super excited to have the conversation with me because it's school and, the you know, yeah you know, he doesn't love it, but I get more information out of him that way.
00:14:10
Speaker
No, asking open-ended questions is huge, but also, um you know, think about the last time you ran into a friend and most of the time our conversations are, hey, how have you been?
00:14:21
Speaker
Good. Good. How about you? Good. We learned nothing, right? Everybody says good, even if things really aren't good. But if you run into somebody and they're like, hey, how how's your mom doing after that surgery? Right. Or what'd y'all do this weekend? Did you do anything fun? You know, like it, that is where we build conversation and, and we're, we so lean on the, how have you been? And it tells us nothing. It's just superficial, but we need to do the same thing with our kids and prompting them to give us real information. If we want to know how their day is, Hey, did you have a chance to talk with Stephen, I know you guys were kind of upset with each other the other day. Did you all get a chance to talk it out? What did that look like? You know, just being able to really prompt them with things that they hopefully will want to talk to you about, but but but not always. But just asking those questions.
00:15:09
Speaker
questions where we're looking for real answers, not just a yes or no or good, and change the course of the conversation. And so what we do in our classes is we do a lot of would you rather questions. And the way we teach it, we're teaching them to do public speaking. So what we do is we always say, we're going to you your question.
00:15:27
Speaker
You're going to answer the question, but you have to answer it in sentence form and in speech form. And so this is a very simple process that you can teach your kids. It's ah answer with a beginning, a middle, and an end.
00:15:40
Speaker
That is super simple, right? So what does that mean? The beginning is answer the question. Well, if the question is, would you rather ah live in outer space or in the ocean, right? they They should start with, I would rather live here.
00:15:54
Speaker
Give me a couple of reasons. And then we always say, if you just stop talking after you give us your reasons for this thought, we don't know that you're done. So if you do want it to sound like a polished and professional speech, then you always circle back to the beginning. And so after giving the reasons, then a simple way to do that is, so those are a few reasons why I'd rather live in outer space. and Now we don't communicate like that regularly. But in a situation where you want to sound polished and professional, that is a super easy way to do it. And it's very easy for the kids to grasp this. um I even was watching an interview with Taylor Swift the other day and noticed how she did it. Like on the late night shows, that's what she did with every question. She would answer and always circle back. Yeah. So it feels closed. Like, oh, I've learned something. And again, that's not way the way that we communicate.
00:16:42
Speaker
regularly, but it is a good skill to be able to have. But we do this in our classes and the kids love it. And then my house is kind of the the go-to house. There are always extra children at my house. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah at dinner time, I will often, pull I have like a, like a gross, would you rather book? Cause we have boys here and I'll pull that book out and I'll ask him a question and they have to answer it that way. Like i remind them, you this is the way you have to do it. And it's funny because they're always like, no, we don't want to do school. And then i answer or ask the question and they like, they start raising their hands. Like they want to share, you know, yeah they do. Yes. And And so um in that realm, we're practicing public speaking more so than communications. But so it's a matter of just in general, prompting them with open-ended questions, have it like if you're in the car and you got, you know, you're just, it's silent, ask silly, would you rather questions or two truths and a lie. Anytime we do this,
00:17:41
Speaker
they're practicing. And the more they do it, the better they're going to get, like you said earlier. so yeah and and I say the magic of our classes is not that we are doing something magical. We are giving kids an opportunity to share their thoughts and opinions about things, sometimes silly things, sometimes real world issues. And we're actively listening.
00:18:02
Speaker
That's it. That's what they love. They have real thoughts and opinions on things. And if we give them an opportunity to share, they feel valued and they practice it and they learn how to share better and better each time.
00:18:14
Speaker
Wow. I'm actually so glad that I did come across you as a resource because- My daughter is, well, my oldest, have four kids and my oldest is now an amazing public speaker. And the way she became an amazing public speaker is because in her seventh grade leadership class, this is what the teacher was having them do. She would have them, and it sometimes it was a planned speech and other times she, it was just like rapid fire, stand up and give an impromptu speech on. And my daughter, hey, hated it at first, she hated it.
