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Two Introverts Sit In A Room... and do nothing
7 Plays1 day ago
What happens when two introverts are in a room together? lots of stuff maybe?
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Transcript
Introduction and Email Privacy
00:00:00
Speaker
the button has been hit I'm hitting that button are doing are we doing what are we reading the we shouldn't read the email right no don't read the email just the person's name yeah okay just checking sorry gang we actually got a real question I think yeah oh my god a real question because of course other questions are real but I've been like someone who we don't know that we think we don't know yeah that's a question so we're excited last thing I want to do is dox you Yes, I was going say, don't don't yeah just put their blood type in there, too. Yeah. ah
00:00:35
Speaker
Voldalim all shook
Introverts vs Extroverts: Social Energy
00:00:36
Speaker
up. Uh-huh. So, good morning, good afternoon, and good evening, ladies, gentlemen, and people. Up, down, all around, in between, out of between... out of between out of between yeah binary how we never talk about out between we only ever talk about in between right what it what would be out you know what we're getting sidetracked already question not the question for today uh it's very nice to see you welcome to toq where i am danny guarantee and i answer silly questions with my friend adam hello adam hi hey what's up what's going on buddy how you doing
00:01:10
Speaker
I'm a little tired from flying from Dallas. but All right. good Good to hear from you. Anyway, we're going to answer questions as if anybody actually cares a crap but we can't what we say. hello I'm so excited. Hey, don't forget you're supposed to do this all in Gen Alpha slang for week. Oh, yeah, no.
00:01:28
Speaker
I'm so excited that we have a real question like from somebody we don't know that I'm stumbling all over my words. ah So please stay tuned. We're still we're going to do it. Yeah. You want to just jump right into it?
00:01:41
Speaker
Yeah, I guess. Go for it. All right.
Introverts Together: Dynamics Explored
00:01:44
Speaker
So ah our listener, Anthony, they want to know. What do you get if you put two introverts into a room?
00:01:55
Speaker
ah Well, you're an introvert. So you say self described, yes. I've been I've been described as an extroverted introvert. Tell me what you think an introvert is, first of all. Let's like dive into what that is. Somebody who gets.
00:02:13
Speaker
ah Tired from interacting with other people, not necessarily that they're not outgoing, but they can only do it for so long before they need their alone time to unwind and relax.
00:02:27
Speaker
Right. like that Or just somebody who typically is energized internally by internal resources sources rather than external resources.
00:02:39
Speaker
um Or you're like me and you're just tired and you're not energized anything. That's also true. Yeah. Whereas an extrovert, they feel the best and most fulfilled when they're interacting with other people.
00:02:52
Speaker
ah This doesn't necessarily mean they're the most outgoing person in the room, but they do tend to be more outgoing because that's how they find their fulfillment. I think they're crazy. Yeah, I've heard that a lot as an extrovert.
00:03:05
Speaker
But something that a misconception is that like people often think, with introversion, extroversion, like if you're the life of the party and you're really good at talking to people, that must mean you're extroverted.
00:03:20
Speaker
But that's not true. That just means that you're outgoing. You can be introversion doesn't mean that you're not an outgoing person. It just means you have a preference for how you build yourself back up. Right. And I think that's where I am.
00:03:35
Speaker
Like, because again, my friends call me the extroverted introvert because I have Almost no problem talking to people, you know. um And but after I'm, you know, at a party, let's say, with a bunch of people and I spent all day talking to people and having fun.
00:03:51
Speaker
Right. I need like three days home alone in the quiet, just playing video games by myself to unwind and sleep normal again. Yeah, that was very apparent when I spent the weekend at your house. Oh, dude.
00:04:04
Speaker
I think I tuckered you out Friday before the party. Yes, we were absolutely tired before. Like, yeah, we were tired when you came over, which, you know, I was telling people at the party, I'm like, yeah, so it's like we had a kid for a
Introverts in Social Situations
00:04:18
Speaker
night.
00:04:18
Speaker
we took We took a mini golfing and we, you know, we took him out for ice cream.
00:04:26
Speaker
What are we going to do next? We just babysat for a night. Hey, listen, I was happy to hang out at your place and watch the movies. No, it was. It was super fun. I had a great time. Great pictures, mini golf. And then I got to try orange soda in a chocolate ice cream milkshake or whatever all I got. And it was fucking dope.
00:04:45
Speaker
It was so good. um But yeah, so just before we get to that question, just so people at home who are listening understand, because like I've been hearing this a lot, like just what you were saying, an ambivert is the term your friends are looking to use.
00:04:57
Speaker
So like. so like It's about how you recharge or how you build yourself up. What brings you the most fulfillment? Do you prefer to have it through internal resources such as internal sources like reflection, reading, just quiet time, peace of mind?
00:05:15
Speaker
Or if you're somebody who does isn't as reflective at first, not that I'm not somebody who reflects on my thoughts in my day. Obviously, I do, but it's not my preference. I feel better when I have people to interact with, when I can learn about them, when I can talk to them, when I can hear from them.
00:05:30
Speaker
So everybody... But you can be an extroverted person who might not be the life of the party, like but when they get that one-on-one time with somebody, that really makes them feel good. And that's more so me. I can be the life of the party. Give me a microphone, and I'm emcee of the fucking year.
00:05:46
Speaker
But I don't want to be in a loud room filled with people where conversation is damn near impossible without screaming. That's not fun for me. I don't want to be in that environment.
Navigation of Social Cues
00:05:56
Speaker
It's not connectivity that I'm getting. It's just noise.
00:05:59
Speaker
Right. So there's just different ways to be expressive and to interact. But it's all about how you feel when you're done doing it. Do you feel shittier afterwards or do you feel better afterwards? Yeah.
00:06:10
Speaker
Like, let let me put this way. An easy way to know which you are. Right. Have somebody come over for a bit. How do you feel when they leave? ah Like I said, we had Adam come over for but like two, a little bit over two days.
