Transcript
Speaker: Merry Christmas or happy holidays, festive greetings, whatever you celebrate.
Speaker: Now, I'm going to warn you right now, this one might get a little bit offensive because this week I'm playing Santa at the Hollywood Improv for a Christmas roast of me, Santa Claus.
Speaker: And so I figured this show already happened and
Speaker: And because it happened last night, Friday the 22nd, I'm going to put this one out early as a special holiday gift to all of you listeners.
Speaker: Normally these come out on Monday.
Speaker: This one's coming out on Saturday.
Speaker: So you don't even have to worry about listening to it on Christmas.
Speaker: Although if you do, that is a special extra present that you give yourself, the gift of presents.
Speaker: So here we go, everybody, for the holiday Christmas roast.
Speaker: And to be honest, I don't know how this is going to go.
Speaker: I'm used to roasting chestnuts over an open fire, but roasting Christmas characters, that seems unseasonably cold.
Speaker: Are you getting chills yet?
Speaker: But something tells me.
Speaker: This experience will be magical because I know all of you believe in me.
Speaker: First, thank you to everyone for putting out the milk.
Speaker: Except those of you who put out non-dairy alternatives like I'm some sort of West Hollywood choir boy.
Speaker: Soy is for Mexicans who want to tell you about themselves.
Speaker: As Mrs. Klaus says when I'm jingling my balls on her chin, give me that old-fashioned thick cream.
Speaker: I didn't get festively plumped by accident.
Speaker: So...
Speaker: Let's go ahead and unwrap this present.
Speaker: Merry Christmas, you dirty whores!
Speaker: Or should I say, ho, ho, hoes?
Speaker: Am I still allowed to say Merry Christmas or have the woke anti-joy progressives shove that one back into their stockings?
Speaker: Well, I'll shove a lump of coal straight up my ass before I stop celebrating the greatest holiday in the non-Muslim world.
Speaker: Their Christmas is, of course, 9-11.
Speaker: I could fly my sleigh into a building, too, if I go a little too hard on the eggnog, and Rudolph over there won't share some of that delicious powdery snow that makes his nose light up like the end of a blunt.
Speaker: Speaking of Rudolph, hey, Antlerhead, I've heard of a brown noser, but a red noser?
Speaker: What kind of chlamydia-laden fur traps are you sticking your face in?
Speaker: I told you to stay away from Vixen!
Speaker: Leader of the reindeer?
Speaker: That's like being the smartest kid in special education class.
Speaker: I used to get picked on by the other kids too, Rudolph.
Speaker: Only I didn't cry about it.
Speaker: I simply poisoned their parents, then watched them get shipped off to a foster home to live with the other garbage children who don't get real presents.
Speaker: Ha ha ha ha.
Speaker: By the way, why does your nose light up every time you look at Mrs. Claus's tits?
Speaker: If you want to get weird, I'm happy to drop the sled and instead run a train.
Speaker: Speaking of things that should have been aborted, it's Cindy Lou Who.
Speaker: I don't blame you for getting up in the middle of the night, Cindy Lou Who.
Speaker: Santa can't make it through the night either.
Speaker: I dribble more than a WNBA point guard.
Speaker: By the way, take a bath, sweetheart.
Speaker: You smell like a six-day-old roast beast.
Speaker: And why do you look like a little kettlebell with that hairdo?
Speaker: Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree.
Speaker: We gotta stop cutting you down for our own holiday amusement.
Speaker: Climate change is real.
Speaker: We are three years away from the North Pole becoming a tropical resort, and you do not want to see Santa in a Speedo.
Speaker: I may be barking up the wrong tree, but I hear if I light you up just right, you'll squirt figgy puddings.
Speaker: By the looks of you, you're the only Christmas tree with a Hanukkah bush.
Speaker: I bet your pubes are more tangled than your lights when you took them out of the box.
Speaker: You look great now, but soon you'll be like all the other homeless here in Hollywood.
Speaker: Filthy, rotting, sleeping on the side of the curb, and covered in the urine of a hundred dogs.
Speaker: Oh, the menorah.
Speaker: Okay, this is embarrassing, but I don't really know you.
Speaker: You're a symbol of that other religion, and Santa don't really fucks with that.
Speaker: I support Jews, of course.
Speaker: Any house that I get to skip is a win in my book.
Speaker: Although, I can say, thanks for the films, Hollywood.
