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Episode 73 - ADHD Regrets: The Pain of a Late Diagnosis and What Could Have Been
53 Plays5 months ago
Paul and Martin (ex-mayors of ADHDville) now look back over their lives. If you've ever looked back at your life after an ADHD diagnosis and thought, 'What could have been?' - this episode is for you. We're diving into the regrets of a late diagnosis, the what-ifs, and the moments that make you wonder how things might have been different. Let's get into it.
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Put quill to paper and send us an email at: ADHDville@gmail.com
ADHD/Focus music from Martin (AKA Thinking Fish)
Theme music was written by Freddie Philips and played by Martin West. All other music by Martin West.
Please remember: This is an entertainment podcast about ADHD and does not substitute for individualized advice from qualified health professionals.
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Transcript
Introduction and Setting the Context
00:00:00
Speaker
and Back the room. Back in the room. And I think we're a little bit tired. I think we're a little bit tired. Yeah. Yeah, it's been a long day. Yeah, we record in the, like, well, at what time?
00:00:18
Speaker
used to like, mid-afternoon my time, and then, like, nine o'clock, ten o'clock your time. Now we it's now it's late. It's like, oh, almost almost eight o'clock in my time in the evening.
00:00:32
Speaker
It's been a long, long day.
Exploring Late ADHD Diagnoses
00:00:35
Speaker
This episode is for those late diagnosed ADHDers slash LDHDers.
00:00:45
Speaker
um Yes. Who... who Since they've had or since we have had our late diagnosis, we kind of look back on our long, long, very, very long lives and kind of my God, i um have regrets. What if?
00:01:09
Speaker
What if? What if? foot if Exactly. Is it natural? Is it right? Is it not right? Is it a bit of a contentious little beast? It is. yeah Regrets, I've had a few, but then again, too few to So even Frankie the Sinatra, you know, who they reflected.
00:01:33
Speaker
Yep, he did reflect. All right. So let's go to a place where the distractions are landmarks and the detours are the main roads. Welcome to ADHDville.
00:01:48
Speaker
I don't have my teeth. Don't look at the rocks that I've got. Just any from the plop. Don't look at the rocks that I've got.
00:02:05
Speaker
The rocks, don't look at them at all. I'm just Jenny from the blog. I don't have my tea. I've just realised I don't have my green tea and I feel lost. I feel lost.
00:02:18
Speaker
umm I'm not going to stop this episode just because I don't have my green tea, but... yeah I don't have anything either. hu Hello, I'm Paul Thompson and I was diagnosed with the combined ADHD and the D just over a year ago, bit more than... And I regret to tell you that I'm Martin West and I was diagnosed with a combined ADHD poo-poo platter in 2013. So I was very late. I was like, what, mid-30s or something?
00:02:45
Speaker
No, mid-40s. for s yeah So yeah, I was mid to late fifty s So, you know, so we're just two mates who, by coincidence or not, after 39 years of friendship, discovered there were co-ADHDers.
00:03:01
Speaker
Now, it's really, really important to say this is an entertainment podcast about adult ADHD and does not substitute for individualized advice from health professionals.
00:03:12
Speaker
So don't take any advice from him. Or me.
00:03:19
Speaker
We're just here as a kind of all-inclusive ADHD park bench. Imagine that little picture. With room for everyone, including your doppelgangers. Yep. Your alter egos, even them.
00:03:30
Speaker
you're all Your body doubles. Don't leave those out. Your chaperonis and even your best buddies. Got to invite those. ah Both of them. um Still here, congratulations. You've already won a special loyalty badge.
00:03:45
Speaker
grab So grab your jetpacks, your pedalos, your space hoppers, and any other transportation methods, and let us take you to a ADHD. And imagine we tell that we've created Enomites,
00:03:59
Speaker
where we like to explore different parts of the A, the D, the H, and the D again.
00:04:06
Speaker
Boy, want you start off as we do now in the ah in the pub, in the tavern of ADHDville, the ah king's attentive head.
00:04:19
Speaker
um this Where we, the ex-mayors of ADHDville, take care of business and have it and have a drink. Yes. um I will have a pint of hustlers' limp arm.
00:04:34
Speaker
Okay, okay. I'm going to have a pint of Baby Sham. Oh, Baby Sham? I'll have a Baby Sham. You know what? I'll have a Baby Sham.
00:04:46
Speaker
I was just hearkening back to a Baby Sham advert from the 90s. Was that a Baby Sham advert? I don't even remember. Yes, maybe there is basically a but Baby Sham advert where some...
00:05:01
Speaker
cool guy goes up to the bar and says i'll have a i'll have a baby sham and then the cool guy next to him goes i'll have a baby sham like cool guy influences the entire you can almost imagine and michael k going up to the bar i'll have a baby sham
00:05:23
Speaker
I like a baby sham.
00:05:27
Speaker
I had it when I was about maybe 19, 20,
ADHD and Alcohol: Regrets and Reflections
00:05:32
Speaker
something. I think I had one at a party. Okay. Okay. I don't remember anything about it, to be honest. Genius. Isn't it? It's a baby version of champagne. Baby sham. Genius.
00:05:43
Speaker
Right. It literally was a baby baby so baby-sized bottle of champagne. so it's just milk. Baby sham. It's champagne for babies. It's just yellow milk. Shit champagne.
00:05:54
Speaker
It's like the French always say, if it wasn't good enough for them to drink, they'd send it over the to to England for us to drink because we didn't we didn't care what we were drinking. Probably right. Yeah.
00:06:06
Speaker
Well, I do regret. So we if we talk about regrets, then sure. um' I'm um um' umm going to say ah definitely regret
00:06:19
Speaker
getting, you know, like alcohol, alcohol, alcohol, drinks, you know, because, you know, like, because ah with with a ADHD, you have quite a lot of addictive behavior.
