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Should I Cry In Front Of My Kid & Why Is Starting Therapy As A Parent So Scary?
965 Plays2 months ago
Miss Beth sits down with Jamie Kreiter, a therapist and Big City mom, to explore some of the most pressing issues in early childhood development and parenting like getting ready for your child to go to school, repair, and why some moms might hesitate about starting therapy.
Jamie and Beth tackle the bittersweet experience of sending a child off to kindergarten and the importance of naming and acknowledging feelings. They explore whether or not it's okay to cry in front of your child, dispel common misinformation about gentle and respectful parenting, and teaching, and discuss why it’s crucial not to let your child become your emotional support.
The conversation shifts to practical advice on how to model self-advocacy for your child and how to 'hack your brain' to foster better mental health. They emphasize the importance of positive self-talk for kids and introduce "The Magical Yet," a growth mindset book that’s perfect for encouraging resilience in young readers.
Jamie also shares her personal experience taking Big City Readers classes, adding a humorous touch by questioning whether she even knows how to read as an adult. The two also talk about smut as a genre and feelings around it.
Key Topics Discussed:
- Understanding trauma and why some moms avoid therapy
- Types of therapy for moms
- Dealing with intrusive thoughts as a new mom
- Grieving when your child starts kindergarten
- The importance of naming feelings
- Should you cry in front of your child?
- Why your child shouldn’t console you
- Teaching your child to advocate for themselves
- Hacking your brain for better mental health
- Positive self-talk and the power of "The Magical Yet"
Resources Mentioned:
- Magical Yet: amazon.com/shop/bigcityreaders
- Kindergarten course: click here
Connect with Us:
- Follow Big City Readers on Instagram: @bigcityreaders
- Learn more about Jamie Kreiter and her work: Nurture Therapy
Subscribe & Review: If you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe and leave a review! Your feedback helps us reach more parents and educators who can benefit from these conversations.
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Transcript
Helping Kids Manage Stress
00:00:04
Speaker
If kids are feeling stressed about that, like saying like, okay, we need to right size this problem. You know what I've learned is that nothing is crazy. And everything is crazy, but if it works for someone, it works for you. I'm not going to be there in kindergarten. There's some grief that comes with it.
Avoiding Therapy and Kindergarten Preparation
00:00:27
Speaker
Okay, welcome back to the plan words podcast. It's Miss Beth and I'm here with my friend and big city mom and therapist Jamie and we are going to talk today about some of the reasons that you might not want to go to therapy. We're going to talk about how to get yourself ready for your child to go to kindergarten because we have the therapist in our ear here telling us her own practices of how she's prepping both her child and herself. And we're going to talk about some red flags and green flags, maybe when looking for a therapist and what we're currently reading.
Nurture Therapy Introduction
00:01:06
Speaker
So ah Jamie, welcome.
00:01:08
Speaker
Hi, Miss Beth. How are you? Good. So why don't you tell us a little bit about you. You have two kids, you're in Chicago, and you're a therapist, and you own a private practice. So I'm Jamie k Crater. I live in Chicago. I have two kids. I have a daughter who is five and a half and a son who's two and a half.
00:01:26
Speaker
And I own a practice called nurture therapy. We're a women's counseling practice. We support birthing individuals and their families throughout the reproductive journey. So I have several therapists that work in the practice and we're in eight different states. That's crazy. And birthing individuals love that.
Understanding EMDR and Trauma Therapy
00:01:44
Speaker
Um, that feels so safe already. Like if I'm listening to this, I'm like, Oh, I can go here. i was I'm in the business of parents and babies. I'm a parent with babies myself. It's a nice center.
00:01:56
Speaker
it Yeah. Do you have a favorite type of parent to work with? So my ideal client is a first-time mom who's experiencing postpartum anxiety or intrusive thoughts, postpartum OCD. There isn't a intrusive thought. I haven't heard. Really? Yeah. I've heard them all, experienced some myself. um And I also work with a lot of but people who've experienced birth trauma. i do I'm an EMDR therapist as well.
00:02:25
Speaker
Oh, I've done that. Did you like it? Yeah, I did. But one of my friends actually just asked yesterday, her sister is about to start it. And I was like, I think it's a little controversial, people
Trending Trauma Release Methods
00:02:37
Speaker
say. Is it or no? It's definitely gotten more popularity. But it's always been an evidence-based practice. So it started in the 1980s by Francis Shapiro. And it's one of the most researched methods for trauma. So it's actually pretty good. The idea is it gets things unstuck in the brain.
00:02:55
Speaker
There's lots of ways to get trauma unstuck. This is just one of the ways. I love it. Wait. Okay. So speaking
Intrusive Thoughts in Parents
00:03:01
Speaker
of ways to get trauma unstuck, what do you think about this is trending now of people talking about shaking to like get your trauma moving through your body? yeah But do you think this is crazy? You know what I've learned is that nothing is crazy.
00:03:14
Speaker
you know And everything is crazy. But you if it works for someone, it works for you. That's so true. Sometimes I do something that I'm like, maybe this is a placebo, but it's working for me. So I'm going to do it. yeah Okay, so you were talking about intrusive thoughts. I have like talked to a lot of parents that I think both clients and friends that say like that they have intrusive thoughts, or they're like afraid to admit that they have them because You know, what if I say this thought and people are going to think like, Oh no, we need to like lock her up. So I can't go to therapy or I can't share what's inside my head. Like, do you have people that say that to you or what would you say to that mom? So I ask every person who I talk to about intrusive thoughts and I ask in a really specific way. So first I normalize, I say, you know, have you had any thoughts that are distressing to you? It's really, really common, especially in new parenthood. And then I ask if this has ever happened to them.
