Transcript
Speaker: Hi and welcome to another episode of the Glam Reaper podcast.
Speaker: I'm your host, Jennifer Muldenny, aka the Glam Reaper herself, who is currently suffering from seriously frizzy hair situation.
Speaker: Thanks, America, New York summers.
Speaker: I don't think it's American all around.
Speaker: It's definitely New York summers.
Speaker: Anyway, let's move on with the episode.
Speaker: Nobody needs to hear about my dramas.
Speaker: On this episode, we are talking to a gorgeous girl who has been through a fairly traumatic
Speaker: journey herself, but has come out the other side and is trying to help others who might have been in the same boat to do the same.
Speaker: So let's take it away for this episode.
Speaker: So hi everybody and welcome to another episode of the Glam Reaper podcast.
Speaker: I'm your host Jennifer Muldowney and we have another exciting episode today.
Speaker: So we have a beautiful girl with a beautiful name, Crystal, and she is going to share some solace with us with her company Sharing Solace.
Speaker: So it is going to touch a few people but that's what this episode is all about.
Speaker: So Crystal, welcome.
Speaker: Hello, hello.
Speaker: Hello.
Speaker: No, so nice to see you again.
Speaker: So Crystal, I met you at the NFDA Women's Conference in Miami, where I seem to announce to everybody that I burned my tushy, which is a classic.
Speaker: If anybody knows, has ever met me in any realm of...
Speaker: of sun holiday I always seem to burn my ass cheeks but anyway that is not what we were there to do um we it was actually it was such a brilliant conference it was my first time going and I was obsessed it was just so good to have so many women in a room like-minded not like-minded like it was great to just sort of hash things out with people who taught totally different to you
Speaker: um but that's how you and I met and actually I believe it was uh you overheard my accent from across the crowded room um hilarious and um but in all seriousness though what is it that you do um and because I know you'd spoken you stood up and spoke um at it was a pretty harrowing conversation we were having um and so yeah tell us about sharing solace yeah
Speaker: Well, yeah.
Speaker: So I did hear you from across the room and I was like, I don't care what you're saying.
Speaker: I just have to listen to you.
Speaker: Well, thank you.
Speaker: I appreciate that.
Speaker: You can talk about anything and I'm just like, oh, fangirl.
Speaker: I can read a book.
Speaker: Maybe that's what I should do for this podcast.
Speaker: Just read books.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Oh, that's a good one.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: I'm from the Midwest.
Speaker: So I have the non-accent accent.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Like I've been told that people come to the Midwest to learn to not have an accent.
Speaker: Wow.
Speaker: Really?
Speaker: Like all the, I want to say podcasters, but not podcasters, like newscasters and stuff.
Speaker: There's a lot of, yeah.
Speaker: They come to just sort of neutralize their accent.
Speaker: That's interesting.
Speaker: I don't think I need to neutralize mine anymore.
Speaker: Cause I feel like it's neutralized enough without losing the good stuff.
Speaker: I was home recently and my dad nearly killed me because I said trash.
Speaker: Yeah, we call it, if you've got rubbish, like a can or something, it's rubbish.
Speaker: It's not trash.
Speaker: It's rubbish and it goes in the bin.
Speaker: It's not trash that goes into a trash can.
Speaker: So he nearly popped.
Speaker: I can't ever lose.
Speaker: I will always say vitamins, never vitamins, tomatoes, never tomatoes.
Speaker: There's certain things.
Speaker: The rest of it, I can say 2.30 and he doesn't give out to me too much.
Speaker: But so the Midwest, wow, I never knew that.
Speaker: That's crazy.
Speaker: I mean, that's the rumor I've heard.
Speaker: I've never actually looked it up or anything.
Speaker: Yeah, yeah.
Speaker: Well, I know quite a few people from Fox News, so now I'm going to inquire.
Speaker: I'm going to be like, put out like this.
Speaker: That's really interesting.
Speaker: But that's not what you do.
Speaker: That's not your journey.
Speaker: So your journey...
Speaker: It's a tough one, but I feel like there's a lot of people out there who've gone through it or going through it currently, and it's something that needs to be broadcast.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: So my journey started in 2010.
Speaker: I was 32 weeks pregnant with my first child, Madeline Elizabeth, and went in for a routine ultrasound and heard the words that no one should ever have to hear.
Speaker: Something's not right.
Speaker: I'm going to go get the doctor.
Speaker: And, you know, I mean, 10 years ago, I could have spouted off all the medical jargon and all the everything.
Speaker: But we found out that we were not going to have a happy, healthy baby.
Speaker: We didn't know exactly what that meant or what it looked like, but we knew that
Speaker: You know, all parents say, oh, I just want happy and healthy.
Speaker: Like, literally, that's all I wanted was happy and healthy.
Speaker: So at 36 weeks, I gave birth through emergency C-section to my daughter, Madeline Elizabeth.
Speaker: She lived for eight beautiful hours and then she died in my arms the next day.
Speaker: Yeah, obviously, I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.
Speaker: And also I think it's made me a more human human.
Speaker: I'm better.
Speaker: I'm more compassionate.
Speaker: I'm, you know, like all the, I don't want to say happier because that's, I'm a different kind of happy.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: You probably find happiness in the moments, the small moments.
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: You're probably a lot more present than people are today.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: At least I try to be.
Speaker: Yeah, I do think experiencing death and I know people working with death, it really does.
Speaker: It touches you in, I don't want to say it sounds weird to say, it touches you in parts that you never knew you had.
Speaker: It's, yeah, it just, it makes life, it shows life in all its delicacy and how precious it really is.
