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Putting the Woo Back in Wooing: Courtship, Nature, and the Art of Wooing Yourself
46 Plays10 months ago
The Queens dive into the natural order of courtship and discuss how you can and should get into the habit of wooing yourself.
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Transcript
Introduction and Objectives
00:00:00
Speaker
Welcome to the Female Dating Strategy, the meanest female-only podcast on the internet.
00:00:04
Speaker
I'm your host, Diana.
00:00:05
Speaker
And I'm your host, Rose.
00:00:07
Speaker
And today we have an ongoing continuation of the last week's discussion.
00:00:12
Speaker
Right, Diana?
00:00:14
Speaker
We're going to go into some of the thoughts and tangents that our discussion with Dr. Ashne led us to contemplate in the last week and helps us really tie together a lot of what FDS has always been an advocate for, which is
00:00:30
Speaker
Women winning.
00:00:31
Speaker
Maximizing female benefit.
00:00:34
Speaker
Maximizing female benefit.
00:00:36
Speaker
It's the name of the game, and we're going to go into
Understanding Patriarchy and Women's Power
00:00:38
Speaker
it.
00:00:38
Speaker
To lead that discussion, I asked Diana if I could read a quote from my favorite, and she agreed.
00:00:44
Speaker
Once we read this quote, that's sort of like our thesis for this whole discussion today, and then we're going to go into it.
00:00:50
Speaker
So if you would, please do me the pleasure and honor of allowing me to do a little bit of a quote.
00:00:55
Speaker
We're going to get going.
00:00:56
Speaker
Go right ahead.
00:00:57
Speaker
So we've got this quote from Marilyn Fry from her essays in feminist theory.
00:01:03
Speaker
It's entitled The Politics of Reality.
00:01:05
Speaker
And here she quotes...
00:01:07
Speaker
To say that straight men are heterosexual is only to say that they engage in sex, as in fucking exclusively with the other sex, i.e.
00:01:16
Speaker
women.
00:01:17
Speaker
All or almost all of that which pertains to love, most straight men reserve exclusively for other men.
00:01:25
Speaker
The people whom they admire, respect, adore, revere, honor, whom they imitate, idolize, and form profound attachments to, whom they are willing to teach, and from whom they are willing to learn, and whose respect, admiration, recognition, honor, reverence, and love they desire, those are overwhelmingly other men.
00:01:44
Speaker
In their relations with women, what passes for respect is kindness, generosity, or paternalism.
00:01:51
Speaker
What passes for honor is removal to the pedestal.
00:01:55
Speaker
From women, they want devotion, service, and sex.
00:02:00
Speaker
Heterosexual male culture is homoerotic.
00:02:03
Speaker
It is man-loving.
00:02:05
Speaker
End quote.
00:02:06
Speaker
And this is something that actually kicked us off with our discussion with Ashi.
00:02:10
Speaker
Was it not where we talked about putting the homo and homo sapien, Diana?
00:02:14
Speaker
Mm-hmm.
00:02:16
Speaker
And we just really thought about, you know, all this time that women are constantly being lambasted for their standards, which is what FDS has always advocated for.
00:02:24
Speaker
I mean, we have from the jump, this has been our line in the sand, maximizing female benefit.
00:02:30
Speaker
And we have been ruthlessly hammered on this point.
00:02:33
Speaker
I mean, we had to leave Reddit because of
00:02:36
Speaker
the harassment and the brigading.
00:02:38
Speaker
So obviously we were ruffling a lot of feathers from the males of the species.
00:02:43
Speaker
And we think it really just points to the fact that we have completely upended the natural order amongst our own kind and in turn led to the desolation of the entire planet.
00:02:53
Speaker
So ladies, in this week's discussion,
00:02:56
Speaker
We are going to discuss how we can use the natural world and the animal kingdom to rediscover what we have already known and been educated to forget.
00:03:06
Speaker
Diana, let's get into it.
00:03:08
Speaker
I think it's important to acknowledge that men are the ones that have appended the natural order.
00:03:13
Speaker
Women, if anything, have tried to put it back into order.
00:03:16
Speaker
We're trying to restore balance.
00:03:18
Speaker
We're basically the avatar, okay?
00:03:19
Speaker
Okay.
00:03:21
Speaker
We're here to put the balance back into the universe.
00:03:24
Speaker
And unfortunately, balance means that they can't just get away with treating everyone they want, whichever way they want.
00:03:29
Speaker
And that's the thing.
00:03:30
Speaker
Like, you know, one of the things I had a discussion with Dr. Ashley about last week after we were wrapped up was she said, you know what they have no room for in the animal kingdom?
00:03:38
Speaker
Ego.
00:03:38
Speaker
So from the moment man discovered himself, the cultivation of self is what has separated us from other animals.
00:03:45
Speaker
the idea that we have our own self-interest, our own purpose, our own destiny.
00:03:49
Speaker
These are all the cultivation of the ego.
00:03:52
Speaker
In the animal kingdom, ego is what gets you killed.
00:03:55
Speaker
If there's a small ass monkey and he picks a fight with a silverbacked gorilla, he is going to die if he thinks he's as strong as a silverbacked
Women's Liberation and Social Media's Role
00:04:02
Speaker
gorilla.
00:04:02
Speaker
But men have artificially created systems that have allowed them to retain control of
00:04:07
Speaker
resources of education of women's ability to define for themselves what they want out of their lives.
00:04:13
Speaker
And so it's this artificial reality that women have grown up in.
00:04:17
Speaker
And it's almost like we are animals in captivity, we have not been behaving naturally, a lot of what we've been doing is coping.
00:04:24
Speaker
and surviving in a system that is designed to oppress us.
00:04:28
Speaker
And so, you know, you behave like a caged bird.
00:04:31
Speaker
It's very important for you to understand the context of which your actions happen, because a lot of these actions happen in a system where you are not free.
00:04:39
Speaker
You have been operating as a caged bird.
00:04:41
Speaker
And so a lot of your fear and your response comes from being a caged bird.
00:04:45
Speaker
So we want women to see themselves as like, this is the episode where you get to stretch your wings a little bit.
00:04:50
Speaker
Because we are trying to, you know, bring the woo back into wooing and also talk about the collateral damage of what all of this artificial bringing of the game has resulted in, you know, for women specifically.
00:05:02
Speaker
Absolutely.
00:05:03
Speaker
And you know, I was just looking up, I know there are some books that talk about this.
00:05:06
Speaker
There's one specifically by Esther Perel, Mating in Captivity, which I think had such a tantalizing discussion as like the title.
00:05:14
Speaker
But really, it's about how we can desire what we already have.
00:05:19
Speaker
In other words, how can we find some sort of pleasure or contentment in this artificial system, which has been designed to subjugate us?
00:05:27
Speaker
and abnegate our pleasure at every turn.
00:05:29
Speaker
This is also kind of a continuation of when Ashi was talking about, you know, there's so much in primatology and in her animal studies that she has not been able to find or the wrong questions have been asked or articles are published and then later retracted or they're published and not retracted, but they're later proven wrong, but they remain common sort of common knowledge, aka, you know, these myths that sort of circulate a la the alpha wolf.
00:05:57
Speaker
And all of this is because, again, this is an artificial system, academia, publishing, it's run by men.
00:06:04
Speaker
And so a lot of the information that could be helpful for us, especially from the natural order of things, that is absolutely non grata in the publishing world and in the world of knowledge building.
00:06:16
Speaker
And so let's not forget that it is only with the advent of social media, especially with YouTube, Twitter, Facebook,
00:06:24
Speaker
Instagram, and now podcasting that women have actually been able to have these discussions.
00:06:29
Speaker
I mean, this is such a new phenomena.
00:06:31
Speaker
We really can't even wrap our little brains around it.
00:06:33
Speaker
I mean, do you even remember Diana, where the first women's vote was secured?
00:06:37
Speaker
And when?
00:06:38
Speaker
Must have been the early 1900s, right?
00:06:40
Speaker
1920 something.
00:06:42
Speaker
It was 1918.
00:06:43
Speaker
1918, yeah.
00:06:44
Speaker
That was literally 100 years ago, okay?
00:06:47
Speaker
That's one century.
00:06:49
Speaker
And in that time, we've already heard, we've already faced an immense backlash.
00:06:54
Speaker
At every turn where we have secured any gain, we have faced an immense backlash because we are pushing back against this unnatural order situation.
00:07:03
Speaker
that they have been able to maintain, you know, for millennia.
00:07:05
Speaker
But let's not forget that men are the ones who actually rigged the system.
00:07:11
Speaker
They created it, they rigged it, and they're still losing.
00:07:15
Speaker
Ladies, this system is not sustainable.
00:07:18
Speaker
Patriarchy hurts us all.
00:07:19
Speaker
I'm not interested in the side of men who are getting hurt.
00:07:22
Speaker
That's something that they're going to have to work out on their own.
