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Red Flags, Green Flags, and Gut Feelings
26 Plays2 days ago
If you’ve ever left a conversation feeling completely drained but couldn’t quite explain why — you’ve met a red flag.
If you’ve ever felt lighter, seen, or calmer after spending time with someone — that’s a green flag.
In this week’s episode of Exhausted Sparrows Unite, we’re calling out the red flags and green flags in our relationships — friends, coworkers, partners, even family — and learning how to trust what we feel without doubting our sanity.
We’ll dig into:
Red Flags:
· What gaslighting really is (and why it’s not just manipulation, but emotional distortion).
· The subtle signs of control, inconsistency, and “energy freeloading.”
· Why caregivers and empaths often excuse red flags instead of walking away.
· How attachment styles make us drawn to the very patterns that hurt us.
Green Flags:
· What safe, emotionally mature behavior actually looks like (hint: it’s quiet and consistent).
· Why people who respect your boundaries are the ones who really care.
· How to notice small, steady signs of reliability instead of chasing grand gestures.
· Relearning what healthy connection feels like after you’ve been in survival mode.
You’ll walk away with practical tools to spot red flags early, celebrate the green ones, and even recognize your own patterns — both the ones that need healing and the ones that deserve celebration.
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction and Today's Topic
00:00:04
Speaker
Welcome to Exhausted Sparrows Unite. I am your host, Krista Jones, with my co-host, Chantel Schaefer. And today we're going to be talking about red flags and green flags.
00:00:20
Speaker
something that we have all thought, oh, that's easy. i can see it. I know what's red and green, but sometimes it's really subtle and you need to really identify the difference so that you can have healthy relationships.
00:00:33
Speaker
So as we break that down, we're going to tell you what you need to watch for, right? We're going to tell you why sometimes we tolerate red flags. This is going to be good. and how we notice the subtle green ones that so many of our friends are showing us that indicate really good, healthy relationships.
00:00:52
Speaker
We're going to lose sight of nothing today.
Charity Work and Personal Commitment
00:00:56
Speaker
We're going to gain a sense of humor and we're going to dive right in. Welcome, Chantelle Shafer. Hello, Krista Jones.
00:01:05
Speaker
How are you on the stair? Are you feeling red flagged or green flagged? I'm feeling green flagged because I'm with you. Oh, that's really nice. So today you can see i have the red flag. See my red flag?
00:01:18
Speaker
Chantella is the green flag. And you're also probably saying for any of you that are tuning into the video portion of this, you're probably saying, why in the world are you wearing an apron? Great question, audience.
00:01:30
Speaker
because I didn't have enough time to get out of my apron after cooking for 450 people and get in here and change into something nice because I'm living my best authentic self.
00:01:40
Speaker
Krista, why are you cooking for 450 people? Well, I'm glad you asked, Chantel Shafer. We are a charity here in New York. For those of you that are listening somewhere else, welcome.
Identifying Red Flags in Relationships
00:01:49
Speaker
We feed people that have a cancer diagnosis and any members that are living in their family.
00:01:54
Speaker
And our goal is to help them with a some of the everyday tasks so that they can take care of things that are way more important. And that is their mental health, their physical health, and trying to you know kick that cancer diet diagnosis in the butt.
00:02:10
Speaker
and get better. So we give them homemade meals every week and um four different counties here in the Hudson Valley in New York. And we're just trying to do our little part to make a difference in the world. So what you're saying is that apron is really your superhero cape.
00:02:25
Speaker
That is exactly what I said out of that. That's why you're my co-host. Cause you get me. I get you. You get me. My, uh, my, my cute little apron today comes from Nicole Lavery. Thank you, Nicole. She had it for me. She made it for me. It's very cute and it's very dirty. So we're not going to show it today because, uh, in the kitchen we had to make chicken chimichangas.
00:02:45
Speaker
Yum. There's a lot going on there. There's a lot of, there's a lot of forking shred your chicken. You got wonder what you were forking. That's what I was forking my chicken.
00:02:56
Speaker
And ah got very messy. You did. i did. um But welcome. We are glad that you guys are all here today. And you know, we are always looking for like fun, cool topics.
00:03:07
Speaker
Sometimes we get really, really down and deep and emotional. And then Chantal and I are kind of like, we need a break. We need something that has a little bit of humor in it. You know, even though...
