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EP 38: Raising Confident Daughters: Expert Strategies for Building Self-Worth with Nellie Harden
22 Plays4 months ago
Transform how you parent your daughter with proven strategies that build unshakable confidence and self-worth.
In this essential episode, host Laura Caroffino sits down with Nellie Harden, family leadership expert and founder of the 6570 Project, to reveal the science-backed approach to raising daughters who lead with confidence.
What You'll Discover:• The critical difference between self-worth, self-esteem, and confidence—and why most parents get this wrong • The 5 pillars every daughter needs to feel truly worthy (seen, heard, loved, belonging, purpose) • How to navigate social media's impact on your daughter's confidence without being the "mean parent" • The 6570 Project: Why you have exactly 6,570 days to make your highest impact as a parent • Practical strategies for one-on-one time that actually builds connection • How to break generational cycles and heal your own wounds while parenting • Age-specific confidence-building approaches from toddler to teen years
About Nellie Harden:Mom of four daughters, biology and psychology expert, contributing writer at Focus on the Family, and author of "No-Problem Parenting." Featured on over 120 platforms for her transformative approach to family leadership.
Perfect for: Moms of daughters, parents concerned about confidence issues, families navigating social media challenges, anyone wanting to raise strong, confident girls.
Keywords: parenting daughters, building confidence, self-worth, family leadership, teen girls, social media parenting, mother-daughter relationships, raising strong girls
Resources Mentioned: nellieharden.com, 6570 Project, Focus on the Family
Subscribe to Mommas Who Lead for more conversations that help purpose-driven mommas lead with confidence in every season of life.
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Transcript
00:00:15
Speaker
Okay, what if I told you that the way we respond to our daughters first, I can't do this moment could shape whether she becomes a confident leader or someone who plays small her entire life. Today we're talking about the science and heart behind raising girls who don't just survive in this world, they thrive and lead in it.
00:00:36
Speaker
Welcome to Mamas Who Lead. i am your host, Laura Carafino, and today i am sitting down with someone who's made it her mission to crack the code on confidence.
00:00:47
Speaker
Please meet Nellie Hardin. She's a mom mom of four daughters, family leadership expert and the founder of the 6570 project. She's taken her background in biology and psychology and turned it into the roadmap for parents who want to raise children with unshakable confidence. She's been featured on over 120 platforms because her message is exactly what parents need to hear right now. So Nellie, welcome to the show. Hi, thank you so much for having me.
00:01:19
Speaker
I'm so excited to have this conversation. um i have I have a daughter myself, and so i have but I have four boys, so little different. Very. So I want to start right there. you know You have your four daughters. What's the moment you realized that everything you thought you knew about building confidence in girls needed to kind of be reimagined?
00:01:43
Speaker
Well, I never was at the point that it needed to be reimagined. It just had to be created. i really myself didn't have confidence. And, ah you know, in my upbringing and and things, i I wasn't intentionally made aware of what worth and esteem and confidence was at all. And it was just... You know, I grew up in the 80s and 90s, and it was we were just all kind of on this conveyor belt that looked like one, you know, school picture after another. And then at the end, it was a sign that said, good luck, you know, you're 18, see you later. Even though I wasn't even 18, I graduated ah high school and left home when I was 17. And so, um yeah, by the time I left and I was dropped off seven hours away from home, realized
00:02:32
Speaker
had a very visceral understanding of, I really do not know who I am, how to have confidence or anything. And and that's a very dangerous place for a young woman to be. And i i proved that myself in just my first semester of college. And i I had experiences and went down pathways because I was chasing my worth anywhere I could find it and attaching myself to anyone that seemed like they had confidence, i.e. my roommate back then who was a party girl. And I was not a party girl, but she seemed to know what she was doing. So I guess I'll you know go that way. And then someone else does something. Okay, I guess I'll go that way. Someone gives you a compliment. I guess I'll go that way. right And so not standing in your own worth and understanding who you are, especially who I am through Christ, which I had no foundation of either, was really a very difficult situation for me to be in that then caused
00:03:32
Speaker
decades, honestly, of healing that needed to be done from just a short amount of time getting out there and not knowing, not knowing my own worth. And so then i have four daughters, right? And ah I had four daughters within four years. So they're all very close in age. Right now, they're all between 16 20.
00:03:53
Speaker
Dr. Sarah Holtz- Deep breath so there's a lot going on, but I also serve in the Community and I serve in my work. Sarah Holtz- I see these constant patterns out there of these young women not understanding their worth and their esteem and and confidence, knowing that there's a distinction between them and how to actually.