00:07:24
Speaker
I wish them luck.
00:07:25
Speaker
I have no ill will towards them.
00:07:27
Speaker
But it is women and children that I really want us to save.
00:07:30
Speaker
And it is women and children who are always most damaged.
00:07:33
Speaker
We are the collateral damage in this unnatural order that has been set up under patriarchy.
00:07:38
Speaker
And so we really want to discuss how putting the woo back into wooing
00:07:43
Speaker
is so integral to us taking back and beginning to reclaim what has been denied us.
00:07:50
Speaker
Yes.
00:07:50
Speaker
And I think that, you know, part of the reason why we had this discussion last week about understanding the
High Standards in Relationships
00:07:56
Speaker
animal kingdom is when we talk about women showing rootless standards and why we need them, I think a lot of people have a lot of guilt about having rootless standards because they seem to think that it's unfair to men or it makes them feel exceedingly guilty to have those kinds of standards.
00:08:12
Speaker
That is your patriarchal conditioning.
00:08:14
Speaker
That is not a real thing.
00:08:16
Speaker
If you observe any other animal in its natural habitat, almost exclusively if the male species does something that the female does not like, she will not mate with it.
00:08:25
Speaker
No questions asked.
00:08:26
Speaker
There aren't a bunch of male spiders going around asking the female spider, why won't you have sex with me?
00:08:31
Speaker
Oh my God, your cobweb is going to dry all up.
00:08:33
Speaker
You're never going to find another spider again.
00:08:35
Speaker
Like this shit doesn't happen in the animal kingdom.
00:08:37
Speaker
Okay.
00:08:38
Speaker
There isn't a lion out there who's being chased by a male lion being like, you're hitting the wall.
00:08:42
Speaker
Like this is not a thing.
00:08:47
Speaker
You've passed your expiration date, Lioness, as she's sitting there all glorious.
00:08:52
Speaker
The female is always valuable.
00:08:54
Speaker
And there's many cases where when men, like the male species, like I think in seagulls, when they don't find females to mate with, they end up mating with each other because there's just no other option.
00:09:03
Speaker
This is why a lot of men go gay in prison because they don't have options.
00:09:06
Speaker
Yeah.
00:09:08
Speaker
And hey, we were talking about this, Diana.
00:09:10
Speaker
Look at gay men and look at their standards.
00:09:12
Speaker
Are they sitting there saying like, oh, an unwashed ass?
00:09:15
Speaker
That's okay.
00:09:16
Speaker
I'll fuck it anyway.
00:09:17
Speaker
Hell fucking no.
00:09:19
Speaker
They would never.
00:09:21
Speaker
And so, ladies, if homosexual men have these exceedingly high standards for the men with whom they will fuck,
00:09:28
Speaker
Why don't we, especially when we have so many more disadvantages as a result of fucking them.
00:09:34
Speaker
We're more likely to get STDs.
00:09:36
Speaker
We're more likely to get pregnant.
00:09:38
Speaker
We're more likely to be abandoned if we get pregnant, you know, and also people always hide all the crazy shit that happens to you in pregnancy.
00:09:44
Speaker
And I really feel like these women that have been through pregnancy really need to talk about what they go through.
00:09:49
Speaker
Because when I hear about this crazy stuff that happens to you during pregnancy, I'm like, oh my God.
00:09:54
Speaker
How do we not know this?
00:09:56
Speaker
Alrighty.
00:09:57
Speaker
And I mean, there's a clear reason why we don't know it, right?
00:09:59
Speaker
Because if we did, many of us would choose not to get pregnant.
00:10:02
Speaker
And so, you know, like, that's why men have to sell you this like snake oil of like, motherhood, the most fulfilling career of them all.
00:10:10
Speaker
It's the zenith of human work production or whatever the fuck.
00:10:14
Speaker
And it's like, you know, at the end of the day, if being a mom was all it was cracked up to be, men would be lining up to be moms like ASAP.
00:10:20
Speaker
Like, how many men do you know who are giving up being a six figure earning CEO to go back home and like cook cookies for like make baked cookies for their kids and shit?
00:10:28
Speaker
They aren't doing that.
00:10:30
Speaker
Because there's no value.
00:10:31
Speaker
They know there's no value in doing that.
00:10:33
Speaker
They don't.
00:10:34
Speaker
It's the same when they're like, no, sex work is work.
00:10:36
Speaker
And by the way, we are always in favor of women workers, no matter what situation you're in.
00:10:41
Speaker
But we do believe that under patriarchy, sex work is absolutely, you know, the zenith of exploitation and dangerous labor that is unregulated and absolutely injurious to any person who participates in it.
00:10:54
Speaker
But if sex work was so liberating and empowering, why don't we have all these male prostitutes and male strippers and male only fans?
00:11:01
Speaker
We don't.
00:11:02
Speaker
They know.
00:11:03
Speaker
But that's not to our advantage for us to know.
00:11:06
Speaker
And so, again, let us never forget that they are the masters of propaganda.
00:11:10
Speaker
Okay.
00:11:11
Speaker
Yep.
00:11:11
Speaker
And also, like, taking aside just that point, like, dissecting it a little bit more.
00:11:15
Speaker
Of the men who are on OnlyFans, many of them don't make the same kind of money that women do.
00:11:19
Speaker
But the ones that do are almost always there because of extremely desperate circumstances.
00:11:23
Speaker
Okay?
00:11:24
Speaker
Again, like, none of those OnlyFan men are household names.
00:11:29
Speaker
You know, we don't have a Forbes article about the highest earning guy on OnlyFans.
00:11:33
Speaker
We don't have books written about like the history and the mythology of this OnlyFans guy.
00:11:39
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:11:40
Speaker
Like we don't know and we don't care because again, stop listening to what men say and start observing what men
Women's Self-Value and Societal Conditioning
00:11:46
Speaker
do.
00:11:46
Speaker
That's more important because what men do is telling you what they actually feel about the situation.
00:11:51
Speaker
Men will say a whole bunch of shit.
00:11:52
Speaker
I just pretend that their mouth is just moving and I just like, you know, put on my favorite song in my brain and I'm like, just, you know, look at them.
00:11:57
Speaker
Look how pretty he is.
00:11:58
Speaker
I just ignore everything they say and I look at what they do instead.
00:12:01
Speaker
I really encourage a lot more women to just ignore men and just do what's best for you.
00:12:05
Speaker
I think that we feel guilty about this because we've been conditioned to be like, oh, no, listen to everyone.
00:12:09
Speaker
Give everybody a fair say.
00:12:11
Speaker
Look, you're not the Supreme Court.
00:12:13
Speaker
OK, you're not the judge.
00:12:14
Speaker
Like the only way that you're here to judge is to determine whether what he's saying is of any value to you.
00:12:19
Speaker
And even then it has to be backed by action or it's just useless.
00:12:22
Speaker
That's so well said.
00:12:23
Speaker
We are not adjudicating here, OK?
00:12:25
Speaker
We are simply determining from the data that we are given what will be most advantageous to us.
00:12:30
Speaker
And so as far as procuring advantage, this is something that I often hear the men's rights movement decry when they talk about, you know, women are only mating with the top 10% of men, which statistically speaking is absolutely inaccurate, that math is not mathing.
00:12:45
Speaker
But what they are referring to is what is referred to as hypergamy, right?
00:12:50
Speaker
It's a social science term.
00:12:52
Speaker
It's referring to, quoting from like Wiki, the practice of marrying or dating someone who is of a higher social status or sexual capital than one's self.
00:13:03
Speaker
And so, you know, of course, women who are looking to see who they want to meet with, and who they want to have children with, are looking for, you know, that man who can best provide for them now and in the future.
00:13:17
Speaker
And again,
00:13:18
Speaker
This is from the natural kingdom.
00:13:20
Speaker
Whatever they're decrying this, like that's actually from the natural order of things.
00:13:24
Speaker
I don't understand how you can deny why it is most beneficial, but that's the point.
00:13:29
Speaker
They don't want what's most beneficial for us.
00:13:31
Speaker
They want what's most beneficial for them.
00:13:33
Speaker
If we start to consider their perspective, which is women are a finite resource.
00:13:39
Speaker
We are limited.
00:13:40
Speaker
We are expendable, but it still costs a lot of resources and time to recover another female.
00:13:47
Speaker
So it is to their advantage.
00:13:48
Speaker
And this is also why what chump lady calls cake eaters, men who want to eat their cake, want to have their cake and eat it too, referring to men who want to have wives and girlfriends, but still cheat indiscriminately.
00:13:59
Speaker
Like it is always going to be to their advantage for us not to enforce ruthlessness.
00:14:05
Speaker
And that's why that is our number one standard is that you absolutely have to be ruthless.
00:14:09
Speaker
And you know, Diana, this has been very difficult for me.
