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116. I've Had Tragedies; Yet My Life is Not Tragic-with Christina Flach
93 Plays3 years ago
Christina Flach is a single mother with four kids, along with the creator and CEO of Pretty Girl Makeup. Christina and her company have worked with some of the most recognizable faces, brands, and publications, and her company continues to grow. Additionally,
Christina is a fashion commentator for the publication Soap Opera Digest. In her free time,Christina enjoys spending time with her two sons and two daughters, whose ages range from 15
to 28.
As a kid, Christina was with her mother until the very end as she battled Christina was married to professional tennis player Ken Flach up to his death after a brief bout of sepsis in 2018. Since then, Christina has been dedicated to raising public awareness of the danger of sepsis, and has partnered with Sepsis Alliance to produce awareness campaigns highlighting Ken’s story.
Learn more about Sepsis: https://www.sepsis.org/
https://www.christinaflach.com/
https://www.prettygirlmakeup.com/
Use discount code; PRETTYGIRL for 25% off
Get in touch with Kendra Rinaldi for coaching or to be a guest on the podcast: https://www.griefgratitudeandthegrayinbetween.com/
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Transcript
Personal Tragedies and Gratitude
00:00:01
Speaker
I think also because I've had this, you know, the loss of my mother and my son and my husband, it's made me, I'm definitely very grateful for everything positive in my life. I've had tragedies, but I'm not tragic. As I've been told on, I was on the doctor channel on Sirius Radio once and someone was introducing me and she said, my life was tragic.
00:00:28
Speaker
And I just said, you know, thank you for having me on your show, but I'm going to respectfully disagree with you. My life is not tragic. I've had tragedies, but it's very different.
Introduction to the Podcast and Host
00:00:41
Speaker
Hello and welcome to Grief, Gratitude, and the Gray in Between podcast.
00:00:48
Speaker
This podcast is about exploring the grief that occurs at different times in our lives in which we have had major changes and transitions that literally shake us to the core and make us experience grief.
00:01:04
Speaker
I created this podcast for people to feel a little less hopeless and alone in their own grief process as they hear the stories of others who have had similar journeys. I'm Kendra Rinaldi, your host. Now let's dive right in to today's episode. Welcome to today's episode.
Who is Christina Flack?
00:01:28
Speaker
Today I'm chatting with Christina Flack. She is a founder and CEO of Pretty Girl Makeup.
00:01:34
Speaker
She is a celebrity makeup artist, as well as a sepsis awareness advocate, which is one of the topics we'll be talking about today and many others. So welcome, Christina. Hi, how are you? Thanks so much for having me today. How are you? I'm so happy to have you here. Oh, thank you. And as I was telling you before we started recording, I usually like sit here. The morning interviews today happens to be evening as I'm interviewing. So I actually have a face on. And I was like, I'm so grateful I actually
00:02:03
Speaker
have something on my face as I'm talking to someone that does this for a living. So thank you so much. Well, I appreciate you. You look beautiful. Thank you. Like filters on Instagram and Facebook. I'm like, man, I just wish I could walk around with one of those. I know. Wouldn't that be nice? And I wouldn't have to hire myself. No, that's a thing. You know, you'd lose your job if we could walk around like that, right?
The Birth of Pretty Girl Makeup
00:02:27
Speaker
So let's talk about you. Tell us how it is you ended up becoming a CEO. And we'll be talking about, you know, a little brief journey as well in this process. But let's talk about your business and your motherhood and so forth first. Okay, great. Well, I became the creator and founder of Pretty Girl Makeup.
00:02:47
Speaker
And I started it in 1999. I was a makeup artist and I was a mom and I was driving around with all these kids. And it was a constant battle with drinking water and putting on lip gloss. And I couldn't find one that lasted. So I thought that wasn't drying my lips out and all Matt. And so I thought, well, how hard can it be? I'll, you know, get a beauty chemist and I will make my own lip gloss. And I'm sure I'll have a billion dollars in the bank and you know, a month.
Passion in Entrepreneurship
00:03:22
Speaker
I have a client, my friend Tyler Florence always makes jokes. If everyone knew how hard it was to be exceptional, everyone would do it. And it's best not to know because
00:03:35
Speaker
Ignorance on fire, right? Ignorance on fire, as they say. Totally. And I think it's important that you love, like I've enjoyed the whole process, like all the years that I've had my company. I loved creating my products. I have loved trying them out on people and I've loved everything about it. And I think it's important when you're starting a business as an entrepreneur that you really enjoy and love what you do because there's so many hours in the day that you're working seven days a week.
00:04:02
Speaker
And you're not making money because you're putting money back into the business. And so you really have to enjoy it. And I think that's what's kept me going is my passion for my company, but also that I'm still able to be a makeup artist and do all kinds of amazing product projects.
Career Highlights and Collaboration
00:04:17
Speaker
I yesterday I was in Denver shooting a show with Fox, which was super fun. And then I worked on a Vionics commercial the week before. And, you know, I, you know, I was with Tyler.
00:04:30
Speaker
for six weeks doing Food Network, a big food truck race that's on Food Network. I love Tyler Florence. I remember the throw down. Something throw down was one of his shows. He's as nice in person as you see him on TV. He's got the best laugh and great energy and he's just a great human. He's been my client for 15 years, actually more, 15 years.
00:04:56
Speaker
I always love when I get to shoot with him and having this time with him shooting the show was a lot of fun. That's so awesome. So you do hair and makeup, male theme, everything. And then you do fashion, fashion as well. I do both. Yes. It's fun having different things. I had a movie director come in from Canada a couple of weeks ago and I did her. I don't know. It's always something different. And then, you know, I still do brides every once in a while.
Turning Personal Needs into Ventures
00:05:24
Speaker
I love what I do. It really is. That is so important. And what you said before about being able to start something because you saw there was a problem. You saw there was a need. You needed something. You created then something because you were looking for a solution. That in itself is something that I feel for myself even creating this podcast was something I
00:05:46
Speaker
felt there was a need to have more of these conversations about grief and gratitude and kind of how do people move through life after experiencing something hard and how do they get through to the other side. So that is something
Identity and the Pandemic's Impact
00:06:02
Speaker
we have in common. Now, tell me then with COVID and all that, with your career, with a lot of things being shut down, what happened there with your career?
