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189. From Grief to Peace: Caregiving and Transformation with Kimberly L. Byers
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Kimberly Byers is the CEO of ByHers Peace of Mind, LLC. A company empowering clients to find PEACE in their over-burden lives! Ms. Kim is an Author, Transformational Speaker/Coach, and Mentor, who influences clients to find better ways to regain clarity and commitment to self-care! This 28-year Army Retired senior Non-Commissioned Officer has been interviewed by local radio stations on how she balances her busy life and still makes time for others. As a Senior Non-Commissioned Officer in the Army, she has had her share of dealing with crisis/trauma, including hurt, pain, and loss. All of this is why she focuses on adversity with her clients. Adversity can become challenging when you are unsure how to handle life's mishaps. My job is to show additional ways to get moving again in life, where you pull up, push out, and begin to live again.
Breakdown Synopsis for Show Notes In this episode, Kendra Rinaldi sits down with Kimberly Byers, the CEO of By Hers Peace of Mind LLC, to discuss her journey from grief to peace. Kimberly is a transformational speaker, coach, mentor, and author of the book "From Grief to Peace." Join us as we delve into:
- Introduction: Meet Kimberly Byers and learn about her diverse roles and achievements.
- Background: Kimberly shares her upbringing, family dynamics, and how her childhood shaped her journey.
- Personal Loss: The impact of losing her mother and brother, and how it transformed her life.
- Industry Insights: Kimberly talks about her company, By Hers Peace of Mind LLC, and how it helps clients find peace.
- Grief Journey: The seven steps that helped Kimberly navigate her grief and find peace, including seeking professional help, journaling, and understanding that it's okay to not be okay.
- Family Connections: Heartwarming stories of Kimberly's son feeling the presence of his grandmother and how they maintain a connection with her spirit.
- Transformation and Advice: How Kimberly's life has transformed since her mother's passing, and her advice for others experiencing grief.
Tune in to hear Kimberly Byers' inspiring story and discover the steps she took to transform her grief into peace.
Contact Kendra Rinaldi to be a guest on the podcast https://www.griefgratitudeandthegrayinbetween.com/book-online
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Transcript
Challenges of Caregiving
00:00:01
Speaker
When you're a caregiver, there's a lot of things that go through your head. What could you do different? How can you help them? um You don't want to ah feel like you're clingy or smothering that person. So a lot of times I just kind of gave my mom space and let her tell me what she needed. If she needed something different to eat, or she wanted something different to eat, or she wanted to go on a trip, I sent my mom, aunt, and my mom's best friend on a trip to the Bahamas.
00:00:31
Speaker
And I sent them out for five days to go to the Bahamas because she needed that. She needed that break.
Introduction to Kimberly Byers and Her Journey
00:00:48
Speaker
This podcast is about exploring the grief that occurs at different times in our lives in which we have had major changes and
00:01:04
Speaker
I created this podcast for people to feel a little less hopeless and alone in their own grief process as they hear the stories of others who have had similar
00:01:27
Speaker
I am chatting with Kimberly Byers. She is the CEO of Byher's Peace of Mind LLC. It is a company that empowers clients to find peace in their own burdened lives. She is an author, a transformational speaker, coach, and mentor, and I cannot wait too for you guys to hear more about her story. The book that she recently wrote is titled From Grief to Peace. And I am happy to have you on the podcast, Kimberly. Welcome. Good day, Kendra. Thank you so much for having me. I really appreciate this opportunity to speak to you a little bit about myself and about my book and and who I serve. So thank you for having me.
00:02:15
Speaker
I am happy you're here. Kimberly, take us a little bit more into your own life, your upbringing. Where did you grow up? Your family nucleus growing up. And that way we can go from there into sharing the story about your dear mother Valerie and go from
Family Dynamics and Loss
00:02:33
Speaker
there. Absolutely. So I was born in Michigan, in Detroit, Michigan. And um I actually lived there until I'm about four years old.
00:02:43
Speaker
And then my mom married a gentleman in the Navy and we went to California and that's where I actually grew up and joined the military from there. I have um five siblings. Well, it's five of us, three two sisters and two brothers. One of my brothers that I wrote about in the book passed away in 2020. And then, um yeah, so it's just us. It's just the girls and my younger brother now, but we enjoy the life that we have that my mom created for us. um I visit with my dad who is um in Missouri. So I visit with him every now and again. And then my siblings and I just got together for my sister's 60th birthday. We went to New York. So yeah, I like i like family. I love family. I love hanging out with family and doing things with my family.