00:04:09
Speaker
right So like they are not their thoughts. If has this has ever happened to you, usually people say no. Then I give a little bit more insight about what it is. They're unwanted, repetitive, usually intrusive thoughts around something bad happening.
00:04:22
Speaker
Like if you're like running down the stairs and like you drop your baby because you're like wearing socks and the stairs are hardwood. And and you can see it happening, right? Like you see things falling under your arms and it's so distressing and it's really, really upsetting. So after I explain it, most of the people say, oh yeah, I've had that. So I get to give it a name. It's called intrusive thoughts. I get to say how common it is. 90% of moms and 81% of dads and partners experience intrusive thoughts.
00:04:51
Speaker
And I also get to say, your thoughts are not predictive. You're more likely to, in that example, take your socks off when you walk up the stairs or not walk up the stairs with the
Managing Kids' Anxiety
00:05:00
Speaker
baby. And you're more likely to keep that baby securely safe in your arms. Research also says that someone who has an intrusive thought is no more likely for that thought to happen than someone who's never ever had an intrusive thought.
00:05:12
Speaker
I always think that's really reassuring. I know. Isn't that interesting? This is reminding me of like tips I'll give to parents with kids that are having anxiety. So I always like to say two things. One, name it to tame it, right? So like just saying to your child, like they're crying because they don't want to go to school instead of like, you're going to be fine. You have so much fun. But like saying it, oh my gosh, you haven't been to school in so long. long, it's feeling different. We had such a fun summer together. Our days have looked like me and you spending a lot of time together. It feels different. Like, and that feels a little bit scary. And like helping your kids name it, you have to do that with yourself too. And then then we can tame it. And then also anxiety, I like the best definition of anxiety, I think is an overestimation of the problem and an underestimation of your ability to cope with it. So like,
00:06:02
Speaker
If kids are feeling stressed about that, like saying like, okay, we need to right size this problem. So it sounds like that's what you're doing. You're right sizing the problem for them. I'm like, oh, you actually know what to do. And the problem is not that big. Actually, like you would be in the minority if you didn't have intrusive thoughts.
00:06:20
Speaker
And like you're actually safe and you do have the skills of what it takes. And so I think like that regulation, anything that you would like think of how you would regulate your child, I feel like is how we need to remember how to regulate ourselves. Totally. I also like, what's the problem right now? It makes it smaller. Yes. Not that big. What's the problem right now?
00:06:42
Speaker
Okay. Well, I want to ask you a bunch of things, but since we were on the topic of kids feeling anxious and how to regulate yourself and your child, I want to talk about maybe if you have any experience with your almost kindergartner getting ready, how you're feeling and how she's feeling. And I think the transition from preschool to kindergarten, like what feelings maybe are being brought up for a lot of parents.
00:07:08
Speaker
you can share your personal experiences or ones that you've had with clients. But let's dive into that. And then we can also give some practical tips to prep for kindergarten.
Kindergarten Social-Emotional Concerns
00:07:17
Speaker
Sure. I'd love that. So I have a daughter. She's going into kindergarten. I cannot believe that. She was just a baby. She was just a baby in your class. but I know. That's the biggest thing that's coming up for me. It's this how bittersweet it is. It's like the grief as a parent. Like I can't believe I have a child in kindergarten.
00:07:38
Speaker
Yeah. and She's always fine. I joke like she's fine. Like I'm the problem. Yeah, that usually is how it goes. Kids are fine. The parents the problem. Yeah. All the things that I hear people are worried about like the academics and are they ready and are they prepared for kindergarten? I'm sure I'm worried about that, but I as a therapist think about the social emotional part of being in in school and in kindergarten. So I'm more worried. Like does she have a buddy on the playground? Do you know what as an academic educator, I worry more about that too. That's what I always tell parents. I'm like kindergarten is for learning. Like you don't need to be like, Oh, are they reading? Do they know all their letters? Do they know how do this? It's all the social emotional stuff that you want to make sure not to put them in a bubble, but to actually like equip them with things like how to advocate for themselves. Like,
00:08:33
Speaker
how to like look for a friend, how to ask for help, how to go to the bathroom on their own. So like I always tell parents, work on that stuff and they're going to be safe and secure. Don't worry about the academics. So you're in a good spot. Yeah, I feel that way too. Education is important to me and to my husband. It's like, we'll get her what she needs. It doesn't have to be in kindergarten. like I want her to just have a good experience. And there's so many firsts that kids have.
00:09:02
Speaker
And it just feels like this is kind of like a different stage of first and one that I might not necessarily be there like with my camera videoing, like her first steps, right? Like I'm not going to be there in kindergarten. There's some grief that comes with it. So that's what I think about. And like I said, she's totally fine. She's like kindergarten, here I come.
Misconceptions of Gentle Parenting
00:09:24
Speaker
Is this a new school that she'll be going to too?
00:09:27
Speaker
Yes. So she has been in daycare since she was a toddler. She also did a CPS pre-K program. Okay. And so this is a different CPS, our neighborhood CPS school, Chicago Public School. Okay. And all of her friends are going to be there. So she feels really excited and, you know, I'm sure it'll be hard when we say goodbye at the door of the school, then I'll maybe cry in my car, but I'll really try not to do that in front of her.
