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Enhance Your Love Maps (Principle 1), Brooke Joins the Show, and Blockbuster (S8.E2) - Ep. 55
22 Plays4 days ago
Flez leads discussion of “Principle 1: Enhance Your Love Maps” from The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman, PhD.
(0:31) - “They Don’t Make ‘Em Like They Used To” - Blockbuster
(3:49) - “The One Thing” - Garrett and Brooke discuss their thoughts on last week’s episode as it relates to their marriage
Principle 1 Discussion - “Enhance Your Love Maps”
(9:59) - What is something new that you’ve learned about your partner recently that’s surprised you? How do you make an effort to stay updated on her life?
(18:18) - Have you ever realized that you did not know something important about your partner? How did that impact your relationship?
(28:32) - What keeps you from staying updated on your partner’s world? How do you overcome those challenges?
Next week, we’ll discuss Principle 2: “Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration” (pgs. 67-86).
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Email us at connect@booksbrotherspodcast.com
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Until next week, read, reflect, and connect.
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Transcript
Introductions and Podcast Overview
00:00:05
Speaker
Welcome back to the Books Brothers Podcast. I'm Flez, and I'm here with my brothers from different mothers. I'm Garrett. I'm Stanley. I'm Matt. I'm Rob.
Enhancing Love Maps: Introduction to Topic
00:00:16
Speaker
Today, we're covering Principle 1, Enhancer Love Maps, from The 7 Principles for Making a Marriage Work by John Gottman and Nan Silver.
Nostalgia for Blockbuster Video Stores
00:00:25
Speaker
But first, for our first segment, they don't make them like they used to. Let's talk a little bit about Blockbuster.
00:00:33
Speaker
So we all... Went there as a kid, I'm sure. and don't know about you guys, but I remember the day where you got your own Blockbuster card was pretty exciting. And obviously now we have access to way more movies than ever used to. But why did it seem more fun to go to Blockbuster and pick out a movie?
00:00:53
Speaker
Didn't it kind of feel like a little Black Friday shopping sometimes? Like you'd go to the section to see the movie that you wanted to rent, but the the case wouldn't be there.
00:01:05
Speaker
You know, they'd have cases, right? But sometimes it would all be gone. Yeah, that was that was really a thrill. Or it was like a scarcity, like, oh my gosh, I've got to get there. I've got to get that movie before anybody else does, you know?
Blockbuster Memories: Rewind Fees and Candy
00:01:18
Speaker
Remember they charge you for not rewinding your VHS? Yeah. No, I did not. They'd be like, yeah, that's 45 cents. Sorry, you're really going to be hurting next week.
00:01:32
Speaker
Back when 45 cents could buy you like a double cheeseburger, fries, and a large Coke. that's yeah they always serve always the Those candy prices were always pretty large.
00:01:43
Speaker
you know It'd be like $4 for a thing of Junior Mints and Urge. It's such a good idea, though, to make it feel like you're at the movie theater, though, right? i mean its the Mike and Ike's. What do you guys think is the most obscure candy that you only see or get at the movie theater?
00:02:01
Speaker
Cookie Dough Bites. Oh, cookie but yeah. Liz is ready for that one. Oh yeah. That's an easy one. raising it Raisinets. I only ever eat raisinets the movie
Humorous Blockbuster Anecdotes
00:02:12
Speaker
theater. I feel like.
00:02:13
Speaker
what was your What was your guys go to when you were at Cookie Delights for sure. but Junior Mints. yeah Junior Mints, yes, man. I'm feeling that for sure.
00:02:25
Speaker
still get those when I go to the movie theater. I think do too, but it's been a while. What do you got, Rob? Those polar icies? No, he's talking about the machine.
00:02:36
Speaker
The slushy. Those are good. I'm going to give you a brain teaser real quick. You wash it down with some popcorn, though. a But back to the kind of the initial, you be happy if Blockbuster came back or would you not care?
00:02:52
Speaker
I feel like I'm indifferent. Like if the world changed and streaming wasn't a thing anymore? so yeah You had the option to go to Blockbuster.
