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The Uniquely Transforming Power of Group Story Work- Pt. 1
35 Plays1 month ago
So maybe for a while now you have been exploring your story--the formative incidents from growing up that have left their mark on you, for both good and ill. It's one thing to do that on your own, maybe even with the help of your favorite podcast.
Some of you may have even experienced how story work goes to a whole different level when you do it one on one, under the care and guidance of a seasoned counselor like Wendy, or a story work coach like Chris.
But why would anyone ever even THINK of diving down into the details of your story in a group setting? Isn't that just a recipe for making you feel even greater shame? Why would anyone EVER want to do that, and how could it possibly make a difference in your healing journey?
Join Wendy and Chris for Part 1 of this lively and frank discussion of the distinct ways that God has used story work groups to bring about deeper and longer lasting change and healing for each of them individually, as well as growth and greater intimacy in their marriage. You might be surprised at how it works, and how you can experience similar healing and transformation.
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Transcript
Introduction to Surviving Saturday
00:00:04
Speaker
Welcome to Surviving Saturday, a podcast about holding on to hope in the midst of life's difficulties, disappointments, and dark seasons. Times like that remind us of the agony and despair the followers of Jesus felt on the Saturday of Easter weekend, in between the Friday on which he was crucified and the Sunday on which he rose from the dead.
00:00:23
Speaker
That someday forever changed the way that humans can relate to God. But what does it look like to be honest about the very real pain we experience in the in-between? To fervently cling to hope in the God who promised us his peace and his presence at times when he feels distant or even cruel.
Meet the Hosts: Wendy and Chris Osborne
00:00:40
Speaker
I'm Wendy Osborne, a licensed counselor in Charlotte, North Carolina. And I'm her husband, Chris, a marriage mediator, conflict resolution coach, and trauma-informed story work coach.
00:00:51
Speaker
Join us each episode for authentic conversations about how life not turning out as we'd expected has created the contextual soil for the growth of a tenacious hope in the resurrection and in a God who is still making all things new.
Patience and Advent: Wendy's Personal Challenges
00:01:07
Speaker
Hi, so we are back. Chris is with me today. Hey folks. We are sitting by our fire surrounded by our pets. One of them being a very real dog who I have a very real feeling they bark to go in and out as we were talking. um So we are wrapping up the first week of the season of Advent.
00:01:32
Speaker
And this time of year tends to make me think about places that I'm waiting, that I'm waiting for healing, that I'm waiting for a more intimate encounter with Jesus in some area of my life where I'm feeling pain. And so Not my favorite topic, by the way. ah don't I don't tend to wait well. right weight Waiting is not fun for me. I usually have to find a way to occupy myself otherwise. An idea of torture for me is you have to go just sit somewhere and wait, and you don't have any distraction or anything to read or listen to. That sounds painful. Yeah, it can be painful. I'm learning i'm learning to embrace it differently. but
00:02:20
Speaker
um So I'm gonna read a poem I wrote sometime this past year and the specifics behind it, the details behind the writing um have been an emphasis of my personal healing work in the last couple of years. This is called Before and Then After.
Poetry and Reflection on Hope and Reality
00:02:47
Speaker
There was a before with all its hopes and expectations, its dreams and aspirations that came with paintings in my imagination and anticipatory joy that flooded my heart as I mentally rehearsed the future. Somewhere along the way, I stepped over an invisible threshold into the after.
00:03:12
Speaker
The landscape out here is foreign to me. The mountains have holes so that I can peek into what I always thought would be just enough to be reminded that I'm not there. The flowers in this region are different, brighter and perkier in lots of ways, very unfamiliar in others. Their designs don't adhere to those on the other side of the door. And I wonder if they will fit into the vases I have brought with me.
00:03:42
Speaker
Their scents are of longing and also of hope. My head swivels atop my shoulders as I scan then and now and all the steps and spaces in between. How did I get here? Did I miss the fork and the path that must have preceded the entryway to here? Did complacency fuel distraction and lead me to miss the right trail?
00:04:08
Speaker
The signposts for the narrow way would have most certainly been small and slender and likely to elude my sight. Did I love too much? Did I choose blindness to holiness? Did I not listen to the right voices and step outside the circle of blessing the way those parenting books warned me I might? Do I not know the Savior's voice and then got led astray?
