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Name Changes: Healing or Harmful?
21 Plays18 days ago
Adoption often brings new beginnings—but what happens when those beginnings include a new name? Jackie and Aixa have an honest discussion about identity, healing, family belonging, and the spiritual significance of being “called by name.” This conversation offers encouragement for families navigating adoption and reminds us that our truest identity is ultimately found in God.
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Transcript
Introduction to Episode
00:00:02
Speaker
We all have a story, and at times we feel we're walking it out alone. Let's pause and think. Join us for honest conversations about adoption and parenting as we lament, encourage, give hope, and explore our true identity and worth in Christ.
Meet Jackie & Aisha
00:00:23
Speaker
Welcome to another episode of Pause and Think, where Jackie Darby and Aisha Garcia, we sit together as adoptive team mom and daughter.
00:00:35
Speaker
We're not related. She is an adoptive daughter. I'm an adoptive mom. And we have our angles and our interest in insights, different cultures.
00:00:46
Speaker
And so we are going to talk about something that is quite I don't know if controversial is ah is ah is the word, but really interesting interesting.
00:00:59
Speaker
a very varied um rule type of discussion that we need to have. And it's so central and important in adoption stories.
The Significance of Names in Adoption
00:01:09
Speaker
And that's the name. And should we change the name? Is it beneficial? Is it biblical? Is it loving or not? So we're going to dive into that. And so welcome.
00:01:21
Speaker
Hi, Jackie. How are you? Hi, Aisha. I'm doing great. And here we are in our own office spaces. But we're both in Guatemala. ah So thank God for modern technology that we can do this and have a conversation and record our podcasts. And so, yes, you're absolutely right.
00:01:43
Speaker
We have encountered the whole name change subject a lot, whether from the parental side or from adoptee side. And there's no right or wrong answer.
00:01:59
Speaker
It's just a very interesting topic. But... Yeah, and it seems like you it's hit or miss, and you just don't know. you just don't know because children grow up, and they have different experiences, and they feel differently about their origin.
00:02:19
Speaker
and so you really never know as a parent. the the I think... um the most The most that you can do is be be mindful and be ready to either response in your child.
00:02:35
Speaker
um So maybe I can start off by telling you our experience. Our adoptive daughters came when they were six and a half and nine and a half. So they were and older.
00:02:48
Speaker
quote unquote. um And they've already started, they had already started to write their names. And of course, a nine-year-old was way into, you know, elementary.
00:02:59
Speaker
And so their name was just such a huge part of who they already were. At the time, i personally felt like removing or changing the name would be abrupt and like too invasive.
00:03:15
Speaker
And so I felt like they needed to keep their name in order to have some sort of continuity. ah But we decided to change the second name.
00:03:29
Speaker
And so they share a second name like me. I'm Aisha Alejandra. And so they both share. you know, grab the Alejandra and we, we gave both of them Alejandra, which now like I look back and and think that's silly. I should have given a a different middle name, but anyways, ah um dad thought it was a good idea.
00:03:57
Speaker
And so for one of my daughters, it's a non-issue. It's like, whatever. Like, what's my new name? What's my new last name? What's my new name? Is that my uncle? Is that my aunt? Okay, cool. And she was like, let's dive into this new identity. And it's fine.
00:04:12
Speaker
In that aspect. And then my other daughter, she has had quite a process with her name. And I honestly don't think it's over.
00:04:24
Speaker
i think um it's going to take a lot of processing for her because it's a very vital part of her understanding of how life started for her.
Biblical Insights on Names and Identity
00:04:36
Speaker
So I think it's personality. I think it's the experience of how you understand your adoption story and your story, your life story, and what attach what meaning you attach to your name.
00:04:51
Speaker
Because let's get this straight. It's very, very important. Like the Bible says that the Lord is our good shepherd and he calls us by name. That means it's something very heavy and very important.
00:05:06
Speaker
And so to be called by name is special. It's deep and it's something that brings attachment to who you belong. Right. um And so I do think it's very important.
00:05:19
Speaker
Now, when when, you know, like parents that are looking into adoption or in the final stages of bringing their their child home, they ask about this.
00:05:32
Speaker
I honestly say, you know what, it's up to you guys. Be ready for either reaction. And I would go for the name change because...
00:05:44
Speaker
It's a new chapter. It's a new story. and you mentioned before taping, at Jackie, about the pattern in Scripture. And even in the in the in the end of our story, we are told in in Revelation that there's a stone, there's just a small little stone with our new name. We're not even going to keep this one.
00:06:05
Speaker
When we arrive home, he's going to call us by our name and we're going to know what name it is because it's between him and and us. Isn't that beautiful? And then we go through a name change again. so it's a pattern.
