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Crystal Webster: Sharing Solace in Times of Grief
7 Plays3 years ago
Sometimes your grief is aggravated by people who, in spite of coming from a sincere place of wanting to support, are not really helping. They say things that are not supposed to be told to a grieving person, when really they are just trying to help in their wrong, awkward way. When we are supporting someone who is grieving, we just need to understand that they are clouded with emotions and can sometimes act irrational.
Sharing Solace was officially launched May 19, 2018, on the 8th birthday of Crystal Webster’s daughter Madelyn Elizabeth, who died in her arms just after 8 beautiful hours of giving birth to her. In this episode of the Glam Reaper Podcast, Crystal tells Jennifer that the idea of Sharing Solace was from Madelyn, at a time when she felt that she was ready to begin to heal and help others do the same.
If you’re going through a difficult phase in your grieving journey, this episode is your reminder that it's OK to feel lost and it is OK to want extra support. Enjoy!
LITTLE NUGGETS OF GOLD:
- Crystal’s painful journey of loss
- How Crystal came out of the dark place and started the business of helping those who grieve heal
- The flagship locket set from Sharing Solace and their mission for people in grief
- How Crystal is able to work with people who share their stories of grief
- The problem most funeral homes have when it comes to arranging children's funerals
- The importance of pre-planning your funeral
- Jennifer’s experience every time she attends the Professional Women's Conference by NFDA (National Funeral Directors Association)
- The Hanlon's Razor concept
Resources:
Signs: The Secret Language of the Universe, by Laura Lynne Jackson (https://www.amazon.com/Signs-Language-Laura-Lynne-Jackson/dp/0399591613)
Connect with Crystal Webster of Sharing Solace:
Website - https://sharingsolace.com/
Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/SharingSolace
Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/sharingsolace/
Connect with Jennifer/The Glam Reaper:
Facebook Page - Muldowney Memorials: https://www.facebook.com/MuldowneyMemorials/
Facebook Page - Rainbow Bridge Memorials: https://www.facebook.com/rainbowbridgememorialsdotcom
Instagram - @muldowneymemorials & @jennifermuldowney
Twitter - @TheGlamReaper
Email us here: glamreaperpodcast@gmail.com
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Transcript
Introduction and Guest Background
00:00:00
Speaker
Hi and welcome to another episode of the Glam Reaper podcast.
00:00:03
Speaker
I'm your host, Jennifer Muldenny, aka the Glam Reaper herself, who is currently suffering from seriously frizzy hair situation.
00:00:10
Speaker
Thanks, America, New York summers.
00:00:14
Speaker
I don't think it's American all around.
00:00:15
Speaker
It's definitely New York summers.
00:00:17
Speaker
Anyway, let's move on with the episode.
00:00:19
Speaker
Nobody needs to hear about my dramas.
00:00:23
Speaker
On this episode, we are talking to a gorgeous girl who has been through a fairly traumatic
00:00:28
Speaker
journey herself, but has come out the other side and is trying to help others who might have been in the same boat to do the same.
00:00:36
Speaker
So let's take it away for this episode.
00:00:48
Speaker
So hi everybody and welcome to another episode of the Glam Reaper podcast.
The Mission of Sharing Solace
00:00:52
Speaker
I'm your host Jennifer Muldowney and we have another exciting episode today.
00:00:57
Speaker
So we have a beautiful girl with a beautiful name, Crystal, and she is going to share some solace with us with her company Sharing Solace.
00:01:05
Speaker
So it is going to touch a few people but that's what this episode is all about.
00:01:10
Speaker
So Crystal, welcome.
00:01:11
Speaker
Hello, hello.
00:01:12
Speaker
Hello.
00:01:13
Speaker
No, so nice to see you again.
00:01:16
Speaker
So Crystal, I met you at the NFDA Women's Conference in Miami, where I seem to announce to everybody that I burned my tushy, which is a classic.
00:01:25
Speaker
If anybody knows, has ever met me in any realm of...
00:01:29
Speaker
of sun holiday I always seem to burn my ass cheeks but anyway that is not what we were there to do um we it was actually it was such a brilliant conference it was my first time going and I was obsessed it was just so good to have so many women in a room like-minded not like-minded like it was great to just sort of hash things out with people who taught totally different to you
00:01:52
Speaker
um but that's how you and I met and actually I believe it was uh you overheard my accent from across the crowded room um hilarious and um but in all seriousness though what is it that you do um and because I know you'd spoken you stood up and spoke um at it was a pretty harrowing conversation we were having um and so yeah tell us about sharing solace yeah
00:02:17
Speaker
Well, yeah.
00:02:18
Speaker
So I did hear you from across the room and I was like, I don't care what you're saying.
00:02:22
Speaker
I just have to listen to you.
00:02:26
Speaker
Well, thank you.
00:02:26
Speaker
I appreciate that.
00:02:29
Speaker
You can talk about anything and I'm just like, oh, fangirl.
00:02:33
Speaker
I can read a book.
00:02:34
Speaker
Maybe that's what I should do for this podcast.
00:02:35
Speaker
Just read books.
00:02:36
Speaker
Yeah.
00:02:37
Speaker
Oh, that's a good one.
00:02:38
Speaker
Yeah.
00:02:39
Speaker
I'm from the Midwest.
00:02:40
Speaker
So I have the non-accent accent.
00:02:43
Speaker
Yeah.
00:02:46
Speaker
Like I've been told that people come to the Midwest to learn to not have an accent.
00:02:52
Speaker
Wow.
00:02:52
Speaker
Really?
00:02:53
Speaker
Like all the, I want to say podcasters, but not podcasters, like newscasters and stuff.
00:02:58
Speaker
There's a lot of, yeah.
00:03:00
Speaker
They come to just sort of neutralize their accent.
00:03:03
Speaker
That's interesting.
00:03:04
Speaker
I don't think I need to neutralize mine anymore.
00:03:06
Speaker
Cause I feel like it's neutralized enough without losing the good stuff.
00:03:10
Speaker
I was home recently and my dad nearly killed me because I said trash.
00:03:16
Speaker
Yeah, we call it, if you've got rubbish, like a can or something, it's rubbish.
00:03:21
Speaker
It's not trash.
00:03:22
Speaker
It's rubbish and it goes in the bin.
00:03:23
Speaker
It's not trash that goes into a trash can.
00:03:25
Speaker
So he nearly popped.
00:03:28
Speaker
I can't ever lose.
00:03:29
Speaker
I will always say vitamins, never vitamins, tomatoes, never tomatoes.
00:03:33
Speaker
There's certain things.
00:03:35
Speaker
The rest of it, I can say 2.30 and he doesn't give out to me too much.
00:03:39
Speaker
But so the Midwest, wow, I never knew that.
00:03:43
Speaker
That's crazy.
00:03:44
Speaker
I mean, that's the rumor I've heard.
00:03:46
Speaker
I've never actually looked it up or anything.
00:03:48
Speaker
Yeah, yeah.
00:03:49
Speaker
Well, I know quite a few people from Fox News, so now I'm going to inquire.
00:03:53
Speaker
I'm going to be like, put out like this.
00:03:55
Speaker
That's really interesting.
00:03:56
Speaker
But that's not what you do.
00:03:59
Speaker
That's not your journey.
00:04:00
Speaker
So your journey...
Crystal's Personal Journey and Loss
00:04:04
Speaker
It's a tough one, but I feel like there's a lot of people out there who've gone through it or going through it currently, and it's something that needs to be broadcast.
