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00:00:01
From Blame to Lessons: A Mindset Shift
52 Plays5 months ago
In this episode of Wandering the Wild Mess, we explore the emotional toll of holding on to blame, anger, and victimhood—and how these patterns can keep us stuck in the past. I share my personal journey of letting go, embracing accountability, and choosing growth over resentment. We’ll talk about the challenges of being labeled the “villain” when you set boundaries, the importance of releasing emotional baggage, and the freedom that comes from taking responsibility for your happiness.
If you’ve ever struggled with bitterness, played the victim, or felt trapped by your circumstances, this episode is for you. Together, we’ll discuss how to reframe your mindset, focus on what you can control, and create space for new opportunities and growth. Let’s make 2025 the year we stop blaming and start thriving!
Tune in for inspiration, actionable advice, and a fresh perspective on taking charge of your emotional well-being.
Alexa play "Villain" by Lily Rose
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- Website: www.wanderingthewildmess.com
- YouTube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/@utahgirlinnash
- Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/heatherdyann
- TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@utahgirlinnash
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Transcript
Introduction to Personal Growth
00:00:00
Heather Morgan
What do you actually gain from blaming someone else? Sure, blame satisfies in the moment, but it deflects and leaves us where we've always been. And you deserve to let go and grow. Welcome to Wandering the Wild Mess with Heather Morgan. I am so happy that you're here.
00:00:29
Heather Morgan
Welcome. We're coming into a new year and I want us to let go of all of the things that have been holding us back. And one of the biggest things oftentimes is the blame we place on everyone else about our lives, everyone else, every external thing.
Overcoming Victim Mentality
00:00:52
Heather Morgan
And I really want us to come into this new year challenging this victim mentality. And I know that topic sounds maybe taboo. People are like, oh, victim mentality. And I don't mean it in a negative way, but I think it's just easier to put blame on our situations to all of the outside things and noise than to address the root of the issues.
00:01:26
Heather Morgan
which can only be fixed by ourselves. And I know we can't change everything. There's things out of our control. But as I've preached here, a lot of times what's in our control is how we think about them.
00:01:44
Heather Morgan
And so I want to get into it with you a little bit more of why I even feel so called to speak on this is because through my divorce, you know, I've given my ex-husband so much grace and I've acknowledged that I was not perfect. And although that will still be things I'm working through in that regard, it's been such an eye opening experience to really look at that.
00:02:11
Heather Morgan
and not place blame on him for things that occurred. I'm at a point where I do not blame him for anything.
00:02:25
Heather Morgan
Nothing. Are there scenarios and situations that happened that I wish didn't occur that affected my life greatly to this day? Yes.
00:02:38
Heather Morgan
I'm probably one of the hardest things that's ever happened in my life.
00:02:43
Heather Morgan
He was part of that for me, and I'm definitely not in any kind of place to speak on that one, if I ever will be able to, but, uh, that I let go
Mindset and Negativity
00:02:59
Heather Morgan
of that blame. That was the one thing that I was holding onto and it was so freeing to let it go.
00:03:07
Heather Morgan
And because of that, and because of the understanding I have now with how freeing it is to just take that weight off, I want to help you also find how you challenge that victim mentality, how we can stop blaming our quote unquote problems on everything outside of us.
00:03:30
Heather Morgan
And I'm like a firm believer that it's not bad things don't happen, it's lessons. So everything's just a lesson. What do I need to learn here? And that would really be like the first take I would share with you for coming into this new year because a lot of times There's things going on in our life and we want certain things and we're upset about this or that. But if we we stop and like start asking ourselves the questions of like, does this really matter? Does this thought serve me? Is this really that important? Why am I hyper focused focused on this thing?
00:04:14
Heather Morgan
What is it? Because all of our thoughts and our emotions and our anger and those things, they're all they trickle down to triggers in our life and it's usually not even about the thing that we think. And I talk about this a lot of how very important our thoughts and our words are.
00:04:37
Heather Morgan
And when we say things like everything always goes wrong and i this happened, it just doesn't serve you at all. And so I would love for you to be thoughtful coming into this new year of like when you're beating he yourself up, saying, no, this won't work out for me, doing those things. Ask yourself, does this serve me? What does this do for me?
