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The Silent Grief of Babyloss: Navigating Life Transitions and the Myth of "Moving On" with Shruti Trivedi
1 Plays3 seconds ago
Shruti Trivedi is a transformation coach and speaker specializing in supporting mothers and professionals as they heal, reset, and thrive. She creates a compassionate space for navigating grief, pregnancy loss, burnout, and significant life transitions, ensuring her clients feel seen, supported, and safe to grow.
Get in Touch with Shruti Trivedi https://blinq.me/AAcAILQ5QK3kxylXUp3S?bs=icl
Get in Touch with Kendra Rinaldi for more information about being a guest or Grief Coaching
https://www.griefgratitudeandthegrayinbetween.com/
Show Highlights:
- Navigating Cultural Life Transitions: Shruti opens up about immigrating to the U.S. from India at age 22, and the unique identity shifts that occur when you realize you have lived abroad longer than in your home country.
- The Heartbreak of Pregnancy Loss: Shruti bravely shares her journey of losing three babies, detailing a heartbreaking nine-week miscarriage and the tragic delivery of her twin boys, Yash and Raj, at 23 weeks on her oldest daughter's seventh birthday.
- The Pressure to "Move On": We discuss how society and loved ones often urge grieving mothers to hide their pain. Shruti describes how she suppressed her grief for years, running to the bathroom to cry between corporate IT meetings before putting a brave face back on.
- A Beautiful Birthday Legacy: A deeply moving story about how Shruti began secretly honoring her twin boys by etching "Y" and "R" onto her daughter's birthday cake every year, and the beautiful way her daughter eventually took over this tradition.
- The Power of Therapy: Shruti reveals the major turning point she experienced in 2022 when she finally sought professional help, realizing that the goal of grief isn't to "move on," but rather to move forward while continuing to honor your babies.
- The 3 ACE Framework: Now a transformation coach, Shruti breaks down her simple but highly effective framework for dealing with grief and life transitions: Acknowledge, Accept, and Address.
- Upgrading Your Emotional Health: Shruti explains why we are so quick to "upgrade" our physical fitness or financial status, but rarely invest in upgrading our mental and emotional well-being.
- Self-Care Isn't Selfish: We discuss the heavy burden of "mom guilt" and why setting boundaries—like taking a few minutes to finish your coffee or having a "no cooking" day—is vital for your family's overall well-being.
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction to the Podcast
00:00:00
Speaker
And that's where my life mission began, where I'm going to start talking. I mean, I've been talking about mental health openly, about pregnancy loss openly.
00:00:11
Speaker
And I want to support mothers who are even grieving now or have been told not to grieve, like, you know, who just be vulnerable. It's okay to feel your feelings.
00:00:28
Speaker
Welcome to Grieve. gratitude and the gray in between podcast. I'm your host Kendra Rinaldi. This is a space to explore the full spectrum of grief from the kind that comes with death to the kind that shows up in life's many transitions.
00:00:45
Speaker
Through stories and conversations we remind each other that we're not alone.
Focus on Grief and Mental Health
00:00:50
Speaker
Your journey matters and here we're figuring it out together. Let's dive right in to today's episode.
00:01:06
Speaker
Let's start with a quick disclaimer. This podcast includes personal stories and perspectives on topics like grief, health, and mental wellness. The views expressed by guests are their own and may reflect individual experiences that are not meant as medical advice.
00:01:23
Speaker
As the host, I hold space for diverse voices, but that does not mean I endorse every viewpoint shared. Please listen with care and take what resonates with you.
Shruti's Mission and Personal Journey
00:01:36
Speaker
Today i am chatting with Shruti Trivedi. Shruti is a transformation coach and speaker. She specializes in and supporting mothers and professionals as they heal, reset, and thrive.
00:01:50
Speaker
She creates compassionate space for navigating grief, pregnancy loss, burnout, and significant life transitions so that the clients can feel supported and safe and seen, which is so important when we are grieving and going through life transitions, is to feel seen and hence why this podcast is here so that people can relate to their own lives and their own processes as they're hearing others' stories. So welcome, Shruti.
