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Episode 97. - Another Chat with Guest Tina - UR ADHD Bestie
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Welcome back to ADHDville! In this episode, hosts Paul and Martin are joined by the incredible Tina: UR ADHD Bestie for another lively, unfiltered conversation. From navigating late diagnoses to parenting neurodivergent kids, emotional regulation, and the power of self-acceptance, we dive deep into ADHD life with humor, honesty, and a few detours (because, well… ADHD).
Tina shares her journey from anger to advocacy, how her family embraces their ‘fast brains,’ and why she’s on a mission to support women in corporate America. Plus: meltdowns, masking, and the magic of grace and space. Oh, and Martin forgets his tea.
Whether you’re newly diagnosed or a seasoned ADHDer, this chat is packed with relatable moments and actionable insights. Hit play, and remember—be fucking kind to yourself."*
🔔 Subscribe for fresh ADHDville episodes every Tuesday!
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Transcript
Welcome to ADHDville
00:00:00
Speaker
Back in the room! Back in the room! Back in the room, okay! There we in the room, Mr Thompson. So, it's a guest episode, so without further adieu, let's go to the place where the distractions are landmarks and the detours are on main roads. Welcome to ADHDville! Hit the button, thank you!
00:00:20
Speaker
Oh, I forgot my tea! I left it downstairs! I haven't got anything to drink. Okay. Oh,
00:00:30
Speaker
This is going to be a no drink episode where we have to get through. Looks that way. It's dry episode. Using own mouth supply. It's the arid episode. I'm going to be spitting dust by the end of the episode.
00:00:48
Speaker
um Right, okay. Could be worse. Welcome back.
Return of the ADHD Bestie
00:00:54
Speaker
Welcome back, Tina, your ADHD bestie for number two. So if you haven't watched number one... Yay!
00:01:02
Speaker
Love you guys. Thanks for having me back. You're welcome. It was pleasure. It was so much fun. We had we had some so many good comments and whatnots.
00:01:14
Speaker
All right. So let's do some quick intros. So you're to say... I'm going to say, my name is Thompson. Hello. and I was diagnosed with the the combined ADH and the D almost a pair of years ago.
00:01:29
Speaker
and I'm Martin Weston. I was diagnosed with combined ADHD poopoo platter in 2013. And we start off as always here in the town hall. No, I'm not in the town hall. I'm reading off an old script. That's why.
00:01:40
Speaker
We're not in the town hall. because We were in a bar, weren't we, last time? Yes. but I'm hoping we were in bar. Right. I mean, but just to catch everyone The king's distracted head. um Yeah, we're in the king's agitated head because we were the mayors of ADHDville. Then there was an election and we lost the election.
00:02:00
Speaker
Now we're the ex-mayors of ADHDville. And we hang out in the pub. Yes. yeah Until the political climate improves and then we may go back to being mayors again.
00:02:11
Speaker
um yeah but as we are we are the resistance people are resistance yeah sounds topical sounds very topical doesn't it i know does done <unk> it like it mirrors in some kind of vague way all right we're gonna just pull right back here and pull it back so how have you been doing tina what's what's How are
Family and ADHD Journeys
00:02:37
Speaker
you?
00:02:37
Speaker
I've been doing well, thanks. I've been doing well. My kids are off for the summer, so I've been spending a lot of time really investing in some quality time with my kids, which has been really, really nice. Okay. How old are your kids, Tina?
00:02:53
Speaker
So my oldest is 16. My oldest daughter is 16. youngest daughter is 13, and then my son is 12. So they're right back to back. Yeah.
00:03:05
Speaker
Yeah. Okay. So it's really special when I get to to spend time with them individually and just have some quality time. So my, my 13 year old daughter and i went up to New York city this week for a couple of days.
00:03:18
Speaker
And, uh, and that was really awesome. Although New York is really, really hot right now. yeah ah And we were trying to be efficient and doing the subway thing and walking and, oh my goodness gracious.
00:03:31
Speaker
Yeah. It was experience. Energy sapping, isn't it? Yes. we We went up the one day um and that night we both were like in bed by 7.30. And I was like, right thank God she's my child. like me, because we were both just white.
00:03:53
Speaker
For sure. It took lot out of us. Kick your butt. It absolutely did. All right, so I mean, that's in interesting that that that we kind of bring up kids, right? Because, you know, ah I have kids, I have ADHD, and then I kind of, once you get diagnosed, actually, was it your, I'm just trying remember, was it your kids getting diagnosed and then...
00:04:22
Speaker
Yeah. So it's it's interesting. I was just thinking about this this morning. It's so my son was diagnosed first. And that traditionally is kind of what I hear from a lot of people is that the boys generally get diagnosed first. And my brother was diagnosed when he was young.
00:04:41
Speaker
My son has the the hyperactive pronounced sort of ADHD. Yeah. And he was disrupting his classroom and it was COVID. So it was exacerbated. So it was just very, very obvious that he had it.
00:04:54
Speaker
So he got diagnosed first. And then as I investigated it to be like the perfect mom and to help him, i discovered that I had it And then i got diagnosed. And then after that, I started looking at my girls differently.