00:14:12
Speaker
Yeah, because I would say we're only as expendable as we allow ourselves to be.
00:14:17
Speaker
You know, if you treat yourself as someone who is replaceable, you will be replaced because at the end of the day, it comes down to do you value yourself enough to walk away from a situation that is not serving you, you know, and a lot of people feel a lot of guilt about doing that.
00:14:30
Speaker
But like, you know, going back to what you were going to say, what was your experience like, Rose?
00:14:34
Speaker
Well, coming from a family where women were meant to serve and we were meant to be seen and not heard.
00:14:40
Speaker
I mean, this is from the horse's mouth or the horse's ass himself.
00:14:44
Speaker
my father, and constantly told, you know, any rights you have, it's because we've given them to you.
00:14:49
Speaker
It's because we've decided to allow you because, you know, it's truly men who rule the world and who should be in charge.
00:14:56
Speaker
And your job is just simply to submit, you know, and I was a very sweet tempered child.
00:15:01
Speaker
I'm very much an artist, you know, I just kind of, I'm a people pleaser.
00:15:03
Speaker
Like I want things to be beautiful and harmonious.
00:15:06
Speaker
And so I really tried my best to follow his edicts and, you
00:15:13
Speaker
Something always just kind of mingled at the back of my mind, like, is this true?
00:15:16
Speaker
Because I see how he treats my brothers, and it's so different.
00:15:19
Speaker
But we're all his children, so he must love us equally.
00:15:23
Speaker
But then his actions really don't align with his words.
00:15:26
Speaker
So it was very confusing for me.
00:15:28
Speaker
It was a lot of cognitive dissonance.
00:15:29
Speaker
And, of course, this fucked me over so badly.
00:15:32
Speaker
I'm dropping F-bombs left at night today.
00:15:34
Speaker
You know, it's probably because I'm getting more comfortable with posting with you, Diana.
00:15:37
Speaker
My favorite F word is free.
00:15:39
Speaker
After that, it's definitely the F bomb.
00:15:41
Speaker
So please forgive me if that's not to your liking.
00:15:44
Speaker
But I'm not going to change my French because it's like the best seasoning for the English language.
00:15:48
Speaker
So as I got older, and I started to try to date, which was an absolute shit show.
00:15:54
Speaker
I mean, I was just being taken advantage of left and right, put into dangerous situations.
00:15:59
Speaker
At one point, I literally ended up in prison.
00:16:02
Speaker
And that's a story we're not going to get into today.
00:16:04
Speaker
At some point, we might have that be like a storytelling hour because that's quite the story.
00:16:10
Speaker
You know what?
00:16:11
Speaker
Like, there's just no way how I don't even know how you can drop that.
00:16:14
Speaker
And there's no follow up.
00:16:16
Speaker
I mean, but of course, you know, I wouldn't pressure you to do that.
00:16:19
Speaker
But whenever you feel like you want to share that story with us, like, at least there do you have a captive audience of me?
00:16:24
Speaker
I'll say that much.
00:16:26
Speaker
Thank you.
00:16:28
Speaker
I love an active listener.
00:16:30
Speaker
Thank you.
00:16:31
Speaker
I mean, it's just to point out, and I don't think I'm alone in this.
00:16:33
Speaker
I mean, actually, when I was in prison, most of the women who were in prison with me were there because of men.
00:16:39
Speaker
And I know in prison, people are willing, you know, nobody's, nobody's guilty.
00:16:42
Speaker
But these women weren't saying that they weren't guilty.
00:16:44
Speaker
They were saying that, you know, they were accompanying their husband or a local townsman on a trip because he had a car and she needed to get somewhere and they get pulled over and there are drugs in the trunk.
00:16:54
Speaker
And all of a sudden she's in prison for drugs that weren't even hers.
00:16:57
Speaker
Right.
00:16:57
Speaker
But they had to have a male accompaniment to wherever they were going because men tend to have the cars and the resources.
00:17:03
Speaker
Right.
00:17:03
Speaker
So,
00:17:04
Speaker
In any case, that's a story for another time.
00:17:06
Speaker
But the point is, we women have been so brainwashed and conditioned.
00:17:11
Speaker
And it's not like I'm not an intelligent person.
00:17:13
Speaker
In fact, it took me a very long time to understand that I actually am quite intelligent.
00:17:17
Speaker
But in the ways of men, I was exceedingly naive and trusting, which was not a good idea.
00:17:25
Speaker
But that's how I was brought up.
00:17:26
Speaker
I don't think I'm alone in having been brought up like that.
00:17:28
Speaker
That's why I'm sharing some of these little tales, because I think this is common.
00:17:32
Speaker
I think this is sort of the law of the land across the world.
00:17:36
Speaker
And we're seeing the ill effects on so many levels.
00:17:40
Speaker
But now that we're also seeing women pushing back for me, seeing the rise of single women ownership, homeownership here in the United States,
00:17:48
Speaker
education, we're outpacing men, etc.
Double Standards and Men's Expectations
00:17:51
Speaker
That's, I think, why we are starting to see this revolt, this increasing revolt from men, because we are reaching sort of a critical mass, as far as women beginning to wake up to understanding our own worth, our own inherent worth and value, not simply as reproductive machines, but as human beings with our own will and volition.
00:18:13
Speaker
And I could not be happier.
00:18:15
Speaker
Yeah.
00:18:16
Speaker
And I mean, you know, at the end of the day, that's why we have to go back to the fundamentals with people.
00:18:21
Speaker
Because, you know, even as we're developing this podcast and stuff, I think a lot of people just feel a lot of guilt.
00:18:26
Speaker
I mean, a lot of women are people pleasers.
00:18:28
Speaker
And that's because they're raised to be, you know, it's conditioning, right?
00:18:31
Speaker
I think men are allowed to explore who they are individually without any of that kind of guilt.
00:18:37
Speaker
I don't really know a lot of men who are people pleasers, to be honest with you.
00:18:40
Speaker
And I think it's because they're kind of nurtured in their desire for their ambitions and like their ambitions are validated, right?
00:18:46
Speaker
They're told, oh, you deserve the world.
00:18:47
Speaker
You deserve this.
00:18:48
Speaker
You deserve that.
00:18:48
Speaker
But of course, you know, maybe they have that kind of conditioning about like everything that happens for you will come with hard work.
00:18:54
Speaker
And I think when you really need to understand exactly how men are conditioned in order to have to leverage that, because I think a lot of women think that if I make his life easier, he'll value me more.
00:19:03
Speaker
And a lot of women are taught that your ability to be loved lies in how useful you can be to other people.
00:19:09
Speaker
And I think that's why we end up having such a disadvantaged formation of relationships in general.
00:19:14
Speaker
It doesn't just, you know, extend to romantic relationships.
00:19:17
Speaker
It's even with like family and friends and stuff.
00:19:19
Speaker
We're very likely to overextend ourselves trying to keep everyone happy.
00:19:23
Speaker
And then if you notice a lot of these families where the woman is doing everything, she winds up being extremely bitter and very resentful, rightfully so, because she's handling everything on her own.
00:19:32
Speaker
So, you know, we say these things not because we're trying to make the process of dating for you a lot more difficult.
00:19:37
Speaker
We say these things so that your life doesn't wind up becoming more difficult.
00:19:41
Speaker
I think I'd rather take a slightly more difficult approach to finding a partner that's actually solid than to lower my standards and keep it easy breezy and then wind up in a lifestyle that is extremely difficult to maintain.
00:19:54
Speaker
And I don't know why people don't ever play chess with their own lives, because at the end of the day, you know, you're playing checkers in a system where men have played chess.
00:20:01
Speaker
When they're evaluating you, they're looking at whether you as a partner are able to bring that kind of value into their lives, right?
00:20:09
Speaker
They're looking at whether other men will be impressed by you, whether you look a certain way, whether you can fit into their social class, whether you're able to
00:20:15
Speaker
you know, deal with whatever expectations they have of you cooking, cleaning, you know, maintaining the house, looking after children.
00:20:21
Speaker
They have, like, trust that men have done their vetting.
00:20:23
Speaker
You could never convince a man to settle for a woman he doesn't find attractive.
00:20:26
Speaker
Like, there's no man going to another man being like, dude, why don't you go after someone with my super plane?
00:20:31
Speaker
Like, nobody.
00:20:32
Speaker
Nobody's doing that, you know?
00:20:34
Speaker
The men are not doing that.
00:20:35
Speaker
We women are.
00:20:36
Speaker
And we're always like, oh my God, why don't you give me another chance?
00:20:38
Speaker
And like, I know that he stabbed your baby, but like, it was an accident.
00:20:41
Speaker
No, we need to stop.
00:20:43
Speaker
We need to stop.
00:20:44
Speaker
Okay.
00:20:45
Speaker
You're actually making me think about this idea that, you know, people pleasing, it does not exist among men.
00:20:50
Speaker
That is so true.
