Transcript
Speaker: Welcome back to Friendless Sweet Peas. I'm your host, James Avramenko, and this is the ninth and final episode of the DBT mini season. Now, whether you feel enlightened, exhausted, or somewhere in the middle, you made it.
Speaker: But I want to be really clear before we get into it about what this episode is and what it isn't. This isn't going to be a test. It's not a performance review, not me checking whether you've memorized all the different acronyms or whether you're using the skills perfectly.
Speaker: It's literally just reflection, integration, and you know, a little bit of celebration because we have covered a lot. Four modules, a whole bunch of skills, a lot of acronyms that probably blurred together at some point.
Speaker: You don't need to remember all this. In fact, you're not supposed to because nobody does. The question isn't, did you memorize this? The question is, what do you actually do with all of this?
Speaker: Because skills don't stick if they stay theoretical. They have to become practices, tiny, repeated, imperfect practices.
Speaker: So today we're going to do a couple of things. We're going to do this really light kind of tour back through the four modules, not a reteach, just kind of a reminder for the terrain that we've walked through.
Speaker: And then I want to reflect on what landed, what didn't, and and what surprised the most. We're going to talk a little bit about how to integrate skills into real life without making it another productivity project.
Speaker: And importantly, how to not turn into a DBT zealot in the process. And of course, you know, we're going to celebrate the fact that you showed up because that matters.
Speaker: So let's start this reflection tour.
Speaker: All right. So as we go through this, I'm not going to reteach any of this. If something catches your ear and you want to go deeper, the episodes are still right there for you to review. Okay.
Speaker: So mindfulness was the foundation. The what skills, observe, describe, participate. Then the how skills, non-judgmentally, when mindfully, effectively. The through line here is you can notice what's happening without drowning in it.
Speaker: You can put words to your experience and get a little distance from them. And you can actually be where you are, even if it's just for a couple seconds at a time.
Speaker: It's by far the least flashy module and probably the most important one. Everything else in DBT really rests on top of mindfulness. So my hope is your takeaway is you are allowed to just notice without fixing, judging.
Speaker: That's the whole thing. Noticing is half the battle. Distress tolerance was the crisis module. Stop for the impulse to action pipeline. Tip for when your nervous system needs a hard reset and thinking just isn't going to cut it.
Speaker: Self-soothing through the senses and then radical acceptance for the stuff that you can't change. The through line here, of course, is you can survive extreme feelings without doing something you'll regret.
Speaker: And you can stop fighting reality long enough to actually live in it. My hope is your takeaway here is the goal isn't to not feel bad.
Speaker: The goal is to not make things worse. Third is emotional regulation. This is the module about treating emotions like signals instead of enemies.
Speaker: You know, naming them specifically, checking whether the feeling actually matches the facts, reducing vulnerability with the the boring stuff, right? Sleep, food, movement. So you're not running on empty.
Speaker: And then there's the active moves, opposite action when the urge would make it worse. Problem solving when there's actually something to do. Building positive experiences so you have a reserve.
Speaker: The through line being emotions aren't problems to solve. They're information. You can respond instead of reacting. So the goal isn't to feel less, it's to feel accurate.
Speaker: Fourth was interpersonal effectiveness. And this is the module about having actual tools for actual conversations. Three goals, getting what you need, keeping the relationship, keeping your self-respect.
Speaker: And the three acronyms to match, dear man, give and fast. You probably don't remember what the letters stand for, that's fine. The through line is communication doesn't have to be chaos.
Speaker: You can ask for things. You can hold a line. You can stay in relationships without losing yourself in them. You get to figure out what you want out of a conversation before you're in it.
Speaker: So that's the terrain. Four modules, a whole lot of tools, and even more acronyms that you are absolutely allowed to forget. Now,
Speaker: As a part of the reflection, I wanted to try and kind of flip things over to you, the listener, and ask about what actually landed for you. The way we're going to do this is i have some reflection questions that you can ask yourself, not to answer out loud necessarily, just to sit with. um At the same time too, if you would like to share your answers with me, i would love to hear those and keep that conversation going.
Speaker: So question number one, which skills surprised you most? Was there one that you didn't expect to land? Was there one that felt more useful than you thought it would?