00:06:24
Speaker
And we had a party in the middle of that. And then after that, I had to take a work from home week because like i couldn't I couldn't go in. I think that party was especially draining for you. It wasn't even, I think it was. Oh, it yeah yeah was awful in terms of like ah introverted, like needing to rest afterwards. But it was a great party. I had a great time.
00:06:45
Speaker
Yeah, I love our friends and everybody had a really good time as far as I could tell. But God, i I immediately emailed my boss and was like, hey, I'm not coming in this week. I need to stay home this week.
00:07:02
Speaker
Understandable, honestly. Yeah. um so. so Having said that, what happens when there's two introverts in the room is the question. And by um from from whom was that?
00:07:15
Speaker
This is from our listener, Anthony. All right. So I feel like this is quite an interpretive question because I guess it depends on how you interpret what an introvert is. Because I think, well, you know what?
00:07:31
Speaker
You're the introvert of between the two of us. What is your interpretation of this question? I think... it we'll go off of the more layman's definition, where it's just introverts don't want to talk to people, extroverts do.
00:07:47
Speaker
It's simpler that way, it's how most people understand it. I'll answer the question that way. In which case, you get the sound of silence. Yeah. but Yeah, you get probably, you know, two people looking at each other awkwardly for a little while before finally one of them says something.
00:08:06
Speaker
And then I bet you 10 bucks they become friends. They've they realize that they have something in common, and ah be it, you know, sports,
Respecting Personal Space
00:08:15
Speaker
anime, video games, whatever movies.
00:08:18
Speaker
um They talk to each other a bunch about whatever that thing is, but then inevitably one of them was going to crash. and just be like, my social battery is done. OK, I need to go. I see. Yes.
00:08:38
Speaker
So you think that's just an ultimate that's just that is an inevitable fact that someone's going to crash, even if it's two introverts in the room? I think so. I think eventually will if they have something in common, right? Because people love something about them.
00:08:54
Speaker
Yes, people love to talk about things that interest them, right? So sure. If two of them, if they find something in common that they're both really into, they'll talk for a while, but then eventually one of them is going to be like, OK, the battery is out.
00:09:09
Speaker
I'm running out of things to talk about on the subject, and I just want to crawl up in my bed and go to sleep. The other person may be getting there, too, but has a bit more stamina, social stamina.
00:09:21
Speaker
Oh, I like that that phrase. um Social stamina. The social stamina to keep going all day. yeah um They might have you know bit more social stamina. They may not pick up on the social cues because introverts are notoriously great at social cues. Like, I'm slowly backing away and turning my body. Why are they still talking to me?
00:09:47
Speaker
Hmm.
00:09:50
Speaker
Um, OK. So what do you think as an outsider looking in? Well, I mean, like I guess it depends because like. There's such a spectrum of kinds of people that even if you fall on the X, like I only met a couple of other extroverts in my life, so I can't speak a ton to that, but I've met plenty of introverts that.
00:10:14
Speaker
Like. Some are really personable and very attentive and. very outgoing or at least very kind. And I've met introverts who are still assholes.
00:10:25
Speaker
I've also met introverts who like like you said, if you find this and that's my specialty is finding the thing to get people talking is once I get them talking, they won't shut the fuck up and they have like no social awareness that other people may have things to say because they're just gone going on and on and on.
00:10:43
Speaker
So there's a huge spectrum of kind of people. So I guess it just depends on like what kind of personalities are in the room.
Mindfulness at Conferences
00:10:50
Speaker
Right. Because i I like to think that there are. Because like contrary to the Internet's belief, I don't think every group of introverts has an extrovert. I just don't think that's true.
00:11:02
Speaker
I don't believe that. um I think they think there's somebody who is the more maybe outgoing person. Who is there? The one that talks to the waiter or the one that orders the pizza or the one that makes the plans or the one that makes decisions. But like, I don't think that's like the extrovert. That's just the one that's like, I just want to get something done.
00:11:20
Speaker
um So I guess it just kind of depends. Like, is there someone who can be really chatty if you find the thing you want to talk about? ah you know, or is it just, is it, or is it, or they already friends and it's just a hangout? Because I've witnessed introversion hangout with my friends where an idea for them to hang out as they go to a pottery workshop, um somewhere like an hour away, they all meet there separately and they sit in this quiet place where they serve tea and they paint these little figures and eventually they heat in a kiln or something.
00:11:51
Speaker
And, know, They barely talk to each other and occasionally something will come up and they'll say, oh, yeah, did you blah, blah, blah, blah? And that conversation will go for maybe three, four minutes and then it dies and then they just keep working. And no one's upset that there's no more conversation for a while. Personal silence.
00:12:10
Speaker
Yeah. They're just happy doing this little project. They, something to do with their hands. It keeps them occupied. And frankly, I think it makes them braver to have conversations because they at least have something observable that they say, Oh, I really like how that owl was turning out or, Oh, that's a cute deer that you made.
00:12:28
Speaker
You know, like that's kind of the, this stuff that keeps things going if they want it to happen. So that's like, if I'm imagining this question, my interpretation is just a couple of people who are just like, let's do this activity that if we want to talk, we can, but we don't have to like, it's just, let's watch a movie with our phones out or something. yeah You know, I, I actually give huge props to that friend group that can just sit there and quiet and work with each other like that because At least personally, if there's one thing I hate more than like being stuck in a room with somebody else and having to talk to them for a while, it's if it goes silent, if the conversation dies and it goes silent. And now you have that really tense, awkward silence.
00:13:18
Speaker
I'm just sitting there and like my my father in law, for example, he. Isn't like like he, you know, we'll talk, but. he understands personable silence better than I do.
00:13:30
Speaker
So if ever we're in a car together and it's just me and him, it's not out of the realm the possibility that it gets really quiet. And he doesn't mind that at all. Meanwhile, I'm sitting there fidgeting like, it's just weird just sitting here with you and just nothing. Yeah, I think.
00:13:51
Speaker
It's not his fault. Yeah, I think yeah it just kind of like I said, there's different like there. Yeah, I know introverts who are just like they feel compelled to always talk. Sometimes I feel that way. Frankly, I'm trying to be better about just letting silence happen for a while.
