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CTRL-Z Is Your Best Friend
10 Plays13 days ago
How do you discuss with your partner if they feel you didn't do enough? Also, don't you wish you could just delete and re-do what you said or did?
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Transcript
Introduction and Greetings
00:00:00
Speaker
Okay, we're in there. That's our quickie. Go. All right, that's our quickie. Hey, good morning, good afternoon, and good evening, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, everybody up, down, all around, inside and outside the gender binary. My name is Danny Guaranty. With me, like always, is my co-host with the most, most, Adam. Say hi, Adam.
00:00:19
Speaker
Hi, bitches. All right, cool. We're actually shooting for 20 minutes today because we are tight time.
00:00:26
Speaker
All right, anyway, shut up. Let's do this. Let's go.
Are My Feelings Valid or an Overreaction?
00:00:30
Speaker
What's the question? You asked by whom? This is ParticularBus4640 on the NoStupidQuestion subreddit.
00:00:38
Speaker
Oh. I know. How do I know when my feelings are actually valid or I'm overreacting to a minor thing? Oh, fuck. yeah twenty minutes Yeah. Nice 20-minute one, right?
00:00:51
Speaker
And then they go on to say things like, You know, sometimes I'm laying in bed thinking of the day, whether my ah they specifically call out whether or not their husband helped that much with the kid that day and they'll get upset about it. But then when they wake up in the morning, they feel better.
00:01:08
Speaker
So which them should they trust? The one that's upset going to sleep or the one that's cooled down and happier in the morning?
Trusting Your Instincts After Rest
00:01:18
Speaker
yeah twenty minutes go Definitely the latter, the second one. And here's why.
00:01:23
Speaker
Because while it's, well, first of all, the feelings are valid regardless. However, when, when you should act upon them or understood or, or when you decide to make a decision to act upon them should be after you've come down from it. Not while you're in it, unless you're in fight or flight and you're about to die. And you're like, is it valid for me to be scared of this person with a chainsaw swinging at me?
00:01:47
Speaker
Yes. validate those feelings, act upon them right now, run away or fight. right But if it's like, oh, the husband didn't do this or the wife didn't do that or my partner did this or is guy at work did that, Sleep on it, because typically if you're if you wake up the next morning and you're still like, man, something about that just doesn't sit right with me, then you can explore those feelings further and you'll come at it with a much more calmer sense of decorum versus just like and potentially making the situation worse by react being reactive versus proactive, right? Mm-hmm.
00:02:20
Speaker
So you should be more proactive, not reactive. Go in with a plan.
Communicating Feelings Effectively
00:02:25
Speaker
That's what I say. Because then if something bad did happen and you feel like those things are still bothering you, then you can approach them in a much better way.
00:02:31
Speaker
And if you're reactive, then I just say go full in. If you're like, motherfucker, why'd you help with the kids, you dickhole? Yeah, divorce. Right. You just go straight to 100. You go, I fucking, you know what? I'm going to put the kids, I'm going to send them off to space camp for Putting the kids down.
00:02:49
Speaker
Wait, what? Yeah, I'm taking the kids and I'm putting them down. or They're going to the farm. To bed. While we talk about this. ah But yes, the long the short answer is sleep on it. If you still feel that way, explore those feelings after.
00:03:04
Speaker
Yeah, I agree for the most part. Again, like Adam said, 100%. ah Both feelings are absolutely valid. ah The one thing i'd want to add is that it does not need to be a completely black or white, you know, zero to 100 thing.
00:03:20
Speaker
If you are upset about this when you go to bed and you wake up in the morning and feel fine about it, fine. You don't have to do anything. It might not have been that big a deal. If this is happening multiple times, because in the post it kind of sounds like it does, then just bring it up to the husband. Be like, hey,
00:03:39
Speaker
Yesterday, I kind of felt like you didn't, you know, pull your weight as much as I would have liked you to. You know, that's fine. You don't have to come in swinging. You don't have to come in heated. Just this is how I feel.
00:03:52
Speaker
And it actually helps a lot. This is how I feel. Exactly. It helps a lot to say that. um For people that don't know, when you're trying to explain how you feel to somebody else, say, this is how I feel about X, Y, and Z.
00:04:08
Speaker
Don't just say, you didn't help out enough. Say, I feel like you didn't help out enough. It keeps it from being an attack on the other person, and it helps keep them from seeing it as like an insult or an attack on them, um which will genuinely or generally give you a better ah outcome, a better conversation.
