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135. Navigating Finances During Widowhood- with Donna Kendrick
69 Plays3 years ago
Donna Kendrick will never forget that “Omgosh, what just happened?!?!” moment when she discovered her husband Greg passed away suddenly in November 2013.
During her time of grieving Donna quickly realized that she had stepped into a new role overnight, one where she had to take control of her family’s finances in order to keep life consistent for her and her kids. Important family decisions came on real soon and real quick, and Donna had to figure out how to navigate this new season in her life, which meant finding the professional resources to help.
Donna has made it her life’s work to help other widows and widowers navigate their own financial decisions in the first days, weeks and months of widowhood... and the years to follow. She is the author of A Guide to Widowhood: Navigating the First Three Years (pub. Epic Author July 22) which is here to help through the first days, weeks and months of widowhood… and the years to follow. Donna is also the host of the Widow, Wisdom and Wealth ™ podcast, which aims to remove the intimidation out of financial planning, so families can handle any transitions that come their way.
Donna is an avid long-distance runner who turns her passion into an ability to raise funds for local causes such as Safe Harbor, a grief counseling program. In 2022 Donna married her husband Jim and between them, they have six children. Together with their Newfoundland and English bulldog, they enjoy living in the community of Springfield Township, Wyndmoor, PA.
Contact Donna Kendrick:
Website: https://www.widow-wisdom.com/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/widowandwisdom
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/widowandwisdom/
Contact Kendra Rinaldi:
https://www.griefgratitudeandthegrayinbetween.com
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Transcript
The Role of Financial Professionals
00:00:01
Speaker
Because there really needs to be a connection. You are working with your financial professional about some of the most intimate topics of your life. Your cash reserve, your income, the ability to send your kids to college, the ability to live independently on your own, your long-term care. Are you going to be dependent on your kids? Are you going to be in a state-run facility? How long will your money last? So you need to be able to trust and work well with this person, with their team,
00:00:27
Speaker
And I always say just meet in person. And if you feel pressure, if you feel talked down to, be careful.
Podcast Introduction: 'Grief, Gratitude, and the Gray in Between'
00:00:42
Speaker
Hello and welcome to Grief, Gratitude, and the Gray in Between podcast.
00:00:49
Speaker
This podcast is about exploring the grief that occurs at different times in our lives in which we have had major changes and transitions that literally shake us to the core and make us experience grief.
00:01:06
Speaker
I created this podcast for people to feel a little less hopeless and alone in their own grief process as they hear the stories of others who have had similar journeys. I'm Kendra Rinaldi, your host. Now, let's dive right in to today's episode.
Guest Introduction: Donna Kendrick
00:01:28
Speaker
on today's podcast, we have Donna Kendrick. Donna is the author of A Guide to Widow Hood, Navigating the First Three Years. And I've been able to read some of her book and I'm excited to have her on. So welcome, Donna. Thank you so much for having me. It is a pleasure to be here. I can't wait to have a conversation.
00:01:53
Speaker
Yes. And there are so many other things that you are as well. Of course, I just mentioned the part that you're an author because that's the main reason that your contacts reached out to have you on the podcast was to talk about your book and your story. But there are a lot of other things you have. You have your own podcast as well. I do. I have my own podcast. It is called Widow Wisdom and Wealth. And that comes out about two times a month. I'm also a financial planner and I'm also a mommy and a mommy to a blended family.
00:02:23
Speaker
So under our family umbrella, we have six kids and it's just lovely. It's lovely. It's a good life. It's busy. And of course it's been quite the journey of where it started.
Donna and Greg's Life Journey
00:02:36
Speaker
You met your first husband, your late husband, Greg. What year did you meet? When did you get? Oh, I was 22. So 1995. Is that where that puts it?
00:02:49
Speaker
Yeah, I think it does. 1995. Wow. I'm dating myself. You guys were kids and you're both children of people that are serving. Your father was a firefighter or is a firefighter? Okay.
00:03:03
Speaker
Yeah, my dad was a firefighter in Philadelphia and my late husband's dad was a cop, a Philadelphia police officer. And we always make the joke that it was pretty good to keep it in the credit union. So, meaning that we had police and fire Philadelphia credit union. We kind of met on a blind date. Not that I couldn't get a date, but we met on a blind date and then we were just off and running.
00:03:26
Speaker
and got married in the year 2000. Again, we always joke that way my guy could always do the math of making sure that he knew what our anniversary was because it was quick and easy 2011, 11 years.
00:03:40
Speaker
So for you, it was, you're the financial, so you're the numbers person. And so doing the math was not his. So he was into federal enforcement. Is that correct? He was a federal enforcement officer? He was. So he worked for Homeland Security. And we had the privilege of
00:03:57
Speaker
pretty much living, it felt like a US military life. So we moved schools and places almost every two years. And we're lucky enough to live abroad. We lived in Rome for a good five-year stint, kind of went back and forth a few times, had two kids, came back to America at the third, went back to Rome. So that's kind of how it worked. And then came back stateside in 2011. So it was a wonderful opportunity to show our kids
00:04:23
Speaker
the world, right? We didn't have that as children of Philadelphia police and firefighters. There wasn't the ability to do that or the savings. So that was a once in a lifetime we felt opportunity to show them Europe and how other cultures live. How was it for you guys navigating that change too? Because I feel that grief also comes in those transitions
00:04:48
Speaker
in life, like big transitions like moves, you're moving to a different culture, different language. How was it for you guys navigating even that change and also helping your kids as you're living in different countries and especially with language? It's a big cultural change there.