00:14:07
Speaker
um And it is hard. I feel that anxiety that you have about that when I would much rather be talking. But my anxiety comes from do they want me to talk more? Are they feeling anxious that I'm not talking now?
00:14:18
Speaker
Do they want me to stop talking? You know, where, because like, I know i can be a lot. I know I can exhaust people quicker. So I'm like, ah, did I do it? Did I help them? that i Did they reach a wall?
00:14:30
Speaker
So I get that. But there are some people, like I said, that are just like, as long as they have something to do, like they're fine to just sit there and not talk. And that still feels good to them because the social interaction is limited, but they have the option if they choose.
00:14:43
Speaker
i ah One thing I know about myself is i tend to take body language more personally than I think I should these days.
00:14:54
Speaker
You take periods after sentences and text messages. Seriously. That's a real thing. And I will die on that hill. um But like if I'm talking to somebody and they pull out their phone for a second and look at something, something
Mindfulness and Personal Connections
00:15:11
Speaker
that's not weird to do anymore, right? Like I will stop and I will wait for them.
00:15:18
Speaker
Or like we say if two introverts are in a room, if I go in the room and the other person's just sitting there looking bored, I'll go talk to them. But if they're on their phone, even if they really want to talk, but like they're like ah they feel awkward, too. So they're just kind of like, oh, I'll just pretend to be on my phone.
00:15:36
Speaker
If I see you on your phone, I'm not going to talk to you because I'm going to feel like an asshole pulling you away from your phone. Because if I were really doing something and somebody just randomly came over and was like, hey,
00:15:47
Speaker
I feel like, oh, all right. Hey. um Yeah, I don't. Yeah, I guess I'm a little different that way. Like, I think it depends on the setting, because like if someone's on their phone, but they're they went to a group gathering.
00:16:03
Speaker
My thing is, like, maybe they just don't know how to get in with the group. Like if they got isolated or like or people start talking about something like I. I used to have a lot of friends who were all in the military around the same time.
00:16:16
Speaker
And every time they got together, that's all the fuck they'd want to talk about. So there's times where i'm like, I don't even know how to get into this conversation because they're talking about shit that I don't know anything about. So, but I would see other people who would be in similar situations where they're like, I don't know how to get into this conversation. I want to be included. Or maybe you don't know how to raise your voice or be heard in a conversation because you think it's rude or you're looking for your opening.
00:16:38
Speaker
But again, there's somebody who isn't perceiving others and they just don't give a break for people to talk. So ah yeah, I think it just kind of depends on the situation for me. Like if I see somebody on their phone and they're separated from everyone else, I'm go check on them.
00:16:55
Speaker
I'm not going to hey, fucking talk to me. But I'm like, hey, like, are you good? you want to come and hang out with us? We're talking about this. We're doing this in the yard. We're playing pickleball, like whatever. Like just to make sure like, hey, you can be included if you want. And I'll be the one who holds your hand to get you there.
00:17:09
Speaker
Right. um Which I've had a lot of success with. So it just kind of for me, it just depends on if they say, no, I'm good. I'm just, you know, hitting up my dating apps. I'm like, all right, cool. I'll be outside if you need me. Just come get me. That's right. Yeah.
00:17:23
Speaker
But people have to learn to use their words, man. They have to learn to use their words. All right, side tangent now.
Communication Preferences and Adaptation
00:17:29
Speaker
When I'm at work, sometimes we have downtime. so Or even if I'm working, I'll sometimes have YouTube on with like music playing or ah podcast, something.
00:17:42
Speaker
So I will have that on. I'll have an earbud in, and I'm working, like actively working. And my coworkers... This work goes for all of them.
00:17:54
Speaker
Will just walk up and start talking to me. I'm like, well, first of all, rude. Second of all, I can't hear you because I have my headphones in and you didn't even give me a chance to notice you before you started speaking.
00:18:09
Speaker
So I sit there and I'm like, how do you not feel kind of awkward when I when I then pull out my earphones, pause my video and then look at you? I would be like, Oh my God, I'm so sorry. I'll come back later. Or, you know, are you sure you have time right now? But they're just like, yeah, so I went to the mall the other day and this and that. And I'm like Oh, come on. I don't care, dude. Like that is one of my, i was, it's funny you mentioned that I was just talking to a coworker at the airport about like my younger brother and how, when we did have a phone call, how he always started conversations.
00:18:46
Speaker
Um, And there are others in my life that do something similar where they'll start, like you said, yeah, so like they'll say, yeah, so any like Jonathan would always call me and say, so anyway, as if we were talking already, as if we were mid conversation and we got an interruption. And so, but that's, so anyway, this happened. Okay. Hi. Hello. It's not even hello. Hello. What's up? I swear to God. It's just, so anyway,
00:19:14
Speaker
I'm thinking,
Introversion/Extroversion Spectrum
00:19:15
Speaker
what the fuck? The same coworker that will just walk up to me and just start talking refuses to do that over like my work messenger app.
00:19:26
Speaker
They always say hi and then wait for me to say hi back before they ask their question. Oh, really? It drives me nuts. I'm like, can you please just put hi, comma, question?
00:19:39
Speaker
Do you really need to just say hi and wait for me to say hi back? It's like they're waiting for permission. Yeah, like, oh, my God. just I've yelled at them for it, too. And they're like, no, I'm just going to do it the way I like.
00:19:52
Speaker
Well, then that's just terrible communication then. i think I think there's nothing wrong with saying this is how I like to be communicated with. Can you compromise in some way? like Especially if you're trying to be more efficient in your communication about work.
00:20:06
Speaker
That's just she she was like, it's I feel like it's rude to to not say hi. I'm like, right. But you're not telling her to do that with everyone else. You're just saying with me, you can just say this. Actually, I prefer if you did. And I'm not even saying don't say hi. You can say hi, comma, and I'll respond. Right. Hello, comma.