Speaker: Jesus, I can't even imagine.
Speaker: I mean, eight hours.
Speaker: And did you know you'd have eight hours?
Speaker: No.
Speaker: We didn't know anything.
Speaker: We knew she could be stillborn.
Speaker: We knew she could survive.
Speaker: We knew nothing.
Speaker: We just knew that long term, she wouldn't make it very long.
Speaker: Was that hours, days, weeks, months?
Speaker: We didn't know.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: And I mean, there's, there's a lot being 12 years past that point.
Speaker: I've found a lot of silver linings in it.
Speaker: You know, there's nothing good about that situation there.
Speaker: And also I'm lucky that I had two weeks from the time I found out to the time she was born.
Speaker: You know, I'm,
Speaker: I could go on and on about all the things that I found silver linings in.
Speaker: And it's,
Speaker: it's so hard to say in the moment.
Speaker: It's so, there's a friend of mine who was going through a divorce and when she was really raw, it came to her as a complete and utter shock.
Speaker: And I remember her actually saying, I mean, she went through a very, very dark time.
Speaker: She at one point said, you know, I nearly would prefer if he died because it just would have made it easier.
Speaker: Whereas this is just, he's gone on living, rejecting, you know, it's just, it's,
Speaker: Her whole world turned upside down.
Speaker: But what I'm getting to is that it made me laugh.
Speaker: We laugh about it now.
Speaker: But at the time, you know, she was going through it.
Speaker: And like so many people and so many families and friends that I come across who want to help, you know, and that's really what it comes down to.
Speaker: Human beings just trying to help.
Speaker: And when somebody has gone through a loss that is incomprehensible,
Speaker: you're just trying to do everything.
Speaker: You're grasping at straws.
Speaker: And I know there's a lot of people out there that are kind of, you know, standing on these hills of, well, don't ever say this to a grieving person.
Speaker: Don't do this.
Speaker: And don't do this.
Speaker: And don't do this.
Speaker: And I'm like, oh, I just, I don't want us to get too, I don't want us to get too afraid to do anything.
Speaker: And I remember, and I, cause I will hold my hands up.
Speaker: I've messed up
Speaker: in many ways you know with my grieving friends yeah yeah it's just it's you're trying your best you're trying your best and it's whatever way it's received but um in this case of my friend um you know I started being like look he wasn't the guy for you th is is happening for a reason you know this was wrong this was wrong and you know
Speaker: I was trying to be sort of pull her out of this dark hole that she was just digging and digging, digging further down.
Speaker: And I was obviously scared I'd lose her and stuff.
Speaker: And I just remember we laugh at it as I said now, but I just remember her turn around and be like, Jen, I do not need positive poly right now.
Speaker: I do not need positive poly.
Speaker: And she was like, I love you.
Speaker: I was like, okay, okay, I'll come back to you in a year.
Speaker: Like I said, you know, I'll, you know, fridge magneties for now and I'll come back.
Speaker: And so it's amazing to find those silver linings.
Speaker: It really, like, it really is.
Speaker: And you have to find them in your own time.
Speaker: And again, you know, people offering condolences and I know I've heard some of the worst ones, well, like at least you have another child and at least.
Speaker: Anything that starts with at least.
Speaker: You start, you use those two words, I'm probably going to punch you.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: It's like, oh, and you know, again, it's like people are just trying, but it's like, sometimes I do just want to be like, just try harder or just say nothing.
Speaker: I mean, honestly, I found in working with grieving families, honestly, say nothing, say nothing, just hug them, hold their hand, stand beside them, like whatever it is, bring food, bring booze.
Speaker: I mean, you know, that's questionable.
Speaker: As an Irish person, like, eh, yeah.
Speaker: I'd appreciate it.
Speaker: Hey, I'm Swedish.
Speaker: Yeah, I'm just like, eh.
Speaker: And a little German.
Speaker: So I'm like, vodka, beer, you bring it, I'll drink it.
Speaker: It's like, don't bring a lot.
Speaker: Like, don't make it a thing.
Speaker: But like, you know, sometimes it helps.
Speaker: But it's about facilitating them to be able to talk about it if that's where they want to talk about it.
Speaker: So, you know, I've met families who, there was a gorgeous couple I worked with who they'd only just gotten married and he got terminal cancer.
Speaker: I mean, he was gone within a month.
Speaker: It was just...
Speaker: heartbreaking and actually I just did a service this morning as I was saying to you and they were an 80 year old couple and at the end of it I was bawling crying now I wasn't ridiculous but I was like you know I couldn't keep the the the tears um I couldn't keep them in in the tear ducts um and I said I'm really sorry I said I just I am a sucker for a love story like I just people that find each other I and and and have
Speaker: being together for 70 years and stuff, I'm just, and then one of them loses the other, I'm like, oh my God, I can't even cope.
Speaker: And here with this particular couple, they'd only had a year together.
Speaker: I mean, it was heartbreaking.
Speaker: And they were so in love and it was just so amazing.
Speaker: And they were just so beautiful.
Speaker: But it actually, I had a conversation with her one day and, you know, I'm single.
Speaker: And she just turned around.
Speaker: She was like, Jen, I really hope you even get what I got.
Speaker: She said, I'm so grateful to have had that year with him.
Speaker: She said, I know how lucky I am.
Speaker: And I've shivers now.
Speaker: I know.
Speaker: I was just like, it's, I just said to her, I was like, wow, that is, that takes such great, such courage to just,
Speaker: To know that, like, that's such an incredible thing to be able to say in that moment of loss, you know?
