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187. The Transformative Power of Grief Massage with Marelda Rodrigues
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Marelda Rodrigues is a thought leader in Grief Wellness, and believes deeply that suffering in grief is optional. She developed her version of Grief Massage, from idea to reality, after a life changing conversation with a client. Her whole person wellness approach includes massage therapy, nutrition, movement, mindset, connection and sleep. She specializes in helping women in their 50s feel seen and heard as they navigate numerous life changes, transitions and growth through grief, so they can realize the dream they didn’t know they had.
Connect with Marelda Rodrigues https://mareldarodrigues.com/
Her Book: https://mareldarodrigues.com/the-abcs-of-grief-wellness/
Connect with Kendra Rinaldi https://www.griefgratitudeandthegrayinbetween.com/
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Transcript
Understanding Grief
00:00:01
Speaker
The thing about grief is grief is extremely painful. It is painful in the mind. The very thought of the loss is painful. So now what happens is that grief, which is the response to loss, feels painful because we have something called an emotional body.
00:00:27
Speaker
We have a physical body, we have a mental body, which is your brain. ah We have an emotional body, we have a spiritual body, and we have an energy body.
Grief in Life Changes
00:00:47
Speaker
This podcast is about exploring the grief that occurs at different times in our lives in which we have had major changes and
00:01:03
Speaker
I created this podcast for people to feel a little less hopeless and alone in their own grief process as they hear the stories of others who have had similar journeys. I'm Now, let's dive right into today's episode.
00:01:23
Speaker
functional medicine certified health coach. And her emphasis is particularly wellness while grieving. And we will be talking about what got her to be in this space, what her own grief journey has been, and what she's doing now.
Merelda's Transition to College
00:01:40
Speaker
So welcome, Merelda. Thank you so much, Kendra. So lovely to be here. Thank you.
00:01:46
Speaker
I am happy that you are here and you found the podcast through but another podcast guest I had many, many, many, many years ago. but um Probably when I first started is when I had Crystal. Yeah, it was through Crystal. Is that correct? I think so. Yeah, yeah. that's something Did you meet meet her or was it because you heard the episode? Well, I ended up being on a summit of hers.
00:02:12
Speaker
And so we did a little bit of ah a conversation then. um It's been a while, but I wanted to reach out to her as well because of doing this podcast. Yeah. Perfect. Well, great. Well, I'm glad that you're here. So share with us about your grief experience. One of the things you mentioned was one of those being moving when you were 18, which that we have in common, by the way, that was my case as well.
00:02:39
Speaker
Yes, we do have that in common. I did come to the United States when I was 18. And you know like any 18-year-old who's coming to the US, s you're all excited and you're like, oh, I'm going to be doing this and I'm going to be doing that. And um I was coming to go to college. So I was all excited because I'm an only child and now I was going to have a whole dorm full of people. And so it was all this excitement. and then I came here with my parents. They came to drop me off and they lived on the other side of the planet. And then a couple of days, you know, orientation began and they left. And I first, I was like, Oh, this is kind of cool. It's going to be like one huge slumber party and no parents, no nothing. And I was like, but then that sort of reality sinks in where
00:03:37
Speaker
You can't just go to the next room and say, Hey mom, Hey dad, and ask the question. Okay. Yeah. You have a telephone, but now there's call me card calling cards, cards that back then it was not. And then the time difference and there's something difference and that's the whole thing. You can't still just pick up the phone and say, Hey mom and dad, or you can't just say, Hey, you know, I'm coming home for the weekend.
Realizing Grief Beyond Bereavement
00:04:02
Speaker
or it's Thanksgiving and the dorm is closed and the cafeterias are closed and I'm coming home. Okay, maybe not. So these types of realities slowly started to sink in. And I then swung the other way and went into like a terrible, like almost like I couldn't stop sobbing. And Of course, at that time, you're not thinking grieve. You're just thinking, I miss my family. You don't even have the mindset or the sentences or the thought process to even think about that. Yeah, or just depression is the first word that comes to mind. Like, that's what I thought. I was like, oh, am I depressed? But I was grieving. i was grieving But mine was when after my sister died. but But that type of thing of just crying in the middle of like,
00:04:51
Speaker
in the way yeah In the middle of no and it's the exact same thing. and And you know, the more I think about it, how it's so similar to whether it's a bereavement or or a divorce or, ah ah you know, getting a diagnosis that's scary. it's It's very similar to that sort of like gripping feeling. And It continued for a while and now the unfortunate piece was the beginning part of my stay was a little bumpy in my freshman semester. um It was a little bumpy so it added another layer to this grief because now the slumber party wasn't happening as I thought it was going to happen. So it's it's sort of that grief of the dream you had that didn't materialize.