00:06:31
Speaker
Well, and also having alcohol to kind of like make yourself yes loose enough to kind of feel sociable.
00:06:41
Speaker
like could to Make adjustments. make adjustments in polite company and in polite company. Yeah. Yeah, just loosen up the seams a bit. Right. And I definitely regret taking that too far several times.
00:06:57
Speaker
Do you? I do. ah Actually, my father's um wedding, um he, as far as I know, he went to France. Like in England, we do that.
00:07:10
Speaker
Or we did that. i don't know if they still do. They used to drive her to France and and like load the car up with cheap booze and then come back on the ferry. Mm-hmm. And I think my father went to France and got some very cheap champagne.
00:07:23
Speaker
and I tucked into the champagne. like you tucked in like a champion. Like a champion. And oh, my God, I think it was very bad.
00:07:35
Speaker
I do like champagne, though. Oh, my God. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. Love it. I like it a lot. I don't tend to like the wines. could drink it, endless champagne, but I get into terrible hangovers from it. Right. right um Yeah, I think um I've got two too drunk. I mean, like, it's always, ah ah don't really forget the times I got hammered when I'm out with my friends, but but as you say, when you're at a family thing and your parents are there and and then you get absolutely wasted and you're like, oh, that's... Because those those stories, they they always follow you around, you know? They always bring it up.
00:08:24
Speaker
yeah Family things, like that time when you... but but but When they found you on the pavement or in the grass outside, heaving your gas up, like it will always come up. We'll never go away. i've done that as well.
00:08:38
Speaker
I've done that as well in London. And I got stopped by the police. They came out. Right. Anyway, but I i can get a real, I can get champagne is different from other booze. I can get a high off champagne.
00:08:52
Speaker
Yeah. And I could have a fleeting moment where I'm just, you know, off my, off my, ah out of my mind. Nice. ah ah ah and And in case anyone's wondering, Paul is a good drunk.
00:09:08
Speaker
It's not like, um you know, how how some people are angry. They get really dark and, Oh, that's nice to know. And then there are other people who are just happy and funny and and just kind of like, you know, they're kind of good good drunk people to be around. yeah Yeah. I'm very friendly when I'm drunk.
00:09:33
Speaker
Yeah. Yes, you go and talk to anyone. Yes, anything. Anything. Like plant. If you've got any nice house plants, I'll go and talk to them.
00:09:45
Speaker
Right. Yeah, I think I'm a fairly chatty, fine drunk. I've never seen you, like, um drunk, hammered. I've never seen hammered. No, no, no. Well, because I think i think that's the slightly autistic side of me doesn't like being out out of control.
00:10:05
Speaker
So I don't that drunk that often. so it's but don get that drunk that often Well, I don't get out of control ever. Even with drugs, alcohol, I never lose control, ever.
00:10:21
Speaker
I've never lost it. But I lose control and I like it, like it. um You know, it doesn't, you know, I've never, you know, friends and people I've known have been, mean you know, had gone out of their minds on, I don't know, whatever.
00:10:38
Speaker
I've never, I've never lost it at all. But they say that about drugs, don't they? And alcohol with people with ADHD. It's generally, it's like more, has more of a correcting of, yeah.
00:10:54
Speaker
Oh, yes. Son of energy. It's not lost on me that the meds I take are actually, you know, amphetamines. It's basically speed.
00:11:05
Speaker
so yeah there are So any drug that is like that, it actually just it it just just kind of like... Yeah, it balances you It makes you normal.
Impact of Undiagnosed ADHD on Relationships
00:11:15
Speaker
Yeah, ah totally.
00:11:19
Speaker
oh Totally. Totally. how i mean well it's been It's a lot of people said there's been some research on it even. It's not just us. It's not just like, you know. It's not just anecdotal. No.
00:11:31
Speaker
It's not just anecdotal. That's a good way of putting it. Not just anecdotal. No. yeah all right so who's going to kick kick off with at least something well yes and with what with with some content you mean yeah you know that thing we call content the regrets this has been kind of on the cards for an episode for a while okay and um yeah right at the top of this episode we were talking about it being it is a bit of a contentious piece because there's a lot of people that say we shouldn't have regrets oh come on oh come on so this is just my point of view like everything else with the podcast just my point of view is Martin's or or combined or whatever Martin might disagree with me
00:12:23
Speaker
Yeah, I think it's a complete load of shit that you don't have regrets. Bullshit. I think it's a complete nonsense. And then we should. It's actually healthy.
00:12:34
Speaker
It's healthy to have regrets. Completely normal. There you go. Right. Anyway, come back for next next week's episode. It's about the intro. I regret. Outro. Yes.
00:12:49
Speaker
but yeah hit hit Hit that outro button. ah Hit the outro. What do you think, Martin? ah ge Are you what on a like, you know, regrets have a few yeah i have a few um yeah no i say i think that yeah because i mean if yeah i think there's there is a difference between regrets and then sort of if you pile on sort of um sort shame, blame and shame or shame yeah onto that, then that starts to pile up into a thing that you don't necessarily need.
00:13:30
Speaker
um Because I think that's one, I think if if I'm going to kick off with the, one of the biggest things and and you probably a lot of people will kind of feel this way is that they look back on their life after they've had an ADHD diagnosis and they kind of go,
00:13:50
Speaker
Oh, God, like I thought that all of these things I did were kind of a part of a character flaw in me. You know, they were, I had a bad personality. It was, know, it's, it's um you know that that that I was just a weak, crappy person.
00:14:11
Speaker
um Yeah. and and And then you get. And impacted others. Oh, yeah. And then you get a diagnosis and you go, OK, right. Well, i so I'm still responsible for all the choices and the things that happened.
00:14:25
Speaker
But now at least I kind of i understand it better. and yeah And that does take away some of that guilt and shame. It's like, oh, you know, I've i've had trouble with with the relationships and all that kind of thing because, oh, I see now because I have ADHD and that was a physical thing. And and I just didn't know. Yeah.