00:09:55
Speaker
Okay, wait, so you said you're gonna try not to do that in front of her. Okay, why would you do that? Like, my question is because, okay, this is not where I meant to dive into. But as you might know, people are like, you know, there's been a new wave in parenting and a lot of people are leaning more towards gentle and respectful parenting.
00:10:16
Speaker
But I think there's a lot of misinformation about what that is so then gentle parenting gets construed in like the wrong way where it's like people think it means like I need to show my child like that I'm crying and like all these things and so then it's like no that's not what gentle parenting is like it's we're allowing the feelings as they come you don't need to like Have your child be the one that consoles you. So you just said like cry in the car. Like why? Like you're not hiding that you're crying in front of your child, but what's the best thing to do for your child in that moment? Like, can you talk more about that? Yeah.
00:10:52
Speaker
So I want my daughter's feelings to be her feelings. I don't want them to be her feelings and my feelings. I'm already doing that, right? So like if she she runs into kindergarten and like hardly says goodbye to me, like I'm going to walk out of that space feeling different. If she's hysterical, of course, like if your kid is crying, like your heart is breaking.
00:11:14
Speaker
I don't want her to worry about me. I wanna like, I've got this, like I can handle any of her feelings that come up, sadness, anxiety, fear, like I've got this, even when we don't, but I want to like her to feel not alone and also not like she has to take care of me. Like mom's upset and so I should be upset too.
00:11:36
Speaker
Yeah, that's so that is such a good reminder. I think that is like the difference I think that people miss like obviously you're not not having emotions in front of her but you are like showing her like you're her rock you're the anchor she nothing I think like when kids have a throw a fit about school or like hit their sibling or are doing any of these things like What they're really asking is, and then like they maybe say, I hate you or like they run away from you. They're really always asking, like is this too much for you? And like as the parent or as the teacher, like the
Parental Anxiety about School Transitions
00:12:08
Speaker
best thing you can do is be like, it is not too much for you because that's when the behaviors or the emotions escalate so much because kids are like, no one can handle me. And then they're scared of themselves. So I think that is... Totally, and I see that on the opposite end in adulthood, where they have these core beliefs like I'm too much, like my emotions are too much. um So I'm saying this, I know I'm a therapist, but I'm also a parent, so I'm saying this as a parent. There's two things I keep in mind with my kids. I don't want them to feel ashamed. So ashamed about who they are, ashamed about their feelings, and I don't want them to feel alone. Alone in their questions, alone in how they're feeling, and if I'm,
00:12:50
Speaker
you know, hysterical at kindergarten drop-off, she might not feel like I'm a safe person for her to go to. Now, do we sometimes shed tears in front of our kids? Of course. Do I? Of course, right? Like, but this is about, you know, what are you doing most of the time? And how can you, you know, really hold space for your kid? How can you repair? How can you talk about it after? Like, and I i say the same thing, right? You name the feeling, you name what's going on.
00:13:17
Speaker
Yeah. It makes a lot of sense that you're nervous about kindergarten. It's a new school. It's a new teacher. It's new friends. And also I know that you can do this and we're going to figure it out together. Oh, that's such a good, that' is such a good script. I always like to remind parents to like, I think we want to be like, how was school? What did you do? Blah, blah, blah. Like,
Positive Self-Talk for Kids
00:13:38
Speaker
and I always am like, okay, think about it.
00:13:40
Speaker
the first day, maybe you work from home and you close your computer and like your spouse comes in and is like, tell me, who did you talk to? Were they nice to you? What did you eat for lunch? like What did you wear today? What do you want to do later? like It's really overwhelming. You're like, I need a minute. So even with kids, like parents are like, I can't get anything out of them about how their day was. So with that, I like to say, like both both of these things. So naming their feelings. And then instead of saying like, is that what you're feeling? Do you feel worried? Kind of like taking it and making it about yourself for a minute. Like, so you're like, I get why you might be nervous. You have a new teacher, a new classroom. This reminds me of when I went to my new job and I didn't know anybody and I didn't even know where the lunch room was. And I felt really nervous. But then I remembered,
00:14:34
Speaker
to take a deep breath. I remembered my brave brain talk, and I said, oh, I can ask someone where the lunchroom is. People love to help me, like putting these little affirmations of what you would tell yourself, wink, wink, um in their head. Because you know my one of my favorite quotes is how we talk to our kids becomes their inner voice. So if you just start narrating like, this is what I did for myself, and then I remembered, oh,
00:15:02
Speaker
I'm good at making friends. I'm going to ask that person if they want to sit and have lunch with me, or even just like demonstrating to them, like oh, to make a friend, you just have to say, my name is Beth. What's your name? And like showing them the skills of how to do that. And then that's how we can like tame and right size their anxiety. Absolutely. I also think that's really hard for people. like Most people's inner script is pretty negative.
00:15:30
Speaker
And there's an exercise I talk to my clients about doing this positive self talk exercise, okay for building up to like two minutes, two minutes, talking to yourself positively. And it's really hard for people. But if you do that, it kind of flips the script.
