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A Journey to Healing from Heartbreak - Solo Episode | EP15
95 Plays1 year ago
Join me in this solo ep on an exploration of healing from heartbreak.
- Discover the empowering path to pour focus back into yourself, embracing the basics of self-care, from quality sleep to nourishing yourself.
- Uncover the truth about numbing and the importance of finding healthy crutches like reading fiction, baking, or taking long walks.
- How to find your sanctuary to support you
- The importance of nervous system regulation.
- Learn the art of feeling your emotions
- Listening to the signs your body is sending you: whether it's through your skin or cravings for sugar and alcohol.
- Navigating the challenging luteal phase of your cycle and the profound impact it can have on your healing journey.
This episode is a guide to not just surviving heartbreak but thriving through it, offering practical tips and compassionate insights to help you rediscover your radiance and emerge stronger on the other side.
Here is the Spotify Teenae Dreams playlist I mentioned - your inner teen will thank me!
Ready to get the tools to support you in your nervous system and emotionally regulating? Dive into Like a Queen - a bundle of my 3 signature processes of breathwork, feminine embodied flow and emotional regulation.
Connect with Steph on Instagram.
Connect with Steph on TikTok.
Don’t forget to leave a review about the podcast and then tag me on Instagram to receive a special gift from me as a thank you!
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Transcript
Introduction to Unfiltered Femme Podcast
00:00:04
Speaker
Welcome to the Unfiltered Femme podcast. Your new world to get the lowdown on all things pleasure, sexuality, the mysterious female body, dating, relationships and everything you need to know to step into your most unfiltered, unapologetic, empowered and turned on self.
00:00:22
Speaker
I'm Steph Morris, a love, sex and intimacy coach and along with some incredibly fabulous guests, I'm here to spill the tea on those topics that are typically hush hush. The juicy things that you want to know all about that have maybe been a little bit too shy to talk about.
00:00:39
Speaker
Think of me as your fearless guide and partner in crime, creating a space for the unfiltered, the raw, the authentic chats where nothing is off limits and there's no such thing as too much. The Unfiltered Femme podcast is all about breaking down those walls and celebrating what it means to be an unfiltered, feminine being. I hope you're ready for a wild ride. Let's dive right in.
00:01:03
Speaker
Welcome back to the Unfiltered Femme podcast. I am super excited for this episode because this is going to be the first of a new way of me doing solo episodes. And I'm super excited to bring this new format to you. Oh my gosh. As soon as I start recording about sneeze, give me a sec.
00:01:24
Speaker
I did just pause the recording to sneeze. Oh my gosh. Is this like an avoidance strategy for my body? That's like, don't go there.
Personal Heartbreak Journey
00:01:33
Speaker
So this episode today is all around healing from heartbreak. So if you know, if you're in my inner circle or if you have listened to some of the previous podcast episodes, then you will know that 2023 was
00:01:49
Speaker
a year for me in so many ways. And one of the big things that I have been navigating over the last six months, but really the last four months, four to six months, I don't know, it's all a blur to me, is heartbreak and healing from heartbreak. And essentially I have been reborn in 2023, specifically around June. I had a rebirth experience, which
00:02:15
Speaker
happened at the sacred sexuality retreat that I went on. So if you did not listen to that episode, you need to get some context around that. But this episode, I really want to talk to you about how to heal from heartbreak. And I have experienced this year in the context of a relationship, long term relationship and marriage ending, which is obviously a very painful experience, though everything that I'm going to be sharing also applies in the context of grief,
00:02:43
Speaker
or of heartbreak of another form. And we can experience heartbreaking in many ways. There can be heartbreak from losing a pet or a dog or an animal. There can be a heartbreak from losing a friend or having to cut ties with somebody that you're close with in your life. There can also be heartbreak from past versions of yourself and really having to let go from who you were so that you can embody and step into who you know you're meant to be and
00:03:13
Speaker
It really is a theme of life and it's something that we have to come to terms with and deal with. And it's not something that we can avoid. And there are different forms of heartbreak, but it's really on my heart and on my mind to share about the things that you can do and that you can really focus on to heal your heart when you are feeling low and really going through it.
Steps to Heal from Heartbreak
00:03:37
Speaker
Of course, when I start recording this, Beau wants attention and he is trying to
00:03:42
Speaker
get me to go let him outside. Okay. No, he's chilling though. It's all good. So I'm going to be walking you through a number of steps that you can take to heal from heartbreak and see where else this goes. So let's dive right in the first thing. And again, this is coming from my own experience or relationship. So for context, this is the
00:04:07
Speaker
second relationship heartbreak I have experienced and it was very different from my first because the first time I experienced heartbreak it was in some ways
00:04:20
Speaker
I want to say in some ways more painful because there was betrayal involved. And also I think because that was my first love, there's just a different level of heartbreak when it's your first time. Like when it's the first time you've experienced like your heart shattering into million pieces and you
00:04:38
Speaker
Realizing you're not going to spend the rest of your life with this person. And I think I was younger. So I was in that more naive maiden energy was like, I'm going to be with this person forever. And they're my everything. And I'm dependent on them. You know, maybe not the healthiest of dynamics. So it's a little bit different though that said like this.
00:04:55
Speaker
Relationship was much more of a mature and healthy relationship and very complex and difficult and painful in so many other ways. And I'm not really going to go into the details around it in this episode because I just don't feel like that's the focus of this episode. And also for the respect of the people involved, I just don't feel like diving into that right now.
00:05:17
Speaker
though what I am going to share is all of the things that have been amazing for me to heal and I really believe that it's a journey that takes a long time to heal from and there's going to be layers and layers to it and you're going to navigate life in different ways though you're still going to be dealing with
00:05:37
Speaker
almost allowing your heart to heal and to become whole and allowing it to open again. And that journey does take a while. So first thing, if you are going through a challenging situation, if you've gone through heartbreak, maybe recently, maybe it's really raw, or maybe you just never fully gave yourself the time when you experienced heartbreak. This is number one thing is to give yourself the space and time.
