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197. Healing, Mindfulness, and Honoring Loved Ones with Reshma Kearney
55 Plays1 month ago
Reshma Kearney is a trauma-informed mindfulness and healing guide dedicated to empowering individuals navigating grief and mental health challenges. After losing her husband to suicide in 2022, Reshma became a solo parent to three young children and turned to mindfulness as a grounding tool to help her family move forward with resilience. Drawing from her personal journey, she now guides others through loss and emotional challenges with compassion and practical mindfulness tools. Through her mindful healing circles, 1:1 support, and advocacy work, Reshma creates space for healing, connection, and growth. Her mission is to remind others to give themselves grace, ask for help, and to just keep going.
Instagram: reshmakearney
Show Highlights:
- Reshma's Journey Through Grief: Reshma Kearney reflects on becoming a solo parent after the loss of her husband, Sean, to suicide in 2022, and her courageous path of healing and resilience.
- Leaning on Family and Staying Grounded: A moving account of how her parents and brother became her backbone of support, and her decision to prioritize her children's stability by staying in Washington for the school year despite challenges.
- Mindfulness as a Healing Tool: Insight into how Reshma and her children naturally turned to mindfulness practices developed during COVID, which became essential in their grief journey.
- Reconnecting Through Shared Activities: How Reshma and her children stay connected to Sean by continuing the outdoor activities and routines he loved, including their emotional journey back to skiing as a family.
- Advocacy and Awareness: Reshma’s decision to return to social media during May Mental Health Awareness Month to share her family’s story, raising compassion for those navigating mental health struggles, and honoring Sean's memory.
- Messages of Grace and Self-Care: Reshma encourages others to treat themselves with kindness, seek support, and embrace self-care, emphasizing that these are essential for a journey of healing and hope.
Contact Kendra Rinaldi to be a guest on the podcast
https://www.griefgratitudeandthegrayinbetween.com/book-online
Recommended
Transcript
Living with Mental Health Challenges
00:00:01
Speaker
It wasn't always pretty, and I'm not going to pretend like it was. When you... and you live with someone who has mental health challenges, it's difficult.
00:00:12
Speaker
And um but his core was good. And I know that he loved us and we loved him. And i don't want him to be defined by his struggles. Nobody should be defined by their struggles.
00:00:28
Speaker
And I think the minute we all accept that and acknowledge it, people will feel less alone in sharing about what they're going through.
00:00:43
Speaker
Hello, and welcome to Grief, Gratitude, and the Gray in Between podcast. This podcast is about exploring the grief that occurs at different times in our lives in which we have had major changes and transitions that literally shake us to the core and make us experience grief.
Purpose of the Podcast
00:01:06
Speaker
I created this podcast for people to feel a little less hopeless and alone in their own grief process as they hear the stories of others who have had similar journeys.
00:01:18
Speaker
I'm Kendra Rinaldi, your host.
Introducing Raish Makarni
00:01:20
Speaker
Now, let's dive right in to today's episode.
00:01:26
Speaker
Welcome to today's episode. Today, i am chatting with Raish Makarni. She is trauma-informed mindfulness and healing guide dedicated to empowering individuals navigating grief and mental health challenges.
00:01:41
Speaker
She lost her husband, Sean, to suicide in 2022 and became a solo parent with three young children.
Stigma of Mental Health and Suicide
00:01:50
Speaker
And we will be chatting, of course, a little bit about the circumstances around Sean's passing, but primarily more her life now as a solo parent and all the things she's doing to just bring awareness as well as just how to keep on this journey without your person and still honoring them as you live on. So welcome, Reishma.
00:02:17
Speaker
Thank you, Kendra. I'm happy to be here. Thank you for hopping on and for sharing this. it's It's not easy to talk about subjects like grief.
00:02:31
Speaker
And one of the ones that probably has the most stigma is talking about death by suicide. And coming on this podcast, we will not be talking necessarily about the too many of the details themselves. So for those of you that are listening, you can know that in case that is something that brings anything up for you and your emotions.
00:02:52
Speaker
But it is still very important to talk about this and stop leaving it as this taboo subject because it is honestly... ah something that if we don't talk about, it's not much different than talking about somebody with mental health or somebody with cancer or somebody with this, yet we just put the stigma around death by suicide.
Raishma's Background and Family Life
00:03:15
Speaker
So thank you for coming on and and talking about that. So let's start with just a lighter way of introducing yourself. Tell us about you, where you live, where did you grow up?
