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Teenage anxiety so bad it can kill, and how to avoid it, with Lorena Salazar
134 Plays3 years ago
In this episode Helen Wills and Lorena Salazar talk about how stress can affect teenagers, the long-term implications of unmanaged worry, and how to support a teenager with anxiety.
When Lorena was 14 she was diagnosed with gastritis, caused by stress. Eventually she was told she had a gastric ulcer, and by the time she was in college her anxiety was so bad it had affected her immune system, and infection had taken hold. Lorena almost died.
I'm Helen Wills, and each week I talk to someone who went through a difficult time in their teenage years, but came through it in a good place. My guests offer insight and tips for parents of teens who might be going through similar, and hope for young people who need a light shining at the end of the tunnel.
How anxiety begins in children:
Worry is normal, but when it becomes long-term it can start to wear down a child's defences. Lorena talks about how her parents' separation and a move to a new school started with small worries, and progressed to physical symptoms of anxiety.
Lots of teens suffer heightened anxiety around friendship issues, especially when they try to fit in with a popular group of peers. Lorena gives great self-confidence tips for teens on living according to your own needs rather than living up to the expectations of others.
How to support a teenager with depression or anxiety:
Lorena talks about
- how parents might struggle to help teens who don't think their parents really get it
- how keeping consistent with offers of support pays off eventually
- how teens need to feel ready to seek help before it will work for them.
Eventually Lorena was able to see that there was a positive way out of her anxiety, and used therapy to recover and manage her feelings.
There's also good advice for adults on how to avoid the competitive culture we live in that values productivity over wellness.
Who is Lorena Salazar?
Lorena Salazar is a wellness coach from Massachusetts, where she lives with her husband and two children. She is on a mission to help 1 million women with anxiety reclaim their power, feel confident and live joyful lives.
In April 2021 Lorena is relaunching her free wellness accountability group for moms/mums. She says it's perfect for those who want to stay on track with their wellness goals and benefit from checking in with a group of like minded people.
More teenage parenting tips from Helen Wills:
There are lots more episodes of the Teenage Kicks podcast. You can email me on [email protected]. I’ve also got some posts on the blog that might help parents with other teenage parenting dilemmas, so do pop over to Actually Mummy if you fancy a read.
Thank you so much for listening! Subscribe now to the Teenage Kicks podcast to hear all my new episodes. I'll be talking to some fabulous guests about difficult things that happened to them as teenagers - including losing a parent, becoming a young carer, and being
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Transcript
Introduction to Teenage Kicks podcast and guest Lorena Salazar
00:00:00
Speaker
You know who your friends are. So don't try to be somebody else. Welcome to the Teenage Kicks podcast, where we take the fear out of parenting or becoming a teenager. Today, I've got with me Lorena. I think that's the right way to say it. Lorena Salazar. Yes. Is that right, Lorena? That is perfect. Thank you so much.
00:00:29
Speaker
I was a Spanish student once upon a time, so I get the pronunciation right. Although my kids hate me for ordering Spanish food with a Spanish accent. They say it's really too much of me. I should do it with Lorena. No, it's perfect. And I can't remember that age as a teenager. I will be on my mom all the time saying, oh, mom, you didn't say this right. You didn't do this right.
00:00:52
Speaker
Are you trying too hard mum?
Lorena's personal journey with anxiety and mental health
00:00:55
Speaker
Well, Lorena is a wellness coach from Massachusetts. I've looked at some of her tips and she talks about life as a journey where it's not possible to be on top of your game all of the time and you will have down times.
00:01:09
Speaker
Lorena talks a lot about anxiety and that's what she's here to chat with us about, and how mental health management is important for all of us, not just people who recognise that they are struggling with anxiety. Lorena's also a mum of two, so she gets it, she understands it from her mum's point of view, but she's here to talk to us today about how much she gets it as a teenager, because
00:01:37
Speaker
Lorena as a teenager really struggled with anxiety and she's going to tell us that story to the point where she developed chronic gastritis as a symptom leading to a gastric ulcer at the age of 14. Lorena, we'll get into that in more detail further into the podcast, but can you tell me first, what is a wellness coach?
Role as a wellness coach and connection between physical and mental health
00:02:01
Speaker
Sure. So a wellness coach, what I do is really work on goals that a person has in regards of like health, just becoming healthier, improving,
00:02:18
Speaker
Let's say it can be like a wide topic. We all have different start points. Like healthy means different for different people, but essentially we work in becoming a healthier version of ourselves, right? So in my own case, mental health is one of the things that I am constantly working on. So I focus on a lot of like doing meditations and exercising that it's helping me with like my mental energy, my stamina,
00:02:47
Speaker
I work with other women who just want to be, they want to lose some weight, right? So then the focus is more in nutrition, also exercising. But then as a coach, my work is to kind of like walk the path with them and help them understand where to start, how to break it down in achievable
00:03:10
Speaker
steps that they can take on a daily basis that is not overwhelming, and that it can also get those results, whatever that is, to become healthier, right? Just like, leave a more balanced life. Like, you know, more like this well being in their lives, you know, that they can feel happier, more joyful, more fulfilled. Yeah, so it sounds like it's a mixture of kind of everything, physical health and emotional and mental health. Is that right?