00:04:12
Speaker
Yeah.
00:04:14
Speaker
So my journey started in 2010.
00:04:19
Speaker
I was 32 weeks pregnant with my first child, Madeline Elizabeth, and went in for a routine ultrasound and heard the words that no one should ever have to hear.
00:04:32
Speaker
Something's not right.
00:04:33
Speaker
I'm going to go get the doctor.
00:04:36
Speaker
And, you know, I mean, 10 years ago, I could have spouted off all the medical jargon and all the everything.
00:04:47
Speaker
But we found out that we were not going to have a happy, healthy baby.
00:04:53
Speaker
We didn't know exactly what that meant or what it looked like, but we knew that
00:04:58
Speaker
You know, all parents say, oh, I just want happy and healthy.
00:05:00
Speaker
Like, literally, that's all I wanted was happy and healthy.
00:05:06
Speaker
So at 36 weeks, I gave birth through emergency C-section to my daughter, Madeline Elizabeth.
00:05:14
Speaker
She lived for eight beautiful hours and then she died in my arms the next day.
00:05:21
Speaker
Yeah, obviously, I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.
00:05:27
Speaker
And also I think it's made me a more human human.
00:05:33
Speaker
I'm better.
00:05:33
Speaker
I'm more compassionate.
00:05:34
Speaker
I'm, you know, like all the, I don't want to say happier because that's, I'm a different kind of happy.
00:05:43
Speaker
Yeah.
00:05:44
Speaker
You probably find happiness in the moments, the small moments.
00:05:47
Speaker
Yes.
00:05:48
Speaker
You're probably a lot more present than people are today.
00:05:51
Speaker
Yeah.
00:05:51
Speaker
At least I try to be.
00:05:53
Speaker
Yeah, I do think experiencing death and I know people working with death, it really does.
00:06:04
Speaker
It touches you in, I don't want to say it sounds weird to say, it touches you in parts that you never knew you had.
00:06:12
Speaker
It's, yeah, it just, it makes life, it shows life in all its delicacy and how precious it really is.
00:06:21
Speaker
Jesus, I can't even imagine.
00:06:24
Speaker
I mean, eight hours.
00:06:26
Speaker
And did you know you'd have eight hours?
00:06:28
Speaker
No.
00:06:29
Speaker
We
Grieving Process and Support
00:06:32
Speaker
didn't know anything.
00:06:32
Speaker
We knew she could be stillborn.
00:06:35
Speaker
We knew she could survive.
00:06:39
Speaker
We knew nothing.
00:06:41
Speaker
We just knew that long term, she wouldn't make it very long.
00:06:47
Speaker
Was that hours, days, weeks, months?
00:06:49
Speaker
We didn't know.
00:06:53
Speaker
Yeah.
00:06:54
Speaker
And I mean, there's, there's a lot being 12 years past that point.
00:07:03
Speaker
I've found a lot of silver linings in it.
00:07:09
Speaker
You know, there's nothing good about that situation there.
00:07:13
Speaker
And also I'm lucky that I had two weeks from the time I found out to the time she was born.
00:07:22
Speaker
You know, I'm,
00:07:24
Speaker
I could go on and on about all the things that I found silver linings in.
00:07:30
Speaker
And it's,
00:07:31
Speaker
it's so hard to say in the moment.
00:07:36
Speaker
It's so, there's a friend of mine who was going through a divorce and when she was really raw, it came to her as a complete and utter shock.
00:07:45
Speaker
And I remember her actually saying, I mean, she went through a very, very dark time.
00:07:48
Speaker
She at one point said, you know, I nearly would prefer if he died because it just would have made it easier.
00:07:54
Speaker
Whereas this is just, he's gone on living, rejecting, you know, it's just, it's,
00:07:59
Speaker
Her whole world turned upside down.
00:08:00
Speaker
But what I'm getting to is that it made me laugh.
00:08:03
Speaker
We laugh about it now.
00:08:05
Speaker
But at the time, you know, she was going through it.
00:08:08
Speaker
And like so many people and so many families and friends that I come across who want to help, you know, and that's really what it comes down to.
00:08:15
Speaker
Human beings just trying to help.
00:08:17
Speaker
And when somebody has gone through a loss that is incomprehensible,
00:08:22
Speaker
you're just trying to do everything.
00:08:24
Speaker
You're grasping at straws.
00:08:25
Speaker
And I know there's a lot of people out there that are kind of, you know, standing on these hills of, well, don't ever say this to a grieving person.
00:08:31
Speaker
Don't do this.
00:08:32
Speaker
And don't do this.
00:08:33
Speaker
And don't do this.
00:08:34
Speaker
And I'm like, oh, I just, I don't want us to get too, I don't want us to get too afraid to do anything.
00:08:40
Speaker
And I remember, and I, cause I will hold my hands up.
00:08:44
Speaker
I've messed up
00:08:46
Speaker
in many ways you know with my grieving friends yeah yeah it's just it's you're trying your best you're trying your best and it's whatever way it's received but um in this case of my friend um you know I started being like look he wasn't the guy for you this is happening for a reason you know this was wrong this was wrong and you know
00:09:06
Speaker
I was trying to be sort of pull her out of this dark hole that she was just digging and digging, digging further down.
00:09:11
Speaker
And I was obviously scared I'd lose her and stuff.
00:09:13
Speaker
And I just remember we laugh at it as I said now, but I just remember her turn around and be like, Jen, I do not need positive poly right now.
00:09:21
Speaker
I do not need positive poly.
00:09:22
Speaker
And she was like, I love you.
00:09:24
Speaker
I was like, okay, okay, I'll come back to you in a year.
00:09:27
Speaker
Like I said, you know, I'll, you know, fridge magneties for now and I'll come back.
00:09:33
Speaker
And so it's amazing to find those silver linings.
00:09:36
Speaker
It really, like, it really is.
00:09:37
Speaker
And you have to find them in your own time.
00:09:38
Speaker
And again, you know, people offering condolences and I know I've heard some of the worst ones, well, like at least you have another child and at least.
00:09:48
Speaker
Anything that starts with at least.
00:09:50
Speaker
You start, you use those two words, I'm probably going to punch you.
00:09:53
Speaker
Yeah.
00:09:54
Speaker
Yeah.
00:09:54
Speaker
It's like, oh, and you know, again, it's like people are just trying, but it's like, sometimes I do just want to be like, just try harder or just say nothing.
00:10:05
Speaker
I mean, honestly, I found in working with grieving families, honestly, say nothing, say nothing, just hug them, hold their hand, stand beside them, like whatever it is, bring food, bring booze.
00:10:18
Speaker
I mean, you know, that's questionable.
00:10:21
Speaker
As an Irish person, like, eh, yeah.
00:10:24
Speaker
I'd appreciate it.
00:10:24
Speaker
Hey, I'm Swedish.
00:10:26
Speaker
Yeah, I'm just like, eh.
00:10:27
Speaker
And a little German.
00:10:28
Speaker
So I'm like, vodka, beer, you bring it, I'll drink it.
00:10:31
Speaker
It's like, don't bring a lot.
00:10:32
Speaker
Like, don't make it a thing.
00:10:34
Speaker
But like, you know, sometimes it helps.
00:10:37
Speaker
But it's about facilitating them to be able to talk about it if that's where they want to talk about it.
00:10:41
Speaker
So, you know, I've met families who, there was a gorgeous couple I worked with who they'd only just gotten married and he got terminal cancer.
