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Why You Should Explore Tantra: Conscious Sex, Tantric Kissing & The Path to More Pleasure - With Anne Bland | EP17
93 Plays1 year ago
In this truly unfiltered episode I’m joined by Tantric Sex & Relationship Coach, Anne Bland, to dive into why you would explore Tantra and the path to more pleasure.
In this episode we dive into:
- Anne’s journey of being a CEO & a political career in the EU to becoming a Tantric Coach
- What is tantra?
- Misconceptions about tantra who it is for
- The path to more pleasure
- How to go from physical sex to deeper, energetic & conscious sex
- Tantric kissing
- Conscious communication
- Holistic sex tools
- Where do couples begin with getting into tantra
Connect with Anne on Instagram.
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Transcript
Introduction to Unfiltered Femme Podcast
00:00:04
Speaker
Welcome to the Unfiltered Femme podcast. Your new world to get the lowdown on all things pleasure, sexuality, the mysterious female body, dating, relationships and everything you need to know to step into your most unfiltered, unapologetic, empowered and turned on self.
Meet Steph Morris, Love Coach
00:00:22
Speaker
I'm Steph Morris, a love, sex and intimacy coach and along with some incredibly fabulous guests, I'm here to spill the tea on those topics that are typically hush hush. The juicy things that you want to know all about that have maybe been a little bit too shy to talk about.
00:00:39
Speaker
Think of me as your fearless guide and partner in crime, creating a space for the unfiltered, the raw, the authentic chats where nothing is off limits and there's no such thing as too much. The Unfiltered Femme podcast is all about breaking down those walls and celebrating what it means to be an unfiltered, feminine being. I hope you're ready for a wild ride. Let's dive right in.
00:01:02
Speaker
Welcome back to the
Guest Introduction: Anne Bland
00:01:04
Speaker
podcast. I am super excited for today's episode. I have an amazing guests who I have connected with through an incredible VITA certification that I did around love, sex, and relationships.
Anne's Journey to Tantra
00:01:16
Speaker
So today I am joined by Anne Bland, who is a Tantric sex and relationship coach. You know, we are going to be getting juicy and into all of the amazing topics around Tantra, relationships, sacred sex, and intimacy. So Anne,
00:01:29
Speaker
Welcome to the Unfiltered Fan podcast. How are you doing today? I'm good. And thank you so much for inviting me. And it's so funny, you know, every time people introduce me, because I'm Finnish, so I pronounce it unne-bland. And lots of my friends say, bland and hell no. Bland by name, but not by nature. That's me.
00:01:51
Speaker
I love that. Like literally couldn't be more of an oxymoron to the work that you do. That's absolutely amazing. And sorry for the incorrect pronunciation of your name there. I should have got that correct. No, don't worry about it. I lived in the UK for 16 years and bland is fine.
00:02:08
Speaker
but not accurate to the work that you do. So I'd love for you to introduce yourself and share a little bit about your journey. How did you become a tantric sex and relationship coach? What led you to doing this work today?
00:02:22
Speaker
Oh wow, I tried to be very succinct but let's say 15 years ago everybody thought that I had everything and having been raised as a woman in Finland in a Nordic country where everybody is equal and you can have it all and it's all just normal. I had a beautiful family, beautiful house, eco house in the country, I had a political career, I was running for the EU, I had
00:02:45
Speaker
a consultancy business CEO of, I had animals, dogs and sheep and turkeys. And outside when you look at it, it looks beautiful and perfect and blah, blah, blah. Until it all came tumbling down and I burned out. And in the same kind of tornado or whatever, I don't know, maybe it's just a stillness in the storm. All of a sudden everything just stopped and I decided to divorce my husband and I resigned from politics.
Importance of Pleasure and Happiness
00:03:16
Speaker
I didn't have a business anymore because my ex-husband took it away with him and I had my beautiful children, my beautiful house and the animals and just me, which felt like a shell, hollow, you know, if you've ever burned out, it's a hell of a shitty place to be. I don't know if we're allowed to swear here. For sure.
00:03:37
Speaker
Oh my goodness, I need to take a bit of a breather. What I really realized then was that one thing that I missed in my life was pleasure. When I graduated from my sex, love and relationship coaching, I decided that my brand is called to be selfishly happy you.
00:03:55
Speaker
And I thought, wow, that's very interesting because Facebook just threw a post from that time when I was burning out and I resigned from the politics. And there was this headline from a newspaper cutting out posted to Facebook to let people know that I've actually changed a lot about my life. And it said, Anne Bland resigns, it's unfinished, Anne Bland resigns and wants to become a selfishly happy woman.
00:04:17
Speaker
And I said, bloody hell, what does that mean? Years before I even knew anything about tantra, sex, love and relationship in terms of my new retraining, I'd already decided in my subconscious that this is what I want to become. This is who I am. I want to learn to have healthy selfishness. See what I mean? It's like becoming more of me, not less of me. Having that selfhood, that self-fulfilling
00:04:47
Speaker
awareness and mastery and expression, which I felt that I was just all the time serving everybody else, whether it's my family, you know, for my friends, my nation, my party, my planet, you know, but where is me in all that? And kind of realizing that pleasure is that figurative oxygen mask that we need to put on ourselves first and foremost before helping others, as they say, not airplanes.
From Burnout to Selfishly Happy
00:05:14
Speaker
So that became my brand.
00:05:16
Speaker
And yeah, and I thought, you know, healing is bloody hard work. So let's have some pleasure as well.
00:05:24
Speaker
I love that. That's incredible. And I love the brand Selfishly Happy. How powerful is that for women to be given that permission slip? That it's not even selfish, but the reclaiming of those two words together is so powerful because as women, it's ingrained in us that we are serving other people and we're always doing things for other people.