00:05:05
Speaker
No, 100%. I'm so glad you bring that up. And even in my financial planning practice, I say I help families in transition.
Transitions and Identity Changes
00:05:11
Speaker
So widowhood, divorce, career change, and blended families because myself, when Greg and I made the decision to follow his career and move abroad, we were both
00:05:20
Speaker
Young urban professionals we call it so we were both educated we both had good careers and one of us was going to give up their career and the other person was going to go follow their dreams. And we decided to follow his and i gave up my career and so that was a little bit of a barrier so we moved to a new country to new language it's a new lifestyle the way you live in rome is a little bit different than suburban philadelphia.
00:05:43
Speaker
Um, and I gave up some of my identity, right? I wasn't working 40 hours a week. I didn't feel stimulated in my brain for a lot of it. I was a full-time mommy, which was a big part of what I always wanted to be. But that's also a change in identity as well. When we become moms, that's a huge one too.
00:06:00
Speaker
big one right and navigating like how to get them to play with others with a different language right at the playground um so i it's life lessons i appreciate now don't know if i appreciate them so much in the beginning
00:06:14
Speaker
But I definitely have an appreciation for them now, and I think my kids do too. They are empathetic. They are not scared of change. I think they are going to be world travelers, but I'm very happy to be home. So I don't know if I'll be visiting them abroad, but we'll see. We'll see.
00:06:32
Speaker
You'd rather just now stay put after having lived those first years of married life abroad? Is that more of your personality now? Definitely. Definitely.
00:06:48
Speaker
feel safer to kind of
Community Support and Grief
00:06:50
Speaker
stay put based on also what you've lived. Is it more of that aspect of kind of feeling like at home? Is it an emotional component to it too? I think that definitely without a doubt. Like you say, so we moved abroad. We kind of gave up our connection with a close family. My late husband Greg and I were so lucky because we had family that all lived within 10 minutes of one another. And our social life was very much our family and our friends for 20 years.
00:07:18
Speaker
So then to go to abroad, have to kind of recreate your social life as well as that feeling of family with pretty much strangers moving forward. Were we able to do it? Yes, we were. And are they friends that I have for life? Yep, definitely are. And thank goodness for Facebook. That's how we keep in touch. That's how we share pictures with one another.
00:07:38
Speaker
But I will say it was, I think when I came back to America, I was just so happy. And then when we had the loss of Greg, and I know we'll be sharing that story, the community and the support that we had, I was just always so grateful. And I think I'm just so scared to be without them. I'll be honest. That's what actually came to mind when you were saying that is had you guys not been where you were, you would have not had
00:08:04
Speaker
all these people that came to your aid and support in the moment that Greg died. And so if you had been in Rome in that moment, it would have been a very different scenario than it was, I'm not saying it would have been, I mean, sure, people, that happens to a lot of people, right? That they don't have a circle of family or friends close by when their loved one dies.
00:08:28
Speaker
Yeah, and that's part of the story. So we moved back stateside 2011, and then Greg got positioned back towards the Philadelphia office. So we actually moved back very close to our own hometown. I moved into, with Greg and the kids, the school district and the township that my sister had lived in for 13 years. I was like, hey,
00:08:49
Speaker
Like when we moved back stateside, I'm like, do you like your school? Do you like your friends? I'm going to come move into your neighborhood and take them both. How about that? So it was fun though. But we had actually moved into our home right outside of Philadelphia only about two or three months before Greg passed.
00:09:04
Speaker
So when he actually passed, my kids were new to the school. We moved at the end of summer. He passed in November. So not only were my kids getting used to a new school system, we had close support of family and friends around us again where we hadn't had it for probably about nine years.
00:09:21
Speaker
So that felt wonderful, but the community itself, the neighborhood I lived in, the support that poured out to the kids and I was unbelievable. Once again, virtual strangers who took us in as just part of their community, rallied around us, did kind things from taking my kids to baseball practice, to helping me rake the leaves, to taking
00:09:43
Speaker
the trash out to leaving meals for us. The kindness of their hearts is what carried us for that first year. And my practice now is within that district. I'm raising my kids in the district. And yeah, I wouldn't leave. I think it's wonderful the community that we've grown into. Yeah, it's home. Yeah, it's home. It's that family that you've created. So let's go into the
Navigating Grief and New Beginnings
00:10:08
Speaker
circumstances of Greg's death since it is
00:10:12
Speaker
important to the story and you mentioned it in your book. Yeah, if you don't mind just going into a little bit, just touching on them, you don't have to go into the details.