00:10:49
Speaker
I mean, he was gone within a month.
00:10:51
Speaker
It was just...
00:10:53
Speaker
heartbreaking and actually I just did a service this morning as I was saying to you and they were an 80 year old couple and at the end of it I was bawling crying now I wasn't ridiculous but I was like you know I couldn't keep the the the tears um I couldn't keep them in in the tear ducts um and I said I'm really sorry I said I just I am a sucker for a love story like I just people that find each other I and and and have
00:11:20
Speaker
being together for 70 years and stuff, I'm just, and then one of them loses the other, I'm like, oh my God, I can't even cope.
00:11:26
Speaker
And here with this particular couple, they'd only had a year together.
00:11:30
Speaker
I mean, it was heartbreaking.
00:11:32
Speaker
And they were so in love and it was just so amazing.
00:11:35
Speaker
And they were just so beautiful.
00:11:38
Speaker
But it actually, I had a conversation with her one day and, you know, I'm single.
00:11:43
Speaker
And she just turned around.
00:11:44
Speaker
She was like, Jen, I really hope you even get what I got.
00:11:48
Speaker
She said, I'm so grateful to have had that year with him.
00:11:51
Speaker
She said, I know how lucky I am.
00:11:53
Speaker
And I've shivers now.
00:11:55
Speaker
I know.
00:11:56
Speaker
I was just like, it's, I just said to her, I was like, wow, that is, that takes such great, such courage to just,
00:12:07
Speaker
To know that, like, that's such an incredible thing to be able to say in that moment of loss, you know?
00:12:17
Speaker
And so, like, even for you to be able to say, I had two weeks to process and all the other silver linings that you maybe found.
00:12:26
Speaker
And I'm sure one of them is you're now business.
00:12:30
Speaker
So you're now supporting others.
Inspiration and Concept of Sharing Solace
00:12:32
Speaker
So tell us about that.
00:12:33
Speaker
Like, how did losing her...
00:12:38
Speaker
And how long did that take, you know, into moving into, and how did you come across, how did you find your way?
00:12:44
Speaker
Yeah.
00:12:46
Speaker
So I was in a very dark place for a very long time, as I think most people are.
00:12:51
Speaker
Like, I don't say that to be like, mine was the worst.
00:12:54
Speaker
I really believe that if you have something traumatic that happens to you, you end up in a dark place for a while.
00:13:01
Speaker
Yeah.
00:13:04
Speaker
And so I actually was...
00:13:07
Speaker
I tell people I was living my life waiting to die for like five years because of Madeline.
00:13:17
Speaker
There were so many hurdles and things that we, you know, we, we'd get a silver ray of light and then something else would happen.
00:13:26
Speaker
And to this day, Madeline is our one and only child.
00:13:33
Speaker
And that,
00:13:34
Speaker
went into the grief and the guilt and all of those things.
00:13:38
Speaker
And so that's, I mean, I don't want to say it was all Madeline, but it was all Madeline.
00:13:43
Speaker
Like I was really, really in a dark place for five years.
00:13:50
Speaker
And then one day, almost like five years to the day, um, I woke up and I was like, okay, I either need to fish or cut bait here.
00:13:59
Speaker
I'm either going to live or I'm going to die.
00:14:00
Speaker
Because I don't mind making myself miserable.
00:14:03
Speaker
Like that's the life I've chosen for myself.
00:14:08
Speaker
But the people around me, I'm making them miserable and they don't deserve that.
00:14:17
Speaker
And almost instantly, like a bolt of lightning,
00:14:23
Speaker
the concept of sharing solace came to me.
00:14:25
Speaker
And I really, really believe that it was Madeline up there saying, mom, it's about freaking time that you got over your pity party.
00:14:34
Speaker
Let's do this.
00:14:37
Speaker
And I, I said, okay.
00:14:41
Speaker
All right.
00:14:44
Speaker
You know, like, like any mom to a five-year-old would do like fine, whatever.
00:14:49
Speaker
Oh, I guess.
00:14:52
Speaker
And that's where it came from.
00:14:54
Speaker
That's where Sharon's... And I honestly believe that it's all her doing.
00:14:59
Speaker
Wow.
00:15:00
Speaker
Because I'm not smart enough.
00:15:01
Speaker
I'm not creative enough.
00:15:03
Speaker
Like, this is her saying, this is what we're doing now.
00:15:07
Speaker
I'm just a puppet doing what I'm told.
00:15:10
Speaker
As woohoo-y as that sounds.
00:15:13
Speaker
Well, I mean...
00:15:15
Speaker
Yeah, look, there's people going to be listening to this that won't agree with that.
00:15:18
Speaker
I meet them all.
00:15:20
Speaker
I meet all different types.
00:15:21
Speaker
But, you know, I can tell you this.
00:15:23
Speaker
Every family I work with, whether it's as a celebrant or memorial planner,
00:15:29
Speaker
There's definitely signs.
00:15:30
Speaker
Now, whether you believe it's a spiritual thing or it's just coincidental and you're honed into things.
00:15:37
Speaker
Honestly, to me, I'm like, it doesn't it doesn't matter.
00:15:40
Speaker
It doesn't really.
00:15:41
Speaker
It's just like like even a small thing.
00:15:43
Speaker
And I was laughing with the guys that did the service with today.
00:15:47
Speaker
small thing but I was wearing a green dress today like that was it that was what was happening right I had it laid you know I had it laid out and for whatever different reasons you know things that happened I put on a
00:16:02
Speaker
I put on trousers, put on pants as you guys call them, which makes me laugh.
00:16:07
Speaker
I put on trousers and a black shirt and that's what I wore instead.
00:16:12
Speaker
And when I arrived at the funeral home, the bride, almost to your colour, the wife of the deceased was in the exact same green colour dress.
00:16:24
Speaker
Not even joking.
00:16:25
Speaker
And it was his favourite colour and favourite dress.
00:16:29
Speaker
And I told her, I said, I was literally going to look, you know, be a carbon copy in terms of dress.
00:16:35
Speaker
And I said, some whatever happened, you know, and again, it was it was things and it was a feeling.
00:16:40
Speaker
It was whatever, whatever it was, I decided against it.
00:16:43
Speaker
And I said, that was him telling me, no, no, no, you don't get to steal the show from my lady.
00:16:50
Speaker
That to me, I was like.
00:16:52
Speaker
You had to be the, cause she was Irish as well.
00:16:53
Speaker
I was like, you had to be the lady in green.
00:16:56
Speaker
That was, that was, that was what was happening.
00:16:58
Speaker
And I've had so many just random things.
00:17:00
Speaker
Like I've had, I've been doing a service for a Tiffany and breakfast at Tiffany's, the song comes on and I'm like, what?
00:17:05
Speaker
You know, it's, it's, and I haven't heard that song in maybe two decades or however old it is, you know?
00:17:10
Speaker
It's crazy things like that.
00:17:12
Speaker
So I'd well believe that she's guiding you.
00:17:15
Speaker
And, you know, people can think it's woo, whatever.
00:17:19
Speaker
Honestly, the way I look, I say I don't care.
00:17:21
Speaker
Like, if you don't believe it, it's fine.
00:17:23
Speaker
I just know the things that happen and surround me.
00:17:26
Speaker
And there's an incredible book called The Signs that actually...