00:03:35
Speaker
And for a lot of us that have that type of dynamic with our families, we think everybody does that, but it's not the case. Not everybody has those type of dynamics. So we must call ourselves lucky to that to we have that.
00:03:49
Speaker
So how have your family dynamics changed since your mother is passing with you as siblings? Because a lot of times when someone passes away, especially a matriarch of a family usually is, in a lot of families, the one that kind of keeps the family together. Have any of these gatherings of the Now four of you changed because of that? Yeah, it has changed. So my mom lived here in the house with my son and I, and I have a 19 year old son um that's off doing his thing. But, um you know, it has changed a lot because my mom and my son were very close. Of course, my mom and I were very close and my siblings would come here to visit my mom.
00:04:33
Speaker
and she would go visit wherever they were. And so with the changes, the visiting has ceased, but we try to still keep it intact by keeping in touch with one another. We do our Sunday calls, which we all used to do those, which were a lot of fun. But we still do them now with my dad and my sisters and some of my nieces and nephews sometimes like to join in. So that's always exciting. And, um you know,
00:04:58
Speaker
with With saying that, my mom was such an amazing person. She never let things bother her. if she did If she did, you wouldn't know it unless she told you. So she kept that a lot to herself. But when the the day she was diagnosed with cancer, that's when you know we all kind of like, what?
00:05:19
Speaker
what What is going on? you know What happened? And so that right there pulled that tie back in a little bit tighter. And you know she made sure that we all got together, talked about talked about the diagnosis, talked about the treatment, how we were going to support her going forward to different um treatment facilities that she had to go to. And we just tag team. We tag team and stay tight. you know That is so important, especially because if she lived with you primarily, then you were the primary caretaker. And so having your siblings support in that journey as she was ill must have been so important for you in that in that place. So take us into that a little bit about her diagnosis. What type of cancer did she have and how many years of treatment did she go through before her passing?
Mother's Cancer Journey and Challenges
00:06:14
Speaker
Absolutely. So in 2012, in the October of 2012 is when she was first diagnosed. And I was on my way. I was still in the military at the time. I was on my way down to Fort Eustis, Virginia, which is about three and a half hours from where I currently live. And um she said, well, I have something to tell you. And she said, I think I have cancer. And I was like,
00:06:38
Speaker
Why would you think that? you know She said, well, I was in the middle of a physical, and when the doctor touched my breast, she said there was lumps found on the right side of her breast. and She asked her, did you did you um feel these before? My mom was like, no, I didn't notice them before. She says, well, I want to get you in for a biopsy. They did the biopsy, and then in November,
00:07:01
Speaker
That's when they came back and said it was in fat cancer. um The doctor had come out after he removed the lumps. And he asked me, had I ever noticed them before? And I was like, no. Why would I notice that? you know so it interesting So he said, no, I'm only asking because they were so large. That's why he asked me. And I said, no, I never noticed them. And he said, and I want to make sure that I get it all. So, you know, the markers, they put the markers in there and they make sure they get all the area in the right side of the breast because my mom didn't want a mastectomy. So they got as much as they could.
00:07:37
Speaker
And then they ran her back through the PET scan to to see if she would light up again. And indeed she did light up again. So they had to put her back in there and go further out of the circumference of her breast to get the rest of the margins of cancer. And um then she started treatment. She started treatment in January of 2013. So she was diagnosed with triple negative breast cancer.
00:08:02
Speaker
which is a very rare type of breast cancer. And it's a lot of times they find it in women of color. So um knowing that the treatment was going to be very aggressive with my mom, they were going to use three different cocktails is what they call them of chemotherapy in order to treat her.
00:08:21
Speaker
And so with doing that, they did that for an entire um six months. And then they went back and sent her back to the machine again to see if there was any more um cancer that she, they needed to get six more months. She went through some more treatment and um in.
00:08:38
Speaker
June of 2014, I retired from the military down in Fort Eustis. During that time, I had my mom down there with me every two weeks. I was getting her from up here, taking her down to um Fort Eustis from up here in Fredericksburg and taking her down there so she could recover for two weeks before her next treatment.
00:09:00
Speaker
and um in June of 2014, when I retired, I said, okay, mom, I'm going to move back up to Fredericksburg to be closer to you. I'm going to get a house. We're going to live in this house and we're going, which I'm currently in, and we're going to continue your treatment.