00:10:26
Speaker
No, so yeah, um, so over time, um, my grade kid actually struggled with some mental illness, up and down some depression back when we were younger, even before we got married. And he went to counseling and it was just kind of like stress anxiety, kind of that's how it was diagnosed and treated outpatient. And we really didn't see many, some signs of it again for the whole time we lived in Rome.
00:10:50
Speaker
And then we came back stateside, and he had a very challenging job, and the hours were very challenging, and we saw the Depression creep back in. And so we actually moved closer to home, closer to Philadelphia for that very reason. He took a downgrade at his job, so it wouldn't be as much stress, and he was home for dinner every night, and it was wonderful. And I thought, OK, we did what we had to do. We pulled back the finances, right? We lived very lean. We got a smaller house.
00:11:19
Speaker
He pulled back on his hours at work and we were on the right path and then he did ultimately take his life. I think it was just creeping back in and he was scared of it. And it took a little bit of time. It took a little bit of time to
00:11:48
Speaker
let go of the plans and the future and the relationship. Thank you, Donna. I know it is
00:12:14
Speaker
It's always hard at times to, you never know when it's gonna creep up in the emotions and when sharing something. Isn't it interesting how you might have said exactly the same story at another moment in time and maybe
00:12:27
Speaker
Tears might have not come out and in other moments it is and I really commend you and I'm grateful for you for your vulnerability and for sharing because this also just gives the listeners that perspective of there's really not time in grief. You're happily married with a blended family now and yet those emotions are still there and that's okay. They can live in that same space, right?
00:12:54
Speaker
I remember listening to your very first podcast and you were like, you bump into it, right? Like it creeps up on you sometimes and we're nine years out and like you shared wonderful, wonderful life, right? And so lucky for it. And I'm allowed to walk with the grief and respect it exactly where we are. And so if we actually go back to right after we lost Greg, I think I moved straight into the, um, don't deal with grief on my own, get my kids through this.
00:13:27
Speaker
model that it's okay, model that I'm okay, so that they will be okay, which we could actually, now that we look back on it, translated as stuff it deep down and don't deal with it. So I know I write a book about navigating widowhood and being respectful of the grief, and it's really from the lessons I learned looking back nine years later. I don't think I actually started digesting that grief until year two. I did all the actions. I was a problem solver and
00:13:44
Speaker
I was very much a believer in the
00:13:56
Speaker
I tried to get organized and I wanted everyone around me to see that I was quote unquote, okay. And that I was strong cause I didn't want them to worry. I knew that Greg's family after having us abroad for so long had just gotten us back and then he got ripped away. So like, Oh, like I'm going to be strong so that they can have time with their grief. We all make different decisions and not our right. We're not wrong, right? We just move forward.
00:14:22
Speaker
how you're putting that is such a perspective that a lot of mothers actually have. We tend to sometimes put ourselves and our own emotions and our own needs in the back burner in order to be able to focus on the emotions and the needs of our children, of our spouse, of the other family. And you did that within your grief journey as well. You were thinking of
00:14:47
Speaker
the grief of your in-laws, the grief of your kids, and respecting that and not really being able to feel your own and being the strong one for everybody else. Yeah, and it's true. So right after
00:15:03
Speaker
Greg Pass, we reached out to a local organization called Safe Harbor, and it's like a nonprofit run through a local church here, I'm sorry, a local hospital here in Philadelphia. And it provides caregiving for kids that have lost a parent or a caregiver. And so the kids over the school year, twice a month, every other week, will go to age-specific and law-specific groups and learn things like how to tell another schoolmate that your dad died.
00:15:31
Speaker
how to the void of the question of how he died if you're not comfortable with it. It's only been in the last year that I've even publicly gone out to say, Greg took his life. I used to just say he passed away suddenly. One, because it's an uncomfortable job. It's true, but it's still true. But it's still true when you said you just didn't go into further and the kids didn't know
00:15:51
Speaker
They were ages, what, when Greg died? Well, my kids were eight, 11, and 12. And 12. So they do know that he took his life. Yes. Yes. They always know that. They knew at that age as well. Yes, they did. Yes. Okay. Okay. So they did know that. But with that group, that safe harbor group, it was wonderful because the kids just grew in their own strength. And over two years, it's called Rocking Out.
00:16:13
Speaker
Now, while the kids are in the classroom, the parents meet together as a group, and they meet together to learn about what the kids are learning and how to implement it at home for the next two weeks. So they were actually teaching us how to be parents in our grief alongside of our kids. Like, it was an amazing program. And I remember when the kids, quote unquote, rocked out and they're like, hey, we're good. We've got this, right? Resilient little buggers, I call them.
00:16:35
Speaker
I remember being like, but what about me? Like, wait a second. Like, I just started exploring that grief two to three years later. So yes, you go into some independent counseling, you talk it through, you find a widow's group, you find your support. I remember joining in the U.S., it was called like The Meetup, right? It was called Modern Widows Club, and I still follow them on social media now. What a wonderful group.
00:16:59
Speaker
What a wonderful group of ladies to just give you space and time and respect for the process. So always thankful for those resources that are out there. And I always encourage families in transition to share their resources with one another, because that's really how we get stronger.
