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Episode 12: What is a TRUE friendship? Introducing our friend, Elizabeth Duncan-Hawker
24 Plays22 days ago
Episode 12 of Classy on Occasion brings a heartwarming and insightful conversation with award-winning author and networking strategist Elizabeth Duncan-Hawker, diving deep into the art of building meaningful friendships.
In this episode, Elizabeth shares her signature approach to “collecting true friends,” a concept she developed to help people foster authentic relationships that enrich both personal and professional lives. With her trademark warmth and wisdom, she reveals how intentional connection, active listening, and genuine curiosity can transform casual encounters into lasting bonds. Whether you're looking to strengthen your social circle or elevate your networking game, this episode offers practical strategies and inspiring stories that will leave you feeling empowered to connect with purpose.
- Personal development
- Inspirational podcast
- Women in leadership
- Self-improvement
- Business networking
- Life coaching
- Empowerment
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Transcript
Introduction of Elizabeth Duncan Hawker
00:00:02
Speaker
hey everyone, welcome back to Classy on Occasion. Today's episode is one that will truly speak to your heart. We could have gone for hours and maybe even changed the way you think about your relationships. We're joined by Elizabeth Duncan Hawker, award-winning author of Clicking True Friends. She's also a speaker and a lifelong people collector. I love that.
00:00:20
Speaker
um So whether you're craving deeper community, wondering how to spot true friends, or just want to detox your circle, Elizabeth brings powerful insight and actionable tips and stories that will stay with you you long after this episode.
00:00:32
Speaker
So grab your coffee, put on your headset, whatever you're doing, and enjoy this episode on friendship and true connections.
00:00:41
Speaker
Good morning, classy ladies. i am so excited to be back after this holiday weekend. I hope everyone had wonderful time with friends and family celebrating this beautiful country we live in um Hello, Heather.
00:00:56
Speaker
Hey, good morning. And I am so excited to introduce, we have an incredible guest this morning, um Elizabeth Duncan Hawker. and We are, I was super blessed to meet her most recently in person.
The Importance of Friendship Skills
00:01:09
Speaker
She's local to Hampton Roads.
00:01:11
Speaker
um And she is just a powerful woman, speaker and award-winning author of Collecting True Friends, um How to Spot the Strongest Relationships that Help You Thrive.
00:01:23
Speaker
um Elizabeth draws on years of networking experience and personal insight to help people understand the art of building those deep, true relationships um and emphasizes the importance of the quality of those friendships, right?
00:01:39
Speaker
Not the the number of friends we have in our back pocket. Elizabeth, thank you so much for being here today. Oh, what a pleasure. And I love your energy. I listened to your other podcasts and you ladies are rocking this. Thank you. We have lots of fun with it for sure.
00:01:54
Speaker
i can tell. I like that. And fun is my middle name, I think. If it's not fun, we shouldn't be doing it. I liked what you said in one of your podcasts and you said, if it's ah if you If it's not an absolute quick yes, then it's a hard no. So I've cleaned it up a little bit.
00:02:15
Speaker
We are classing on occasion, Elizabeth. We can have a little. Classing on occasion. so um But that's the same thing with fun. So if people are not if you're finding that people aren't fun in your lives, then we do need to question why are we hanging out here, including at work?
00:02:30
Speaker
eat Absolutely. Absolutely. um So when you were, want to dive in, um when you were writing your book, why did you immediately start focusing or or at what point did you start focusing on? It was more than the networking experience that you have in the business relationships. so It was more on those personal kind of connections.
00:02:52
Speaker
Oh, absolutely. Well, what I realized as early on is that people, Don't go to Friendship 101 school.
00:03:04
Speaker
We never were taught how to get along 202 in college. So basically, we were trying to figure out how to figure this out. And then all of a sudden, we graduate if we were fortunate enough to or we decided to go to college.
00:03:16
Speaker
And then we get into the workplace and then everybody expects everyone to get along. And when we don't get along, then a manager starts trying to coach somebody on how to have interpersonal skills. And by that time, it's late.
00:03:27
Speaker
We're late in the game. If we don't know how to get along with with guys and gals, and getting along with guys is different. In my book, ah Collecting True Friends, I actually talk about the section called man talk. And if women don't know what man talk is, you need to get the book and you need to read that section. Because believe me, we drive men crazy because we talk too much.
00:03:46
Speaker
But what I realized is if we had these skills earlier and now they're called soft skills, they're called interpersonal skills. But 20, 30 years ago, we we didn't know what these were called. We were told be nice, especially as women. That was the biggest myth that so many of us tried to listen to as as a kid.