Speaker: um For me, I'll answer this one because I think it'll kind of help here, maybe someone else's process here. I personally am always surprised by radical acceptance, just kind of letting reality be what it is and not you know adding those layers to it, right? Not fighting it.
Speaker: When I clock myself and I realize I'm still inventing stories while also, you know, using those stories to add new layers of suffering to my day, I end up really having kind of have to to laugh about it because...
Speaker: In the end, it it is almost comical how easily I can trap myself in the same loop, how automatic that that suffering becomes. I still struggle with interpersonal skills, which you know may sound ironic being that I just recorded an entire season about it and also just the nature of who I am. But really what it comes down to is I still struggle to express my own needs and desires.
Speaker: I've still got that people-pleasing dog in me. And it really, really doesn't want to roll over. Unless, of course, that's what you want, in which case it's literally going to turn itself into a turbine.
Speaker: But I feel myself consistently moving away from those instincts and letting myself hold my own ground. It doesn't always feel good.
Speaker: And it doesn't always land the way I want or hope, but it feels more authentic, which is way more in line with what I want. right
Speaker: I personally feel a real sense of relief for the end of this micro season and a lot of pride, you know, I didn't know what this would be when I started.
Speaker: I just knew that I wanted to try something new. It was an experiment, which was in a lot of ways, both a really good and a really bad thing, because it meant I couldn't fail because, you know, I had no idea what would happen.
Speaker: But that also means from a certain angle that I couldn't succeed either for really the same reason. So I had to really actively work on applying these skills to myself throughout the season just to kind of keep myself from freaking out and keep giving up.
Speaker: That alone, I'm proud of. Now, it wasn't all hoped. I didn't say all that I wanted to, but I'm satisfied. I'm happy with you know what I ended up with.
Speaker: Okay, so that's a long-winded answer to question number one. ah Question number two, which skill do you think you'll actually use? Not all of them. Believe me, you're not going to use all of them.
Speaker: Which one or two feel most accessible, most immediately useful? Question three is what is one thing you learned about yourself during this season?
Speaker: Not about DBT, about you, about how you relate to your emotions, your relationships, your own patterns. You don't have to answer any of these right now. Just let them sit and notice what comes up.
Speaker: All right. So you have some tools. You have some skills. Now what? Because you got to remember, like with any other new thing, these skills don't stick through one-time learning.
Speaker: They stick through practice. Tiny, repeated, imperfect practice.
Speaker: So here's some strategies for making this actually work in your life. Strategy one, pick one skill per week. Don't try to master all of DBT at once.
Speaker: You'll burn out, you'll forget everything, and then you're going to feel like you're failing at self-improvement, which is literally the opposite of the goal. Instead, one skill, one week.
Speaker: That's it. So, you know, week one, practice, observe, describe, participate for 30 seconds a day. Week two, try, stop once when you feel an impulse.
Speaker: Week three, check the facts on one emotion. One skill, one week, build slowly. Strategy two, use micro practices.
Speaker: So you don't need hour-long meditation sessions. You don't need to overhaul your whole life. You need 30 seconds of mindful breathing while your coffee brews. One self-soothing activity when you're stressed.
Speaker: One check the facts moment when you're stressed. One dear man conversation yeah per week, whatever. Micro practices stack. Tiny consistent efforts compound.
Speaker: Strategy three, notice small wins. You're not looking for transformation. You're not looking for I'm fixed now, right? You know, you're looking for the moment you didn't spiral for three hours.
Speaker: The conversation you handled 10% better than last time. The emotion you survived without catastrophizing. The impulse you didn't act on. Small wins are wins.
Speaker: Celebrate every single one of them. Strategy four is reflect weekly. So spend just, you know, three five minutes at the end of each week, journaling, voice noting, whatever works for you.
Speaker: And ask yourself what worked, what didn't, what surprised you? Reflection cements learning. Without reflection, the skill stays abstract.
Speaker: Strategy five, be gentle with yourself. DBT is iterative. You are going to forget skills. You're going to mess up.
Speaker: You're going to use a skill and it won't work. You're going to know exactly what you should do and still not do it. That's not failure. That's learning. Perfection is not the goal.
Speaker: Skillfulness is. And skillfulness comes from repetition, not from getting it right the first time. So when you forget, and you will forget, Just start again.