00:05:47
Speaker
not taking that time for ourselves. So I think that's really beautiful and incredible brand name. That alone is a permission slip for women that is really needed. And it's incredible to go from a political career
00:06:01
Speaker
to the work that you're doing to now. What did that look like? How did you go from that? And if you're open to speaking, what did some of those symptoms even look like around burnout? Were you connected to your body? Did you have a good sex life? What was the reality of life then?
00:06:20
Speaker
sexless marriage for years and kind of driving on adrenaline. I think that's what it was. I mean, when you have a mission and purpose, it's easy to just go for it. And I had a minute time scheduled by minute. And people used to say that, okay, she's going to be late. Everybody knew I was always going to be late for everything. You know, there was no grounding. There was no presence.
00:06:42
Speaker
there was no there was focus a lot of hell of a lot of focus and I had a mission I needed to save this planet for my children you know for goodness sake I can't allow mankind to just erase this beautiful planet so as a green politician in a country where we were in government it was a big ask it was a big task I put on myself and then realizing that actually no
00:07:07
Speaker
I remember when I started dating again and I went to the gynecologist and I said, do you know what? There's something really weird happening down there. It's like there's some white fluff coming out and says, oh, if you haven't had any sex for years and you haven't used a wand or a vibrator or anything else inside there, of course, it's a little bit cop webby.
Unveiling Tantra's Holistic Nature
00:07:30
Speaker
and just dead cells where I was shredding dead cells from my vagina. I mean this is bizarre. I need to keep this
00:07:43
Speaker
plays up and running on a regular practice of pleasure. And that's why I feel that pleasure is our birthright. It's everybody's birthright. We really need to practice pleasure. We need to have that self pleasure practice. And I think that's the, that's how I started to learn Tantra. I'd heard it in my twenties, but I didn't, you know, it was, you know, interesting. And I did my experiments and whatever, but life gets on the way. And now I really want to demyth Tantra.
00:08:13
Speaker
I want everybody to reclaim what it's for them. For me, it's not polyamory. For me, it's not about orgies. For me, it's not about cheating and just trying to be spiritual. For me, it's quite grounded practice and it's fun. It's fun and it's revolutionary even. And I think it's important to reclaim what really was our birthright.
00:08:38
Speaker
I totally agree. And I'm excited to dive into the thread of Tantra. Before we do, I'd love to know how important do you believe sex is in a happy, fulfilling marriage or long-term relationship? Well, I'm biased. I didn't have it. So yeah, I definitely, I mean, obviously I did have three children, so I didn't, must've had it at one point. But no, I think, and I don't know, I've always been on the spiritual and self-development journey ever since I was in my teenage years. And I've had,
00:09:08
Speaker
lots of interesting phenomena and experiences. In those days when I was still in politics, I channeled my sexual energy into spiritual energy. And I think that gave me, without me realizing, a lot of magnetism and charisma. And maybe that's why, because people used to say that, oh, I have no idea what you're saying, but it's absolutely amazing. And, you know, I just feel so good around it. So understand that there's a lot of energy phenomena there when you abstain.
00:09:37
Speaker
but it didn't do good for our marriage. It didn't do good for myself. And I think there needs to be a balance. I mean, some people are asexual, some people have less sex and they still have a connection. And like me, I'm very energetic in my erotic blueprint so I can have energy orgasms.
00:09:53
Speaker
with somebody who's thousands of miles away and doesn't even, I don't touch myself, they don't necessarily touch themselves, but I can just feel their sexual energy. And I think that's just something that everybody can learn. So it's just very diverse. And I think that's the thing, we don't understand really the true potential of sexual energy. Because I believe it's our creative energy, obviously, because we all have been created through sex.
00:10:19
Speaker
And we can channel that into creative pursuits, we can create lots of masterpieces, whatever. But it's also our spiritual energy. We know that from Tantra, 5,000 years ago, it was created for people who wanted enlightenment, but couldn't just go into a monastery or ashram and meditate forever. It's for ordinary people like you and I who have businesses, who have responsibilities in the real world. And I think that's beautiful.
00:10:46
Speaker
Hmm. I do too. So give us a little overview. What is Tantra? Like dumb it down for us for people who have never heard of Tantra. So I know people listening to this will be like, I've heard of it, but they have misconceptions around what it is or they think it's some woo or something that like sex obsessed people are into. So what is Tantra? That's a very good question. And I, I do have a podcast called Tantric Sexful Lovers and Others. And I think the first episode is kind of
00:11:16
Speaker
What is Tantra? And I mumble and then I say, actually, I have no clue. It could be this, it could be that, it could be this, and then in the end, I have no idea. It feels to me that more I dive into, less I know. But the way I've explained it is that it's a very holistic system where it's like an inner technology where we can use our bodies, our body mind to actually
00:11:39
Speaker
channel our energies in a way we want. So we can use sexual energy to actually create whatever we want, as I said earlier, but it's also to heal, it's to have more beautiful relationships, it's to use holistic tantric sex tools, such as intention and focus and presence and breathing and movement and energy. You can really
00:12:03
Speaker
tap into something which is very powerful, which is your body. So it's, you know, intentional, we believe.
00:12:10
Speaker
that this body is real, this world is real, so it's not about just meditate and transcend, this is illusion, this is a dream, it's not.
Traditional vs Neo Tantra
00:12:20
Speaker
Tantra believes, and this is where it differs from yoga, even though otherwise with Hatha Yoga, for instance, the philosophy is very similar, but Tantra believes that this is real and we are here for a purpose, and let's make it as joyful as possible. We're not supposed to suffer and have pain,
00:12:39
Speaker
It's just that spiritual, sexual, spiritual development that we can do. So yeah, I don't know. I'm weaving lots of things into it. And there in Sanskrit, it means weaving. And it has that kind of idea that you weave your sexuality, your, your, your body, your mind, all that into it. But for me, it's much more than sex. And Neo Tantra, which came to the West from Asia,
00:13:06
Speaker
in the 60s, 70s is very much sexualized. And the sex became norm. And if you look at porn and put tundra in there, it's all this very essential massage. And it's just not that on its own. It's so much more. And it's a way of life for me, definitely.