00:03:27
Speaker
um I currently live in Irvine, Orange County, California, and I grew up in Illinois, but between that part of my life and today, I've been all over. um I went to graduate school in Atlanta. I got a master's in public health at Emory and I was working at the Centers for Disease Control. And that's when i met Sean. He was in medical school at the time in Connecticut and he came down to the CDC for a fellowship in public health.
00:04:00
Speaker
So we met, he was also in the army. And after I finished my fellowship and he graduated from medical school, We got married and moved to Washington State together.
00:04:14
Speaker
He did his residency there and we oldest had our oldest son. um And then soon after moved to the East Coast.
00:04:26
Speaker
And we spent seven years in North Carolina, and a couple years in Augusta, Georgia, before moving back to the Seattle area um after he separated from the Army after 16 years.
00:04:41
Speaker
And that's where forever was supposed to begin. That was in 2022, just shortly before he passed away. Shortly before he passed away. So in 2022, you were, which by the way, we've lived in a lot of the same places, a couple of the same places.
00:04:56
Speaker
Three states that you mentioned I've lived in. i love to see those little like nuances and coincidences. So the, when, when he ah died then in, was he in Seattle or had you already moved to California at that point?
00:05:14
Speaker
we were We were in the Seattle area. So we were in Bellevue and he had separated from the army at the end of 2021. And this was also just months after he returned from Syria, which was his third deployment overseas.
Impact of Sean's Mental Health
00:05:28
Speaker
And at the beginning of 2022, he moved, he went ahead and moved to Washington state to start um practice with a private orthopedic group. And the kids and I stayed in Georgia throughout that school year.
00:05:43
Speaker
So we were reunited in the summer 2022. it was just in September, just few months that he his own life. in september just a few months later that he took his own life
00:05:58
Speaker
Were the circumstances of his death or the reasoning behind his suicide, did they have to do with him having served, having been overseas, or did was there a mental health component that was even years prior to him being serving the army?
00:06:18
Speaker
yeah So, you know, when he died, it it was a shock. I never would have guessed that he would have gone to that extreme.
00:06:29
Speaker
um But as I processed what happened, i i realized that maybe I wasn't surprised that he didn't want to be in the world anymore. He had been struggling with depression and anxiety for almost the entirety of our marriage, but in varying degrees. And To answer your question, i do believe that his time in the army and his deployments had something to do with it and attributed to his mental health.
00:07:00
Speaker
But I think it also just goes back to much further than his military career. I think that his childhood wasn't the healthiest. He had parents who split up and not in a very you know amicable way. um He had some separation with family members And then medical school, the army deployments, three children. Yeah, away from you guys. You were basically ah solo parent for a good part of your marriage itself.
00:07:31
Speaker
Yeah, exactly. um He was, you know, he missed the first six months of our middle child's life. um ah There were many times where...
00:07:42
Speaker
I had like emergency room visits with my oldest while Sean was overseas, and he's FaceTiming with us while we're in the emergency room. I mean, there was just a lot that happened. And the two years before he passed away, we had COVID. We were you know in the height of the pandemic.
00:08:02
Speaker
A few months after that, we moved from North Carolina to Augusta. A few months after that move, he was deployed. came back from deployment. he was he separate He chose to separate from the army at 16 years.
Single Parenting and Grief
00:08:16
Speaker
So a lot happened in two years on top of what happened in the years of his whole life. And i think a lot of it, I don't even know about to this day.
00:08:28
Speaker
and And think he never processed it. I know he never processed it. you know um Every year we had some cycle that he went through and I served as his therapist and I wanted to do that and I wanted to be there for him. But when he would come out of that darkness, I would use that time to remind him that he really needed to get professional help.
00:08:51
Speaker
Um, and he just never felt comfortable or safe enough to do that. Unfortunately. How was that role as a wife and also then being, playing the therapist, you know, being, being in that role of a therapist to your spouse, how was that for you?
00:09:13
Speaker
Cause that's taking on a lot of emotions as well. Yeah, it's hard. It's a hard balance. And, you know, we sometimes treat our family worse than our friends, you know, because,
00:09:27
Speaker
We're just very safe and comfortable with our family. And I can't say that I did it perfectly. And I can't say that I was always always the most patient wife.
00:09:39
Speaker
um Over time, it started to wear on me. And then you throw in three kids who also have emotional needs and they're watching what's going on with dad. And so I have to help dad, support dad.