00:18:47
Speaker
And she always says, and and you know, you take this with a grain of salt. She goes, I got bullied into being confident because the teacher was just so like structured and strict about it, but the teacher was determined to to get these kids to be able to do it. And it worked. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, it's just like that repetition of like being, sharing your thoughts and ideas and having people listen and then being like, oh, I didn't die. Like nothing terrible happened. Like just getting think that practice and probably really good feedback when they're in your group. and So i I think that's so fun. There's one question I once asked.
00:19:24
Speaker
So I took my son and my other kids out for his birthday, but we also had his friend And then his girlfriend, and this was several years ago. So keep in mind, like, this is like middle school, you know, yeah and my younger daughter. And so I was trying to think like, how can I get this little group to bond? Because it was like a very awkward, you know, it was like my daughter was like,
00:19:45
Speaker
10. then this teenage girl that he was dating was like 14. And like, how does this come together? So I ended up randomly asking this question. What would you do if your friend had spinach stuck in their teeth? Would you tell them, would you not, would you did it? And so it ended up, and they were like, mom, that is such a weird question. Yeah.
00:20:05
Speaker
But it ended up like coming you becoming this whole conversation about, well, then would you want someone to tell you and and and all this stuff. And so I just love that idea of the open ended and the kind of hypothetical situations and kind of letting them sort it out. And it just, it can create some like fun dialogues for sure. So yes.
00:20:24
Speaker
Um, okay. Yeah. And I just to add onto that really quickly that if you are doing that in class, that can be very intimidating, but if you're doing it at home regularly, then what's going to happen when you're asked to do that in class, it's a little bit more comfortable and it all goes back to being public speaking, being a fear. So the more we can do at home to help them feel confident in situations like that, yeah less scary. It is when they're around other people. But I love that. And that's, and it's interesting that our kids love it. I mean, the first class they come to, it's always like I'm sure they're nervous about it. I would have been too, you know, but, but then they're like, oh, okay, this is easy enough. I can do this. And they're just sharing, you know, things that they're interested in. So yeah it's a little thing, but the confidence we see grow from that is extreme.
00:21:10
Speaker
Okay. Oh, actually, yeah, that was the last part of my story, which is I'm so disappointed because they are not offering that class this year. And so my oldest daughter took that one, but now my youngest daughter isn't able to take it. And I was so excited for her to be able, so maybe that's why I'm saying I'm glad we found you. And, and, and, you know, maybe her friends can join you as well in in a speaking class. So, um, okay. So that's number two. So, um, what's next? All right. This is the hard one too for parents, but push them.
00:21:34
Speaker
Push them out of their comfort zone. Okay. Most kids are not going to volunteer to read a verse at church or say this, uh, the pledge at scouts, you, some kids will, some kids love it, right? Some are natural communicators and they yeah want to be seen and heard. Most people aren't, they're not going to volunteer to do it.
00:21:55
Speaker
Volunteer them. My parents did this to me too. And I was terrified when I would have to get up and read the verse in church. And afterwards, everybody would come up and say, Oh, you did such a great job. You did such a great job.
00:22:06
Speaker
That just boosted my confidence every single time. So um push them to do things that they're not necessarily comfortable with, because that's the only way we can get better and get more comfortable is by doing things. But I also like to say, safely, let them talk to strangers.