00:04:36
Speaker
What is wrong with me? Surely this new world is not the right world. Where is Jesus anyway? I'm scanning the horizon, but my eyes can't locate a space, much less his hands coming to save. As I collapse, I wonder if maybe he sees me and if he holds a hidden plan.
00:05:02
Speaker
I wonder if I can ever call this new and thoroughly unexpected land beautiful. If I could perhaps settle down and expect goodness to come here to me. With head on the earth and hands open to the sky, I cry out, show yourself to me, Lord Jesus, and quickly. Wow, and thank you.
00:05:28
Speaker
Thanks for sharing that. what What's it like even just to read that? And the more people might hear it. and Yeah, some of my clients have heard it. um And you know, it's just a reminder. I am still and hope to always be on my own personal journey of healing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
00:05:52
Speaker
um I was really struck by, I really liked the verse in there where you said, I wonder if the the flowers I've carried from where I've been, or the vase if the vases here can hold the the flower from what I've had.
00:06:08
Speaker
that feels really powerful to me. yeah Just is there room in where I am in sort of a different place that I never expected to be? Is there room? What is the place for the memories of what's come before? yeah um And is it all going to integrate together when it feels kind of disconnected and foreign?
00:06:29
Speaker
yep yeah And then I like also the expectancy, I guess, at the end. I thought it was really beautiful. The still longing, you know, bringing questions to Jesus and kind of longing and asking him to come. And being sort of, it sounds like a movement towards a more openness yeah of like, I'm wondering if Jesus can meet me in different ways than maybe I've experienced him before. Does that resonate? oh yeah i think in the before, if you will, like when I had life planned out, and I thought I knew how different details would go, yeah and quite honestly probably thought I was in charge of that, I had Jesus equally mapped out, and he fit the before, and he fit the the plans I had for my life and for him then.
00:07:28
Speaker
And as life changed, and I would say that is commonly the way it goes, um he had to change because I had kept him in a smaller, maybe a more regimented box. um And I needed, I have needed, I do need,
00:07:56
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him to fit this world that I now live in. yes And you know I think often of his creation, he made the world, he made every tribe and nation. I mean, we're all gonna be in heaven together.
00:08:15
Speaker
And he's omniscient, like he knows our lives are gonna take different twists and turns. And so I believe he's there in all the twists and turns. But when I've held more, with more restriction on how life should be, if I were to call it good, then I've kept him more narrowly defined.
00:08:40
Speaker
yeah But it feels like that's a reasonable segue to kind of the the topic that we were wanting to to talk about on this episode of Surviving Saturday. And that's kind of, we were we were kind of comparing notes on ways that Jesus has met us and brought healing in a different way, kind of in more group or collective context.
Group Healing and Story Sharing
00:09:03
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And we were kind of,
00:09:05
Speaker
just thinking through just different group experiences that we've both gotten to have in recent years a lot around work we've done at the Allender Center and and groups sort of adjacent to that. And I know we were comparing notes, we both, you know, there's a way in which God has manifested himself in a in a kind of fresh and different way. which was that Is that a way a fair way to to capture it? Yeah, and I think even like the story lines and the pain that that poem I just read represent. I've worked on in my individual counseling and also in a couple of different groups. Yeah and so what we want to kind of talk about today is what how is it doing any kind of work on our stories in a group
00:09:56
Speaker
How is that something that's different? It's a good compliment to it's not necessarily a substitute for but it's a great compliment to? around individual you know counseling work and and we want to think about to you how how is the kind of group experience we're talking about different just from a, like a Bible study, a small group, a community group, life group, whatever nomenclature people might use, what's different about a a story group? Kind of like the ones that we might do you know for couples and that that we've had the chance to do. Where would you say that sort of starts? I mean, I would say the groups I've been a part of, the healing groups,
00:10:36
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that I've participated in and the ones that I've led, there is a commitment on the part of every participant and the leader yeah that you are there for your own healing, but also for the sake of each other person in the group. Yes. And so it's not an instructional group. It's not like a group that comes together for education. Right. You'll learn things.
00:11:06
Speaker
but it's not like a ah teaching or instructional design. right It's meant for personal reflection, but also letting other people participate yes in the aspect, in the communal aspect of healing. Yes. The way I would describe it is, and and I've felt it, especially each time when I've arrived for either a week or a weekend or something where where it's this kind of group work that's going to happen. It starts for me with this feeling of just being relaxed.