00:09:55
Speaker
help the kids, support the kids, explain to them. I mean, they, they understood his depression, anxiety before he took his life. You know, they watched it, they saw it and I had to be open with them and explain to him them that his behavior was not a reflection of them or their value in his world.
00:10:16
Speaker
um So it, it, it was difficult.
00:10:21
Speaker
So this is September 2022. You're in Seattle. He dies. What happens after that? what what How long did you stay in Seattle and did you have a community because you've been moving so much did you have a community around you when he died to support you and the kids emotionally and just even so even um it what was I going to say with just the logistically even because there's so many logistics that have to take place yeah um
00:11:04
Speaker
Yeah, we had just moved there ah that summer. So the kids had just started school three weeks, not even three weeks before he passed away.
00:11:16
Speaker
i only had a small group of friends because our youngest had celebrated her birthday just the week prior. So we had a birthday party for her six days, five days before he passed away. And i met families that way.
00:11:33
Speaker
i had I have a cousin in Tacoma, so that he he was an hour away. So he's who i he's the first person who came after the police department and you know different people.
00:11:46
Speaker
um He was the first family member to come. But I'm really blessed because I have parents and a brother who are my world and super supportive. And they flew up from California immediately and they were there and they came throughout the following nine months because they chose to stay until the kids finished their school year.
00:12:12
Speaker
And i was encouraged not to do that by family and friends, but I couldn't pull that We had just left Georgia and then they lost their dad and they had started to kind of settle in and I just couldn't pull them out again.
Mindfulness and Coping
00:12:30
Speaker
And so we just made it.
00:12:32
Speaker
We just made it. And when I look back on those nine months, I don't know how I did it. I don't even recognize that person anymore um who just pushed through for nine months every day and got her family out here to be, i live a mile away from my parents now.
00:12:54
Speaker
Okay. So your parents from, so even though you grew up in Illinois, they had already moved to California. That's how you ended up then afterwards. Yeah. ah california The fact that you followed your instincts and stayed in order to give them that stability,
00:13:11
Speaker
I think it's so wise because i know i know you probably look back and it's like, why did I do that? or Or who was that person that did that? But there's so much change already that had occurred in their lives with their dad passing that moving again could have created even more instability and more grief because you know that there's grief even in every single move that you've done, right? In every single transition and and such. So...
00:13:41
Speaker
that That was amazing that you followed that instinct. So you pushed through as you were raising them here and and in a new area for you, for you all, without Sean there to support you, without a family that lived there, even though they were there, you know, helping you.
00:14:01
Speaker
as you mentioned, you don't even recognize that version of yourself. What type of tools did you use then that helped you kind of go through that, kind of plow through? Well, at first I didn't use any tools. I think um most widows with children can relate when I say I went into fight or flight mode. I just dropped everything for myself.
00:14:28
Speaker
to be able to get my kids as close to a normal life again as possible. um But over time, noticed that it was just not doing anybody any good because here I am trying to create this safe, healthy space for my children to heal in but I'm pouring negative, resentful energy into it, tired energy into it.
00:14:54
Speaker
um But I then began to lean into mindfulness practices that the children and I had already built into our lives years before Sean passed away.
00:15:06
Speaker
During COVID, actually, we started to incorporate things like movement and mindfulness, nature um into our days at home while we were homeschooling during the quarantine days.
00:15:19
Speaker
And i just turned back to those practices because I realized that I couldn't show up for them if I wasn't showing up for myself.
00:15:31
Speaker
And so it started with, you know, instead of walking them to school and immediately rushing back to my computer and my phone, I made myself walk for 20 minutes.
00:15:44
Speaker
And during that time, I would call my dad or my mom and I would talk to them, just run through the things I had been doing and the things I had gotten done. and then slowly I got back to the gym, you know, I got back to journaling in the morning with ah with my tea.
00:16:01
Speaker
And then i but I think the biggest thing that I had to allow myself to do was to ask people for help and to reach out to people and to allow people to come over and bring me that casserole or, you know, or the bag of cookies. Yeah, 18th casserole in a week. Yeah.
00:16:25
Speaker
Yeah, I just had to allow that to happen. And that was the hardest thing for me because For 16 years as a military spouse, as a surgeon spouse, I did everything on my own.
00:16:40
Speaker
And i was proud of that. you know Who isn't, right? We love we as women love to hear that we're superwoman and that, wow, you make it look so easy. We love to hear it, but we're like crushing ourselves on the inside. And so...