00:06:11
Speaker
even there in these last couple of years. Oh, it was really hard for over a year. I mean, I even told my, you know, I worked for Fox and Food Network a lot and I contacted my producers there and I said, I'll work, like send me wherever. And, you know, I had a couple things, but it was, I never thought in a million years, like I thought my job was bulletproof. There's always a wedding, there's always a TV, a movie. There were no events, right? No weddings? There was no wedding, there was no nothing. It was so crazy.
00:06:41
Speaker
I didn't realize how much my job defines who I am as a person. I really didn't know until I couldn't do what I love doing so much and how much I love doing what I do and traveling. I'm on a plane every week, a couple of times a week and I missed it. I miss the human contact and I'm so grateful that things are back to normal and I'm
00:07:10
Speaker
traveling more than ever and I'm working more than ever and you know getting to do these great projects I am really grateful but it was a really hard time and on top of which you know I always figure there's plan A plan B and
00:07:23
Speaker
God forbid, plan C. And so, you know, I have Pretty Girl and then I do all my makeup and both plan A, B, C and D were gone. So it was not, I did some consulting for some other companies. And so you just figure out ways to keep busy. And I got a new business partner.
00:07:42
Speaker
We have put together a business plan, and we're getting investors, so we're going to expand. So I mean, you can always make lemonade out of lemons, I think.
Coping with Grief
00:07:50
Speaker
And I tried my best. I worked out a lot. I read. I spent time with my family. And I just try to be as normal as possible, go outside and hike and ride my horse.
00:08:05
Speaker
COVID didn't exist, actually. I just didn't talk about it all day. It's so boring. It's so out of our control.
00:08:13
Speaker
Yeah, just live. What you just shared right now, you shared exercise, you shared being out in nature, you shared things in which are ways in which a lot of us end up using as tools to even navigate grief. And in some way, like you said, your identity to your job, your job to find you and then all of a sudden it's like swept from under you in the last couple of weeks, weeks, years, weeks, weeks, I wish.
00:08:41
Speaker
years. And you had to find ways to cope with all these feelings. So were some of these tools that you just mentioned, tools you've also used in your grief journey before? And if we want, we can let's. Absolutely. So yeah, like you get the beginning stages of grief, you're in so much shock. And you just, I remember I kept saying to everyone, I just want to feel normal. I just want to feel normal again. And
00:09:05
Speaker
My old normal didn't exist, so I had to create a new normal. It's exactly what I had to do during the pandemic. I had to figure out what my new normal was when I wasn't being a makeup artist and no one was buying lip gloss because everyone was wearing a mask.
00:09:21
Speaker
You know, I think at the beginning stages of grief, it's like, I always felt like everything was worse. If I got too hungry, too tired, I didn't exercise and I didn't think about the things that I'm grateful for and all the great blessings I have in my life. So when I kept all of that kind of in check, everything was softer. If I got too tired, too, if I got any of those things, I got them out of control. Everything just seemed so much worse than it was. So I, I know that those are my triggers.
00:09:50
Speaker
And so I really try to make sure that I get enough sleep and that I exercise and that I eat well and I drink a lot of water. And I think about things I'm grateful for and life just seems to move along forward in a
00:10:02
Speaker
more positive, productive way. To fall into place. Yeah. The, the things you mentioned show you're really intuitive because a lot of times we do not know what we need, right? Sometimes we're like hangry and we don't even know that it's because we're hungry, you know, and we're just angry and not knowing.
Childhood Influences
00:10:20
Speaker
So you're intuitive and, um, we're going to go now into then your past. So let's go all the way back to your childhood because I know you've had three major, uh,
00:10:30
Speaker
grief experiences that have to do with death. So we're gonna go back into your childhood and your journey with your mom. And just tell us more about your age and then what you did then navigating your grief journey at that point. So my mother, when I was about eight, was diagnosed with stage four brain cancer and had a 1% chance to live one year. She thankfully lasted
00:10:58
Speaker
lived 13 years. So we were very blessed to have her but she wasn't, her quality of life wasn't fantastic. My mother was unbelievably beautiful and she lost her hair and her skin got discolored from
00:11:11
Speaker
you know, the amount of radiation and chemo that they gave her. They never even, I think it's illegal now, right? But, um, so I guess when, as growing up, I just, you know, I've seen my mother sick all the time and I just wished that she could be normal. That was always my big thing, being normal. It's funny that I'm noticing that now, but I wanted her to be like all the other moms, right? So that's why I think I've tried so hard to be a normal mom for my kids. I'm sure they have a weirdo. But,
00:11:41
Speaker
I played tennis during my childhood. I played competitively. I played junior tournaments and went through high school and college playing tennis. And so I turned pro for half a second. And that was always a consistent thing in my life. So I think I've become very disciplined because of playing tennis so much and my mom being sick and I had to help cook and clean and take care of my sister.
00:12:08
Speaker
So you were the oldest one. Yes. Yes. And so I think that's me. I'm still to this day, incredibly focused and disciplined. And I, I think that helps me to achieve my goals and to kind of keep things in perspective. I think also because I've had this, you know, the loss of my mother and my son and
00:12:30
Speaker
My husband, it's made me, I'm definitely very grateful for everything positive in my life. I've had tragedies, but I'm not tragic. As I'm told on, I was on the doctor channel on Sirius Radio once and someone was introducing me and she said that my life
Reframing Tragedy
00:12:50
Speaker
was tragic. And I kind of clobbered her and I just said, you know, I thank you for having me on your show, but I'm going to respectfully disagree with you. My life is not tragic.
00:12:58
Speaker
I've had tragedies, but it's very different. Being tragic means I've given up and I'm wallowing and miserable. And I have kids and I can't, I want them to be happy. And if I'm a disaster, it's going to affect them. They've had enough to deal with in their life with their brother passing away on Christmas day and Ken passing away. And now their father has stage four cancer, but he's doing fantastic. Thank God.
00:13:25
Speaker
It would affect them too much if I went off the deep end. So I can't do that. It's not an option.
