Transcript
Speaker: You ever try to be kind and accidentally end up resentful instead? Or try to set a boundary and suddenly you're in a full emotional standoff? Yeah, totally. Me neither.
Speaker: But just in case, this week we're going to imagine we might have done that.
Speaker: Welcome back to Friendless Sweet Peas. I'm your host, James Evermanco, and this is episode eight of our DBT mini season, interpersonal effectiveness part two. Now, last episode, we talked about Dearman. That's the skill for when your primary goal is objective, right? You want a specific outcome.
Speaker: You want a yes or no. You just, you want something to happen, but not every conversation is about getting a yes. Sometimes your goal is to stay connected to someone, even when the conversation is uncomfortable.
Speaker: Maybe it's to maintain or repair that relationship or to make sure that the other person feels heard and and valued, even when you disagree. And sometimes your goal is self-respect, making sure you don't betray yourself just to kind of keep things smooth.
Speaker: It's about making sure that you can look at yourself afterwards and feel like you honored your own values and boundaries. Those are different goals. And so they require different skills.
Speaker: And that's what we're going to be covering today. We're looking at GIVE and FAST. More acronyms, I know. ah GIVE is for relational effectiveness. It's basically how to stay connected even during hard conversations.
Speaker: And FAST is for self-respect effectiveness. It's how to protect your dignity without apologizing for simply existing. And the real skill, the thing that takes practice, is knowing which one matters most in any given moment, and then being willing to prioritize that.
Speaker: So let's start with one of the traps that many of us fall into. I wanna start by talking about something that I have done for years without even realizing was necessarily a problem.
Speaker: It was this sort of people pleasing into a deep resentment. And as I sit here now, it feels kind of cheesy to call myself like a recovered people pleaser because I still fall into the trap all the time, but as a self-aware people pleaser, ah you know, and recognizing that cycle.
Speaker: And that alone is something that I don't know i would have been so readily able to admit even just kind of a couple of years ago, but you know, here we go, right? But the thing about recognizing that cycle is that I still fall into that same cycle all the time.
Speaker: Even after years of awareness and practice, even kind of knowing better. You know, just recently, I got kind of slammed with with plans over ah over a weekend and I just kept saying yes to stuff.
Speaker: You know, people were in town randomly, others were asking to grab lunch, grab a coffee, there was events happening sooner than I expected, you know, and all of it was happening right on the same weekend. And rather than risk disappointing anybody, I just kind of gave a blanket yes to everything. I figured, well, I'll just figure it out as I went.
Speaker: The problem was I was depleted before I even got going. So every new plan, every event, I was starting at zero. No reserves, no buffer, just running on fumes and hoping I could push through.
Speaker: And I could feel myself growing resentful and resistant, which made me first dread going and then exaggerate my desire to bail.
Speaker: You know, I don't want to do this. Why did I say yes to this? I should just cancel and that that that dread really, really building up in me and And then, you know, of course, I would inevitably show up with this like bear with a sore paw energy, you know, just like grumpy and tense and not really present.
Speaker: And now, In retrospect, you know, I don't regret going to the events or seeing the people. In fact, I ended up having a really great time throughout despite my best efforts, but that's not really the issue. What I regret is not monitoring myself and taking care of my needs at a pace that suited me.
Speaker: I wish I had said no to at least maybe one thing or said yes, but asked if we could, you know, reschedule maybe to a different day, the following week, something like that. So so I would have a little bit of breathing room.
Speaker: I wish I'd said aloud what someone else could do to help me. You know, hey, yeah I'm stretched a little thin this weekend. Could we do this another time? Or I can only do this if it's really low key. I just don't have anything, you know, I don't have energy for anything big.
Speaker: That would have been the honest, kind version. Not the blanket yes to everything and then showing a present. Not the the performance, right? Just honesty. You know, saying, I care about you.
Speaker: I want to see you. And I need to take care of myself so that I can actually show up for you. That's the balance. And I'm still learning it.
Speaker: And I think that this is the thing that a lot of us don't necessarily realize about people pleasing. It it feels like a kindness. It feels like you're being a good person, a generous, gregarious person, you know, a person who just cares about others.
Speaker: But it's not kindness. It's a performance. Kindness is honest. Kindness says, I care about you and I have limits.
Speaker: People pleasing says, I'll pretend i have no limits so that you'll like me. And the problem, the real problem below that is that people pleasing builds relationships on a lie.
Speaker: The other person thinks you're fine. They think the thing you agreed to was genuinely okay with you. And so they keep asking and you keep saying yes. And the resentment keeps building.
Speaker: And then eventually one of two things is gonna happen. Either you're gonna blow up, you know you hit a breaking point and suddenly all the pent up resentment comes out sideways. And now the other person is confused and hurt because from their perspective, everything was fine until you exploded.