00:16:57
Speaker
that That made a huge difference, being able to connect with other people and have them come into my life and pour into me. you You mentioned that you went back to doing things you already had in your toolbox. And I think that that is key. A lot of times in grief, we are trying to add something a different way in what we are because we're told, oh, let's say journaling is good, but that maybe that's not intuitively something that you do then it feels even more awkward to do something that is not intuitive to you. So for you to go back to things that you were already using, like mindfulness, walking and nature, then going back to going to the gym, you do yoga. Were you a yogi at that time already? Yeah, i've I've always done yoga yoga for myself, for personal reasons. yeah Personal. So doing, we' going back to doing yoga, do eat moving, you know it was part of who you were and you used all these things
00:17:58
Speaker
tools as your way of moving through the grief. So when we share tools in general on this podcast, it's a good thing to for people to think, okay, what are things I already have in this toolbox and how will I implement them into that?
00:18:15
Speaker
some of times Some of the times you may not even remember you even have a toolbox. You know, because you're your grief is so big that you forget that you've already collected things along the way in your life that you've used before that you don't even know.
Building a Supportive Community
00:18:30
Speaker
So you had already been using these and you were able to pull them out. That that in itself takes so much energy and and and a decision to do that and implement them. So I commend you for that, that you were able to, in that midst of that, you were still able to bring them bring them out to life.
00:18:52
Speaker
So the kids at that time were what ages? They were, my youngest had just turned seven that week. And then the middle one was eight and the oldest 10.
00:19:04
Speaker
Yeah. All elementary or it was it tenure already in middle school? So fortunately, all elementary. They were all at the same school and our school was around the corner. So I was thankful that the three of them still went to school together and they could check in on each other school and after school.
00:19:26
Speaker
did you reach out to the school and let them know what had happened? And talk a little of that. How did you support them? aside You know, of course they were walking with you. You were doing mindful but mindfulness practices with them, but the part of having other people that are around your children know the circumstances, can you share? Yeah. um I was really lucky. The school district is,
00:19:55
Speaker
amazing, the Bellevue School District, and the school we were at is amazing. um I didn't reach out to the school. He passed away on a Friday, and on Sunday, the school principal called me, and I guess the police department notified the school, which I thought was really helpful because I didn't want to do that. I didn't know how to do that.
00:20:21
Speaker
So he called me on a Sunday, And he had a plan in place for Monday if they chose to come back to school. And surprisingly, my kids all went back to school. They they lost their dad on Friday. And actually, my son was at a soccer game that weekend and my daughter was at a birthday party.
00:20:38
Speaker
um And that was okay with me. I wanted them to make their own choices. And the principal said, but if and when they come back to school, we will have counselors, um the regular school counselors,
00:20:53
Speaker
on site and ready to support them. But we've also called extra counselors in from the district to come to the school for extra support.
00:21:04
Speaker
And apparently on that day, my children told me that um each of them, they were pulled out of class to sit with a counselor.
00:21:15
Speaker
And apparently while they were pulled out of class, another counselor went into their classroom to tell the students that their dad passed away without details of the cause of death, but that their dad passed away. This is what that means.
00:21:34
Speaker
And as a friend, this is what you do and what you don't do. That is incredible. Yeah. I have goosebumps even sharing that because i haven't seen that level of support here in Orange County.
00:21:47
Speaker
um I haven't seen it or heard of it anywhere. And I'm just grateful that we had that. That is amazing. Like kudos to that principal and to that school system that already had a plan in place for these type of situations. Now they would have probably like in this case, the police contacted them because of the police knew because of the cause of death. But a lot of times you wouldn't know because if a person died, and it you know, by a disease, you know, an illness, an illness that, you know, or something like that, they would have not contacted.
00:22:21
Speaker
contact it. So having, if if you're not capable as a parent to be the one to call the school, having someone in your family call them and say, I think it's so important in case a school system has all these resources in place like yours did to be able to support the kids.
00:22:39
Speaker
Because it is so important. for people that are around the kids to know that they've gone through something really hard. Even with divorce, for example, like when when kids are going through that and their school doesn't even know, and then they were wondering, I wonder why this child's distracted. I wonder why this child is now doing you know things. When things change in your home, it is important to notify the school in some shape. or There's no shame in that. It's just another added support for your children.