00:06:01
Speaker
So how can you pull the focus back into you? And there are two parts to this. The first part is making sure that you actually have space in your life to grieve and to be with your feelings and to be with your pain and your sadness and the contraction, because when you're going through something like that, any challenging situation, that is the period where you need to contract, where you need to go within, where you need to pull back.
00:06:26
Speaker
And you need to have all of this energy that you've been giving and pouring out there and maybe putting into other people, relationships or other parts of life. That's where you need to take a pause and put this back into yourself. So creating that space in your calendar, if you have.
00:06:40
Speaker
a really busy social life, can you start saying no to something so that you have more time for yourself? If you have kids, can you take this time to lean on the support that you have to say, hey, I know that I'm going to need a little bit more support navigating through these next few weeks or months. Who can I lean on? Who can I ask, and say, hey, I need help. I need support.
00:07:05
Speaker
And that's really challenging for a lot of people, especially women is asking for support where they need it. So many people would rather suffer in silence and suffer alone. So you don't have to do that. If you are an entrepreneur, if you have a business.
00:07:20
Speaker
It is so difficult. It is so difficult to go through the challenges of life and still show up. So do you have a team that you can lean on? Are there areas where you can outsource things? Are you able to let your clients know that you're navigating something and maybe temporarily putting some more boundaries in place, like, Hey, I'm going to be available less, or I'm only going to be able to respond when I'm in that energy. And maybe that will be more like.
00:07:46
Speaker
48 or 72 hour response time. Where do you need to communicate? Who do you need to communicate to about? You don't have to go into details, but I feel like we're in a day and age where people get that.
00:07:57
Speaker
life is happening and having healthy boundaries and communicating them is super important. Where can you maybe not do 71 extracurricular activities and just give yourself more time to hang out on the sofa with your dogs or go on walks or whatever it is. But this is a time to really evaluate what is in your calendar. What commitments do you have? Is this, you know, if you're going through heartbreak, is that really the time to be learning a new language or to be diving into something else? The answer for you might
00:08:26
Speaker
be yes it might be this is the exact time that i'm going to go right in to new activities and new things but that's not going to be for everybody so be really intentional is the key thing and be aware of how much energy so again going into the context of relationships here if you're going through a heartbreak from a relationship ending
00:08:50
Speaker
However, that relationship ended, that does impact the way that you're feeling that impacts the length of time and the current depth of the pain that you might be experiencing.
Rebuilding Post-Relationship
00:09:03
Speaker
So I know for some people who have experienced heartbreak where it's really random and really out of the blue and really sudden, for instance, there's
00:09:12
Speaker
a betrayal, some cheating that happens, that can be so shattering. And that can, for some people, take a much longer process because it's like there is that initial shock factor. I've never experienced heartbreak in those terms. With my first relationship that I was in, there was a lot of cheating that was happening in that relationship with my first love, though it wasn't, I mean, I was still in denial.
00:09:42
Speaker
And I wasn't fully acknowledging it. But at the same time, I knew. Like, I knew. I just was not admitting to myself. And because until I got the evidence, until I knew, knew, I didn't tell anyone. I was just telling myself, like, no, I don't think he is. Like, it's fine. But I knew for a long time, or I had an intuition for a long time that it was happening and was too afraid to confront him about it.
00:10:12
Speaker
I mean, actually one time I kind of did and classic narcissist. He was like, well, I don't even know if I can be with you anymore because how can I trust you when you're questioning me? Oh my God. I can't even, anyway, aside from the point I'm going off on a tangent here, but my experience was not this like earth shattering sudden thing. For me, there's always been like a little bit extra time, like months.
00:10:34
Speaker
in some cases months involved where I have been sort of processing and going through things and that does impact the experience. Again there's so much more to this story and one day with permission I might share some pieces of it. It truly was wild and actually side note something that came out of this this year is that I one of my goals for 2024 is to start writing. I really
00:10:57
Speaker
have a whole book series of fiction books novels to write based on my experiences in life but also kind of fabricated for for the purposes of good stories but also with educational pieces in it so obviously the work that I do I really want to make sure that anything that I'm writing is realistic and also empowering for women who will be reading it so that's something that has come out of has come out of this and I think that's something that we'll touch on in a little bit but
00:11:27
Speaker
Heartbreak, there is always such an opportunity for flourishing on the other side. So in order for your whole reality to restructure, you got to go through the chaos. And this is what happens when one door is closing, another one is going to be opening up. And in the case of relationships ending, it's so painful and you would never choose to go through these things.
00:11:51
Speaker
Though if that is what you're experiencing, know that it's for your higher good, it's for your greater good and something more wild, more incredible, more amazing than you could even imagine is gonna come on the other side. And that's exciting to kind of be in that void and be like, you know what?
00:12:08
Speaker
What I thought was going to be my life is no longer my life. So this is the time to fucking surrender and to just see what is going to come next. So put the focus back into you. If you've been a relationship queen your whole adult life, or you have always spent a lot of time dating, just think about how much energy that is that you're pouring into another person.
00:12:32
Speaker
I know for me when I'm in a relationship, like I'm all in that relationship. I want to spend all of my time with that person because I love that person so much. And I think there have been for me some tendencies in the past where maybe I've put too much pressure on that other person or put too much, had too many expectations of that person being everything to me. And then it's easy to kind of lose a bit of that connection to
00:12:57
Speaker
friendships and two things that you used to do maybe when you were single or on your own. And you got a lot of time back. So especially if you're living with somebody and you're in this long-term relationship and then suddenly you're single. And so for me, I haven't been single in 11 years. I was pretty much into back-to-back relationships, four years and then seven plus years.