Speaker: And so, like, even for you to be able to say, I had two weeks to process and all the other silver linings that you maybe found.
Speaker: And I'm sure one of them is you're now business.
Speaker: So you're now supporting others.
Speaker: So tell us about that.
Speaker: Like, how did losing her...
Speaker: And how long did that take, you know, into moving into, and how did you come across, how did you find your way?
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: So I was in a very dark place for a very long time, as I think most people are.
Speaker: Like, I don't say that to be like, mine was the worst.
Speaker: I really believe that if you have something traumatic that happens to you, you end up in a dark place for a while.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: And so I actually was...
Speaker: I tell people I was living my life waiting to die for like five years because of Madeline.
Speaker: There were so many hurdles and things that we, you know, we, we'd get a silver ray of light and then something else would happen.
Speaker: And to this day, Madeline is our one and only child.
Speaker: And that,
Speaker: went into the grief and the guilt and all of those things.
Speaker: And so that's, I mean, I don't want to say it was all Madeline, but it was all Madeline.
Speaker: Like I was really, really in a dark place for five years.
Speaker: And then one day, almost like five years to the day, um, I woke up and I was like, okay, I either need to fish or cut bait here.
Speaker: I'm either going to live or I'm going to die.
Speaker: Because I don't mind making myself miserable.
Speaker: Like that's the life I've chosen for myself.
Speaker: But the people around me, I'm making them miserable and they don't deserve that.
Speaker: And almost instantly, like a bolt of lightning,
Speaker: the concept of sharing solace came to me.
Speaker: And I really, really believe that it was Madeline up there saying, mom, it's about freaking time that you got over your pity party.
Speaker: Let's do this.
Speaker: And I, I said, okay.
Speaker: All right.
Speaker: You know, like, like any mom to a five-year-old would do like fine, whatever.
Speaker: Oh, I guess.
Speaker: And that's where it came from.
Speaker: That's where Sharon's... And I honestly believe that it's all her doing.
Speaker: Wow.
Speaker: Because I'm not smart enough.
Speaker: I'm not creative enough.
Speaker: Like, this is her saying, this is what we're doing now.
Speaker: I'm just a puppet doing what I'm told.
Speaker: As woohoo-y as that sounds.
Speaker: Well, I mean...
Speaker: Yeah, look, there's people going to be listening to this that won't agree with that.
Speaker: I meet them all.
Speaker: I meet all different types.
Speaker: But, you know, I can tell you this.
Speaker: Every family I work with, whether it's as a celebrant or memorial planner,
Speaker: There's definitely signs.
Speaker: Now, whether you believe it's a spiritual thing or it's just coincidental and you're honed into things.
Speaker: Honestly, to me, I'm like, it doesn't it doesn't matter.
Speaker: It doesn't really.
Speaker: It's just like like even a small thing.
Speaker: And I was laughing with the guys that did the service with today.
Speaker: small thing but I was wearing a green dress today like that was it that was what was happening right I had it laid you know I had it laid out and for whatever different reasons you know things that happened I put on a
Speaker: I put on trousers, put on pants as you guys call them, which makes me laugh.
Speaker: I put on trousers and a black shirt and that's what I wore instead.
Speaker: And when I arrived at the funeral home, the bride, almost to your colour, the wife of the deceased was in the exact same green colour dress.
Speaker: Not even joking.
Speaker: And it was his favourite colour and favourite dress.
Speaker: And I told her, I said, I was literally going to look, you know, be a carbon copy in terms of dress.
Speaker: And I said, some whatever happened, you know, and again, it was it was things and it was a feeling.
Speaker: It was whatever, whatever it was, I decided against it.
Speaker: And I said, that was him telling me, no, no, no, you don't get to steal the show from my lady.
Speaker: That to me, I was like.
Speaker: You had to be the, cause she was Irish as well.
Speaker: I was like, you had to be the lady in green.
Speaker: That was, that was, that was what was happening.
Speaker: And I've had so many just random things.
Speaker: Like I've had, I've been doing a service for a Tiffany and breakfast at Tiffany's, the song comes on and I'm like, what?
Speaker: You know, it's, it's, and I haven't heard that song in maybe two decades or however old it is, you know?
Speaker: It's crazy things like that.
Speaker: So I'd well believe that she's guiding you.
Speaker: And, you know, people can think it's woo, whatever.
Speaker: Honestly, the way I look, I say I don't care.
Speaker: Like, if you don't believe it, it's fine.
Speaker: I just know the things that happen and surround me.
Speaker: And there's an incredible book called The Signs that actually...
Speaker: tells you about all of this and how to hone into it and stuff um like me and my mum have this kind of random connection about we see 11 11 and 1 11's everywhere and you know we text each other you know she'll see it obviously five hours ahead in Ireland and text it to me and then I'll suddenly see it and so we have this kind of a we're seeing it four times a day nearly but um
Speaker: But it's amazing that you took something, which I do find actually at the women's conference, I did notice that, how a lot of women who weren't born into it came from a place of heartbreak or loss.
Speaker: I mean, even myself, I did.
Speaker: You know, came from seeing something that we didn't feel was quite right, didn't fit, whatever it was, or loss or, yeah, it was just, there was a lot of compassion and emotion in the room, I felt.
Speaker: And when you stood up, whew,
Speaker: Yeah, that was... Because as you announced, well, you kind of told us all because the following week was Mother's Day.
Speaker: And as you said, well, guys, I don't know if any of you know, which was terrible because the industry we work in, was that it was National Bereaved Mother's Day.
Speaker: You know, and how many of us didn't know about that?
