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What Do The Elf On The Shelf, The Rainbow Fish, and The Giving Tree Have In Common?
425 Plays1 month ago
In this solo episode of the play on words from Big City Readers we’re diving into some hot topics that spark debates in classrooms, on playgrounds, and at the family dinner table. From controversial children’s books like The Giving Tree and I’ll Love You Forever to the polarizing tradition of the Elf on the Shelf, we’ll explore why these stories and traditions can feel tricky for parents and educators. We’ll also share practical tips for teaching kids about boundaries—both in their relationships and in the stories we share with them. Whether you’re a fan, a skeptic, or just looking for alternatives, there’s something for everyone in this discussion.
What You’ll Hear in This Episode:
- The Controversy Around Classic Books:Why some parents and educators hesitate to read The Giving Tree and I’ll Love You Forever.
Themes of self-sacrifice, overbearing love, and their modern-day interpretations.
How to approach these books thoughtfully or find alternative stories. - Elf on the Shelf: Fun or Frustration? The pressure parents feel to participate in this growing tradition.
Why the Elf is so polarizing—modeling mischief, behavior tracking, and adding to holiday stress.
Should the Elf be in classrooms?
Tips for balancing holiday magic without burnout. - How to Teach Good Boundaries:Why boundaries matter for kids—and how to model them in everyday life.
Using books and traditions to open conversations about consent, respect, and reciprocity.
Alternatives to “behavior management” tools like the Elf and what they teach kids.
Why You’ll Love This Episode:
Whether you’re deciding how to handle a beloved (or dreaded) tradition or reflecting on the stories shaping your child’s world, this episode offers a compassionate, judgment-free look at how to navigate it all. You’ll leave with practical ideas for making choices that work for your family while helping your kids build strong, healthy boundaries.
Join the Conversation:
We want to hear from you! What’s your take on The Giving Tree, I’ll Love You Forever, or Elf on the Shelf? Share your thoughts and creative alternatives with us on Instagram @BigCityReaders or send us a message!
Get my favorite books here: amazon.com/shop/bigcityreaders
Rate & Subscribe:
If you loved this episode, don’t forget to subscribe and leave a review. Your feedback helps us create content that inspires and supports you!
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Transcript
Perfectionism vs. Timely Episodes
00:00:08
Speaker
It is solo episode day. Two things I'm going to say ahead of time. One, I am not with my regular sound equipment, but as we always say, we are overcoming perfectionism and done is better than perfect. And I wanted to get this episode up and have it be a little bit more timely.
Elf on the Shelf: Love or Trash?
00:00:27
Speaker
So we're talking about everybody's favorite ah holiday friend. That is the elf on the shelf, or as I like to call it, elf in the trash. um I'm so sorry if you are a big fan of
Controversial Children's Books
00:00:42
Speaker
the elf on the shelf. This is not going to be ah your favorite podcast episode, but I'm going to keep it brief and we are going to talk about a couple of other books and things like if you are a millennial, books that we maybe be read and that overwhelming numbers of people are saying that they will not read to their kids. I'll give you the spoiler. It's the Rainbow Fish, I Love You Forever, and the Giving Tree. So we're going to talk about why everyone is saying that, why some people choose to do the Elf on the Shelf, and why some people don't, and probably Wicked. Everyone needs to see it at least a hundred times.
Traveling with Toddlers: Challenges and Stories
00:01:24
Speaker
Okay, that's all I have to say about Wicked. Let's think, oh, Protein Snack of the Week. Everybody has been loving this. I'm adding this segment to the podcast, Protein Snack of the Week. My sister, I was in Arizona with my sister a couple weeks ago helping with her kids. It was a lovely, luxurious vacation, and I am being sarcastic. It was it was it actually was fun, but it was for kids. She was there for work, and I was there to watch the kids. and Oh my gosh, if you've traveled with a 13 month old, God bless. None of the kids slept on the plane. It was a four hour plane ride plus like airport time plus an hour to the airport. Plus, oh my gosh, we were waiting for the rental car for three hours at 10 PM. And it was, I mean, I feel like that is an Olympic sport is I was able to handle the 13 month old that whole travel day on the way there.
00:02:22
Speaker
The way back was a little bit more rough because we were exhausted and we left the airport at four in the morning and nobody slept on the plane including the baby. um But there wasn't a lot of crying. We did a lot of, by the baby I guess there was from us, but um we did a lot of snacks.