Speaker: Or you ghost. You quietly withdraw, you stop responding, you avoid them because you can't keep doing the thing that they think you're happy to do. But you also can't figure out how to say that.
Speaker: So you just disappear, right? And neither of these outcomes is kind to them or to you. Or, you know, you can also do another opposite action, which is you get so tired of people pleasing that you then overcorrect, right?
Speaker: You finally try to set a boundary, but you do it really harshly or defensively or with so much accumulated resentment that it comes out like an attack. And now, yes, you've protected your self respect, but you've damaged the relationship.
Speaker: And you probably feel bad about that. So maybe you swing back to people pleasing and the cycle just continues. So how do you do both?
Speaker: How do you be kind and honest? How do you stay connected to people without abandoning yourself? Well, that's what give and fast are for. That's the balance. So give is the skill for when the relationship quality matters most.
Speaker: When you're having a hard conversation, maybe there's conflict, maybe there's feedback, maybe there's a limit that you need to set. And your primary goal is to make sure the relationship stays intact or ideally gets even stronger.
Speaker: You still need to be honest. You still need to address the fit, but you're doing it in a way that says, I care about this connection. I'm not going to hurt you. I want us to stay close even when this is uncomfortable.
Speaker: That's give. So the acronym stands for G, gentle. That means no attacks, no sarcasm, no passive aggressive jabs, no guilt trips.
Speaker: Even if you're upset, and obviously you are allowed to be upset, you still are working on keeping your tone and your words gentle. So bad gentle would be, well, I guess some people don't care about other people's time.
Speaker: Right? Whereas good gentle would be, I felt hurt when you didn't show up. Bad gentle is you're so selfish. Whereas good gentle is I'm feeling frustrated because this is the third time that this has happened.
Speaker: Gentle doesn't mean weak. Gentle doesn't mean you can't say the hard thing. Gentle just means you say them without weaponizing your words.
Speaker: I stands for interested. This is where you actually listen to the other person's perspective. You're not just sitting there waiting for your turn to speak. You're not planning your rebuttal while they're speaking. You're actually listening to them.
Speaker: You make eye contact if that's your thing or or don't if it's not, you know, whatever. You nod, you you you ask clarifying questions. You show that you care about understanding their side.
Speaker: Even if you disagree, even if you think they're wrong, you're still interested in their reality. Because the goal here is relationship. And relationships require both people feeling heard.
Speaker: V is for validate. Validation doesn't mean agreement. And this is really important. You can validate someone's feelings or perspective without agreeing with their interpretation or their behavior.
Speaker: What validation means is, I see that this makes sense from your perspective. It's saying, i get why you felt that way. That sounds really hard.
Speaker: I can see how you'd interpret it that way, even though I see it differently. Validation creates connection. It says, I'm not dismissing you.
Speaker: I'm not saying that your experience doesn't matter. And in a really hard conversation, that alone can be the difference between an escalation and a repair.
Speaker: Lastly, E is for an easy manner. So this one's all about your energy. It's about staying calm, keeping your tone soft, maybe even adding a little humor if you know that's appropriate. just It's about not being stiff or combative.
Speaker: Now, again, this doesn't mean kind of fake cheerfulness. It doesn't mean you pretend that everything is just fine. It means you're not escalating the tension with your energy.
Speaker: So you're sort of, you know, think of it like you're keeping the door open. You're saying, I'm upset, but I still want to be here with you. So that's give. Gentle, interested, validate, easy manner.
Speaker: And the reason this skill matters is because without it, hard conversations just turn into battles, right? It's win-lose scenarios. It's, you know, I'm right, you're wrong, standoffs.
Speaker: Give keeps it collaborative. It keeps it about connection instead of competition.
Speaker: Recently, I had to tell friend something that had happened that had hurt me. And my instinct was to do one of two things, either say nothing and just kind of swallow it, you know, the people pleasing instinct, or to come in way too hot and let let them know exactly how hurt I was in a way that was probably going to make them defensive, right, that kind of overcorrection.
Speaker: But neither of those options felt right. So I decided I would give, ah give, give a try. I, i made sure to really mindfully keep my my tone gentle.
Speaker: I didn't come in accusatory or sharp. I just said what happened and how it landed. And I validated that they probably didn't mean it in the way that it landed. you know I wasn't trying to paint them as the villain. i was just saying, hey, this thing hurt and I want to talk about it.
Speaker: And I made sure to stay really curious about their perspective. I asked what they were thinking when all this happened. And I made space to hear their side.
Speaker: And they apologized, not defensively, not with any excuses. They just heard me. And, you know, they said, you know, I'm sorry. Didn't realize that was what was going on.