00:06:19
Speaker
Yeah, i love that. And you know like you referred to scripture, you know in Proverbs 22, 1, it says that a good name is more desirable than great riches. So our names are so important. And i remember we were just in Mexico together, and you even shared um about one of your daughters when she was able to wear that jersey because she loves soccer with her new last name. Last name.
00:06:49
Speaker
That just like made her day. She was so proud of her name. Like she felt our name brings belonging yes into the family. And so it is so important. And like you were saying, you know, even with your two daughters, that each child is different.
00:07:07
Speaker
Exactly. Very different. And you know Even with biological kids, we can laugh and say, oh my goodness, they came from the same parents. like They're so polar opposites. You know, that can be even even in a biological family. So the whole name change thing, um it's really how God leads you as parents. And
Cultural and Emotional Perspectives on Name Changes
00:07:31
Speaker
there's no right or wrong.
00:07:33
Speaker
But like you said, just be prepared either way for different responses. But I just think that's life. We all respond differently because we are created differently. And, you know, the name change can bring different reactions. But I know in my situation, my personal story, I was adopted when I was just eight months old. So clearly there was no opinion from me. But my mom received the phone call the day President um John F. Kennedy was assassinated.
00:08:09
Speaker
And his wife's name is Jacqueline. Oh, right. Yeah. Yeah. So my mom loved that name. And they named me Jacqueline.
00:08:22
Speaker
I always liked my name. I was not one of the kids who you know tried tried thinking of a new name in junior high. i i always I always accepted my name. I liked my name. I never had an issue with my name. And you know it does our new name adoption does bring belonging which belonging is our identity into the new family that God gave us. So for me personally, I've never had an issue with my name, but show, we know that in hearing so many different stories and we even have a few stories, um, of some of, um, our guests who've been on our past podcasts that have brought up the name change. yeah And, um,
00:09:17
Speaker
how it's affected them. One of our guests, um Cassette, she even mentioned how difficult it was when she got married, leaving, giving up her maiden name, because that was so special to her, her her parents adoptive parents' last name, that it was just it was so special to her and so significant that- It was very hard when she had to change her license, change social so security, just change everything, you know, legally. it was really hard letting go because that name was so special to her. Yeah, um absolutely. i think it carries a different weight when you don't have that kind of story.
00:10:03
Speaker
Name change doesn't mean the same because it it just carries another weight of identity. um And I really am thinking about the different situations in different countries. I just came back from a conference in Peru and somebody said that it's illegal in certain countries to change the child's name.
00:10:26
Speaker
Because you block the possibility of a biological family and siblings and stuff to find the child later on in life. So that
Spiritual Insights and Self-Identity
00:10:37
Speaker
leads me to think, like, our motives as parents to change the names.
00:10:44
Speaker
I think we need to be careful to say this is who you are to us. We love having you. You are ours. This blessing of a new name means protection, means you're not alone, means you're you're forever in our family tree.
00:11:03
Speaker
And not let's erase who you were, you know, where you come from. We don't want that part of your story. Like you have to be really clear to the child, even when it's legal to change the name completely, to make it clear to them and to and to be able to be a healing agent them.
00:11:24
Speaker
You know, for the child to come to terms with the with their past and say, this is part of who you are. This is not all of your story, but it is part of your story and you shouldn't be ashamed of it, even if you if your new name doesn't match your origin story.
00:11:42
Speaker
yeah we we We should aim at a new name more on the like you know in the light of welcome and this is you know forever.
00:11:54
Speaker
Instead of this is horrible, your origin is horrible, be ashamed of it. like We need to be really clear on what basis you want to do a ah name change, not to erase part of the child.
00:12:08
Speaker
Yeah, that's such a great point. And I think the whole um idea of name change, and like you said, not erasing the origin, but everything that an adoptive parent does, I feel should always, the the main purpose should always be for restoration and healing for that child. So whether you change the name or not, um every adoptive child that I'm aware of has their legal
00:12:42
Speaker
form of document of when they were adopted. And on that document, that child had a name. Like I got like a John Doe orphanage name. Okay. So my name, because that you know it was like the Smith of Korea. yeah um So I'm very thankful my mom and dad didn't leave my orphanage name because to me, that name was just like number. Signifies.
00:13:09
Speaker
ah yeah For me, it was just a number like, oh, my, because I had my my little paper, like my identification number with that made up name. And like, I always kind of joke and say that was my mugshot photo from the orphanage.
00:13:24
Speaker
But I'm thankful that my name got changed. But on the other hand, my daughter-in-law, um her parents left part of her name into her new adoptive name. And she also was grateful. So two separate stories, but two separate reactions. But the point is that not to erase the origin. And if you did fully change the child's name, you still have that document.