Marriage Insights from 'The 7 Principles'
00:03:02
Speaker
Didn't you guys always find it funny when they were like, do you want to add an extra night to it for $2 and it's like,
00:03:11
Speaker
I'm not going to watch it like twice in two days, you
00:03:16
Speaker
The upsell, baby. That's funny. My last memory of Blockbuster is witnessing a dude try to steal Yu-Gi-Oh cards from the Blockbuster. Oh, man.
00:03:28
Speaker
Sounds like a pretty intense memory. Do you want to talk about it? You know, I'm going to have to unpack that one in therapy for sure.
00:03:41
Speaker
but Maybe a different time and we have an extra hour.
00:03:48
Speaker
um So Garrett, you talked to your wife about one thing to take away from the last three chapters. Do you want to touch on that a little bit Sure. Yeah. She wasn't able to join tonight, but we did record our discussion offline.
00:04:04
Speaker
So let's take a listen to that real quick. Let me check the audio real quick so you'll see it right there. Testing, testing, one, two, three. A, B, C. Do, re, mi.
00:04:21
Speaker
See, you're going to be perfect at this. um Okay, Brooke, thank you for joining. it sounds like fake, like one.
00:04:32
Speaker
It sounds real. All right. Brooke, thanks for finally doing what you said. you do
00:04:43
Speaker
No, for real. Thanks for, thanks for joining and ah being the first kind of guest on the discussion of the seven principles for making marriage work.
00:04:54
Speaker
I'm happy to be here. I really enjoyed the book. This is my second time reading through it. Well, one and a half because I'd never finished it, but i was close. You were close. Yes. Well, thanks for going through it with us. So you're listening along.
00:05:08
Speaker
I'm reading it. And we're trying this new segment where we're talking about one takeaway from the first three chapters. So we were kind of talking beforehand, but one of the one things that, or the well, the one thing you mentioned that was really encouraging in the third chapter, when he's talking about the four horsemen and the six signs,
00:05:30
Speaker
that kind of like lead to divorce. One of those was bad memories. You had commented about how we look back, you know, we've had challenges in our marriage, but there's been a lot of like, when we look back, we both look on it with fondness.
00:05:44
Speaker
Even if it was like a tough season and there were challenges in it, you know, the overarching theme is like, wow, you're my best friend. And I really enjoy being with you and we've made fun memories. And that sort of thing. So that was cool to feel like that's a protective factor that that matters to marriages to be able to look back with fondness.
00:06:04
Speaker
Yeah. That can be healthy and helpful. Yeah. I feel like it's, yeah, just a measure of, of God's grace that there have been times that they've been pretty heavy. They've been pretty challenging and I even think of our time in China. yeah I think I've talked about it in previous books, whether it's the mask masculinity or this one, I think even in the introduction and getting married, moving overseas, yeah dating long distance and then, you know, getting married.
00:06:41
Speaker
learning how to live life together in a foreign country. There were just naturally lot of challenges. And when I look back, I think of positive thoughts. But there were also a lot of, you know, I remember Christmas was rough. And it was like, oh, first Christmas, being married, you don't envision that. And, you know, we're smiling about it. So it's not that we don't, like, remember the hard things or struggles, but that overarching, it's like, theme is, oh, I remember those times with fondness, you know, just like looking back, not necessarily the fights with fondness, but like overall, you know, it it kind of reminds me of like comparing it to having a newborn where it's like, you know, it's like when you are in those sleepless nights and you're feeding every like 20 minutes because they're cluster feeding and you're exhausted and you're like whisper yelling at each other, nightre you know, all those things like really stressful.
00:07:35
Speaker
And then it's like two years removed from that. And it's like, oh, I miss when the boys were babies. Like, let's have another baby, you know? And then it's like, it's so insane. Like, it doesn't erase the fact that those were really hard nights or sleepless nights or challenges. Like, those really were. But the overall theme is that it was like a really good and joyous time. Yeah. i think that does speak to like God's character and him being a redeeming God where it's like, it doesn't mean you're not going to experience hardships or challenges, but like he can redeem those things. And that's what i think of. I think of marriage. So.
