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EP. 70 My Kid Turns Into a Rage Monster When He Loses
496 Plays22 days ago
The Psychology Behind Competitive Kids (and What Helps)
If your child is the kindest kid on the block… until they lose a game and suddenly you’re dealing with a rage monster - this episode is for you. Competitive kids often have big hearts and even bigger feelings. In this quick pep talk, I’ll walk you through what’s really going on beneath that explosive reaction, how to support emotional growth without crushing their drive, and my go-to book list that helps kids build resilience and empathy.
You’ll learn:
- Why competitive kids sometimes struggle with losing
- Simple strategies to talk about frustration and fairness
- How to create a home culture that balances effort and empathy
- My favorite children’s books that build emotional vocabulary and self-regulation
📚 Shop the book list here: 👉 Miss Beth’s Amazon Storefront – Competitive Kid Book List
💌 Want more like this? Follow @bigcityreaders on Instagram for daily tips, free book recs, and support for raising strong, kind readers.
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Transcript
Introduction and Listener Questions
00:00:10
Speaker
Hello, hello, and welcome back to the Play On Words podcast from Big City Readers. It's your host, Miss Beth, and today we are diving into parent question from my DMs last week.
00:00:26
Speaker
If you're listening to this and you're like, wait a minute, I have a really specific question I want you to answer about my child, send it to me. Now, I do get a lot of questions, but I will do my best to answer them if either in the DMs or in the podcast, if I think it will be helpful for more people.
00:00:45
Speaker
And this particular question, I think will be helpful for a lot of people. And i hope I can give you some tips, even if your child is not in this stage.
Book Recommendations for Competitive Children
00:00:54
Speaker
So Let's dive in.
00:00:56
Speaker
I got this question about a week ago that says, do you have any recommendations for books for extremely competitive children about to turn eight years old?
00:01:08
Speaker
My son is normally the sweetest, most thoughtful kid, but his competitiveness turns him into a little rage monster, and I'm worried it's affecting his friendships.
00:01:20
Speaker
He is also a middle child if that sheds any light.
Adult Competitive Behavior
00:01:25
Speaker
I think anyone listening with a seven or eight year old or any kid in general has faced this challenge. So you are not alone if you have a child that turns into a rage monster.
00:01:39
Speaker
In fact, not even just kids. i myself can get pretty competitive at times. And one thing I always like to think about is how um how full, we talk about this a lot, how full is their cup? So like, is it the last drop that makes them super competitive and ragey?
Understanding Competitiveness and External Stressors
00:02:00
Speaker
I'll give you an example. I was playing pickleball one time. I play pickleball all the time with all my friends. It's the dream, right? Doesn't everybody want to be able to play pickleball in the afternoon with their friends in the summertime?
00:02:12
Speaker
I was playing and one of my friends said, called a ball out that I was certain was in. But if you know about pickleball, you really can't see and the lines change colors on different, like different courts. Like, you know, sometimes the line is green on a really light blue court and it's hard to see.
00:02:32
Speaker
And it's the person on the other side's job to call it. And that's just how it goes. But sometimes it really, really, you're like, there's absolutely no way i know that was in or on the line.
00:02:44
Speaker
you it's awkward to be like, okay. Often I can be like, the goal here is to have fun. My goal here in this game is to have fun.
00:02:56
Speaker
But this one particular day, i was really upset by this. And I'm an adult with a fully formed brain and a lot of coping skills, but I still internally was like annoyed.
00:03:10
Speaker
And I almost didn't even want to keep playing. I was like, I know that was in. It made me when I actually stopped to think about it after I left the game, I was writing about it. i was like trying to figure out why it bothered me so much because at that point I was feeling overwhelmed. I had a lot going on in my life and I felt like I was doing a lot independently. I had a lot of work projects that I felt like I wasn't getting help on. I had a lot going on in my personal life and I just was at a tipping point.
00:03:42
Speaker
And That call made me start. That was just the last drop that made me go, you know what? No one is on my side. Of course, that's not true.