00:03:19
Speaker
Not being able to spot the red flags can be a little bit dangerous. So today we thought, let's talk about something that most of us are like, oh yeah, and why are we even talking about it? We all know what a red flag is and a green flag is.
00:03:30
Speaker
And no, we do not. Nope. We do not have any idea sometimes when this is happening now. So we'll talk about what a red flag is. My flag.
00:03:40
Speaker
I don't know why I got stuck with red, but it is the most fun color. And And we will talk about not only identifying what it is and what it looks like, but why do we put up with some of these red flag moments in our life?
00:03:54
Speaker
Ooh. Yeah. I feel like that's going to sting. that' That's where it all comes in. And shockingly, some of this dates back to childhood. I would have never guessed. Not at all. Most everything we do dates back to our poor moms and dads who mine are not listening because they're in their 80s. They don't know how to turn this on.
00:04:13
Speaker
So I can say whatever I want, but Chantal cannot. No, because my dad listens periodically. Yes, does. Yes, he does. But we we love your dad. We've never said anything bad about your dad. No. Hi, dad. Hi, dad.
00:04:24
Speaker
So... Let's get right into it. Red flags, spotting what drains us. Because that's what a red flag does. Red f flag people drain you because a lot of them gaslight.
00:04:36
Speaker
And so i have no idea what gaslighting is. i don't. i had to research it. My kids say, hey, did you gaslight me? I'm like, I have no idea. Tell me what it means. I'll you if I did it.
00:04:47
Speaker
Like i had no idea. You knew what gaslighting was. I did because it's a very common behavior in narcissists. They make you doubt your reality.
00:04:59
Speaker
They make you think that your perception of what happened is wrong. Yeah, that's exactly what it is. And I feel like maybe then you've dealt with a few. And this is why. Yes, a few.
00:05:10
Speaker
ah And I'm sure that I've also dealt with quite a few narcissistic people in my life as well. But that also for me is a hard definition of what exactly a narcissist is. And we're going to talk about them in an upcoming podcast.
00:05:24
Speaker
And if we are them. I hope we're not. But gaslighting, let's start there. You're right. They are taking whatever your reality is, whatever your memories are, whatever your feelings are, and they're discounting it.
00:05:39
Speaker
Or they're doing things like saying, i never said that. Yeah. That didn't happen. Are you crazy? Right. You must be so tired. You're so sensitive. That you forgot. Right? Like they're dismissing your feelings and what was your reality.
00:05:54
Speaker
Yeah. And you just go along with it because and why would they steer you wrong? Yeah. Beth did that to me yesterday. Stop it. Yesterday i was like, well, you know, and you can't, you can't find your keys. You can't, that's never happened.
00:06:07
Speaker
And then it i I like did a double take. I go, well, it has happened. It didn't happen. Like I was like, didn't this just happen like three weeks ago? She's like, oh yeah, only once. I go, ah.
00:06:18
Speaker
And right. And then sometimes you just stop because you're, I really, and that's, and Beth, our financial director, a very nice person. But- It completely trips you up. And then you're like, did I just make that up? Yeah. And then you start second guessing yourself and you start worrying like, am I becoming forgetful?
00:06:35
Speaker
Am I overly sensitive? Am I reading this wrong? Right. And then all of a sudden you have just made you the problem. Yep. which is exactly what a gaslighter wants you to do. yep Make yourself the problem.
00:06:50
Speaker
Then there's the passive aggressiveness of the red flaggers, which I also have a hard time identifying as well. We know a few of those. I have had to have Chantal over the last year or two. i have had to say things like passive aggressive.
00:07:02
Speaker
Tell me who in her life is and give me the situation they were. And then she'll be like, oh, that. And i was like, that's what that's called. Okay.
00:07:13
Speaker
Passive aggressive. Also another red flag. Passive aggressive people express anger or frustration indirectly rather than openly. Yeah.
00:07:28
Speaker
They're not going to come in and say, Hey Krista, I'm really upset that you accused me of losing my keys. Poor Beth. I'm going to use her again. Instead, what is she going to do? um She's going to get mad at me in a different area. yeah Yeah.
00:07:43
Speaker
Right. I'm trying to turn it into a situation, but I'm not good at this. I'm not good at passive aggressive. sorry. I'm just completely openly aggressive. There's no passive in my life. I'm just coming at you.