00:13:23
Speaker
So I have not been single since I was 20 years old. I've never actually lived by myself as an adult woman. I left school. I went to university. I was living alone then, but I was living in university houses with other friends. And I feel like that doesn't really count because you're like in that in-between phase between school and real life. With that said, I did live with my
00:13:52
Speaker
ex in Australia and he was working in mine. So he did like two weeks on, two weeks off kind of thing. I can't even remember like how much he was doing that, but I spent a lot of time by myself. So technically live with him. I mean, I did live with him, but he was away a lot. So I had a lot of alone time in that relationship, which I think was actually very, very healthy for me at age 21, 21 to, I guess, 24 when I was living over there. So to note that,
00:14:21
Speaker
But it's really wild to go from living with men for like 10 years and then to be like, oh, I actually now live by myself for the first time.
00:14:34
Speaker
I'm actually loving it.
Self-Care Essentials After Heartbreak
00:14:35
Speaker
It's great. I am. I am really enjoying it because I'm, I'm definitely an ambivert so I can be extrovert and I get very energized being around people, but also I fucking love my alone time. I love being by myself and I'm not by myself cause I have my dogs, but I really love it. Like for me the other week, I have the best Saturday.
00:14:53
Speaker
fully by myself because I'd been around people all week. I was like, I just can't wait to have an alone day. And I literally went to a hot Pilates class, walked the dogs for like an hour and a half. I think I got coffee. I had a slow morning watching Netflix in bed. I literally never do that. But I was like, this is what I feel like doing.
00:15:12
Speaker
I had a bath in the middle of the day. I made the playlist of my teenage dreams during the afternoon. So I was like, I had that song on my head from 10 things I hate about you. I don't know where it came from, but you know, the movie loved it. Now I want to watch it. I had that song.
00:15:29
Speaker
I want you to want me. I'm not going to sing it because it's too embarrassing right now. But I had that song on my head and I was like, oh my God, I want to make this playlist. I made this playlist. I'll link it for you. But it was so good. I basically put all of the best songs I used to sing.
00:15:43
Speaker
and look up, I'd Google, no, I wouldn't Google, because Google wasn't around then. I would read the CD thing, you know, the little pamphlets that come in CDs. I used to like read the lyrics to those, so it would be my own version of karaoke. So I was basically doing this to Saturday night and then dancing around my place to this playlist. And I was having the fucking best time. And I was like, wow, I would never do this. I just never used to do this when I was in a relationship, not saying that other people don't do that. It's just, I'm getting to know a whole new version of me.
00:16:12
Speaker
that is the me outside of any relationship so it's really fun to explore different sides of myself that I maybe didn't know existed or I never really allowed to come out because there's nobody there's nobody around me there were no expectations so
00:16:29
Speaker
back to the point I love, I love me time and that the playlist was super good. And so I've been really working on healing is healing my inner child and healing my inner teenager. And so I really felt that desire to have the playlist and I'm basically listening to it every day and singing along and it's so good. So pull the focus back into you and maybe a little fun exercise for you is to consider how much time
00:16:54
Speaker
Okay, Leela, we don't need you to bark. How much time do you spend or have you been spending on another person? Maybe that's making someone else food or this can be physical things that you're doing, but also mentally and emotionally, like how much load have you been carrying for another person?
00:17:14
Speaker
This is what we often do in relationship. And I know that a lot of women that I work with are that load carrier for their partners and families. And that's a lot. That really is quite intensive on us. So really consider how much time are you getting back? And it might not be physical time, not that time even exists, but it could be more of that emotional, mental, physical,
00:17:37
Speaker
an energetic load that has
Managing Emotions and Healthy Coping
00:17:39
Speaker
been released. So that's a lot of energy that you're getting back. So you want to make sure that you're not just filling up your calendar with other things like, Oh, I'm going to now hang out with more social, doing more social things. Those things are great, but it's so, so, so important to
00:17:54
Speaker
have dedicated time for yourself. So it's doing things like I was just sharing, having a Saturday night to yourself, putting on a playlist and dancing around your kitchen. That is doing things that are going to nourish you. So maybe it's going to a full mood workshop or maybe you spend two hours on a weekend doing a deep breath work practice and a journaling session and setting intentions and setting goals and really
00:18:20
Speaker
on your own growth i think this is super important especially when you're going through heartbreak the next piece which is critical and it sounds boring because it's so obvious but going back to the basics so
00:18:35
Speaker
When you are going through a big life transition, when you're going through heartbreak, you have to focus on the basics, getting between eight and 10 hours sleep. You're going to need more sleep because you're moving through a lot. And even if you don't know consciously that your body is moving through stuff, your mind, your body, your emotional body, your energetic body, your physical body,
00:18:59
Speaker
are all going through such change that you're going to need more sleep and you're going to need to rest yourself more. And that's also going to help you just navigate through the day to day because if you are sleep deprived, your emotions are going to be running high. You're going to feel more on edge. You're going to be living more in that sympathetic state, that fight or flight response. And that is not where healing takes place. Healing can't happen when you're in fight or flight mode.
00:19:24
Speaker
You have to be in that rest and digest, in that calm state. And one of the number one ways to ensure that that's happening, aside from things like breath work and really regulating.
00:19:34
Speaker
your, your nervous system, but getting enough sleep is super important. Working out another huge one because that's going to help you move energy through your body. That's going to help you move those emotions through your body through working out. So find your flavor of working out and get back into that. I have been so bad at working out. Like honestly, since COVID happened in 2020, it completely threw me off my, my workout regimen. I used to be so consistent. I always was consistent.
00:20:03
Speaker
with between four and five workouts a week forever. COVID happened and obviously it kind of like threw a spanner in the works and I just sort of struggled to be consistent again. Like I would be working out between one and three times a week since then.