00:17:15
Speaker
Absolutely. It's that aspect of community too, right? To know that you're in a group of other people that really can relate to what you're going through because they've walked similar paths. Nobody can actually know what you experience, right? But it can relate to that.
00:17:35
Speaker
Yeah, so it's so valuable and just what you've done with the book now also creating this other resource than for others to have is invaluable as
Donna's Path to Financial Planning
00:17:46
Speaker
well. So thank you for doing that. As I was going to, even though you wrote it thinking of widowhood, it is really a book that anybody should have even
00:17:58
Speaker
if you're not married, if you're a child of parents that are still living so that you're prepared. I was telling you before we started recording that if we would have had this even as kids, when my mom died, to be able to then help my dad with all the different steps that had to take place, it is an amazing resource, an amazing resource. So let's go into that journey of when did you start feeling like, wait,
00:18:28
Speaker
Let all these things I've done are actually something I can now use to give back and that you started to compile this information. Yeah, definitely. So I was only working part time when Greg passed because we had just moved to the area and I was working part time in the kids school. And so after he passed, I stayed in that position for a few years. And that way I was able to maybe the kids schedule be available for them.
00:18:56
Speaker
and make sure they were okay on their journey moving forward. But I knew, I knew we had lost Greg's income, right? And I knew we had lost his long-term goals of retirement savings, right? Like take the emotion out, like these are the numbers and these are the realities. And I only had a small window that I would be able to stay working part-time.
00:19:15
Speaker
Um, and so after year two, I knew I had to make a career change and I really did some soul searching of being like, okay, what do I really want for myself now? Like if I'm going to do this, I'm going to do it well. Um, and I've shared before that whole thing of like, when you have lemons, make some lemonade. I was like, well, that's it. And I ran back and thought to myself over the last two years, what was most impactful for me? And that was truly the guidance and the support of my financial advisor and found a financial advisor.
00:19:41
Speaker
Right after Greg passed, we had had one previously, but I was able to push my tote bag of things and policies over to my financial advisor and be like, do something with it. I'm going to go raise my kids. But he helped me with everything from decisions to stay in my house or to move to a new one. It was emotional for our kids because Greg had taken his life in the house. So two years later with that strength of safe harbor, they were like, we want to move.
00:20:06
Speaker
how fast you put a sale sign up when the mom hears that or like, okay, we're out. But thank goodness I had the guidance of that financial advisor. And so I actually went to him and said, I want to do for families and transitions for people in widowhood what you did for me. How do I do it?
00:20:22
Speaker
And we sat over a coffee and he pointed my educational plan out to me. He showed me what state and federal test I needed. And he's like, it's going to be a long path. Like it's going to be a long journey. And I was in, so we backed into my finances.
00:20:38
Speaker
I knew how long I could support myself and my kids while going to school, and then mentored under him, wound up becoming a CFP, Certified Financial Planner, and was able to ultimately open my own practice, really having a niche of helping families in transition, financial guidance for widows, divorcees, people that have changed careers, blended families, which I'm proud to say I'm now in the middle of. But then COVID hit.
00:21:08
Speaker
And I was like, Oh, well, how do I reach people? It was the biggest blessing ever because we used to as financial advisors only be able to help people in the States. We were licensed and here comes zoom and we can reach so many other people and we can get licensed.
00:21:23
Speaker
pretty quickly in other states. So now here comes your wider net. And then I was like, well, this is amazing. Now, how do I get the message out there that we need very special financial advice, love and hugs as widows and families in transition? Like, let's bring love into financial planning. How do we do that? And that's where the idea for the book came. That's where the idea for the podcast came, because I can touch more people and I can spread the message.
00:21:48
Speaker
Find a financial advisor that fits for you. Don't be scared to ask questions. Have them walking alongside of you. Hold their hand. That's the podcast, and the book came because I did. We should have named the book, like, don't wait for widowhood. Like, read it now, right? Be prepared now. And that came out in June, and I am just over the moon happy.
00:22:10
Speaker
because I feel like the resource is there. Everyone doesn't have to wait for Uncle Bobby at Thanksgiving table to give them great financial advice. They know the good steps. There's checklists. There's interview questions. Find the person that works for you because these decisions will make you feel strong, independent.
00:22:29
Speaker
They will help you guide yourself and guide your family. Let's go back to year one. All I wanted to do was show my kids that I was okay, that I was strong and they could be there too. They really didn't learn that until probably about five years ago when they saw me stand up on my feet.
00:22:45
Speaker
recreate my career, and now start spreading this message, going out and speaking to groups of ladies. Be like, you can do it. Let's just break this down. Let's talk about your budget. Get control of it. One thing, one action that makes you feel better today. What a blessing. That is a book that is a podcast that is available. It's free.
00:23:07
Speaker
The podcast is just listening. It's awesome. No, it is so helpful. And as you were talking, I was writing here, what is the way of finding a trust with the advisor? Because I think that finding a trust with the financial advisor, something that you can relate, would be not much different than that search of finding the right therapist.