Speaker: And we talked it through. And, you know, we got deeper into the miscommunication that was happening kind of underneath the event. And we got to understand each other a little bit better.
Speaker: And I personally feel like out of that, the relationship actually ended up getting stronger because I was able to be honest without being harsh. Did it feel vulnerable? Like, obviously.
Speaker: It felt like I was kind of exposing myself to potential rejection or dismissal, but it worked. And I think it worked specifically because I used this Give framework, because I stayed gentle, because I validated their perspective, even while I was expressing my hurt.
Speaker: the relationship stayed intact and got deeper because of it. Because now we both know that we can have these hard conversations and still come out the other side connected.
Speaker: On the other side, give doesn't mean being a doormat. It's not about prioritizing the other person's comfort over your own truth.
Speaker: You can be gentle and have boundaries. You can validate someone and disagree with them. You can be interested in their perspective and still prioritize your own needs.
Speaker: Give just means you do it without burning the relationship down. you You stay connected even when it's hard.
Speaker: Now, fast. Fast is the skill for self-respect. Fast is for when you need to make sure you don't abandon yourself just to keep things smooth. when protecting your dignity and your values is your priority.
Speaker: And to be honest, you know, this one think can be a lot harder for a lot of us, myself very much included in this, because we've been taught our entire lives that having needs is selfish, right? That setting boundaries is mean, that disappointing people is potentially the worst thing we could possibly do.
Speaker: And FAS says your self-respect matters. Your values matter and you get to honor those things even if it makes someone else uncomfortable.
Speaker: So breaking fast down, F stands for fair. Be fair to yourself and to them. Don't be a martyr.
Speaker: Don't be a jerk. Find the middle. You know, it's saying, i understand you need help. I also can't take this on right now. That's fair to both of us.
Speaker: You're not saying their needs don't matter. You're just saying yours matter too. On that note, with a slight caveat, that doesn't mean you know, don't take anything on ever.
Speaker: Fairness also entails helping if you can. um i think that this is a slippery slope of you know, people who use IMAC capacity as an excuse to not do anything ever for anyone, right? But that's all deeper.
Speaker: a This is another one of those patented ah Marshall Linehan acronyms that are a real stretch. A stands for no apologies.
Speaker: but but ah And this one as silly as it is, it also is really hard. ah You know, shout out to all my fellow Canadians out there. This one can be really hard in terms of just sort of like natural speak, right?
Speaker: But it's about apologizing for actual harm. Apologize when you genuinely hurt someone or made a mistake. But don't apologize for existing.
Speaker: Don't apologize for having needs. Don't apologize for taking up space, right? So the bad apology is, I'm so sorry, but I can't. I'm sorry. I know it's inconvenient. Sorry, right? The good apology is, I can't take that on right now.
Speaker: You're not being rude. You're just not over apologizing for the fact that you have limits.
Speaker: S is for stick to your values. So your values matter more than their approval. This is the core of self-respect. If honesty is a value, be honest, even if it's uncomfortable.
Speaker: If rest is a value, protect your rest, even if people are disappointed. If integrity is a value, do not compromise it just to avoid conflict. You get to have values and you get to live by them.
Speaker: So know what your values are so you can stick to them. Lastly, T is for truthful. Don't lie to avoid discomfort. Don't make up elaborate excuses.
Speaker: Don't exaggerate to get out of something. The truth can be kind. I don't have the energy. I don't want to.
Speaker: That doesn't work for me. Those are all complete sentences. You don't owe anyone a detailed justification for your no. So that's fast.
Speaker: Fair, no apologies, stick to values, truthful. And one of the big reasons why this skill matters is because fast sort of prevents the resentment spiral, right? It protects you from abandoning yourself.
Speaker: It makes sure that when you show up for other people, you're also showing up for yourself. When you use fast, yes, you might disappoint people. That's real. That's one of the potential costs.
Speaker: But you don't disappoint yourself. And that's the trade.
Speaker: So recently, i'm I'm trying to keep this a little loose. I don't want to get into too deep details. But someone asked me to do something that I just i just didn't want to.
Speaker: hey No real big reason, no conflict with my values, no major inconvenience. I just, I didn't want to. Now, old me would have said yes and been miserable.
Speaker: Or maybe I would have made up this like elaborate excuse to justify the no. Oh, I can't, I have this thing and then I have to do this other thing and actually I'm really busy that whole week. So unfortunately, you know, I just can't make it work. I'm so sorry. Right? You're putting on the whole performance to kind of avoid just saying I don't want to. Right?
Speaker: fast version is, I appreciate you thinking of me, but I'm going to pass. And that's it. That's the whole sentence, right? No apology, no justification, no elaborate story about why I can't, just a clear no.
