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Tampa is a Swinger City
108 Plays2 years ago
Weird things happen when you say Yes to strangers while traveling for comedy. Alex regales his tale of an adventure through Florida. One crazy evening leads him to a different city, a hot tub, and a big decision that could change his entire life. Enjoy the wet and wild ride of this wacky story.
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Find Alex:
Website: https://www.hoopercomedy.com/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/hooperhairpuff/?hl=en
https://twitter.com/hooperhairpuff
https://www.facebook.com/alex.hooper.334/
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Transcript
2020's Oddities and Dirty Briefs
00:00:01
Speaker
It's story time this week on Dirty Briefs.
00:00:05
Speaker
2020 was a weird year for everyone.
Comedy on Zoom vs Live Shows
00:00:10
Speaker
For me, as a comedian, it was brutal.
00:00:13
Speaker
We were doing comedy on Zoom.
00:00:16
Speaker
Ugh.
00:00:17
Speaker
I mean, real comedy is like sex.
00:00:21
Speaker
There's a give and take.
00:00:22
Speaker
Everyone walks away feeling better after it's over.
00:00:26
Speaker
Zoom comedy was straight masturbation.
00:00:29
Speaker
We only did it because we couldn't get the real thing.
00:00:32
Speaker
And as soon as it was over, we shut our computer and felt shame.
First Indoor Show Post-Pandemic
00:00:37
Speaker
In October of 2020, I was finally got to do my first show at an actual comedy club indoors.
00:00:44
Speaker
And I'm thinking, yes, I am going to be untethered, unleashed.
00:00:48
Speaker
Get me out of this cage of Zoom comedy.
00:00:51
Speaker
When I get to the club in San Diego, they have literally built a plexiglass cage for me to perform in, which would have been fine.
00:00:59
Speaker
I was still indoors performing for actual humans.
00:01:03
Speaker
However, because it was plexiglass, I could see my own reflection a foot and a half away from me staring back into my own face.
00:01:13
Speaker
What a weird way to do comedy.
00:01:16
Speaker
Now, at one point, I forgot how a joke went.
00:01:19
Speaker
I was kind of working off an old set, and I couldn't remember a transition or how a joke landed.
00:01:24
Speaker
And somebody in the audience screamed out the punchline.
00:01:29
Speaker
And I was like, whoa, I have a super fan in here.
00:01:31
Speaker
This is cool.
00:01:33
Speaker
After the show, she introduces herself and she is this gorgeous woman.
Meeting a Superfan
00:01:38
Speaker
She has great energy radiating out of her.
00:01:41
Speaker
And I ask her if she lives in San Diego.
00:01:43
Speaker
She says, no, I live in Tampa.
00:01:46
Speaker
Conveniently.
00:01:48
Speaker
I'm going to Tampa six months later.
00:01:51
Speaker
I'm booked there at the end of March to do a headlining weekend at SideSplitters in Tampa, the club where I just came from.
00:01:58
Speaker
And hopefully you just saw me there because I was there this past weekend.
00:02:03
Speaker
So I'm getting ready to do this show.
The Tampa Gig with Ron White
00:02:09
Speaker
And I see that she is there with a guy and another couple.
00:02:14
Speaker
And they're all beautiful.
00:02:16
Speaker
Now, this show.
00:02:18
Speaker
is amazing.
00:02:19
Speaker
It is packed, sold out.
00:02:22
Speaker
I'm headlining.
00:02:23
Speaker
Ron White was in town and he only wanted to feature and do 20 minutes.
00:02:28
Speaker
So Ron White was opening for me.
00:02:31
Speaker
The world is truly upside down at this point.
00:02:34
Speaker
Now the show ends.
An Invitation to Dance
00:02:37
Speaker
I was wearing my kimono.
00:02:38
Speaker
I was talking about being fluid.
00:02:41
Speaker
All of these things.
00:02:43
Speaker
I go into the lobby and I meet up with this woman and the friends that she has brought.
