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Crossroads of Love: Navigating When to Stay and When to Leave - Solo Episode | EP 25
76 Plays1 year ago
In this solo episode we delve deep into the complexities of relationships, exploring the pivotal moments when we face the decision of whether to stay or to leave.
We'll navigate the intricate terrain of romantic partnerships, the 3 phases of a relationship, examining the nuanced questions one must ask oneself when evaluating the health and future of a relationship. Whether you're grappling with doubt or seeking clarity, join us as we navigate the delicate balance of heart and mind in the pursuit of lasting love.
Grab you journal and get ready to take notes, especially of the questions you're going to want to dive into.
LINKS:
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Transcript
Transformative Relationships
00:00:00
Speaker
Choose carefully and know that every day you are choosing what you are not changing. You can absolutely change and transform anything about yourself and your relationship. You can't change the other person, but you can invite them into the group and you can work together to transform the relationship.
Introduction to Empowered Relationships
00:00:19
Speaker
Welcome to the Unfiltered Femme podcast. Your new world to get the lowdown on all things pleasure, sexuality, the mysterious female body, dating, relationships and everything you need to know to step into your most unfiltered, unapologetic, empowered and turned on self.
00:00:37
Speaker
I'm Steph Morris, a love, sex and intimacy coach, and along with some incredibly fabulous guests, I'm here to spill the tea on those topics that are typically hush-hush. The juicy things that you want to know all about that have maybe been a little bit too shy to talk about.
Authentic Conversations on Empowerment
00:00:53
Speaker
Think of me as your fearless guide and partner in crime, creating a space for the unfiltered, the raw, the authentic chats where nothing is off limits and there's no such thing as too much. The Unfiltered Femme podcast is all about breaking down those walls and celebrating what it means to be an unfiltered, feminine being. I hope you're ready for a wild ride. Let's dive right in.
Exploring Conscious Relationships
00:01:18
Speaker
Welcome back.
00:01:20
Speaker
let's dive in to a juicy conversation around when to stay and when to go. We're going to be diving into all things healthy and conscious relationships. I have some questions to ask yourself if you are not sure about your future, if you don't feel like you have complete
00:01:38
Speaker
security and stability. Maybe there is some questioning about the future of your relationship. Let's start with this.
Challenges of Merging Lives
00:01:45
Speaker
Relationships are very complex. If you think about it, there are two human beings with two sets of inner children, two sets of lived experiences, two sets of upbringing, each of them having their own lineages, each of them having their own set of parents and grandparents, sometimes siblings.
00:02:05
Speaker
And all of this is merging together, two lives merging together as one for these two humans to live, hopefully, a happy and healthy and fulfilling life. Of course, there are going to be struggles and challenges and things that arise when two humans are combining their lives together.
00:02:28
Speaker
to live as one, as one entity, as one relationship, as one couple. This is going to come
Growth Through Relationship Wounds
00:02:35
Speaker
with challenges. So I think this is the first thing that's really important to acknowledge that I don't believe relationships have to be hard. I don't believe in that. Though I do believe that all relationships are our deepest mirror.
00:02:49
Speaker
They are gonna trigger the deepest wounds that we have within ourselves and that is how we can form conscious relationships is acknowledging that and Diving in and saying I'm here and I'm willing to do the work as an individual to heal myself and to become the best version of myself and To do the work with you
00:03:09
Speaker
To be that mirror to you to hold you accountable for the way that you're being and when that's not aligned with who you say you desire to be and support you.
00:03:22
Speaker
and also to do the work for us as a couple, as a relationship entity.
The Couple Bubble Concept
00:03:27
Speaker
So let's just start by setting some sort of foundations that I really believe in the concept behind the relationship being a separate entity. So we have I, two I's, and together there's a we. And yes, it's important to maintain some sense of independence when you're in a relationship. Yes, it's important to still have your own sense of self.
00:03:52
Speaker
of course, to have your own hobbies, to have your own interests, to have your own friends, to have your own life, that is very necessary, otherwise we get into these codependent patterns, and also to focus on the other person, to nourish the other person, to support that other person, to love that other person. And then you have the two individuals, but there is this third entity, and this can be seen as the couple bubble.