00:20:18
Speaker
And during COVID I'd also put on a bunch of weight and until this summer I didn't, I wasn't able to lose it. Now I can kind of see like other reasons why that was happening. Some stress and just my body was like holding on, emotionally holding on to pieces. So that's a whole other story. But working out has been such an amazing thing for me to get back into because
00:20:42
Speaker
When you feel like your life is falling apart, there's not much that you can control, but you can control you exerting that energy physically. And nothing feels better when you're going through heartbreak to feel your body being physically strong because that physical strength is a representation of your emotional strength too. You can see, I can actually see like my muscles.
00:21:03
Speaker
are growing bigger and I can see maybe some toning up happening and I can feel that now this workout feels easier to me or it can lift heavier weights or you're seeing the results you're noticing results and that is really powerful to remind you of the strength that you have that inner strength that emotional strength that is not visible and we can beat ourselves up and get really
00:21:24
Speaker
hard on ourselves and forget to recognize how strong we are as human beings. So working out is super powerful. For me, my dogs have been such a savior because as well as working out, and I'm only working out between three and four times a week. I don't work out more than that because I just right now don't, don't really feel like it, but being honest, I feel like that's been a good enough place for me and I'm, I'm feeling so strong and so good and I'm super grateful.
00:21:50
Speaker
And also my dogs are getting me out of the house. Now it's colder, so I'm doing like an hour walk a day. But when it was gorgeous and sunny out, I would do like one and a half to two hours walking with my dogs a day. And I would get so much joy from them. And that's actually a point that I have later in this. And there's the podcast, so I'm excited to share that. So going back to the basics, sleep, workout, nourish yourself. And nourishing yourself is important nutritionally, but also in other ways, like slowing down, living a slower pace of life.
00:22:20
Speaker
healing yourself emotionally. So doing things like breath work, regulating your nervous system, seeing how you can nourish yourself and really feed your body because you're under stress, right? When you go through heartbreak, life is changing, especially if it's a long-term relationship, you've been together for years or you are perhaps grieving. It could be the death of someone or grieving a relationship or a past version of yourself or whatever it is.
00:22:44
Speaker
you have to nourish yourself. Like it's super, super important. So that is such a good time to get back into cooking or meal prepping or, you know, what do you have the capacity to do? Cause I know for me, I'm not going to fucking cook every day. I am not that kind of bitch. Like I am not going to cook every evening. I'm just not. I'm not in that phase of life. I used to love cooking and I'm actually a pretty good cook. I've just been in such business building mode for the last few years that
00:23:14
Speaker
It's just not been my main priority. And obviously that was not great for my health in many ways, because I was getting more takeout. But now I'm just committed to the meal prepping. And I eat super healthy, super basic, but really healthy. And I just am like, I have to prep on a Sunday. I have everything in. I will cook my eggs every day, like a good different egg.
00:23:36
Speaker
dish every day for my main breakfast or lunch meal. And then in the dinner, it's like kind of reheating in the pan the shit that I made on the weekend, usually in the form of chicken, sweet potato, quinoa, vegetables, some, or maybe like ground beef.
00:23:55
Speaker
sometimes salmon, those kinds of things. Like it's pretty much that on rotation every week. And then usually around my Lucille phase of my cycle. So right before I'm going to get my period, I'm craving more carbs. So I'll buy little tortilla wraps or I'll buy sourdough. And that will be the week where I'm like eating sandwiches or like having maybe like tuna pasta or
00:24:21
Speaker
something like that because I'm like, oh, just give me all the carbs. But yeah, I eat, I eat pretty healthy and it's actually really fun to, for me to just be wifey-ing myself and really nourishing myself in that way. And a goal for next year is going to be more focused on cooking more diverse range of foods and start getting back into cooking like actual dishes. Again, probably like once or twice a week. Like I'm just not the kind of person that has the desire to be cooking every day at this phase of my life.
00:24:51
Speaker
Definitely one day down the line when I have a family and have kids, I, I'm fully prepared that I want that to be the time where I'm really into baking and cooking. Cause I do love those things. I'm just, I'm just not in that phase right now. If I'm being honest, the next piece, which you're not going to want to hear, but we're going to go there anyway. Try not to numb. So if you are going through.
00:25:15
Speaker
The best thing that you can do for yourself is to feel your feelings and to be with them. And that's not comfortable. In fact, it's extremely uncomfortable to be with your sadness, your pain, your grief, your heartbreak, your fear, your loneliness, your despair, your anger, your frustration, your resentment, perhaps.
00:25:41
Speaker
It's so painful to be with those emotions. I'm fully acknowledging that, but there's no quick path to healing. And the more that you avoid.
00:25:49
Speaker
And the more that you numb out, the harder you are making the healing process on yourself and on your body and the worse that it's going to be. So again, this is why you have to pull the focus back into you. This is why you have to create this space in your calendar, in your life so that you can have that time and that space to heal. And that could look like
00:26:12
Speaker
laying on the sofa and crying for an hour, genuinely. That could look like staying in bed for a day. That could look like...
00:26:21
Speaker
maybe watching some Netflix because you don't want to fully numb out using whatever vices you may have used in the past, but you're not maybe prepared to like go into the feelings in that moment. And that's okay, but we'll talk about this. Numbing out just doesn't help. And this is why I would really recommend if you're going through heartbreak and you have
00:26:45
Speaker
the ability to pull some resources together to get the support that you need. I would really recommend doing that. The best investment that you can make into yourself is in coaches, therapists, in whatever it is based on how you're feeling. Maybe you have physical symptoms that you want to work through, put your resources into those things because that will dramatically, dramatically
00:27:11
Speaker
change the way that you feel and the way that you're experiencing and going through navigating the heartbreak. For me, having my therapist was the fucking best thing ever. I don't know how I would have survived the last six months without my therapist. And it was all divinely spiritually like connected as to
00:27:31
Speaker
how I found her. Well, actually Jay found her for me back in June, which I'm super grateful for. And I was seeing her weekly. I believe between June, she was helping me heal and integrate from my retreat experience, but then everything was coming back to the inner child as it always does.