00:13:24
Speaker
So how do you personally interact with Tantra? Like how do you practice it in your own daily life? Is that with self? Are you practicing Tantra? Is this like a solo thing you can do or do you do this with other people? What's your own, if you're open to sharing your own sort of personal interaction with Tantra?
00:13:43
Speaker
Well, I think I've always been very fascinated by sex. So for me, it's also about sex. I'm not trying to say it's not. So, yes, I use ancient Taoist practice called jadeg or yoniag, which is very healing. It's very pleasurable practice for women. But I also practice the philosophy, which is very much about
00:14:05
Speaker
being one with everything and everything has consciousness.
Tantric Practices for Wellness
00:14:09
Speaker
Those are the kind of two major things that there is something
00:14:14
Speaker
with you and I, for instance, that connects us and that's the consciousness. And we can be one with everything, you know, whether it's a tree, whether, so we bring the kind of little bit of like Zen Buddhism into it as well, because that's one of the things where some of the areas where Tantra flourished, not just India and China, but also in Tibet and Kashmir, even Japan.
00:14:40
Speaker
So there are lots of different schools of thought of Tantra from past two to 5,000 years. And it's something that for me, I'm just, it's like a mindfulness practice, I suppose would be the Western word for it. And I use the tools I said, you know, like breath work, movement, energy. I just practice very mindfully that I have good energy and I take responsibility of the energy.
00:15:06
Speaker
that I possess when I come to any table, to any setting. I take responsibility for my own happiness. I take responsibility for my own sexuality and pleasure as well. So it's not me to outsource to anybody else, but of course we can practice with a partner. And there are people who do have tantric practices in polyamory settings or even autism, but that's just something that I don't personally practice. For me, it's an individual practice and in a relationship.
00:15:36
Speaker
So how can people start to get into this world of Tantra? Like where would be the basics, the most simple practices for people as individual women? And then if they wanted to bring that into a relationship, what's the first, is there a step-by-step process? Like where do you typically guide people to start?
00:15:57
Speaker
That's a beautiful question. I would always take the initiative from the person, the woman herself, you know, what is most utmost for her. I think it's, especially as women, we need to really accept ourselves. And it's just looking at that you've been giving this beautiful body. What do you love about your body? What do you love about yourself? What do you love about your vulva, your vagina? And those are the things that we don't, we're not taught, we're not
00:16:23
Speaker
taught to explore. For us, it's like a Barbie with nothing in there. You don't see even a hole. And yet, if you think about it, our clitoris has been made purely for pleasure. It's got 10,000 nerve endings.
00:16:38
Speaker
10,000 based on the latest research. And Penis, the head of Penis, has 4,000. Not that there is a comparison, it just puts it, and Penis is a, may I add, Penis is a multitasking organ. So there is a lot that we are not told and taught. And therefore, if we talk about tantric sex, it's very important to start with that
00:17:02
Speaker
reclamation that you are beautiful, you're not broken, you're whole and you're perfect as you
Reclaiming Pleasure and Body Awareness
00:17:09
Speaker
are. Whatever you've gone through, you always have, you know, yes, you have this body and mind, but you also are beautiful consciousness. And I think that's very liberating. And then when you can learn to really
00:17:22
Speaker
just accept your pussy as it is, as she is, and see divinity in there and sacredness in there, and that your body is truly a temple, and you honor it, you really are mindful what you put in it, whether it's your mouth or your pussy or whatever orifice, you'd be mindful what you put in there, and how and when. So you're really listening and tuning in. What feels most loving and kind and nourishing and pleasurable for me right now?
00:17:52
Speaker
And no, it's very difficult for women. It's very difficult. I've not been taught that approach to our bodies, to pleasure, to sex. Yeah, but also not. We've been told that it's dirty, sinful, something in the shadows, or we shouldn't be enjoying ourselves. I mean, it's just a lot of, you know, taboos and conditionings that need to be dismantled first.
00:18:20
Speaker
100%, I totally agree. And I 100% resonate with that approach for women have to go on this journey themselves of reclaiming their pussy and their pleasure and their power. And the next step after that, if they're in a relationship and they're desiring more from that relationship in terms of intimacy, depth, connection, then I think it's really powerful for them to do that self journey and then invite their partner into the depth with them. So I'd love to know something that you talk about is
00:18:50
Speaker
this difference between physical sex and more of a sacred conscious type sex. And I'm really excited to talk about this because most people don't know that there's different kinds of sex. I think most of society are practicing this physical act. So can you talk a little bit about the difference and then we'll dive into conscious and sacred type of sex. So what is physical sex? Are there different types of sex? Share a little bit around this.
00:19:19
Speaker
Oh, what a question. I suppose we have a very masculine way of looking at sex in the Western world. It's very much about the arousal, the climax and rest and relaxation.
Beyond Orgasm-Focused Sex
00:19:39
Speaker
So it's like going to pull that peak and then it's gone. And yet as women, we're really pleasurable creatures. We've been created for
00:19:49
Speaker
pleasure creation. We just talked about the clitoris and obviously we give birth, we create life, we have so much energy in our bodies and yet we don't know how to use it and we can very easily feel that okay it's boring it's always the same as described earlier you know that it's that
00:20:08
Speaker
that peak experience and yet we can have multiple orgasms. We can be in a pleasure state for a long time. There can be just waves after waves and it doesn't have to be like that. It can be, you know, it can just transform into so many different ways when we are allowed to take the goal of having an orgasm.
00:20:28
Speaker
and a particular type of orgasm away when we have that liberation that we can just enjoy pleasure what is pleasurable for me and some you know it's just like even touching you know if you know let's there's a lot of grabbing and there's a lot of slapping and there's a lot of you know spanking and there's a lot of hair pulling
00:20:46
Speaker
if you watch any typical porn.
