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169. Embracing Life’s Duality: Love & Grief with Emily P. Bingham
111 Plays6 months ago
Emily P. Bingham is a certified grief educator, grief coach, widow, and founder of moveTHRU. After the loss of her husband in 2019 to Uveal Melanoma, she started moveTHRU to create new meaning out of her tragedy by helping others heal. Emily has worked with hundreds of clients in both private and coaching groups. Additionally, she has reached millions of followers through her social media content. Her goal is to help anyone who has experienced a loss embrace grief through movement and mindset. She holds a bachelor’s degree from the University of Denver and a master’s degree from Carnegie Mellon University. She lives with her newly blended family of six in Denver, Colorado.
Emily’s book, Love & Grief: Find Healing, Meaning, and Purpose in Life After Loss offers tools for embracing grief, managing it, and identifying coping strategies inside a practical, reassuring guide.
There is no right or wrong way to ride grief, but having gone through the process of grief herself after losing her husband at a young age, Emily’s writing provides an extra layer of comfort, inspiration, and solidarity. As a spiritual life coach and widow, Emily has amassed a social media following of over 35 thousand people, offering coaching, tips, and testimonials about her own grief journey.
https://www.movethrugrief.com/
https://www.instagram.com/emilypbingham/
More information abotu coaching with Kendra Rinaldi: https://www.kendrarinaldi.com/
To be a guest on the podcast:
https://www.griefgratitudeandthegrayinbetween.com/
Recommended
Transcript
Embracing Life's Dualities
00:00:00
Speaker
I just think that when hard things happen to you in life, it's like change the questions, right? What is happening here for me? And like try to hold that duality of like, yes, this is awful. This is hard. I don't want this to be here and allow yourself to feel that. But can you also not just fixate on like the door that is closing, but also the other ones that are opening because there is a duality
00:00:25
Speaker
that exists in life. And I think we really see that in these harder experiences. Hello and welcome to Grief, Gratitude, and the Gray in Between podcast.
00:00:43
Speaker
This podcast is about exploring the grief that occurs at different times in our lives in which we have had major changes and transitions that literally shake us to the core and make us experience grief.
00:01:00
Speaker
I created this podcast for people to feel a little less hopeless and alone in their own grief process as they hear the stories of others who have had similar journeys. I'm Kendra Rinaldi, your host. Now, let's dive right in to today's episode.
Podcast Introduction and Sponsor
00:01:22
Speaker
I have been asked by many people what I use to record my podcast. I have been using Zencaster since I launched my podcast in March 2020 and it has made it so simple for me to be able to interview my guests remotely as well as do some of my solo episodes.
00:01:41
Speaker
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Speaker
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Meet Emily P Bingham
00:02:38
Speaker
I'm chatting with Emily P Bingham today. She is a certified grief educator, grief coach, a widow, and the founder of Move Through. And she is also an author. Her book, Love and Grief, Finding Healing, Meaning, and Purpose in Life After Loss, is her newest or first book? First book, yes.
00:03:02
Speaker
Yes, first book. Yes, first book. Ever since I've had the podcast, I've been following your story on Instagram and your own journey since Ian's passing in 2019. And just your own transparency and your vulnerability on Instagram has been very admirable and reached out to so many and touched so many hearts. So thank you for that, Emily, and welcome to the podcast.
00:03:30
Speaker
Oh, thanks so much, Kendra. I love being here. It's an honor. I'm grateful that you're here. So I always start this way, just like in a regular casual conversation. Where do you live and where did you grow up? So I'm living in Denver, Colorado. We actually just moved to a neighborhood that is legitimately right next to the university where Ian and I met. So that's been a fun synchronicity. But I grew up in Durango, Colorado.
00:03:59
Speaker
So you're from Colorado? Yeah. And when you were married to Ian, you went back to, you were living in Hawaii when you guys, yes? Well, no. So we were actually, it was kind of, we were kind of all over the place. We were living in San Diego. Okay.
00:04:14
Speaker
when his cancer metastasized. And then we had to move to Colorado because I had two, I mean, one young kid and then I was pregnant with the other and we needed help because we were receiving treatment in Texas at MD Anderson because this cancer was so rare. And that's where we could get alternative therapies. And then we flew back to Hawaii, which is where Ian is originally from for his passing.
00:04:41
Speaker
Okay. So it was after his, so after he passed, that's where you spread, that's where you spread his ashes was that part. Okay. So you were not living there when he passed. You went back. Yeah. Okay. That part.
Writing About Grief
00:04:55
Speaker
And then from there, then you went back home after to, to Colorado. Yes. Okay. I came back home. I needed my family. So.
