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Thriving In Your 30s: Dating Rules, First Date Icks & Living Your Best Hot Girl Life with Laura Niese | EP14
88 Plays1 year ago
I’m so excited for you to dive into this unfiltered episode with Laura Niese, where we dive into everything about dating; what to look for on the apps, icks, dating dos and don’ts and Laura shares some personal dating stories like flying from Bali to Spain for a date and being gifted a 10 cart stone on a first date.
We also cover:
- Healing from a breakup
- Anxious attachment style
- The 5 date rule for a guy paying for dates
- First date do’s and dont’s
- How to live your best life and become your own wifey
- Prioritizing the relationship to yourself and making a hot girl list
- First date fails and funny personal stories
Connect with Laura on Instagram @thefemme_ceo
Connect with Steph on Instagram.
Connect with Steph on TikTok.
Don’t forget to leave a review about the podcast and then tag me on Instagram to receive a special gift from me as a thank you!
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Transcript
Introduction to Unfiltered Femme Podcast
00:00:04
Speaker
Welcome to the Unfiltered Femme podcast. Your new world to get the lowdown on all things pleasure, sexuality, the mysterious female body, dating, relationships and everything you need to know to step into your most unfiltered, unapologetic, empowered and turned on self.
00:00:22
Speaker
I'm Steph Morris, a love, sex and intimacy coach and along with some incredibly fabulous guests, I'm here to spill the tea on those topics that are typically hush hush. The juicy things that you want to know all about that have maybe been a little bit too shy to talk about.
00:00:39
Speaker
Think of me as your fearless guide and partner in crime, creating a space for the unfiltered, the raw, the authentic chats where nothing is off limits and there's no such thing as too much. The Unfiltered Femme podcast is all about breaking down those walls and celebrating what it means to be an unfiltered, feminine being. I hope you're ready for a wild ride. Let's dive right in.
Dating Adventures and Lessons
00:01:03
Speaker
Welcome back to the pod. I have got the most epic episode for you. I hope you are ready. This is all about dating. So this episode is with Laura Niece, who is a Bali based business coach and she helps transformational coaches sign perfect match clients, upgrading their marketing and messaging. And after living on holiday Island of Bali for five years, she also knows a thing or two about navigating the world of dating. And that is exactly what we dive into in this
00:01:27
Speaker
very unfiltered conversation. We go over everything about what to look for on the dating apps, the icks, dating dos and don'ts, and Laura shares some really personal dating stories like how she one time flew from Bali to Spain for a date, how she was gifted a 10 carat stone on a first date, and many more juicy stories. So let's get right into it.
00:01:47
Speaker
I'm super excited for this conversation today. I have an amazing guest, Laura here. We're going to be talking all about dating, breakups, healing, anxious attachment style, navigating dating in your thirties, romanticizing your life and all of the unfiltered things that are going to come up around this conversation. So welcome to the podcast, Laura. How are you doing today? I'm so good. I'm super excited to be here and talk all these things, all these topics. Who knows what's going to come up.
00:02:15
Speaker
I love it. We're here for the unfiltered, the raw, the vulnerable conversation. And I feel like this is such a great area to be diving into because so many people are needing help in this area of life, like one of the most important areas of life. So I'd love for you to start by sharing a little bit around your journey about who you are, what you do in this world, and a little bit about your history and your journey in terms of dating, relationships, and where you're at in that area of life.
Exploring Bali's Dating Scene
00:02:42
Speaker
Oh, love this. Okay, so I feel like everyone always has an area of life that they thrive in. For me, I feel like I've always thrived in like the lifestyle, not necessarily money department. It's not like I'm rich by any means, but
00:02:59
Speaker
I got fired from my nursing job back in 2018 and moved to Bali and quickly was able to easily figure out the business thing. And I've been here ever since I've been in Bali for five years. Business has been great for me, but then when it comes to my dating life, that has been a bit of a roller coaster, especially living in a place like Bali, which is considered, I honestly consider Bali the hospital of the world.
00:03:26
Speaker
Because people come here, they're broken little birds, they need to heal, they need to go to retreats, they need to go see all these healers and do yoga. And so it tends to attract a lot of broken birds, but it also attracts a lot of incredible entrepreneurs. It's an interesting place to live as far as dating goes because, yeah, it attracts people from all over the world and a lot of people are here on holiday.
00:03:51
Speaker
So while I've been growing my business here, I'm a business coach. I specifically help online coaches with marketing. While I've been doing that, I've also been working on, yeah, just attracting my soulmate and becoming the best version of me so that I can do so.
00:04:10
Speaker
Um, I love that. Thank you for sharing.
Healing and Self-Discovery Post-Breakup
00:04:13
Speaker
And I'd love to know, first of all, about Bali, is it a little bit like a Disneyland or like, do you find people have that Peter Pan syndrome kind of vibe over there? I'm curious. Some people do. Yes. That is definitely a thing I actually.
00:04:29
Speaker
had a friend who has been living in Bali for four years move from Bali because she was like, I give up. I don't think I'm ever going to find my soulmate here. So she went back to her home in Sydney. So yeah, you definitely do get a lot of Peter Pan people, but there's also amazing people. You just have to really set your standards high.
00:04:48
Speaker
I think in the beginning my standards were not high. They were very low. Now I feel like I've gotten quite good because my standards are so high. I can quickly assess if someone is for me, but I think in the beginning I tended to be attracted to like the hot surfer, the mysterious hot surfer who is like a bit more in his feminine, just go with the flow, didn't want commitment. And now I'm looking for something totally different, but yeah.
00:05:18
Speaker
That literally sounds like my ex, my Kiwi ex from like years back. The surfer guy go with the flow, which I was like, 20 year old staff was like, this is amazing. But yeah, you're literally the wounded man, unfortunately.
00:05:34
Speaker
So I'd love to know a little bit around how, how do you raise your standards? Like, what does that mean? And can you share a little bit around how you got to this point? Because full context, you have been sharing a lot and you share a lot online on social, especially on TikTok around self-concept, around having high standards, anxious attachment style. I see you sharing really vulnerably about how to romanticize your life and be that like wifey kind of energy for yourself. How did you get into sharing that and what really inspired you to start sharing?
00:06:03
Speaker
content from that from your own experience.
00:06:06
Speaker
Yeah, so I went through a big breakup at the beginning of this year and I never knew I had an anxious attachment style. I had absolutely no idea. I was blindsided. I thought that just because my parents were high school sweethearts and love each other and they're still married like 30 years later that I'm just a secure person. I could not be farther from the truth and I realized that as much as my partner did play a part in the breakup, like he was the one who did break up with me,
00:06:36
Speaker
I realized the part that I've had to play in the relationship too, that was kind of a blind spot in my life. And that was my anxious attachment style. I feel like this guy that I dated for two years, he was so hot. He also was a Kiwi. I love our Kiwis. Super red, super successful.
00:06:55
Speaker
And I felt really chosen by him. Like I felt really validated that I was dating this incredibly hot, successful entrepreneur. And I kind of latched onto him in a way. And I lost my path all along the way. I feel like a lot of us do this in relationships. I tended in that relationship, I ended up chameleoning myself into something that I thought he wanted me to be in order to get that love and validation from him. And I kind of
00:07:22
Speaker
molded myself into this version of me and that wasn't necessarily authentic and I kind of went off my path I was gonna move to Sydney for this guy and leave my life behind in Bali leave my dog behind I was willing to do whatever it took to stay with this guy and I think he kind of felt that subconsciously when you can million yourself into another version of you it may not be conscious that they're aware of it, but they're definitely unconsciously aware of it and
00:07:47
Speaker
And I feel like he was like, okay, wow, this girl is giving up everything to be with
Empowerment in Relationships
00:07:51
Speaker
me. Like I can't be everything for her. And so he ended up breaking up with me when I was about to move to Sydney with him. And looking back, like, why was I like willing to abandon myself for a life that wasn't necessarily for me. So kind of interesting to think about.