Faking Orgasms and Intimacy Issues
00:20:50
Speaker
Most women don't like that, but they think this is it. This is what we need to be doing. And there's a lot of acting and performance and faking. And when you think about it, who does it serve?
00:21:02
Speaker
Statistics tell us that women fake an orgasm because first they want to please the man. They don't want to hurt his ego. They want to get it over and done with so that they can do something which is more pleasurable for them. I mean, there's millions of reasons and it's so sad. If you think about it as on the relationship point of view, what partner would want that? Honestly, it's not serving anybody.
00:21:28
Speaker
And then you lack intimacy, you lack connection. And then the love starts eroding and the pleasure just fades away. So when we can really be in that pleasurable moment and really explore and be curious, why can't we just be more playful about sex and just be curious what really feels good for me? So just think about the touch. So it can be just really that very sexual touch, a little bit of breast nibble,
00:21:55
Speaker
biting or whatever stimulation and a little bit of yeah so we all know what that means but then you can also feel do I actually want more sensual touch which is just like what would that look like Tantra's portrait in the porn industry so maybe that's more like it or is it something that actually I like more stronger deeper muscle touch or do I actually
00:22:22
Speaker
like touching just above my hand. Is that something that, can you feel the electricity? Can you feel the sexual energy even without touching? And I realized that I feel that a lot. I can actually feel if there is sexual energy in the room or as I said earlier on further away. And I don't know when that happened. I don't know why that happened, but I just started to feel
00:22:48
Speaker
people so my sexuality is very energetic and i don't even need to touch myself to actually have the utmost beautiful orgasms so it can be anything from there but again you need to know the holistic sex tools you need to know how to use your breath how do you use your movement how do you use your sounding
00:23:06
Speaker
How do you use your focus? Where do you put your mind into? And what do you do with that energy? I love this because I think people don't even realize that they can go back to the basics, right, of let me explore with myself and with another person, whether that's your partner or your lover, how we like to touch one another. There's so many assumptions of women are touched in this way, but actually it's so individual. And so I think this is empowering for people to even learn going back to those basics that
00:23:34
Speaker
you have to really get to know yourself and each other. And it starts outside of sex. So it's not like, how does your clit like to be rubbed? It's like, how does your arm like to be touched? How does your hair want to be felt? Do you know what I mean? But people go straight into the sexual and they're missing it. And I think that's why it is so physical. So what does it look like or what is the experience when people are moving from
00:24:02
Speaker
this physical act where as you so rightly share that most okay maybe not most but a high majority of women are not truly enjoying or desiring or craving or getting pleasure from unfortunately how can people move from that to and what does it look like to have more of a sacred sex experience it really has to start with communication conscious communication it's really about having that kind of connection through
00:24:31
Speaker
talking things first and there are different ways of setting up that container which doesn't come from criticism or blame or it's just something that is shared and it can be then
00:24:45
Speaker
Yeah, and there are lots of different ways you can approach. You can have questionnaires and you can have wish lists and you can see where you both come together in a similar way, what would you really want from sex life and so on. But it's really about the conscious communication and talking about. One of the things is that because we're faking, humankind fakes too much about happiness, it fakes too much about
00:25:08
Speaker
orgasms and everything is okay. That's very much ingrained in Western cultures. There is no space for vulnerability and vulnerability is the most sexiest thing there can be. I mean any man who can see that woman is truly being her authentic self and doesn't
00:25:25
Speaker
try to put facade and being in control and trying to will say that's one of the most beautiful things they've seen actually most beautiful when you've been crying and you're just relaxing and letting it go or you're laughing you're enjoying so much that you know really we yourself and women they say that that a man who's 100 present in the moment with with within their body is the sexiest of all so man doesn't need to think about performers
00:25:51
Speaker
doesn't need to be anxious, does she like this or does she not? So if we can take all those away and really get naked symbolically as well, to really peel off those cultural layers and what we've learned about sex.
00:26:08
Speaker
and really get curious and vulnerable and playful and just let's see what happens. I think that's a very good place to start, but it is difficult. I'm not kidding anybody there, but it's not that easy. And if you can have a nice pathway where you start doing these things, maybe under coaching or maybe on a course or maybe going on a retreat, where you're guided in that container, it's easier, definitely.
00:26:33
Speaker
But yeah, there's millions of books, there's lots of online content.
Tantra vs Mainstream Porn
00:26:38
Speaker
Yeah, so just don't go on a porn site to look for Tantra because that can be a bit misleading. I don't know, somebody might like it or whatever rocks your boat. But the whole idea, as I said earlier, Tantra is an inner technology, so you find the pleasure within. It's not something that is out there and you need to get stimulus from your visuals. But actually, what feels good?
00:27:02
Speaker
Be more, feel more. Yeah. And I don't think that porn is really helpful. It's not educating people. People aren't leaving an experience watching or consuming porn. Wow, I really learned something empowering from this experience. That's not what it is. So I think in this context, leaving it to the side is probably
00:27:27
Speaker
in the relation of this topic is going to be helpful. Although there is different porn, I think porn is becoming a lot more ethical and empowering and women are starting to... They're often not behind a paywall, so how many people actually do that? I don't know. Yeah. And to be honest, I think there is lots to be said when in the olden days there were porn magazines and stories and books and novels.
00:27:52
Speaker
because now it's all, it seems to be reduced to body parts. There's no tantillation, there's no, they obviously say that it's a women's thing to have a Harlequin novel or something where it's a romantic story, but actually there is lots to be said that your mind is your biggest sex organ. Don't you agree?