00:05:07
Heather Morgan
And if it's not giving you anything that makes you happy or betters your life, then do you really need to do it? And I'll put it in just even like terms of like ROI, like what's your in return on investment for you to complain about things?
00:05:26
Heather Morgan
I definitely know you need to feel your emotions, but it's almost as if it doesn't need to be this whole charade where I now meet people or when I interact with people and it's very hard once you become aware of how draining that energy is for people to just be very negative minded and complaining all the time. And when you witness it, you're like, what, it what are they getting from this? Like, how was this?
00:05:58
Heather Morgan
helping them. And I get it venting to your friend about a hard thing for one minute or so fine. But if your days continually are just everything's going wrong, we've all had someone like that in our life, whether it's a friend, family, even could be your partner. And you're just like,
00:06:17
Heather Morgan
Dude, I don't even really want to like hang out with you or talk to you because like you apparently like you're miserable all the time. And I'm not saying don't give people grace in hard times, but at the end of the day, no one wants to be with that person. It's just it's a draining
00:06:36
Heather Morgan
experience. You can't have a good time because they're like sad or complaining or mad about stuff. And you don't know what to say because oftentimes they don't want to hear it because they're just so in their own. And so it's just such a isolating thing to do to yourself. So I've tried to think of every possible scenario of how it could be helpful. And outside of the venting piece,
00:07:05
Heather Morgan
I don't see any other value. I think venting sometimes is helpful in the moment, but I would prefer for me now, I try to journal. I think I can vent one time, but I've got to like let it be and I can't just hone on it. Like because it doesn't help anything.
00:07:24
Heather Morgan
And I think about it even in business because, you know, my background in corporate America and you work with people, all different types of people, and you're on these projects and the person that comes in and was like, well, we're not going to be able to do this. This isn't going to work. Nothing's going to work. well It like makes the project so much more painful than necessary because we are assigned to do this. So I know you think it seems awful and it's never going to work and it's never going to happen, but like somehow we're going to have to explain it and figure it out. Somehow this big boss upstairs wants it done. So as long as Cliff keeps saying how it can't be done, it's going to take us a lot more time to accomplish it. And
00:08:10
Heather Morgan
Nobody wants to work with Cliff. Some people might even accidentally lead it leave him off the meeting invite because he's not really moving us forward.
Impact of Negativity on Relationships
00:08:20
Heather Morgan
And that's how I start seeing or I started to see myself when I was complaining or when people are continuously complaining about the things in their life.
00:08:34
Heather Morgan
you're not solving problems. And at that point, most of the people that will stick around for someone who's complaining and blaming and miserable like that is other miserable people. So then you only have a circle of miserable people to have to lean on in your life because people that are just focused on the solution and moving forward get very drained by people who cannot see how to get themself out of that victim mentality.
00:09:04
Heather Morgan
And so they usually will pull back and and move away from those people, only further isolating that person and then leaving that person, that victim in a mentality person in a place of like even more upset and anger. And I don't want that to happen for you or for anyone. And so I really want you to challenge yourself to think about when your problem arises and your first thought is to blame someone else or deflect any kind of like, okay, how do I like stop this from happening again?
00:09:52
Heather Morgan
That will really give you a lot of perspective and peace in your life.
00:09:59
Heather Morgan
And I really wish that upon. And I, like I said, it's coming up on two years since I've spoken with my ex-husband. And I hope so much that he has let go of the blame that he has for me, not for me, but for him.
00:10:18
Heather Morgan
Because I think a lot of us in our lives probably have a person, whether it's like a friendship breakup or an ex or maybe even a family, like family members where we're still just beating our head against the wall. Like why did they do that to me? Why, why, why, why don't they care? Why don't, and it's like,
00:10:43
Heather Morgan
Gosh, you're missing out on a lot of joyful moments, thinking about something you can't change and you will never understand. Because the hard reality is that no one really owes you the truth.