00:20:50
Speaker
I don't even think it's part of their calculus because they're not designed to exist for anyone other than themselves.
00:20:58
Speaker
Whereas we are solely taught that that is our own purpose, right?
00:21:02
Speaker
We're taught that that is our only purpose is we exist to serve others.
00:21:05
Speaker
We exist to serve and please others.
00:21:07
Speaker
They're taught the inverse of that.
00:21:09
Speaker
And so I think that's why when they're like,
00:21:11
Speaker
women just don't understand, or women are like, men just won't listen to us.
00:21:15
Speaker
It's because we're operating from completely different calculations.
00:21:18
Speaker
And so this idea of people pleasing them led me to think about like, you know, if a woman is described as calculating, would you consider that a positive or a negative?
00:21:28
Speaker
I mean, it comes down to be like they might as well call her a hideous shrew.
00:21:32
Speaker
Yes.
00:21:34
Speaker
It's the worst thing you could be considered like a gold digger, you know, because you're being a calculating woman.
00:21:38
Speaker
But would we ever refer to a man as being calculating?
00:21:41
Speaker
Yeah, if he were like doing calculus, if he were doing science or math, but it wouldn't have that connotation that it does when women do it.
00:21:51
Speaker
Men can say whatever the hell they want.
00:21:52
Speaker
I'd rather be a gold digger than a pussy scavenger.
00:21:54
Speaker
I'm sorry.
00:21:55
Speaker
Like, you know, I don't care about sticks and stones.
00:21:58
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:21:59
Speaker
Let them say whatever the F they want to say.
00:22:01
Speaker
Like they have to say whatever they can to get you to lower your standards because there's a barrier to entry.
00:22:06
Speaker
Like if, you know, a B-level student was to go to Harvard and was like, well, Harvard, like, you know, you've hit the wall.
00:22:12
Speaker
You're not the best of the IVs anymore.
00:22:14
Speaker
Let me in.
00:22:14
Speaker
Harvard would just be like, okay, go home.
00:22:16
Speaker
You know, you're drunk.
00:22:17
Speaker
No, like any institution that has high standards and high barriers of entry.
00:22:21
Speaker
Do you think that they were able to maintain that exclusivity by letting any old Tom, Dick and Harry come in?
00:22:27
Speaker
No.
00:22:27
Speaker
And let's point out that if they do accept a B student, it's because that student has what particular advantages and resources.
00:22:34
Speaker
Okay.
00:22:35
Speaker
Exactly.
00:22:36
Speaker
Or they have other talents and skills that set them apart from the other students in their cohort.
00:22:41
Speaker
You know, there's something special about them.
00:22:42
Speaker
It's not, you know, obviously, college admissions is holistic.
00:22:45
Speaker
And I would say that, you know, women should also be holistic in evaluating things.
00:22:49
Speaker
But there are certain non-negotiables.
00:22:51
Speaker
Like, for example, I'm sure at like a Topps University, it'd be like, this person should be a hardworking, driven, ambitious student, regardless of, you know, whether they're a 3.9 or 3.8.
00:23:00
Speaker
But like the same way we need to have these like minimum standards, which a lot of women like negotiate, like this is where when we come back to like put the woo and wooing and ruthless standards, these are intertwined, right?
00:23:10
Speaker
Because men are not going to woo you if they think that you have an easy access, like if they have easy access to you.
00:23:15
Speaker
And let's not forget, these men who hate gold diggers, A, they have no gold to dig, and B, they're jealous because the men who do have gold to dig, the 10%, are getting all of the hotties that they want, right?
00:23:27
Speaker
So, like, again, we're looking at what they say versus what they do.
00:23:31
Speaker
As soon as they have those resources, they're attempting to get the hottest, the most beautiful, just the most gorgeous person, woman that they can.
00:23:38
Speaker
They're not being like, what's her IQ?
00:23:40
Speaker
What's her EQ?
00:23:41
Speaker
You know, how does she feel about religion?
00:23:43
Speaker
They're taking any of that into account.
00:23:45
Speaker
Right?
00:23:46
Speaker
They want the hotties.
00:23:47
Speaker
Yep.
00:23:48
Speaker
I mean, I don't care about some guy reading about like, you know, you're a gold digger sent from my dad's iPhone in my mom's basement writing on a Reddit forum.
00:23:57
Speaker
Like, you know, also, I think women need to really develop thicker skin and not let what men get say to them, like take it to heart and take it to personally.
00:24:05
Speaker
Because men are not very original in how they reuse their insults, right?
00:24:09
Speaker
You're either fat, you're ugly, you're a hoe, or you're a prude.
00:24:12
Speaker
There's always some variation of these four insults.
00:24:15
Speaker
So just know that once he's reaching this level, he is reaching the bottom of the barrel in order to find something to attack you with.
00:24:21
Speaker
And you are already winning.
00:24:23
Speaker
You're winning through your apathy.
00:24:25
Speaker
You're losing every time you engage with them.
00:24:27
Speaker
Exactly.
00:24:28
Speaker
You're winning on your own merits.
00:24:29
Speaker
Exactly.
Empowerment and Overcoming Negativity
00:24:30
Speaker
This is why we tell women not to get into these long escalations and like discussions with men on the internet, you know, where I hate those men who try to act all coy on the internet who are like, oh no, like I'm really asking this in good faith.
00:24:41
Speaker
And they ask you to explain like a concept that is easy for anyone to understand to them just so that they can like irritate you because to them that waste of time is still a woman giving them attention.
00:24:50
Speaker
I think I've heard that referred to as sea-lining.
00:24:52
Speaker
It's a type of trolling or harassment that consists of pursuing people, women, with relentless requests for evidence, right?
00:24:59
Speaker
It's just like, oh, I don't understand.
00:25:00
Speaker
Go look it up.
00:25:01
Speaker
There's actually a cartoon on it.
00:25:02
Speaker
It's fantastic, and it describes most of these men.
00:25:04
Speaker
But yes, you're right.
00:25:05
Speaker
FDS from the jump has always said, do not engage with the trolls.
00:25:08
Speaker
Exactly.
00:25:09
Speaker
And we always say block and delete for this very reason.
00:25:11
Speaker
It's also a safety thing, right?
00:25:13
Speaker
Because if you're dating someone or you went on a date with a guy who's obsessive, you know, blocking and deleting him is much better than explaining why his behavior is wrong.
00:25:20
Speaker
Two parts to that.
00:25:21
Speaker
One part of it is that you're giving him the ability to get mad and try to target you.
00:25:26
Speaker
The other part
00:25:26
Speaker
fact is that by telling him what he did wrong, he's able to disguise his behavior and attack another woman with a lot more ease.
00:25:32
Speaker
So stop giving men the tools to go back and like harass more women.
00:25:36
Speaker
Just make it harder.
00:25:37
Speaker
Like it's our job.
00:25:38
Speaker
I don't understand how people don't get the basic simple logic that it's our job to make it difficult for them.
00:25:43
Speaker
It's their job to make shit easier for us.
00:25:45
Speaker
And it's our job to make shit difficult for them.
00:25:46
Speaker
That's why I keep saying be a problem like once a month.
00:25:48
Speaker
Yes.
00:25:49
Speaker
Practice saying no on a regular basis.
00:25:50
Speaker
Look, there's a yes there.
00:25:52
Speaker
You can always get to yes after a few no's, right?
00:25:54
Speaker
So there's no harm to follow in that.
00:25:56
Speaker
I mean, sometimes you have to say no just on principle.
00:25:59
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:26:01
Speaker
Diana, yes, Diana.
00:26:03
Speaker
I love this.
00:26:04
Speaker
And this is such a good point.
00:26:05
Speaker
You know, honestly, we have got to stop listening to them.
00:26:09
Speaker
And I know I read so many times what women are like, oh man, I'm on Reddit.
00:26:12
Speaker
I see men saying this or like,
00:26:14
Speaker
I was on Twitter or, you know, they go through all the different social medias where they just like compulsively scroll and read all of these like absolute trolls, you know, the bottom dregs of society.
00:26:25
Speaker
And this is a form of self-harm and it's a form of self-sabotage.
00:26:29
Speaker
And it is absolutely why we will decry it at every turn.
00:26:32
Speaker
I mean, these are people who are not worthy of your time, your eyeballs, you know, a scintilla of your energy.
00:26:38
Speaker
It's better served looking for sisterhood, community,
00:26:42
Speaker
self-betterment, hell, even go take a nap.
00:26:46
Speaker
And literally anything but reading them and letting those words into your heart.
00:26:50
Speaker
Because we tend to really take them to heart because we've been taught that what men say matters.
00:26:56
Speaker
And that men's word is the law of the land.
00:26:59
Speaker
And it is, in fact, the inverse of what the natural order would have it be.
00:27:03
Speaker
Our word needs to be the law of the land.