00:07:54
Speaker
I feel I'm a little more passive aggressive. um And I feel it used to be, and I'm really trying to get hold of it. I feel it used to be like this
Recognizing Green Flags and Positive Traits
00:08:04
Speaker
martyr thing. Now I'm like, no, no, I'm not a martyr. It's not me trying to be very humble and stuff. But I used to be like angry.
00:08:14
Speaker
And that kind of, I don't even know how to explain it. Like I would be, it's okay. I'll just do all the dishes, like with the kids. And this martyrism would come out. And really it was like a passive aggressive martyr type thing.
00:08:26
Speaker
If you are in the psychology realm right now, you also probably don't know what I'm trying to say. But if you could decipher that, email us. I'd like to know what I mean. No, I get it. It's like, oh, I'll just do this myself because nobody else is going to do it.
00:08:39
Speaker
Right. So I'm not really... You're not confronting the issue. I'm not confronting you. And now i'm a martyr. I got to be the the martyr hero in all of it. Like I've worked all day and now I'm doing the dishes all night. right.
00:08:50
Speaker
yeah Red flag. Is there anything about martyrs in here? No, not in my notes. Consistent disrespect or unreliable. Breaking promises, canceling plans, ignoring boundaries.
00:09:02
Speaker
You mean promising pies and not giving them out? Exactly what I do. Red flag. Red flag. All right. One red flag for Krista. I need a green flag at some point to negate my red flag. Yours is not intentional.
00:09:16
Speaker
It's not intentional. I just say, it and then I admit I'm never going to do it. So I feel like it sounds good when I say it And then I come back to you kind of like I was supposed to make apple pies for the gala. Yeah.
00:09:27
Speaker
And then I was like, ah, I'm just not going to do that. And then the caterer, Eddie Kowalski, Lola's Lolita's, was like, all right, so we' really dessert is those apple pies. And I was like, oh, I didn't make them.
00:09:39
Speaker
The day before. ah The day of. The day before I found out, the morning of, we were cooking. We were making pies. We didn't do pies. We did not make pies. No.
00:09:51
Speaker
And we felt bad. We were going to. We were. So that was also another red flag. Is that my second red flag?
00:09:58
Speaker
yeah I don't know. One-sided relationships. Another red flag. Reaching out only when you need something, but never offering support in return.
00:10:10
Speaker
How many people do we have in our lives that do that? So many people. And i feel that I could be that person because I get so busy. So I try now to make sure that I reach out to people in the donor world. i don't just want to reach out to them when they give me a donation.
00:10:29
Speaker
I want to reach out to them because it's their birthday. I want to reach out to them because i saw this pink sweater that Sally was wearing last week when she was volunteering here. And I was like, oh my gosh, Sally, I saw your twin. So I now try really, really hard with friendships, with anything, not to be the person that is only calling you when I need something.
00:10:46
Speaker
I'm going to use Eddie as an example. Eddie was our caterer for the gala, right? I don't just call Eddie when it's gala time. I call Eddie when I want a great chef to take me to New Orleans because I want to go to really good restaurants.
00:11:00
Speaker
I mean, I guess that's also needing him for something, but I call Eddie cause he's funny. You call to check in. I call to check in and there's a lot of people and it's really easy. I feel to identify that because we really all feel disrespected and slighted when it happens. That really just calls because they need their oil change. They need $50. They need whatever the case may be.
00:11:23
Speaker
Do you have people like that in your life as well? sh So many people. Yeah. So many people. Actually, I'm going to rag on one of my sisters actually right now. We don't have to say a name because you have like 11 of them. So nobody will know which one.
00:11:35
Speaker
My phone would ring at the same point, like two or three weeks before Christmas every single year. And it got to the point where my husband would go. She wants your French toast casserole recipe every year, every single year. And I'm like, save the recipe.
00:11:52
Speaker
Call me to say hi. I thought she was going to tell you what her Christmas list was. The French toast recipe, definitely a lot more innocent than just calling you to give you the sizes for Christmas. No, but she wasn't calling to say, hi, how are you? It was just, hey, yeah what's your French toast casserole recipe? I mean, the pe hurtful.