00:27:53
Speaker
And I was seeing her weekly from June to I believe September and then September until now has been sometimes weekly, sometimes every two weeks. I think we had like a month break in there at one time. And then I was like, no, I have to come back to every two weeks.
00:28:10
Speaker
because I just, I just love the support. And I really lucked out. I mean, I say luck, but I feel like, I feel like it's just the way that I am that I've done so much work on myself and I'm just living a place of trust that things unfold for me. And I just know that they will. So I didn't have to like go on this big therapist journey, like finding a therapist. It just was so effortless and she's been so transformational for me to have that support.
00:28:35
Speaker
And I'm super grateful. So that is where I've been putting a lot of money every week or every month into her. And that has meant I haven't been shopping. I fucking love to shop. Love to shop. And sometimes that can be good. Sometimes you want to invest your money there into a new wardrobe. And I know that's something that I'm working towards because I feel like I've changed so much that I really want to get a whole new closet
00:29:03
Speaker
new shoes, new jackets, new accessories to match the woman that I am today, which is different from the woman that I was two years ago. And, and for me also, I wasn't here last winter. I was in Costa Rica last winter for the whole six months. So I haven't, all my winter clothes are basically from two years ago. And I'm like, I literally am not the same person as I was two years ago. I don't want to, I don't really resonate.
00:29:28
Speaker
with a lot of the clothes i have in my closet so i keep doing big clear outs selling stuff donating stuff getting with stuff so i'm like it's no longer in alignment with me and while it's really all about the internal and the embodiment the external is really important to match that into support in who you are becoming so.
00:29:45
Speaker
While I fully support shopping and I think that that's great, I think people are so easy to put their money into things and people are less willing to put their money into non-physical things.
Investing in Personal Development
00:30:00
Speaker
Things like services such as therapy or coaching or a breath work workshop or a full moon circle or going to the ice bath and sauna experience.
00:30:13
Speaker
Those things are intangible, but the lasting impact is much deeper than something a little bit more materialistic, like a new outfit, which I think is great. I really do. I think it can change a lot, but that's something that is worth you questioning.
00:30:30
Speaker
How easy is it for you to spend $100 each week on takeout, on coffee, on treating yourself in that way? Are you matching that into your own growth and into your own healing? And I'm going to argue that a lot of people are not because I see a lot of friends, a lot of family, a lot of people I work with, well, not necessarily the women I work with. They are investing in themselves heavily. And I celebrate that. I just know where I used to be.
00:30:57
Speaker
happily spend money on going out on clothes all the time. Like I would easily like go on a little shopping spree and spend like a thousand dollars around Christmas. I actually was thinking about this the other day. I was like, Oh my God, I used to just like go to Nordstrom and then just be like,
00:31:13
Speaker
I feel like going shopping, I'm going to spend $1,000. And now I would be a lot more conscious and intentional. And I wouldn't just do that without having planned that out and be intentional about where I'm spending my money. Because the last few years, a lot of my money has gone back into my business, has gone into investing myself. And I have gone so heavy on the healing path and putting all my money into myself that I have prioritized or deprioritized spending on material things.
00:31:42
Speaker
because it's just not where i wanted to put my money because there's no actual value in that right there's massive value in me investing in myself so i wanted to share that and i highly highly recommend getting support from somebody and every person needs support
00:31:57
Speaker
Therapists needs therapists. I'm a coach. I need coaches and I need support. So wherever you're at, like you are never immune from needing this kind of support. And even if you're like, Oh, I'm good. There's so many people who are like, I've got myself. And it's like, of course you do, but you don't have to. You get to receive support. You get to be held. You get to be witnessed. You get to be listened to. And so I can't hop on about that enough that I really encourage you to seek out support.
00:32:23
Speaker
And I'll, okay, if that means pulling back in a certain area, like you're not going to eat out for a couple of months, but you're going to invest in a therapist that is going to come back to you tenfold. So on this thread too, there's no quick path to healing. Something I encourage you to do is find healthy crutches. Something for me was reading fiction. That was my escape. I read like 16 books in a month in summer.
00:32:47
Speaker
That was all I did, literally. And it was a great way for me to escape in a way that it's not unhealthy. I literally was just simply reading all day, every day. And I'm very fortunate that I have my own business and I was able to take time off and have basically just fully pulled back. And I'm so grateful for the past version of me that
00:33:12
Speaker
has set that up in my life and created that because I don't know how I would have showed up every day to a nine to five job. If that's what I had, I just, I don't, I would have had to take time off work. It wouldn't have worked for me. So I'm super grateful that I had that space. But for me, I was like, okay, what are the healthy crutches that I can have as my, as my things. So get curious on what yours can be. Maybe you go all into baking. Maybe you are going to get lost in cooking and in baking because you are that kind of person that
00:33:41
Speaker
can just be cooking for hours and time goes by and you're like, I don't even know where the time went.
00:33:45
Speaker
I wish I was that person, it's not me, but find the things that are not going to be detrimental to your health and to yourself that you can lean on when you just need a little bit of escape. Typically, you know, there are things like watching Netflix, scrolling on social media, alcohol, drugs, these other vices that are not healthy. They're not going to support you in your healing in any way.
00:34:11
Speaker
try to stay away from those and see okay I'm gonna you know shopping again it's not gonna be it's not gonna be healthy for you long term but can you go to fiction books or get really immersed in learning or baking or whatever it is or long walks and and use that as your thing really if you can stay away from anything that's going to numb you
00:34:35
Speaker
Drinking excessive alcohol as a way to avoid your feelings is just fucking up your body. It's honestly the worst thing you can do. And one thing that I, I'm going to toot my own horn here is that I am so proud of myself, like so proud of myself for completely avoiding alcohol as I've been navigating this. It's been painful. There have been times where I've really had an intense craving to drink.