00:11:40
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and and mine have been, well, I've had some that were co-ed and some that were just men, but there's a little bit of a different vibe when you know that's what you're there to do. Like, we're here because hard stuff has happened or we've been involved in hard, difficult things.
00:11:58
Speaker
made a wreck of our lives or it's been wrecked on us or whatever and there's sort of a sense of can we get down to the real of things and let's not beat around the bush and you know try to put on airs like oh my gosh my life's great how's yours you know it sort of takes that off the table like we wouldn't be here if life were working great so let's don't pretend that.
00:12:20
Speaker
um There's something relaxing about that. Now, what's interesting though is even in that context though, I guess people still show up kind of with their own, you call it styles of relating or ways of kind of interacting. Well, I think that, you know, and we've said this, I think on here before, I served this conversation with lots of my clients, but the way that we learn to relate to other people stems from our early life experiences where we're trying to figure out what it will take for us to gain the connection that we want and to avoid as much pain as possible. that's a great way of And so I either learn to be the sweet one or the funny one or the really smart one or the helpful one or whatever it might be. And these will often kind of morph into roles in the family.
00:13:06
Speaker
But then we continue to live life and we begin to like add on or subtract like, oh, people actually tend to like me and come close when I'm funny, but I'm also a little take charge or I'm tough and nothing bothers me and no one has to worry about me. And so as many times as I have had my awareness of how I probably show up,
00:13:35
Speaker
named in an individual counseling session, the experience is very different in a group where I see the effect and the impact of how I show up. Yes, I think so one of the hallmarks would be that there's in these kind of groups, the process it itself counts. Like how everybody comes and shows up is part of the substance of what's gonna be discussed. yeah We're gonna be able to name, there's a freedom to name, so-and-so is always spiritualizing, or so-and-so doesn't wanna talk at all, and it's not in a gotcha, catch you, you know, that's bad, but it's just, isn't it interesting? you know Can we observe it? um You were telling me earlier a story about one of your groups where
00:14:19
Speaker
You had a powerful experience of that. This was like seven years ago, but I was in a group committed to healing and everybody had different life experiences, but we had all been grouped together um trying to seek Jesus in our own lives.
00:14:41
Speaker
And so I shared a story of deep pain and I finished and nobody said anything. And I was crushed. And part of the backstory is I had spent most if not all of my life up until then minimizing my pain. I'm like, it's fine. Don't worry. I'm good.
00:15:04
Speaker
Nothing, like that will happen, but I am so good. Don't worry about me. And so I've ventured out and shared something more honestly and left it hanging and nobody said anything. And so I sat there at first hating my own decision to be vulnerable. yeah I'm like, this is why I don't do it. Exactly. And so I said something to the effect. Like I continued to encourage and I said,
00:15:34
Speaker
um I'm so hurt no one's saying anything. And the leader said, well, I, for one, feel like you actually don't want us to come in very close to what you've shared.
00:15:46
Speaker
And I was like, oh, absolutely not. I am so desperate for y'all to say something. And she said, would you be o okay if we go around the room yeah and let people know how they're experiencing it? And so I was like, okay. And so everybody, one by one, like held their arm out as if to say, we feel like you're keeping us at arm's length.
00:16:08
Speaker
yeah And I was like that makes no sense to me because I'm inside Desperate that you would say yes But when you have seven people who all courageously because surely there would have been one person who was soft enough to go Oh, no, no, no, you didn't do that, but they all had integrity and they were willing to show me No, we really feel that you want us to listen and observe but not come in close. Yeah and So I had to sit with that and I had to realize, oh wow, there is something on my face or in my body language or maybe even in my tone of voice that says, listen,
00:16:48
Speaker
but I do not trust you to enter into this with me. And that was my own fear of if they got in close, they might admonish me or do something to bring harm.
Vulnerability and Personal Growth in Groups
00:17:02
Speaker
And so ah thankfully I was able to listen to it and say, well, let me say,
00:17:09
Speaker
from the bottom of my heart. I want you all in this story with me and this experience. And they showed up so beautifully. I was going to say, yeah, how did they respond when you, when you did that? Well, it's been so long. I don't remember the specifics, but I remember the tenderness. It was like,
00:17:30
Speaker
I had kept them maybe at the base of my front porch, and I was like, I'm gonna peek through the front window and say some things, but you'll stay out there. And then it's like, I was able to open the front door, and they stepped in just right over the threshold. like They weren't pushy, they didn't pounce, but just enough for me to feel not locked away all alone. Yes, and there was something about,
00:17:59
Speaker
like your affect or something must have changed from how you first said it, like why aren't y'all saying anything? Something changed in how you really said, I really want care.