Speaker: So what does Sharing Solace do?
Speaker: What does it provide?
Speaker: What's the support that it gives to people?
Speaker: So we started with...
Speaker: a locket set.
Speaker: I'm wearing the necklace because I always wear the necklace.
Speaker: We'll get a photo of that and we'll put it up on the YouTube.
Speaker: And the idea is that you keep it near your heart as long as it brings you comfort.
Speaker: However long that is.
Speaker: And when it starts to not bring you that same comfort, it symbolizes that you're ready to release the debilitating grief.
Speaker: The I don't want to get out of bed, the living your life waiting to die kind of grief.
Speaker: That's when you open up the locket, take out the middle token, put that middle token into a new locket, and you pay that new locket forward onto somebody else you know that needs love and support as they're going along their own grief journey.
Speaker: And each of these tokens actually has a unique identifier inscribed on the back that allows you to register it on the website and you can follow it as it moves from person to person.
Speaker: Wow.
Speaker: So yeah, and that was all her idea.
Speaker: I was like.
Speaker: That's very cool.
Speaker: So, so you buy this locket and this token and are there different tokens or there, how does that?
Speaker: Yeah, you get to just, you know, like, do you want the round one or the square one?
Speaker: And what word do you want inscribed on it?
Speaker: And right now we just have one token, but you can twist it in different ways to make it look like what you want it to look like.
Speaker: Oh, wow.
Speaker: And it's just a little like, I look at it and see this is the topsy turvies ups and downs of grief.
Speaker: You know, sometimes you're up and sometimes you're down and sometimes you're upside down.
Speaker: And the stages aren't chronological one by one.
Speaker: Let's go through this.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: It doesn't exist.
Speaker: So it's very symbolic and whatever you see in it is what you're supposed to see in it.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: And so you have it.
Speaker: And once you feel you're ready not to move on, but you're ready to allow your heart to maybe start healing.
Speaker: And as you said, it's less debilitating.
Speaker: You pass it on to somebody else.
Speaker: And so it goes on this little journey.
Speaker: That's amazing.
Speaker: And have you what have you is there a journey, a wild journey you've seen that's maybe traveled all over the world or something similar?
Speaker: Is there?
Speaker: So on the website, you can actually, we call it the token tree, but really it looks more like a spider web.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: So they all start in the middle and then you can follow it as it goes from person to person.
Speaker: And so you'll see like me, I've actually had several because I get one and then I pass it on and then someone gets one and they give it to me and then I pass it on.
Speaker: And you have all these ins and outs.
Speaker: It's just...
Speaker: You know, and you can read other people's stories and you can share your story and whatever you want to.
Speaker: But there's just something very powerful about being able to visualize that you're not alone.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: I was just about to say, it's really not about the physical token.
Speaker: It's about the support circle that it is.
Speaker: And it's a tangible thing to say, you're not in this on your own.
Speaker: And we got you.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: And is there a part where, or maybe a future part where it will become sort of support groups?
Speaker: Can people connect with each other?
Speaker: Is it almost, I don't say like a Facebook, but is there a part of that?
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: I mean, again, it's not a Facebook.
Speaker: It's not intended to be a Facebook.
Speaker: But you can connect with other people that share a similar story or, you know, you're just intrigued to learn about.
Speaker: Yes, there's definitely... We don't have traditional support groups.
Speaker: Every other Thursday we meet.
Speaker: But at any point in time, you can go on the website and find a story and reach out to that person.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: That's amazing.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: I mean, it's so heartbreaking that it sort of has to...
Speaker: even be a thing, but it's great that there's people out there like you and Madeline really, um, you know, creating this and sharing, sharing solace, like it's, you know, yeah, just passing, passing it on and holding, holding hands in some way.
Speaker: How far has it traveled?
Speaker: Has it left the U S the spider web?
Speaker: So I know for a fact it has, right.
Speaker: But the website doesn't show that, if that makes sense.
Speaker: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker: Well, I'm sure probably not everybody logs in and tracks and does all of that sort of stuff.
Speaker: I found that only like 30 or 40% of people actually log in like right after they get it.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Just because, I mean, I think it's, there's, they just want to know that you can.
Speaker: Yeah, it's, but sure, it's like probably a lot of things.
Speaker: Like I've even, you know, I sign up to and I think, oh, that's a great idea or whatever, but I never actually get around to.
Speaker: Exactly.
Speaker: you know, making it happen or whatever that might be.
Speaker: So all the time.
Speaker: Fantastic.
Speaker: Now, have you, do you, um, yourself speak with any of your clients about their stories?
Speaker: Um, and what does that do for you?
Speaker: Um, in terms of like, does that weigh heavy on you?
Speaker: Do you, are you taking other people's grief home with you?
Speaker: I mean, I get asked that all the time myself.
Speaker: So,
Speaker: You know, it can be hard to be that empath and that absorber, that sponge of everybody's grief.
Speaker: It's great to offer it to be that service, but you need to self-care is huge.
Speaker: Self-care is huge.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: The way to put it.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: I mean, I love to hear other people's stories.
Speaker: And in a convoluted way, I love to share my story because I think it encourages others to share their story.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: And not a lot of people get to share their story of love and loss in a meaningful, not Debbie Downer way.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: You know, I mean, positive, but not Debbie Downer.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Like I'd love to talk about Madeline.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: And people that understand that want to hear about it.
Speaker: But if I go, you know,
Speaker: go and meet someone new, they always ask me, well, how many kids do you have?
Speaker: And then it's like, well, one, and she's dead.