00:10:57
Heather Morgan
people can walk away and leave whenever they want. And I've said this before, if you listen, and I know it's sad to say, and it's like a reality that we don't want to think we got Disney movies and fairy tales and like, what is love supposed to look like? And I'm not saying it can't, but we have to understand that sometimes it won't. Sometimes it won't be what we thought it would be.
00:11:24
Heather Morgan
And we have to get to a point of acceptance with that because that will free us to find all of the best things in life. But when we're honing on why this and why that about things we will never know, we're not growing, we're not moving forward.
Productivity and Acceptance
00:11:43
Heather Morgan
I think about this analogy of like someone driving down the, you're driving down the freeway and you get a flat tire and it's storming out. And you're like, really? Like I'm already late. I'm in the middle of a snowstorm and now I've got to change a flat tire. And instead of just like getting out of your car and getting the stuff to change the tire, all you do is just sit there and complain.
00:12:11
Heather Morgan
Now I'm going to have to buy a new tire. Oh my gosh. This is supposed to last longer. I can't believe it. I'm going to be a more like that. Like the tire still isn't going to change itself. The situation st still is what it is. And you're just making it harder. I'm just making it harder for yourself because now you're even more late. Now you're probably not changing it that well because let's be real. I don't.
00:12:40
Heather Morgan
know how to change a tire, but I would figure it out, but it would be much harder to figure it out if I was complaining the whole time. I mean, I'm sure I can, I've watched it enough. Anyways, that's not the point. The point is. Would you do that? If you're, do if you're that person doing that, if you're, if you know, like that would be me, I would be like bitching and moaning the whole time. Oops. Complaining and moaning the whole time. Then.
00:13:05
Heather Morgan
You might really need to listen in on this. You might need to figure out why things are making you so mad in life. Like you can get mad for like a moment, but you got to learn to like, let it be what it is. Breathe and move on. Cause I think a lot of us spend a lot of time getting pissed off about things not being exactly what we thought they should be and not realizing we just have to roll with what is.
00:13:34
Heather Morgan
That's been my mission to help you get there, but you are not the victim. We all just have different circumstances. If you want to play the role of the victim, if that's serving you for some reason, then it's good to look within and go, why? What am I missing in my life that makes me feel like this role is the one I need to play?
00:14:00
Heather Morgan
Poor me because I didn't have this, because I didn't have that. It's just something, some part of our identity we want to hold on to. That's the person we want to be. And no judgment here if that makes you happy. I do have people that don't want to let go of the anger that they have for certain people in their life. And sometimes that seems like impossible for them, but I don't believe that it is.
00:14:31
Heather Morgan
I believe it's a choice. I think sometimes like anything in life, we don't change things because we're comfortable with them. So part of our identity and what we're comfortable with is saying, I like identifying with being really upset at my acts for the rest of my life.
00:14:49
Heather Morgan
And as the person on my side that has let go and has no anger or animosity, I have to be all right with being the villain in someone's story. And I'm sure that I am. And I'm okay with that. And I think about the Lily Rose song villain. And it's like, there's a line that says what they don't know is that I tried to make us work, but I couldn't save us, which that happens.
00:15:18
Heather Morgan
You can be the hero. I can take the fall if that's how your story goes. Say it's all my fault. Whatever helps you sleep at night. Yeah, you can make me the bad guy. And I think in life sometimes for people that want to hold on to anger and blame, you will be the victim.
00:15:42
Heather Morgan
I heard the villain. Sorry, you will be the villain. And that's hard for me because I'm like, I'm not a villain. But like, in my reality, I'm not, but in someone else's, maybe I am. And if you're on that side of the coin with me where you're like, I'm not really playing the victim,
Embracing Growth and Positivity
00:16:02
Heather Morgan
but I'm letting go of things and I'm choosing myself. And that has created people to see me as a villain or to see me less loving and caring as they expected me to be. And that's another hard side of the coin. Because oftentimes people with a victim mentality will
00:16:29
Heather Morgan
blame you for not caring more as if you're cold. And especially if you were a people pleaser like me, where you grew up like considering other people's feelings before yourself for so long. And now you've finally been like, is this serving me?