00:04:18
Speaker
So this is a concept by, I believe, Stan Atkin from his book, Wired for Love. And I think there was some deeper research into all of this. I will put all of this in the show notes. It's a very great book. And it actually dives into a little bit around attachment styles as well and the concept behind that. There's amazing podcasts that I recently released around attachment styles and relationships. If you have not checked that out, I definitely recommend bookmarking that one after you have listened to this episode.
00:04:47
Speaker
So there is a couple bubble and this is the separate entity that we need to form and commit to each other that we're both going to put.
Investment in Relationship Success
00:04:56
Speaker
equal amounts into this couple bubble to nourish it. So imagine like you had a dog or you have a child and you're going to nurture and nourish that. This is the same thing with relationships. We're going to focus on nourishing this part and both putting into it because relationships do require effort. Relationships do require resources, our time, our energy.
00:05:17
Speaker
and our attention and also intention. And that's how we can truly create beautiful, thriving, long lasting, happy relationships.
Complexities of Relationship Progression
00:05:28
Speaker
I don't think that longevity and the length of a relationship is the determining factor of whether a relationship is successful or whether a couple are happy. I think there are so many more factors that go into it.
00:05:39
Speaker
And something that truly blows my mind is that this is one of the most complex, if not the most complex part of human life, is navigating relationships from seeking a relationship, from dating the complexities, especially in today's society that go along with that, to meeting a person, to entering this relationship consciously, so that you are laying the foundations in a really stable, secure way. Because the way you enter a relationship really has a determinant factor
00:06:07
Speaker
on how the relationship unfolds and we'll get into that in a moment and then the merging of those two people's lives together moving in together potentially getting married potentially having children if that feels aligned for you so many complexities here and yet it's probably one of the most under invested parts of a human life
00:06:24
Speaker
It's almost as if people just expect that it should be easy, that it should just work. If the right person is in our life, if we're in the right relationship, it's supposed to just be easy. Yes and no.
Skills for Relationship Growth
00:06:37
Speaker
Loving somebody, I believe the loving them should be easy, but actually forming this relationship and doing the work together, there's going to be challenges. There are going to be challenges and acknowledging that as a part of life.
00:06:50
Speaker
We learn to go to the gym, how to do proper form. We learn all of these different things. We learn how to eat healthy. And yet when it comes to relationships, we're often not learning the skills that are necessary to effectively communicate with one another, to effectively hold space for one another, to effectively check in with one another and to be on the same page that we are aligned in our vision and aligned in the direction for our lives that we can make sure that
00:07:20
Speaker
Couples are growing together and not growing apart, which is very common. So whether you're in a relationship or not, I think this is a really juicy episode for you to consider because at the end of the day, everybody desires a relationship. We're not supposed to do life alone. We're not supposed to be lone wolves.
00:07:34
Speaker
We're supposed to do life in community and in partnership with another person or perhaps multiple other people. If you are exploring that way of being, there are so many different relationship dynamics that can be explored and that are so much more normalized and accepted in society, which I think is amazing. And you get to decide and discern for you what feels right when you're in a relationship.
00:07:57
Speaker
It's very complex, it's a very nuanced topic, and I work with a lot of women who are coming to me with relationship challenges. And sometimes it turns out that actually the relationship is not right for them. That the lack of connection, that the recurrent argument, that the lack of sexual chemistry and intimacy that's been lost, that these are all symptoms of the fact that the relationship
00:08:20
Speaker
is no longer in alignment is no longer serving them.
Personal Desires and Relationship Choices
00:08:24
Speaker
And sometimes this happens that they realize this they have this realization that they've been settling in some way, or that it's not in alignment, or that they were getting all these signs and intuitive nudges from their body that they weren't
00:08:36
Speaker
listening to and sometimes in the case where they decide that relationship isn't an alignment, I have supported them in a really healthy and beautiful way to end those relationships and to move on and to start the healing process of healing from that heartbreak. Other times women come to me sharing these sort of challenges that they're experiencing and we can dive into some different relationship tools to discern what is there.
00:09:02
Speaker
what desires do they have that are not being met? Where are they not showing up? Where can they own their own wounds that are arising that they get to heal so that they can show up differently in partnership, which is going to invite a different response from their partner as well. So when you're diving into topics around relationships, you have to be ready to be really honest with yourself. And it is such a complex topic because there's no
00:09:25
Speaker
one size fits all i think i see both sides i see a lot of women who are settling in relationships because they're too fearful of. What's could potentially be on the other side there feel of being in the void which is really fucking scary place to be in when you're in that space in between ending of one relationship.