00:13:33
Speaker
It is not an option for you. And you didn't feel it was an option for you either as a kid being the oldest one also and having to take care of your sister and kind of just, it was 13 years also, knowing your mom had this diagnosis. So you never really knew what tomorrow was going to bring. No, no. And then it's funny, like now, my mom never saw who I've become, even though I do believe
00:14:02
Speaker
that our angels watch us, so I do know she's watching down. But it took me until my son and my husband passed away until I really believed it because I, you know, both Ken and my son, Beau, do things that I know they're contacting me and it's all the time. There's been, you know, Beau has
00:14:25
Speaker
you know, shown his face and like done different things to let me know he's around Ken all the time. In fact, today the smoke alarm was beeping for a little bit and then stopped. I mean, normally if it starts beeping, you need to change the battery. Yes. But it's happened twice now in the last this week. It's very, I'm like, what are you trying to tell me here?
00:14:47
Speaker
Just tell me. So do you notice if it's different, like with Ken, then is it more like electronics, like things like that? And with Beau, then what is it? He was more with Beau, because Beau is a twin of Ben, my son. He would contact more Ben when he was little. Ben would tell me when he was like four, five, six. Oh, Beau came to me in my dream. I mean, things that a child would never say unless it was really out.
00:15:16
Speaker
Oh, he wanted to go up to the clouds. He wanted to see our rebirth. Everything broke in our house one day, literally, oven, dish, every appliance. And I had that guy come out and I just said, is it just because the house is a certain age that everything broke? And he said, yeah, that's really weird. And my son was really little time. He goes, no mommy, Beau, Beau broke everything. He doesn't want you to forget about him.
00:15:39
Speaker
And I'm like, okay, I'm never gonna forget about him until we fix all that crap. But- Now how old was Beau then? He was four and a half months on Christmas day when he passed away.
00:15:51
Speaker
So for Ben growing up as a twin, he was a twin, but not actually really having vivid memories. I know, but the twin thing is interesting. It's so interesting with twins because they have a whole twin thing. It's a whole other thing. So it's been a lot for him losing Ken. That was his daddy.
00:16:14
Speaker
he's kind of, he was such a daddy boy, when Ken was alive, and now he's a lot more doesn't want to talk about him. He doesn't want to talk about his twin. So it does so it kind of rebirth a lot of the other is just a lot for one little human, you know, lose your twin, even though it was, you know, he was a
00:16:38
Speaker
an infant, but knowing that your brother died and then your daddy died when you're 11, that's a lot.
Finding Joy in Grief
00:16:44
Speaker
I've heard that even for twins that die in utero, that it's really hard for the twin that lives. So even that bond, even in utero and then after when they have, it's
00:16:57
Speaker
It's kind of that survival survivor's guilt sometimes. And are these other kind of emotions that are attached to that? It's a whole thing. And I mean, it's obviously affected all my children and it affected my ex-husband. He and Ken were very close. But my daughter, Melania, had come into my office right after Ken passed away. She came home from London. That's where she was living at the time. And she said, Mommy, you just have to be grateful for the time you had with
00:17:27
Speaker
with daddy because after Bo died, he made you smile and laugh again. And all of us, he helped us heal. And I just thought, wow, God, how grown up are you to? And when I started thinking about it from that perspective, that's when the gratitude started. Like, you know, I'm grateful I had eight years with Ken. He did make me laugh. He made me smile. He was such a great husband and father and friend. And he was fantastic. And I'm so grateful that I had that time with him. But
00:17:57
Speaker
And I'm grateful for my kids, but I guess that's what it is. You learn to be grateful for what you have instead of what you don't have. Well, yeah, it's just all about that perspective. You kind of just shift it and it doesn't mean you're not sad. It doesn't mean you're not grieving. It's just that you're, you know, alongside this grief and alongside this sorrow, there's still gratitude and there's still joyful moments and there's still smiles, like you said. Right. Absolutely. I think also, you know, you learn to manage, you know, you don't get over it.
00:18:25
Speaker
you learn to manage it and you kind of put it in a compartment. I'm grateful for that time. I loved him very much, but it doesn't mean I can't love again. It doesn't mean I can't be happy again and laugh and smile. I think you have to learn. I don't believe you can, I think you can grieve in a positive way. I think you can grieve. I started a foundation for Beau and for Ken at the Northern Light School in Oakland, California.
00:18:53
Speaker
So nutrition and education are really important
Memorializing Loved Ones
00:18:57
Speaker
to me. So I started those educational funds and then a garden at the Edna McGuire School in Mill Valley. There's a Beau Friedman outdoor classroom. So I feel that if children from a young age are presented with gardening and cooking and picking fruit and vegetables, that they're going to go into teenagers' time and adulthood
00:19:18
Speaker
having better eating habits than kids that are just not exposed to a garden. And I think it's, in education, the school in Oakland is amazing, and I, Ben, all my kids have gone to the school to help participate, raise money for it, and help out, and there's a golf tournament every October, invite a group that's on, and all these athletes from around the Bay Area participate to raise money for the school, and
00:19:45
Speaker
Ben has raised over $100,000 for his twin and his daddy's foundations. And I am so proud of that. And I just feel like, again, because he has done this from such a young age, I think that's just something that he will continue doing throughout his life. And maybe it won't be with that particular foundation. It might be something else he does. But I think it's in him now to give back. And I think it's super important
00:20:12
Speaker
especially for having someone like Ken in your life, I think it's important to use his name.
00:20:20
Speaker
to honor him, but to help others, not just receive tickets to Wimbledon and the US Open. Right, so let's go there, because our audience does not know then who we're talking about, so. OK, sorry. Oh, no, it's totally fine, because I'm the one that started asking in a totally different order. So let's talk about then, you met Ken then.
00:20:45
Speaker
Let's see, how old was your youngest then at that point? Oh, he was little. He was not even two. So, Ben was two and then you're old and Melania was how old, your oldest wife? Oh my God, she was, let's see, so she was 15? 15, and so you have four living children, five children with both ranging in these ages.
00:21:07
Speaker
And so you met Ken Flack, and so he was a professional tennis player. So did you get to play tennis? As you said, you grew up playing tennis as a kid. Tell us. We did. We didn't play tennis. And actually, one of my better qualities was that I hated tennis as much as he did, because he liked so much growing up. But no, we hit sometimes, but not that often.