00:08:15
Speaker
Absolutely. Well, yeah, this is the first time we're doing this segment, just giving it a shot. Is there anything else like an encouragement in that regard when you're thinking of the six signs or maybe someone's listening in and there's a lot of,
00:08:32
Speaker
you know, well, there's only men on this podcast. So hearing a female voice is nice. So from a, the wife's perspective, any encouraging words or anything to sign off on?
00:08:45
Speaker
Yeah. Well, I would think like, since that really impacts me of like being able to look back and look back on our wedding and be Oh, that was so fun. And i remember laughing and all the joy we had or a trip we've taken and how much fun that was. Like,
00:09:00
Speaker
speaks to the importance of like setting aside time to be intentional with each other and create memories and do fun things with each other. Because it's good when you are in like ah a valley or a season of struggle, like being able to remember those times where it's like, gosh, I'm not laughing now. I'm like super mad or my feelings are hurt. But like those little memories are like deposits in the bank.
00:09:27
Speaker
Yeah. You know? And so. take the time to go on a date night, you know, might not
Comedic Interlude: Brooks Brothers and Dating App
00:09:33
Speaker
be weekly, right? Like it might not be that ideal thing, but that you're setting aside time and being intentional to go and to make those memories and just show each other that you're a priority.
00:09:44
Speaker
Love it. Yeah. Well, thanks Brooke. You're welcome. Thank you, Brooke. I almost said Brooks Brothers. It's all about me. Thank you, Brooks Brothers, for having me.
00:09:56
Speaker
but
00:10:01
Speaker
Thanks for joining, Brooke. We appreciate the insight and getting back to principle one. But first, a word from our sponsors. Ladies, with all these filters and non-negotiables on dating apps, why not filter on the one thing that truly matters?
00:10:18
Speaker
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00:10:32
Speaker
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00:10:44
Speaker
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Understanding Love Maps in Relationships
00:10:56
Speaker
Disclaimer, this app is currently unavailable in Arkansas as we are unsure as to if they are your cousin. That's my favorite part. So good.
00:11:08
Speaker
That's a great one. Back to principle one, enhancing your love maps. John Gottman's research based on studying thousands of couples shows that the strongest relationships are built on a deep understanding of each other's worlds.
00:11:22
Speaker
This is what he calls a love map. A love map is the mental map you have of your partner's inner world, their dreams, fears, stressors, and joys. The deeper your love map, the stronger your emotional connection.
00:11:35
Speaker
Couples with strong love maps handle conflict better, stay connected, and have a more fulfilling relationship. Even if you're not married, this still applies to you. If you're dating, love maps help you build a strong foundation early. If you're single, this is still valuable because learning to ask deep questions And stay curious about someone's world is a skill that helps in any healthy relationship, romantic or not.
00:11:58
Speaker
What are love maps? Gottman says emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other's worlds. Love maps include details like your partner's biggest current worries, what makes them feel loved, their favorite ways to unwind, and their hopes and dreams.
00:12:14
Speaker
Why do they love maps matter? Couples who don't update their love maps often to grow apart. Strong love maps act as a relationship GPS, helping you navigate changes in life together, and they build trust and emotional security.
00:12:28
Speaker
So for for the first couple questions, what's something new you've learned about your wife or partner recently that surprised you? And how do you make an effort to stay updated on her world?
00:12:39
Speaker
I think I would lead personally with, it's been harder than I thought it would be having having a kid and staying up on just connecting with each other and talking on a more regular basis. It's something that we've definitely had to be a lot more intentional about.
00:12:53
Speaker
And with that being said, Ruth has gotten extremely passionate about ah variety of like different health things recently. um Just more simple foods, being more mindful of what's in certain medications.
00:13:07
Speaker
Definitely doing a lot more due diligence so before like choosing providers and stuff, especially when it comes to Daphne. I just want to make sure that we're taking good, smart decisions with her as she's growing and developing right now.