Travel and Emotional Cycles
00:05:35
Speaker
um But what I started to notice every single time was when I left the US and I landed, you know, back in my parents' space, I felt sort of an ease and a sort of like calm. And then the night before I was supposed to come back to the US,
00:05:56
Speaker
I would feel this anxiety and I would feel just, I couldn't sleep. I couldn't, you know, and my stomach would be in knots and I could never understand why. And I'm thinking, I finished my college. I've finished all of this stuff. I've been in the US for a long time. Why is this happening?
00:06:17
Speaker
And believe me, Kendra, this happened all the way until I started my grief work in 2019. That's a lot of years for your body to have these ups and downs every time you're going to your parents' home country.
Grief Work and Body Wellness
00:06:33
Speaker
And then after I started grief work, because I work in the wellness space, it's all about the body and what the body says in grief, how it reacts, what it does, how long, where does it go?
00:06:44
Speaker
you know, every piece matters. And when I finally fell into this grief space from a body wellness perspective, it was like finding that one piece of the jigsaw puzzle that you're searching under the sofa, you're searching your cat took it somewhere, like you can't find that one piece. And I felt like I found that one piece of the jigsaw puzzle and I clicked it in and my picture was complete. And now, because I have a whole framework that I take clients through, you know, when they're experiencing these body ah waves and sensations and things like that, because I do that on my own, right? I give myself my own medicine.
00:07:32
Speaker
um I now no longer feel that way. And if it even so much as starts to have a tickle, I know exactly how to soothe myself in a way that I don't feel that anymore. So it's actually been a completely different experience, not having those anxious moments the night before the flight or something like that. And it's just so freeing.
00:08:00
Speaker
I would never have known this ever, because who talks about it? Who says, oh, the night before you're flying, you're anxious. Nobody even talks about it. So I say all this because I want people to realize that grief comes in so many different nuanced ways. It's not only my my person died or my pet died.
00:08:24
Speaker
um It can come in so many different iterations of loss. Oh, you, you say everything that I completely align with. And the reason I even so started even coaching with most of the coaching that I was doing at the beginning when I was doing grief coaching had to do with other types of grief and, and more of those transitions in life. Any major life transition.
00:08:54
Speaker
can lead to grief. Do you feel grief every single time? No, but there are people that do, and there are certain situations in which you do. I even say even happy moments like can lead to grief, a marriage, a birth.
00:09:08
Speaker
you know it's i um Yeah, there's just a complex. it it just yeah It's complex. We don't know. So it's so good that you are doing this this work. Now, let's go back into your college years. You came then in the 90s, approximately.
Life Transitions and Grief
00:09:26
Speaker
In the 80s. And then in 1999,
00:09:33
Speaker
your mother passed away. Can you talk then you've had already been experiencing then grief from this major transition of your life of moving and not knowing what all these emotions were. Oh, actually in that moment, what were you studying by the way? What did you major when you came? Were you already studying in the, in the functional medicine space or what were you majoring in when you moved here? Just curious. I actually started out as a computer science major and then I realized that I could not deal with machines. I needed people. So I but i became a food hotel management major. So I'm actually professionally trained in culinary arts.
00:10:14
Speaker
so However, my experience as a student taught me that I never wanted to be in the restaurant industry. It was a brutal industry, so now I utilize that to also bring in wellness when people are grieving because the way people eat during grieving times is completely different.
00:10:34
Speaker
I agreed. and just how your body even Even if you eat the same thing, how your body is going to be able to yeah take that is going to be different because stress creates so and stress and grief creates so many different things in our body. Okay, so that was a parenthesis. Then I moved on to ah getting my master's in human resources.