00:05:09
Speaker
And I was like, I thought the one had it because she reminded me a lot of myself as ah as a young young person. yeah And then I was like, oh, shoot. I think the other one might have it too. It just manifests really differently.
00:05:21
Speaker
So basically everybody has it except my husband. Bless his heart. ah um But it manifests really differently in all three kids and i and and me. and I think that's like an interesting learning too is that ADHD isn't like a...
00:05:37
Speaker
it isn't like a copy paste kind of thing. It truly is a spectrum and it truly does manifest really differently in different people. I really like the expression you say, if you know someone with ADHD, you know someone with ah one person with ADHD.
00:05:53
Speaker
Yes.
Variations in ADHD Symptoms
00:05:54
Speaker
Yes. I think we should all just have different names, you know. ADHD. Everyone's ADHD has a different name. 6,407. exactly. yeah Yeah, like we should have like a flavor, you know, like we get to pick our flavor of ADHD. Yes.
00:06:09
Speaker
A pick and mix. Right. you Yeah, exactly. It's like your unique snack mix. Do you have pick pick and mix? We used to have Woolworths in the 60s and 70s, a pick and mix.
00:06:22
Speaker
And you'd go and, you know, you'd pick. You pick the different things that you want to have in it. Yeah. yeah i So I was just in new York City and and one of the things they have is like this M&M wall where you can sort of pick and pick the different M&Ms that you have in there. So that's what I was thinking of is like, oh, I like the caramel. I like this. I like a little bit of all of it.
00:06:45
Speaker
My daughter was like, I don't like dark chocolate. You know, so it's like you have your little little pieces that make you you. so So everyone in your family manifests their ADHD in different ways then?
00:06:59
Speaker
Yep.
00:07:01
Speaker
And like some maybe sometimes in very different ways, I suppose. Yeah, I think, well, so one of the things for me is just when you look at, like, let's take one example. So there's rejection sensitive dysphoria or RSD, right, which is which is sort of,
00:07:21
Speaker
almost like hypersensitivity to your emotions and being very reactive to other people. And and ah I think of it too as like almost like a hyper empath. Like you feel other people's emotions and you feel really deeply your emotions. so Really big emotions.
00:07:38
Speaker
So two of my kids, I see that in them very much. And one of them, the most, like really, really high levels of it. My third, and I'm not going to say who it is because I don't want to get like that specific about these kids, but like my third one, not at all.
00:07:56
Speaker
Like almost to the point where it's like, are you sociopath? Do you understand? stand yeah The interaction that you're having with other people and the effect of your ah actions on them read the room. you know like it's it's yeah It's interesting how it manifests. like The one is on one end of that spectrum and the and the other one is on the complete other end of the spectrum.
00:08:21
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. That's something, yeah. So how long has this whole kind of like, what's the distance between like you kind of going, oh, I think ah think my son has ADHD till now. I mean, like how long has that ADHD been?
00:08:42
Speaker
So, yeah. All right. So my son was in second grade when he was diagnosed. That was... So, I mean, it's actually easy because it was COVID, right? So COVID was 2020.
00:08:55
Speaker
um So between 2020 and now, so five years. right. Which honestly feels like at least 25 years. Yeah, it doesn't. Because just of everything that we've been through over the last five years, it feels...
00:09:08
Speaker
and it feels like there's different chapters, right? There's like the chapter of my son. There's a chapter of me trying to get diagnosed. There's the chapter of me being diagnosed and figuring out how to navigate life after I got diagnosed my medication journey.
00:09:22
Speaker
You know, it's, yeah it's fascinating. And even like looking back on my childhood and evaluating my mother and trying to get her to acknowledge her undiagnosed ADHD, that is not ever happening.
00:09:34
Speaker
Um, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I've not had that conversation with my family. Do you see it in in your family tree at all? do you guys see it? Have you like seen it in your family tree?
00:09:48
Speaker
Me personally, I can, but it's me. Yes, my sister, and I can say my sister because we've had the conversation. should be okay we mention it. But other otherwise, my mum's not around anymore. I think my mum maybe.
00:10:04
Speaker
With my dad, I couldn't even have the conversation with him. so But I think it's it' mixed up with some other stuff. It's overlapping, which a bit harder to see. Yes.
00:10:15
Speaker
so You see what I mean? It's harder to i know exactly overlaps with stuff. Yeah. I mean, like i can like I know I've said this before on the pod pod, but my my granddad had um he had cheese sandwiches every day for his entire working life.
00:10:40
Speaker
and he had apple pie for every dessert he had for his entire adult life. Wow. yes Okay. There were signs that our brains were not quite normal. Wired in an atypical fashion, or in a typical fashion, right? Yeah, in in a typical fashion. In typical fashion, yes.
00:11:05
Speaker
ah Signs are there. So what what and question I... You know, I think for me, it's... Yeah. No, go ahead. oh go What's your question? okay Okay. One question I had is I was listening to someone the other day and they said that women in general, when they've been diagnosed with ADHD later in life, the first reaction is is kind of, um you know, relief.
00:11:32
Speaker
But very, very commonly, the other the next reaction is anger. Is that something you experienced as well?