Speaker: No shame, no self-attack. Just start again. Strategy six, stay loose. Do not become a zealot. And this one's really important to me.
Speaker: DBT is just one modality. It's not the modality. It's a set of tools that works for a lot of people a lot of the time. And it's not going to fit every single brain, every single situation, every single season of your life.
Speaker: You know, I've watched people, I've been people who latch onto a single framework like it's the final answer. CBT, DBT, IFS, somatic stuff, the Enneagram, human design, whatever.
Speaker: And there's this moment where it clicks and it feels like, you know, you've cracked the code. And then six months later, you're using the language like a cudgel.
Speaker: You're diagnosing everyone around you. You're gatekeeping emotions with acronyms. And that is not healing. That's a new hiding place.
Speaker: So stay curious. Keep trying things. If DBT gives you three skills that you use forever and nothing else ever lands, that's great. Take those three. If you try it for a year and realize somatic work actually fits better for you, go do that.
Speaker: Read other books, listen other practitioners, borrow freely and keep just what's working for you.
Speaker: These things aren't prescriptive. So the goal here, you know, for me, the goal in life is just to find the goal is just a life that feels more workable, not the correct worldview.
Speaker: All right. Before we close this out, I want to say something really clearly. Completing the season is a big deal. And I don't want us to skip past that.
Speaker: You invested time. You invested attention. You invested emotional bandwidth into listening to me talk about skills for managing your own brain and your relationships and your feelings.
Speaker: And that's a lot. And you showed up for it. Even when it was uncomfortable. Even when the skills felt stupid or impossible. even if you weren't sure it would help, even when you just wanted to skip to the part where everything's fixed, you stayed, you listened, and you tried.
Speaker: And that's massive. I want to give you credit, and I want you to give yourself credit for that. These skills are not about being flawless. They're not about never spiraling again, or never having big emotions, or never messing up a conversation.
Speaker: They're about having more options. More options when your brain is catastrophizing. More options when emotions feel overwhelming. More options when conversations are hard.
Speaker: More options when you're in crisis. You don't have to use every skill. You don't have to be good at all of them. You don't have to be good at any of them. You just have to know that they're there.
Speaker: And that's what you have now. that's That was my intention here. A toolkit. Not a cure. Not a fix. Just more options than you had before.
Speaker: And you have permission to forget these skills and come back later. To use some and ignore others. To modify them to fit your brain and your needs. To to mess up and to try again.
Speaker: To decide some of this just doesn't work for you. there's There's no DBT police here. you know You get to choose what's useful. And what's useful... might be different six months from now than it is right now.
Speaker: And that's fine. That's how all of this works.
Speaker: So next steps. Number one, I guess, revisit episodes. Some skills are going to take multiple listens. Something doesn't land the first time, come back to it in a few weeks.
Speaker: And, you know, you might find you hear something different. Step two, layer skills. Once you're comfortable with individual skills, start combining them. Mindfulness plus distress tolerance when you're in crisis, but you know, trying to stay grounded.
Speaker: Emotional regulation plus interpersonal effectiveness when you're having a hard hard conversation about feelings. The magic of this happens when they work together.
Speaker: Three would be. Keep the tiny wins approach. You know, small, consistent efforts compound. As we said, you're not building Rome. You're sticking one brick at a time.
Speaker: And that's enough. And four, and i want to stick on this for a minute.
Speaker: Four is don't do this alone. And I say this as somebody who spent a lot of my life convinced that I could just figure everything out myself.
Speaker: Convinced that, you know, if I just read enough books, if I just listen to enough podcasts, if I just did enough self-work, that I'd eventually arrive at, you know, the final cured version of myself that had it all sorted out.
Speaker: And that's not how this works. The people I know who have actually made the biggest shifts in their lives the ones who handle their emotions differently, who have healthier relationships, who who have actually changed, none of them did it alone.
Speaker: Every single one had help. So here's what I want you to take seriously. If you can, get a therapist.
Speaker: Get one. I know. I know it's expensive. I know wait lists are are ridiculous. I know finding one that clicks can take three or four or five or God knows how many tries.
Speaker: Do it anyway. A good therapist is the single biggest accelerant I have ever encountered for this kind of work. If therapy isn't available to you right now, and for a lot of people, it just isn't, and I get it, that's real.
Speaker: That doesn't mean give up.