00:04:02
Speaker
They didn't tell the boys that, so not offending any guy listeners on here. But as us women, we were told as little girls, if we had a critical thought about somebody and thinking, I don't know if I like that person, usually because it's something about values.
Teaching Communication from Childhood
00:04:17
Speaker
And we didn't know what values were when you were a little kid. All you know is that you saw somebody do something and you're thinking, I don't like how they treated that dog or I don't like how they talk to their family members.
00:04:28
Speaker
And, or I don't like that they're, they're not of faith. You know, we didn't know why, but we, we knew as little kids, there was something that was sitting in our gut and in our head that says, this person is not resonating with me. but Those are big words for a little kid. Right.
00:04:42
Speaker
But all we knew was we would turn around and say, i don't know about that person. And we would say something to our parents. And then sometimes the parents would say, that's not nice. Don't say things like that. And we were shut down at an an early age to learn interpersonal skills. And some of the interpersonal soft skills we have to learn is how to have a conversation.
00:05:04
Speaker
So that's what inspired me to write the book was after spending 30 years in corporate, And navigating through that and being successful, I got seven promotions within 25 years, rose the ladder, made the money, the whole thing, raised three beautiful daughters and kept my marriage thriving and got my master's.
00:05:21
Speaker
How I did it, I was exhausted my whole life. I can tell you, it's it I really was. I look back and I go, oh yeah, I would sit down and I'd fall asleep in two minutes. Huh, okay, that's how I did it.
00:05:34
Speaker
So I was chronically exhausted. but But back to answering your question, that's what drove me along with I kept getting pinged by God. ah kept getting that you need to share your message. You need to share your methodology because I always had a project management base.
00:05:50
Speaker
So I'm very quick to be able to understand how to break things down in methods. And that's what I did with the book. I love that. Long answer for you. It's even harder now. mean, all that is so valuable, what just said. And it's even harder now. And I have four children, six technically, that with social media, right? With their phones, with texting and social media. I feel like now that soft skill, that interpersonal connection is even harder because when I was growing up, we didn't have a phone. So even then, to your point, even then it was hard.
00:06:24
Speaker
I see with my girls now, and they're such sweet girls and kind girls, but i even with my son, I'm like, that you have to be so much more intentional now to teach them that than ever before. ands and stop And seeing you know a group of children not speaking to each other at all is just mind-blowing to me.
00:06:43
Speaker
um Elizabeth, how did you, I guess at what point, so as this is a very personal question, as a mom of girls, at what point did Do you think that you started teaching your girls kind of to focus on these interpersonal skills or or was it later on in your career when when you were kind of reflecting, like, did I give them the tools that they need um to be able to create these relationships?
00:07:05
Speaker
That's a beautiful question. And no one has asked me that. So out of all the podcasts and interviews and speeches I've done. so So you need to write that one down. That's a really good one. So I did start them at an early age because my mother, so God bless her, she she just went to heaven last year.
00:07:20
Speaker
ah But she taught me and she taught me, for example, and her name is Betsy, ah short for Elizabeth, like I am. And um she told me, she was like, stand up straight, look at the lady at the counter.
00:07:32
Speaker
She asked you a question. I mean, so at a very early age, i was I was taught, you have to have a conversation and you're you're required to speak to people. So that's what I taught with my girls. If they wanted to know something, one thing that my mom did, and we called her Momo, is we would turn around and we would say, you know, hey, mom, I don't know how much this is going to cost. She's like, well, pick up the phone.
00:07:56
Speaker
pick up the phone. And then back then you had a phone book, everybody. So you pick the phone book and youd and I'd be like, oh my gosh, I'm going to call somebody and I've got to talk to them on the phone. But teaching our kids how to communicate with others is so, so important because they need to learn how to talk to an adult, particularly if they get to the point that they they want to ask a question and their parent isn't there.
00:08:19
Speaker
Excuse me, just a second. I love that her dog's crying in the background. Sorry, do you this? We have dogs too. Yes. um that's You may hear her.
00:08:30
Speaker
First she gets comfortable and then she decides she's not. so Sorry about that. But yeah, so being able to have that conversation as a child also gives you the power as a child to learn to have a conversation in the right way.
00:08:44
Speaker
Because then you start seeing how people are going to treat you. And a lot of times as adults, I have to remind um fellow peers of mine, I'm like, did did you hear the child? You know, like you'll be at a cookout and the kid's trying to talk to an adult.
00:08:58
Speaker
Kids are invisible to certain adults. Like that is the rudest thing possible. Well, guess what? When kids get older and they get to be adults, they got to learn how to deal with rude people. They got to learn how to be invisible, right?