00:02:49
Speaker
And immediately she says, hey,
00:02:52
Speaker
We're all going to go out and we're going to dance.
00:02:54
Speaker
Do you want to come with us?
00:02:56
Speaker
Yes, of course I do.
00:02:57
Speaker
They say we have Molly.
00:02:59
Speaker
I say, great.
00:03:00
Speaker
I'll take one of those too.
00:03:02
Speaker
So we all do a hit of Molly.
00:03:04
Speaker
We're all about to go.
Journey to St. Petersburg
00:03:06
Speaker
And then one of the bartenders comes up and he says, hey, Alex, are you going out with these people?
00:03:10
Speaker
And I'm like, yeah.
00:03:11
Speaker
He goes, cool.
00:03:12
Speaker
You know, Tampa's a swinger city.
00:03:15
Speaker
I was like, okay, that's not what this is.
00:03:19
Speaker
He goes, okay, sure.
00:03:23
Speaker
I go back to the people and they say, hey, we don't really like going out in Tampa.
00:03:27
Speaker
We want to go out where we live in St.
00:03:29
Speaker
Petersburg, 45 minutes away.
00:03:31
Speaker
Now, as a comedian, this is a no-no.
00:03:34
Speaker
You do not travel 45 minutes away from where you are staying because of the promise of a party.
00:03:40
Speaker
Because I've been tricked too many times where somebody says they're throwing a rager and then all of a sudden, an hour and a half later, you're
00:03:47
Speaker
You're sitting in some guy's mom's basement with a 30-pack of Coors Light and two dudes that you wish you weren't there with.
00:03:54
Speaker
But I just took drugs with these people.
00:03:57
Speaker
They're really pretty.
00:03:59
Speaker
I'm going to get in their car and go with them wherever they want to go.
00:04:02
Speaker
So we start heading towards St.
00:04:04
Speaker
Petersburg.
Cuddle Puddle Realization
00:04:05
Speaker
And the whole way there, all of these people are talking about how the pandemic changed that.
00:04:09
Speaker
It made them more open.
00:04:11
Speaker
They've all been experimenting and hooking up with each other in different combinations.
00:04:16
Speaker
I'm hearing all of this and letting it register piece by piece.
00:04:20
Speaker
We finally get to St.
00:04:21
Speaker
Petersburg.
00:04:22
Speaker
We're standing in line for a club.
00:04:24
Speaker
And one of the guys goes, why are we waiting in line for a club?
00:04:27
Speaker
My apartment is two blocks away.
00:04:30
Speaker
I'm thinking, well, that's convenient.
00:04:33
Speaker
But okay, I'm with you guys.
00:04:35
Speaker
I'll go wherever you guys want to go.
00:04:37
Speaker
We go back to the apartment, drink a little whiskey.
00:04:41
Speaker
We're still rolling, put on some music.
00:04:44
Speaker
All four of them fall into a cuddle puddle on the couch.
00:04:50
Speaker
And I'm just kind of sitting at the kitchen island like, okay, I don't know these people.
00:04:57
Speaker
But they were like, Alex, come on, get in here.
00:05:02
Speaker
I feel pretty good.
00:05:03
Speaker
I get into the cuddle puddle.
00:05:05
Speaker
The hands are going everywhere.
00:05:07
Speaker
Now, a little while later, it's now three in the morning.
Misunderstanding Intentions
00:05:11
Speaker
And the girl that I met in San Diego and the guy she was with said, hey, we got to work in the morning.
00:05:17
Speaker
We're going to go.
00:05:18
Speaker
And I said, cool.
00:05:18
Speaker
I'm going to head out with you guys.
00:05:19
Speaker
I got a long ride back.
00:05:21
Speaker
And the couple that lived in the apartment said, no, Alex.
00:05:25
Speaker
Stay here.
00:05:26
Speaker
I was like, no, it's not appropriate.
00:05:29
Speaker
I don't really know you guys.
00:05:31
Speaker
And they were like, Alex, stay here.
00:05:36
Speaker
Okay.