00:28:15
Speaker
I do, yeah, absolutely. And I think that's why we're seeing the rise now of smart books and erotic stories and different subscriptions that women are getting into because they get to allow their imagination to go wild and it's an empowering way of
00:28:32
Speaker
playing with fantasy and letting themselves connect with their own turn on through these different forms because the traditional porn is just not it and not helpful. So it's
Exploring Personal Turn-Ons
00:28:43
Speaker
cool to see women reclaiming more and it's becoming more mainstream now with social media that women are seeing, oh, it's actually okay to engage in these forms of literature or audio stories because I think that does help with the reclaiming. So I'm all for that, which I love.
00:29:01
Speaker
And don't forget that even in sexology, in sexual education now and research, they found that we have different breaks and accelerators. So people can have, and it's not gender-based. So you need to really understand what turns you on and what breaks on your turn on. So that's very important in terms of understanding what really makes you tick.
00:29:25
Speaker
And often there are issues of safety and issues of belonging and not being criticized. And that's one of the things. The other thing is that also because of
00:29:41
Speaker
You know the yin and yang of energy, yeah? So it's kind of wrongly, in my opinion, said masculine, feminine energy. But anybody, regardless of what gender you were born or if you're a non-gender body and so on, everybody has a different energy in a technology system. And this is what I refer in Tantra that we need to learn.
00:30:03
Speaker
whether my pussy and somebody's cock, for instance, are opposite or not. That's where the opposite attracts comes from. So pussy is very much yin energy, which needs a lot of, it's watery, so it requires a lot of heating up. Water boils very slowly. Whereas cock is very much a yang energy, so it's fiery. It can be turned on immediately. So there is that kind of mismatch in a way, but opposite attracts. So of course men can be immediately sexually turned on.
00:30:33
Speaker
But pussy on people, it takes them much longer. It can take 45 minutes for a woman to orgasm, actually. And we know how quickly men can come. Sorry. No, no disrespect. But then with the heart space, it's opposite.
00:30:49
Speaker
women's breast area is very young, so the love is very available very quickly. And talking about emotions and being emotional, it's very easy for women to get that way turned on emotionally. And men, on the other hand, they cross their figurative legs over their chest because their chest space is very, their heart space is very yin, and they need to be feeling safe before they open their hearts.
Sex as a Sacred Act
00:31:15
Speaker
But it's easier for them to go into sex,
00:31:19
Speaker
and then open their heart. And I just heard recently, can I share a story? Yeah, please. There was a very interesting discussion we had a few weeks ago here. And there was somebody who was saying that there was a couple, an example, they were telling a story of an example of a couple. There's a man who was cheating the woman, having sex with multiple other women. And the woman in the partnership, she had been texting with another guy and kissed the other guy.
00:31:49
Speaker
but didn't have sex, but was flirting and just one guy. And this man in the partnership got really upset and jealous saying, I can't believe you're flirting with him and I can't believe you kissed him and how dare you, this is, you know, I'm having it, I've had enough, blah, blah, blah. And they nearly split up and she was obviously pleading, I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have done it and then blah, blah, blah. But then,
00:32:14
Speaker
After some weeks, this guy then realized, well, yeah, actually I did cheat as well, you know, don't feel so bad. So what do you mean? Yeah, I had sex with three women, three women individually, you know, not as a foursome, but three individually. And said, what? You had sex? You know, that's worse than me kissing this guy. I don't know. The man thought that it was worse because she actually gave her heart. She was flirting, she was kissing and she was fantasizing about him and she was thinking about him.
00:32:43
Speaker
And she thought that he did worse because he actually had sex. And she said, I can't believe you actually had sex with them. And he said, I can't believe you were flirting and kissing him. So can you see the mismatch of, you know, for a man in that particular case, it was worse that the woman had opened her heart because he would never have opened heart to these three women that he had to casual sex with. But the woman, yeah, and the woman said, you had sex, this is it, you're done.
00:33:12
Speaker
It's such a great reminder for women that sex is such a sacred act. And for men, they don't often see it that way, especially they can have sex in a very disconnected way. And women fall in love through sex. Women are finding that connection and feeling that closeness. Such a great story to illustrate the differences between men and women and the act of sex. Yeah. Thank you for sharing that. That's really powerful. I love the.
00:33:40
Speaker
how you shared as well that pussy is.
00:33:43
Speaker
water and cock is fire. That's such a great visual to have for people or women to have in their mind as well. And that permission that we're not supposed to go straight into the physical act of sex. Like we're missing out on so much when we're doing that. And just if you're putting a pan of water on the grill top or whatever it's called, the cooktop, you're not going to have it boiling in 30 seconds. It's going to take a little bit of time.
00:34:10
Speaker
No, I just think how long it takes to scratch matches or, you know, fire on. So it is a good example. That is a really good example. Yeah. So going back to the piece around conscious communication, do you have any insights or tips for people? How do you start that? Because I feel like the opening for people is so terrifying of how do I approach this conversation with my partner?
00:34:37
Speaker
Do you mean in context of sex or just generally? In terms of if there's somebody who if there's a woman who has perhaps maybe been a little bit performative or faking orgasms or not really receiving as much pleasure as she would like or she's just not interested you know I think a lot of women
00:34:54
Speaker
are not really enjoying the sex that they're having. And maybe listening to this podcast, she's, oh, there's more. And I want to explore that. Where would you, like, where do you even begin in trying to enroll your partner into the discussion that let's explore different ways of interacting and maybe start exploring Tantra or the energetics that can. Yeah.
00:35:15
Speaker
Yeah, I think you just said it. I mean, it's just that. It's not to criticize or judge or imply that there hasn't been a good sex. You can approach it by saying that we've had amazing sex and I really would like us to evolve and do things more sexually diverse way.
Balancing Yin and Yang in Sex
00:35:33
Speaker
And how about edging, for instance, because that will help men to
00:35:37
Speaker
to calm down. So you go into, if you think about zero to 10, and 10 is the ejaculation and zero is no tone at all. By the time they get to eight, it's a nine, it's kind of time to have a relaxation period where you just cool down in a way because the fire is burning too fast. And you can use the holistic sex tools, breathing and movement and sounding and all those things can help. And especially energy circulation can help to cool things down.