00:12:09
Speaker
Not as hurtful as the person that's like, let me give you my sizes so you can buy me something and then I'll talk to you this time next year. Oh yeah, yeah, no. She knows I'm not buying her anything. your French toast casserole recipe? Do I also need this? It's delicious. It's like- Do you soak it overnight? Yes. I do as well. Yeah. It makes a big difference. French bread They recommend the challah, but I like the French. I like it to be a little meatier. I do either. It doesn't matter to me. Bread is bread to me. I was just eating croutons. I've been eating croutons for like two weeks.
00:12:35
Speaker
We made homemade croutons. Oh, Beth made homemade croutons. path it pass if Passive, passive, passive, gaslighting, Beth made croutons. She is really none of those things. and I ate them and they were amazing. That's me giving her back the props. Yes. She made, she took all of our bread and she made breadcrumbs and they were delicious.
00:12:58
Speaker
I'll eat any kind of bread. That was the point of this whole digression that I just did. Bread's
Self-Awareness and Personal Growth
00:13:03
Speaker
my favorite food. And so, all right, I want your recipe now too, because if your sister doesn't care what you think and every year calls you to get it, it has to be a really good recipe yeah that she should probably it write down.
00:13:15
Speaker
Do you physically send it to her a text? It's an email. It is a website. Save the website. Okay. Yeah. It's just funny. It's just one of those things where it's the same time every single year and my phone rings and my husband goes, French toast casserole.
00:13:27
Speaker
Do you just pick up and start rattling it off? No, I started just texting it to her. I don't even answer anymore. I just sent Oh. That's me being passive aggressive. I mean, and she doesn't get it. And that is her not getting the social cues. No, not at all. All right. All right. There's a lot to unpack there, but we have all these people in our life, right? At some point or another, all these situations, all these things that have happened,
00:13:51
Speaker
and we tolerate it We all tolerate this stuff to a certain degree. Why? Because it's usually people we love. Good answer. I like that answer.
00:14:04
Speaker
For me sometimes too, it is usually because you have convinced me that I deserve that, that I'm in the wrong, that I really don't remember that memory because it didn't happen, that um i really...
00:14:19
Speaker
I'm okay to break promises too because you really didn't make them or it really wasn't set in stone. So for me, it's, I'm probably not worthy of it anyways. And I'm making a big deal out of something that shouldn't be.
00:14:31
Speaker
You are the victim of gaslighting. Yeah. That's, yeah, that's that. I've had really bad relationships over the years with men, not, you know, I'm married, I'm happily married now, but, um, I've had a lot of relationships over the years where, you know, men have been unfaithful. And in those months of this unfaithfulness is, you know, when I was so sure it was happening, they made me literally lose my mind They made me feel like I was such a crazy person.
00:15:04
Speaker
i mean, it took years to get over that. Like, you know, I would be stalking them because I'm like, you know, you didn't see that letter, like a love letter. I'm like,
00:15:15
Speaker
And they literally, I'd be convinced I didn't see a love letter. And then I'd, you know, be out at 2 a.m. like at the girl's house, seeing them there. I wasn't there. Oh, and I couldn't get out. But it is like, it is a crazy thing. And you know, for the most part, I like to pride myself on I have common sense.
00:15:33
Speaker
You know, ah seem to have it somewhat together. And yet here I am. i mean, I was in my 20s, my late 20s, like chasing after men that were telling me I'm really not in front of their house.
00:15:45
Speaker
But that speaks a lot to like your confidence in yourself, your... apps I'm glad that you're talking about that. You know, how, how secure you feel in yourself and you probably felt like you needed that relationship. You are identifying yourself by that relationship relationship and that's how we wind up stuck in those relationships.
00:16:04
Speaker
Goes back to childhood. Chantel, I'm glad you asked. Fear of abandonment. Fear of abandonment. If you had parents that not necessarily abandoned, it's not like you had to be in a a single mom home, but your mom could have been a mom that just wasn't there for you.
00:16:20
Speaker
um Your mom could have been a mom that was physically there for you, but you know um not emotionally filling your needs, communicating you know whatever you needed um All of those things lead to this fear of being rejected or feeling like you're unworthy,
Conclusion and Future Topics
00:16:40
Speaker
right?
00:16:40
Speaker
um Low self-worth from these situations happening to you over and over again. You know, your judgment gets clouded. You end up feeling that you're a mess and you need somebody to be over you, taking care of you and directing you in life, like all of this.