00:23:29
Speaker
So I know you then have the guidance, but for someone that is in that process, because it can be scary to be able to be completely open to someone you don't know about the reality of your situation. And I know you mentioned in the book
00:23:54
Speaker
how you did have, your sister was there with you when you were meeting with your, was it right? Your sister was my person. So that that way, anything that maybe you couldn't retain because of all the grief brain, that she could kind of be able to do. So talk about that, of having people on your corner that you trust in this process.
00:24:22
Speaker
Yeah, 100%, I think one of the most important things for all widows, widowers, even the post-divorcees, because you are making some big decisions in grief.
00:24:33
Speaker
you are, is to have a trusted soul, one or two, and to have them be there, right, to witness some of these meetings, to take notes. As one of my roles working with my widows and widowers is I go to these meetings with them for their estate planner, for their will health care directive, with their accountant to be another listening ear, simply to take notes, not to get involved. Because sometimes you don't always want to turn to a friend or a family member because of privacy.
00:25:01
Speaker
That's a big part of it. But I always say have someone and have them do a lot of the legwork for you. I can call some financial advisor's office and talk to their administrative assistant and get some of the major questions answered. Are you a CFP? Do you do financial planning? Is there an asset minimum to be part of your practice? That is a checklist buster. You're not doing it as a widower or someone in grief. You have someone else doing it for you.
00:25:29
Speaker
Lean on the people you trust and then sit down at the dining room table sit down at a barbecue and go through that list How far away are it is the advisor or is it a team approach? Is it one-on-one? Is it a huge corporate thing? Is there an asset minimum and you will start to why say like drill drill down? We doubt to read out the word. Thank you
00:25:51
Speaker
read out the ones that don't work, that, oh, okay, well, there's a financial, that's out. Oh, it's 20 miles away. I don't have time to go there and back and forth between picking up the kids out, right? Unless it's Zoom, unless it's online. And you know what? When I lost Greg, it really didn't exist, right? So I remember asking my financial player, like, are you okay talking to me on the phone while I'm at a baseball practice? Will that be distracting to you? He's like,
00:26:16
Speaker
Well, not me, how about you? I was like, oh yeah, it will be. Let's not do that. But it was fun. But you know what? And then meet them in person because there really needs to be a connection. You are working with your financial professional about some of the most intimate topics of your life, your cash reserve, your income, the ability to send your kids to college, the ability to live independently on your own, your long-term care, or you're going to be dependent on your kids.
00:26:43
Speaker
you going to be in a state-run facility? How long will your money last? So you need to be able to trust and work well with this person, with their team, and I always say just meet in person. And if you feel pressure, if you feel talked down to, be careful, right? It might not be that
00:27:04
Speaker
the intention was there. Maybe our grief radar was up. Maybe our grief fog brain was up. I used to carry a box of tissues with me and my sister-in-law who'd go with me knew it was going to be one of those days. She's like, oh, there's a box of tissues coming in. I'm like, it is? Let's go. And so take your time with the decision. There are some decisions that have to be made immediately, right? You have to contact Social Security.
00:27:27
Speaker
Sometimes you have to access life insurance that you have funds that are available As well as benefits maybe from your spouse's employee or employer Things that you have the action to be able to make ends meet right and then there's some decisions that you can put off You don't need them right now. You can wait a little while. They're the transitional decisions that you can make
00:27:46
Speaker
Stay in the house or move right? That doesn't have to be your your one or two, but there's also tax consequences So get the resources that you need get the professionals in place for the places in life Where you feel like you don't want to do it can't do it Have to do it, but don't want to like it like that's it I had a background in finance and I did not want to run my own financial plan
Financial Planning After Loss
00:28:09
Speaker
I didn't even know if I was capable of having a financial plan. I knew I had to go back to work. Who's going to take me on, end quote. I remember thinking that in my head. So have those talks, and then there's some decisions that are long term. Make sure that you're a financial advisor. They'll probably have the plan for the next 20 years in the back of their head the first time they sit with you. There's going to be nuances to it, but they're professionals. They pretty much probably had that figured out.
00:28:37
Speaker
but you don't need to know all of that at the time. You're just looking for the need to right now goals.
00:28:44
Speaker
It's the, what can I do next? What's next? What's the next step? It's like just my steps. Something you mentioned was the cost of burial. Can you touch on that? Because as you're talking about finances, I'm thinking that is something that in general, someone should be able to have handy because you have to pay or kind of be able to access
00:29:08
Speaker
in order to pay those burial costs, because even if someone has life insurance, that may not hit till a little later. You may not be able to use that. That's an immediate expense in that moment. That's something that is the now.
00:29:23
Speaker
Would you touch on that or if you want to do it by your own story or what? Yeah, I'll share a little bit of my own story. So Greg and I had just moved to the area. And so we actually had two houses, right? One for sale up in the Lehigh Valley of Pennsylvania while we moved to Philadelphia. And so we had used all of our free cash for the down payment on the second house.
00:29:42
Speaker
while we waited for the first one to sell. We knew in the end we'd be whole and flush, but it was trying to balance that move to get the kids into the school district at the right time. And then Greg passed. I didn't have more than maybe $400 sitting in my checking and savings account because we had used all our cash reserves.