00:27:06
Speaker
What we say is what goes.
00:27:09
Speaker
Yeah.
00:27:09
Speaker
And especially when it comes to our relationships, because I remember early on in the forum days, people had a lot of issues with the walk dates and the coffee dates and the drink dates and stuff.
00:27:19
Speaker
And they were like, well, you know, I don't want to commit to a dinner.
00:27:22
Speaker
It's like if I don't like him, it's easier to just go on a coffee date.
00:27:26
Speaker
and walk away from him or whatever, you know?
00:27:28
Speaker
And the coffee date is what I do when I'm trying to get to know a mentor in business.
00:27:33
Speaker
To me, it's not a very romantic proposition.
00:27:35
Speaker
So, you know, if I'm meeting a guy for a coffee date, even if it is like, if it was a date, I would assume it's like a mentorship opportunity because the only reason I would agree to that is because I'm trying to get something out of him, like straight talk.
00:27:47
Speaker
Yeah, professional, professional.
00:27:48
Speaker
Exactly.
00:27:49
Speaker
Even if he thinks it's a date, I'm like, you know what, I'm trying to see if you're a professional resource to me or not.
00:27:54
Speaker
So the most leverage and power you have with a man is before
00:27:58
Speaker
you get into any sort of relationship or sleep with them or anything.
00:28:00
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:28:01
Speaker
Like that's the most leverage you're ever going to have is what can this person ultimately do for me?
00:28:06
Speaker
That being said, I would never ever go on a coffee date with a person because outside of the fact that it's lazy and shows like a lack of imagination, it's the fact that, you know, a lot of people use this excuse of like, well, you know, it's a short way for me to test compatibility.
00:28:19
Speaker
There are cheaper and more effective ways for you to do that without leaving your home and without putting on makeup and getting ready and doing all that other stuff.
00:28:27
Speaker
Just call him on FaceTime and have a 10-minute conversation with him.
00:28:31
Speaker
The number of men I've vetoed and next just because of their inability to hold a 10-minute phone call
00:28:37
Speaker
And I mean, this is very relevant for me also, because like I travel a lot for work, you know, so there's no guarantee that I'm always going to be in the same place with a person that I'm dating or a partner that I have.
00:28:48
Speaker
So like if I can't even have a 10 minute conversation with you because I just find you that numbingly boring, like why would I go on an actual physical date with you?
00:28:55
Speaker
Like you can't even keep my attention over pixels.
00:28:58
Speaker
And this is the FDS has always said that they're like, this is one, we don't believe in coffee dates or walk dates or any of that.
00:29:03
Speaker
Two, even if you do go on dinner, you can walk away at any point, women.
00:29:07
Speaker
And this is part of us like learning to let go of that guilt.
00:29:09
Speaker
Like if you're feeling a certain type of way, if he's creating these feelings in you, just literally get up and walk away.
00:29:14
Speaker
But also one of the tenets was before you agree to a date, you have to at least have a phone call or a FaceTime call.
00:29:21
Speaker
Because you're doing everything you can to conserve your own resources, time, energy, etc.
00:29:26
Speaker
While also maximizing the potential for you to find the one person you're really looking for.
Gift Giving and Relationship Dynamics
00:29:31
Speaker
You have to separate the wheat from the chef.
00:29:33
Speaker
If we approach this more from a numbers game, the more men that you're talking to that you can go through on FaceTime and see yes, no, and then maybe like, yes, no, it has to be either a fuck yes or a hell no.
00:29:45
Speaker
And then if you go to dinner and you decide like from the jump, there's something he don't like how he smells or he's got like a weird eye contact thing, like excuse yourself to go to the bathroom, leave through the back fucking door.
00:29:56
Speaker
And you know, if you're worried about the money or whatever, you know, always bring cash on you.
00:29:59
Speaker
I mean, I say this to everybody anyway, like always have cash on you.
00:30:02
Speaker
But by having already met this man,
00:30:05
Speaker
You have bathed, you have showered, you have groomed, you have probably applied makeup and perfume.
00:30:11
Speaker
You've spent money on transit to get there.
00:30:14
Speaker
It's time.
00:30:14
Speaker
Time is precious.
00:30:15
Speaker
You can never get that time back.
00:30:17
Speaker
You can never create more of it.
00:30:19
Speaker
You've already invested so much just in giving this one man a chance to take you out to dinner.
00:30:24
Speaker
So, I mean, we really have to think about this from a perspective of your time is so brief on this earth.
00:30:30
Speaker
Why are you so willing to just give it away indiscriminately?
00:30:34
Speaker
Yep.
00:30:34
Speaker
And also, like I said, like once you set the precedent for them to take you on these walk dates or these coffee dates or these drink dates or whatever, you have now put the bar so low that anything above that will seem like a lot.
00:30:47
Speaker
Because it doesn't encourage them to woo you, you know, what you've told him is that the bar for access to you is very low.
00:30:53
Speaker
And he has to put very little effort to keep you on the hook.
00:30:56
Speaker
And again, don't assume that just because he's doing this walk date with you or whatever, that he's like loyal.
00:31:01
Speaker
He's like, we have walked the walk of life together.
00:31:04
Speaker
And so I shall, you know, this is not promenading.
00:31:06
Speaker
You know, this is not the Victorian era.
00:31:08
Speaker
You're not in Bridgerton.
00:31:10
Speaker
Like...
00:31:11
Speaker
This is such a good point.
00:31:13
Speaker
Actually, you just reminded me about this.
00:31:14
Speaker
Like there was a stitch on a YouTube video I was watching yesterday.
00:31:17
Speaker
And this woman was talking about her now ex-husband.
00:31:20
Speaker
And she was saying, you know, how you start is how they need to go on.
00:31:24
Speaker
And so she was talking about how in like their early courtship, he'd give to her this ring, this super cheap,
00:31:30
Speaker
easily burnished ring that she didn't even like, but she said she didn't want to be ungrateful, right?
00:31:36
Speaker
She didn't want to be rude.
00:31:37
Speaker
And so she was very warm and praised him and thanked him profusely.
00:31:42
Speaker
And she said, I could not have made a worse decision because throughout our entire relationship,
00:31:48
Speaker
He would only ever buy me things that were thrifted secondhand.
00:31:51
Speaker
And she said, and I like thrifting.
00:31:53
Speaker
It's one of my hobbies.
00:31:54
Speaker
But when he always would buy himself the brand new top of the line, and I would only ever be gifted when he could scavenge, that just goes to show his entire mentality towards that relationship and towards her.
00:32:07
Speaker
Again, like talking about the gold diggers, these men are not begrudging these women, you know, dining experiences at Michelin star restaurants.
00:32:16
Speaker
They are not denying them, you know, the trips on yachts and flying out to Monte Carlo.
00:32:21
Speaker
They are happy.
00:32:22
Speaker
They're excited because they know that is part of them proving their own aptitude in the natural order of mate selection.
00:32:30
Speaker
Also, I mean, I would say that for a truly honorable person,
00:32:34
Speaker
There is some value in and of itself to be able to provide that kind of high standard of living and experiences for the person that they're spending time with.
00:32:41
Speaker
They derive joy and pleasure.
00:32:43
Speaker
And again, it reaffirms their own masculinity to be able to say that I'm able to do this for another woman.
00:32:49
Speaker
Like I remember seeing this little, you know, like those guys who are like on TikTok or reels or whatever, who like go up to random men and like basically try to get them to shit talk their own wives and stuff.
00:32:58
Speaker
Yeah, they say, how much did you spend on the engagement ring?
00:33:00
Speaker
You do remember who, like, there was like one where they asked like this woman, they asked this guy, like, how much do you spend?
00:33:05
Speaker
They were Indian.
00:33:06
Speaker
It was an Indian couple, like an Indian American couple.
00:33:08
Speaker
No, no, no.
00:33:09
Speaker
This one was not an Indian American couple.
00:33:10
Speaker
This one was, I think she was Latina and I think he was also Latina.
00:33:14
Speaker
I don't know.
00:33:15
Speaker
I don't know.
00:33:16
Speaker
I don't know if he was a Latino or not, but I remember she was Latina.
00:33:18
Speaker
And she had a beautiful ring.
00:33:19
Speaker
And like this guy asked him like, oh, how much do you spend and stuff?
00:33:23
Speaker
And like, he's like, very honestly said what he spent.
00:33:25
Speaker
And he was like, oh, like, what is she doing?
00:33:27
Speaker
Like, what are you doing?
00:33:28
Speaker
And like, what are you bringing to the table?
00:33:29
Speaker
And like, he didn't even let her answer.
00:33:31
Speaker
He was like, she brings a lot of things to my life that are of value.
00:33:35
Speaker
And, you know, like, it's because she brings that much value to me that to me, giving her this is nothing.
