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Ep 48. From Trauma to TEDx: How Cristina P. Simmons Turned Grief, Cancer & Infidelity Into a Platform That Heals Other Women
25 Plays9 days ago
What does it look like to walk through the fire — and come out restored? In this powerful episode of Mommas Who Lead, host Laura Caroffino sits down with bestselling author, TEDx speaker, and trauma-informed occupational therapist Cristina P. Simmons to talk about the kind of resilience most people never show the world.
Cristina opens up about losing four children to a rare genetic syndrome, surviving a tumor in her femur that nearly cost her a leg, navigating infidelity in her marriage, and raising a son on the autism spectrum — all while battling severe anxiety and functioning depression from unprocessed trauma.
But this isn't just a story of survival. It's a story of restoration.
In this episode, you'll hear:
- What "functioning depression" actually feels like from the inside — and why so many moms are living it without knowing it
- How Cristina went back to school for her master's degree at 39 — in the middle of all of it
- The miracle Christmas night phone call that changed everything
- Why people-pleasing costs you more than you think — including yourself
- How unhealed wounds become patterns in your leadership, your parenting, and your marriage
- The 3 things every mom needs to hear about self-care, trials, and speaking her truth
- What the vagus nerve has to do with your anxiety — and how to regulate your nervous system today
- How Cristina's book Eat Your Feelings hit #1 on Amazon in five categories
- What Soul Story Collective is and how it helps women tell their stories on their own terms
Cristina's message is simple and powerful: Pain doesn't have to be your prison. It can become your platform.
If you've ever felt invisible, depleted, or like your story is too messy to share — this episode is for you.
Connect with Cristina:
- Website: cristinapsimmons.com
- Instagram: @cristinapsimmons
- Book: Eat Your Feelings on Amazon
Connect with Laura:
- Website: lauracaroffino.com
- Instagram: @lauracaroffino
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Transcript
Introduction to 'Mom's Who Lead'
00:00:00
Speaker
All right, welcome back to Mom's Who Lead, the podcast for the mom who knows she was built for more and is brave enough to go and get it. I'm your host, Laura Carafina, and today i am so excited. My guest today is someone who, the moment I actually learned her story, I knew i had to get her on the show. She is a bestselling author, trauma-informed occupational therapist, a TEDx speaker, and the founder of Soul Story Collective. She's a wife of 27 years, a mom, and she has a living, breathing example of what leading yourself through fire actually looks
Childhood Trauma and Loss
00:00:36
Speaker
like. So welcome, Christina.
00:00:39
Speaker
Thank you so much. I'm so excited to be here and for our new friendship. I know, I know, you know, if you're like you guys, when you guys are listening, we actually connected through a mutual mutual friend. And i just love that, you know, that's what's so fantastic about networking and podcasting, you get to know and meet all of these incredible people like Christina. so I would love to start at the beginning because I think so often we see someone standing in like their power and we forget what it look it took to really get there. People, you know, see our highlight reels and think, oh, this is this success is all instantaneously, you know, happened overnight, which we all know that's not true, right?
00:01:20
Speaker
So take me back. What life experience shaped the leader that you are today? So not to take you all the way back to the womb, but a lot of this started from childhood. i had a abusive verbally abusive dad. And so I was that kid who grew up thinking that she didn't have a voice.
00:01:41
Speaker
that I couldn't have an opinion, that you know, I spent a lot of time sort of hiding in my room and reading books. I think that's why I'm so into books now, because that was truly an escape for me as a kid. i would sort of immerse myself into that world um that wasn't real because my reality was hard and I felt very alone. And I felt very alone for the majority of my life. And so I've always had trouble with relationships. i graduated college and my husband and I were married right after, like I graduated in December of 98 and we were married in February of 99.
00:02:25
Speaker
And so i was, know, we were babies and we found out very early in our marriage that we carried a very rare gene. that made very sick babies. And so we ended up losing three biological infants and had a miscarriage there in between.
00:02:41
Speaker
And so that was, i mean, terrible. it was It was just terrible. And my husband had actually lost his younger sister in a car accident when she was 16 years old. And then, you know, so his mom had had such a hard time with that, obviously. And then now we losing all these grand babies. And so I took everything on me thinking that everything was my fault and that I made the baby and I made them wrong and i couldn't do anything right, which came from my childhood because that's how my dad, you know, sort of talked to me back then.
Adoption and Joy After Loss
00:03:16
Speaker
And so depression, anxiety, panic attacks, all those things in my early twenties, thirties, and then Um, we were fortunate enough to adopt. There's a silver lining.
00:03:30
Speaker
So hang on there with me a second. I'm going to give you a lot of life in a, in a short amount of time. um but we were blessed to adopt. And so I am the proud mom of twin 22 year old girls who were born on Christmas day, nonetheless. So they were a miracle in themselves. And then our son was born about four years after that, um, our adopted son. And he brought a whole new journey because he was diagnosed on the autism spectrum at the age of four.
00:04:01
Speaker
So he's going to be 18 this year. And so 18 years ago, there wasn't so much information about autism and neurodivergence and all that like we we have today. And so I could not find anybody to help me. You know, everybody had a waiting list. Nobody would come to the home.
00:04:19
Speaker
Any clinic that I called was at least an hour away. The girls were still young too and were trying to work full time and then navigate his screaming fits for 45 minutes at a time and him getting kicked out of
Career Shift and Personal Challenges
00:04:32
Speaker
schools. And so anyway, I thought it would be a fabulous idea to go back to to school to get my master's degree in occupational therapy.
00:04:41
Speaker
At the age of 39, like, yeah, just throw that in the mix. um My husband thought I was nuts. and He played Mr. Mom for quite a few years while I got my master's degree. But I do not regret that because it helped me to be a better mom to him. And then it helped me to work with other families and kids that were on the spectrum that couldn't find help. So I think that's exactly what I was supposed to do and exactly where I was supposed to be. And i love occupational therapy because of the holistic nature of it. I think we need to look at people as a whole and not just one body part or brain or whatever it is. And then i'll i'll give you a real short synopsis. And then you want to ask me any questions you can.