00:09:10
Speaker
yeah When you get in the corporate boardroom and you're having a great opinion on something and somebody's not giving you the time of day, Okay, you're being ignored just like you were when you were six saying I'd like another hot dog at the cookout.
00:09:23
Speaker
So So, yes, so I did take the time. So did my husband. I also did work with my nephews who were very, they got very tall and very large at early ages. But mentally, so here's a note for you parents out there.
00:09:37
Speaker
Mentally, the kids still think that they're a kid. So they can be, they can weigh more than me. They can be taller than me. But inside that big,
00:09:48
Speaker
body of theirs, there's still this little kid. And I, and literally one time I turned around and took my elbow to my nephew and nudged him out of the way and said, women, girls go through the doors first.
00:10:00
Speaker
Now stop it and have some manners and act like a young man. So I said, this is going to really hurt you when you get older. And I thought, Why hasn't somebody explained this to him? Right. So, but of course, and then he was like, oh, I'm i'm sorry, Ann Elizabeth. Okay. yeah yeah you yeah And let me tell you from then on, he opened the door for his three female cousins. He held the door for me. He would offer to carry a bag for me.
00:10:23
Speaker
But in his mind, he so he had originally turned around to me and said, but I'm just a kid. So I think that's the problem is we all carry this person inside of us that's just a kid and we carry
Challenges in Adult Friendships
00:10:35
Speaker
that forward. And just because we weren't any good at maybe making friends when we were young,
00:10:40
Speaker
Then as we get in our 20s, we're thinking, well, you know, I'm not very good at that or and or I wasn't very popular in school. And then when we get into the workforce, if we don't get along with the people there, what happens is then over time, we develop a really bad pattern of believing that we aren't effective with social skills and connecting with others. And of course, you know, my whole talk that I love is on the power of connecting.
00:11:02
Speaker
Right.
00:11:05
Speaker
So as you're doing that as an adult, though, so you've you've maybe have these experiences, a six year old, a seven year old, and now you're going into your first, second phase of but adulthood. Maybe it's maybe it's like let's say your second phase, you're in your, you know, early forty s your career is kind of established, but you're not seeing this fulfillment outside of your career and your friendships or your
00:11:31
Speaker
using friendships for certain fulfillment, but it's not totally filling your cup, right? It's like this person may be a bandaid to this aspect of my life. Like this person we love to go out to dinner, but that's kind of the extent of our relationship.
00:11:46
Speaker
So how are you cultivating those friendships to really kind of check all those boxes and refuel you um completely and in kind of all aspects of your life? Another great question. I need to bring you with me. We need to go on the road.
00:12:01
Speaker
So there was a lot to unpack there. um Immediately, my response would be the first thing is to know the difference between ah some people say it acquaintances. But in my book, I call it there's a chapter called situational friends.
00:12:14
Speaker
There's a lot of people that in our life are situational friends. And I know you covered that in another podcast. You mentioned about people that you meet ah during chapters of your life. So for example, um I was a soccer mom, you know, even though I was working 60 hour work weeks, I never missed a game.
00:12:30
Speaker
I was always on the sidelines. Of course I was exhausted. I mentioned that earlier. yeah for me Bring the oranges. Oh my gosh. Right. You know, I don't even know what an orange looks like. I'm so tired.
00:12:42
Speaker
Um, But I knew that a lot of those parents that we were cheering with, that we were doing cookouts after we were we were swapping ah children back and forth for sleepovers, we were helping carpool. I knew that these weren't going to be my forever friends. There were going to be a few of them. And that's why the book is called Collecting True Friends.
00:13:02
Speaker
right so You can have friends through your life. It doesn't mean that they're not true. It doesn't mean that they're not good. It means that sometimes they are situational friends. Same thing with the workforce when you're in that.
00:13:15
Speaker
A lot of people don't realize, but when you are at a business and you're working, those people never plan on seeing you again once they leave. And it's a really hard fact to swallow because I got close to several people because when you go through projects, you bond with people. When things when it hits the fan, deadlines aren't met, things are tough, you're struggling, you're're you're you're mentally exhausted, you're physically fatigued, and you got somebody who's who's right there grinding it through with you.
00:13:46
Speaker
ah to to make sure the deadline is met and they have your back. there is that It's just human nature that you become very fond of that person. Or you can go the other way and you can be like, what a jerk. And I don't like that person, right? But you've got to work with them and give them respect.
00:14:00
Speaker
But it's tough with situational friends to answer your question, because you get into your 40s, all of a sudden you realize, okay, now the kids are growing up and those aren't your friends anymore. Or maybe you've changed neighborhoods and your neighbors had the best intentions of that. Oh, we were so close. We used to cook out every Friday. we would They would have us over for the Super Bowl or they'd say, hey, I just made a pot of soup come down.