00:23:10
Speaker
Yeah. and And, you know, to add to that, um when we moved to Irvine and started the new school year, um I asked my children if they wanted me to share with the new school and the new teachers what we had been through.
00:23:29
Speaker
And they said, no, they didn't want their teachers or staff to know. So I honored that and I didn't share with the school and they started school at the end of August of 2023, the new school.
00:23:47
Speaker
And around end of September, early October, when we went, we had just gone through the first year anniversary since Sean's death, my son started having some mental health challenges and some behavioral stuff at school.
00:24:03
Speaker
And it was coming from this. And The teacher sent him to the school counselor because she thought it didn't seem right. Some of the things he was doing and saying, it didn't it seemed out of character for him. and when he talked to the school counselor, he shared with her what we had been through.
00:24:24
Speaker
And then the school counselor called me. And since then, that was a different school last year. But for that rest of the year, we worked together. you know We got him back into therapy and And i told her that I had asked them what they wanted me to do. And now I think, you know, now moving forward, I've let the kids know that, no, we are always going to share this part of our story.
Grounding Practices and Connection
00:24:50
Speaker
because people need to know and it only creates better connection and support for us when we least expect that we'll need it right? um Yeah, because as we know grief, we have no clue when it's going to peak its head, right? Yes. We have no clue. And so if we as adults don't even have a clue when it's going to show up, if we're in the middle of grocery shopping and all of a sudden you have to leave your grocery cart there because you just had a song played as you're shopping that there's that brought up all these memories and thoughts and emotions, children are the same way and they do not know. So for the people that are there with them six to eight hours a day, to know that things like that can show up, I think is important. So that that is a ah very good reminder.
00:25:40
Speaker
Yeah. And I think I didn't fully understand because it it hadn't even been a year since Sean passed away. i I hadn't been sharing my story publicly. you know It wasn't until a year and a half later um that I came back to social media to start sharing my story. And I started working in this space. And just being in this space has taught me so much about my own grief and you know what to expect.
00:26:07
Speaker
And so that's why i decided anybody, not even people who have the kids for six to eight hours, but Anybody who is going to come in contact with my children are going to know our history. So even the babysitter that we just hired, who comes a couple hours a week, she knows our story. um hit the You know, the kids, instructors, dance studios, coaches, everybody knows now. And if I see that somebody's struggling, I let all those people know what to look out for. On the two-year anniversary, let everybody know that this is what we're
00:26:45
Speaker
leading up to. And so please keep an eye out. And I'm here if I need to help in any way. Yeah, the the part of them wanting to probably start anew, right? that They probably thought, okay, nobody knows, nobody would look at us different. It's with something we all go through. It's like, okay, let me move to a new place. People don't have to look at me with pity or, you know, they can really just treat me for who I am.
00:27:10
Speaker
That is so understandable. And probably the same was for you until a year and a half later that you started to share more. So what was that change for you and shift when you decided I'm going to go...
00:27:21
Speaker
on social media, I am going to start sharing my story. What shifted? I, I, I felt a pull for ah a while before then to share because I was seeing how these practices of ours were actually helping. And I never realized, you know, when we use mindfulness just to get through COVID and being together for so many hours a day, um I never understood
00:27:53
Speaker
how important those practices would be one day. And so I just, anytime I saw more healing in us or things getting better, or i saw, you know, my daughter go to her room and rest and journal on her own. And I knew what she was doing, right. Or my youngest, she needs to get outside and put her bare feet on the ground and pick up and And when I started seeing that- round She was grounding. She was grounding. Yeah, exactly. And when i when I saw that these are the things we're just naturally going to, um not all of us have been in therapy.
00:28:31
Speaker
None of us have been on medication and we're naturally going to these things that are helping. I thought, i I want to do this. And then in addition to that, I've just always been- um passionate about sharing my husband's story and talking more about mental health for for men and even for women.
00:28:52
Speaker
And so it was May, Mental Health Awareness Month last year when I decided to just come back to social media and share um what the last year and a half looked like for me and my family.
00:29:11
Speaker
That is so amazing because a lot of times we find these tools and we just make keep them for ourselves. But in your case, you felt that sharing it with others may help them, but also as another way of honoring Sean and keeping his memory by also doing this.
00:29:31
Speaker
Is that how what do you feel? Yeah. That's what you feel. So it's part of your way of carrying on his legacy to now share with others. Yeah. And it's, it's even, you know, we talked about the stigma of suicide loss and mental health challenges earlier. And, you know, I just want, it wasn't always pretty and I'm not going to pretend like it was.