00:04:14
Speaker
functionally build them as leaders into their lives and as them themselves. And so that's why, my goodness, ah years and years and years ago, I started developing these patterns of what can we actually do to logistically and, and you know,
00:04:33
Speaker
ah tactically put something in the hands of these people that are raising and leading these young women and the young women themselves to actually build this. It's one thing to say, oh, you are worthy or, you know, you're great or what have you. But it's another thing to actually own that. And I wanted these young women to own that.
00:04:51
Speaker
yeah You brought up a lot actually. And, you know, and it's crazy. Cause I, I think a lot of us, when we do go into college, we do kind of experience that. I mean, I spent, I experienced something very similar. i went in, I thought fully confident and then something happened that kind of shook that confidence. And then you're kind of chasing that self-worth as what you said. Yeah. So,
00:05:15
Speaker
And during all of this, or after you've experienced all this through your experiences, you developed this 6570 project. I'm fascinated by that. And its name, how did you come up with it? And what did the numbers represent? And why should every parent understand what they mean?
00:05:32
Speaker
Yeah, so that is how many days are in 18 years. And so I speak very real from this. I have twins that turned 18 last week. And so, um and it does not mean that your parenting journey is over, not by far. I have a 20-year-old. We're still very much in the parenting journey and you will always be their parent.
00:05:52
Speaker
But- hold on to your seats, about 80 to 90% of the time you will spend with your child is within the first 18 years. And so that as a parent, as a leader is your highest impact zone. That's your highest timeframe of influence that you will have in their lives. And it's really, really important. And so 6570 project, that's where that came from. Now, that is not a call to everyday carpe diem, gotta be perfect, gotta do this. In fact, you need to, and you will fall down. You will make mistakes. And that's part of the learning process and teaching them how to do that too. Okay, you know mom made a mistake. How did she you know turn that around? How did she turn it into something better even? How did she come and approach and apologize for something that she might've misspoke about or what have you? All of it is a lesson.
00:06:49
Speaker
There is a lesson in everything, good, bad, and everything in between. And so that's what this timeframe is about. I love that. And it's just so meaningful. six and When you put it that way, it's kind of like, wow, that's really, it sounds like a lot, but you don't really have that one. It goes by so fast. So fast.
00:07:11
Speaker
I mean, I, my kids range from age five to 23. And so and, um, it, you know, a parenting, like to teenagers to young adults to toddlers.
00:07:28
Speaker
It's that's a lot. Yeah. It's a lot. Parenting the teen years with the toddler years. Oh, yeah. And boys and girls are vastly different too. um i have I have noticed that. And handling their um their, you know, helping them with their confidence is vastly different. And so, and one thing I noticed when a lot of the things when you were talking about, you talk ah about the difference between self-esteem versus self-worth. Yeah.
00:07:59
Speaker
um For the mom that's listening who's never thought about that distinction, can you break that down in a way that changes how that changes how they parent today? Yeah. Well, it's really important to understand that worth, everyone is worthy.
00:08:17
Speaker
Everyone is worthy. But and so or hearing that and understanding that are two very different things. And there's five pillars of that worth that...
00:08:28
Speaker
ah frankly, always have been, always are, and always will be. And that is for someone to understand that I am seen, i am heard, I belong, I am loved, and I have purpose. And when you look at the plethora, the many, many, many issues that are happening with our adolescents today, from, you know, it' private issues to social issues to, you know, getting in trouble at school or, or whatever have you on a large or small micro scale.
00:09:01
Speaker
It all comes down to one or more of those is not being understood, met, or fed into. Because if they're not seen, they feel invisible.
00:09:12
Speaker
We've heard that a lot from our adolescents today, especially our adolescent young women. um If I'm not heard, I'm silenced, right? Or I'm ah i'm not being able to express my opinion. um I don't belong. no one loves me. And I have no purpose. What am I doing here? I might as well cause some ruckus to get people to pay attention to me. Right. And so those things, the seen, heard, loved, belong, and purpose, that is what we really need to feed feed into our kids, not enabling them at all, but we want to feed into them through simple, simple things like
00:09:49
Speaker
eye contact, putting your phone down, having one-on-one time with them each week. we In my house, we have scheduled one-on-one time with each of our kids every week. In fact, as soon as I get off of this, I'm having it with my college kid and we we do use FaceTime for that. and so But then the other three that are still at home, we do to Monday nights and Thursday night and my husband and I switch between them. so ah any given daughter. So I'll say one of my daughters, her name is Lana. ah Lana knows that, you know, every Thursday she's going to get mom or dad in her, in her room talking, having one-on-one time between nine and 10. And so it's, and that's just what fits into our schedule and what we did. um But it's really important to set up those times that they can rely on. And it, it could be
00:10:41
Speaker
fun time. It could be serious time. it could be conflict, you know, and courageous conversation time. It could be, Hey, let's sit down and and create something together. It can be different every week, but it's really important to create that bond. So, you know, your child, so you know how they will feel seen, heard, loved, belong and have purpose.