00:03:53
Speaker
And i was able to shake it off and remember that I'm here to have fun and I'm here with my friends and I like that I get to play with my friends and we're having fun in the sunshine and it's good for our brain and we're having community and all the good things that playing a sport or doing a game or activity together brings.
00:04:14
Speaker
So I was able to come back and be like, okay, doesn't matter. i thought it was in, she thought it was out. I'm just gonna let
Teaching Values in Games
00:04:20
Speaker
it go. There is a phrase that I often say that a lot of people in my life hate, but the phrase you can either have connection or be right.
00:04:33
Speaker
And if I think about my goals and I think about what I want, well, the reason I started playing pickleball is Well, yeah, I wanted to challenge myself and get better at something that I didn't know how to do, but I really like it for the connection it brings me in my life. I feel good when I have that connection.
00:04:53
Speaker
So did it matter more to be right or to have that connection? And I was able to understand that it was the connection. Now let's go back eight-year-olds or however your child is, however old your child is.
00:05:07
Speaker
They aren't able to have all this processing time. They're maybe not able to understand this, but we can start to introduce that idea. think there's an episode of Bluey actually about this. Cause when I told my sister this once, I said, you can either have connection or be right.
00:05:23
Speaker
When she was you know complaining about her husband and she said, actually that was an episode of Bluey. um So we can start to introduce this concept, right? So, so before we even go to like correcting the behavior,
00:05:38
Speaker
We want to go into the values and laying the values for your child to know what their goal is in playing a game. So that might look like, so if you think about it like a tantrum, a toddler having a tantrum, is that the best time to say the rules and to re reestablish the boundaries?
00:06:01
Speaker
No, they are escalated. what, When an eight-year-old is upset, becoming a rage monster, that's not the time to reestablish what are our values? Didn't you want to play this soccer game to make friends?
00:06:17
Speaker
They're unable to hear that. They are at capacity. Hands up in the air. That's not going to work. So take a time that you're not even playing soccer, or maybe it's dinner and you're going to discuss things going to play one-on-one soccer or a board game together.
00:06:36
Speaker
After dinner, I would start to say, what are the things that you like about playing games? You can get as specific or as vague as you think your child needs.
00:06:48
Speaker
But for a seven or eight year old, I would just start to ask about a specific area. So maybe it's playing Candyland. Maybe it's playing soccer. Ask the specific sport or activity and say, what are your favorite things about it?
00:07:03
Speaker
This is without even bringing up like, oh, you got really upset. We're going to get there in a minute. But this is one piece that I think we're often missing when we're teaching kids how to successfully lose or play.
00:07:19
Speaker
And it's a big piece of life. um It's a big piece in behaviors. It's a big piece in and really everything. But coming back to your values. So helping kids understand their values.
00:07:32
Speaker
And the reason we do things um that comes from these conversations when they are regulated, when you are regulated and when we're able to just actually think clearly, like, what is the reason for this?
00:07:45
Speaker
Well, it's fun to be outside. It's, it's good for my body. It is fun to win. That's good too. Like in this conversation with your child, You might even want to like put post-its out and write down some of the things they say.
00:07:57
Speaker
You can have a dialogue with them about it too. You can encourage them to think of some things like, oh, it's fun to be in the sunshine. It's fun to have an activity on the weekend. It's fun to be with my friends. And you can let them say, yeah, it is fun to win.
00:08:11
Speaker
Nobody wants to take that away. Competition is fun. And for a lot of kids, it helps them get things done, ah especially kids with ADHD.
00:08:23
Speaker
Competition is super important. So we don't want to take that away, but we just want to name it as one of the things that we're doing when we're playing an activity. um So that's the first thing I would do. When you both are regulated, come up with that list.
00:08:38
Speaker
Then you can help from that list narrow and point out um more specific things like, okay, so we know it's for friendship. We know it's for our body and we know it's for our brain.