00:36:07
Speaker
and it's just something that I think men might have even heard through porn what is edging and they have some kind of a concept and that's very much about tantric sex as well is where you can really be in the moment and you can not control but flow with the yin and yang so if you go really fast boom and you're breathing very fast you're kicking your
00:36:30
Speaker
yang energy and you're kicking your sympathetic nervous system into place. So that's the usual way because your body has learned this is how we wank, this is how we fuck and this is the model and actually
00:36:45
Speaker
Let's try something different. Let's try the yin energy, which is very much about being in rest and relaxation, parasympathetic nervous system response, which is more about maybe sensuality, maybe feeling into the other person's energy, maybe doing some eye gazing, which can be extremely vulnerable.
Alternative Sexual Practices
00:37:04
Speaker
But so sexy and breathing together in sync your breathing and breathing in and out and just holding each other and allowing to focusing on your genitals and allowing to feel the feel the sexual energy to turn on. And again, you can still have sex with a non erect penis. It's absolutely beautiful. It's one of the most beautiful tantric experiences is to actually have what I call lazy sex.
00:37:32
Speaker
Can you talk about that a little bit? Yeah, so for instance, I mean, it's not just for hangover mornings, by the way. But that's how it's gone down the grape vines is that
00:37:46
Speaker
That's what happens when you don't really feel energetic, but you feel like you would like to have sex. And why not make it a conscious decision? Let's have a sex date night to night and let's meet each other and just be with each other and start touching. Maybe you can bring some oils, maybe you can massage oils, or maybe you can just do some sensual
00:38:11
Speaker
You can bring like scarves or you can bring feathers or you can bring a fork or whatever it feels stimulates the touch. Or if you want, you can do a play fight. That's really much in this realm as well is to have some fun. Just take a couple of pillows and start bashing each other just as like kids and see where that takes you. And it can be really good release and liberative act. But if we go into the Lacey sex, it's very much about then having
00:38:41
Speaker
intercourse with a non-erect penis which is really quite lovely and obviously you need to be lubricated so using lube or organic coconut oil so that there is no friction because you don't ever want friction in inside vagina so always use lubrication even with an erect penis but this is something that you can do when you are
00:39:06
Speaker
lying down. A woman can be on her back and men can be on his side and you can just feel how can you see yourself in a position where the penis can go in and just use your inner muscles if you're a woman. How can you use your pelvic floor muscles to massage, giving a hand job while the penis is inside you and really start learning.
00:39:29
Speaker
And there the jadec practice comes in again. As I said earlier, I mentioned that it's really to heal the cobwebs from your pussy and learn to isolate different muscles.
00:39:42
Speaker
so that you can really start feeling the pleasure again and heal the numbness perhaps that's been there and most likely before you know that penis will have grown and even if it doesn't it's still a beautiful practice and there's no need to have an orgasm or ejaculation just having that connection
00:40:03
Speaker
I love that. And that sounds really cool. I've never heard anybody talk about this before. Imagine that you're giving a hand massage, but you're using your vagina muscles. That is so cool. I need to try that. I need to try that out.
00:40:19
Speaker
Because when you use the yoni egg, you can start to really connect with those different muscles, right? And move the egg up and down. So that's such a cool idea. And I think giving men and women permission that you don't have to only have sex with a rock solid penis, you can also have a different kind of sex and how beautiful
00:40:41
Speaker
and slow and soft and connective, is that going to be? Thank you for sharing that. Oh, pleasure. I'll report back. Yes, please. Well, need to find a partner first too. Just practice with the ODI. Is that an advertisement? Is that an advertisement? Applications are now open. Yeah, exactly.
00:41:09
Speaker
Yeah, for some lazy sex. I love this. This is...
00:41:16
Speaker
I told you, plant by name, not by nature. 100%. Oh my God, that's epic. Need to cut that clip and post it on Instagram. DMs are open. No, I'm totally joking. Maybe I'm
The Art of Tantric Kissing
00:41:27
Speaker
not. Maybe I'm not. I would love to ask you about tantric kissing. I saw you sharing about this on your Instagram. What is tantric kissing? Oh.
00:41:42
Speaker
Well, wow. Again, perhaps because I'm more energetically turned on person, I can feel erotism in any energy really. I can really feel that there's creative energy in the world everywhere. And kissing is something that, again, if we're taking the yin and yang. So normally when we kiss, it's very, it can be very hot and more you have tongue involvement, more yang, it becomes more hot, more fire.
00:42:10
Speaker
So actually tantric kissing as such doesn't involve tongue. So it's just keep your tongue inside and you're just really feeling just about touching and just really feeling the other person's cheek or the lips and just really playing and building that energy, building that sexual tension.
00:42:30
Speaker
and and it can go on for hours. I've actually once been standing in Soho on a street corner in the middle of the night kissing for two hours in in the bleak mintes night and and yeah
00:42:46
Speaker
completely oblivious what was going around and it was the most sexiest thing ever. And it was just unbelievably hot, but it was very conscious. It wasn't like eating your, eating the other's tongues, but it was really very, I suppose it could be essential as well, but for me, it was definitely very energizing. The sexual energy was building up hugely and I was buzzing for weeks after that.
00:43:17
Speaker
Wow. So to clarify, this kissing is not the full tongue action where it's hot and heavy and there's like tongues rolling around. This, is it more just with the lips or is it more of a still kiss and you're just using energy or are you moving your lips?
00:43:35
Speaker
around and using your tongue to explore different parts of their mouth. Give me the specifics here. Because I'm like, how are you doing this for two hours? I was going to say that for two hours, I don't think I was just standing there and just kind of, you know, two millimeters away of somebody's lips. I don't think that's how it happened. But I mean, when you are in an experience, you really you are. And this is what's very tantric as well, is that you are the experience itself. You become the experience itself.