00:21:30
Speaker
It must be intimidating, just like it's intimidating. It wasn't intimidating. It was actually like, oh my gosh, the hit with someone that's that incredible, even after he retired, was like a dream. It was just for fun. But he was obsessed with golf, and that's what my boys and my daughter Rose was supposed to offer in college. And so all they want to do is golf. So I ended up playing a lot more golf, and we played some tournaments at our club and stuff. So that was fun. And golf was his passion.
00:22:00
Speaker
So tennis was his work and golf was his passion. Yes. Okay. So take us then, because the reason you are with the foundation of substance, am I saying, substance alliance, bringing up awareness with us is because of how Ken died.
The Sepsis Story
00:22:18
Speaker
So share with us, this was in 2018. And if you would mind sharing a little bit then about that.
00:22:27
Speaker
And again, it's an education for myself and for the center. So thank you. So Ken and I were completely unaware what sepsis was at the time he got sick, but he got a cold and it turned into bronchitis and he had contacted his doctor at Kaiser Permanente and they had a vice nurse and they didn't see him in this whole craziness of not seeing him and not diagnosing it correctly and then giving him the wrong medicine.
00:22:57
Speaker
was this whole awful thing that within 12 hours of calling the doctor, he was on life support. And because he had taken no antibiotic, even though we repeatedly said he had green and yellow coming out and everything, he, uh, it turned because if you take cough medicine with coding and you have an infection brewing in your body, it slows down your breathing and makes the infection grow at an insane rate. So.
00:23:27
Speaker
within those 12 hours, I'm like, how is he so much worse with an inhaler and the, you know, the cough medicine? He was, so I rushed him to the hospital the next day. He was spitting up blood and he was on life support. And that was on a Thursday. And by Monday, he, his arms and legs were turning black. All his organs were shutting down and we had to take him off life support. And it was, it was terrible for his children and my children
00:23:58
Speaker
and the Sepsis Alliance contacted me and asked if I'd be willing to raise awareness and speak about sepsis because most people, I had no idea what it was and I had no idea that a quarter of a million people a year died of it. And so I said, yeah, I would be willing to do that. And then it just kind of started that I was speaking on podcasts and TV and
00:24:19
Speaker
And then the ATP tennis association did a Ken Flack golf tournament in Indian Wells. So I have given out the trophy to the winner of that because it was so great that they, the tennis community has been so gracious with his passing. In fact, Wimbledon was just last weekend and they were the men's final. They were talking about Ken and Rob, his partner. So it was really lovely. But I, I'm so grateful that I'm able to,
00:24:49
Speaker
honor Ken by raising awareness and educating people about the signs of sepsis. If your listeners go to sepsis.org, they're in scroll down. There's a little diagram that says time. And what time is, is T is for temperature. You can be incredibly hot or incredibly cold. I is for infection in some place in your body, whether it be an infected tooth or a cut or bronchitis, turned into pneumonia.
00:25:16
Speaker
uh, M is for mental decline. It's just, they're kind of fuzzy and they're just not all there. And then E is for excruciating pain. You feel like you're dying because you are dying. Your organs are shutting down and the pain is just awful. And I think that because of, you know, those signs, the thing is with sepsis, it's totally curable, but you have, it's not one of those things like, you know how you get, you know, you have to know your body.
Advocacy and Legal Battles
00:25:44
Speaker
If you know, you know how you feel when you have a cold or flu, you know what that feels like. Well, this is something that you don't know. So you really have to be aware and know your body to go, you know what, this isn't right. Or listen to your spouse or your loved one that's telling you like, no, we're going to the doctor. Um, yeah. And if they're saying you're kind of, you're, you're sounding, you're like, if the mental decline, then do they sound like, would they sound kind of incorrect? Yeah, they're just like kind of a little off. And so I think.
00:26:15
Speaker
It's been so amazing. So the past four and a half years that I've been doing this, how many people I, one of my new best friends, she's like my sister. She, a year after 10 past, she heard me on an interview like this and she sent me a DM to me on Facebook. And I normally never respond to those, but I don't know why I did that David. Thank God I did. And she's like, I think my husband has sepsis and I'm like, get him to the hospital. And she, we saved him.
00:26:41
Speaker
And then it was so weird. So she and I became friendly and two years later, like a few days before Ken's passing, he had gone to have surgery at Stanford and got sepsis again and he died. And she called, I was like the first person she called and I'm like, this cannot be happening again.
00:27:02
Speaker
And so she and I, we have this like sister bond. And so I, but I, you know, I had a lawsuit against Kaiser and I won. And it was just felt so important to me for them to acknowledge what they did. And it's so wrong here in California.
00:27:23
Speaker
If someone dies, there's like, the most you can get is $250,000. Right. And anything, the only way, because it's, it took four and it took over four years for my lawsuit to happen. To finish. To finish.
00:27:38
Speaker
And so I was blessed. I have this amazing lawyer, Scott Righthand in San Francisco. He's a total rock star. He took on my case and he worked his ass off and was amazing and we won. But if the only way to, a lawyer will do that is if there's economic loss, that's the only way that you can, you know, get, and it's not about the money. It's about, I mean, to just hear from a judge
00:28:05
Speaker
Acknowledging that because of the advice nurse not doing her job and the doctor not doing his job and died And to hear that my god was so intense. It was You know, it was really like I was so happy to hear that But then I was really angry just to think that god That he died needlessly like it just it sickens me and no one should die like that
Challenges in Healthcare Lawsuits
00:28:33
Speaker
Right. And these, and these, and it's so unfair. So after this, you know, I, after I won my case, I did an interview on Fox because I want there to be changed in these methods in like the Kaiser system. I want every person should be seen and there needs to be changed. You know, everyone should be seen. And I wanted people to know what the signs of sepsis are. And so I cannot tell you how many phone calls, texts, emails, I have gotten
00:29:03
Speaker
Hundreds, hundreds of people contacting me wanting to know who my lawyer was. How did I do it? And it got to the point that I have to be really honest with people saying, I'm sorry that your 80-year-old grandmother died at Kaiser and she had sepsis. No one should die this way, and it's awful. But if there's not economic loss, you can't sue. And it's so not fair. There's a stupid law in California that
00:29:32
Speaker
protects these companies like Kaiser Permanente that it's kind of conflict of interest if you think about it because they're insurers, but they're also the doctors. And then you also, unbeknownst to me when you sign up with Kaiser, we were only with them from January until March when Ken died, two and a half months and he died. And you had only been with that insurance those few months ago. Yes, because we're both self-employed.