00:05:27
Speaker
i ended up getting cancer. Um, right before actually right before I was supposed to start, um, school for occupational therapy. So I had to put that on hold, have two very major surgeries. I had a tumor growing from the inside of my femur bone. So I had, I was facing amputation at one point and then they ended up just, um, doing ah two major surgeries and I'm happy to have a leg today. And, um, that's why if you follow me on Instagram, you will see me working out all the time. because I am blessed to be ah be able to get to work out, because I could be here with no leg. So I realize I have a different perspective than a lot of people, but I try to remember that every day.
00:06:11
Speaker
In the midst of all of that, um somewhere in the middle of that, my husband was also unfaithful at one point in our marriage. And so that was really my journey of like introspection and really taking a good look at my responsibility in our marriage and how I had kind of checked out. And i realize now because I do have a certification in trauma and I've done a lot of learning for me that my body was just trying to keep me alive.
Storytelling and Personal Growth
00:06:42
Speaker
I was so disassociated for so long and I do regret
00:06:48
Speaker
being that way in the middle of my children's childhood because there's big chunks of my life that I don't remember and big chunks of their life that I don't remember. um And so that's why i i want to do the work that I'm doing today, because I don't want other women to um be that type of mama.
00:07:06
Speaker
know what I mean? i want I want them to be a strong mama and a leading mama and a present mama. And so that's that's how I got to where i am today. And then last year, I decided to officially write my family story. And so I wrote my self-help memoir. And now I'm speaking and just did a TEDx about 40 days ago, still waiting for it to be released at this point. So.
00:07:33
Speaker
Oh my goodness. I can't wait for that. I can't wait to watch it. Oh my goodness. Girlfriend, you have been through the fire. Um, you know, there was a word you said, um restored, you were talking about self care and what does the, what's restored mean to you? Because that word is a very different than from just like i survived.
00:07:59
Speaker
Yeah, I mean, re I think that we're always, there's always someone that we're meant to be, you know, and i I am a Christian and I love me some Jesus. And so I think that God has a purpose for all of us and that we are meant to be person.
00:08:19
Speaker
this enlightened version of ourself, I guess, but you have to go through the fire in order to be restored and renewed because how am i supposed to, you know, understand someone else's story of struggle if I haven't had one of my own?
00:08:37
Speaker
Like I can't relate to someone else and their problems if I haven't been through problems
Marriage, Faith, and Resilience
00:08:42
Speaker
myself. So not that I would go through, not that I wanted to go through any of those things again, But I am grateful for every one of my trials because through them, I learned something new and something that helped me to be a better me.
00:08:57
Speaker
i know there's, you know, and I also, i let me rephrase this here. Um, I want to go back and ask this and i don't want to like sensationalize it or anything, but because I know there are women that are, you know, listening who are so sitting in the exact same pain that you've went through. Right. um especially with your marriage, like what made you choose to stay and and do that work? That's hard, especially when you're going through all the trauma you've been through.
00:09:27
Speaker
it was really hard. And, you know, I always told my husband that I was never really angry. I was just disappointed, you know, and, and he was going through his own trials and, you know, he never really processed the loss of his sister and then to lose, three children and then have a wife that was checked out and have a special needs kid. And you know what I mean? Like it was just, I mean, i would be surprised if one of us didn't stray at some point, I didn't have the energy to stray.
00:10:02
Speaker
I hear you there. Yeah. And it wasn't, it wasn't like he searched it out. It was actually one of his first loves.
00:10:14
Speaker
And you know what I mean? Like it wasn't like it was a stranger. And so I, he was just really looking for support and love. And I was not providing that for him. And so, like I said, I mean, not making any excuses for him. He's a big boy, yeah,
00:10:33
Speaker
I was not holding up my end of the vows that we had made. However, many of those years ago, you know, and e that and in that, I guess in that it was, we probably had 15 years with our marriage, at least I don't remember exactly what year it was, but, um, I just was not holding up my end of the bargain. And so I really needed to look inward and say, Hey, you know, how can i support him and how can i communicate my needs better?
00:10:59
Speaker
Because I was not telling him what I needed. Or how I was feeling. I was just stuffing everything down and bottling it up. And it was coming out in physical symptoms and sicknesses and anxiety and all of those things. So that's another thing that I, you know, you need to be able to talk about your feelings so that they don't get stuck and eat you from the inside out.
00:11:24
Speaker
Absolutely. Absolutely. I think that's a big part. You know, if you don't have that open communication and willingness to talk about the things and you both seeking help as well about to resolve the trauma and working together and asking one another, that is so good. So if you're going through this, you're probably going want to get her book as well. She's going to share all of the goods,
00:11:51
Speaker
the not so good and how she was able to go through that. Um, now I want to go back and talk about the, your, your son, when he was diagnosed with autism. Um, I mean, obviously that that changed your entire trajectory of your career into occupational therapy. How did a mother's love redirect your professional path?
00:12:16
Speaker
Yeah, I just, I didn't see any other way. And i back up a little bit, I am an overachiever. so of course you are. so I do thank my dad for that because, you know, growing up in a household where nothing was ever good enough, I was constantly trying to be better. And so I'm still always competing against myself, so to say. And when i was having such a hard time with my son,
00:12:46
Speaker
And I couldn't find anybody else to help me. I didn't see any other way except for me to do it on my own. I'm like, who better to do this than me? I'm his mom. And I just kept thinking, you know, God entrusted this child to me.
00:13:01
Speaker
He's my responsibility. And i need him and want him to be, to have a happy life and to not think,
00:13:12
Speaker
I think this was my biggest thing. I didn't want him to think that he was a bad kid. Like he was because he was in trouble all the time and it wasn't his fault. His nervous system could not handle the the school that he was in and all of the things that were being thrown at him at once. And I just knew that there had to be a better way.
00:13:32
Speaker
um i don't know. Maybe I could have just taken a few classes online. i don't know. But also, i hated what I was doing. I hated the job that I was doing. And I knew that I was meant to do more and help people. And so i really, at that time, thought that that was my path. And so I'm one of those girls that just says, catch me, I'm jumping.
00:13:56
Speaker
And so that's how that started. my goodness. I resonate with so much what you said. um that The overachiever part for sure. um How did your faith get you through all of these seasons?