00:16:58
Speaker
And even like... Taking a person and saying, well, I'm just so in love with him. i can change him or her. I think that too, for me, was a lot of it. Like, but that's not a big deal. I mean, that's something that I can definitely change. And, you know, they'd rather right now...
00:17:17
Speaker
work on their car all hours of the day. But, you know, if we had a family or if we had, and I'm not saying for many men, of course, or women, they change that kind of stuff when they get married. But a lot of times we just keep saying, oh, this this is a trait that I can change.
00:17:35
Speaker
because i I love them so much or even i can overlook it. Yeah, it's amazing the stuff that you'll put up with to feel loved and accepted or think that you're being loved And and you're not even being loved or accepted at all.
00:17:49
Speaker
And these are re recurring behaviors that, I mean, physically drain you. And that's really what red flags are. Anything that's draining you. We talked in one of our previous episodes about energy in a room.
00:18:02
Speaker
And when you're done talking to that person, the biggest part is how did you feel afterwards? Did you feel gross? Did you feel used?
00:18:13
Speaker
Did you feel like, oh my gosh, like why in the world would I ever put, they lied to me again. Why would I ever put up with this? Like, how do you feel when you are leaving an interaction with a person because it's those behaviors that let you know, is it green flag or red flag, right?
00:18:30
Speaker
right? If they don't remember your birthday, but they send you a message at 2 a.m.,
00:18:37
Speaker
Red flag. That's what my mom used to say to me. If he doesn't have enough time for you to take you out on a date, but he calls you at two o'clock after he's left a club, red flag.
00:18:49
Speaker
Yeah. Like just in a relationship, right? Like who's prioritizing you? Not just in, you know, um love relationships, but in relationships at work, um you know, boss, employee relationships and and and how you're being treated there and relationships at home with your children, like all the in friendships too.
00:19:08
Speaker
Friendships is a big one. Friendships is a big one. it is. i don't have a lot of friends. Neither do I. I'm very selective with my friends because, you know, I don't have a lot of time.
00:19:20
Speaker
And I remember years ago when, you know, I was trying to figure this all out and, you know, we love the charity here, but it is all consuming and that's okay. I'm not complaining. We knew what we were getting into, but I, you know, my husband said to me, you have such little time left.
00:19:34
Speaker
You need to be really careful who you're choosing to let into that. Like, are they breathing life or are they making you feel like you're a failure? Red flag, green flag. Red flag, green flag.
00:19:44
Speaker
So green flags. It's like a Dr. Seuss book. I like green eggs and ham. Yes, I do, Sam. I am. I don't know. i can't I can't go any further with it. I'm out.
00:19:56
Speaker
I'm out. I worked in preschool for too long. You did. And and i I remember none of it, partially because brain fog, menopause, which we will be doing some episodes on that coming up.
00:20:07
Speaker
The struggle's real. The struggle is real. The struggle's real. That is why it is 45 degrees outside and I am in my apron and still sweating. That's what's happening here.
00:20:18
Speaker
Green flax. We should talk about green flax. Yeah. Green flags are a nicer subject, right? But sometimes we may not appreciate the green flags that are right in front of us because it's hard to find green flag relationships because to do that, right, you have to be selfless not selfish.
00:20:41
Speaker
And I'm just saying in the world that we're in now, there's a lot more thinking about ourselves, thinking inwardly and not thinking outwardly about others. And for a million reasons, you don't have time left in the day. You have barely enough, you know, so you are thinking a lot about yourself and how you're going to get through the day.
00:20:59
Speaker
But for those relationships where they're doing these little things, like you should really think about that. Like for instance, things like being reliable and consistent,
00:21:10
Speaker
somebody that will show up no matter what's going on in your life, right? They follow through on a commitment that you guys made. Like what I love is like, if I leave somebody, maybe i haven't talked to them in a while and I say something like, oh my gosh, we should get together.
00:21:26
Speaker
i love those friends that like a week later will be like, Hey, you know, we said we should get together. Let's do it. Like, Wow. Yeah. That's amazing. That's a green flag that's somebody that somebody that's taking what you're saying really wants to be with you is making that mental note and then following through on it.
00:21:43
Speaker
It's the follow through. It is the follow through. It really is. It's, it's these small actions that really are like big lifts for lack of a better term. Like, I don't know. Right.