00:20:25
Speaker
It's fine. model I'll model the behavior for you and I'll send you a message saying, hi, I was curious about blah. Yeah, I started to do it.
00:20:36
Speaker
I started maliciously complying with her ah to get back at her because. ah is sounds so bad. She is hard of hearing.
00:20:46
Speaker
She's deaf. Not completely, but you know, yeah ah so sometimes if you ping her computer, if she's not looking, she won't notice it. ah She has a great personality. We joke with each other all the time.
00:20:59
Speaker
i promise you I'm not doing this maliciously or anything like that, but I'll just send hi And she won't notice it. So I'll send another one and another one.
00:21:10
Speaker
And then I'll just start sending them rapid fire. And she'll finally look up and see like 20 of them. And she'll just look at me and be like, really? Incredible.
00:21:23
Speaker
Well, I think maybe to get back to the question, we. Yes, when happens when you what happens when you put two introverts in a room? I think it's just a spectrum of responses based on if you have the nervous chatters, if you have the people who prefer to sit in silence with an activity, if you're just watching a movie.
00:21:46
Speaker
But I think really what we should take away from this question is that every group needs a nice mixture of personalities. And something I've learned is through my introverted friends,
00:22:03
Speaker
is they communicate when they're in a room with Often a lot of silence or a lot of prefabricated phrases that helps them get through a day.
00:22:14
Speaker
You know, like the general work cooler stuff around the water cooler shit like, oh, what can you do? Mondays, right? You know, there's a lot of like preloaded responses that helps them get through conversations.
00:22:27
Speaker
But something that I have taken away from when my introverts are in the room and with me that I have really appreciated. My introverts. Yeah. Yeah, my introverts. just Because every now and then an introvert comes around and that's how introverts make friends, an extroverted doctor or at least or introvert or introduces them to another introvert. Am I one of your introverts, Tatum?
00:22:51
Speaker
Yeah, absolutely. Oh, shucks. I knew that the moment you were shocked at me talking to strangers at the store. I knew 100% certainty. I was like, well, that's one of my extroverts. I have to keep him safe and and secure when we're in public because I'm not going to stop talking to people, but I have to be mindful of how you approach talking to people or how you perceive that.
00:23:11
Speaker
So absolutely. I've only met one other semi extrovert in the past several years and I work with her and I'm learning that her kind of.
00:23:22
Speaker
Actually, if I can do a slight tangent, I think that this is something that I'm learning that I am. I didn't realize this until a second ago, as I said it, but I am learning about extroversion in a new way too, which is like why I felt like such a ah pro and introversion because like, I'm not that so I can observe it more, but to kind of get to it where people call you an extroverted introvert.
00:23:44
Speaker
If that's the case, then we would call this person who I'm speaking with and hanging out with an introverted extrovert. Right. Even though that's not true. Right. How would that She is somebody much like me. We connected on being able to have very in-depth, very personal, very philosophical questions and conversations. She really likes that. And I do, too. Like I said, I don't want to be.
00:24:05
Speaker
in a loud bar where I can barely hear someone that just because people are around, that is not what energizes me. It's the interaction with people that energizes me. And so she's very similar, except she likes it in a much more quiet format.
00:24:19
Speaker
She wants no distractions. However, if others want to come and sit down, she's more than excited. Like, yeah, sit with us. Let's talk. ah She's kind of like a hippie dippy smokes weed, likes to hang out in nature. Hell yeah. 420 blaze it.
00:24:32
Speaker
Yeah, so she's very much kind of, you know, that kind of person. And I'm recognizing in her that while she is powered up by that, just like I am, she's also not the first one to speak up right away.
00:24:46
Speaker
Although when she does, she speaks with like confidence and ah determination and and very much like a. You can hear that she's passionate about what she's speaking about. She's almost always somebody who will grab a microphone at a conference and ask a question.
00:25:02
Speaker
But. When it comes to making the move or speaking in front of people or making that first move to say, hey, I need something. She's a little bit more timid and will test the waters first. Well, I'm just like, hey, I'm just going to hammer you with my – You're the one that when they say the food is ready, gets right up and goes.
00:25:20
Speaker
Right. Or she's with everybody else waiting for the first person to go. Well, not exactly. i wouldn't say I'm the first person to go get it, but I'm the first person to draw attention to it. If people are nervous to be like, oh, should we get up or should we wait for others? I'm like, no, no, get the fuck up. It's time to go eat. Yeah. like let's oh But I also will not leave someone behind. I was just doing that at airport because somebody who was shorter and has even more worse ADHD than I do gets distracted and they get left behind a lot.
00:25:46
Speaker
So I kept making sure that I was the caboose. Like if I'm, if you see me last, there's no one else behind us in our group. so I don't want people to be left behind. But anyway, I do. I'm learning that there's like different levels of extroversion to where they crave that same level of interpersonality and interaction.
00:26:02
Speaker
But, maybe they're not as craving a like for like a bigger group interaction where I excel in groups, too. But again, if we are all able to talk and share, not just like fucking loud music pool smoke we everywhere. I always say that in terms of like if I do have to interact with people, I always prefer ah like a group of like five ish is ideal for me.
00:26:28
Speaker
And then
Mindfulness for Focus and Connection
00:26:30
Speaker
like a one on one, like I would prefer to be in a small, tight group. Then with a single person, you know, if ah agree for me, a perfect day hanging out.
00:26:42
Speaker
Actually, my bachelor party before I got married was just me and like five other friends at a pool. That's it. That's all I wanted. It's like this is perfect. It's people I love that are around me.
00:26:56
Speaker
You know, we all got along really well. ah Yeah, more doesn't always mean better. Yeah, I wouldn't have wanted anything else. Yep. Yeah, I feel the very same. but Although I do like one-on-ones just as much as I love a small group.
00:27:08
Speaker
And again, if I'm in front of a crowd and I can speak to all of them, that is also fun for me. So like that is engaging because I get to see them react and interact and and and maybe ask questions or at least I get to, you know, maybe get a laugh or two when I'm up in front. Like, give me a microphone. I'm i'm i' see and i'm actually better at doing like speeches and like talking to large groups like that on a, you know, one to everybody basis.