00:11:05
Speaker
Yes. We've tried to do we've tried to do that with our kids too, to but make sure that they have that, um, that moment with us because we, like you said, we need them to see seen, loved, heard.
00:11:18
Speaker
Um, and it's made a huge, it makes a huge difference and not a lot of families do that though. I know. Well, we're so busy today. And I get it. we are we are so, so busy. But you can find, you know, caveats in here. We're dog sitting this week for some neighbors, for example. So I can take one of the kids over there and have some time with them if need be. Right. um And that's on the run. But when, when it really comes down to it, try to have it with them.
00:11:49
Speaker
And honestly, it really matters that it's in their room and it sounds weird and quirky, but when you have that one-on-one time in their room, they're inviting you into their space, right? Or what they deem as their space, even though you own their space, but their space, right? right And you get to see, ah you know, a different side and,
00:12:11
Speaker
It doesn't matter how many things are happening on the outside or even at the family dinner table or at school or what have you. When you are brought into that space and you get to sit down and be like, hey, how are you? What's going on with you? I remember you talking about that friend, you know, so-and-so, whatever happened with that situation. And they see that you that you are interested, truly interested in their lives. Then they will start to really, you know, break down the walls and share with you. and you will get such a deeper richer relationship that way
00:12:44
Speaker
Yes, I agree. And I think it would make a huge impact. Your relationship will just grow if you have that one-on-one connection with them. yeah um Now, another thing that I noticed that our daughters are struggling or growing up with that we didn't have that exposure to social media, right? Mm-hmm.
00:13:02
Speaker
I mean, we had the comparison culture and stuff like that back then, but um I think more so today with social media and that provide that brings up a lot of unprecedented pressure. So what do you think is the biggest threat to their confidence that we might not even see coming with all of those?
00:13:22
Speaker
Honestly, I think it's distraction and information overload um are the biggest problems. Our comparison is always going to exist. I mean, for me, it was teen bop magazines and MTV. And for them, it's Instagram and, you know, threads or whatever, TikTok fill in the blank. And so comparison is always going to exist. It is it is definitely exponential these days, but the distraction is a huge problem because our kids are losing the ability to think and have conversations and communicate. And a silly example of this, but so true to form is recently my husband and I went to a wedding of some, ah some um kids that we I say kids, they're in their 20s, but kids that we ah mentored. And ah so we went to a wedding of theirs. And then last night, we were at the homecoming bonfire at the high school. And we noticed that all these songs that are being played, song after song after song, is a line dance.
00:14:24
Speaker
And it was such an interesting observation because we we were understanding that these kids don't know how to go out on a dance floor and just dance, right? Everything has to be instructed and timed out and given sequence because their creativity, I see this like creativity being lost. The age of TikTok is, oh, if this song is on, this is how you dance to it. If this is happening, this is what you do, right? It's this cause and effect, cause and effect, but they're losing out on the, like, creativity and using that frontal lobe for themselves. And it came across in such a silly way as like line dancing at a, you know, homecoming bonfire. um
00:15:04
Speaker
But it it really is true. So distraction and this information overload and people telling them what they should be doing instead of thinking for themselves. That is what I truly think is the biggest demise that comes along with social media when they're on there all the time. Not to mention, of course, the big ones of comparison and perfectionism and identity shifting and um ah um being able to focus, right? Your focus time ah being dwindled because they're all watching five second videos and scroll five, you know, second scroll. So yeah, it is it is a challenge for sure.
00:15:41
Speaker
Do you have any recommendations? Like how could a parent, I guess, combat that with, you know, especially teenagers? i know with younger kids, you can limit the screen time. Yeah. um I mean, do you just continue to do that with the older children as well?
00:15:58
Speaker
Yeah, I mean, just setting up boundaries is really important, but especially with older children, you have to give them the reason to set up the boundary. Just because I said so is not going to work all the time, if ever, right, as they're getting older. So I really encourage you to sit down and watch the documentaries together. Have discussions about it, right? There's some great ones on Netflix. There's some on Prime. um You can find them on YouTube, what have you, but watch the documentaries together so they can see what is happening and how the companies are truly, for marketing gains and and financial gains, manipulating their feeds in order to give them this and this and this. I mean, there's no other time in history that I think it's more apparent that depending on how your social feed is, polarizes you in one way or another. You know, two people can look at one person and think that they are the greatest thing ever and think that they are the worst thing ever. And it really all has to do with what you are being fed.
00:17:02
Speaker
And so it's really important that they know that, they know true sources to go to, they know that they know that they're being manipulated ah for, you know, ah ah the the bottom line, if you will.
