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No Is a Full Sentence
39 Plays10 months ago
The Queens discuss the importance of having and maintaining your boundaries.
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Transcript
Introduction to Boundaries in Dating
00:00:00
Speaker
Welcome back to the Female Dating Strategy, the meanest female-only dating podcast on the internet.
00:00:05
Speaker
I'm your host, Diana.
00:00:06
Speaker
And I am Rose.
00:00:08
Speaker
And today we're discussing something really important that Diana brought up at the end of our last discussion.
00:00:13
Speaker
She was like, hey, I think we need to talk about boundaries in general.
00:00:17
Speaker
and common sense when setting these boundaries.
00:00:19
Speaker
And I was like, you know what, I love boundaries and boundaries have been one of the main ways I've turned my life around.
00:00:25
Speaker
So yes, let us discuss boundaries.
00:00:27
Speaker
Today, we're leading off with the question, do you have a right to be cautious?
00:00:31
Speaker
Or are you just paranoid?
00:00:33
Speaker
Ha!
00:00:33
Speaker
I mean, you know what?
00:00:34
Speaker
All of you people are just paranoid.
00:00:36
Speaker
Men are so sweet and they're so nice and they're so wonderful and like there's absolutely no harm in just giving them all your trust and having absolutely no boundaries with them whatsoever.
00:00:48
Speaker
Do you hear how crazy that is, listeners?
00:00:50
Speaker
That is how crazy it is when people are like, oh, well, you're just being paranoid.
00:00:55
Speaker
Like, oh, it's just your life on the line, but you should just really throw caution to the wind.
Women's Instincts and Safety Concerns
00:01:00
Speaker
You know what I find strange is like it's perfectly acceptable to tell children like avoid strange men because of stranger danger.
00:01:06
Speaker
But for whatever reason, you tell women to have stranger danger with men is like, well, not all men.
00:01:11
Speaker
And it's like, how is that relevant?
00:01:13
Speaker
How does that work?
00:01:14
Speaker
Or how are they like dangerous to children but not dangerous to women?
00:01:17
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:01:18
Speaker
Yeah, they metamorphosize into like some harmless avuncular figure all of a sudden when it's a heterosexual woman of grown age.
00:01:25
Speaker
Like, you're so right.
00:01:27
Speaker
And listen, this is something we tell children as well.
00:01:28
Speaker
We're like, listen, if you're in trouble, find seek out a woman to help you.
00:01:32
Speaker
Exactly.
00:01:33
Speaker
When you don't know what's going on and you need help, never go to a man because men are not trustworthy.
00:01:38
Speaker
And the crazy thing is men know this, too.
00:01:41
Speaker
Like Rose, I was just telling Rose, I was talking about how men in general, when you're not dating them, and then you bring up like how paranoid you have to be around men.
00:01:50
Speaker
And again, nobody wants to be paranoid, right?
00:01:53
Speaker
Nobody goes into an interaction with another human being or strange human being and says,
00:01:57
Speaker
Oh, you know what's fun?
00:01:58
Speaker
Like thinking about the worst shit they could possibly do to me.
00:02:00
Speaker
They could dismember me.
00:02:01
Speaker
They could murder me.
00:02:02
Speaker
They could rape me.
00:02:03
Speaker
Oh my God, this is so much fun.
00:02:05
Speaker
It's not fun for anyone to have to think like that.
00:02:07
Speaker
To always be on alert, to always have your keys between your fingers, to constantly like evaluate what route is the safest route to take home.
00:02:14
Speaker
But you're right.
00:02:14
Speaker
It is aging us.
00:02:15
Speaker
And of course, like we're always talking about anti-aging.
00:02:17
Speaker
Well, this is like the ultimate anti-aging move that you can make.
True Crime and Female Vulnerability
00:02:22
Speaker
It's like, how can you minimize the risk to yourself?
00:02:24
Speaker
And again, like, I hate that we have to think about risk analysis with every part of our daily lives, but we do.
00:02:31
Speaker
That's the world we live in.
00:02:33
Speaker
And, you know, I think this is why women, especially as like the rise of true crime podcasts and TV shows, which by the way, well...
00:02:40
Speaker
I do encourage women to watch a couple episodes because it becomes very clear what the pattern is.
00:02:45
Speaker
I remember when I was a kid, I was obsessed with serial killers.
00:02:47
Speaker
So I wrote a ton of stories about them.
00:02:49
Speaker
And of course, most serial killers victims are women.
00:02:51
Speaker
And I was like, wait a minute, why aren't they killing the men?
00:02:54
Speaker
Why are they only killing women?
00:02:55
Speaker
And that's when it became apparent to me like there's a deep pathology here, right?
00:02:59
Speaker
So that's what we're dealing with when we're dealing with men.
00:03:02
Speaker
And as Diana mentioned,
00:03:04
Speaker
Whether you're a child or a woman, the risk is the same.
00:03:07
Speaker
We're vulnerable because we're weaker.
00:03:09
Speaker
It's just a biological fact.
00:03:11
Speaker
Also, the other thing I think is that people think that their fear is not justified and they find reasons to justify their fear of a situation.
00:03:18
Speaker
And I have to really push back against that because if you're in a position where you are justifying your fear, if you're like, oh, okay, I don't have a reason to be afraid of this person.
00:03:28
Speaker
I just am.
00:03:30
Speaker
And you're like, well, that's not a reasonable enough reason to not engage with this person.
00:03:33
Speaker
Like, this is why The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker is such an important book to read, because it tells you, I don't think women have understood that over the course of our evolution, we respond to certain stimuli, certain triggers that make us more afraid without us realizing it.
00:03:49
Speaker
Maybe it's a situation you haven't encountered before.
00:03:51
Speaker
So you're like, oh, why am I feeling so nervous?
00:03:53
Speaker
Why do I feel so nervous?
00:03:54
Speaker
But really what ends up happening is that your body is responding to a situation where you're feeling fear and really being able to recognize and give space to that fear is the most important step.
00:04:03
Speaker
I think people think they need to be able to vocalize every emotion they have.
00:04:06
Speaker
Sometimes it's okay to not vocalize it.
00:04:08
Speaker
It's not important for you to be like, I'm vocalizing this fear.
00:04:11
Speaker
What's more important is just you feel the fear.
00:04:14
Speaker
You recognize it and honor it.
00:04:16
Speaker
Exactly.
00:04:17
Speaker
Diana, this is such an excellent point.
Internalized Male Gaze and Women's Feelings
00:04:20
Speaker
Well, you always make such excellent points, my good lady.
00:04:23
Speaker
But this idea of like, you don't have to vocalize and articulate and rationalize, particularly in the recesses of your own mind and body, why you feel a certain way.
00:04:33
Speaker
Okay?
00:04:33
Speaker
Yeah.
00:04:34
Speaker
The fact that we think we have to justify, even in the innermost selves, I'm not sure, but I think it was Simone de Beauvoir who talked about, you know, the internalization of the male gaze.
00:04:44
Speaker
We're like, even from within, you're gazing out from the prison of like the superimposed male gaze that women have been taught to assess themselves with.
00:04:55
Speaker
So even within the privacy of our own mind, we can't just say, I'm not comfortable.
00:04:59
Speaker
It's like, well, I'm not comfortable because X, Y, Z, because we've been taught that under the surveillance of men, we have no right to our feelings.
00:05:08
Speaker
Unless we can somehow gain their approval through whatever sort of rationalization or justification they will accept.
00:05:14
Speaker
So if you find yourself going through this, you know, elaborate process of trying to explain to yourself in the privacy of your own mind why you're feeling a certain way, that's automatically a red flag.
00:05:24
Speaker
Just accept that you fucking feel that way and do with that what you will.
00:05:27
Speaker
Let me put this really simply, right?
00:05:29
Speaker
Like, okay, let's say that you exist in a place where there are no volcanoes.
00:05:32
Speaker
And then one day randomly, there is a volcano eruption, which is strange because you don't live around volcanoes.
00:05:38
Speaker
Are you going to spend your time being like, Hmm, what I feel is fear.
00:05:41
Speaker
Hmm, fear.
00:05:43
Speaker
Interesting.
00:05:44
Speaker
It may be it's time to run.
00:05:46
Speaker
Hmm, maybe I should pick up my suitcase and stuff it with stuff that I should keep in there.