00:08:51
Speaker
You know, pick three things that are really easy to come back to when your child is becoming that rage monster. um And remember, we're going to do this not in a moment, but at a different time.
00:09:05
Speaker
So that's, that's the first place I would start.
Roots and Normalization of Competitiveness
00:09:07
Speaker
So looking at kind of what our values are as a family, reminding them that it's okay to be competitive and also like why we're here.
00:09:16
Speaker
Then, okay, let's talk about what is going on underneath the surface. So competitive competitiveness comes from a strong internal drive.
00:09:28
Speaker
It can come from perfectionism. It can come from a fear of losing your identity or your status, like among siblings. so So especially as a middle child, their middle kids are often competitive.
00:09:42
Speaker
um A feeling of winning might have accidentally paired with a feeling of love or worthiness. So we want to normalize this behavior.
00:09:53
Speaker
And so, you know, not again, not when it's happening, but maybe they get really mad and then they've cooled down. Afterward, you're going one-on-one conversation and normalize the behavior.
00:10:05
Speaker
Hey, you got really mad about losing. I understand that. This is not a flaw. This is a sign that you care.
00:10:17
Speaker
But let's come up with some strategies. You might even ask him, like, does it, how do you feel after that happens? Not even like I was going to say, does it, does it feel bad in your body? But don't even lead it. Just say, what does it feel like to you after you get right mad? Or, you know, even, even naming that part of him that comes out, like kind of takes away some of the pressure. So like maybe that part of him is a shark and it's the shark coming out or the beast, um,
00:10:48
Speaker
as my partner says it of me, he's like, Oh, the beast is here. Uh, when I'm like, I have to accomplish this. I have to do this. And it it really, we can both laugh about it now that I'm like, okay, yeah, I am being the beast, but name it. Like maybe you give it a color, maybe you give it a shape and then that can help separate for your child that they aren't bad.
00:11:13
Speaker
You know, we don't want them to feel like, gosh, I was like that. And I'm bad. and Now everybody hates me. Like not only did I lose and I feel less lovable, but I lost and I made them mad at me. And so like now there's just this spiral we're going down. So helping them understand this isn't a flaw and, and making sure that, you know, this isn't a flaw.
00:11:31
Speaker
It's a sign that they care and you can help them cope. You can help them regulate. You can help them see like, I like this part of me. I need to remember I'm in charge of it. And I i know that part helps me. It's like my speed if I want to be a faster runner.
00:11:48
Speaker
um So normalize it for yourself and normalize it for them. And then let's talk about some language and tools that we can give him. Okay, if you're feeling worried that it's like the beginning of June and oh my gosh, why do I feel like my kid is already going to fall behind this summer? One, you're not alone. Two, you're not crazy because there actually is a lot of research that shows kids lose up to 20% of their school year gains that they just worked so hard on.
00:12:18
Speaker
And then they walk into the next school year and their confidence is crushed. But Here's the good news. That does not have to happen. And you don't have to have a battle this summer.
00:12:29
Speaker
I made a 75-page activity guide for you. Now, if you're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, that's way too much, think about it like this. Five fun games that you can do a week over the summer. New games that your kids are going love that don't feel like reading and writing practice but are research-backed. Science of reading research-backed fun games.
00:12:50
Speaker
that you can do if they have a play date or with your four-year-old and your seven-year-olds. They're fun and they're easy and they will keep kids reading, learning, and having fun. And I am not kidding. I have had dozens ah of DMs from you that have already got our activity guide saying, oh my gosh, I'm having so much fun teaching my kids and I can't tell who's having more fun, me or my kids.
00:13:11
Speaker
So you're going to feel confident. They're going feel confident. And it's not going to feel like you are running a summer school. So We're talking scavenger
Encouraging Effort Over Winning
00:13:20
Speaker
hunts that secretly build phonic skills, phonological awareness games that you can do in the car, road trip games that boost vocabulary, daily challenges that make reading feel like a treat and not a chore.