00:09:43
Speaker
and in the grieving process waiting for the amazingness of life to unfold, that's really scary and really challenging and why most people will avoid that. On the flip side of those people who are settling a lot, there are people who sometimes just bolt. They just leave a relationship too early. They're like, this isn't working. They're not meant for me. It's supposed to be easier than this. I'm just gonna end the relationship and move on. And I don't recommend that approach ever because if you don't really dive into your own,
00:10:12
Speaker
sacred relationship wounds into your own relationship patterns into really dissecting and. Healing the unmet childhood needs that you. Have then you're gonna keep those relationship patterns on folding time and time again you'll meet the same person in a different body every time the same wounds will be triggered within you.
00:10:31
Speaker
So it really comes down to taking responsibility for yourself. So let's explore what this can look like. So I have questions that I want to ask you, but I really want you to consider right now. Are you feeling happy with where you are in your relationship? Are you feeling like maybe there's something missing or.
00:10:47
Speaker
There's just more that you desire. Get really honest with yourself. You have to be radically honest with yourself about where you are, about what the current status of your relationship is, and what you desire. And so many people are not owning their desires because they're fearful and they don't believe that they can actually have that desire. And I'll share an example with you. I had a client who was in her 40s. She had a child.
00:11:13
Speaker
She was in this relationship with this man for a few years, not the father of her child, and she had this desire for a while to have another child. She really wanted to have this second child, though she wasn't sure whether she should end the relationship. She'd been in this limbo phase for a couple of years. She had this desire, but then she was like, can I really have this?
00:11:34
Speaker
I have a great relationship with him. There are so many amazing aspects to it, but he doesn't want a child and I do. If you want a child and he doesn't, then is it not quite simple though? She was not really owning that desire because she was fearful that I'm in my forties now. Am I going to be able to have another baby? Am I going to be able to meet someone? Have I left it too late? Is it really possible for me? And I want you to get curious around yourself, around what perhaps limiting narratives or
00:12:01
Speaker
limiting beliefs that you have arising that may be stopping you from really owning your desires which could in some ways be holding you into locking you into the current relationship that you're in if it maybe no longer feels aligned again i am not telling you after listening to this to go and leave your partner that is absolutely not what i am advising
00:12:21
Speaker
you to do by any means. And if you are in this place where you feel like there's more in your relationship, but you just don't know how to get there, then I highly recommend working with a coach or a mentor seeking some support in this area because it is very complex. And it's probably one of the best
Health Impact of Relationships
00:12:39
Speaker
investments that you can make. I love to work with women. So if you are curious, you can reach out to me I have a really great elevate your love
00:12:47
Speaker
mini offer that you can dive into to explore to get some support in this area without a really long-term investment. It's a great way to dip in. So I'll put it in the show notes so you can reach out to me if you have questions. But let's talk about how are you? How are you doing? Really? I really want you to ask yourself, how am I? And I want you to ask yourself, how is my health?
00:13:12
Speaker
How is my body? How am I feeling mentally? How am I feeling emotionally? How am I feeling energetically and spiritually? And you might be like, why are you asking me these questions, Steph? Why are you getting me to ask myself these questions when we're talking about relationships? Because everything has an impact. Everything matters here. And I really invite you to get clear, to notice
00:13:35
Speaker
symptoms coming up? Are there physical symptoms in your body? Are there signs that are arising in your body that perhaps are
00:13:43
Speaker
telling you that there is something out of alignment or there is something that's a little bit off. Again, that's not necessarily a sign for you to walk away from a relationship by any means, but there are always signs that we can see in hindsight when we reflect back. So I invite you to get really honest with yourself to see, are there any little mini symptoms that are arising or nudges that your body
00:14:07
Speaker
is trying to show you to give you information about what direction to take. The other thing that's really important to know is that your relationship is really impacting every area of your life. So your health, your sleep, your energy, your stress levels, it can impact your overall wellness, it impacts how much money that you are going to make, your success, it really is impacting
Interdependence in Relationships
00:14:29
Speaker
everything. The person that you are sleeping in a bed next to
00:14:32
Speaker
if you live together for eight hours, nine hours a night, you are attuning to their nervous system and their nervous system is attuning to yours. Are you happy with the way that they are? And I don't mean go start nitpicking them, that's not what I'm saying at all, but are they sleeping well? Are they nourishing their body? Are they working out and moving their body? Are they managing their stress levels? Is their nervous system regulated? Do they have the tools to process their emotions and to regulate themself when stressful,
00:15:01
Speaker
Situations or experiences occur the answers to those questions you need to take seriously because that's going to impact you in the state of your nervous system and the state of your nervous system really impacts everything if your partner is living in this chronic freeze response or in this sympathetic fight or flight response.