Emotions and Advocacy Post-Diagnosis
00:11:39
Speaker
Okay. Okay. Oh, 100%. I actually, so for me, there were three emotions that I had. So the first emotion was like intense relief and validation. Like I just felt so relieved.
00:11:52
Speaker
My next emotion was actually sadness. So I actually, i cried like a baby in front of the doctor and I apologized for crying like baby because I'm such a people pleaser. And then I was really pissed.
00:12:05
Speaker
Honestly, i was pissed. um yeah And I say, and I've said this a few times to people that I've now I'm trying to channel my anger into advocacy, because I think that for me, the anger was looking back and saying, I lost so much of my life. Mm hmm.
00:12:26
Speaker
To not having the support and the, you know, what I could have had if I had only known and known how to manage and navigate through that.
00:12:36
Speaker
So I think that was the, and honestly, part of this a little bit mad at myself because I did myself dissociate and communicate. Pretend that I was happy and do it for so long that I thought I was happy when I was actually really miserable for a really long time. And that's my own fault.
00:12:52
Speaker
Right. So yeah I think there's anger at myself and then there's anger at the sort of the industry. If you if you look at the history of the studying of ADHD, there was an amazing woman who sort of tried to go to the folks and and talk about it in the 90s and was shut down.
00:13:09
Speaker
And and that i get really that makes me really pissed, honestly. But yeah that's you know that's life and that's how change has to happen and has to take time. So right so so that you have la yeah so you so so you kind of hang up paul hang on a whole yeah is ah Let me get my question ready. Can you gentlemen please raise your hands?
00:13:36
Speaker
Yeah, exactly. um Good boy
00:13:41
Speaker
point. I think I did this last time then I forgot what yeah the question was as well. Again, like... like ah I can't imagine you forgetting a question and getting this question. We'd never do that.
00:13:54
Speaker
Right. No. But then what I like about this story is that you can come from this, you know, like this place of like, what's going on?
00:14:05
Speaker
Oh, hang on. Okay. What's, what's, what's up with my son? Okay. Oh, and me. Oh, and everyone. oh right. And you get angry and you could go on your journey.
00:14:16
Speaker
And then at some point you kind of go, you know what, there are more people like me, there are more women, especially out there, um who I can kind of like put signposts out for them and kind of go, look, this way. Yeah, you're not alone.
00:14:36
Speaker
you're You're not alone. And and yeah you're not a bad mom or a bad daughter. i think that's, we talked about that the last time, i think. I feel there's, So I there's so many things going on in my brain that my mouth just needs to catch up. So let me let me try to break them down and make sure I don't forget them. oh so I think that for me, there's the women who have been diagnosed late in life who feel alone and feel like they are failing at being a mom and a wife and what's expected of women in society.
00:15:10
Speaker
And I want them to feel not alone and realize it's just the way their brain is wired. But I also want to make sure that girls... who are doing well in school, who are people pleasing, who are, who are going down that path of anxiety and depression that they are supported as well.
00:15:30
Speaker
So like for me, my girls were not doing badly in school. And even the first like psychologist that I went to was like, Oh, well, she's not doing badly in school. I don't think it's a problem. And just, you know, get her some help with organizing And that was like the, that was the advice that I got versus, Hey, let's really understand the emotional issues and what she's navigating to try to help her more effectively.
00:15:53
Speaker
so for me, it's, it's really about those two things that I really feel strongly that I want to help and separately, but equally important. I think, I don't think I talked to you guys about my dad last time.
00:16:05
Speaker
Did I, I don't think I talked about my dad last time. No, no. i So yeah, I think when you go through this kind of situation, you can take one or two paths. You can take a path of bitterness and just be pissed. Or you can take a path of like advocacy and like I'm going to go do something about this and make things better for people. right And the reason that I took that, i'm going to I'm going to make things better for people, was because of my father.
Inspiration from Family
00:16:32
Speaker
And so I'd love to just take a minute and explain it. So my dad did not have ADHD. Absolutely. So nothing about ADHD at all, but my father was blind and he was born blind, okay but he was a public school teacher um for 30 plus years.
00:16:47
Speaker
And he had a master's degree from the University of Pennsylvania. And he managed to go and get accepted to be the head of his department and teach and do a whole lot of things, including learning how to roller skate, which sounds easier than it actually would be if you're blind, like learning how to roller skate is not a simple thing.
00:17:06
Speaker
So he, his whole life was like, I'm going to figure out how to do it and not being a victim of his circumstances always.
00:17:17
Speaker
And so he was my sort of, he has been my role model my whole life. Even he was diagnosed with Parkinson's. He's no longer with us, but I saw him get diagnosed with Parkinson's and the way that he battled Parkinson's for as long as he could,
00:17:32
Speaker
um It eventually took him. But like that fighting spirit of I'm I'm not going to be stopped by x y Z has yeah fueled my sort of inner belief system.
00:17:46
Speaker
um And that's why i always sort of take whatever it is. And I'm like, I'm going to make this. ah a teaching moment for me or something, and I'm going to make it better for people because there's no excuse to just sit in your bad, funky place forever.
00:18:03
Speaker
Yeah. So there you go. Yeah. but ah What an inspirational person to have as your dad. Like a real gift. Like, absolutely. Yeah.