00:09:17
Speaker
Well, in 2014, which is August 4th, I started my new job with the government after I retired. The same day we went in for a PET scan and my mom actually lit up again, but she lit up in other parts of her body. It was in her clavicle. She lit up in the back of her neck. Some other parts of her, um, her abdomen had lit up. So again, we had to go back in, start more treatment, more chemotherapy. And, um,
00:09:47
Speaker
into, now we're a year in of her diagnosed October 2014. We're two years in October, um yeah, October 14th of 2014. We were two years in from her diagnosis. um We were thinking, okay, mom, what do you want to do? Do you want to continue the same path of treatment or do you want to do something else?
Balancing Caregiving and Self-Care
00:10:12
Speaker
And she said, i I'm ready for a a second opinion.
00:10:16
Speaker
So in 2015, what month was it? March, we headed over to the Cancer Treatment Center in Philadelphia. So we went up there, had her scan, had her treated. And of course they said that the cancer had spread it into parts of her um the base of her brain. So they wanted to do more chemotherapy and include radiation as a form of therapy for her. So yeah.
00:10:46
Speaker
Yeah, that cancer is something that happens to the patient, but also happens to the family, being somebody that is a, my mom died of cancer as well. but i Sorry to hear that.
00:10:57
Speaker
yeah yeah the The journey is such a new mom's case was long. She passed away in 2018. So I was right. It was a long journey of treatment, radiation, doing this, and then you as a caregiver. So for you, your role then during those years, I know you're, as you said, your mom was really close to your son. Was it knitting or crocheting that she taught him? Remind me.
00:11:26
Speaker
My mom taught my son to sew. She taught him how to sew. Okay. To sew. Okay. So as I was like, wait, was it crocheting? Okay. Sewing. Nevermind. Sewing. Something else with the thing. I was like, when I read a lot of books that things kind of get all ah jumbled. I just realized even with, I just finished another ah episode. I'm like, wait, i I asked her something about the seven stages or seven steps, but actually she had five because the seven steps was your book.
00:11:52
Speaker
I'm like, wait, I'm getting all confused. That's okay. That it is okay. So Kimberly, the the these years, I'm going to see, so two thousand so that's five five years of that moment of since diagnosis to pass? From diagnosis to 18, right? Yes. What did you do for yourself in that journey oh you know as a caretaker? Yeah, that's funny that you asked that, Kendra.
00:12:21
Speaker
you know When you're a caregiver, there's a lot of things that go through your head. What could you do different? How can you help them? um You don't want to ah feel like you're a clingy or smothering that person. So a lot of times I just kind of gave my mom space and let her tell me what she needed. If she needed something different to eat or she wanted something different to eat or she wanted to go on a trip, I sent my mom aunt and my mom's best friend on a trip to the Bahamas.
00:12:53
Speaker
And I sent them out for five days to go to the Bahamas because she needed that. She needed that break. And then I also kept in constant contact with my siblings to let them know that they need to call more often. They need to come visit more often. And the reason being is because my mom had, um had what is it? When they had brain fall from the treatment, from the chemotherapy.
00:13:17
Speaker
And then she was getting brain fog from the- Like memory loss? Like a little bit of memory loss. Yeah, memory loss. Right. From the radiation. So I was telling them, you need to call often. And they said, oh, we're calling. I said, well, mama needs you to call more often because she asked me, have you spoken to Gloria? Have you spoken to Crystal? When's the last time Terrence called? You know, I haven't seen my kids lately. She'll say stuff like that, you know? And that that was very hard to hear because I'm thinking they're calling and checking.
00:13:45
Speaker
But in turn, what was going on, she wasn't remembering. So they were telling like dementia, like a little bit of dementia happening. and that right wow So, but then here you're still telling me of what you were doing for her. What were you doing for yourself in order to fuel yourself and fill your cup in order to have somewhere to give from?
00:14:09
Speaker
Um, I would, I would rest. I would ask for my other siblings to come in and spend some time with my mom so I could take a break. Um, I was journaling. I journal a lot while my mom was going through the treatment and I asked her, Hey mom, can I write about you? Can I journal about you? Just so I'll know what it is that you're feeling at that time. But that helped me to better support her. Like when she needed to get it, um, she wanted her hair cut because the hair was coming out.