00:03:40
Speaker
It combines pieces of them all. The approach I feel just from what I have learned and for my own experience also dealing with anxiety is that it is really the combination of
00:03:53
Speaker
different basic things that we need to have in our lives that really works. We cannot just exercise and exercise and eat crappy. It doesn't help you at all. It doesn't really help you in terms of health and wellness. And there is a really tight correlation between the brains and how it works in terms of mental health.
00:04:17
Speaker
and what we feed ourselves, like what we put into our body. Also with the activities that we do, with the books that we read, with the people that we share space with. Everything comes into one thing, which is ourselves, right? Yeah. Yeah. I totally get that, but it's taken me many, many, many, many years to realize that our physical health is connected and tied up with our mental health.
00:04:43
Speaker
and our emotions and everything in our world. So it's a little bit of everything. And I'm thinking that this is probably how things manifested for you originally, because you had physical symptoms of anxiety, which is a mental, emotional issue. So I want to just get into that with you. I will ask you how it all started for
Impact of family dynamics on Lorena's anxiety
00:05:09
Speaker
you.
00:05:09
Speaker
Can you first tell us a little bit about your family life when you were growing up and what life was like for you as you came into those teenage years? Absolutely. So my family, I am a single daughter of a separated couple. Okay. Right. I think that is kind of like the most remarkable thing of like my life growing up. Yeah, sure. Just all like that family separation. You know, like I was living with my mother and I was
00:05:40
Speaker
always visiting my father and my father's family every weekend and we will go on vacations together. It's like they had an okay relationship. They made it work. But I will think that behind the scenes, the communication was not great. And a lot of times I was just in the middle of a lot of
00:06:01
Speaker
sarcasm, or a lot of like fears, or a lot of like, you know, tell your dad this message for me instead of you know, like, or, and, and they actually have different approaches as to how to communicate. So, at some point, actually, I remember years later, when I started my own journey, when I started to go to therapy, I had to talk to my mom and say, Hey,
00:06:27
Speaker
You know, I am not the messenger in this relationship. You go tell my dad, whatever it is. I feel like the separation of my parents really played a really important role in like my anxiety and like how they managed it at some point. Also, I was kind of taking a lot of the insecurities from what was all happening and also conversations that my father's family
00:06:51
Speaker
we're having about my mom and they're related. It was very messy, you know, like, and those are messy as teenagers or as children. We are in those rooms listening to those conversations, right? We are listening to what our aunt
00:07:07
Speaker
thinks of our mother that is not part of the family anymore. And I'm like, Oh, I don't say anything. But I'm like, right, they actually they will call her Oh, she's crazy. Right. And like words that were not necessarily like the most positive. Yeah.
00:07:23
Speaker
And I internalize a lot of those things when I think about it in perspective, I'm like, wow, that's right. I feel like there was not a lot of approval of my mother in this family that I actually spend most, I will say the cousins that I share the most now are my father's family side cousins.
00:07:45
Speaker
So it's like I spent a lot of loving memories with my father's family, but I was living with my mom, you know, like, so it's like, and they were completely kind of like in opposite directions. And I felt like there was it didn't really have like a sense of belonging that was really rooted or like, my identity, who am I and the approval of myself, you know, I was constantly in doubt. Yeah, later on, I understood that. But yeah, and how old were you when they separated?
00:08:15
Speaker
was very young. I think it was at age two or three years old.
Parental influence on children's mental health and personal responsibility
00:08:20
Speaker
I was a baby, we were always a toddler. Okay, I think it's probably quite common when couples separate that parents, although they may have the best intentions of keeping their own personal disputes out of
00:08:36
Speaker
their child's life it must be incredibly difficult to do that and people are human and they slip even the best of them but then if yeah if you've got that kind of antagonistic relationship that must be very difficult to be in the middle of yeah i you know i i also even though i think he has it is everything has an impact right
00:09:04
Speaker
And of course, like parents, we are doing the best we can with what we know, with what we have, you know, it's not to blame on any parent, of course. And I also know, and I believe this is the truth, that we also leave those moments the way we need to leave them. And it's on us to be responsible to make the best out of them. And of course, like when we were children or teenagers, it may feel like
00:09:32
Speaker
life is not fair or like why is all of this happening? But I do do believe now as an adult that has deal with, you know, anxiety for most of my life, that just taking ownership and responsibility of those emotions and it's starting to dig in and find that path. Yeah, totally. Yeah. Well, I want you to talk us through how you found that path eventually. But can you first just
00:10:01
Speaker
talk a little bit about how the anxiety, well we know how the anxiety started, but how did you first realise that you were suffering with something? How did the anxiety show itself to you and when? How old were you?
00:10:17
Speaker
I was, I remember I was 14 years old. I was still in high school. It was, I don't know how it is in, in the UK, but was, I think like two years before finishing a high school, my parents actually had made this decision of changing
00:10:41
Speaker
my school, like at that time when we are getting kind of closer to graduation. And so my entire friends were somewhere else. I came into this new school, you know, people that big disruption. Yeah, totally. And social life for teenagers. It's very important.
00:11:02
Speaker
You know, so important, so important. And I was just constantly I remember I was just constantly just writing letters to my old friends. It was also a school for like, let's say it was like more of a high end private school, where there were families with a lot more money than my family. So there were some like, the social disparities. And when the school bus was going to drop me off, like, children will make comments about I mean, like,
00:11:31
Speaker
Teams like my my classmates will make comments about oh, where do I leave and I know like all those things just continuously just work triple down my under my skin.