00:15:18
Speaker
You can't compartmentalize that and be like, that's their issue. They need to work on that for sure. They need to have the self-regulation tools. That is impacting you and that is impacting the way that you show up, the way that you feel your overall health. So it's really important to have awareness around this and acknowledge this because you can't separate it. And these are really important decisions. The person that you're spending your life with,
00:15:41
Speaker
has such an impact and it's a really frickin big decision I think this is why people become paralyzed and don't take action one way or another and sometimes action can look like leaving a relationship sometimes action can look like going through a massive death and rebirth portal in your relationship sometimes it looks like changing something about the relationship so enrolling your partner
00:16:02
Speaker
to work on the relationship with you. And perhaps there is some action that you want to take as a couple. Maybe it's having a little bit more separation. Maybe that means you start to move to have separate rooms. Maybe you sleep in separate beds. Maybe you create your own caves where you can have your own time to retreat and be
00:16:20
Speaker
alone which i think is super super important so it doesn't always mean walking away it means looking at where you're at and making a plan for where you want to go so we're going to talk about the three phases of a relationship this is really in reference to when somebody is in that position where they are questioning when they're then trying to make a decision one way or another and then when they're actually making the decision and then we're going to go into
00:16:45
Speaker
the questions I have for you to really ask yourself. So these three phases of a relationship, there's the questioning phase, there's the limbo phase, and then there's that decisive action phase. The questioning phase I think is actually a good phase to be in. I think it is healthy to question
00:17:05
Speaker
Whether you're happy, whether your desires are being met, whether this person, you're really choosing this person, whether you truly are in love with this person, questioning and discerning if this is still in alignment. And I think this is something that a lot of people don't do. They feel like I chose this person, I made this decision, therefore there's no more questioning.
00:17:26
Speaker
with this person, nothing's going to change. So we're just going to be together forever. And that's it. I think that's a big mistake that people make. And I think questioning is good, especially when that is coupled with having these kind of conversations with your partner, you should be able to have conversations about anything and everything. With that said, a lot of people don't have the effects of communication skills to open up these kind of deep conversations that they're really desiring. And there are many different types of dialogue that you can learn
00:17:55
Speaker
communication skills that you can learn to be able to facilitate these kind of conversations that become second nature to the way that you communicate with your partner. I used to be such a bad communicator. I honestly used to be really
00:18:06
Speaker
poor at communicating. I wasn't able to figure out how I was feeling. I certainly wasn't able to communicate that. I was a big fan of a sign and treatment in past relationships. I had more avoidant tendencies. So I would really have to go inward and run away and figure out how I was feeling for a few days before I was able to vocalize that in with a struggle to my partner. And I invested very heavily in my own communication skills. And I
00:18:32
Speaker
a pretty excellent communicator now. It's really something that I pride myself on. I can own my shit. I make mistakes, but I'm always going to own up to it. I can take constructive feedback really well in every setting. And the communication skills that I've learned have really helped me excel in every area of life, not just in relationships. It's really powerful for business, for work, for friendships, for all different types of scenarios. Communication is such an important skill. So I highly encourage you to get curious and start to invest and learn.
00:19:01
Speaker
about different types of communication. So the questioning phase is awful and healthy. And if you are questioning, is this the right relationship for me? Do I want to be with this person? I don't think that's necessarily a sign that the relationship isn't for you.
Questioning Relationship Alignment
00:19:15
Speaker
I remember I've posted something on TikTok before and I had people commenting, if you're questioning, then that is a sign you shouldn't even be questioning in the right relationship. And I personally don't agree with that. I think there's different levels of questioning. There's questioning,
00:19:28
Speaker
to a really, do I want to stay? Do I want to go? But just asking the question of, do I really choose this person? And you're like, yes, I really do. I think that is healthy. So again, discerning between the levels of questioning is what is important here. After the questioning phase, if you are feeling this intuition of something's not right, I want something to change, then you go into the limbo phase. And the limbo phase can be very tricky. And I actually think the limbo phase is the hardest phase to be in.