00:16:49
Heather Morgan
Because the same way that I think about not being a victim because it doesn't serve me is the same way that I think of people pleasing in ways that don't serve me. I don't anymore. I still am loving and caring and want to be a good person and a good friend and a good partner, but not at the expense of my own self.
00:17:16
Heather Morgan
And when you're comfortable and leaning into that, you realize that some people are not going to be comfortable with that and your boundaries. And they're going to play the victim and say, you didn't care and you didn't do that. And you should have done this. And that kind of hurts because you're like, gosh, they're really making me out to a villain. But the end of the day, like, you know who you are.
00:17:45
Heather Morgan
And if you know that you did what was best for you without intentionally trying to harm them, then you just have to be okay with it. You just have to be okay.
00:18:03
Heather Morgan
And that's been a big lesson for me is, you know, there's two sides of this coin. Like I've said, it's either you're dealing with someone with the victim mentality that, you know, everything happens to them against them. You're doing them wrong. It's, you know, whatever you choose when you're choosing yourself, that means you're not choosing them. It just becomes this whole very like orchestrated, hard, difficult relationship to keep.
00:18:32
Heather Morgan
because you can never do it right. And if I'm completely honest, because I'm preaching here like, oh, you know, and I'm not holier than thou, like, I remember in my marriage, there were times where I was definitely playing the victim, like, oh, if he would just, you know, this and that, and it's like, why was I doing that?
00:18:53
Heather Morgan
Why was I wasting energy on that?
00:18:59
Heather Morgan
And I know I wasn't, I probably gave myself a little grace because I was like, Oh, not as bad as everyone else, but it's like Heather's stop comparing herself. Like you still were doing it. It still wasn't helpful.
00:19:13
Heather Morgan
You know, and that was one of the first things I took away when I just decided to walk away is that I just cannot blame him. And I remember a lot of my friends being like, well, yeah, but like, it is his fault. Like you can't be like he did this and he did that. And he and I was like, I'm not the victim now. There's not a victim.
00:19:37
Heather Morgan
unless we decide there is. If I want to think that way, if he wants to think that way, but at the end of the day, no one, it's just the circumstances.
00:19:46
Heather Morgan
Things happened, but I refuse to think of myself as a victim of my circumstances. I think of myself as someone who grew immensely through really challenging times.
00:20:03
Heather Morgan
And I never would have been where I am now if I would have sat around focusing on being the victim, why it didn't go this way, why this didn't happen, why I got my heart broken in the ways that I did.
00:20:20
Heather Morgan
Don't get me wrong, I sat in that for moments of time and there was many tears. But it at some point you have to kind of pick yourself up and go, what is this doing for me? And I finally got there.
00:20:37
Heather Morgan
You know, I finally got to that place and I know that you can too. So what I want you to be able to do in this new year or in life in general, whatever point in time you're listening to this is emphasize on focusing on what you can control. There's always going to be things in our life that we could feel like is going wrong.
00:21:03
Heather Morgan
But you can just really all you can control is your actions, your perspective, and your growth. What actions do I need to take so this doesn't happen again or to move through this? Your perspective is just like this is happening for me, some lesson, somewhere down the road, it will make sense.
00:21:26
Heather Morgan
and then your growth. Like what am I taking from this? What am I learning? I cannot imagine getting out of the hardest point in my life, my divorce, and then just still being bitter.
00:21:39
Heather Morgan
And I'm not judging those of you that are there because it takes time. But do you really want to waste your time and energy being bitter about an ex?
00:21:54
Heather Morgan
forever.
00:21:56
Heather Morgan
hey I don't want that for you. I don't want that for you. Because I definitely believe that you have to completely close the door on things in your life to receive new things.
00:22:12
Heather Morgan
And so when we hold on to that frustration and that anger and we give it all that energy, it's hard for another door to open. And we don't have space for something better and new to come into our life until we've really worked at giving ourselves closure in those places. And things, you you know, still cross your mind. It was still a part of your life. I'm not saying like erase it completely, but letting go of the emotions attached to that. There's still times where I'll think about moments with my ex and be like, oh, you know, but it's it's not at a place of any thing other than what it was.