00:11:44
Speaker
I'm also a woman who has loved sports. You know, like I have done every sport I could possibly do. And bullies are bullies. You know, like there were kids that were bullying me because I will be stronger than other boys from my class. You know, like it feels like that change of school, all this new environment with kids that were not necessarily
00:12:09
Speaker
that friendly. I do remember that completely like the other school was like more welcoming. And this one was like, kind of like you need to fit in to your thing.
00:12:20
Speaker
Yeah, so that's a huge disruption. Did you start to feel symptoms, physical symptoms of anxiety then? Absolutely, even though I didn't recognize them as anxiety. But that year, I remember like at age 14, I had to go to the hospital a couple of times because my stomach will hurt so much, you know, like it was constantly
00:12:45
Speaker
they're feeling this pain in my stomach. And then when they made some testing, they found out I had gastritis. So they prescribed, you know, some drugs for it and to help with the acid, acidic gastric fluids, et cetera. But also like they had to do like more deep studies and through endoscopies, they found I had this ulcer. Amazing. How long did they think it had been there at that point? I don't remember. They told me that.
00:13:14
Speaker
Because I guess an ulcer develops gradually, so you must have been experiencing these symptoms for some time? Probably. Probably. I was also, you know, in my family just recognized by
00:13:28
Speaker
crying a lot, you know, and I will cry and my families, some of them will be like, Oh, well, you know, just crying again, like it was not a big deal. It's right. And I think that was one of those symptoms of the anxiety, like not knowing how to really express how I was feeling, I will just shut down and cry.
00:13:48
Speaker
Right. And I actually did that since I was a kid. I do remember that vividly, like just crying was a really important symptom of my anxiety. You know, like I will just get so frustrated that I couldn't express those emotions that I will just cry for no apparent reason. You know, I would cry for like the smallest things, but they were not as you know, like there was a pain there that I didn't know how to identify or how to express.
Acknowledging and seeking therapy as a teenager
00:14:14
Speaker
But then the gastritis was
00:14:16
Speaker
the most physical consequence. Yeah. So that actually was your body saying, we can't ignore this anymore. We've got to do something about this, right? Exactly. That was the first major call my body had for me. Yeah. And had you asked anybody for help or tried to explain that things were not right for you before these physical symptoms began?
00:14:42
Speaker
Absolutely no. I had no idea. In fact, I actually learned or not learned, but realized that what I had was called anxiety a few years ago, right? So as a teenage, I really didn't know. My mom actually was trying to help me, but then the relationship was
00:15:02
Speaker
between us was not necessarily easy either. I wasn't on a part of my life when everything that my mom tried to say was, oh my gosh, it was like she wanted to put me in a box. I was trying to go out with friends and she didn't like my friends. I was doing, I don't know,
00:15:21
Speaker
I get it. It feels like, right? As the mom of a teenager right now, and for any parents of teenagers listening, I know they're all nodding now and going, yeah, totally, totally understand why you couldn't talk to your mom and your mom couldn't talk to you. Yeah, exactly. So my mom was constantly saying like, hey, like, do you want to go to therapy to talk about this? But I also let me like, let me be very honest, too. It's like she will put it like,
00:15:49
Speaker
go to therapy. So you talk to your problems about your mom, you know, you have serious issues with your mom. So you go, you know, it was not necessarily very appealing, you know, but not to blame. Of course, it's like, at some point, I did accept that that helped from her.
00:16:07
Speaker
You know, but I remember at first it was like, oh, right. Like I have problems. You don't have any problems. You know, it was not necessarily like the easiest transition and to really understand that you needed a space for, to work all of what was happening inside of me. And it probably took me like five more years.
00:16:30
Speaker
you know, for when I was like on my twenties that I actually decided myself that I wanted to go to therapy and I talked to my mom and I say, mom, I think I want to do this. Would you think there is a timing issue and you just have to be ready to talk? Well, any work that you would do in terms of mental health requires
00:16:59
Speaker
a decision. You need to be ready to accept help for sure. Like if you decide to go to therapy because your parents tell you blah, blah, blah, you want, you are not going to talk about what's really going through your mind. You're probably just going to say things that are not even true.
00:17:17
Speaker
I have no idea. It is so important that we make that decision. It's like when the person is so sick of being fat and finally decides to go for a run and be consistent with exercising and drop the cookie and the burger. A decision is important. We need to know we are ready, even though we don't know how it's going to look like.
00:17:43
Speaker
Yeah, totally. Whatever health decisions, well, anything in your life, you have to feel comfortable with that decision before you get the most out of your plan of action. Do you think, though, that as teenagers,
00:17:57
Speaker
It's actually really, really difficult to put into words, A, how you're feeling and B, what you need to get out there. I think you kind of have to be quite mature and educated to even contemplate therapy. Yes. Yes. I, let me see, like I'm just trying to picture in my head, for example, the friends that I had in, in school.
00:18:26
Speaker
even like we will hang out in the hallway that led into the, into the counselor's office. And when somebody will go into that room, like we will actually not see it as something good. It's like, you know, oh, you know, she has a problem and she has to talk about it. So just being, we don't want to feel exposed, right? Yeah, well, there's a stigma, I think amongst kids on the teenagers who have to go and have that.