Speaker: That means you have to find the community, find a group, the peer support groups. are they They're real. They are out there and a lot of them are free. There's online communities where people are actively practicing this stuff.
Speaker: You know, maybe it just comes down to a friend who's reading the DBT workbook or a partner who's willing to learn give with you so that you can practice it in real time. You know, there's 12-step meetings, if that fits your situation.
Speaker: There's men's and women's groups. There's grief groups. Whatever flavor of other humans trying to do this to, you get your hands on. Do it.
Speaker: Because otherwise, you're in isolation. And what isolation does is it takes whatever pattern you already have and it locks it in. It makes the story in your head the only story in the room.
Speaker: It lets you practice a skill for a month and then quietly decide it doesn't work. When what you really needed was someone else to say, hey, why don't you try it this way? Or hey, great job.
Speaker: You know, other people are the skill. Other people are how these skills become real. And I know that it's complicated coming from a podcast called Friendless, hosted by a guy who's literally built his creative life around the question of why connection's so hard.
Speaker: And I know I'm just saying, hey, yeah, just is go meet people, right? But that's the point.
Speaker: The reason I keep making this show is because I genuinely believe connection is the thing. The work we do on ourselves matters.
Speaker: But it matters most because of what it lets us do with and for each other. And if this is what you want, you have to be the one who goes and does it. If this is a moral of yours, if this is of a value of yours, it is on you to do that work.
Speaker: Quit waiting for the savior.
Speaker: Five, go deeper if you want to. if you want to go further and you might or you might not, both are fine, but there are deep, there are DBT workbooks.
Speaker: Marsha Linehan's original work is dense, but it's absolutely incredible to just get from the source. There's also the Matthew McKay workbook, which is way more approachable.
Speaker: There are therapists who specialize in this. There are free online communities of people practicing these skills together. I'll put some resources in the show notes, but You don't need any of these to make this work. You just need to practice.
Speaker: And ideally, practice with, you know, other people somewhere in the mix. All right. So that's it. That is the DBT micro season. And hopefully, hopefully at least, you know, one thing that you can use came up.
Speaker: That's all I wanted. Just, you know, one tool, one skill, one moment where you felt a little less stuck. If you got that, this is worth it. So thank you.
Speaker: Genuinely. Thank you for, you know, trusting me with your time and your brain space. Thank you for being willing to try something new, even when it felt kind of awkward or performative or like it might not help.
Speaker: i I really hope this season gave you something, even if it's small, even if it's just permission to be, you know, a little gentler with yourself or or permission to reach out to someone. Next on Friendless is a little bit of a half and half. I'm kind of going back into semi-construction.
Speaker: The monthly book warehouse collaboration episodes, they're actually gonna be increasing to every other week. So we're gonna be doing two interviews a week in the store. We already have an incredible roster of authors lined up to be interviewed through ah May all the way to July.
Speaker: i just, I cannot wait to record those. Also remember, if you do wanna come see those live, if you're in Vancouver, Keep an eye on my Instagram page. I'll be announcing the dates as they come up.
Speaker: But on the other side, I'm going to take a little bit of a pause while I kind of figure out what I want to do with the feed on the yeah you know the off weeks. I have a whole other list of people who have asked to be on the show, and I really want to get them on.
Speaker: I also really want to do another kind of experimental mini season. I just... i' there are there are days where I feel like I'm kind of going a little crazy with all the ideas and the stories that are just kind of bouncing around my head and I still haven't really figured out the most effective way to get them out what I do know is as always I love making this show I love the community that continues to grow around it and whatever I come up with whatever comes next I know I'm gonna just at the baseline I'm gonna do my absolute damnedest to make it something that's worth your time.
Speaker: Until then, you can always keep up with news about the show by following me on Instagram and TikTok at Friendless Pod. If you have any stories and questions, any of the answers to the reflection questions, anything at all, please email me at friendlesspod at gmail.com.
Speaker: but But yeah, thank you one more time for listening through to the end of this episode and to this entire season. I hope you found something worthwhile and i really hope I'm going to catch you back here for the next episode. But Hey, as always, I'm not going to worry about that right now.
Speaker: And neither should you, because that is then and this is now. So for now, I'll just say I love you and I wish you well. Fun and safety, sweet peas.