00:13:32
Speaker
And listen, I know i already told you everything is backed by research, but I also want you to know that I wanted to make this so simple. It is so affordable. It is less than $40 right now So Go to bigcityreaders.com if you want to make your child who is between the ages of four and eight feel successful, confident, and have fun learning this summer. If you don't, well, I don't think you would be here.
00:13:58
Speaker
So anyway, go check it out. Let me know if you have any questions and have fun reading with your kids this summer. Okay, let's get back to the episode. We can do some practice in flipping the script. So instead of saying to your child, don't be a sore loser. Nobody likes a sore loser, which I think I heard some of those things in my childhood. But we could try saying, I love how hard you tried.
00:14:23
Speaker
Tell me what you learned in that game. um my favorite entrepreneur, Sarah Blakely, the founder of Spanx. If you don't know her, you should definitely listen to her. But I've always said this and I felt so validated when I heard her say this in an interview, but I often model from the very beginning and I and i tell parents this all the time, let your said let your kids you fail.
00:14:47
Speaker
see you fail Let your kids see you fail. Kids are learning who they are and how to respond to things from watching us. For better or worse, they don't do what we say, they do what we do.
00:15:01
Speaker
how we talk to them becomes how they talk to themselves. So again, pickleball court, this is like quite embarrassing for me, but I, if I mess up, I'm like, Oh, come on, Beth.
00:15:14
Speaker
Or like my friends all laugh at me. Cause I'm like, Elizabeth, if I make a bad shot and somebody once said, well, I never have to be disappointed in you because you are the most disappointed in yourself when you lose. And I was like,
00:15:27
Speaker
wow. I was in a competition with a friend and I was like, that is so, I feel so exposed. So think about that when you want to say, don't be a sore loser.
00:15:40
Speaker
Do you want your child to say that to themselves? Or do you want your child to say to themselves, I tried really hard and I really cared about this game. I feel like I let my team down, but I did my best. So I didn't let my team down. I didn't let anyone down.
00:15:55
Speaker
They might be feeling and unable to name that. They feel like they let you down. Who's there watching their game. They feel like they're not worthy or lovable. There's so many things happening in there quickly developing brains.
00:16:10
Speaker
And so these quick flipping the script phrases can be a game changer, but remember, These pathways are formed over time. So just saying it once or twice or three times is not going to change overnight.
00:16:26
Speaker
Consistently doing this, even when they don't believe it, even when they're fighting you back, but consistently saying these new phrases is going to change overnight.
00:16:37
Speaker
how they talk to themselves over time. So instead of
Modeling Healthy Responses to Failure
00:16:40
Speaker
don't be a sore loser, try, i love how hard you tried. Tell me about what you learned. Oh, Sarah Blakely, sorry, said that her dad, so she was like the, I believe, i don't have a fact checker on this podcast, but on this podcast episode, often we do. But um ah she said that her dad would say, how did you fail today at the dinner table?
00:17:02
Speaker
And she was one of the, I think she was the first person unincorporated female billionaire. and Her company was before it which she went incorporated, but that that fact is not that relevant. Anyway, she says that she attributes that to her success, that her dad asked her how she failed. So she tried to fail.
00:17:23
Speaker
But what happens when you try to fail? You take more risks, you try more things. That's what she learned. So tell me what you learned instead of how many goals did you score? Did you win? Or what did you get on this spelling test? Or you know, how many people liked your shirt.
00:17:38
Speaker
That teaches our brain to look for the ways we're trying new things, taking risks and challenging ourselves rather than just a specific outcome of winning.
00:17:50
Speaker
And if there's a meltdown happening, try using humor to diffuse it. Oh, I saw that steam coming out of your ears. Want to rematch after we take a break and get some water? Practicing playing together And having those moments where you they're with their safe person and they can be mad and they can let that part of them come out is going to help them when they go and have those moments with their friends. So let them practice that part of them and go through it what they're going to do to cope with you.