00:18:54
Speaker
that support, like they're special, they're different, therefore we don't hang out with them. Is that, was that how it was then? Absolutely. It was very stigmatized and
00:19:07
Speaker
So therefore, again, just talking about those emotions was not necessarily the topic of conversation for us. I do remember I had really good friends that we will just like at least be able to talk in a genuine way and not be judged. And these friends also were positive raw models, you know, they wouldn't
00:19:32
Speaker
lead me into trouble, you know, like we were not like consuming drugs or, you know, doing other type of activities that were actually making things worse. It was really more like friends that I loved spending time with and they actually are my friends today, you know, it's the best friends
00:19:49
Speaker
in life. That's so good. Good. So I think really like finding positive environments where there is good friends, even those good friends may not know the answer, a space where you as a teenage can, you know, express your emotions. I think that's helpful.
Resources and inspiration for teenagers dealing with anxiety
00:20:08
Speaker
Yeah, totally. So what would you say to those kids that do need to get some extra support but are feeling stigmatized and don't want to do it because of how their peers might see it? How would you help them get past that concern? The first thing that came to my mind, I was trying to just
00:20:33
Speaker
think on what would I do back then as a teenage if I didn't want it to get stigmatized? Probably not necessarily talk to my immediate network. There is a fine line because it's also important to be safe, but there is a lot of resources online.
00:20:57
Speaker
find lots of really important conferences in TED Talks. Go to sources that have more clean information. Google has a portal to all the good and bad as well. Yeah, it is. But I love a good TED Talk, as you say. There's nothing bad in a TED Talk.
00:21:17
Speaker
So that was one of the my beginnings in really finding what was the type of information that actually clicked with me. I started to listen to conferences, to audiobooks,
00:21:30
Speaker
to self-help books, even like I remember I had a lot of stigma and bias towards self-help literature, right? Like with my friends, like it will be in the store just shopping and there were like fashion magazines and there were like self-help books right next to them. Of course, we'll get the
00:21:51
Speaker
fashion magazine. And I remember there were some times that I was like, Oh, this sounds interesting, but I wouldn't necessarily get it in front of my friends. But you know, like if there is anything that this teenage that knows needs some type of help,
00:22:07
Speaker
even just get a good audiobook if you don't like to read, listen to conferences, because those are actually really helpful. I do remember how much eye opening it was for me. And one of the things that I enjoy the most, I think it was like this understanding that there was a way out, that it was so simple.
00:22:32
Speaker
Tell me about that. Was that like a dawning realization? What happened to make you realize that you could actually get past this? Well, just actually after years of just watching coaches, mentors, speakers talk about the topic and their own personal experience, and they were all talking at the time when they were already past that darkness. At some point they realized, like,
00:23:02
Speaker
Wait a minute. I am listening to them. I'm looking for inspiration. I'm looking for an answer for what I'm feeling now. But then at some point, I started to ask a different question. And it's like, wait, but how did they do it? And then I changed it to, wait, if they were able to do it, then I can do it too. It's also a decision. We go through different phases of realization. And at some point, I was like, wait a minute.
00:23:28
Speaker
if anybody else can do it, why can I not? I am going to start doing what I need to do. So I then reached out for help. Also, now I was not like in therapy, then I reached out to to my coach, to my wellness coach. I also have a wellness coach. Okay, right. Yeah. So I mean, that's a that's a therapy of a kind as well, isn't it? Because it's just keeping you focusing on the things
00:23:54
Speaker
that you need to do for your own mental wellbeing. Tell us about different strategies that you've used then to get on top of your anxiety. Is that the right way to say it? I don't even know. I think so. I think it's a perfect right to say it, to manage it, to cope with it, to alleviate it, because we have wonderful days and then there are some days that it's like, okay, this is, and I think it happens to all of us, but for people who,
00:24:23
Speaker
understand that we're actually anxious, let's say, overall, these days can be very daunting to the point that we will drop important things. I feel like anxiety is not as just regular stress, as anxiety is not as regular bad day of an average person, let's say. Anxiety actually makes you feel, makes you make
00:24:46
Speaker
decisions that will actually throw away months of work, right? Oh, no, I totally get it. I literally this week just posted on Instagram about how I've had days in the past, but I've had days where I felt so drained and exhausted and not able to contemplate any of my plans that I've shut myself in front of Netflix on the sofa in the living room with a box of chocolates.
Cultural pressures and emotional acknowledgment in mental wellness
00:25:16
Speaker
and eaten the whole damn thing and then felt terrible afterwards because of all the things I didn't do that I wanted to do that day. And I said, you know, it's totally normal to have those days. It's what you do about those days that is either destructive or productive. That's right. I'm a wellness coach.