00:05:04
Speaker
Okay, that that part of like, oh, wait, I saw the part of Hawaii and then going back and I guess I lost got lost in the story. So the book is not only a memoir, but it's a toolbook. It is so well written and just has so many and it's beautiful and it's easy to read. You share like at the beginning of a chapter, you share a little bit about your life. Then you do the parts of sharing
00:05:31
Speaker
things like sometimes stigmas about grief or myths about grief or things that are out there as well as then your own research about grief because now you're a grief educator yourself and coach and you also then share reflections for the reader to be able to approach and do themselves. How was it for you writing this book and
00:05:58
Speaker
shedding or shedding more of your own life on the pages.
00:06:03
Speaker
Yeah, it was it was a definitely a journey. I mean, the way that I've gone about, that I went about writing the book, as well as creating any of my coaching programs, is I take my personal experience. So I kind of go back in my mind, and it was like, what were what was this obstacle that I had to overcome? And the first one was really like, how to cope with grief? Like, how do I deal with these really big emotions? So in the book, I kind of share about
00:06:32
Speaker
how I was feeling, what I was experiencing, everything I was moving through and what I did to support myself during that time. And so that could include anything like books that I read, quotes that inspired me, tools that I started to develop, right? So I think that stories are so powerful because people can feel seen in them. So I think through my social media content and also in my book,
00:06:56
Speaker
people can relate to the story and then they have the tangible tools then that also supported me in my own journey. And you
Anticipatory Grief
00:07:05
Speaker
know I try to present them as a buffet of options because grief is so unique for everyone. What worked for me might not be supportive for you and it also changes at different stages of the journey. I try to
00:07:18
Speaker
to kind of go back over the course of my grief journey from the early grief to the okay wow I'm starting to grow through this and what are how are the tools and the lessons and insights kind of changing there into like okay
00:07:33
Speaker
Who the heck am I now? And figuring out my identity, right? So the challenges continue to evolve and change as I did. And so, yeah, I think the book kind of weaves those two really like practical, applicable tools and insights and lessons alongside like the story, which is, it was a fun way of putting it all together.
00:07:57
Speaker
Yes, no, it's really good. And then I was asking you right before we started recording that I wanted to ask you regarding when Ian was sick and navigating grief even then because you were expecting a child and then that process and you said, oh, you know, I could get that part into the book because there's a certain limit. So I'm like, oh, well, now I want to know that part and let's share it with the audience. So when
00:08:20
Speaker
When Ian was diagnosed, was in 2017, was it two years of his process? Tell us a little bit about his journey.
00:08:29
Speaker
Yeah. So Ian was actually diagnosed when we were like 22, I think. He had a long diagnosis and ironically, we had been on a break since college. He was pursuing his career. I was pursuing mine. And then one day I got a call saying, Hey, I just found out that I have uleomalanoma, this like super rare cancer.
00:08:53
Speaker
And in a nutshell, that experience kind of brought us back together. We moved in together in Miami and he started receiving treatments for the, for the tumor then, but it was, we were young and we were like, oh, it's going to be fine. You know, like treat the tumor and we're good. And so we just kind of proceeded with life. We started our family and then you're right in 2017 is when it metastasized. And I would say that's really where my grief journey began and
00:09:21
Speaker
I would have loved to have put it in the book, but just in heaven of space. Anticipatory grief is a journey in itself. I really have a lot of compassion and empathy for people who have been dealing with diagnosis over multiple, multiple years.
00:09:43
Speaker
not just for the patient,
Living with Terminal Illness
00:09:44
Speaker
but also for the caretaker because you lose your person before they actually die. Ian definitely changed. He wasn't able to do the same things physically that he was able to do. And that included just, you know, playing with our kids, helping around the house and doing things that we used to enjoy together, right? You kind of lose like your best friend. Instead of being able to go to the beach together, we were going to the hospital.
00:10:09
Speaker
for scans and treatments and that would make him sick. So it's like, there's this massive loss of life as you knew it. And the way that I like to compare that, what I like to compare that to is during the pandemic, you know, we all lost that normalcy and that kind of gives you a taste for what it's like, how your life changes so much when you're with someone with a terminal illness. So you have the grief of the loss of normalcy, but then there's also the anticipatory grief
00:10:35
Speaker
where you're facing this imminent death. Like when someone's terminal, you know that their time is running out. And it's tricky because Ian didn't want to hear his prognosis. He didn't want to know how much time he had left. And, you know, you hear stories where people will say, oh, it's one month, and then they live another year or, you know, you have another year and you'll, and then they die in one month. So it's hard to know, but it really does feel like your
00:10:59
Speaker
kind of living in quicksand. There's no stable ground. You're just in this limbo. It's really hard to plan ahead. And I think the lesson there is how do we stay more present? How do we make the most of the time that we do have knowing that the only certainty is now? And that mindset really, really saved us.