00:14:14
Speaker
Yeah, don't get me wrong. i have been mad at God. Like we have had some screaming matches. you know, he wasn't screaming obviously, but I was. um And then, but I don't know how many times I've apologized to him and said, I'm so sorry. You already had all of this figured out and I didn't trust you. And so, cause just like with our girls.
00:14:35
Speaker
um So our first daughter was born in March of 2002 and she lived for three days. which was a blessing and a curse because I did get extra time with her, but then it was even harder, you know, to let her go after that. And so then I had a miscarriage shortly after, and then we our second daughter was born the following year in May of 03. Um,
00:15:02
Speaker
um So we had lost two girls and at this point you can imagine the devastation that was happening. Like I was so defeated and angry and mad at God, obviously.
00:15:20
Speaker
And Christmas was coming and my husband's cousin was actually pregnant. We were pregnant at the same time. and um,
00:15:31
Speaker
I pretty much told my husband, i need to, we need to cancel Christmas. Like, I can't do this. I can't go and watch her open presents with her baby, you know, cause it was going his first Christmas and, you know, all the things that come with the first baby's Christmas and, and everybody who was around me was pregnant. You know, all of my friends were having babies. Everybody was having a baby shower.
00:15:54
Speaker
and I was just like, oh my gosh, i'm I'm totally alone. Nobody else has ever lost a baby. You know how you think that you're the only one that that's going through these things. And I just wanted to cancel Christmas. I didn't want to go at all.
00:16:07
Speaker
And then i was probably praying or talking to God or whatever, yelling at him, whatever I was doing. And I just had like this peace come over me. And i was like,
00:16:18
Speaker
this is going to be okay. And what I really heard was like, this is not their fault. You know, his cousin being blessed with a, with a healthy baby was not her fault.
00:16:31
Speaker
You know, it wasn't directly, you know, at me, um, that she could be happy and I was miserable. Like that's not how life is supposed to be. And so we went to Christmas and we we did all the Christmas things and, and you know, I was i was fine. i wasn't crying the whole time or whatever. But that that night at 10 o'clock Christmas night is when we got the call that the girls had been born.
00:16:56
Speaker
and no Yes. Yeah. So that surrender, i mean, there's there's some real truth in that surrender. Oh, I should have brought napkins. tissue That's like, woo, I got gold shells. Oh my gosh. Yeah. Like literally, that shows up. to Oh my goodness. And he makes your family whole.
00:17:18
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. I mean, the best Christmas presents ever. Like, it's just, and my girls are the sweetest. um They're identical twins, which even even more so, like, I only asked for one baby and he gave me two.
00:17:33
Speaker
like tell last Yes. And so you can imagine, i was like, I am so sorry that I ever doubted you. Like, i you know, it was just, it was crazy. It was really crazy. We couldn't believe it.
00:17:49
Speaker
Wow. That is okay. So when did your, when did your son come into your family? So it took me four years of begging my husband to even try again.
00:18:02
Speaker
Because he did not want to have anything to do with pregnancies or babies or, you know, he's like, we have the girls, you know, they were four, about four at the time. And um he's like, we have the girls were good, you know, and also, he didn't want to see me go through another loss. I mean, that was the biggest part.
00:18:21
Speaker
And I am the ultimate optimist. Yeah. And I said, God would never do this to us again. you know, it happened twice. And I just knew, i just knew like in my heart that we were meant to have our own child. That the only way I can explain it.
00:18:36
Speaker
I had like this unyielding urge or need to be pregnant again. And so finally talked him into trying. And that was the other funny thing.
00:18:47
Speaker
We could look at each other and get pregnant. like no trouble, you know, I've had so many friends that just could never get pregnant, and, um, so I realized, like, how much of a blessing it is that I could conceive, and that I could carry a baby, and, you know, because that was never the problem, I could always carry to term, it's just the baby was too sick, um, so we got pregnant again, and the baby, it's a, it's a syndrome that we carry, it's a very rare gene, and so the baby had the syndrome again, and um,
00:19:20
Speaker
about, I can't remember the exact timing, but I was talking to my mom and I had kind of told her, you know, i don't think we're going to actively pursue adoption like we did the first time. i said, but if, if a baby dropped in her lap, you know, I would take it.
00:19:38
Speaker
It's just kind of talking. And so then my mom's at work and, and this was, maybe maybe two or three weeks after I'd had our baby boy.
00:19:48
Speaker
um it was it was pretty close because me and the biological mom's due date were really close together, like within a week apart. So, um of course, I delivered my baby early. but um So my mom's at work and she's talking to, she's a nurse and she's talking to somebody in the operating room nonetheless. And they're telling her this story of,
00:20:11
Speaker
I think it was her brother's wife who worked with a girl that was 26 and actively looking for someone to take her child. She was pregnant and was looking for someone to take the baby. She could not keep it.
00:20:28
Speaker
And so what, what this, what this person asked my mom was, would is your daughter would your daughter want to adopt again? And my mom said, well, if something dropped in her lap and the lady actually said, well, here's one for your lap.
00:20:45
Speaker
Yeah. And so I ended up and ah my husband said no at first. He was like, no, i don't, I don't want to do that. And i do what I want, you know, cause I'm strong-willed. And so I told him, I said, well, I'm going to call her.
00:21:03
Speaker
And if it's a boy, you know, she's going to have a boy. I said, then we'll have our answer. And so I called her and she was at work. She was a waitress at the time and she was at work. And, um, that was, we didn't get to talk very much, but pretty much all I got to ask her was, you know, do you know what you're having? And she said, it's a boy. And so I just knew that he was supposed to be ours.
00:21:23
Speaker
And, um, here we are almost 18 years later. Oh my goodness. i love that. your Your story, I mean, there is God all over your story. It is without a doubt, without a doubt.
Coping with Depression and Self-Care
00:21:37
Speaker
I am the same way. Like if somebody is going if I would take all the babies, like I would have ah hundred babies if I could financially afford them.
00:21:48
Speaker
I just love, love children. And well, yeah, they're just such a blessing for sure. that's what I told my husband. I said, if somebody's and saying, will you take my baby? You don't tell them no.