00:22:58
Heather Morgan
And I guess I'll kind of leave you with in the new year, there's probably at least a handful of things that you could be ready to not take with you. Whether that's an angry thought about someone that did you wrong, whether that's something that you've been beating yourself up over because you shouldn't have done it this way or that way and you wish you would have done it. What if everything you did was exactly what you were supposed to do?
00:23:34
Heather Morgan
What if every single action that you took up to this point was exactly what you needed to do? And now you can give yourself grace for what you did and who you are and where you've become. And then just come into the new year like, wow, I'm walking in to this new year knowing that I said and did everything I was supposed to, even if it wasn't perfect, there was lessons I'm taking from every experience that I had up to this point.
00:24:01
Heather Morgan
And so I'm just rolling into 2025. Like this is the person that I want to be. I'm not holding on to any of the things that I thought were mistakes or issues with who I was or what I was doing in 2024. Like this is new for me.
00:24:20
Heather Morgan
And you can do that at any point in time. It doesn't even have to be a new year.
00:24:24
Heather Morgan
any point in time, you can just change everything about your mindset. You can just, I do this all the time where I have a thought creep in my mind that I don't necessarily love. And I'm like, all right, I hear you. I feel it, but it's not for me. And I move on to a different thought. And I know that's easier said than done, but if you try it, if you try it,
00:24:53
Heather Morgan
you will realize. But what I will tell you, because I don't want you guys to think like, oh, she just what this whole new hilled person, she can't even understand what I'm going through, because I can in the sense that I still have moments where something comes up and I'm like, I just miss
00:25:12
Heather Morgan
being sad. I think sometimes we get it we get a little bit addicted to the sadness. I never really got addicted to the anger. And I know sometimes that's people um that's people's focus when they're in the victim mentality. I think for me, I never really felt like the victim, but I felt like there was part of me that was like low key addicted to the sadness. Like I've talked about before, Emo Cowgirl just wanted to relate to the sad songs.
00:25:41
Heather Morgan
And sometimes we have to be like, why does that serve me? I mean, there's moments in time where let it out. But for the most part, those emotions aren't as fulfilling for me. Gratitude and happiness and excitement and just the joy of life, like that's what makes me happier.
00:25:58
Heather Morgan
So I have to just switch my mindset to put me in that place. Sometimes that's just putting on an upbeat song and being like, let's go. Weirdly, the painter by Cody Johnson is like my go to because I'm always like, yeah, like she has every sunset that she ever seen memorized. And it does like I just pretended it's about me. So anyways, if you haven't heard that song, it's great. But it reminds you also that you're the painter of your life. You choose the colors and things that you want to see.
00:26:28
Heather Morgan
So if you want to paint yourself a victim, you can. That's your prerogative. But I will tell you, you're not going to get very far with a flat tire and a broken heart. It's a lot easier. Just fix the tire and say, my heart will mend and go wrong.
00:26:50
Heather Morgan
All right, I'm so excited for the new year. I'll wrap this up by just letting you know that so many exciting and great things are coming for us in 2025. everyone that's listened this year, it's still wild to me. I even started this podcast, no idea what I was doing, no real like understanding of where I wanted this to go. And I'm still learning and growing. And I'm just so thankful for every single person listening and on this journey with me. I can't wait to share so many things. And I've been saying that and I'm just
00:27:25
Heather Morgan
I looked back, I'll say it really quick, but I looked back at like some video I made when I was deciding to launch the podcast and I was like, do you think anyone will listen? I'm like one person will listen and I'm like one person. And really even to this day, like if this just makes one person feel more seen or heard or tells them something they needed to hear, if this is like resonating with you and you're like, oh my gosh,
00:27:52
Heather Morgan
I needed that. like That's all. That's good enough for me. And I just want to keep sharing my perspectives with you all because i I had to go through a lot of pain to get to where I'm at. And so can't be for nothing, right?
00:28:19
Heather Morgan
It can't be for nothing. So thank you for listening to Wandering the Wild Mess with Heather Morgan. May this be your best year yet. You matter.