00:04:32
Speaker
Yeah. all right. Look at that. We did in four and a half minutes and you were worried. It's been wonderful. Thank you all. much all us for listening If you could all just like, yeah, send us all your money. That'd be great.
Gaining Perspective on Conflicts
00:04:43
Speaker
Uh, what I would like to add to that though is, um, if you, you, if this is a chronic thing, log it, write things down because like one thing I find that gets frustrating is,
00:04:58
Speaker
I recall a very long, literal, like six to seven hour dispute I had with a woman because she, we kept getting back on like a stuck piece of information that she couldn't find where she was mad about something. And I kept wanting to change the subject or come back to it later when we were calmer.
00:05:18
Speaker
But she was like, no, this thing really upset me. And I was like, can you tell me what it was? And she couldn't name what had happened, what she was mad about. The thought wasn't there, but she kept wanting to come back to it, hoping that it would be there.
00:05:30
Speaker
So like another reason just to take a minute is like that way you can be like, okay, what was it? Write it down, come equip. That way you can say, Hey, here's kind of what I recall happening. Here's how I felt happened.
00:05:41
Speaker
Because sometimes you don't know what the other person that you're in a potential conflict is experiencing from their point of view. They may think, Oh, um all the things you don't see. Like I've been picking up the slack, taking out all the garbage every week. And I've been the one that's doing the dishes at night and I'm usually cooking.
00:05:56
Speaker
And you might not think anything of it because maybe they cook and into all the dishes before you see anything. And so you're like, oh, you didn't really help out with the kids. But from their perspective, they might be like, I'm doing literally everything else. Right. So like, it's good to kind of come equipped with like, here's what I perceive. What do you think is happening?
00:06:12
Speaker
And like, have it written down that way you don't come into it just like, blabbering on trying to figure it out like because you know your feelings are there but the words and the facts might not be and it makes the situation way fucking worse yeah if you just want to complain or advance an argument without having anything to back it up aside from well i'm mad because i feel like you haven't been helping but i can't point out exactly what that is i agree ah that you should absolutely you know kind of wait feel your feelings let it out and and reflect a little bit come up with what you want to say
00:06:45
Speaker
ah So like Adam said, you're not just like, well, I'm mad and I can't figure out why right now. So i hate you. Yeah. yeah And this is coming from somebody who's really bad at that. It's actually like the one of the few sticking points me and Mbeluga have is when something does happen, I'm very quick to cool off. I'm very quick to want to talk about something, you know, or to ah check on her, make sure she's OK.
Letting Go of Past Grievances
00:07:15
Speaker
And even if it's not about me, like even if she's just upset about anything else, she needs time to feel her feelings, kind of sort things through in her head. And it sucks, man, because she's in there feeling miserable.
00:07:30
Speaker
I'm out in the living room or something and I'm like worried about her, but I can't go and talk to her. And I hate it. I hate it, but I get it. I totally understand just needing that time.
00:07:42
Speaker
And this is from somebody who you does not do that well. Yeah. Yeah. i I like there are situations in which if. There is a direct path to solve something, you should do it right.
00:07:58
Speaker
So like if it's like. oh I don't know, let's say it's a household chore, like, oh, dishes. Well, just go do them real fucking quick and then be done with it. Like, don't sit in it and just stew in it. Just go do the fucking dishes real fast. Like, it it's like becoming more aversive because you're just letting it pile up and it's becoming more annoying.
00:08:17
Speaker
Just do it and then get it over with. There's some things where it's like, oh, I have an issue with this person. It's been weeks and not a blah, blah, blah, blah. I'm like, At this point, it's been too long. Just go do something about it or shut the fuck up about it.
00:08:30
Speaker
right At some point, have your feelings and keep them or have your feelings and express them. But if you come at me, you know... Six months after something I didn't even know you perceived was a bad thing.
00:08:43
Speaker
And you say, hey, do you remember when you said goodbye, but it sounded like you were kind of mad when you said it? I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? What? At that point, you're just like dwelling on it and and making it a such a big thing in your own head.
00:08:57
Speaker
Yeah, like you're making a mountain out of a molehill at that point. God, that like that's one of the biggest peeves I have is when somebody wants to bring up shit that happened like a fucking year ago. And it was just a fight they've been having with me that I didn't know I was in.
00:09:11
Speaker
and like all of a sudden, they're like, you haven't noticed I haven't talked to you I've been short with you. um i get it, though. Like sometimes it really is like, for instance, the bacon thing.