00:19:58
Speaker
So this can be anywhere from a few weeks, usually it's a few months up to a couple of years where somebody is living in this limbo phase. And this is where you intuitively know something needs to change. Again, this doesn't necessarily mean that you leave and you walk away, that something is not aligned, something is not right. You're not happy with something. Maybe there is resentment here that you know you need to work on, but you're in this limbo phase and you're not really sure what the right action is to take. You're not really sure.
00:20:28
Speaker
how to approach it. And there's a lot of fear in this phase. There's fear of the unknown. You're usually feeling quite scared about the potential outcome, about potentially losing this person. And the limbo phase can be quite paralyzing for people. And a lot of people can stay stuck here for quite a while. I don't think you need to be in the limbo phase for years if you have the right skills
00:20:50
Speaker
tools, support, emotional regulation, and connection with your body. You can actually make the limo phase a little bit faster to move through it more efficiently and easily than being stuck in this phase because you're not moving forwards or backwards in this phase. So it's not a very productive phase to be in. You want to move through this quickly. And then the third phase is decisive action.
00:21:12
Speaker
So in some cases, this is where you've made the decision, I am going to leave this relationship. And when you've been in the questioning of the limbo phase, by this point, if you're leaving, I really would encourage you that you have done all of the work on yourself. And when I say all, I don't mean there's an end point and a certain goal you have to get to, but if you've been in this long-term relationship and you have done everything that you can to take responsibility for your part, the part you've been playing, even if it's your
00:21:40
Speaker
needs have not been met. How have you allowed that dynamic to play out? Because there's always two parts to every relationship. There's two people who are involved takes two to tango. And there's always a part that you're playing even if you feel like you're being the victim. Maybe you have
00:21:56
Speaker
put this other person in a position of power and then you hate the feeling of it, but actually something that you've perpetuated.
Decision Making in Relationships
00:22:03
Speaker
So decisive action, in some cases that is leaving the relationship. This phase is typically very liberating for people. By this phase, you're like, I've made a decision. I am feeling really good. You can be on a little bit of a high. So in the terms of a relationship ending, this is where you get to wipe the state clean. This is where you get to start fresh.
00:22:23
Speaker
this is where you are typically like getting excited about what can be. You feel like you're pulling all of the parts of yourself back in and you can start to feel actually a lot more energized, a lot lighter, a lot more vibrant because you've got all of these resources just for yourself and typically this is where people can start to have that glow up face. There's often a high before you get into the deep grief and
00:22:46
Speaker
the healing that really takes place. So I really invite you to question with your relationship, where do you feel like you're at? You might be listening to this being like, I actually feel really happy and secure with my relationship, in which case that's awesome. And that tells me that you have been doing the work individually and there's a couple and celebrating you if that is where you're at.