Speaker: And that's what I said. And guess what? They were fine. They said, hey, no problem. Thanks for letting me know. And that was the end of it. I was fine. I didn't spend the next three days spiraling about whether I hurt their feelings or whether they think I'm a bad friend.
Speaker: And I didn't betray myself. I didn't say yes to something I didn't want to just to avoid disappointing someone. That's self-respect. Not being cruel, not being cold, just being honest.
Speaker: I don't want to is a complete sentence. And using fast reminded me that I am allowed to say it. And whether or not they were disappointed was not communicated to me. So that side of it also, without sounding cold or callous, it isn't my problem, right?
Speaker: if If they were to come to me and say, hey that hurt my feelings, then we would deal with it. But I'm not going to allow myself to be expected to be a mind reader, right? Now on the other side, as I just said, you know, fast,
Speaker: isn't meant to be blunt to the point of cruelty. It doesn't mean just say whatever you want and don't care about the impact. You can be truthful and kind, right?
Speaker: You can stick to your values and still care about the other person's feelings. Fast just means don't sacrifice your integrity to keep the peace. Don't betray what matters to you just because someone else wants something different from you.
Speaker: So here's how these skills kind of work in practice. You layer them based on your primary goal. let's say scenario one, we're looking at a relationship first conversation.
Speaker: So you need to address something that hurt you, but you want to stay close with the person you're talking to. So you're bringing in dear man plus and give. So you'd say something along the lines of,
Speaker: I felt hurt when you didn't respond to my text about the hard thing I was going through. That's the describe, express. Could we talk about how we communicate when one of us is struggling?
Speaker: There's your assert, right? I think it would help us stay connected. Reinforce. I want to understand your perspective too, right? There's your validate, interested.
Speaker: So you're being direct about the issue, but you're doing it gently. You're staying curious. You're keeping the relationship to door open, right? Scenario two is a self-respect first conversation.
Speaker: So you need to say no to something that might potentially drain you, right? So you're using dear man plus fast. So this might look like something along lines of, I know this project is important.
Speaker: So there's your validate. don't have capacity to take it on right now. Assert. Truthful. I need to protect my bandwidth for the commitments I've already made. Sticking to your values.
Speaker: No over apologizing, no elaborate justification, just a clear, kind no that honors your limits. You don't have to be good at this immediately.
Speaker: But As we said in the last episode, it's not about the rigid, you D-E-A-R-M-A-N-G-I-V-E-F-A-S-T. You know, it's it's about integrating and feeling out, you know, talk to the person, trust what is being presented to you and present what is truthful to yourself.
Speaker: Quick practice for the week. Think of one relationship where you want to stay connected, but also stay honest. What's one thing you've been avoiding saying because you're not sure how to balance kindness and truth?
Speaker: Now ask yourself, what skill fits best? If the goal is maintaining the relationship, you're going to go with give. If the goal is protecting your self-respect, you're going to go with fast.
Speaker: If you need both, you'll need to layer them, but also you might want to think of a different relationship just to get the initial practice in. You don't have to have the conversation this week.
Speaker: Just notice what skill you might need and consider from there. That's just the first step.
Speaker: One question for you to consider. Where in your life are you sacrificing self-respect to keep the peace? And what would it look like to use fast in that situation?
Speaker: You don't have to do it. Just notice where the opportunity is. And that is interpersonal effectiveness part two. Give for when the relationship matters most, gentle, interested, validate, easy manner.
Speaker: Fast for when self-respect matters most. Fair, no apologies, stick to values, truthful. And the skill, the real skill here is knowing which one to prioritize in any given moment and being willing to follow through.
Speaker: Next episode is the mini season wrap up. So we're going to pull everything together, all the four modules, all the skills, and we're going to talk about how to actually make this stick in real life.
Speaker: Not about doing it perfectly, not all at once, just slightly better than where we were before. If you have enjoyed this episode, if you enjoyed the mini season, please leave a five star review wherever you listen.
Speaker: And also let me know. Contact me at friendlesspod at gmail.com or message me on social media at friendlesspod. I really want to hear from you. i appreciate every comment, every message I get. you have any questions, of whether it's about this, whether it's about you know anything else, ask away.
Speaker: And I will, if I don't answer you directly by message, I will answer it on the show for you. ah All of that is going to be next week. But let's leave all that for now.
Speaker: Thank you so much for listening. And I really, really hope I'm going to catch you back here for the grand finale. But as always, I'm not going to worry about that right now. And neither should you, because that is then and this is now.
Speaker: So for now, I'll just say I love you one more time. And I wish you well. Fun and safe and sweet peas.
Speaker: Thank you.