00:30:02
Speaker
You know, it's so unfair that, you know, you don't know what you're signing. You just sign up for the insurance, but with Kaiser, you're also signing that you agree if there is a lawsuit to arbitration, like not to have a jury. If I'd have been in front of a jury, it would have been a whole, it would have even been more, but you know, it's because they would have heard all of this and it would have been more public and it would have been more damaging to them.
00:30:28
Speaker
It's just, it's just so much. Okay. So let, I want to backtrack here because you only really had then four days from the moment he went into the hospital to his passing. Was it about four days? Was that about how long it was? Yes. About that. Okay. So with that, then he passes
00:30:49
Speaker
What did you do to navigate then your grief at that moment? Because you're also then adding to that list of, aside from your grief, everything with the lawsuit. So how do you do that when you're navigating these two different huge emotions? Your huge anger because somebody is at fault kind of aspect and then your grief itself for the loss. Right. Well, I think at first I was just like in such shock
00:31:19
Speaker
Um, that had happened, but then I think I, I, I just was trying to find my way. I was just trying to be the best mom I could be run my business, try and like, I kept thinking my agent called and I, I, she said, what can I do? And I said, just book me a shoot. And she's like, her husband just died. I'm like, I don't, I know that like, I don't care, but that's where I feel normal. Again, the normal coming.
00:31:49
Speaker
Yeah, I feel my best when I'm on a photo shoot and then she booked me a job with third love. It's like a lingerie brand. And I guess I've been meaning actually. I've been actually I get those ads on Instagram offer. I'm like, oh, I wonder if it's good. Yeah, they're actually they're great. I remember like I kept thinking, oh, soon as I get to that shoot, I'll feel OK. But I got there and I wasn't OK. I was a mess.
00:32:16
Speaker
So what did you do? Like what did you do? Cause here you are, you can't, you're in front, you're like, this is not like you can hide your emotions. I was actually even going to say, cause as a makeup artist, I'm assuming and as a hairstylist, I'm sure it's similar to when you go to get your hair done that you're
00:32:30
Speaker
Hairstylist becomes your therapist, almost. I'm sure people share their life with you. Oh, they tell me everything. Everything, right? No idea. No, I could totally imagine two hours of you doing all their work. Yeah, and you're with them all day long. It's like going to camp, right? So how did you do then? I just- Here's you with your, you have your things now here and with someone else. I think God had worked with that photographer before.
00:32:59
Speaker
And I think he knew what happened and he's like, are you okay? And I'm like, yeah, yeah, fine. I just was really quiet, not like myself. And I, I know I broke down crying, but I did my job. I, you know, and then I remember I went to go work with Mark and Graham and that's another, like a Williams Sonoma company that I worked with all the time. And I was not, I was just really, I mean, I'm always professional. I will always do my job. I'm not going to sit there.
00:33:24
Speaker
sobbing, but I was just not my normal bubbly, happy self. I was just pretty quiet, did my job and went back to my area. So I remember they always played like really fun music. And this one song came on, it was called Chills. And I just remember walking back out on set in front of everyone. I go, I like this song.
Kindness from Strangers
00:33:47
Speaker
And they're like, she's both. She's happy. Oh, they played that song 100 times that day. And it was so funny. They were so nice to me. But you know, that's the thing. It was so interesting to me how kind strangers were to me. Like people that I barely knew that were hardly friends would show up at my door with food or just come and help me organize my office. It was really remarkable. I remember for like a,
00:34:15
Speaker
I don't even know how many months, but this one woman would show up every Monday with food. And it just like the kindness of strangers was so beautiful. Like it was really, really fantastic. I mean, obviously my thing was a little bit different than most because Ken was famous and a public person. And so that made my grief a little more public then. So that made it even a little harder. I remember I was in Las Vegas, like,
00:34:46
Speaker
So he died in March and I was in Las Vegas like during Wimbledon. So that's like July. And I was doing a consulting job and I remember walking through this casino on my way to my, you know, the hotel. And it was like the most bizarre thing happening. There's all these TVs, what was sports on and Wimbledon was on and they were, it was the first year that Ken had passed and they were honoring him and they kept talking about him. And like every TV there was his face. And I'm like, Oh my God, I cannot even
00:35:16
Speaker
This is happening. This is so weird. This is so fucking weird that my husband's died. I'm walking. I'm consulting for a company. And his face is all over. So then it's like, what do you do then? Because it is, like you said, he is a public figure. You're with public figures all the time as well. So it's like you cannot hide. It's right in front of you all the time. Right.
00:35:45
Speaker
You have to be able to face it, like they say every single time. So with Ken passing, how did then your grief of your mom and then your son, Beau, did that end up coming up to the surface again then? I think it did. Well, I think I was a little more prepared for when Ken passed that I knew that I couldn't go off the deep end like I did with Beau. I mean, your son dying on Christmas Day in your arms is just so traumatic.
00:36:16
Speaker
in itself and I started taking like sleeping pills during the day just to like numb myself. So I did that for like a month and then my friends are like, okay, you're not a drug addict, so enough. And so I just knew like with Ken, I really, I went the exact opposite. I worked out twice a day. I'd go to yoga, I'd go to Pilates, I'd ride my horse, I'd go for a walk. I would do something because it would, I was so anxious. I,
00:36:43
Speaker
You know, again, made sure I ate, even though I couldn't really eat. My girlfriend Trudy was so sweet. She's Irish and she would make this Irish bread. That's literally all I ate. And all these things that I just tried to keep on track and just not go, I couldn't go crazy. I couldn't like drink. I mean, I just, well, I couldn't allow myself to do that. Cause my kids, I'm like, they're going to like lose their shit if I,
00:37:11
Speaker
you know, am I off my rocker. So I just became extra disciplined. And I think that's really what saved me. And I think God had my company and my work that brought me joy. And I prayed and I was grateful. And, you know, it just, it was a hard time. It was really a hard time. So you were saying like, you just couldn't fall apart at that moment. Cause you also had to be able to help the kids navigating their grief. So.
00:37:41
Speaker
When your son both passed away, the same thing you could, yes, you could wallow for a few, you know, like you said, like a month, then your friends were like, no, you got to kind of, you don't even know what you're doing. And I remember, I think also like we live in a small town in Mill Valley and everyone knows our family because we have a million kids and they all play sports. And so.