00:09:22
Speaker
I'm never going to drop that. you're objectively wrong. And I'm sorry to have to say about it. Then though, like, it's not like I've been secretly fighting with you about this in my own head since day one of knowing this.
00:09:36
Speaker
See, but at least I know about it. It's different if we didn't have that discussion and we had that talk and you said, I just said sausage is better. And you just sat there in silence stewing for the past couple of months. And then now you're like, you remember that fucking bacon thing? I'm like, huh?
00:09:52
Speaker
What are you talking about? You know, man, the bacon thing. God, that annoys me so much when people do that shit. They're just like, yeah, well, you know, about six and a half years ago, you looked at me funny and I've been pissed about it ever since. I'm like, huh?
00:10:06
Speaker
I looked past you. I was probably looking at someone else. I don't even remember it. Like, what are you talking about? Get over your fucking self. Grow up. We actually had, I'm going to, I don't even want to say a fight.
Importance of Clear Communication
00:10:18
Speaker
We had the most minor disagreement, me and Mbeluga yesterday. Sorry, Mbeluga. I'm airing dirty laundry, but it's pretty clean. Was it about books?
00:10:29
Speaker
It's like somebody just farted a little bit in it and that's it. Um, Somebody farted in laundry. It's still pretty clean, right? But there's a little dirt in there. um Yesterday, Mbeluga was out.
00:10:44
Speaker
And she we had already discussed what we were making for dinner. And she messaged me and she said, I'm going to be home in about 20 minutes. Okay, cool, whatever.
00:10:55
Speaker
So she gets home and she's like, why didn't you start dinner yet? like what are you talking about? You'd never told me to start dinner. Well, texted you and told you I was going to be home in 20 minutes. I immediately was like, na no, no, no, no. no no I don't do that.
00:11:08
Speaker
I don't read minds. If you want me to start dinner, I do not mind doing it, but you have to tell me. And she's just like, well, when, whenever do I tell you I'm going to be home in a certain amount of time? I'm like, you don't.
00:11:20
Speaker
And I was confused when you sent that, but that doesn't mean i picked, I put together that you wanted me to start dinner either. Right. It's just like, oh, that's one of my big pet peeves. And luckily, Mbeluga does not do that. This was a one time weird thing that just for whatever reason she assumed I would know.
00:11:40
Speaker
ah But that is my thing. I'm like, I cannot read your mind. Just tell me. I don't even mind doing it. Just tell me. Right. And if you have to make it funny, make it funny.
00:11:51
Speaker
You can just say, a.k.a. start dinner, bitch. I'm on my way home, you know. Like, I don't care if she were to message me and be like, I'll be home in 20 minutes. I expect dinner on the table. I'll laugh at her, but I'll start it.
00:12:03
Speaker
Right. At least like you got the message like, oh, she probably wants to eat when she gets here. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's something that. um I think gets us all is like we think that we think we're being clear, of but somehow the other person didn't get it. And then when you play like a match game with someone, you realize like, oh, we have different interpretations of what the world is. Oh, shit.
00:12:25
Speaker
um Yeah. Like I never assume and another person knows what you're thinking. Just just don't just. Yeah, like I'll be home in 20 minutes. Like, right, cool, dog. All right. What was supposed to clue me in that you wanted dinner?
00:12:40
Speaker
Right. And like, I get that. Yeah, I get that. Absolutely. Where, um man, my family, I used to hear this a lot growing up where it was just, like well, you should know. Oh, I hate that. That's my pet peeve. No matter what size. My big pet peeve.
00:12:55
Speaker
No, I shouldn't. Should I? shouldn't. Because that's a you thing. That is not a me thing. Right. like I hate that. It's like, oh, you should know because I was feeling things. I'm like, that's not.
00:13:08
Speaker
And this is, it I know this sounds like I'm saying it from a female's perspective, but like, I just heard this everywhere. This isn't just a female thing. It's just people just assume like, no, we guys absolutely do this too. Oh yeah, for sure. 100%.
00:13:20
Speaker
But just like, yeah, I've heard so much as a kid. Well, you should know. i should. it's it's To me, it strikes as like an inconsiderate kind of thing. Like, even if you're not doing it to be an asshole, you're just not taking other people into account. You're just assuming everybody's on the same page as you, which is not the case.
00:13:42
Speaker
For better or for worse, I guarantee you, ah Danny guarantee you that is not the case. Yep. And that's a Danny guarantee. You can take that to the bank and and they won't know what you're talking about.