00:22:02
Speaker
Like, yes, of course. Give me. Let me thought have it. Yeah. And I miss and your, your children are much, ah are much older now right? Yeah. The girls are and he's in September.
00:22:16
Speaker
wow what that It's so fun when they're getting to that age, but there's here lately. I'm like looking at my youngest, my youngest is five now. And I'm like, I miss like, if I could go back to where my older, i had three older children. And if I could go back ah to all of my children being like toddlers again, just for a day, it would be so amazing. Like, and I think, you know, when you were talking about earlier and like just not being present and stuff, like when you're going through what you've went through,
00:22:48
Speaker
And you you forget so much. Like, I would love to be able to go back to days that I can't remember and they're telling me about just so that I can be fully present again. um and you know, you went through so much and you've talked about, you know, especially in, I think when i I was listening to one of your speeches and you were talking about severe anxiety and functioning depression,
00:23:15
Speaker
from unprocessed trauma, what does functioning depression actually feel like from the inside? It feels like autopilot. Like you were just going through the motions. Like, you know how um ah the best analogy I can always think of is, you know, how, when you you drive in your car and like, you're going from one place that you're, you, that you drive from a lot to home and you get home and you don't remember driving there.
00:23:45
Speaker
Like you're like, have like you're just on, you know what I mean? Like your body, your body just has muscle memory and it just drives the car. And you're probably thinking about a thousand different things and you're, you know, your mind's, your mind's a million miles away. And that's what I feel like my life was. Like I was just on autopilot. I mean, I was doing all of the things. I was paying the bills and I, well, was kind of paying the bills. We were pretty deep in debt, too. That was another thing. Like, I i avoided looking at a lot of things. You know, I thought if I just didn't look at them, then they wouldn't be there, which is not the truth, if anyone's wondering.
00:24:20
Speaker
And so, you know, just, yeah, taking the kids to school and, um you know, showering and making dinner and you know, it was just, yeah. I mean, I don't even remember. I i do remember at one of my lowest points though, i was that mom that would go to car line and fall asleep in the car line.
00:24:44
Speaker
Like, because I was just so exhausted. Like I had no energy. i had fibromyalgia like symptoms. Um, I was in chronic pain all the time. my, I totally destroyed my gut health. Um, which is probably why I had such severe brain fog and yeah, I don't know how I was working.
00:25:05
Speaker
Like I have no idea how I worked and did things properly. um and then i would put so much energy at work so that, you know, so that I did a good job. And then when I got home, I was just completely depleted.
00:25:19
Speaker
so, I mean, no wonder that my husband and I weren't communicating. I didn't have the energy for any of that. Yeah, that's hard. How long were you operating that way before you were able to figure out what it was?
00:25:33
Speaker
You know, probably just, this is 2026, right? um Probably just about seven years ago.
00:25:45
Speaker
i mean, truthfully, i don't even know how I made it through school. i was, when I went to school, so i had to become an occupational therapy assistant first. And that program was, um, it was only like half days so I could work and still go to school, which was a terrible idea. And I was driving to Orlando, which is an hour from where we lived. So I would have to leave my house at 6 30 AM drive to Orlando, be in class until one o'clock or whatever it was drive back an hour straight to work.
00:26:23
Speaker
and work from like two to five and then have to go home to kids and dinner and papers and studying for tests. And like, i I have no idea how I did any of that.
00:26:38
Speaker
And made straight eggs. You're a super Made straight eggs do the whole thing. You are definitely an overachiever. I love it. yes Through and through.
00:26:50
Speaker
Oh my goodness. Okay. So you are amazing. um So you shared three talking points that you wanted to bring to our audience today. And the first one, it really hit me hard because you had you said you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else. It's like whenever the flight attendant says you have to put on your mask before you help anyone else, same concept. But why is this still so hard for moms to actually do and not just believe it?
00:27:23
Speaker
Yeah, I don't, I think that there has to be a breaking point. Like I think all the moms that have figured that out, there's, there's been a breaking point where your body has just said, we're not doing this anymore.
00:27:36
Speaker
Yep. Sorry, girl, you're laying down and you're not getting back up. Um, and so I just, I mean, I just really realized that I had to, had to rest and I had to take time for myself And i had to spend time with God and I had to find things that I loved that weren't for anybody else. You know what mean? Like my husband is a big fisherman and he golfs and he loves racing and all you know all of those things. And you know some of those things we do together, but I needed something that was just for me.
00:28:13
Speaker
um And, you know, I've, I've have journaled and written poetry and all through my life. Like I didn't even realize that until, you know, i'm look, looking back on it, but then the gym sort of became an obsession because obviously I was trying to lose weight. Cause I had, I had gained a bunch of weight and, but the gym was also a community.
00:28:36
Speaker
And I had said earlier, you know, I had a lot of trouble with relationships because um i was never very good at communicating my needs. I was the ultimate people pleaser. And so i would just give and give and give to everybody else. And then when they wouldn't reciprocate, then I would get my feelings hurt.
00:28:56
Speaker
So um i had to realize, you know, what I was looking for in a friend and how to give other people grace. you know, how to give myself grace. um But just that I had to take care of me. And if that meant saying no to things or to people, um that that was okay. And I had to really become okay with that because I can't be everything to everyone, especially if I'm not being a best friend to myself first.
Motherhood and Emotional Influence
00:29:28
Speaker
to That is so good because I am self-recovering people pleaser as well. And what do you think, um or do you realize now, what did people pleasing cost you that you didn't realize at the time?
00:29:46
Speaker
You lose yourself because you're just worried about everybody else's happiness. And so i didn't even know what made me happy. had no idea.
00:29:57
Speaker
I'm like, I don't even know what I like, you know, because yeah as a kid, I grew up liking whatever my parents liked or what they told me to like. Um, and then, you know, when I got married,
00:30:10
Speaker
I think my husband and I, and it's funny like to say it this way, but I really think we were sort of trauma bonded in the beginning because you know he I came in just trying to get away from my dad.
00:30:25
Speaker
like That was truly my main goal at that time was move away from home and get away from my dad. And my husband had really still not gotten over the loss of his sister. And so i think he was trying to find someone to cling to.