00:02:26
Speaker
Thank you so much for your kind words, Kendra. I'm honored to be here. Thank you for coming on and for sharing your story. So I like to start off getting to know of a little bit about you, I would love to know where you grew up and where do you live now? That's which country, city, state, whatever you grew up in and where do you live now?
00:02:50
Speaker
Sure. I'm originally from Mumbai, India, and right now I am located in Herndon, Virginia, USA. Great. How long have you lived in Virginia?
00:03:05
Speaker
Since 2007. I got and I came here and been here um All last, what, 19 years now? Wow. And I know it's like when you blink and all of a sudden you're like, what? You know what was really for me? Like I came when I was about 18 to the
Cultural Identity and Transition
00:03:22
Speaker
States. And when I had lived longer in the United States than I lived in Colombia, it was kind of like, ah do I still say I'm from? Of course I am from Colombia but and culturally. But it was really weird when it I had already surpassed
00:03:37
Speaker
more time living in the States than I had where I grew up. Has that, do you know, does that happen to you? That's going to happen to me in probably a couple of years. So I was 22 when I got married and I came here and yeah, it in another three to four years. ah Yeah. That, that will happen to me as well, where I've spent more time in the U S than in India.
00:04:02
Speaker
And it, quite interesting. i I still feel like I'm so close to India, but at the same time, there are so so many connections over here. So there is a conflict at times where I'm like, where, who am I? Like, where do I want to go and Yes. And I think that now that there's more of this nowadays, probably, I don't know that people, mean, back in the day, people would move,
00:04:28
Speaker
ah you know, and leave their countries, but as like the whole family, right? now ah But now it's more individuals end up leaving going, you know, ran goinging um to different countries and places based on careers. So families are kind of spread out. We're like international, you know, you could say, oh, I have cousins that live in Australia or I have the, you know, everybody's just so spread out or my sister lives here and my brother lives over there. and is it Right.
00:04:57
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it has its own benefits. I think at times when, you know, like if I have to go to Europe, I have a couple of friends, Then I'm like, OK, then I have somebody who I can maybe meet and and then, you know, even they can guide me to where to really visit. So I think it has its own benefits of having doors. But you're right. I think it's happened over time where it's families are quite scattered um all over the world.
00:05:25
Speaker
um So, yeah, I been i have to find it too. Yeah. And we have to find ways of still, you know, staying connected to the families, also to our culture and things like that as we leave our our home. So, yeah, that's a whole other common ah conversation, really. But it's something that I think also plays a part in these life transitions, as you said, of accompanying people in life transitions and moving is one of those huge life transitions that a lot of
Career Transition and Personal Growth
00:05:56
Speaker
us go through. And we don't even realize that in moving, there's a lot of grief that happens in that transition. So anyway, that's just, ah oh you know but it still makes part of your story too. So Shruti, you came then to the States when you were about 22, you got married. Tell us about your family life and a little bit about your journey as to
00:06:21
Speaker
how it is that you now do what you do, a little bit of your own life journey and motherhood. Sure, sure. So I'll just have a little bit of background for my life in India, and then I'll dive right into my my journey through the US. So it's it's from my childhood. like Since childhood, I was intrigued by psychology.
00:06:43
Speaker
i I was just, you know, the physical body, we had the subject science where we are learning, but psychology was something I was very intrigued, just never had the courage ah and confidence to convince my parents that I want to major in psychology.
00:06:57
Speaker
So I ended up doing my undergrad in zoology, which is very weird, a subject that I was not really of my liking, but I just ended up there. And then after that, I was working at a call center for about a year. And that's when I got married and came to the US.
00:07:15
Speaker
So after coming here, I got my degree evaluated by the World Education Services in the US. And what happened was in India, undergrad is three years versus here, it's four years.
00:07:29
Speaker
ah And so they evaluated my degree to be high school diploma with a few credits here and there. So I was very shocked, like, okay, I just have a high school diploma. Now what do I do?
00:07:42
Speaker
And that's where we were just trying, struggling and talking to people. And then I found out a dental assisting course. So I got trained as a dental assistant, worked as a dental assistant for about a year.