00:14:24
Speaker
And all of a sudden they move and those people aren't in your life anymore. That is a really hard thing to to accept as a human being because humans are pack animals. yeah So when our kids get older, lot of times relationships peel away.
00:14:40
Speaker
it does It's not because we've done anything wrong. Same thing with the friends. Friends are going to change when we change jobs. Like for example, when i When I moved out of the corporate career and people thought I was crazy because I was making great money, great connections, big prestige. Okay, well, that's all great, but I was exhausted.
00:14:59
Speaker
I had two points in my life that I had thyroid storms and was so weak I could barely get up off of the couch. I mean, there was a cost to being that successful. So finally, when my husband looked at me when the kids were in college and he says,
00:15:13
Speaker
The kids are all in college. Now you're not working those crazy hours anymore. So I actually retired at 50 and I was lucky enough to be able to do that because I planned really super well.
00:15:25
Speaker
Well, it wasn't long before I was taken back off the shelf and hired by a client. And they're like, can you start a consulting company? And that's where Red Hawk Strategic Solutions started out. But I vowed to myself,
00:15:37
Speaker
that I would not ever go back to those crazy work hours. But back to sharing this with the people that I was really close with in the work environment, I would say probably the majority of them were not happy for me.
00:15:50
Speaker
They thought I had lost my ever-loving mind. You're too young to retire. What are you doing? How could you do this? What if that fails? I mean, they wanted to feed me fear, right?
00:16:00
Speaker
and And this was before I wrote the book, and I didn't really realize what was going on. except they needed me to stay where I was because they didn't want to lose me doing their work with them.
00:16:12
Speaker
And also we had bonded and I get that, but they needed to, if they were a true friend, and that's why there's difference between situational friends, friends, acquaintances, colleagues, and true friends, a true friend, which I did have a few of them there said, good for you, Elizabeth, you're going to succeed with whatever you do. Let me know how I can help you with your business.
00:16:34
Speaker
Right. And it was scary as heck getting out there. So when you're in your 40s, to answer your question, it is super, super important that you look forward 10 to Or you can do it when you're in your 30s, but look forward to those 10 years and say, in 10 years, who do I think is going to be in my life with me?
00:16:52
Speaker
Because schools are going to change. Kids are going to change. Hopefully you're not moving, but your neighborhood might change. Your work might change. Who do you really think is going to be with you as you move forward? And then here's the part, the second part to this.
00:17:06
Speaker
Super important. Here's the methodology. That's when you need to start seeding in new, healthy relationships worthy of your time and devotion. And yes, I said it, ladies. we' Ladies are sensitive to the word worthy.
00:17:21
Speaker
Worthy of your time and devotion. and And if you don't understand seeding, we can kind of talk about that a little bit. I'm sure that's, is pretty, pretty basic? Absolutely. Yeah, absolutely.
Seeding and Maintaining Friendships
00:17:31
Speaker
Dive into that. And I, cause I definitely want to go over your friendship formula as well.
00:17:35
Speaker
Absolutely. So seeding is, are you really seeing, and there's an assessment in the book, I think it's chapter three, but it's after you chart out your values, right?
00:17:47
Speaker
And then you chart out the values of the people that are surrounding you that are close to you. Okay. Then you're going to match those up and you're going to see where the gaps are and what you need more of in your life.
00:17:59
Speaker
For example, I wanted after after I charted that out and I charted out, well, what do I want more people to do? I wanted more people that vote. I wanted more people in my life that travel.
00:18:11
Speaker
I would like to have more friends that spoke foreign languages. Why? Because I was, I've been trying to be multilingual my whole life and I'm not very good it. Right?
00:18:22
Speaker
So I wanted to put people in my life that's called seeding. And to do that, to seed something, and I'm talking about like a seed and and I know we're biblical. So we all love the story of the mustard seed. You can start small, right?
00:18:36
Speaker
Doesn't have to be huge. But to seed something in our life, we have to really be purposeful. Like, ah is our soil fertile here? Right. Am I attractive enough that somebody is going to want to even talk to me? And attractive comes in the things of like, do you smile? Right.
00:18:55
Speaker
You know, how's your energy? You just got out of the car because you got stuck in a traffic jam. Do you take one minute and take some deep breaths in the car, fix your hair, put a smile on, think of something pleasant, or do you grab your bag and jump out of the car? Puffing and puffing. Yeah.
00:19:12
Speaker
Right. yeah You know, you see. Bring everyone down with you. Come on. We're all pissed off today. Bye. I mean, you know that person. You see her come into the doctor's office. You you see her come into work or you know show up at at your school, your kid's event. And you're like, oh, no, here she comes again. Problem Sally showed up, right?
