Transcript
Speaker: It's another week, which means it's another Dirty Brief.
Speaker: So last week I was at a concert seeing Fred again.
Speaker: If you're not familiar with Fred again, he came to Rise during the pandemic and talk about a meteoric explosion from an artist.
Speaker: He suddenly started putting out music and the next thing you knew, he's one of the biggest artists on the planet.
Speaker: He put out three albums in less than three years and
Speaker: And all of them blew up.
Speaker: He just kind of reinvented electronic music and made his own form of it.
Speaker: And it just spoke to a generation.
Speaker: And you can see it based on how much he has grown in popularity over the last couple of years.
Speaker: And...
Speaker: I was at a concert and he started off, he plays videos during his songs, and he started off with this one song with this lyric that just keeps saying, we're going to make it through.
Speaker: We're going to make it through.
Speaker: We're going to make it through.
Speaker: And it put me back in this place where when I went in the hospital and I didn't realize I was having a stroke, I
Speaker: I kept repeating that phrase again and again for the first few days that I was in the hospital.
Speaker: I kept saying, we're going to make it through.
Speaker: We're going to make it through.
Speaker: And I was telling myself that.
Speaker: I was telling my friends and family that.
Speaker: I just kept repeating that phrase.
Speaker: And the reason why it spoke to me, because I was at this concert last week, is I realized that this Friday, November 17th, that's the day that I went in the hospital and didn't come out for 33 days.
Speaker: Over a month, starting November 17th.
Speaker: So now we are almost a year from that day.
Speaker: And holy shit, have I made it through.
Speaker: You know, those 33 days were some of the hardest I've ever endured in my adult life.
Speaker: They were just brutally painful.
Speaker: They were boring.
Speaker: They were terrifying.
Speaker: But one of the ways that I really got through that time is I kept telling myself, this is temporary.
Speaker: I will get through this.
Speaker: This is temporary.
Speaker: I will get through this.
Speaker: Fred Again's first albums were called Actual Life 1 and 2 and 3.
Speaker: Actual Life.
Speaker: And at that time, that was my actual life.
Speaker: But it was hard for me to wrap my head around that and truly accept it.
Speaker: While I knew it was my life, I kept telling myself that this is temporary.
Speaker: I will get through this.
Speaker: And I've used that phrase throughout many periods of my life.
Speaker: When I thought I was microdosing but accidentally took three full tabs of acid, this is temporary.
Speaker: I will get through this.
Speaker: This is temporary.
Speaker: I will get through this because you can survive so many things if you think beyond the current moment.
Speaker: I'm a person who thinks it's very important to live in the present.
Speaker: And I really try my best to focus on the present because depression is the past and anxiety is the future.
Speaker: Where are my feet right now?
Speaker: Be in the present.
Speaker: But when I was in the hospital,
Speaker: I wasn't in the present.
Speaker: I kept thinking about how I was going to bounce back from all of that.
Speaker: And where I am now, I'm so proud of myself.
Speaker: for how I handled this entire experience.
Speaker: Because I was on my Slack line today and I did 80 minutes without falling off, which felt great.
Speaker: That's my general practice is like 60 minutes minimum without falling off, just putting on headphones, listening to music.
Speaker: I was listening to LCD Sound System because we just bought tickets to see them on New Year's.
Speaker: And LCD is one of my favorite bands on the planet.
Speaker: They've meant so much to me.
Speaker: And in their song, Home, there's a couple lines that really resonated with me today.
Speaker: One of them, this is a trick, forget a terrible year.
Speaker: This is a trick, forget a terrible year.
Speaker: Well, that was my trick.
Speaker: Telling myself, this is temporary, I will get through this.
Speaker: Imagining the healthiest version of myself instead of this sick-laden person
Speaker: infirmed person laying in a hospital bed, 25 pounds swelled up from edema in constant pain, cancer riddled throughout my body, sepsis everywhere.
Speaker: This is temporary.
Speaker: I will get through this.
Speaker: This is a trick.
Speaker: Forget a terrible year.
Speaker: And then another lyric in that song is we can shut the door.
Speaker: Yeah, shut the door on terrible times.
Speaker: Because sometimes you have to, you have to leave that in the past.
Speaker: I can't go back to where I was in that state because I've done everything to get out of it.
Speaker: When I got out of the hospital and I had to do physical therapy, I did double the recommended amount to get myself through it so I could come back stronger than ever.
Speaker: I was worried about my brain and the quick-wittedness that I have come to rely on in stand-up comedy.
Speaker: And so I started doing cognitive exercises, simple word games, spelling bee and Wordle and just writing every single morning.
Speaker: I've written almost 300 pages of journaling this year.
Speaker: Almost 300 pages.
Speaker: Because every day when I wake up, that's the first thing that I do is I just start typing away my thoughts for the day.
Speaker: And a lot of it is positive affirmations, telling myself that things are going to get better because that is what I need.
Speaker: But a lot of it's just, what did I do yesterday?
Speaker: Think about a time in high school when you were unhappy and write about that.
Speaker: Whatever it may be, just using my brain to the best of its ability.
Speaker: I've learned that
Speaker: Patience is key because I couldn't rush this recovery.
Speaker: It wasn't going to happen as fast as I wanted to.
Speaker: And I knew that it was going to be a long, slow, arduous process.
Speaker: But I also knew that if I did the work, I would get back to where I could feel that
Speaker: like myself again, loving and silly and fun and just bursting at the seams with energy everywhere I go.
Speaker: I want to make myself and everyone around me feel like they are having a great experience, whatever we're doing.
Speaker: And it took a little while for me to get back to that.
Speaker: I had to give myself grace.
Speaker: And that was part of learning patience is being gracious with myself.