00:38:07
Speaker
You know, unfortunately, and you know, that was great. People are very kind and everything, but I just felt like everywhere I went, everyone was looking at me like, oh, that lady's baby died on Christmas. Like, it's a lifetime movie that'll never air. It's so crazy. No one will believe that this happened. And so I just remember like any time I'd go to the supermarket, I'd wear a baseball hat and glasses and I'd just keep my head down. I think the hardest thing for me dealing with grief is I don't like,
00:38:37
Speaker
people looking at me with pity. I hate it. Like even when my mom was sick, like when I was growing up, they're like, oh, her mom was sick. Like I think that's one of the things that I really don't like is just people feeling sorry for me. I don't like that. I don't like that. So I just made no eye contact for a really long time. And you know, time does soften things and you heal. But you know, it's, it's,
00:39:07
Speaker
I, you know, it made me happy to, you know, and then here's the other thing I've had to, so my ex-husband grieve, he is super private and he doesn't grieve the way I do. I started these educational funds. I started the garden. I speak, I do this. Like he would never, and I used to resent him that he wasn't more supportive of my foundations and my garden and
00:39:35
Speaker
All that I, he thinks it's great that I do this, but I don't say his name publicly. I don't, but I did judge him for a really long time about, I think until, I think that's kind of helped my relationship with him, not my relationship, more like how I have forgiven him. Cause I blamed, I was angry at him for how he grieved because it wasn't like I do. And I learned that everyone does grieve differently.
00:40:01
Speaker
And I went to a grief camp at Canyon Ranch and I read this fabulous, well, the author of this fabulous book that I'm going to tell you guys about is Rabbi Sherry Hirsch. She's from Los Angeles and she wrote the book, We Plan and God Laughs. And it's a great book for anyone to read whether you're grieving or not. It teaches you that life is always going to have bumps and you have to learn to ride the waves and people die.
00:40:31
Speaker
Of course, I've had a little bit more than most people at a young age that I'm widowed and lost a baby in my mom, but everyone's going to die. Everyone's husband, wife, people are going to die, unfortunately, but that's just how it is. But I also feel that I believe that when we die, you go to heaven and you're back with your people. So to me, I don't fear death the way I did before. I am like, well, when it's my time,
00:41:00
Speaker
I'll go up there and I'll be with my mom and my son.
00:41:05
Speaker
Ken and everyone else on my own. You have a welcome committee. My cousin, I've got so many angels up there. Yeah, you have a welcome committee about to greet you. It changes, yeah, because there's actually a longing. When my mom passed away, my sister passed away 26 years ago, sorry, 25 years ago, and my mom passed away five years ago. So when my mom passed away, my dad, there was an aspect of like, oh, she's going to be with Zirana. Like what you're saying now, there's actually
00:41:33
Speaker
Somewhat of a even like a longing not that you want to leave this like either, but there's no aspect that go I don't fear it anymore. No, you don't know I also like I think probably like my worst like for me losing another child would just it would That's probably you know, I think I can explain I Can deal with pretty much anything? but to lose one of my kids now and
00:42:00
Speaker
But see, then again, there's the other kids that are remaining. God forbid something happened to one of them, you know, or all of them. It's like, so it's, it's tough sometimes. No, it is still hard. It doesn't mean that because you've already been through one grief experience that you're, that you'd be able to, you know, kind of hop on the next one with ease. No, you wouldn't. It's kind of like when I took my kids to college,
00:42:32
Speaker
I've taken three kids to college now. And each one, it's been awful. I've cried my guts out leaving my kids at college. I took two to New York, one to NYU, one to Parsons, and then one to LA to Occidental. And I tell you, I dropped them off and I begged them not to go and I cried. It's hard for me to, I probably have a little, I don't like saying goodbye to people.
00:42:59
Speaker
I tell everyone I love them so much and I think, yeah, so there's some things, I've had post-traumatic shock but I've also had post-traumatic growth and I think
00:43:17
Speaker
I know what I've grown on and what's made me be stronger and better. I mean, I didn't know how strong I was, but I also know that there's some things that I do have triggers. I have abandoned issues, obviously. Well, you've been experiencing it since your mom died when you were, that's one, then you're- Yeah, it's like, and then you thought, after Beau passed, I thought, oh, I'm golden. There is nothing.
00:43:46
Speaker
Nothing more that can happen to me.
Resilience Through Grief
00:43:51
Speaker
And so when Ken died, I was just like, how is this actually happening to me?
00:43:58
Speaker
It's so much, but then like you said, you realize how strong you are. Like you don't know how resilient you are until you go through these things, right? And then your kids then also, you realize how resilient they've been in all these journeys as well. You're seeing their growth and we never know who we would have been had we not gone through something. You know, I just read an interesting book and it was about a girl that like married her high school sweetheart. They moved to LA and then
00:44:28
Speaker
Like the day before their first year anniversary, the husband, they were supposed to go somewhere, but he was a photographer and he went to go do this photo shoot up in Alaska. And then he disappeared and died. He died. And then she was a disaster. And then she went back to her hometown and like three and a half years later, she met the other boy she had dated in high school and felt like she was getting engaged to get married. And then the husband comes back.
00:44:56
Speaker
He didn't die. He was stranded on some island and, you know, all that. Wait, this is how much? No, no, no. This one's talk about Hallmark or Lifetime. Oh, it was actually a good book. And it was by the lady. OK, so I saw this book called The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo in an airport. I kept seeing because I travel so much I see it in airports and I'm like, I read that book and I loved it. It was fantastic. And the title is
00:45:22
Speaker
Don't judge the title So that author I do this typically if I find an author I like I'll just stay because I'm in that flow. I like how they work Yeah, so I started reading this book, but what was so interesting about it was How in the three and a half years that how much she had changed? And that when the husband came back he was like, you know, let's just you know She was like in love with this other man, but it wasn't even so much that it was
00:45:52
Speaker
She wasn't the same person that she was when she was married to him. She had cut her hair, all these different changes. And her husband, they didn't make it. And it was because she's like, I don't want to live in LA anymore. I want to live in this small town. And he goes, well, I don't like even your haircut anymore. Like, who are you? I want the girl that I left. And she's like, I'm not that girl anymore. So that was so interesting.