00:08:07
Speaker
Mm, that is so interesting. Thank you for sharing that. And something interesting that you mentioned there, which reminded me of something that my therapist told me this year about being chosen. I think this is such an important point for people because it feels so good to be chosen by another person. And especially as women, we desire to be chosen. And with my therapist who were working through and had identified for me that my two previous relationships, I was chosen and kind of similar to you,
00:08:36
Speaker
in some ways went along with it willingly, like love the people, like love these men, whatever. But she was like, now you get to be the chooser. Like now you get to be the one with the power and decide who do you choose? Like who is good enough for you? Who do you
00:08:51
Speaker
consciously choose to be with and they will choose you back, but it's like a little bit of a different dynamic versus us being in that sort of maiden damsel in distress energy of I'm going to be chosen, I'm going to be saved, and I'm going to give up my world to be with this person. And I so resonate with that because I did that twice with both my
00:09:11
Speaker
previous relationships, gave up everything, moved across the world twice, lived with them. And it's a bit of a wild journey to heal from that. So I'd love to know, how did you heal from this breakup? Like about to give up everything, right? And then it's over. What did that look like for you? I was devastated because I was blindsided. I didn't see it coming. And also I was broken up with via a text message. So that was really hard. I felt like
00:09:39
Speaker
I don't know just the way that the breakup happened was really hard. I felt like it wasn't doing with done with a lot of care, a lot of empathy. And so I just felt
00:09:49
Speaker
really hurt, but something that really happened that really helped me was going no contact because in the beginning of a breakup, you know, you want to stalk their profile. You want to see who they're hanging out with. I was like making myself sick because I saw that he started hanging out with this really hot, gorgeous Burnett girl. And then I was stalking her profile and I was just making myself just so anxious and sick. So I ended up blocking him and cutting the attachment.
00:10:15
Speaker
which was the hardest thing to do. I think it took me three months to end up blocking him. But once I did that, I felt like I had almost regained my power back. And then the other thing I really had to do was fill my life up with tons of hobbies and passions and things that you don't really necessarily get to do when you're with a partner. So I went to Egypt for three weeks, which not everyone can travel. I get that. But yeah, I went to Egypt for three weeks, got out of my environment.
00:10:43
Speaker
switching up your environment can really help. I also moved into a new villa, which was really helpful, like new environment. I set new goals for myself, new goals in my business, which for the first month of the breakup, I couldn't work. I was like heartbroken. But then once I was able to kind of evaluate things and get back into my energy, I set new business goals for myself. I started doing these sensual dance classes.
00:11:09
Speaker
I started getting more into my feminine. I have this hot girl list. It's on my wall over there. But I just started feeding my soul with things that made me feel good. I joined a spa. I started going to the ice bath in the sauna. I started meditating and doing self-hypnosis. I wasn't necessarily dating other people. I didn't want to put myself into that situation.
00:11:33
Speaker
There was one time that I did go on a date and I had to leave the bathroom and go cry like on a date with another guy because I just was not ready. But yeah, I feel like just filling your life up with tons of new hobbies and passions and fueling also your sisterhood as well. Cause I feel like when you go into a relationship, you're so focused on the guy that sometimes, and this is also kind of like what you don't want to do in a relationship is forego all of like what you were doing before the relationship, like forego your friendships.
00:12:01
Speaker
but I think it's a good time to also prioritize your friendships with your sisters. And yeah, I think for me too, I felt like my confidence was really knocked down after the breakup. Like of course in any, when you're the one broken up with, you're gonna experience a lack of like confidence and self worth. But for me, because of the anxious attachment style, I felt like he was really validating for me.
00:12:29
Speaker
And so when I wasn't getting that validation anymore, I felt very, very low. So it's also been quite the self worth journey to let go of meeting external validation from men to feel good. And I feel like this can go both ways. I feel like men.
00:12:46
Speaker
a lot of men will get validation from girls. They're like, I want to date the hottest girl to get that validation. It's kind of in the same way. So I had to also learn to validate myself and not need, I guess, attention from men in order to get validated. And instead, as you said, decide I'm the queen on my throne, and I'm going to be the one to decide who gets to come into my energy. So it's been a flip, I think, before maybe I was always
00:13:15
Speaker
chasing men and now I'm trying not to chase men anymore. It's more like I'm the queen on her throne. I'm the one who's letting them come into my energy and I'm assessing them based on their characteristics and like what they bring to the table. And this is the energy we got to be in to attract those king men of energy. I just want to normalize though for a second because I feel like this isn't talked about enough that when a big breakup or like any form of relationship ends,
00:13:45
Speaker
It is so normal to have that period of low confidence, questioning like internally that wounded in a child is like, I'm not worthy or questioning, you know, do I really deserve love? I'm going to be okay. So it's really normal. And I totally resonate with that too. Like struggling with.
00:14:02
Speaker
low self-esteem and low self-confidence after a big breakup is so normal. And that's part of the healing process because we get to access those deeper, most wounded parts of ourselves that are really coming up that we can then nurture and love on. So it sounds like you've been doing such a beautiful job of
00:14:20
Speaker
going on that healing journey since your breakup. So I'm celebrating you there and would love to know a little bit more about this hot girl list. Is this like a daily thing that you do or a weekly thing? How do you hold yourself accountable? Because I'm here for it and I love, I have like lists all over the place, but I need a hot girl list like right up beside me.
00:14:37
Speaker
yeah okay so my hot girl list it's on my wall i recommend like you can put lists and stuff in your phones but i love the feeling of crossing things out so what i do this isn't my list but it's like i'll make something like this and it'll have little check boxes so i have all the things that just make me feel really good and happy so it'll have maybe five check boxes for meditating and then every time i meditate i check it off or it'll say like two check boxes for
00:15:04
Speaker
going to the ice plunge and the sauna.
Importance of Friendships and Self-Care
00:15:09
Speaker
I listen to subliminals on a day-to-day basis, subliminal audios, and then maybe I do a nighttime hypnosis. I have pilates on there. I have weightlifting. So it's like, I just make a list of all the things, and then I make little check boxes, and then as I'm going through my week, I try and cross all the things off. I have a manicure, pedicure on there, because I need to do that this week.
00:15:31
Speaker
What else is on there? I have self-concept work, EFT tapping, the gua shawl. I'll just put all this self-care stuff on there. I have tanning and then I just try and like I have catch a sunset. I have take myself out on a date, like a solo date. I have get taken out on a date by someone else. So yeah. And then I have like a sisterhood night. I love this. Yeah. And I just go check it out. So you're making a new list every week?
00:16:01
Speaker
Okay. I'm literally going to do this like right after this because I've been thinking about this is like perfect for me. Cause I've been, I used to do this thing like a smiley face journal in my journal where it's kind of a similar thing. I would list stuff out, but I've really lost touch with the physical. Like everything is so digital for me now and I'm finding it feels a little bit chaotic. I want to go back to having a day planner and having.
