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Love, Loss & Letting Go: Healing, Dating in Your 30s and Creating an Exceptional Life with Alessia Scauzillo | EP 8
193 Plays1 year ago
In this episode I’m joined by Alessia Scauzillo, content creator and founder of A Sculpt Body, to discuss her journey of loss, the limbo phase of a long term relationship, healing heartbreak, and dating in your 30s.
In this episode we cover:
- How to know when it's time to leave a long term relationship or marriage
- How to let go go of good to create exceptional in every area of your life
- The challenge of being in the limbo phase of a long term relationship
- Therapy, sprituality, mushrooms & healing from heartbreak
- Getting back out in the dating world, rebuilding your confidence & dating in your 30s
- The power of therapy and resources to find a good therapist
Alessia is an entrepreneur, content creator and advocate for living a balanced life. A Sculpt Body is Alessia Scauzillo’s workout platform and community that provides effective, low impact workouts that center whole body wellness over aesthetics based goals. Alessia is passionate about bringing women together and believes in the power of vulnerability to help others navigate things on both personal and professional levels.
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/alessiasculpt/
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@alessiasculpt?lang=en
Website: https://asculptbody.com/
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Transcript
Introduction to Alessia and Her Mission
00:00:01
Speaker
Welcome back to the unfiltered firm podcast. I am so excited for the fabulous guests that we have today. I am joined today by Alessia, who is an entrepreneur content creator and advocate for living a balanced life. She has a workout platform and community called a Scott body, which provides effective low impact workouts that center whole body wellness over aesthetic based goals. Love that.
00:00:26
Speaker
And Alessia is really passionate about bringing women together and believes in the power of vulnerability to help others navigate things on both personal and professional levels, which is what we're going to be diving into today. So Alessia, welcome to the podcast. How are you doing today?
From Finance to Entrepreneurship
00:00:39
Speaker
Thank you so much for having me. I'm feeling good and really happy to be here.
00:00:43
Speaker
All right. So let's dive in. We're going to be diving into a very juicy conversation. The theme of this podcast episode is around relationships. So I have been very inspired by your journey over the last, well, since I first found you, which was earlier this year. And I love how openly you share about your personal journey, your experiences, especially around relationships and things that you've been navigating in your personal life. So I'd love for you to
00:01:09
Speaker
Open by fully introducing yourself and whatever you feel open to share about your journey, what you've been going through over the last year or so. Absolutely. So, well, it's been an interesting couple of years, I guess for bigger picture, just a little bit about my life. Cause I do think it gives the context for the shift that I've been going through.
00:01:29
Speaker
So I actually worked for almost 10 years in finance before like leaving the finance world and starting my own business and becoming an entrepreneur and a content creator and all these things. So growing up and, you know, into university and after that, like I took a pretty traditional path. Um, you know, I went, like I finished university, I got one job and then I got another job and I was doing all the things that were expected and
00:01:58
Speaker
I ultimately a few years ago, probably five years ago now, I started to really tune in to myself and my body and what I wanted and was I really happy and all of that when it came to like a career perspective.
Navigating Divorce and Personal Growth
00:02:13
Speaker
And then at the same time, the parallel is I was with my ex-husband for 12 years. We met in university.
00:02:21
Speaker
We dated, we got married, we were together for 12 years total, married for four. So I went through this big career shift and I really started to tune into myself and my big picture of life and what did I want and what kind of life did I want to live and what made me happy and joyful and all these things with career.
00:02:42
Speaker
And then once that kind of got settled, I started to think about all those same things in a relationship context and opened up the conversation with my now ex-husband of like, are we happy? Like, is this the life that we had envisioned? Like, are we on the same path anymore? Like all of that.
00:02:59
Speaker
And it turned out that we were not. He's a wonderful person. Respect him, adore him, will love him forever. I know he thinks highly of me too. We just weren't a fit anymore. And we were mature enough to have those conversations and make that decision before we had kids together, which is, you know, I'm really grateful for. I think we could have co-parented together if we wanted to. We have that kind of respect for each other. But like, why do that if you don't have to? And so about a year ago, we decided to end our relationship.
00:03:27
Speaker
And it was really, really hard, I think, particularly because it was so good. People don't usually leave great relationships. People usually leave for a reason. And for this, there was no reason to point to. It was like, you're a good person. I do love our life together, but I don't feel like this is it for me. And we both kind of came to that conclusion where we weren't each other's forevers.
00:03:52
Speaker
So it's been a really hard year, really big adjustments, but I feel really happy and grateful for how my life has unfolded and that sort of that relationship. Then after that, I was really, I dived into the world of dating earlier this year in the winter and in the spring, dated a ton of people, had so much fun. I was really curious after my marriage ended.
00:04:16
Speaker
had an amazing time and lots of wonderful people had great experiences. And I met one person in particular who I thought like we both felt we had like a soul connection. Like we had felt like we had known each other forever. We were, and things got more serious with him. And then very suddenly kind of out of nowhere was very shocking for me. He really turned and actually became like abusive verbally and emotionally abusive. And it was, you know, I had known him for a while. Like we knew each other eight months, seven months normal. The last month is when he,
00:04:47
Speaker
turned, which is not an insignificant period of time. But it really felt like, and then after that happened, I really put my foot down and walked away, basically, because I didn't come this far, ending a 12-year relationship with a good person, being treated amazing with a wonderful person to then be in an abusive relationship with. No, that wasn't going to be the direction of my life.