00:18:12
Speaker
Right, and I don't think in the moment I would have thought that it came out of my mouth any differently. Right, exactly. um And I think that's usually the case for most of us. Right. But I had to listen to the group, but I also had to trust that these were good humans. Yes. And so what I do know is they did not rebuke me like see this is why we didn't come in but now you've changed the way you're talking and we're willing to yeah we didn't feel like a triumph thing yeah no there was nothing they they I think probably they started saying thank you because we really want to be there will you open the door yes
00:18:54
Speaker
Well, and that's very similar to the experience I had in a very similar group, actually, differently later than you. But um the way I showed up in this group was fairly typical for me, especially more so at the time.
00:19:10
Speaker
but i I escape or cover with words. I can talk around anything. The more nervous or dysregulated I get, the more words come out, you know typically for me. And even in this group where I'm trying to you know care for people and learn how to care for people, there are times I'm i'm flowing with words you know and all, and I had consistent feedback from multiple people. They're like,
00:19:33
Speaker
We don't necessarily need all that from you. And and one one guy who is is still a friend now put it beautifully like at the end of this group when we were sort of giving blessings and sort of naming what you had seen. And all he said, you know, Chris, you have these words and your your words are kind of like a cloak. and And cloaks can be so good for so many things. They can bring warmth. They can bring shelter and refuge for people.
00:19:58
Speaker
but they also can be a great place to hide. And they could you know mask. yeah and and But what he said was beautiful because he he didn't make me feel judged or like, um well, that's the shitty thing I do. you know He's like, I just want you to know we want the person behind the cloak. We have seen that person some and we really like that and want more of that.
00:20:23
Speaker
And it was so, you know, I got what he was saying, it left an impression on me of, watch out, what am I doing with my words? Am I using them well? But it also, I felt i felt loved and seen in a different way. we And I've done you know work before in style of relating, but a lot of times it comes across like, it's a gotcha, aha, there you go, being that guy again, you know. And this was more of a,
00:20:47
Speaker
hey we want you to be honest and real and authentic not because it's your duty or not because well that's how God will reward you or that's the only way you get out of this it was an invitation like we see the real self behind that and we actually want you to bring it so it can receive love and care. And that was new for me too, like a group of people who are not wanting something from me, but just wanting me. I'm used to being in front of them, I'm a teacher, I'm a lecturer or whatever. I can feed off a room full of people and give them what they want for some person like that. This was different, they were like, we don't want the show, we don't want the side show. When I think even that, I can give them what they want so that what? So that I'm loved. That's the thing. I'm really trying to get accolades for me. And that's sort of what they were saying. You don't have to do all that. You're loved and appreciated here without your way of trying to get that.
00:21:50
Speaker
yeah So that then sort of leads to another takeaway, another point that we were describing about how story is handled differently in groups like this. um Can you speak a little bit to what story work looks like in terms of how we handle stories? We're not just getting a sense of, oh, the theme of your life is this, and now we can kind of wrap that up, but rather, what does it look like to go into a story and kind of engage in it with somebody?
00:22:18
Speaker
Well, I think that the first thing I would say is God really is altering stories in each of our lives. I think scripture is clear. And so often, like my poem, the before and the after, we want our story to appear one way, yes to be one way, to appear to others, but also we want to be living a particular story. And life often doesn't go that way. And so we find ways to maneuver and to be frank, become deceptive about what the story is we're living.
00:22:55
Speaker
And scripture is also clear that it is the truth that will set us free. And so until I reckon before God, and I believe with witnesses often of other humans, other good humans, um about the reality of what I'm living,
00:23:13
Speaker
then I can't really achieve healing. I mean, God can do anything He wants to. sure Let's be clear of that. But like, it takes naming what needs healing yeah for me to be willing to seek it. Yes. And I would say it it takes a special kind of person you said you know real humans, but like humans good humans who could so expand on that good meaning what in the sense good humans meaning humans who are willing to grapple with the brokenness of the world the unrelenting nature of evil and the vastness of God yes, and I would add
00:24:00
Speaker
people who are unmistakably for me.