00:13:19
Speaker
And yeah, I think it's it's been an interesting thing because I think traditionally speaking in our relationship, I've been the one who's known more about health care health care. health, generally speaking, but I feel like she has and a lot of ways surpassed me in in particular with ah like nutrition and things related to medication in the last couple of years. And so that's something I've been like learning about Ruth.
00:13:43
Speaker
um It's been a huge passion for her that she's even like been thinking considering through like okay what is this i enjoy this what could this look like to maybe even do vocation at one point so that's kind of cool to see her getting that interesting it's like i wish i could say it goes perfectly because there' are certain things where then we've had i would say more disagreements on on some of the stuff that she how she wants it to go about things yeah it's just like working it out talking it out and trying to come to a solution together which isn't always perfect That's a good answer.
00:14:12
Speaker
Yeah. Wow. I learned something new about my wife, about her childhood last week that really surprised me. Unfortunately, I cannot remember now what that was, but I remember that. Oh my God. We'll cut that out. We'll cut that out.
00:14:29
Speaker
Yeah. It's just a long time ago. Oh yeah. And I'm racking my brain and I cannot think of what it was. Garrett's love map is an unknown destination. It's like the ocean.
00:14:46
Speaker
man Yeah, I can't remember. But it was there. it It happened. Was it something that it was like an interesting thing to learn? Was it something that surprised you It was an activity she did growing up.
00:14:59
Speaker
I think she played tennis in high school. i don't i think it was tangentially related to tennis. It was like some sort of sport that she did. I was like, you played that growing up? But I can't remember for sure. cool There's little things here and there.
00:15:14
Speaker
But clearly, I need a better job of remembering. Well, it's funny you say that. I feel like there's every a while you're having those stories and you're like realized you're like, oh, yeah. And the story that I told you before, I forgot about this detail. And, every you know, it's, you know, those kind of things. If you've been married for a while and rich over a while, it's pretty rare, but it it is kind of fun. Yeah.
00:15:33
Speaker
One thing I've learned about Emily, it's not all that recent, but it's new or newer to us, is that Emily really likes to listen to audiobooks.
00:15:46
Speaker
She's never been into reading many books before. I've always tried to get her to read books because I enjoy it. I think it's something that we could... enjoy it together, but I've never really truly been successful in getting her to read books.
00:16:03
Speaker
There were times, two times when we were dating that I bribed her that if she read all of The Lord of the Rings and all of Narnia, I would buy her a pair of shoes after she finished the series, which she did it and she got her pair of shoes.
00:16:17
Speaker
But... Ever since then, she hasn't really been interested in reading, but she's really into audiobooks and it's great. It's cool. And we can talk about some of my favorite books now. and Oh, so she's been listening the same books that you've been reading?
00:16:31
Speaker
Some of them. Yeah. She does a lot of her own and some that her friends are doing too. so That's cool. Yeah, it's just another added thing to talk about throughout our day and it's really enjoyable. Yeah.
00:16:42
Speaker
Nice. And then, Flezz, to answer your second question, how do you make an effort to stay updated on her world? Cool. I think that's just a part of our normal routine. Daily conversations about how our day is going. We often talk about planning for the future, what to do with our kids, what we're going to be saving money for, where we want to go for trips in the future.
00:17:03
Speaker
You frequently talk about that? Yeah, quite a bit. like good More than one time a week? I mean, not all of those things. Oh, okay. Wow, that's that's really That's great i just like that's that's a lot of... like Yeah, we don't cover all those things every week. and I don't know. Well, the reason i why was just curious is because I just listened to an Art of Manliness podcast and he recommended he had a
Routine Communication in Marriage
00:17:26
Speaker
marriage. I think I shared the episode with you guys and marriage expert something.
00:17:30
Speaker
And he recommended having a weekly kind of stand up meeting where it's 20 to 30 minutes at the top of the week where you talk more or less business like here are the soccer practices or the events we have and there's dinner this night I need to go to the grocery store this day and kind of map out the week and then the rest of the week you don't really have to talk business you can just get to know each other when you spend time together so that's why i was curious it sounded somewhat similar to that so that's cool that you have those regular touch points and talk about those deep family matters yeah
00:18:05
Speaker
Well, those things that you just mentioned, we probably do talk about them about once a week. Like what what events do we have coming this week? What do we need to meal plan for? Where do we need to take the kids in the evening?