Heart-led Decisions and Spiritual Guidance
00:05:08
Speaker
But when that ended, it was really hard because
00:05:11
Speaker
One, trying to reconcile the person I fell in love with with the person that he then showed himself to be. And two, I still felt like I was kind of in the grieving of my divorce.
00:05:20
Speaker
And I was, it has been only about a year. So there's been like a really roller coaster couple of years. But the reason why I give the backstory about my career change and just like my, you know, that whole side of my life is because I've always been one to tune in and make a decision from my heart. It might not be the most logical one, but it's the one that like I am called to do.
00:05:43
Speaker
You know, like leaving a finance, six figure finance career is making great money. I was on a great path to start my own business, not logical, did it anyways. Leave my 12 year relationship with my amazing ex-husband who treats me like gold and who like I adore even to this day, not logical, but also like it didn't feel like my sole person. Like, you know, and so I made the decision with my, you know, with my, my heart and then, you know, being,
00:06:10
Speaker
And being now here in this position where I don't know what's going to happen with my relationships in terms of going forward, I'm just starting to date. But knowing and trusting my heart and my soul instead of always using my mind is something that I plan to continue doing moving forward. So that was a little bit of a long introduction.
00:06:31
Speaker
I've never been one that's known to talk a little bit. I love it. And I love that you just go deep and go there because it's really powerful and so many threads to touch on from everything you shared. So really thank you for being unfiltered and just sharing so vulnerably about your experience
Abusive Relationships and Self-Trust
00:06:50
Speaker
and your journey. It's really inspiring and really powerful to hear and lots of threads that I resonate with.
00:06:56
Speaker
The first part, I just was recording a podcast before with a dating coach and it is really interesting because she was saying around three to six months is typically where the masks start to come off. So it's really interesting to hear that you are like that seven or eight months and then things started to change. Yeah. Well, I think it's important to note that we did not live in the same city. So I think we were long distance. So like, I think what took, you know, what, what took eight months total.
00:07:25
Speaker
if we had lived in the same city and we're seeing each other on the daily, I probably think it would have happened. The real him would have come out sooner, I think. And that's just... There's nothing I could have... People ask me all the time, did you see any red flags with him?
00:07:44
Speaker
Yeah, I saw red flags about whether we were going to be compatible. Like, is this my partner? I was like, okay, well, there's a couple of things. Did I see red flags for straight up rage? Like, no. Like, no. But I think if we were living in the same city, maybe those, maybe things would have come up sooner.
00:08:03
Speaker
I think sometimes there are just things that happen where there are no real like explanations for and it's always great in hindsight to reflect and see where, where could we take responsibility and see things. And sometimes this is not the case. And sometimes just shit does happen. And that kind of sounds like. Yeah. And I, I, that last month when he really like went, when he really turned, like I,
00:08:27
Speaker
I'm used to being with someone very reasonable. My ex-husband was very reasonable. When my ex-boyfriend started acting this way, I assumed it was my fault. I must have done something because my ex-husband would only ever get upset with me if it was for real. I really did something.
00:08:46
Speaker
It was never like, it never made no sense with my ex-husband, right? And with my ex-boyfriend, I assumed it was my fault and I took a lot of blame. And it was actually really hard. I gave him a few chances during that last month. I forgave him. I gave him the opportunity. I believe in people's willingness and ability to evolve and grow. And I gave him that benefit of the doubt. But I think when,
00:09:14
Speaker
What's hard for me is what's hard to realize is sometimes there actually is no explanation. Sometimes someone is actually, and I don't know, I can't diagnose him, but when someone is ill seeming, actually there's no explanation.
00:09:37
Speaker
It's so like manic, the behavior and chaotic and unstable and emotional that actually there is no explanation. And that, that was like, it took me a while to like get there, but then it was like, no, I did actually do anything wrong. Like, you know,
00:09:52
Speaker
Or everyone, I'm sure I did something wrong. Everyone does something wrong at some point. But this was not my fault. It actually just, it happened. This was him really showing me who he is. I didn't do anything. And it wasn't, yeah, it wasn't
Rejection as Protection and Courageous Choices
00:10:05
Speaker
my fault. And I definitely have so much more, I have so much more respect having been through a version of being in an abusive relationship of women who, it's very hard to leave, very hard.
00:10:17
Speaker
And I guess one for me, one day it really, really blew up and it was like, I just couldn't move past it. It was like, I just unfreevable. And I was like, we're done. This is it. I'm walking away. And for a while I was like, Oh, did I do the right thing to do it thing? And, but I'm actually, so I believe like rejection is, you know, redirection. That's what we hear all the time, but actually even broader than that, or even more than that is I think rejection is protection. And I think.
00:10:46
Speaker
him blowing up like that and kind of forcing my hand where I had to just walk away to protect myself, like safety wise and all whatever, actually was a blessing. It's protecting me from maybe going down the road longer with him, maybe getting married, having kids, whatever, all those things. So I'm trying to reframe it to be like grateful for that situation.
00:11:06
Speaker
That's really powerful. Honoring your experience and sorry to hear that you had to go through that, though I'm sure a lot of people can relate. And I definitely resonate also have experience being in relationship with someone who's experiencing mental health and some mental illness challenges. And it's definitely unique and very, very challenging and a whole different, a whole other sort of conversation that is, yeah, has its own unique circumstances, nuances, and challenges.