00:02:42
Speaker
lot of games, lot of yay, yay, yay, lot of mini chocolate chips. If you are traveling with a 13 month old, that was a real, real big crowd pleaser that gave us like, I mean, I would say almost 120 seconds of an activity and every second counts, you know, it all adds up.
Introducing 'Protein Snack of the Week'
00:03:03
Speaker
But anyway, we were in um Arizona and we were staying at the Airbnb so we went to the grocery store and got a bunch of food because all kids do is eat and um My sister came back and showed me her favorite sauce from Trader Joe's It is a jalapeno Something I can't remember. I'll link it on Instagram
00:03:27
Speaker
link it. I'll post a picture of it on Instagram. Um, but she says that she, we in my family, the gas girls are salty tooth people and, um, not sweet tooth. And so we love chips. Like my 30th birthday was a chip, um, sorting thing. Like my parents got for my, my family birthday.
00:03:52
Speaker
My parents got 30 different types of chips and everybody had to guess which flavor each chip was. It was very fun. But we are big chip people and like have strong opinions. My mom likes Lay's and she still doesn't remember that we all hate Lay's. We like Jay's and we are big barbecue chip people.
Spicy Sauce and Greek Yogurt: A Life-Changing Combo
00:04:13
Speaker
We are big spicy people. We love a salty, crunchy, crispy, spicy. That is our MO. Sriracha on everything.
00:04:21
Speaker
So the spicy hot sauce, she shows me. She gets this. She mixes it with a Greek yogurt and dips chips into it to up her protein. And she said it like it was the most obvious hack in the world. And as a protein girly, someone who is trying to consume 150 grams of protein a day, I'm always looking for the next add-on. and This to me was groundbreaking. It might've changed my life. I have been eating it almost every day as a hyper-focused meal, a perfect-sation meal, which is it. um But I've been doing like a bowl, like a ground turkey, black beans, roasted sweet potatoes, Greek yogurt mixed with that, avocado, and then use chips as the vessel to get it in the mouth. um So anyway, that's the protein snack of the week for me.
00:05:14
Speaker
Send in your protein snack of the week and maybe I'll share it on the next solo episode or interview episode. There is no, there's not a lot of rules here. We're just trying to have a little fun, share a little education and get some more protein. So that's the protein snack of the week.
Inappropriate Themes in Children's Books
00:05:33
Speaker
Before we dive into Alaph on the shelf, I do also want to bring up this that we've been talking about on the podcast and we're not on the podcast on Instagram.
00:05:43
Speaker
And that is um books that we read as millennials that were somewhat traumatizing and that people are in large numbers vowing that they will never keep on their child's bookshelf. And those books that are pretty controversial are The Rainbow Fish, The Giving Tree, and Oh, I'll Love You Forever.
00:06:08
Speaker
And if you listened to Brooke's episode, um, the OT, we talked about the first year of baby's life. I think that was a couple of episodes ago. It's really funny. I asked her what her favorite book is and she said, I'll love you forever. And I was like, Brooke, this is a controversial take. Um, and that's because a lot of people think there's, it sets up inappropriate expectations, mostly, um, mother-in-law expectations because Spoiler alert if you haven't read this book. It is about a baby um That the mom is like speaking this lullaby over every night and she says I love you forever I'll like you for always as long as I'm living my baby. You'll be now I did not do a deep dive but many people in my DMS sent that the author of
00:07:02
Speaker
The author, and I shouldn't lead with this because now people's opinions aren't going to be heard as much, but it is said that the author of this story wrote it as a tribute to him and his wife who had had a stillborn baby. And it was their silent lullaby written out loud. So that is sweet. And like many children's books that are misunderstood, I think if we keep them in the right context and know we are adults and we can see this as art and it's beautiful. And we can hold space for this, like the lyrics of Defying Gravity. And I know that that joke might not land on everyone if you're not on TikTok. But if we know that these are seemingly children's books, but maybe they're just picture books that are actually deep, meaningful,
00:07:59
Speaker
pieces of art for adults that can understand and comprehend what it's about. But the part that people are, um are kind not upset at, but like think it's um triggering. um One is a lot of people who think, feel that the complicated parent-child relationship is too triggering. um There's a lot of emotional weight that I would agree is probably not the right thing for a child to have to process. um For me, personally, it was the first time I started thinking about death and like losing my parents and because, you know, the boy grows up and the mom still rocks and then rocks him. And then one day he's a grown up and he has kids of his own and he is sick and his mom crawls in the window to rock him. And so many people are like, that part, my mother-in-law would love to do it.