00:05:50
Speaker
Hmm, should I think I should I take my pet?
00:05:52
Speaker
Should I leave my husband?
00:05:53
Speaker
What should I do?
00:05:54
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:05:54
Speaker
Like in a situation where there's a real fear-based response, you would never once think any action you take in that fear-based response is irrational because it's about survival.
00:06:03
Speaker
And I think the more people realize it's about survival, the less guilt you need to feel about feeling certain kinds of ways about men.
00:06:09
Speaker
Like I've often met men who are very, very charming, very, very flattering.
00:06:14
Speaker
And they ask me questions, which at that moment, I'm like, hmm, that's a strange thing for him to ask me.
00:06:18
Speaker
I wonder why he's asking me.
00:06:19
Speaker
And immediately it puts my haunches up because I'm like, hmm,
00:06:23
Speaker
That's a very over familiar question for someone who's essentially a stranger.
00:06:26
Speaker
I don't care how cute I found you.
00:06:27
Speaker
I don't know why you're entitled to know what my family's social security number is or what their financial history looks like.
00:06:34
Speaker
Like, that's strange to me.
00:06:36
Speaker
If you're in an Uber or a taxi, they're like, oh, where are you going?
00:06:38
Speaker
Are you meeting your husband there?
00:06:40
Speaker
Oh, do you live alone?
00:06:41
Speaker
Like, all of a sudden, I'm like, excuse me, you literally have the address to my home and you're asking me these questions.
00:06:46
Speaker
This cannot be for good reasons.
Safety Strategies for Women
00:06:49
Speaker
Exactly.
00:06:49
Speaker
And I do this, like, leave men.
00:06:50
Speaker
I do this with anybody.
00:06:51
Speaker
Like, you know, well, I live with my family and whenever one of us is out of town, there'll always be questions about where is that person?
00:06:58
Speaker
You know, where are they going?
00:06:59
Speaker
When are they coming back?
00:07:00
Speaker
And I always think it's like, this is none of your fucking business.
00:07:03
Speaker
Exactly.
00:07:04
Speaker
And I always lie.
00:07:05
Speaker
I always make up shit.
00:07:06
Speaker
I'm always like, oh, they're coming back today.
00:07:08
Speaker
Like, where are they?
00:07:09
Speaker
Oh, I think they just went to, you know, church.
00:07:11
Speaker
And I think they'll be back in like half an hour.
00:07:13
Speaker
Do you hear how insane this is that you've had to just normalize lying?
00:07:17
Speaker
Because we are so often given the most inappropriate questions and the most inappropriate settings, and we still have to be conciliatory.
00:07:24
Speaker
Yep.
00:07:25
Speaker
Honestly, here's the thing, when you live in a society where you're going to be punished for not like playing along, again, that's why all my advice is always with the condition of like, if you live in a society where women are not easily forgiven for being abrasive in general, I honestly think it's better to just give a lie because what are the chances like you can just polish up your family on the lie and be like everybody, every single person was in tap dancing class, okay, that's the lie we're going to go with.
00:07:48
Speaker
All right, moving on.
00:07:49
Speaker
Because the thing is, even with them, they're like, Oh, so when are you gonna travel?
00:07:52
Speaker
How long are you gonna travel for?
00:07:54
Speaker
Where are you traveling to?
00:07:54
Speaker
And I'm like, none of this is your business.
00:07:58
Speaker
None of this is your business.
00:07:59
Speaker
They feel entitled to it.
00:08:01
Speaker
And that's the attitude we're dealing with in every situation with men.
00:08:04
Speaker
They have been taught to demand and own every part of us that they can, even if they're absolute strangers.
00:08:09
Speaker
And we have been entrained to be as conciliatory and diplomatic as possible.
00:08:14
Speaker
And we've been taught, oh, my God, why couldn't you just tell me?
00:08:17
Speaker
No, why didn't she just like, why didn't she just tell me she didn't want to give me her number?
00:08:20
Speaker
Well, because men kill women.
00:08:23
Speaker
if they pin them down for giving them their number.
00:08:25
Speaker
Like there are so many situations we've seen time and time again, where like you cannot rely on the goodwill and good faith of men when it comes to dealing with what they want.
00:08:34
Speaker
And if they want what they want is you, you are in danger, girl.
00:08:37
Speaker
Yep.
00:08:38
Speaker
And also here's a tip for people who have a really hard time rejecting men when it comes to things like phone numbers and stuff.
00:08:44
Speaker
I definitely don't feel any guilt about that.
00:08:46
Speaker
I'm like, my phone is just for my friends and my family.
00:08:48
Speaker
And right now you are neither.
00:08:49
Speaker
So I don't need to give you my number.
00:08:50
Speaker
And I always do it in a very flirtatious way.
00:08:52
Speaker
Like I turn them down really flirtatiously.
00:08:54
Speaker
So that way they think that like, you know, I'm just being coy, but really it's like, I don't want to give them my number and I'm definitely know I'm not going to see them again.
00:08:59
Speaker
So I'm like, whatever will get you off my back is what I'm going to say.
00:09:02
Speaker
But for people who do really struggle with having boundaries with men, especially when it comes to asking for numbers and things, you feel cornered, you feel like, or if they're really one of those pushy kinds that are like, show me that you actually called me on your number and like, I'm going to call you, you know?
00:09:14
Speaker
So there's this really cool app.
00:09:15
Speaker
I don't know if it's still around, but you can check it out.
00:09:17
Speaker
It's called TextNow.
00:09:18
Speaker
And basically text now gives you like a fake number.
00:09:21
Speaker
And the way it works is that it acts like a real number.
00:09:24
Speaker
Like you can call people with that number.
00:09:25
Speaker
You can message people with that number.
00:09:27
Speaker
And I really use it for like blocking and deleting men from my life as well.
00:09:30
Speaker
Because what happens is if you haven't used the number in a week, it just deactivates and it issues you another number.
00:09:35
Speaker
Like you can keep selecting a new number for yourself.
00:09:38
Speaker
So I used to do it like when I had like difficulties with like, it's just basically overbuilding in my head, my connection with the man.
00:09:44
Speaker
I was like, well, if he doesn't message me for a week, then my number just dies and we were never meant to be.
00:09:47
Speaker
Because if I was supposed to be with this guy, he would message me, like I would know within a week what the plan is.
00:09:52
Speaker
So if he doesn't message me in a week, the number dies and he has no access to me ever again.
00:09:55
Speaker
And I don't have to block and delete it because that number doesn't exist anymore.
00:09:58
Speaker
So I would do that.
00:09:59
Speaker
I would just do that because I was like, okay, he can't contact me, I can't contact him.
00:10:02
Speaker
And I've given him a week, which is very generous, actually.
00:10:05
Speaker
I don't recommend giving men a week, just FYI.
Men's Entitlement and Women's Caution
00:10:07
Speaker
I don't think that's an FDS rule as well.
00:10:09
Speaker
I honestly think the second that they fuck up is when you should block and delete them.
00:10:11
Speaker
But back then I was like still trying to figure out my own version of boundaries.
00:10:14
Speaker
And I found the text now helped keep me grounded because I was like, well, at the very least, I know I gave them a week.
00:10:19
Speaker
And if I ever think back to it, I'd be like, well, who needs a week to respond to someone?
00:10:23
Speaker
That's such a good idea.
00:10:24
Speaker
I know that FDS is also in our handbook recommended that people get a Google phone number.
00:10:29
Speaker
Yeah.
00:10:30
Speaker
As a backup so that even if you're going on dates, like if you give them the phone number, because let's say you need to text each other when you're trying to get from A to Z, you can actually be communicated with, but they don't actually have your real phone number.
00:10:42
Speaker
And that's a built-in level.
00:10:44
Speaker
Exactly.
00:10:45
Speaker
That's the thing.
00:10:46
Speaker
Some of them might still be more pushy about like why I don't, because I guess sometimes with Google phone numbers, if you receive a call from them, it just says like unregistered caller or something like that.
00:10:53
Speaker
It doesn't like give you their number.
00:10:55
Speaker
However, with TextNow, you do get a number.
00:10:56
Speaker
So they will get a number and they will get a number to text and they'll get a number to call.
00:11:00
Speaker
It's just that that number is not, it's like a temporary number.