Speaker: But also...
Speaker: Fuck you for thinking Tim Allen was the best choice to play me.
Speaker: Oh, there are so many better people than the guy that goes... You've been a bad boy lately, Mr. Minora.
Speaker: Bombing innocent children?
Speaker: In my religion, we don't kill the children.
Speaker: We just force them to blow us.
Speaker: Isn't that right, Mr. Scrooge?
Speaker: Mr. Ebenezer, did I see your pants stiffen when I mentioned pedophilia?
Speaker: Actually, Scrooge, I have nothing bad to say about you.
Speaker: I mean not giving money to the poor, overworking your laborers, especially that little Cratchit fellow.
Speaker: Only a true evil miser would do such a thing.
Speaker: We run our factory the same way.
Speaker: So respect, old man.
Speaker: You look like Gandalf if he ran an orphanage.
Speaker: You've got more lines in your face than I've put up my nose.
Speaker: Look at that mug!
Speaker: Your skin is so loose it might as well be Mrs. Claus's pussy after the elves give her some schnapps!
Speaker: I told you all this might get a little filthy and offensive.
Speaker: Mrs. Claus, I'm sorry I had trouble giving you my North Pole, but hey baby, it's cold outside, and you know I have trouble getting my Yule Log up when I forget to take a Cialis.
Speaker: Sometimes I look at you and it takes me back to when we first met.
Speaker: I told you I wanted to visit every child in the world, and you told me that you always had a thing for Chris D'Elia.
Speaker: Be still, my heart, be still.
Speaker: Love at first sight.
Speaker: Behind every great man, there is a great woman, pegging him to assert dominance.
Speaker: And you, Mrs. Claus, are an incredible worker.
Speaker: Your shop produces more toys than a Chinese doll factory.
Speaker: I wish we could have had children, but alas, I got a sled and you had a miscarriage.
Speaker: Too bad this next roasty didn't turn into an unborn puddle of sludge.
Speaker: It's Kevin McAllister, the trout sniffer, the nosy little pervert, or as the French would say, your career will be over in two years.
Speaker: You, Kevin, are just like Hamas, taking all of your hatred out on the Jews because they decided to occupy your home.
Speaker: You're lucky you're a white boy.
Speaker: If Home Alone 2 had been about a black child, it would have been over the second he walked into the Plaza Hotel.
Speaker: The rest of the movie would have been you huddled under a bridge with the pigeon lady.
Speaker: What a grade A sissy wagon you are.
Speaker: Crying because there were toppings on your pizza?
Speaker: I visit starving children all over the world that would happily suck the taint of a sewer rat just to get some nutrition.
Speaker: Merry Christmas, you filthy animal.
Speaker: Ah, finally, the Grinch.
Speaker: My nemesis.
Speaker: Did you eat some bad shrimp, Grinchy?
Speaker: You're looking a little green.
Speaker: What are you supposed to be, anyway?
Speaker: You look like a moldy cactus who stepped into a cloning machine with a pug.
Speaker: I hope you take it easy at the company party this year.
Speaker: Last year, the elves caught you shooting rubbing alcohol with a codeine cough syrup chaser.
Speaker: Your heart may have grown three sizes, but that isn't love.
Speaker: It's cardiomegali.
Speaker: If Mount Crumpet doesn't have a good doctor, you'll be dead before the Whoville kids find out who stole their presents.
Speaker: And just like that, I must be going.
Speaker: Jolly old Saint Nick has a lot of work to do.
Speaker: Oh, who am I kidding?
Speaker: I'm the CEO of Christmas, the Jeff Bezos, the Elon Musk.
Speaker: I work my little elves until they are so broken the only job left for them is to be horse jockeys.
Speaker: And with that, Merry Christmas to all and all.
Speaker: Who cares?
Speaker: Fuck you.
Speaker: But please, buy tickets to my show at the Hollywood Improv on January 7th.
Speaker: Magoobies in Baltimore on January 10th.
Speaker: And of course, my new special, Brace Yourself, is coming on January 12th.
Speaker: I'm filming in Bridgeport, Connecticut.
Speaker: Tickets are available, but they are moving fast.
Speaker: So go get them, everybody.
Speaker: I hope you shared this roast.
Speaker: Go ahead and cancel me.
Speaker: I could use the exposure.
Speaker: Mwah!
