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Episode 58 - Let Your Partner Influence You (Principle 4)
21 Plays8 days ago
Stehlin leads discussion of chapters 7 and 8, which includes Principle 4: “Let Your Partner Influence You” from The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman, PhD.
(2:04) - “They Don’t Make ‘Em Like They Used To” - Hairstyles
Principle 4 Discussion - “Let Your Partner Influence You”
(9:15) - What are your thoughts and attitudes towards this chapter regarding “let your partner influence you?
(14:30) - Were there any aspects of this chapter, as men, that you disagreed with?
(24:10) - What are some perpetual problems that you face in your marriage? What are some of the ways you’ve coped with them well or poorly?
Next week, we’ll discuss Principle 5: “Solve Your Solvable Problems” and Chapter 10: “Coping with Typical Solvable Problems” (pgs. 160-235).
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Until next week, read, reflect, and connect.
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Transcript
Podcast Welcome
00:00:05
Speaker
Welcome back to the Books Brothers Podcast, the podcast where longtime friends spread across the country reconnect through the pages of good book.
Exploring Books with Humor
00:00:12
Speaker
Each episode, we dive into what we are reading, sharing our thoughts and perspectives, all while enjoying a few laughs along the way.
00:00:18
Speaker
Whether your bookshelf is overflowing with the likes of Tolstoy, Dickens, and Hemingway, or you are still talking about reading that book that you bought 10 years ago. We are glad that you're here to join us as we explore insightful topics and narratives all while connecting each
Meet the Hosts
00:00:31
Speaker
week.
00:00:31
Speaker
I'm Adam. I'm Closed. I'm Garrett. And I'm Rob. So we are excited to have you join this
Current Book Discussion: Gottman's Principles
00:00:37
Speaker
week. We are currently reading The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. This week we read and will be discussing Principle Four, Let Your Partner Influence You, as well as the follow-up chapter, The Two Kinds of Marrow Conflict.
00:00:48
Speaker
I'm really looking forward to discussing the section and hearing your guys' thoughts as the author spends a lot time focusing on our role as husbands when talking about how our partners should strive to be, how partners should strive to be influenced by his her spouse.
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00:03:01
Speaker
I think that's the best ad of of this podcast. man. yeah I mean, there's Fruit Financial. there's but Thomas has had a couple. i think that may be the best one in history. My favorite is still Last Name. What is it, Rob? Same last name. That's so good. I don't know why. don't It's just so funny.
00:03:35
Speaker
Let's ah get
Personal Stories: Hairstyles
00:03:36
Speaker
back to our content. So let's talk a little bit about how they don't make them like they used to. Today, i wanted to focus specifically on hairstyles. We all have had a look that we were likely super proud of when we had it, but laugh at now.
00:03:49
Speaker
What was that for you guys? and I don't actually know what the name was, but i it was like a super ah wet gel. I don't know.
00:03:59
Speaker
You put it in and it just made your hair look wet. And then you just kind of like streak your fingers through it and let it come down on the front. see Oh, yeah. It wasn't spikes like up, but like down.
00:04:12
Speaker
I think that was my seventh grade yearbook picture was that one. Yeah, that was one of my go tos. or Or just a buzz cut.
00:04:22
Speaker
You guys ever rock Mohawk? Did you rock the Mohawk buzz cut, Garrett? ah What? Did you rock the Mohawk buzz cut? No, I don't think I ever did the Mohawk. I did the faux hawk for a while. Oh, yeah. I remember that. I remember that, yeah. What's the difference again? What's the difference? always get them confused.
00:04:44
Speaker
It's just like longer in the middle, but you weren't shaved, Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Not like not like a huge difference here. More moderate. yeah
00:05:00
Speaker
I mean, I think the ones the one that for me I think of right away, and Flez knows about it, but just like Frosted Tips, right? I was waiting for it. as way I dyed my hair completely blonde one year.