00:11:03
Speaker
So like if they don't message it in a week, it just deactivates.
00:11:05
Speaker
And I mean, honestly, you can deactivate it anytime, but it just, if you don't use that number for more than a week, it deactivates.
00:11:11
Speaker
I don't know if that app is still around, but I thought that was a really neat app when I was in the dating game.
00:11:15
Speaker
I used to use it a lot.
00:11:16
Speaker
I can't, I mean, now I don't have access to that particular app store, so I'm like, okay, fine, I can't get that app back.
00:11:20
Speaker
But I honestly think that's one of the very useful apps besides Google phone.
00:11:24
Speaker
You can always get a Skype number or a Google number, there's always other options.
00:11:28
Speaker
But I just find that this is a cheap, free way for you to do that as well.
00:11:31
Speaker
Again, same thing with boundaries.
00:11:33
Speaker
If it's like, you know, you're the kind of person who gives men too many chances, but you're still learning how to like, build your boundaries and like be ruthless with them.
00:11:40
Speaker
This is an app where if you don't message them for a week, and you don't hear back from them for a week, the number goes so you don't have any way of contacting them.
00:11:47
Speaker
Don't save their number in your contacts, obviously, because that defies the purpose of having this kind of app.
00:11:52
Speaker
That's a seat of honor.
00:11:53
Speaker
That's a seat of honor.
00:11:54
Speaker
They haven't earned that seat.
00:11:56
Speaker
I normally don't even save their number.
00:11:58
Speaker
I mean, I never save their number to be honest with you unless like I feel like I'm going to meet them more than one time.
00:12:02
Speaker
I don't bother unless it's useful to me unless it's like his name is Brad I'll be like Brad gives you legal advice.
00:12:08
Speaker
Right.
00:12:09
Speaker
Exactly.
00:12:09
Speaker
That's a totally different scenario.
00:12:11
Speaker
But this is the case that we're trying to build the case to you, listener, that there is absolutely no fucking reason to give any man the benefit of the doubt.
00:12:21
Speaker
Do not give the benefit of the doubt.
00:12:23
Speaker
That was literally what Ted Bundy would rely on.
00:12:26
Speaker
Like he was so charming.
00:12:27
Speaker
He was so well-spoken.
00:12:28
Speaker
He was so well-dressed.
00:12:29
Speaker
Right.
00:12:30
Speaker
And that's how he was able to, you know, dismember and slaughter like dozens of women.
00:12:33
Speaker
Right.
00:12:34
Speaker
And that is again and again, that's the prototype for every man who's a total psycho is like, they tend to be charming.
00:12:40
Speaker
They tend to be really persuasive.
00:12:41
Speaker
They tend to have all the answers to like any sort of argument you might present to them as to why you don't want to do something.
00:12:48
Speaker
They have so many like seemingly reasonable responses because they have been practicing this over and over again.
00:12:55
Speaker
And so the idea is you never want to give the benefit of the doubt.
00:12:59
Speaker
And like,
00:12:59
Speaker
Also, here's the thing.
00:13:01
Speaker
Let's say you are just paranoid.
00:13:02
Speaker
What's wrong with that?
00:13:04
Speaker
I don't understand why we're made to feel guilty about being paranoid about the fact that our literal lives are on the line every fucking day.
00:13:11
Speaker
Why are you trying to make us feel guilty about, you know, being a little nervous around that?
00:13:15
Speaker
I would assume that a lot of people want to get into it with good faith.
00:13:18
Speaker
But the thing is, you can't have good faith with bad faith actors.
00:13:21
Speaker
Like you just can't, you know?
00:13:22
Speaker
So like you can't do that with people who are going to manipulate your kindness.
00:13:26
Speaker
Like you need to start developing a sense of self-preservation because we aren't giving you this advice because we're like, oh, you know, we just want to create an epidemic of fem cells or whatever.
00:13:35
Speaker
nefarious thing society thinks of us.
00:13:39
Speaker
We're not doing this out of like we have nothing left to, we're just doing this for shits and giggles.
00:13:42
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:13:43
Speaker
We're doing this because there's a reason to be cautious and conscious.
00:13:47
Speaker
There is a reason to worry about how men proceed and act around you.
00:13:51
Speaker
Because the kinds of information that you're telling them is not necessarily information that is good for them to have.
00:13:57
Speaker
And especially with the person you haven't built a bond or a connection with.
00:14:00
Speaker
And also a lot of people who are dating these days are not necessarily dating people that have been vetted by their social circle.
00:14:04
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:14:05
Speaker
It's not like a friend or someone they know from their own existing social circles.
00:14:08
Speaker
Like they're going and meeting strange men, hanging out with strange people.
00:14:11
Speaker
Even someone from work, you really don't know them until you date them.
00:14:14
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:14:14
Speaker
You really don't know who you're getting just because you work with them in an office or something.
00:14:19
Speaker
I know a lot of situations of people, I mean, you know, working in many male dominated spaces as well.
00:14:23
Speaker
Like I know a lot of people who thought like their male friend at work was their friend and then went to have like a one-off drink with them and were like roofied, assaulted, you know, all sorts of things that happened as a result of trusting that friend.
00:14:37
Speaker
And sometimes they worked in countries where the men were not fired.
00:14:40
Speaker
They were just redistributed, reasonable to another division.
00:14:43
Speaker
I was going to say, and a lot of men are aware of, you know, the fact that they can earn their ways of trust through work.
00:14:49
Speaker
You know, it's like a lot of these men are very well aware of like the fact that we're suspicious, the fact that we're nervous because it's common sense.
00:14:56
Speaker
It's survival instinct over millennia.
00:14:58
Speaker
So they have become accustomed to like, oh, hey, but we're friends from like the softball league or, but no, I'm just Joe from accounting.
00:15:06
Speaker
You can trust me because all they need is one chance to literally fuck
Harassment and Power Dynamics at Work
00:15:10
Speaker
you over.
00:15:10
Speaker
And I'm thinking about here, like if I may share a personal story, Diana, I grew up outside of a small town of like 800, but I still grew up like 10 miles outside of that town.
00:15:19
Speaker
It's a farming community.
00:15:20
Speaker
It's a very rural, agricultural area.
00:15:24
Speaker
sort of far from the manning crowd kind of place and we ended up combining various schools from various towns because of course the population just wasn't there and so one of the towns over that we combined with my brother's first girlfriend was from there and she was a year ahead of me she was one of the sweetest most popular girls super kind super loving
00:15:47
Speaker
Very talented at Ashley Lettick Lee.
00:15:49
Speaker
All the things, right?
00:15:50
Speaker
Please tell me why 10 years later, I opened up the news to find out her husband literally murdered her while their toddler was in the house and proceeded to dismember her and put her into tubs, like storage tubs.
00:16:02
Speaker
Yeah, he's in prison for life now, obviously.
00:16:05
Speaker
But like, I will never forget, like, such a beautiful spirit.
00:16:08
Speaker
She was beloved by the community.
00:16:10
Speaker
She was actually like the town that Miss So-and-So, she was nominated of the town one year.
00:16:15
Speaker
So she was really, really a wonderful, beloved member of the community.
00:16:19
Speaker
And like, just to know that somebody could literally from their own husband, who they've given a child to who they built this life with, right?
00:16:28
Speaker
Like,
00:16:28
Speaker
Not only that he would murder her, but he murdered her in the home with their child present and then proceeded to dismember her.
00:16:34
Speaker
And it's like, ever since I heard that story, I was just like, you can't be too careful with these men because the greatest danger to any woman is a man that resides under her own roof.
00:16:46
Speaker
And that was never brought home more clearly than, and I still think of her and I, and I, I pray she's at peace because what an awful, awful way to go.
00:16:54
Speaker
But like women, this is what we're talking about when we're saying like, Oh, don't be paranoid.
00:16:58
Speaker
Excuse me.
00:16:59
Speaker
My one while the precious life is on the line.
00:17:02
Speaker
And are you going to be able to get that back for me if I'm in a situation of extreme danger?
00:17:05
Speaker
Like, you know what I'm saying?
00:17:07
Speaker
At the end of the day, all these people want to have opinions and they all want to tell you how you should and shouldn't behave in the world.
00:17:13
Speaker
But they're not the ones who have to live with the consequences if things go sideways.
