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Parents Guide Emotion | The Positively Healthy Mom Podcast with Heather Johnston
19 Plays1 day ago
Welcome to another episode of The Positively Healthy Mom Podcast! In today’s conversation, I’m thrilled to welcome back Heather Johnston, founder of Illumination Psychotherapy in Austin, Texas. Heather and I have known each other since our kids were in kindergarten—now they’re seniors—and she brings years of insight working with teens, parents, and families.
In this episode, we dive deep into:
- Why focusing on the entire family system matters (not just your teen)
- How parents’ emotional regulation shapes their child’s behavior
- Practical steps to build more connection and less criticism
- Understanding how your own upbringing may influence your parenting today
- Ways to help your teen feel seen, heard, and supported
- First steps if you’re considering therapy but don’t know where to start
Heather shares powerful tools for parents who want to create more authentic connection and compassion within their families. If you’ve ever wondered how to better support your teen—or how your own emotional patterns may be affecting them—this episode is for you.
Connect with Heather Johnston:
🌐 Website: illumination-psychotherapy.com
📧 Email: info@illumination-psychotherapy.com
🎧 Listen now and discover how to strengthen your family connections while supporting your teen’s mental health.
Follow us for more:
📘 Facebook: Positively Healthy Coaching
📸 Instagram: @positivelyhealthycoaching
#PositivelyHealthyMom #ParentingTeens #FamilySystems #HeatherJohnston #ParentingPodcast #MentalHealthForMoms
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Transcript
Introduction to Positively Healthy Mom Podcast
00:00:00
Speaker
Welcome to the Positively Healthy Mom podcast, where positive parenting meets well-being.
00:00:11
Speaker
Hello, everyone. Welcome to today's episode of the Positively Healthy Mom. I'm so excited to have a guest that I had way back in season one back on the show, Heather Johnston, who is the founder of Illumination Psychotherapy here in Austin, Texas.
00:00:25
Speaker
So Heather is an amazing therapist. We've actually known each other since our kids were back in kindergarten, and now they're seniors. So that says something about how long we've been each other for. So Heather, thank you for coming on to the show again. I'm so happy to have you back.
00:00:39
Speaker
Thank you. I'm very happy to be here. Yeah, yeah.
Family-Centered Therapeutic Approaches
00:00:42
Speaker
So I know today we're really focusing on the family system because you and I both work with adults and teens. And sometimes when a family brings a teenager to us, the kind of vibe that I get, and and you can say the vibe that you get is like, here's my kid, here's my teenager.
00:01:01
Speaker
Can you help them? Can you fix them? Can you support them? Whatever it is. And have tried that approach because I've just trying to appease the parents, I guess, but I found very early on that that doesn't really work unless we talk to the parents as well.
00:01:16
Speaker
um Because the idea is that it's all a system, this family. So tell us your perspective on this. Yes, of course. And i I've had similar experiences as well. And when we look at and we think about our teens and, you know, some people here probably also younger kids, all children.
00:01:32
Speaker
um What you're looking at is that when we talk about a family system, what we're saying is that we're not going to just look at the individual component person, we're going to look at how they interact with the people in their system and how those others interact with ah in and with them.
00:01:49
Speaker
And so we're taking a much bigger, more holistic approach. When we talk about systems, in this case, we're speaking about a family system. So you have the kid, the parents, maybe some siblings that are all interacting together and they're all impacting each other and being impacted by each other.
00:02:07
Speaker
And so we kind of zoom out and take this more holistic approach instead of just saying, OK, here's the teen we've identified that has need support, has some issues, you know, need somebody to talk to.
Parental Influence on Family Dynamics
00:02:20
Speaker
Really what we're saying is here's the person in the system who kind of we can identify needs help, but how is the rest the system interacting with that individual that may be either helping or holding them back?
00:02:34
Speaker
And how are the other parts of the system really showing up? And specifically when you and I are working with people, we're looking at the parents. There might be siblings as well, but the parents also have power over that situation.