00:14:50
Speaker
Yeah, totally. Which I guess takes us up to the first thing of like not knowing, right? I mean, that like that's the, you know, of all that stuff of so much...
00:15:03
Speaker
time wasted or whatever it is in that period of oh i just didn't know you know yeah i could blame yourself know that kind of thing remember when i first read a book about narcissism and it just i was read it i think god i wish i'd read this before I could have, you know, could have been, I could have dealt with a few things a lot easier if I'd like, oh, it's got a freaking name, you know.
00:15:33
Speaker
In our case, you know. Yeah. Oh, okay. And it's a predictable thing. Oh, I see. Yeah. Yeah. But unlike so narcissism, narcissism you can't fix.
00:15:48
Speaker
Not really. I've not heard any. mean, I've heard there's some experts and she actually, the one I'm thinking of, she really is an expert. She's very, very good.
00:16:02
Speaker
She said, you know, well she she has actually got clients. She's a psychologist. She has got clients who are self-confessed narcissists. And she said, you know, um it's hard to fix someone, even if they are capable of admitting that they are narcissists. And you can find these people on them ah no YouTube.
00:16:22
Speaker
Narcissists who talk about themselves being narcissists. I suspect if you if you can't fix ADHD, then you can't really fix autism. You can't really fix not a narcissism either.
00:16:35
Speaker
It's just some people are are more aware, I guess, and try and cope. cope Yeah, with that. but we're ah quite We are quite hardwired to be, you know, to have ADHD and certain traits of um autism.
00:16:54
Speaker
um and And I think there's a certain part, certain joy, especially very late diagnosed like we are. There's a certain joy in accepting a lot of the stuff and getting a lot of peace from that.
00:17:08
Speaker
you know, mi i mean I've never found, I've never heard anyone convince me why we shouldn't have, why we shouldn't have regrets. Never, never, never convincing reason.
00:17:22
Speaker
But actually I looked this up and actually there's some quite convincing reasons why we should have regrets. Because if you don't have regrets, it generally could, it should it could demonstrate that the, that this, the person has a lack of reflection and, glu lack of reflection and growth or denial of accountability ah or they've just simply not been able to ah reflect on their on on on these kind of things that could miss opportunities for change.
00:17:56
Speaker
They could be superficially optimistic, um emotionally disconnected, ah or even potential for self-delusion. You know, all of these things like start to like thinking, okay, there's more, you know, if you put it on the scale of, you know, for or against, I can see personally that this is healthier to have regrets.
00:18:19
Speaker
Yeah, I mean, most of my, fact, I would say almost all of my regrets are probably the impact it has. my unknown undiagnosed ADHD, the impact it had on on others, right?
00:18:35
Speaker
So you've got, you know, failed, failed and marriages, um and then that impacts kind of kids and your partners and all of that. actually You know, and I mean, like that that's where I have regrets. this It's not small things like, oh you know, i i regret...
00:18:57
Speaker
um not put you know I regret ignoring the the the petrol, the gas thing on my car saying that I was about to run out of gas and then I ended up on the side of the road and I had to phone up for a car place to kind of tow me. or you like Those small things, yeah i have no... Those things, they're just...
00:19:24
Speaker
It's just life, you know, you just go through those. But, yeah, it's the impact on others. long as they're not, you know, before my diagnosis, you know, as long as as so as long as the the regrets aren't, you know, don't evolve into, like, crippling self-criticism or shame spiralling.
00:19:43
Speaker
And they're actually, you know, the regrets are, you know, mature reflection, you know, and responsible, you know, taking ownership in some way of, of you know, how things have gone in the past.
00:19:57
Speaker
Then that's okay, I think. On the next one, I have, um I could have achieved so much more. So, and and I don't quite how to feel about
Work, Hyperfocus, and Personal Life Balance
00:20:11
Speaker
that. Always what I do because, you know, in a way, it's not workwise career-wise because ah really hyperfosed on work So my career has been awesome.
00:20:29
Speaker
But at the expense of. you know, the relationships and living life and going to the theatre and drinking baby sham.
00:20:43
Speaker
You know, all all yes all of the, you know, like...
00:20:47
Speaker
um And also, I guess that that touches on like time but but blindness. yeah like if i knew ah If I knew I was time blind earlier, you know that could have saved me so much freaking aggro.
00:21:03
Speaker
you know like Because we both have quite deadline-orientated jobs, right? a you know A job comes in and we've got a week or two or three and we've got to hit the deadlines and then we procrastinate and then we get, I know I don't know about me, I get really annoyed that I procrastinate because at the ah at the last minute I have to pull a rabbit out of a hat, right? have to kind like exert superhuman effort to kind of get the work done. and um And it's like four o'clock in the morning. I'm like, what why am I doing this to myself?
00:21:37
Speaker
And I thought that ah there was something wrong with me, you know, like, because I spent years doing that. What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me? but actually So, oh, I know now. i would Okay, well, then now I know. At least even if I do it, I don't feel quite so bad because that's my a ADHD.
00:21:56
Speaker
Or I can kind of try and get ahead of myself a bit. Yeah. or Or even for me, it was like, you know, if I had, i don't know, if I had, I don't know, sometimes I i really like, i sometimes if I'm in a high street or something near a shop and I suddenly get this ridiculous urge to buy, you know, like luxury socks or something.
00:22:23
Speaker
I'm out of control. It's out of by the time I've kind of realized what's happened, I've already come out the shop with a shopping bag and a pair of 300-pound socks, you know. how much How much have you ever spent on socks, Paul?
00:22:41
Speaker
just Oh, no, never. no But I have. Oh, God. What's the most I've spent on something? Something stupid. I mean, while you're thinking of that, right,
00:22:53
Speaker
ah I have a belt that I spent $70 on about 15 years ago, right? Which for me felt like stupid money, right? Right.