00:29:54
Speaker
um when you, when live with someone who has mental health challenges, it's difficult. And, um, but his core was good and I know that he loved us and we loved him and,
00:30:09
Speaker
I don't want him to be defined by his struggles. Nobody should be defined by their struggles. And I think the minute we all accept that and acknowledge it, people will feel less alone in sharing about what they're going through, especially Um,
00:30:29
Speaker
um And I think that by sharing my story and our family's experience, I'm hoping that people will just learn to treat mental health challenges and the people who have them with more compassion.
00:30:45
Speaker
um Because really, everybody is going through something. in varying degrees, but we are all going through something, but we're all living this one life together.
00:30:56
Speaker
so we need to be together, you know, and support each other. That's so beautiful. Thank you, Raish Marth, for sharing that. Now, what are ways in which you and the kids now find of connecting with Sean?
00:31:16
Speaker
And what are ways in which you would tell them they could connect with their dad? Um, we can connect with him a lot through music.
00:31:29
Speaker
He loved all kinds of music and he had so many playlists that we still have on our Amazon app. And so we like to listen to some of his playlists and just remember when we heard those songs, what he was doing.
00:31:43
Speaker
um He was a very physically active outdoorsy person. And so we have continued doing the things that he loved and the things that he introduced to us as a family.
00:31:58
Speaker
In fact, The very last thing that has been the hardest thing for me to get back to skiing. And it's been three years since we've skied. The last time we skied was with him.
00:32:10
Speaker
And um I just booked four nights in Mammoth, um which isn't the Canadian skiing my kids are used to doing or want to be doing, but it's like baby steps, you know? And I just booked four nights in Mammoth for spring break.
00:32:27
Speaker
It's very emotional for me. I'm very nervous. um There were family members on his side who offered to do a trip with us, but I feel like it's something I need to just do with the kids.
00:32:42
Speaker
And, um, i'm It's like real baby steps. My kids don't understand. My son, does he asked me if it was because of money. And I thought, you're just not going to understand this you know until you're older. But yeah, thats that's how we're connecting with him, just through the things that he loved to do.
00:33:05
Speaker
I got emotional thinking of that. I'm envisioning you on the snow and just going down. night
00:33:13
Speaker
ah You know, when I ski, I'm scared of but i ski, but I'm not great at it. The whole time down when I'm screening skiing, I'm either praying or humming or something.
00:33:25
Speaker
So I'm wondering what's going to be like your... your ski journey down. I know. I can't wait to talk with you after. Yeah, I'm sure I'll be documenting it on social media because I have no idea. I also had knee surgery before he passed away. i tore, re-tore a meniscus repair.
00:33:46
Speaker
And um then I ended up having surgery just last year ah my knee. And of course I missed him so much. um He was an orthopedic surgeon, so he would have been the one to advise me through it all. Um, but so I'm, I'm kind of nervous about that too, because it'll be my first time back on skis since getting a repair.
00:34:07
Speaker
it's good that you're going, go stay on the bunny hills for now. ah ah just Just to play it safe, go on the magic carpet and just stay on the little bunny hills.
00:34:19
Speaker
Just so that you could kind of ease your way in as you're as you're doing that. that's I love that you, that by doing these things that remind you and them of him are the ways that you honor him and connect with him.
00:34:36
Speaker
with your own, if you don't mind sharing, your own spiritual beliefs about death or what happens after we die and what you felt or what you grew up believing and how that either changed or helped when you actually were faced with it yourself.
Spiritual Beliefs and Comfort
00:34:58
Speaker
Did it match your, did your beliefs about afterlife, or anything that happens when we die match what you were feeling in the present now.
00:35:12
Speaker
Yeah, I think so. think it's remained the same. i think I've always believed just as a Hindu and in general, I've always believed that we, our bodies are just containers for our souls and that, you know, once we leave, our body leaves this planet, our our soul is released to the universe.