00:23:08
Speaker
So let's start to dive into some questions that you may have around relationships. Do you have any desires that aren't being met? So going back to the example of a client earlier, her desire to have another child, what desires do you have? And I invite you to take your journal out and get clear separating yourself from the relationship for this purpose of this exercise. Get clear on the desires that you have for your health,
00:23:33
Speaker
for your wealth, for your personal life, for your social life, hobbies, travel, work, money, what desires do you have in these areas? And then looking from the desires that you have, are any of these fixed? Which desires are completely non-negotiable? So examples of non-negotiable desires would be, you wanna get married, you wanna have children, perhaps you live in a foreign country and you wanna move home,
00:24:00
Speaker
within the next two to three years the moving one is a little bit more flexible but typically there's work that can be done sometimes let's use me as an example if i'm living in canada if i had the desire which i definitely don't if i had this desire i want to move to england
00:24:16
Speaker
back to england in the next three years to have children in england and that was non-negotiable for me i would going into a new relationship be pretty upfront about that but i was already in a relationship then we would have to have some conversations out because if my partner were canadian
00:24:32
Speaker
and he was non-negotiable in the fact that I am staying here and was not going to budge on that and I wanted to move back. Obviously you want to work on that but if it's completely non-negotiable because you want to both be by your families, then you need to really go deep into this and get support about how you can navigate this and be really honest. If that's fixed for both of you, neither one is going to budge, then really it can be challenging to see a future forward because
00:24:55
Speaker
There's no compromising on living in a different country. So those are some examples. There might be other things that you have around religion. Perhaps you identify and practice a certain religion and your partner doesn't. These are things that you can't change about another person and you shouldn't. So if your partner is a practicing
00:25:13
Speaker
Christian or Muslim you should not try to change that about them because that is completely unfair and you should never ever do that but if they want to have children and raise them under a certain religion and you're like hell no then there's not really any middle ground or compromising with that example because you can't
00:25:32
Speaker
mold yourself into something that you're not and you shouldn't ever expect your partner to do that as well. So this is the first signal for you and to get really clear with where the relationship is. If you have desires that your partner absolutely cannot meet, then is that not enough of a reason for you to walk away from the relationship? You get to decide on this one. If you really want to have kids and he doesn't,
00:25:56
Speaker
I really invite you to own your fucking desires and be bold in your desires because you're worthy of them and you deserve them and you don't have to compromise on them because looking back in 10, 20, 30 years, are you going to have regrets? Probably if you didn't really own who you are and own your desires and follow through on them.
00:26:14
Speaker
Get really curious about the desires and see what fears are arising of them. Am I too old? I don't have enough money. It's too late to meet another person. I don't want to start over. It's too late to be starting over. There's no good men. This relationship is good enough. Get curious about this. And something I want to touch on is your relationship doesn't have to be bad for you to leave.
00:26:38
Speaker
I see this a lot and I've experienced this myself. I see a lot of women who are very deep into a spiritual journey, into a personal development and personal growth evolution. And when this happens, women can grow at a really fast rate. So can men, but I'm using women as an example here because that's typically
00:26:57
Speaker
who i'm working with. Women can grow really rapidly and sometimes you evolve and you change so much that you completely outgrow your partner and if you are inviting your partner in to do the work with you and it's a no then
00:27:11
Speaker
are you going to say in that context? I have a lot of clients I've worked with who on paper, they love everything about their partner. They've had an amazing relationship. They've been together for years, five or 10 years, and there's nothing wrong with the relationship in terms of they're a good partner. There's no betrayal. They're very supportive. They're very loving, but they just feel like
00:27:32
Speaker
they're no longer aligned with them. That is enough of a reason in itself to walk away from a relationship. If you have grown into a different person, a different version of yourself that feels more true to you, more authentic, and that person isn't able to meet you there in that growth, then that in itself is enough of a reason.
00:27:52
Speaker
Another question that I really want you to get curious is, do you like the version of yourself that you are around this person? And again, I'm really speaking to you all who I know are doing the work. You are desiring to grow and to evolve and to step into that most authentic self-expressed version of you, the true you, the real you.
00:28:12
Speaker
When you go on that journey relationships are going to need to evolve and sometimes fall away so do you like the version of you that you're being and are you able to really continue to grow whilst in this dynamic in this relationship because what can happen is if you're growing and you're evolving and the other person isn't.
00:28:31
Speaker
then you're gonna reach this ceiling of growth where you can no longer grow anymore without completely outgrowing the person that you're with and you have to get curious and clear with yourself is where is that endpoint because you might feel like I've grown enough and I'm happy.
00:28:49
Speaker
but if you have this desire to continue to grow and to evolve, then know that your growth is gonna be limited as to where you can take it unless the other person is growing with you. And I'm just gonna say as well that oftentimes with men, it takes a little bit of time for them to come up to speed or to get enrolled in the idea of growing or going on that same journey or a similar journey. They don't have to be completely into what you're into by any means. They don't have to like the same things. They just have to,
00:29:18
Speaker
witness your growth and respect your growth and respect the journey that you're on and hopefully at least be open to some of the things that you're doing, like if you try to invite them into it, have a curiosity about that versus being super close. If someone has a closed mindset and is a complete closed book, it's quite hard to work with that kind of person and to help them or invite them into the growth with you. Question for you, what are your values and what are most important to you?
00:29:47
Speaker
What are your values and what is most important to you? And this is really good to be continually assessing this. And really here, I think women who are entering new relationships, and I can speak for myself here as a woman, a single woman, who's now 32, it's my birthday the other day. I'm genuinely excited to get into a relationship again, because it's going to be so fucking different from the previous relationships.
