Transcript
Speaker: It's story time this week on Dirty Briefs.
Speaker: 2020 was a weird year for everyone.
Speaker: For me, as a comedian, it was brutal.
Speaker: We were doing comedy on Zoom.
Speaker: Ugh.
Speaker: I mean, real comedy is like sex.
Speaker: There's a give and take.
Speaker: Everyone walks away feeling better after it's over.
Speaker: Zoom comedy was straight masturbation.
Speaker: We only did it because we couldn't get the real thing.
Speaker: And as soon as it was over, we shut our computer and felt shame.
Speaker: In October of 2020, I was finally got to do my first show at an actual comedy club indoors.
Speaker: And I'm thinking, yes, I am going to be untethered, unleashed.
Speaker: Get me out of this cage of Zoom comedy.
Speaker: When I get to the club in San Diego, they have literally built a plexiglass cage for me to perform in, which would have been fine.
Speaker: I was still indoors performing for actual humans.
Speaker: However, because it was plexiglass, I could see my own reflection a foot and a half away from me staring back into my own face.
Speaker: What a weird way to do comedy.
Speaker: Now, at one point, I forgot how a joke went.
Speaker: I was kind of working off an old set, and I couldn't remember a transition or how a joke landed.
Speaker: And somebody in the audience screamed out the punchline.
Speaker: And I was like, whoa, I have a super fan in here.
Speaker: This is cool.
Speaker: After the show, she introduces herself and she is this gorgeous woman.
Speaker: She has great energy radiating out of her.
Speaker: And I ask her if she lives in San Diego.
Speaker: She says, no, I live in Tampa.
Speaker: Conveniently.
Speaker: I'm going to Tampa six months later.
Speaker: I'm booked there at the end of March to do a headlining weekend at SideSplitters in Tampa, the club where I just came from.
Speaker: And hopefully you just saw me there because I was there this past weekend.
Speaker: So I'm getting ready to do this show.
Speaker: And I see that she is there with a guy and another couple.
Speaker: And they're all beautiful.
Speaker: Now, this show.
Speaker: is amazing.
Speaker: It is packed, sold out.
Speaker: I'm headlining.
Speaker: Ron White was in town and he only wanted to feature and do 20 minutes.
Speaker: So Ron White was opening for me.
Speaker: The world is truly upside down at this point.
Speaker: Now the show ends.
Speaker: I was wearing my kimono.
Speaker: I was talking about being fluid.
Speaker: All of these things.
Speaker: I go into the lobby and I meet up with this woman and the friends that she has brought.
Speaker: And immediately she says, hey,
Speaker: We're all going to go out and we're going to dance.
Speaker: Do you want to come with us?
Speaker: Yes, of course I do.
Speaker: They say we have Molly.
Speaker: I say, great.
Speaker: I'll take one of those too.
Speaker: So we all do a hit of Molly.
Speaker: We're all about to go.
Speaker: And then one of the bartenders comes up and he says, hey, Alex, are you going out with these people?
Speaker: And I'm like, yeah.
Speaker: He goes, cool.
Speaker: You know, Tampa's a swinger city.
Speaker: I was like, okay, that's not what this is.
Speaker: He goes, okay, sure.
Speaker: I go back to the people and they say, hey, we don't really like going out in Tampa.
Speaker: We want to go out where we live in St.
Speaker: Petersburg, 45 minutes away.
Speaker: Now, as a comedian, this is a no-no.
Speaker: You do not travel 45 minutes away from where you are staying because of the promise of a party.
Speaker: Because I've been tricked too many times where somebody says they're throwing a rager and then all of a sudden, an hour and a half later, you're
Speaker: You're sitting in some guy's mom's basement with a 30-pack of Coors Light and two dudes that you wish you weren't there with.
Speaker: But I just took drugs with these people.
Speaker: They're really pretty.
Speaker: I'm going to get in their car and go with them wherever they want to go.