00:46:22
Speaker
You know, I am in a relationship now with someone and I think how different I am now with him, like how much I have changed since I, you know, I've known him. It'll be three years in October that I've known him and how different I am even from when I first met him, how different I am. But it's been like we've been able to like change together.
00:46:53
Speaker
So it's so interesting, you know, how, how you do change, you know, and it's such, it's kind of beautiful to think that you can change and grow and have happiness and joy in your life. Yeah. It's hopeful. It gives hope. It gives hope.
00:47:11
Speaker
It gives hope and that's the thing, if we can hold on to that and sometimes in those moments in which we really feel there's no way, there's no way I'm gonna get out of this one. Like knowing that there have been other times in which we thought we were not gonna get through that, yet we somehow did, right? Right. And that's why I have this podcast really is for people that are going through hard times to listen to these stories of people that have gone through hard.
00:47:36
Speaker
parts of their life and then how they've been able to navigate through. So I also think, of course, and I also think that, you know, people typically that were in happy marriages tend to their normal is to be in a relationship. So you hear oftentimes of someone's spouse dying and getting married in a few months or in a year. And I don't judge anyone on
00:48:03
Speaker
finding a new love or and it doesn't mean that you don't you didn't love that person that person isn't here anymore and it does and I truly believe that life is better when you have someone to share it with and laugh with and cry with I just I do and I I think I remember when I had my first child and I knew Melania and I loved her so much and I just thought oh my god I was so scared like when I was having my second one like am I gonna
00:48:31
Speaker
love this baby as much as I love that first one, right? I think every mom feels exactly what you just said. And then it's so fabulous because it's like you grow one heart for each kid. Like I don't love
00:48:47
Speaker
One of my kids more than the other. Sometimes I like them more than the other. Agreed. However, the love I have for each of my kids, I have a separate heart for them. And I kind of think it's the same. I had big love for Ken, but I have huge love for my new person. And he's very private, so I don't ever say his name.
00:49:09
Speaker
That's right. The ones if he hears his podcast, he knows. But I, you know, it just it I have my own heart that is all for him. And I think I think that's
00:49:26
Speaker
the best way that I can explain it, you know? People will say like, oh, but you love that person. Well, yes, I did, but it doesn't mean I can't love this person with all of my heart, you know? Right, and it doesn't mean that you still don't grieve the passing of Ken either. Right. Because it's like, again, that's another heart that the, like, if you're mentioning, like, that other heart is still wounded, even though this new heart has this big love, right? Yes. There's this other heart that's wounded. And I tried, and I think,
00:49:55
Speaker
I think I probably try to not sit and focus on my past. I don't want to sit and be sad all the time. So I really just try to live with my life now and the joy and the happiness that I have in my life. And I think, again, that's how I'm dealing with my life and my love and my grief. Because I'm allergic to being unhappy.
00:50:23
Speaker
It feels weird to me to be in a bad mood or angry. The part that you mentioned, even just with this,
00:50:35
Speaker
It's that aspect of having grace with ourselves, even in that journey too, right? As you're navigating, having grace in those moments in which we're not doing as great, but having again, that gratitude and that hope for what's coming. And you've definitely been able to show that with your story. So thank you, Christina. Christina, any last words that you want to share with the guests of anything that I did not, or any?
00:51:03
Speaker
Yeah, anything that we did not talk about or any tips or any other aspect. I think judgment. I think judgment. I think that it would be really great if people didn't judge others. It's so easy for people to
00:51:24
Speaker
after someone dies they have for people that like let's say for example for me I remember after Ken passed and they're like judging me that I you know and I didn't meet my person until oh my gosh 2019 so over a year a year and a half after Ken died but people judge me and I just thought like how dare you
00:51:48
Speaker
You don't know what my life is and how lucky and grateful am I that I met someone that made me happy and it's so funny because I feel like Ken picked him because they have so many weird similarities they both can spirit animal was an eagle and my person has one on the same older that Ken had
00:52:09
Speaker
the St. Louis Cardinals tattoo. And he played baseball professionally, my new person, and he has four kids in the same order and the same years as Ken's kids. Like, it's bizarre. They both have this, oh, this is the other weird thing. This is my favorite one. I have no other humans alive but these two people that squirt toothpaste in their mouth to brush their teeth.
00:52:35
Speaker
what yeah i don't know any other humans except the two of them it's so weird right that is weird i've never done yeah so i feel like i feel like you know maybe i think ken picked him so they're very smooth or you have an affinity for people
00:52:54
Speaker
You're a magnet for toothpaste squirters. Now, you said something about that aspect of judgment. You mentioned earlier that one of the things that was hard for you was even just how your, how Beau's father was grieving, how you, you know, how you each grieve differently and how you went and took on to do the foundation and how he didn't, and how you were kind of presenting him with just how he was grieving. And there was judgment even there.
00:53:23
Speaker
And then here you are feeling that judgment yourself then afterwards as you're navigating the death. That's true. Ken, you're feeling that in just a different way. It's so interesting you brought that up. I've never thought of it from that perspective. I hadn't thought of that.
00:53:43
Speaker
I'm here judging him, and then I'm offended that everyone's judging me. Right. But you know, it's sometimes I don't know of you. Thank you for bringing that to me. I'm glad you told me that because I'm like, wow, thank God I fixed that. I mean, but I've acknowledged that.
00:54:00
Speaker
But it's that part that we don't end up realizing sometimes the things that we have to work on sometimes until it kind of faces us again, right? It's like, oh, wait a minute. I've already navigated through that part of judging because I've already kind of, and then all of a sudden it's kind of being thrown back at my face now with this
00:54:19
Speaker
of being judged on how I'm navigating my grief now. And even just a part of whether it had been that you found a relationship or not, people could be judging like, oh, why is she going back to work already again? She's doing this. She's doing so ridiculous. Yes, people judge me.