00:05:11
Speaker
um I, I had gotten a, yeah, I had, I was fairly obsessed with my hair when I was like fifth, sixth grade. And I remember people telling me I was obsessed with my hair. And so to show I wasn't, I remember I dyed my hair blonde and I was actually going for like as white as possible, but it hurt really bad to get your hair dyed.
00:05:34
Speaker
Um, so I didn't, uh, it's like burning your head.
00:05:40
Speaker
It's very painful. Really? Yeah. So that was, I mean, but I think like another one of the funny ones I think of is like, I call it the ramp. I don't know what it's called now, but it's like all the boys had it where it was like your hair was just straight. And then at like the, at the top, it was like yeah a ramp up.
00:05:56
Speaker
I mean, we probably all had that one. But that's a funny one to think about. And ah no one has any more on on the girl side of things. One that I thought of that it just cracks me up sort of to this day of thinking about.
00:06:08
Speaker
And I call this look. It's the popular girl who just went on a vacation to Mexico or Jamaica. And so we all know what I'm talking about, I assume. But this is I don't.
00:06:21
Speaker
musta of One of the popular girls in your school, she went to Jamaica or something like that. And she came back and she had like cornrows. She had like the beads. and And then like the beads down too.
00:06:36
Speaker
And the funniest part about it is with that, it was almost, they almost always had to have a very sunburned scalp. too. That was always a part of it and flaking because obviously their scalp hadn't ever seen that much sun, but that one, I still to this day laugh about like, I can think of like multiple girls coming to school with that. It's funny.
00:06:56
Speaker
Did Ruth ever do that? I don't know. uh, I mean, she was a popular girl, so I'd, I'd assume, i don't know if she went to, to Mexico or Jamaica. have to ask her if she ever went to one of those places. And if they did, if they went to one of those places, they did it.
00:07:12
Speaker
Like it was where you did, you know? And so I don't know if it happened on the plane ride there or back, but it happened. What are, what are we talking about at this point?
00:07:22
Speaker
For me, it was, it was the bangs, man. yeah And, and even in college, it was like, you couldn't catch the wind, couldn't catch you at a wrong point. wrong angle. Otherwise your whole hair day would be ruined.
00:07:35
Speaker
Your bangs would be all out of sorts. And then, you know, you, you, used I didn't really do it that much, but you used to do the old, like, Oh yeah. You'd bring the bangs like back to the side by shaking your head. Or, or if you were at the pool and you had just like dove in, you'd come up out of the water.
00:07:54
Speaker
You'd really like throw the, that hair over to the side and, um, let the water come off of it. But, I feel like you also probably had to listen to like Fallout Boy or The Used if you had that hairstyle too, right? That was kind of that. It was more Charlotte. ah Good shit Charlotte. yeah yeah Yeah, yeah. That's in the same category for sure. yeah It's funny that you talk about Fallout Boy because I'm currently listening to the...
00:08:25
Speaker
the vocalist now with my kids because the main singer does all the songs for Spidey and his amazing friends. That's amazing.
00:08:36
Speaker
Fun fact. That's great. Did I cut you off though, Flood? No, you're good. That's awesome. That's way more important than what i had to say. Thank you. so
00:08:46
Speaker
it mean that I didn't mean that sarcastically. That's pretty cool. But ah I had, ah I think I'm trying to think of some of the ones that I had. i had bowl cut. I had just like the mop where you just like, think that was eighth grade where I just let my hair grow. And it was just looked like an Afro.
00:09:03
Speaker
Like it just, my hair was so thick. It looked like an Afro almost. And then buzz cut, faux hawk for a while, and then no hair. ha Yeah.
00:09:16
Speaker
Made a statement. The hair would kind of curl on the neck. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Like I remember sitting on my mirror and I'd be like trying to curl it because other guys, would you know, would have the curl, but I wouldn't. And then, you know.
00:09:32
Speaker
If it grew longer, then maybe you'd get it. Rob, were you ah were you a puka shell guy? A what? A puka shell guy. I don't know what that is. don't either. Look it up real quick.