Speaker: So we start heading towards St.
Speaker: Petersburg.
Speaker: And the whole way there, all of these people are talking about how the pandemic changed that.
Speaker: It made them more open.
Speaker: They've all been experimenting and hooking up with each other in different combinations.
Speaker: I'm hearing all of this and letting it register piece by piece.
Speaker: We finally get to St.
Speaker: Petersburg.
Speaker: We're standing in line for a club.
Speaker: And one of the guys goes, why are we waiting in line for a club?
Speaker: My apartment is two blocks away.
Speaker: I'm thinking, well, that's convenient.
Speaker: But okay, I'm with you guys.
Speaker: I'll go wherever you guys want to go.
Speaker: We go back to the apartment, drink a little whiskey.
Speaker: We're still rolling, put on some music.
Speaker: All four of them fall into a cuddle puddle on the couch.
Speaker: And I'm just kind of sitting at the kitchen island like, okay, I don't know these people.
Speaker: But they were like, Alex, come on, get in here.
Speaker: I feel pretty good.
Speaker: I get into the cuddle puddle.
Speaker: The hands are going everywhere.
Speaker: Now, a little while later, it's now three in the morning.
Speaker: And the girl that I met in San Diego and the guy she was with said, hey, we got to work in the morning.
Speaker: We're going to go.
Speaker: And I said, cool.
Speaker: I'm going to head out with you guys.
Speaker: I got a long ride back.
Speaker: And the couple that lived in the apartment said, no, Alex.
Speaker: Stay here.
Speaker: I was like, no, it's not appropriate.
Speaker: I don't really know you guys.
Speaker: And they were like, Alex, stay here.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: I smell what you're stepping in.
Speaker: The other couple leaves.
Speaker: And it's just me and this couple that live there.
Speaker: And immediately the guy looks at me and goes, do you want to get in the hot tub?
Speaker: And I was like, I didn't bring a bathing suit.
Speaker: I'm wearing a kimono.
Speaker: And he goes, don't worry.
Speaker: I got an extra one.
Speaker: Five minutes later, I am in this strange man's bathing suit.
Speaker: The girl goes to get into her bathing suit, but instead of getting into a bathing suit, she comes out basically wearing a slip that is covering nothing at all.
Speaker: We get into the elevator to go up to the hot tub, which is on the roof of the building.
Speaker: And while we're going up there, me and the guy are standing on one side of the elevator, the girl standing on the other side.
Speaker: And suddenly she just starts singing this.
Speaker: I just want somebody to love me.
Speaker: I need somebody to love.
Speaker: It could be anybody.
Speaker: I just need somebody to love.
Speaker: I look at the dude and he looks at me and just goes, she's great.
Speaker: Right?
Speaker: We get onto the roof to get into the hot tub.
Speaker: And as soon as we put our feet in, it is freezing, ice cold, broken.
Speaker: And I'm thinking again, how convenient, because I knew once we got into this hot tub, I knew it was going to go down.
Speaker: Hot tubs are a place where things like that happen.
Speaker: Bubbles are rising to the surface.
Speaker: You can't see what's happening under the water.
Speaker: Toes are going in buttholes and you don't know whose is whose.
Speaker: but this hot tub is broken.
Speaker: And he goes, oh, I forgot.
Speaker: They sent a memo about this yesterday.
Speaker: And I'm thinking, of course they did.
Speaker: I'm in a bathing suit.
Speaker: We're all in bathing suits.
Speaker: We go back down to their apartment.
Speaker: It is now almost four in the morning, sitting on the couch.
Speaker: Drugs are still circulating their way through our bloodstream.
Speaker: feeling pretty good.
Speaker: And they sandwiched me on either side of the couch.
Speaker: And at this point I break, I go, okay, you guys want to fuck me, right?
Speaker: And at the same time, they both went, no.
Speaker: Why would you think that?
Speaker: Why would I think that?
Speaker: Why would I think that?