00:18:17
Speaker
We do that pretty much weekly. That's awesome. You guys good to get asking questions like what was your favorite the favorite part of your day instead of how was your day? Like more intentional.
00:18:28
Speaker
You guys get at that? Yeah. Yeah. That's something I've been trying to do with my kids at dinner almost every night. And so we all eat dinner as a family. So I end up asking Emily the same question too. So yeah, that's a very regular thing for us. Awesome.
00:18:44
Speaker
I remember we were in Colorado this summer with the Brinkmeyers. So in their family, they do high, low, buffalo. So it's like what's your high? What's your low? And then what was something surprising, which is buffalo.
00:18:58
Speaker
I didn't make that connection with the word buffalo. But I would say on a regular basis, we'll ask that specific line of questions, and it was fun. Daphne doesn't much thoughts on that, though.
00:19:10
Speaker
Buffalo? Video? horse More ice cream? yeah Did you guys do the love maps questionnaire with your spouse?
00:19:23
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah, it was cool. I actually won by the end.
00:19:30
Speaker
ah Way to go get her, Floz. I beat her. I lost. I'll throw that in there. i lost. Oh my God. That was so funny. so It's just 20 questions about your your partner's like favorites or things going on in their life.
00:19:48
Speaker
I mean, some of these things were so basic. It's like, how would people not know these things? But I was just curious. So you won. So did you get them all right? I think I got all of them right. Yeah. She missed my birthday somehow.
00:20:01
Speaker
She said May 2nd, not May 1st. Well, she hasn't experienced it yet. That was like big pause. It's like, whoa.
00:20:11
Speaker
but so Red flag. red flag i Actually, it was a cool exercise because afterwards she told me that she thinks I know her better than anybody else besides maybe her mom, which is pretty cool.
00:20:23
Speaker
like Some of the questions like, ah what's like your greatest fear? Stuff like that. had really good answers for those things for her. yeah so was a cool activity. I think it brought us closer together for sure.
00:20:38
Speaker
Yeah. I mean, all these activities and that's what they're designed to do, right? so How you grow together, understanding and knowing your person or your your ah partner. so Yeah, definitely.
00:20:51
Speaker
So in this and the questionnaire, there were 20 questions like you mentioned, Rob, and his grading rubric was if you scored 10 or higher saying true, like, yes, I can name my partner's best friends or current worries.
00:21:05
Speaker
Which is only 50%. Yeah, so it's over 50% or higher. This is an area of strength for your marriage. Below 10 could use some improvement. So yeah, no no judgment. Just curious, was anyone below 10 here? It sounds like no, but just safe space.
00:21:22
Speaker
20 out of 20 here, boy.
00:21:27
Speaker
Let's move on to why love maps matter in marriage. They help you avoid emotional disconnection. So many relationships fail, not because... of big fights, but because of gradual emotional discon disconnection.
00:21:41
Speaker
ah a couple examples are a husband is focused on work stress and doesn't realize his wife is struggling with something personal, or a wife assumes her husband is the same person he was five years ago without recognizing how he has changed.
Adapting to Changing Partner Needs
00:21:56
Speaker
Gottman emphasizes that a happy marriage is built on a strong friendship. Friendship and marriage means knowing and appreciating each other, feeling understood and valued, and being a team through life's ups and downs.
00:22:09
Speaker
um Even if you're not married, this still matters. In dating, they help you see if you're truly compatible. If you're single, this applies to friendships too because deep connections aren't just about romance.
00:22:21
Speaker
The more you practice being curious and present with people in your life, the better prepared you'll be for a future relationship. Next question, have you ever had a moment where you realized you didn't know something important about your partner?
00:22:32
Speaker
How did that impact your relationship? I think if anything, it's it's probably more just details of specific events or things of their life that you've known, but since you haven't talked about it in years or know it's a memory that's been four years ago or whatever, it's harder to remember. So you're kind of like, hey...