00:08:57
Speaker
And there's so the theme there's a theme of overbearing love. And you know we've shifted and changed so much to have more and and grown and learned so much about boundaries and what's appropriate from the child development lens and what a developing brain can understand and attachment. And while it's intended to be a touching depiction of unconditional love, some readers and some big city readers um moms and dads find these in ah these actions a bit intrusive but or unsettling, um especially when we're teaching young children about boundaries and independence. um Aside from the emotional intensity of the book, which might be a bit much for especially deeply feeling kids or highly sensitive kids, um talking about heavy themes like aging, loss, death, um
00:09:50
Speaker
it can feel really overwhelming or sad for young children. And it's
The Shift in Parenting: Boundaries and Independence
00:09:54
Speaker
not that we want to avoid these feelings. It's just that parents might not be developmentally prepared for the, what this book is going to bring up for them. And kids might not be able to express, well, they'll probably be able to express, they might not be able to name what's happening for them. So there's so many things that I think it's hard. you It's a full-time job. You have to be so aware of everything that your child is consuming. But if we look at these books just like, okay, this is just a great book, and we aren't really aware of the themes that are in these books that are being brought up for our child in their brain for the first time, and we're not prepared for that, then um we're not really setting kids up for success.
00:10:38
Speaker
so Apart from the emotional heaviness, the mixed messages about relationships, the mother possibly overstepping personal boundaries, that consent, the confusing message about what a healthy relationship looks like. this the These are some of the things that are concerning for parents, especially with modern parenting and some of the cultural shifts that we've seen where we want to emphasize more independence, personal space, mutual respect, consent,
00:11:10
Speaker
all of these things that are talked about now more than they were when this book came out. are the reasons that this book is triggering for some people and they say that they will not gift it or keep it. It's also funny because this is like the most gifted book at baby showers. So I don't know if it's because we millennials remember it and we don't really remember why we remember it, but we gift it. um I'm not sure. So with all books, if you don't like it, you don't have to keep it. And if you don't like it, really don't read it to your kids because they feel your energy.
00:11:45
Speaker
And we don't want them to feel that we're doing something we don't want to, especially when it comes to reading. But you can use the book as a tool. No book is going to be the be all end all. I think about this with the book, um
'Secret Pizza Party' and Teachable Moments
00:12:00
Speaker
The Secret Pizza Party. And the, if you don't know this book, it's about a raccoon and he has a secret pizza party. And it's like underground because raccoons, you know, are always like sneakily stealing food.
00:12:14
Speaker
Many people are like, I'm never reading this book because it has the word secret in it. And of course, you are the judge of what books you do and don't want to read. But I like to remind parents to try to be a little bit curious. Okay, so we don't want kids to be thinking that secrets are good. We could change the word to surprise. Or you could use the book as an opportunity. You can read the book and then say,
00:12:42
Speaker
Now, this was a silly book about a raccoon eating pizza. Do raccoons really talk? Do you think a raccoon would really have a party? No. And then you could use it as an opportunity to talk about what is appropriate to keep as a secret and what's inappropriate, and it actually might be a really good opportunity. So try to not think about, like, this book I'm never gonna have, but is there a part of this book that doesn't sit well with me?
00:13:09
Speaker
But do I like the other parts? And can I use this as a teachable moment? Not everything needs to be a teachable moment, so just give yourself some slack here. But that's my those are my thoughts on those books. But you don't have to read a book you don't like.
Debating 'The Giving Tree': Self-Sacrifice or Exploitation?
00:13:26
Speaker
and You don't have to go on a big crusade to make sure no one has that book. I'm just kind of sharing the insight and letting you know what people are talking about about these books. Similarly, the Giving Tree um is I think Shel Silverstein. And um this one was also was really triggering for me when I read it as a kid.
00:13:53
Speaker
because there's a debate it's it's always sparking a debate amongst educators and parents and some people don't even know it but some of the reasons people might avoid reading it are similar about boundaries and themes especially in this one about self-sacrifice and exploitation so spoiler alert of this book the tree gives everything he has to a boy um the boy keeps coming to the tree and the tree grows of the boy and eventually the tree has nothing left to give but a stump some people might think that this is problematic message about self-sacrifice. Again, is it developmentally appropriate for a child to understand?
00:14:32
Speaker
um And two, is it showing appropriate boundaries? So um we want to make sure we're giving the message of putting your own mask on first um before giving. So if you give and give and give and you're not taking care of yourself, then there's going to be nothing left but a stump.