Speaker: And then all of a sudden, the air has been pushed out of the room.
Speaker: And I don't necessarily want to do that to other people, but I also want to say her name.
Speaker: I know that everyone that has experienced a loss does the same thing.
Speaker: That's it.
Speaker: It's so, honestly, it's one of the things I actually end nearly all of my funeral services with is to say their name.
Speaker: Because it's the one thing, especially early on in my career, I heard a lot of people saying is that, you know, everyone's here for me in this week and, you know, he's passed away and everyone is all around me.
Speaker: But a year from now, nobody, you know, that people become afraid to bring up their name and afraid that they're going to pick that scab of grief.
Speaker: But
Speaker: I feel like the scab is always there and it's always bleeding and it's just always going to be.
Speaker: Now at the NFDA, at the women's conference, we did speak about, we were obviously talking about the loss of children, child, and sort of the problem that it is for funeral homes.
Speaker: I was definitely, my eyes were opened in so far as the lack of supplies.
Speaker: I don't want, I mean, it sounds a bit odd to sort of say, but the lack of like,
Speaker: a basic like child sized caskets and things.
Speaker: And I was I was kind of blown away with how unprepared funeral homes were.
Speaker: I mean, I was kind of shocked.
Speaker: I was like, why?
Speaker: Why are we having this conversation?
Speaker: It's 2022.
Speaker: Like, what is why are we still having this conversation?
Speaker: Like, you don't have.
Speaker: I mean, I know you never want to be doing a child's funeral, especially of small, you know, that size.
Speaker: But I was like, how is this not something that you're thinking about?
Speaker: And it was great then to see the ideas.
Speaker: And obviously, I think because it was a women's conference, there w as a lot of mothers there.
Speaker: And so there was a lot of interest in that.
Speaker: But to be honest, I was, as I said, I was kind of shocked and horrified.
Speaker: And I also thought to myself, this needs to be at like the actual NFDA convention.
Speaker: Like the mind blowing, really.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: that it took people having to suggest to other people, oh, you can, you know, um, use their bassinets and, and, and, you know, their, their, their things and their swaddle them in, in their blankets that they, um, what did you choose to do with Madeline, if I may ask?
Speaker: Absolutely.
Speaker: Um, so, um,
Speaker: I don't remember exactly how it came about.
Speaker: My father-in-law is a woodworker and makes beautiful things.
Speaker: And he said, I've always wanted to make a coffin.
Speaker: Can I make Madeline's coffin?
Speaker: Oh God.
Speaker: And honestly, I don't know if it was because we couldn't find it because at that point, like hormones are raging and emotions and grief brain and
Speaker: And I honestly don't know if it was we couldn't find one and he's like, OK, let me do this for you.
Speaker: Or if he came to us, you know.
Speaker: But so my father-in-law actually made her a beautiful little coffin.
Speaker: Oh.
Speaker: And it just.
Speaker: Oh.
Speaker: So meaningful to me.
Speaker: And honestly, I don't, I mean, like I vaguely remember and I seen pictures of it, but like actual memories, not really.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: So we had, we had a full Catholic service for her.
Speaker: Wow.
Speaker: And, and then we had her cremated.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: Because
Speaker: I felt like this is an infant.
Speaker: My Madeline is my daughter and she needs to be with her mom.
Speaker: Grandma and grandpa and, you know, people, adults can take care of themselves.
Speaker: An eight hour old infant needs to be with her mommy.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: And so we had her cremated and she lives on my dresser and I say goodnight to her every night.
Speaker: Oh.
Speaker: And like when I was in Miami, I showed up a couple days, you know, I showed up for the conference.
Speaker: And then a few days later, my husband came and joined me so that we could spend a couple more days.
Speaker: Nice.
Speaker: So while I was in Miami and he was here, Madeline was at home.
Speaker: And then before he got on the plane, Madeline went to grandma's house.
Speaker: Wow.
Speaker: Because Madeline is 12 and 12 year olds cannot stay home alone for four days.
Speaker: Oh gosh.
Speaker: Bless you guys.
Speaker: And I know that some people are like, are you kidding me?
Speaker: That's ridiculous.
Speaker: But we've done that for 12 years.
Speaker: She comes with us and if she can't, she goes to grandma's.
Speaker: And it's... But who... I don't care what people think, to be perfectly honest.
Speaker: This is what I do.
Speaker: To me, it's wild that anybody should even have an opinion of it because...
Speaker: Why?
Speaker: What is it to you?
Speaker: Like, feck off and mind your business.
Speaker: That's become my new phrase.
Speaker: Mind your business.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: My business.
Speaker: Mind your business.
Speaker: Because if you minded your business, it'd be in a lot better shape than, you know, like literally, if people literally looked after their own shit, like it's whatever gets you through, you know.
Speaker: That's why, I mean, these, these,
Speaker: grief support and grief there's so many people out there that are are changing the game for grief for sure um and some in super positive ways and that's what i just don't want it to get don't don't don't and don't right but i do love the narrative of you do you like whatever gets you up in the morning gets you out of the house gets you sharing business supporting others like
Speaker: You know, it's, it's whatever your faith is, whatever your belief is.
Speaker: I mean, you know, as long as you're not hurting anybody else, then mind your business.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: You know, that's exactly how I see it too.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: So, you know,
Speaker: Like what's for you?
Speaker: Even when it comes to memorials and my services, genuinely, I'm like, what's, you know, sometimes when I'm talking to families and it's why I'm such a big fan of a pre-plan actually, because I feel like then it's black and white.
Speaker: This is what, you know, Crystal would have wanted.