00:13:55
Speaker
Yeah. ah I think just to put a bow on it, I think it's better, especially if you're on the receiving end of that as well. Like, you know, if you can't have someone else change or if they're not listening to your request for change, you can always clarify.
00:14:13
Speaker
like Like, that's something I'm trying to be better about myself is, I often start the sentence with, just to be clear, you're saying this, right? And if they're like, no, I'm like, okay, cool. Glad I fucking asked. It's like, I, we were not on the same page, whether it's you communicated poorly or I understood it poorly. We were not on the same page. Whenever I get instructions, whether it be at work or like, you know, Mbeluga is telling me something at home, whatever.
00:14:39
Speaker
i always repeat the instructions at like a fifth grade level. You know, you could explain to me for 20 minutes how to do this process and I'll be like, okay, so you want me to just do this, this, this, and this.
00:14:51
Speaker
And people will sometimes look at me like, yeah, but I want you to like... be like they They're expecting a more complex and I'm like, I... I get that it's more complex, but I want to make sure we're on the same page at the very basic level first.
00:15:07
Speaker
Oh yeah, for sure. It helps me significantly to do what I call chunking it where I'm just like, all right, chunk by chunk. Let's just kind of make sure that I'm repeating back to you the things you said, because a lot of people are guilty of just knowing they're having like, uh-huh.
00:15:21
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. pretty sure I got it. Yeah. And then they start it and they're like, um, what am I doing? And I just, I don't want to be, they'll say, do you understand? And I'll go, Uh, potentially.
00:15:32
Speaker
Maybe. I don't, let me repeat it back to you. Yeah, that's when I'll be like, yeah, you want me to do A, B, and then C. Or I'll say, can let me do A, and then let me show you A, and if it's wrong, then I definitely shouldn't be doing B. Okay, cool. Or you just say, yeah, don't worry, I got it, and you just wing it. That's fine.
00:15:50
Speaker
and Sometimes that is just how it Look, I've had jobs. I understand they can undo anything. It's fine. Just hit delete. Control Z. Control Z is ah your best friend. Control Z is your best friend. We got a title of our episode. There you go.
00:16:06
Speaker
and God, I wish i could Control Z things in real life. There's actually, I saw... It was probably like from like the early aughts or maybe mid aughts. There was this a web series called Control Z and it was about this guy who worked in an office and had ah like a broken keyboard he was trying to replace and he just happened to Control Z shit and it was just like changing everybody around him or making them repeat things and they're unaware he was doing It it was very clever.
00:16:31
Speaker
That's pretty cool. Yeah, try look it up. See see if i see if you like it. I don't remember. i remember it being interesting when I watched it. I don't remember if it was funny, but i remember it being interesting. Because like that would be like, fuck you, boss. And he'd like, oh yeah?
00:16:42
Speaker
You're fired, Control-Z. You wanted to see me, boss? And then talk about something else. And he would just explore different ways to talk to his boss. Kind of reminds me of ah Click. Kind of like Click, yeah. Adam Sandler movie.
00:16:54
Speaker
yeah one of I'm not a huge Adam Sandler fan. I like that movie. I genuinely liked that movie. Yeah, that one's good word. That one's like he pauses it and then kicks that guy in the nuts like a bunch of times. Oh my god, it's so funny.
00:17:08
Speaker
Yeah, that was ah that was ah that was probably the last good Adam Sandler movie before they really started going downhill. um Yeah. Then we get Jack and Jill and shit, and it's like, yeah. dude, the second I saw jack and like anything for Jack and Jill, I was like, what are we doing?
00:17:24
Speaker
Yeah. Somebody's bored and just wants to give Rob Schneider another job or something. i don't know if he was in it. Well, I'm pretty sure at this point that's literally all any Adam Sandler movie is, is like, ah you know what? Let's me and my friends just hang out and do whatever and get paid. Yeah. Rob Schneider's like, hey, I need work because one will hire me because I'm a fucking far right wing lunatic. Can you give me a job, Adam? Yeah, I guess. Let's make another movie. um You know, so he just calls him up when he needs a paycheck. Yeah.
00:17:52
Speaker
But all right, we are running out of time. We're at our 18 minute marker. You need to leave in a few minutes. So let's wrap it up right there. Look at us. We did the thing. Yeah. So just one like quick little thing, because it might be a hot minute before the next TOQ comes out because a scheduling
Supporting Food Banks Effectively
00:18:07
Speaker
conflicts.