00:02:47
Speaker
And so what I like to do is kind of have a conversation be like, hey, you as the parent, what's what's your part in this system? What is, you know, not only the need of your child, but how are you showing up in the system that's either helping or or kind of holding that kid back?
00:03:03
Speaker
here Totally. And, um you know, It's amazing how how what happens at home does affect that child outside of the home. So for example, if I have someone that's coming to me, typically my typical client is like a girl with social anxiety who's about 15 years old and she's having trouble or a child who's being bullied, um things like that.
00:03:28
Speaker
And so the parents feel like, oh, I'm supporting my child. And there's nothing else I can do. So here, and then what I'll ask is, well, what are your feelings about the situation? What are you, how are you showing up? What are you doing? And and what are you not doing? And a of times they don't realize that they're actually inadvertently, of course, very inadvertently um making things worse because their feelings might be really stressed out.
00:03:53
Speaker
They might, you know inadvertently making the child feel worse. Shannon Washburn, she's a great person say, you know, think that's great thing friends or that they're getting bullied. Shannon Washburn, she's a great person to say, you know, great thing that don't have then snowball ah do you so the parent recognized or see in themselves that they might be contributing inadvertently So if the teen is able to identify it, then you can kind of bring it up. But I think at at a big high level, if you're a parent of a kid who's having struggles, the first thing you should check is how am I emotionally regulating myself within the system?
00:04:31
Speaker
Am I able to, and when I say emotional regulation, I don't mean you can't have a bad day or you can't, I mean, we've all as parents like lost it at one point in time. I'm like, man, I wish I hadn't have done that. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about, are you able to identify the feelings that are coming up for you?
00:04:46
Speaker
Are you able to understand sort of where they're coming from and be able to assess like, is this really about my kid or about me? So the example you give is a perfect one. but You can have ah you know parents who are looking at their child and they're fear parenting.
00:05:01
Speaker
Oh my gosh, my kid doesn't have friends. And that can come from a lot of places, right? Like um a lot of perfectionist parents, like everything needs to be perfect. And if it's not perfect, then, oh my gosh, my kid's going to fail. Or if you have a kid who has some neurodivergence, they might not need friends. And you're putting this pressure, like you need all of these friends. im like, well, had two and I was like so happy. You know, I feel like I'm a failure.
00:05:25
Speaker
Well, that's really coming from the parent.
Impact of Parental Past on Present Parenting
00:05:28
Speaker
That's really coming from something inside of them. And there's a saying that's that's kind of an old saying that says, kids trigger your trauma. So your kids will be doing something that's triggering a feeling in you. So for example, if you are afraid that your kid doesn't have enough friends and isn't doing getting A pluses in school and all that,
00:05:46
Speaker
Is that really a fear about your kid or is that also coming maybe from something that you experienced? Like you were told if you didn't have perfect grades, then that was a problem and you weren't enough and all of these things. And so that's coming up when you're parenting your child and you're seeing things that you got in trouble for or you were made to feel small for, you know, in that case. And that's then going on to your child. And that's not really your child's to hold or to carry.
00:06:10
Speaker
So being able to kind of sit back and be like, okay, is this something... That's really me. or Or is this a pattern bringing forward from from my childhood? Like, um you know, some families have the silent treatment, which is really disconnecting and confusing and abusive for younger children.
00:06:28
Speaker
If you grew up in that system, no one's ever addressed it it just the way it is. Maybe when you get upset with your child, you pull back because that's that's what you didn't like it, but it's just sort of what you know.
00:06:39
Speaker
And until you work with somebody to kind of address like, what was that like for me? And have some help working through that. a lot of the times we pass patterns through that we don't even recognize. So really as a parent, one of the, if you're having a kid that struggles, I would also encourage you to to kind of go check into therapy or support of some kind, coaching, whatever it may be just say, hey, like what might be I bringing to the table here?