00:05:37
Speaker
I smell what you're stepping in.
00:05:40
Speaker
The other couple leaves.
00:05:41
Speaker
And it's just me and this couple that live there.
Hot Tub Plans Go Awry
00:05:44
Speaker
And immediately the guy looks at me and goes, do you want to get in the hot tub?
00:05:47
Speaker
And I was like, I didn't bring a bathing suit.
00:05:49
Speaker
I'm wearing a kimono.
00:05:50
Speaker
And he goes, don't worry.
00:05:51
Speaker
I got an extra one.
00:05:53
Speaker
Five minutes later, I am in this strange man's bathing suit.
00:05:57
Speaker
The girl goes to get into her bathing suit, but instead of getting into a bathing suit, she comes out basically wearing a slip that is covering nothing at all.
00:06:10
Speaker
We get into the elevator to go up to the hot tub, which is on the roof of the building.
00:06:17
Speaker
And while we're going up there, me and the guy are standing on one side of the elevator, the girl standing on the other side.
00:06:22
Speaker
And suddenly she just starts singing this.
00:06:25
Speaker
I just want somebody to love me.
00:06:31
Speaker
I need somebody to love.
00:06:34
Speaker
It could be anybody.
00:06:38
Speaker
I just need somebody to love.
00:06:42
Speaker
I look at the dude and he looks at me and just goes, she's great.
00:06:46
Speaker
Right?
00:06:50
Speaker
We get onto the roof to get into the hot tub.
00:06:53
Speaker
And as soon as we put our feet in, it is freezing, ice cold, broken.
00:06:59
Speaker
And I'm thinking again, how convenient, because I knew once we got into this hot tub, I knew it was going to go down.
00:07:08
Speaker
Hot tubs are a place where things like that happen.
00:07:10
Speaker
Bubbles are rising to the surface.
00:07:12
Speaker
You can't see what's happening under the water.
00:07:14
Speaker
Toes are going in buttholes and you don't know whose is whose.
00:07:18
Speaker
but this hot tub is broken.
00:07:20
Speaker
And he goes, oh, I forgot.
00:07:21
Speaker
They sent a memo about this yesterday.
00:07:23
Speaker
And I'm thinking, of course they did.
00:07:28
Speaker
I'm in a bathing suit.
00:07:30
Speaker
We're all in bathing suits.
00:07:32
Speaker
We go back down to their apartment.
Confrontation and Denial
00:07:36
Speaker
It is now almost four in the morning, sitting on the couch.
00:07:40
Speaker
Drugs are still circulating their way through our bloodstream.
00:07:45
Speaker
feeling pretty good.
00:07:47
Speaker
And they sandwiched me on either side of the couch.
00:07:51
Speaker
And at this point I break, I go, okay, you guys want to fuck me, right?
00:07:58
Speaker
And at the same time, they both went, no.
00:08:02
Speaker
Why would you think that?
00:08:05
Speaker
Why would I think that?
00:08:08
Speaker
Why would I think that?
00:08:15
Speaker
One, you came to my Saturday Night Late Show and you saw me talking about wanting to be fluid.
00:08:22
Speaker
Two, I'm wearing this kimono.
00:08:24
Speaker
Three, the bartender told me that Tampa is a swinger city.
00:08:29
Speaker
Four, we all did drugs together.
00:08:31
Speaker
Five, you didn't want to stay in Tampa.
00:08:33
Speaker
You wanted to go to St.
00:08:34
Speaker
Petersburg where you live.
00:08:36
Speaker
Six, the entire car ride there, you talked about hooking up with each other and how you're all fluid and how you all just try different combinations of things all the time.
00:08:44
Speaker
Seven, you never wanted to go to a club.
00:08:46
Speaker
You just wanted to get me closer to your apartment.
00:08:49
Speaker
Eight, we all got into a cuddle puddle together and I don't even know you guys.
00:08:53
Speaker
Nine, I am wearing your bathing suit right now.
00:09:00
Speaker
The song.