00:30:41
Speaker
and I just knew that I could fix him. i was going to fix him. it's know that's That's what we do.
00:30:51
Speaker
I changed the fix everybody. Fix everything and everybody. Yeah. um And so, yeah, I just, I don't know. I just, I had to figure out what made me happy and that took a long time, which is, this sounds so strange, right? Cause I've been living with myself for almost 50 years.
00:31:08
Speaker
You would think I knew what I liked, but that was a whole process as well. I, in the past year, i started painting. i don't know how to paint.
00:31:20
Speaker
Like, I don't even know why I was saying I wanted to paint. It was just the weirdest thing. But when I started painting, it was like, I was remembering how to paint. Not that I was learning.
00:31:33
Speaker
i was remembering how to paint. I knew which colors to mix together to get the look that I wanted. and Like, it was, it was really a really strange experience.
00:31:44
Speaker
Um, and I've really attached to nature. Now, like I go outside a lot and I take walks and just like listen to the birds and my husband thinks I'm a wackadoodle, you know, because I'll just, I'll say things like there'll be there there was a tree one time, like in the middle of a field, like one tree by itself. And I was like, oh, I wonder if that tree's sad that it's out there all by itself. And he's like, what is wrong with you?
00:32:14
Speaker
like what it's Like what, what kind of question is that? It makes sense to me. Right? Like it looked like it was alone and I don't, I didn't want anybody or any trees to feel alone. so yeah.
00:32:32
Speaker
That's amazing. um Okay. So you're an occupational therapist. So you understand the the nervous system regulation on like the clinical levels, if you will. So can you help us and the listeners understand what's actually happened psychologically when we when we're leading from depletion from this people pleasing, um persona, if you will.
00:32:57
Speaker
Yeah. So I have become obsessed with the vagus nerve. don't know if you know about the vagus nerve, but it is the the longest, nerve the longest nerve in the body and it touches nearly every organ in the body and working, especially with my son. And then working with, I worked in the, with, in pediatric occupational therapy.
00:33:18
Speaker
That was my favorite. I've done a lot of things in occupational therapy, but I worked in a hand clinic. I've worked in geriatrics. You know i was going into um the assisted living and, and all that kind of stuff. But pediatrics is what was my true love and the non-speaking neurodivergent kids were like my favorite.
00:33:37
Speaker
And because I realized how much they, and those kids understand energy. better than the rest of us. Like you got to think if you can't express yourself, you can't verbally tell somebody what you need or if you feel safe, um you're relying solely on your body and what your body feels like.
00:34:03
Speaker
And so their vagus nerve, um it's it works differently than ours does. But That also makes them really cool too. Like the things that they do you know, you see like a lot of um just the typical things that everybody like the flapping and the humming and the rocking, those are all stimulating the vagus nerve.
00:34:27
Speaker
A lot of these kids drink excessively. um And also like the type of foods that they eat, crunchy, salty, a lot of them like sour, that kind of thing. um All of that is impacting your your senses, you know, your sensory system. And so theirs is wired differently than ours is, obviously, um because you'll even see those type of kids eat like super spicy stuff. Yeah.
00:34:54
Speaker
you know, things that you wouldn't think that because, but because some of their senses are dulled and some of them are heightened, they either need less or more of whatever that is.
00:35:05
Speaker
um And then, you know, all of them, they may be on the spectrum, but they're all totally unique. And I would love to like, try to figure out, you know, what certain kids, what made them tick and what made them happy and what made them sad. And, um to to notice like the little things in their body. um I always used to tell the teachers and the aides to listen with your eyes because these kids, you know, they may be making noises, but they're not going be able to tell you. You need to look at their body and, um you know, those little tenses that you see or those, you know, i could I could always tell when my son was about to lose it because his whole body would tense.
00:35:44
Speaker
um you know, he would squeeze his fists together and, and I'm like, okay, well, we're done. It's like, I just put him in his room and let him scream it out because you can't talk to him after that. um But yeah, breath is super important.
00:36:01
Speaker
I mean, there's so many different strategies for the nervous system. But yeah, I'm just a total nerd for all that kind of stuff. And would you say like, so if we're in this like us as moms and we're in this dysregulated, um was that the right word? um you know they Yeah. Thank you. And you know, do our kids feel that?
00:36:25
Speaker
is it Yes. Yes. And that's, that's another thing that I regret because my 22 year old, my twins are very high anxiety now. And looking back, I realized that I transferred a lot of my anxiety onto them unknowingly, obviously I wouldn't do that on purpose, but that was a big thing when I was working in the clinics.
00:36:46
Speaker
with these kids because the mamas were always very dysregulated. And so a lot of the times I was treating the mom more than I was treating the kids because if mom came in, anxious and talking 90 miles an hour. And, um, you know, she's, she's, did it did to to and just, you know, throwing things around. And the there there was no way that I was going to have a good session with that kiddo because mom was totally throwing everything off. But if we could get mom to calm down, you'd see an immediate difference in the child.
00:37:20
Speaker
And so I did a lot of education to the parents, um, because I'm like, you know, especially if They gave birth to that child. I said, you know, there is no deeper connection. They came from inside your body.
00:37:33
Speaker
Like they are literally a piece of you. um i said, so you are always connected and they're going to feed off of the energy that you're putting out. Oh, yeah. I mean.
00:37:46
Speaker
I know I can feel energy when I go into a room and I can tell somebody is, or some of my family's in a mood. I'm like, Ooh, what's going on here? and like I'm just going to go back this way. We're just not going to talk today. oh So if I can feel that, then definitely our children can feel that they're just so more in tune to that. I i feel. And um so you're saying the mom needs to really regulate their own feelings and emotions.
00:38:16
Speaker
that going back to that self-care m as well. Yeah, for sure. Mom, yeah. Mom needs to figure out not only what calms the child, but what calms you. And you know, that's why I lift heavy weights because that calms my nervous system.
00:38:34
Speaker
I need to start doing that. yeah Yeah, for sure. I like to pick things, heavy things up and put them down on repeat. um But that really calms me. Taking walks calms me. You know, I do a lot of breath work because that's an immediate sort of calming.