00:17:16
Speaker
but watch those and then have healthy boundaries. So no phones in bedrooms at night. We have a box in our room that all the kids turn in their phones at night into, um, and they say goodnight and turn in their phone. Right. So it's not in their bedrooms overnight. And then we really try to talk to them a lot about staying out of the video scroll hole is what I call it. Right. And so, um, you want to play a game games can be great, right? I, I, Block Blaster, you know, any strategic games, those can be great. They're using your brain, you're thinking about solutions, right? I'm not saying stay on there forever, but if I look over and they're playing a game, I'm like, okay, right? But if I look over and they're doing that, you know, these five second videos next, five second videos next,
00:18:01
Speaker
You know, I'm just letting them know how long have you been doing that and watching those? I don't know. Okay, well, let's look. And they go over to their screen time. Oh, it's been 25 minutes. but Okay, we're done for the day with that. You want to play game? Fine. But let's stay away because your your brain is not doing well with that, right?
00:18:20
Speaker
And just observing too, because when they get on there and then they turn it off and they go to face humans again, the real world again, 99 times out of 100, they're snappy, they're judgmental, they're rude, they're, so you know, tired or groggy because their brain is going from being fed to then needing to, you know, pour out on others. And that transition is not a one second transition. And the longer you're in there, the longer it's going to take. You can kind of think about it like in Pinocchio, which I know some of our, you know, younger kids have not watched, but in Pinocchio, there's the there's the fair land or the fair and the playground that all the donkeys go into and the longer you're in there the more you turn into those things right and it's the same type of idea that's happening with our kids and social so boundaries are very very important
00:19:12
Speaker
Yes. It's, I've noticed that with my kids too. If I, when I go to take it, like, okay, your screen time is up. It's, you oh my goodness. My, my five-year-old said the funniest thing with us, with me yesterday about that. I was taken away. We were going to church and he goes, but mom, Jesus says for parents to let them watch their iPads.
00:19:35
Speaker
And I said, no, honey, Jesus says, bring your parents. Yeah. That's so funny. Can you find that scripture verse? That would be great. I was just caught off guard, like with five-year-old saying that, like, it was funny. Sorry.
00:19:53
Speaker
Anyway. Back on track here. Okay. um Now, you know, those are really great tips. And um i know I'm going to implement more of that boundaries for my kids. But what about whenever i hear moms say, i don't want my daughter to struggle like I did with confidence. You know, we're talking about the beginning and about going to college and you know, we kind of lose ourselves and, you know, and sometimes our own unhealed wounds show up in our parenting. So how do we break those cycles so that our daughters don't repeat what we did?
00:20:27
Speaker
Well, first of all, we can't save them from ah coming across comparison and going through hard times. But what we can do is prepare them through our stories. And that takes vulnerability. You have to be able to be open and vulnerable with them in order to do that. And sometimes that means, you know what, this is what happened to me. And I would love for you to not have to to go through this and let them know your story, but also If we are mothering from a traumatic position, which I know I certainly have before, and I know other people have, and a not completely healed or maybe not even started healed position, being vulnerable enough to go to your child and say, you know what?
00:21:12
Speaker
I didn't make the best choice in parenting you in this way or at this time because I was not a healed person and I wasn't healed because ABC happened to me And I want to make sure that I'm setting you up better than what, you know, than what I had and what I was equipped with. And so how can we do that together? So so really coming into it as a partnership and not a, you know, parent on the throne and child way down here, Right.
00:21:39
Speaker
especially as they get older, you are really escorting them into adulthood all the way really up until about 25. But like I said, that first 18 years is your highest impact zone. But up until 25, you really are escorting them into adulthood. And you think about like, you know, walking them down the aisle. I have four daughters. So, you know, I think about this, walking them down the aisle, you know, at a wedding, you're escorting them into their future. And that's what you're doing here too, emotionally and mentally. And you're walking together. It's not like you're walking in front and saying, all right, just follow along with me and step where I step. That's not going to work because it is their own life that they have. But come together as a partnership and do that. Yeah.
00:22:27
Speaker
So, you know, you mentioned that you different um parenting approaches need to shift as children move through different stages. So as we're, you know, preparing to walk them all the way through 25, can you give us a roadmap of what does confidence building look like at 5, 10, and and so forth?