00:27:36
Speaker
Right. I'm better at that than a one on one. Yeah, I think it's fun because then I can I kind of just go into performance mode. Yep. um And yeah, it doesn't bother me to speak to an entire group of people like that.
00:27:52
Speaker
Yeah, I feel weirder standing in a group with a microphone asking a question. I felt myself I was at a conference the past few days in Dallas and I wanted to ask questions, but they weren't fully formed. So I didn't want to stutter on the microphone in front of like 900 other people.
00:28:06
Speaker
But I was in the crowd. But the moment I had a chance to get up and like talk to the crowd, it was fucking easy. But in the moment, I'm like, I don't know if what I'm thinking is like formulated enough to sound smart. Yeah. Yeah. Proherent.
00:28:18
Speaker
ah But you put me in front of a mic like the moment i I moment. It's me looking at the crowd. It's way different than being being in the crowd, because, again, like that's not as fulfilling for me. um But I did get a few shots off that were good. But um but yeah. So anyway, just to kind of round it out, I think what we're saying is like there's different personalities.
00:28:36
Speaker
that can interact in ah two introverts walk into a room or sit into a room. um I think you can absolutely get some good conversation there, even if they are introverts. They'll just be tired afterwards.
00:28:51
Speaker
Yeah, you can be outgoing and still be an introvert. You can be reserved, ah but be an extrovert. Absolutely.
Mindfulness as a Radical Act
00:29:00
Speaker
um So, Danny, I know we're coming close to our cutoff time here, but I was wondering if I could speak a little bit more on something that I have been practicing since I got home from my conference.
00:29:12
Speaker
Oh, I'd prefer if you didn't. OK, well, thanks, everybody, for coming out. Thanks, everyone. No, no, please. Of course. right So I went to this conference in Dallas. It was Feeding America conference and they're.
00:29:28
Speaker
you know, and they talk about different programs, different approaches and how to help your partner and your network and things. But there was one title that I read before I left that really stuck out to me and it has a long title, but the first few words were the ones that i that meant the most to me.
00:29:42
Speaker
And the words were mindfulness as a radical act. And I thought, what a great series of fucking words to put together. Interesting. And I was excited about it all week and I got to go to it on Wednesday afternoon.
00:29:56
Speaker
And, um, The guy who spoke to us was... He was a he taught yoga for a long time. ah He practiced Buddhism for a while.
00:30:09
Speaker
He told us more about his history. I can't remember all of it, but like a lot of it was just him jumping between these different fields to try to find something that brought him peace because he lived a very chaotic life. But he was also very big into the punk rock scene as a kid and as a youngster and still is in his mid-40s.
00:30:25
Speaker
And he expressed... something that I thought was interesting based on the Superman movie I saw recently. So I've been like really like leaning into like kindness is punk rock right now.
00:30:36
Speaker
So, but then when I read mindfulness, I thought, well, what's the difference? Like what, what is he going to get at that? I haven't already thought of. And so his idea was that punk rock and mindfulness have a lot of overlap.
00:30:47
Speaker
And, uh, so up what he did in the very beginning to practice mindfulness was he went over, ah What was it? Like ah ah a diaphragmatic breathing exercise. And there's a lot of ways you can do them that divers do to expand their lungs and shit.
00:31:03
Speaker
But one of them that he showed us was to breathe in for a count of three. And then right before you finish breathing all the way in, you do what's called packing more air and you kind of suck in the last little bit that you can.
00:31:14
Speaker
So it kind of sounds like you're doing almost like a snort where you go like, huh? Right. And you kind of really just pull whatever's left into that that you can on top of what air you just sucked in. And then you blow it out very slowly for six seconds. And he had us do that three or four times in a row.
00:31:28
Speaker
And he said to be very. He said, just be very mindful of your breath. And it sounds like very hippy dippy and very yoga asking it. And it is. But for the first time, as I was in a room with.
00:31:40
Speaker
Probably 80 other people doing this exercise. For a minute there at the at the at the top of the second one, the second rotation, there was a moment where like I couldn't like my brain just went black for a second.
00:31:53
Speaker
I thought I fell unconscious for a brief moment, ah which was a little scary. But at the same time, like ah it was like a weird. i don't want to call it out of body experience, but like for the for the moment as I was breathing out. So clearly I didn't pass out.
00:32:06
Speaker
But after I sucked in that air that second time for just a moment, as I held it for an extra second before I breathed out. I don't know, I felt like my heart stopped, but in the kind of like a frozen in time kind of way, not in a I just died kind of way.
00:32:19
Speaker
And as I blew out that air for a brief moment, all I could hear was like how loud my breath was as I was breathing out. And I'd never felt that before because I do breathing exercises all the time at work and in my personal life just to calm myself down.
00:32:31
Speaker
That was the first time I really focused because he had us also put our hand on our belly to try to practice belly breathing versus chest breathing. And I've never really thought to do that before. Um, so he says, if you don't feel your stomach getting bigger and smaller as you breathe, focus on the expansion of your stomach and like your hand moving farther away from like where you placed it because your belly is getting bigger. Right.
00:32:52
Speaker
And so what I'm kind of get at that, i that I wanted to share, there's a little bit more to it than what I'm about to say, but, um, Being mindful, even in that moment of like what my breath sounds like and like the pattern of my breathing, like we do it so autonomously when we breathe, we don't think about that.
00:33:07
Speaker
Even when we have a panic attack, we're constantly just, you know, we're just constantly just like power breathing, ven hyperventilating. And that was a very powerful thing to do. And that helped. The reason I want to share this with you is because of what happened next.
00:33:19
Speaker
So he started us off on doing that. And then have you ever heard of the 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 mindfulness exercise? No. He had us. So what you do is you start off with announcing five things that you can see, four things that you can hear, three things that you can feel, two things that you can smell, and one thing that you can taste.