00:14:53
Speaker
And it's funny, in my DMs, a couple of people were like this. I thought it was beautiful. It reminded me of motherhood, which also then I was like, Oh, that's a little sad. But isn't it wild? Like books are art and we all interpret them differently. And a lot of people were like, this reminds me of motherhood and it hates it. I hate it. It makes me feel like I'm this self sacrifice and I've just given everything and I'm a shell of a person now. So Everybody's got different opinions of these books. they're They're pretty polarizing on opinions. If you have neutral opinions after listening to this and reading ah these books, please message me at Big City Readers on Instagram because I would love to hear from you. um I'd love to hear from all of you. Bye.
00:15:37
Speaker
So that's the giving tree debacle. um It also kind of, the underlying message is also about unbalanced relationship. The boy takes without giving back. It portrays a one-sided relationship. This dynamic could be concerning to some people who want to make sure they're modeling respect and healthy boundaries and relationships for their kids. um There's a lack of explicit consequences. So the boy never seems to really understand the impact of his actions on the tree. And there's not really a clear moral,
00:16:12
Speaker
um ah there's there's there's there's not really, there's not mutual care, which not every relationship in life does. So this lack though of of resolution, I think leaves people feeling incomplete or or stressed or not satisfied because The story is open, of course all good stories are open to interpretation, but this seems to lean more toward negative interpretations.
00:16:40
Speaker
ah There's also like the potentials of triggering guilt and shame. um And that is what I felt when I read this as a child, like I i can viscerally feel that. um And so I think that's so great, that parents have so much awareness and educators have so much awareness of that now, because I don't think that was the case in the 80s and 90s. But this story might make some children feel guilty about needing resources or taking resources or needing support um rather than encouraging gratitude or mindfulness around appreciation of that. um And in the modern generation that we're in,
00:17:20
Speaker
I think it um focus is like our focus shifts a little bit differently. The story's focus is on taking from nature without replenishing it. This is you know some hot takes that people have, um which is ah a bit misaligned with current events. So these are some of the reasons that people have expressed they won't keep these books
Books as Tools for Discussing Healthy Relationships
00:17:43
Speaker
on their shelves.
00:17:44
Speaker
um of course use these books as tools you don't have to get rid of these books if all of a sudden you're realizing these things. I always like to remind people to pair it with another book so read another story that emphasizes the what you do want you want to emphasize mutual care or environmental give back or appropriate boundaries so you can read these two books you don't have to make everything super teachable you can just ask your child what they notice about those two books what differences they have um what's similar about them what felt different like where they felt it in their body like or give them crayons to color and say like show me the color you would choose for this book notice if your child colors you know holds the crayon really hard and colors dark like they might be feeling a lot if they're kind of coloring peacefully as you read these these two different books to them compare
00:18:38
Speaker
what's going on for them. um Ask them what song it would make them feel like. You know, that is it a way you can get inside the brain of your of your child more than how does that make you feel? What do you think about that? Like those questions are kind of arbitrary. So try pairing another thing like song or coloring or other books and see if you can offer a more balanced perspective. It doesn't have to be absolutely not or I absolutely love this book.
00:19:07
Speaker
There's definitely room in the gray area to discuss the importance of both sides of giving, but also self-care and setting boundaries. How to encourage kids to reflect, how they the boy could have shown care to the tree, what could a healthier relationship look like?
00:19:26
Speaker
um so try to use the books as tools and not the be all end all. It's also reminding me I shared I went to my niece's classroom this morning to do mystery reader and um she I was trying to she's read all of the books I recommend
Reflections on Time and Family
00:19:43
Speaker
of course she's my niece she's six she just turned six today um and oh my gosh I could have cried there in the in the classroom my sister and I were talking to her I said I can't believe you're six And she said, you remember when I was born? And my sister was like, she Aunt Beth held you before I did. Because my sister had an emergency C-section. And so they brought her in. We didn't know if it was a boy or a girl. And we her dad, my sister's husband, and my sisters. And my mom and I got to hold her. And we're like, where's her mom? Where's my sister? and
00:20:21
Speaker
was very stressful time then, but you blink and then it's been six years and she's in kindergarten jumping in your arms when you walk in to surprise her as the birthday book mystery reader. So anyway, I posted last night that I was trying to find a book to bring and read that she hadn't read because she's read all of my Miss Beth, Big City Reader's favorite
Curated Book Lists and Generational Differences
00:20:43
Speaker
books. By the way, I have them all listed. If you, um,
00:20:48
Speaker
If you want to check those out, amazon dot.com slash shop slash big city readers, there's like second grade, fourth grade, new baby, baby shower, going through divorce. There's tons of lists. So, um, check, check that out if you want. But anyway, I was looking for a book and I found on my friend's shelf, the book, the care and keeping of you is an American girl book.