00:23:06
Speaker
Yeah. And I was like, this because I could get a normal belt, totally fine for about $10, $15, but no, $70, right? fifteen bucks but no seventy bucks So and and I felt so bad that I'd spent 70 bucks on a belt.
00:23:19
Speaker
I was like, I'm going to wear this freaking belt every day. Right. I'm just going to get the wear out. And I still wear it. And in fact, yes, I'm wearing it now. I'm wearing it now. Wow. Hang on. I can get up to the camera.
00:23:34
Speaker
Hang on. I'm just going to grab the camera. Do you have to? Feel free not to. oh Yeah, no, I'm just... There we go. Oh, right. Nice. Okay.
00:23:46
Speaker
a little bit I was showing a little bit too much skin there. I've always had never too much of your skin, Martin.
00:23:56
Speaker
I've always had a penchant for like quality quality things. i In fact, I've just moved my son to Germany last week. Okay. And I swear to God, I've got a toaster.
00:24:08
Speaker
It's mark called Duelit. It's like industrial kind of toaster. I bought it 30 years ago. ah toaster. Still bagging out toast like a champion.
00:24:20
Speaker
Banging out the toast like it's going out of fashion. And let's face it, and toast will never go out of fashion. Toast will never go out of fashion.
00:24:31
Speaker
I'm going to predict that. You heard it here first. All right. Well, there we go. That should have been the future of ADHD. I did once spend, I spent three grand on banging all of sudden speakers.
00:24:44
Speaker
Ooh. Yeah. Where are they now? Where are they Downstairs in the kitchen. Oh, you still have them? Propping up the table. No.
00:24:57
Speaker
Oh, no, they're they're magnificent. I mean, they're just a total, I mean, aesthetically beautiful. The sound is amazing. But, I mean, completely ridiculous. Now, you know, i look at them, you know, I've just got, like, i don't know, ah load of bills coming in and I'm, like, really up to my ah eyeballs in bills to pay stuff. And looking at those speakers and, blimey, I could just, like, pay off all my bills with just that one thing, you know.
00:25:28
Speaker
God, did I really have to? Yeah. I think clothing-wise, the most I've spent was, i think I spent about £250, no, euros, on shirt. pounds ah no euros on a shirt one shirt 250 that's spicy spicy spicy i'm just yeah i'm just i did some research yes i did some research there's a lady talking about request there's a lady uh pretty um amazing out there lady called bronnie bronnie wear
00:26:03
Speaker
She was a nurse in um an Australian nursing home. Okay. Hospice kind of environment. Okay.
Reflections on Life, Regrets, and Philosophy
00:26:11
Speaker
And um she used to look after the the the dying, you know, the last days. Okay.
00:26:18
Speaker
like um and Okay. It's not more, this is not a morbid conversation because the way she talks about it's all pretty mind-blowing stuff and really inspiring kind of stuff. she Years ago, she started doing a blog.
00:26:31
Speaker
Then the blog turned into a book. It's now a multi-million ah seller. Okay. And it's so the book is called Top Five Regrets of the Dying, right? yeah. And it sold millions and millions of copies.
00:26:44
Speaker
And, like, I'll just go through top. These the top ones, right? Okay. Of the dying. All right. You ready? I'm in. Strap yourself in, every everyone. Let's go. Hang on. I'll tell
00:26:59
Speaker
Okay, really I wish I had the courage to just be myself. Well, that feels applicable. yeah Hang on, hang on. Let's just kind of like, banoes all i think that I think that this is a good list. And I think we should just bang through it. think we should just yeah all right take it at pace.
00:27:16
Speaker
Because I think that that one is is quite applicable to us. Yeah. Right. I mean, i could I don't think I could be the authentic Paul before my diagnosis.
00:27:29
Speaker
Right. I don't think I could. No. I tried. No, because, ah right, yeah and I think that that even if you self-diagnose, it has the same effect, I feel, which is like it's it paves a road for you to kind of to start to explore yourself and kind of go, oh, yeah.
00:27:51
Speaker
Oh, this is how I work. Oh, I see. Oh, this is who I am. Oh, okay. As things start to make sense. I don't think I've, because I've, I've personally, I've worked on it.
00:28:02
Speaker
I worked it really hard with psychologists and stuff in the last 12 years, like started 12 years with the the basic question in my mind, real simple question, Paul, who the fuck are you?
00:28:14
Speaker
Right? Right. And I started at ground zero. I had a big crash, blah, blah, blah. And I spent the next few years with with counseling and stuff like that. And I got pretty far. I did pretty good job, if i ah you know if I'm kind to myself.
00:28:30
Speaker
But... the diagnosis, ADHD diagnosis a year and a half ago um it's it blows all of that out. the It didn't cancel of or any of the work that I did.
00:28:43
Speaker
it just meant that when I did get the ADHD diagnosis, I was more ready for it for sure. And just like, you know, um it gave me spadefuls of like, you know, helping in terms of helping myself know who I am.
00:29:01
Speaker
Yeah, absolutely. All right. I think let's go to the next one. Next one. I wish I'd spent more time with the people I love.
00:29:12
Speaker
Yeah, I think that um think that touches on something that I just said, that I hyper-focused on work and less time on those people that I love it and are around me. Yeah, no, for sure.
00:29:28
Speaker
so that was So I i will tick that one. I wish I had made more um made spirituality more of a priority. Yeah.
00:29:40
Speaker
Ooh. Ooh. Spirituality. I mean, I'm not a God person. Yeah. But I think that there is something, I mean, like, I'm not going to be supernatural, but but there is like a sort of a general life philosophy.
00:29:59
Speaker
I do like the kind of Taoist. um Yes. Buddhist. There is something about the human... Yeah, this human spirit, there is a lot, thank God, there's a hell of a lot that can't be explained about the human spirit.