00:07:06
Speaker
Or what do I need help with? Or what do I need support with? and that separating those two things. Yeah, that self-awareness and that emotional regulation, I consider to be the foundational and like kind of the beginning steps of when I and coach a parent. and we it That's the beginning of my course that I have online. And so, yeah, so that's so huge. And so once they start to recognize, um you know, where this is coming from and whether or not it's theirs or something that they just really want for their child, what are what are your next steps then?
00:07:37
Speaker
So if you recognize it's yours, then it's sometimes even just acknowledging your kid. Oh, wait you know what? That's, that's mine. That's not yours. Let's start over again. You know, if you, if you're kind of realize you're having that pressure and kind of giving the kid context, like actually that was not mine.
00:07:51
Speaker
And if, if it is yours, I'd seek support. If you don't have, if you don't feel like it's something that you can work with in your family system, you know, outside support, therapy, coaching, whatever the case may be. If it is something for your child and it is a worry that you have for your child, just having an honest de-escalated, emotionally de-escalated conversation saying, you know, hey, I'm kind of worried. i You know my experience has been, you know, sometimes if people aren't doing well at school, there's something else going on. Can you tell me, what is it like for you at school? How are things going? How how do you feel there?
Fostering Compassionate Family Connections
00:08:26
Speaker
And have a conversation about it that is more curious about their experience and less about what your, kind of what your worries and your fears and, you know, the messages in your head are about show up to the kids with curiosity.
00:08:40
Speaker
If you're if you think it's not really mine, you know, I'm really worried about this show up with curiosity and an openness and the ability if you kind of overstep to say sorry, like, oof you know what, sorry that I was pushing too hard there that I understand you're doing the best you can. Let's figure out what support you need, etc. Like really showing up with curiosity and compassion.
00:09:05
Speaker
Yeah, I completely agree with that. I always say ah curiosity over criticism because kind of our go-to impulse is to be like, you know, why don't you do this? Or something that comes a across as critical instead of getting curious, ask a question, kind of find out. Maybe there's something we don't know that they're not sharing with us, but yet if we ask the question, they they will share.
00:09:24
Speaker
so now that we're talking about this, it got me thinking to a parent who would be listening to this is what is the goal like for me i heard you say the word connection and i know for me like that that's one of the things i talk about like the goal is connection not perfection but connection when you are working with families in the family system what is the goal To me, the goal is being able to understand and accept people for who they are.
00:09:52
Speaker
And so that creates connection. I want to have an authentic relationship with you for who you are. And that might be, you know, being able to step in with your child into something you don't know about. Like maybe you're not into Dungeons and Dragons and they're really into it.
00:10:06
Speaker
Showing that curiosity, showing up in their in their space and in showing interest. Now, nine times out of 10, your teen's going be like, but you have sent a message a message of connection a message of we're in this together and ownership is the second part real accountability for what is yours as a parent your child's responsibility is not to regulate your emotions it is for you to regulate co-regulate their emotions with them that's part of the learning and how they learn how to regulate their emotions and how they show up
00:10:39
Speaker
So having that that bid for connection and not getting discouraged with teens who only give you five minutes, that's all they're going to give you, and that's a win. And really kind of having these age-appropriate expectations, like a teen's going to you know, sometimes you'll get something, sometimes you won't.
00:10:55
Speaker
But those bids for connection stick with your kid. So just acknowledging that I'm going to put that connection out there, and I'm not going to internalize it as a rejection if it's not reciprocated with what I as an adult would expect.
00:11:07
Speaker
Yeah. And then owning accountability for the feelings that show up that are yours and be like, okay, I need to regulate myself and then I can co-regulate my child if their emotions are out of control or they're having a tough time.
00:11:22
Speaker
And co-regulation just is sitting with them, talking about it, not not getting worked out, not yelling at them for being upset. There are times you're to look at your kid and be like, I can't. But they do care about this. And when you were their age, you cared about something equally that your parents rolled their eyes at.
00:11:38
Speaker
And so just sitting in that moment with them and just letting them have it and kind of working through it, just with a lot, sometimes working through it is just listening. There's no fixing, just listening.