00:11:32
Speaker
I'd love to bring it back to the thread, which is something where I initially reached out to you, which had a massive impact on me. So going back to your marriage that you left and also the huge career shift from stable finance job to.
00:11:48
Speaker
entrepreneur which same threads of not taking the logical path but leaving something good for something great so I saw an Instagram post that you did earlier this year where you were saying something around how to leave something good for something great and at the time I was sort of in this
00:12:07
Speaker
place where I had something really good. And I haven't actually shared this. A lot of people in my life don't know that I have currently been going through a separation from my husband and I'm now single. This is a bomb drop for a lot of people. I'm sure, I'm sure some people have a little bit of an inclination of what's been going on. And I really resonated. It's a lot more complicated than that, but same thing, like something really good.
00:12:29
Speaker
sometimes you have to leave that for something great when you feel that inclination and that burning sort of feeling inside that there's just something not right here. So can you touch on that? Like that post has such a huge impact on me. So first of all, thank you for sharing about that. But I think a lot of people can relate because there are a lot of women who are settling because something on paper looks really good and maybe feels good, but they know that there's something more. So how did you kind of digest all of that and know, okay, this is good, but I want great in life.
00:12:58
Speaker
Well, first of all, I want to say I'm sorry to hear about your separation and also really proud of you and excited for you in this next chapter of your life. I think a lot of people say I'm so sorry
Striving for an Exceptional Life
00:13:12
Speaker
and that is a part of it. There's an ending that there is to be sad and sorry and grieving about, but then there's also this congratulations for entering this next phase of your life.
00:13:23
Speaker
That is the piece that I want to focus on. When people are, I'm like, I'm divorced. They're like, congrats. It's like, yeah, that's right. Because I'm taking my future into my own hands and I'm, yeah, like I'm not settling, as you said. So I just want to say to you, like, I'm sorry and congratulations. I appreciate that. I love it. I'm really excited for you.
00:13:46
Speaker
So I love that that post resonated with you so much. And I know exactly which post it is. I think I posted it in the spring. And sometimes you need to let go of something good for the possibility. And for the possibility of something great, but if it's possible and you let go of the good, something great will happen.
00:14:08
Speaker
I believe that I am meant to have an exceptional life and that's not because I'm special, that's because I believe that for myself. I want an amazing, happy, joyful, adventurous,
00:14:24
Speaker
passionate, beautiful life, and I'm creating that for myself in every area. In my career, I don't settle. I could have stayed in my finance job, but I knew that there was the possibility of something more, so I stepped into it, and then guess what? More happened for me, and this is the path that I was meant to be on. In my friendships, I have
00:14:47
Speaker
My friendships have evolved over time a lot, and right now I feel like I have so many powerful, strong, independent women that I surround myself with who are so supportive, who are kicking ass in their own careers, in their own relationships, all the things. And I feel like that area of my life is exceptional. Every area of my life is exceptional, and I want that for myself. So why, in the most important
00:15:14
Speaker
area of my life, because the person you choose to spend your life with is the most important decision you'll ever make. Why would I settle for anything less than exceptional in that area? And I don't mean that like the person, like I actually think my ex-husband is an exceptional person. I mean the relationship has to be exceptional, like, which for me means that the person has all the qualities that I want. They're warm, they're kind, they're intelligent, they're open-minded, they're not judgmental, they're, you know, like active into wellness.
00:15:44
Speaker
that all these things, but it also means that the connection has to be exceptional. For me, it's that soul connection feeling. It's that feeling of this is the person that I'm like,
00:15:56
Speaker
meant to be with in my life. And how could I not experience that? How could I not give myself the opportunity to experience that? And to give myself the opportunity to experience that, I have to let go of what is not giving me that feeling. And I think that's hard to do when you've never had that feeling before. But I have that feeling when it comes to my work, where I'm like, I know what I was doing before, did not feel great. Or it felt fine. It felt fine.
00:16:25
Speaker
Yeah, moments didn't feel great, but it felt fine. Good. And now in my job, it's like I feel so aligned, so in flow, like I'm doing what I'm meant to be doing. I have that I'm filled up feeling. So I know what that feels like. Why would I not have that or
00:16:43
Speaker
at least try for that in my relationship. And I believe that if you really want something and try for something and are ready for it, then it's gonna come to you. But to do that, you have to say goodbye to what's not working. And that's really hard. That's something I really, or it's not, sorry, not to what's not working, but to something that is not that.
00:17:03
Speaker
Which I guess inevitably means like it's not working, but like, you know, maybe it's working fine. Good, but not like amazing. And like that goodbye portion is really hard because you have to say goodbye before you get the thing you want and you, and you really have to grieve the loss. And then this is the key is like the trust of like the other great things are coming for you because you let go.
00:17:32
Speaker
of what is, you know, good. And you've declared to like the universe, the world that like you want and are ready for the great stuff. So inevitably it's going to come to you. And that's just, that's, I'm pretty like spiritual. I've leaned into my spirituality a lot the last few years.
00:17:50
Speaker
And that is what has like that trust piece has been so important and you know, like I've done it in other areas of my life. So now I'm doing it within my relationship and, and I've already seen how it's worked in my relationships. Like my most recent relationship with my ex-boyfriend, like it wasn't forever, but it definitely showed me how deeply I could feel for someone.