Speaker: This is what Jennifer, not even would have, this is what she wanted in Britain here.
Speaker: You know, and you've got siblings that are fighting and sometimes I have to intervene and I'm like, listen, what's for you isn't for her.
Speaker: What's for her isn't for you.
Speaker: Like it's,
Speaker: stop, you know, stop attacking and start thinking about, I know they say like a funeral, it's for the living.
Speaker: Um, I'm on the fence.
Speaker: I personally feel like it's both it's for the living and the dead.
Speaker: Um, yeah, because it's supposed to fully represent the deceased.
Speaker: Like if it's all just about the living, um,
Speaker: then go off and I mean then what like I don't I don't really understand that aspect fully um and I know there was a presentation at the conference that I was yes yes yes I'm not going to mention any you know who was what but I was I was agreeing wholeheartedly and then at one point I went oh
Speaker: I was like, wait, I don't understand.
Speaker: And it was basically a person saying that they'd had this beautiful secular service, but then they found out sort of weeks or months later that the brother or the sister or a family member wanted a Catholic service or something like that.
Speaker: And this person was saying, oh, we should have done that.
Speaker: I'm like, what?
Speaker: Why?
Speaker: If that's not what your mother who's died would have wanted, why are you doing that to appease somebody else?
Speaker: Let them go off to mass.
Speaker: Let them go off and do something in their mom's honor or whatever.
Speaker: Like everyone has their own way of dealing with stuff.
Speaker: But to me, the actual funeral or memorial should be about the person and their connection with everybody.
Speaker: Not, you know.
Speaker: I know exactly what you're talking about because I had the same reaction.
Speaker: Wasn't it?
Speaker: It was like, yes, yes.
Speaker: But also, I never really thought of it that way.
Speaker: Like, I've always thought it's for the dead.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: But like, completely random story that kind of fits.
Speaker: I ran off to Las Vegas and got married to my husband.
Speaker: Nice.
Speaker: Nice.
Speaker: Well, ran off.
Speaker: We planned it for a year and then we ran off to Vegas and had a full Catholic mass on the strip in Sin City.
Speaker: I'm not going to lie.
Speaker: That is amazing.
Speaker: I've never heard of that in my life.
Speaker: That has to be original.
Speaker: There's no way.
Speaker: Like, I've heard of the Elvis weddings.
Speaker: I've heard of all sorts.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: A full Catholic church.
Speaker: We found the one and only Catholic church on the strip.
Speaker: That is hysterical.
Speaker: Because grandmas wanted, I mean, we both grew up Catholic.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: And...
Speaker: felt like that's kind of what needed to be done for the family.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: And also we wanted to go to Vegas.
Speaker: And why not?
Speaker: Oh my God.
Speaker: I love that.
Speaker: But that's it.
Speaker: You know what?
Speaker: And like that's, I used to be a wedding planner and I think that's where I just kind of come at it from a different angle, you know?
Speaker: And that's why I think I'm such a fan of pre-planning.
Speaker: Cause I'm like, if you, like I say the story a million times and my listeners are probably like, Oh, here we go again.
Speaker: But,
Speaker: My poor parents get killed off all the time on this show.
Speaker: But anyway, my mum and I sat down and we did a pre-plan.
Speaker: And it was in that moment how valuable I realised pre-plan was.
Speaker: Because when she dies, I'm going to organise it as her daughter.
Speaker: Well, I'm not now because I have her pre-plan.
Speaker: But
Speaker: I would have organized it as her daughter.
Speaker: Whereas she's my brother's mom, which is a different mom, right?
Speaker: She's a different mom to him because it's just that's what it is.
Speaker: She's a wife.
Speaker: She's a grandmother.
Speaker: She's a best friend.
Speaker: She's a cousin.
Speaker: She's a daughter herself.
Speaker: Like she's a million.
Speaker: She's a neighbor.
Speaker: She's the lady that comes into the post office and has the chats, whatever it is.
Speaker: She's a million different things other than just Jennifer Muldowney's mom.
Speaker: you know and so that's where I think a pre-plan is so important because otherwise you're left to the next of kin organizing it and it's just from one point of view you're lucky if you maybe get three people in the room and okay it's from three different aspects sort of but you're still honing in on certain things you think like my mum picked Maggie Mae um Rod Stewart and I was like what your name's not even Maggie why would we play that and she's like because and I was like
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: You know, like that's it.
Speaker: Not my rodeo, not my, and to me, because of that, her funeral is going to mean something to every single person in there because it's going to represent her.
Speaker: And so that's why it is for the living granted, because we take the solace from it.
Speaker: We take away that beautiful thing.
Speaker: We connect in that moment, but it's about her.
Speaker: So it is about the dead.
Speaker: So yeah,
Speaker: These people who jump on one side of it, I'm like, I don't agree.
Speaker: I think there's a very thin line.
Speaker: It's a tightrope.
Speaker: Yes, exactly.
Speaker: Because I do believe that ceremony and ritual and those things like Dr. Alan Welfall talks about, those are for the living and those are to help you begin to heal.
Speaker: And also the person that like it was my wedding.
Speaker: I'm in charge.
Speaker: It is your funeral.
Speaker: You're in charge.
Speaker: Yeah, exactly.
Speaker: And if you can't speak from the grave, well, then a pre-plan will do that for you.
Speaker: Exactly.
Speaker: Yeah, it's it's yeah, it's funny.
Speaker: It's funny because I think there were quite a few people at that show that were like, yeah, wait, what?
Speaker: This took it.
Speaker: This took a nasty U-turn.
Speaker: What's going on here?