00:30:15
Speaker
Yeah, ah think i think there's I think there is definitely even there is one step beyond like just your everyday living experience. And then there's the overlay of like you find out you have ADHD and then you overlay that onto it as an explanation. I think you can then overlay that with with ah another kind of deeper philosophical experience.
00:30:39
Speaker
yeah kind of layer whether that's the Taoism or Buddhism or whatever you like but but but but but i I feel like like like that can kind of also help yeah as well I I've never got into it but I can hidden there's certain elements that the basic principles of buddhism i can i personally relate to or even like there's like some ancient rituals spiritual rituals of uh the a um ancient native of um north american indians you know they basic stuff like if they took something from tree like a berry and they ate it like a piece of fruit they'll look at the ground and look for a seed and plant it
00:31:24
Speaker
You know, he's like really beautiful kind of, I mean, the Native American Indians, their spirituality was, I think, mind-blowing a lot of it, you know?
00:31:35
Speaker
yeah Based on respect. ah Totally based on respect. Definitely live better people. Yeah. Number four, ah wish had spen I spent, wish I hadn't spent so much time working.
00:31:52
Speaker
who Yeah. This one was actually, um if you're familiar with Gabor Maté, which um I personally really like. He has some strange views about ADHD, but that's okay.
00:32:06
Speaker
We can have differences opinion. ah I find him a really inspiring ah man, actually. He said he has ADHD. He said to he worked very, very, very hard, and he wished he hadn't worked quite so much.
00:32:21
Speaker
um yeah I think I use sometimes work as ah as ah as a convenient distraction from dealing with life you know people family you know looking my myself as ah as a loving partner and you know right a convenient distraction sometimes i just find that work gives me sort of gives me dopamine and and i'll i'll just chase that chase that yeah i mean well for me work was my only source of of um self-esteem yeah for me
00:33:02
Speaker
Now, I mean, that is, if there's, I was talking to my wife about this ah the other day, if there's any, if there's one thing that has been going on over over the last five years, it's it's been me having a crisis about who I am. Mm-hmm.
00:33:21
Speaker
since I am not my job anymore so yes um you know I was a creative I still am a creative director but that became my whole identity and then then COVID happened and I lost my job and I didn't do any work and it was like who am I who am I yeah who am I Yeah.
00:33:46
Speaker
And then it's actually very common with men, especially, you know, men are not good at nurturing friendship and they come
Midlife Crises and Work-Life Balance
00:33:54
Speaker
out the other end. You know, midlife crisis ah is often about what is actually related to hormones as well another um physological and physiological things that happens when we get old.
00:34:05
Speaker
But and also a realization that like you get like your mid late 40s or early fifty s It's like, oh, is this it? You know, not nurtured any friendship, any friendship. You've kind of not really nurtured, you know, relationship with your brothers or your sisters. Yeah.
00:34:25
Speaker
or with your mum, or your dad, or your cousins, or whatever, or uncles. um You've not done quite as much as you could have done maybe even with your own kids, your with your wife, or your partner.
00:34:38
Speaker
you think that's the only thing that really freaking matters in the end. Yeah, yeah I mean, ah for me, my work does matter.
00:34:49
Speaker
So it's it's never been something that doesn't matter. But in proportion, please, Mr. West, in proportion, like it shouldn't be everything. it can be It can be a part of it.
00:35:01
Speaker
And that's cool because, um but yeah, so it so these last couple years has just been me just kind of going, what the hell, who who am I? Just trying to work. Yeah, on myself and yes so and and it's not surprising that that many men when they that they they die ah after after writ after they retire you know like like it's such a common thing to retire and then a year or two down the line you're dead because their value is gone because yes
00:35:36
Speaker
Because if you wrap your if you wrap your identity in your job and you lose your job, then then everything goes out of the window. You just go into like a downward spiral.
00:35:48
Speaker
You only have to go back couple of generations. Like my granddad, the only thing he had to be good at was a mechanic and he put food on the table and that was it.
00:36:02
Speaker
That was all for him. That was No, there was no concept of parenthood. There was no concept of like, oh, are you good father? Are you good at this? No, I bring home the bacon, and that's good enough for him, you know?
00:36:16
Speaker
they didn't have to think about anything else, nothing. Even my father, to a certain extent, you know? Well, a big extent, I would say. So you only go back one generation. It's like all men had to be good at was that.
00:36:30
Speaker
But it was never enough. Neither for men or women You know, or they the men or their partners Or their family, it was never enough Right What's what's next on the list?
00:36:42
Speaker
Next Yes i learned I wish I'd learned to express Oh no, hang on I wish I had discovered my purpose earlier Contentious her i' sure Purpose of a purpose I'm not convinced about purpose. This is my personal opinion.
00:37:02
Speaker
I think purpose is a bit of a misnomer. I'm with you, Paul. I mean, ah that you know, like, you know, I could, you know, if you do have a life's purpose and that fucking anchors you and that's your North Star, then fair play to you.
00:37:19
Speaker
The meaning of life is this there is there's no meaning. It's 42. what was exactly What's the next one? Next one.
00:37:31
Speaker
ah wish I had learned to express my feelings more. ah Well, yeah, I mean, that's kind of us. Because you could say, right, well, people pleasing.
00:37:43
Speaker
Right, because you could say, I wish I turn told a lot more people to fuck off. Yes, there we go. That's the rub. Thank you, Paul. You've basically just kind of condensed it down to a little nugget list of what it really is.
00:38:02
Speaker
Right, because it's about boundary setting, right? in your lips and and And you don't, and you don't indeed because if you don't know you have ADHD, you you don't know that people just trample all over your boundaries and you let people treat you poorly and you're people pleasing.