00:18:15
Speaker
Well, what an amazing example you grew up with, you know, with, you know, how to deal with, you know, um you know, obstacles in life, you know. Hardship and challenges.
00:18:27
Speaker
Yeah. And, you know, right beating it. And, you
00:18:34
Speaker
Well, and just not being not being stopped or not being a victim. Like, I think that the thing is this whole victim mentality. It's like he had every right to have a victim mentality.
00:18:45
Speaker
Every right. yeah And every time he was faced with a challenge, it was like, how are we going to fix this? I want to be the head of my department. And they were like, well, you don't have a supervisory certificate. And he was like, okay, I'm going to go get a supervisory certificate.
00:18:58
Speaker
You know, it was like, whatever needed to be done, he would just go do it. And so that to me, this like not having a victim mentality is Honestly, i probably have it to a point where it's, it's maybe a little bit of an issue.
00:19:14
Speaker
Like, like I'm like, stop complaining. You know, like I don't have a lot of tolerance for people who are in that. And I think the other thing for me is I don't deal with discomfort very well. So I'm sort of like, okay, let's immediately go into like solution mode and make this better. And it's like, no, sometimes you need to learn it in the funk.
00:19:34
Speaker
Yeah. um you need to sit in funk for a minute and and actually like learn the lessons that are there but um it has served me well my whole life but i just need sometimes your greatest strength is your greatest weakness i have to have to learn to feel that's so true and just funk sometimes yeah that's so true what things we've talked about quite often is yeah go on martin
00:20:01
Speaker
No, no, no. You were you were on no our a roll. Before I got diagnosed with ADHD, I kind of recognized that my sensitivity was my best friend and my worst enemy, you know.
00:20:16
Speaker
And that, and and I kind of like, and it still is to this day, but now I just like, now that I've accepted that and like, like picture it and almost give it a kind of a personality, I can manage it better. It's like, okay, so let's, let's tilt the balance in the morning direction of, okay, insensitive is my friend and not my enemy or as little as possible.
00:20:41
Speaker
Yeah.
00:20:45
Speaker
I love that. and The other thing is you were talking about victimhood. It's so easy to get into victimhood. And i I think I did that for a long, ah way too much of my life.
00:20:56
Speaker
And in the end, I got bored with it. I kind of started listening to myself, like being a victim, and I just got bored with it. And it's just such a waste of energy as well.
00:21:11
Speaker
i I find, i say that um complaining is like, it's like scratching poison ivy. Like it feels good at the time, but then at the end of it, you actually feel worse than you did when you started. yeah So I kind of go, let's let's have a bitch session and bitch about something, but then let's move to solution mode at the end of it. So I always try to sort of cap off with like, what's one thing we can do to make the situation better? Because I have had situations in my life especially from like a ah work perspective where I just sat and I was like, this sucks and this person, blah, blah, blah. And then it's like, okay, no, what are we going to do about it
00:21:48
Speaker
Because you can always do something, not everything. i It totally. Yeah. And then you're infecting everybody around you with your negativity and everybody has that poison ivy that they're scratching. And that's just not a good place to be. It makes a toxic culture. Martin, I want to make sure you have your voice heard.
00:22:08
Speaker
Yes, exactly ah i will exactly. What I kind of like about, well, one of the things that you're good at, which um is you've managed to kind of like navigate a eight career and the and the office and the corporate world yeah and all of that. Yeah.
00:22:32
Speaker
um as well as having ADHD. So in my head, because I've been down that road as well, like you ah the it's mostly about trying to dampen down the kind of the destructive sides and then like really working out how you can use your hyper focus and all the skills that actually ADHD gives you some some good stuff. So then totally trying to use those and then just keeping the the the less desirable stuff down, which I know is ah is a balance and not everyone
00:23:09
Speaker
can do and they'll end up burning out like you know weeks days months years down down down the line so how oh i've hit the microphone how do you find your your adhd kind of like helps you in your you know in your work work life So it's fascinating because, well, first of all, there's ah a really amazing organization called understood.org. And I just did a podcast with them. They just released it this week called Minds at Work.
00:23:36
Speaker
And I had a whole conversation with them. And honestly, it was super enlightening for me because I hadn't really thought through
Career Insights and Hyper-Empathy
00:23:41
Speaker
all this stuff. But now I can answer that question, Martin, pretty well because I've thought about it. And what's fascinating to me is um Back to like sensitivity, you're talking about sensitivity being sort of your greatest strength, your greatest weakness. What I realize is I am an empath, like a hyper empath.
00:24:00
Speaker
And so sometimes that's a problem for me because I project and I and I feel other people's emotions. And it's it's really hard for me sometimes. I'm either like fully in their business or I'm fully out of their business. It's hard for me to find that in between.
00:24:15
Speaker
But yeah, yeah. Being a hyper empath, I can put myself in other people's shoes very easily. If I know you for a little bit, I can generally put myself in your shoes and being in a consumer insights function.
00:24:31
Speaker
You putting myself in a 75-year-old woman with arthritis's shoes and being able to sort of channel her in a way with my partners, like, freaked them out. Not freaked them out, but, like, shocked them, the the ease with which I'm able to do that.