00:21:11
Speaker
And it's all about changing bodies and puberty. And I jokingly said on Instagram, oh, I found a book she hasn't read yet. Don't worry, I'll bring this as the read aloud to her kindergarten class. But so many people said, wow, I'm triggered by this. um Because I think just looking at the differences in the times and the generations is that I think a lot of millennials parents gave that book instead of using it as a tool.
00:21:40
Speaker
they just said this will teach you instead of reading a couple pages talking about it. So that's the reason that book is triggering through people, not even the but topics that we're talking about, but but what ah how it wasn't used in companionship with a grownup in your life. So these no book is going to teach your child. No toy is going to teach
Parents as Primary Educators
00:22:06
Speaker
your child. no Nothing is going to teach your child. You are going to teach your child, whether it's about their body, whether it's about consent, whether it's about boundaries, whether it's learning to read. So, so many of these things, we look for the perfect book or the perfect tour, the perfect game or the perfect class, and there just isn't. You, you are the perfect part. You are the piece. Everything else is a tool. So if we can think about it like that, then great. But
00:22:38
Speaker
if we just expect these things to be, oh, this toy will make your child learn how to talk. This show will do this. No, we need we need a little bit more of a team effort than that. Me, you, and this tool are going to be the thing that help your child.
Origins and Traditions of Elf on the Shelf
00:22:57
Speaker
So,
00:22:58
Speaker
Well, that seems like a really good segue into the Elf on the Shelf. How can we use things that we might not love in a different way? So I did not grow up with Elf on the Shelf. I wonder when Elf on the Shelf came to be. So I'm going to Google this right now. Oh, in 2005. Okay. 2005, Carol.
00:23:24
Speaker
and Shonda self-published The Elf on the Shelf, a Christmas tradition which came with a small scout elf doll. The tradition gained widespread attention in 2007 when actress Jennifer Garner was seen carrying the book kit and then the book was discussed on NBC's Today Show. Wow, Jennifer Garner, did you know you you are part of this problem according to AI on when you Google it?
00:23:53
Speaker
um Well, okay, so the tradition, if you are brand new, I opened up the question box, I said, air your grievances, ask your questions, and more people than I can even express said, what even is the elf on the shelf?
00:24:08
Speaker
So, and also some people said, I refuse. My best advice at a baby shower is don't start Elf on the Shelf. So we're going to talk about it a little bit here. I'm going to try and keep this episode short. How is it already at 25 minutes? um But most people say that they are doing the Elf on the Shelf because they don't want their kid to feel left out at school.
00:24:30
Speaker
because everyone's talking about it. So let me explain the elf on the shelf first and then we're going to talk about what, why people do it and what you can do. So don't worry. This is not going to be your bad. If you do it, you're good. If you don't, it's just, you remember, we're going to find the gray area. We're going to find the new ones together. Um, so the elf that came with the story, traditionally the elf would fly back to the North Pole each night to report to Santa.
00:24:56
Speaker
and land a new spot when he comes back to your house in the morning. Along the way, it's shifted and everyone uses it a bit differently, but the elf, it depends on your viewpoint, the creepy elf or the adorable silly elf, you get to decide.
Critiquing the Elf Tradition
00:25:21
Speaker
um would keep an eye on kids and report back to Santa. And somewhere along the way, it shifted to also um the elf kind of got into some trouble. He's a little bit ah mischievous. So it's a little bit conflicting because this elf allegedly is watching little girls if they're being naughty or nice, but he's just being naughty.
00:25:48
Speaker
So right off the bat, that to me is like, okay, this is inconsistent. This is, this is not working because consistency is like the biggest thing that makes kids feel safe. Like it's not big transitions. Like people always say, Oh no, if I get this divorce or if we move in the middle of the year, is this going to affect my child? No, it's not big things that affect your child. It's, it's indecision. It's inconsistency. So.
00:26:14
Speaker
The big things will be fine as long as you are consistent and clear. And that is how kids feel safe. So, okay. So the other part of this is if the elf is naughty, the parents are having to set up, they're making this mess and cleaning it up every night. So, oh, also part of it is that the elf, if you touch it, it loses its magic. um So kids are not touching it, but then everyone has to get more and more creative.
00:26:42
Speaker
Parents have to get more and more creative and as if parents didn't already have a big enough load And then add on the holiday season.