00:14:39
Speaker
And she asked me, she said, do you know any beauticians? And I said, well, I do. She said, someone you trust. That's the first thing she said, someone you trust that will do my cut my hair the way I want it. I was like, yes. And this is the same one that would do my hair. So that to me was a good thing because we went together. We did these things together. And just talking to her, sitting with her, um meditating for me, going to church, talking to other ah family members that were not only experienced something, some sort of loss with their parents or you know spouse through cancer, but I also got with a team from the church and also from the community that was dealing with loss in the community, especially when it comes down to cancer. Because you just never know, everyone's cancer is so different.
00:15:30
Speaker
you know when you When you think about cancer, my dad had cancer. He had prostate cancer. Before my mom was ever diagnosed, before we knew anything about my mom, my dad was the the one that was diagnosed, and we all freaked out. But my dad assured us, oh, I'm going to be fine. This is operable, da-da-da-da, right? Then all of a sudden, my mom comes up with cancer, and it's like, what? you know Not my mom. you know My dad is this guy, tough guy, da-da-da-da-da. And I would talk to him about it. What can I do? What do I do different to you?
00:16:00
Speaker
to sustain myself. He said, get rest, research. And that was the biggest thing for me. I did a lot of research on these different types of cancer with my family. And um you know in my book, I write about my aunt, uncle, and my brother and the different cancers they had because they were all different. The treatment was different. The support was different. They all lived in different states. It was, oh my goodness, it was it was ah it was interesting. It was a journey.
00:16:29
Speaker
But I never, I can honestly say that I didn't get tired, Kendra. I never got tired of listening, talking, researching, and making sure that even though I felt like I wasn't being drained, my aunt is the one that brought it to my attention that I was being drained. So, and her husband is the one that passed away also from cancer, my uncle Dan. So, um talking to her and she didn't know. He was already in the later stages when she found out.
00:16:57
Speaker
and so i I think about when you ask that question, what all did I do? And that's what I did. I did research. I talked to my family a lot. I talked to my mom a lot. I made sure I spent time with my son because I didn't want him to think that he was being left out.
00:17:14
Speaker
you know um So yeah, I did a lot of that. I did a lot of that. Some of the things that you did are similar to then what you did afterwards in your grief journey then as well. Cause you, you mentioned some of that. So let's go into these seven steps that helped you get from grief to peace.
Grieving Process and Setting Boundaries
00:17:35
Speaker
And we're going to, then you can dive into each one. So let's start with the first one. Understand that it's okay to not be okay. Talk about that one. Chandra, that's a big thing because if you think about it,
00:17:49
Speaker
When your mom passed away, everybody wanted to know how you were doing, right? They wanted to know were you OK? And the majority of the time you would tell them, yeah, I'm good. I'm OK. I'm OK. I'll be fine, right? That's what you were saying. But in the back of your mind, you were saying to yourself, you are not OK. Stop telling people that you're OK. And finally, that's what clicked for me. I had to stop telling people that I was OK. I would tell them I'm not OK. It's going to take me some time.
00:18:19
Speaker
Grief is a process and I'm glad that you're checking on me, but it's going to take time and I need to go through this. So that's why I say it's okay to not be okay. And it's okay to share that you're not okay. One thing is being and then being honest, because if we don't, if we're not vulnerable with those around us, then how do we get the community and support that we need in that time? So that is huge that you would actually also say it, not just feel it, but say it.
00:18:48
Speaker
Absolutely. Number two is, and you're, are you okay with me going through all these seven? Of course people are going to have to read the book to get deeper into each of them. but you yeah okay yeah So number two is setting boundaries. What kind of boundaries did you set during your grief journey?
00:19:08
Speaker
So I have a huge support group, but everybody wanted to spend time with me at the same time. I couldn't handle it. It was too much.
00:19:18
Speaker
So I had to set boundaries and say, hey, at this time ah and in the day, in the morning, please don't call me because I'm probably resting, taking care of business, doing what I need to do. In the evening time, please don't call me after, after nine o'clock because at that point I'm trying to get my son settled. I need to rest. I need to get prepared for the next day. And that the preparation was not for me. It was really for my son and also just taking care of things that I needed to take care of. Like everybody's,
00:19:47
Speaker
ask A lot of people ask me, I won't say everybody, but a lot of people ask me, well, when are you going to go through your mom's room? When are you going to, you know, go through her stuff? When are you going to go through her storage? I'm thinking to myself, I hadn't even thought about that. So those boundaries in that moment. Exactly. So I set boundaries with that. I had to because I'm like, people wanted to go in her room and look through her stuff and and go through her storage. And I'm like, we're not doing that.