00:10:54
Speaker
Which is where a lot of my coaching world began because it's about learning how to negotiate make decisions critical thinking all around corporate leaders and so leadership corporate leadership corporate HR was my.
00:11:11
Speaker
ah playground. um And then you'd then you and now in
Family Secrets and Impact of Loss
00:11:18
Speaker
functional medicine. So with with then your mom passing, 1999, take us, who was Merelda then? Who were you then? And what were the circumstances around in your life and your parents' life at the time of her death?
00:11:35
Speaker
So I had not seen, because of various immigration pieces being put together, I didn't really have an opportunity to see my parents a lot. ah They also were going through some things that didn't permit them to travel outside of their space, so not necessarily only to the US, s but just to travel in general. But the time came in 1999 where um a visit happened, so they were able to come and visit me.
00:12:05
Speaker
um And I lived in Atlanta at the time. And when I saw my parents, you know, after you see them after so long and it's so nice, but my mom was just not looking 100% and she was not feeling 100%.
00:12:20
Speaker
And she was very scared of doctors. She was very, very scared. So she would never, even in my childhood, she would just say, oh, just take this painkiller and you'll be fine. yeah um And she would, you know, if anything happened, she would just blow it up and go, oh my God, we're going to have to see a doctor and they're going to tell us this and it's going to be bad news. And so knowing that that is her personality, I just, and I knew that my dad is the complete opposite. He's the kind who would drag her to the doctors when he was going for his own health. But she kept the secret between me and my dad. So she wouldn't talk about her ah not feeling well with my dad and me in the room at the same time. She would tell me if he was taking a shower or if he was taking a nap, then she would say something to me.
00:13:11
Speaker
And I said to her, because at that time in 1999, I also was in massage school. And I said to her, mom, if somebody like looking like you came to get a massage from me, I would not massage them. I would send them to the doctor. And she said, oh, well, I have been to the doctor. And he just told me that you know just to take my pills and I'll be fine. and I didn't know any better, so I was like, okay, well, at least she's handled it, and my dad's in the know, so everything should be fine.
00:13:43
Speaker
um As they were leaving, I had a really interesting sense of premonition that I wasn't going to see one of my parents again. But I didn't know which one. um I just had this sense I was driving them to the airport ah And so, you know, they got back. We talked on the phone. They had landed. Everything was good. They had settled back in. And I had talked to them a couple of times after that. And then a month and a half later, I got a call from my cousin saying, I don't have good news for you. Your mom has just passed away.
00:14:25
Speaker
And she, you know in retrospect, what had happened was she had been having minor heart attacks along the way, which is why she wasn't looking good. And so that, because she was so scared, ah when she finally went to the doctor, she had a chest infection, so they were just waiting for the chest infection to come down a little bit, so they could really attend to her heart, would have which was more of a chronic issue.
00:14:52
Speaker
But in that time, she had a heart attack that was massive. And then even the day of the heart attack, she kept saying, I have a backache. And she asked my dad if he could massage her back. And so many things came to light after her death.
Cooking as a Channel for Grief
00:15:07
Speaker
First of all, the whole fact that women feel heart attacks differently than men.
00:15:13
Speaker
the fact that most studies are done with male subjects. And so the information on female heart attacks was so much later. So, you know, it's good news, bad news, right? Many people have to sort of like not make it before new studies are made and then you get new information and you can work on the new information.
00:15:41
Speaker
So how did I feel at that time in my career? I was in a bit of a transition. I was doing really well in my HR career, but I was kind of stagnating in my job and I was looking for new opportunities. I was getting through my immigration. I was doing through all of this, going through all of this. So because of being in this transitional immigration phase, I was unable to attend her funeral.
00:16:06
Speaker
So it was almost like giving my dad phone support while I was doing my own grieving. And lucky for me at the time, I'll tell you the universe really has your back. um I happen to have an amazing therapist who helped me in so many different ways, not only just the loss of my mom, but also helping me um assimilate all my new feelings or my thoughts with where I was in my life and and and how to support my dad in this you know in the same thing while I'm trying to um soothe my own heart. So I would say in the beginning, I don't know where I had this intuition.