00:18:07
Speaker
So, hey, we are in a time of crisis. Support your food banks. If you can't donate, volunteer. if you can't volunteer, donate some food. If you can't donate money or if nothing else, go to your local food bank's website Copy whatever help page that they have on how to get involved. Every page has one and send it to your friends and family, whether they need the help or if they can give the help.
00:18:27
Speaker
Make sure that we spread the love because something I noticed in these times of crisis is just as many calls as I've fielded of people looking for help, I've gotten just as many of people looking to help.
00:18:37
Speaker
And you can be either one of those. Reach out to your local food banks if you can help or if you need help. That's what they're there for. But spread the word, spread the love. That's what we're here for. No one should be hungry right now.
00:18:48
Speaker
That's it. I'm done. Danny, close us up. Very nice. Actually, I have a quick question for you. ah Yes. A food bank rumor I heard. Yeah. Apparently it's better to give money than food to a food bank because food banks can get food like at discounted rates.
00:19:02
Speaker
Yes. So $20 worth of food. me Me giving you $20 worth of food is less food than if I handed you $20 and you bought it yourself. it's it's It depends. So yes, the the short answer is yes. If you donate your money, a lot of the things that we buy, we get at cost. And then the grant money that food pantries get can buy it off of our inventory for cheaper as well, um as opposed to going and buying it themselves like for more expensive prices.
00:19:30
Speaker
um so but the But the turnaround for that is is that um to buy that food, we still have to get it shipped in. So it takes a little bit longer, but yes, more food can be taken or produced because of that money so yes financial donations are absolutely the best thing if you can do it uh and and don't and don't get it twisted we just got 10 000 brand new first time donors which is a record at our food bank for people donating five tens twenties one hundreds whatever they have first time and that shit adds up trust me um and then um
00:20:06
Speaker
Even if you just pledge like five bucks a month, that all adds up. So yes. But the other thing is, if you can donate food, take it direct don't take it to the food bank because every place has a food bank, right?
00:20:19
Speaker
At least there's a food bank for a major area somewhere. Food banks are the big things. Food pantries are the little things and or the smaller things. And if you donate directly to the pantries, they can turn it around much quicker. But ask them when they will distribute it.
00:20:36
Speaker
Right. Because if you give it like them, like a bunch of bags of apples on Monday, but they don't do have like a food distribution until next Friday, that food's just sitting there. Right. So ask him when it, when do you distribute? And I'll get you that like a couple of days before so you can repack it and turn it around and get it back.
00:20:52
Speaker
So support your local food pantries if you can. If you can't donate money, donate your money to the food banks because they can get the money to the the stuff of the food pantries more efficiently. But if you can donate food, get it directly to your food pantries. I know there's some in your area.
00:21:06
Speaker
Just hit on Google or go to your food bank's website. They probably have a map you can look at. um All right. Well, but yes, if you're going to support the food bank, financial donations really do go a long way. um Money to food banks, food to food pantries, and also volunteer.
00:21:22
Speaker
If you can't do any one of those things, if you have time, every pantry, every food bank needs volunteers all the time. So just reach out to them and say, hey, can I give you a hand? They're going to say yes.
00:21:34
Speaker
right. And there you have it. ah Straight from the food pantry horse's mouth. ah If you enjoy the show and you want to support us, tell people about the show. You know, go out, tell your friends to check it out. Maybe not your parents, maybe not your bosses.
00:21:48
Speaker
ah If you were thinking about helping financially, but money is kind of tight and you're sitting on the fence about it, donate that money to the food bank instead. I'd rather see it go there.
00:21:59
Speaker
um Yeah, we love you all. We greatly appreciate you listening to us. And there's a dream come true. And yada, yada, yada, you know the spiel. We are over the 20 minute mark now. but Hey, we're rule breakers. We like to push the envelope.
00:22:15
Speaker
We're under 25 minutes. So we'll yeah we'll we'll make it. We'll definitely make it under 25. Don't worry. I definitely will not just sit here and ramble for the entire time. That would be crazy. I can't do that. Anyway, you I can. i know. i I know you but has a time. No, I'm cutting you off.
00:22:30
Speaker
um Have a good night, everybody. ah Thank you again for listening. We greatly appreciate you. That's right. Oh, my God. This is going to be like an actual nice end.
00:22:42
Speaker
no I was going to say, ah I'm sorry. to Sorry, Terry, for saying that thing I said in the last episode. I was just trying to make Danny upset. I'm sorry about that. i love you. Bye.