00:18:17
Speaker
And, you know, he wasn't the, you know, my ex-husband was, you know, was an amazing person, but I didn't feel that like, like that soul forever feeling. The next person I was with showed me that feeling. So now it's like, okay, well, I know that that's out there. So like, let me go find it, you know? Um, but that, that, I think it's really hard to trust when you've never been through it or experienced it, but I promise you, like it's possible if that's what you want for yourself.
Expanding Content Beyond Fitness
00:18:48
Speaker
I agree that everybody comes into our life. Everyone's a teacher. Every relationship serves a purpose, even when it's not what we want or would choose. There's always some gift from the experience. In hindsight, once we move through and heal, so it's really beautiful that you can see there was some lesson that came from that. And you know, you almost have that evidence from the universe of this is what's out there. This is what's possible. And now the next.
00:19:16
Speaker
person is there. And I love the leaning on spirituality because that's been really helpful for me as well to just know the way the universe works is if you step into the unknown and have the courage to go into that void, there's always something amazing on the other side, but that's really difficult for so many people. So it's really inspiring to hear that time and time again, this has been your experience because I know a lot of people look up to you and are really inspired by your journey and your life. So thank you for.
00:19:43
Speaker
for sharing that. It's really beautiful. Thank you so much. That's something that I am realizing, I guess, about myself and my platform. I think for many years, it was about the fitness for my online platform, like on Instagram, even sharing my website with my workouts, but then on Instagram and on TikTok, really, it was so much more fitness-focused.
00:20:07
Speaker
As I've evolved and all these, I've experienced all these things, divorce, breakup, careers, all that, it's like actually my content has become so much broader and I feel like my purpose is so much more than fitness where it's more like I'm doing so many hard life things.
00:20:28
Speaker
And I'm sharing about them and I'm inspiring other people to, if not act, at least think about their lives and make sure that they're feeling happy in all areas and making changes if they want to or not. And that just feels so much more like what I'm really meant to be doing. And fitness is one of the pillars, taking care of your body and your mind and all that is one of the pillars, but then like going so much more beyond that and inspiring people just to just live their best lives in all the areas.
00:20:54
Speaker
I love that. And that's where the universe is serving you these lessons of like, you can take it girl. Here's another one for you to get you. Yeah. Well, I do. I mean, yeah, I know. They're like, okay, the universe is like, okay, we'll give this to you so then you can share with your people. And then lots of people will learn this lesson. I'm like, okay, thank you. But I do believe that we're not given anything that we can't handle.
00:21:17
Speaker
We've all gone through 100% of our worst days, experiences, everything. Sometimes I think about everything I've been through and I'm like, damn girl, you're still standing. I don't think I look like I've been through a lot, but I have. To just name a few things, I've lost my mother when I was 20 years old to cancer.
00:21:42
Speaker
Half the people in my family have died since then, including a cousin that I was very, very close with. I've been through a divorce, this abusive relationship situation. I've been in two car accidents this year alone, concussion. You know what I mean? It's something like, it's like, okay, hit me. I'll get through it. Every single thing that has happened in the moment is horrific, so just terrible, and there's so much grief.
00:22:11
Speaker
can look back at every single one of those experiences and see that they all taught me a lot. It's like a lot, a lot, a lot. The beginning of my fitness journey personally and career switch and everything is because of my mom. My mom hadn't have passed. None of that would have happened in the same way.
00:22:29
Speaker
Basically, I'd never worked out a day in my life, and then she was really into fitness, and the studio that she worked out at, fitness who she worked out at, hosted this charity class in her honor after she passed, and that was the first time I ever worked out, and I went to it, and I could barely breathe, and then I started doing some classes there, and then I started weight training, and then I started bootcamp classes, and then I started teaching on the side when I was in finance, and then I started my own business, and now I'm a content creator, and now I make a living off of it. That was the beginning.
00:22:59
Speaker
You know, trusting that each experience is leading you to the next thing that is like all beautiful things that are coloring your life.
Grief, Support, and Healing Practices
00:23:10
Speaker
All I'm feeling right now is, damn, you're a powerhouse. You're such a strong human being. And I feel a tingles in my heart as you're sharing that because it's so inspiring. So many, it's so easy to want to be fully knocked out when these challenges are presented to us in life. And obviously you experience a lot.
00:23:32
Speaker
And the fact that you're still standing and still sharing this with so many, and I know inspiring so many is just incredible. So thank you for continuing to share yourself with the world because it's really, it's really needed. Thank you. And I just want to be clear with everyone. Like I do get really down when these things happen. Like I get, I do get taken out for a period of time and I let myself do that. And I think that's a key part in this process too is like,
00:24:01
Speaker
letting yourself grieve, letting yourself be so sad and devastated and just feeling so sorry for yourself and letting your friends take care of you. I say friends because for me, it's my friends. If it's your fan for you, maybe, you know, further letting your friends and family take care of you. For me, it's my friends and just like embracing that time. And then it's like, okay, it's time to move forward. Mm-hmm.
00:24:28
Speaker
Yeah, I love that. I resonate deeply with that. And I think this brings us to an important point of how did you navigate all of this? You've touched on friends. Like, I think that's such an important piece is having support and having those almost crutches that can hold you up during those times, because we're not supposed to do this life alone. And when there are really horrific and challenging things that
00:24:50
Speaker
are presented to us, it's so much harder if we're trying to deal with all of the shit of life completely isolated, like lone wolf by ourselves. So aside from friends, what other things, I'm sure fitness was one of them, but what did you really lean on to support you through those times?