00:17:30
Speaker
tells you about all of this and how to hone into it and stuff um like me and my mum have this kind of random connection about we see 11 11 and 1 11's everywhere and you know we text each other you know she'll see it obviously five hours ahead in Ireland and text it to me and then I'll suddenly see it and so we have this kind of a we're seeing it four times a day nearly but um
00:17:49
Speaker
But it's amazing that you took something, which I do find actually at the women's conference, I did notice that, how a lot of women who weren't born into it came from a place of heartbreak or loss.
00:18:01
Speaker
I mean, even myself, I did.
00:18:03
Speaker
You know, came from seeing something that we didn't feel was quite right, didn't fit, whatever it was, or loss or, yeah, it was just, there was a lot of compassion and emotion in the room, I felt.
00:18:14
Speaker
And when you stood up, whew,
00:18:16
Speaker
Yeah, that was... Because as you announced, well, you kind of told us all because the following week was Mother's Day.
00:18:23
Speaker
And as you said, well, guys, I don't know if any of you know, which was terrible because the industry we work in, was that it was National Bereaved Mother's Day.
00:18:35
Speaker
You know, and how many of us didn't know about that?
00:18:37
Speaker
So what does Sharing Solace do?
00:18:40
Speaker
What does it provide?
00:18:41
Speaker
What's the support that it gives to people?
00:18:44
Speaker
So we started with...
00:18:46
Speaker
a locket set.
00:18:49
Speaker
I'm wearing the necklace because I always wear the necklace.
00:18:52
Speaker
We'll get a photo of that and we'll put it up on the YouTube.
00:18:56
Speaker
And the idea is that you keep it near your heart as long as it brings you comfort.
00:19:02
Speaker
However long that is.
00:19:04
Speaker
And when it starts to not bring you that same comfort, it symbolizes that you're ready to release the debilitating grief.
00:19:12
Speaker
The I don't want to get out of bed, the living your life waiting to die kind of grief.
00:19:16
Speaker
That's when you open up the locket, take out the middle token, put that middle token into a new locket, and you pay that new locket forward onto somebody else you know that needs love and support as they're going along their own grief journey.
00:19:30
Speaker
And each of these tokens actually has a unique identifier inscribed on the back that allows you to register it on the website and you can follow it as it moves from person to person.
00:19:43
Speaker
Wow.
00:19:45
Speaker
So yeah, and that was all her idea.
00:19:47
Speaker
I was like.
00:19:48
Speaker
That's very cool.
00:19:50
Speaker
So, so you buy this locket and this token and are there different tokens or there, how does that?
00:19:59
Speaker
Yeah, you get to just, you know, like, do you want the round one or the square one?
00:20:04
Speaker
And what word do you want inscribed on it?
00:20:07
Speaker
And right now we just have one token, but you can twist it in different ways to make it look like what you want it to look like.
00:20:14
Speaker
Oh, wow.
00:20:15
Speaker
And it's just a little like, I look at it and see this is the topsy turvies ups and downs of grief.
00:20:24
Speaker
You know, sometimes you're up and sometimes you're down and sometimes you're upside down.
00:20:27
Speaker
And the stages aren't chronological one by one.
00:20:33
Speaker
Let's go through this.
00:20:34
Speaker
Yeah.
00:20:35
Speaker
It doesn't exist.
00:20:36
Speaker
So it's very symbolic and whatever you see in it is what you're supposed to see in it.
00:20:42
Speaker
Right.
00:20:43
Speaker
And so you have it.
00:20:45
Speaker
And once you feel you're ready not to move on, but you're ready to allow your heart to maybe start healing.
00:20:51
Speaker
And as you said, it's less debilitating.
00:20:54
Speaker
You pass it on to somebody else.
00:20:55
Speaker
And so it goes on this little journey.
00:20:57
Speaker
That's amazing.
00:20:58
Speaker
And have you what have you is there a journey, a wild journey you've seen that's maybe traveled all over the world or something similar?
00:21:06
Speaker
Is there?
00:21:06
Speaker
So on the website, you can actually, we call it the token tree, but really it looks more like a spider web.
00:21:13
Speaker
Right.
00:21:14
Speaker
So they all start in the middle and then you can follow it as it goes from person to person.
00:21:21
Speaker
And so you'll see like me, I've actually had several because I get one and then I pass it on and then someone gets one and they give it to me and then I pass it on.
00:21:29
Speaker
And you have all these ins and outs.
00:21:33
Speaker
It's just...
00:21:34
Speaker
You know, and you can read other people's stories and you can share your story and whatever you want to.
00:21:41
Speaker
But there's just something very powerful about being able to visualize that you're not alone.
00:21:47
Speaker
Right.
00:21:48
Speaker
I was just about to say, it's really not about the physical token.
00:21:51
Speaker
It's about the support circle that it is.
00:21:53
Speaker
And it's a tangible thing to say, you're not in this on your own.
00:21:59
Speaker
And we got you.
00:22:00
Speaker
Yeah.
00:22:01
Speaker
And is there a part where, or maybe a future part where it will become sort of support groups?
00:22:10
Speaker
Can people connect with each other?
00:22:12
Speaker
Is it almost, I don't say like a Facebook, but is there a part of that?
00:22:17
Speaker
Yeah.
00:22:17
Speaker
I mean, again, it's not a Facebook.
00:22:20
Speaker
It's not intended to be a Facebook.
00:22:22
Speaker
But you can connect with other people that share a similar story or, you know, you're just intrigued to learn about.
00:22:32
Speaker
Yes, there's definitely... We don't have traditional support groups.
00:22:37
Speaker
Every other Thursday we meet.
00:22:40
Speaker
But at any point in time, you can go on the website and find a story and reach out to that person.
00:22:47
Speaker
Right.
00:22:48
Speaker
That's amazing.
00:22:49
Speaker
Yeah.
00:22:50
Speaker
I mean, it's so heartbreaking that it sort of has to...
00:22:54
Speaker
even be a thing, but it's great that there's people out there like you and Madeline really, um, you know, creating this and sharing, sharing solace, like it's, you know, yeah, just passing, passing it on and holding, holding hands in some way.
00:23:13
Speaker
How far has it traveled?
00:23:14
Speaker
Has it left the U S the spider web?
00:23:18
Speaker
So I know for a fact it has, right.
00:23:23
Speaker
But the website doesn't show that, if that makes sense.
00:23:26
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:23:27
Speaker
Well, I'm sure probably not everybody logs in and tracks and does all of that sort of stuff.
00:23:31
Speaker
I found that only like 30 or 40% of people actually log in like right after they get it.
00:23:38
Speaker
Yeah.
00:23:38
Speaker
Just because, I mean, I think it's, there's, they just want to know that you can.
00:23:43
Speaker
Yeah, it's, but sure, it's like probably a lot of things.
00:23:46
Speaker
Like I've even, you know, I sign up to and I think, oh, that's a great idea or whatever, but I never actually get around to.
00:23:51
Speaker
Exactly.
00:23:52
Speaker
you know, making it happen or whatever that might be.
00:23:54
Speaker
So all the time.
00:23:57
Speaker
Fantastic.
00:23:58
Speaker
Now, have you, do you, um, yourself speak with any of your clients about their stories?
The Power of Sharing Personal Stories
00:24:05
Speaker
Um, and what does that do for you?
00:24:07
Speaker
Um, in terms of like, does that weigh heavy on you?
00:24:12
Speaker
Do you, are you taking other people's grief home with you?
00:24:15
Speaker
I mean, I get asked that all the time myself.
