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X-MAS RATED HOLIDAY ROAST
84 Plays1 year ago
TRIGGER WARNING: These holiday themed roast jokes could get your stockings in a bunch!
The holidays are here early as Alex roasts some of your favorite Christmas characters. From the Grinch to Mrs Claus, Kevin Mcallister to the Menorah, even Christmas Trees themselves aren't safe from these rotten jokes. Go put some snow up your nose and enjoy these seasonably cold burns.
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Find Alex:
Website: https://www.hoopercomedy.com/
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https://www.facebook.com/alex.hooper.334/
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Transcript
Festive Greetings and Show Introduction
00:00:01
Speaker
Merry Christmas or happy holidays, festive greetings, whatever you celebrate.
00:00:09
Speaker
Now, I'm going to warn you right now, this one might get a little bit offensive because this week I'm playing Santa at the Hollywood Improv for a Christmas roast of me, Santa Claus.
Early Holiday Episode Release
00:00:25
Speaker
And so I figured this show already happened and
00:00:30
Speaker
And because it happened last night, Friday the 22nd, I'm going to put this one out early as a special holiday gift to all of you listeners.
00:00:42
Speaker
Normally these come out on Monday.
00:00:44
Speaker
This one's coming out on
Beginning the Roast and Magic of Christmas
00:00:46
Speaker
Saturday.
00:00:46
Speaker
So you don't even have to worry about listening to it on Christmas.
00:00:51
Speaker
Although if you do, that is a special extra present that you give yourself, the gift of presents.
00:00:59
Speaker
So here we go, everybody, for the holiday Christmas roast.
00:01:06
Speaker
And to be honest, I don't know how this is going to go.
00:01:11
Speaker
I'm used to roasting chestnuts over an open fire, but roasting Christmas characters, that seems unseasonably cold.
00:01:20
Speaker
Are you getting chills yet?
00:01:21
Speaker
But something tells me.
00:01:23
Speaker
This experience will be magical because I know all of you believe in me.
Santa's Off-Color Jokes and Offensive Humor
00:01:31
Speaker
First, thank you to everyone for putting out the milk.
00:01:36
Speaker
Except those of you who put out non-dairy alternatives like I'm some sort of West Hollywood choir boy.
00:01:42
Speaker
Soy is for Mexicans who want to tell you about themselves.
00:01:46
Speaker
As Mrs. Klaus says when I'm jingling my balls on her chin, give me that old-fashioned thick cream.
00:01:55
Speaker
I didn't get festively plumped by accident.
00:01:58
Speaker
So...
00:01:59
Speaker
Let's go ahead and unwrap this present.
00:02:02
Speaker
Merry Christmas, you dirty whores!
00:02:06
Speaker
Or should I say, ho, ho, hoes?
00:02:09
Speaker
Am I still allowed to say Merry Christmas or have the woke anti-joy progressives shove that one back into their stockings?
00:02:18
Speaker
Well, I'll shove a lump of coal straight up my ass before I stop celebrating the greatest holiday in the non-Muslim world.
00:02:27
Speaker
Their Christmas is, of course, 9-11.
00:02:31
Speaker
I could fly my sleigh into a building, too, if I go a little too hard on the eggnog, and Rudolph over there won't share some of that delicious powdery snow that makes his nose light up like the end of a blunt.
00:02:47
Speaker
Speaking of Rudolph, hey, Antlerhead, I've heard of a brown noser, but a red noser?
00:02:53
Speaker
What kind of chlamydia-laden fur traps are you sticking your face in?
00:02:59
Speaker
I told you to stay away from Vixen!
00:03:03
Speaker
Leader of the reindeer?
00:03:05
Speaker
That's like being the smartest kid in special education class.
00:03:11
Speaker
I used to get picked on by the other kids too, Rudolph.
00:03:14
Speaker
Only I didn't cry about it.
00:03:16
Speaker
I simply poisoned their parents, then watched them get shipped off to a foster home to live with the other garbage children who don't get real
Inappropriate Humor and Social Commentary
00:03:25
Speaker
presents.
00:03:25
Speaker
Ha ha ha ha.
00:03:27
Speaker
By the way, why does your nose light up every time you look at Mrs. Claus's tits?
00:03:33
Speaker
If you want to get weird, I'm happy to drop the sled and instead run a train.
00:03:39
Speaker
Speaking of things that should have been aborted, it's Cindy Lou Who.
00:03:45
Speaker
I don't blame you for getting up in the middle of the night, Cindy Lou Who.
00:03:49
Speaker
Santa can't make it through the night either.
00:03:52
Speaker
I dribble more than a WNBA point guard.
00:03:56
Speaker
By the way, take a bath, sweetheart.
00:03:58
Speaker
You smell like a six-day-old roast beast.
00:04:02
Speaker
And why do you look like a little kettlebell with that hairdo?
00:04:07
Speaker
Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree.
00:04:12
Speaker
We gotta stop cutting you down for our own holiday amusement.
00:04:18
Speaker
Climate change is real.
00:04:20
Speaker
We are three years away from the North Pole becoming a tropical resort, and you do not want to see Santa in a Speedo.
00:04:29
Speaker
I may be barking up the wrong tree, but I hear if I light you up just right, you'll squirt figgy puddings.
00:04:38
Speaker
By the looks of you, you're the only Christmas tree with a Hanukkah bush.
00:04:43
Speaker
I bet your pubes are more tangled than your lights when you took them out of the box.
00:04:48
Speaker
You look great now, but soon you'll be like all the other homeless here in Hollywood.
00:04:53
Speaker
Filthy, rotting, sleeping on the side of the curb, and covered in the urine of a hundred dogs.
00:05:02
Speaker
Oh, the menorah.