00:17:17
Speaker
not going to be at your funeral and be like, well, foolish me, I told her to go and meet that guy.
00:17:21
Speaker
And like, it's on me, but sorry, you know, they're never going to admit to that.
00:17:23
Speaker
So right.
00:17:25
Speaker
Oh, my bad.
00:17:28
Speaker
Exactly.
00:17:29
Speaker
Exactly.
00:17:29
Speaker
And the other thing, like, years and years and years ago, when I worked in like a completely different industry, I mean, you know, like, I think a lot of people at some point when you're doing your college jobs, you work at like a Wendy's or Dairy Queen or like a waitress or whatever.
00:17:42
Speaker
So I had one of those kinds of jobs.
00:17:44
Speaker
And like my coworker at that space, like it was my first day there, I remember.
00:17:47
Speaker
And it was her first day there too.
00:17:49
Speaker
And I believe I have a feeling that she was undocumented.
00:17:52
Speaker
Okay.
00:17:53
Speaker
And because of the reaction that she had to this incident that I'm about to tell you.
00:17:57
Speaker
And basically there was like a manager, like a person who was in charge of us.
00:18:00
Speaker
And there was like a head manager above him, essentially.
00:18:03
Speaker
And this is what I mean about men protect each other, even if they know what's going on.
00:18:06
Speaker
Right.
00:18:07
Speaker
So this manager, I think he came from the same country that she was from.
00:18:10
Speaker
And so he got like her phone number because he was like, Oh, you know, I'm a new immigrant from my country.
00:18:15
Speaker
Like I will help you out or whatever.
00:18:16
Speaker
Right.
00:18:17
Speaker
And then she was like, yeah, cool.
00:18:19
Speaker
She takes his number.
00:18:20
Speaker
And the next day she comes into work and she's like, whatever you do, don't ever stay anywhere alone with that guy.
00:18:27
Speaker
Like, don't be in any room alone with him.
00:18:29
Speaker
And I was like, why?
00:18:31
Speaker
What happened?
00:18:31
Speaker
And she was like, basically, and she showed me her text messages and he had sent her like very lewd messages, like dick pics, like
00:18:40
Speaker
I want to like fuck you against the counter kind of messaging.
00:18:44
Speaker
And she was obviously terrified.
00:18:45
Speaker
And I believe she was a single mom as well.
00:18:47
Speaker
And I was like, you have to do something about it.
00:18:49
Speaker
You have to tell like the guy above him.
00:18:51
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:18:51
Speaker
Like somebody needs to know because this is not okay.
00:18:53
Speaker
And she was like, no, I can't do that because he's the most valuable employee right now at the company.
00:18:58
Speaker
They're not going to fire him.
00:18:59
Speaker
They're going to get rid of me.
00:19:00
Speaker
And I need this job because I'm undocumented.
00:19:02
Speaker
So I can't, I mean, we shouldn't say I was undocumented, but you know what I mean?
00:19:05
Speaker
I could tell because like she really needed that job.
00:19:07
Speaker
She really needed that job.
00:19:08
Speaker
And like, I remember,
00:19:10
Speaker
just feeling horrible for her because she couldn't do anything about it.
00:19:13
Speaker
She couldn't challenge him.
00:19:14
Speaker
She couldn't complain to the guy above us.
00:19:17
Speaker
Basically, what ended up happening was that this woman, like, you know, I asked her if she wanted me to help her.
00:19:23
Speaker
And she was like, No, there's no way that you're gonna be able to tell this to them without, you know, implicating me and letting them know that it was me.
00:19:28
Speaker
And because this guy is like, you know, right under the head of department, the head of department is not going to fire him.
00:19:32
Speaker
And I knew she was telling the truth because I mean,
00:19:34
Speaker
we're two new employees.
00:19:36
Speaker
It takes nothing for them to get rid of us and replace us with someone else.
00:19:38
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:19:39
Speaker
Like he was established.
00:19:40
Speaker
He had way more seniority.
00:19:42
Speaker
And I had a feeling that he was used to doing this because I mean, imagine the audacity to be able to do that to someone who was there on the first day of work.
00:19:50
Speaker
just because she's from your country.
00:19:51
Speaker
Like she's a brand new employee.
00:19:53
Speaker
So clearly he had gotten away with it with other employees before because he had the audacity.
00:19:57
Speaker
Like, you know, I mean, it's like extremely, I can't even imagine doing that to someone on their first day at the job.
00:20:03
Speaker
That means you're so used to doing it, right?
00:20:05
Speaker
And like, obviously he had gotten away with it before because the people above didn't do anything about it.
00:20:10
Speaker
It was like a standard practice with him.
00:20:13
Speaker
And I mean, I think he never came for me personally because...
00:20:16
Speaker
Maybe he sends... Also, because the first week I was there, I kind of got into a verbal spat with another guy who was working with me.
00:20:23
Speaker
And I was like, don't fucking talk to me like that.
00:20:24
Speaker
And that kind of terrified some of the men.
00:20:25
Speaker
I was going to say, remember your BDE, Diana?
00:20:28
Speaker
Your big daddy energy?
00:20:30
Speaker
That scares a lot of them off.
00:20:32
Speaker
I'm too serious.
00:20:33
Speaker
I kind of set like a boundary with that guy like very early on where I was like, don't fucking touch me and don't get all touchy-feely with me with somebody else, not even him.
00:20:39
Speaker
I don't know you like that.
00:20:40
Speaker
I've been working here less than a week.
00:20:41
Speaker
I don't like people touching me.
00:20:42
Speaker
Okay, this is just in general.
00:20:43
Speaker
I don't like people touching me, especially people I don't know.
00:20:46
Speaker
And he got really scared because like he was like very jokey and friendly with me.
00:20:49
Speaker
And I was like, we're professional colleagues.
00:20:50
Speaker
You're not my friend.
00:20:51
Speaker
I'm here to do work.
00:20:54
Speaker
Well, and here's the other thing.
00:20:55
Speaker
First of all, this woman was already vulnerable because she was a single mother.
00:20:58
Speaker
Okay.
00:20:59
Speaker
And they look for that.
00:21:01
Speaker
And she was doubly vulnerable because of her status, her undocumented status.
00:21:05
Speaker
And this is why they ask you the most inappropriate questions, because all they need is one little piece of information about you.
00:21:10
Speaker
Oh, you live alone.
00:21:11
Speaker
And I'm dropping you off at your home address.
00:21:14
Speaker
All I have to do is come back in 10 hours when it's the middle of the night.
00:21:17
Speaker
And who's going to know?
00:21:18
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:21:18
Speaker
Like that's how predators think.
00:21:20
Speaker
And you can never know who is a predator at first sight, you know?
00:21:24
Speaker
And like the best ones are the ones who are the most concealed.
00:21:27
Speaker
Also in her situation, he presented it like he presented it as help.
00:21:30
Speaker
But really, he was finding information, right?
00:21:32
Speaker
Because he was like, oh, you immigrated here on your own.
00:21:35
Speaker
It's just you and your son.
00:21:37
Speaker
So he was kind of gauging.
00:21:38
Speaker
He was like, how many men are in her social circle, right?
00:21:40
Speaker
Like, does she have brothers?
00:21:40
Speaker
Does she have another man who will come and beat me up if I do this kind of shit?
00:21:43
Speaker
Oh, she's alone.
00:21:44
Speaker
Oh, she degraded alone.
00:21:45
Speaker
She's new to this country, doesn't really speak the language.
00:21:47
Speaker
Maybe she's one of those women who needs the kind of guy to hang on to, to like protect her or whatever, you know?
00:21:52
Speaker
So he kind of went after, like, that's the thing, right?
00:21:53
Speaker
He went after her because her status was threatened and mine was not.
00:21:56
Speaker
And he didn't want to take that chance because he'd already seen that I was more than willing to put up a fight with somebody who was disrespecting me.
00:22:01
Speaker
So I think he just thought it'd be much harder to get me to keep quiet.
00:22:05
Speaker
And so he didn't even try that with me.
00:22:06
Speaker
That's why they say to like, for example, they talk about like spatial awareness when you're
Cultural Influences on Safety Strategies
00:22:11
Speaker
walking.