00:09:44
Speaker
I don't know what that is either. Puka shells. how think Hollister. No, man. No, no, that wasn't you. Okay. No. Okay. Well, anyways, I think it's time to get back to the content.
Deep Dive: Principle Four's Impact
00:09:57
Speaker
Uh, so as mentioned before this week, we read principle four, let your partner influence you and the followup chapter, the two kinds of marital conflict. Principle four really focuses on men in marriage, and some of the key points from this principle are to share power.
00:10:10
Speaker
Letting your partner influence your actions and life decisions is essential for a long-term successful relationship. Men tend to have greater difficulty with letting their wives influence them. Then the other way around, this leads me to the next key point.
00:10:22
Speaker
Men should specifically seek to be open influence. Gottman notes that when a man is not willing to share power, there's an 81% chance that his marriage will self-destruct honor and respect your partner's feelings and emotions or feelings and opinions.
00:10:35
Speaker
Okay. some men might cite their religious or cultural views as to why they believe that they must assert supreme influence over their spouse but as i believe gottman argues correctly this does not mean that a husband is entitled to consistently dishonor and disrespect his wife accepting influence is about valuing your partner as a wonderfully made human being who has thoughts and feelings that can be different than yours and thus as a result help you to better see the realities of the world Compromise is essential. Being influenced by your partner helps you become come to a solution that keeps both parties happy and thus keeps your marriage happy.
00:11:07
Speaker
And lastly, strive to be an emotionally intelligent husband. Gottman's research demonstrates that men tend to score lower than women in the area of emotional intelligence, although there has been improvement in this area in the recent years.
00:11:18
Speaker
The author encourages husbands to not be afraid of their own emotions and to learn how to better connect emotion with their wives. This leads to better marriages, better fathers, and generally speaking, better men. So as mentioned before, this principle really focuses on our role as men and our marriage and our relationships.
00:11:31
Speaker
And all the topic of gender differences can be ah very culturally charged these days, specifically on the topic of what masculinity should or shouldn't look like. But in my own reading this section, I really have to admit, i feel like I was i was fairly convicted um My actions and words may not have been as bad as some of the examples that Gottman gives in this book. But I i could probably think of a few examples in just this past week where I did not excel at letting Ruth influence me.
00:11:57
Speaker
So with all that being said, what are your guys' thoughts and attitudes ah towards this section of reading? Well, I think it's it's certainly powerful. I think there's a big difference between...
00:12:10
Speaker
I'll say succumbing to your wife and saying yes, dear, yes, dear, yes, dear to everything is different than, um you know, really understanding like where your spouse is coming from, say like on an emotional front. So like I've grown more emotionally like available and intelligent through my wife because she puts so much attention emphasis in stock and in that and it's very very very important to her and knowing herself knowing her past knowing wounds knowing why she reacts to certain ways like there there's always a reasoning and and you know with me it would just be like well
00:12:56
Speaker
that upset me. And it's like, okay, why did it upset you? you know like And really trying to peel back the layers of why you are the way that you are and just being influenced that way to be more emotionally aware has been powerful because then you know the first principle right is the enhance your love maps is To know someone is to love someone, but that that can be said about yourself, right? Like if you don't really know yourself um as deeply as as you can, um are you really loving yourself, which then allows you to love other people better at the same time? Yeah.
00:13:34
Speaker
Rob, with with that, you kind of mentioned some some progress and growth that you've seen in this area. When did you kind of notice the difference with that? Is that something that you feel like you saw really in your relationship with Mary and before the relationship or kind of through your time being married?
00:13:49
Speaker
Yeah, through through our time being married, for sure. I mean, she's shared some resources and like ah you know read a couple books that she had recommended. and um you know i honestly, just you know even um you she just went on a silent retreat.