00:11:22
Speaker
During that period of anticipatory grief and I think it's a lesson that I've carried into my life moving forward whenever I've had to navigate uncertainty and fear because our life is one big unknown. Let's face it like tomorrow isn't guaranteed.
00:11:39
Speaker
So by bringing awareness to the presence, focus to the presence, it's like, this is it. That's where
Life Decisions Amidst Illness
00:11:46
Speaker
we can find our power. Yes. And how did you choose as a couple then? Because you had Izzy already then at that moment when his metastasized and you were pregnant at that moment with Theo, or did you choose
00:12:02
Speaker
to get pregnant right before he started treatment. How was that process? And the knowing, again, like you said, that knowing that you had a big chance that you were going to be raising two kids on your own at that moment as your husband, navigating this uncertainty. How did you guys come to that decision as a family?
00:12:30
Speaker
Well, that's the thing when I married Ian knowing that he had cancer, but I don't know if it and I've. Reflected on this a lot and like, was it was I just in complete denial of the fact that bad things can happen to people or was I just so young and naive and like blindsided by.
00:12:48
Speaker
the love that I felt for him to marry someone with a terminal illness I guess at the time it was just an eye tumor and I thought he's going to be fine and it was it was stage one it wasn't terminal so we got married we had our first kid and then we were trying to get pregnant for the second time and so we did it intentionally but it wasn't until after I got
00:13:14
Speaker
After I got pregnant with our second that we found out that it was terminal that it had metastasized so You know, it's an interesting question. Would I have changed? My would I've changed anything had I known that it was terminal or not? I think there there
Growth Through Adversity
00:13:32
Speaker
were implications regarding pregnancy when what if you were on treatment or something, but
00:13:40
Speaker
Yeah, it's hard to play that. Well, it goes into that. Even one of the parts that you even mentioned in the podcast is should have versus could have. Is that right? So even in that is I could, I could have, I should have, I did even within your life, you could have, should have, could have, you know, but then.
00:14:03
Speaker
really like your life wouldn't look like it does now. And something you say right at the beginning of your book is that you are actually a better human being who you are now based on your experiences. So you actually do a statement that says, hold on, I mean, I wrote it down if I can, I am better for it. So let's talk about that. How had those experiences, because you had mentioned the beginning, you had not really
00:14:30
Speaker
experience hard things in your life before and as you said we were probably like oh that happens to other people that's an other people thing right and then all of a sudden it's like here you go not just cold water cold water with lots of ice on it and this and all this a big big bucket of
00:14:52
Speaker
water came down pouring on you with this life instance. So tell us how is it that you are better for it because of it? Yeah, it's so funny. I totally had the mindset of like, yeah, yeah, people I hear stories of people dying of cancer and be like, well, that's sucks for them. Like, like, I don't know. It just like didn't dawn on me that it and that it could happen. And I think that is one of the ways that I am better for it is compassion for others, you know,
00:15:22
Speaker
But I think in general, the way that I look at these knees on the ground moments, right? The moments that break you entirely open and shatter everything that you knew about the world to be true. I mean, that is what happened to me with Ian's death. Like I remember telling one of the doctors, you cannot let him die as if I had any control over, but any of us had control over the experience, right? So,
00:15:50
Speaker
I think what happens is you're broken open and as you begin to pick up the pieces right you grow and you expand and I have a chapter in there that talks about growth happens in the void right it happens in the space in between figuring out how to adapt from what is to what is I'm sorry to what was to what is.
00:16:11
Speaker
to what will be, right? So you're kind of forced to get a little more resource oriented, solution oriented. You're forced to learn new things, to take on new roles and responsibilities. And none of this is anything that we asked for, right? But in that process, we stretch and we grow, we become more resilient, we become more capable. And I think as you start to reflect on your growth, it's like, wow,
00:16:41
Speaker
How much more like how much more potential is there within me it's like there's this, I kind of feel like unstoppable in a weird twisted way. And, you know, I think it does really force you to question some of the old paradigms. I used to think that happiness was about the white picket fence, the family.
Parenting with Resilience
00:17:00
Speaker
my partner, you know, and having somewhat of like a stable job income and that whole paradigm was shattered. So really having to ask myself the hard questions about what matters to me? What is my truth? What is joy, happiness, success and fulfillment in life look like for me. And I absolutely believe that that process has made me a much better person.