00:24:50
Speaker
So I could always be like, okay, well, here's how she would think about that product. here's how she would Here's how she would talk about that product. Here's how she would articulate her needs. And people would be like, holy shit, like how did you do that?
00:25:04
Speaker
Because they couldn't do that naturally. So for me, I never realized that that was my nerve. That that was my neurodiversity that I was tapping into. I thought, wow, I guess I'm just really good at like putting myself in other people's shoes. I didn't realize it was my my empathy and my hyper empathy that was enabling that.
00:25:23
Speaker
Also, I could really put myself into my into the shoes of my stakeholders. So I could really think about and understand what that person needed to hear, what that person needed to be influenced, all the things about the people that I was working with.
00:25:40
Speaker
And I'm in an enabling function. So for me, understanding this person has to hit their number and what's on their minds today is blah, blah, blah that came from their boss.
00:25:51
Speaker
So when I go to them, I have a conversation that is tailored to understanding their needs and I'm the best partner they've ever had in that way.
00:26:02
Speaker
Right. Because I can leverage my strengths there. the The issue that I run into is
00:26:10
Speaker
that emotion is really high and really strong. And so when I sit into meetings where I need to take to dampen it, and I think you guys were talking about sort of dampening it, I have to kind of like turn that, I have to manage the dials on the emotion.
00:26:30
Speaker
I think I told you guys this last time, but I call it like Tina on six or Tina on three. Like have to kind of, I have to kind of like turn the dials of my personality down and be like, yeah okay, I can't be Tina on 10.
00:26:43
Speaker
I have to be, and it depends on generally like the level and the organization and the the amount of familiarity I have with someone is like, I'll start in a a much lower level with you. And then I'll, I'll just decide how, how amped up the personality sort of volume I can, you can handle of me. And then I will, I will allow you to see that level of the volume.
00:27:04
Speaker
But i am very I'm very sensitive to watching and and seeing how people interact with me. And that's how I gauge whether I can be successful and I can interact the way that I do. It's very much about mirroring and and being empathetic to the people around me.
00:27:20
Speaker
Nice. yeah i I'm going to go slightly sideways. in that case um Understood.org, right? I applied for a creative director job there.
00:27:33
Speaker
ah don't know, maybe a year ago. Interesting. Because I was like, oh, ADHD, yes. Podcast, yes. I'm ticking all the boxes here, guys. yeah um yeah But I didn't get the job.
00:27:45
Speaker
So I suspect that you may have actually... and and interacted with the guy that got the job that I didn't get. i don't know because i didn't I didn't talk to the creative director. I only talked to i talked to the CMO.
00:27:58
Speaker
Oh, right. So maybe he was interviewing that person. Maybe he interviewed you. but they have me on the They have me on the Women's Council right now. ah didn't even get as far as interview, so yeah i was just i was just ghosting. Thrown over and, oh, that's the ghosting. The ghosting is rampant right now, I think. you know I think a lot of folks are going through that sort of application process. so But you were saying on the Women's
Publicly Sharing ADHD Journey
00:28:27
Speaker
Council? i saw ah i I didn't want to miss that little little this little nugget.
00:28:33
Speaker
Yeah, that little nugget. What's that? So um I've only been on it for like six weeks probably, but um I came, I sort of came out of the ADHD closet we've talked about before on LinkedIn. i went big. I told everybody, so was like, that was 10 on 10. kind of just, I went all, I went all in.
00:28:54
Speaker
and i was 10 on 10 to all of my LinkedIn contacts. And I have a lot of LinkedIn contacts. So it was just like, basically everybody I've ever worked with before. um Let me just, let me just tell you something. And I just, I kind of went out there.
00:29:06
Speaker
And with that, um I had met someone from understood.org at a conference once, and they were part of my contacts. And they reached out to someone that was in understood.org and said, hey, this woman is like, basically putting herself out there. And not many people in corporate America put themselves out there as saying that they have ADHD, because it's really kind of a risky proposition.
00:29:28
Speaker
And then they came to me and they said, hey, you know, would you be willing to be on our women's council, which is sort of like an advisory council and, you know, we'll, we'll be spokespeople for women and ADHD and corporate America and that kind of stuff. And I was like, sure.
00:29:45
Speaker
Um, and so they were like, you know, uh, I went to their offices, so I've gone to a couple of things for them and and they recorded a podcast with me for their, Mine's at work.
00:29:56
Speaker
and And actually, the reason that I was in New York this week was my daughter participated. One of my girls participated in a study for them. So that was kind of cool.
00:30:08
Speaker
So it's kind of a neat thing that i I never thought when I hit submit and I posted that thing on LinkedIn that I would have... the ability to connect to all these different people and organizations. And I think that's where people say, you know, just jump off the cliff and just do it because things will manifest from it. And I think that's, I'm sort of seeing that kind of thing happen now that things are manifesting because I sort of just took the risk and jumped off the cliff, you know?
00:30:37
Speaker
So that's great. Jump off the cliff. but Maybe not literally. No, okay. ah Throw your hat over the wall. Throw your hat over the wall. Thank you. Much better.