00:24:16
Speaker
So,
00:24:17
Speaker
You know, it can be hard to be that empath and that absorber, that sponge of everybody's grief.
00:24:22
Speaker
It's great to offer it to be that service, but you need to self-care is huge.
00:24:29
Speaker
Self-care is huge.
00:24:32
Speaker
Yeah.
00:24:32
Speaker
The way to put it.
00:24:33
Speaker
Yeah.
00:24:34
Speaker
Yeah.
00:24:34
Speaker
I mean, I love to hear other people's stories.
00:24:40
Speaker
And in a convoluted way, I love to share my story because I think it encourages others to share their story.
00:24:47
Speaker
Yeah.
00:24:49
Speaker
And not a lot of people get to share their story of love and loss in a meaningful, not Debbie Downer way.
00:25:01
Speaker
Yeah.
00:25:02
Speaker
You know, I mean, positive, but not Debbie Downer.
00:25:04
Speaker
Yeah.
00:25:05
Speaker
Yeah.
00:25:06
Speaker
Like I'd love to talk about Madeline.
00:25:09
Speaker
Yeah.
00:25:09
Speaker
And people that understand that want to hear about it.
00:25:12
Speaker
But if I go, you know,
00:25:14
Speaker
go and meet someone new, they always ask me, well, how many kids do you have?
00:25:18
Speaker
And then it's like, well, one, and she's dead.
00:25:23
Speaker
And then all of a sudden, the air has been pushed out of the room.
00:25:29
Speaker
And I don't necessarily want to do that to other people, but I also want to say her name.
00:25:33
Speaker
I know that everyone that has experienced a loss does the same thing.
00:25:37
Speaker
That's it.
00:25:37
Speaker
It's so, honestly, it's one of the things I actually end nearly all of my funeral services with is to say their name.
00:25:45
Speaker
Because it's the one thing, especially early on in my career, I heard a lot of people saying is that, you know, everyone's here for me in this week and, you know, he's passed away and everyone is all around me.
00:25:55
Speaker
But a year from now, nobody, you know, that people become afraid to bring up their name and afraid that they're going to pick that scab of
Importance of Funeral Pre-Planning
00:26:05
Speaker
grief.
00:26:05
Speaker
But
00:26:06
Speaker
I feel like the scab is always there and it's always bleeding and it's just always going to be.
00:26:12
Speaker
Now at the NFDA, at the women's conference, we did speak about, we were obviously talking about the loss of children, child, and sort of the problem that it is for funeral homes.
00:26:26
Speaker
I was definitely, my eyes were opened in so far as the lack of supplies.
00:26:32
Speaker
I don't want, I mean, it sounds a bit odd to sort of say, but the lack of like,
00:26:36
Speaker
a basic like child sized caskets and things.
00:26:41
Speaker
And I was I was kind of blown away with how unprepared funeral homes were.
00:26:46
Speaker
I mean, I was kind of shocked.
00:26:47
Speaker
I was like, why?
00:26:48
Speaker
Why are we having this conversation?
00:26:51
Speaker
It's 2022.
00:26:51
Speaker
Like, what is why are we still having this conversation?
00:26:54
Speaker
Like, you don't have.
00:26:56
Speaker
I mean, I know you never want to be doing a child's funeral, especially of small, you know, that size.
00:27:03
Speaker
But I was like, how is this not something that you're thinking about?
00:27:07
Speaker
And it was great then to see the ideas.
00:27:09
Speaker
And obviously, I think because it was a women's conference, there was a lot of mothers there.
00:27:13
Speaker
And so there was a lot of interest in that.
00:27:16
Speaker
But to be honest, I was, as I said, I was kind of shocked and horrified.
00:27:19
Speaker
And I also thought to myself, this needs to be at like the actual NFDA convention.
00:27:23
Speaker
Like the mind blowing, really.
00:27:27
Speaker
Yeah.
00:27:29
Speaker
that it took people having to suggest to other people, oh, you can, you know, um, use their bassinets and, and, and, you know, their, their, their things and their swaddle them in, in their blankets that they, um, what did you choose to do with Madeline, if I may ask?
00:27:49
Speaker
Absolutely.
00:27:50
Speaker
Um, so, um,
00:27:55
Speaker
I don't remember exactly how it came about.
00:27:58
Speaker
My father-in-law is a woodworker and makes beautiful things.
00:28:04
Speaker
And he said, I've always wanted to make a coffin.
00:28:07
Speaker
Can I make Madeline's coffin?
00:28:08
Speaker
Oh God.
00:28:12
Speaker
And honestly, I don't know if it was because we couldn't find it because at that point, like hormones are raging and emotions and grief brain and
00:28:22
Speaker
And I honestly don't know if it was we couldn't find one and he's like, OK, let me do this for you.
00:28:27
Speaker
Or if he came to us, you know.
00:28:32
Speaker
But so my father-in-law actually made her a beautiful little coffin.
00:28:39
Speaker
Oh.
00:28:42
Speaker
And it just.
00:28:44
Speaker
Oh.
00:28:45
Speaker
So meaningful to me.
00:28:47
Speaker
And honestly, I don't, I mean, like I vaguely remember and I seen pictures of it, but like actual memories, not really.
00:28:58
Speaker
Yeah.
00:28:59
Speaker
Yeah.
00:29:01
Speaker
So we had, we had a full Catholic service for her.
00:29:04
Speaker
Wow.
00:29:07
Speaker
And, and then we had her cremated.
00:29:09
Speaker
Okay.
00:29:12
Speaker
Because
00:29:14
Speaker
I felt like this is an infant.
00:29:18
Speaker
My Madeline is my daughter and she needs to be with her mom.
00:29:22
Speaker
Grandma and grandpa and, you know, people, adults can take care of themselves.
00:29:30
Speaker
An eight hour old infant needs to be with her mommy.
00:29:33
Speaker
Yeah.
00:29:34
Speaker
And so we had her cremated and she lives on my dresser and I say goodnight to her every night.
00:29:44
Speaker
Oh.
00:29:45
Speaker
And like when I was in Miami, I showed up a couple days, you know, I showed up for the conference.
00:29:53
Speaker
And then a few days later, my husband came and joined me so that we could spend a couple more days.
00:29:57
Speaker
Nice.
00:29:59
Speaker
So while I was in Miami and he was here, Madeline was at home.
00:30:03
Speaker
And then before he got on the plane, Madeline went to grandma's house.
00:30:07
Speaker
Wow.
00:30:07
Speaker
Because Madeline is 12 and 12 year olds cannot stay home alone for four days.
00:30:11
Speaker
Oh gosh.
00:30:12
Speaker
Bless you guys.
00:30:14
Speaker
And I know that some people are like, are you kidding me?
00:30:17
Speaker
That's ridiculous.
00:30:20
Speaker
But we've done that for 12 years.
00:30:24
Speaker
She comes with us and if she can't, she goes to grandma's.
00:30:29
Speaker
And it's... But who... I don't care what people think, to be perfectly honest.
00:30:35
Speaker
This is what I do.
00:30:36
Speaker
To me, it's wild that anybody should even have an opinion of it because...
00:30:44
Speaker
Why?
00:30:44
Speaker
What is it to you?
00:30:45
Speaker
Like, feck off and mind your business.
00:30:48
Speaker
That's become my new phrase.
00:30:50
Speaker
Mind your business.
00:30:51
Speaker
Yeah.
00:30:51
Speaker
My business.