Social Media Pressures and Holiday Expectations
00:26:50
Speaker
Oh my gosh, like school concerts and piano recitals and Oh my Christmas shopping all the things as if that wasn't enough Now you have this elf who has to move every night like you're laying in your bed. You're like, oh my gosh I didn't move the elf To make sure that the holiday magic is still there plus now you have to have him kind of Social media has made this worse because everyone has to have a crazier elf hanging from the chandelier or cleaning the toilet or now there's people I saw and on TikTok the other day that somebody did this video editing app to make it look like the elf was eating a bag of chips and then they said the elf's name and then the elf dropped and they took a video of it to show to their child the next day.
00:27:34
Speaker
It's too much. It's, I don't want to be a Grinch, but I think it's too much. Like I'm exhausted even talking about this. I just want to end the upload here. Um, but yeah, so that's basically what happens with this fictional character, the elf.
Audience Opinions on Elf on the Shelf
00:27:52
Speaker
But I did some polls on Instagram to see just where the audience was. And I am going to share those stats with you now.
00:28:04
Speaker
So this is based on my Instagram audience. I did a little bit of polling also on TikTok. So combine audience about 200,000 people, of course, not everyone voted. This is just people that would be watching my stories and follow. These are the, that's, that's the next number. Not every single person saw the story and voted.
00:28:26
Speaker
But that's where we're, that's what we're working with when I get these percentages. So of big city readers, parents or teachers, when asked, do you use Elf on the Shelf? Only 25% said yes.
00:28:41
Speaker
um That's, you know, about about about 15,000 people voted in this. So thats I was surprised at that. um Then the next question was, who has one in their classroom? And that sparked some conversation because several of you said, oh, hell no. If that was in my child's classroom, I would pull them out so fast. And we're going to talk about why in a minute. But do you have one in their classroom? 11% said yes. 29% said they do not know, though.
00:29:15
Speaker
And then when asked, how do you use the elf? Is it just for fun? Or does he report back to Santa? Only 16% said he reports back to Santa, which I think is good. um If we think about this in like a respectful, responsive parenting and teaching style, the reporting and the external behavior charts and the, you know, it kind of goes alongside with behavior charts, which we've talked about at nauseam here.
00:29:45
Speaker
Um, but behavior charts are public facing in the classroom. And, um, if you listen to the episode with my principal friend, John Aaron's, um, ah he believes would not pass an equitable, an equity check of the school. Um, and couldn't believe that any public school would still legally be allowed to have them because they're so inequitable. So.
00:30:13
Speaker
When we look at it from a child development lens, we look at it from brain science, all of these important things of actually what does help behavior. It's not even that it's bad for kids. It's also that it's just not helping the behavior in general. Elf on the Shelf being there to watch and report to Santa, another fictional character,
00:30:36
Speaker
um Also, this is to say you don't have to get rid of Christmas magic, but these just again, we're finding the nuance, right? What can we do in between? How can we still have the Christmas magic and not have kids just be afraid of getting in trouble instead of understanding and making choices because they are intrinsically motivated and understand why they should act a certain way instead of just being afraid to act differently. Um, so Anyway, when asked how to use the elf, 84% just for fun, and 16% reports back to Santa, which is great. A lot of people are not telling their kids that this elf is reporting back to Santa. And then when asked, does your elf do naughty activities, 67% said no. So we're drawing our line in the sand. We're saying no, this is ridiculous. I am not, after my kids go to bed, going to make a mess.
00:31:33
Speaker
and then clean it up in the morning and then gaslight my kids into thinking that they will or won't get presents based on this little toy who made a mess in our kitchen reporting back to Santa. um But let me be the first to say I love Santa. like I have so many Santa events. I am a big Christmas magic person. This elf thing, though, takes it to another level. And then, OK, if you use the elf Y,
00:32:01
Speaker
54% said, I have been doing it.
Effectiveness of Elf on Behavior Modification
00:32:04
Speaker
20% said, I feel the pressure of everyone else doing it and 26% said other. A couple of people did clarify other and I'm going to share some responses, but.
00:32:15
Speaker
When asked if you use your ELF as a behavior reporting spy, do you notice better behavior in the month of December in your home or classroom? 14% said yes. So I would love to see though, if that stays in January. I'd love to know more. Okay, so then I offered a safe and anonymous question box. It's still anonymous when I'm going to read the replies. Okay, it sucks. Everything it teaches is a hard pass. Kids This is a different person. Kids asked for it this year. They know Santa is mom and dad, so it'll just be silly surprises if we do it. Love it. Somebody else said to each their own, my kids find it magical, which makes it fun for me. Great. um Home should be a safe place. I don't want her to be afraid Santa will punish her. Also a good point. and My kids asked for it. We simply move locations and nothing else. Sometimes we forget. Sounds like how I would use it.