00:16:22
Speaker
things in my physical space where I'm having to use a pen and paper because it just hits differently. That dopamine rush is just a little bit different when it's like crossing off the physical box. So I'm literally gonna go make a hot girl list after this. Obsessed. Obsessed. So what else did you do? Also actually one thing I want to say about the sisterhood is that I so resonate with this. Women need women to heal. Like that's part of
00:16:48
Speaker
our necessary journey of life and it is so easy to lose ourselves in relationships. I literally like everything you're sharing a resonate with because I for 11 years like 20 to 31 prioritize relationships like moved across the world twice for these two men don't regret it in any way willingly chose to prioritize
00:17:08
Speaker
relationships for like my entire 20s and now that I'm 31 and single I'm like now is the time that I prioritise. I mean I'm always good at prioritising myself though now I'm like I want to prioritise that sisterhood and friendship and really cultivate more of that and focus more on that because it's been an area that's that's been lacking for me. I've been putting everything into the relationship category for a long time so I
00:17:33
Speaker
second this and it's kind of good to like test yourself by putting yourself out there as well and forming new connections in that way to like make sure you get women who are at that same standard. I feel like having the standards for friendship is important first step to raising your standards for relationship for a partnership as well.
00:17:53
Speaker
I totally agree. Yeah, I love that. And I feel like it's easy as women to prioritize relationships. Like, I know a lot of women, you know, they'll have a schedule of things they're doing that week, they're going to get their hair done, they're going to have maybe go to dinner with a girlfriend, but then a guy comes into the picture. And all of a sudden, all your plans as a woman go out the window, you're like, Oh, maybe I will cancel, cancel the workout, cancel the Pilates class, because I'm going to go to dinner with this new guy or
00:18:22
Speaker
cancel the plan with the girlfriend because maybe he's going to take me out to dinner. It's like oftentimes we do that. And I think it's so important to just prioritize your friendships before, no matter what, prioritize your schedule, your calendar. Even if you have something super silly, don't give it up for a guy, like a super silly random appointment. Just stick to your boundaries, stick to your schedule.
00:18:47
Speaker
And he can, yeah, he can just work around it. Agreed. I agree 100%. I actually did a TikTok about this yesterday. And we're saying you shouldn't be dating or going out on dates, in my opinion, unless you're putting the same amount of energy and effort into yourself as you're putting in dating. Because I am new to this dating world now. Never been on the apps. Never experienced any of this because I've been in relationships literally since Tinder came out.
00:19:15
Speaker
11, 12 years ago. And I was like, wow, I can see why people get exhausted and are saying like, it is kind of a full-time job because between going on the apps, like updating your profile, messaging people, matching, then filtering that to people you actually get to meet. And then how many dates you have to go on. It's like, I'm like, wow, this is actually like, you have to be very intentional to have the capacity. So I don't believe people should be doing that unless they're putting that same amount of energy into themselves and the friendship area.
00:19:45
Speaker
like the hot girl list that you, that you talked about having that and being like, if you're meeting all that criteria, then I think it's cool to be like, and I have extra time that I'm going to put into dating. But otherwise I think it can be easy because you already lose yourself in the dating process before you, and then you've already lost yourself before you're already in the relationship. And that's where it can already be starting off on the wrong foot. So that's my, that's my perspective, but it's a wild one. It is a full-time job.
00:20:13
Speaker
Seriously, it seriously is like I actually kind of allowed myself to get swept away last week with a guy that I
Boundaries and Communication in Dating
00:20:20
Speaker
met. I have the craziest dating stories. Like I met this billionaire. What? Yeah, he was like, I call him diamond dad. We always make like little funny names for the guys we date. But I call him diamond daddy. Because he's a joy. He's like a prince. We call him like the Prince of Mumbai like he or he's from New Delhi actually.
00:20:41
Speaker
But yeah, he Okay, I swear the diamond is on my bed. He gave me
00:20:48
Speaker
a, a Moissanite stone, which a lot of people will use Moissanite as an engagement ring instead of a diamond. And it's 10 carats for on our first date. And I was like, looking at this diamond, like not diamond, it was Moissanite stone. But I was like, are you love bombing me right now? What's going on? But saying that I'm like, I know he gave it but he was like, No, I'm not love bombing you. I give everyone presents on my first date because I'm really rich. And I was like, fair enough.
00:21:16
Speaker
But yeah, he, we, we went to, this is actually quite a funny story, but yeah, we went, he took me to Ubaid. I got my own villa, but then of course, like one thing led to another ended up staying at his villa for two nights in Ubaid. And then we went to Uluwatu and went to a concert in Uluwatu. So this was like last Thursday and Friday.
00:21:35
Speaker
And I already could feel myself, myself forgetting about work and getting swept away and like getting like all the boundaries are getting let go of. Like it's really hard to stick to your boundaries when you meet a guy, you know? Yeah. Wow. So that was the first date experience was this whole, is that what you're saying? Like last week was the first date experience or was that like the second date? So we went on our first date. He gave me this diamond AKA I'm always a nightstone and I was like, okay,
00:22:05
Speaker
And I wasn't quite sure if I was attracted to him because typically like I don't really go for Indian guys, but he was just really funny and really nice. And I don't know. I was like, it'll be a fun story. So then he invited me to Ubud and he had this really awesome villa and Ubud stayed there for two days. And then he got these cute bungalows and Uluwatus to stay there for two days. Wow. I love it. It was just so fast and like too much. So I had to pull back a little bit.
00:22:33
Speaker
Well, you get to experience all of it. So, you see, this is a thing. I feel like it, we get to have fun too, right? Like I don't think it has to all be so serious of, I'm going to follow this rule and have this thing. It's like, if somebody wants to give you a fucking Moyza Knight 10 carat, like thing on your first date, yes, you have the awareness. You're saying like, is this love bombing? Most people don't have that awareness. Therefore it's fine. Like, as long as you know what you're getting yourself into, let yourself be swept off your feet and have fun is what I say.
00:23:02
Speaker
I know, and this is the issue. I think the biggest issue for me as I've turned 33 this year is that you start to take dating too serious. I'm going to record a podcast episode about when to sleep with a guy because there's so many rules. When should you do it? I don't know. I think I got things all twisted in my head because
00:23:27
Speaker
Before I started learning all about polarity and when to sleep with a guy and all the rules about dating, I just always followed my intuition with it. Sometimes I would hook up with a guy in the first date and it was fine and I didn't regret it. But now I'm in my wifey era, so I haven't been sleeping with anyone for the past five months. I've just been really prioritizing myself and not going there unless I can see that it's moving into a commitment.
00:23:53
Speaker
But then what happened is when I stayed with this guy over the weekend in this really awesome like luxury like massive Villa, I think like I kind of made a mistake because I
00:24:08
Speaker
I don't know. I feel like when you stay with a guy, he's going to get the green light that you're going to hook up with him versus like staying in my own place. And so there were like blurred boundaries and it was almost like I was kind of being a tease to him in a way because I knew I wasn't going to sleep with him.
00:24:23
Speaker
but then we would still make out and I would get him all hot and bothered and then we didn't have sex and eventually I think he just kind of like started to resent me because I'd stayed with him the night for like four nights and we never hooked up but we were still like pretty attracted to each other and then eventually he just kind of cut the cord with me and like let me go because I think he started resenting me.
00:24:44
Speaker
because I wasn't looking up with him. So now we're just friends, which is fine. Well, that's awesome. Good for you for holding those boundaries. I love that. So what is your dating? Like, what is your rule about sleeping with a guy? Like, what's your perspective on that? How many dates?
00:24:58
Speaker
That's the thing. I feel like with my ex, I hooked up with him on the first date and we ended up dating for two years. I think it depends. You have to follow your intuition with it. I personally do believe that the longer you hold out, the more you're going to weed out the fuck boys because I do believe that some guys abide by a three date rule. If the girl doesn't bang me in the first three dates, next, I'm moving on.
00:25:23
Speaker
So I think the longer you can hold out, the more you're going to be able to see if a guy is actually into you. And also too, I think for a guy, consciously, I think a guy wants to hook up with you right away. But subconsciously, I know that guys actually want you to make them wait because they do like the chase. They want to know that they've won you over.