00:22:22
Speaker
If you are going through the checkout line and somebody is saying, oh, how was your all's day? They should speak up too. They're being spoken to as well. And now oftentimes like the cashier is probably just going to talk to the adult, but if they, somebody is addressing your child,
00:22:36
Speaker
Let your child respond. Let them order their meal at McDonald's or at a restaurant. Let them call and order pizza for pizza night. um My son, um recently we've gone through getting a driver's license and insurance. I had him call our insurance company to get the quote about adding him to our policy. And it's, it's, it's, it can be funny because, you know, they don't know what to say sometimes. And the first time I had my son make a phone call like that, um, they answered and they were like, Hey, this is Nancy. And he was like, hi. And there was this pause. And then she was like, how can I help you? You know? And so, but you have to do it to learn how to do it. Yeah. And, um, I, in college, one of my best friends and my roommates was so shy. She would, she would beg us to call and order pizza for her.
00:23:26
Speaker
This is a 19 year old woman, right? Yeah. And so the sooner we get our kids doing things like that in everyday life, the the less scary it becomes. but I believe public speaking is a fear that we build into them. I don't think that most people are like, I mean, people don't like to get up on a stage, right? That's, that's given, but yeah being able to pick up the phone and call somebody, like if we don't give them the exposure to that, of course, it's going scary because they've never done it. But um if they're having an issue at school, maybe they disagree with a grade they got from the teacher, you don't reach out, have them reach out. And I'm talking like middle school level, they should be able to do this. So giving them those opportunities and pushing them to take them, even if they're like, I don't want to do that.
00:24:11
Speaker
Well, just like our speech and debate classes. I know a lot of kids don't come to our classes at first willingly, right? yeah Parents are signing them up because they see the value in it. Now, thankfully, we're able to convert them pretty quickly and they end up loving it and want to continue. But oftentimes it's going to take us pushing them a little out of their comfort zone to do these things. And the more they do it and the younger they do it, the less of a chance that it will ever even be a fear of theirs.
00:24:35
Speaker
Yes, yes. And um I'm just thinking of all the people I know that I've kind of had to go through this process with, um you know, kind of teaching life skills. So, yeah, I've had clients where the parent thought that the teenager should be able to make their own doctor's appointment and even go to the doctor by themselves. And I'm One of my clients I remember was afraid to discuss medication because she didn't know all the names of them. And so we literally like started with um having her call and order pizza. Like that was the step one. Like that's such a great practice ground because the barrier, the threshold is very low for messing that up, right? Like how can you mess up ordering pizza? Or if you do, who cares, right? It's probably just some, you know, person that's answering the phone and they get a million calls and they're never going to remember who said what to them. So it's it's like not a big deal, but yeah, like to kind of work up the confidence to then be able to go and talk to her doctor about her medication and how she was feeling. And so, yeah, it's definitely a skill in like getting all those reps in to get to that point in life is such an important life skill. So I'm glad that that's something that you're teaching. That's so awesome. And that's just something we just naturally do, right? We're the mom. We're going to just do the things. We're going get it done, you know, but, um, when you have the time and I even say like, I'm not going to give you the phone number, Google it. You can find the phone number, you know, like, you know, those just little things like that. When we don't give them everything and we don't do everything for them. And that's something is a mom. It's really hard sometimes, time i know but it is important that we're cognizant of that and giving them those opportunities when we can.
00:26:06
Speaker
Yeah, and also, again, with like different kids and different personalities, I find that I'm a little bit more expecting more, I guess, of my daughters. I feel i mean I just feel like they are, and my sons are perfectly capable, but for some reason, I think they're just boys and I just assume they don't know.
00:26:24
Speaker
And so I find myself like doing more, but yeah, it's like having to like allow that and hold hold myself back and be like, oh wait, they're perfectly capable. If they can do this. I always say, I tell people, if your kid can play an iPad, which is like, what, two years old? Not that I'm actually saying this, but like, if they can play an iPad, they can do their own laundry, right? Another like lifestyle.
00:26:44
Speaker
skill, if they can learn how to push this button and this button and do this, like that's all it takes. Right. And so it's like, if you can do this, then you can do that. And so I really need to realize that, you know, if my kids are capable, my boys are capable of talking to their coaches and their friends just fine, then they're totally capable of being able to call and reschedule their orthodontist appointment. Right. Like, of course you can do that. So, um, yes, but just having that awareness. And I think like this conversation today is giving me some ideas. So I'm thankful for this.