Speaker: One, you came to my Saturday Night Late Show and you saw me talking about wanting to be fluid.
Speaker: Two, I'm wearing this kimono.
Speaker: Three, the bartender told me that Tampa is a swinger city.
Speaker: Four, we all did drugs together.
Speaker: Five, you didn't want to stay in Tampa.
Speaker: You wanted to go to St.
Speaker: Petersburg where you live.
Speaker: Six, the entire car ride there, you talked about hooking up with each other and how you're all fluid and how you all just try different combinations of things all the time.
Speaker: Seven, you never wanted to go to a club.
Speaker: You just wanted to get me closer to your apartment.
Speaker: Eight, we all got into a cuddle puddle together and I don't even know you guys.
Speaker: Nine, I am wearing your bathing suit right now.
Speaker: The song.
Speaker: The song in the elevator.
Speaker: What was that if you weren't trying to get me to, if it wasn't some sort of sign saying that you're both down for this?
Speaker: Eleven, I tried to leave and you guys told me to stay here.
Speaker: What was that?
Speaker: And the girl looks at me kind of sheepishly and goes, I just really like that song.
Speaker: I was like, okay, I gotta go.
Speaker: This has been a really fun evening, a really weird evening.
Speaker: I was contemplating what was going to happen here.
Speaker: Was, were we both going to do the girl?
Speaker: Was I going to do the girl?
Speaker: Would the guy watch?
Speaker: I don't know if I'm with some kind of cuck like that.
Speaker: I don't know if I want to do that situation where he's the cuck.
Speaker: I don't want to know if I want to do that.
Speaker: What if she wanted me to watch him?
Speaker: I don't know, but I'm on drugs and I was kind of willing to try anything.
Speaker: I call an Uber.
Speaker: Said, I got to get out of here.
Speaker: And then once again, they were like, Alex, stay here.
Speaker: It's okay.
Speaker: And I was like, I can't stay here.
Speaker: I just proposed group sex and you told me I was out of line.
Speaker: I don't even know your names.
Speaker: I need to go.
Speaker: Call an Uber.
Speaker: And I know it's going to be one long ride back to Tampa.
Speaker: 45 minutes where I'm questioning this entire evening, every decision that led me to this point, starting when I met this woman in San Diego six months before.
Speaker: I get in the car, I sit in the backseat, and I immediately tell the driver, hey, man, I've had a really weird night.
Speaker: I don't really want to talk about it.
Speaker: If you can just put on whatever music you want to listen to, whether it's jazz, hard rock, rap, whatever you want to listen to, you just enjoy the ride.
Speaker: I'll tip you really well at the end.
Speaker: Just enjoy yourself.
Speaker: I'm going to sit back here.
Speaker: Your guy turns around and goes, I don't listen to music.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: Just put on whatever you want to listen to.
Speaker: I don't want to talk right now.
Speaker: And I hope that's okay.
Speaker: So for the next 45 minutes, while I pondered every decision I'd ever made in my entire life leading me to this very moment, I sat in the back of that car as we listened to an episode of the Joe Rogan experience.
Speaker: And when I got back to that condo in Tampa,
Speaker: I opened the door, walked inside, so relieved to be back at the place where I was staying.
Speaker: And when I looked down, I realized I was still wearing this dude's bathing suit.
Speaker: The road is an interesting place, and I follow adventures sometimes, and maybe I shouldn't.
Speaker: But it's part of living this comedic lifestyle.
Speaker: Sometimes you got to say yes to an adventure.
Speaker: So if you enjoyed this story, please go to HooperComedy.com.
Speaker: Check out my tour dates.
Speaker: Please don't invite me to not swing or swing with you unless it's on an actual rope swing, which I love to do because I'm a little child that likes to climb and play on things.
Speaker: So.
Speaker: I'll see you out there.
Speaker: I hope you enjoyed this one, everybody, because I enjoyed telling you about it.
Speaker: Bye!