00:22:48
Speaker
Absolutely. And going back earlier, you asked me the distinction between worth and esteem, and I didn't get to esteem yet. So esteem is all about trusting yourself and your own decisions and getting there, right? It's it's va valuing your ah yourself. And so then confidence is believing in that. So it' you think about it like a three-tiered cake. Worth is on the bottom, and then esteem, and then confidence. at the top and you cannot get through confidence or get to confidence if you do not have worth and esteem and they build on one another. And really it's all on a platform of security and we have to be a safe place and we have to teach our kids in order to find safe places as well because growth cannot happen if you do not feel secure. um you know We've all been in emergency situations. When you're in an emergency, you are not growing, you're just reacting, right? And so we need to have safety and then those three. But to answer your question, um with confidence, you need to be able, when they're younger, It is really talking with ah talking with them through the decisions that they're making, even small decisions like, oh, why did you you know ah go and sit over here instead of sitting over there like you did you know last week? Why did you decide to eat those first, right?
00:24:04
Speaker
So many people think that our kids are just kids, but we're raising adults, we're raising people. And when we can understand that and we can understand that this frontal lobe right under our foreheads is developing in them throughout that time, we are laying the tracks for the rest of their life. And so we need to talk with them and get them thinking and having critical thinking skills. in that time period. So asking questions just and just let them talk. The answers will not make sense most of the time, especially when they're that young, but it gets them thinking about what they're doing and the choices that they're making and maybe making a different choice next time. We'll see.
00:24:44
Speaker
but have the conversations with them. And then as they're getting older, you want to still be having those conversations with them, but consequences get bigger as they're getting older. you know i have you know a couple of kids that are putting in college applications right now, so consequences are big in what they're doing. And you know they have been for the past couple of years with grades and and extracurriculars and what they're pouring into. and asking them what do you want and what are you walking toward and so i mean that's that's what we're doing here where we have our thoughts and our feelings and our decisions and then we're always moving towards something and keeping that carrot if you will out there of what they are walking toward what their ideas are is really important because they will lose sight of it 100 because again this this part of their brain is under construction and they're working with the amygdala in the back which is just ah you know, that that really quick um ah emotional thinking.
00:25:43
Speaker
and But as this is working upfront or building upfront, the frontal lobe, then we need to help them stay on track with what they're looking for. Well, remember, this is what you wanted. And so this is, you know, this is your values and things. So something we do as a family every year, and you could do it twice a year if you want, we go through and you can just Google um a core values list. And all of our family members come up with their top three core values. And then we know them and we can help keep them in line with their own core values. So we're not keeping them in line with our core values. We're keeping them in line with their core values. So they have ownership of it and they're then filtering their behaviors and actions through that core value list into where they want to go. So just, you know some ideas that you can have along the way.
00:26:38
Speaker
I love that, that you're asking them for their core values. I really love that. I know a lot of I know a few of the families I've worked with and women I've worked with, they do, um they kind of more focus on like a new year, like a resolution type thing for new year's with their children. They kind of focus on that, but I love the core values. That is very impactful.
00:27:02
Speaker
Now, have you ever worked with families where there is a delayed confidence development and that became like an issue? And what were the warning signs that parents should look for?
00:27:14
Speaker
Absolutely. it really goes with um the roadblocks of that worth that we're talking about. So when you see um the comparison is really kicking in super emotional one way or another, I mean, every child, especially a young woman is going to be super emotional, but there are extremes in there too. And there's always a reason behind it. You know, I work with all sorts of young women and and the youth programs and things that I run and the, you know, dubbed troublemakers or what have you, but there's always reasons behind there that you have to like unlock and you have to gain trust in their lives and really understand and and and take in what they're saying and not be shocked, right? So when they're trying to push your buttons and they're trying to be the troublemaker, just sitting there and talking with them and refusing to get up and leave like so many other people have done in their lives. So just be a constant in their lives, gain trust, and then you will be able to peel away the layers to whatever the issue is. Usually it has something to do with a parent, something that happened to them, what have you. And then once you get down to the root of the issue, then you can start helping them truly start to heal. But so many people don't have the patience in order or the time or what have you in order to stay there. That's why you want to focus on, obviously, your own children. Or if you work with children, you want to focus on a few because you can't do it for everybody, right? But hopefully every child has at least one adult in their lives that will be that constant for them. no matter what, we're going to sit here. And So one ah ah one of my daughters one time, she was being really snippy and i could tell something was going on, but on the outside, it was just, you're being rude and you know that's what your label is right now. You're just mean, right? they Very easily could have been that way.
00:29:15
Speaker
But as a mom, you're like, okay, something is going on, but this behavior is not acceptable. So we were out and everyone got out of the car and I was like, okay, you come, come over here. And it was at night and i was like, let's sit on the driveway. And of course she's like, um, excuse me, what? And I was like, yep, let's sit on the driveway. And so we sit on the driveway and I was like, I'm just going to sit here with you until you, you know, can tell me what's going on. And, and she's like, well, don't want us nothing's going on. I don't want to say, you know, and blah, blah, blah. And so i was like,
00:29:46
Speaker
gosh, the stars look beautiful tonight. Now I'm just looking around, you know, we sat there a good long while until she was calm enough to be clear enough to be able to see what was going on. And then we were able to talk about it and and get to some resolve. But yeah, you need to be able to sit there and be with them um and have, and have the patience and time and dedication to do so.