00:11:50
Speaker
And recognizing that the more energy you are bringing of connection and accountability into the system, the more you're going to regulate your teen and more going see the behaviors in sort of the ah mental health, emotional health that you're looking for.
00:12:05
Speaker
Yeah, yeah.
Bridging Parental Expectations and Children's Reality
00:12:07
Speaker
So what else? What else? and What the thing that actually popped up to me was because you are a boy mom, ah what I see is moms who get frustrated and they do feel that sense of rejection from their sons because not all sons talk as much, right? Yeah.
00:12:23
Speaker
And i have two sons, and so one is real chatty and the other one is very brief. And so I do just accept that that's how they are. But I have seen a lot of moms who are trying so hard to connect and they don't know what else to do.
00:12:36
Speaker
And they say, you know, I tried talking to them in the car when we're on the way to school. And so I've kind of like coached some moms through that process of it's not always a conversation. It's not always in the morning, right? It's not always what you want it to be.
00:12:51
Speaker
Sometimes it does have to be kind of like what they need it to be and when they need it to be, which is kind of very inconvenient at times. But um what are your thoughts about that being a boy mom? I think that's exactly right. Boy or girl, if you have if you have a child that isn't a talker or you have a child that isn't one that, you know, is like every part of the day, you showing up, being consistent,
00:13:14
Speaker
being caring, compassionate, curious, that's the connection. It is not necessarily the feedback you get from them. If they feel like they're in a safe, supported environment, that's the connection they need to know that they're safe.
00:13:29
Speaker
And you may get moments where all a sudden they're chatting about something or they're not, or, you know, don't you can ask about the day. And if they don't respond, that's not really... a bad thing, you're showing you're showing care. And if you kind of let it go, like, okay, if you wanna talk about it later, I'm around and just kind of take the pressure off.
00:13:47
Speaker
Where I would say like, you know, if you start to see a kid's behavior change radically, or all a sudden they really go into kind of like into themselves, of course, take steps, have evaluations, make sure.
00:14:00
Speaker
But if your kid by nature is just this kid, and it might not, you know, parenting is you don't you don't parent the kid that you want, you parent the kid you have. And a lot of times the kid that you want are really, those are your issues to work on more than the kid that you have who is just right.
00:14:19
Speaker
Yeah, yeah. and And the words you didn't use exactly, but it made me think of just like being seen, like how the example I use um sometimes when I'm teaching like a workshop or something to parents and I give this example of, you know, you're at the airline ticket counter because your flight got delayed and you're trying to explain to the, you know,
00:14:41
Speaker
like the airline you know i have to be there because i have this wedding that could get to or this meeting does then and you don't understand i need a bohbo blah And they're just you. um dismissing you they're like we can get you there tomorrow and like but i have together too that and all you want for that airline is to say ma'am or or sir or miss whatever we understand you need to be there we will do everything we can in our power to get you there on time we understand that this is a big deal for you and then you just are like yes yes you understand right and that understanding and the scene like the acknowledgement like this is where i'm at right now and you're hearing me and especially important with teens right because teens are in this phase where they're starting to build autonomy
00:15:24
Speaker
And as part of that process, they have to pull away from the parent. And that's natural. And that is good. And allowing your teen to stretch their wings and know that you always have their back, but you're not like, why are you talking to me?
00:15:38
Speaker
That gives them a lot of strength to come back when they need to, when they're scared, when there's something going wrong, or they're just unsure. They're coming back into the fold, but they still get to stretch their wings and really that that that safe way. And I think when I talk about parents having things come up, a lot of times I've noticed that the things that the parents are concerned about aren't necessarily the things that teens are concerned about.
00:16:04
Speaker
And so, and there might be things like if your kid doesn't do their homework at all, agreed, we got a problem, we got it, there's something we got to do. um So there are lines and it's a spectrum. But when I talk about parents acknowledging what's coming up, it's not just for the benefit of the teen, it's for the benefit of the parent.
00:16:20
Speaker
Because if there's that much kind of just dysregulation within you where you're like, oh, we have to do this or this or not doing this or this, or why aren't they this or aren't they that, you're carrying a lot of emotion that a lot times is kind of painful and sad or scared and having a place to work through that, figuring out where is it coming from?