00:15:48
Speaker
It absolutely does. I like to say like your brain is an algorithm, like just like social media. So um for those that don't use social media, um social media, if you like, say you want to start gardening and you um Look up a gardening video and maybe you watch three seconds of it and you don't even really pay attention to it Well, then the next day the algorithm might show you two gardening videos and even if you're like, oh I'm not really gardening but you just kind of watch the videos and you're not like really
00:16:23
Speaker
motivated yet, slowly you're changing your algorithm to say the longer you watch that video, the more they should show you about it. So I always like to think about that whenever I tell kids how to have like good self talk, you know, if they're like, I'm bad at this, or I can't do that. And like, Oh,
00:16:37
Speaker
our brain believes what we say. So you have to say, actually, it's okay if I mess up. Actually, I'm really good at this. And even if it doesn't, like whether it's to your kid or to yourself, even if they don't believe it, the repetition really will slowly change the algorithm of your brain.
Meaningful Conversations with Kids
00:16:54
Speaker
For some reason, that that analogy that i've that I've come up with works for my brain. Totally.
00:16:59
Speaker
So one of the ways I have conversations with my kids at our dinner table, we do high, low and curious. So what was your high of the day? What was the low of the day? And what was your curious? I actually came up with it for a client and her family. And I was like, I should also do this with my family. And sometimes when my kids don't wanna talk, which they don't, that's fine. I like to use humor too. So I'll be like, oh, you went to the circus today, right? That's what you did at school. You like did acrobats, yeah.
00:17:26
Speaker
No, that's fine. and Oh, what did you do? Oh, you learned about reading. Oh, right, of course. I love that. That is such a good strategy. I, I've used that before too. Like kind of just, if they're like not into it, be like, I bet at lunch, you sat next to Timmy. And then they'll probably be like, no, I sat next to Brody. Like, and you know, like, so it's kind of like that reverse roll kind of thing. Great, great idea.
Parental Grief as Kids Grow
00:17:52
Speaker
Okay. So she's feeling fine. You have your strategy prepared that you're going to cry after if you need to.
00:17:59
Speaker
Totally. Okay, so people are not alone if they're feeling like the grief of their kids growing up. I remember I once saw a comedian that said, I got an email from my friends with kids who are like, Can you believe how old they're getting? And I was like, Yeah, that's literally how life works. What I would be surprised or what I couldn't believe is if you sent a picture like I can't believe that they're reverse aging. Like my kids are growing down. And I think about that because it's like, it feels like it's a weird concept to grasp, right? To be like, why am I sad that they're doing exactly what they should be doing? Like it's exciting, but do you have any insight on that?
00:18:39
Speaker
Well, here's the thing about me is I really love every stage and I think that's my favorite. My husband will tease me and I'll be like, oh no, like two and a half and five and a half. Like this is the best. Like it is so fun. I mean, it's also so not fun sometimes, but, um, and then it'll be like, you said that when they were, you know, four and like one, like this is like what you say.
00:19:04
Speaker
But I think think this kindergarten age is really fun. yeah So my my daughter, you'll like this story.
Kids' Ambitions and Adult Roles
00:19:13
Speaker
My daughter graduated from her her preschool and they had a little graduation. Did you cry? I didn't. I laughed. I'll tell you why I laughed. Oh, I can't wait. They're calling all the kids up and saying what they want to do when they grow up, which you know I'd rather hear like,
00:19:31
Speaker
who they wanna be when they grow up. It's hard to tell a five-year-old what they're gonna do, but so it's like Olivia Hirsch wants to be a princess and Liam Jordan wants to be a firefighter and Blake Reiter wants to be a therapist and a mommy. I was like, um the people who know that I'm a therapist are gonna think this is really sweet and I think other people might be a little more confused.
00:20:00
Speaker
What does she think a therapist means? That I help people with their problems. Okay.
Choosing the Right Therapist
00:20:07
Speaker
So does she, do you think that she feels like really, do you feel like she knows how to like problem solve and how to help people? No, probably not. Do any of us. um I did not like did a talk with her class for career day. Oh, cute. I've done lots of talks. This was my hardest one with a five year old audience. Yeah.
00:20:30
Speaker
ah At the end of the day, I was like, so like, do you now know what a therapist does? And she was like, no. but think Okay, great. Cool. Thank you. You're like, and wow, I am humbled. wait Oh my gosh. Okay. So I want to talk about a new segment I'm bringing to the podcast, red flag, green flag. So um and sometimes I will bring like,
00:20:54
Speaker
a question, or sometimes I'll ask like, what is a red flag or green flag? So I know that I'm throwing this on you, but what would you say to somebody like looking for a therapist if you like your were personal, okay, I'll give you an example. um So I was gonna say, what's your personal like, Oh, here's a red flag. If I'm in an interview, like I would not hire that therapist as a client, or as like, if you're like, Oh, that was such a green flag, like, I'll give you my example. um Because it can be personal.
00:21:23
Speaker
um for My example is for school tours. like If I go on a school tour, a red flag is if they have really high teacher turnover. um Green flag would be that they talk about the way that they um nurture their teachers, the professional development they bring in, um how the parent-teacher ah community collaborates, like because I know that for kids to have a good experience, their teachers need to be, like like we just said, a regulated adult helps regulate a child. So if we have dysregulated teachers, we're going to have dysregulated students. So I really like to see that schools take care of their teachers.
Therapist Specialization Importance
00:22:09
Speaker
So that would be like one of my red flag, green flag. What would you say? And if you just have red flag or just green flag, that's fine too. This is this is great. So a lot of finding a therapist is about fit.
00:22:22
Speaker
it's actually a predictor of successful outcomes in therapy. So it has to feel like a fit for you. okay So I would say don't be afraid if it doesn't feel like a connection within a couple sessions is to move on. I also think relationships are repairable, even therapeutic ones. um So a green flag for me would be like, do you feel comfortable with this person?