00:21:56
Speaker
These small little things are really a big deal. And they don't take a lot of time to do, but it's people that are reducing your stress load that are bringing you a little bit of joy.
00:22:08
Speaker
Like it's all these things that, you know, sometimes I'm realizing the green flaggers, they don't get enough credit. No, they don't. who It's the people that'll just let you unload. Yeah. And they'll just take that.
00:22:19
Speaker
Yeah. And they'll just listen. Who are those people in your life? Like, think about that now. Like, i do think about that. Like, I definitely, you know, I say, I don't have a lot of friends, but don't know. Maybe that's not really true because there's a lot of people in my life I think that would just listen to me if I needed something to listen to. They would drop what they were doing if I said, you know, that I had an issue.
00:22:38
Speaker
Those are your green flags. Yeah. Those are the people you want to be around. Those are the flaggers you need. Those are the flaggers you need. Yeah. Be a green flag. Green flag, not a red flag. I buried my red flag because I don't want that thing coming out again. You should burn the red flag. Burn the red flag and healthy communication.
00:22:55
Speaker
So people that are open and honest, like we were talking about these red flags and we were talking about these are the people that they gaslight you so they don't validate your feelings. And they're also the people that are passive aggressive. So you don't really know why they're upset.
00:23:08
Speaker
Healthy connections are the people that absolutely can be upset with you. There's still a green flag if they tell you. In a meaningful way, not in a demeaning way, but people that literally could say, Chantel, you know, yesterday when you, you know, said this to me or you did this, it really hurt my feelings.
00:23:28
Speaker
And, you know, I didn't appreciate it. That's not a red flag. You're being very honest. You're being very direct and upfront. And those are the kind of relationships we all need, right?
00:23:39
Speaker
That's healthy. But it's also a little scary. Those conversations are scary. Those conversations are scary. But i think if we really, really dig deep, we all really crave that.
00:23:56
Speaker
I want somebody that loves me enough to tell me when I've done something wrong. And I think for me, the reason they're so scary is I've been met with so many red flags in those situations where I try to be open and honest. And I met with, I didn't do that.
00:24:10
Speaker
I didn't say that. And you get gaslit or, ah you know, made feel- You get gaslit. Litten. Gaslighted. I'm not quite sure what the past is. I like it though. Somebody gaslights you into believing. So it becomes hard to be that open and honest because you don't know how it's going to be received. Yeah.
00:24:26
Speaker
Because you've been burned so many times. And that is why you want a green flag person that is open and honest, right? If that's the kind of relationship you want, you find people that are open and honest to you and you know that you're on the same playing field.
00:24:40
Speaker
You're not up here and somebody's way down here dismissing everything you say. It's those first interactions though. Because you're not sure. because you don't know. yeah and that's okay because then sometimes once you do know, then you you have a choice to make.
00:24:56
Speaker
How much further am I going to go into this relationship with this person when really my feelings are dismissed? When things that I know are true are now...
00:25:07
Speaker
being negated when I can't really be honest. So then I'm still feeling unsatisfied and I'm still hurt and I'm still angry and they won't even let me get that out. Right. Yeah.
00:25:18
Speaker
And they're hard to find those relationships, but honestly, we all need them. We all need, if you love me enough, you don't want me walking off the bridge.
00:25:29
Speaker
You don't want me getting into dangerous situations You don't want me to experiment with things I shouldn't be like, you know, you don't want me as simple as going out with, you know, pants that are not vertical, wait, vertical horizon.
00:25:45
Speaker
You don't want me going out with horizon pants. You want me going out with vertical pants. You want to be the friend that goes, maybe we should not go with patterns tonight. Maybe we should wear just a black pair of pants.
00:25:58
Speaker
I'm very confused about what horizon pants were. You meant horizontal stripes. I'm like horizon pants. Well, I know the horizon. Does have like the sunset on it or something?
00:26:09
Speaker
Well, that's how. Nope. I picked up where you were. That's I get my lines. Like which way my lines go. You don't want to look any wider than you need to.
00:26:20
Speaker
And when you do, you need a friend to go, those are not the pants for you. That's a green flag friend. Right. I'm just trying to make it lighthearted because it is all those conversations that are important.
00:26:32
Speaker
And you need somebody that is supportive. I think in all emotions of your life, because how many friends do we have when we're in a great place? We're in this amazing season and we're riding high and, you know, we're doing well.