00:16:39
Speaker
is it Is it situational? Like there's a lot going on at work right now and I've got a lot of responsibilities at home and I'm having marital problems. So my emotional bucket is depleted and I'm trying to parent and I feel like I'm failing.
00:16:52
Speaker
Is it situational like that? Or is it more like, boy, there's a lot of stuff I didn't realize I was caring for for a long time and boy, it'd be really nice to set that down. Really nice to kind of process that and set that down and then show up in this show up in my parenting space as a lot more comfortable with the chaos of children and actually be able to be present in it.
00:17:16
Speaker
And so when I look at it it's a benefit for the entire system. It's not just for the benefit of the child, but it really can truly help kind of lift a burden off the parent's heart as well to also see somebody and talk about these things and recognize like, what am I bringing into the system? And why am I holding all of this still?
00:17:37
Speaker
Yeah.
Therapy Benefits and Approaches
00:17:38
Speaker
And when you say that, it makes me think of, you know, I've had different experts on the on my show before that some of them specialize in marriage specifically. and And it's always really interesting about how one spouse might be really into this and kind of into,
00:17:53
Speaker
looking inside themselves and looking at the past and figuring things out and trying to make a better life for themselves. And, you know, their partner might not be into that. And so what is your approach on maybe encouraging that or how a person can just be okay with that?
00:18:09
Speaker
With either being in or out marriage wise or just in general thes in the family systems? marriage, but into um going to therapy, going to kind of talk about things. So there's kind of no one right way for everybody. And that's okay.
00:18:23
Speaker
There are people who really want to deep dive and get in there. There are people who are like, I'm not really that interested. um And if you might have friends you talk to for the people who aren't that interested to be like share experiences like am I the only one seeing this with kids. Okay, I'm not the only one. All right, maybe, you know, you can leverage that. um Some people have, you know, people through their spiritual, whatever their spiritual belief is, you know, maybe your partner.
00:18:48
Speaker
um The one good thing about therapy is it's a place where you can go and say all the things that you don't want anybody to know and don't want held against you later on. um Because you can tell friends things, but then they kind of, wait they may, you know, depending on what it is, you may not be like, i don't really want them to remember this. So therapy is a great spot for that. And therapy can be many, it can be a lot of stuff. It can be a deep dive into what's really going on.
00:19:09
Speaker
Or i work with parents who are just like, this is what's coming up with me in parenting. and And then we just kind of work at that level of like, okay, where do you think that's coming from? Like, how do you want to show up without having to dig all the way down into maybe some things that you're like, that's too much. Or maybe I don't have a lot. I just was never really told how to be a parent. We don't have a lot of really good modeling on how to parent, especially especially teens where,
00:19:38
Speaker
it's not just like do as I say kind of thing. There's not a lot of great modeling that's been in the past. There's more now. So maybe I just didn't have the skills. Maybe i just didn't know what this is supposed to be. And I'm just kind of overwhelmed and I've got three kids and now, and know, I've got one in therapy and one who cries a lot and one who never talks and blah.
00:19:56
Speaker
So there can, there are all different ways you can kind of check yourself against the system, whether it's friends, therapies, you know, your partner, et cetera. Sometimes it's little easier if it's not your partner, because when it's your partner, sometimes there's, you know, other things that are there between the two of you. And you might not always want to be like, gosh, she's right. or she's right. Or they're right. or whatever, you know, so, so it can be tricky sometimes if, if they've told you several times something, and then all of a sudden you realize that you're like, oh man, I gotta go back and be like, you were right.
00:20:28
Speaker
And sometimes that's where friends come in handy as well. So um I think there's no one right way. I think the key is awareness. I'm aware. that when I operate with my family, I'm a part that that is acted upon and I act upon them.
00:20:46
Speaker
And if in a case where you have a teen or a child that you're like, they need support, having the awareness that I may be impacting on that as much as I'm being impacted on and how can I show up?