00:20:14
Speaker
We're not doing that. That is something that my siblings and I will do when we're ready, not when you feel we need to go through that, like my family members and stuff like that. and I'm like, yeah. So I had to put boundaries in place, not only with um things in the home, but also with my son, asking him questions and stuff like that. Don't ask him questions. He's 12 years old. Don't ask him a thing when it comes to my mom.
00:20:38
Speaker
if you want to ask him how he's doing and stuff like that, but don't question him about what's happening in the household because that's not your business. Those are really clear boundaries, basically. i Don't letting people know when they've crossed the line, he is like but also already being clear if by chance, but ah you know even before they even attempt to cross the line because you've already set certain boundaries.
00:21:03
Speaker
Now, number three is allow time for
Redefining Life After Loss
00:21:07
Speaker
yourself. Now, what were some of the things you did for yourself in your morning process? Um, so in my morning process, I actually took a trip to, um, Maine and I spent five days in Maine. I hung out on the beach. I, uh, meditated, I walked around.
00:21:30
Speaker
Um, I played cards, dominoes. I met some people out there and it was, it was good for me. I took a ferry boat ride. Um, I did a lot of self-searching because with the day that my mom passed away that day, um, I didn't break down, but when I got to, when we came back from the hospital and we came back to the house, I asked my aunt, what am I supposed to do now? Because I have nobody.
00:21:59
Speaker
to take care of anymore, and I felt that was my calling to take care of people. And um in the process of that, and it still makes me tear up, in the process of that, I kept, my my son didn't come in the picture, if you know what I mean. So I had to kind of regroup, get myself together, um and just take care of me. I mean, i I started going to the gym, I started working out, I started, um really redefining what did I want to do for Kim. I worked. I mean, I have a full-time job, but I didn't want to go to work. It's hard to be in that space when everybody knows your mom. ah ah Everybody knew my mom. Everybody liked my mom because my mom used to come to all of the events that we had, the Christmas parties, the
00:22:49
Speaker
whatever event we were having, I would always, my my mom was always my plus one. I was just going to say. I it so go my plus one so um i had to really define myself about what I wanted to talk about. What was I ready to talk about? and And taking myself out of the picture by going on these little short trips to redefine myself. And that's really what drove me to to get to my business. you know I have to be able to help others.
00:23:19
Speaker
get through this process after I get through it myself, because you never get over it. You never get over it, but you can get through it. that is That is such a clear, ah the the that word, and I've heard it before, and that's how I feel about grief. and You can get through it and you you navigate through it, but yeah, you know it's never over. The self-care then is tied in a little bit of this aspect of also taking time for you, because time is one of these things that you used for your self-care, but were there other things that you did for self-care aside from traveling?
00:23:56
Speaker
but did you you know yeah i got meditat i I started getting massages, I started getting my nails and toes done, ah doing all the things that I used to do before my mom was diagnosed. um I ah started going back and getting my hair done again. um started ah really just getting out there riding my motorcycle more. um that was Wait a minute. did I did not know you're a biker girl. i know I do ride and I do that more often now. And I love it because it's freedom for me to just be out, even though my mom would never ride the on the bike, she would sit on it, but she would never ride on it. But I knew that
00:24:41
Speaker
That's my little guardian angel. So I knew she was riding with me, even though she wasn't on the bike. So I am always cautious, but I knew that I loved it. I enjoyed it. And she always encouraged me and show me little stuff, you know, and I'm like, this is what I'm going to do. So i I ride a lot. I ride a lot more. I ride to work. I ride in the neighborhood. I ride just to ride any, to just go anywhere. I'm not even doing anything. I just get on it and I just.
00:25:05
Speaker
Make sure I have a full tank of gas. I hit my music. I put my helmet and my gear on and I'm out. Because it's so many things that you're experiencing in that moment. Not only are you on a bike, you're doing something, right? You're moving. One, you're having wind coming to you. That's a nature. You experiencing the best music that you're you know listening to. Music is huge in in our process right of healing. It can have a huge impact on our mood. And you're in nature. it's like a whole bunch of stuff built into just one activity that already helps to bring you peace and bring you joy in that in that moment.
Physical Self-Care and Motivation
00:25:44
Speaker
so so greatly Great, great. Now, in the aspect of staying physical and hydrated, what type of movement then would you do and in order to kind of move grief through you?