00:07:55
Speaker
And that's what I was expecting with my first child. So motherhood was something i think very important to me. I wanted to become a mother since childhood. Like I was i was ah very much into it. So I just took a career break.
00:08:10
Speaker
And then a couple of years later when my daughter was ready to go to like a daycare, I started working in IT. t And um so then fast forward 2020.
00:08:25
Speaker
is where I think amidst the pandemic, we were having so much stress and you know you lose you know people by passing away. So it was a realization like, what do I really want to do?
00:08:39
Speaker
Do I want to just work like this in IT and die one day? It was a profound thought. And that's where I said, you know what, let me try to do masters.
00:08:51
Speaker
And then I was researching what can I master and like do my masters. in And I thought there's no reason of doing masters in IT because I've worked in IT for almost eight, nine years.
00:09:02
Speaker
And that's where it all went to my childhood. Why not look into psychology? And, you know, so as I was researching, by that time, i had also taken therapy for a trauma that I'll just talk through in a few minutes that I had not addressed. And I experienced my own transformation there, like a life without therapy versus a life with therapy.
00:09:26
Speaker
And that's what intrigued me to, let's say, do masters in mental health counseling and become a therapist myself. ah For me, unfortunately, I got rejected by a university twice for their master's programs, probably because you're seeing there is no background in psychology.
00:09:43
Speaker
And then I was there was this therapy session going on where I was just venting out to my therapist, like, why can't I get into this master's program? And she's like, why don't you look into life coaching, which is a similar path which is more future driven.
00:09:59
Speaker
But why don't you look into that where you can maybe get through the door and, you know, then you can consider, which makes your kind of interview powerful when you're next applying to masters.
00:10:12
Speaker
And that's where I fell in love with love life coaching. um I got certified as a Jay Shetty certified life coach. I follow Jay Shetty a lot on social media. So I think for me, it just became like, okay, if he's doing it, launching a program, I would just get it. And then I learned about ICF, which is the International Coaching Federation get credentials, which just make you an accredited life coach. So I got certified as a life coach and been in the business for um some years now. And
00:10:43
Speaker
For me, I was still working in IT until June of last year. I got laid off and then I just took it as an opportunity and it was like a sign. I took it as like, this is the sign from the universe now telling me, dive into your business full time and just explore what you're really capable of. And that's what I've been doing um for the last couple of months now, fully invested in this. And I think for me, it just feels so fulfilled doing this um and and making an impact on people.
00:11:20
Speaker
It's so interesting what you said, that sometimes it takes something happening for us to completely shift our life instead of us deciding to be the ones to jump. It's like, No, let let me just take the the rug from under you or, you know, the floor and you're going to have to, you know, you have to move because there's no longer that grounding safety net, right, that you thought was there. And then it shifts your life into a whole other direction, right?
00:11:52
Speaker
Absolutely. i I know back in, I think, 2024, even in early 2025 with how many directors and managers I had spoken to in my in my IT t company. Like, I feel like I want to resign. I don't want to be here. But I was just skeptical. Like, how can I resign? I have a biweekly salary. I have benefits. How can I just leave and just explore a business because I've never been a business owner?
00:12:19
Speaker
So I think it took that step. But there was, I would say there was a lot of manifestation as well on my end. that was going on for quite some time. I think it probably began in 2020 where the initial manifestation happened and then things started falling in place for me where I got trained as a life coach when I launched my business. And I think then again, the layoff happened for that reason.
00:12:45
Speaker
Let's talk about manifesting and then I'll dive into talking more about why you went to therapy for those that are listening. Yeah. So for me, again, the the word manifest, like you're saying, for me, it was a very new word. I knew the the book definition, like you think about something. and And the way I had thought about manifesting is you think about something dreamy, something wild, something completely unrealistic.