00:26:44
Speaker
And then do we still have those friends when we're not in such a great place? And there are a lot of fair weathered friends, right? That's what they're called. You know, who are those people?
00:26:56
Speaker
And that's exhausting. And that is depressing as well. Like that, that can really mess with you mentally, you know, because then that says you also have to fake it. all the time in order to have these people.
00:27:08
Speaker
Otherwise, I don't want to hear your problems. Now, we all have friends that, you know, have this problem for 14 years and it just, you know, they won't get off the gerbil wheel for lack of a better term.
00:27:20
Speaker
Like, you know, they just, is that what your gerbil does on the wheel? I don't have a gerbil. I don't know. I got two gerbils. I think they do. I think they, I got two wheels. Nope.
00:27:30
Speaker
But yeah, but That's important, right? Like all of that stuff, like you need, you're not always going to be in the best, you know, season of your life. So who are the people that ride the waves with you?
00:27:42
Speaker
And of course you can't stay down either because then you just suck the life out of people too. If 14 years later, you cannot get out of that marriage and that's all we're talking about. That's a completely different thing, but we're talking about...
00:27:53
Speaker
If your marriage does have a bump in it or you a child does have a crisis or at work, you know, you, you didn't get the promotion, like these things where you get these bumps, who still sticks with you?
00:28:04
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. you It's a reciprocal relationship. I mean, it should be, if it's a green flag, it has to be. Yeah. You have to be through there, through the others ups and downs and they should be there through yours. True.
00:28:15
Speaker
True. Man, I'm having less and less friends. Check that one off. list No, I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. Boundaries ah important. They have to honor your nose. A lot of times with red flag people, you say no, no, no until you're bullied into doing whatever it is they want you to do anyways. Right.
00:28:32
Speaker
But with green flag friends, you really can say, i just don't have time today. And they'll like, all right, great. Talk to you about it tomorrow. We'll do something later. Right. Um, That's really important too, because if you don't have that, a lot of times you'll be saying yes to a bunch of things you have no time for.
00:28:49
Speaker
Yeah. Right. You spread yourself thin. It's taking away your own peace because it's something you really shouldn't have on your plate. And green flag people aren't going to make you feel guilty about that.
00:29:01
Speaker
Absolutely. And celebrating your wins, right? And encouraging your growth. I like to say, my friends clap for me when I leave a room.
00:29:13
Speaker
Who is still clapping for you when you leave the room? Not clapping for you when you're in the room. Who is clapping for you when you leave the room? Those are your true friends.
00:29:25
Speaker
That's a good one. But it's true. I want to know that whatever you think about me in my face, you think about me behind a closed door. Good, bad, indifferent. Let's just be, let's be even keel.
00:29:37
Speaker
If you say that you love me and the door closes and I am out and I cannot defend myself and now there's stuff going on in that room, are you still defending me? Are you clapping for me?
00:29:49
Speaker
Are you really wishing me well or are you jealous of my success and are you sabotaging it? Yeah. That's a big one. that's Because I do think jealousy is, you know, a huge factor.
00:30:04
Speaker
Of course, in red flag relationships, it's based on jealousy, right? That's why somebody's gaslighting you. And that's why somebody's, you know, they're trying to diminish you because they're you're a threat to them. And I don't think we see that. I don't think we realize that's really why ah red flagger does what they do.
00:30:21
Speaker
They don't feel good enough about themselves. You're you're way up here. And a red flagger wants to pull you down into something so that they can be over you. Whereas a green flagger is somebody that's like, you know what, Chantal, why wouldn't you go for that job? Of course you have, I mean, you can never go for another job.
00:30:37
Speaker
You're at Sparrow's Nest the rest your life. Don't take her. But you know what i mean? Why can't, of course you can go for that job. Well, yeah, you don't maybe have all the tools, but I still think you might get it because of all this.
00:30:48
Speaker
Like those are the kind of green flag relationships we need. Yeah. Do you have a lot of green flaggers in your life? i I try to only keep green flaggers in my life now. I lived with um some pretty serious red flaggers for a really long time.
00:31:02
Speaker
And once I got out of those friendships, I realized just how many years of negative everything I lived with. I mean, years, lot of lot of lot of years. And to look back on the situation after getting out of it and looking at interactions and and events and things and looking at them from a new angle, I was like, wow, i ah gaslighting and fake and it hurt and used for years.