00:38:18
Speaker
And it's just a nightmare. It's a nightmare. says It's a pop period of disasters. and by by the way, it that's not a one-way street. I think actually we have a perception that people want don't want to know what our true feelings are.
00:38:34
Speaker
Actually, I think it's often the case that the it's not even part of their it's not even their thinking, you know. I think there's some of my dearest friends are probably, I wish they'd had more courage to say to me, Paul, um you know, tell us what you're really thinking. Cause I think people go back to spirituality. They can tell if you're not being authentic, especially. Oh yeah, you can.
00:39:03
Speaker
Yeah, for sure. You know, if I worry, I still worry whether I'm, I'm, I don't, no not necessarily do I think that I'm authentic, but but do people think that I'm all authentic? Like I don't feel like I'm really that unauthentic.
00:39:23
Speaker
And I just kind of go, do people think that but I am being inauth inauthentic even when I'm trying to be authentic? Right, okay. I worry too much so sometimes. I feel I'm i'm over overthinking it.
00:39:39
Speaker
but I think I was extremely inauthentic um until my mid-40s. There you go. so Right.
00:39:49
Speaker
Yeah. Extremely. I think I was, right, I think I was, yes, yes, for sure. Yeah. No, for sure. interesting to say it out loud. The first first time I've said that out loud.
00:40:04
Speaker
Yeah, I think I was extremely inauthentic until my mid-40s. Yeah. Yeah. I think I was, I think it it all depended on on who i was with because I can,
00:40:17
Speaker
i can yeah definitely feel like with me and my friends and we're just goofing around i can ah i could be extremely authentic quite a lot of time but then i would feel like oh that's just a goofy side of me or something and then i have to be yeah all good and normal for my parents or or if i was you know at at work or something i'll feel like I feel like my authentic self was was just the goofball part that I, you know, was fine. It came out once a while, but I didn't think that was all me.
00:40:53
Speaker
I'm all that person. Yeah. oh wish been more of a goofball. That's my thing. ah I'm more of a goofball now than I ever was.
Life After ADHD Diagnosis: Changes and Choices
00:41:02
Speaker
Excellent. Nice.
00:41:05
Speaker
Talking of goofballs, I wish, because if you have some people don't know this, haven't listened to all our 70-odd podcasts, Martin and i once went to Cuba together.
00:41:18
Speaker
I would love to go back to Cuba post-diagnosis with you, Martin. We should do that before we pop our doodles. Anyway, next on the external list... How many more left?
00:41:33
Speaker
Oh, there's loads. So maybe some of them. ah go some I'll go through them and then tell me which but tell me when when you want to stop. Okay. I wish I hadn't spent so much time worrying about things that never happened. Oh, that's a big one.
00:41:47
Speaker
You see? They're all big ones. society I know. They're all going to be big, big ones. The regret of anxiety. Yeah. yeah funnily enough i wish ah one thing that's not on the list was like i wish i'd kept my house tidy ah fuck that that's not on the list weird no no so wish i'd spent let's spend wish i hadn't spent so much time worrying about things that never happened yeah shame spiraling um catastrophizing oh my god
00:42:21
Speaker
castta Catastrophizing Terrible, okay I wish I had taken more Risks I've been quite Risk I've taken quite a few risks but because It definitely feels like from I've been flying by the seat Of my pants For lot of I feel like it's Risks every day like I feel like I'm taking so many risks All the time It's like, oh, God, there goes Paul again, taking him some more risks.
00:42:55
Speaker
Right. Yeah, no, I'm not. I don't have that problem. But then i but then i will get I'm I'm on the big stuff.
00:43:06
Speaker
I'm quite hard to move. Like, so if it was like buying a house or. moving to another country or something and someone's going, look, we have to, you know, we've, you know, we, we can't keep paying rent. We have to kind of buy somewhere and then I'd be quite slow to get on board.
00:43:25
Speaker
Yeah. You know, like, so those big things, those big life changing things I'm quite hesitant on. I'm very hesitant on. Yeah. um So, yeah.
00:43:39
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. um I wish I had realised earlier that happiness is a choice. Happiness is a choice. It is it it is such a choice. word happiness I am going to shut the the the door to my bedroom because I can hear voices coming through.
00:43:59
Speaker
Yeah, it is.
00:44:05
Speaker
Happiness. Happiness. choice Next one. I wish I had loved more. Well, yes. i mean, that kind of goes down to... I wish I'd taken better care of myself. This is a good one.
00:44:22
Speaker
Better care of myself. Right, so if you'd had ADHD... The thing that you say, Martin, yeah. And you'd know... that you say at the end of every podcast, you say, take fucking care of yourself. Yeah, just fucking care yourself. And we mean it.
00:44:35
Speaker
Yeah. You know. So, right, because... yeah right, because I think that... This also is a thing that it kind of leads into, you know, like if you don't know you have ADHD, you have burnout, right?
00:44:47
Speaker
Because you're not looking after yourself. You need just like, you just go into complete meltdown modes and you don't understand why and you blame on yourself or other people or combination of both.
00:45:00
Speaker
and and yeah And you don't realize that it actually you need to take, you know, you you know you you need self-care.
Self-Care and Managing ADHD
00:45:09
Speaker
yeah self-care in order to kind of yeah no not fix ADHD, but kind of just make it make it a bit easier on yourself.
00:45:19
Speaker
Yeah. But self-care could also be um investing in a good psychologist. Yeah. Self-care could also be about making better choices about he people with whom you spend your life with.
00:45:35
Speaker
Wise words, Mr. T. Yeah. Yes, absolutely. um I'm loving all of those. Yeah. OK. I wish I'd make better sprouts. Oh, no.
00:45:48
Speaker
Hang on. I wish I had enough sprouts. I've got really good sprout recipe that I'm kind of doing at at the moment. which is... hate sprouts. fucking love sprouts.