00:38:49
Speaker
But and, you know, your kids are always watching you. you You think maybe they're not because you think that they think you're dumb, but especially if it's a teenager, but they're watching you all the time. And so they're going to pick up on those things and and realize that, you know, hey, mom's pretty chill. Like, that's cool.
00:39:11
Speaker
Like, I want to be like that. Like, who's this lady now? um But that's very important because I don't think a lot of us realize when we're going through those states, you know, phases and or not phases, but trauma that causes us to get in this dysregulation that how important it is to get, to take care of ourselves, to regulate our nervous system, because it is contagious to our children, how we are.
00:39:42
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. that was sorry go on That was the biggest thing that I saw in the school system. Um, I mean, my best, the, when I would get the best out of those non-speaking kids, it was when I was regulated, when I was the calmest. And some of those classrooms, it was hard because when you've got a classroom full neurodivergent kids or a mix of neurotypical and neurodivergent, you know, when if one kid starts to pitch a fit, then all the kids, you know, sort of get dysregulated. So it was, it really was important for me to come in
00:40:24
Speaker
to the classroom calm so that I could, you know, give a little bit of that to the teachers and the other kids, which is hard to do sometimes.
00:40:36
Speaker
um i Yes, i I believe that wholeheartedly. And like, just like listening to everything you've said and everything I read that you've just made me realize like how,
00:40:47
Speaker
serious this is for our children so like I need to get my stuff together pretty quickly oh because I said I'm pretty sure you have most of your stuff together don't know about that um like I said I'm a recovering people pleaser and it is it is a day-by-day situation that I've had to learn to put boundaries and it is okay to say no and no is a full sentence like that is no it's a full sentence Yes, you do not. You do not owe anybody an explanation about what you need in your life.
00:41:22
Speaker
Yeah, always thought I had to validate that reasoning. And you don't have to it's a full sentence. Okay, um the second thing you mentioned you wanted to talk about that moms need to hear was there is always a lesson in the trials we face, but we have to be open to learn from them. So given everything you've walked through and bless you, you've been through it and back, how do you actually access that openness when you're in the middle of the hardest season?
00:41:54
Speaker
i think, you know, what I've learned through all of this is it's just so much easier to be joyful than it is to be angry. I mean, you know what, and like and my husband and i just had this conversation the other day, because like I said, he thinks he still thinks I'm crazy. um But i I told him, I said, I'm always looking for miracles.
00:42:15
Speaker
So if I'm always looking for miracles, I'm bound to find one. it's like once a week, you know, at least if not every day. um Yeah, because, and he does buy into, you know, whether you look for the good or the bad, you're going to find it. um but That's what I told him. I said, it's just so much more fun to look for miracles than it is to be angry about all the stuff that I went through that I had no control over, new control.
00:42:42
Speaker
And that' that's been a really hard lesson in my life because I had so little control as a child. that I wanted to try to control everything as an adult.
00:42:53
Speaker
And that is just a hard way to live. Oh, that is good. that kind of really resonated with me because we grew up I grew up military and we had to move all the time. And i was always okay with that. At least I thought I was. But when you just said that, maybe it's like, so I do try to control everything in my life. And maybe because everything was out of control when I was younger. Yes. You're helping me heal. Yeah.
00:43:21
Speaker
I just, it's just so much easier. Like, and my husband is terrible about this because he gets, you know, he'll get worked up. He's pretty, a pretty chill guy, but he can get worked up about certain things. And I'm like, honey, do you have any control over that?
00:43:36
Speaker
And he's like, no. I'm like, well, then let it go. like Like, if you can't, if you can change something, then change it. By all means, do all the things and, you know, go back to school and get your master's degree and do all the things. I'm all for that. But if there is something that I have no, absolutely no control over, I got to let it go.
Empowerment and Leadership
00:43:58
Speaker
Because what good am I doing myself just worrying about it? Amen. Amen. Kind of let it go. um You know, whenever you've talked about like how unhealed wounds become patterns, can you say more about what that actually looks like for women who are building businesses or leading teams or doing going back for their master's degree?
00:44:22
Speaker
Well, I don't think that you're going to be able to lead anybody else until you feel like you're a leader. And because people can see through that. And that's where I lived for a lot of years. Like I was saying that I wanted to do all of these things, but I didn't believe that first of all, that I deserved it. i didn't believe that I deserved anything, but I definitely didn't deserve that.
00:44:46
Speaker
Think that i was a leader or a teacher or an educator. And so i had to really, it really goes back to that self-care being being just being proud of myself.
00:45:04
Speaker
You know what mean? Like really looking back. And I think that's the biggest thing that the book taught me because after you write all those things down and you read the manuscript 14,000 times, cause you're going through edit phases. yeah guess about About time 12,000 that I read my story, I was like, holy moly, I'm really strong.
00:45:28
Speaker
Like I went through all of that and I'm still here. I'm still standing. know what I mean? So I think you just really got to take ownership of your gifts and know that you're meant to share those gifts with the world.
00:45:43
Speaker
But until you realize that people are going to, they're going to see that you're, you know, faking it or that you don't believe in yourself. And so I don't think you can expect someone else to believe in you if you don't first believe in your heart that you're doing what you're meant to do.
00:46:00
Speaker
Oh my goodness. That is so good. And this also leads into the third lesson you kind of wanted to share with audience today. and that was speak your truth out loud, the way you want it to be told because people love to fill in the gaps for you.
00:46:16
Speaker
my goodness. Can you give us an example? What happens when we don't speak our truth? Yeah, because people assume and people will judge. People are very judgy about things. And so, you know, it was kind of like about me telling the whole world that my husband cheated on me.
00:46:35
Speaker
um Once you shine light on something, what is what is somebody else going to say that you haven't already said? I mean, I told the entire world that my husband cheated. Okay, so what? Like we moved through that and we are better for it and we are stronger now. You know what i mean? So I just think that um if you don't speak your truth, someone else will speak it for you. It's kind of like the same thing with um communicating with your kids.
00:47:06
Speaker
You know, if you don't if you don't tell your kids how the world really is, someone else is going to tell them. And so I just think that We need to take our power back and tell our story, our story, our truth, the way that we want it to be
Passion for Storytelling and Publishing
00:47:23
Speaker
told. And that's, I love helping other women do that. And that's part of what I do now. I've opened my own publishing company so that i can help other women write their stories and publish their books and um so that they can help other women.