00:25:08
Speaker
fitness, I try and work out almost daily, even if it's like the lightest little stretch or walk or whatever it is, just to move the energy and get those endorphins going and even just have something to focus on and to wake up and have some sort of a routine. Like sometimes the workout is what gets me out of bed. It's like, okay, I know what I'm doing next. Like on the days where I'm feeling the lowest, it's like, okay, we'll get up and at least like go for a walk. And then it's like from the walk into the next thing, the next thing, you know?
00:25:32
Speaker
So that's like the base of it all. And then meditation. So like I say meditation, everyone like who goes there, they're like, mine starts to wander, but stay with me. I tried every meditation app and I didn't like any of them except for one and it's called superhuman and they're really short five to 10 minute meditations and they're almost more like pep talks and I do them. So in the morning I wake up and I spent about 45 minutes or so, like an hour.
00:25:59
Speaker
sitting quietly reading from my I have these like daily these books spiritual books with like daily passages I read like one a day from those and then I do the meditation and they're like the pep talk for my day There's music and there's talking so you're like staying Connected to it the whole time if I'm when there's like no talking my mind just really wanders and they really just like
00:26:22
Speaker
give me the like boost I need and then do a little bit of journaling too. And then I'll go into my workout. So those are all things that I do that really help with my structure routine and all of that. And then therapy is something that's like so critical for me. I started doing therapy like a year and a half ago. And you know, depending on how difficult my life is at that moment, I'll go like, if things are really tough, like I'll go twice a week.
00:26:48
Speaker
In between, so like the last month or two since I broke up with my ex-boyfriend, I've been going once or twice a week. And then I actually went today to therapy and we made a decision like, okay, I'm actually feeling okay. We can go from once a week to once every other week now. And then, and if I'm feeling really good once a month, but having it in the calendar, it just makes such a difference. Like I know I'm going to go and come out of there feeling lighter, like, and I think the biggest thing
00:27:13
Speaker
my therapist does for me is remind me that I'm going to be okay no matter what happens. It's not contingent on do I do this or do I meet someone or does it work out with this person? It's like no, learning to trust myself that I'll be fine and I'll be able to handle it no matter what situation comes up. Building those tools, I didn't have any of these tools years ago and then even when I started to have conversations with my ex has been about
00:27:38
Speaker
our future, I didn't really have these tools then. That's when I started going to therapy and started meditating and all that.
00:27:45
Speaker
So those are kind of the main things. And then I've also been doing, I don't know, can I talk about anything on here? A hundred percent. Anything. I've been doing mushrooms a lot in the last year or two. Microdosing a lot and then doing bigger doses in a controlled environment at this wellness center. And those have been really transformative. I actually, those have been really transformative, love them.
00:28:13
Speaker
I have been meaning to go back to schedules, having a line, but in the meantime, I have been micro dosing and I find like it helps bring me when I'm really not well, like it helps bring me to my baseline where I feel.
00:28:26
Speaker
well enough to do something. And then it builds from there. So if I microdose, then I have the will to go out for lunch with my friends. And then I go out for lunch with my friends, and I'm like, oh, that was really nice. I feel good. OK, maybe I'll do a couple hours of work this afternoon. And you know what I mean? And then it builds. And then I'm like, oh, I feel productive because I just worked. OK, let me cook dinner now, whatever that is.
00:28:51
Speaker
So that's helpful. Though I was microdosing a lot around my most recent breakup, and after about a month of microdosing every day, I had one day I woke up and I was like, no, I need to take a break. So I actually haven't in a week or two, which has been good for me. But that's been a very helpful tool.
00:29:09
Speaker
And just a disclaimer, this is all my own experience with mushrooms, so everyone do your own research. Totally. I'm also a big fan of microdosing. I found it really, really powerful, as well as macrodosing in controls.
00:29:25
Speaker
helpful ceremonial type approaches is really, really healing, but microdosing is, yeah, really powerful. Making sure the sauce and is credible and good quality is important, but Canada has some really good mushrooms. So I love that. It's really good. And I love that you touched on therapy and superhuman have been two really big things for me. Literally my therapist, oh my God, she's amazing. I'm like, I wouldn't have survived
00:29:49
Speaker
the last five months without my therapist. It's the fucking best investment ever to have this professional just there like, you're okay. You're doing okay. You're doing well. It's the best. Totally. I get a lot of questions about how to find a good therapist, so maybe I'll just pop that in right now. My friend, Lindsay Metzalar, she's the host of the podcast called We Met Adacme, and on her website, it's a relationship podcast, but she has a therapy resource where
00:30:18
Speaker
a bunch of her audience has contributed therapists that are recommended that they've been to so they're vetted and she has them all by location so you can find a bunch of therapists there and then there's also a company a guy I went to McGill with and actually I just did a podcast with him too he started this company it's out based out of Vancouver that's called
00:30:40
Speaker
I think it's first health, and they essentially match you with a therapist. So they have this big network of therapists that they work with and based on what you're going through and your needs and whatever, they match you with someone. And so I just like to pop that in because whenever I talk about therapy, people are like, well, how do I find a therapist? And it's like, okay, well, let me just tell you right now.
00:30:59
Speaker
One of those two years. Yeah. Yeah. Amazing. Thanks for sharing that. That's super helpful because therapy can be a little bit like dating. You have to find the right person to build your entire life secrets and traumas too. So you want to feel comfortable with that person. So thank you for sharing those. And one thing, last thing on this thread I want to touch on with superhuman is I used to use superhuman like a year or two ago and then wasn't using it.