00:27:11
Speaker
Uh, awesome. Okay. So what is our last P then? Our last P is praise, praise, praise, praise. We're putting them in situations that they're not totally comfortable in. We're putting them in situations to call and order pizza for the very first time. And now I'm not going to be like, oh, you did such a great job ordering pizza. You know what to mean? yeah But um especially in those situations where it's something that made them uncomfortable, I I'm really proud of you. I know that was a little awkward. You did a great job. I'm proud you for doing it. yeah And especially in those situations where if we are having them do a form of public speaking or we're doing the prompts and we are expecting them to give it in the form of a speech to practice, even if it's just in front of us, hold back the critiques. It you're going to see all kinds of things that they could do better, but that is the quickest way to diminish their confidence, praise them, tell them what they did good. And you don't, and, and not just like, oh you did a great job.
00:28:05
Speaker
Be specific. Um, you really did a great job, like holding my attention with that. Or in my case, I talk fast, right? So when I work with other students, I always have to say, like, if you're a fast talker like me, you literally have to think about slowing down. So you're thinking about what you're saying and how you're saying it. And that can be challenging. So if I noticed they did, Hey, you did a really great job slowing down. i was able to follow you.
00:28:28
Speaker
We want them to get better, of course, and especially if it's something like a competition level. and That's a little bit different. But when we're building those basic skills and that basic confidence, tell them what they did good and leave it at that. Now, if they say something like, I did terrible, why do you think that?
00:28:48
Speaker
What could you do better? But what I'm not saying, yeah, well, I noticed you did this. I noticed you did that. Especially, like I said, we're not, we're not after perfection. We're after practice. And that is going back to the very beginning of our conversation.
00:29:02
Speaker
I don't remember what Mrs. Day said to me after my speech, but I am fairly positive. She didn't critique me at all. And that just goes so far. And so, you know, like I said, just the more they do it, the
The Impact of Belief and Confidence in Public Speaking
00:29:16
Speaker
better they're going to get. And they'll do it more and more if they feel like you think they're doing a good job.
00:29:21
Speaker
Yes. Yes. It's so true. They always say it's so, um, powerful to just have someone believe in you. And that sounds exactly like what happened. Like you can really like capture or absorb that belief into your own body and nervous system. And I can say I, for a fact, I've experienced that myself. Like I i was not a great public speaker. I was very afraid to public speak. And I had a a mentor and ah I had my own speech coach. And as an adult, and can, he saw so much in me. He's like, you have so much value. You have so much to deliver. you have so much energy. Like, he's like, I know you can do this. And I was like, it's like, and I believed him. Like he, he could see that in me. And I was like, okay, well, if he thinks it, then I think it too. Right. Like that's how that works. Like, I'm like, I trust him. And so therefore I'm going to believe his opinion of me instead of my old, that was kind of like my old beliefs about myself, like what I was capable of in the past versus what he sees in me in my future.
00:30:23
Speaker
So right yes, it can make a huge difference. yeah Huge difference. And, and I would say like, it's kind of the same thing as like an apology. If let's say you're in a a spat with your, your partner and they apologize and they're like, I I'm sorry I raised my voice, but and Nothing else matters anymore. that that That apology is like wiped out the window. yeah And so it's the same thing with, um ah well, I think you did a great job, but here's what you should work on. And again, if if we're talking like competitive speakers, yes, they're going to need that feedback, but we're not, that's not what we're focused on at home, right? We're focused on building that confidence so that they can communicate in the world around them. And that most of the time means biting your tongue about telling the ways that they could do better. And we mean it from a great place, you know, but it's not always the the best response that, especially in something scary.