00:46:00
Speaker
but If anyone anyone out there likes sprouts, I've got like an a f air fryer thing, and I cut the sprouts in half, and I cover them in olive oil, and then I like i get them all crispy in the air fryer, and then a bowl I i mix up um mayo and and to racha sauce that kind of ends up with kind of this pink spicy pink sauce and then you just roll that roll that in the in in that and it's just like yeah I'm having that tomorrow.
00:46:32
Speaker
Can I have ah tonight an alternative? Go on. um Pak Choi. Very, very, very lightly um toasted in sesame oil.
00:46:46
Speaker
End of. Yep. end of End of recipe. End of instructions. End of recipe. Very nice. But really literally, but like the pak choy, literally just tossed in and tossed out again.
00:46:59
Speaker
Lovely. um Spouses. I wish I had you said paid less attention to other people's expectations. It's kind of repeating another one, really. Yeah.
00:47:11
Speaker
I wish I'd quit my job and found something I really enjoyed doing. Right. I think if you have ADHD, right I think you either struggle to find ah job that you actually stick at because you just get bored and then just self-sabotage, you just leave. And so you kind of job hopping and you don't find something that you really like, or you're like me and you where you kind of go, I'm and I know what my career is because I get, yeah ah know because I actually get get get dopamine, I hyperfixate on and then I'm,
00:47:49
Speaker
I'm fine. But yeah this, I think, comes back to self-care again. You know, it's, you know, taking care of yourself also means, you know, nurturing and, you know, investing in the right job that's good for good for you, you know.
00:48:06
Speaker
i don't know what I would do I hadn't been a... I don't know. i think there's lots of jobs I would have loved to have done. Definitely. No problem.
00:48:17
Speaker
There's a lot of jobs that i wouldn't want to do.
Personal Fantasies and Skills
00:48:21
Speaker
There's a lot of jobs that I like the idea of doing, but I'll probably find quite boring if I was actually really doing it.
00:48:29
Speaker
Yeah. but Do you ever think of a profession out of nowhere? You think, oh, I think I'd be really good at that. Yeah, I just can't think of one off off of off offhand.
00:48:43
Speaker
I think I'd be quite a good police detective. Oh, right. Oh, wait ah right. in in Inspector Thompson of the yard. Yeah.
00:48:54
Speaker
You go around solving crimes on a Sunday night. Yeah, smoking a pipe. Right. right Yeah, like I've just got like really like intuition and and pattern recognition and blah, blah, blah.
00:49:12
Speaker
Obsessive. I might become suicidal. though because I wouldn't on reflection because I wouldn't be able to leave it ah in the office I would be obsessed you know if I had to find a serial killer I would be totally and utterly consumed by it but I'd get the bugger alright yeah well it a right yeah I wish that you had been out there yes protecting us all yes thank you Martin that's really nice of you
00:49:46
Speaker
I wish I'd stayed in touch with old friends. Martin, we're old friends. Don't call me friend. Almost 40 years. Almost 40 years. i've I've had this conversation with you before. We're not really friends. and um ah we i am hired. Hang on. no i remember now I'm hired by your dad to be your mate
00:50:12
Speaker
I think I refer back to and to an episode though that we did like ah long time
Friendship and Living in the Present
00:50:18
Speaker
ago now. I think I conveniently forgot it. where where Where I was like, yeah, yeah, your dad pays me every week to be your friend.
00:50:29
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah, nice. she's nice lyn she mother Thanks, Dad. At least you did something right. Yeah, exactly. Mr Thompson Senior. Yes.
00:50:42
Speaker
Well, at least you got paid, like, a lot. it's the it's the It's the only thing that keeps me going, carry on. But staying in touch with old friends. I think your your best friends, they they don't need looking after so much.
00:50:59
Speaker
ah This is very ADHD thing, isn't it? as also you don't you Generally, you mean I don't have hundreds and hundreds of mates at all.
00:51:10
Speaker
I have like like a handful You know, that um not only do I do, you know, take care of, especially now more than ever, but, um you know, just wanting to, you know.
00:51:28
Speaker
Mm-hmm.
00:51:31
Speaker
How many more? I think we'll just round it off. I wish I had spoken more my mind more. Okay, that repeats another one before that. I wish I hadn't spent so much time chasing the wrong things.
00:51:48
Speaker
I wish I had more children. Okay. Right, no. I wish I had thought about life's big question earlier. What? Yeah.
00:52:00
Speaker
yeah and Okay. All right. I wish I had traveled more. ah Yeah, that that's always a good one. I haven't seen Asia yet. Hello, Asia, if you're listening. right think yeah I'd like to travel. i want to I want to see Japan. I want to see Laos. I want to see Sri Lanka, Madagascar.
00:52:20
Speaker
Come on down.
00:52:23
Speaker
The price is right. I'm going to have to go and let Eddie in. So you say the next one. yeah You say that while I go and open the door. i I wish I had lived more in the moment.
00:52:40
Speaker
ah Okay. Okay, that's a good one. waiting for martin and eddie to make well i think the thing with adhd is is you're you either live in like because of time blindness that there is there is there is only two states of time there's there's now and then there's not now Yes. right so So like like dogs live now, right? that is the That is their only world. So i I feel like I spend most of my time living in now.
00:53:19
Speaker
And I don't actually spend enough time, you know, in the thinking down the future and what's going to come and, you know, future stuff.
00:53:30
Speaker
Yeah. Well, there's something to be said for like concentrating more on investing, I suppose, investing but the but personally, investing more time in the now, you know, looking after me in the now and not thinking about tomorrow, the day after, you know, things, you know, not thinking too much about, you know, will I be happy in a week's time? just like, okay.