00:09:02
Speaker
The song in the elevator.
00:09:06
Speaker
What was that if you weren't trying to get me to, if it wasn't some sort of sign saying that you're both down for this?
00:09:15
Speaker
Eleven, I tried to leave and you guys told me to stay here.
00:09:24
Speaker
What was that?
00:09:26
Speaker
And the girl looks at me kind of sheepishly and goes, I just really like that song.
00:09:31
Speaker
I was like, okay, I gotta go.
00:09:34
Speaker
This has been a really fun evening, a really weird evening.
00:09:38
Speaker
I was contemplating what was going to happen here.
00:09:41
Speaker
Was, were we both going to do the girl?
00:09:43
Speaker
Was I going to do the girl?
00:09:45
Speaker
Would the guy watch?
00:09:45
Speaker
I don't know if I'm with some kind of cuck like that.
00:09:47
Speaker
I don't know if I want to do that situation where he's the cuck.
00:09:50
Speaker
I don't want to know if I want to do that.
00:09:51
Speaker
What if she wanted me to watch him?
00:09:53
Speaker
I don't know, but I'm on drugs and I was kind of willing to try anything.
Reflective Uber Ride
00:09:58
Speaker
I call an Uber.
00:10:00
Speaker
Said, I got to get out of here.
00:10:02
Speaker
And then once again, they were like, Alex, stay here.
00:10:04
Speaker
It's okay.
00:10:05
Speaker
And I was like, I can't stay here.
00:10:07
Speaker
I just proposed group sex and you told me I was out of line.
00:10:11
Speaker
I don't even know your names.
00:10:14
Speaker
I need to go.
00:10:17
Speaker
Call an Uber.
00:10:19
Speaker
And I know it's going to be one long ride back to Tampa.
00:10:24
Speaker
45 minutes where I'm questioning this entire evening, every decision that led me to this point, starting when I met this woman in San Diego six months before.
00:10:38
Speaker
I get in the car, I sit in the backseat, and I immediately tell the driver, hey, man, I've had a really weird night.
00:10:44
Speaker
I don't really want to talk about it.
00:10:47
Speaker
If you can just put on whatever music you want to listen to, whether it's jazz, hard rock, rap, whatever you want to listen to, you just enjoy the ride.
00:10:57
Speaker
I'll tip you really well at the end.
00:10:59
Speaker
Just enjoy yourself.
00:11:00
Speaker
I'm going to sit back here.
00:11:02
Speaker
Your guy turns around and goes, I don't listen to music.
00:11:08
Speaker
Okay.
00:11:09
Speaker
Just put on whatever you want to listen to.
00:11:13
Speaker
I don't want to talk right now.
00:11:15
Speaker
And I hope that's okay.
00:11:17
Speaker
So for the next 45 minutes, while I pondered every decision I'd ever made in my entire life leading me to this very moment, I sat in the back of that car as we listened to an episode of the Joe Rogan experience.
00:11:39
Speaker
And when I got back to that condo in Tampa,
00:11:43
Speaker
I opened the door, walked inside, so relieved to be back at the place where I was staying.
00:11:51
Speaker
And when I looked down, I realized I was still wearing this dude's bathing suit.
Lessons from Adventures
00:12:01
Speaker
The road is an interesting place, and I follow adventures sometimes, and maybe I shouldn't.
00:12:10
Speaker
But it's part of living this comedic lifestyle.
00:12:13
Speaker
Sometimes you got to say yes to an adventure.
00:12:17
Speaker
So if you enjoyed this story, please go to HooperComedy.com.
00:12:22
Speaker
Check out my tour dates.
00:12:24
Speaker
Please don't invite me to not swing or swing with you unless it's on an actual rope swing, which I love to do because I'm a little child that likes to climb and play on things.
00:12:37
Speaker
So.
00:12:38
Speaker
I'll see you out there.
00:12:40
Speaker
I hope you enjoyed this one, everybody, because I enjoyed telling you about it.
00:12:44
Speaker
Bye!