00:17:03
Speaker
My mom loved to cook and she was an amazing cook. I'm professionally trained, so I love to cook. And I just woke up one morning and I thought, you know, when I cook, I'm just gonna think about her. And little did I know at the time that I actually was channeling my mom. So to this day when I cook, i don't I'm not conscious about it anymore.
00:17:31
Speaker
But I already know that I've brought her into the cooking session and that her energy is around me. So to me, that was the first thing I did to get close because um that was such a strong common piece for both of us. um But yeah, I remember thinking, wow, this is, you know, what does death really mean? It just means you no longer have access.
Understanding Loss and Connection
00:18:01
Speaker
to whatever it is. You don't have access to get new recipes. You don't have access to just say hello. You don't have access to someone who probably cared for you more than any person ever will. So there's a lot of that loss of access and to fill that void is I feel where people literally feel like they've fallen in quicksand and they're flailing around because of this void. And this is why I spend so much time helping people. I always tell people, you've got to have your extinguisher before the fire. The next best time is get the extinguisher as soon as you're in the fire. Don't wait to see if you're going to get burned or not.
00:18:54
Speaker
So I hope that kind of speaks to what you were asking. Oh, yeah, it speaks a lot. I love so many things that you mentioned the part of how intuitively.
00:19:08
Speaker
Intuitively, you grieved in the way of connecting yourself with her through cooking. That reminds me, like for me, intuitively at the age of 21, I would just write letters to my sister when she had already died. That was my way of Griefing. Nobody said write letters to her. Nobody said that. It was intuitive of what I did. be But so a lot of times I think that we don't even trust ourselves in the process of grief and like what instinctively we do have in our
00:19:48
Speaker
in our arsenal already, that in our toolbox, to be able to access. And that's when other people reminding us, you know like yourself, is remind people, what do you have? And if you don't, like let's add something else to your toolbox so that, like you said, you're not you don't just try to scramble to find the extinguisher when the fire is already there. You already have it.
00:20:12
Speaker
So that that's all so, so well said. So thank you. Now take us into how it looked like, the difference in your grief journey and your dad of something that was ah like, oh, like a ah light bulb hit when you saw the different ways in which you were grieving and your dad was grieving after your mom's passing and what you kind of thought was the the reasoning maybe behind some of the differences in grieving. Yes, when I was in when my mom passed away, I was in massage school.
The Power of Touch in Grief
00:20:51
Speaker
So when you're in massage school, what do you do in your classes? You massage people and people massage you. And in my dad. Was in his house.
00:21:04
Speaker
um in shock from my mom's passing and just trying, you know he he was very numb emotionally. He shut down and his sisters tried to help him and you know get him to his meals or get him to the funeral and get all this other stuff. Now, what I feel the biggest difference was,
00:21:28
Speaker
is that that touch doesn't matter if it was, um you know, we don't have to say whether it's Swedish or deep tissue, or we don't have to name these things, but human touch right from the time when we're babies is the most soothing, nurturing,
00:21:50
Speaker
connection to another human being. I mean, just think about it. If you're talking to a child or you're talking to your spouse and you even just tap their arm or you put your arm around the child, you're creating a safe space. You're creating a connection that does not need or has words to it. And while all these thoughts were not formulated at the time, I believe my body was keeping a record, okay, this is happening, this is happening. And by virtue of the touch, I always felt comforted and soothed and like I had people to talk to, like they understood what i what I needed. And this was also unplanned. It wasn't like I went to a massage school to get massages. I was just in school.
00:22:48
Speaker
and Now when I go back and I look at that and I know what I know about the body from even you know understanding massage therapy but also understanding the nervous system, understanding functional medicine and how it operates and what we look at and how we really give the body an opportunity. You see, because the mind is all over the place. The mind is, this is why we call it monkey mind. I mean, if you've ever gone to the zoo and watched monkeys in a cage and how they swing back and forth in one minute, they're doing something next minute, they're doing something, your mind is exactly that. But the body I feel is a very quiet, old, wise sage.