00:33:14
Speaker
Um, mother-in-law forced it on us by starting it at her house years ago and then bringing it to ours. Oh my gosh. Speaking of boundaries. Well, that without asking first, that is, I'm going to let that one, I'm just going to let that simmer.
00:33:30
Speaker
How does this promote good behavior? Police state vibes. True. I've avoided it as long as possible. My son's preschool class introduced it to him while that really would piss me off.
00:33:42
Speaker
ah um It's a ridiculous way for kids to quote, behave for Santa and it takes Christ out of the season. Okay. um We did a version of the Elf on the Shop as a kid. He hid and a new spot every morning. It was fun. Great.
00:34:00
Speaker
Um, deaf shouldn't be in the classroom, but I love having it in my house. I hope my kids teacher does not use it. Kids. Oh, two parts. The elf annoys me. I find it manipulative and lower self esteem for my impulsive anxious kiddo, but they all see their friends elves doing fun stuff and so badly want one. Wow. That's really hard.
00:34:23
Speaker
My first grader came home saying everyone is talking about elves. We're Jewish. So for a Jewish kid in a public school who doesn't celebrate Christmas, I find this pretty offensive. I ah agree. that pretty bold, actually, in the public school.
Balancing Traditions and Social Pressures
00:34:41
Speaker
um Trying to avoid the elf feels more like labor and pressure. Okay, so a lot of people are saying, one, that this is too much pressure to do it, and two, it's too much pressure to not do it. Can't win this holiday season. Okay, a couple more. um Such a privileged practice. It takes money and time. Commercial Christmas at its finest.
00:35:04
Speaker
Elf is here to bring Christmas cheer, stop being a Grinch! Wow, at for every single person that has something exciting to say, someone else has something heavy to say. So. Oh my gosh. Wow, I think the elf is stealing the spirit flat-no from me. This season is about kindness and love. Plus, I am too tired for this shit. Oh gosh, I really don't love it, but when my oldest was three, she grabbed her friend's elf, thinking it was a cute toy, and every kid at the party screamed at her.
00:35:34
Speaker
and told her she ruined it. We got one after that, but it just moves around the house. No setup, no props. Wow. Okay. that You guys had a lot to say about this topic. So let's talk about what we can do instead. And it's totally okay if you have it. So now that we know the phenomenon, why it was created and what the purpose is,
00:36:02
Speaker
How can we use it to create holiday magic and fun traditions? Well, like many people said, they use it just as a fun little creature in their house. It's not reporting back to Santa. It's not watching your behavior. But it is about holiday magic. And I love that shout out to the moms and dads and parents going all out for their kids joy. The bad Oh, there's so much pressure to keep up with the Joneses here with this. um The pressure parents feel of being left out for opting out of the tradition, I get it. It's the same thing with the phone thing, right? So you'll, I've talked to so many parents, like middle schoolers who say, I don't want to give my kid a phone, but now they're not on a group text and I'm a part of them getting left out.
00:36:59
Speaker
And it is such a hard place to be. I am not going to minimize that at all. And you can still make the best decision for your family.
Romanticizing Mischief vs. Obedience
00:37:10
Speaker
You can just explain to your child, yeah, some families do that. We don't. What's something fun that you think that we do that other families might not do? And help your child shift their focus to what you love that is special about your family, maybe you're going to come up with new traditions, like maybe you're going to make something up in the process, like let them, let them be a little bored, let them be a little upset, like that is absolutely fine.
00:37:35
Speaker
um ah In general, I just can't get behind the naughty behavior, especially when we're pairing it with reporting on if they have good and bad behavior, like this is really sending on mixed messages, very unclear. And why are we romanticizing mischief while expecting obedience? i just I just don't get this part. So actually, my DMs are open to you. If you want to explain how this works in your family, please share it with the class. We would love to hear it. Okay. It's polarizing. Be off on the shelf. It's polarizing. People feel it's an obligation because your kids are going to be left out.