00:17:27
Speaker
Yeah, and the part of the empathy, like you said, the growth, the part that now you yourself have experienced something, have now been able to also help your children navigate grief as well.
00:17:42
Speaker
Izzy was super little, and you were very open and frank. The words you used were straightforward as to what had happened to dad. And then her process as a three-year-old in that moment was just so beautiful and touching to see.
00:18:04
Speaker
And so your resilience as an adult going through this process, but seeing now that your children have a different upbringing, right? As with resilience, they now see differently than you did. Things do happen to people. So that's going to be an interesting dynamic to kind of, you know, as a journey, as a mom to navigate grief with them.
00:18:30
Speaker
Yeah, and I'm I don't sugarcoat it like I'm I'm I think one of the hardest
00:18:37
Speaker
parts of this experience was that I feel like I like lived in a bubble my entire life, right? Where bad things don't happen. And then when they did, it was like such a shock to my system. And I think it can put a lot of us in this like victim mindset of like, well, why me? Why did this horrible thing happen to me? Like bad things aren't supposed to happen in our life. And it's like, uh, wake up guys. Shit happens all the time. And,
00:19:04
Speaker
And I guess I just kind of want to raise my kids with that mentality. And I don't think it's going to traumatize them. I just don't feel the need to protect them from the realities of life. Let's normalize death. Let's normalize cancer and hardship and struggle and teach them, give them the skills to move through these experiences that are inevitable. I think they're just as valid as
00:19:30
Speaker
the joy and the happiness, right? Like it's all there for us. And if anything, they amplify those life moments. Yeah, that's one of the things I realized is that with grief, like I feel that it's as if it sharpens this lens in which we look through life. I remember when I've experienced grief very vivid in that moment that everything just looks so much
00:20:00
Speaker
Bright colors are brighter. Sounds are more like you're so much more aware and present. Yeah. When you're in the thick of grief, like you're right. It just amplifies all these other emotions. Yeah. And I think it's grief. It's the fact that we can lose like the idea that nothing is for granted. Right. I think we fall
Normalizing Grief and Death
00:20:20
Speaker
into this trap of complacency. And that I'm taking life for granted. And then when you see it as like, we don't know.
00:20:29
Speaker
I think we do tend to savor the moment a little bit more. I mean, I think about that in Ian's cancer journey. I think about it, you know, like it did, like you said, like the colors, like I feel like that time, it was horrible. And like we were living in full saturation. We took trips together, you know, just tasting food together, sitting on the deck and soaking in the sun, right? Like it makes me want to cry about it because it's so beautiful.
00:20:55
Speaker
But when we don't have the hard conversations and talk about.
00:21:00
Speaker
death, hardship, cancer, all these things, right? It's just kind of like living life in monotone, because that's all there is. Happiness doesn't feel as elated unless you have the gravity of grief or sadness to give it that range. Yeah, no, it gives that contrast. Now, you say something, and as we're talking about this in the book, we live in a grief adverse society. So in general,
00:21:30
Speaker
in a society in which we don't talk about grief. If we talk about even death itself, talking about our own mortality is so taboo in so many cultures. It's as if
Setting Boundaries in Grief
00:21:41
Speaker
you're calling it upon you when we know it's guaranteed that we're not going to be here forever, yet talking about it already is taboo. We do live in a culture in which
00:21:53
Speaker
seeing people sad, it was like, oh, but be happy. You know, like people want to cheer you up. So how was it then for you as you were in the thick of then the grief and the emotions with the people around you, how were you able to also set your boundaries? Cause you were your own grief coach first technically and saying to people, really, this is what I need. These are my boundaries. And you talk about this in the book of how to teach others to be an advocate for themselves and their grief. So share about yourself in that.
00:22:23
Speaker
Yeah, I love that. Yeah, this was the big first loss. I mean, I was like the only 32 year old, right? Not many 32 year olds lose their husbands. So in my friends group, I felt like it was kind of like the elephant in the room. Like no one really wanted to talk about it. It was like people would call me and be like, Hey, how are you? And I'd be like, you know, I'm doing okay.