00:33:40
Speaker
This is like what she deserves and more, you know, and he's like, if those men want to, you know, like, I think every man should do what he can, like, based on obviously his income, like, if you're a $3,000 earning guy, don't like spend a $30,000 rate, right?
00:33:54
Speaker
Obviously, common sense, because you can't afford that.
00:33:56
Speaker
But like everybody should be within their limit.
00:33:58
Speaker
But if you're if you if it's your prerogative to like give the least that you can, that sounds like a you problem.
00:34:02
Speaker
That's like a mental illness or something.
00:34:04
Speaker
Right?
00:34:05
Speaker
I could do it.
00:34:05
Speaker
So I did, you know, and I was like laughing so hard because he was just not letting him like belittle her and ridicule her and he wasn't putting her in the position of having to justify and defend her relationship.
00:34:15
Speaker
And he straight up cut in and he was just like, nah, you know, what you're not going to do is play with my wife.
00:34:20
Speaker
Okay.
00:34:20
Speaker
What you're not going to do is like insult her and say that she doesn't bring value to my life.
00:34:25
Speaker
She obviously does.
00:34:26
Speaker
Next to him, she was standing next to him, just like smiling serenely, just like she didn't have to do anything.
00:34:31
Speaker
She just had to exist.
00:34:32
Speaker
And this man was like, this is my lady.
00:34:34
Speaker
You have no clue.
00:34:36
Speaker
She had that like nice look of pride where she was like, yep, that's right.
00:34:39
Speaker
That's my man.
00:34:39
Speaker
And I was like, you know what?
00:34:40
Speaker
It's one of the few situations where I'm like, good for you, girl.
00:34:42
Speaker
Good for you.
00:34:43
Speaker
Yes, yes.
00:34:44
Speaker
I was so happy to see that.
00:34:45
Speaker
And I was like, Rose, Rose, you need to start finding.
00:34:50
Speaker
So ladies, if you do want to watch all these like examples or you want to be engaging, instead of doom scrolling, be actively seeking out
00:34:58
Speaker
These examples of what is right and what is good and just for you.
00:35:04
Speaker
I mean, I don't know about you, Diana, but like I enlivened by gifting.
00:35:08
Speaker
I live to gift.
00:35:09
Speaker
I love to gift.
00:35:10
Speaker
Like year round, I'm planning and I'm plotting and I'm scheming and I'm searching because I want just the right gift for just the right person.
00:35:17
Speaker
You know, if I love you, like there are no ends to the earth to which I'll go to just bring a smile to your face, you know, to just warm your heart.
00:35:25
Speaker
That warms my heart.
00:35:26
Speaker
Why wouldn't we want that for ourselves?
00:35:29
Speaker
I mean, I have an ongoing competition with my friend about who's the better gift giver.
00:35:32
Speaker
And like, since she's not here, since she isn't here to defend herself, I'm obviously the better one because she can't speak for herself here.
00:35:40
Speaker
So I'm taking advantage of the situation to say that I am a much better gift giver than she is.
00:35:46
Speaker
She can at me later, but you've got the mic now, Diana.
00:35:52
Speaker
Yeah, exactly.
00:35:53
Speaker
What can she do?
00:35:54
Speaker
But, you know, I pay attention to people and, you know, I pay attention to them because I like, this is for me, like something I really find fun, like finding the thing that I know will
00:36:03
Speaker
make them happy.
00:36:04
Speaker
And like, I look at their hobbies and their interests.
00:36:05
Speaker
And like, I'll try to find something that's very special to them.
00:36:09
Speaker
And even when I travel and stuff, even in like small ways, you know, I'll always buy postcards and souvenirs and things like that trinkets and stuff like back from my trips or my friends and stuff.
00:36:17
Speaker
You know, I was raised with a father who was like, you know, never walk over someone's threshold without having a gift in your hand.
00:36:22
Speaker
So like, like those are just basic manners, you know?
00:36:24
Speaker
So like when I get a dinner invitation or something, like I always bring like flowers or wine or cheese or something, you know, it's just weird not to bring anything.
00:36:32
Speaker
Literally anything.
00:36:33
Speaker
Yeah.
00:36:34
Speaker
Even now, like I completely disregard the rule for people who say, don't bring me anything for my birthday.
00:36:38
Speaker
Like I'll bring it to them either before or after so that I kind of violate the rule because I'm like, well, you said don't bring anything on your birthday.
00:36:44
Speaker
So before or after, like, you know, you didn't say shit about that.
00:36:47
Speaker
So like, I'm very specific about, you know, like I care about this stuff.
00:36:50
Speaker
And so, you know, for me, gift giving is just a massively underappreciated form of displaying love.
00:36:56
Speaker
And I think a lot of people have just equated it to materialism.
00:36:59
Speaker
But when done right, I think it can be truly the sweetest and most wholesome thing that you can do for somebody else.
00:37:05
Speaker
make gift giving great again okay exactly at this very essence it's the acknowledgement of like you observing something at the very essence of it is the acknowledgement of somebody else right like you have observed them and you have given them something that is so personal to them and you're acknowledging
00:37:20
Speaker
your relationship with them and I feel like a lot of men don't like or they do see it but like they only see it the one way in which it's like the girl is buying him like a ps4 or something like that you know what I mean like that's why like I mean even with some of the men that I've met like the kinds of gifts that they give their wife is so impersonal it's like oh they read it from like some book in the 80s or something where it's like buy her chocolate and flowers and a teddy bear and she'll be happy and like if you brought me that shit I'd be like mm
00:37:44
Speaker
It's not very personal.
00:37:45
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:37:45
Speaker
Like, it's not that I will turn it down, but this is something that you should be doing weekly.
00:37:49
Speaker
And like, where's my birthday gift and like my other shit, you know what I mean?
00:37:52
Speaker
Like, I'm annoyed when people forget this kind of stuff.
00:37:55
Speaker
Absolutely.
00:37:56
Speaker
I never feel more appreciated and seen than when somebody gets me a gift that is truly geared towards me.
00:38:03
Speaker
And actually, there's a French anthropologist from the mid-20th century, Marcel Mauss.
00:38:07
Speaker
He wrote an entire treatise on this called The Gift, which
00:38:10
Speaker
And it's actually a pretty easy read, especially for an anthropologist having written it.
00:38:13
Speaker
But he talks about, you know, indigenous communities and how basically it is a system of debts and obligations, but not debts in the negative sense.
00:38:24
Speaker
Debts in the sense that I am indebted to you for your kindness and your generosity, your thoughtfulness.
00:38:29
Speaker
And this means that there has to be a continuation of this relationship.
00:38:33
Speaker
This ensures an ongoing relationship because I now have to reciprocate.
00:38:39
Speaker
it's almost like a banking note.
00:38:40
Speaker
Like I'm giving this to you now because I want to make sure you continue to be in my life because I value you and I treasure you.
00:38:47
Speaker
And so here's a material manifestation of that wish and that hope and of good faith.
00:38:53
Speaker
This is how entire societies have run for millennia.
00:38:56
Speaker
Well, I understand why gifting got a bad rap because whenever women want to get gifts, somehow like
00:39:01
Speaker
Well, you know, how can you expect him to remember your birthday?
00:39:03
Speaker
It only comes once a year on the same date.
00:39:06
Speaker
Same with anniversaries.
00:39:07
Speaker
It's because women who expect gifts have been taught that we're somehow craven or crass, when actually it is just simply common sense.
00:39:15
Speaker
If you love someone, you want to show them that you are grateful for them, that you...
00:39:20
Speaker
take joy in their presence in your life.
00:39:23
Speaker
And you want to demonstrate that.
00:39:24
Speaker
How can you not?
00:39:25
Speaker
And it's this idea of like, oh, you're a greedy, materialistic goblin.
00:39:30
Speaker
You know, you're an ungrateful, greedy goblin who just wants more.
00:39:34
Speaker
And it's like, fundamentally, like anything that men say, just understand it's all projection.
00:39:38
Speaker
Okay?
00:39:39
Speaker
Because there are greedier goblins that you will give your whole life and soul to a man and he will still demand more.
00:39:43
Speaker
He will be like, why not all of your souls, all of your nine lives, give all that shit to me.
00:39:47
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:39:47
Speaker
Like, again, I don't feel any guilt.
00:39:49
Speaker
for making my expectations clear.
00:39:52
Speaker
And if you're not able to meet them, that's fine.
00:39:53
Speaker
I will find someone who will.
00:39:54
Speaker
But like, I'm not going to be, you know, bullied by a man who has zero standards for love in his family.
Self-Worth and Personal Growth
00:40:00
Speaker
Because at the end of the day, like these are the same men who expect you to keep track of his mom's birthday and his like family's outings and like
00:40:07
Speaker
their festivals or you know what i mean like like he's the one who expects you to like kind of unify the bonds between yourself and his family like to make sure that he's still an active member yep i know a lot of women who are like they're buying the gifts for like the nephews and the nieces but they are writing letters on all of those you know they're writing little post notes on those little things saying oh it's love from uncle jack and uncle jenny and it's like uncle jack doesn't even know there's a gift coming out to you you know what i mean uncle jack is just a jackass like he's not doing shit
00:40:37
Speaker
Do not give credit where it is not due.