00:30:48
Speaker
love that. I love that expression. one came from Paul. Yeah. yeah Yeah. Yeah. I love that expression. that's a better expression than jumping off the cliff. um I want to talk for a second about.
00:31:01
Speaker
Yeah. Go on. No, you're the roll, Paul. Okay. You want to talk a second about what? About age-appropriateness, being age-appropriate. So, for for example, when you you're late-diagnosed woman, okay, with ADHD, and you're listening maybe to um other generations that are in your situation, so they may be in their twenty s or 30s, does it – does it
00:31:32
Speaker
this it i I, ah well, I'll give you an example. I, in my, in my example, I, as a 58 year old man and listening to people talking about ADHD, um, and they're kind of like, um, 30 years younger than me. It doesn't feel like we're talking about the same thing sometimes, you know,
00:31:57
Speaker
Because you've lived with ADHD for maybe 20, 30 years, undiagnosed, more than they have. That doesn't negate what they're going through, their experience, but it seems different to me a lot of the time.
00:32:11
Speaker
is that do you Do you find that as well?
00:32:17
Speaker
Well, I think... I guess I think a couple of things. I think that there are late diagnosed ADHDers. And what surprises me is there are women on there who are saying, I'm late diagnosed ADHD and they're like 30 years old.
00:32:34
Speaker
And I'm like, really? Really? I'm like, girl, I'm like, and I'm sure by the way, the 65 year old women are like, girl, you are nothing. So yeah I think, I think everybody's experience is their experience. So if people feel like they have lost portions of their life, which they have, like if you weren't, dying if you weren't diagnosed, um,
00:32:55
Speaker
as an 11 year old, right? My son was diagnosed in second grade. So like he's had the ability since second grade to have the conversations, the structure, the scaffolding, the help, the support since he was in second grade.
00:33:09
Speaker
And so anybody who wasn't diagnosed very early in life are later diagnosed. And the later you're diagnosed, the more you've lost. So I think for women, especially, i think the experience of feeling a loss, right?
00:33:23
Speaker
of that time period of not being diagnosed yeah is is a is a shared experience across generations. um And I do feel like the...
00:33:36
Speaker
expectations of women being um on top of their game and logistics and all that kind of stuff, I think is also a shared experience across generations, especially if you have kids or married, that kind of stuff.
Generational ADHD Experiences
00:33:49
Speaker
So for women, I think it manifests similarly. What I am seeing is like, women. um also a little bit of an attitudinal segment of like the superpower people.
00:34:02
Speaker
So yeah but that's like more of a, I'm going to geek out on consumer insights for a second and say there's like an attitudinal segment of like people who are just like, it's a superpower and you could be 40 and say it's a superpower. And I think that there's the there's the the two vectors of it's a superpower and it's a disability and like it's a bit of both kind of thing, people.
00:34:26
Speaker
But that to me feels like the most disconnecting thing that I see versus the generational piece because yeah it's it's really um um polarizing is the word I was looking for.
00:34:41
Speaker
That's what I've noticed. Yeah. But I'm curious to hear from you, like when you say their experience feels really different than yours, how how does it feel really different than yours? I don't know. I suppose i mean what what really kind of resonated for me when you talked about the the polarizing discussion about superpowers, if you're like diagnosed in your 60s and you have a conversation about superpowers, that's a tricky one, you know.
00:35:06
Speaker
That's, that's a, talking to a spouse is a bit of a luxury that you could talk about, you know, when you've been diagnosed in your twenties and thirties, you know, as a, as a, so you know, almost 60, almost 60 year old is kind of like, it grates a bit, you know, cause I guess you will and i think that's ken right that it we all feel the degree of resentment.
00:35:29
Speaker
Yeah, because we've accumulated so much more difficulty and many more obstacles. Well, think that's my... you know um but i think you know like that's my ah in impression of it as when you're younger you're kind of more malleable and flexible and you're still trying to work out life and everything and as you get older if you've got if you're late diagnosed ADHD in your you know your 60s then you've then
00:36:00
Speaker
you all of your coping strategies, all of your masking, everything has been almost like baked in for like decades.
00:36:11
Speaker
Baked in. And it's almost become part of your personality. Yeah. You know, it's it's like it's ingrained. deeply so love that baked in that's good that you have are going to be very different different yeah yeah also don't you find the language is different go on oh okay can i challenge can i challenge both of you for a minute i'm gonna challenge both of you okay challenge i'm gonna challenge you so
00:36:40
Speaker
I'm 51, right? right I was only diagnosed like two years ago. My life has transformed since then because I know what I am dealing with more.
00:36:53
Speaker
And by the way, medication is a wonderful thing. So i I have no issues leveraging medication to help me with the anxiety that I have built up in myself. That's what's been hard coded or baked into me is this anxiety. And so i manage that with medicine.
00:37:14
Speaker
And I have no qualms or guilt that I feel about that because of that. I think kids maybe don't need, they might not need that level of support because they've figured out how to regulate themselves and have the structure and the support.
00:37:27
Speaker
They might not need that kind of medication. But I think it depends on your willingness to take in and change based on what you're learning. That's my that's my challenge.