00:22:47
Speaker
green flag. It's still a new relationship, like any new relationship, a first session, it takes some time to build, but like, do you feel comfortable with this person? Do you think this person is present with you? That's really important. So red flag would be like, is your therapist distracted, right? Like that wouldn't feel comfortable.
00:23:05
Speaker
yeah What I have my red flags too is when you are looking for a therapist, it should feel like that therapist is talking to you. Like, yes, this therapist really gets me. A red flag for me is when a therapist is an expert in everything.
00:23:19
Speaker
Agree. You're like, I do maternal mental health. I do divorce. I do, you know, chi ah children, children and lessons. I do depression and great trauma. Great. Like you're just like, what, what do you do? I say agree because I think a red flag is when anyone says that they're an expert in everything. like Like, even like when people are like, Oh, I'm a teacher. So I know this. And it's like, you can't like, even the best speech therapists I have are like, Oh, I work with this age. I actually can't answer that question.
00:23:47
Speaker
And like, even though they are trained in more, like just like knowing your niche, is it niche or niche? I don't know. That's why I say ideal client, right? I think I always say niche. I say niche too, but then I saw a thing that said your riches are in your niches.
00:24:07
Speaker
meaning like go more specific than like, because and actually that I used to like have tutoring. We would have math. We went through high school and then I was like, no, I'm going just these ages and just reading.
Barriers to Therapy for New Moms
00:24:19
Speaker
Yeah. So, okay. That is a really good red flag. That is what you do. Oh, thank you. Ditto. Um, any other red flags?
00:24:29
Speaker
any other red flags? Have you ever seen that SNL skit that's like red flag? It's very funny. It's like um it's like they like a woman's voice being like red flag and it shows like different scenarios. I'll send it to you later. ye Maybe I'll link it in the show notes if I remember.
00:24:52
Speaker
So no other red flags? Um, I mean, no other, you can be spicy here. People, people really spill the tea here. I think, you know, therapists are like any one out there, like, like teachers, right? There's good ones out there and bad ones out there. h Um, I would say if you have a negative experience, that's a red flag in itself. Um, and the green flag would be, don't be discouraged. Try again. Yeah. Okay. Good. Okay. Great. Great.
00:25:25
Speaker
And if you are starting a new therapeutic relationship, also don't feel like you have to start from the beginning. if you You can start wherever you want. The therapist will catch up. I love that because I think a lot of people are like, I don't even know where I would start. Yeah. Well, it's hard for a new mom to go to therapy. I know. I was just going to ask that. So what do you think are some of the barriers for new moms to start therapy?
00:25:52
Speaker
I think there's a lot. I think a new mom doesn't want to go to therapy, right? There's just time cost, right? Like, you know what a new mom doesn't have is time. man yeah I think there's also the fear around judgment, like this need or pressure to be perfect. And if you're not in some way, this perfect mom, which as we know, doesn't exist, you are doing it wrong or you'll be judged. And Oh, I guess that would be another red flag. You should never feel judged by your therapist. Oh, that's good. I think mom feels overwhelmed. So even the act of like making that initial call to call a therapist feels really overwhelming and difficult. Let alone like thinking about opening up and being so vulnerable to someone.
Practical Mental Health Tips Podcast
00:26:38
Speaker
Yeah.
00:26:39
Speaker
I think there's still a stigma with mental health. you want to This attitude of like, I can handle it on my own. Well, no, no one can handle it on their own. like It takes a village to raise children. In any other area that you needed help, you get help.
00:26:54
Speaker
and Like if your child needed a tutor or it takes a village, you get a tutor. So mental health is the same way. um I think there's a stigma with maternal mental health, like this fear that like, oh my God, my baby's going to be taken away. And you alluded to this. You know, if I tell my therapist what I'm really thinking, she'll either think I'm the worst parent ever or take my baby away. No, of course not. You know, we're here to help. You want to keep you safe and your family safe.
00:27:21
Speaker
Yeah, I love that. And then also, okay, so the financial piece I know is a big one. And I know that there's people like you that are doing things to try and help because you have a podcast therapist in your ear, or is it is it on the your website or is it on a podcast? It's both. It's on Spotify and Apple podcasts.
00:27:43
Speaker
and Yeah, so if you're like afraid of oh maybe you can't splurge right now or maybe invest, I don't want to say splurge, you can't invest in your mental health right now. like You can get some practical tips from a therapist in those short little episodes. Yes. The idea is that you have a therapist with you
AI Companion for Mental Health
00:28:03
Speaker
right in your ear. You can like throw in your AirPods, throw in your headphones, and you have expert advice ready.
00:28:09
Speaker
I love it. We also have on the website a generative AI companion. Oh, tell us more. So it's a one of the only AI companions that's built by women for women. So it's a female brain. um I wrote a lot of the mental health content. And I know AI is scary for some people, especially when you start talking about AI and mental health. um We can go on and be like, I need three mindfulness exercises.
00:28:37
Speaker
o or you know type in the AI, like, I'm crying in my car after dropping my child off at kindergarten. Please help me with a couple of regulation tools. Oh, that's amazing. OK, well, ah can you give us one? like Say someone's feeling like really stressed about their child starting school. like Maybe they have a little bit of PTSD about it. like Maybe they had, I'm thinking of like this one mom I know in particular,
00:29:05
Speaker
that did not have a good experience with preschool and is like really stressed about sending her child to kindergarten because it was such a hard couple of years of preschool. um I'm thinking of this other mom who is choosing to homeschool her second grader this year and is like, did I make the wrong choice? um What would you say like to these people? to and Obviously, we can't like tell them what the right answer is, but like what would you say for them to help ground themselves and trust themselves a little bit more?