00:47:38
Speaker
Oh my goodness. Okay. You're, you're, good you're going help me. I need to get a book out. Yeah. and You have already written a book. You need to write a book, girl. I know you've told me part of your story. Yes. Yes. so you can help me do that.
00:47:51
Speaker
Um, and so going to that, you're, you're storytelling coach among the many other hats you wear. Incredible. um yeah So for the woman who's listening, she spent her whole life shrinking, who has a story she's been holding on to, but doesn't want doesn't know where or how to start. Where does she begin?
00:48:11
Speaker
You need to find a community. And that is that's really what I found. I joined the Mastermind. And I absolutely adore and love my coach, Amberly Lago. She's a mentor to me. I mean, I just, she's one of my favorite humans on the planet, but she completely changed my life and her community.
00:48:33
Speaker
know what I mean? Being in rooms with other women who had walked through fire and we're building businesses and we all come together and help each other. and so I think, I mean, that's the first thing, like just reach out to a friend. and say, hey, i have a dream.
00:48:50
Speaker
Will you listen to it? And then find those people that will support you through it. if that's been That's been my biggest growth in like the past year and a half, just finding those other women that that think like me.
00:49:04
Speaker
I love that. And how do you know when your story is ready to share versus when it still needs to maybe stay private?
00:49:16
Speaker
Yeah, I mean, that's, I think that's different for everybody. um And, you know, Amberley coaches, you know, not to speak from, you know, to speak from a scar, not an open wound.
00:49:27
Speaker
And, but I think that writing the book is actually very healing. I mean, that, that helped me tremendously just getting it down on paper And like I said, and then reading it back and realizing how much I had been through and how much I had overcome, that was very healing to me.
00:49:47
Speaker
so And is this where Soul Story Collective is built around? That's where it was birthed from. Yes. Can you tell us a little bit about more about that community and like what, what you do there?
00:50:01
Speaker
Yeah, I, so you know how whenever you start something, it always, i mean, it'll it'll be what you thought it was gonna be, but then it also turns into to something even different. um The women that I have found that I'm helping write their stories,
00:50:17
Speaker
ah have been some of the women that I thought, but they didn't always come in the way that I thought they would, you know what i mean? And so a lot of them are very um spiritual or God-led, but I'm also doing an anthology with a community of, um it's a nonprofit and everybody in the group is a spinal cord injury. And so I'm helping them tell their story so that they can have a a book to give to people who are newly injured. And so I'm so blessed to be a part of that um because obviously none of them are really authors. So I'm getting to take them, you know, through their whole
00:50:54
Speaker
journey, which is healing for them too. And a lot of them have been injured for a long time and some not so much, you know, there's a lot of different stories in there, but um yeah, I mean, I'm a full service publishing company and um I've got a graphic designer cause I love to work on, I'm very creative. And so I love to work on like the, the book covers and, and all those kinds of things. And I'm just really enjoying meeting with my clients every week and, you know, going over chapter ideas and, you know, the, the layout of the book and what we want to put in and what we want to keep out. And, um, there people find, you know, a lot of stuff we'll be talking things that they need to heal through and that, you know, it's a healing point for me too. So it's a blessing both ways.
00:51:45
Speaker
That's amazing. And you work primarily with women over 40, right? Yeah, I mean, I think, yeah, that's that's what what's been coming to me. But like I said, with this the spinal cord community, I mean, they're all ages and males, females.
00:52:00
Speaker
So that's been really fun. And is that when, is that what that was what your TEDx talk was about, the importance of nonverbal communication? my Yeah, my TEDx is, yeah, nonverbal communication and emotional intelligence. It's about a lot about energy. Yeah.
00:52:16
Speaker
Wow. What was the moment you knew you had enough to say on something that you knew had, you had something powerful, I should say, on and and enough to say on a stage like that, just so like, you know, mom's listening, they you could be like, okay, maybe I do, I can do this.
00:52:33
Speaker
You know, I think it was just, you know, how you just start saying things out loud. You don't even know why you're saying them. And I think those are those little God nudges, you know, or God winks. And sometimes you just, you say something, you're like, oh,
00:52:47
Speaker
Who said that? like Like, where did that come from? But I mean, being in the entrepreneur world, obviously, you know, I've now I have a lot of friends that have done a TEDx and I just think that it was another thing to challenge me.
00:53:02
Speaker
Apparently, I like to be challenged. I never would have thought that before. i would have thought that I would run from every challenge. But it also, i mean, a TEDx is hard.
00:53:14
Speaker
It's a totally different animal than just like, you know, getting up in front of a room of people and and doing a talk about your story. You know, it's it's really hard. And so I'm very proud of myself that I went through that whole journey and came out on the other side of it.
00:53:30
Speaker
Yes, definitely. You should be. I did a so ah something that's kind of similar. It's called um Kingdom, um Kim Tim. It's for Kingdom Impact Storytellers. so Oh, cool. Similar concept, but obviously it's not TEDx, but yeah.
00:53:46
Speaker
that That process was really hard for me to go up there and share your story. So I can't imagine on that level of, yeah, that's um that's that that's a one day goal for me to do that. Well, if I can do it, anybody can do it. Cause I was the girl who would not get up in front of anybody and say anything ah probably even 10 years ago and um just did a TEDx. So yeah. Oh my goodness.
00:54:14
Speaker
Well, um there's one more thing I want to mention before we get off here. Your book, Eat Your Feelings, hit number one in Amazon in five categories. Right? Wild. like Wow.
00:54:27
Speaker
Okay, let's get what is that book really about at its core? And who did you write it for? ah real I mean, I really think I wrote it for me. i wrote it to heal. um But it is it is a self-help memoir. So it is the story of my family's life. um I start with my dad because all of the experiences with my dad shaped who I became. And so then um each all of my family members kind of get their own little chapter.
00:54:55
Speaker
And, um, but I have a lot of tools in there. You know, I, I've come up with a lot of little frameworks and strategies along the way that I didn't even realize I was doing until I went to write this book. And I was like, oh my gosh, like I really have been using strategy. I didn't even I just thought I was floundering through life. And it turns out that, um, you know, I really did have frameworks and, um, I don't know what the other word I'm looking for is, but but ways to to help you navigate what you're going through.