Body Wisdom vs. Mind Chaos
00:23:37
Speaker
And when you tap into that wise sage, you don't see sages around wild monkeys. I haven't. And I come from a country that has both. So I have not seen them in the same place. um But when you tap into the wisdom of the sage and you you you almost in reverence, you have to calm down, you have to listen, you have to believe that this sage knows what they're telling you. And from years of being a massage therapist, I find it very interesting that when people come in and they say, so and so is wrong, and this is what's happening, and this is where I have pain, and I know exactly when they're in their head,
00:24:25
Speaker
And I know what's happening in their body because when I touch them, I get one message and then the human is chatting away and telling me something else. And the two are not matching. And then I have to um let them know that what my finding is and what they're telling me does not align and where we might want to go to be able to solve the body problem. And you cannot solve the body problem necessarily in the mind. You have to solve it in the body.
00:25:06
Speaker
That's an amazing phrase right there. It's so true. It's like, with's like do do as I say, no do you you know that the actions speak louder than words out component and then you in your findings ah with your patients seeing this, with your clients seeing this,
00:25:28
Speaker
happen right there in front of you. The part of the body too, aside from like touch just being so soothing. ah you so You talked about the nervous system. Can you talk a little bit about emotions and how they can be also stored in the body and then how then massage or movement plays a part in this grief journey as well? Absolutely.
00:25:55
Speaker
And this is actually the crux of what I do and the ideas around grief massage formulated from being a massage therapist for so long and understanding that I needed to bring this wisdom out to the world because we spend so much time going, I'm going to talk to my grief counselor, I'm going to talk to my pastor, I'm going to talk to my mentor, I'm going to talk to whoever we're going to talk to.
00:26:25
Speaker
And we hope that at some point the pain of the grief can be dissipated like and like a painkiller, like a pill. And it does not happen because it's like giving a headache pill for a digestive problem.
00:26:50
Speaker
It's not a match. emotions originate in a part of your brain, but they actually become emotions as we know them in the body.
Body-Focused Healing in Grief
00:27:05
Speaker
And the easiest way to understand this is if you look at someone and you wonder, oh, I wonder if they're like really angry. I wonder if they're sad.
00:27:20
Speaker
What are you looking at? You're looking at their body expression. You're looking at their dripping shoulders. You're looking at their flushed face. You're looking at their breathing. You're looking at the fact that they're clenching their jaw. When someone's happy, you're looking at them jump up and scream, right, in happiness. So we emote with our body. We don't emote with our words. You can say, I'm happy.
00:27:43
Speaker
But that doesn't tell anybody anything. But the minute you start to jump up and down because you're so happy, or they're tears of joy, or you know you're just ah cooing at a baby or on a puppy or something, right that you're emoting. You're in your body. So the the thing about grief is grief is extremely painful. It is painful in the mind. The very thought of the loss is painful.
00:28:12
Speaker
So now what happens is that grief, which is the response to loss, feels painful because we have something called an emotional body. We have a physical body. We have a mental body, which is your brain. ah We have an emotional body. We have a spiritual body and we have an energy body. So when I speak of the emotional body, what I'm saying is,
00:28:41
Speaker
emotional emotional pain and physical pain light up the same part of the brain. So your brain is unable to tell whether this is a physical pain, like I cut my finger, or an emotional pain that is causing my stomachache. So it all shows up as one big hodgepodge. But because we know physical pain, because conventional medicine has a pill for every ill,
00:29:10
Speaker
um We disregard that we have an emotional body and we've kind of thrown it a bone through calling it mental health care, but it is very different. When you're addressing the physical, I'm sorry, when you're addressing the emotion, you have to address it through your physical body or what I call below the neck.
00:29:34
Speaker
And the way you do that is you do things that are comforting. So taking a nap, ah doing some stretching,
00:29:47
Speaker
ah taking a warm bath, cocooning under a blanket and just sort of like feeling the warmth of the blanket and whatever is comforting in that way.
00:30:00
Speaker
eating a really good meal because you have to put it in your mouth, you have to feel the sensations. ah you know So maybe if you have some what we call comfort food, like maybe it's a dish from your childhood or whatever your parent gave you when you were sick, something like that, that can create a bit of that soothing. But you cannot avoid that emotional pain by talking.
00:30:27
Speaker
But because that's what we're used to, we kind of talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk. And we still don't feel relief from the pain.