00:31:35
Speaker
So now I'm very selective because, you know, that was somebody I really, really loved and cared for. And to to be in that for so many years of your life, it it affects all of your future relationships and how selective you become.
00:31:49
Speaker
So I only keep green flaggers in my life now because I can't. Yeah. It's a lot of PTSD, right? it is. Don't you feel like because you have this trepidation going into any relationship because you've had red flags for so long. Yeah.
00:32:04
Speaker
And it's also, I think, weird. You know, I talked to a friend who went through a divorce and it was the worst time of his life. He was so upset. We saw some things that maybe he didn't see.
00:32:16
Speaker
and we kept saying, you know, on the other side of this, it'll get better. It'll get better. And then when he finally met someone that was wonderful to him, he was blown. he was like, this is what you make me dinner at night if I work late.
00:32:30
Speaker
Like you don't go on a vacation without me. You want to be with like, so it was like, um, all new to him. Yeah. So he was kind of trying to fill that out. Cause you almost don't trust it. Cause you think it's too good to be true because that becomes your normal. Right. And that's what you're expecting.
00:32:46
Speaker
So when you're getting something different and something better and something healthy, it it's all new. hmm.
00:32:56
Speaker
That's true. Yeah. Yeah. So red flags, green flags, we're talking about people in our world, but we can also have red flags, green flags with ourself. Like if that makes sense.
00:33:12
Speaker
I thought that that was interesting too. Like when I was doing some research, I never really thought about like looking inward, like spotting the patterns in ourself, right? Like things like, Are we tolerating behaviors in ourself? Like, are we overextending ourselves? Are we compromising boundaries?
00:33:30
Speaker
Are we doing some of the red flag things to other people? Right? Because... we don't appreciate that relationship as much as we should. Are we recognizing green flags, right? Like, are we saying no without guilt? Are we asking for help? Like, are we protecting our peace and our time?
00:33:54
Speaker
Like, those are things we should celebrate within us. If we've gotten to these areas in our life where that's important, you said you're really cutting out red flag people. That's a green flag moment in yourself. That's amazing. And guarding yourself,
00:34:07
Speaker
Your emotional labor is really, really important. Like noticing your limits is also ah green flag and something that a lot of us don't do. Like what are our limits around a red flagger?
00:34:21
Speaker
Right. What then we talked last week um about energy, right? That energy is like a mirror when you hang around, you know, you adopt some of this stuff, these ways of thinking and all of this. So like,
00:34:37
Speaker
If you're around red flaggers, how much time are you spending with them? And how do you really cut that off so that you don't start developing some of those traits? I've said the story over and over again. i was with um our Team Sparrow group really early on.
00:34:50
Speaker
And I was with just a couple women, but that really liked to talk about anybody and everybody, every runner, every piece of gossip, every... And I got really absorbed in the middle of it until I said, I mean, there I had such loathing for myself.
00:35:05
Speaker
I was like, what am I doing? What am I doing? These people are running. They're trying to raise money for a charity and they're chattering about them. And even if I'm not saying anything back, I'm indulging. I'm soaking it all in.
00:35:18
Speaker
So like, how long are we spending with people that are red flags where eventually like it disgusts us. Yeah. And we need to get out. Yeah. You got to prune your bushes. Yeah.
00:35:29
Speaker
I love that saying. Could that be my t-shirt for the week this week? could prune your bushes. Prune my bushes. If you say prune your bushes, am I going to give you an apple pie? No. no Did I think about it?
00:35:41
Speaker
Yes. There's a green flag moment for Krista. She is being honest. Red flags and green flags aren't about being picky, right? They're your roadmap to healthier relationships.
00:35:52
Speaker
Celebrate the people that lift you up and notice the patterns of the people that train you. So remember, your choices matter. Who you hang out with matters. You have to protect your heart and your boundaries and let your relationships reflect the care that you yourself deserve because your vibe doesn't always attract your tribe.
00:36:16
Speaker
So spotting the flags early will make everything else easier. If you love us and want to learn more about the charity, you can go to sparrowsnestcharity.org.
00:36:27
Speaker
And next week, maybe we'll do a little bit on the narcissism level. That's coming up soon, ladies and gentlemen. And until we meet again, be kind to yourself and each other.