00:30:01
Speaker
So I actually had to put my life insurance policy up against the cost of his funeral. So then that was organized through the funeral parlor or services that were helping us.
00:30:18
Speaker
Yeah, the funeral home. Thank you. They actually and I can't even say I did it because my in-laws actually planned the whole funeral, right? I was just like, yes or no. I didn't have to lift a finger. I don't know if I was capable of it. So that would be my first one. Know who's going to help you plan it. I was incapable of making those decisions. And I was lucky that I had a family extended family that was helping me do it. But we actually use life insurance so that when the life insurance came through, the funeral home got paid first.
00:30:47
Speaker
And then we got paid for the difference. So you can often do that. I highly encourage when we go sitting with our widows and widowers, um, because most you're alone then, right? You're a sole parent, you're single to make sure you make those decisions, to have your state documents put together, prepay for your funeral if you can.
00:31:05
Speaker
Many of times you can either get a life insurance policy that would pay straight out for your funeral costs. You could prepay at the funeral parlor if you know exactly where you want to be buried and pick out even your casket at the time. And so it's all set. Your wishes are known. Those are the types of situations we bump into. I've heard many widows that say I put it on a credit card and figured I would just figure it out.
00:31:30
Speaker
Sometimes you have family members who are willing to help. Those are all those decisions that are being made while you're in grief that are really hard. So if you can make those decisions ahead of time and to our couples that are listening out there in the car together to this amazing podcast, please have the conversation.
00:31:48
Speaker
Make sure you both know what one another one because often there's desires of extended family and your desires a couple and your desires a person is different. So if you haven't written down and it's expressly.
00:32:02
Speaker
written and shared, then there we go. For many of my widows, probably about four years ago, we did, it was in my living room, I think, with a fireplace and hot chocolate. We did plan your own fun funeral. And we took those parts of our personality that we're putting in the funeral. We wrote it all out. We hired somebody to come in and run it. She showed up with cookies that were in the shape of coffins, like you had to make a joke about it.
00:32:25
Speaker
And that purple folder is in my estate documents. I can guarantee if I pass, my kids will run to my will and pull out the purple folder because they want to see what I was going to do with my funeral.
00:32:37
Speaker
Oh, now I'm curious about Donna Kendrick's fun funeral. It has a kibasi truck. That's all I can say. It's a kibasi. What's a kibasi? Oh, Polish families. They eat pierogi and kibasi. Oh, kibasi. And here in Philadelphia, food trucks are big. And I actually saw a kibasi truck go past me on the boulevard, we call it, when the main strips through Philadelphia. And I was like, oh, that's happening.
00:33:02
Speaker
Just have them have the Kavasi truck pull you, you know, pull the trailer or be in the parade as they're going to the procession. Yeah, the procession. Those are the things you have to talk about. We actually had the honor guard at Greg's funeral. And I don't know how we got them there to this day. I didn't even know it was a benefit of his. But yeah, we had the honor guard.
00:33:30
Speaker
What an amazing opportunity for my kids, for the respect of what their dad did. Amazing. But I do, I highly encourage everyone to pre-plan their funeral, to prepay their funeral, or communicate to those you love how you're going to pay for it.
00:33:48
Speaker
Is there a small account put on the side, right? And make sure that that person you want to help with the decisions, the executor, or maybe your best friend, if it's one small bank account with $10,000 in it, that's not small, but one account with $10,000 in it, make sure they're a joint owner on it so you have access to it.
00:34:05
Speaker
You do jump through a lot of hoops with all these kinds of things of being able to access bank accounts and those kinds of things if your name is not on it when someone dies. That's something that's hard. So that's a good idea of actually having somebody have access to it. Make sure someone you trust because they have access to it.
00:34:30
Speaker
Then you're like, wow, that's a nice car you're driving. Exactly, right? Outside, out of mind. Did you and Greg ever have the conversation about your own mortalities while you guys were married? No, we were lucky because with the line of work that he was in and law enforcement, it was very early on that we got our will, our healthcare directive and our power of attorney pulled together.
00:34:57
Speaker
He traveled for a big portion of our dating as well as our early marriage. Up until we got to Rome, he traveled very, very often internationally. And so the discussion was there, right? The what if. We made sure that we had a financial planner or advisor early for life insurance because we knew with him traveling, the risk goes up.
00:35:21
Speaker
And so very early on in our relationship, we had life insurance in place to pretty much cover education for the kids, maybe the mortgage at the time, and a few years of lost income for one another. And that's how we actually, back in our 20s, decided how much we have in a policy. Fast forward to 2013, where Greg passed.
00:35:40
Speaker
It was that life insurance policy back at our very first home before we even started traveling abroad that protected the kids and I. That is why my kids are in college right now. That is why I was able to keep my health. Those, that was a relief to me and widowhood. So I could go and figure out the health insurance and the ability to recreate my career. And are we going to stay in this neighborhood and deal with the grief? I was a lucky one.