00:18:24
Speaker
So we want to build a culture of graceful losing. And you can also do that by modeling what happens when you lose. And that might look like, oh, I'm so mad. I really wanted to win. But actually, I had a really fun time playing with you. So I'm I'm maybe we can play again.
00:18:41
Speaker
or asking them how they felt if you throw a fit because you didn't win Candyland. So I like to do this in really small moments, like maybe take eight minutes to play a game.
00:18:53
Speaker
And then just really thoughtfully modeling out loud. Like this is hard for me because it's new for me. i feel like I want to win, but I actually remember that I'm having a lot of fun because I'm doing this with you.
00:19:04
Speaker
So that's my goal. So finding the values, renaming the goals, making some of the goals, to mess up, making um their brains start to think about how they fail, what risks they take, and that that is what bravery is. That is what success is.
00:19:21
Speaker
And that competition is good. And naming that that's a part of them, that's not all of them, and showing them how to repair. We know that in parenting,
00:19:34
Speaker
It's not doing it perfectly. It's that we can show kids how to repair. So we don't need them to not have that happen. We need them to know how they can come back to themselves and how they can regulate and how they can.
00:19:46
Speaker
course correct if they maybe do get upset with their friend or like they are too much and too big. And to say, to come back and say like, Hey, sorry. Like i really thought that ball was in and it was out, but
Books for Emotional Vocabulary and Resilience
00:20:00
Speaker
let's rematch, you know, like showing them how to move through.
00:20:04
Speaker
i think our generation, I'm just assuming that everyone here is a millennial. I know not everyone is, but our generation forgets that like I'll be talking to a friend and they're like, I have just, I just yelled at my kid and I'm so worried they're going cry at school. And I was like, they are fine because you're their parent.
00:20:23
Speaker
You are the one that's more upset. I think like we, we are, are more worried and and these kids really are fine. They, they really are. You know, then her son was like, what? She's like, are you okay? I'm sorry. And he's like, for what?
00:20:36
Speaker
Totally moved on. So we're we're raising a generation that is a bit more regulated, I think, than most of the last generation. so remember, like it might be you that's more worried about his friendships than him as well.
00:20:51
Speaker
Okay, so now let's get to the best part, the book lists and how to use them. So these books aren't just for bedtime. They're for building your emotional vocabulary, practicing empathy, and seeing that it's okay to not always win.
00:21:06
Speaker
Remember, you can reread these books. Like I would say read it once, leave it out, Then the second or third time talk about what that book meant.
00:21:17
Speaker
um Do you ever watch a show and then you're like rewatching it ah for me, the office, and I like see things differently or it relates to my life differently at different times. And I must've watched the whole series.
00:21:29
Speaker
i don't know, 50 times. That seems insane, but it kind of feels accurate and under, under the amount that I've watched it But yeah, reread the book. Don't just read it one time. Like let them think about it in different ways. Let them think about it in their own way. Like you don't need to say like, does this remind you of how you feel? Like just leave enough room.
00:21:52
Speaker
So maybe it's pausing after turning the page. Maybe it's modeling the next day, how the book made you think. So remember reread them. Less is more.
00:22:03
Speaker
um And here's the list. And I will link this in the show notes. If you are listening, you can go to the show notes and get this list. But the book list is this one's my favorite. The Most Magnificent Thing by Ashley Spires.
00:22:16
Speaker
It is about perfection, resilience and frustration. This character is trying to build something and keeps failing and feeling really big feelings, but keeps coming back to try and seeing that they made a bunch of new things.
00:22:32
Speaker
Jabari Jumps um by Gaia Cornwell. um orgaa um This one is about confidence, self-talk, and bravery.
00:22:43
Speaker
So it's great for little kids and big kids, but ah the kid who really wants to win but is afraid of failing, this is a great one. Remember, all these books are just conversation starters. This is not going to teach your kid the conversation that you have about the book is what's going to change how they think.