00:22:11
Speaker
So this was something I really learned from living overseas for so many years was like how to walk with a lot of purpose with my head up.
00:22:17
Speaker
My head is swiveling constantly.
00:22:19
Speaker
Like it looks like I'm the most suspicious motherfucker on the planet because I am.
00:22:23
Speaker
When I'm out in the world alone as a woman, even though I actually, I'm a very tall, very like a statuesque woman.
00:22:30
Speaker
I mean, I'm sort of built like a Valkyrie, you know, but even in spite of that, I don't take it for granted.
00:22:35
Speaker
I am a woman.
00:22:36
Speaker
And so I'm constantly scoping out my surroundings.
00:22:38
Speaker
If I hear something behind me, I stop, I turn around and I look.
00:22:41
Speaker
I've startled men before because they aren't expecting me to like,
00:22:45
Speaker
square up to them on the street, you know, but it's like, I'm making it clear.
00:22:49
Speaker
And this is something that Gavin DeBecker has said and various serial killers have talked about.
00:22:53
Speaker
It's like, you make it clear that you are on your guard, that you are watchful and mindful and that you cannot be caught unawares because the greatest thing
00:23:02
Speaker
advantage to a predator is the element of surprise.
00:23:05
Speaker
Watch any nature show.
00:23:06
Speaker
That's what you'll see.
00:23:07
Speaker
The predators that get their food are the ones who are the most, who are the sneakiest about it.
00:23:12
Speaker
And that's what male predators do as well.
00:23:14
Speaker
So when I'm walking around on these city streets, I am just like the most suspicious motherfucker.
00:23:19
Speaker
And I make it clear, like everybody's under my surveillance.
00:23:22
Speaker
I'm watching you.
00:23:23
Speaker
I've got like big teacher energy when I'm on the streets, you know, like I'm watching you.
00:23:27
Speaker
I got the two fingers.
00:23:27
Speaker
I'm like,
00:23:28
Speaker
Like the two fingers are looking at my eyes and then I'm looking back at you.
00:23:31
Speaker
And what can I tell you, since I've really taken on this persona, it's really a persona that I'm donning, right?
00:23:37
Speaker
When I'm out in the streets, like I don't really get bothered anymore.
00:23:40
Speaker
I hear so many women talk about getting cat called and this and that.
00:23:43
Speaker
And it's not like looking real fine.
00:23:44
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:23:45
Speaker
It's the general attitude that I give off where I'm just like, I will fuck you up.
00:23:49
Speaker
I don't care if I get fucked up in the process.
00:23:50
Speaker
I'm going to fuck you up too.
00:23:51
Speaker
You know, you want to make it as costly as possible for them to fuck with you.
00:23:56
Speaker
And that's why this is such a great example, Diana, of your work colleague, because she had no cost.
00:24:02
Speaker
There was no cost to him.
00:24:04
Speaker
to accost her.
00:24:05
Speaker
Exactly.
00:24:06
Speaker
And I think, again, she came in with a very naive and very like, oh, he's a fellow immigrant from my homeland.
00:24:12
Speaker
Like, you know, he probably means the best for me.
00:24:14
Speaker
Maybe I should.
00:24:15
Speaker
Like, for me, I just never take men's help because I know it comes at strings.
00:24:18
Speaker
Like, even if I were to meet another man from my home country, he was like, first of all, no other group of men who have screwed me over more than men from my own home country.
00:24:27
Speaker
So if a man from my home country offered me help to begin with, I'd be like, suspicious.
00:24:32
Speaker
Don't be
00:24:33
Speaker
Just don't miss the specials.
00:24:37
Speaker
Well, hey, you know, that's not the truth, though.
00:24:39
Speaker
And of course, I have to say, like, from what I read from the news stories that do come from those parts of the world, it's like horrifying.
00:24:45
Speaker
It's just absolutely horrifying.
00:24:47
Speaker
Yeah.
00:24:48
Speaker
No, I don't trust them at all.
00:24:49
Speaker
And also, I make it very difficult for them to help me.
00:24:51
Speaker
Like, that's the thing, right?
00:24:52
Speaker
Like, if a man was asking for his number, I'm like, I have a primary registration fee of like $2,500.
00:24:57
Speaker
I can put you on the roster.
00:24:59
Speaker
That's how much it would cost you.
00:25:00
Speaker
And they don't know whether I'm kidding or not.
00:25:02
Speaker
And I'm like, no, I'm dead serious.
00:25:03
Speaker
Truly, the men with good sense of humor will pay that, honestly, because they're like, I'm amused.
00:25:07
Speaker
I'm intrigued, woman.
00:25:08
Speaker
I want to know more.
00:25:09
Speaker
But the ones who are wasting your time are going to be like, you're just being a pricey bitch, fuck off.
00:25:12
Speaker
And I'm like, okay, bye.
00:25:14
Speaker
Nobody wants to talk to you.
00:25:15
Speaker
If I can weed you away, I'm happy to do that.
00:25:18
Speaker
At the very least, I make a good chunk of money.
00:25:20
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:25:21
Speaker
But I make it very expensive.
00:25:22
Speaker
The barrier to entry should always be high.
00:25:24
Speaker
Like most of the time, I'm not interested in talking to men at all.
00:25:26
Speaker
I don't really register them as an equal species.
00:25:28
Speaker
Like to me, engaging with them is like, I just feel like I'm just not that interested.
00:25:33
Speaker
I don't know how to say it.
00:25:34
Speaker
They're just very boring most of the time.
00:25:36
Speaker
Yeah, it's very true.
00:25:36
Speaker
It's very cliched.
00:25:38
Speaker
And it's very scripted.
00:25:39
Speaker
And yeah, that's never been how I connect with people.
00:25:42
Speaker
I've always been like, no, the sneak attack of love works much better on me where it's like, you're just naturally engaging with me in conversation that is meaningful.
00:25:49
Speaker
And I don't expect that you're trying to be like, you know, if I already feel a natural vibe with you.
00:25:54
Speaker
And at the end of that conversation, you're like, you know, I really enjoy this conversation.
00:25:56
Speaker
Like, why don't we keep it going over dinner sometime?
00:25:58
Speaker
I'd be like, Oh,
00:25:59
Speaker
That's smooth.
00:26:00
Speaker
Wow.
00:26:01
Speaker
Hell yes.
00:26:02
Speaker
It's really amazing.
00:26:03
Speaker
It's amazing to see like the barrier to entry for them is so high.
00:26:06
Speaker
And yet really the bare minimum of behavior is also so low.
00:26:09
Speaker
Like just treat me like you would treat a nice little old grandpa sitting on his front porch and we're probably going to get along, you know, but they can't even do that.
00:26:16
Speaker
Yeah, no, they can't.
00:26:18
Speaker
They just turn shit really sexual, really upfront, or they're just extremely boring in the conversation.
00:26:22
Speaker
It's like, all you did was nod and shake your head and listen.
00:26:25
Speaker
And they're like, Oh my God, I've never had a woman listen to me like this before.
00:26:28
Speaker
We must go out.
00:26:29
Speaker
I'm like, no, the last thing I want is for a man to monologue at me for an hour.
00:26:33
Speaker
That's my worst nightmare.
00:26:35
Speaker
That's the seventh layer of hell for sure.
00:26:37
Speaker
Absolutely, absolutely.
00:26:38
Speaker
But that's the thing, right?
00:26:39
Speaker
Like, you have to be careful.
00:26:41
Speaker
Like, I'm always gauging why does this person want this information?
00:26:43
Speaker
And I honestly am the pro white lie territory.
00:26:46
Speaker
Like, if a man asked me questions that I think are invasive, like how many people do you live with?
00:26:50
Speaker
Do you live alone?
00:26:51
Speaker
You know, like just things that I'm like, I don't know you.
00:26:53
Speaker
And I'm not haven't been dating you long enough for you to know those things about me.
00:26:56
Speaker
Like, I'll just make up and I'll be like, well, you know, I stay with this.
00:26:59
Speaker
This is this person.
00:26:59
Speaker
I always include men.
00:27:01
Speaker
I always include like a man that stays in my house that I'm like, Oh, I have to go back home or my brother is going to be really mad.
00:27:07
Speaker
I love the white lie.
00:27:07
Speaker
And that's really hard for me.