00:19:34
Speaker
i mean, nobody has problems but this person, right? Well, guess what? I don't want to start a relationship with her or him. you know Trouble Joe. i mean, right everybody has, i call them storms in your life.
00:19:48
Speaker
And that's a whole different story we could do about how I got through some storms because they they were some pretty serious lifting ones I did. Everybody has those. But the important thing to remember is, and my mom taught me that, you can't walk around carrying those because other people may be carrying storms too. And theirs may actually be worse than yours.
00:20:07
Speaker
So give them a smile. say something kind to them. They may be the only person, you may be the only person that says anything nice to them today. Even if it's just, hey, Heather, I love that red on you.
00:20:19
Speaker
That looks amazing. It really pops out your your hair color. It's so pretty and blonde. I wish y'all could see. um so But we may we may be the only person that says anything nice to that person all day long.
00:20:31
Speaker
love that you said that. And since you I call them a negative Nelly or sabotage Susie. Oh, there you go. But since you talked about being, I love that you said purposeful and intentional with the friends you have in your life and finding those little gaps.
00:20:45
Speaker
That was super powerful to me. And I'm in a season of my life now at 55 where, My kids are grown and now finding those friendships locally. I have great friends like Julia that are, you know, not the same town as I am, but sometimes to do that, we need to make space for them.
00:21:00
Speaker
I would love you to touch on how, because I think I know that a lot of women, especially have a hard time, um I'm going say this just very bluntly, you know, moving out those friendships, I call them, and you touched on this in your book, I believe, I call them fountains or drains. I think you had some iteration of that too.
00:21:19
Speaker
How do we kind of be okay with moving those drains out First of all, because they're not serving us, right? So but it's not it's not healthy to have that in our lives anyway, because they haven't figured out what they need to do to make their lives better. And we feel this need to try to fix them and we can't, but we need to kind of move them out in order to make room for these these friendships that you just talked about. I'd love you to touch on that and how we can really be okay with that process.
00:21:44
Speaker
Yeah. You know, how do we make space for new friends? Right. That's where you're coming. And I love your fountains and drains because that's and here's here's back to we have to be that fertile soil that's what the people are going to want to be part of and see that because it's our magnetism that's drawing people to us.
00:22:02
Speaker
And we're not always perfect every day. So anybody listening to this, this thinking, well, it's easy for her. She's got a charmed life. People think that, but that my my real true friends that are with me, and and I'm very blessed because I know you said on another podcast about five, you know, between five and 10. So I have dozens.
00:22:20
Speaker
And I'm very blessed in how I keep that and how I make room for new friends because occasionally I will seed in. In fact, this year I seeded in two more. And in fact, it was funny because one of them I met cold calling, making arrangements for my client, believe it or not, who was booking something. And when I had the woman on the phone, I'm like, oh my gosh, you are fascinating.
00:22:43
Speaker
So that's how I started that. with I gave her affirmation of like, wow, tell me more about that because that's fascinating. And where do you live again?
00:22:54
Speaker
and we started an organic discussion and we were on the phone for an hour and it should have been a five minute. I'm booking this for my client, taking care of that. But there were things that she kept dropping that I kept picking up.
00:23:06
Speaker
So my question would be for the listeners today is how many times are you, and I'm going to say the word blessed, Because I believe that God brings great people together. How many times have you been blessed with somebody who is either on the phone with you or in person? You could be going to your mailbox.
00:23:25
Speaker
You could be in the grocery store line. And it's a long line. So instead of sitting there huffing and puffing and being, what do you call her, negative nilling? Yeah. instead of huffing and puffing as a negative Nelly, we could actually turn and look at the person next to us and just give them a compliment or say something, smile or check in with them like, hey, how's your day going?
00:23:44
Speaker
That might be, pause, your next true friend. So when people tell me that they don't have they don't have time to and energy to find new true friends, a lot of times God is putting them right in front of them And they're not, they're paying no attention. Just like with dating.
00:24:05
Speaker
There's so many, so many people I know that are single. And I'm like, well, so the guy at the paint store and I'd be standing there. I'm like, he was just flirting with you.
00:24:16
Speaker
Who? The one that was asking for directions. No, he wasn't. He needed, i said, do you really think in this day with GPS that that man i needed you to tell him how to find that place?
00:24:28
Speaker
Oh, so once again, so whether we're dating and and my book's not about romance, my book is about friendships and bringing in business allies. But if we're having, if we're trying to bring in the right people into our life, it's about awareness to answer your question.
Technology, Boundaries, and Prioritization
00:24:43
Speaker
The second part you asked me was how do you make space for that? Because if if you're full, so like I had mentioned, you know, I've got a couple dozen of very active people that I'm texting with. I keep up.