00:53:56
Speaker
Yeah. I don't know. It's quite a skill that some people have. i It could also be ah I wish I could sort of be more present and and dep appreciate what is going on around me so because we do tend to catastrophize and we do tend to kind of like overthink right and we and we and we do get caught up in ourselves in it and less in stopping and app appreciating what's going on outside in the outside my window in the big room in the big room the last one
00:54:40
Speaker
All right. I wish I'd pursued more of my dreams. um Dreams. It's funny because I don't know about you, Paul, but every time someone says, oh, what are your dreams? or I don't have any dreams.
00:54:56
Speaker
I've never had any dreams. I've never gone. I dream of this thing in my life. Yeah. Never have done. past Pursue more of my dreams. No, I don't really go with that.
00:55:08
Speaker
I'm not that romantic.
00:55:12
Speaker
I mean, if you do have dreams and you know what they are and you want to go for them, go for them. Absolutely. yeah but so Generally, you know, well, yeah.
00:55:23
Speaker
No. Yeah. i'd like I'd like to hear the same list from a hospice that just had ADHD patients. I know. Setting that up for someone to do. Well, I think we've definitely picked out a a bunch then. And then the only thing I kind of...
00:55:39
Speaker
I would add on to all of these things about ri regrets is one, um well, one is I missed out on the authentic joy that I could have had if I was diagnosed earlier. So, you know, like how you were saying that, that it's only now that you feel like you're you, you're you authentic self and And when yeah ah amazing things do happen, you you definitely feel that as much more or authentic. You can be yeah more authentically happier.
00:56:18
Speaker
Yeah. The trouble is now it's it's like oozing out of my pores. Like, it's we've spoken about this before, I'm sure, you know, like, it's not just like over my after my diagnosis, you know, I'm just noticing it more.
00:56:35
Speaker
I'm noticing it more because it's oozing out of me more. You know, it's like they've taken the lid off it. Yes. You've got, you've got happy sweat off. Like it's like a massive freaking can of worms. My, my ADHD and like wriggling out all over the place and kind of rejoin it mostly.
00:56:58
Speaker
Yeah, because I think, yeah, because you end up going, right, well, I have to control some of these worms that have come out the can. But not all of them. The world's still quite ready. Yeah.
00:57:09
Speaker
Yeah. The world isn't quite ready for the wormless can. No, but I can let a bunch of these worms roam roam free, and that's totally fine. Yeah, to let them off the leash.
00:57:23
Speaker
I know. They're probably like that. Lots of little leashes on the worms. Right. Well, that seems like a great place to
00:57:34
Speaker
to leave that. give up um and ah know. And I think what we will do is is as theres a lucky little ah that as ah bookmarker is that we'll you'll get in the tractor um and we'll make a way up to the post post office.
Community Engagement and Future Guests
00:57:54
Speaker
Yes, let's do that. All right. Get in. There we go.
00:58:08
Speaker
All right. Two of the post office. Sounded particularly well-tuned this week, the engine. Well, I did spend a bit of time on it ah earlier on ten in in the week.
00:58:19
Speaker
ah new Yeah, I put in new spark plugs. Okay. That was the main thing there. um Yeah, we we ah yeah we so this is where you say...
00:58:33
Speaker
This where I say, your feedback is vital to us. We read all your comments. Not true at all. No, we do. ah We do, really. And we might read out yours on a future podcast, like this one from Shelley on the YouTubes.
00:58:47
Speaker
Yes. She said, yes. this Well, youd you tell you you read this one out, this but one out. did This one was about last week's episode. I think it was last week's episode, which is ah where we had a bit of ah a messy, unscripted podcast.
00:59:03
Speaker
episode and uh very messy yeah and she said this was a fine pot fury information and i and i and i think it was less to do with adhd information and more personal information i okay about uh about us and our lives and things going on in it the stupid lives mm-hmm Right.
00:59:31
Speaker
um Well, glad you liked it, Shelley. I think, you know, right we're quite and generally on our podcast, we're kind of like, you know, out there. i feel like we're out on the, you know, lying on us on the surgeon's table waiting to be flayed.
00:59:45
Speaker
Yeah, I know. and i I think that. I think in the whole year that we've done the podcast, I've only had someone correct me on like one on a TikTok post that I did because I wasn't talking about ADHD. I was talking more about about about autism.
01:00:08
Speaker
and i And I didn't make it clear that i was talking about autism and not ADHD. And their point was like, you're still're supposed to be ah an ADHD person. um centre of education or whatever it is they said and I said no you're quite right I should have said that this is more of an autistic thing rather than an ADHD thing but other than that Not a lot of bad stuff. But in the plus column, we're always happy to read Alexandra's
01:00:42
Speaker
comments on on you on on yeah on on YouTube. And what like that about her is that she clearly, she so she watches the episode and then writes the comments.
01:00:55
Speaker
As she goes, you end up with this kind of quite a nice long yes comment. She clearly takes her time, you know, which is really, really nice. nice I love that. I love that. Anyway, um and um and ah alex Alexander, we we have in in invited you on. so so Yes, we have.
01:01:17
Speaker
So, we're yeah. So our podcast is always open for you to jump in and say hello. Yes. As we have, we've got a couple of episodes coming up, by the way.
01:01:29
Speaker
So keep tuned. couple of episodes coming up with guests. Yes. we have We have to two guests. So we have ah Vanessa, who is also known as Wet Spaghetti on tick TikTok. So we' we've we've got her. um We'll be recording with her next week.
01:01:48
Speaker
then we've got And then we've got Jenny Lucas, who we were going to record two weeks ago or whatever. And then we had technical problems. um So we're getting in her back yes on ah at the ah the front half of March. So, um yeah, we have guests coming up. So I'm looking forward to all of that.
01:02:11
Speaker
um Yeah, so I think that just leaves me to say that ADHDville is delivered fresh every Tuesday to all purveyors of fine podcasts.
01:02:23
Speaker
Please subscribe to the pod and rate us most magnificent and feel free to correspond at will in the comments. But wait, there's more. If you wish...