Speaker: is knowing that, yes, I will get there, but it might not happen as soon as I want it to.
Speaker: And honestly, looking back,
Speaker: I can't believe how well I did.
Speaker: I really can't.
Speaker: I've had an incredible year since all that happened.
Speaker: It's been a struggle.
Speaker: It's been tough.
Speaker: There's been times when I've been very frustrated or down on myself and I've had to kind of let those feelings come up and really feel them and understand why.
Speaker: But I haven't stayed in that place.
Speaker: where I felt like I was deathly ill or like I wasn't going to accomplish the things that I've set out to do.
Speaker: I went to so many concerts this year.
Speaker: I saw so many great bands and DJs.
Speaker: And every time I was surrounded with friends and it just felt beautiful to be back in that environment, doing that festival in Oregon, pickathon, where I got to perform comedy and then eat mushrooms in the woods watching an African guitar player who hadn't been in the country in 15 years.
Speaker: I cried.
Speaker: I wept openly.
Speaker: in that crowd because all I could think about is the resilience that I demonstrated while I endured this entire year.
Speaker: My wife and I celebrated our honeymoon.
Speaker: Finally, we went to Japan.
Speaker: And when I went to Japan, I was walking 20,000 steps a day all over that country, just realizing that, wow, my knee is back.
Speaker: That surgery didn't hold me back any more than I let it.
Speaker: I was headlining shows.
Speaker: I headlined in Japan, in Tokyo.
Speaker: I judged roast battle in Tokyo.
Speaker: That was so cool.
Speaker: I've traveled to all of these clubs and headlining weekends.
Speaker: I've done so much to put myself in a better place, to set myself up for the future.
Speaker: Because as much as it is about right now,
Speaker: It's also about what's going to happen from all of this.
Speaker: I told myself I was going to use it all to my advantage.
Speaker: And I wasn't exactly sure how, and I'm still not exactly sure how.
Speaker: But I do know that by not ignoring what I went through, by continually processing it, when feelings come up, feel them.
Speaker: I just start crying out of nowhere because something triggers me.
Speaker: A couple of weeks ago, I went to my oncologist to do blood work, just have to do that once a month.
Speaker: And he said, are you still having night sweats?
Speaker: And I remembered when I got out of the hospital that I was literally just turning into a puddle in the middle of the night and soaking my clothing all the way through to the sheets, to the mattress.
Speaker: And I felt disgusting.
Speaker: And I was like, no, don't put me back in that place.
Speaker: But it's his job to ask.
Speaker: And it's my job to be okay with it.
Speaker: And when I think about where I was, it makes me so grateful for where I am.
Speaker: It really does.
Speaker: This was a year that I wouldn't wish upon anybody.
Speaker: It really wasn't.
Speaker: It was just hit after hit.
Speaker: You know, I describe it as the VIP pass to the all-you-can-eat tragedy buffet.
Speaker: When I got cancer, I didn't know that it was going to get worse than that.
Speaker: And it got so much worse.
Speaker: But here I am.
Speaker: Here I am.
Speaker: Doing what I love.
Speaker: Performing comedy.
Speaker: Going to concerts.
Speaker: Dancing.
Speaker: Slacklining.
Speaker: Playing tennis.
Speaker: Cuddling my adorable pugs.
Speaker: Being with my friends.
Speaker: My family.
Speaker: The people who mean the most to me.
Speaker: And trying to shine my light as brightly as I can.
Speaker: Because man, it was dim.
Speaker: It was dark and I wasn't sure how to turn it back on.
Speaker: But sometimes the best way to re-energize, to rejuvenate is just to allow yourself to be dark for a little while.
Speaker: That's what I needed in that moment.
Speaker: I'm an extrovert who needed to be an introvert, who needed to realign myself so I could figure out how to move forward.
Speaker: And
Speaker: I've done that.
Speaker: And I'm only going to keep getting stronger as this goes on.
Speaker: Because when I think about that time, it's painful.
Speaker: It's scary.
Speaker: But looking at where I am now, how could I not be amazed as fuck at what I have been through and how I've accomplished so much in that period?
Speaker: If you guys saw my Comedy Central set, you saw me talk a little bit about this.
Speaker: And I'm so excited to say that I'm filming a special.
Speaker: And it's going to encompass all of these things that have happened.
Speaker: I mean, not quite all of it, because honestly, some of it's a little much and it's just not that funny.
Speaker: But the stuff that is, it's going to be a really good special.
Speaker: And I'm going to do something unique and different because that's who I am as an artist.
Speaker: I always try to do something a little bit different.
Speaker: I develop, I grow.
Speaker: I can't stay in one place.
Speaker: It's just not who I am.
Speaker: So January 12th in Bridgeport, Connecticut, everything is going to come together and is going to boil up into a beautiful special.
Speaker: And if you want to see me before then, there's a few opportunities like Sunday, November 19th at the Brea Improv, my first time headlining that club, or December 10th in Richmond, Virginia at Garden Grove Brewing,
Speaker: Or January 10th in Baltimore.
Speaker: Everybody, McGoobies.
Speaker: My first time headlining that club two days before we filmed the special.
Speaker: Only two days.
Speaker: That's my last run of the show before I lock it up for good.
Speaker: I'm not glad I had a stroke.
Speaker: I'm not.
Speaker: But I am thrilled that I can be here today and have a little perspective, a little more gratitude.
Speaker: And a little more love for myself and everyone in this world.
Speaker: So if you're here, I love you.
Speaker: And I want you to truly take that in.
Speaker: I love you.
Speaker: And please tell somebody else the same thing today.
Speaker: Because it's for you.
Speaker: It's for them.
Speaker: It's for the entire world.
Speaker: I'll see you next time.