00:30:52
Speaker
Mind your business.
00:30:53
Speaker
Because if you minded your business, it'd be in a lot better shape than, you know, like literally, if people literally looked after their own shit, like it's whatever gets you through, you know.
00:31:05
Speaker
That's why, I mean, these, these,
00:31:08
Speaker
grief support and grief there's so many people out there that are are changing the game for grief for sure um and some in super positive ways and that's what i just don't want it to get don't don't don't and don't right but i do love the narrative of you do you like whatever gets you up in the morning gets you out of the house gets you sharing business supporting others like
00:31:36
Speaker
You know, it's, it's whatever your faith is, whatever your belief is.
00:31:40
Speaker
I mean, you know, as long as you're not hurting anybody else, then mind your business.
00:31:46
Speaker
Right.
00:31:47
Speaker
You know, that's exactly how I see it too.
00:31:49
Speaker
Yeah.
00:31:50
Speaker
So, you know,
00:31:52
Speaker
Like what's for you?
00:31:54
Speaker
Even when it comes to memorials and my services, genuinely, I'm like, what's, you know, sometimes when I'm talking to families and it's why I'm such a big fan of a pre-plan actually, because I feel like then it's black and white.
00:32:05
Speaker
This is what, you know, Crystal would have wanted.
00:32:08
Speaker
This is what Jennifer, not even would have, this is what she wanted in Britain here.
00:32:13
Speaker
You know, and you've got siblings that are fighting and sometimes I have to intervene and I'm like, listen, what's for you isn't for her.
00:32:19
Speaker
What's for her isn't for you.
00:32:21
Speaker
Like it's,
00:32:22
Speaker
stop, you know, stop attacking and start thinking about, I know they say like a funeral, it's for the living.
00:32:28
Speaker
Um, I'm on the fence.
00:32:31
Speaker
I personally feel like it's both it's for the living and the dead.
00:32:34
Speaker
Um, yeah, because it's supposed to fully represent the deceased.
00:32:38
Speaker
Like if it's all just about the living, um,
00:32:41
Speaker
then go off and I mean then what like I don't I don't really understand that aspect fully um and I know there was a presentation at the conference that I was yes yes yes I'm not going to mention any you know who was what but I was I was agreeing wholeheartedly and then at one point I went oh
00:33:02
Speaker
I was like, wait, I don't understand.
00:33:05
Speaker
And it was basically a person saying that they'd had this beautiful secular service, but then they found out sort of weeks or months later that the brother or the sister or a family member wanted a Catholic service or something like that.
00:33:18
Speaker
And this person was saying, oh, we should have done that.
00:33:21
Speaker
I'm like, what?
00:33:22
Speaker
Why?
00:33:22
Speaker
If that's not what your mother who's died would have wanted, why are you doing that to appease somebody else?
00:33:28
Speaker
Let them go off to mass.
00:33:29
Speaker
Let them go off and do something in their mom's honor or whatever.
00:33:33
Speaker
Like everyone has their own way of dealing with stuff.
00:33:36
Speaker
But to me, the actual funeral or memorial should be about the person and their connection with everybody.
00:33:42
Speaker
Not, you know.
00:33:44
Speaker
I know exactly what you're talking about because I had the same reaction.
00:33:48
Speaker
Wasn't it?
00:33:49
Speaker
It was like, yes, yes.
00:33:51
Speaker
But also, I never really thought of it that way.
00:33:53
Speaker
Like, I've always thought it's for the dead.
00:33:56
Speaker
Yeah.
00:33:58
Speaker
Yeah.
00:33:59
Speaker
But like, completely random story that kind of fits.
00:34:05
Speaker
I ran off to Las Vegas and got married to my husband.
00:34:08
Speaker
Nice.
00:34:09
Speaker
Nice.
00:34:10
Speaker
Well, ran off.
00:34:12
Speaker
We planned it for a year and then we ran off to Vegas and had a full Catholic mass on the strip in Sin City.
00:34:24
Speaker
I'm not going to lie.
00:34:25
Speaker
That is amazing.
00:34:26
Speaker
I've never heard of that in my life.
00:34:28
Speaker
That has to be original.
00:34:29
Speaker
There's no way.
00:34:30
Speaker
Like, I've heard of the Elvis weddings.
00:34:32
Speaker
I've heard of all sorts.
00:34:33
Speaker
Yeah.
00:34:34
Speaker
A full Catholic church.
00:34:36
Speaker
We found the one and only Catholic church on the strip.
00:34:40
Speaker
That is hysterical.
00:34:42
Speaker
Because grandmas wanted, I mean, we both grew up Catholic.
00:34:46
Speaker
Yeah.
00:34:46
Speaker
And...
00:34:48
Speaker
felt like that's kind of what needed to be done for the family.
00:34:51
Speaker
Yeah.
00:34:52
Speaker
And also we wanted to go to Vegas.
00:34:55
Speaker
And why not?
00:34:56
Speaker
Oh my God.
00:34:57
Speaker
I love that.
00:34:58
Speaker
But that's it.
00:35:00
Speaker
You know what?
00:35:00
Speaker
And like that's, I used to be a wedding planner and I think that's where I just kind of come at it from a different angle, you know?
00:35:05
Speaker
And that's why I think I'm such a fan of pre-planning.
00:35:07
Speaker
Cause I'm like, if you, like I say the story a million times and my listeners are probably like, Oh, here we go again.
00:35:12
Speaker
But,
00:35:13
Speaker
My poor parents get killed off all the time on this show.
00:35:15
Speaker
But anyway, my mum and I sat down and we did a pre-plan.
00:35:19
Speaker
And it was in that moment how valuable I realised pre-plan was.
00:35:23
Speaker
Because when she dies, I'm going to organise it as her daughter.
00:35:27
Speaker
Well, I'm not now because I have her pre-plan.
00:35:29
Speaker
But
00:35:29
Speaker
I would have organized it as her daughter.
00:35:31
Speaker
Whereas she's my brother's mom, which is a different mom, right?
00:35:35
Speaker
She's a different mom to him because it's just that's what it is.
00:35:39
Speaker
She's a wife.
00:35:40
Speaker
She's a grandmother.
00:35:41
Speaker
She's a best friend.
00:35:42
Speaker
She's a cousin.
00:35:43
Speaker
She's a daughter herself.
00:35:45
Speaker
Like she's a million.
00:35:46
Speaker
She's a neighbor.
00:35:47
Speaker
She's the lady that comes into the post office and has the chats, whatever it is.
00:35:51
Speaker
She's a million different things other than just Jennifer Muldowney's mom.
00:35:55
Speaker
you know and so that's where I think a pre-plan is so important because otherwise you're left to the next of kin organizing it and it's just from one point of view you're lucky if you maybe get three people in the room and okay it's from three different aspects sort of but you're still honing in on certain things you think like my mum picked Maggie Mae um Rod Stewart and I was like what your name's not even Maggie why would we play that and she's like because and I was like
00:36:22
Speaker
Okay.
00:36:22
Speaker
You know, like that's it.
00:36:24
Speaker
Not my rodeo, not my, and to me, because of that, her funeral is going to mean something to every single person in there because it's going to represent her.
00:36:35
Speaker
And so that's why it is for the living granted, because we take the solace from it.
00:36:40
Speaker
We take away that beautiful thing.
00:36:42
Speaker
We connect in that moment, but it's about her.
00:36:45
Speaker
So it is about the dead.