00:14:06
Speaker
I went on one. last April, I'm going to go on one this April. And it's just like just investing in yourself in different ways, um you know, to know the Lord deeper too, right?
00:14:20
Speaker
Has been big fur for me and us and our marriage. And so I don't know. Yeah, it's been over, I'd say, like the past two years of just a personal discovery um that's been catalyst because of how much she has done that for herself.
00:14:38
Speaker
Jarrett, Floz? When I think of the let your partner influence you, curious how often you all experience this. But whether it's going to counseling, talking to parents, talking to trusted friends or mentors, it's not uncommon for me to provide a recommendation on something or Brooke to provide me a recommendation on something. And I might file it away or dismiss it or not value it as much as I could take it to heart.
00:15:07
Speaker
But then when someone else says it, I immediately and more quickly listen. I think we've experienced that a lot. And I wonder why that is. i imagine there's probably some elements of...
00:15:19
Speaker
Going back to the earlier chapters, like the and NSO so versus the PSO, prior experiences with your spouse positively or negatively affecting you. So you take in their information differently, but it's also speaking to why we need community, not merely an island of of two people.
00:15:38
Speaker
But it is an interesting observation that I've seen in my life where I'll be a little bit more resistant to taking information that criticism or advice, but then someone else gives it and I'm like, oh, okay, I'm sorry.
00:15:52
Speaker
do Can you all relate with that at all? Yeah, yeah. It can be upsetting too for the spouse, you know? Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely.
00:16:03
Speaker
Going back earlier too to what you were saying at the start, sailing about personal examples, I think if anyone's honest, we We all struggle with that as guys to some degree.
00:16:14
Speaker
And sometimes you don't know the extent of it until you go through it. I've used the example a couple of times, but culturally we've talked about money and financially providing as a way that guys can feel like they're contributing to the family. And when your spouse makes more than you,
00:16:38
Speaker
actually does rather than theoretically, you can't really cross into those waters of how you view yourself and you view your spouse. like I don't know. It's not right, but it it it reveals where you put some of your identity in.
00:16:54
Speaker
Yeah. And I don't know if it's... Like what he was saying, and you mentioned at the beginning, like a power thing or you know sharing power, like whatever that is.
00:17:07
Speaker
Sometimes you just don't know potentially the hold, the stranglehold that might have on your own life, what you how you desire to have. Maybe it's a control thing. Maybe it's a power and influence thing.
00:17:20
Speaker
And if you feel you don't have that as much, that can really, you know, expose some of the weaknesses in your character or where you put your identity in and false things.
00:17:33
Speaker
Does that make sense? Yeah. Yeah. Did any of you guys ah find yourself disagreeing with kind of what was saying or maybe even having negative attitudes towards what he was saying in this chapter? i mean, it was heavily focused on men let your wives influence you.
00:17:51
Speaker
yeah I mean, so I read it with my wife and and wouldn't say that I had ton. Like she really enjoyed, she really enjoyed She found a lot of this stuff fascinating and found herself like rereading it. and um And yeah, I mean, there's a little bit of it where it's like, you know, it's harder to read some of it and be like,
00:18:14
Speaker
Yeah, it's all it's all right. And I need to you know be influenced more by you. um But if we're talking about kind of what I was getting at ah earlier, it's like, you know, if we're very um or if the wife is very like emotional, intelligent emotionally intelligent,
00:18:35
Speaker
Right. Like they the story that they said about ah the friends and they were like, oh, could you believe that he he was amputated, that he didn't have a leg? And the guy was like, what?
00:18:47
Speaker
He didn't have a leg. You know, like just guys can be so oblivious to. certain things um that women aren't, you know? And so really, i mean, yeah, i was, i didn't expect all of that in the chapter, but I mean, looking at it, it's, I mean, there's great truth in that we, you know, our wife is going to allow us to see a lot of things that we might not easily see that, that they can see, you know, yeah or feel or know, yeah,
00:19:23
Speaker
Yeah. It's interesting. You say that, Rob, there's something that I just thought of. It was kind of, know Garrett couple weeks ago, you mentioned a myth that you had surrounding marriage. And I think a myth that I'm re remembering right now.