00:54:36
Speaker
Um, they also judge me, like people have gone up to my person and said things about me that are not true. Um, and I'm like, wow, you can't be, people are jealous and that really shocks me because I'm always happy for other people. And it really shocked me that there's been multiple times people have gone up to him and said things ill of me of like, you know,
00:55:02
Speaker
I'm a gold digger. I only, you know, date certain kind of people. And none of it's true. And it's just like, it just shocks me. You know, thank God, you know, it's it's Dan, it's Dan, it does, you know, there's been some uncomfortable moments that I've had to
00:55:21
Speaker
you know, have conversations that are not comfortable. And like, you know, why would people do that? But they do. And then I just thought that just makes me like, God, I always go so out of my way to be, you know, kind and gracious to people. But and they really like, and if they can't see that my life's been hard with my mom, my child, my husband dying, and that I found happiness with someone, and they can't be happy for us, like,
00:55:49
Speaker
wow, how awful is that person? How miserable is that person that it's going to bring them joy to go to my person and say something ill of me to damage us? Like it's just, it's unbelievable. Cause it's usually a reflection of ourselves when we're doing that, not on reflection on the other person, right? It's the things that we're either lacking in ourselves or still need to work on. That's why we're doing that with others. So it's really sad. It's really sad that that's what happened.
00:56:18
Speaker
if we're learning something as we're listening to this is as we're navigating grief, making sure that or we're watching others navigating grief, not judging how they lead their lives and how they continue their lives even in the happiness. And I noticed that with widows and widowers, it's probably some of the it's probably the hardest in terms of judgment of the keeping on it's it's Yeah, there's a lot of judgment like people think
00:56:45
Speaker
I don't know what people think. People think you should be miserable forever. People think, I don't know what, but I just, I think that would be the biggest thing that I would say to other people is just, you know, think of it minute, put yourself into that person's shoes. You don't know what they're going through.
00:56:59
Speaker
Yeah. And a lot of times, too, what I've realized, and being a daughter of someone that remarried after my mom passed, what it brought up for us as kids was our own grief. It had nothing to do with us not being happy for my dad, but it was our own grief. So who knows if some of the people that are your closest, like if it's, I don't know, in your scenario, if it's people that you're close to that sometimes end up judging where you are in your life. Yeah. It's because a lot of times it's probably bringing up
00:57:29
Speaker
to themselves, the grief of missing. Yeah, so it's a combination of things. And so it's so complex. And again, it's just a reminder. We are human beings with a lot of growing to do. And in those moments in which people are going through life and going through grief, judgment should be left in the back burner, like really far away. And you know, I also think if someone has something to say about someone, say it to their face.
00:57:58
Speaker
You don't need to, like that's just, if someone has the nerve to go up to someone else to say something hurtful, I just feel like I would prefer if someone had something to say, they would say it to me. And then if they felt the need to share it with, I don't know, I just, it's so bizarre. And I think what it is is that's where when your life is public, and I really do try to protect my person because he's super hyper,
00:58:28
Speaker
private, like he doesn't like this part of my life that's so public, but he knows what I do for a living as a, you know, the makeup company. And what I do is like, this is part of my job. And so I really try to be respectful of his feelings. And I just, I have to, because it's just, it's not fair to him that my life's public and it's not his choice. So I have to be respectful of that. But I just think that it would be really great if people could
00:58:58
Speaker
I wish people could just be happy with their own life and they wouldn't give a crap about my life.
Reality TV Misconceptions
00:59:05
Speaker
My life's not that fascinating. All I do is work. I work with my family, my kids, and my person. I'm not going out to a bunch of society parties and going out. I know everyone would love to think that I am, but I'm believing that. I'm out reading my book.
00:59:25
Speaker
But why do you think that reality shows are such a big thing? It's like we are so consumed into wanting to be in other people's business instead of focusing on our own lives and what it is that we have to grow, right? So it's like people are like, no, I want to know what she's doing. I want to know
00:59:43
Speaker
where she's going, who she's with instead of working. Right. And I also think, you know, they think, you know, I look a certain way that I am a certain way. And it's so funny because I work in reality TV. OK, like I just wrapped a show, Tyler, you know, Tyler shows. You have no idea how scripted these shows are. They're really scripted as it is any TV, any reality show is. There's a story line. Yeah. Storyline is very scripted. Obviously, the dialogue isn't. But I'm telling you, it really is.
01:00:15
Speaker
I just think, I'm sure people's perception of me and my life is so
01:00:26
Speaker
Well, they can make it be whatever they want to be as long as it doesn't come in and interject and intervene in yours or whatever. So judgment, put it away and respect people's grief journeys. These are the takeaways. Finding things that you love to do.
01:00:45
Speaker
and focusing your energy on that in your case with your business. And so tell us, how can people find you? And if they want to learn more about your business, as well as the Sepsis awareness, you mentioned the website and just help put it in the show notes. Yes, you can go to Sepsis.org. Yeah, any other ways. And my website is ChristinaFlack.com, if you want to see my portfolio. And then, of course, Pretty Girl Makeup.
01:01:12
Speaker
My partner Jordan and I are offering a 25% discount code, discount code prettygirl, all one word on prettygirlmakeup.com. And we're on Instagram and Facebook and Twitter. And yeah, I just, I wish everyone love and happiness and joy. You know, I feel like a dream big and love big.
01:01:33
Speaker
Thank you. And dream big that you don't even know you're dreaming. Oh, I love that. Because even what you said before when you created your makeup line, you just all like, oh, I'm just going to do it. And that you didn't even know that it was going to be hard. And you just didn't even know it was going to be hard. And here you are, a very successful CEO of a business. Oh, thank you so much. Thank you so much again for taking the time to share your story. Oh my gosh, my pleasure.
01:01:59
Speaker
and lots of nuggets here and lots of interruptions, too, with the dogs, which we try to edit. That is part of life. Again, it's like, you know, we had a God laughs. So there you go. There you go. That's a great book. It's a really good book. I wrote it down. Thank you once again, Christina. Of course. Thank you. Have a great evening. Thank you. Bye.
01:02:26
Speaker
Thank you again so much for choosing to listen today. I hope that you can take away a few nuggets from today's episode that can bring you comfort in your times of grief. If so, it would mean so much to me if you would rate and comment on this episode. And if you feel inspired in some way to share it with someone who may need to hear this, please do so.
01:02:54
Speaker
Also, if you or someone you know has a story of grief and gratitude that should be shared so that others can be inspired as well, please reach out to me. And thanks once again for tuning into Grief Gratitude and the Gray in Between podcast. Have a beautiful day.