00:30:12
Speaker
I'm in my 30s I have done a lot of work on myself I know exactly who I am I know what I desire I know I'm worthy of it I'm not willing to settle in any area of life and especially not in love I really know that the type of intimate beautiful sacred love that I'm desiring exists out there but I haven't personally experienced it to the depth that I believe that I will
00:30:36
Speaker
And I know that I know what my wounds are. I know what my patterns are. And I'm going to be meeting another person and going into relationship, opening it in a really conscious way, in a really healthy way. It doesn't mean that challenges won't arise. It doesn't mean I'm not going to be triggered. In fact, I probably will.
00:30:53
Speaker
A lot because of the depth of relationship I'm desiring. It's going to be a fucking mirror. It's going to be challenging. And I'm aware of that. And I'm also excited. I think where it can be complex for people is when they've been together for three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10 years. It can feel challenging. How do I navigate the relationship at this point? How can I transform the relationship that I have now? You absolutely can. It's not too late.
00:31:18
Speaker
And sometimes what is required is a complete death and rebirth of a relationship. As you have evolved and you have become a new person, it can be really powerful to consciously allow the previous iteration of your relationship to crumble and to die and to wipe the state clean and to clear any wounds and to completely clear and heal any resentment.
00:31:42
Speaker
so that you can completely start the relationship from a fresh point, entering as if you were entering this relationship for the first time. This is super powerful. I think not enough people have awareness around this and are doing this in their relationship that sometimes that means having a bit of a separation. Sometimes that means taking time apart for you to go on your own individual journeys.
00:32:06
Speaker
Sometimes that is breaking up or separating for
Resetting Relationship Dynamics
00:32:09
Speaker
a period of time. Sometimes that's just having some physical distance and space and having a crate in a conscious individual container for you each and then to come back together. There are so many different ways that you can do it, but I highly encourage you to question.
00:32:21
Speaker
Maybe this is going to be the right thing for you and your relationships that you can come back together and start the process again. Start dating each other again as this new version of you start creating these commitments for each other, create a new couple bubble around the relationship container that you're desiring. Get really clear again on your values, on your vision, on your shared goals and desires, on what you're working towards for the next two, three, five, 10 years. Super powerful. And this is the work that really excites me.
00:32:48
Speaker
to support women in taking into their relationship because it's really fucking powerful and game-changing and you deserve the epic ecstatic incredible love that you can absolutely create in your life and you can change anything about your relationship I really want you to know that that don't feel disheartened
00:33:06
Speaker
because the relationship isn't where you want it to be, you can absolutely change and transform anything about yourself and your relationship. You can't change anything about the other person, but you can invite them into the growth with you, and you can work together to transform the relationship to where you both want it to desire. So a few questions to ask yourself, and I ask these questions as I'm coaching people. And don't let the mind hop in here, really question.
00:33:34
Speaker
Do you really want to be in this relationship? Really sit with that. And I invite you to write this down in your journal and to free write after listening to this, writing out, do you really want to be in this relationship? See what arises. Feel into your body. Notice what you feel as you ask yourself this question. Are you fully showing up?
00:33:56
Speaker
in this relationship, are you fully showing up or have you half checked out? Because if you've half checked out already, the relationship is over. I'm just going to be honest with you. If one or both of you is checked out, there's no more relationship because you're no longer working towards the couple bubble unit. One of you has already left the bubble. Are there parts of you that are resisting this relationship?
00:34:19
Speaker
Are there parts of you that are resisting this relationship? And sometimes this is a part of you that is really scared to be really seen, to open up more fully, to receive the love of your partner. Perhaps there are parts of your partner that you're resisting. Get curious with yourself. Are there parts of you that are resisting this relationship? What are your commitments to each other?
00:34:42
Speaker
what commitments do you have to each other and now this is something that you may think you have commitments when you enter into a marriage you are making vows to each other whether you believe in the concept of marriage whether you're married or not i think it's really important to have commitments to each other that you make to each other and that you continually share and embody to one another
00:35:04
Speaker
Do you feel that you can trust your partner? And I think there are a couple of different aspects to this version of trust. There is trust of, do you trust them with your life? And then there's, do you trust their decisions? Do you trust their ability to protect you, to support you, to drive the relationship forward? Or are you trying to control, to nitpick, are you emasculating your man?