00:40:39
Speaker
And so also, again, flip that around.
00:40:42
Speaker
Do give credit where it is due.
00:40:44
Speaker
Where is credit due?
00:40:45
Speaker
Probably you.
00:40:46
Speaker
Okay?
00:40:47
Speaker
If anything, it's long overdue.
00:40:49
Speaker
It's an overdue debt that you are owed.
00:40:51
Speaker
And this is something, you know, like Diana was saying, it's not simply among romantic relationships.
00:40:56
Speaker
In fact, amongst my own family, I have great acclaim and fame as a great gift giver.
00:41:02
Speaker
And do you know what that's gotten me in return?
00:41:04
Speaker
Abso-fucking-lutely nothing.
00:41:06
Speaker
Nothing.
00:41:08
Speaker
They all love getting the gifts from me.
00:41:09
Speaker
They all love getting, you know, the ships packaged and things like that, or packages shipped to them from me, filled with all sorts of delightful goodies.
00:41:16
Speaker
But, like, I'm lucky if I even get a text of thank you.
00:41:19
Speaker
At this point, I've actually, because of FDS, thank you, FDS, I've actually started to pull back and reassess everything.
00:41:27
Speaker
Who is actually worthy of being gifted all these things?
00:41:30
Speaker
And more and more, I'm deciding it's me.
00:41:32
Speaker
I am me, myself, and I, I'm really taking to starting to just like, do I really want to buy this?
00:41:38
Speaker
I'll never forget my mom when I used to travel.
00:41:39
Speaker
And I like you, Diana, whenever I travel, I come back with postcards and trinkets and chess keys and everything.
00:41:45
Speaker
I still have gifts from my early twenties.
00:41:49
Speaker
I gifted her when I first started to travel.
00:41:50
Speaker
Then when she passed, you know, I just, they reverted to me.
00:41:53
Speaker
But I remember I'd come home and I would have a whole suitcase filled with gifts and I'd be like, and this, I wanted to show her because they were so neat.
00:42:00
Speaker
And this is for so-and-so and this is for so-and-so and la-la-la-la-la-la.
00:42:04
Speaker
And she'd say, oh, what's for you?
00:42:06
Speaker
And I would say, oh, well, ah, I don't know.
00:42:10
Speaker
She's like, we'll never forget.
00:42:12
Speaker
to keep a couple of things for yourself.
00:42:14
Speaker
And honestly, that was a real mind shift for me.
00:42:18
Speaker
I had never actually thought about that.
00:42:19
Speaker
She's like, you're going to cherish these more than anyone else ever could, because they come with the memories and the time that you spent picking them out, talking to the vendor.
00:42:28
Speaker
Never forget to gift yourself first is what she said.
00:42:32
Speaker
And part of it is, you know, when we're talking about cultivating ruthless standards, I think
00:42:36
Speaker
A lot of women feel uncomfortable also having that hard boundary because they're not used to receiving those things for themselves.
00:42:43
Speaker
So like if you came from a position where you always did walk dates and coffee dates and you'd never received gifts from your partner or you never received flowers and things like that, it can feel almost unnatural to expect that or even demand it from someone, you know?
00:42:57
Speaker
And I think a way to kind of get over that is to actually, weirdly enough, start sending flowers and shit to yourself.
00:43:04
Speaker
I was just going to say, start wooing yourself.
00:43:07
Speaker
Start wooing yourself.
00:43:08
Speaker
Yeah, we got to put the woo back and wooing for ourselves.
00:43:10
Speaker
I'm always like an advocate of the little treat.
00:43:13
Speaker
I'm like, I deserve a little treat.
00:43:14
Speaker
It's a girl treat.
00:43:15
Speaker
You know, like I work so hard little treat.
00:43:17
Speaker
And my whole life is a series of little treats.
00:43:19
Speaker
And like, I remember one time I was asked out by this, like, this was like back in my pick me phase.
00:43:24
Speaker
But I was asked out by this Uber Eats driver or something.
00:43:26
Speaker
And like, I was in a phase of like, you know, oh, the apps are not working for me.
00:43:30
Speaker
Let me just like go out spontaneously and stuff.
00:43:32
Speaker
And he was like, good looking.
00:43:33
Speaker
So it was so many red flags.
00:43:35
Speaker
Oh my God, one after another, like he lied about his age.
00:43:38
Speaker
He had like two kids, like,
00:43:40
Speaker
All sorts.
00:43:40
Speaker
He just acted crazy the whole time through.
00:43:43
Speaker
And I mean, thankfully, I only ever went out on like the one date with him.
00:43:45
Speaker
But like that one date was enough to like, it was like a sobering reality into why I need to have more standards than just like say yes to, you know, whoever's out on the street.
00:43:53
Speaker
But I remember he brought me like flowers and stuff.
00:43:55
Speaker
And he's like, you probably never get flowers like this.
00:43:57
Speaker
And that was when I realized I was like, Oh, yeah, this guy actually thinks really low of me.
00:44:02
Speaker
Because again, he's just a guy who asked a random woman out on the street.
00:44:06
Speaker
And he thinks my standards and my boundaries are so low that like, I'm not used to getting any kind of good treatment for men.
00:44:12
Speaker
So like, like that's the only circumstance in which I would settle for like no one.
00:44:16
Speaker
Right.
00:44:16
Speaker
And because I don't know my worth, he can say this like weirdly naggy shit of like, Oh, you've probably never had someone who bring you flowers.
00:44:21
Speaker
No, nobody's ever done this for you and stuff.
00:44:23
Speaker
And I was like,
00:44:24
Speaker
which is untrue because people had and like people have you know but he happened to catch me on a day when like when he came to like pick me up or whatever like he happened to catch me on the day when like i had bought so i used to buy flowers to like i used to go visit this grave of like this old hollywood actress that i really liked who passed away decades ago like this was like during covid so i used to go and check her grave and make sure that there weren't any dead flowers then i'd pick out the dead flowers that's so beautiful diana
00:44:49
Speaker
Yeah, yeah.
00:44:50
Speaker
I mean, more than anything, just because like, I just lost my like grandmother at the time.
00:44:53
Speaker
So like, because I was like, you know, countries away from her, there was no like proper way for me to grieve her.
00:44:57
Speaker
So like, this was kind of like a way to do that, because my grandmother happened to be a huge fan of this particular actress.
00:45:04
Speaker
So it was kind of like, you know, by honoring her, I felt like I was honoring my grandmother.
00:45:07
Speaker
So I actually became really good friends with the gardeners at the cemetery where I used to go and like do little cleanups.
00:45:13
Speaker
And they used to give me flowers like all the time to like take that because they would like, you know, get these flowers.
00:45:17
Speaker
They'd be like, oh, here, like we have so many here.
00:45:18
Speaker
You can take some.
00:45:19
Speaker
So that day that he came back to visit me, there was like a huge bouquet of flowers sitting in my house.
00:45:24
Speaker
And so when he came and being like, oh, you probably never see those flowers.
00:45:26
Speaker
And his like piddly little rose, like little thing was like.
00:45:31
Speaker
Like two flowers.
00:45:32
Speaker
Yeah.
00:45:33
Speaker
Like I'll just set this right next to my ginormous bouquet.
00:45:36
Speaker
Yeah.
00:45:40
Speaker
What a great illustration!
00:45:41
Speaker
What a great illustration though!
00:45:43
Speaker
He didn't know what to say, but I was laughing the whole way through because I knew in his brain, he probably thought I got it from some guy.
00:45:48
Speaker
But it was just because I was doing this little cleanup work and I befriended the gardener's that they were like, oh, this sweet woman comes by and they just gave it to me.
00:45:55
Speaker
But again, even if you just mail those out to yourself, honestly, I'm telling you, it works like a charm because it does actually cheer you up to see that kind of beauty in your house on a regular basis.
00:46:05
Speaker
But besides that, you have to start getting used to treating yourself well so that when somebody else comes along and treats you well, it's not so foreign.
00:46:12
Speaker
It doesn't feel
00:46:13
Speaker
I think a lot of women self-sabotage as well, because I think when they experience something that's good, like their immediate things to shut down or try to find flaws in it.
00:46:21
Speaker
And like, you know, when you're not used to good treatment, you try to find excuses for like why this is a sham.
00:46:26
Speaker
And sometimes it is right.
00:46:27
Speaker
So you have to keep an eye out for like when it's a sham and when like your body's reacting gift of fear style.
00:46:32
Speaker
But sometimes I think a lot of women react to like, I'm so used to being treated poorly.