00:24:53
Speaker
Thank God for texting. I mean, we are at a generation. that I can tell you, ladies and gentlemen listening to this today, we are at a place in our lives that we really, truly need to be thankful for.
00:25:06
Speaker
Because 30 years ago, we would have had to pick up the phone and leave a message on somebody's answering machine that probably the spouse would delete yes or they would never answer. You had to be home first to be able to use the phone because it was not going to get the phone.
00:25:22
Speaker
be in a car or somewhere else in a waiting room. We actually had to wait till we get home to use a phone. and Right. And the, yeah. And, and our, yeah our children have the ability just to text and stay in constant contact. If they don't want to talk, they can send an emoji, an emoji, as long as you use the right one.
00:25:40
Speaker
yeah say a lot of I mean, you got to put your glasses on everybody, right? Because sometimes you think that's the right emoji and you're like, oh no. oh not what I meant. It's like the pondering. Thank goodness for unsend.
00:25:52
Speaker
um Just before we move on from this, talk about, I think women, Julie and I hear this too, have a hard time. they Say they've had a friend for 10 years that's a dream. Yes. They feel really, they don't want to hurt feelings. They don't want to cut them, you know, talk about navigating that because they have to put boundaries around that for themselves, but also to make space for those new healthy friendships. So just talk about the cave then ah confidence to,
00:26:18
Speaker
to be okay with that. So one is when you know that you are interested in somebody and and back to how do you make space, when you know you're interested in somebody and you like a neighbor, like for example, I've been, this was this was a crazy scenario, but and I hope somebody will learn something from this, but I had been friends with the the husband in our neighborhood.
00:26:39
Speaker
Well, he recently died. Now I have known his wife for probably 20 years. But did I really know her? No. Because every time we all got together or saw each other in the community, her husband did the talking.
00:26:52
Speaker
She just sat back. She didn't engage. She didn't follow up. Right. and And it was just because he was large and in charge. I guess that was kind of how their relationship worked.
00:27:04
Speaker
But anyhow, so through his death, We have become really good friends because I stepped up and said, you're going to need some things and you're not going to know you need some things. And it's very biblical to receive because if you were always the giver, then you do not allow people to receive and give back to you. So you have to let others help you as you're going through your mourning, right?
00:27:28
Speaker
So that was an opportunity back to awareness that I saw her there. Now, how do I fit in another person who's going through mourning, who's in my neighborhood that's gonna need some help? And she did call me and she was like, hey, I'm just boggled down with this situation. And is there any way you can come look at the paperwork? I'm like, you bet, I will fit that in.
00:27:51
Speaker
I had to ask myself, one, am I doing the right thing? Because we can all say the first thing we can say to ourselves is we're so busy. We have no time to help. Good luck with that. I hope that works out.
00:28:02
Speaker
Okay. But can you live with that? So that's the first thing I do is I say, well, can I live with that? Or do I need to figure out what to not do? So there were some things I had to put aside and not do.
00:28:14
Speaker
i I just physically said, you know what? That is not life or death right now, but this situation, this woman in my neighborhood, I like her. didn't realize how funny she was.
00:28:25
Speaker
And she didn't realize how funny I was. And then we actually started connecting more. But I stood up to to help her because it was the right thing to do. So that's your first answer is ask yourself, I know I'm really stressed. I know I'm tired. But is this the right thing to do? Because sometimes we have to help people or connect with people, even though we think we don't have any bandwidth for it.
00:28:46
Speaker
And that's OK. And if we don't, this is the second part to that. Heather, is then we need to say to them an honest answer. We need to say, I want to be there for you. And I'd love to, and it may not be a negative situation. Like this was an ah something unhappy. Say it's a positive thing. Say they keep asking you to go to lunch and it's it's a monthly luncheon thing and you never can do it or you can't fit it in.
00:29:10
Speaker
Be honest with them and say, you know what, this is something I'm very interested in doing. And i so and and and if they're like, well, of course, i know you're trying. And this is the other thing. When somebody says they're trying, trying is the biggest wasted word. It's like the but. You mentioned that in in one of your shows the other day. You said if somebody says something and then they put but in the middle, everything after the but has been negated.
00:29:32
Speaker
So very important not to use the word but, not to use the word try. Okay? So- Make sure they understand you're not trying to see them. Make sure if your intention is you really want to get to see them or know them or be with them.
00:29:46
Speaker
But just tell them, say, look, I've had, and you can be honest with it, I've had some health issues right now, or I've got to get my kid through graduation, or I have an upcoming wedding. And as soon as I get through that, um I've got in my phone, is it okay if I call you and pull out your calendar?