00:29:35
Speaker
So I would say with parents is I try and hone in that parenting confidence. I call it like a motherhood confidence. Like deep down, you know what your child needs. The tricky part is separating yourself and your experiences from your child, right? Like we are, once they cut that and build a little cord, they are no longer attached to us. So I think you can be on the same team with your child. It's different than like being in it with your child, right?
00:30:05
Speaker
Um, it's like this versus this, right? Like, so not like hands clasped together. Like I can be like with my child. I don't have to be in it with them. It's a really simple, like grounding and regulation exercises would be breathing like 360 degree breathing. How do you do that? I'm gonna do it. Okay. Let's do it. Okay. So take a breath.
00:30:30
Speaker
and you Let it out.
00:30:34
Speaker
out on this podcast Okay. Do it again. And then tell me what you saw move. Wait. Okay. So, but let it out or hold it. yeah deep Okay. Inhale, exhale. And exhale. Okay. What moved? Nothing. Yes. Look again. like in the Oh, on my body. I was looking around my audience in my audience in my, like what I can see. Okay. My shoulders.
00:31:00
Speaker
Yeah. Okay.
Breathing Exercises for Stress Regulation
00:31:01
Speaker
Do you have shoulder tension? Oh yeah. I always have my shoulders in my ears. Yeah, totally. Okay. So if you take a deep breath to regulate yourself, you're probably going to be more panicked and anxious because you're breathing in your chest and your shoulders. Okay. Watch me take a breath. Ready? Okay. Tell me what moves.
00:31:22
Speaker
Your chest. It shouldn't be much, right? and Nothing was really moving. right i was I was literally looking for something to move. Okay, do it again. Okay, so I put a hand on my diaphragm and I wrap a hand around my rib cage and my back. The idea is to breathe into your back. Oh, this is a Pilates move. I hate when they say breathe into my hand. I'm like, I don't know how.
00:31:48
Speaker
So one of the ways to do it is if you are like sitting down, you can curl your body over your legs. So your stomach's kind of compressed and take a deep breath and that's the sensation of breathing into your back. Oh, great. Right. So you work with little kids like, you know, remember circle time, like all those kids are breathing and you can kind of see like almost like an accordion, like they're, like their diaphragms are moving, their backs moving and they're like moving all together like this. Yes. And then We like are in school and we're sitting in desks all day and we're over hunched over a computer and we're on our phones and then we start to like breathe into our chest or like our belly and we like don't do that 360 degree breathing. Now I'm going to be doing it all day. I know it's helpful in the mirror because then you can see what's moving and what's not. Oh my God. But it's really grounding because it kicks up that parasympathetic nervous system.
Handling Children's Dysregulation
00:32:39
Speaker
So you know, instead of that like fight or flight when we're like feeling anxious and like dysregulated, it helps us like regulate everything.
00:32:46
Speaker
I love that. Oh my gosh. i but I was a therapist that hated breathing. I was like, I hate breathing. I'm, you know, it turns out I was doing it wrong. Gosh, every, I feel like I'm like now wanting to dive into a topic that I won't make. I won't do it because I want to ask you our final question because we're already like at time, but regulating the nervous system. I feel like that is a fear that maybe parents don't know how to exactly name, but like that is a fear. Like so many parents are like,
00:33:12
Speaker
before their kid goes to kindergarten, they're like, I've done everything to like make everything in their life easy. like I've done gentle parenting, I've protected them, and now like are they gonna go to school and the teacher's gonna give them a time out? Or like they're gonna be in gym class and there's gonna be so many kids running around and they're gonna learn bad behaviors. like I feel like these are the things that parents feel dysregulated about. And I actually, as a teacher, like kind of do think that we need to revamp how teachers are trained in social-emotional practices because like what you just said about regulating our nervous system should be something that like we're doing with kids in the classroom throughout the whole day because like if you think about it, kids are so dysregulated when they come home because we're asking them to be with 30 individuals in a small space to not have any control over when they eat, when they get water, when they go to the bathroom.
00:34:07
Speaker
when they can talk to their friends, when they can play. And that five-year-old body and brain is designed to like know what it needs. And we're like asking it to like be this robot. And then also to learn everything, to learn how to read, to learn how to do math, to be kind to your friends, to like all of those other 30 kids in your class. like Can you imagine if somebody forced you to like 30 people that you didn't pick?
00:34:36
Speaker
And then also you start to like them and you want to talk to them. And then you're in trouble for talking to them. and You're like, well, I thought you were telling me to be nice and to make friends. And i here I am making friends. So when do I make friends? And think about all of that dysregulation. Kids aren't getting that breath practice, these things. And then they come home and we're like, Oh, why are you throwing a fit? Yeah.
00:34:59
Speaker
I always say to my husband, like, think like our two-year-olds or think like our five-year-olds. So I'll answer super short. So one is an adult would also be dysregulated by this. Yeah. A kid isn't like an adult being like, I had a really bad day. I just like, wait a minute, right? Like they're throwing a temper tantrum. Yeah. And so, or they're saying to you like, you know, mom, can you play with me? So I really think about that too.