00:13:14
Speaker
And then you just think about that and and, you know, things happen in place. And it really didn't make sense to me. Like, how will things happen? And so if I say I want to go to the moon,
00:13:27
Speaker
that that is something i manifest how is that going to happen so so but the way it worked for me so uh this was again and and i think the initial manifestation in 2020 happened where then slowly i got trained it was the main one happened in 2024 i had registered my llc and i was having a ah ah coaching session with with like ah a butter coaching session where I was frustrated again and I was like, I don't want to work in IT. I want to really go into full-time coaching. And then the coach asked me, okay, Shruti, tell me ah ah um a year, a month and a year, when do you think you are ready to resign and leave the company?
00:14:14
Speaker
And I'm like, I don't know. I don't feel comfortable resigning. It's now everything is going well. She's like, just give me a month and a year. It doesn't have to be perfect. And I remember I mentioned to her June 2025 randomly.
00:14:29
Speaker
And I said, okay, but I don't know what to do next. Like what steps am I supposed to take? The conversation ended there. I got laid off in June 2025. And so now that I look at it, what did I do differently? Like I seriously don't remember taking any necessary steps towards um towards like and not not resigning, but me getting laid off. It happened.
00:14:56
Speaker
But there are definitely certain things like I know i I took a sabbatical from my company for a month, just having doing doing some inner work. and And then it it happened in place. So I think you somewhere subconsciously it happens, not necessarily I can give you proof what I have done.
00:15:14
Speaker
But that's what made me believe in manifestation so strongly that yes, so now that I manifested some things for 2026, it is wild. it is, it's crazy at times, but things will happen because subconsciously your brain is working in the background. You just don't know what it's doing. And that's why I think the word manifestation is very crazy because it's, it you you cannot explain at times like what what you did to make that happen.
00:15:44
Speaker
yeah you know it's so As you're saying that, this morning i was i was reading I'm reading this book called ah The Miracle Morning by Hal Elrod. I don't know if you've ever read it. A friend recommended it. And this morning, the chapter that I read was Visualization.
00:16:00
Speaker
And it was, it which goes in hand in hand with manifesting, but it's not just like the seeing of the event is that when you were saying about like before you're like, well, what steps did I do to get to that? But that when we visualize and when we,
00:16:17
Speaker
have an outcome of what we want, we also have to visualize maybe the process of how you're going to get to that, right? So, okay, well, I want to get here. Well, what do I have to do every morning? And, or, you know, do I maybe getting up a little, I'm going to visualize myself getting up earlier every morning to work on my, and I've trying to work on a book, right? So I'm like work on my book. I'm going to get up earlier and I'm going to start working. at There's right, you have to visualize sometimes those steps so that your brain says, oh, I can get up.
00:16:51
Speaker
I can do that, right? I can i can do that. i don't know if I could do that, but I know I could do these everyday actions so that then the that ends up being a piece of cake because it's just the process. So I love it. All of what you're saying with manifest, it's right of what I am also trying to work on. Now, how does then the part of your own life experience lead you to having had your own therapist?
00:17:20
Speaker
Can you share of that? And then we'll dive into what it is you're currently doing. Absolutely.
Experiences with Pregnancy Loss
00:17:27
Speaker
So I'm blessed with three beautiful children. My girls are 15 and 11 and my son is seven year old as of today, all three.
00:17:38
Speaker
And um however, i have also lost three babies. And for me, that that part of my life is mistress just...
00:17:51
Speaker
Heartbreaking, heart-wrenching, and it took me the longest time to seek help because of the stigma around mental health. um So my first loss was right after, not right after, but a year later, um
00:18:08
Speaker
and back in 2011. Sorry, I just forgot the year for a moment. ah In 2011, and of the pregnancy was nine weeks.
00:18:20
Speaker
I was super excited to get pregnant again after my daughter, but I was nervous too because my daughter was only like one and a half years old. But but again, motherhood, I've always embraced motherhood um because it's it's just a different feeling for me.
00:18:37
Speaker
um However, at nine weeks, oh there was no heartbeat detected. um And I was told to take a pill and terminate the pregnancy.
00:18:48
Speaker
um I remember that day, it was December 31st, 2011. That morning, that evening, we are actually a party to go to and we were going to announce that we are pregnant.
00:19:04
Speaker
And that same morning, this is the news that was given to me that there's no heartbeat and you have to terminate the pregnancy.