00:25:40
Speaker
That's a really good insight about it because at the end of the day is what we do with those bad days and we can let it continue spiral down because it's not about not having it. But then once we are aware, we may not be aware at the beginning, but then we are actually aware that we are having a bad day. What do we do with it? What do we decide? Do we decide to
00:26:10
Speaker
after chocolate go get ice cream and call the friend that is you know the negative nancy friend that is you know you're just gonna go to this path of complaining and talking about negative stuff yeah or are you going to talk to this person that is your rock and support that's gonna tell you you're okay you're gonna make it happen and yeah
00:26:33
Speaker
Yeah and change it slightly because I think that's what I did eventually after the chocolate instead of the ice cream and then the wine and everything else that comes with a day when I've decided that I'm going to wallow in how bad my day is. I went for a walk and that totally shifted
00:26:52
Speaker
the direction of the rest of my day so i just said to myself the reason for that instagram post was really to tell myself next time i need to just remember that walk a bit earlier in the day rather than going for the chocolate but actually what you were saying about just a minute ago really struck with me that it's actually okay
00:27:14
Speaker
to have those bad days because I used to berate myself when I woke up in that mood. I used to tell myself off. I used to think of myself as less than other people because I was feeling like that and really couldn't cope with the prospect of something productive, of work, of seeing someone. I used to really give myself a hard time for it and actually, as you say,
00:27:40
Speaker
you know everyone has those days and if you have anxiety you're going to have those days worse than other people and that's all right.
00:27:48
Speaker
Yes, absolutely. And there is a reason for why do we take it so hard on us. You know, we live in a culture of success. We live in a culture of being competitive. You know, we constantly need to demonstrate we are doing something productive. Productivity became a huge word. So if you're not doing something productive, then you're seeing as a lazy person, then you're our lazy mother.
00:28:15
Speaker
Oh, I don't want to be a lazy mother. I'm a terrible mother. You know, like, I feel like the culture around us, and that's why I'm so passionate about talking about this topic is because yes, it's not about becoming, let's say, quote unquote, let's find a better word, but lazy or unproductive, or I think we are all in some way, we are all always looking for ways to be ourselves and get the best out of ourselves. Right. Yeah.
00:28:43
Speaker
culturally, I feel like I am going to call myself out because I catch myself in that moment, sometimes with people around me when they were trying to express emotions with them of overwhelmed. I remember this, I don't know if I'm going off topic, but this friend from work came to my office in tears to talk about the burden of all of the things that she was going through and
00:29:13
Speaker
I was of course busy, it was probably not a great moment for me anyways, but I was like, wait a minute, no, like it's okay. You know, I remember in my head, it was like, no, you need to be, you know, you need to make this happen. You are strong. I was trying to kind of like push her to, no, no, no, no, no, don't cry. It is okay. Get up and running. We can do this, right? Instead of actually acknowledging what was happening and that it is okay to sit down,
00:29:42
Speaker
an hour and talk, have water, take a walk, just, you know, be productive in that emotion too. It's like not taking it down to the darkness. But yeah, let's unwind a little bit. Let's slow down. Let's take two steps back. What's happening? Be more like listening to this friend who was in tears in front of me. You know, I didn't allow that to happen. And now I am like, yes,
00:30:09
Speaker
And then we don't allow that to happen to ourselves, right? Yes, absolutely. Yeah. Well, you said a really good word there, I thought, that you have to acknowledge how you're feeling. Because actually, how you're feeling is really important and true. And if you don't acknowledge it, then you feel ignored and unheard even by yourself.
00:30:31
Speaker
and listen to me, I'm being the expert here, when you're the expert, but I feel this so strongly. And I grew up with a mum, she was brilliant, but my mum, anytime I was, and we do it with our kids, anytime they're hurt, okay, they will just distract you, everything's fine, you don't need to cry. And then we move on to, oh, you're crying, well, you know, cheer up, let's find something to cheer you up. And there is no, it's very difficult to sit down with someone and say,
00:30:59
Speaker
Gosh, I can see that you're really upset. Right. I acknowledge that that is okay. It's okay to be really upset. Exactly. And then you move on, and then you find the thing that will move you away from the distress.
Expressing emotions and healing from anxiety
00:31:13
Speaker
But you have to acknowledge the distress first. Yes, and for any teenage who is listening to this,
00:31:19
Speaker
what I will definitely say or just because it was what really helped me is if we feel we need to let it out in some way, definitely you know your friends. So you go to those that you know are going to be at least good listeners and are not going to ask you to get distracted with a party or with something that's not necessarily the best way to.
00:31:44
Speaker
or to cheer up or to, you know, it's not such a big deal, cheer up, get over it, you know? Yeah, another thing that I do do is even today, I started back then, and it was just writing, writing how I felt.
00:32:01
Speaker
Some of those writings I still have, some of those writings I actually burned them down because it was like those type of things that I wanted to let go. So there's rituals. You don't feel like you can talk to anybody about it.
00:32:15
Speaker
The whole experience of writing it down is letting it out. And when you burn that, when you throw it into the trash, when you put it, you know, downstream in the river, so don't pollute the river. I'm sorry, that's a terrible example. But when you literally just burn it down, you're also manifesting this letting go, you know, that letting go of those dark emotions is also so uplifting and it brings a benefit to you physically. Yeah.
00:32:44
Speaker
It's really weird how just writing everything down can be so therapeutic and I can see teenagers rolling their eyes. My daughter would say that journaling was just totally unnecessary and not needed but actually if you're scared or worried or stressed or anxious about something just writing it down is a good
00:33:04
Speaker
it physically allows you to let it go a little bit. It's so strange, but it really works. I hear you. Just because now we have walked the path, that was also a realisation that I understood probably not too long ago. And it was like, right, it's like,
00:33:24
Speaker
When we start, even today, like when I'm going to start something new, you know, I'm about to launch my own business in all the work that I'm doing. I'm, oh my gosh, this doesn't feel.