00:22:57
Speaker
What did we do again that one time? Like, you know, parts of the details, but you don't know all of it. Right. And maybe that's the fun of it, too, of just both coming to the realization of what a memory actually entailed based on what both of you remember about it.
00:23:12
Speaker
More often with us, it's like you don't necessarily not know something important specifically, but maybe you assume like, okay, this is how something will go with us. Like for instance, we're looking at buying a house and we both had our own assumptions about the priorities we both have and finding the right property or focusing on you know one thing being a priority over another. And we had multiple sort of iterations of talking about these things before we were both on the same page in terms of like, okay, I've mapped out that I know what you want and what's most important to you.
00:23:45
Speaker
And you've mapped out the same for me. And now we can finally go look for something without any major conflict. When we see something, we'll just kind of know it's what each other wants or doesn't want. And I would say more often than forgetting or not knowing something specific it's like okay i had assumed some things maybe i shouldn't have assumed or that maybe the love map i was using was outdated do you feel like that caused like in particular with this as relates to buying a house thomas did that cause any conflict or was there any component where you're like oh we don't think the same way with this did you face that at all Yeah, I mean, the good thing about the way we were doing it is she kind of had in mind lifestyle and our needs at the top of the list, whereas I had budget and finances at the top of my list a lot of the time. So we kind of almost evened each other out, even though there was a little bit of conflict there.
00:24:35
Speaker
when I really liked the idea of something that she didn't like or vice versa, we ended up kind of coming to a place to where we were like, okay, well, it's good that we're both not solely focused on the same stuff so that we don't yeah get kind of off balance, if you will. But yeah, I mean, I feel i feel like there's a always a little bit of conflict when you have a...
00:24:52
Speaker
difference in opinion about some of these large life decisions. Yeah. I think you saying that just makes me think in relation to your question, Adam, where I don't think these there's these big moments where it's like, oh, i you know i forgot something or there was something totally new that came up. But you do have things like Thomas mentioned like this, that at least I've been experienced. so Ruth and I have been married almost 10 years now.
00:25:13
Speaker
We were together for like three years before that. And when you come up on like these big decisions, buying a home, you know, when we moved out of the Midwest, whenever we started having conversations about having kids, how to raise a kid. And I think these are the conversations where it's like you, it's just a conversation you haven't had before maybe.
00:25:35
Speaker
and so again like you said it's like you sometimes have these assumptions like oh this person's gonna think this or think that like i think about as it relates to the house stuff where i i think ruth was we were probably a little bit the opposite where i i wanted to kind of dream more and ruth wanted like i wanted to have a nicer home that had nicer things to it whereas ruth wanted like something that was more practical And like I was more OK with like kind of moving out of like the city, whereas she like wanted to stay closer to the city. or And I think, too, like with like on kind of both when it comes to like those big changes, but also i think there's been a couple times I can think of where Ruth has slowly changed or I have slowly changed with something.
00:26:21
Speaker
And then so it's like all of a sudden it hits you. You're like, oh, you're different in this way than you used to be in the past. And I think one thing for us is that Ruth was always and you guys would probably all test this from what you remember with Ruth is she was fairly reserved.
00:26:35
Speaker
and didn't really share her opinion a ton. And i would say it's really been really good thing and a cool thing, but I would say she probably found her voice a lot, probably like 2018, 2019.
00:26:46
Speaker
eighteen twenty nineteen So maybe a little before then, but it was a couple of years into our marriage and it was a challenge. It was a change, you know, so the, but the change was a challenge at times because it was like our normal pattern of things. Like maybe I normally made a decision on something and that was fine in the past, but that wasn't going fine anymore. And I don't think I was anyway being like an oppressive person with this, but it was just things where it was like I was used to to making the decision. And then it came to work. She's like, oh, want to have more of a say now. And so it was just kind of adjusting.
00:27:15
Speaker
That reminds me of a lot of people I've just kind of met and talked to in my career because I've done a lot of projects where I'm out in the field with people who travel for a living.