00:31:23
Speaker
But since I now live by myself, which is the first time I've actually ever lived by myself as an adult woman, which I'm really loving. It's not been that long that I'm loving, but I put on super human every morning because it makes me feel like I'm not alone. I'm like, let's put her on. And it just spirals every morning and I'm like doing my morning routine. So I love how they have such a range of the deeper meditations, but then the getting ready, the cooking. And it's just nice to have that company that's programming you into a positive state of mind whilst you're
00:31:52
Speaker
moving around, so I second this super powerful. Love it. Yes. All right. So I'd love to know, to close the thread of the 12 year relationship, how did you, how did you make that decision of, okay.
00:32:08
Speaker
This is it. Cause there's the questioning, there's the trusting yourself. There's the following the guidance from your body, which I think is really important. But being in that limbo phase, I think is really challenging. And for me, I find that is the hardest part. Should I stay? Should I go? I'm in limbo. I'm not fully here. I'm not fully secure, but how do you navigate that? And do you have any advice for people who are in that? Cause I know a lot of people who are experiencing similar things and it's really hard to know how to move through it.
Navigating Uncertainty in Relationships
00:32:34
Speaker
I, the limbo stage is the absolute worst.
00:32:37
Speaker
We were in it for a while and it was just torture. That said, the more you try and rush to make a decision, the worse the limbo stage is. Letting yourself be in it and trusting that when
00:32:59
Speaker
you're ready or, you know, maybe before that, that things will shift and trusting and letting things unfold.
00:33:07
Speaker
without trying so hard to make a decision. Cause I think when you're so, when you're trying so hard to make a decision, like all day, like for, for so long months, a year, almost like both my ex-husband and I, it was like, we would wake up and all day it'd be like, well, what about this? Well, maybe I should, maybe I did this and it's just like back and forth in your mind. And you're like, but now it's spring and I need to make a decision. And then, well, now summer's coming to an end and I need to make a decision. And I just remember so many times feeling so
00:33:34
Speaker
stuck by the pressure of having to make a decision that it made it harder to make a decision. And I remember one time I went to a workout class with my friend and I was telling her, I felt stuck in my body. Everything felt still and I was like crying and I was just like, I just don't know. I just don't know. She was like, you need to take that pressure off of yourself. And the more you're focused, you focus on how much, how stuck you feel, the more stuck you are going to feel. Like let it move through you. Like take the pressure off. If it takes a year or more to make the decision,
00:34:01
Speaker
Then let it, it'll come to you when the time is right. And I feel like as soon as I took that pressure off is when things started to just flow to me. And I started to just relax into it. And you will know, like there will be a moment where you will know.
00:34:20
Speaker
And I had that. I remember for so long being like, when will the moment come? I don't know. Maybe I'm not. And my therapist always say to me, well, if you don't know, then you're not ready. And that's okay. You stay in it. If you're not ready, you don't know. That's okay. One day at a time. Where are you at right now? Like you're good in this moment. Okay. Then just keep moving forward. And, and I was like, when is the time going to come that I'm going to know? And then is it going to come? I don't know. No, it comes. So trusting in that.
00:34:48
Speaker
And letting it come to you. And I think the more you ease into that, the quicker it'll actually happen. I totally agree. And it's so interesting as you say that it reminds me of the moment that I had made the decision with, with my ex partner. It was the exact same thing. Limbo, limbo, limbo. I'm like, I don't know. I don't know. Like I need space, but I don't know. And then one day I woke up and it no longer felt true to me to be wearing the engagement ring and I took it off.
00:35:15
Speaker
And I was like, that's it. I know. And that was a pivot, like a pivotal moment where I just knew, but I was waiting and waiting and waiting. So I can second this that you just know, and you'll know what the feeling is, but you can't force it. I like to compare these things to orgasms. You can't force an orgasm out. Like the more that you try to tense up and like squeeze it out and force and pressure, it doesn't come. And it's the same thing with everything in life. The more that you're trying to force and control and pressure,
00:35:43
Speaker
The more stuck you're going to be, the more frustrated that you're going to be waiting for that release on the other side. And I will say too, even after that moment, it's not like you never question yourself. That's important too, because I think a lot of people think, okay, well, when it comes to me, then I'll know and that'll just be the way I know, you know, that's the path forward. It's like, no, I had that moment and we separated, you know, a few days after that.
00:36:13
Speaker
I just knew it was the time to move into this next step of separation. But then for like two to three months after that, we knew we were taking space, but we were like, are we making the right, we would have conversations, but are we making the right decision? Well, the separation doesn't have to be permanent. Let's take one thing at a time.
00:36:33
Speaker
let's see how it goes. Okay, now we're starting to date other people like, okay, maybe now are we going to give it one more really strong chance? Or are we not like there was two, three months of that. And that's normal. And that's okay with you. Making sure it was almost like a guy I dated after this, who was divorced actually said this to me. And I was like, wow, that makes so much sense. He was like, almost after the separation.
00:37:01
Speaker
The pretenses are off, like there's no hiding anymore. You kind of just say to your partner, ex partner, what you're feeling. And then you think, well, now we're being really honest and really open. Maybe in this different way, we'll be able to come back together and move forward.