00:22:47
Speaker
And then I'd be like, Oh, like you want to go get tacos or something? I don't know. It just, it just felt like so obvious that they didn't know how to approach the subject with me in many ways. And, and that can feel really hard. And I think in early grief, I just kind of distanced myself from a lot of people of my immediate friend group and really focused on connecting with other grievers who got it where I could feel seen. So I think
00:23:10
Speaker
You know connection community or two key pillars that I also highlight in the two of your C's from the six It can be really hard when you're like already just like, you know, so raw and open and to have that I also had to do a lot of Educating for myself first and foremost. So thank God we have like the internet and you can literally learn about Grief or pick or find a book or a podcast or something to educate Yourself about it. And so that's what I did and as I learned more about
00:23:40
Speaker
My feelings and that it was okay to feel this way was normal and the best way for me to move through this experience was to learn how to like, you know, I like to say that it's not grief. That's the problem. It's our relationship to it. So if you can learn to embrace grief and just not make your emotions right or wrong and just ride the waves as they come.
00:24:01
Speaker
that helped me a ton. And so then I had to communicate mainly to my parents. I think my mom got it more than my dad who comes up from a little bit more of the tough love. All right, suck it up. Let's go. Like life keeps moving. You're a single mom now and your kid's dad already died. So they need you. And I was like, uh, I'm sorry, but I am not capable of being a mom right now. Like, so I learned how to ask for help.
00:24:28
Speaker
from them. I had to learn how to set boundaries and say, yes, I want to be a good mom, but in order for me to do so, I also need a lot of space right now to feel what I need to feel, to go work out, to just sit by a lake in silence and have nobody touch me or talk to me. So part
Supporting Others in Grief
00:24:48
Speaker
of it was learning to get to know what I needed so that I could communicate it to them. And if there was pushback, I would literally say,
00:24:56
Speaker
I am sorry, but I do not have space for anything but unconditional love and support right now. If you cannot help me and respect this boundary, then I will find somebody else who can. And that was really hard to do, but I think I was just out of F's to give, for the lack of a better word. But is that the other chapter, the six F's?
00:25:20
Speaker
That's something that my client says all the time. She's like, I'm just, um, but it's something, I mean, that's part of our growth too, right? Is learning how to identify what we need and to go out there and actually get it and to communicate to other people who might not understand. And typically people do come around.
00:25:41
Speaker
And it's so true because even as someone that's experienced grief and that I am also a grief coach and things like that, the calling or wanting to approach someone that's in the moment of grieving, you kind of feel like you're walking on
00:25:56
Speaker
on broken glass. I'm like, okay, do I mention something? What if they're not in that space in that moment to want to share the asking that, how are you doing? It's like, no, it's like, how are you doing the second? Really? Like, cause it's not right and not a general question, but it's.
00:26:14
Speaker
It is hard even sometimes. You probably even see this yourself. It's because every grief experience is so unique to the individual. It's like you don't know even how to approach someone that's grieving in a way that may be beneficial or
00:26:34
Speaker
or appropriate for them as well. So sometimes even I feel like being completely honest, like I messaged someone that had a loss and I said, I wanted to check in how you guys were doing. If by chance me asking you how your grief is journey is too intrusive,
00:26:51
Speaker
Please tell me. If you don't want to talk about it, tell me. I won't ask. But I do want them to know that I've been thinking of them in that aspect, right? How do you feel it's the best way that you've noticed now as you're supporting someone else that you approach a conversation regarding grief? Someone else's grief journey.
00:27:13
Speaker
I think it never hurts to ask. I know I've had some friends who've experienced some recent losses and I think the acknowledgement is there and like you said, show them that you're thinking of them. Offer options. I think it's hard to say.
00:27:30
Speaker
When you tell a greever, oh, you know, anything you need, just let me know. They don't, they don't know. So if you can give options, like, you know, you want to, if you want a shoulder to cry on, I can pick up some groceries. Um, you know, two options, two options today. If you want to visit, I can come Wednesday or Tuesday morning night. Yeah. Or like, I mean, an early grief, like for me, it was, I loved it when people just showed up and just did it. It was like, take a chance, buy some groceries, leave them at the door.
00:28:00
Speaker
anything. But yeah, I think also telling a greever like,
00:28:06
Speaker
You don't have to respond. Just want you to know that I'm thinking of you. That permission, I think, is a really big piece that if people want to back out or not be talking about it, then that's a nice way to relate to a greever, I think. But it is really different for everyone. It is. Even if you send a little emoji with a heart. Even if you don't know what to say, just send them a little emoji. Honestly, Kendra, I get a little bit
00:28:36
Speaker
apprehensive when there's, there's a couple of, I, I've seen it and I probably read it written about it myself, but when we say like what not to say to a greeper, I'm like, let's not create more attention around like all the triggering things that people say, right? Because I do think that people are really genuinely trying their best to support.