00:25:41
Speaker
And so if you can just hold out for like five days, three weeks, like try and make it a month, then they're going to respect you more in a sense. But I don't think that if you sleep with them too early, that it's going to push them away. If you have a good connection, like I don't think that's the issue. I just think that the longer you can wait, it's going to protect you more because if this guy didn't have good intentions from the start,
00:26:05
Speaker
And you sleep with him early and then he ghosts you, then you're going to feel bad. You know what I mean? So it's kind of like a protective thing for you the more you can wait. But I'm curious to hear your thoughts on it. Yeah. Well, I love what you just said that I totally agree with that. I think it's a case by case basis. And I think it's, I think the biggest thing is women need to be connected with their intuition and they need to be connected with their body.
00:26:27
Speaker
So that they can feel in the moment, is this a yes or is this a no, because you're never going to regret following that instinct. Like if you're with a guy and you're getting really turned on and maybe it's like date one or two, maybe it's like date two, say, and you're really into it and you feel like your body is open and you feel like you have the trust with him and you've maybe.
00:26:46
Speaker
Maybe you had like two really long five hour dates each and you're like, okay, yeah, my body does feel like a yes. Then I think it would be fine. But I think where people go wrong is that they're following these rules are not connected to their intuition or to their body. They're then bypassing what they actually want because they feel like they owe a guy something. Like if he paid for the day, then I am owing him. And I think that's where it goes wrong.
00:27:10
Speaker
Um, and it's exactly like you said, it's protecting, it's protection for us and flipping that narrative to be like less about the guy, because I think if he's interested in you, he's not going to care whether it was day one or day four. Like ultimately, if he's interested, he's going to pursue you. But yes, it weeds out the fuck boys, because there's nothing more vulnerable than having sex with another person and like,
00:27:32
Speaker
being naked and all of your bodily fluids and noises and spasms and all of the stuff. And to do that and to go there with somebody that you don't have that trust with of like they're in this. I think that can create a lot of shame for women that gets stuck in their body. And I think it is a protection thing for self. So to wrap that up, having the connection with your own body is so important and being connected with your own
00:28:00
Speaker
sacred sexuality, like this is a sacred, intimate act. And if I'm choosing consciously to have sex with someone on date to make an empowered decision to do it and don't regret it and just be like, I trust that, but make sure it is an empowered choice and not a gone along, like gone along, gone along.
00:28:18
Speaker
going along with the guy because some guys can sort of manipulate I think a little bit of the energy knowing that a lot of women don't have boundaries and don't speak up and say no and that's where it creates issue and I think a lot of women get
00:28:35
Speaker
like in the pain of dating because it gets complicated. And we know also that women, once you have sex with a man, we get all of this oxytocin and the love hormone and we get that attachment. Men don't get that. So we will catch feels or we're very likely to catch feels after having sex with a guy. A guy is not likely to catch feels afterwards. It can be like checklist one done. So that's my take. That's my take on that.
00:29:02
Speaker
Yeah, I feel like so many women can probably relate to the whole feeling a bit manipulated and guilted into having sex, especially when you don't have a strong boundary. I feel like the thing is you don't want to put yourself in this situation. If you're someone who doesn't want to have sex until the fifth date, just don't put yourself in a situation where you could potentially have sex. Don't invite him into your home after the date. Don't go to his place after the date. Don't get him all hot and bothered in the car after the date.
00:29:31
Speaker
Keep yourself in public spaces and then like the opportunity won't arise but it's it's kind of like when you put yourself into these situations like what I did where I have a boundary where I don't want to sleep with a guy until like three weeks or like I don't I don't want to Like see the guy until I can see that it's going somewhere and it's leading into a commitment and I have like a more emotional connection with him But then it's like when I'm putting myself into a situation where I'm sleeping over at his then
00:30:00
Speaker
then it's just like, okay, well, the lines are blurred. And how do you state that boundary? So I'm still trying to figure out what to tell a guy, like, how do you kind of voice it in a way that is good? You know what I mean? Like, I think I just kind of will say, like, I don't sleep with a guy until I can see that it's heading into
00:30:17
Speaker
a relationship or something. I don't even know if that's a good way to word it. I think it's like saying like, it's really important to me to have emotional safety, trust and connection. And once that's established, then I'm okay with moving forward. But that's the most important thing for me now. And I think in that way, like men will respect that and be like, okay, that's fair. Because I think it can, dating, it can get like fun and flirty. And I think it's okay to even like, get a little bit
00:30:46
Speaker
sexual in the conversational nature with these clear boundaries so that the men aren't making assumptions about I'm gonna tell story actually so I've never shared this like obviously I'm newly single I have gone on a few dates I went on a date with this guy
00:31:01
Speaker
And I made the mistake of telling him what kind of coaching I did. And I learned that men don't have a fucking clue what I'm talking about. And they have their own interpretation of what is being said. And so this guy, he was a filmmaker, so he was really passionate about films. So it was really cool to have a conversation about things we're both passionate about. So I thought, oh, it's okay. I can share with him what kind of coaching I do. But he obviously took that spun and misinterpreted it. And then basically was like, oh, should we go back to my place?
00:31:31
Speaker
First of all, he was like, let's go for a walk. So I was like, sure, it was a nice day. Went for a walk and then he was like, oh, my place is just here. Should we go back? And I have boundaries. I'm very good at communication. I coach women in this kind of area. But even me, I was like, oh, OK, yeah, sure. And it was like, fuck, he caught me so off guard that I didn't know what to say.
00:31:52
Speaker
And I kind of went along with it and said yes. And as we crossed the street immediately, I got mad anxiety in my body. Like my whole body was contracting within probably like 10 seconds of me saying yes. And I was like, thank you, body. There's no way. Like, no, I got the immediate ick.
00:32:09
Speaker
So then I was like, can we just go for a walk actually? Let's just go for a wander. And we did. And then he asked me, can I kiss you? And I was like, no, not yet. And even though in my head I was like, no. But I was like, it's just really important for me to have the emotional connection and the safety. I'm not there yet. But I appreciate you asking for consent. Anyway, within 10 minutes, I was like, oh, I have to go. So I left. But I just thought to myself,
00:32:33
Speaker
wow, that's really shown me how most women could operate because even me, I found myself saying yes to go along with it because I was so caught off guard. And only thanks to like the extreme, like my body screams at me now because my connection is so strong. If I'm feeling off with something, like it's crippling in my body. It comes up in pain and stress and anxiety that I can't ignore it. So I was grateful for that. But I thought, this is a really good research, like for the plots, I'm seeing everything in TikTok, like doing it for the plot. I'm like,
00:33:03
Speaker
Yeah, that was a good experience for me to be able to relate to what other women are experiencing and how you can sort of dishonor your own boundaries because sometimes you get caught so off guard that you haven't even thought about it and you don't have the time to say like, oh, no, I don't go to a guy's place on the first day or whatever. So I thought I would share that. But yeah, it's wild out there. Yeah, I think so many of us are because of like so much TikTok.
00:33:29
Speaker
information and so many books we read and podcasts we listen to, it's like, what rules do we follow? And that was just such a good example that you just always have to listen to your body and listen to your intuition. So at the end of the day, I feel like there isn't a rule about when to sleep with a guy. It's just, what is your body telling you and trust that?
00:33:49
Speaker
A hundred percent. That's like the number one rule in dating and relationships. Get connected with your body and listen to that because it's always guiding you. You just sometimes don't have the connection to hear it. Like for me, it's screaming. It's super loud. I can't ignore it anymore. But that was not the case years ago. Like this is a more recent year thing for me.
Personal Growth and Dating Advice
00:34:10
Speaker
So get connected to your body is what we got to tell the people here.
00:34:15
Speaker
I would love to know what are some of the biggest lessons that you've experienced from dating and relationships?