00:30:10
Speaker
Having a conversation. There are people too. Yes. Yes. um Now, what would you say to the mom? Like, let's say that her daughter comes home and she says, everyone else is better than me at everything.
00:30:26
Speaker
What is your response in that moment? Absolutely. And that for sure happens. I just had this conversation with one of my youth students last night. And um so then we just talked about the things that are unique to her and talking about how, ah you know, we're a Christ- ah um foundation family and so talking about how we are all made unique in his image and so what is your call what are you doing right how were you made and then also there's the old adage of stay in your own lane right you you don't want to go in somebody else's lane you can use that one too but talking about just
00:31:03
Speaker
them, not them compared to anybody. And they will always try to bring somebody else. Well, not as good as blah, blah, blah. I, well, at least I didn't do what so-and-so did. when This isn't about anyone else. We're only talking about you. Right. And so just having them understand how unique and, and singular they are and what a blessing they are can then turn around and help them see other people in that way too. It is not a one conversation solution because they are reminded about it every single day, many times a day when they go to school, when they get on their phones, when they get in their classroom chats or what have you. They're reminded i am not good enough. Right. And it's part of the brain wiring that's happening right now in those adolescent years as well, because they're trying to prove themselves and set themselves apart.
00:31:56
Speaker
But in doing that, the other side of that coin is I am alone and no and everyone else is is better than me. So again, it's our job as their leaders, mentors, parents to remind them of who they are and where they are going. So really just making that distinction and talking about them and their accomplishments and what they do.
00:32:18
Speaker
Even if it is the smallest, you know, the smallest thing, it is them and they can own it. Because once they own something of them, of themselves, their accomplishment, then everything else can fall into place much easier.
00:32:34
Speaker
I love that. So how do we, how do we teach our daughters to take up space and use our voice without raising an entitled kid? Yes, that is a balance. And there's also so much predisposition in there. I have four daughters that are, I call them four corners of a square. They are very, very different young women, which means you have to parent each one of them differently. So Whereas one of them, I have to get to speak up more. The other one I have to, okay, that wasn't your time to bring up your opinion. Right. And so it's different for everybody, which is why I like to do a lot of, you know, one-on-one work ah with people, but how to use a voice effectively, it really just comes down to respect and kindness. Right. And ah you know, fruit of the spirit, love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, kindness, faithfulness, gentleness, and and self-control, that self-control piece right in there, that is most important. I'm writing this whole series on maturity right now. And maturity comes through disciplining your thoughts,
00:33:40
Speaker
ah guarding, ah which guards your heart, everything you do comes from your heart. And the fruit of that is the fruit of the spirit. Right. And so when we can have self-discipline be a part of that, then we can ah then turn around and put it as an input. It has to be an output before it can be an input. Right. But that self-control piece, sit and listen. You want to be listened to? Absolutely. So do they. So sit and listen and don't be reactive. to what that person is saying, right? Take it in, listen to what they have to say, and then you can come up. But you have to be able to listen.
00:34:18
Speaker
Why? Because you want to be listened to as well. We all do. And so, you know, the seen, heard, love, belong, purpose, those are ingrained in my kids' heads for a reason. You want that. You need that. Your life and your your brain yearn for that. So does your heart. So does theirs. So let's make sure that we are seeking it for ourselves from God's self and then the world. And then we're also giving that to out to other people as well. So it really just comes down to having them understand their needs and the needs of other people.
00:34:49
Speaker
You know, you mentioned something there that made me think of something. Cause you, you speak on stages a a lot and you work with a lot of families. How do you handle like parenting moments when maybe you, in your opinion, you didn't get it right? Like, how do you handle that with the kids?
00:35:08
Speaker
Yeah, certainly have those. yeah We're not perfect, right? Yes, yes, certainly had those. And that comes down to showing them what it looks like to apologize, to come back and correct a mistake that you made without without letting them know, because you obviously reacted to something, many times, it's because you reacted to something they did and or said. And without saying, oh I was wrong. You were right. That's not what you want to do. What they did was wrong, but how I reacted to it was also wrong. And I could have done this. And this is what I hope to do in the future. And I do apologize for reacting the way that I did.
00:35:48
Speaker
um And so what are you going to change about your behavior that you did that also contributed to this, right? Every conflict. No, let me rephrase that. No conflict is zero one hundred. Every conflict, there's at least two parties in it and they have ownership of that. So both parties need to take ownership of their part that they contributed and how they can do better next time. And so it's it's important if there's a conflict for you to be able to come to the table and show that so that they know how to show that as well.