00:33:35
Speaker
like it's going anywhere. I don't have any clients coming through my door. I don't see any benefits of all of the work that I'm doing and I'm doing all of the right things. I'm going to trainings and I'm building these funnels and I'm building this and I'm networking and I'm doing and I don't feel anything is happening but I know it's happening. You know like I know it's happening let's say tomorrow. At the beginning it feels like you don't really
00:34:03
Speaker
enjoy the benefits of the readings, the podcasts, the conferences, the writing, but it's like a seed. We need to think about this process as a, let's say, I like to think about it as a seed when you plant it in the ground and you start putting some water in it. You don't see anything happen yet, but underneath the air, you know, you keep putting water in it and the water is
00:34:31
Speaker
the readings, talking to your positive network, listening to those audio books and writing, and you keep putting water and water with consistency, then the seed sprouts roots.
00:34:43
Speaker
And you still don't see it. And then you keep putting water and the sun comes and it's like you're nurturing the seed. And eventually something's, you know, like you see this little leaf that's coming through the air and it's like, oh, it's so tiny. I still don't necessarily feel the benefit of it. It's like I can see something's happening, but I still feel like, ah, it's...
00:35:04
Speaker
I'm doing all this work for this tiny little thing. And then what happens, like it's just like, in a moment, when you keep with consistency, this little thing just becomes this huge tree that's providing you with shade and fruits and beautiful flowers in the spring. And we need to think about it as a process.
00:35:26
Speaker
Yeah, I'm just loving that image you're creating. I'm just smiling away to myself and thinking I want to be under that tree. But it's true. It is. It's an investment in yourself at an early stage that it takes time. It took time to get to the point where you had a gastric ulcer because of anxiety, I'm thinking. So it's going to take time to get to the point where you feel balanced and calm again. Absolutely. Absolutely.
00:35:54
Speaker
And as you mentioned earlier, acknowledging where we're at, it is important too. You know, Oh my goodness. You know, we all have different types of personality, but I'm always like, I want to see happenings. I want to see everything. I want to see the results today. I constantly have to remind myself, it is a process. Yes. Step one more time.
00:36:21
Speaker
you are going to get there, you know? Yeah, it's quite a hard thing, isn't it, to remind yourself, even as an adult, what do you say to a teenager who's impatient for results and actually has a whole lot of other priorities?
Overcoming health crises and lifestyle changes
00:36:35
Speaker
I will say that you're not alone, because that was probably the biggest thing that I felt as a teenager in my early 20s.
00:36:49
Speaker
I felt very lonely in this emotion, in this... that I didn't even know how to call it back then, but I just felt very lonely. I felt like I didn't belong. And isolated. And isolated, that's the perfect word as well. So I will say to them, you're not alone. And I'm not telling that as a cliche word, it's the truth.
00:37:18
Speaker
Keep, again, they keep stepping one more time. I remember also there was another second major moment on my physical health when I was in college. I have a very similar time to, I think, when I got diagnosed, ulcerative gastritis.
00:37:37
Speaker
Then in college, I was working part time and it was a student full time. Again, there was a lot of like social pressure in school that I wanted to keep up with friends and parties and things that actually today I'm not even friends of any of those folks that I was trying to keep up with.
00:37:58
Speaker
But I wanted to belong to this group of friends that were the cool kids of the class. Oh my goodness, it's not worth it. You know who your friends are. You know who your friends are. So don't try to be somebody else. Oh gosh, I love that advice. That is just the best line on all of these podcast recordings. It's
00:38:22
Speaker
don't try to be somebody that you're not. I love that. It is so true because like hanging out where you put your attention then you keep getting more and more of that. I was trying to hang out with this group of people that I didn't like and it was there was some sort of energy there that it was always so with a lot of tension but I kept I end up doing my all the work for school with them so I end up in this terrible group
00:38:47
Speaker
that was so toxic. And then I was studying, I was working, I was trying to keep up with them. And the stress was high to the moon. And at the end of that year, I actually crashed in the hospital. It was really the most serious experience that I've had because
00:39:10
Speaker
then I realized later on what I learned is that that amount of stress that I was carrying all the time, the lack of nutrition because I was eating poorly, barely sleeping. So I was able to keep up with work, class, friends, et cetera, and procrastinating a lot anyways. Just my- So what happened at the hospital? What made you go to the hospital? Exactly. So all of that, you know, that lowers your defenses, you know, when you're in stress, your defenses go low.
00:39:40
Speaker
The poor nutrition.
00:39:41
Speaker
created a constipation that the two combined just gave me a terrible infection. And this infection just like because I was not sure I thought it was the gastritis, you know, because it was this pain in my in my gut. I thought it was a regular gastritis. I it took me a while before I actually went to the hospital. And I almost died. The infection was in a really bad moment. And they were able to cut it, you know, to get it on time. It got
00:40:11
Speaker
tons of antibiotics, I was like two weeks in the hospital, and they were going to operate me of one thing the one day, another thing the other day, because they didn't really know what was happening. And after all the tests, and after all the doctors that went through my room, they told me you were stressed. And I was like, wow, I was like, what?
00:40:35
Speaker
This doesn't make real sense to me. How am I going to end up in the hospital because of stress? That would make no sense to me. So I think it's quite well known that stress can cause physical symptoms like stomach pains, like headaches, like muscle tension.