00:46:36
Speaker
And like, that's why they end up going back to relationships where they're continuously being treated poorly, because that level of dysfunction and that dysregulation of the nervous system feels normal in a way that, you know, when you're treated well, there's like a level of calm and peace and just general contentment that is so abnormal and confusing to a person who is just used to dysfunction that it's very easy to like be suspicious of it just because you're not used to it.
00:47:01
Speaker
So it's very important that you cultivate that kind of room for yourself to do that for yourself every day, where you're looking after yourself and treating yourself like, you know, in the highest version of yourself, like you're doing for you what other people can't.
00:47:13
Speaker
So that when good people come along and they treat you the same way you treat yourself, it's not so weird.
00:47:18
Speaker
It's not strange.
00:47:19
Speaker
Absolutely.
00:47:20
Speaker
Absolutely.
00:47:21
Speaker
And you're right that, you know, what you were brought up with is what feels normal.
00:47:25
Speaker
I'll never forget my therapist getting frustrated with me.
00:47:28
Speaker
Now, if you don't, I've had a fantastic therapist for many years now.
00:47:31
Speaker
I've been so fortunate.
00:47:32
Speaker
And she's an older lady who, you know, is a Southern genteel lady who is absolutely ruthless, who has had a wonderful life.
00:47:41
Speaker
And she's been a fantastic therapist.
00:47:43
Speaker
But you know, if a therapist gets frustrated with you, it's because you're really frustrating.
00:47:48
Speaker
And all this is to say, she would get so frustrated with me because I would keep going back to my home.
00:47:54
Speaker
She called me Cinderella.
00:47:55
Speaker
She's like, oh, are you going to go do your Cinderella work?
00:47:58
Speaker
Yes, absolutely.
00:47:59
Speaker
I was scrubbing floors.
00:48:00
Speaker
I was buying gifts.
00:48:01
Speaker
I was chauffeuring.
00:48:01
Speaker
I was cooking.
00:48:02
Speaker
I was exhausting myself.
00:48:04
Speaker
I was losing out on money and financial opportunities and professional advancement.
00:48:08
Speaker
Because, you know, I had to go back and perform my designated function within the family unit, within the dysfunctional family that I'm from.
00:48:16
Speaker
And I'll never forget her joy when I finally started to say, like, I don't think I'm going to go home anymore.
00:48:22
Speaker
Or I'm going to go home but only for two nights.
00:48:24
Speaker
And that means they're not going to be able to, like, you know...
00:48:27
Speaker
corral me into doing all these major projects that need to be done.
00:48:30
Speaker
Oh, the garage needs to be reorganized or like, we've got to go up to the attic and get all this done.
00:48:35
Speaker
And so I would make my trips much shorter or I wouldn't go at all.
00:48:38
Speaker
And she was so proud of me when I finally started to turn that corner.
00:48:43
Speaker
And again, it's been a long process of re-educating myself, of like de-schooling so that I can re-school myself because, you know, my absolute inclination is to be miserable.
00:48:56
Speaker
and unhappy because that's how I was brought up.
00:48:59
Speaker
That was my function as the youngest girl daughter, as the youngest girl child, I was there to serve.
00:49:05
Speaker
And it has been a very, very long process for me to start to let go of that and to embrace the fact that like, yes, I am here to serve.
00:49:12
Speaker
my own damn self.
00:49:14
Speaker
And it's ongoing, right?
00:49:17
Speaker
It's ongoing.
00:49:18
Speaker
But what I tell you, one thing that my therapist has always said is she's like, Rose, look at how people treat you here in the life that you've, she's like, people gift you things, manna from heaven.
00:49:27
Speaker
She's like, I've never seen manna fall from heaven.
00:49:29
Speaker
Like it does for you never in my entire life.
00:49:32
Speaker
And she's like, doesn't this show you the kind of person you are?
00:49:35
Speaker
The only people who treat you poorly are your own family members.
00:49:40
Speaker
So you have to start disbelieving what they would have you believe.
00:49:42
Speaker
And I think that is exactly what we as women need to start understanding.
00:49:46
Speaker
We need to start disbelieving what men would have us believe.
00:49:50
Speaker
And we need to start believing again in ourselves as whole individuals in and of ourselves.
00:49:55
Speaker
And also the fact that we can woo our own damn self.
00:49:57
Speaker
If they want to come along and outdo us, they're welcome to.
00:50:01
Speaker
Yeah.
00:50:01
Speaker
And I think you really have to believe in your own divine purpose.
00:50:04
Speaker
You know, like I believe my divine purpose is that I was put on this planet to humble men.
00:50:09
Speaker
And so I think I do a really, really good job.
00:50:12
Speaker
Like I, you know, anytime I'm difficult with them and like I'm a straight up villain in their lives, I'm like, I am following God's path.
00:50:18
Speaker
Like God has sent me here to humble them.
00:50:22
Speaker
And I'm doing it so well.
00:50:25
Speaker
I'm so proud of you.
00:50:27
Speaker
I'm so proud of you.
00:50:29
Speaker
I'm so proud of me.
00:50:30
Speaker
Like I just do it so well.
00:50:32
Speaker
Didn't Ashi say this last week?
00:50:33
Speaker
What were her final thoughts when we asked her?
00:50:35
Speaker
She was like, start understanding that you are the prize.
00:50:38
Speaker
You are the reason for life on earth.
00:50:40
Speaker
Yeah.
00:50:41
Speaker
And I mean, if you look at the wild, you will see that like the women there, like they are humble, you know, they are a humble in force.
00:50:48
Speaker
Like the female species is a humble in.
00:50:52
Speaker
Yeah.
00:50:53
Speaker
Have you heard of there's like an old poem by Rudyard Kipling, where he talks about the female of the species seeing as we're wrapping up, do you want me to share that little poem with you?
00:51:03
Speaker
I would love that.
00:51:04
Speaker
Please.
00:51:05
Speaker
Yeah.
00:51:06
Speaker
I mean, I'm not a huge fan of Frederick Kipling, but this is one of the few poems where I'm like, you know what?
00:51:11
Speaker
Okay, we forgive him for this.
00:51:12
Speaker
Right?
00:51:14
Speaker
Yes, please.
00:51:16
Speaker
So this is the poem.
00:51:17
Speaker
He says,
00:51:43
Speaker
When the early Jesuit fathers preached to Hurons and Choctaws, Choctaws, they prayed to be delivered from the vengeance of the squaws.
00:51:50
Speaker
Twas the woman, not the warriors, turned those stark enthusiasts pale, for the female of the species is more deadly than the male.
00:51:57
Speaker
Man's timid heart is bursting with the things he must not say, for the woman that God gave him isn't his to give away.
00:52:03
Speaker
But when Hunter meets with husbands, each confirms the other's tale.
00:52:06
Speaker
The female of the species is more deadly than the male.
00:52:09
Speaker
Man, a bear in most relations, warm and savage otherwise.
00:52:13
Speaker
Man propounds negotiations, man accepts the compromise.
00:52:16
Speaker
Very rarely will he squarely push the logic of a fact to its ultimate conclusion in unmitigated act.
00:52:22
Speaker
fear or foolishness impels him ere he lay the wicked low to concede some form of trial even to his fiercest foe worth obscene diverts his anger doubt and pity oft perplex him in dealing with an issue to the scandal of the sex
00:52:35
Speaker
The woman that God gave him, every fiber of her frame, proves her launched for one sole issue, armed and engine for the same.
00:52:42
Speaker
And to serve that single issue, lest the generations fail, the female of the species must be deadlier than the male.
00:52:48
Speaker
She who faces death by torture for each life beneath her breast, may not deal in doubt or pity, must not swerve for fact or jest.
00:52:55
Speaker
These be purely male diversions, not in these her honor dwells.
00:52:59
Speaker
she the other law we live by is that law and nothing else she can bring no more to living than the powers that make her great as the mother of the infant and the mistress of the mate but when babe and man are lacking and she strides and change to claim her right is feminine barren her equipment is the same
00:53:14
Speaker
So it came that man the coward when he gathers to confer.
00:53:17
Speaker
I've cut down some of it because there's a lot.
00:53:19
Speaker
With his fellow braves in council, dare not leave a place for her.
00:53:23
Speaker
War with life and conscience, he uplifts his erring hands to some god of abstract justice which no woman understands.
00:53:28
Speaker
And man knows it, knows moreover that the woman that God gave him must command but may not govern, shall enthrall but not enslave him.
00:53:35
Speaker
And she knows because she warns him and her instincts never fail.
00:53:38
Speaker
that the female of her species is more deadly than the male.
00:53:41
Speaker
And this is written by men in 1911, okay?
00:53:43
Speaker
So men know.
00:53:44
Speaker
Yeah, men know.
00:53:46
Speaker
And to that we say, scrotes?
00:53:48
Speaker
Die mad.
00:53:48
Speaker
Die mad.