Speaker: I mean, and I think that was kind of the.
Speaker: crazy end of the spectrum yeah like no let's go full catholic that's it it was like let's like mom wants pure secular like doesn't want anything church and then oh but no two siblings want like what
Speaker: Yeah, it made, and thankfully, mom, I believe from what she said, the mom got what she wanted.
Speaker: This was more hindsight.
Speaker: And so I was like, I don't really understand that thinking, but okay, you know.
Speaker: And that's what a pre-plan is for.
Speaker: Yes, that's exactly it.
Speaker: But that's what I did love about the conference was while it was like-minded people getting together, because to be honest, it was all women.
Speaker: And that even was an interesting dynamic.
Speaker: And I spoke about this with a few people was I've been to the NFDA, the annual conventions and
Speaker: I've felt very uncomfortable around a lot of females, actually, to be honest.
Speaker: I feel like it's a very competitive environment.
Speaker: And I was always kind of like, oh, wow, okay.
Speaker: All right.
Speaker: And made friends.
Speaker: Anyway, it's fine.
Speaker: But going to the women's conference, I felt so supported.
Speaker: So everyone wanted to get to know me.
Speaker: Everyone wanted to share their stories.
Speaker: It was just so much more connected.
Speaker: It was just like a totally different dynamic.
Speaker: I couldn't actually get over it.
Speaker: And so I'm interested now for the friends I've made going to the NFDA now in October or whatever.
Speaker: Will I be different?
Speaker: Will there be a change?
Speaker: um is there you know a reason why when men are around us we suddenly get competitive i don't know i mean listen i'm a female i'm i'm ready to open i hope my hand up if if there is and maybe it's just sort of something because it is it's a very old white man antiquated industry it's you know it's that's what it is and so maybe there is a reason you know we're kind we're trying to
Speaker: clutch on to whatever little bit of territory we've got so maybe when we're in that national everyone is there um annual convention maybe it does get a bit sort of like no I've got to hold on to what I've got you know um I don't know it was just fascinating from a psychology point of view I was just like this is interesting everything changes when there's a big dick in the room I mean no totally fine I kept laughing I kept going there's a cock in the hen house remember that one guy's like there's a cock in the hen house why is he here
Speaker: No, it's so true.
Speaker: It was weird.
Speaker: And actually, out of few of the girls, I personally didn't necessarily feel it.
Speaker: Well, I did a little bit, and I'll come back to that in a minute.
Speaker: But a lot of the girls said they felt a lot safer.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: I thought that was kind of fascinating.
Speaker: And I so I did say that I didn't necessarily feel safer.
Speaker: But what I did notice was I was less concerned about my outfit choices.
Speaker: So when I go to the NFDA now, I usually don't.
Speaker: To be honest, I'm I'll usually just wear what I want when I'm pretty like Saja.
Speaker: you know yeah middle finger to the whatever um but I am conscious like I am day to day working in this industry and you know it's out of respect for other people and everything you know I'm making myself sound like an absolute slut but anyway but I'm kind of I'm conscious of you know showing too much leg or too much boob you know and especially when you go on a night out and stuff I didn't feel that that's one thing I definitely noticed like when I went on that well I my burnt arse so it wasn't my choices to what to wear were limited but
Speaker: But when we went on that boat, I wore a cute dress, a cute kind of outfit that, you know, didn't necessarily, you know, had a bit of both.
Speaker: But I didn't feel like, oh, God, am I showing too much?
Speaker: Oh, God.
Speaker: Like, there was a safety there, I felt.
Speaker: So, yeah, it was just, as I said, first time going, I just, I noticed a lot of interesting things where I was like, hmm, okay.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: You know, and not necessarily bad things, just interesting.
Speaker: You know, I'm sure when guys all get together, there's the same thing for them.
Speaker: I did have to laugh.
Speaker: I did mention it to a friend, a male friend of mine in the industry.
Speaker: I said, you know, I'm going to a women's conference.
Speaker: And he was like, geez, he was like, if I organize an all males conference.
Speaker: And I said, the irony is not lost for me.
Speaker: I am well aware.
Speaker: But what I wanted to say was, isn't that just the annual one?
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: You do that every year and have since 1927 or whatever.
Speaker: Yeah, exactly.
Speaker: I'm like, listen, Linda, pipe down in the corner.
Speaker: No, I have to say fair dues to them.
Speaker: It was really, really good.
Speaker: I have to say.
Speaker: And I will definitely be going every year as long as I can.
Speaker: I felt very I felt like I made great connections I thought Jodie Dr Jodie Carrington was incredible speaker I think that's when you you were like I hear because I think I was like I was very excited talking to her at one point so yeah I just think if there's any female funeral directors out there listening to this at all or interested in the industry yes go go go try and
Speaker: you know, get on board in some way, shape or form, because even just, and I don't know how open it is to, you know, non-NFDA members.
Speaker: I must actually inquire about that because you're not.
Speaker: And you were, you just bought a ticket.
Speaker: They gave me a ticket.
Speaker: I got a scholarship.
Speaker: Oh my gosh.
Speaker: Even better.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: That's amazing.
Speaker: And I think that's the only conference that you can receive a scholarship for and not be licensed in some
Speaker: yeah that's that's good to know because I feel like there's people who are sitting on business ideas or you know and female and and just wanting to maybe even just you know dip their toes in or maybe they've got something small and it's only budding in whatever part of the world they're from um yeah I just think it's great to get everybody together and to bounce ideas off and as I said like I didn't agree with everybody everyone didn't agree with me but that's not what it's about it's actually about like
Speaker: hearing other people's thoughts and even those presentations and stuff and you know there were some as I said conversations had where it was like wow you know not having the children's caskets and that whole part for me was wild yeah you know I just thought god I'm not a mom
Speaker: I have never had a miscarriage.