00:37:17
Speaker
And he told me this guy was dating in the spring, told me this. And I remember thinking back, thinking, that's what I was feeling, was, well, there was no more pretense. And so maybe it'll work. But then it's like, the core issues are still there. And for some people, having the separation and no more pretense is like, then they can move forward together. But for us, it was like, no, the core things are still there. We're not each other's future, even if we are speaking more honestly and openly and lovingly than we have in a while.
00:37:47
Speaker
Just knowing that the decision, the answer may become clear, but there still may be a period of questioning and second guessing, and that's okay too. But continuing to move through it is important.
00:37:58
Speaker
Yeah, so true. It's human nature to second guess and to question and to doubt ourselves and to spend a lot of time in our heads. So I always like to think, remind myself, I trust the decision I made in that moment and that can change day by day, but I trust the past version of myself that said no or made that decision or said yes or whatever. That's all you can do one day at a time.
00:38:22
Speaker
Yes, I 100% agree, and I think once you're a little bit out of it and can see that everything after it happened for you and that all of that wouldn't have happened if you didn't make that first decision, then you're like, no, even on the days that you're like, did I make the right decision?
Reentering the Dating World
00:38:38
Speaker
But then it's like, but then I wouldn't have experienced this, this, and this, and all of that has been so wonderful. So no, yeah, I did make the right decision. I know that's how my brain works, and I've had to remind myself of that and reassure myself of that so many times.
00:38:49
Speaker
Yeah. Wow. Thank you for sharing that. So how did you get back out there into the dating world after a 12 year relationship? That's like wild and amazing and exciting, but I think pretty daunting for a lot of people of where do you begin? Because the scene has changed a lot in the last 10 years or so. What were the steps that you took? How did you feel getting back out there? Like how did you approach that?
00:39:15
Speaker
Yeah, that's a good question. Well, first of all, I gave myself the time to grieve for sure. I didn't just jump into things. I gave myself a little bit of time to just be really sad and be in my feelings and mourn. At the same time, I don't think you need to be fully healed in order to start putting yourself back out there. So I got on the apps and I dated in Toronto, in Miami, in New York. I kind of like, as I was traveling, I would date and I had a blast.
00:39:43
Speaker
I won't lie. I had so much fun. I met some amazing people and I really, that first dating experience after the divorce or separation, I put no pressure on it. I put no expectations on it. I just was putting myself out there, meeting all kinds of different people, learning about them, learning about me.
00:40:03
Speaker
and just having a good old time. I was saying yes to everything. And I honestly, I look back on it and I'm like, damn girl, you really did it. You know, the people I met were great and the experiences I had were so wonderful. And you know, if they weren't the best, then I was like really quick to be like, goodbye, this is not for me. And I think that attitude of just being open to the world and life is really important.
00:40:28
Speaker
I think it's very easy to be like, I'll never meet someone like that person that I had or like I'll never, but it's like, you don't want to, you already left them. Like you want to meet someone new. And even when you're comparing, it's human nature to compare it to past people. Um, but it's like always reminding yourself how exciting it's going to be to fall in love with someone new instead of, you know, going back to the same person with the same shit and same issues that you've already been through.
00:40:53
Speaker
Um, so yeah, I think it's really easy to, for people to say dating is terrible on a dumpster fire and there's no one out there and blah, blah, blah. I don't know that wasn't my experience, but it's also because I told myself it wasn't the experience, you know, and
00:41:08
Speaker
To be honest, now I'm having a little more of that experience because I'm being more selective. So it's, it's harder for me to have the fun because I'm not just saying yes to everything. I'm actually being really intentional, much more selective with my time after, you know, my most recent really dating relationship. But I'm still being open about it and not, yeah, just being open to like the experience of it all.
00:41:34
Speaker
Love it. That sounds like such a good approach post relationship ending. And that's kind of the phase that I'm into is like, have fun, no attachment, be open, be curious. And there's no, yeah, you're not going into it. Like I need to find my husband, which I think a lot of people go into dating and it makes it so like this pressure cooker and it sucks the fun out of it for so many people. So I love that your approach.
00:42:00
Speaker
was that and I think that's I'm gonna assume probably quite confidence building and self-esteem boosting when you're going out there and having fun and traveling like was that your experience did it build your confidence did it make you feel like yes it totally did and it taught me that there are so many people out there I just need to go out and find them I remember at a moment in March where I had dated in Miami a bunch I had dated in Toronto a bunch at that point
00:42:26
Speaker
And I was back in Toronto and I was like, oh, there is just no one, everyone. Oh, fuck. Like really, you know, I just like, sorry for myself. And I don't know. And then I went on a trip and I met someone and we dated for a little bit after that. And I just feel like right when you think it's not going to happen, like it happens. And just like trusting that, you know?
00:42:50
Speaker
Yeah. And I, oh, this is what I was going to say that I sort of forgot before, but like the nature of dating is I think people get really frustrated with, you know, scrolling through the apps like no, no, no, no, no. But that's the nature of dating. Like you're going through a bazillion notes to find the one. Yes. Like, of course you're going to think everyone sucks because 99% of people do. That is what dating is like.
00:43:10
Speaker
So that's okay. And then once you meet that one person, it's going to be worth it, you know? So true. Yeah. And then falling in love is so beautiful and fun. Yeah. I love love. Me too. And I believe in love. Like I'm not jaded. I'm like so excited for when, you know, I meet, fall in love again or meet the person for me. And I don't know if that's going to be at the same time or if I'll have some shorter experiences before I meet the person that is for me that I end up starting a family with, but I'm excited for it.