00:38:14
Speaker
and it's an unnecessary stressor, but some moms even reported that they feel left out in their parent group text because they're not complaining about having to move the elf at night. So I get it. If you want to do it because you want to be a part of it, I absolutely get that. I do. You don't, you can just be like, actually your elf is more magical. It is able to move after you touch it. Um,
00:38:41
Speaker
And if your child is at the age where they can start to understand and you can explain, some people still believe this. You can just say that to them. Some people still believe this. How do you think you could help keep the magic alive for them and also be true to you and just practice having these conversations? I think it it helps if you do it like while you're playing or on a walk or something. So we can, and you know, don't have to like just sit across the table from your child and say, what do you think you can do?
00:39:09
Speaker
but kind of just practice, okay, say, okay, I'm going to be someone that really loves the elf on the shelf. What do you want to say to me? And practice a couple of different versions of conversations, like let it go poorly and then say, do you think that your friend would feel good if you said that? Did you feel good? And then switch roles, like role play it out. And until it feels right for for you sending your kid to school because of course nobody, and nobody wants to send their kid to school being the person that hates the elf on the shelf. I get it. So that's the story of the elf on the shelf. If you have one, great. If you don't, great. Also, the best way to use it is just holiday magic.
Encouraging Curiosity and Growth in Children
00:39:57
Speaker
I would definitely recommend not using it as a behavior tool.
00:40:03
Speaker
Because if we take away the tool and kids can't do it on their own, then it wasn't a very effective tool. um Try to make your decisions at the forefront of how to make your child intrinsically motivated to be kind and loving instead of fear-based.
00:40:25
Speaker
um I think most people here want their kids to be kids that when they come into come across a problem, they say, Oh, no, I got to tell mom and dad, instead of Oh, no, don't tell mom or dad. um And when we use these tools, quote tools that are not set up with that in mind, we are just building a case against that relationship. We're building a case of high hide, hide your good or bad behavior. And I'm using quotes for good and bad behavior because we also want to make sure that kids know like why, let them know the reason why, not just ah you pushed your brother, but letting, you know, there's more to a story and understanding why it's not okay. And, and just use any of these things, any of these books that you have, any of the elf, like all of these things,
00:41:26
Speaker
are not good and not bad, are not right or wrong. just We just need to take the take them off the pedestal and realize that that is one tiny part and it's a conversation that you can have with your child or your family. and It's a tool. like Everything is a tool to move us forward in helping our kids grow and become more curious. so you could just try to look at all of these things with a lens of you being curious and your goal is for your child to be curious, then keep them all in your house or get them get rid of all of them. But none of these things are going to make or break your child or you as a parent. And I think that is the most important thing to remember.
00:42:11
Speaker
So I'm going to cut myself off here and probably talk more about this in another Behavior episode coming up in a couple of weeks with ah um some of your favorite guests I'm having back.
Conclusion: Big City Readers as Educational Gifts
00:42:21
Speaker
But please send me your thoughts on this episode on these books on Elf on the Shelf on Instagram at bigcityreaders. And before you go, send your grandparents, the grandparents in your life, the aunt's uncles, this little hint that you want.
00:42:40
Speaker
a big city readers class for your child for Christmas or Hanukkah or winter solstice, whatever you celebrate or your birthday, because this is the gift. Actually, let me tell you this story. I got, I almost got my nephew a parrot one time because I want to win. I want to win. My family is very competitive and I want to be the best aunt. I want to be the favorite. I once on Easter got all of my nieces and nephews live baby chicks. I ended up keeping them.
00:43:08
Speaker
And then I gave them up for adoption after two weeks because I lived in a studio apartment. Um, but the point being, I want to win. I want to be cool. And I want to invest. And this is how you do it. You gift a big city readers class. And here's why one, the parents are going to be so happy. You care about my kids' education. You are, um, aware that I don't want extra junk in my house. This is something that doesn't make noise. I mean,
00:43:35
Speaker
my voice makes noise, but it's not going to be like a doll that or a dog that barks. It's going to grow with your child. It's going to last all year and for the next child. And I don't have to find a spot for it on the toy shell. Plus, you get to build that relationship with the child and the family member because you get dozens of video lessons and activities to do. And what's better than remembering the person that gave it to you and calling them and telling them about your learning. But you're learning to read about how you learned a new spelling rule that you got to teach all of your friends. So no matter where you are in the world, you can be a part of your child's life of that niece or nephew or grandchild or friend by
00:44:22
Speaker
sharing this class together. So send this tiny, not so subtle hint to your grandparents, aunts, uncles, everybody that you is asking what your kids want for Christmas. And send me any questions if you need help figuring out what the right class for your child is. All classes are listed at bigcityreaders.com. I will see you all next week. I guess that's it.