00:27:26
Speaker
And they're frequently away from their spouse for months at a time. yeah And when they start to tell you stories about how things are going with their family life or their wife or their kids, and, you know, they they tell you some of the stories of like, oh yeah, I've been divorced twice or I've had, you know, my my kid's not happy with me because I haven't seen him in so long or my wife wants me to come home or whatever, you know.
00:27:50
Speaker
You can just tell the love maps are outdated there. Like they don't spend enough time together to even have a chance to update these things. And, you know, that's really hard. And I feel like time is a huge component.
00:28:02
Speaker
You know, i I read through these things and I just keep coming back to like this. You know, as you mentioned, time spent together, but also time being present together as being a huge thing. that Even if you don't travel for work, you know, how much are you actually present?
00:28:15
Speaker
when you're together versus doing something or on your phone or watching something or whatever yeah that's a great that's a great point i feel like i struggle with that sometimes just you're there you're physically present but are you mentally emotionally present to the conversation did you miss the point of what your spouse was trying to make or did you even hear the story completely right um i think that's that's been an area of growth within me,
Addressing Anxieties and Emotional Sharing
00:28:42
Speaker
I'll say. yeah So, yeah but man, even this book, like you hear of this Rory guy and he doesn't even know the family dog. Like, yeah what are you like? What are you doing? Like, you don't even know the dog. Like I just have some of these stories in this. I mean, I don't know. They seem very extreme where it's like, how does this guy not know the dog's name?
00:29:04
Speaker
Is that the doc that's addicted to work? Yeah. yeah I bet you a lot of people in his situation end up putting all their attention towards their their career because they've put so much poured so much into it. And then it's like the sunken cost fallacy or whatever to where it's like you have to double down on on your career every single time you have to make a decision because you've already gone so far you can't step back now you know to spend time with your family or pay attention to your dog I don't know if I had a specific moment where I realized i didn't know something about my spouse.
00:29:36
Speaker
I think it's more of a gradual thing, but Emily's very good at hiding or not showing her worries and anxiety. And so I have no idea... that she's worrying about 20, 30 different things at one time until they all come out at once.
00:29:53
Speaker
And i didn't realize that until probably a year after we were married. I just thought she was always super chill, super go with the flow, you know, but deep down, she's not talking about all of the things that are running through her mind all the time.
00:30:10
Speaker
And so when those things come out, it's like, Whoa, where is this coming from? Like, we haven't talked about this at all. I had no idea you were going through this. yeah So that's happened several times over the years where Garrett, I think you coined it while back, like a volcano or something.
00:30:30
Speaker
where everything just builds up and then explodes all at once. You can't see it happening underneath, but when it comes out, yeah, it's it's pretty big. And so um I think we both, we both need to get better about it, but we have been trying to talk about those things more, more often. Yeah.
00:30:48
Speaker
Yeah, thats that's good. I know I've talked about like how we've kind of instituted these um biweekly, monthly check-ins. It just kind of gives us each a space to share things that are on our heart or things that we recognize in seeing each other. But...
00:31:06
Speaker
um Yeah, I can see how that doing something like that creates a space, like a safe space, a known safe space for the spouse to be like, hey, yeah, I'm actually still struggling with these things or this is worrying me.
00:31:21
Speaker
um That way she knows it's coming. You know it's coming. Or if she glosses over it right, you can share and be like, hey, is it? Is it everything okay? You know? so Yeah.
00:31:32
Speaker
But that that' that's a great recognition or an awareness. Thanks for I feel like a lot of times if one person's struggling or stressed out about something, the other doesn't want to bring anything up to pile on to that burden, even though it's better to have it out in the open and not let it build up.
00:31:49
Speaker
But I feel like that happens a lot.
Deepening Love Maps and Weekly Challenge
00:31:51
Speaker
yeah So some practical ways we can deepen our love maps are to ask questions and stay curious. ah the love map exercise or any of the exercises really in the book that we already talked about.
00:32:02
Speaker
And then just making it making it a habit to set aside, you know, regular time to catch up, weekly check-ins.