00:34:23
Speaker
Hmm. It's so funny. I feel like every relationship I have, I kind of level up in some way because I first, when I first was dating and granted I was in my late 20s. I feel like when you're in your 20s, just have fun. You don't have to play by the rules. Just like live your best life. But I remember I was such a hopeless romantic in my 20s. I would travel to a guy for a date or so I recommend like never traveling to a guy for a date. But I how far are we talking?
00:34:52
Speaker
Okay, I booked a flight to Spain for a guy once. I went to Spain for a guy. I was in Bali. I was in Bali. I met this guy. Yeah, he was like this hot architect. And we were texting on Instagram.
00:35:08
Speaker
And yeah, he was like, come to Spain. And I was like, I was just in my 20s. I'm like, yeah, I'll come to Spain, like paid for my own flight. I would never do this now. When a guy is in Ulawatu, which is like an hour and a half scooter drive from where I live, and he's like, come to Ulawatu to see me for the first day. I always say, I never travel to a guy for the first day. And then they get all moby. And I'm like, OK, well, clearly this guy doesn't want to put in any effort. So next. But yeah, I traveled to Spain for this guy.
00:35:36
Speaker
met up with him and then he like ghosted me within three days and said he was really busy with work and all this stuff came up. So I just ended up staying out. He was in Mallorca. So I ended up actually having a grand old time by myself in Mallorca for three weeks.
00:35:50
Speaker
But I also was really hurt because I flew all the way to Mallorca for this guy and then he ended up ghosting me. But I feel like that's oftentimes what happens when we travel somewhere for a guy. It's just like, what do you think is going to happen? He's not thinking that this is going to be anything serious. He's just probably thinking I'm just going to hook up with this girl.
00:36:10
Speaker
This girl is basically like a delivery package to my door. It's great. So yeah, that was a lesson. Never travel to a guy like you kind of did like you gave up your whole life and moved to another country for a guy. I listened to Margarita. I love her TikToks, but she always says like,
00:36:29
Speaker
Never to give up your life for a guy unless you're, he's got like a ring. He's going to propose to you with a ring. Like don't travel to another country for a guy. So that was something that I learned. Now I always make sure that the guy comes to me or when we go on our first date, like I'm not the one who's traveling like 30, 45 minutes. Like he, we're going to a restaurant that's more near me. So that was a lesson. Another lesson is when my business was doing really well.
00:36:53
Speaker
I felt like I wanted to, I was kind of like the healer, like fixing the broken bird type vibe. And so I was in Mexico. I met this really hot Mexican guy. We had like a five day fling and then COVID happened. And so I went back to Bali and then we were kind of like lonely a bit. So we were just texting on WhatsApp, video calling, all these things, built a texting relationship, which
00:37:19
Speaker
This is also something highly discouraged. That'll be like another point that I'll make about like mistakes and stuff.
00:37:26
Speaker
Yeah. I ended up helping this guy build an online business while he was in Mexico. And he ended up when, when the borders to Bali opened through having certain visas, he ended up coming to Bali and like living with me and it did not work out. We ended up breaking up like pretty quickly after that, like two months after that. But I like, I was making so much money in my business. Like I paid for like his flight to come.
00:37:52
Speaker
like I would never do that now. Now like that's not a thing, but it's almost like I was in my wounded healer era where I just wanted to fix this person and like give him a better life sort of thing. So that was a thing like never do that, never be the one to fix a guy. And then yeah, the other thing is I feel like
00:38:12
Speaker
When it comes to texting and dating, texting is not a real relationship. Like oftentimes what people will do here in Bali is they will set their location to Bali, but then they're not here yet. They're like, I'm coming to Bali in like a month or in three weeks. And so one time.
00:38:28
Speaker
This super, super attractive hot guy like matched with him on a dating app. And he's like, I'm coming to Bali in like three weeks. And so we had a texting relationship where he was texting me every morning, every night, throughout the day, like felt like the vibes were there, but we weren't sending really any voice notes, no phone calls. It was just texting.
00:38:48
Speaker
When you're texting, you can't really get a good vibe for a guy. It's just like you're creating a fantasy in your head about what it could be, but it's not real until you meet the person. Even with the relationship I had with the Mexican guy, it was like a texting relationship. It's not face-to-face. You're creating a fantasy about what something could be.
00:39:10
Speaker
like if a guy isn't in your area for like a month or so like don't waste your time just texting him all the time like live your best life and then let him meet you in real life and see if the vibe is actually there because it's always so different in person so true some guys are really good at texting and really not the same boldness or like banter in person and it's yeah it's
00:39:33
Speaker
It does create this false sense of connection and closeness that is then not there in person because they are ultimately a stranger that you've just met and don't
Navigating Dating Apps
00:39:43
Speaker
know. But it is easy to, in this day and age, I think it's really easy for people to fall into that consistent messaging back and forth and like,
00:39:51
Speaker
getting to know each other so so long there. I really think like a week or so max between talking and going on a date otherwise it's like the guy has to take the lead. I actually was just texting one of my one of my close friends who's in England about dating tonight and she was talking about this guy who she went on a date with and he bought the drink then she was like oh he's gonna expect me to pay in the next one. I was like no no
00:40:17
Speaker
You're not paying. So I was giving her all these tips and I saw that you did a TikTok about this. Is it your five date rule for paying? Can you talk a little bit about that? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:40:29
Speaker
I feel like when it comes to paying, the guy should pay. This is how I see it. I actually learned this from Margarita and I think it makes so much sense. If I wanted to take you out and ask you about dating and get some advice for you and wanted to take you out on a coffee and talk with you, I'm going to pay for the date because I'm the one who's hosting. The same with a guy. A guy is the one who's taking you on a date.
00:40:49
Speaker
Right? Like he's the one who's showing you his world. He's showing you who he is. Like he's the one who is paying. However, let's say that you are from a different culture and maybe you've gone on like three to four dates with this guy and now you want to take him to your side of the world and not side of the world, but your side, like a restaurant that is like really meaningful for you or something like that. Food that your culture eats. Like let me bring you here to this restaurant.
00:41:12
Speaker
you'd be the one paying because it's kind of like you're hosting him in a sense but I just feel like the guy the guy pays when he's wanting to wine and dine you he's the one who needs to kind of in a sense like prove to you that he can maybe be like someone worthy of
00:41:31
Speaker
dating you, I guess. Yes. Yes, exactly. I think that's an important shift. Like it's a similar to where we started at the beginning of it's all about us. Like we are the prize as women. We are the queen in the queen energy and the men are auditioning for us versus the other way round, which I think sometimes we can go into these sort of things like
00:41:52
Speaker
I want to impress this person. I want him to like me. I want his validation. And instead of seeing it the other way around of like, he needs to show me what he's got, how much he can plan dates, how much he can wine and dine me. And so how do you, from your experience, how do you have the confidence to be like, I'm not paying. What does that look like for you to get the guy to pay? I think that.
00:42:17
Speaker
I'm just really good when I'm on a dating app at assessing if a guy has money because I'm in my 30s now. I don't have time to waste with a guy who doesn't have his shit figured out. I'm looking for a provider and I'm not ashamed to say that. When I have babies later, hopefully, I don't want to be working.
00:42:37
Speaker
And so I don't want to date someone who just can't afford to buy me dinner. So when I'm dating on Hinge and I'm assessing their profile, it's easy to tell if someone has money or not. What are they wearing? What are their photos? You go on their Instagram. What's their job? I'm just really good at assessing if this person is going to have money. And so it's kind of like a standard for me where the guys that I've been dating this whole year, they all have money. That's just the standard. I just expect that they're going to pay.