00:28:58
Speaker
people. And it's also part of the job of the greever to see it within themselves that they're being activated too. And how
Public Grief and Criticism
00:29:09
Speaker
can we just let that go and let it melt away because trusting that most people are trying their best.
00:29:15
Speaker
And that's hard to do when you're in early grief. That's easy for me to say five years later. But I just tried to kind of in general, like just kind of let it go. Yeah, no, you're right. Because the thing is that there's sometimes not anything that you're going to say that might be right, because you do not know, you don't know how the person is going to be. So just the fact of showing up in itself is something one of one of the guests I had an author, Rabbi Steve Leader said that just the best way to support is
00:29:45
Speaker
You know, just show up and be you. Like, that's be you. Like, support in the way that you are. Like, who are you? And in that way, you support. Like, if I say, would you like me to cook? And I have no clue. I don't even know how to cook. Let's say I order in and out burgers for my kids every day. And all of a sudden, I'm offering to make you a casserole like it would be.
00:30:09
Speaker
That's not, by the way, that's not a reality. I'm just giving that a good example. It would not be true to who I am, right? So what is the best way that you as an individual can support someone else based on who you are? So yeah, just show up. Show up in whatever capacity that you can. And if you say something that pisses off the greever, it's probably bound to happen.
00:30:29
Speaker
but it's better than doing nothing. So now that we're talking about pissing off, let's talk about your Instagram and your vulnerability on Instagram. One, how much it actually touched so many people and your posts, people can relate to your grief, but also how do you navigate then the people that
00:30:50
Speaker
do not like to see grief displayed and how they react to your grief being put on display, per se. Yeah, I'd say the two most triggering topics that really seem to
00:31:07
Speaker
ignite a lot of the trigger people essentially are probably around dating and love after loss. That feels like a really hot topic that people don't seem to understand.
00:31:21
Speaker
Yeah, finding the good. Like I've said in some of my posts that my husband's death has been the worst thing that's happened to me and also the best because of all of the growth that I experienced. And, you know, it's what happened for me, my process when I get negative feedback, and it can be from
00:31:46
Speaker
a troll, which I usually just try to ignore because they're just trying to get under anyone's skin. But if it's like, I've had other widows come at me and tell me their point of view and I'm like, that's fair. I'm putting it out here to help people and it's clearly going to turn some heads. Part of my job is to also listen and get curious about what is my response. If I'm feeling activated by something that they're then saying, I'm like,
00:32:13
Speaker
I've been told that at times that I've exploited my husband's death by sharing our story. And so like, I'm like, all right, well, internal check, if this is triggering to me, then there's got to be some part of me that believes that this is true. Right. So then I start to really like look at my post, what I'm doing, how I'm talking about it.
00:32:32
Speaker
And I kind of give myself that gut check, you know, do I still feel in alignment with everything that I am sharing? And I just kind of say yes, or maybe there's a little bit of no, and I start to change. But and then I'll respond to them accordingly. But I have for a while, I really dimmed my light.
00:32:53
Speaker
because I felt like I was doing my grief wrong. I felt like I needed to play into this narrative of tragedy and suffering and my life is gonna suck forever. And I think the past two years I've really said, screw that, that's not me. This is my experience and it's okay if it's different from yours. And actually now it's on you.
00:33:17
Speaker
to see why my my what i am saying is is so triggering to you and it's likely because they can't find that that light that love within themselves but it's hard it's hard and it's a constant process but
00:33:32
Speaker
I am of the mindset that everything in life is there for us. So if I get a negative comment, I'm like, all right, well, I'm going to get curious about this. What is this teaching me? What is this showing me? Curiosity.
Power of Sharing Stories
00:33:43
Speaker
Yeah. And you talk about curiosity, getting curious and your grief a lot in your book as well. You have a curiosity versus what was the other curiosity? Oh, that's one of your C's, right? Yeah. Curiosity is one of your C's.
00:33:56
Speaker
You know the part of putting ourselves out there and like you said sharing your perspective and your journey Yes, there's going to be people that don't relate to that way But there's going to be a lot that do and maybe not even a lot maybe if it is one one again one but what that does to that of that one person is
00:34:16
Speaker
It is not one. If you see how many followers Emily has, you'll know it's not just one person that relates to her story, by the way. But that person and how that person feels seen in someone is like, oh, okay, so I shouldn't feel guilty that I feel
00:34:38
Speaker
like, you know, some sense of peace now that my loved one is resting finally in cancer is one of those things that it is having lost my mom from cancer as well. It's one of those things that makes you wish they were
00:34:55
Speaker
not living anymore because their pain is so hard. It does make you wish their death. It is very hard to say. It's hard even right now as I'm saying it because you do not want to see them suffer anymore, right? So for someone else to hear someone's perspective like yours,
00:35:16
Speaker
on Instagram in your book, it's going to relate to someone else's story. And that is so important. Like you said at the beginning of this conversation, stories are the ones that really do connect us. It connects to the humanity that we are and to other souls, because it's so easy to just, you know, just say all the good stuff and the fluff and what other people want to hear. But what about the things that people need to hear?