00:31:15
Speaker
Like, yeah. I'm so glad you're saying that. And hopefully so many moms will be taking that to heart because yeah, we all know the feeling, right? Like it's on the tip of our tongue. We're like, and then like try to like pull it back. You know, it does take a little bit of just this awareness. Right. And like realizing like what is helpful for my child versus what do I feel like saying right now? And like, yes. it's not about you. And realized this is about them and what's helpful for them and not like what makes you feel like you're being a good mom because you told them something, right? Like, and so it's just like, and I think like once you kind of can think of it that way, then um then it gets easier, right? And we can be like, okay, I'm just gonna let my child, you know, hear the good things. And like you're saying that those critiques and stuff, yes, maybe that's a later point. Or if they say,
00:32:07
Speaker
you know, what could be better? How could I change if they're asking for the advice? Or there's been a time actually just ah in the past few days, my daughter, like I said, she's an amazing speaker now. And she and her, she has a team of, in their entrepreneurship class are submitting an idea to, it's a,
00:32:26
Speaker
big conference in Austin, like South by Southwest. i don't know if you've ever heard of it, but it's like, it's, it's, it's in like an an internationally renowned conference. And I'm actually not sure I'm to this day, even I'm like, it is this for kids? Are you guys just entering into the adult conversation, the adult competition? she goes, well, I don't know. Anyway, so they're recording your submission the other day and they were talking so fast and they, I just went over and of course, you know, I'm really sensitive and it's her with her group.
00:32:54
Speaker
And I just said, oh, I'm wondering, is there a time limit for your submission? And they said, oh yeah, we only have two minutes. And so one of the guys goes, why are we talking too fast?
00:33:05
Speaker
And I'm like, well, you know, it does sound really fast. And so that's kind of all I said. Like, i don't even know if I said, it just kind of sounds like, good thing you know, like this. So after that, they were really receptive and they're like, oh, we have like an extra 11 seconds spared.
00:33:21
Speaker
So they totally slowed it down and it sounded beautifully. But that was only because I knew they could handle that feedback. And I said, i think I even said, are you open to feedback before I even asked them that? So I think like that would be if a mom is like on, you know,
00:33:36
Speaker
Debating like, do I say this? Do I not? You know, always ask permission. That's kind of my rule of thumb. Like, are you open to some feedback? And and if they say no, then you just say, oh, okay,
Closing Thoughts and Resources
00:33:46
Speaker
that's it, right? Like there's nothing else to it. There's no more, nothing else in the conversation.
00:33:50
Speaker
So anyway, okay, Elizabeth, we have definitely gone a little long, but that's because of everything. No, it's's it's weird. I'm in like absolutely loving this conversation. I'm finding it so valuable for the moms to hear, because again, this can apply to almost any situation that their kids are in, or, um you know, even if they have ah a college age or like an older child, who's like doing job interviews and just like learning these skills, I think can be so incredibly valuable. So how can people find you going forward?
00:34:20
Speaker
So we are on all the socials, but our website is my speech and debate coach.com. We also have a YouTube channel where we produce speech and debate tips in two minutes. So helping and and they are tied to debate sometimes, but they're still tied to like critical thinking. They would apply to anybody. How to spot a fallacy, you know, those things. So those are really geared towards more the kids.
00:34:43
Speaker
And then we also have a podcast where we talk about ways to build confidence and communication skills in our kids. And links for all of that are on the website, but you can find us anywhere at My Speech and Debate Coach. Perfect. And we'll add that all in the show notes. So Elizabeth, thank you so much for your time. I've really enjoyed this. And I found it again, extremely valuable to just have a framework. And that way the moms, if they're taking notes or whatever, they can go back and be like, okay, this is what I could do better. Maybe I need more patients. Maybe I need to push them a little more, like, right. They can like kind of self-evaluate and figure out like where the imbalances are and kind of get to the right spot that they want to be. So thank you so much.
00:35:16
Speaker
Thank you for having me.