00:05:04
Speaker
Okay, this is embarrassing, but I don't really know you.
00:05:08
Speaker
You're a symbol of that other religion, and Santa don't really fucks with that.
00:05:14
Speaker
I support Jews, of course.
00:05:17
Speaker
Any house that I get to skip is a win in my book.
00:05:20
Speaker
Although, I can say, thanks for the films,
Roasting Christmas Characters and Celebrities
00:05:24
Speaker
Hollywood.
00:05:24
Speaker
But also...
00:05:26
Speaker
Fuck you for thinking Tim Allen was the best choice to play me.
00:05:31
Speaker
Oh, there are so many better people than the guy that goes... You've been a bad boy lately, Mr. Minora.
00:05:39
Speaker
Bombing innocent children?
00:05:41
Speaker
In my religion, we don't kill the children.
00:05:44
Speaker
We just force them to blow us.
00:05:47
Speaker
Isn't that right, Mr. Scrooge?
00:05:51
Speaker
Mr. Ebenezer, did I see your pants stiffen when I mentioned pedophilia?
00:05:56
Speaker
Actually, Scrooge, I have nothing bad to say about you.
00:05:59
Speaker
I mean not giving money to the poor, overworking your laborers, especially that little Cratchit fellow.
00:06:06
Speaker
Only a true evil miser would do such a thing.
00:06:10
Speaker
We run our factory the same way.
00:06:13
Speaker
So respect, old man.
00:06:15
Speaker
You look like Gandalf if he ran an orphanage.
00:06:19
Speaker
You've got more lines in your face than I've put up my nose.
00:06:24
Speaker
Look at that mug!
00:06:25
Speaker
Your skin is so loose it might as well be Mrs. Claus's pussy after the elves give her some schnapps!
00:06:33
Speaker
I told you all this might get a little filthy and offensive.
00:06:37
Speaker
Mrs. Claus, I'm sorry I had trouble giving you my North Pole, but hey baby, it's cold outside, and you know I have trouble getting my Yule Log up when I forget to take a Cialis.
00:06:52
Speaker
Sometimes I look at you and it takes me back to when we first met.
00:06:57
Speaker
I told you I wanted to visit every child in the world, and you told me that you always had a thing for Chris D'Elia.
00:07:04
Speaker
Be still, my heart, be still.
00:07:08
Speaker
Love at first sight.
00:07:10
Speaker
Behind every great man, there is a great woman, pegging him to assert dominance.
00:07:16
Speaker
And you, Mrs. Claus, are an incredible worker.
00:07:20
Speaker
Your shop produces more toys than a Chinese doll factory.
00:07:25
Speaker
I wish we could have had children, but alas, I got a sled and you had a miscarriage.
00:07:32
Speaker
Too bad this next roasty didn't turn into an unborn puddle of sludge.
00:07:36
Speaker
It's Kevin McAllister, the trout sniffer, the nosy little pervert, or as the French would say, your career will be over in two years.
00:07:48
Speaker
You, Kevin, are just like Hamas, taking all of your hatred out on the Jews because they decided to occupy your home.
00:07:57
Speaker
You're lucky you're a white boy.
00:07:59
Speaker
If Home Alone 2 had been about a black child, it would have been over the second he walked into the Plaza Hotel.
00:08:06
Speaker
The rest of the movie would have been you huddled under a bridge with the pigeon lady.
00:08:11
Speaker
What a grade A sissy wagon you are.
00:08:15
Speaker
Crying because there were toppings on your pizza?
00:08:18
Speaker
I visit starving children all over the world that would happily suck the taint of a sewer rat just to get some nutrition.
00:08:26
Speaker
Merry Christmas, you filthy animal.
00:08:30
Speaker
Ah, finally, the Grinch.
00:08:33
Speaker
My nemesis.
00:08:35
Speaker
Did you eat some bad shrimp, Grinchy?
00:08:37
Speaker
You're looking a little green.
00:08:40
Speaker
What are you supposed to be, anyway?
00:08:42
Speaker
You look like a moldy cactus who stepped into a cloning machine with a pug.
00:08:48
Speaker
I hope you take it easy at the company party this year.
00:08:51
Speaker
Last year, the elves caught you shooting rubbing alcohol with a codeine cough syrup chaser.
00:08:57
Speaker
Your heart may have grown three sizes, but that isn't love.
00:09:01
Speaker
It's cardiomegali.
00:09:03
Speaker
If Mount Crumpet doesn't have a good doctor, you'll be dead before the Whoville kids find out who stole their presents.
Concluding the Roast and Self-Promotion
00:09:10
Speaker
And just like that, I must be going.
00:09:14
Speaker
Jolly old Saint Nick has a lot of work to do.
00:09:17
Speaker
Oh, who am I kidding?
00:09:19
Speaker
I'm the CEO of Christmas, the Jeff Bezos, the Elon Musk.
00:09:24
Speaker
I work my little elves until they are so broken the only job left for them is to be horse jockeys.
00:09:31
Speaker
And with that, Merry Christmas to all and all.
00:09:36
Speaker
Who cares?
00:09:37
Speaker
Fuck you.
00:09:40
Speaker
But please, buy tickets to my show at the Hollywood Improv on January 7th.
00:09:45
Speaker
Magoobies in Baltimore on January 10th.
00:09:48
Speaker
And of course, my new special, Brace Yourself, is coming on January 12th.
00:09:55
Speaker
I'm filming in Bridgeport, Connecticut.
00:09:57
Speaker
Tickets are available, but they are moving fast.
00:10:00
Speaker
So go get them, everybody.
00:10:02
Speaker
I hope you shared this roast.
00:10:04
Speaker
Go ahead and cancel me.
00:10:06
Speaker
I could use the exposure.
00:10:07
Speaker
Mwah!