00:40:57
Speaker
But I didn't know that it could actually cause an infection. Exactly. And then when I learned, when the doctors were explaining to me, and now that I'm a wellness coach and I do a lot of research into like what health, you know, into healthy stuff, you know, when you're in anger, when you're in sadness, when you are in constraint, or when you get frustrated, you know, our differences go down. And we are living those emotions for one day.
00:41:27
Speaker
for two weeks, for three months. Just imagine what's happening inside of your body, right? So your defense system, which is the shield that we have to the outside world and to bacteria and all of those things is not there anymore. So the smallest things can affect us deeply, you know? So I got, you know, also it was the combination, not eating right, so not drinking water at all. And also I was
00:41:56
Speaker
smoking this group of friends, right? I was the social smoker with them because I was so silly, you know, I didn't, I didn't want it to be long there, but I still wanted to be there for some reason. So I was, I was doing all of the wrong things. So not eating well, just combining with the low differences. And then it was just a ball. Yeah, yeah. Amazing. Gosh, I
00:42:21
Speaker
That's, it makes so much sense. Now you've described it that way. I understand completely why you can get seriously, seriously ill just from stress. And that's why no matter what age you are, but especially if you're very young, because that's the start of it, you need to get a handle on it.
Advice for parents on supporting anxious children
00:42:39
Speaker
So Lorena, what would you say to moms or dads who have a child who's struggling with some form of anxiety or stress?
00:42:50
Speaker
and realises that they might need some input to help with that. But it's possibly the parent of a teenager who really doesn't want their parents' help. What would you say to that parent?
00:43:04
Speaker
That is actually the hard question of the day for me. I think about my mom back then. I didn't want to help from her anyways. I ended up accepting it at some point. One of the things that I will say is, if you know your child needs help, be resourceful.
00:43:28
Speaker
For, you know, for good references, because there is good there's wonderful therapists and there is terrible therapists. So 1 with the 1st thing I will say is really dig deep and amongst your network ask for people who have experienced and work with therapists that are good in your area and, you know, just.
00:43:48
Speaker
generally try to just offer that to your child the best way you can. My mom did, and it didn't work at first. And then I end up saying, mom, I'm ready. I think I need this, right? So it may not be comfortable and it may end up in a discussion about whatever, but you're planting the seed. Remember, I always liked that concept is you're planting it, you're putting it in the table, saying for whatever you need it, it's going to be there. It's like we parents, you know, like, oh, well,
00:44:17
Speaker
I may be upset with my four-year-old sometimes because he's like, oh my goodness, can you listen to me? But I'm here for her. I know that, you know, we're parents. I feel like it's like if my child comes and she asks me for something, I'm like, yeah, that's... Yeah, you're ready then.
00:44:34
Speaker
Yeah, just put it on the table, let them know that they're not alone, and that you are willing to walk with them, because you love them so much, you know, for them of options. I will also say, I don't know how much of a relationship they may have with friends of their kids. But one of my mentors and coaches actually, she talked to one of
00:45:01
Speaker
her daughter's friends. Like, hey, you know, I feel there's something going on. Like, if you can just like, don't tell me anything, because it's not like getting into the relationship trying to get information from their friends. But it's more like, if you can just like, support her a little bit. I think, you know, my daughter is not going through a good moment because they listen to their friends dearly more than they do parents. So that was totally an advice that a friend of mine who's a mentor, she gave that advice to me.
00:45:31
Speaker
And what else would I say to a parent is, be the light in the road we need to do. Like our children, for instance, they never do whatever we tell them to do. They do what they see us do. And there is a lot of subconsciousness behind it.
00:45:50
Speaker
we may not realize it but parents are our biggest heroes you know today even today when i look back i'm like oh my goodness i end up doing everything my parents have done in life my dad is a community organizer my mom is an educator and everything i actually do as a professional woman it goes around communities and education it's unbelievable
00:46:17
Speaker
And my mom has had this anxiety all her life. And I'm like, oh my God. It's like we just walk our parents steps. We need to be the light. So we need to start for our own. Do you want to be a healthy parent to accept yourself?
00:46:33
Speaker
and show them the way. Are you telling them to eat whatever? Hey, how are you eating at home? What are you reading? What are the TV programs that you're watching anyways? What are the positive, you know, you need to be the light. That is the biggest thing I will definitely say. Even though it's not easy, you know, we're always trying to find what's, what it is the thing that it is our purpose.
00:46:58
Speaker
I get it totally. Well, I'd call it role modelling, isn't it? But if you can't make your child listen to what you think they should do, which let's face it is a non-starter in most parents and teenagers, you can
00:47:17
Speaker
show them that you're doing what's right for you as a person and getting help when you need it and taking time out for yourself to do things that are happy and fun and relaxing and not and this is really hard but not showing them that you're constantly stressed and you're constantly busy and you're constantly trying to pack too many things into your schedule
00:47:42
Speaker
actually get a grip on your own life, first of all. It's easier said than done, but it's definitely worth remembering, especially if your child's not listening to you. Absolutely. The raw model is that
00:47:58
Speaker
It's demonstrating how it is possible to, right? And even if you parent, you know, like if we as a parent, I do it with my four year old and I feel like sometimes it's like, it doesn't make a lot of sense, but I know it does make sense just because I have been doing so much work into
Modeling healthy emotional expression for children
00:48:17
Speaker
it. And like some days I sit down and I talk to her and I say, sweetie,
00:48:22
Speaker
I really apologize. I feel like I have, you know, being kind of like just like cranky and very upset all day. I feel this, you know, I am feeling, I think I'm feeling a stress. I feel like the house is not done. And I just describe to her how am I feeling? You know, like I'm like, I want to make things happen. I want to clean this room. But you but you keep throwing things in the room. And that's why I feel sad. You know, like,
00:48:48
Speaker
And the conversations with her are not likely, of course, like an adult. But I have noticed that these times when I talk to her, sometimes she gets back to me and say, hey, mom, you know, I picked up the rooms, the toys.