00:44:05
Speaker
So I became with this guy, The Kiss.
00:44:09
Speaker
So it's very much about being in the experience. And then every now and then I was also being very conscious that I'm also the kisser. So I'm the subject here. So I'm also consciously, oh, am I going to bite a little bit here? You know, just a little bit. And it's that kind of, oh, what feels good to me now? What feels most pleasurable for me now? And it's really having that, being aware what's happening. So it's also that consciousness. So in Tantra, it's about being a consciousness.
Wishlist for Tantric Exploration
00:44:38
Speaker
So you're being aware that you're aware.
00:44:41
Speaker
That's the first step in enlightenment, for instance, that you become aware that you're aware. But also we are humans. We are not just spirits. We're not just souls. So we are humans. So we have that subject. I'm a subject. I'm the subject of my own kissing. I'm a subject of my own life, my own pleasure. So I'm the experiencer, but I'm also the experiencer. And I think when you truly are fully 100% present in your body,
00:45:09
Speaker
and and you are in the moment you just you get drowned in that experience and it's just that's why it is funny and still we talk about sometimes and and it is funny how people were walking past and would you like some drugs or whatever would you like an Airbnb
00:45:31
Speaker
No thanks, we're quite fine here. Adding this to the 2024 wish list. Two hours of tantric kissing where I got so lost in the experience that I'm just standing in the street corner. I'm literally going to add that one.
00:45:50
Speaker
to my 2024 bucket list. Okay, so here you go. You're Mr. Tantric sex applicant, Tantric sex, lazy sex Tantric kissing in the street corner of a city somewhere in the middle of the
00:46:02
Speaker
January night. Exactly. We're getting a list here. So whoever wants to submit their application. And the last thing I'm going to add to the list, and this is kind of a way that I explain it for, let's say to muggles, like people who don't understand or don't understand these concepts yet, the way I explain my desire for the kind of sex I want is I say, I really am desiring alien sex. I don't want physical sex. I desire a sex. Imagine the kind of sex that aliens would have.
00:46:31
Speaker
because everyone understands the concept behind aliens. It would be so energetic. Like they probably wouldn't even be touching. It would be intellectual. It would be energy. It would be this connection, but wild, like high vibrational. That's what I desire. So we'll add that to the application too. Yeah. Yeah. May it all come true.
00:46:51
Speaker
and more oh man also i like the idea about aliens because if they can if you were like an anthropologist i can't pronounce that word anthrop anthropology anthropology yeah that's the one that's the one i never can pronounce so anyway so if you went somewhere
00:47:07
Speaker
Like an alien and you saw people having sex or you met somebody and you were supposed to have sex it's kind of you don't have a concept you don't know what this is you don't understand what's happening so kind of bringing that curiosity.
Child-like Curiosity in Sex
00:47:20
Speaker
Bringing that child like playfulness and exploration i think that's really beautiful and we've lost all that.
00:47:27
Speaker
Yeah, so it's just kind of, oh, do you like if I touch you like this? Or do you like if I do this? Or what would feel most pleasurable to you now? Am I touching you too hard? Is it too fast? Is it too soft? Is it too slow? And just checking, just going back to the conscious communication, just check, ask, ask. Yeah, it's quite simple really. And you will be receiving.
00:47:48
Speaker
Yeah. And I think people don't also realize that permission, that it's going to change. Every time you're having sex, you might want something different. It might feel different. You might have different desires. That's why it's really important to constantly communicate and never make assumptions.
00:48:04
Speaker
Yes, and I suppose on your wish list as well, it has to be an open-minded guy, somebody who is not kind of, okay, I cracked it, she likes this every time the same old, she liked this one, no, hang on, I might have liked it a week ago or yesterday or just two hours ago, but now is now, what do I like now? And women be empowered in that, just your whole,
00:48:25
Speaker
Energy is fluid. You're flowing with the energy. As a female body, you are there to just be pressed and just flow. And what is pleasurable to you? It's not just about service to others. It's also service to yourself. And, you know, like in religion, they always say things like, oh, you need to love the others as you love yourself. But that means that you actually love yourself first.
00:48:51
Speaker
So if you love somebody, you need to love yourself equally as much. If you want somebody to have pleasure, you need to have equally as much pleasure. You need to know what's pleasurable to you before you can give it to others and never outsource your pleasure.
00:49:06
Speaker
I've had, I've had coaching clients who say that even in their later thirties, they've never self-pleasured because they always thought that the men know better. Yeah. And it's their responsibility to pleasure me and give me an orgasm. And I said, poof, poor guys.
Women's Responsibility in Pleasure
00:49:22
Speaker
So the pressure, isn't it?
00:49:24
Speaker
And I'm a men's sexuality coach as well as tantra coach. I do see men who are very conscious and beautiful souls who really want to serve their women and they don't know how. It's kind of, this doesn't work. Our sex doesn't work. Why is that? So everything we just discussed needs to be taught to men. And they need to really, because they truly want to be good lovers. They truly do. Yeah. They just don't know. And it is the woman's responsibility to be a master of her own body.
00:49:53
Speaker
self source her own pleasure and then take that into a relationship. And I think it's transformational for both parties involved in that. So women, go touch yourself, go push yourself, get used to exploring your own body and your own pleasure. And life really does change. It takes a different route when you are really deeply connected to your own pleasure. I see that all the time with the women that I work with. It changes when you know that you have this infinite supply
00:50:22
Speaker
of pleasure that you can tap into even in the deepest and the darkest moments of your life. That's always
Joy in Conversations about Intimacy
00:50:28
Speaker
there for you to support you and to nourish you. So I love this. Amazing. Well, I've loved this conversation so much. I could keep going all day. I have three questions. This is like kissing in a Soho coin. Hours and hours we can just be in this experience and really enjoy each other's company and just
00:50:47
Speaker
flow with this discussion, where do we go next? And oh, this is interesting, rabbit hole. Shall we just go there? And we're only in, yeah, we're in the foreplay. We're in the like the energetic touch, the tongue kissing portion. We could keep going deeper and deeper. This isn't even scratching this. No tongues though, because that will finish them off too quickly. Oh my God, I love it so much. So to kind of cap this, I have questions I'm going to ask you that I ask all of my guests, but to cap this off,
00:51:15
Speaker
What would you want to say to put a bow on this conversation?