Speaker: I've never had, I've never been pregnant.
Speaker: I've never had anything like that.
Speaker: Depending on who you talk to, I'm a mom or not.
Speaker: So, well, yeah, it's, yeah, it's, that's a tragedy to be honest.
Speaker: But, um, it's, every woman has their own journey with it.
Speaker: You know, for me,
Speaker: will I ever have kids?
Speaker: I don't know.
Speaker: You know, will, and that's just a case of, I haven't found the right person.
Speaker: And I, for me, for me, for my journey, I wouldn't go down the IVF, you know, I wouldn't go down the route on my own, the route on my own.
Speaker: And so it sometimes can be tough in circles where everyone's moms and everyone's talking about da, da, da, you know, and it's, we're all, we're all dealing with it in our own different ways.
Speaker: And similarly, you know, when I go home to Ireland or whatever it is, it's,
Speaker: oh, have you not found anybody?
Speaker: But you're so lovely.
Speaker: And, you know, then if you are dating with somebody, it's like, well, when are you getting married?
Speaker: You know, when are you getting engaged?
Speaker: Then when are you getting married?
Speaker: Then when are you having kids?
Speaker: When are your kids having kids?
Speaker: And it's just, it is human nature.
Speaker: And I guess we have to be a little kinder and more compassionate to the people who do that generic stuff.
Speaker: But it can be hard.
Speaker: You know, it can hit at the wrong time.
Speaker: And I'm sure over the last 12 years in whatever situation,
Speaker: capacity people ask you those bloody stupid questions and you're just like no but thanks for yeah my favorite is have you thought about adoption what's adoption i've never heard of it before
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: Ding dong.
Speaker: I thought of it.
Speaker: And it's so bad because it really is.
Speaker: It's people trying to help.
Speaker: There's a friend of mine who I actually want to get on the podcast, but she moved home to Ireland and I'm still hoping to get her on.
Speaker: But the woman has she's she's has twins, two Berkeley healthy twins, but she went through rounds and rounds and rounds of IVF and miscarriages and stuff.
Speaker: and she got diagnosed with cancer when the kids were like two and she's gone through so much with that i don't know how she still stands like i really don't she is a powerhouse incredible woman but you know her instagram is so funny because it's like she addresses all this stuff like you know stop saying certain things to cancer patients and a bit like what you just said they're like stop saying that
Speaker: And I think no matter what every person's journey is, there's things that there's a list a mile long of things that irritate them.
Speaker: Will they ever stop?
Speaker: I doubt it.
Speaker: Because it really is.
Speaker: It's people coming from a nice place.
Speaker: They're trying to help in sort of the wrong, awkward way.
Speaker: And, you know, I think we all just have to be compassionate.
Speaker: And I think, again, it's just really being there physically for people and showing up.
Speaker: Have you heard of the concept of Hinlan's razor?
Speaker: I have not.
Speaker: I'm going to look it up.
Speaker: Because if I don't read it verbatim, I will mess it up.
Speaker: Mess it up.
Speaker: That's like me with I'm terrible with jokes.
Speaker: I have one joke and that's it.
Speaker: And once I heard this, my mind was blown because it's just snarky enough that it fits my personality.
Speaker: So Hanlon's razor is never a tribute to malice, that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
Speaker: That...
Speaker: quote is getting put in all of the show notes that's incredible because that's exactly it that is it's like as long I learned this a long time ago if somebody says something mean to you or asks you a stupid question or something like that it's like is this about me or is it about them is it is this coming from a place of compassion or stupidity or like did they really mean to put a dagger through my heart in what they said there
Speaker: 99%, no, they didn't mean to put a dagger.
Speaker: They might be having a shitty day themselves, whatever it might be.
Speaker: You know, we're all humans at the end of the day.
Speaker: We are flawed human beings.
Speaker: So, well, what a positive note to end on.
Speaker: We are flawed human beings.
Speaker: That's it.
Speaker: We're done.
Speaker: Glam Reaper is done.
Speaker: Crystal, it has been amazing having you on the show and sharing your story.
Speaker: Thank you so much.
Speaker: We are going to put all of your information down below so that people can reach out if they need.
Speaker: I'm sure there's people listening.
Speaker: Or even just if they want.
Speaker: They don't need to.
Speaker: They can just want to.
Speaker: Exactly.
Speaker: That's absolutely true.
Speaker: And they may not even be going through anything, but they may just want to reach out and say hi and tell, you know, you what a wonderful guest you were.
Speaker: I hope that happens, actually.
Speaker: So thank you for sharing your story, because I'm sure there's somebody out there who it will sit with.
Speaker: And they may, you know, as I say, it can be just a tiny piece of glitter in the room that just sparks a tiny bit of light when you're in the darkness.
Speaker: So
Speaker: That's all we can ever aim for.
Speaker: So thank you.
Speaker: Thank you so much for joining us and we wish you all the best.
Speaker: So that was Crystal from Solace.
Speaker: I'm sure it touched definitely a lot of people out there who've been through a similar journey as she has.
Speaker: Pretty heartbreaking stuff to ever have to go through.
Speaker: And I think Crystal is really brave for sharing her story with us and sharing her story through her business.
Speaker: So give her some support.
Speaker: All the links are below.
Speaker: And we look forward to talking to you next episode.
Speaker: Ciao for now.