00:35:37
Speaker
um Beyond that, I don't really know. I can't figure things out, but you know, in terms of how he passed away, i just, I know that people have different thoughts on that, but i I don't believe that how you pass away determines what happens to your soul afterward. um You know, in the moment after he passed away, I was very angry and I still have moments where I'm angry and, you know, i i blame him for not getting help or,
00:36:07
Speaker
you know, not thinking more about us. But when I really think about it, I know he was just in a really dark place. And for anyone to choose that for themselves as the only way out of their pain, there's so much going on that we don't even know about. You know, it's not one thing. It's not, yeah, everybody has marital challenges. Everybody has challenges with becoming parents to two, three kids, you know, and the moving around. Yeah. But it's not like I had a bad day at work. I'm going to go end my life. i mean, there was so much more there. And so I, I just, I hold a lot of compassion for him now.
00:36:52
Speaker
And I believe that if, you know, wherever his soul went, it it has to be like a good place, you know? Thank you. Thank you for sharing that. i i i am I ask that because it's something I am curious of, because I know for me having that type of belief of the soul, not necessarily like of that aspect of the soul that it just is leaving the body, but it doesn't necessarily leave it.
00:37:19
Speaker
I don't even feel that even leaves us like us, like I still feel my sister and my mom around me. So it has brought me comfort in my grief. So I'm always curious to ask people in their own journey, what has been brought them comfort in their grief and whether their spiritual beliefs about what happens after we die, if they end up being comforting or not, because they could be also not comforting. You you mentioned right now, the stigma sometimes that is associated then with suicide and some religions might be that,
00:37:53
Speaker
The person's now going to be in, I don't know what paid place because I don't believe that either. Like, and yeah i I don't know where, like a waiting room. I don't know what. um Well, that doesn't bring me comfort. So I'm going to choose not to believe that. Yeah.
00:38:08
Speaker
It's like, why would I choose to believe something that's not going to bring me comfort in my grief? That's my personal... thoughts for those of you listening, you, each of you have the right to believe whatever you feel is right for you, but that's at least for me.
00:38:22
Speaker
So is that how you felt as well? Yeah. And I, mean I I agree with you. You said your mom and your sister, you feel the presence around you. I feel the same way. Um, the kids do too. We see signs and, you know,
00:38:38
Speaker
it's Sometimes it's like fun to look for signs or see signs. or i remember around the second year anniversary, we were listening to music and it was just a random selection of songs.
00:38:52
Speaker
And it was like every song reminded us of him. And there was even one point where... My oldest son asked me a question and then this song played and it was almost like a direct message. The answer?
00:39:07
Speaker
like Yeah, it was it was more, it was kind of like, he asked a question where the answer is like, no, why why would you think that or do that or want that, whatever. And the song that came on.
00:39:19
Speaker
well was like in a similar tone and it was ah one of Sean's favorite songs. And so that's just fun. And it's soing it's good for the kids. um My daughter had this amazing idea. i don't know, I should get it patented, but she said, mom. Maybe don't say it now. and I know. shes She said, mom, you know, i really, it would be cool if ai could learn everything about your lost loved one.
00:39:47
Speaker
And then when you want to have a conversation, when i want to have a conversation with dad, I could just go to ai and talk. That's so sweet. Wouldn't that be nice?
00:40:00
Speaker
Yeah. Like if that's something, you know, you could probably do that. You could probably do prompt and say, AI, these, I want you to talk in the, you know, in the verb and then just say my dad, and then put it all that way.
00:40:14
Speaker
Like you probably could, you'd have to really build it in. Yeah. Build it in. The only thing is that I'd say I'd be cautious as to the age that you use that and implement that with a child just so that they don't really think that it's the dad talking because you again, oh have to you know what I mean? You never know what a computer system is going to then respond to every situation in the take it like as if as is, you know, then that might be trouble.
00:40:39
Speaker
yeah So, so and my that is sweet that she even like felt, Oh, I want to talk. Cause it's so true. Something that we miss the most is those conversations and knowing what would they have answered.
Sharing the Journey Online
00:40:50
Speaker
But just like you said, with the song, the song itself felt like that answer. And other times it's just the clarity that comes when you do something or you put something out in the universe and all of a sudden you get that answer in your,
00:41:04
Speaker
head, you can take that as their answer and their conversation back to you. So there's other ways in which they're able to still have those conversations, and even if they don't hear his voice, right? So, but yeah, yeah that's, that's so cute that she had that insight.
00:41:22
Speaker
Now, I want to ask you now into what it is you do now with your one-on-one coaching and your circles and your support circles, because it was just, what, a year and a half into it. You come on social media, you start sharing your story. And then how did that then shift into you now being a mindfulness coach and now helping others?