00:23:03
Speaker
um What Do You Do With a Problem by Kobe Yamada is all about mindset, growth mindset, and fear of failure. ah It shows you how facing challenges can lead to creativity and learning.
00:23:17
Speaker
Zach Gets Frustrated by William Mulcahy. i'm I'm messing up his name, but it is about emotional regulation And it is explicit. This book is pretty explicit in directly teaching kids how to recognize and name their frustration.
00:23:36
Speaker
These are all picture books, but I think that you should always be reading picture books to your kids, no matter how old they get. ah Ricky the Rock That Couldn't Roll by Jay Maletsky is about friendship, teamwork, and differences.
00:23:51
Speaker
ah This rock can't roll like his friends, but he learns his own kind of success. The Invisible Boy by Trudy Ludwig is about inclusion and empathy, and um it helps kids that are competitive see the value in kindness and how to teach their brain to notice others.
00:24:08
Speaker
ah The Smart Cookie by Jory John is about comparing yourself to others, your self-worth. um And it's for kids who feel a lot of pressure to be the best at all times.
00:24:20
Speaker
Of course, one of my favorites is The Magical Yet. And that teaches a kids about growth mindset and how to think about and process things that they might not be able to do yet.
00:24:33
Speaker
And then another great one is The My Fantastic Elastic Brain. Again, that's another growth mindset book. So All of these books are great starters. Like anything, like like I always say, curriculum sits in a box.
00:24:47
Speaker
You are the one that's going to teach your kid. These books are a tool. They are not going to teach your kid. No book, no tool, no activity is going to be the thing that teaches your kid. These are all tools. So you don't need to get all of these. You could get one of these
Strategies for Managing Competitive Emotions
00:25:00
Speaker
or two of these and use it as a starting point to have these conversations.
00:25:04
Speaker
I would also do all of the things mentioned before, talk about values, talk about that's a part of you, help them know like that their worth is not tied to winning and that they can repair and recover from an emotional outburst. Um, whether it's in school or at, on the field or at home, that they are not less worthy of love if they lose, if they have a fit, but they can have the tools to repair.
00:25:32
Speaker
Um, so say,
00:25:37
Speaker
One last takeaway, create rage monster plans. I like that you said he's a rage monster. You could even name that rage monster. um Before a game night, talk about safe words or reset tools. Often a safe word that you can come up with your child, um like penguin, um helps them remember to regulate. You could talk about taking deep breaths, giving them visuals to practice through this and giving them cues if they're like in this spiral, in this rage monster spiral, can they, if you say like, oh, i saw a cute penguin at the zoo today.
00:26:12
Speaker
Does that remind them take a deep breath, take a walk around? Maybe you're going to give them the cue that they can say like, oh, I forgot my water bottle or give them a phrase they can say to tell you they need some help regulating because they are still learning how to regulate and we are helping them learn how to regulate themselves. So Give them the option and the reminder that they are not alone in this and it's not too much for you. It's not too scary and it's not too much for them. They can actually handle it as well.
00:26:40
Speaker
um Praise process over outcome. You were so focused on You, i saw you communicating with your teammates really well. You were a really good leader on the field versus you won, you scored that goal. um And encourage solo challenges, puzzles, beat your own time.
00:27:02
Speaker
we don't want to squash this part of their brain. we just want to maybe readjust where it is. So the goal here is to be a good teammate, but maybe it's in swimming. The goal is to beat your own time. Maybe it's to do this puzzle by yourself. So use that part in different areas, not just in a team sport, uh, to make sure that you're kind of focusing on helping him with his friendships and,
00:27:28
Speaker
Last, you are doing such a great job noticing this and noticing this early. Your child is so lucky to have you as a parent. You don't need to fix your kid. They are already perfect and amazing, and that competition is good.
00:27:41
Speaker
You are just ready to guide him to use his powers a little bit more smoothly. All right. This is, going to wrap it up here.
00:27:53
Speaker
And if you have a question or want this book list, I'm going to link it in the show notes and um I will be answering your questions all summer long.