00:30:39
Speaker
It's when we start embracing that I've got to sit in stillness. I've got to let the pain just be there. I've got to um work with some things that can soothe and comfort me through the pain and allow it to dissipate. And it does, but it is, I'm not even going to sugar coat it because It is a painful journey, but it is a journey that you're either going to take and come out enriched on the other side in any which way, or you're going to stay um almost in ah in a sheltered, cocooned, afraid kind of way. Like stagnant, like stagnant just or...
00:31:34
Speaker
It's almost a contraction. You're gonna stay in a contracted way, emotional contraction, right? Rather than a release. Rather than a release, exactly. And you're going to now, because it happens in the body, the emotions get stuck and now you've got precursors to either musculoskeletal problems like joint problem, muscle problem, I can't do this, I can't move this, I can't climb stairs, that, or you're going to have some sort of
00:32:03
Speaker
a physiological condition like an autoimmune or diabetes or whatever it is, right? So you are going to manifest. There is no if ands or buts. This is not my opinion. This is plenty of studies. I've shown this ah very common. Very common is autoimmune conditions because auto means you're self directing. So when you repress or suppress emotions, you're putting them inward, which means they've got to go somewhere. They lodge in your body.
00:32:32
Speaker
You're going to see the outcomes. I have seen this so many times right in front of my eyes. I have seen people that have remained in their stressful. It is a choice. They have remained because they are so afraid of not having that known feeling you get used to yeah that feeling it's like you're like even though this is it's kind of like so I was gonna say like Stockholm so I don't know like even in that aspect of staying in a space in which even though it's horrible it's what you know like if someone stays
00:33:07
Speaker
I don't know. know about An abusive relationship or things like that. let's just i not that not ah Not that every relationship is the same. I was just trying to give you guys an example. sure The same here. It's something that is known. And so therefore, like well if I leave this,
00:33:21
Speaker
i I don't know any how to react with a person that might be a different way, right? So if I leave this feeling of distress and anxiety, which sometimes it's still it's triggering like sometimes mo and endorphins in our body, even those emotions that we get hooked on, right? Physically, is that correct? Like do we get hooked on sometimes these rushes of endorphins that come from when we're angry or upset that then we seek even moments of feeling that way? Yeah, so what ends up happening is, you know, the body is very interesting. Your nervous system is always going to keep you alive. Its job is survival.
Biological Aspects of Grief
00:34:07
Speaker
So this is why I say to people, if you keep talking about grief, that's more psychology.
00:34:14
Speaker
you can You cannot talk your way out of grief because grief is a biology and your biology will always win over psychology, always. all right Now what's happening in the biology is emotions are creating chemical ah releases and those chemical releases are sort of creating a patchwork of, oh, I feel sued when this happens. So this is the chemical formula and your body kind of says, okay, we'll put enough of this chemical formula together. So now you're going to be happy. So when we are faced with something that is not happy in that context, we go reach for this chemical relief.
00:35:01
Speaker
in the only way we know how, even if it's an addiction. And so this is why when you when you know when you you're looking with someone who's in an unfavorable relationship, okay ah whether it is abusive or or in any way unfavorable, you have to look at what is the gain there.
00:35:24
Speaker
And the gain is, you know, sometimes it's a monetary gain, but what does that monetary gain do? It creates a chemical release as well, relief as well. I have money, so I feel safe, so I have these many chemicals released. So I'm going to take that.
00:35:40
Speaker
chemical hit again so that I can stay in this. So when you come in and you are observing this relationship from afar and you're seeing that it's not going right and you explain to the person, hey, you know, this isn't in your favor and may need some change or shifting or whatever, you're now seen as the threat because you're getting in the way of that chemical hit.
00:36:05
Speaker
And this is why, because neurobiologically, you are wired to stay safe. So your nervous system now sees the, it changes, your your your brain changes, your chemicals change, your patterns change in favor of that safety, perceived safety. So when the person has to learn a new way to be safe, that starts out by feeling dangerous.
Creating Emotional Safe Spaces
00:36:33
Speaker
until they slowly have to dismantle all the stuff that was not there or or rather not serving them and have to slowly build the neural pathways and chemical shifts to the safe way. Now they have to find a new safe. When they find the new safe, think about it, anything that now you have a new safe, you don't feel triggered about the old thing, but until that new place, the new safe is created, you are going to feel triggered. So triggered just means an unhealed, technically unsafe space, but you're the person who is on the outside seeing the unsafe and safe, which that person in the situation cannot see. Wow.
