Transcript
Speaker: Welcome back to Dirty Briefs.
Speaker: It is October and it's almost Halloween, which means it's spooky season.
Speaker: And that's why this episode is about the scariest thing of all, cancer.
Speaker: But not really cancer.
Speaker: Because honestly, cancer wasn't that scary.
Speaker: At least not for me.
Speaker: I was delirious.
Speaker: I was basically retired.
Speaker: I was playing tennis, doing comedy, meditating, laying down all day, watching movies.
Speaker: Cancer wasn't that bad.
Speaker: The hard part, the scary part, is knowing that I would have to get back to my life and to all of my work when it was all over.
Speaker: This past weekend, I was, well, it's a couple weeks ago now that you're hearing this, but I was in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, and first time I'd ever been there, excited to be there, and I was told that there'd be a good amount of people at this show that
Speaker: 40 to 60 minimum.
Speaker: And I thought, okay, I can work with that.
Speaker: I'm working on a door deal, which means I get paid based on the amount of people that are there.
Speaker: Then when push came to shove and the show started, nobody was coming in the venue and it ended up being nine people, nine.
Speaker: And that's hard, very difficult.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: I put on a good show because I had to.
Speaker: I let it out of me on the back backstage.
Speaker: I was literally going, do not take it out on them.
Speaker: This is not their fault.
Speaker: Just get it out of you now.
Speaker: Get it out of you now and go fucking perform for these few people.
Speaker: So I did.
Speaker: But that feeling of failure stuck with me.
Speaker: I couldn't just let it out.
Speaker: I had a gig in Fargo, North Dakota the next night, and I did everything I could to put on a great show again, and I did, and my numbers were better.
Speaker: The day was much better, so I didn't end the weekend of gigs on a low note, but still, there was that negativity swirling around inside of me.
Speaker: And part of me can't stop thinking about how I knew this was coming.
Speaker: Almost a year ago, I wrote a blog post with this title, The Scary Part of Cancer.
Speaker: It's not what I thought it would be.
Speaker: Because dying is easy.
Speaker: But living is the hard part.
Speaker: All I had to do when I had cancer is survive and heal.
Speaker: People were there for me to take care of me.
Speaker: But now I need to figure out
Speaker: who I am on the other side of it and how to make cancer work for me.
Speaker: Because I said I was going to do that.
Speaker: I said, watch this, everybody.
Speaker: Cancer is going to rue the day it entered this body and mind because my positive attitude is going to make me shine brighter than the sun.
Speaker: It is going to prove my resilience.
Speaker: And in many ways it has.
Speaker: But when I have a gig like I just did in Sioux Falls where nobody shows up, where I lose money, and then I'm looking at other ticket sales coming up, and I have club managers saying, hey, we're going to cancel this show if people don't start buying tickets.
Speaker: And I'm promoting.
Speaker: I'm running ads.
Speaker: I'm asking friends to reach out to people in these cities.
Speaker: I'm trying to do anything I can.
Speaker: to get people out to these shows and to not live in this place of resentment where I feel like I'm allergic to certain levels of success.
Speaker: I'm so prolific right now in the amount of work that I am doing.
Speaker: I am writing blogs.
Speaker: I have this weekly podcast.
Speaker: I am releasing clips.
Speaker: I'm doing daily lollipops.
Speaker: I'm performing all the time.
Speaker: I am doing, I'm going on podcasts, all of these things.
Speaker: but I'm not seeing results.
Speaker: People aren't following me.
Speaker: People aren't sharing as much as I hope they would be.
Speaker: I don't know if what I'm doing is actually speaking to people.
Speaker: And I know if you're listening to this, you're one of the chosen few.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: This is not to say, woe is me in any way, but I'm just being vulnerable.
Speaker: And I'm telling you, the reality has set in that cancer's over.
Speaker: And while I'm still living and processing the results of all of that horrific period, now I need to turn things around and really start being the person, the comedian that I know I am meant to be.
Speaker: I filmed that Comedy Central set back in April and it was released in August.
Speaker: And I was so excited about that.
Speaker: It looks great.
Speaker: I'm proud of it.