00:19:15
Speaker
i couldn't understand what really happened. but just came back home, took the pill and and had to go through labor. And then as I'm speaking, it's just getting more visual, like passing that red blob and I had to flush the toilet because it was so smart.
00:19:35
Speaker
The worst part was also my one and a half year old daughter watching me screaming and crying in pain while my husband is holding her tight, but not really understanding What is happening to mama? Like, oh, she was also excited. Even though she was one and a half, she still knew we were going to have cake and have fun and dance. And and we are here at home. And why why are you crying? We were supposed to have fun.
00:20:01
Speaker
um After that, I just didn't know how to grieve. i I just didn't also know how to grieve for something I never got to hold in my hands.
00:20:16
Speaker
And the society also tells you, the community also tells you, I was 27 at that time. So you're young, you know, you, you can get pregnant again. You already have one. Don't worry.
00:20:30
Speaker
Those are the room ah phrases used, move on. Just, you know, you'll be fine. and believed in that I, I pushed, I, I,
00:20:43
Speaker
went aggressively finding a job and that's where I started my IT journey. Like, okay, I don't want to think about anything. I don't want to stay home. I just want to work and keep busy. I was fortunate to get pregnant again. And my middle daughter was born and everything was fine. Then, I mean, um, a few years later, back in 2017, uh, was expecting, identical twin boys.
00:21:10
Speaker
And, um, they They were troublemakers since day one. Like the first appointment I remember the doctor had said that even with identical twins, they need to have their own amniotic sac. Like they need to be diamniotic. And it seemed like they were monoamniotic, which could be, they could end up being conjoined twins.
00:21:30
Speaker
And the second appointment, oh, no, they had their old sacs, so things are fine. A few weeks later, um one of the babies was not peeing. So they said there could be a serious complication where it could be a urinary tract obstruction um problem. And the next appointment, the baby peed. So we were having certain complications, but they were getting resolved at 18 weeks.
00:21:59
Speaker
um The babies were diagnosed with TTTS, which is twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome, where one baby gets more nutrition than the other. oh and was rushed to the Johns Hopkins Hospital, and a laser surgery was performed inside my tummy with the best doctors. like I think I couldn't get a better treatment because Johns Hopkins is the best hospital. The surgery was successful. However, a week later, my water broke.
00:22:31
Speaker
And right there again, i was told to terminate the pregnancy. And I was not ready this time to just not argue. I literally started arguing with the radiologist, like, is there a chance?
00:22:46
Speaker
And he said, there are like 0.00001% chance. And the risk is that you can lose your life. i said no i will take that risk And I was sent back home on full bed rest.
00:23:02
Speaker
um ah two And I was making through a couple of weeks. on At 23 weeks, it was my daughter eldest daughter's seventh birthday.
00:23:15
Speaker
And she was like, Mama, you are lying on the bed and I want just want to make it special for you. So let's decorate your room and I'm going to bring the cake and cut in your room. So I was also happy.
00:23:27
Speaker
and she was very excited to get all the preparations done. That afternoon, I developed a fever. I went into labor and I delivered my boys at 23 weeks um on her birthday. day And they lived for two hours.
00:23:48
Speaker
And it was the most peaceful night because I got to hold them all night. However, The most heartbreaking night ever.
00:24:01
Speaker
um And... And then what did I do?
00:24:12
Speaker
In a week, I started working. Because again... Move on. It's okay. Things happen. They were never meant to be.
00:24:25
Speaker
um You already have two kids.
00:24:30
Speaker
um The comments, which I believed they were true.
00:24:40
Speaker
No matter whatever I did, i was still getting, i was breaking down, but I tried to hide it and put on a mask. I was also told not to cry in front of my two kids.
00:24:52
Speaker
Be that strong mom, brave mom.
00:24:56
Speaker
I was fortunate to conceive again the following year. Really blessed with that. And my son was born.
00:25:04
Speaker
And it was a nice way of convincing myself, my two boys are back as one life. You know, this phrase, I've heard it from so many people. And I convinced to myself, it feels so serene, right? My two boys are back as one life.