00:41:43
Speaker
Yeah, it was... It's been really beautiful to see. I mean, I came on thinking I'm the only one, right? We feel that, right? In our grief, I'm the only one. I'm sharing this because I really just need people to know.
00:41:57
Speaker
But ah very soon after, I was getting messages from people you know, whether they lost someone to suicide or not, but just getting messages from people, I know how you feel.
00:42:10
Speaker
Or i lost my brother to suicide. um I'm, you know, military spouse and my husband's having mental health challenges.
00:42:21
Speaker
And so people would share with me and then i would get feedback that they were finding comfort in my posts, or they were actually doing some of the things that I said I was doing.
00:42:35
Speaker
And so I just started realizing like, wow, this is helping other people. I didn't go in with that intention. i went in with the intention of, I just want to share. And While I'm helping other people, I'm also healing, as I'm sure you can relate to. It's just this sharing and building community has been so powerful in my own healing journey.
00:43:03
Speaker
And it's also been a great um example for the kids because they see what I'm doing and I share with them how it's helping other people.
00:43:14
Speaker
And they now know that it's not... shameful to talk about your mental health challenges. Everybody needs help and it's okay to ask for it. So over time, I've just slowly started to do these things. And then i A month ago, I decided I'm going to lead ah healing circle for women.
00:43:35
Speaker
And it ended up being a one-on-one for 90 minutes. And it was amazing. It was just so beautiful, the exchange that we had.
00:43:46
Speaker
We did breath work together, some movement. um We journaled together reflected together, shared together. And so the key word here is together.
00:43:57
Speaker
i don't think I'm an expert. I don't even use the word coach or I try not to because I'm really doing this alongside somebody.
00:44:07
Speaker
And I think when we can do it together, we heal together and it just, you, you feel so much less alone. I love that. Thank you for sharing that.
00:44:20
Speaker
Yeah, i i I agree with the word expert. I don't like it. i ah i've I say I'm not even an expert in my own grief because I have no clue how I would even even react to another grief and situation if it were to happen right now.
Community and Healing
00:44:36
Speaker
ah You can't, even if you know about grief and you have some concepts, you can't even be an expert on your own grief because you don't know who you will be tomorrow and how you're going to take on ah grief situation then and and yes in the circumstances around each one of those things so and grow and you're right it's so reciprocal the energy exchange that happens that I feel that in general we do Serving others feels good because it ends up, you know, we we heal ourselves. but And it's kind of like, so that it feels good, you do it more. It's like in general, anytime you do service for others, it feels good. So you do it more.
00:45:22
Speaker
that so So that is that is great. Now, what are ways in which people can get a hold of you, Reshma? And then i' i have another question as we wrap up. But yeah what are ways in which they can get hold of you?
00:45:35
Speaker
Oh, I'm on Instagram. So that's a good way. And I just, my website just went live on Saturday on International Women's Day. And that is www.reshmakarney.com.
00:45:49
Speaker
um And so those are the two places that people can find me right now. And I'll link that at the bottom of the show notes. So as we close, i like to ask, is there something I have not asked that you want to make sure to share with the audience?
00:46:07
Speaker
um I think I just want to remind people who are navigating their own grief and healing journeys to give themselves grace. i It took me a while to learn that I needed to be gentle with myself and love myself the same way I was loving on my children.
00:46:29
Speaker
And in order to do that, I needed to take breaks and rest. allow myself that time to recharge. And i also needed to allow people to come in and support me.
00:46:44
Speaker
And I think that when we start to do that, love ourselves, be gentle, get help, I think that just adds the magic to the healing.
Conclusion and Encouragement
00:46:58
Speaker
Thank you.
00:47:00
Speaker
Thank you. that that This was Reshma Carney. Am I saying it right again? Reshma Carney. And again, we look forward to seeing what else you're able to bring to to life in this journey. So thank you, Reshma.
00:47:16
Speaker
Thank you.
00:47:22
Speaker
Thank you again so much for choosing to listen today. I hope that you can take away a few nuggets from today's episode that can bring you comfort in your times of grief.
00:47:35
Speaker
If so, it would mean so much to me if you would rate and comment on this episode. And if you feel inspired in some way to share it with someone who may need to hear this, please do so.
00:47:51
Speaker
Also, if you or someone you know has a story of grief and gratitude that should be shared so that others can be inspired as well, please reach out to me.
00:48:03
Speaker
And thanks once again for tuning in to Grief, Gratitude, and the Gray In Between podcast. Have a beautiful day.