00:32:10
Speaker
And then so some challenges and common pitfalls. So one could be not making time for connection. Life gets busy, careers, kids, stress, but prioritizing connection is essential.
00:32:22
Speaker
Assuming you already know everything, your partner isn't the same person they were five years ago. Keep learning about them. ah Technology and distractions. Checking your phone instead of engaging with your partner weakens emotional connection.
00:32:36
Speaker
Emotional distance creeping in. When couples stop updating their love maps, they can become emotionally distant roommates rather than partners. The last question is, what gets in the way of staying updated on your partner's world? How do you overcome those challenges?
00:32:50
Speaker
I think time. I just feel like not having enough time with each other that' that's not taken up by either a distraction or just trying to you know solve all the problems life throws at you or you know do all the tasks you have to do.
00:33:07
Speaker
I mean, today's world is pretty demanding on on Anybody, but couples too, especially if you have kids. So yeah, just trying to find the time to keep updated with each other's love maps is probably one of the biggest things, like biggest resource that people lack, I would think.
00:33:24
Speaker
Yeah. One thing we always talk about is curiosity. So rather than... like the guilt of not knowing something about your spouse, like be super excited and curious about finding out something new about your spouse. I think that that's where the landscape of the conversation changes from, my gosh, I can't believe you didn't know that.
00:33:51
Speaker
You should have known that too Wow, I'd love to tell you about that. Yeah, that's good. and Let me share this with you. um Because, yeah it's exciting to find out new things about your spouse. think that's really good, Rob. I think what i you know, I hear that and I think about like for Ruth and I, it's just like putting the energy into it. So...
00:34:13
Speaker
Ruth and i went through the questionnaire, I think two nights ago, we happened to have been having like a conflict that had lasted like two days before this, where we just like, we're kind of butting heads about stuff. And was one of those things where it's like, okay, should we like kind of forced to do this activity?
00:34:28
Speaker
We did this activity and it helped. And getting to sit down and talk about things that you enjoy. You you know, I love Ruth. She loves me.
00:34:38
Speaker
Like we love to get to know each other more and spend time together. And so I think that, you know, in a marriage, if you're both aspiring to or a relationship, if you're trying to make this relationship as best as you can,
00:34:50
Speaker
when you actually put the energy and time in, I feel like it's always very fruitful and ends up being like a really fun thing. And yeah, can just leave you with kind of a good feeling. Want you to do more activity like that, but also grow you closer towards your spouse.
00:35:06
Speaker
All right. So let's to close this episode up. Love maps are the foundation of a strong lasting relationship. The more you know your partner's world, the deeper your connection, small daily check-ins build long-term intimacy.
00:35:20
Speaker
A challenge for everyone for the week is to ask your partner one new question about their life and just pay attention to how that conversation strengthens your connection. Next time, we'll be diving into principle two, nurture your fondness and admiration. Gottman says that couples who maintain a sense of respect and appreciation for each other have a much stronger foundation.
00:35:40
Speaker
so we'll be talking about how to keep that admiration alive in long-term relationships and how it impacts marriage and commitment. Before we wrap up, take a moment to reflect on your own love map.
00:35:51
Speaker
How well do you truly know your partner's inner world? Are there areas where you can grow and deepen that understanding? And whether you're married, dating, or single, strong relationships don't just happen. They're built over time.
00:36:03
Speaker
The way you connect with people now sets the foundation for future relationships. If something stood out to you today, put in a put it into practice this week. Ask your partner. or even a close friend, a new question, really listen to their response and see how it strengthens your connection.
Listener Engagement and Future Episodes
00:36:18
Speaker
We'd love to hear your thoughts, whether it's something that stood out to you from today's discussion or how your love met map challenge goes. Send us a message or share your experience with us on Instagram at booksbrotherspodcast.com.
00:36:30
Speaker
Check out the show notes if you're interested in any of the questionnaires that we talked about in the episode today. Thanks for tuning in to the Books Brothers podcast. We appreciate you being part of this conversation and working to build stronger relationships.