00:36:24
Speaker
um That is good. And it also models, I think, resilience too. Yeah. yeah and and And that's one thing I try to do is like when I've messed up, like, I'm sorry, i could have handled that a little better. um Ownership of it, for sure. So when you look at like the next generation of women leaders, what gives you hope? And is there anything that kind of keeps you up at night?
00:36:52
Speaker
Oh, many things keep me up at night. I'm 47, so... You're at the same age. Oh, there you go. um So yeah, many things keep me up at night from ah all sorts of things. um But...
00:37:07
Speaker
What truly does worry me is so many people, so many young women in particular, um and that's just because that's the area of work that I am in, just take what they are given, they don't think about it, and they are not discerning their their choices. And going back to what we were talking about with social media, they're being fed, you know, all of this through whatever rabbit trail they're on, they accept it as truth. And they're like, okay, well, this is, you know, my truth. This is my truth that there's no such thing as, is your truth, right? There is a truth. And, you know, going back to the conflicts, ah you know, situation, there is one person's perspective, another person's perspective, and the the actual truth is usually somewhere in the middle, right? And so we need to really understand that. But but our kids are not, are are being robbed of critical thinking and discernment and communication. And that is what is my biggest concern. fear for their future relationships, for their future ah careers and what they're going into. um And then all of these people that are adolescents right now are one day going to be running our country and world. And so that is a fear as well, right? How to have productive,
00:38:26
Speaker
courageous conversations um is is a skill that I feel like we're losing. And I'm really trying to fight the battle in my own home and out there in order to not have have that be the case. um But what i am excited for is I really do see some beautiful revolutions happening. I mean, my youth program that I'm a part of, ah when I... so i but um started working in it 10 years ago, it was maybe 50 kids that would come 40, 50 kids. And now it's up. I mean, we had 170 kids a couple of weeks ago, you know, coming on a Wednesday night. And I see this thirst. We just need to be able to have enough volunteers and adult leaders that are willing to step up and fill that thirst and point them in the direction that they can, they can get the answers and that they can go. So, um yeah, that's what that's what I'm excited about.
00:39:22
Speaker
I love that i that that. I have to agree with that, too. Like, for me, personally, that, too, is something I'm excited about. And I kind of, I see those same issues, too. Like, how like how do we have that, like, open conversations in today's world Yeah. I see that a lot of challenge. There's like a challenge out there right now, but taking those steps, getting involved and with your organizations, with certain organizations too, also helps. And I think also a faith component. i I feel that I think people who have a strong faith are
00:40:01
Speaker
ah more have more confidence and self-esteem I believe absolutely you look up the statistics on that as far as ah complications in life and career and marriages and um mental health and things there is a strong component of faith in there yes absolutely and if you could if you could sit down with every mom of a daughter and just share one thing what would that be I just want to breathe life into them and make sure that they know that they are seen and heard and loved and belong and have great purpose right now. And this is their time to, and not to say that they won't have other things later, but their assignment right now during the 65, 70 is primarily to guide that child that they are loving and leading And they have more influence. Just this morning, I saw somebody whose daughter was turning 13 and she posted, oh, my daughter's all grown up. And I was like, oh, no. I was like, your daughter is 13. She is not all grown up. There's still so much work to do. And you get to be a part of that and how, like, what a humbling and beautiful experience that is. It's like strap You got some work to do, right? Especially the 13 18 and then up to 25. So yeah, it would just be hug for everybody. You got this and let's go.
00:41:38
Speaker
is there, is there one phrase that you wish parents would stop saying to their daughters? Oh, stop saying. um i would thought you going to say start saying one of the things and I'll say that. Either one. Okay. Well, one of the things we say a lot is discipline yourself so others don't have to, you know, or the world doesn't have to or what have you. But yes, discipline yourself so others don't have to. That is something we say quite often because we do, we need to kind continuously be feeding into them learning how to have self-discipline. um And it really is the key to everything, success and and, you know, later on, later on or now giving your life over to Christ and all the things. um But what would I want them to stop saying is ah
00:42:26
Speaker
Gosh, ah stop acting like a child, right? Or act your age or on the other side of that coin. You're just a kid, right? I get I hear that a lot. Oh, they're just a kid. They're just teenagers and they give them this excuse for. rampant lying or misbehavior or acting a fool or what have you. And that is one of the worst things you can do for them. And people look back on, you know, parents can look back on their teenage days and, you know, as the glory days when they were getting into trouble all the time and doing this, that, and the other, but really was it, was it, you know, and what did that lead to in your life? And it you're still, you know, maybe going through some of the repercussions from that now. And so what can we do to equip them for success? Not your success, but their success. Mm-hmm.