00:36:47
Speaker
So yeah,
00:36:48
Speaker
These people who jump on one side of it, I'm like, I don't agree.
00:36:51
Speaker
I think there's a very thin line.
00:36:53
Speaker
It's a tightrope.
00:36:55
Speaker
Yes, exactly.
00:36:56
Speaker
Because I do believe that ceremony and ritual and those things like Dr. Alan Welfall talks about, those are for the living and those are to help you begin to heal.
00:37:05
Speaker
And also the person that like it was my wedding.
00:37:09
Speaker
I'm in charge.
00:37:10
Speaker
It is your funeral.
00:37:12
Speaker
You're in charge.
Ceremonies and Societal Pressures
00:37:13
Speaker
Yeah, exactly.
00:37:14
Speaker
And if you can't speak from the grave, well, then a pre-plan will do that for you.
00:37:17
Speaker
Exactly.
00:37:18
Speaker
Yeah, it's it's yeah, it's funny.
00:37:20
Speaker
It's funny because I think there were quite a few people at that show that were like, yeah, wait, what?
00:37:26
Speaker
This took it.
00:37:27
Speaker
This took a nasty U-turn.
00:37:29
Speaker
What's going on here?
00:37:30
Speaker
I mean, and I think that was kind of the.
00:37:32
Speaker
crazy end of the spectrum yeah like no let's go full catholic that's it it was like let's like mom wants pure secular like doesn't want anything church and then oh but no two siblings want like what
00:37:49
Speaker
Yeah, it made, and thankfully, mom, I believe from what she said, the mom got what she wanted.
00:37:55
Speaker
This was more hindsight.
00:37:56
Speaker
And so I was like, I don't really understand that thinking, but okay, you know.
00:38:00
Speaker
And that's what a pre-plan is for.
00:38:02
Speaker
Yes, that's exactly it.
00:38:03
Speaker
But that's what I did love about the conference was while it was like-minded people getting together, because to be honest, it was all women.
00:38:08
Speaker
And that even was an interesting dynamic.
00:38:12
Speaker
And I spoke about this with a few people was I've been to the NFDA, the annual conventions and
00:38:19
Speaker
I've felt very uncomfortable around a lot of females, actually, to be honest.
00:38:23
Speaker
I feel like it's a very competitive environment.
00:38:26
Speaker
And I was always kind of like, oh, wow, okay.
00:38:29
Speaker
All right.
00:38:30
Speaker
And made friends.
00:38:31
Speaker
Anyway, it's fine.
00:38:33
Speaker
But going to the women's conference, I felt so supported.
00:38:37
Speaker
So everyone wanted to get to know me.
00:38:40
Speaker
Everyone wanted to share their stories.
00:38:43
Speaker
It was just so much more connected.
00:38:45
Speaker
It was just like a totally different dynamic.
00:38:47
Speaker
I couldn't actually get over it.
00:38:50
Speaker
And so I'm interested now for the friends I've made going to the NFDA now in October or whatever.
00:38:57
Speaker
Will I be different?
00:38:59
Speaker
Will there be a change?
00:39:01
Speaker
um is there you know a reason why when men are around us we suddenly get competitive i don't know i mean listen i'm a female i'm i'm ready to open i hope my hand up if if there is and maybe it's just sort of something because it is it's a very old white man antiquated industry it's you know it's that's what it is and so maybe there is a reason you know we're kind we're trying to
00:39:25
Speaker
clutch on to whatever little bit of territory we've got so maybe when we're in that national everyone is there um annual convention maybe it does get a bit sort of like no I've got to hold on to what I've got you know um I don't know it was just fascinating from a psychology point of view I was just like this is interesting everything changes when there's a big dick in the room I mean no totally fine I kept laughing I kept going there's a cock in the hen house remember that one guy's like there's a cock in the hen house why is he here
00:39:56
Speaker
No, it's so true.
00:39:58
Speaker
It was weird.
00:39:59
Speaker
And actually, out of few of the girls, I personally didn't necessarily feel it.
00:40:04
Speaker
Well, I did a little bit, and I'll come back to that in a minute.
00:40:07
Speaker
But a lot of the girls said they felt a lot safer.
00:40:11
Speaker
Right.
00:40:12
Speaker
I thought that was kind of fascinating.
00:40:14
Speaker
And I so I did say that I didn't necessarily feel safer.
00:40:19
Speaker
But what I did notice was I was less concerned about my outfit choices.
00:40:25
Speaker
So when I go to the NFDA now, I usually don't.
00:40:28
Speaker
To be honest, I'm I'll usually just wear what I want when I'm pretty like Saja.
00:40:33
Speaker
you know yeah middle finger to the whatever um but I am conscious like I am day to day working in this industry and you know it's out of respect for other people and everything you know I'm making myself sound like an absolute slut but anyway but I'm kind of I'm conscious of you know showing too much leg or too much boob you know and especially when you go on a night out and stuff I didn't feel that that's one thing I definitely noticed like when I went on that well I my burnt arse so it wasn't my choices to what to wear were limited but
00:41:03
Speaker
But when we went on that boat, I wore a cute dress, a cute kind of outfit that, you know, didn't necessarily, you know, had a bit of both.
00:41:11
Speaker
But I didn't feel like, oh, God, am I showing too much?
00:41:14
Speaker
Oh, God.
00:41:15
Speaker
Like, there was a safety there, I felt.
00:41:19
Speaker
So, yeah, it was just, as I said, first time going, I just, I noticed a lot of interesting things where I was like, hmm, okay.
00:41:25
Speaker
Okay.
00:41:26
Speaker
You know, and not necessarily bad things, just interesting.
00:41:29
Speaker
You know, I'm sure when guys all get together, there's the same thing for them.
00:41:32
Speaker
I did have to laugh.
00:41:33
Speaker
I did mention it to a friend, a male friend of mine in the industry.
00:41:35
Speaker
I said, you know, I'm going to a women's conference.
00:41:37
Speaker
And he was like, geez, he was like, if I organize an all males conference.
00:41:41
Speaker
And I said, the irony is not lost for me.
00:41:43
Speaker
I am well aware.
00:41:44
Speaker
But what I wanted to say was, isn't that just the annual one?
00:41:48
Speaker
Yeah.
00:41:49
Speaker
You do that every year and have since 1927 or whatever.
00:41:52
Speaker
Yeah, exactly.
00:41:54
Speaker
I'm like, listen, Linda, pipe down in the corner.
00:41:59
Speaker
No, I have to say fair dues to them.
00:42:02
Speaker
It was really, really good.
00:42:03
Speaker
I have to say.
00:42:04
Speaker
And I will definitely be going every year as long as I can.
00:42:08
Speaker
I felt very I felt like I made great connections I thought Jodie Dr Jodie Carrington was incredible speaker I think that's when you you were like I hear because I think I was like I was very excited talking to her at one point so yeah I just think if there's any female funeral directors out there listening to this at all or interested in the industry yes go go go try and
00:42:29
Speaker
you know, get on board in some way, shape or form, because even just, and I don't know how open it is to, you know, non-NFDA members.
00:42:38
Speaker
I must actually inquire about that because you're not.
00:42:41
Speaker
And you were, you just bought a ticket.
00:42:44
Speaker
They gave me a ticket.
00:42:45
Speaker
I got a scholarship.
00:42:47
Speaker
Oh my gosh.
00:42:48
Speaker
Even better.
00:42:49
Speaker
Yeah.