00:37:23
Speaker
Wow. Yeah. Just a lot, because then that explains a lot of times, even when someone, I've even observed this myself when somebody is grieving and they really do want to stay in that grief space. They really do because there's an attachment to even those emotions there, right? And so when you're giving them some tools that they do, then you can be then, like you said,
00:37:48
Speaker
the enemy in that moment because you're threatening that emotion of what you're gaining and a lot of times what we gain and I noticed this for myself somebody pointed out many years ago that I did not know was even in a victim mode of what you gain as even in a victim mode from the rest of the world of the oh poor you the attention that you might get from others in that in that role as well. i you know And so like you were saying other ways that we gain and we don't notice this consciously, right? And to change that does take a lot of effort and and work and pain, like you said. But then once you do, then it just changes just the way that you feel. It's just so much lighter.
00:38:39
Speaker
when you don't have to be so attached to these other ways of of being and you have the tools. So walk us through how it is working
Guidance in Grief Processing
00:38:49
Speaker
with you. like how How do you work with your clients? What does it look like?
00:38:55
Speaker
I work with my clients in two ways. If they're local to me, they have the option of coming in for a massage or they can do wellness coaching. I do all my wellness coaching online. So even if they're in the same city, they can do it online and then they can come in for a massage because they're local or if they want to drive in from any of the nearby suburbs or whatever they want to do, they they have access to me.
00:39:18
Speaker
Um, the other way they can work, as I mentioned was in the Chicago, just so we can know if people want to see you physically, you're in technically in the Chicago area. I'll just say it that way in case somebody wants to see you in person. Yes. I am in the Chicago area for now, but you know, if you're watching this or listening to this 20 years from now, I don't know where I'll be, but yes, for now we are in Chicago. Um, and so I've had people come in from Indiana.
00:39:44
Speaker
I've had people come in from, ah you know, ah Wisconsin over the border. So sometimes people want to know what this is about. So grief massage is an option in learning how to be safe in your body with those emotions that feel painful.
00:40:05
Speaker
Through grief wellness coaching, what I do is I help people understand the nuances that their old self prior to the loss was tolerating or acquiescing to or whatever they were doing. Now, coupled with the loss, they're going to feel like they are helpless because they don't have the fire extinguisher. They don't have the tool.
00:40:36
Speaker
So now, unfortunately, it's two things they have to work. One is their habits that brought them there, and now the pain of the loss. So it sometimes can be really overwhelming. So what I do is I help people create the steps so they understand, Roma's not built in a day, we don't have to solve the problem now. Yes, we are going to still feel the pain on a daily basis. It's gonna get better, just like if you had surgery. You know, it's not gonna hurt the same in a year like it did the day after the surgery is going to be different. So helping them understand that this is a process. It is going to be uncomfortable, but I am there for them to lean on so that it doesn't feel isolating. It doesn't feel as overwhelming. It doesn't feel so frightening.
00:41:32
Speaker
and it has a nurturing, supportive quality to it. Having said that, there is also an accountability factor. You are accountable to go home and do the homework that we agree on because the homework is you taking those baby steps without me having to watch you.
00:42:02
Speaker
What this does for you is it helps you build trust with your nervous system, which is not trusting you at the moment because it thinks you created the loss.
Self-Trust and Support in Grief
00:42:17
Speaker
So it doesn't trust you. Now we're in this big threatening situation. Look what you went and did. So when you take these homework steps, what you're saying to your nervous system is,
00:42:32
Speaker
we are reducing the threat by creating these new nurturing things that feel safe. So the more you reinforce that, the more your nervous system starts to trust you, which is ultimately called self-trust. The biggest problem is people try to jump to step two, which is engaging. See, once you fill your once you do your oxygen, then you can give oxygen to somebody else. It's the same way. Once you build the trust with your nervous system, now you can go out and feel the support of other people.
00:43:13
Speaker
But what ends up happening is people, even when I talk to clients, they'll say, oh, I went and did this with my sister and I did this with my bestie. And I, and I'm like, okay, but what was the time you spent by yourself? Because your nervous system doesn't want time with your bestie. Your nervous system wants to know whether it can trust you or not. So that is the first relationship you have to build.