00:33:42
Speaker
Um, and whether you can get through all of them is irrelevant. It's just helping you to clock where you are and to observe where you are and what's around you and who's around you. And to like kind of get in touch with what your senses are.
00:33:53
Speaker
And I've never done that before. I've heard of it, but I've never practiced it myself. Um, And it was a little challenging getting to the smell and taste. i was like, what can I smell? But at first I was like, the the air conditioning is like really cold. And my brain is thinking as I breathe in, my nose is cold from breathing in this cold air. So I was just, but it's something I never thought about before, but i was like, it's really cold air.
00:34:13
Speaker
And then I was focusing on that. I noticed the gal next to me had like ah kind of like a lavender body spray that she was using and I didn't notice it when I sat down next to her because it wasn't very like powerful which I appreciated but as I was thinking about it I picked up a whiff of it as she was moving around and I was like oh okay like now I'm picking up on stuff now that I'm finding something else to focus on which it became less of like a a word search or like a scavenger hunt and felt more like ah i was just like excited to pick up more stuff that was happening around me with like without with no agenda other than just to do it.
00:34:46
Speaker
And I would really recommend it because it was really fun and really interesting and like kind of helped me kind of set the tone for the rest of the seminar, which leads me to the last thing that I wanted to share. And I wanted to start with those because it was easier for me to risk like sometimes you hear things, but you don't receive it.
00:35:03
Speaker
i don't know if you know what I mean by that, but. Yeah, like it goes one ear out the other. Yeah, like like not even that it goes on one ear out the other, but like you think it's not for you, right? ah Like if you sit in a crowd and someone says, hey, you matter, right? Some people hear those words and they think, oh, that's a nice thing, but that's not for me.
00:35:21
Speaker
That's not directed to me. i like Or are they're just saying it to be nice. like you don't Like receiving it means that you let it in. Right. um And so and you take it and you're like, this is mine. This was for me. I can have this.
00:35:34
Speaker
And so I was able to receive more of what happened next because these exercises helped me to, like, be more present, which. I always thought that I had been because um I try to be attentive in conversation, but I don't think I'm always present when I'm alone or in a situation where I'm not getting to talk or hear somebody.
00:35:54
Speaker
And so it was very nice to kind of feel a little bit centered. And so what he did next was really interesting because he had us all come to the stage and he had 150 little brown boxes on the stage. And he said, just pick one and go back to your table.
00:36:07
Speaker
And when... We opened it. There was a little punk rock looking figure with a mohawk and like a spiked jacket. And he was sitting with his legs crossed and like a little kind of um meditative pose with his hands up against his chest.
00:36:21
Speaker
Well, one hand was on his lap. One hand was feeling his chest. And. They were all very, they were all 3d printed and they all had these different color coordinations and designs and patterns.
00:36:32
Speaker
And I got a pretty rad one myself, I think. And, um a lot of people complimented the one that I got. And, um, then he said, what I want you to do is I want you to find other people in the room who have this one.
00:36:44
Speaker
And I happened to find a table, a couple people who had, there were two people, everybody else kind of had a pair. But I had two people I could talk to. We all got lucky and got the same one. So we had us all change tables and just leave our stuff behind because people were like picking up their bags.
00:36:59
Speaker
He's like, no, just leave your shit where it is. Like, just go sit. Like, it's not about what your stuff is. It's about what you're about to do. He's like, just go find these people and sit where they are and talk to them. And so we just kind of found each other, found a new table, left our stuff behind.
00:37:12
Speaker
And we had conversations based on, um what we were observing about our little, he called them totems. He's like, what do what do you observe about your totem? What do you want to name it? Like, where would you put it?
00:37:24
Speaker
What does it mean to look at it? um What do you think about other, what do you think others might be thinking about your totem and theirs or having the same one? And it was always very, just like trying to find a place to focus your attention, to be present on this little, like three inch figure that he printed out.
00:37:41
Speaker
And it was a very interesting exercise because i ended up having some really deep conversations with this older guy, probably like late 50s and a gal probably in her 40s. She has kids. He has kids.
00:37:52
Speaker
And one of the stories that came out from us observing these things when he was talking, the one guy, i can't remember what he called it, but we were talking about, well what do you want to name it? And he says, but don't know, because I recently started going, at funny enough, I started going to rock shows with my son because I've been feeling really disconnected from him.
00:38:09
Speaker
He's 14 years old or 15, I can't recall. He says, we just don't talk anymore. we you know and we We haven't been talking. So I just I know he really likes his music. He's always cranking it in the house.
00:38:20
Speaker
So I asked him to take me to one of his little garage band concerts or his basement concerts just to see what they do. And which was really cool for him as an older dad to be like, I want to go see what you like. What is it? That's awesome.
00:38:33
Speaker
And he he took away from me. He's like, I still don't like rock music or the hard rock or punk rock music. He's like, but I still go because my son feels like he belongs there. Like they are excited to see him. They know his name. I always wanted where his friends were, but that's where they congregate. That's where he feels safe.
00:38:51
Speaker
And what's been happening to him was he said, Being more mindful. He didn't realize this was what he was doing, but he's being more mindful not just of himself, but of his son and and how he interacts with the world that his friends have started to come to his house because now they see his dad as a safe person.
00:39:10
Speaker
And he found his son eventually came out to him. And like said, like a lot of the people here are trans or they're queer or they're allies. And it's a small group and we just rock out and we have fun and we don't think.
00:39:20
Speaker
And he was like, I've never felt closer to my kid. So when I'm alone, I don't listen to that music because it hurts my ears. He's like, but when my son's in the car or when we're going somewhere, or when he's in the house, I learn the words to the songs he likes.
00:39:34
Speaker
He's like, I sing them with him. I listen to them with him because that's what he likes. And I want him to know that even if it's not for me, he's for me. And I, I'm going to do what he wants to do. i yeah love that dude. It fucking like, that is the number one dad material right there. Absolutely beautiful to hear.