00:25:22
Speaker
My son was born in 2018, however, 2019, 2020, even amidst the pandemic, 2021. There were specific dates. I was getting panic attacks. I was getting paranoid. i was breaking down. i was in between important meetings at my work. I was rushing to the bathroom, crying and crying and crying and not really understanding what is happening to me.
00:25:47
Speaker
And I'm like, then you're, I think those moments are you are the rudest to yourself. Like you're the meanest to yourself. Like Shruti, can't you be happy? You already have everything. You have a three beautiful kids. You have a job, you have a family, you have a house.
00:26:01
Speaker
Why are you crying? What's wrong with you? Why can't you just move on?
00:26:07
Speaker
And finally in 2022, my company was offering complimentary therapy sessions. I went to therapy with a very negative attitude like what am I going to tell like I've had these losses so long ago and I still feel something and I thought I'll just call and I hang up and maybe I'll just end it like I tried. The therapist on the ah contrary was so welcoming she was shocked like how did I ignore my mental health for so long and did not talk about it and just started like pretending so quick and that's where the transformation began because I felt I needed that validation from her like whatever this is this feeling is valid is is okay is acceptable and one year
00:27:03
Speaker
into therapy, I experienced the transformation where we rewired and reframed
The Importance of Mental Health Advocacy
00:27:09
Speaker
my grief. I also understand through therapy, like I don't have to move on. I move forward with it.
00:27:16
Speaker
I don't have to forget my babies. I can honor them. i I can remember certain, you know, my the memories that I still carry of my boys kicking in my tummy.
00:27:30
Speaker
And that's that's what happened to me. I remember a distinct a therapy session where I had written, I killed my babies. That's what came out of me.
00:27:43
Speaker
And from there to writing down, I did everything to protect my babies was the transformation that happened to me. And when I started talking to people around me, I realized it's so unspoken of.
00:27:59
Speaker
I had friends who had known for more than 15 years. They had experienced loss I didn't know. I'm like, how come I don't know? i have known you for so long because that's what happens. We are told to shove it inside of us. We are told not to speak about us. I know how many times i have been told to delete the pictures of my boys, which I have only like two or three pictures from the hospital, but it doesn't happen that way.
00:28:25
Speaker
They're going to stay with me forever. And that's where my life mission began, where I'm going to start talking. I mean, I've been talking about mental health openly, about pregnancy loss openly.
00:28:39
Speaker
And I want to support mothers who are even grieving now or have been told not to grieve, like, you know, who just be vulnerable. It's okay to feel your feelings. It's so important to address that.
00:28:53
Speaker
and And for me, the the mental health part is so big because we address our physical health very easily. But when it comes to mental health, it's still a lot of stigma. So I want to normalize the conversation about So, yeah, that's my job.
00:29:08
Speaker
My goodness, goodness, Shruti. There's so much of your story that I know that so many of us as we're listening, I know that I relate to several parts of your story.
00:29:20
Speaker
i My first pregnancy was a pregnancy loss as well. um And the same as you, I was so surprised when I did have the miscarriage, when I was talking about about it I worked with children. And so some of these moms that were around and they were like, oh yeah, that happened to me. I'm like, really? Like, why didn't anybody ever tell me that this? Because I didn't even think that it would even be an option of not fully carrying a baby. It was so weird. Like I never even thought that that was even possible, right? So that conversation of people bringing up and talking, I wonder if partly it is because when somebody's
00:30:10
Speaker
pregnant, you want to live with that hope of it going to be, you know, and so people don't like to talk about what might have happened to them in order to not take away that hope and dream of whoever's pregnant of thinking that there's going to something that happened. So, but yeah, normalizing the conversation about it and the part of grieving for your child that you did not get to hold because including in your first pregnancy when you, you know, had, you know, you don't even know if it was a girl, that was mine. I didn't know if it was a girl or a boy. And so it was like, how do grieve what I don't even know
00:30:55
Speaker
even if it was a boy or girl, you know, so connecting with that energy of that soul, i but of my belief of soul, you know, without it having known what the name was, was something hard, right, to grasp.