00:35:28
Speaker
And I think about with kids, there's two ways to protect and keep your kids safe. There's prevention, which is what you described with like the gentle parenting and and intervention. So prevention might be like you baby-proof your entire house before your child even starts to walk.
00:35:47
Speaker
I love. Interven, right? Yeah. and We all do that. Intervention is intervening after the fact. So inevitably, that new walker is going to fall, hurt their knee. And you're there with a bandaid and a kiss and like making that better. So if a child has a bad day at school, you can intervene.
00:36:08
Speaker
It doesn't have to be prevention all the time. That's just not realistic in the world that we live in. Your home gets to be a safe and trusting place, and you get to intervene after. I'm a big believer in repair, so that's just as effective and just as important.
Emotional Stress of School Transitions
00:36:26
Speaker
That's such a good reminder. So like if the parents are feeling stressed, like I've protected my baby for five years and now I'm just ah sending them off to be with these people I don't know in this place that I don't know, like throw in all of the stuff that's happened on like in the media and horrible things that are happening in schools and it just feels so stressful. So reminding yourself just like you would remind your child, right size the problem, like I have created the safe environment at home. I can repair. I can help them regulate when they get home. And just like you said, like kids don't say, oh my gosh, I had the most insane work day. They say, will you play with me? They throw their dinner at you. They cry. They say, I hate you. And what they're really asking is, like
00:37:15
Speaker
Am I safe enough? And I would say like what they're showing is that you have made them safe enough that they can let go and that they can unwind from the school day. And I think parents can get prepared for that by just like building time into their day for that. like Don't schedule stuff for the first month of school starting. Know that they're going to need some downtime. Know that you're going to need some downtime too, I would say. That's so important.
00:37:44
Speaker
Yeah. Um, okay. Actually that just reminded me of my sister's pediatrician told her this was like a hundred years ago because her son's now in middle school, but, um, that he doesn't recommend any extracurricular activities until after December of kindergarten because it's such an adjustment. Oh yeah.
00:38:06
Speaker
yeah But if you have extracurricular activities, like it's fine. you know everything I feel like you have to have like such a good caveat for everything. But if you did it, it's fine. Well, you know your kid. Yeah. And we I think you know whatever we plan, we have to plan with flexibility. So if you have an extracurricular activity and it's not going so well, like and consider maybe not sending them until December.
00:38:28
Speaker
Yeah, exactly. Okay, this has been so
Book Recommendations and Insights
00:38:31
Speaker
helpful. My ah one last question for you is about your personal life. um What are you reading right now? And um I'll tell you what I'm reading to. Okay, this might be a little bit of an insight into um I'm always reading multiple things at once. Same. Okay, okay. Not alone. So I have an audio book. So I'm listening to Tom Lake. Main Street is narrowing it.
00:38:57
Speaker
I'm reading um The Love That Split the World. I don't know either of these books. um And then the book that I have in my queue right now that I it's my workbook that I'm like maybe if I just like have it by my night set table, I'll just like through osmosis read it but it's influence is your superpower.
00:39:18
Speaker
Oh, i have water what is, what is the premise of that? I was like, the title, it looks good. I'm going to just. but so you did judge a book by its title eight said And then are the other two fiction? Yeah, I like fiction.
00:39:34
Speaker
Um, I don't usually read fiction. I usually am like always reading nonfiction. I'm like looking around what my books are that I'm reading. And so a couple of years ago, I remember reading an article by, i maybe it was like psychology today or something, but it said like the, one of the best things you can do for your brain is let it be lost in a story. Cause that's like reading a story, whether you're like listening to it or reading it with your eyes, it's like really good. Like it's like a way that you can like escape and like build new pathways in your brain. So.
00:40:04
Speaker
I'm like, okay, I got to read fiction. Have you heard this? I haven't, but you know, my job is to listen. And so I get the privilege of listening to people's stories all day. Oh, so you get, you're in stories all the time. yeah It's the best. And when it comes to stories, I have a really good memory. Like I can remember stories. Okay. Interesting. Therapist. Yeah. Yeah. Wait, I thought that you told me though, that you just finished fourth wing. Did you not want to admit that?
00:40:32
Speaker
You didn't want to tell people? I also read fourth ring and fourth ring number two. Wait, why didn't you want to admit that?
00:40:45
Speaker
Do you want me to cut this out? No, you have to cut it out. I mean, it's like a young adult book. It's a young adult book. I think that everybody is reading it and obsessed with it. I think everyone is. I read it because I didn't want to feel left out. What'd you say? Dragon Smut. No, it's just... Dragon Smut. I didn't like it.
00:41:07
Speaker
You didn't like it? i do I think people are very torn. I know. I mean, okay. So I always say you don't have to finish the book. Like, like if you want to teach your kids a lesson about like committing to something, let it be about something other than reading. Because if at that early stage of them learning to read, we're like teaching them like that it's a punishment, and you picked it, you have to finish it. We're really like pairing those new neurons together. Like that it's like, okay, well reading is a punishment and I hate this and I'm always going to hate it. So,
00:41:34
Speaker
I always say you don't have to finish the book, so I quit fourth wing in the middle, but then my sisters both read it and I really trust my sisters. And in fact, the last time I read a book, it was my absolute favorite book and I stopped it about 25% in.