00:37:43
Speaker
But i'm ah I am an internal optimist. As I said, i will never be a victim. i will always look at something as what can I learn from this and how can I become better by what I'm learning? And so if I'm learning about how my brain works, how can I be a better person? How can I be a happier person and a better partner for everybody if I know how my brain works now?
Self-Understanding and Growth
00:38:07
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. Do want to answer that, Martin? Especially if you... Well, I mean, but do you do you want a specific example or or just a general comment on that? well is up Whatever you feel like doing, Martin. well Whatever you like.
00:38:25
Speaker
um I mean, um you know like it's I think that's especially true when you live with a partner because you end up like the whole language and the whole relationship changes.
00:38:38
Speaker
Yes. ah So my like the conversations I have with my wife are very different now than they used to be.
00:38:49
Speaker
um And there's a lot more leeway. um So she's also neurodivergent as well. and And if she says, oh, can you do this thing? And it would be an annoying small thing. But I know, ah okay, I'm not.
00:39:08
Speaker
um For example, the TV we watch in the evening, right it can't be exciting or dramatic or challenging or creepy or weird.
00:39:21
Speaker
right So she has to watch that that um in the last couple of hours. it It is almost like Hallmark level Yes. It's wind down time.
00:39:33
Speaker
It's our wind down time. It needs to be wind down TV. Where nothing happens. And it used to and annoy me until I understood her and understood me and how my brain works and how her brain works.
00:39:45
Speaker
And then, okay, right, this is important. So, yeah. So in those ways, it yeah, it's, a and and you're continually doing it, right? All the time. It's not like it's just a one shot course.
00:40:00
Speaker
and And you're done. Yes. It's like's a journey, right? it's day right And you learn new things every day. i think my husband's neurodivergent in a different way than I am.
00:40:11
Speaker
And I won't, I'm not going to get into it. But we do talk about, and our family, we talk about the slow brain and the fast brains. So, like, his brain is different than aren than me and the kids, but I give him grace and space because I understand more how his brain works.
00:40:27
Speaker
And he gives me grace and space because he understands how my brain works. And they usually work in different directions. You see, Tina, Tina, Tina, this is how it works, right? Yeah. People who are looking for a partner, they go, oh, do I get a neurodivergent one or do I get a neurotypical one?
00:40:45
Speaker
And actually pick what I found is – think you can vibe with this is is is actually if you get a neurodivergent person, but they have to be the opposite neurodivergent person to you.
00:40:57
Speaker
So if you're completely unorganized, they're organized. Yes, OCD. And then these two people become an entire – the these two people become an entire normal brain. I'm not saying that, but I'm just saying may i I see your... i right You can get two weird brains, put them together and create a normal functioning brain.
00:41:22
Speaker
but if you don't But if you don't understand how the different brains operate and to what level and degree they operate that way, you can just trigger the shit out of each other all the time. Oh, yeah. On the other end of it, it is it is chiy nightmare.
00:41:35
Speaker
It is extraordinarily triggering all the time. Triggering triggering the shit out of each other. like that. Oh, yeah. a yeah I'm sure my husband be proud that I described our relationship like that.
00:41:50
Speaker
I mean, everyone, surely. i cook it i i want to like with There's also... there's also
00:41:59
Speaker
Sorry, I was just going to say, and nobody in in our nuclear family has been diagnosed with autism, but I do see a flavor of that spectrum running through our family as well. And I think I've seen a lot more about ADHD as well.
00:42:16
Speaker
And I think that's also an interesting piece. Like one of my girls, I can see some of that. I call it a touch of the tisms. I think she's got a little touch of it and I can see how it manifests in her. And my son's manifestation of ADHD triggers the shit out of my daughters.
00:42:33
Speaker
So the two of them are triggering each other constantly. So it's like, I'm so But you see it and you and you at least you can have a conversation about it. So like I think growing up for me, I just got really frustrated. Now I can say, okay, so you understand He's stimming right now. Like he's verbally stimming. That's why he's blah, blah, blah all the time.
00:42:59
Speaker
And, and you're, you're RSD. So like your big emotions are being triggered by him making noises, but he's making noises because that's how his brain is processing things.
00:43:11
Speaker
And so the nice thing is now my kids, I thought about this the other day, my son like went into the garage and He was processing his emotions and he was like, I need to go away, mom.
00:43:22
Speaker
And I need to be alone. And he was regulating his emotions. And I was like, holy crap. My 12 year old son like knows how regulate his emotions. And he knows that he needs to be himself to regulate his emotions.
00:43:36
Speaker
I really envy. And I'm like, I feel that made me feel really good. Yeah. But also envious. Also envious is that, God, I wish I had those tools when was 12. Yeah, a little A little bit.
00:43:49
Speaker
A little bit of that. Definitely. a little bit of like, I wish I could have had conversations with my mom like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. A little bit. Although I was more probably proud of myself as a parent.
00:44:01
Speaker
ah I was proud of myself as a parent, actually. i was like, ha, I did that. That was me. yeah, that's cool. That's cool. Yeah, yeah. There go. Okay.
Acceptance and Self-Compassion
00:44:10
Speaker
Yeah. That's good. Well, ah one of the things Martin was saying about language, i mean and I think language is a massive thing, a massive thing.