00:42:49
Speaker
That's amazing.
00:42:51
Speaker
And I think that's the only conference that you can receive a scholarship for and not be licensed in some
00:43:00
Speaker
yeah that's that's good to know because I feel like there's people who are sitting on business ideas or you know and female and and just wanting to maybe even just you know dip their toes in or maybe they've got something small and it's only budding in whatever part of the world they're from um yeah I just think it's great to get everybody together and to bounce ideas off and as I said like I didn't agree with everybody everyone didn't agree with me but that's not what it's about it's actually about like
00:43:29
Speaker
hearing other people's thoughts and even those presentations and stuff and you know there were some as I said conversations had where it was like wow you know not having the children's caskets and that whole part for me was wild yeah you know I just thought god I'm not a mom
00:43:53
Speaker
I have never had a miscarriage.
00:43:55
Speaker
I've never had, I've never been pregnant.
00:43:57
Speaker
I've never had anything like that.
00:43:58
Speaker
Depending on who you talk to, I'm a mom or not.
00:44:00
Speaker
So, well, yeah, it's, yeah, it's, that's a tragedy to be honest.
00:44:05
Speaker
But, um, it's, every woman has their own journey with it.
00:44:12
Speaker
You know, for me,
00:44:16
Speaker
will I ever have kids?
00:44:17
Speaker
I don't know.
00:44:18
Speaker
You know, will, and that's just a case of, I haven't found the right person.
00:44:22
Speaker
And I, for me, for me, for my journey, I wouldn't go down the IVF, you know, I wouldn't go down the route on my own, the route on my own.
00:44:30
Speaker
And so it sometimes can be tough in circles where everyone's moms and everyone's talking about da, da, da, you know, and it's, we're all, we're all dealing with it in our own different ways.
00:44:41
Speaker
And similarly, you know, when I go home to Ireland or whatever it is, it's,
00:44:46
Speaker
oh, have you not found anybody?
00:44:47
Speaker
But you're so lovely.
00:44:48
Speaker
And, you know, then if you are dating with somebody, it's like, well, when are you getting married?
00:44:52
Speaker
You know, when are you getting engaged?
00:44:53
Speaker
Then when are you getting married?
00:44:54
Speaker
Then when are you having kids?
00:44:57
Speaker
When are your kids having kids?
00:44:58
Speaker
And it's just, it is human nature.
00:45:02
Speaker
And I guess we have to be a little kinder and more compassionate to the people who do that generic stuff.
00:45:08
Speaker
But it can be hard.
00:45:09
Speaker
You know, it can hit at the wrong time.
00:45:10
Speaker
And I'm sure over the last 12 years in whatever situation,
00:45:15
Speaker
capacity people ask you those bloody stupid questions and you're just like no but thanks for yeah my favorite is have you thought about adoption what's adoption i've never heard of it before
00:45:28
Speaker
Yeah.
00:45:29
Speaker
Yes.
00:45:30
Speaker
Ding dong.
00:45:31
Speaker
I thought of it.
00:45:33
Speaker
And it's so bad because it really is.
00:45:35
Speaker
It's people trying to help.
00:45:36
Speaker
There's a friend of mine who I actually want to get on the podcast, but she moved home to Ireland and I'm still hoping to get her on.
00:45:42
Speaker
But the woman has she's she's has twins, two Berkeley healthy twins, but she went through rounds and rounds and rounds of IVF and miscarriages and stuff.
00:45:51
Speaker
and she got diagnosed with cancer when the kids were like two and she's gone through so much with that i don't know how she still stands like i really don't she is a powerhouse incredible woman but you know her instagram is so funny because it's like she addresses all this stuff like you know stop saying certain things to cancer patients and a bit like what you just said they're like stop saying that
00:46:17
Speaker
And I think no matter what every person's journey is, there's things that there's a list a mile long of things that irritate them.
00:46:25
Speaker
Will they ever stop?
00:46:26
Speaker
I doubt it.
00:46:26
Speaker
Because it really is.
00:46:27
Speaker
It's people coming from a nice place.
00:46:30
Speaker
They're trying to help in sort of the wrong, awkward way.
00:46:34
Speaker
And, you know, I think we all just have to be compassionate.
00:46:37
Speaker
And I think, again, it's just really being there physically for people and showing up.
00:46:42
Speaker
Have you heard of the concept of Hinlan's razor?
00:46:45
Speaker
I have not.
00:46:46
Speaker
I'm going to look it up.
00:46:47
Speaker
Because if I don't read it verbatim, I will mess it up.
00:46:51
Speaker
Mess it up.
00:46:52
Speaker
That's like me with I'm terrible with jokes.
00:46:54
Speaker
I have one joke and that's it.
00:46:57
Speaker
And once I heard this, my mind was blown because it's just snarky enough that it fits my personality.
00:47:05
Speaker
So Hanlon's razor is never a tribute to malice, that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
00:47:14
Speaker
That...
00:47:16
Speaker
quote is getting put in all of the show notes that's incredible because that's exactly it that is it's like as long I learned this a long time ago if somebody says something mean to you or asks you a stupid question or something like that it's like is this about me or is it about them is it is this coming from a place of compassion or stupidity or like did they really mean to put a dagger through my heart in what they said there
00:47:45
Speaker
99%, no, they didn't mean to put a dagger.
00:47:48
Speaker
They might be having a shitty day themselves, whatever it might be.
00:47:52
Speaker
You know, we're all humans at the end of the day.
00:47:55
Speaker
We are flawed human beings.
00:47:58
Speaker
So, well, what a positive note to end on.
00:48:03
Speaker
We are flawed human beings.
00:48:04
Speaker
That's it.
00:48:05
Speaker
We're done.
00:48:05
Speaker
Glam Reaper is done.
00:48:07
Speaker
Crystal, it has been amazing having you on the show and sharing your story.
00:48:10
Speaker
Thank you so much.
00:48:11
Speaker
We are going to put all of your information down below so that people can reach out if they need.
00:48:18
Speaker
I'm sure there's people listening.
00:48:19
Speaker
Or even just if they want.
00:48:20
Speaker
They don't need to.
00:48:21
Speaker
They can just want to.
00:48:22
Speaker
Exactly.
00:48:23
Speaker
That's absolutely true.
00:48:24
Speaker
And they may not even be going through anything, but they may just want to reach out and say hi and tell, you know, you what a wonderful guest you were.
00:48:31
Speaker
I hope that happens, actually.
00:48:33
Speaker
So thank you for sharing your story, because I'm sure there's somebody out there who it will sit with.
00:48:38
Speaker
And they may, you know, as I say, it can be just a tiny piece of glitter in the room that just sparks a tiny bit of light when you're in the darkness.
00:48:47
Speaker
So
00:48:49
Speaker
That's all we can ever aim for.
00:48:50
Speaker
So thank you.
00:48:51
Speaker
Thank you so much for joining us and we wish you all the best.
00:49:06
Speaker
So that was Crystal from Solace.
00:49:09
Speaker
I'm sure it touched definitely a lot of people out there who've been through a similar journey as she has.
00:49:16
Speaker
Pretty heartbreaking stuff to ever have to go through.
00:49:19
Speaker
And I think Crystal is really brave for sharing her story with us and sharing her story through her business.
00:49:25
Speaker
So give her some support.
00:49:26
Speaker
All the links are below.
00:49:27
Speaker
And we look forward to talking to you next episode.
00:49:30
Speaker
Ciao for now.