00:27:08
Speaker
And I appreciate you bringing that up again and again, because I think you're absolutely right.
00:27:12
Speaker
Of course, my goody two shoes Catholic background is like a lie.
00:27:16
Speaker
But honestly, I've had to lie to get out of some of the worst situations in my life.
00:27:19
Speaker
And I've come to realize like women need to learn how to lie.
00:27:22
Speaker
It's a survival tactic.
00:27:23
Speaker
It's not some sort of moral failing on your part.
00:27:26
Speaker
It's a moral failing on society that we're put into such situations where we have to lie to get out of serious trouble.
00:27:31
Speaker
Okay?
00:27:31
Speaker
That's not on you in those kinds of moments.
00:27:34
Speaker
Hey, and women have been telling all kinds of stories since biblical days.
00:27:37
Speaker
Like, this is not, you know, I didn't have sex with someone else.
00:27:39
Speaker
This is the son of God.
00:27:40
Speaker
Okay?
00:27:44
Speaker
Oh, Diana.
00:27:45
Speaker
People have been coming up with all sorts of things.
00:27:47
Speaker
I honestly, I don't feel the same.
00:27:48
Speaker
I don't know.
00:27:49
Speaker
Maybe this is a sociopathic side of me, but I don't feel that kind of guilt about lying to them when I feel like my safety is at stake.
00:27:55
Speaker
Because at that moment, I'm more invested in self-preservation.
00:27:58
Speaker
And at that point, I'm like, hmm, well, what is the worst case scenario playing out here, right?
00:28:02
Speaker
Like, what if they stalk me?
00:28:04
Speaker
What if they get my number through someone else that is not trusted, not vetted?
00:28:07
Speaker
Also, by the way, outside of my inner circle, nobody has my personal phone number.
Setting Boundaries with Family
00:28:11
Speaker
My workplace doesn't have my personal phone number.
00:28:13
Speaker
I have like a chain of, you know, vetting strategies, even with the people that I know.
00:28:17
Speaker
So that even by accident, like a pick me girl, first of all, I don't really know that many pick me's.
00:28:21
Speaker
But even if like, you know, there was a pick me associated with me who was like, I want to set you up with my friend.
00:28:26
Speaker
And like, I turn her friend down and the friend goes to her and was like, hey, can you give me her number or whatever?
00:28:29
Speaker
Like she won't be able to because she doesn't have my number.
00:28:32
Speaker
Nobody has my number.
00:28:33
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:28:34
Speaker
So it's set to that level because you really have to be persistent.
00:28:38
Speaker
Even in business, I don't want people calling me on my days off.
00:28:40
Speaker
So my business phone is shut when I'm not working.
00:28:43
Speaker
My number that's for my work registration, the number that I have for my personal stuff, completely different.
00:28:48
Speaker
So I always keep it that way.
00:28:50
Speaker
Diana, also, you know, I like this idea of like the white light of like, I've got a brother, my cousin's living with me or, you know, my uncle, blah, blah, blah.
00:28:57
Speaker
I think you should always have a male in your household, an imaginary male and a dog.
00:29:01
Speaker
Yeah, my dog hates men is a great one because there's a lot of dogs that hate men.
00:29:06
Speaker
Actually, my dog does hate men.
00:29:07
Speaker
And it makes me so sad because like, I mean, I'm sad because I'm like, why do you dislike men so much?
00:29:13
Speaker
Like, it makes me feel bad for what he might have been through.
00:29:14
Speaker
Because I adopted him at one from a very nice family that had a father and a mother.
00:29:18
Speaker
But like, for whatever reason, like he's very suspicious of men.
00:29:21
Speaker
And I'm like, you know what, I'm gonna trust your judgment.
00:29:24
Speaker
And I'm also really glad that I ended up with a dog who's just like, I don't fuck with men.
00:29:27
Speaker
Because I think that's the natural deal.
00:29:29
Speaker
If an animal's instincts...
00:29:31
Speaker
a pure animal instinct who can't go through like some, all these layers of justification and rationalization.
00:29:37
Speaker
If their automatic instinct is dude bad, like who am I to argue?
00:29:41
Speaker
Honestly, Rose's dog, I feel like you're very, a very sound judgment.
00:29:45
Speaker
Like you have assessed what is the apex predator and you're like, I'm behaving properly.
00:29:49
Speaker
Like we are the only species that have to mingle and have sex with our apex predator.
00:29:54
Speaker
And I don't think most of us ever contend with the fact that the thing that is most likely to kill us is the thing that we're also trying to find a romantic relationship with.
00:30:01
Speaker
So your dog is actually a very sound mind because it's assessed what is the biggest threat.
00:30:06
Speaker
And it's like, yep, this irrational creature is probably it.
00:30:09
Speaker
It's true.
00:30:10
Speaker
And, you know, I know amongst men, like, you know, they all love Louis C.K.
00:30:13
Speaker
And I'll never forget when my brother sent me like one of Louis C.K.
00:30:16
Speaker
's bits where he's like, you know, women are the only one who have to go out with like they're the most dangerous predator alive.
00:30:23
Speaker
And they're like, hey, let's go for dinner.
00:30:24
Speaker
Like, let me get all dressed up and do my hair.
00:30:26
Speaker
And like, let's hope it works out for the best.
00:30:29
Speaker
But it's like, when your life is on the line, how dare you act like it's better to give someone the benefit of the doubt than like, give yourself the benefit of the doubt that your instincts are right.
00:30:38
Speaker
And this is why we're always, always, always talking about Gavin DeBecker's The Gift of Fear.
00:30:42
Speaker
I've never read a better book.
00:30:44
Speaker
The examples he gives are stunning in the first chapter alone where he talks about the woman who's bringing her groceries up to her apartment and there's a man like loitering outside and he's like, oh, I forgot my keys.
00:30:54
Speaker
And she's like, okay, well, but he's like, come on, you can be a neighbor.
00:30:56
Speaker
I'll help you bring your groceries up.
00:30:58
Speaker
And like, just keeps finding ways to keep on her tail and gets his way into the apartment and then ends up raping her, of course.
00:31:04
Speaker
Like, because that is the playbook and they know it, but they rely on us doubting our own best instincts, instincts that have been cultivated forever.
00:31:13
Speaker
for millennia.
00:31:15
Speaker
Women, our instincts are first best defense against any and all predators who are tempting to come for us.
00:31:23
Speaker
Trust those instincts.
00:31:25
Speaker
Yes.
00:31:26
Speaker
Oh my God.
00:31:27
Speaker
And also like, that's the thing, right?
00:31:29
Speaker
When we talk about like general red flags, it's like invasiveness, like the invasion of privacy, just being very nosy about your personal life.
00:31:35
Speaker
Like, I don't appreciate this from strange people.
00:31:38
Speaker
Like leave men.
00:31:38
Speaker
I don't appreciate this from people I don't know in general.
00:31:41
Speaker
Like whenever people ask me questions, sometimes honestly in that moment, if I don't want to give them an answer, I will just make up one.
00:31:46
Speaker
I do that all the time.
00:31:48
Speaker
Because sometimes I'm like, if I know for a fact that I'm not going to befriend you, and we're not going to have a long lasting relationship of any kind, friendship, romantic, whatever, I feel no stress at all about lying to you because I'm under no obligation to follow up on that relationship.
00:32:02
Speaker
I honestly don't care because some people, you know what, we have this concept, like in a lot of cultures, they have this concept of like the evil eye.
00:32:07
Speaker
Have you ever heard of that evil eye?
00:32:09
Speaker
Yes, yes.
00:32:10
Speaker
The concept of it is just like, you don't want to give people too much of your business because you don't know who is like enviously putting the hexes on you.
00:32:17
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:32:18
Speaker
Not that it's necessarily a hex.
00:32:19
Speaker
Like, obviously, it's just like, I don't want that energy around me.
00:32:22
Speaker
Like, I don't want people to know every last thing of what I do.
00:32:24
Speaker
Like, if anything, I'm so proud of my accomplishments.
00:32:27
Speaker
I share them with my inner circle and the people who are important to me.
00:32:29
Speaker
I feel no obligation about sharing what's going on with other people.
00:32:32
Speaker
If I, if to the outside, like the uttermost circle of my social connections, if what they think about me is I'm an exceedingly boring person with nothing going on, I'm fine with that.