00:35:43
Speaker
And
Finding Peace and Acceptance
00:35:44
Speaker
I love that we have more people now sharing because it is giving, there is someone for everyone. Now that I've done the work on myself and I've really realized you're not for everyone and that's okay. And the courage to be unliked, that's important. But I'm on the light side of grief and I'm not gonna be for everyone. And there's plenty of other people that they can gravitate to.
00:36:13
Speaker
And I've accepted that about, you know. Well, you came to the right podcast titled grief, gratitude and the gray in between because there is, and sometimes it's like my handle is grief, gratitude. I'm like, I'm not, sometimes people are like, well, I'm not grateful, but yes, there is that gratefulness as well. Like you said of the aspect of having gone through grief, because I wouldn't be where I am today had I not experienced that either. So there, yeah, there's,
00:36:41
Speaker
There's yin and yang and lots of contrast. It's all a duality. It is. It is. There is a lot of that and it's beautiful. Now, would you share with us what your life looks like now? Because there's also that part of not only grieving
00:36:57
Speaker
the what life could have looked like the grief in the present of course that the person's going through you grieve then your past then you also grieve your future now you're right now it's future from from four years ago from when Ian passed four no five five years now five years five years gosh okay five years ago from when Ian passed what does your present look like right now Emily
00:37:23
Speaker
So in terms of grief, and I just wrote a post about this yesterday, I don't feel a lot of grief. I mean, and we always talk about there is no end to grief, and I'm starting to question, well, what if there was? Because I'm not actively grieving anymore. That's absolutely, but I do every now and then have a wave, but the waves don't feel like they used to.
00:37:47
Speaker
They feel like even like the week that my book got published, I was so emotional. I cried every day, but it wasn't like I was longing for Ian or missing him. Like I, I was in so much acceptance of the life that is. I just think that it was like, wow, so much beauty can come from something so awful. And it just brought about this wave of like, maybe it was gratitude. Maybe it was grief, but yeah, I don't,
00:38:13
Speaker
I think more often than not, I can still feel a lot of sadness these days. I think I feel sadness that Ian didn't get to live out the rest of his life, but I also trust that he's here in spirit in some capacity. And so I feel excited about the magic that exists there. And then I also, for my kids, I think it's still,
00:38:42
Speaker
I was going to say, do I still feel sad that their dad's not here, that they don't get to have that? It's kind of like a yes and a no, because I guess for them too, I'm in so much acceptance of the life that is, and I think that they're doing, they're flourishing, and we're developing that spiritual connection with their dad.
00:39:01
Speaker
you know i live with my partner david and his two kids are with us fifty fifty and there. My kids are getting along with his kids really well and of course not all the time right but they have a father figure and who's to say what is.
00:39:16
Speaker
the way that it's supposed to be. There is no supposed to be. Like, it all just is. And so, am I even consistent with that? Yes, of course it does make sense. What if this was supposed to be the end of the story and you didn't know, you know, we don't know. We write our own. Exactly. We write our own. And we can either fight with reality and create more suffering for ourselves or
00:39:43
Speaker
Embrace what is and sometimes that embrace takes time because we are having to let go of something that was really near and dear that we wanted. And we see that not just in death, we see it in job transitions, kids going out of the house, any type of disappointment.
00:40:01
Speaker
So yeah, right now I feel a lot of peace, acceptance, love, gratitude, and I'm human. I have my shitty days, right? The part that you're saying about the not knowing and living life, just in the present, having great, you know, being grateful for what is right now.
00:40:21
Speaker
is so important,
Move Through Program
00:40:22
Speaker
and you have expressed so many different aspects of your life in the book, but one thing I want to touch on before we close out is your move-through program. Let's talk about that because you were a spin instructor, you were a spin instructor, and you realized that movement was one of the ways in which you were really kind of pouring out your grief, and then that's kind of how move-through started. So tell us about move-through.
00:40:49
Speaker
Yeah, so right around six months after Ian died, I was like, what am I going to do with my life? I don't want to return back to my like nine to five job. I'm a solo mom. I can't even like, do that logistically. So yeah, I hired a coach, a goal coach. Her name is Jackie Carr. She comes and speaks in my coaching program. She's amazing.