00:35:32
Speaker
Do you trust your partner? How much do you trust your partner? In what areas are you not fully in trust of your partner? And then lastly, do you feel safe with your partner? Do you feel safe? And again, I think there are a couple of different elements to this. There's the physical safety. Do you feel safe when you're walking down the street at night with them? Do you feel safe in the car with them?
00:35:53
Speaker
And then there's the emotional safety, there's the inner safety. Do you feel safe to be seen fully by them? Do you feel safe to be in your sexiness with them? Do you feel safe to be so vulnerable? Do you feel safe to share your fears, your loves, your desires with them?
00:36:08
Speaker
Get really curious on that question. Grab your journal, dive into these questions and allow yourself to be super, super honest with yourself. This is such a complex topic. Relationships are not always easy. There are going to be challenges. There are going to be things that arise.
00:36:27
Speaker
Don't make up stories. Don't make meaning of things where meaning is not necessary. And just commit to yourself that you're going to take full responsibility for the part that you are playing in your relationship. You are going to do everything that you can to dive into your relationship wounds and your relationship patterns. And I think that
00:36:45
Speaker
Oftentimes, this can almost be forgotten about once we are in the relationship. People who are single, who are dating and ready to call in and attract and create love with an incredible new partner are often the ones who are committing most to the work. And then people become a little bit complacent once the relationship starts.
00:37:04
Speaker
And if you've been in a relationship for years and you are feeling complacent, then it's time to change that. This is such an important area of life. Whether you are going to really excel in your life and go to new heights is dependent on how your relationship is. A relationship has the possibility to help you propel to new levels of happiness, of success, and thriving in your life. And it also has the ability to completely hinder that.
00:37:29
Speaker
So choose carefully and know that every day you are choosing what you are not changing. So be aware of that. Allow yourself to dream, to get clear on your desires.
00:37:41
Speaker
to go after what you want and know that if it gets to a point where you realize that the relationship that you're currently in is no longer in alignment, you've done everything that you can to invite your partner into that growth, they are not willing to do the work with you, they're not aligned in the vision that you have, that you are
00:37:59
Speaker
Desiring in this life then you will be okay. I know it's hard. I know it's challenging It's not something we ever choose. It's not something we want to consciously choose and repeat but sometimes it's necessary and know that if that is where you're at then Something better is on the way and your relationship doesn't have to be broken. It doesn't have to be in this
00:38:21
Speaker
destructive place for you to want to walk away.
Creating Epic Love
00:38:26
Speaker
And it can be the fucking hardest thing to do is to walk away from a really good relationship, knowing that you want something fucking great and epic and incredible. And you believe that is out there and it absolutely is. So I am excited for you to really dive deep into this area, to become a student of your relationship and to craft the incredible love that you're desiring. You deserve that.
00:38:50
Speaker
And I'm excited to see how this unfolds for you. I would love to hear what you've loved about this episode and know that this is what I love to do. Relationships are my jam guiding women into developing these relational skills, these communication skills.
00:39:05
Speaker
healing their sacred wounds and creating an epic love that they're desiring is what really lights me up. So if you are listening to this and you're like, oh my gosh, this is overwhelming. I don't know where to begin. I'm desiring support. Then the best place to dive in is to dive into my elevate your love offer. And this is a mini offer where we're going to do a one-to-one call. I'm going to create an integration and action plan with guided practices for you to take home to your relationship.
00:39:29
Speaker
and really get clear on your desires and where you wanna go and any roadblocks that may be standing in your way. We're gonna shift them, we're gonna clear them and create that epic love that you're desiring. So this is such a fun way for you to get into my world. I'll put all the details below. If you wanna explore further, then we can dive into explore longer term, one-to-one packages and yeah, create some shifts in your love life, which you can absolutely do. So I'm hoping that you feel inspired by this episode.
00:39:59
Speaker
Would love for you to leave a review at a rating if you have not already. Five-star rating if you feel that is appropriate on Spotify and leave a review on Apple Podcasts. I would love for you to then send me an email and I will send you a little gift once you send me your screenshot of the review that you have left. I thank you so much. Thanks for being here. Thanks for listening. Send me a DM with what you've loved and I will see you in the next episode.