00:43:41
Speaker
And then once you've built that, then you go out and you do the bestie thing, the family thing, the you know all the other things. And then ultimately you expand that you can go and be a volunteer in your community. The thing is people want to jump from this pain space to being a volunteer because they think that is going to remove their pain.
00:44:06
Speaker
But there is such a thing as your nervous system processing one thing at a time. So, you know, like a month after your loss event, if you're running out to, and your loss event is pretty huge, running out to a community and then feeling like you're going to break down and cry in the middle of the event, that's why it happens, because you aren't there yet. So I hope that clarifies some pieces.
Inner Work and Emotional Release
00:44:34
Speaker
It does and it taught me some things as well because a lot I think a lot of the things I probably did were more like external in general at the beginning rather than that eternal. In in some some cases, it can be kind of symbiotic and there are times in which that can... yeah influence the inside as well, depending on who you are and those actions, because again, they have to do with movement, getting outside in nature or doing things like that that are kind of feel you know fueling you, then they can they can make that um that shift within you as well. But no, that is ah very, very helpful. And I am just so grateful for all the nuggets that
00:45:20
Speaker
that I got and all the knowledge and as again, as also reminders of what to do. And I am just glad that you are here and that the listeners get a chance to hear this. And then also now if they want to work with you. So how do they get a hold of you, Merelda? And then after that, I have one more question. How did they get a hold of you?
00:45:42
Speaker
So the best way to get a hold of me will start is through my website. I have a contact page and you can always write me a over there. That's the easiest, probably the quickest, easiest thing. MoreldaRodriguez.com is my website. ah You can also go onto Instagram. My handle is Decide to Heal and through that you can contact me through Instagram.
00:46:04
Speaker
So those are two main places. um And also if you go to my Instagram account, I have something called the ABCs of grief wellness, which is a mini podcast where people get to listen to the different aspects of grief wellness that they probably either don't know, didn't know how it affected them, didn't know they even needed it. So it's these quick two, three minute episodes that you can just listen. And if those resonate, then you know that there might be an opportunity for us to work together or to look at some things or attending workshops that I have. Perfect, perfect. Now, as before we wrap up, would you like to leave the listeners with anything that I did not ask that you just want to to still share?
Coaching and Healing Decision
00:46:50
Speaker
I would like the listeners to know that healing is possible when you decide that's what you want.
00:47:03
Speaker
It is not a judgment. It is not a criticism. It is just knowing that healing takes place when you want it. You have to create the space for healing. You can't just say, I want it and then ignore everything your body says. So when you create the space, when you make the decision, you create the space, you then allow healing to happen in a step-by-step fashion.
00:47:32
Speaker
I also would love people to understand that hiring a coach to support you through these really difficult times, and I mean difficult because as I mentioned earlier, there's a whole science behind how you heal, right? It is not a ding against you if you get the support.
00:47:57
Speaker
It is just not possible for the brain that is struggling in grief to suddenly switch and be in a healing mode. It just does not biologically work that way. So bridging this growth time is best done in the support and witness of someone who can take it from a non-judgmental space, from a growth space, and deliver you there, just like a guide would take you across the ocean. They are just your guide. We are not there to tell you what to do. We are just there to support you at a time when you are not necessarily um able to do that or know how to do that. It it doesn't mean you're broken. It doesn't mean you'll never heal. It doesn't mean any of that. It's just literally transportation.
00:48:51
Speaker
And with those words, we'll leave you. And again, this was Morelda Rodriguez. Thank you once again, Morelda, for being on the show. Thank you so much, Kendra. I appreciate it.
00:49:09
Speaker
Thank you again so much for choosing to listen today. I hope that you can take away a few nuggets from today's episode that can bring you comfort in your times of grief. If so, it would mean so much to me if you would rate and comment on this episode. And if you feel inspired in some way to share it with someone,
00:49:34
Speaker
who may need to hear this, please do so. Also, if you or someone you know has a story of grief and gratitude that should be shared so that others can be inspired as well, please reach out to me. And thanks once again for tuning into Grief Gratitude and the Gray in Between podcast. Have a beautiful day.