00:43:09
Speaker
three months ago with this guy from South Africa and he, this was also, oh, this was like the worst, but this was actually, this date made me stop dating for three months, it was that bad. I went on a date with this guy from South Africa and he's in Ulawatu, which is like this surf town that's like an hour and a half away from Chenggu. He was trying to get me to go to him in Ulawatu and I was like, no, no, no, like I don't travel to a guy for the first date, like you can come here. And so then,
00:43:31
Speaker
Oh my gosh, I went on a date maybe.
00:43:38
Speaker
He ended up coming here. He's like, you better be worth it. And I was like, okay, that feels like a lot of pressure, but like, let's go. We went to Seoul rooftop, which is like this cute little beach bar place, had dinner. And then because he lived so far away, we finished dinner and we thought we would go for drinks after.
00:43:58
Speaker
But then he wanted to like go back to my place, which like big mistake, but it's almost like I felt guilty because he traveled an hour and a half to come here that we needed to go to my place to regroup. So that's like, this is where the boundaries blur if you're not the type of person that wants to hook up with a guy right away in the first date. So we go to mine.
00:44:16
Speaker
Immediately, he's trying to hook up with me, making moves to have sex. I'm like, no, no, no, but the boundaries are blurred because I just invited him to my place. Then after he's trying to have sex with me and I keep saying no, no, no, he says, since we're going to dinner, since I got the drinks at the bar, can you get the dinner? My whole body just shut down. I got so anxious, but he said it while he was in my bathroom. I was just like,
00:44:43
Speaker
what the heck like you're trying to have sex with me but you want like now you want me to like pay you back because you paid for the drinks and now it's my turn like we're already in a 50-50 relationship like hell no it was yeah it was like not the vibe and then we went to dinner I ended up paying and my whole bot I was so pissed because I was like this is not my minimum standard this is not my minimum standard
00:45:09
Speaker
But yeah, like at the end of the day, yeah, you just like don't say anything. Like I think some girls have the awkward like, I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to fix my makeup. I'm going to do these things. Like you just sit there and don't even reach for your wallet. Don't say I've got this. Like I actually.
00:45:25
Speaker
three weeks ago was dating this other super, super rich guy. And we had been on like three dates and I offered to pay on the third date, but it was more out of guilt because I started to not feel attracted to him anymore. So it was almost like a courtesy pay. Like I'm gonna pay for this date and then cut him loose. But I offered to pay even though he said he makes like 3 million a year in his business and he was like super rich and was wearing a Rolex watch. And I offered to pay and he let me pay for one of the dinners.
00:45:53
Speaker
So it's like you also don't want to offer to pay because even if a guy does have money, like some guys really like that you offered, like they're into that. So then he let me pay and then I was like, oh damn, I shouldn't have offered. So like, don't offer, don't reach to your purse. Don't get up to go to the bathroom. Just sit there. Like be a dumb fox and just.
00:46:14
Speaker
I absolutely love it. I'm going to share a couple of things that I was just telling my friend right now, because I think it's really powerful. It starts on the apps. It starts with the conversation. If the guy has to plan the day and the guy has to suggest where they're going, because like you said, they have to be the one, if they're choosing the restaurant, they're paying. They can choose a restaurant within their price range.
00:46:33
Speaker
Like if they're going to choose a really fancy restaurant, you're not paying for that. Like, no, especially on the first day or so. But something that I think can be really powerful because it's really about having that masculine and feminine energy balance because a lot of women are in their feminine. They're wanting a man that's in his masculine. Therefore he needs to be taking the action. He needs to be driving forward and being in that leadership energy. So I think some things to help like shift that dynamic for women can be
00:46:59
Speaker
to have up in a playful way, have the guy kind of take the lead with the whole evening. So it can be fun to be like,
00:47:06
Speaker
What drink, like what, what do you want? Can you suggest a drink or like, what do you want to drink? What do you want to order us or something like that? And again, it's not from this, like, I'm not impacted. I think we can be so hyper independent. Like I've got this. I've, I know what I want. I'm good. And that's great. Like we get to know what we want and that's really important. And also kind of want to be like testing these guys out. Like can he take the lead? Can he hold the conversation? Can you order for you? Can he sort it all?
00:47:32
Speaker
that puts him in his masculine and gives him a purpose. So something that I think could be fun is to be like, oh, I, can I tell you what I like? And then can you order like for me? That is already going to put him in that leadership, like masculine energy. And I think that's super helpful. So that by the time the bill's coming or the check or whatever, he's asking for it. Like you don't ask it. If you're asking for it, then you're already kind of shifted the dynamic. So
00:47:57
Speaker
Have him release control, tell him what you like, have him order for you, and take the lead for the evening. Test his skills, his leadership, his masculine skills, and then love it when the chat comes. You're just smiling and sitting there looking pretty, not going for the purse. That's a no.
00:48:18
Speaker
Yeah, I love it. That's so smart. I love when a guy orders for me, by the way. I think it's so hot. Me too. The guys take the menu and he's like, we're getting this. Like he's picking the appetizers and I'm just like, yep. Exactly. It's the ultimate test. Like it's so funny because years ago I used to be like, you're not ordering for me in my previous relationships. I'd be like, don't you dare. What do you think I am? You're going to be the control, like controller for me. And now I'm like, take control. Yeah.
00:48:45
Speaker
I want to submit if the trust's there and obviously the connection, but that's such a great test for man. See if he can order for you. If he can't freaking order for you and be confident in his decisions, he ain't it, in my opinion. That's immediate ick.
00:49:01
Speaker
I mean, yeah, because I can take that menu and be like, we're going to get this, this, this. Like I can do that easily. Right. Like I'm sure this can, but can he, so little, little tactic there. We'll test that one out. So a couple, couple final things. What are some dating app X? Like what are things that you would avoid? Cause clearly you are good at finding these eligible bachelors who are successful in business and career.
00:49:28
Speaker
which is great. They want to have their shit together. What are you like looking for? What are some X or what are some green flags that you see on the apps?
00:49:35
Speaker
Hmm, I think well because it's different for me. I feel like because I live on a holiday island So I'm looking for someone who lives here ideally so sometimes people will say on the apps like Looking for a tour guide like give me travel tips for Bali and I'm like immediate ick like no, you're not living here But yeah as far as the apps, you know, I think it's important too because I don't know what app use I feel like they're all different I use hinge
00:50:02
Speaker
And just like the number one for most places from what I hear.
00:50:09
Speaker
Yeah, I'm just looking to see how much effort they put into their profile, you know, like some guys just don't put much effort in like they they're like, I hate the questions, like this is stupid, la la la. And it's kind of just like, like you have to put in a little effort. And so I feel like with hinge, at least you can show your personality and throw a voice note in there. And like, really, if you I like guys that put effort into their profile, because I can get a good lead on them. But you have a voice note in your profile.
00:50:39
Speaker
I do. Yeah. What does it say? I do. I love that. It just has me saying what my favorite song is. But I think that I just like when guys put a lot of effort into their profile, you know? Yeah. It's like the bare minimum. I saw a guy on Hinge that was like, do you know what poutine is?
00:51:03
Speaker
It's a Canadian. It's a food. It's like chip, basically fries with gravy and cheese curds. It's like a Canadian thing. But literally every answer to his question was poutine, poutine, poutine. I was like, are you actually joking? Yeah, like that's ridiculous. Or this is the one I hate. The first round, the prompt, the first round is on me if the second round is on
Authenticity and Effort in Dating
00:51:26
Speaker
you. Nope. No, thank you. Absolutely not. Absolutely not.
00:51:33
Speaker
Yeah. And I feel like it's rather annoying when, because you match with someone, but then oftentimes, like I never will be the first one to message them. I want them to message me first. So yeah, there's like all of these people who are just like chilling in your bin because they never messaged you first.