Authenticity and Vulnerability: Join the Samson Society
00:24:04
Speaker
Like, I can sense their desire for good in me. That is what they lead with. That's what comes rushing in. Not, I'm gonna fix you.
00:24:15
Speaker
They're willing to see the good in others because I think frankly what I named just a second ago allows them to trust in the goodness inherent in them. Yes, yes. The imago de. And so they're not afraid of seeing it in you.
00:24:33
Speaker
Yes, um there's nothing threatening. Yeah, I was thinking about this as I was just doing exercise from my grad school this week and I was explaining Narrative therapy a little bit and all and I was supposed to tie it together with you know, the Christian approach You know to counseling and all that and I caught myself, you know referring to the story of Joseph and his brothers, and you know and at the end we get this great moment where you know, I you know, don't worry, God meant this for evil. You meant this for evil, but God meant it for good, which is a, it is a beautiful story of redemption. And it's, we don't want our stories to be reduced to, let's just find the God thread. Let's find the good God thing that, well, God was doing this out after all. And isn't that great?
00:25:19
Speaker
as a way of bypassing the hurt and the longing and the pain that God is there. Right, because Joseph didn't suddenly become healed or did his brothers or his father in the ending moment of the story. That's right. okay Healing happens in the details. Yes.
00:25:39
Speaker
And so there were years of slavery. yeah There were times of imprisonment. Like there were true grievous events. that Joseph and his brothers, when they realized what they had done, and his father who thought he was dead, you know all of that, the famine, i mean all of this was working as a series of healing experiences. yeah But if if Joseph had said, oh, none of that really bothered me,
00:26:11
Speaker
I don't know that we would have the same ending. That's exactly right. And he didn't just say, don't worry about it. God's got this. In the days he's in the prison cell, in the days he's in the pit, he suffered. He was formed into a person. Because the Joseph who was there on the farm was not the kind of guy who was going to be kind and thoughtful of other people. He was like, hey, check me out. I'm going to rule it wrong. He was quite arrogant, really. He was unaware of how he was coming across. He did not know his style of relating. to use that sort of terminology. And so he was formed through that whole story, and there's a reason we get the granular details of the story.
00:26:51
Speaker
Hey folks, we're going to pause the conversation right there and divide this conversation into two different episodes. So be on the lookout for part two of this episode of the Surviving Saturday podcast. I want to take a minute though here in this interstitial space to extend an invitation, particularly to any men out there who might be listening or ladies, maybe you can pass this invitation on. to your guy if you think it might be worthwhile. I am part of a nationwide organization, really an international organization called the Sampson Society. And the Sampson Society is a fellowship of Christian men who are serious about authentic relationship and authentic community.
00:27:32
Speaker
humility and recovery, particularly from various forms of addiction, brokenness in relationships, anything kind of, any kind of hidden struggles or difficulties that men may have had. If you want to find out more about what Samsung Society is about, you can check out the website SamsungSociety.com and also they have a fantastic podcast that is called the Pirate Monk Podcast. Pirate and then monk-like Monk in a Monastery. The name comes from a book that was written by a pastor named Nate Larkin back in early 2000s called Samson and the Pirate Monks calling him into authentic brotherhood and that's another way you could learn about the organization as well. This man A.
00:28:13
Speaker
real great blessing to me in finding some honest, real, down-to-earth brothers to walk with, to share honestly about what's going on in our lives. It's really some of my favorite people that I've encountered have been through the same society. It's people who get this idea of being on a journey and doing work to understand why we are the way we are, why we react and operate the ways that we do, particularly when we're stressed and lonely and frustrated and all things like that and it's a great just fellowship and a positive just an alternative to to what you might find out there sometimes if you know a community in your church or in your normal circles of friends is not really coming out like you'd like it.
00:29:00
Speaker
Why I'm mentioning it now is because I am actually one of the co-chairs of the Charlotte Chapter, which now meets on Wednesday nights in Matthews. And so if you have any interest at all in just coming and checking out and meeting sometime and seeing what we're all about and meeting some of the other really great guys who are involved, please shoot me an email at chris at nurture counseling dot net and I'd be glad to give you some more information and let you find out when and where we meet and see if you want to come by and visit, pop in. You don't have to say anything, you don't have to do anything. and I can show you other ways to get involved in the organization as well. So again, just shoot me an email if you're interested and we'd love to have you come and visit sometime. Take care and we'll see you on the next episode of the Strive Vibing Saturday Podcast.