00:49:02
Speaker
right in the room next door for you. And I did this little thing like, are you feeling better now? And I'm like, oh, she's listening. Yeah. And do you think that maybe does she ever tell you how she's feeling when she's being angry and difficult? Or is she too young yet? Yeah, she tells me and she uses the same words that I use.
00:49:23
Speaker
and and then i'm like well she's really repeating what i'm saying and and i do try to well she's feeling something similar i try to help but yes she's definitely
00:49:34
Speaker
expressing herself and she puts her angry face, they are a lot more exaggerated probably, or maybe not, maybe that's my angry face when I'm like upset, but she's like, and my brother, he came and she did this to me and I am so upset and she will go like this and I'm like, yes, I think I get you. It's not fun that your little brother comes and takes your thoughts away from you.
00:50:00
Speaker
Yeah, I love that you're demonstrating talking about how you feel and that being the reason for your behavior. I think it's really important and teenagers as well really don't often talk about how they feel. They just talk about what they want and what's making them unhappy, not how they feel about that and why they feel that way about it. And so that's a really good tip.
Podcast closing and invitation to connect
00:50:28
Speaker
Be the light. I love that. Be the light.
00:50:30
Speaker
We've got to be polite for sure. So Lorena, if people want to find you, I know you're setting up your own wellness coaching website soon, which we can add to the show notes as and when that's ready. Where can people find you if they want more from you on these fantastic tips?
00:50:50
Speaker
Right now, I am definitely mostly on Facebook. Yeah, it's like, I'm not a social media guru. So I don't have like all those accounts, Instagram, whatever. But Facebook, I think most moms are on Facebook. So I think that Facebook's fine. Wonderful. Yeah, right. Because it's like, when it was my time for social media, Facebook was the only thing around. I stick with it.
00:51:15
Speaker
Me too, so where are you on Facebook? It's Loreno Salazar Maturano. Oh my goodness, it should be shorter too.
00:51:24
Speaker
Okay, well, I will put the link in the show notes. So when you finish listening, just drop down into the show notes and you'll find the link. We'll put it there. Exactly. I'll get some nice nickname for next time. But yes, I'm on Facebook and I'm just like posting when my next workshops are going to be or like I do group coaching. Yeah. And I do one-on-one coaching. I also do have a
00:51:49
Speaker
And this is more like an affiliate thing, but I use this online platform with exercises that is just so wonderful. And one of the accountability groups that I run with mothers is around fitness. We exercise, we work on nutrition, because again, it's like the body. We need to have a strong body in a strong healthy mind. It goes together so much.
00:52:14
Speaker
Yeah, yeah. Well, as you've said, your mental health landed you in hospital twice and nearly killed you. So that's actually such a revelation for me and another big reason to take care of mental health and not push it to one side for later.
00:52:31
Speaker
Exactly. So that's pretty much what I do. So I have, yes, like group coaching, some of that around fitness and nutrition, but also if the person is not necessarily that much into exercising anyways, I do a lot of like one-on-one coaching and just like general group coaching. And I just, I just love it. And the focus I actually have is for moms. And the reason I loved the topic when you were putting out the call for a speaker is because now that I am a mother,
00:52:59
Speaker
you know, that has deal with anxiety. You know, I work with moms with anxiety in particular because I know
00:53:07
Speaker
we make such an impact in our children's health and mental health. It is not perfect, but then as you are better, as your anxiety decreases, your stress decreases, your energy increases and your child is going to get the best out of you instead of what is left. So that's why I'm so passionate about working especially with moms and especially with moms with anxiety.
00:53:33
Speaker
Yeah, perfect. I love that. And Lorena was telling me that she's going to be working more with moms with anxiety and maybe setting up her own podcast. So as and when that happens, we'll add the links. That would be amazing. Lorena, thank you so much for joining me today. This has been such a great chat. And I think
00:53:50
Speaker
There might be quite a lot of moms out there right now thinking, hmm, I need to sort out my own stress levels as well as my child. So thank you for being a guest. Thank you for the invite, Helen. This has been such a wonderful experience. I love it. Fantastic. Thank you so much for listening. If you like the podcast, please hit the subscribe button. And if you think this episode might help someone else that you know,
00:54:19
Speaker
please do share it with them. There are lots more episodes of the Teenage Kicks podcast. Do have a browse and see if I've covered anything else you might find useful. And if you have a suggestion of something you'd like to see talked about on the podcast, please do email me on teenagekickspodcast at gmail.com or send me a message on Instagram or Twitter at I am Helen Wills.
00:54:45
Speaker
I love to hear from my listeners and I'm always keen to hear how I can help more families cope with what can be some of the most complicated, but also the most wonderful years of parenting. Bye for now and see you next week!