00:44:19
Speaker
One of the things I think is really liberating for my ADHD is on ah on so many levels, acceptance. This is how I'm yeah baked in.
00:44:33
Speaker
And some things I'll be able to change and some things I won't be able to change and some other things i i can try and change. But accepting I found really liberating in the last two years.
00:44:48
Speaker
And that's been quite a slow ah slow kind of process of acceptance, you know. But it's it's it's great.
00:44:58
Speaker
We use the term grace and we we use the term grace in space in our in our family, and I use it with myself all the time. It's just like you have to give yourself grace and space for the way that your brain is wired and just accept that your brain is wired that way. And your brain being wired fact. Yeah.
00:45:17
Speaker
fact And not a judgment. And so if you accept that fact, then you can say, okay, how do I work with my brain? What are the things I need to do Because my brain is, is wired this way. Like I think, yeah and maybe because I had a blind father that helped because my dad couldn't help the fact that he couldn't see.
00:45:36
Speaker
You know, yeah he just had to figure out how to navigate life without being able to see. So in my mind, it's like, okay, well, my brain is just wired like this. So how do I navigate life with a brain that is wired differently? And what do I need to make sure that I need help with and can articulate the help that I need. And at the same time, i have gifts that I bring to the party.
00:45:58
Speaker
Like I can help you understand other people's feelings. I can, you know, come up with wacky, crazy ideas when other people can't do that, you know? So there's gifts I bring to the party and then there's help that I need. And that's sort of me, you know, and understanding that makes a difference.
00:46:15
Speaker
There we go. That is a perfect point to kind of go... Right. if you if you Do you have one minute or do you have four minutes?
00:46:26
Speaker
i can yeah I'll give you guys four minutes. all right so for um All right. So when we have a guest on the show, are now we ah you know you are now a a a you know a a a don't remember, a ah citizen. That's the word I'm looking for. Okay.
00:46:46
Speaker
Of ADHDville. And that means that you can um set up a little business or a thing or ah or a something. Activity. um Within ADHDville that you can call your own. So we've had other guests have ah have opened up ah second-hand bookstores, record stores. We've got a theme park.
00:47:10
Speaker
Yeah. ah We've got a taco and tequila bar. us so we're kind of So our guests are gradually building out our town.
ADHDville Business Idea
00:47:20
Speaker
um So but what little kind of little corner of ADHDville do you want and what do you want to put in it?
00:47:34
Speaker
So I think what I want is a combination ice cream coffee shop. Oh. And I want it to have like a space where you can just sit down and chat with people.
00:47:47
Speaker
So it's like a it's like a cone and coffee chat. Cone and coffee. Cone and coffee. Yeah. there it is that The cone and coffee chat spot. Yeah. Nice.
00:47:57
Speaker
Can you have coffee flavored ice cream?
00:48:04
Speaker
Yes. Ice cream and coffee. Yep. Actually, I think there was a, I once saw a store called drip and scoop is actually, I think what they called themselves. So I won't take their name, but we can just say cone and coffee.
00:48:20
Speaker
Yeah. Yes, ice cream cone to your point. Thank you. Ice cream. Yes. Okay. Nice. Perfect. All right. Well, thanks a lot, Tina, yeah for coming doing a part two.
00:48:35
Speaker
um and And if you if you if you want to hear more from toal from Tina, sorry, Tony. Why did I call you Tony? I know that Everybody knows that.
00:48:49
Speaker
You're like Tony. Yeah, boy. Yeah, boy. Yeah, Tony from Jersey. Tony from Jersey. I get that all the time. Oh, all the time. So easy to slip into.
00:49:01
Speaker
Yeah.
Connect with Tina
00:49:02
Speaker
ah So, so ah where, where can people find you? Where can we find you? So that you can find me in a couple of places. So you can find me on TikTok, which is my favorite place.
00:49:15
Speaker
You're ADHD bestie. You are ADHD bestie, but i also post a fair amount on LinkedIn. And that's my full name is Tina Tinelli, T-O-N-I-E-L-L-I, not Tony Tinelli, but Tina. Tony Tinelli.
00:49:32
Speaker
ah Tina Tinelli. We'll get some coffee. Yes, we'll get some coffee. um I post there pretty regularly, and I have something called Project Badass that I post there that's all about unleashing sort of your inner badass and sort of connecting to your authentic self, which is really fun. um So those are the two places that I would say people could find me.
00:49:56
Speaker
Wonderful. All right. Well, that just, actually, see you didn't get to ah get involved in the out... outro last time but here we go we're in the outro we're in the outro bit to say ADHD is delivered fresh every Tuesday to all purveyors of fine podcasts please subscribe to the pod and rate us most amazing and feel free to correspond with us in the comments but wait there is more if you wish to see our beautiful beautiful faces and Sally forth to the YouTubes and the TikToks
00:50:28
Speaker
And you can pick up a quill and email us at ADHDville at gmail.com. But in the meantime, fucking kind to yourself. Grace and space. And I beseech you, fellow ADHDers, fairly well with gladness of heart.
00:50:50
Speaker
There, says the mayor. That's that. That was good.