00:51:50
Speaker
I feel like with Hinge and the dating apps and stuff, it's kind of like what you said about the one week thing. I don't want to be talking to a guy where it's dragging on and he's not asking me on a date within that week. It's just kind of pointless for me. I'm going to kick him off the raw stuff. Things aren't moving quickly.
00:52:10
Speaker
I love it. There is something that I think that can be fun to try out. So I'm definitely in the research phase of life now for me, especially with the work that I do. I have worked for so long with women in long-term relationships and also work with women who are dating. But now I'm like, oh, I get to be in this research experimental phase. So I'm like, I'm going to try all of the things out. So it's fun for me to try out different techniques. And sometimes there's a guy
00:52:35
Speaker
that I'm like, oh, okay. Like I'm curious to see, we're having good chats, but he's not, he's not like taking the lead. And I think some guys are so afraid of rejection and so like scarred by this like feminist movement that they don't want to offend a woman in some ways. Like obviously I think that's not for a lot of us, that's not what we want. But I think that has really kind of like blurred the vision for a lot of people because they just don't know how to interact because there are some women where it's like,
00:53:05
Speaker
If they offered to pay in the first date, the women will be highly offended. Like, no. And then there's women who are in their feminine energy who are like, no, no, he's paying. Like that's the assumption. So I think it's a bit confusing, but something that I think is fun to test out is to be like, if they're chatting and the chat is good and you're into them.
00:53:24
Speaker
be like, we'd love to carry on this conversation in person. Let me know if you want to set something up or like, let me know if you want to make a plan. And then it's like, it's on them. And then they have to say where and when and what the deal is and all of that, but you ain't making the plan. Like they have to make the plan. And I think detachment is important to be able to detach and be like, if this guy is not
00:53:47
Speaker
responding and asking you out like you have to let it go even if he's the sexiest thing you've ever seen you have to be like willing to walk away from that. I love that. I actually with my ex that I dated I was the one who suggested our first date now that I think about it because we like I remember we moved the conversations into the DMs on Instagram and he just like wasn't a good texter that's just
00:54:09
Speaker
his personality, his terrible texter. So I always took it out as he wasn't interested. But eventually I was like, hey, there's this really cool party in Uluwatu. I feel like it would be a cool experience for you since you're new in Bali. Would you want to come? And he was like, yeah. And then we ended up having the best first date ever. And I was the one who suggested it. So I feel like sometimes, too, you got to just go after what you want. I know we're not supposed to chase the guy. We're supposed to lean back. But sometimes, if you are really feeling a guy, just go after it.
00:54:38
Speaker
Again, I feel like there are so many rules and it can be so hard and I think we take dating so seriously. We have to wait for the guy to text first, do all these things. I recently just decided I wanted to just fuck off the rules and I just want to do me because I have my hot girl list. I'm working on creating my best life.
00:54:57
Speaker
And I just want to attract a guy who I want to have fun with, who wants to go on adventures all around the world, like someone I can do life with. Like we're going to travel, we're just going to live our best life, grow. Like it's not necessarily that I want to be all serious with this guy. Like he has to like, like, I don't know, we're going to build a life together and it's going to be so serious and he's got to be my partner in crime. Like I just want to have fun and attract a guy who's also on that page. And
00:55:24
Speaker
Yeah, I feel like we just got to kind of fight the rules off too. A hundred percent. I totally agree. And I think it comes back to having that connection to self, knowing clearly what you want and how you want to feel with somebody and then just trusting yourself. And worst case, do it for the plot and you can send it in the group chat with all your girls and laugh about it. Like that's, we got to have, have you not heard that on TikTok?
00:55:46
Speaker
No, and I love it. Do it for the plot. Yeah. It's like all these hashtags. Cause like my whole feed now is like dating and relationships. Cause like that's all that I'm posting and consuming. And I find it so funny. I think this has perpetuated some of the.
00:56:00
Speaker
shitty like dating stories though because if you go on a bad date you can go on TikTok and post about it and get validation from that so I don't think that's helpful but yeah there's all of this stuff it's like I'm doing it for the plot so that's why I keep telling myself I'm like it's for the plot it's all good like we'll make note of this but yeah that is that is funny oh one last thing I wanted to say have you heard of the handkerchief theory?
00:56:23
Speaker
No. So this, I don't know where this came from, but it's like something from back in like the forties or the fifties. And it's basically that women are the chooser. So like a women, a woman chooses the man. And so back in the day, women would have a handkerchief and she would be out and about, and she would walk past a man and drop it and he would then pick it up. And that would be her invitation to, for him to like, she's chosen him and she's opened it up, but then it's on him to like make that move.
00:56:50
Speaker
And I think that's such an important thing to remember that a woman does need to be open and she needs to have that like feminine receptive open energy, but she needs to make that move in a way to say, I'm choosing him and maybe he's in a relationship, maybe he's not ready, maybe he's not into you. But if you make that move to like drop the handkerchief, you're giving him the signal, like you're giving him a purpose and then he can then it's opened that door for him to make the move on you. So sometimes that can be like,
00:57:17
Speaker
in texting saying like, hey, wanna set up a date that's on you or like if you're out at a bar, like giving a guy a job or like I went out with a friend the other day and she literally was the embodiment of this and was showing me and she like basically knocked the guy on the elbow next to her like accidentally, but then it started a conversation and then she was like, what did you order? And then this whole conversation started happening and I was like, oh, you smart girl, like you know how to do this. There's small things like that that I think are really fun.
00:57:46
Speaker
Yeah, I love that. I feel like we need to be really open as well. And eye contact is so important. We are the choosers. A guy's not going to come and talk to you at the bar until you make eye contact first and make your eye contact linger a little longer, then he'll know you're interested. But if you're just walking into the bar and your head is down and you're not looking at anyone, like no guys are going to really come up to you because you're kind of closed off.
00:58:08
Speaker
right? We are the initiator, the initiators in a sly way. If you see a guy that's hot, stare at him for five seconds until he sees that and catches your eye and then he's going to know you're interested and he's going to be able to come over. But I feel like we're scared to make eye contact and we're scared to do that because we're so we're, we're used to hiding behind dating apps, guys and girls, we're both hiding and we don't have to actually make moves in the real life. So I think that's an easy way to make a move in the real life. If you're
00:58:34
Speaker
fancying a guy is just kind of stare at him. And I'll be like, okay. I love it. And it's actually not that scary to make eye contact. You don't have to say anything. And the worst thing is that he doesn't come over to you. And the best thing is that he does. So it's like, it's very low stakes, but it is hard for people. I love eye contact. I am obsessed with lingering eye contact. I love eye gazing with people like stranger, like all that stuff.
00:59:03
Speaker
I'm obsessed. Yeah. I've done that. So intimidating to me. Oh my God. Okay. You have to do it. I do it so much. Like when I have attended retreats in the past, and then when I'm hosting my retreats, eye contact is such a huge thing. Like I make people do eye gazing. So I've literally done, like, I just was out there. I spot and saw the place of the day and was doing intense eye contact with someone in the class. And I'm like,
00:59:24
Speaker
I can see into your soul. I love it. And I can hold eye contact and never break away. I will not break away. I'm so confident in it that I will make the other person break away first because I just have the skills. I'm like, I'm staying here. I'm staying here and it's intense and it's powerful, but it's my favorite. I love it. Oh my gosh. So vulnerable.
00:59:47
Speaker
It is, you can literally see someone saw, I was doing it with this guy the other day and like in this class. And I could see when he was trying to send me the signal, like this was very platonic, just FYI, but you know, when you're giving prompts, I could see that he was trying to give me love through his eyes. And then I kind of like flipped it and was like.
01:00:07
Speaker
I'm going to actually send it back because I can tell what he needs is to receive versus being the giver. And I could see him getting emotional and tears were coming in his eyes as I was like flipping the script. Like I'm sending you love and you need to receive it all through the eyes. It was really fun. Wow. That's so fun. I love that. I love the eye gazing. Love it so much.