Speaker: It is one of the least watched episodes they've had in two years.
Speaker: I can't explain why.
Speaker: I could theorize, sure, but what's the point?
Speaker: I did an episode of The Honeydew, a podcast I was so excited to be a part of.
Speaker: It's one of my favorite podcasts.
Speaker: And again, one of the least watched episodes he's ever had.
Speaker: Why?
Speaker: Is it me?
Speaker: Because you start to have this doubt creep in.
Speaker: Your self-image begins to wear and tear.
Speaker: Because eventually you start to think when one bad thing happens, it's a downward spiral.
Speaker: And it leads you to all of these other thoughts.
Speaker: You go, wow, why did nobody come to see me in Sioux Falls?
Speaker: Why has nobody ever really picked me as their opener to go on the road?
Speaker: Why do I never showcase for this?
Speaker: Why have I never booked a voiceover audition?
Speaker: Why is everything a struggle?
Speaker: Is that just how it is for most people?
Speaker: But we don't see that because social media only shows us the greatest parts of ourselves unless we get nitty gritty and we share what reality actually is.
Speaker: I'm in it.
Speaker: It is my time to figure this out.
Speaker: And man, I'm working hard.
Speaker: I am really trying.
Speaker: I'm focusing on the positives.
Speaker: I'm filming a special January 12th in Bridgeport, Connecticut.
Speaker: I know that's going to be a great step for my career, something I need for myself.
Speaker: I'm...
Speaker: working on another big project that I'm not going to talk about yet.
Speaker: And these are things you need to create art for yourself because there is something inside of you that needs to come out.
Speaker: You can't worry about results.
Speaker: However, this is my profession.
Speaker: This is how I make money.
Speaker: So when I go on the road and I don't sell any tickets, I can't pay rent.
Speaker: And that's scary.
Speaker: Watching a bank account dwindle.
Speaker: Now you have to operate from a place of abundance.
Speaker: You have to believe that things are going to turn around, planting seeds all of the time.
Speaker: And some of them are going to sprout.
Speaker: Of course they are.
Speaker: You just have to wonder when.
Speaker: It's pretty scary.
Speaker: And cancer was almost like a relief.
Speaker: It was a break for me.
Speaker: But now that I'm out of it, I really need to figure all of this out.
Speaker: I need to keep trying different things.
Speaker: Constantly promoting myself takes a lot out of me.
Speaker: It's hard, but it's part of my job.
Speaker: And I have little self-care things that I do for myself on a daily basis.
Speaker: But life can't just be all meditate, breath work, slack line, tennis, run up a mountain.
Speaker: You need some wins.
Speaker: And I know the wins are coming because I'm creating opportunities for myself because that's what you have to do.
Speaker: So if you're here and you're listening to this and you know someone in Orlando or Tampa, I'm sending my shows this week.
Speaker: I'm in Orlando on Wednesday, October 18th, and I'm in Tampa for six shows, October 19th through the 22nd.
Speaker: If you're in the Bay Area, I'll be in Alameda Comedy Club November 3rd and 4th.
Speaker: And there's more to come.
Speaker: Brea, California.
Speaker: Yes, first time headlining the Brea Improv, November 19th.
Speaker: I don't wanna cancel these shows because I'm not selling tickets.
Speaker: I gotta figure out how to sell tickets.
Speaker: I gotta make these Facebook ads work.
Speaker: I gotta make something happen.
Speaker: Cause I'm not gonna quit.
Speaker: I'm gonna be delusional and keep telling myself it's gonna happen.
Speaker: Maybe it's not a delusion.
Speaker: Maybe this is all part of the journey and the universe is telling me to keep
Speaker: making things and releasing them and not giving a fuck.
Speaker: I will be rewarded for everything that I do and everything that I've gone through, the way I handled it.
Speaker: I will be rewarded.
Speaker: And when that day comes, I'll be laughing my ass off with all of you in a sold out show.
Speaker: I can't wait.
Speaker: I love you so much.
Speaker: And I sincerely thank you for being here and being a part of this podcast.
Speaker: I mean it.
Speaker: Have a wonderful, magical day.