00:36:07
Speaker
I was so lucky because Greg and I had those conversations early. And it really was based on the fact that the type of career he had made you know that it was one that could risk his life per se, right? And his travels and stuff. So it made you have, but this is something we all should have that type of
00:36:27
Speaker
conversation. It's something that is, as you were talking about the finances and talking about finances, I feel like talking about death, talking about grief.
00:36:38
Speaker
Talk about finances could all be put in the same category as taboos. 100%. Don't bring it up as a Thanksgiving table. Oh, please do not. Yeah, you're there. And it is such, you know what? Because having that talk about, well, if I pass, what would you do? It's so much talking about your own mortality, which is uncomfortable for many of us, but it really is an expression of your value system.
00:37:04
Speaker
I never heard Greg say, if I die, don't you ever get married again. Stay a spinster, I'm the one and only. He never said that. I knew he wanted me to have love. I knew he wanted my kids to have a father figure. He was a great dad. Why would he be limited to that? That being said, my extended family through
00:37:24
Speaker
Greg's brothers and sisters. He was the youngest of five. We are still really engaged in one another's lives. They welcomed my new husband. They were at our wedding. It's just a wonderful experience. And I think if Greg and I wouldn't have had those conversations early, maybe I would have shied away from it more. Maybe I would have. So it's important. But yeah, people avoid it. Nobody wants to talk about that.
00:37:51
Speaker
So I do always say to, in my financial professional practice, there's three things we're going to talk about. This is like on a 10 minute phone call, right? I talk about the people that make the phone call to the financial planner so that the widower or widower doesn't have to. It's like, there's going to be three things we're talking about. They're not comfortable with it. I'm not the financial planner for you. The first one is the importance of planning. The second one is life insurance and the why. And the third one is your state documents. Now I'm not an attorney. I can't produce a state documents.
00:38:20
Speaker
But it is so important to me that that will the healthcare directive and the power of attorney be in their pocket, their back pocket, because if they have young kids, that's guardianship for them. If they're a young couple, that's that value conversation. They will make better decisions in life, in my opinion, if they have those documents done and tucked away in a fire safe box or bag. Did everyone hear that? Everybody should have a fire safe box or bag in their house.
00:38:45
Speaker
Put in your will, your health care directive, put in your social security cards, your birth certificates, your passports, anything that you think would be difficult to replace should there be a fire or flood. In your bag, carry it with you, hide it well.
00:38:59
Speaker
Oh, you know, I am adding that because I do not have a fire safe. I'm adding that. Yes. Thank you. You're on your holiday list. I have it right now here in my notes. Now, let's fast forward and talk about your present life and Jim and how that was for you, this transition of loving again and now having a blended family.
Remarriage and Blended Family Life
00:39:27
Speaker
Yeah, as you can tell, I'm very happy. So we got married in June. We got married in Graceland, where Elvis lived. It was fun. I thought it was just going to be Jim and myself and the kids. We have three boys, three girls. And here came 32 people on a Monday morning at 10 AM. And it was. It was friends from Italy when we lived over there. It was new neighbors. It was Greg's family. It was just, what a potpourri, we call it, of people and blending truly together.
00:39:56
Speaker
But yeah, Jim and I have been in one of those lives as friends since probably 2014, right? And apparently I had met him right after Greg passed. I have no memory of it. That's how impactful it was. When you're in grief, you are in grief. But so we actually had a friendship that moved into love many years later. And that was awesome because my kids were familiar with him already. And they had that level of trust and friendship built
00:40:24
Speaker
I highly encourage friendship first and then adding love. It's been incredible. But with that, we often, we share a lot of conversations about Greg to the point that my Jim, who's my current husband, will actually stop sometimes and say, you know, I never met him.
00:40:40
Speaker
Because we forget like he and I have an older son who looks my 21 year old Connor looks just like my husband walks the same way Even the shape of his shoulders if he's walking down the hallway I think it's Craig like it that's we talk about bumping into things like the cold rush of air. I'm like
00:40:59
Speaker
Oh, geez, no, right. Because that was the age I met Greg, like right around that age. So I'm like, Oh, no, you you have met Greg. It's in Connor, like it's in each of my kids. So that's awesome. And his children too, like we all
00:41:14
Speaker
We all make jokes. We're like, oh, that's a Greg-ism. His kids will say, like, that's a Greg-ism. They've never met him. It's from the stories we share. And it's so important to keep that alive. Stories, stories. It's the key, I think, of really feeling like you know someone. And having others share stories about your loved one is so important too, because their dynamics were different, right?
00:41:40
Speaker
how Greg was with his siblings was different than how he was as a dad and as a husband. So what is a story that you might remember of someone that they shared about Greg that you did not know and that they might have shared was after he died?
00:41:56
Speaker
Oh, you know, it is the funniest thing because the kids would share stories with me like, hey, mom, do you know that? All right. So my daughter loved Dunkin Donuts, loved Dunkin Donuts. We didn't have it in Italy. We had all this wonderful coffee. She was little. But we come backstage. I love Dunkin Donuts.