01:00:29
Speaker
All right, well, I literally could have this conversation all day. I mean, I could go for hours on this, but I've loved this so much and I feel like it's so relatable because dating in the thirties is a different
01:00:45
Speaker
experience than previous years.
Independence and Self-Empowerment
01:00:48
Speaker
So I have questions that I'm going to ask you, three rapid fire questions, but before I do, I ask every guest before I do, what would you love to kind of like, how would you put a bow on this for women who are maybe single dating in their thirties? Like how can you release that timeline and that pressure that we naturally are starting to feel in our thirties about marriage, babies, settling down, like all of the things, what would you say?
01:01:12
Speaker
That's such a good question because that's the struggle I'm in right now is I feel like there's pressure. I even posted about this the other day. There's so much pressure that you need to settle down, have babies. I'm 33, but I think it's just let go of all timelines and just focus on creating your best life. Focus on you. Put all the focus on you. What's the life I want to build? What's the life I want to create? What makes me happy? Let go of seeking someone else and just create your best life because eventually when you are happy and living your best life,
01:01:40
Speaker
You're gonna attract someone who is also kind of equally living his best life and then you guys just come together So I just like let go of the other person and just focus on creating what you want I think oftentimes we feel like we can't create what we want until we have our partner like I can't start making all the money and it start investing in stocks and all these things until I find the masculine to teach me how to do that or
01:02:04
Speaker
I can't start the business until I do this. I can't do this until he comes. But it's like, no, you can. You can do everything by yourself. Focus on creating your best life first. So that's what I've been doing.
01:02:14
Speaker
Oh, love that. I, as you were saying that, that just made me think we have to be our own daddy, like daddy ourselves. Like I was thinking today, I'd be so nice if somebody would like buy me a coffee. And I was like, no, daddy energy, energy myself. I'm going to buy my own coffee and like give myself that energy and presence of
01:02:34
Speaker
as if someone were dannying me, if that makes sense. Like, as if that masculine part of I was like tapping into my inner masculine, like, I got you queen. Yes. It's all good. Having this inner dialogue, self-dialogue conversation. But that's super powerful. And at the end of the day, people are having babies, like, at 45 years old now, like, in early 40s is so normal. As long as we're focusing on our health and our energy, like, anything is possible. So we got 10 plus years, like, we got all the time in the world.
01:03:03
Speaker
So I love that. Thank you for sharing that because I know a lot of people can struggle with that when you go on Instagram and everybody is having babies or getting engaged or getting married. But then there's like the other side of social media where there's people going through these massive breakups and shifts. So I like that side of social media right now to see that.
01:03:24
Speaker
Exactly. Well, people always want what they don't have, right? So I'm going back to America for Christmas, and all my high school friends are married, and they have at least one kid. Maybe you're pregnant with their second. And I'm sure that they are looking at my Instagram feed, and they're like, oh, I wish that I got to live the single life. I got married in my early 20s, and I never got to experience living in a foreign country and traveling the world and living my best life. So the grass always looks greener somewhere else. So just because there's a societal pressure that we need to have kids by a certain point,
01:03:54
Speaker
Like your life is going to change and transform when you're married and when you have kids. And like you are probably going to be married soon-ish. Like you're going to end up being married for like hopefully like 30, 40, 50 years. You have your whole life to get married. You know what I mean? And so it's like cherish this time, become your best self in this time. Yeah. Yeah. It's wild to think we potentially are not even a third of the way through our life. When you think about it like that, why are we worried? What are we worrying about?
01:04:20
Speaker
We still have more life to live than we have lived up until this point. That's kind of crazy, but also exciting. Yeah. Like if I get married by the time I'm like 35, I have 50 years to be married to this person. It's like, why am I in a rush to do that?
01:04:38
Speaker
That's a good, definitely a good way to think about it. I love it. Amazing. Well, I've loved this conversation so much, Laura. Thank you for sharing so openly and wonderfully. I love this chat. So to close off, I would love to know what are you celebrating right now in your life?
01:04:55
Speaker
Ooh, I am celebrating the fact that I just feel really happy by myself. Like I don't feel the need to go out and get validation from other people. I'm in such a cool routine with my hot girl list. I've just been filling up my own cup and feeling happy being by myself for the first time in a really long time. I don't need anyone to make me feel good. I make myself feel good. So that's what I'm celebrating.
01:05:24
Speaker
Love it. I'm celebrating that for you too. That's the ultimate celebration and the place to be in in life. So love it. I got to get me a hot girl list. What is bringing you the most pleasure right now?
01:05:40
Speaker
That's a good question. I've been doing a lot of self-concept work, so changing my inner dialogue and my I am statements. And I've actually been following and watching this TV show on Netflix called Perfect Match.
01:05:55
Speaker
And have you seen it? I feel like I've heard of it. Is it a reality? It's a reality show, like a reality dating show. But there's just a couple of characters on that show and they're so authentically themselves. Like they just are having so much fun. They give no F's. They're just really loud, really crazy, really wild. And they have such big personalities. And I felt like since my breakup, I felt like my confidence in myself had been down and I felt like I hadn't been
01:06:23
Speaker
my most outrageous, authentic self.
Transformative Experiences for Growth
01:06:25
Speaker
And so watching this show, I'm realizing like, oh my gosh, people love when a girl walks into a room and she just lights up the room because she's just so bold and so expressive and so herself. And I feel like I kind of had been dimming myself all this year because my confidence had been knocked down after my breakup. So I've been doing this self concept work to say I light up any room.
01:06:46
Speaker
I love being myself. It's okay to just be bold and be loud, not loud, but be your most authentic self. And I feel like in the dating world on our first date or a second date, we can kind of put on a front sort of thing where you're not being your most crazy self and you're not being your most authentic self because you're putting on not a show, but it's like on a first date, you're not going to
01:07:06
Speaker
go all in. And I feel like I kind of let that go. And I've just been my most bright, energetic, bold, beaming, energy self. And I feel like guys really like that when you just let all your walls down right away because then it allows them to be themselves too. And so that's kind of what I'm really happy with right now is I've just been being myself and not being afraid of rejection or like what people think of me.
01:07:35
Speaker
I love this, it's so powerful. And that is where we are at our most magnetic and radiant when you are truly like, no fucks given, this is me, take me or leave me. So I love that so much. And also my dogs agree, if you could hear them barking, they were trying to join in like, yes, Laura, be yourself, be loud, be bold. No fucks given from them.
01:07:57
Speaker
Thank you for sharing that. My final question is what is something that you wish every woman on the planet could know or experience? That's a deep question. I feel like just experience. I wish everyone could experience living in a foreign country. I feel like it's a really cool, cool thing to just move somewhere where you don't know anyone and you can kind of just start a whole new life.
01:08:19
Speaker
That's like something I wish everyone could experience, I guess. Because when I moved to Bali, I didn't know a single person. It was like, the slate is wiped clean. I know no one. So I guess just it could be moving somewhere. I guess it could also be traveling too, like solo traveling could also be something that's equally similar vibe.
01:08:37
Speaker
That's the biggest teacher. The biggest education you can have is moving to a new place. And then you also get to be the best, like newest, most true embodiment of yourself, right? Because people don't know you. They don't know your story and your, your past. So I love that. I resonate. Yes. Celebrating all the Queens who move across the world. It is a fun, a fun journey to go on. Thank you so much for sharing. Where can everybody find you and connect?
01:09:06
Speaker
You can find me on Instagram at the femmeceo. Amazing. We'll put everything in the show notes. Thank you so much and enjoy the beautiful Bali weather. Have a beautiful day.