00:26:01
Speaker
So, um, a lot of times when I go to the gym, I do a lot of weights, right? I do a lot of weightlifting. Um, I even incorporated a trainer now. So my trainer actually helps me to do a lot of the stuff that I do, because even though the process continues and you know, the, less it lessens the, the overall pain, the steel, the feeling of that grief can, can rear up at any point, right? So sometimes when I'm at the gym,
00:26:29
Speaker
And I'm, I'm stretching or I'm exercising and I, and I would tell my, my trainer, my mom just blew in. She was like, what? I said, my mom just blew in. She said, she did. I was like, yeah. She said, Oh, wow. And she doesn't say anything cause she knows I'll, I'll just get quiet. And, um, I'll sit there and I'll keep stretching and I'll do everything that I need to do. And then when I'm starting to work out, she can see the intense of me working out. And that's just me.
00:26:55
Speaker
taking care of my body because that was some, one of the, that was not some, there's multiple things my mom said, but that was one of the things my mom said to me, please take care of you. Please take care of you. She said that multiple times. And I promised her that I would without, you know, worrying about so many things that I have no control over. And that's the thing, release the control because you don't have control over it. Release it.
00:27:22
Speaker
You have no control and not a part of control. which you you said you did a lot of reach research and stuff, and also you know finding out about all the things that you could do. That was the things that were in your control, right? So so this here, it was not. Now, in when you say your mom blew in, was it a memory of her, a thought of her, or did you sense that you you feel can feel her. I can feel her in me. And it just, it's like a cold, I get a cold breeze when my mom blows over me.
00:27:54
Speaker
But when she's coming into me, I can feel and smell her. So yeah. I was i just had written below ah in order to remind myself to ask you about how you connect
Maintaining Connection with Lost Loved Ones
00:28:07
Speaker
with her. So let's take a parenthesis before we move on to the other two steps and tell us since we're talking about that, what other ways do you still keep that connection with her? I continue to talk to my mom about things that I that i have question about. so um Let's take for instance, I have a an event coming up, right? But the event has been postponed. And I talked to my mom about the event being postponed and in all the things that were happening. I felt like it was a closed door. Like that location, that venue was not the right space. And also it wasn't the right time. So we've pushed it forward. And it was like, I could hear my mom telling me that that was good. I'm glad that you did that because it wasn't the right time.
00:28:52
Speaker
it wasn't the right space. Or in the middle of the night, sometimes when I'm laying, I could feel, my mom used to grab my feet and just like, so it not to startle me because, you know, sometimes you could startle somebody and they like really freak out, but she would startle me by just grabbing my feet and calling me. So I hear my mom and I can hear her and I can feel her touch my feet. I know it's weird, but I i do. I can feel her touch my feet if I'm sleeping or if I'm having, um an episode at night where I'm not, um I'm in a deep sleep, where but I need to wake up out of it. Whatever's going on, she would touch my feet and call me, and I could hear her clearly.
00:29:33
Speaker
calling me Kim, or she calls me Slim. Slim is my nickname for my mom. My mom. Oh, you've got, you've got, wait, you've got a, but that's like a biker girl with, it's like Kim Slim. You got like a rapper name or a DJ name. you It's like Slim Kim. Yeah. But that's what my mom always called me. She always called me Slim. Cute. Yeah. So I knew that was her letting me know that she's still around here. I know she's,
00:30:01
Speaker
She's an angel for somebody. She's a guardian angel for somebody, especially my son. you know But um I always think about hearing her voice or smelling her um and just knowing that she's she's still around. She's still around me. you know No matter where I go, she's still going to be there. That is so special. And now that's how you keep connected with her. And now you mentioned your son. So sewing is something she taught him. And again, I don't want to forget the other two ones. so on but again there's the how does how What has he told you? How old is he now? 19. So he was 12 when she died. How does he then still connect with her and what has he told you? Does is like does he still sew? Yes. he he still He knows how to sew. He's into cars. He's always been into cars. He's always shared that with my mom, but he shared that with my brother. Him and my brother, that's how they connected with cars.
00:31:00
Speaker
So when it comes to my mom, my mom visits him when he is going through turmoil. um And I know that she is that angel for him because when he used to sit in school, he used to struggle with math. My mom was very good at math. She taught him a lot about math and how to get through the math, the process. But even though she taught him her process that she knew, when he would go to school and do it, he would get the right answer. But they asked him, how did you get that answer? And he said,
00:31:28
Speaker
My grandma showed me. My grandma taught me. My grandma told me this is the way to do it. And they would tell him, well, you got to show your work. And she said, well, what does that mean? Show your work. Why am I showing my work if I know how to do it, right? They would go back and forth with this. And so one day when he was in school, after my mom passed away, and and a again, this makes me very emotional, he was doing something in class. He turned around. My mom was sitting in the back of the classroom.