00:32:41
Speaker
You've done your business right.
00:32:43
Speaker
Exactly.
00:32:43
Speaker
It's true.
00:32:44
Speaker
I love this idea.
00:32:45
Speaker
I think moving in silence is so important.
00:32:47
Speaker
And if I may, Diana, I want to read one of our listeners in this last week's podcast.
00:32:53
Speaker
One of our listeners posted a response.
00:32:56
Speaker
And again, I'm always listening to what our listeners write.
00:33:00
Speaker
So again, if you want to post comments, please know that I am listening.
00:33:05
Speaker
And the most recent one said...
00:33:07
Speaker
Rose, if you haven't already, could you elaborate on the process of coming from your background towards creating a life that you love?
00:33:13
Speaker
I just don't know how to propel myself forward spiritually and emotionally and retire generational resentment to make room to fully commit to giving myself a good life.
00:33:22
Speaker
How to unlearn guilt and shame, I guess, the age-old question.
00:33:25
Speaker
Dear listener, this was such a sweet question, and I really felt such a connection with you when I read it, because it's like, you know...
00:33:33
Speaker
Boundaries.
00:33:34
Speaker
Boundaries are how we create and how we break these generational traumas.
00:33:38
Speaker
It's how we create our best lives.
00:33:40
Speaker
It's how we break away from the evil eye.
00:33:43
Speaker
I bring this up because my sister has the most evil eye.
00:33:47
Speaker
And it's devastating to me because she's the only sister I have.
00:33:51
Speaker
She's my big sister.
00:33:52
Speaker
She's the oldest in our family.
00:33:54
Speaker
And, you know, I worshipped her growing up and I gave her chance and chance and chance and time and time again.
00:34:00
Speaker
Not only was I let down, I was deeply wounded.
00:34:03
Speaker
And it was only after both of our parents had passed away that I finally was like, you know what, I don't have to let this bullshit in my life anymore.
00:34:10
Speaker
I don't need to let this evil eye be present because she is the most envious and grasping of my life.
00:34:17
Speaker
She thinks my life should be hers.
00:34:18
Speaker
She doesn't understand why she doesn't have my life.
00:34:20
Speaker
And she thinks it's so unfair that I do.
00:34:23
Speaker
And what I found is since I put boundaries in place and I live my life in silence, what she's able to glean comes from, you know, the one brother I talked to or her son, my nephew.
00:34:33
Speaker
I still keep him in my life, although we're going to be having a conversation soon about minding my business and not sharing it with all and sundry, a.k.a.
00:34:41
Speaker
his mother.
00:34:42
Speaker
because she's always pumping him for information.
00:34:44
Speaker
But you know, he's younger, and he hasn't learned all these things yet.
00:34:46
Speaker
So I'm giving him some grace, but only some I'm getting to the point where I'm just like, listen, you're no longer gonna have access to me if you can't learn to guard my information from your mother.
00:34:56
Speaker
There's a reason I don't talk to her.
00:34:57
Speaker
There's a reason I don't tell her what's going on in my life, because
00:35:00
Speaker
Since I stopped talking to her, since I put boundaries, very firm boundaries in place, and it took me a very long time.
00:35:05
Speaker
But since I put those firm boundaries in place, my life has only improved by immeasurable leaps and bounds.
00:35:11
Speaker
Like, it's amazing if I look back four years ago, five years ago, when my mother was still alive, and she was still in my life, because of course, I was always sort of like blackmailed by my mom or emotionally, you know, guilted into still forgiving my sister for all of the fuck shit she put us through.
00:35:28
Speaker
my life was so miserable.
00:35:29
Speaker
I was like at the worst of my alcoholism and my drug intake and, and, and, like my life was so terrible on every single level.
00:35:38
Speaker
And I literally felt like I was drowning.
00:35:40
Speaker
And after my mom died, and I really came to realize like,
00:35:44
Speaker
how thoroughly that sister had betrayed not only me, but our mother.
00:35:48
Speaker
And I think, I don't know if I ever would have cut her out from my life if it had just been on my account.
00:35:53
Speaker
I think I'm way too capable of just swallowing so much shit and pushing through.
00:35:58
Speaker
But when you fuck with our mother,
00:36:02
Speaker
When you cannot, even in her dying days, show the smallest modicum of empathy or compassion, when it's only ever about you, even as her mother is on her deathbed, what is the point of having you in my family life?
00:36:15
Speaker
What good are you?
00:36:17
Speaker
All you do is bring ruin and evil.
00:36:20
Speaker
And so to our dear listener who asked, like, how do you move beyond the guilt and shame?
00:36:24
Speaker
I'm still working on that myself.
00:36:26
Speaker
But I'll tell you what, having shitty people be yeeted from my life has been the best way for me to go about healing and giving myself the grace that I've needed for so, so long.
00:36:36
Speaker
Thank you for sharing that.
00:36:38
Speaker
Yeah, I mean, you know what I've realized?
Personal Growth and Protecting Achievements
00:36:40
Speaker
I think that when you're on the verge of your glow up stage, it has to be done privately.
00:36:45
Speaker
When we think about creating a safe space, we're always thinking about it in collaboration with other people.
00:36:51
Speaker
I think part of having a safe space for yourself is
00:36:53
Speaker
creating a space for yourself where you feel safe to try things without the scrutiny of other people.
00:36:58
Speaker
I think for me, when I was turning my life around as well, what I found was I always felt like this weird sense of obligation towards like informing the people who are closest to me about everything that I was up to.
00:37:07
Speaker
And honestly, even with the people who I'm closest to, I've really pulled back on how much I tell them, not because I believe that they have some like evil energy towards me,
00:37:15
Speaker
But because like I now see it as like I needed other people to validate my choices and part of me telling them was like seeking their validation in my choices.
00:37:23
Speaker
And now I approach my life with a lot more conviction.
00:37:26
Speaker
I don't necessarily need people to validate my choices.
00:37:29
Speaker
So I only share things once they're already there on the verge of happening or like it's something that's already happened.
00:37:35
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:37:35
Speaker
Most of the time now when I look back and I'm like the best thing you could do for yourself is move in silence, is be guarded about exactly who you're telling what to.
00:37:43
Speaker
Like things like, okay, like when I wanted to get back in shape and go to the gym, right?
00:37:47
Speaker
Even without meaning to, I'm not saying that this is like a mean thing that people intend that they were trying to sabotage you and prevent you from reaching your goals.
00:37:52
Speaker
But sometimes when you have been a person who hasn't been very consistent in the gym and you've lacked discipline and you want to go to the gym, but you're hanging out with people and like you realize, oh my God, it's 8 p.m.
00:38:01
Speaker
I need to go hit the gym.
00:38:03
Speaker
And like your friend is like, no, why don't you stay for like another drink or like, no, why don't you just skip today or whatever, right?
00:38:07
Speaker
Like, it becomes hard for you to build that discipline because you don't want to disappoint your friend.
00:38:11
Speaker
And so you kind of give in to them and you kind of like don't hold yourself to that standard and discipline because you don't want to hurt people's feelings.
00:38:18
Speaker
And so I often had to create this environment of like, you know, instead of telling people I'm going to the gym, which again seems less serious and something that's skippable, I say, I'm so sorry, I have an appointment.
00:38:27
Speaker
Vague.
00:38:28
Speaker
Vague.
00:38:28
Speaker
Appointment could mean anything.
00:38:29
Speaker
Dentist appointment, work appointment, blah, blah, blah.
00:38:32
Speaker
Usually they don't ask me to elaborate.
00:38:33
Speaker
I just say, I have an appointment.
00:38:35
Speaker
God, I can't miss it.
00:38:36
Speaker
Sorry, I gotta go.
00:38:37
Speaker
And usually they won't ask me to cancel because appointment always sounds more official than I need to go to the gym.
00:38:42
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:38:43
Speaker
Part of having boundaries with people is you have to stop over explaining yourself to other people.
00:38:47
Speaker
When I was younger, I really did this because I felt the need to justify my decision making to everyone around me.
00:38:52
Speaker
And I remember I started up had a friend once asked me, she was like, why do you need to give a reason for everything?
00:38:55
Speaker
Why do you let us know every aspect of your decision making process?
00:38:58
Speaker
Until she pointed it out to me that way, I had no idea I was even doing it.