00:30:03
Speaker
Is it okay if I call you at the end of August? Because I'm putting it on my calendar right now. That would be a time that I have to be able to connect with you. And then what happens is then the shift comes with they don't think you're blowing them off and they realize, oh, it's just not the right moment right now.
00:30:20
Speaker
But a lot of times when people say they're going to catch up with us or they're going to try to meet us for lunch and everything, it's just talk. So don't be the one that's just doing the talk. And then what do you need to do to make room?
00:30:31
Speaker
What I would recommend, and this is the harder part, is I would take a look at where you're spending your time with what the people are. So for example, if you keep making arrangements to meet somebody for lunch, and maybe you're still working, and once a month you're calling this person and you're saying, hey, and then they always forget, or they always have another meeting, okay, you're getting, or they have to take their dog to the vet, okay,
00:30:58
Speaker
And that was scheduled a month ago. It's not urgent. ah You get my drift? yeah Right. This is when you say to them, huh, well, this is the third time that we've scheduled something. I'm kind of confused because, and I directly say this to people, I'm sorry, but I'm not feeling like a priority in your life.
00:31:18
Speaker
So if you don't want to make arrangements, then let's not. But I wish you well and I send you peace and love. And I just, it's, you know, you know, I want the very best for you because I know we've been friends for a very long time. But your life is just, it just doesn't seem like I'm a priority. And then you're putting it back on you. You're not saying you're not making me a priority.
00:31:39
Speaker
I'm just not a priority. And then they might say, yeah, you're right. Between my parents living with us and the kids doing this and, you know, or my husband or my divorce or and get them to kind of acknowledge, because what happens, I think a lot of times is people are not aware of their bad behavior. And then we keep rewarding them by being there constantly.
00:32:01
Speaker
So ask yourself, the second question is, and say they are meeting you and all of that. If somebody is negative or toxic, ask them, ask yourself, what did I get out of this getting together?
00:32:16
Speaker
Because, and that's covered in the book. I think it talks about the card game. And when we'd invited some friends over the couples, it's it's in the chapter about couples and when to end a relationship. So if you're finding that you're doing all the energy and work, and then at the afterwards you see them and you feel flat,
00:32:34
Speaker
And it didn't used to feel that way. Test it. Give it three times. You know, you don't want to end something immediately. But then I just wouldn't reschedule anything, you know, and I would wait for them to reach out. And what you'll find out most of the time is they don't reach out. And then they say to you something like a year later, I haven't heard from you.
00:32:52
Speaker
Interesting, right? but They noticed it, but they didn't do anything about it. So you've got to start putting yourself as the priority and your family and God and your, in and your prior, whatever you hold and strong to you, but to make room for true friends. And those are the ones that keep following up with you and are checking in with you.
00:33:12
Speaker
You've got to be able to ask yourself, you know, is it, do I feel like i'm a better person? Do I feel uplifted after I'm around this person? Yeah. You know, do I feel like they challenge me if I'm off base?
00:33:25
Speaker
Like if I'm doing something really stupid or I'm acting the fool, I mean, or are they kind enough to say, what was that about? You seem like you're losing your temper the other day. yeah You know, are you, is everything okay?
00:33:35
Speaker
but admit you To make space, you have to start doing self-assessment on who's Who's taking you where you want to be on your journey in life? And you'd said that in one of your other shows, you said something about, we believe that friendship is there because our friends are the ones that are supposed to take us to the next level.
00:33:53
Speaker
I would turn that around to ladies and i would say and gentlemen, I would say, and are you taking your friends to the next level? Because if you're the only one that's showing up, and that goes back to the be worthy of your time and devotion. Are you worthy of someone else's time and devotion to you as a true friend?
00:34:12
Speaker
Or are you just showing up when they invite you to something? and then you're And then you're like, oh, okay, well, what should I bring? Well, what you should have brought was like some friendship for the last three or four months.
00:34:23
Speaker
Yeah. You know, I told you, I told you my dog was sick or I told you my kid was graduating or, but you're waiting for me to do the next invite. You know, does that make sense? What else can I answer in
Self-Care and Personal Growth
00:34:35
Speaker
that? Did I go deep enough? No, that was great. I just to sum it up, I think what you've said this multiple times now in the past 20 minutes or so, but making yourself a priority. I mean, I think we have to do that for all relationships, for our partner, spouse, through our friendships, through our business.
00:34:50
Speaker
And I think women especially are, don't do that. We don't. And it serves every part of our life when we do do that. and It's not selfish, you guys. It's selfless. Absolutely. It is. It's it's not it's not being selfish.