00:19:34
Speaker
um I always thought that the line of like, you complete me or like, you make me a better person. i always thought that that was silly. I always kind of thought like, Oh, just be a better person on your own. Like you don't need someone to be a better person.
00:19:48
Speaker
Just do it. And I mean, I know I'm being pretty direct about it now, but I think it took me, I feel like a couple of years our marriage to like, see like, Oh, definitely Ruth makes me a better person. And it it just took a while. And I think maybe I had some stubbornness. I think I had some pride that maybe got in the way of some of those things where it's like, yeah,
00:20:08
Speaker
you know, we'd hang out with friends and then maybe have a thought on a friend and she'd be like, why, why would you, that's mean? Like, why are you saying that? And I'm like, well, it's just you and I now, so it's okay. And she's like, no, no, no, like it's mean. Like, don't be mean. Like, I'm like, oh yeah. Okay.
00:20:21
Speaker
And I'd like to think I'm yeah growing and in some of those ways. that's why we That's why we always say our better half, right? Have you ever met someone who thought they were the better half?
00:20:34
Speaker
I haven't, but that'd be an interesting experience. No, I'm the better half. like That would be awkward. That's always the better half. What?
00:20:47
Speaker
Legs is always the half. Bigger half. Bigger half. Bigger half. Well, mean, shoot, man. what are You deadlift like 220 pounds, right? Exactly. It's crazy.
00:21:01
Speaker
was going to say, Sarah and I talked about mansplaining before this podcast. Yeah. I found interesting to get her take on it. Yeah. But ah my take was that mansplaining is just a guy being a jerk and that not all guys mansplain.
00:21:19
Speaker
And... My other thought was that the way that we talk to each other, like us guys, guys in general, we teach each other. It's like our ultimate goal is to teach each other. Like when we have conversations, that's literally what we're doing is trying to teach each other stuff.
00:21:38
Speaker
And so, but when we do that to a woman, sometimes it can come across as we're like telling them what to do almost, i think. I was running this by her to see what her reaction was. And she's like, no, I get that.
00:21:50
Speaker
Some men literally like if I'm in a room and and I call ah guy in, then the person that's on the call will then listen, but they won't listen to me just because I'm a woman. I'm like, yeah. Yeah.
00:22:03
Speaker
I feel like the line there of like mansplaining versus being just being a jerk, like where does that get drawn? Well, I mean, Gottman talked about how even kids, even kids, boys are open to influence of other boys, but not as much with girls.
00:22:22
Speaker
Whereas girls are open influence from boys or girls. That was at a very young age. I remember the age she was talking about, but it was like, think it was like five or six year olds. And think it's interesting to learn. And, you know, i think a lot of these things, it doesn't feel like there's a, sometimes it doesn't there's like an answer to that of maybe that's how I feel, feel like there's an answer of like why it is this way or that way. Yeah. I think that the idea is like learning to to cope and deal with that and kind of manage through that.
00:22:50
Speaker
It's just interesting because she and I talked more and i'm like, I'm not that way at all. Like I respect women. i almost look to them more as leaders than I do men. And I think the reason is because I have two stepsisters that are my age and I grew up with them. The very strong willed mother.
00:23:08
Speaker
and sister and stepsisters, and I grew up with them my whole life. So like to me, like a woman is like very strong and like you look up to them, but like I think, so that's just kind of how I've been raised.
00:23:21
Speaker
So maybe that's different from other men. i don't know. But, you know, I think that, yeah, I don't know. i think, I mean, I do think that there's probably some component that like, we don't get a pass though, where it's like, okay, this is something that like, we all need to be like working on. And yeah, I'm at least for myself. Like, and you know, I need to as I mentioned kind of the beginning, it's like, yeah, I, I see this and in reading it, it's like, uss it's, it's, it's a, it's a hurt, but it's also like, okay, like,
00:23:51
Speaker
It's the reminder. So, yeah, I'm open. I'm open to being influenced by by it Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. And I think that's I think that's the part of the key.