00:39:54
Speaker
And, uh, you know, and we were, we were all sharing and like, as he was talking, What really? Because again, I love hearing like that's as an extrovert based on our subject earlier, like that was like, fuck it. do my I could feel my heart about the c climb out of my fucking chest and kick my brain out so it could take over because it needed more space.
00:40:14
Speaker
It was like, listen, I'm in control now, dude. Like I was just like leaning so far forward into this dude's space to hear what he was saying. And and it all started from just being mindful of like, what does this little figure make you think of?
00:40:28
Speaker
What does this little totem? What do you observe about it? And the one gal, I won't go into her story too, but she talked about where she would put it and why it was important that she put it where she was going to put it. Cause it helps remind her of peace.
00:40:40
Speaker
The guy's like physician that she was looking at. She's like, I don't take time to just, she said she has a lot of back issues and she's like, this guy is sitting so perfectly straight. I want to put him somewhere where I see him every day to reckon, remember to,
00:40:53
Speaker
stand up straighter and to be taller than I usually am. Cause I slouch all the time and it wasn't as big of a story, but that was still something else to take from being mindful. Like, how do I walk? How do I sit? How do I stand? What's my back doing?
00:41:05
Speaker
Like you ever go down the street and see like an old person or somebody like crunched over and you immediately straighten your back. You're like, Oh fuck. I have to, you like I gotta be careful how I'm doing that. I don't want that to happen to me. And so I just thought that was really cool that like we got these two different, um,
00:41:21
Speaker
ah interpretations in these stories based on this little figure. And I was just thinking like,
Mindfulness Exercises and Benefits
00:41:27
Speaker
this would have been fun for me no matter what. But I was feeling really emotional by the end of it. And I think it was because I was already kind of feeling a high of like,
00:41:35
Speaker
doing that observation exercise with the five senses and like focusing on my breathing, which is something i don't do. I just don't pay attention to it ever. Like I've never thought to do that outside of like a few exercises at the neurodivergent group i'm a part of at work.
00:41:51
Speaker
And it's still great, but I don't know why, but in this very moment, this thing was packed. There were tons of people in here who wanted to know what this was. And it was really nice for a moment to be in a room filled with 80 to 100 other people who were talking to people they'd never met before about shit they never thought that they would share.
00:42:08
Speaker
And we all left like excited and teary eyed and just just just we talked on Thursday before we all left and like, hey, where's your totem? Where are you going to put it? What color did you get?
00:42:20
Speaker
And I guess what I'm trying to get at is like, what really helped me was to recognize that we all have patterns. We all have ah habits that we do that we're not very mindful of.
00:42:32
Speaker
and and ah And we should be more cognizant of, whoops, I just tapped my microphone. do you hear that? Yes. Sorry. Sorry about that. um ah Mindful of how we're sitting, how we're breathing, who how we're, ah you said earlier, body language. Like what what am I putting off when,
00:42:50
Speaker
you know I found myself recently, every time I cross my arms, just because I don't know what to do with them, I realized what that looks like. And I uncrossed them and put them in my pockets. like Just what am I doing as I'm listening? What am I doing as I'm talking? And as I'm talking, do I see the body language of other people?
00:43:05
Speaker
Does it look like someone wants to talk? Are they looking at their phone? um And why might that be? And he touched briefly on like, Being mindful of what you have control over because he told us a story about how like a car cut him off and he once swore really deeply at them and angrily until he forgot his son was in the backseat and was like, hey, dad, maybe they were just going to the hospital. That's why they're going so fast.
00:43:26
Speaker
And he was like, whether that's true or not, I don't know. But I just wasted all this mean energy on somebody who very well could have been in a hurry for an important reason. He's like, I need to be more mindful of what I'm doing and how I interact and how I power down and who I'm around because I forgot in my rage that my kid was in the backseat.
00:43:44
Speaker
So I don't know. i i think what I'm trying to get at with all of this is that I think it's a good practice just to check yourself more or check others in a way that like allows you to say, like I see you.
00:43:56
Speaker
I'm being mindful of what you're doing. You're present. There's things that I might say that you might not want to hear, um or there's things that you're doing that I don't understand, and why should I let myself get bothered by that? Like putting a period at the end of a sentence in a text message.
00:44:10
Speaker
No, that's a real one. and I'm not saying it's not real, but I'm saying you can choose whether that makes you upset or not. Very. Right? So I don't know. It was just a really enlightening and very gentle experience that made me feel really full and very excited.
00:44:25
Speaker
And despite all the other exhaustion I've been feeling from the conference and the plane travel and getting in late, that's been something that's been just like stuck in my brain all week or since Wednesday, Thursday, friday today's Friday night.
00:44:37
Speaker
So just... just practicing being more mindful and more present. And like, I hope that if you're listening to this and you're considering doing any of that, even if you don't know how to do it in any other way, I would highly recommend the breathing exercises. There's tons of them on the internet. If you want to just look up diaphragmatic breathing, some of them are just as simple as hold onto your belly and then just breathe for five minutes and be cognizant of if your belly is getting full when you breathe.
00:45:01
Speaker
Sometimes it's just as simple as that. No numbers, no counts involved, but it really does help to, there are like, um like vagal effects to like, you know, ah subconscious effects in your brain that also release to help you relax or to let go of emotion or tension.
00:45:17
Speaker
So there's health benefits of doing it too. It's not just a ah mental. um So I'd highly recommend. And if you don't want to do that um again, the exercise I did was breathe in for a count of three and then leave a little room to pack some more air and then suck like just a little bit more in.
00:45:32
Speaker
You can hold it longer if you like, or just blow it out for six seconds really slowly do that for a few minutes or Five things you can see, four things you can hear, three things you can ah feel, two things you can smell, one thing you can taste.
00:45:45
Speaker
And I'm telling you, it is just a different way to engage your brain to be mindful of where you are and what you're doing. um And it kind of helped me focus, which is hard for me to do as a man with very bad ADHD.
00:45:56
Speaker
So anyway, I just wanted to share that experience because it it really left an impact on me. So instead of doing like words of the day or fun slang or anything, I just want to share a very enlightening and very wholesome experience that I had. So hopefully you all take something away from that.