00:41:10
Speaker
And I was like, all right, here's what's lighting me up right now exercise. It's been the way that I moved through grief. I love sharing my story about loss and I think I want to do something to help people. And we just kind of got together and strategize and. Move through was born and what that looked like in its infancy was.
00:41:31
Speaker
me inviting a group of Reavers into the spin studio, turning on some vibey music, maybe we were going to move through our sadness that day, or we were going to do anger, and I would create a playlist based off of that emotion. Is that all like heavy metal? Yeah!
00:41:50
Speaker
No one had to say anything, but what was so powerful is that you would just walk into that room and you would know. You felt so seen and supported just by being in the presence of other grievers who were moving through something similar.
00:42:05
Speaker
And yeah, it was it was beautiful. And I did those workouts for maybe only like four months because then the pandemic happened. And I was like, why? What? My God, universe, what are you doing to me right now? Another whammy there. Right. But then I took it all online. And then as I started sharing my story more and more, I was like, oh, people are really actually resonating with what I have to say. Maybe I can do more programs without the exercise, but also just based on
00:42:35
Speaker
Um, the lessons and other tools that I've been learning, but recently, synchronistically, I just started teaching spin again. Um, so I'm kind of going back to my roots and cause I miss the physicality of it. And yeah, that is so interesting that you started that now you're there. So five years later, again, now picking it up. Now, what does it look like now? And are you teaching spin better? You're not doing the move through in spin class anymore. Or do you still do some sessions?
00:43:02
Speaker
I'm not doing the move through in this live classes anymore. I have an online course that has like exercises, like grief-based exercise movements. So there's like an anger workout, a sadness workout, an anxiety workout, but they're not, they're not on a spin bike. They're just like weights or I think for the anger movement, like slam something on the ground and embody the emotion and move it through.
00:43:26
Speaker
That is. So that's still going on. Yeah. That's so cool. So how can people reach you then? So your website is what, what is your website? There will all be on the show notes down below, but still, can you please share how people can access this information? So, um, move through grief. That's M O V E T H R U. And then grief.com is my website. I'm also on social media, Instagram, Emily P Bingham, tick talk. I think I just changed my handle to Emily P Bingham to make them all the same.
00:43:56
Speaker
Um, I have a Facebook group where you can connect with other grievers under move through. And then my book, Love and Grief. Love and Grief. So how can people get your book? What are on your website or Amazon? It's on my website. It's also on my, yeah, if you go to my website, you can like enter in your paint, like the info and get a free video from me as well, where I just talk about the book and other messages of inspiration and hope.
00:44:20
Speaker
And then yeah, it's on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, any of those big book retailers. Is there something I
Conclusion and Farewell
00:44:26
Speaker
have not asked you that you want to make sure that the listeners hear about grief or about your journey or anything about it or gratitude? Yeah, yeah. I think there's so much I'd like to say. I just think that when hard things happen to you in life, it's like change the questions, right? What is happening here for me?
00:44:50
Speaker
And like try to hold that duality of like, yes, this is awful. This is hard. I don't want this to be here and allow yourself to feel that. But can you also not just fixate on like the door that is closing, but also the other ones that are opening. Cause there is a duality that exists in life. And I think we really see that in these, these harder experiences.
00:45:15
Speaker
Perfect. And just navigate, navigate the grief, the grief waves, but also navigate life in that way, in those waves too. And then just kind of go with it as well as what I could see from your life. You're just kind of writing. Just going flowing and moving through, moving through.
00:45:34
Speaker
Thank you for that reflection. Yes, you're moving through life. Yeah, you're moving through life. And that is what we do. So thank you, Emily. Again, this was Emily P. Bingham. And you make sure to get the book, Love and Grief, and read all her story. And again, there's so much in that book that we did not talk about, of course, here. Because we want, I'm sure, that you all go and get it. So thank you again, Emily. Thank you so much, Kendra.
00:46:08
Speaker
Thank you again so much for choosing to listen today. I hope that you can take away a few nuggets from today's episode that can bring you comfort in your times of grief. If so, it would mean so much to me if you would rate and comment on this episode. And if you feel inspired in some way to share it with someone who may need to hear this, please do so.
00:46:37
Speaker
Also, if you or someone you know has a story of grief and gratitude that should be shared so that others can be inspired as well, please reach out to me. And thanks once again for tuning into Grief Gratitude and the Gray in Between podcast. Have a beautiful day.