00:39:01
Speaker
Once you put it out, I couldn't stop seeing how I was doing it.
00:39:05
Speaker
I was doing it all the time, you know, and so I learned not to have to justify my decision making to other people.
00:39:11
Speaker
Also, I start paying attention to how people respond to the good things in my life.
00:39:13
Speaker
Like there are people in my life, like my family members, who I thought were on my side, but then when I would tell them something really good that was going on, they always found a way like should talk it in some way.
00:39:20
Speaker
And they're like, Oh, well, you're not getting paid that much.
00:39:22
Speaker
And like,
00:39:23
Speaker
oh, well, whatever, I'm sure it won't work out or whatever.
00:39:25
Speaker
And I was like, that's such a strange response to have to someone who's sharing something good with you.
00:39:29
Speaker
Like, why can't you say, cool, congrats?
00:39:31
Speaker
Like, if I was bursting with envy because somebody got to meet, I don't know, the ghost of Alan Rickman or something, I wouldn't be like, oh my God, like, it was just a ghost anyway.
00:39:41
Speaker
It wasn't the real thing.
00:39:42
Speaker
You know what I mean?
Building and Strengthening Boundaries
00:39:44
Speaker
I thought that was so cool.
00:39:46
Speaker
Yes, yes, exactly.
00:39:48
Speaker
I've moved us away from talking about heterosexual males and dating for a minute because, and I'm glad you bring up this example of your own family as well, because I think a lot of the practice comes in setting boundaries with men.
00:40:00
Speaker
A lot of the practice has to come from like you have to build that muscle on the everyday basis.
00:40:04
Speaker
Who's in your life on an everyday basis?
00:40:05
Speaker
Typically your family and your friends.
00:40:07
Speaker
And it's not that they necessarily have ill intentions.
00:40:10
Speaker
Some do, a la my sister, but others are just kind of more of like the neutral, like, oh, we'd rather hang out with you than have you go to the gym.
00:40:16
Speaker
Like, it can wait for another day.
00:40:17
Speaker
Well, you know, that kind of attitude means all of a sudden you miss the gym for a week, a month, a year.
00:40:22
Speaker
Like, that's how quickly you can backslide.
00:40:24
Speaker
And so if you practice this muscle of like, not over explaining yourself, not justifying your decisions, simply keeping things as vague and as private as you need to to satisfy people's fucking nosiness, because people are
00:40:36
Speaker
so nosy.
00:40:37
Speaker
You know what?
00:40:38
Speaker
I'm nosy, but I've learned to reign it in because it's inappropriate most of the time.
00:40:42
Speaker
Unless I'm with like really close friends who I can tell need to say something, but they don't feel comfortable saying it.
00:40:46
Speaker
I might be like, listen, I can tell something's up with you.
00:40:49
Speaker
I just want you to know whatever you say stays in secret between us.
00:40:53
Speaker
There is no judgment.
00:40:54
Speaker
I love you and I'm here for you.
00:40:55
Speaker
And oftentimes that's all they need to be like, oh my God, I'm so glad you said that because X, Y, Z. But
00:41:00
Speaker
Learning in our own private lives with our people who are most intimately associated with us, learning how to just say like, I'm going to have to pass, et cetera, et cetera.
00:41:07
Speaker
That's how you work up towards having really concrete boundaries with then when you get into the dating market.
00:41:13
Speaker
And I think that's just...
00:41:15
Speaker
It's a domino effect where everything in your life improves and you will see the proof in the pudding once you start acting accordingly.
00:41:21
Speaker
Boundary setting is a muscle.
00:41:25
Speaker
It takes time.
00:41:26
Speaker
And I think that there is some truth to that.
00:41:27
Speaker
You have to start with a position of testing it out with people in your own inner circle.
00:41:31
Speaker
Like, again, I don't assume everybody has ill will towards me, but...
00:41:35
Speaker
No one is more accountable for the way that my life goes than I am.
00:41:39
Speaker
Like I need to be accountable towards my exercise, my health practices, my work life, my mental health.
00:41:44
Speaker
Literally, I'm the person who's responsible for this.
00:41:46
Speaker
And like that affects who I'm going to date and stuff as well, because if I have no boundaries with them, I'm going to neglect myself in the process.
00:41:53
Speaker
And so what we would say is just practice it as a muscle.
00:41:56
Speaker
And eventually you will get there.
00:41:58
Speaker
It's never overnight.
00:41:59
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:42:00
Speaker
This is not like a thing that happens.
00:42:02
Speaker
Even sometimes I backslide.
00:42:03
Speaker
Like I'm usually quite good at setting boundaries.
00:42:05
Speaker
But every now and then I meet someone who has a uniquely manipulative, convincing strategy that I haven't experienced before.
00:42:11
Speaker
And I'm like, wow, new curveball surprise question on the quiz.
00:42:15
Speaker
I was not prepared for the examination.
00:42:17
Speaker
The universe is always testing us to see if we've learned the lesson so we can move on to the next level.
00:42:21
Speaker
At least that's been the case for me.
00:42:23
Speaker
Like every time I finally feel like I've gotten a handle on a behavioral or like, you know, spiritual practice, then a new, like you say, a new situation comes.
00:42:32
Speaker
That's really the old situation with a new twist.
00:42:35
Speaker
And how the outcome comes about is whether I'm able to like meet it where it's at and transcend it or if I'm going to backslide and like have to learn the lesson again.
00:42:43
Speaker
Because you will keep encountering the same situations until you learn your lesson.
00:42:47
Speaker
I feel like that's how the universe, I mean, I know the universe is chaos, okay?
00:42:51
Speaker
But I've had so many weird things in my life happen where it's like, wow, this keeps coming up until I finally like manage to...
00:42:58
Speaker
set my boundary, say no, whatever the case may be, until I found a way to actually turn it towards my advantage, it keeps coming back, like, almost like taunting me, like, have you learned your lesson yet?
00:43:08
Speaker
No?
00:43:08
Speaker
All right, bitch.
00:43:09
Speaker
Well, here's another chance to learn it.
00:43:11
Speaker
And honestly, it's really been a fun, it's almost like a video game approach, you know, like,
00:43:16
Speaker
Even if you lose, you can try again, as long as, but the point is, even if you lose, you have to make sure you're still alive.
00:43:21
Speaker
So operate with that being your baseline.
00:43:23
Speaker
Like I have to make sure I'm alive and well with whomever is dealing with me.
00:43:28
Speaker
And then we can see about, you know, setting up further boundaries to further benefit you as time goes on.
00:43:33
Speaker
But it's a learning process and it's a muscle that we have to work out.
00:43:36
Speaker
Diana, I know we're almost out of time.
00:43:38
Speaker
Is there anything else we should bring up before we wrap up for today?
00:43:41
Speaker
I think we covered most of it.
00:43:42
Speaker
I think that we have everything that we wanted to say.
00:43:45
Speaker
But yeah, at the end of the day, I think, you know, even with strange people, the most important thing always is, if you don't have an explanation, but you feel weird anyway, honor the weird feeling.
Conclusion: Trusting Instincts for Safety
00:43:54
Speaker
Always honor the weird feeling.
00:43:56
Speaker
Like if you feel like there's no justification for why I feel uncomfortable around this person, your body is reacting before your mind does trust your body, you know,
00:44:05
Speaker
Same way, like if you were to see a volcano, you wouldn't just be like, hmm, how interesting, a volcano erupted.
00:44:10
Speaker
You're gonna run, because that's common sense, right?
00:44:13
Speaker
So at the end of the day, just do what makes sense for you.
00:44:15
Speaker
And I don't really feel like you need to justify your behavior to other people if it's in the interest of your safety.
00:44:19
Speaker
Nobody knows what you're going through except for you, right?
00:44:23
Speaker
So you're the only person that needs to look after yourself and be accountable to yourself.
00:44:27
Speaker
Trust and believe.
00:44:29
Speaker
Trust and believe that you are your own best ally and act accordingly.
00:44:33
Speaker
Yep.
00:44:34
Speaker
Prioritize yourself.
00:44:35
Speaker
And as always, to all the squirrels, here's a boundary.
00:44:38
Speaker
Die mad.
00:44:40
Speaker
See you next week.
00:44:43
Speaker
Bye.