00:42:15
Speaker
Um, and she behaved badly one day at the drive through her Dankon donuts. And I forbid her to ever eat it again. Like she was done. Like I was a strict mom. I was like, yeah, pushed it too far and you're done. And so after Greg passes, it was years later and Katie's like, Oh my God, have you ever had one of those like Dunkin donuts? It's like on the pancake or something. Like, how do you know? She's like, Oh, every time daddy would take me to guitar lessons, we would stop and have one. And then we would throw the trash out at the car wash.
00:42:42
Speaker
Oh, throw away the evidence. Throw away the evidence. And as a federal, as working as someone, he knew how to get rid of the evidence. There you go. Oh, yeah. And yeah, there's stories. There's stories about Greg. He struggled with his weight at time. And I'd go on these weight loss diets with him. And if we're on the podcast, ladies and gentlemen, I do not think I have any issue with weight. So I would shed all this weight. I'd be so super skinny because I was on this diet with him and he wouldn't lose a pound.
00:43:11
Speaker
And here we find out, like in Italy, he was like going out for, every time he walked during lunch, it was to the gelato store, which is like ice cream and water ice. And it wasn't until he passed that we realized like, oh, that's why he lost no weight because he was walking to pizza and the gelato store every day. That was his walks and then his drives to the guitar lesson. I'll take her, I'll take Katie to her lesson. I thought he was being so helpful.
00:43:39
Speaker
so that he could go through the dunk and drive through. But thank you for asking. That was really nice to share those stories. Thank you. Yes, I'm glad you shared them. And for anybody listening, just remember to also have others share those stories with you as well. And you learn these things about your loved ones, sometimes things that maybe you don't want to hear or know. But it's still important because it's also important to remember their humanity. And we sometimes put everyone
00:44:10
Speaker
Yes, and it is not the case. We are humans with our own faults and it's okay to remember every aspect of who someone was. Just like we'd like people to remember us for every aspect of who we are, not just the good things.
00:44:28
Speaker
Well, I'm sure my kids have a list of stories they'll be sharing. That's okay. That's still wonderful. Well, I am just so grateful, Donna, that you've shared all these different stories, not only about your life, but also all these tips that people can actually hold onto and use.
Grace Through Grief and Resources
00:44:45
Speaker
Is there anything I did not ask you that you're like, this is something I want to make sure I share with the listeners?
00:44:53
Speaker
I really want to impart to the listeners out there that if you are in a transition, a lost of a loved one in any way, to give yourself grace. Just to give yourself some forgiveness for being stuck in grief as long as you want to be or running away from it. It's okay. Just be and breathe and take the 24 hours.
00:45:15
Speaker
Beautiful. Thank you. And again, now let's talk about how people can contact you, get the book. And I keep on picking up the book. The easiest way the book is available on Amazon. It is I think December when we're recording this of 2022 and the Audible book version of it will be out in about two weeks.
00:45:37
Speaker
I hope you're the voice. I hope you're the voice because you have an amazing voice. You are? I am. I took a vote. I took a poll. I was like, do you guys want to hear this narrated or do you want to hear me? And it was a hard one to record. I had to take a few breaks there. You forget you wrote some of those pages. I felt like I wrote the pages and then didn't think about it anymore.
00:45:57
Speaker
But I hope it came out beautifully. I hope it's a way that the message gets out there to a bigger audience. I'm an Audible book listener myself. Ditto. Yeah, just so many kids. You can't sit still like that. But for the Audible version though, is there a link that people could still go to to then see the list to then be able, if they buy the Audible version, could they then have an access to
00:46:22
Speaker
a link to then print any other things that you mentioned in the book? Yeah. The PDFs will still be available to them. Perfect. They'll download off the Audible version.
00:46:30
Speaker
And you can always reach out at hello at widow-wisdom.com. And obviously the best way to follow me is on Instagram. So it's hashtag widowandwisdom. I have a lot of fun with those posts. And sometimes it's just those little, I call them little nuggets, right? To help you get through the day, not even if you're in widowhood or not, just to help be a good person and support the people next to you, so.
00:46:54
Speaker
Beautiful. Thank you. And again, the book is called a guide to widowhood, navigating the first three years. And it is something that you even say at the beginning, you can kind of give some guidance as to how to read it and kind of go wherever you are. Skip around if you've already passed the first couple of years, you still may want to go
00:47:13
Speaker
into those chapters and make sure to review the checklist and make sure you did everything in the first and the second year of that loss. And then you can move on to what happens after the three years. So thank you once again, Donna, for having us, for sharing Greg with us as well and his story. And
00:47:36
Speaker
sending love and energy to him as well and your children and his family in this journey that you've been on and continue to be on. So much love to you. Thank you, Donna. Thank you for the opportunity to share a bit. I appreciate it. Thank you.
00:48:00
Speaker
Thank you again so much for choosing to listen today. I hope that you can take away a few nuggets from today's episode that can bring you comfort in your times of grief. If so, it would mean so much to me if you would rate and comment on this episode. And if you feel inspired in some way to share it with someone who may need to hear this, please do so.
00:48:28
Speaker
Also, if you or someone you know has a story of grief and gratitude that should be shared so that others can be inspired as well, please reach out to me. And thanks once again for tuning into Grief Gratitude and the Gray in Between podcast. Have a beautiful day.