00:31:55
Speaker
And then he came home one day from school. I wasn't home yet. And he said, my mom was in the hallway when he came out of his room standing in front of her door. Her door was not open because he was afraid to go in there. So I kept the door closed, but he even said she was standing there watching him. And he was like, my, ah my grandma came to visit me. I said, she did. I said, what were you doing?
00:32:22
Speaker
He was like, well, the first time she came and visited me in class, and um i was I was not doing good in class. I was not doing something I was supposed to be doing, and she you know was getting after me. And then when she was at home, he said he said he was running up and down the stairway, hollering and stuff, because I wasn't home. So he was hollering, running up and down the stairs, slapping the ceiling and stuff, because he was growing. And she told him to stop. You are going to get in trouble, because your mom is going to see those hand marks on the ceiling if you keep doing that. And sure enough, yeah.
00:32:52
Speaker
So he told me she stopped him from doing that. And besides that, she didn't want him to get hurt because think about you running up and down the stairs and you coming back down the stairs. He always, he never wanted to put his slippers on. He always wanted to wear socks. He would always slide down the stairs with his socks and she had to stop him from doing that. And this is, it's like, wow, you know?
00:33:10
Speaker
I love, I love first off that he shared with you, but he probably shared with you because you yourself have been open with him about your own experiences. Is that correct? If you're connecting yeah yeah now, something that I feel a lot of us.
00:33:28
Speaker
disregard and especially in children, like when they say that they're, so they're seeing somebody's like, Oh no, you're probably imagining it or things like that. And we disregard what they are actually physically seeing or seeing and feeling.
00:33:43
Speaker
it makes them then doubt that their emotions are real. And so that dynamic that you have in that relationship with you and your son and validating what he is feeling and seeing and connecting with your mother is just very special and so important for us as parents to remember. because Just because maybe we don't have that, some of us don't some of us will don't see the other person you know a person that's passed, we may sense it. But we don't know how others may experience that connection. So do not invalid invalidate someone else's journey and their connection with whoever's passed away is very important. So thank you for that reminder, Kimberly. You're welcome. Or Slim Kim. and yeah Now, I don't know what to call you, Kimberly.
00:34:38
Speaker
The artist formerly known as Kimberly is now Slim Kim. um you No, Kimberly, the other two are journaling and then seeking professional help. Talk about those two other steps in your grief to peace
Healing Through Journaling and Therapy
00:34:57
Speaker
process. I will. So journaling has always been a thing that I like doing. I used to doodle a lot, right?
00:35:03
Speaker
But one time I remember I had a napkin, and I just started writing on the napkin what was happening, what happened that day. And I was talking to my mom about it, and she was like, what are you doing? I said, I'm writing about what happened today. She's like, really? I was like, yes. She's like, OK. Then she saw me doing it often. She saw me doing it a lot. She finally bought me a journal.
00:35:25
Speaker
And she handed it to me. She said, I want you to use this to start writing instead of a napkin because a napkin, you may forget balling up and throw it away. And I, and I showed her that I used to fold them up and put them in a Ziploc bag, or I would put them somewhere where I would have them. And she's like, you kept them. And I said, I did. She said, well, now you can transfer them to the journal. I said, no, it's not the same because I put the date and time on the napkin. And I always do that when I journal, I put the date and the time. So. Taking it out of off the napkin or into the journal would not be the same because I i would miss days. So at that point, that's when I started journaling and journaling to me is very refreshing because it allows you to really get stuff out of your head that you've been keeping inside and into it is hard to sort.
00:36:11
Speaker
If you take it out and you put it in a book, my thing is if you can write about it, you can get through it. If you can talk about it, you can write about it. That's what creates those memories, those books, those things that people, other people can utilize to very much heal themselves. And so journaling to me is very important. And then um the seeking professional help.
00:36:33
Speaker
Sometimes when you're in grief mode or you're grieving to the point where you lose yourself, I've had family friends that have said that they grieve so much. They're so hard that they want to go where the person is. Now, my family, I'm going to be honest with you Kendra, my family thought that I wanted to die with my mom. I was heartbroken. Don't get me wrong. I really thought to myself that this was going to be the hardest thing for me.