00:35:04
Speaker
And I don't really drink much. Like I don't drink much at all. And I haven't for a couple of years now.
00:35:12
Speaker
Like I love the odd margarita. I love some champagne, but I don't drink more than a couple typically because my body doesn't need it. Like I can't handle it anymore. I don't like the feeling of it. I just feel generally like when I'm not navigating the craziness of life, genuine, generally I feel like pretty good. I put a lot of energy and effort and hours a day into nourishing myself. And my baseline is like so high that I feel really good. And I don't want to fuck that up by putting
00:35:42
Speaker
Poison in my body body essentially and I can have so much fun without alcohol that I just I don't want to do it with that said As I've been navigating this summer I have felt at times intense craving for alcohol and the fact that I don't drink By avoiding alcohol and not using it as a as a numbing device that was an indicator to me that I had something to process and I had something to feel and I
00:36:10
Speaker
I would only get, and I had it the other day, again, come up. But my signals from my body, and this is another point that I want to make, get to know the signs from your body. Mine are my skin.
00:36:23
Speaker
and an intense craving for sugar and for alcohol. And those are the signals from my body that are wanting to numb out sugar, food, that's another, that's another one that can become quite unhealthy. And a lot of people go to, it's very comforting to eat. It is very comforting to eat sugar and processed foods and unhealthy things. It feels good temporarily, long-term, the long run, it's not good for you.
00:36:49
Speaker
But the fact that I was not really drinking and because my nervous system was so sensitive after my crazy rebirth, womb healing, breath work experience at the retreat that I was at June, I was hyper sensitive, hyper, hyper sensitive. My nervous system was completely resetting. So I literally couldn't drink.
00:37:05
Speaker
And I made the choice that I'm going to go through this period and I'm not going to drink because it's going to allow me to be really in tune with my feelings and it's going to make me, it's going to force me to fucking feel them as they come up because I'm not going to prolong this on long any longer than it has to be because I want to live my fucking life. I'm ready for the happiness. I'm ready for the, for the joy after the intensity of the experience that I was in and the pain and the heartbreak in having to
00:37:33
Speaker
close that chapter of that seven year chapter with the ending of that relationship, which was really hard. I don't want to prolong that anymore. I don't want to keep these feelings stuck in my body. And so for me, by not drinking, I was able to notice the fact that I'm craving a bottle of wine right now, which I would not go and buy a bottle of wine and drink a bottle of wine. I just would not do that.
00:37:59
Speaker
That is telling me that I have got some intense emotions that are coming to the surface that I have to feel and I have to process. And I don't want to process them and I don't want to feel them, but I have to.
00:38:09
Speaker
And there were times where I would indulge myself a little bit and be like, today I'm going to order a pizza and I'm going to eat that. And then afterwards I'm going to do my breath work and I'm going to cry for an hour. And I'm going to just feel it because I'm going to feel shittier by not feeling it. Because those emotions that you don't feel, they don't just disappear. They live in your body. They get stuck in your body. You're not allowing them to complete the stress cycle.
00:38:32
Speaker
to complete the emotional cycle and you can have to deal with them at some point. So why not just deal with them by having a big cry and letting yourself release them. So crying is such a beautiful release. Crying activates your parasympathetic nervous system and you complete the stress cycle. So it's very, very healthy to cry. It's very, very good to cry.
00:38:53
Speaker
And when you cry, let the tears roll down your face. Don't be wiping away. Allow the tears to roll down and trickle down your face all the way down to your neck. Have tissues. You don't need to have the snot running everywhere too. But crying, I can't encourage you enough. And I have just fallen in love with crying this year because it's such a good release. I never used to cry. I used to be a bit of an emotionless bitch.
00:39:20
Speaker
a bit cold and very avoidant attachment style. Like we can go into this another time. I think I actually shared a little bit about this, perhaps in episode one, but I never used to feel my feelings and emotions and it was the worst thing. And now over the last two years and the work that I've been doing, I really was able to connect deeply with my emotions, like really deeply connect. But 2023 for me has been the year of not only feeling my emotions deeply and being befriending them, but also expressing them. I still had some
00:39:50
Speaker
level of disconnection and fear around truly expressing those emotions. And this has been the year where my body, my nervous system, like my whole, my whole self has been like, we are going there with the expression. And it's been really powerful and really freeing. So I'm super grateful for that. And now.
00:40:10
Speaker
Do I, you know, I don't enjoy necessarily crying and processing, but I do enjoy the feeling afterwards because it's like a whole weight has been lifted. It's like carrying a backpack full of bricks. And when you allow yourself to have a big release and I do this through breath work or just lying down, putting sad music on and crying.
00:40:32
Speaker
Usually I get my, my completely energy really active as well. So I can do like a little self energy healing as I'm doing it, which is super powerful. But obviously if you don't have that, if you're not tapped in yet to that energy, then simply crying, something that's going to help you kind of process and be with emotions, always putting music, music is super powerful to facilitate this as well. But you feel so much lighter afterwards and it's the absolute best thing.
00:40:55
Speaker
Wow, as I'm recording this, like I've not had a tickle on my throat. And as I'm recording this, I don't know if my body's just feeling really uncomfortable or if I'm in like another layer of healing by during this episode, but I keep getting a tickle on my throat and it's super frustrating. But yeah, body's always speaking to you. Find your sanctuary is an X point. Find your sanctuary. So what does this mean? This means find your place locally. You've got to be getting out the house, especially as we're in winter.
00:41:21
Speaker
maybe you work from home, I don't know what your circumstances are, but find the place that is your sanctuary. So I'll give you two examples of what mine are.