00:43:41
Speaker
I'm excited for you too.
Empowerment and Independence for Women
00:43:42
Speaker
I'm excited for you too. Thank you. I think it's fun because a lot of women in their 30s are in this similar stage of being in these long relationships for 10 years or so, getting into the 30s, realizing that it's not the relationship for the next 10 years.
00:44:04
Speaker
wrapping that up and then being like, okay, I'm going to date in my thirties. Like I've never dated, I have so many friends who've gone through the same thing who are in the thirties who've never dated and are now single. Yeah, I think it's a fun time and I think it's, yeah, I think that's to be fun. It is. I encourage women in their thirties who are listening to also take the pressure off yourself about having kids.
00:44:26
Speaker
It's not just like I said about making the decision about your partner, whether to stay or go, stay or go. It doesn't make it any easier or better to put the pressure on yourself that you need to find someone and have kids because you're 32, 35, 37, 39. What does that do for you? Adding that pressure, what does it do? Also, I think in 30s, feels older in a city like Toronto, but if you're in New York,
00:44:52
Speaker
30s are young, like people are having like a friend of mine in New York, she's like 42 is having a baby right now. That's normal. So I think also reminding yourself of like, like
00:45:02
Speaker
this city, Toronto and other similar cities, Montreal, even like Chicago, they're more settled cities, Vancouver, they're more settled. So like people have that, you know, get married, have kids, have families like earlier. And if you're in your thirties, you feel old, but like, just take a trip to New York or Miami and look around and everyone in their thirties is single, having fun. Then in their late thirties, like early forties, that's when they start to settle down. And I think
00:45:25
Speaker
that helps me a lot because I'm like, I only feel old because of where I'm living, not because of the realities of life. Like I could have a kid when I'm 40, like I'm 32, like really, I'm stressing about having a baby, you know? And if I really wanted to have a kid, then there are ways to do it at any age, you know, freeze, like either freeze, you know, you start by freezing your eggs, or, you know, maybe you would doctor like whatever it is, there are options out there. And so I encourage women in their 30s to take that pressure off themselves.
00:45:52
Speaker
So important, so valuable. And I think thirties can be the time of having so much fucking fun because we're more confident, have a more settled potentially career or business, have that like knowingness of who we are as women. And so it gets to be more fun versus dating in your twenties is like very different things. So it has to be the fun time of life. So I love it. Thank you for sharing that.
00:46:16
Speaker
All right. Well, to close this out, I have three questions that I'd love to ask you that I love to ask everybody on this podcast. I'd love to know what are you celebrating in life right now?
00:46:28
Speaker
Hmm. Celebrating being on my own and happy for the first time. You know, I was separated going through the divorce like a year ago, but then I was dating and then I was, had a boyfriend and then all of these things. And now like I'm kind of starting to date, but I'm actually really spending a lot of time by myself settled in Toronto, not in different flight, every, not so all over the place. And so I'm celebrating, like settling into that and that not feeling scary and actually feeling really good.
00:46:59
Speaker
I'm celebrating that with you also. I resonate. I love it. I love it. What is bringing you the most pleasure right now? My work, I'm like finally refocusing on it a lot. I think for the last couple of years, I've just been in survival mode and I haven't really had the opportunity to really focus and I'm starting to do that. And that's just, it's a relief. It's a relief to be in a place where I have the intention span and can do all that. Cause as I.
00:47:28
Speaker
I think I said earlier, along with the divorce and the breakup and everything, I had multiple car accidents this year and all this stuff happened. It couldn't work. I was concussed, all these things. So there's all these things that happened where I couldn't focus as much as I wanted to, and so now it's actually giving me so much pleasure to focus.
00:47:45
Speaker
Damn, I can't wait to see what's coming out of this when you are focused. Having not focus is super exciting. So my final question to you, what is something that you wish every woman on the planet would know or experience? Experience the feeling of creating your own future, of being like,
00:48:09
Speaker
I'm doing this for me, or I did this. It's me, myself, and I, and I'm really proud and excited about that. Whether it's switching your job or leaving your relationship, whatever it is, travel, some sort of hobby, doing something that's
00:48:26
Speaker
creating something for yourself and for your future and for your happiness. It's this fulfilling, this like deep fulfilling feeling in your soul that I want everyone in some capacity, some way to feel at some point in their life. Or maybe it's having kids, like whatever it is for you, that deep soulful like fullness is what I wish for everyone.
00:48:49
Speaker
Hmm. I love that. Thank you for sharing. Well, thank you for being here. Let the people know who have come in from my world. Where can they find you? Where can they connect with you and say hi? Well, thank you so much for having me. This is a great conversation. I actually really like doing.
Social Media and Fitness Platform Promotion
00:49:04
Speaker
podcasts and having conversations about relationships because I have learned a fucking lot. And it's just a little bit outside of my, you know, normally it's like more wellness and all that, but now this is becoming such a pillar of my content and I really enjoy these conversations. So thank you for those listening. You can find me at Alessia sculpt on Instagram and TikTok. And then I also have an online fitness platform with over 300 low impact workouts. That is a sculpt body.com.
00:49:32
Speaker
And I have a seven day free trial. If you want to give it a try and see if you like it. Thank you for sharing and thank you for being here, having this conversation and being so open and vulnerable is super valuable. And I'm sure a lot of women relate. So thank you so much. Thank you again for having me and I appreciate it.