Impact of Adoption and Final Reflections
00:55:28
Speaker
And so there's some places in there, you know, to to write feelings and notes. And one of my friends from church, she's so cute.
00:55:36
Speaker
She does not like to feel her feelings. And so she told me she was reading the book and she's like, well, I just threw your book at the wall. and I was like, okay.
00:55:48
Speaker
She said, yeah, you got me all of my feels and I didn't want to feel them. And so I just chucked it at the wall. I said, well, then you were having an emotion and that was the goal. So I was proud of her for that. And she did, she did finish reading it. um But yeah.
00:56:06
Speaker
Oh my gosh. I just want people to know that you can go through a lot of tragedy tragedy and come out on the other side joyful and and to be able to help other people with what you've learned. So. Absolutely. um Now, do you, if your younger self, the little girl who was told her voice didn't matter, could see you now, the one giving these TEDx talks, writing the bestselling books, what do you think she would feel?
00:56:35
Speaker
I've actually had conversations with her That's been some of my work is that I've done. And Yeah, it's been very interesting because she was just so scared and just, you know, just afraid to do anything that i I just felt I felt so stuck for so many years because that little girl inside of me was frozen, literally frozen in fear.
00:57:00
Speaker
And so now um and she's very proud of me. And we have conversations all the time. I love it. Oh my gosh. That's good.
00:57:11
Speaker
um What's the best decision you think you've ever made as a mom? Oh my gosh. um I mean, adoption, you know, i just, I think adoption is the best thing ever.
00:57:26
Speaker
And, you know, i always always wanted my own children because, you know, I still have those times where, you know, I see friends And like even me and my mom, like we look almost exactly alike.
00:57:39
Speaker
And like when I look into my child's, my kid's eyes, i see someone else's face. You know what i mean? I don't see my features or my my things in them, but they're mine.
00:57:52
Speaker
They were meant to be mine. And so I think that's been the best decision is just then the gift of adoption. I believe I wholeheartedly have a good friend of mine. She's adopted few children and it's crazy because what made me think of this is when, ah you know, nature versus nurture, her her kids look just like them.
00:58:16
Speaker
So, and it's, you wouldn't know and, but not blood related at all. And it is incredible. And I just think adoption is just amazing.
00:58:27
Speaker
a beautiful, beautiful option. And, um, yeah, our son favors us. Um, my girls are very like olive skinned, dark eyes, dark hair. So like, you can tell they didn't come out of me, but, um, our son is, um, fair skinned blue eyes.
00:58:44
Speaker
So nobody ever questioned that my husband, cause my husband and I, my husband and i both have blue eyes. And so, yeah.
00:58:52
Speaker
Okay. Um, what does leading like a mama mean to you? Leading like a mama. I don't fierce being fierce and doing, um, doing whatever the heck it is that you want to do with your life and showing your kids that they can do that too.
00:59:12
Speaker
I think that's really important. I love that. Oh my goodness, Christina, this conversation has been everything I hoped it would have been and more. um i'm going to go back and listen to this like a hundred times. like It's so good. um There's so many good juicy nuggets and just you're living proof that pain It doesn't have to be your prison. it can absolutely become your platform and how you used your faith to get you through it.
00:59:40
Speaker
even Even during the times you were you were so angry, but through it all, your faith got you through it. And um before I let you go, is there one message that you believe more than anything that moms need to hear right now?
00:59:58
Speaker
Just self-care is not selfish. that you really do need to take time for yourself because you will be a better mama and you will be able to lead um more efficiently if you take care of yourself first.
01:00:14
Speaker
Yes, that is so good. um And before I let you go, can you tell everyone where they can find you, what they can get from, you know, working with you and just how to be in your world? Yeah. Thank you so much for having, this has been so fun. um So I'm all over Instagram, Christina P. Simmons on Instagram. I'm on Facebook. um It's Christina Borges Simmons. But if you put in Christina Simmons, I'll, I'll come up on there. I'm on LinkedIn as Christina Simmons. um
01:00:45
Speaker
My website is ChristinaPSimmons.com. And yeah, if you have a story to tell and, but it's, it feels a little heavy and you're not sure how to tell it. I bring my clinical side and my own trauma background to hold space for that and to heal through that storytelling process. So I would love to work with anybody who wants to do that.
01:01:10
Speaker
Oh my goodness, Christina. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, just for not giving us the cleaned up version of your story today. It's been, it's been a powerful. And here's what I want you to take with you, friend. You were not made to lead from depletion. You were not made to let someone else write your story. And you were absolutely not made to walk into your calling with your head down. you belong there. there.
01:01:38
Speaker
You walk in like you own like you know it and you own it. um So don't carry doubt into rooms you prayed to walk into, as Christina has said. So, and if this episode moved you, and I know it did, hit subscribe right now so you never miss an ah episode like this one and share it with a mom who needs to hear it today. And find me on Instagram and find Christina because we also want to know and hear what you thought of this episode as well. And be sure to connect with Christina and get her book. And i will see you on the next episode. So keep leading, keep growing and keep believing in what's possible.
01:02:20
Speaker
You've been listening to Mamas Who Lead with Laura Carafino. Thank you for joining us on this journey today. Each episode, each story, and every piece of advice we share is a step towards building a community of empowered, resilient, and inspiring Mama leaders, just like you.
01:02:39
Speaker
Remember leadership isn't just about the title or the workplace. It's about how we navigate our lives, uplift those around us and pave the way for future generations. As we close today's episode, I encourage you to carry forward the insights and inspiration you've gained, apply them to your life, share them with your tribe and continue to lead with heart and purpose.
01:03:00
Speaker
For more empowering stories, strategies, and support, make sure you subscribe to Mamas Who Lead on your favorite podcast platform. And don't forget to follow us on social media for behind the scenes content, community discussions, and much more. Until we meet again, keep embracing your unique journey of leadership and motherhood.
01:03:21
Speaker
You are capable, you are powerful, and you are exactly where you're meant to be. Lead on Mamas.