00:35:03
Speaker
It is not. Because you can't give to others. And I know that's the corny expression if your cup's empty. But I mean, if you were like I was running on fumes, as I used to say,
00:35:14
Speaker
You know, it's, you really have to spend a few moments in recharge. Like yesterday, i knew I had another thing at the end of the day. i said, I just need 30 minutes and I got to go lay down. And I threw a pillow over my head and put darkness on me. And just, it was like, I just, I knew that my body needed 20 minutes of timeout.
00:35:33
Speaker
Our parents used to give it to us when we were kids. Yeah.
00:35:39
Speaker
We are wrapping up to the end of this episode.
Overcoming Loneliness and Reconnecting
00:35:43
Speaker
This will not be our last episode with Elizabeth on. Thank you so much for your time. I do have one quick question for you. If someone is feeling lonely or disconnected this week or doesn't feel like they really truly truly have true friends, what's one small actionable item they can do today um to start that path to finding true friends for themselves?
00:36:04
Speaker
Oh, that's a beautiful one. ah And loneliness, according to Cigna Health, is actually an epidemic in our country. So if you're hearing this and you're not suffering from loneliness, you need to be aware of that and be more open to those in front of you.
00:36:17
Speaker
If you do feel, and my mom used to say, it's not loneliness, as's it's lonesomeness. So if you're feeling a little lonesome, then what I would recommend is pick up your phone and look through your texts and go back and try to figure out who were the people that you felt good with connecting it. Maybe somebody in business or something, but go back and make a list, write down like five names of some people that either made you laugh or you felt good with, and then reach out to them and say, Hey, you know, I, I would love to, you know, to have a virtual coffee or set up a time to talk. You know, I'm, I'm expanding my friendships and I just want to reach out to you because we always seem to have such a good time when,
00:36:58
Speaker
when When we worked together or we got to see you, you know, would you be open for that? and And that might be the harder scenario. The easier scenario might be, it's a friend that you just haven't talked to in the last year.
00:37:09
Speaker
Well, guess what? They're sitting there waiting for you and they may have been going through some stuff and they might go, oh my gosh, I'm so glad to hear from you. So ask them to do something. And if they can't do something in person, set up a virtual coffee on Zoom um and do, you know, spend some time to, but texting, I would say, start with the text.
00:37:28
Speaker
to people that you enjoy their company before, or could be your neighbor. but go Go out and walk your dog and talk to your neighbors. There's a thought. wellll Before we wrap up, Julie, it's so funny you just said that, Elizabeth, because like I said, I'm 55 and and on through social media, ah through Facebook, I saw that someone I went to high school with died a couple of weeks ago.
00:37:49
Speaker
And I hadn't talked to them. I wasn't super close, but it prompted me to think about my high school friendships. And many of those, to your point earlier, are seasons. And those friendships are, you know, they were great when I was in them. And, you know, they served a purpose.
00:38:04
Speaker
But one of one of those two of them actually came to my heart when I saw this post. And I texted them both. I've now had 30 minute calls with both and it was like it was yesterday.
00:38:15
Speaker
And we had so much to connect with, not just like, oh, remember this, remember that. I mean, that was fun too, but we really were like, what's happening today? And we realized that two of us, especially are going through very similar things.
00:38:26
Speaker
And I'm like, I said, Annie, I feel like it's, yeah, I'm a cry. So I feel like it was, yeah, like it's worse back in yesterday. She goes, I know. And we just kept talking and talking and now we're going to stay connected. And so to your point, I was like, that kind of touched my heart. and i said, who haven't, you know, i miss Annie. I miss Carolyn.
00:38:42
Speaker
And now we've talked and I'm so grateful that I reached out. I could have just been like, oh, I miss them and not done any action. yeah I texted them both. we had a phone call within within a week and I'm just so grateful for that friendship and that relationship.
00:38:55
Speaker
Yeah. Isn't it interesting when someone's death brings people back together? I think that's very, very divinely and and touched.
Conclusion and Future Episodes
00:39:03
Speaker
Oh, that's, that's beautiful story. So it could be somebody from college, could be high school, could be your neighbor.
00:39:08
Speaker
There's somebody waiting to hear from you. And what if they're lonely too? yeah Wow. Beautiful question. I look forward to coming back. Thank you for having me. Thank you everyone. Have a wonderful rest of your day and we'll see you next week. Thank you.
00:39:23
Speaker
thank you
00:39:27
Speaker
We are so thankful for Elizabeth Duncan Hawker and joining us today to share her powerful messages of collecting true friends and understanding the science of building deep, authentic friendships.
00:39:39
Speaker
We look forward to having her on another Classy on Occasion episode. So stay tuned for that and keep it classy, friends. We'll see you next week.