Vision of a Pleasure-Embracing World
00:51:19
Speaker
What do you want to leave people with? I want people to have more pleasure. If this world, just to say again, going back to my politician years, to save this planet for my children, that's still my mission. And I realised that if we had more pleasure, positive and happy people,
00:51:38
Speaker
We wouldn't have wars. We wouldn't have raping the planet. We would just, people would be, it's that idea that if we took away all these conditionings and myths and taboos and sins and dirtiness and all that and brought sex and sexuality into light from the shadows,
00:51:57
Speaker
and really celebrated it really said yeah great well you had 10 orgasms today excellent fantastic oh you just had pleasure pleasurable kiss for two hours on the street corner fantastic oh you just ate that chocolate it took you like half an hour to eat that chocolate and you really did it in a tantric way and you really
00:52:20
Speaker
where in your five senses reality, you are really smelling it, you are really tasting it, you are really seeing its beautiful velvety. All this can be done, everything can be done in a tantric way. And it's just bringing that mindfulness and presence into things and consciousness. And I think, yeah, if we have more pleasure positive people, the world would be okay.
Personal Healing and Happiness
00:52:43
Speaker
powerful and I had goosebumps as you were sharing the fact that your mission is still the same when you were in politics as it is now as a tantric sex and relationship coach it's just the way that you are going about that mission is very different but the fact that it's the same is incredible wow if you think about it I realized because of my burnout I realized that I can't change the world
00:53:08
Speaker
It's beyond my control. I just, I can't take responsibility for the whole fucking world. End of story. And the second thing is that I can't change anybody else. There's no, and this is where women go wrong. Often it's women who try to change the men because we have that open yang energy in our heart space. We know exactly what to say and do and how to feel and how things, and also our third eye is yang. So we also have the insights and intuition.
00:53:35
Speaker
very quick and sharp. So I realized we can't change anybody else. And the only thing I can do is to heal myself and have more pleasure in myself. And when I'm happy, other people around me are happy. And more we can have that ripple effect. The happier the world will become.
00:53:53
Speaker
Powerful, making a note of that one. That was a perfect way to cap this off and permission slip for women to focus on that with themselves. So I would love to know, what is something that you are celebrating right now in your life? Oh, I'm celebrating really big time that I'm going to, I live in France now. I'm going to co-host a tantric retreat in April.
00:54:20
Speaker
And it's also going to be repeated in October and it's going to be in a beautiful French elegant chateau and in the middle of Bordeaux vineyards and what orchards and walnut groves. And it's something that has been a dream of mine so long because obviously I graduated during COVID and started doing online coaching and it's not the same. I'm a broadcaster, it's not the same.
00:54:48
Speaker
as being in front of people actually seeing feeling the energy and as a breath worker i'm a certified breast coach as well i can help people to really i can see how breast can help couples so it's a tantric retreat for beginners couples
00:55:05
Speaker
and it's only three days long so it's not going to take it only to go to the jungles of the other side of the world for 10 days or whatever it's just something i'm celebrating co-creating at the moment and it's it just makes me so happy it's just i said oh really show people how this is done
00:55:23
Speaker
I'm celebrating that for you as well. And I'm also celebrating the people who are going to get to experience your magic because wow, like how powerful is that for people to get to go away for a few days and practice a different way of being and then take that back into that everyday life that's going to be incredible. So we'll definitely add the links to the show notes so people can check out your amazing creation.
00:55:46
Speaker
That's really exciting. Thank you. What is something that is bringing you pleasure right now? Oof. Oof. It was so bloody cold here. If there was a sauna being finished, I really would like to have a sauna, but there isn't a sauna. Oh, what's bringing me pleasure right now?
00:56:05
Speaker
I think it's because it's Christmas time. It's starting to become Christmas and the chateau where I live, we are decorating it at the moment. So there's Christmas trees and baubles and there's a live singer who comes and sings, practices her songs and you just go downstairs in the reception rooms and there's live music going on and people are busy building the Christmas magic here. It's really beautiful and yeah, that gives me a lot of pleasure.
00:56:31
Speaker
that I have an opportunity to celebrate Christmas here. That sounds magical. I absolutely love that. And the final question is, if there were one thing that you could choose that everybody on the planet could experience, what would that one thing be? Pleasure.
00:56:51
Speaker
Of course, pleasure. Whatever it looks like to them. What is the most pleasurable for me right now? What is the most loving for me right now? What is the most kindest thing for me right now? It's just going in and in and really digging deep. What makes me happy? What makes me feel more pleasurable? What makes me feel more peaceful?
00:57:13
Speaker
Love that. Great questions to cap this up off with. I think people should write those questions down in their notes or in their journal and really take a couple of moments to consider and act on those desires that come through of what, what is going to bring you pleasure in this moment.
00:57:31
Speaker
So thank you so much for being here. This has been such a good conversation. Oh my gosh. I have loved it. Let people know where they can find and connect with you. I'm always happy to hear from people. So either email Anne with an E at selfishlyhappyyou.com or you can find me on social media as selfishly happy with Anne Bland. Thank you so much.
00:57:55
Speaker
It's been such a good one. Enjoy the rest of your day. Finding pleasure in whatever way lights you up. And thanks again for being here. Thank you so much. My pleasure entirely.