00:46:11
Speaker
You know i know, I've been talking a long time, but. That's fine. It's fine. ah I'll even return the favor. I got a little one, little short one. So I don't know if you actually even know this about me, but I do meditate almost every night.
00:46:24
Speaker
and I originally learned to help me sleep at night. And ah the breathing exercise that I learned and that I do is breathe in as much as you can comfortably.
00:46:36
Speaker
Hold it for half the time it took you to breathe in and then breathe out. Breathe in, hold it half, breathe out. um And just like what you were saying, I just sit there, i focus on the breathing and I become mindful of everything around me. How do I feel?
00:46:50
Speaker
What am I hearing? What am I seeing? Like I do it at night when I'm going to sleep. Right. So what I'll do is I'll actually as I'm falling asleep, you know, you start getting those swirls and stuff in your eyes.
00:47:02
Speaker
I'll focus on them and what I'm seeing or all that one looks like a swirl. This one looks like this. Um, but, and Mbeluga knows this.
00:47:13
Speaker
She knows that I meditate at night and she was having a problem with a pinched nerve. I think it was. And she asked me like, Hey, with your meditation, do you think you could help me with this? I said, yeah, let's lay down and before we go to bed and we'll do it.
00:47:32
Speaker
So I told her how to breathe. And I said, um, I want you to, start at your feet, move your toes just enough that you can kind of feel where they are in relation to your, to you and kind of feel the muscle and then just let them relax and work your way up your body.
00:47:52
Speaker
And, um, when she got to like her, her chest stomach area, I think she just started crying because she was releasing tension that she didn't even know she had been keeping.
00:48:06
Speaker
Oh, yeah. In muscles that she didn't even realize were like there. and it just flooded out of her. And she was like, I feel so much better now. Yeah, dude.
00:48:17
Speaker
It makes a huge difference. And there's another one you can try if you want. Just take small muscle groups, your fingers, your toes, your your feet, ankles, calves, legs, up to the stomach, chest, neck, head.
00:48:30
Speaker
Just kind of move the muscles a little bit just so you can feel where they are and then focus on them and let them relax. And you you'll read you be surprised how much tension you don't realize you have.
00:48:46
Speaker
Oh, yeah, absolutely. Like there's very real science behind ah like um pent up emotion and pent up so physical stress. Like it it all goes somewhere.
00:48:57
Speaker
Yep. um As they say, your body keeps the score and it's so true. um So, yeah. Yeah. Thanks for sharing that because I didn't know that about you, actually. So ah that's pretty cool.
00:49:09
Speaker
So, ah yeah, maybe what we can do this time, Danny, as we round out this episode, why don't we challenge people to maybe try one of those breathing exercises or to maybe do the observation exercises? And i think you can look them up online.
00:49:24
Speaker
I think that's a wonderful idea. I think everybody like should help a little self-care. Absolutely. Take five minutes. you Honestly, it doesn't even need to be long or do it when you're going to sleep.
00:49:35
Speaker
I go to sleep meditating like it's so easy to just drift off to sleep mom when you're doing make sure that your phone isn't there to like distract you like you really should give yourself a few minutes where you're just not able to.
00:49:49
Speaker
reach the thing that will pull you out of the moment. You really want, and a lot of these meditations you you should do or can do either lying down or with your, with your knees pressed close to your chest, either while you're on your back or sitting up. Like you want to have something that just lets you feel like you're with yourself, that you're
Conclusion: Mindfulness and Engagement
00:50:05
Speaker
relaxed when you do these.
00:50:06
Speaker
You don't have to sit crisscross applesauce and do any of that meditative stuff you see on TV. You certainly can, but you don't just have to. You just have to be comfortable because if you're not comfortable, you're going to focus on that and it's going to throw you off.
00:50:19
Speaker
So just be comfortable. Just lay down. That's probably the easiest thing. Just lay down on your bed. Like I said, I do it when I go to bed. So I'm just lying on my side or on my back.
00:50:29
Speaker
Yeah. um So yeah, i we challenge you to either practice something that allows you to do, to focus on your breath, to focus on being present, to focus on the things around you that are just objective. What do I see? What do I feel? What am I taste?
00:50:45
Speaker
Even if you don't want to do five, four, three, two, one, just one of each is fine. There's something that lets you just bring yourself down and you will feel if you do this with enough time. um yeah i mean, I mean, just like undistracted time, not like years or months.
00:51:00
Speaker
You'll feel tension release from your body. You'll feel your shoulders start to drop because you probably carry a lot of tension in them and they're probably higher than they're supposed to be. So we we challenge thee to practice breathing and being mindful and meditate for
00:51:19
Speaker
Minutes of 10 times three. Yeah, something like that. Whatever works for you. um So, yeah, I think that's pretty much it, huh? I think so.
00:51:31
Speaker
Yeah. And of course, we hit our 20 minute mark as always. were Yeah, we didn't even go over this time. No, this good. And hey, before we go, ah if you want to have your questions answered like our friend Anthony, please go to Fundance Dollars Network dot biz. You can leave us a message right on the front page. There's a little ah email box that you can send out and then we will get it as an email and and we will use your question on the show if you so choose. um And of course, if you wouldn't mind, something that I keep forgetting to ask is please rate the show wherever it is that you watch the show or listen to the show.
00:52:05
Speaker
You can go on a pod chaser and do it. If you don't have a certain, if you want to write something out, Spotify lets you write out reviews now and review the show with stars. So please do that. Or on Apple, please leave us a star rating because really like to see this, get more traction. And Spotify is a real bitch that way and won't do it unless it sees more stars in reviews. So if you wouldn't mind, please go do that. If you're already haven't.
00:52:29
Speaker
And, we would sincerely appreciate it as we love, we just got our first, um, non-friend listener question and that's really exciting and we're going to print and hang on the wall yeah so uh be mindful be present be cool um and also yeah uh there's a dream come true and i love you all okay okay practice your breathing