00:20:59
Speaker
And that to me is really like the first critical step is that awareness that that I'm a part of the system and that doesn't And even if I'm doing something inadvertently wrong, that doesn't make me bad. That makes me human. And being human is messy and that is okay.
00:21:16
Speaker
But now that I know that, how do I want to show up in this space?
00:21:21
Speaker
That's perfect.
Starting Therapy and Finding the Right Fit
00:21:22
Speaker
So last big question is for the mom who's listening, who's never been to therapy, but this conversation is kind of intriguing to her. What do you think is the first step to maybe overcome any barrier she might have, any apprehension she might have? How can you make it an easy process?
00:21:40
Speaker
Yes. And it is usually when people come to therapy, they have to work up the courage, yeah even to look somebody up and then to make the phone call. So if if somebody at home is listening and they're like, feel like, oh, that's a scary, you are in good company.
00:21:55
Speaker
That is a feeling that most everybody has, especially if they've not had experience with therapy before, because there's some stigmas and maybe i maybe i don't even know why I want to go in, or maybe I just kind of feel anxious or I just can't, you know, I'm not exactly sure what it is.
00:22:10
Speaker
um i would say it's okay to feel uncomfortable. And if and in terms of like finding a therapist, that also can be pretty daunting.
00:22:21
Speaker
So you can ask people for recommendations. Somebody recently found me using chat GPT. Yes, I've had that happen too, people. they They put in kind of what they needed and ChatGPT spit out some so some examples or some suggestions.
00:22:35
Speaker
And then you can go to that website and really see if that person feels like can I relate to that person? Because the most important thing in therapy really is, do I connect with the therapist?
00:22:47
Speaker
And the therapist is going to use some sort of modality. The modality really doesn't matter as long as they have one and are using it. The biggest part is, do I have that connection where I feel comfortable with this person to share my vulnerability?
00:23:03
Speaker
And you don't have to know what the outcome is. You don't have to know what process you need to take to get there. That's what the therapist is there for. It's more, if you feel you need support and you're like, I'm just feeling really anxious and that's all I can tell you, or I really am worried about my kids and I want parenting advice, whatever the case is, you can kind of search their tools or psychology today, which is not easily searchable.
00:23:24
Speaker
I would say definitely friend recommendations. You know, if If there was somebody that was working with you, for example, who wanted to level up into therapy, I'm sure you've got people you refer to. ChatGBT is definitely an interesting new way to look for somebody.
00:23:40
Speaker
But go in with this idea that you don't have to perform for anybody. Therapy is your journey. Your therapist is there to walk with you. They're not there to tell you what to do, who to be, how to feel, and make you feel bad.
00:23:52
Speaker
They're there to walk on the journey with you and help discover like what is sitting on your heart and how can we get you to a place where you feel like your more authentic self is showing up. I think that's so great. everything Everything that you just said, because I know there's somebody that thinks, oh, i kind of want to do this, but I don't even know what I would say. and I don't know how to answer the questions on the little intake form, but just you can just say, I don't know, right? Like just say, I'm not sure yet. And maybe we'll figure it out when we get there, when you know I have this meeting with you and and and things like that. So Heather, how can people find you going forward?
00:24:23
Speaker
Um, and my website is, uh, www.illuminationpsychotherapy.com. And that's kind of the best way to find me. And I'm, if you know, and I'm also somebody, I'm a big believer. If you reach out to me and you're like, I don't know where to go. I don't know what to do.
00:24:43
Speaker
if i I, if it's not my area of work, I will help you find somebody else. Like you're in it together. You've reached out, you've taken a big step. We will figure this out. And you can also, also, if you wanted to email me, it's just ah info at illumination-psychotherapy.com.
00:25:00
Speaker
And so. That's awesome. We'll be sure to link the website in the show notes. So Heather, thank you so much for taking the time. Well, thank you so much. great guest So great to have you back and I'm sure I'll have you again in the future. Sounds great. Take care. Thanks.
00:25:13
Speaker
Bye-bye. Bye.