00:41:29
Speaker
In Toronto locally, one is other ship. Other ship is the ice bath in the solar place. So that for me, especially the classes I love, but the free flow sessions where I just go by myself, I lay in the sauna for 20 minutes, half an hour, and then I'm doing an ice bath and do that a few rounds. Oh, so meditative, so powerful to just connect in. That has been a sanctuary for me. And the other place that has been really powerful for me has been Jaybird. So this is essentially a studio that does a blend of
00:42:00
Speaker
Pilates and yoga inspired movement with pairing that with breath work and with really focusing on being embodied as you're moving through the practices and the exercises. And it's done in a dark room lit by candles only.
00:42:15
Speaker
and there's a hot room too. And I have fucking loved going to those classes. It's been such a sanctuary for me because every morning, I think I was doing like three or four classes a week through November and most mornings, not, you know, three, four times a week, I'm going there and it's just that time to self. Like the workouts are so hard. They're so good. I'm sweating so much.
00:42:42
Speaker
I'm detoxing. So another, another good thing. And this is why these two places are hot places, the sauna and then this hot inspired workout. They're really good because your body's detoxing through the sweating. And there are so many benefits to sweating and to having using hot therapy and hot and cold therapy.
00:42:58
Speaker
So many benefits to your body and to your nervous system, but you're really allowing the seeping out of the toxins of the negative energy of the parts of you that you'd no longer aligned with a no longer one. It's like, you can feel like you're sweating these out and it's super powerful. So I think that was really powerful for me. And those two places were like my sanctuaries where I was like, okay, this, this is where I'm going. Maybe there's a cafe, cafe that you go to where you're like, this is my place. I'm going to go read a book that find your places.
00:43:25
Speaker
Next step is focus on nervous system regulation.
Regulating the Nervous System
00:43:28
Speaker
When you go through a heartbreak, your nervous system is definitely going through a lot and it's really important to regulate your nervous system because you can very easily get into your fight or flight, into your sympathetic response.
00:43:41
Speaker
And so focusing on things like calming breath work, box breath, four, seven, eight breathing, polyvagal breathing, anything that is going to really calm you down, having a hot bath, getting out of your head and just being really present, looking around the room and just looking for things that are different shapes and different sizes and acknowledging them and saying them out loud, like really simple things, but really.
00:44:06
Speaker
it's why i love breath work because it's so great for regulating your nervous system but that is such an important piece and i actually have a whole program well my whole like a queen program breathe like a queen cry like a queen and move like a queen are so perfect for you if you're going through heartbreak because it's going to really connect you with your body connect you with that inner wisdom allow you to regulate your emotions and also to regulate your nervous system which is super important during this time so
00:44:30
Speaker
cry like a queen especially is literally the perfect thing for you if you're going through challenge right now. Feel your feelings so this these pair together a little bit because like I said before you've got to feel your feelings you've got to just let yourself be with them and know that it's part of the journey it's part of life
00:44:50
Speaker
We live in a world of duality where without the darkness, there's no light. Without the moon, there's no sun. Without the lows, there are no highs.
00:45:01
Speaker
We wouldn't experience the highs without the lows. You wouldn't experience happiness and joy without sadness and without grief. You just wouldn't. Like that's just the way that life works. So I'm sorry if you don't like it, but it's just a fact. And so you just got to feel your feelings because if you're a deep feeler and if you're experiencing so much pain and so much sadness, just know that that's a gift because that first of all means you're alive.
00:45:27
Speaker
So be grateful for that. You're fucking alive. If you're feeling so much pain, you're still here. You're still breathing. You're still living. You're still alive. And that in itself is, is a huge piece of gratitude.
00:45:39
Speaker
The next thing is that you are expanding your capacity to feel. And when you're expanding your capacity to feel, you're expanding your capacity to hold it all. Meaning that the deeper the pain, the deeper the sadness, the deeper the depths of despair that you are experiencing, the higher the highs are going to be. The more that you'll be tapped into pleasure, enjoy in ecstasy and happiness on the other side, you just got to be patient.
00:46:02
Speaker
And you just got to know that that's inevitable and that's the way it works and that is coming. And you've also got to know that you have to actually make space in your body to feel the lighter emotions because the heavier emotions, and I don't use the word negative because I don't think it's helpful. I just don't agree with that. I don't believe there are negative emotions. I think there are emotions that are stickier, that are heavier, that are more uncomfortable and they are lower vibration emotions like sadness.
00:46:32
Speaker
But they're not bad. They're just heavier and we don't want to live in them. We don't want to get addicted to them. We don't want to get stuck to them, but we have to make space in our body because those take up more space. They're heavier, they're low vibration. They are like bigger bricks. So we have to clear those ones out, remove those bricks to make space for the lighter emotions to be felt in our bodies. And I've experienced that too. I've been like, why am I not feeling happiness? Why am I not feeling?
00:47:00
Speaker
these feelings I want to be feeling and it's because I wasn't processing and feeling that in the way that I really needed to be. So you have to make space in your body and that means befriending your emotions and meeting them with presence and with loving kindness and compassion.
Body Awareness and Emotional Support
00:47:15
Speaker
And if you need help with this, reach out to me or dive into the Karla Copian program.
00:47:20
Speaker
Noticing the science in your body. So we already touched on this. What signs are your body showing you? Skin is a huge one. And that was for me. I had acne, crazy acne, pretty much most of 2023. And my body was just in stress. So that was a big one for me. Hair loss as well. I shared about this. I had crazy hair loss, especially for a few months during summer. What signs of your body is your body giving you?
00:47:48
Speaker
Where is your body trying to communicate you communicate with you through physical symptoms that something is maybe off or something isn't working. Tune into those and ask your body, what is going on? What can you share with me? How are you feeling?