00:24:02
Speaker
So in the follow up chapter to principle for Gottman outlines the two kinds of marital conflict, solvable problems and perpetual problems.
Solvable vs. Perpetual Conflicts in Marriage
00:24:10
Speaker
ah Perpetual problems are the the same problems that keep popping up.
00:24:14
Speaker
over and over again in your relationship and in some way or another. So unfortunately, from his research, he found that the majority of marital problems are perpetual, which makes up 69% of the conflict that he observed. But his encouragement to us is you don't have to resolve your major marital conflicts to your marriage for your marriage to thrive.
00:24:30
Speaker
Rather, you do need to learn how to cope and manage with these conflicts as a team. These perpetual problems can lead to emotional disengagement and derail our marriage. when we reach a gridlock. When we reach a gridlock, neither party is willing to change and you or your partner feel rejected and increasingly hurt by the conflict. So Gottman's keys to managing conflict and specifically perpetual conflict are negative emotions are important. When your partner is hurting or angry, even if it is because of you, need to stop and to listen.
00:24:56
Speaker
No one is right. There is not an absolute or objective reality in marital conflict. Acceptance is crucial for spouses to change. They need to believe that they're wife or husband, wanting them to change, understands, respects, and accept them for who they are, and focus on fondness and admiration.
00:25:13
Speaker
We already hit on this in principle two, but the idea is that for successfully managing conflict, we must pursue a fondness and admiration for our spouse. So in reading this chapter, I was able to almost instantly think of Ruth and I as perpetual conflicts that we have learned and are learning to manage.
00:25:27
Speaker
I even think it's it's helpful to consider them a perpetual problem or conflict. So with that being said, what are some of the perpetual conflicts that you face in your marriage? And what are some of the ways that you've either coped with them poorly or are dealing with them well?
00:25:42
Speaker
I'm not answering your question. I'm more just making a comment that I forgot this part, reading through this a second time. Thinking of some problems or conflicts being perpetual and that is okay. Learning how to manage it and happy marriages can still exist with perpetual conflicts. So that was, even though I've read this before, it was pretty eyeopening.
00:26:03
Speaker
And to your point, it's almost a little reassuring, I guess, because sometimes I can get really defeated sometimes. feeling very discouraged if they're, you know, we're going through it again or this thing or how, how often is this going to come up? But understanding how to work through that.
00:26:23
Speaker
so Yeah. I think that, I mean, that's really what I was saying too, where it's like, okay, like this is normal. This is okay. And we're going to have these issues and, you know, He said it on over and over again where it's like conflict is not bad in marriage. It's how you manage and deal with conflict.
00:26:37
Speaker
What was the page of the like where he kind of listed some of the perpetual conflicts? I think one of one of the perpetual conflicts that we deal with in our relationship um has been i tend to have lots of things that I like and want to do.
00:26:54
Speaker
And i think Ruth at times doesn't maybe have as strong as opinions on things. And she would express this too. This isn't just me saying this. And with that, I tend to dominate our time, our schedules with the things that I would rather do.
00:27:10
Speaker
And I would say in the last couple of years, she has spoken up against this and um it maybe has become more of a conflict over the years. And there's like the part of me that's like very happy that, you know, Ruth is like, and I think I shared a couple weeks ago where she's like finding her voice in some of these things, but it's also, it's changing our lifestyle as ah as a, as relationship, which is okay. but But it definitely at times has caused like a little bit of,
00:27:36
Speaker
rub or a little bit of tension. It's good. mean I mean, I'll be the one, I guess, to say it, but sex is a perpetual conflict in terms of expectations for each side.