00:43:18
Speaker
Oh, yeah, that I love that saying. I'm going to use that because that I mean, literally got goosebumps when you were saying that. And it's so true. We need to discipline ourselves first.
00:43:30
Speaker
Yeah, I love that. Is there any book that you can recommend that parents that wanted to understand confidence development that you would recommend for them to get? You know what? I would recommend almost any book by Brene Brown. um She is the vulnerability expert out there. And she was one of the ones um i've I've read all of her books that are out. um ah Courageous Leadership is a great one. And um just getting out there and learning how to be vulnerable to teach them how to be vulnerable and not in a weak way, because that's how I grew up, right? Like vulnerability was weak. And actually vulnerability is one of the strongest things that you can absolutely do. So Um, yeah, I would recommend any, any book by her and Sissy Goff is another great one too.
00:44:17
Speaker
Okay. I have one more question before we go off here. I know this has been so good. I i think I could have like probably four hours of this conversation and it's so good, especially today's podcast.
00:44:28
Speaker
in today's world that we need this conversation about raising daughters and, you know, um, but what would be your go-to strategy when, um, the child is stuck in, i can't mode.
00:44:43
Speaker
Hmm. Well, first of all, we need to remove that from the nomenclature or redefine it for them. So if they say I can't something, then let them know what that really means. Like I can't fly.
00:44:58
Speaker
Right. Personally on my own, but I can find a way to do that. Right. And so just redefining things for them is really important. And whatever that thing is that they can't do, dive into why they think that they can't do it. Did somebody tell them that they can't? was there's some hurt or hang up somewhere in there. um But it just goes back to peeling away those layers and building that trust between you two so that they can get to a point that they share. But redefining what can't, what really can't means so that you can get to they actually can do it.
00:45:39
Speaker
I love that. I always tell my kids, i was like, no, you can do it. We just need to learn and learn how to do it. But I love how you defining what really can't means. So I love that. I'm going to implement that from now on. But thank you so much for being our guest today. um and before we sign off here, what would you tell the mom that is listening today that feels maybe like she's behind, like maybe she hasn't been intentional enough about building her daughter's confidence? What would you tell her?
00:46:13
Speaker
It is never too late. It is absolutely never too late. i mean, have a five minute vulnerable conversation with them and let them know, i love you. i want what's best for you and how it like, ask them how you can serve them in order to, you know,
00:46:30
Speaker
help build them better depending on their age, of course. If they're older, they might be able to give you some ideas. And if they're younger, just start today and then you might fall and something will happen and then start again. But always have the intention of where am I going? And so that's that vision please piece. It's you know vision, discipline, vulnerability, and resilience. Those are the tools that you need in order to build this foundation of worth, esteem, and confidence. But vision has to come first. Where am I going? So sit down with a journal and and write down, you know, where would I love to take my daughter to as far as I want her equipped to with ah with esteem and confidence and and what that looks like for her specifically. And then.
00:47:16
Speaker
map out how you're going to get there, right? When we get in the car, there's a destination. Well, your destination is at the end of that 65, 70 and or ah the 25 years old, which is 91, 25, by the way. But the 91, 25, right? And so that's the that's the destination. Let's figure out how we are going to get there and do it together.
00:47:38
Speaker
Wow. has been amazing. just thank you so much, Nellie. If, um, our listeners are wanting to connect with you further, what's the best way for them to reach you? Absolutely. Um, my website is the best way just Nellie Harden.com. Um, that's N-E-L-L-I-E-H-A-R-D-E-N. dot com. I always get a Y in there, but it's I E. And, um, so yeah, you can go on there and then, uh, get connected with my um, emails. I would love to meet you in your, uh, inbox every week. And, uh, there's resources on there. I write articles every week as well, um, that you'll have first dibs on as, uh, in your email as well. So that would be the best place. And then all the socials are on there too.
00:48:20
Speaker
Okay, great. Thank you so much. This has been such an amazing conversation. Thank you so much for having me. Okay, ladies, I hope you're feeling as inspired as I am right now. So here's what I want you to remember. Raising confident daughters isn't about having all the answers or being the perfect mom. It's about being intentional with the moments we have. Your daughter is watching how you handle challenges, how you speak about yourself and how you show up in the world. She's learning what's possible for women by watching you build your dreams while loving your family well.
00:48:56
Speaker
The confidence you're building in her today through your words, your responses, your belief, that's going to ripple out into every room she enters for the rest of her life.
00:49:08
Speaker
That is legacy level impact that we're talking about. So if today's conversation resonated with you, please share it with another mom who needs to hear it. And remember, you're not just raising daughters. You're raising future leaders, future innovators, and future world changers.
00:49:29
Speaker
Until next time, keep leading, keep growing, and keep believing in what is possible.