00:41:52
Speaker
And this was years ago and both of my sisters couldn't stop talking about it. It was the seven husbands of Evelyn Hugo. And yeah that ended up being like, I always am like, what's one book that you wish you could reread for the first time again? And that is the book for me. Like I just, I should reread it, but I, ah love that book and it's so funny because I really like had quit and so I trust my sisters so that I went back to it but um I did that with fourth wing and I wasn't like mad at the time like at the time I spent reading it but I wasn't like I love that book in fact I'd never think about it anymore and I didn't want to read like the second one or anything.
00:42:28
Speaker
Can you tell me what happens in the second one? Spoiler alert. Should we do it off the camera? We'll do it off the camera. We'll do it off the camera. Yeah, tell me later. But yes, spoiler alert for you. Okay, good. And so what are you reading? Okay, so actually I just finished a book and it was so magical. I am not a rom-com girl and I'm trying to be.
00:42:50
Speaker
um like I'm like, where are the books about like the single independent women that just like have a great life and do what you know whatever? And I'm like, everything is about, like oh, and then she found this man. So I'm like, usually I don't like them, but I'm trying. And like i like I have FOMO. I don't want to be missing out on what everyone's reading. So there's two authors that are really popular, Emily Henry and Abby Jimenez. Do you know them?
00:43:17
Speaker
yeahh um So I've been reading some of their books. So this summer I have read, hold on, I'm going to open my list to see. So I just read, Oh, Beach Read by Emily Henry. huh That was great. I love that. Just for the summer. Have you read Just for the Summer? No, but I've heard of it. Okay. So everyone said they loved it, but I, this is funny. I should talk to you about this. um Just for the summer, I felt like there was like a lot of like inappropriate boundaries in it. And so I'm like listening to this and I'm like, like this girl, not spoilers, kind of spoilers. So spoilers if you're reading Just for the Summer.
00:43:56
Speaker
this girl like meets this guy on a Reddit thread and then she like, that might be a red flag there, a Reddit thread. Thank you. And then she decides to like travel to go. um She's a travel nurse. So she picks her location to go be by him. But everyone's like, she knew other people there and she was traveling all the time. And his mom was going to jail.
00:44:20
Speaker
and so he had to raise his siblings and she was like absolutely not I don't want to be with someone who has kids and so they have they fall in love and like she's like no no and he's like I've never loved anyone as much as I've loved you and they like fall in love for the first time they meet and I'm like I'm maybe way too realistic for rom coms because I'm like, this isn't appropriate. She had her boundary, she had her line, and she didn't follow it. And she like, met a guy on Reddit and went there. And I think a lot of people are like, Oh, it's so romantic. And like, this has like, there actually is like an interview after it about like, that they wrote it with a therapist because there's a pattern of dismissive avoidant attachment style through it. But I'm like,
00:45:03
Speaker
Maybe it was too triggering for me based on my last relationship. but
00:45:09
Speaker
yeah so I'm going to give big city readers a reading recommendation. Is that even a lot? Yeah, please. ah um If you want to tiptoe into like fiction, and but you also want like a good powerful like female character, The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue. Did you ever read that one? No, I'm going to get it today at the library though.
00:45:31
Speaker
Okay. But here, but then, okay. So I loved funny story and then I just read and that was Emily Henry. And then I just read because it was free on Kindle unlimited, which actually I don't think is free. I think I pay for a Kindle unlimited. So maybe it wasn't free.
00:45:48
Speaker
It was called the friend zone and I loved it. Oh, I read that one. It's so cute to me. It was so cute. There's a um ah sequel. So you like kind of see those um called the playlist or something ah lovers i list like that. Do you know what you like the difference between those two books for me is that like I felt like there were better boundaries in the friend zone.
00:46:10
Speaker
How do I tell if i go I'm going to go to the library and be like, I'm looking for a lighthearted rom-com that has a strong female lead with good clear boundaries? what I think they'd be like, you must be in therapy. like That sounds like exactly what a therapist would recommend for life, right? I wonder if it would be like, if I'm like are people like just let us have this rom com but I'm like I just can't like we can't let like women think that this is how like I'm just like annoyed when there's like a character with poor boundaries and they're like I can fix him I can fix this man like it's like no girl run that man is insane. Run put down the book.
00:46:55
Speaker
and Stop reading. Okay. I have one plug for you, but Blake and I are doing your on-demand course for kindergartners. Yay. Yay. And I'm a reader. Like I go through phases, but like I read a ton and I'm like, oh my God, have I just memorized a bunch of words? Like do I know how to read? Right. So Blake and I are both really enjoying it. You know what? That's the best tip that I always give parents is like,
00:47:24
Speaker
Tell them you're learning with them. like Show them you're on their team. like so That's so good for Blake. You're such a good mom that you're like, we're doing this together. The phonological awareness, you say something like, you know instead of just memorizing a bunch of words, I was like, have I just memorized all the words? like Is that how I know how to read it? Because I always say, like I was sick that day in school when they thought about phonics. I think, I just missed that.
00:47:51
Speaker
i you know I always say like I was sick when I don't know like a piece of like a random like historical fact when I'm like, I think I was sick that day. Yeah, I was sick that day at school. and he go my good night Thank you for you know making our whole family room to readers.
00:48:06
Speaker
oh I love that. Oh my gosh, I can't wait to hear how the rest of the course goes. Yes. ah very well Yay. Okay. Well, thank you for being here. This was such a fun episode. Um, and I'll link where they can find you and, um, will you come back in a couple of months to tell us how the kindergarten transition went? I would love to. I'll come back as long as you'll have me. Yay. You're the best. Thank you. Bye.