00:27:48
Speaker
But then the other two is probably the comfortability with clutter in the home. I have no problem leaving stuff around the house. Brooke receives a lot of peace having ah a clean home, like Rob mentioned with Marianne.
00:28:03
Speaker
And then the other one is just our general dispositions. I mean, you all know this. I'm a very intense person and that's just how I kind of roll.
00:28:15
Speaker
It's kind of how I want to say i grew up in intensity, but I just really am able to focus under pressure and i don't mind raised voices.
00:28:29
Speaker
straightforward, kind of like what you were saying flis a minute ago, just straightforward talk like, hey, you're doing this this way. Stop or don't do that or do this. Brooke is more of like remain calm, basically the opposite of intensity with if we're running late out the door, like, okay, i we just need to be calm about it. And me, I'm like, this, this helps me focus. Like you get the diaper bag snacks.
00:28:56
Speaker
I do this too, Garrett. Yeah. So it's like, I, I, I can try to, we try to talk about things, right. And with each category I just mentioned, whether it's, um, planning ahead, you know, our week or,
00:29:11
Speaker
The day, um it's a little bit different now when your wife's 33 weeks pregnant, your intimacy looks different. But then just learning how to have conversations differently and with intense moments or...
00:29:24
Speaker
Planning the head better so you're not running behind as much. so Those are a few things that came to mind. Plus, I'm not married, so I can't comment on the question.
00:29:36
Speaker
No, I think I'll try to relate to it a little bit. But i think um one thing that I'm stuck on right now is certain aspects of like ah Christianity, that a couple of different topics that she and I disagree on.
00:29:50
Speaker
Yeah. um And I think the first couple times I brought them up, related to like, she's charismatic and I'm like very moderate, non-denominational Christian.
00:30:00
Speaker
And ah with like a Lutheran background, upbringing. So just very different from... Very stringent. I never even knew what tongues were until like two years ago. Yeah. um So I've been like super hyper-focused on reading everything about this stuff. Yeah.
00:30:19
Speaker
so you know bring you When I brought it up the first couple of times, was probably a little too aggressive and like wanting to get my perspective across.
00:30:31
Speaker
Wanting to seek influence. yeah Yeah. She and she got defensive probably because this is what she's grown up with her entire life. Yeah. and so But then like tonight, we I still brought it up again.
00:30:48
Speaker
Cause I'm trying to learn cause I'm, I feel a little bit attacked by certain things within that they believe. And I think that's ultimately what it is, is not wanting to feel attacked, but yeah um she's like, that's helpful that I know that. So now we can, you know,
00:31:03
Speaker
But we had like a really good, healthy conversation about it. And I think the difference was just the approach, you know, how the conversation begins and like having, approaching it with a love and curiosity and being open to influence as opposed to like, I'm going to go in and prove my point why I'm right.
00:31:25
Speaker
Yeah. So it's, yeah. don't know. That's how I could relate to this question. Yeah, i think I think faith views definitely can be one in this category. And I've shared, at least with Adam, that you know Ruth and I have some slight differences. But yeah, there are things that still, you know we've known each other now 13 years, and they still come up sometimes. And it's a conversation of like, oh, how are we going to handle this you know when our kids are asking about this? And we think this, and you think this. Yeah.
00:31:51
Speaker
um Yeah, I think it's not always knowing the answer, but it's how to communicate in those those areas and come to like a happy place with it. a You know, a compromise that you both feel like is still being true to your your faith system.
00:32:08
Speaker
Yeah. Thank you for listening to this week's episode of the Books Brothers Podcast. Join us next week as we discuss chapter nine, which is principle five, solve your solvable problems from the book, The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Worth.
00:32:20
Speaker
If you've enjoyed listening benefited from our conversation, please subscribe, give us review, and share with a friend you want to connect with. Lastly, we would love to hear thoughts. You can reach us by email connect at booksbrotherspodcast.com or on Instagram at booksbrotherspodcast.
00:32:34
Speaker
Until next week, read, reflect, and connect.