00:48:04
Speaker
Next thing when you're healing from heartbreak is, can you borrow a dog? Can you borrow a pet? Do you have a pet? If you have a pet, lucky you. I would not have survived without my two babies, Lilo and Bo, my little babies. I love them so much. They are literally,
00:48:24
Speaker
I would be so good. They're literally my best friends and I'm so grateful for them because the love, the unconditional love that they give me. Wow. The nervous system regulation that I get from them because our nervous systems are tuned to their nervous systems. Super good for regulating your nervous system.
00:48:44
Speaker
The oxytocin I receive from my daily snuggles every morning. We have snuggles, we have kisses and multiple times throughout the day, obviously. And then evening snuggles too. We're getting the love hormone. We're getting oxytocin released super powerful. And especially if you've gone through heartbreak and you're now by yourself, then you're going to be starved for touch and affection and love.
00:49:06
Speaker
And so how can you give that to yourself? Are there friends that you can cuddle with, that you can hold hands with, that you can snuggle in a platonic, intimately platonic way where you can receive that connection that you will be really, really missing. But pets are a great way to do that. So maybe a cat or a dog, if you have a friend, if you don't have any pets, do you have friends that you can literally borrow the animal from? Maybe you can be like, can I have your dog for a sleepover?
00:49:33
Speaker
And then maybe you'll be like, I'm so grateful the dog's gone, but can you, can you do that? I really, really encourage it because it's so, it's so powerful. Animals are so powerful and not only that the absolute joy, like I was having some of my lowest times and lowest days and there was just no happiness and no joy and no pleasure for me. And I would take my dogs on a walk and I would just be smiling and I'd be feeling joy from them experiencing joy.
00:50:01
Speaker
And so that's the gift that we can receive from these beautiful animals is when we can't feel our own joy, we can source that from them and we can live through them and see that, and that can bring the happiness and joy. Maybe it's fleeting moments, but it's still super powerful.
00:50:18
Speaker
And then the last point before we wrap it up here, track your cycle. Women, you got to track your cycle because everything is going to feel worse when you're in your luteal phase. So your luteal phase is that week or so before your bleed comes where you are starting to be lower energy, where you are wanting to hibernate a bit more, where you're starting to crave carbs, where you're slowing down.
00:50:44
Speaker
You know, the buildup before your period comes. Oh my God. Like it's so, it's so annoying, but at the same time, that's just being a woman. And you have to know, like that's always the most challenging time for me, where I'd feel the lowest, where I'd be like, have I made the biggest mistake of my life? Like questioning everything. Do I even want to do this business? Do I want to.
00:51:04
Speaker
live here, have I made mistakes? Am I even worthy? Like all of the shit, every fucking question that exists was coming up every month, two, three days for me before my period. And then my bleed would come and I'd be like,
00:51:19
Speaker
And that was literally to me today. I was on a call with my coach and I was like, I feel much better today because I just got my period. And so I feel excited again and I feel fresh and I feel like my body's releasing and I'm so grateful. Like I'm so grateful for my period every single month because
00:51:35
Speaker
it's at release like your body is literally clearing and releasing out and how freaking magical is that it's such a miracle that we get to experience that so fall in love with your cycle but also track it because you got to know when things are coming up otherwise you're going to just think you're going insane and question everything
00:51:51
Speaker
And you don't need that when you're going through a life transition, when you're going through heartbreak, when you're trying to heal, you don't need to pile it on, you know? So connect in with your cycle. I'm going to have things coming next year as well around how you can track your cycle and really harness this, this power.
00:52:13
Speaker
Maybe I'll just share, have a little sneak peek. I'm going to be launching a membership next year. And that's going to be one of the, one of the topics that we dive into this in one of the months of the membership. So there will be a wait list coming for that. So, so look out. And these are the things that I've been on my heart and on
Heartbreak as a Growth Opportunity
00:52:30
Speaker
my mind to share with you. That was my list. I'm going to, I'm going to share that with you if you like.
00:52:34
Speaker
How to heal from heartbreak. And if you, if you've been going through it, like right there with you and it's part of life and I'm grateful for it, I wouldn't choose it ever. I wouldn't go through the last two months again, would not repeat them. Nope. No, thank you. At the same time.
00:52:49
Speaker
It's the biggest portal for growth. Heartbreak is the biggest time where you get to reinvent yourself, where you can feel reborn and where you can just become the next version of yourself. And it's all happening for you. It's all a gift. So embrace it. You're not going to go through that many heartbreaks in your lifetime. So just be present with it and be like,
00:53:11
Speaker
This hopefully is the last one. So let's ride this wave. Let's take everything that I can from it and just know that it's changing you as a human being for the better. And you will get through it. You've got through a hundred percent of your hardest days. I know that's cliche to say, but it's true. And I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you. And if you want to reach out, share your stories with me, then do so because I'd love to hear from you. And also I happily will share like more
00:53:39
Speaker
More with you if you have questions about anything can do more episodes on this on this topic on the scene and there's definitely going to be there's definitely going to be programs and teachings and a lot more that i share next year around this topic but
00:53:54
Speaker
These are the things that have really helped me. And I'm so grateful, like lastly, I'm so grateful for the work that I do because man, this would have been such a fucking struggle. Like even more of a struggle. It already was a struggle. Like this, the last six months have been the hardest months of my life by far. And I'm saying it now like with a grain of salt, but truly it's been really, really challenging. Really, really, really challenging. And I'm really proud of myself for moving through it with a sense of compassion and grace. And I'm so grateful for the support.
00:54:23
Speaker
But without the tools that I have, it would have just been such a different thing. So I'm super grateful and just really encourage you to get that support, do the things that I've shared here. And if you want, dive into my programs to learn some of the things and practices that I've been doing that have really, really helped me. So I'm going to love you and leave you here. Let me know what you've loved. And I would love for you to leave a rating and a review if you haven't already. And I will see you in the next pod.