00:37:02
Speaker
to ever go through, and it has been. But um wanting to die with my mom, no. I miss her. I do. I miss her a lot. But I didn't want to go where she was going at the time because it wasn't my time. And she knew. Oh, like she would say, no. Home. That's what she said. I want to go home. It wasn't time for me to go home. And I knew that based on the conversation that she and I had. She said, you have a lot of work to do. You have a lot of things you are you have yet to do.
00:37:31
Speaker
So but I was heartbroken and they thought that the heartbreak was going to take me out. But I i said, you know, I thank you for for feeling that way. I thank you for acknowledging that they that may be the case with me, but it's not. So I um sought after professional help with with a therapist and um that has been actually helpful in my healing, in my going through the process as well. And, you know, what's sad about it, she also lost her mom.
00:38:00
Speaker
a year after I lost my mom. So it was just, yeah. Yeah. Well, that's, that's amazing that your therapist also shared that with you because a lot of times they, they may not share like a grief coach yet, like it's a, the which is what I do, but sometimes with therapists, they probably just keep it be. So that's good that you had, you knew she could empathize in, in that way, but I'm sorry for, for her going through that as well.
Finding Purpose in Helping Others
00:38:28
Speaker
Now, Kimberly, in this then journey of you going through grief, how then has your life now transformed in what it is you're doing since your mom's passing? So since my mom's passing, my life has been very fulfilling, I would say, because I'm able to talk to others that have been going through grief or gone through grief and in a different way, meaning that I don't want them to stop living.
00:38:57
Speaker
That's one of the things that I tell them, I want you to push up, I want you to pull out, and I want you to keep living. Because your family member would not want you to stop at that point. They want you to keep living. They want you to continue on with your journey. Their journey is gone. Their journey is over. They are now at home. They're resting in peace. But we are still here to fight the good fight, do the things that we need to do, and continue this journey going going forward.
00:39:26
Speaker
And we need to remember that. So that's what I do with my clients, my potential clients, and anyone else that's hearing me, um don't stop fighting for your journey. Your purpose in life is not over and you still have more to do.
00:39:44
Speaker
Well, that sounds like the perfect finishing like sentence, but I always usually ask, is there something I have not asked you that you want to make sure that you share with the listeners before we share how they can get ahold of you? Absolutely. I want the listeners to know that grief is process. Don't let anyone rush you. Don't let anyone tell you how you're supposed to grieve.
00:40:08
Speaker
And remember that grieving is not a form of um disgrace or it's a form of something um bad that you are doing because some people think that if you grieve for somebody that's passed away, that's wrong. You shouldn't cry. You shouldn't do this. They're wrong. They're wrong. That's just their feeling about it. But you have your own and you need to do it your way. Don't do it other people's way. Do it your way.
00:40:34
Speaker
Do it your way. And then to get grief. Oh my gosh, now I just got grief into peace. No, grief, grief to peace. I just messed up on the title of yeah your book. Yes. Grief almost had me. Peace brought me out. The seven steps to overcome or to get through grief, right? so Thank you. I'm like, thank you. How can people get the book and how can they get ahold of you?
00:40:59
Speaker
Absolutely, so there are two ways to get the book. You can go on Amazon and get the book, of course, but I would like for you to get it from me. Go to my website at www.journeytofindingpeace.com or you can go to my other website because this is the one where you'll see everything that I do for you and can do for you. It's www.buyhers.com. That is B-Y-H-E-R-S-P-O-M dot.com.
00:41:27
Speaker
or on all social media platforms at I Am Kim Buyers, B-Y-E-R-S, all together. Perfect, and I'll make sure to have all those links to be able to add them below so that people can go click and find you. Thank you so much, Kimberly. Again, this was Kimberly Buyers on our podcast. Thank thank you, Kim.
00:41:53
Speaker
Thank you again so much for choosing to listen today. I hope that you can take away a few nuggets from today's episode that can bring you comfort in your times of grief. If so, it would mean so much to me if you would rate and comment on this episode. And if you feel inspired in some way to share it with someone who may need to hear this, please do so.
00:42:22
Speaker
Also, if you or someone you know has a story of grief and gratitude that should be shared so that others can be inspired as well, please reach out to me. And thanks once again for tuning into Grief Gratitude and the Gray in Between podcast. Have a beautiful day.