00:13:54
Speaker
And if the child wants to see, well, what was my name? And, you know, whether they kept part of it or not, they can at least go back and see that's who I was. and this is who I am now. And that's not a bad thing. You know, so if you're an adopted child listening and your parents totally changed your name, you yeah That's okay. And that's biblical because God brought name changes to certain people in the Bible, but it was good. it wasn't like a punishment or a denying of some something horrible, but it signified something positive. And so you know i think...
00:14:40
Speaker
um I'm not an adoptive parent. I helped foster a bunch of kids, but not, I never fully did an adoption, but talking from the adoptive child side, um um I just see both sides of it.
00:14:55
Speaker
Exactly. ah And I have met a ah number of parents that receive their children from, except for example, from Christian homes. They've taken care of the babies in such a loving way.
00:15:11
Speaker
And they've given them biblical names. And a lot of these parents fall in love with the whole child, including the name. So they carry that name from the orphanage onto their new family because they love the name and what it means.
00:15:27
Speaker
And I think that's very special. I think that's another way of seeing God's care in these children's stories. in the sense that it is an orphanage name, but it's ah it's a name that was chosen with a level of care and it's not a John Doe. So it's, I think that has ah a nuance um and, and a different kind of feel for the child.
00:15:54
Speaker
um And so You know, my suggestion to add to the name is something that could be useful because then the child can choose whether using the old name or the new name. And so you have that flexibility. it's just a practical tip that I i can put out there and and say, you know, this is an option.
00:16:17
Speaker
and And, you know, truly, i think of cases where ah kids go through really hard identity crisis that go further down um a different path. And I i think of...
00:16:33
Speaker
even like to the extreme of people who transition in their sexual identity and stuff. And you are starting to hear about testimonies of the transitioners and they go through the whole identity, like they change their body and they change their name.
00:16:52
Speaker
And the Lord brings them back and they start to love the original design and their name and their family. And so your kid can go through a whole process.
00:17:04
Speaker
And what we pray for and what we or really want is for our children not to carry our name right or for them to love their name.
00:17:15
Speaker
It's for them to to go under the name that's above all names. And we want them and their identity to be secure in who Jesus made them to be. And so it's not like some parents are so nervous to to hit or miss. like we're gonna Like we're going to traumatize the kid further. and we're Listen, you can hit or miss, but what your prayer needs to be is, is this child going to be closer to surrender to Jesus while he or she's, but you know, in our care.
Parental Guidance on Name Decisions
00:17:53
Speaker
And, and that's just as far as you can go. And the Lord can bring them back to the, to him, they himself, because he's faithful. And I think that's the bottom line. Like you can't,
00:18:07
Speaker
do um what the child would have chosen or not. But ultimately, we're parents. We're going to mess up. but but Yeah, there's not there's not any perfect um decision regarding this name change. And exactly what you said, our heart and passion is that anybody who's listening, child, adult, that ultimately our identity and worth is in...
00:18:37
Speaker
the name of our heavenly father and when we here on earth when we come into that relationship with our heavenly father our name changes we become child of god we became we we become redeemed those are the names that only can come through our heavenly father and without that relationship and belonging to him we don't carry that name he wants us to be his son or his daughter. And that only comes through um that name only comes through our intimate relationship with him. Just like in our earthly adoption, we bring that new name
00:19:21
Speaker
into our lives as adopted kids when we become in into part of that family, that intimate relationship of being part of the family we're adopted into. And names are so, so important. But if you're a parent listening, you know we hope that this relieves you of, oh my gosh, I got to make the perfect decision. you
Closing Remarks and Call to Action
00:19:46
Speaker
know, I've heard kids who aren't adopted, who've struggled and or didn't like their name, you know, so it's not just about adoptive kids. um There's, there's biological kids who are like, why did you name me that? You know, didn't like it. um And, and I've known cases of just
00:20:08
Speaker
biological children who got names, but they'll use the second name as their first name because maybe they were named after their grandfather, but they don't really like that name. So they they are called the second name. And so it is tricky, but It's a very, um like you said, not controversial, but interesting subject. yeah And it was just a subject that we felt like needed to be talked about.
00:20:35
Speaker
And if you as a parent or a child are struggling in this area, hopefully we've encouraged you and just opened up this conversation. That's what Paws and Think is all about, to have real and honest conversations um about these types of subjects.
00:20:54
Speaker
Amen. Yes. We love to hear your stories. We love to get in contact with new friends. And so go to our website, whosami.org, and you can, you know, check out everything that we have on there. And there's a little space for you to share your story if you can, if you want to.
00:21:16
Speaker
um And let's get in touch. So thank you for listening to another episode of Pause and Think. And we'll see you next time. Thanks for joining us for this episode of Pause and Think.
00:21:29
Speaker
For more resources and information, go to whosami.org.