00:31:11
Speaker
I'm so glad that you finally found the support that you needed in order to open up and normalize these conversations. Okay, I have questions regarding your daughter's birthday.
00:31:25
Speaker
Because as you were saying, your daughter's birthday was also your son's, that your two sons. could Would you mind sharing your, did you name did you name your sons yeah when they were born? What were their names? named them Yash and Raj.
00:31:39
Speaker
Okay, so Yash and Raj, it was also their birthday and also the day of their death. So how did that impact family?
00:31:51
Speaker
years, you know, the upcoming years, like let's say when your daughter turned eight, and it was also their birthday, but yet also their anniversary. Do you remember that that year after? Could you share that? Because that is so important to, i think, to grasp. I want to know what, how you It was tough because the eighth birthday, like I think my daughter was so young. She didn't really understand what happened. And for me, I did not tell her that it happened on her birthday. When she visited me at the hospital, I just said, because she knew that they were twins. She was old enough to understand that.
00:32:30
Speaker
I just said they were born on June, like the the following date, June 29th, not on her birthday, which is June 28th. And for one year, that's what we carried. And the next following year, even though I was expecting at that time with my son, that birthday was tough. I know I was crying on my dick while I had the cake and all the parties set up for my daughter. And i I just didn't know what to do. Like, why am I crying? i have to order a pizza for all my all the people that are in the house.
00:33:05
Speaker
And so one thing just struck me and I took like a, on her cake, I just had one corner initial with Y and R. And I just had that piece of cake.
00:33:22
Speaker
And I felt nice after doing that. That was the year. And I thought, you know, I'll do this every year on her birthday. And then finally, when she turned 11, I sat down with her.
00:33:39
Speaker
i remember weber oh we were not at home. We were somewhere outside. And I told her the entire story and and because I wanted her to know.
00:33:53
Speaker
And I told her, the the boys were born on your birthday. These are the names. and And I also told her, this is what I've been doing. Because she was complaining. I know on her eighth and ninth birthday when I took um and and kind of, she thought it was scribbling. She's like, why are you scribbling on this cake? I'm like, oh just give me one corner. I want to do a design. I just told her I was doing a design and it was initially Y&R on the cake.
00:34:21
Speaker
I sat down and told her that you know, it happened on your birthday, but I don't want you to think that you did anything. um We did everything that, and to try to protect them, it was, it just didn't happen.
00:34:39
Speaker
And i told her, like, if you have any questions, come up to me, I'm happy to answer. I just don't want you to cook anything in your head. And, you know, so that conversation was very honest. I even showed their pictures to her and,
00:34:54
Speaker
We've been doing that. You know, surprisingly, last year, 2025, there was chaos in the house on my daughter's birthday. And um I had forgotten to initial on there on her cake.
00:35:10
Speaker
That night, I felt so upset. Like, I know there was chaos, but how could I not do it? I was talking to my daughter and she showed me, Mama.
00:35:21
Speaker
I know you were busy. So I just took a toothpick and look, I crafted Y&R on the cake. i i just I just felt, um I just melt had a meltdown. Like, oh my God, i she did it.
00:35:39
Speaker
And um it was so meaningful that now that I've forgotten everything, or I forgot to do it. She's going to take it forward, remembering her brothers in this beautiful way.
00:35:54
Speaker
So that felt really, really meaningful to me, um but that we are honoring them. the I know it's a birth and a death anniversary that we are celebrating, but it now becomes so meaningful that we are celebrating three birthdays as well. That moved me so much. That was so...
00:36:16
Speaker
Just to think of her doing that and that legacy living on, right? And that memory. I told my kids that too because they never met my sister who died before they were born. And so I say, I always remind them what her anniversary is or what her birthday is so that whenever I'm not here, there's someone else that could still remember those dates. you know It's kind of like you want to leave those legacies kind of continuing.
Personal Mourning Practices
00:36:42
Speaker
But something that is very important intriguing to me, something that I'm observing as you're sharing, that even though you were not allowed, quote unquote, to grieve, you were mourning. You were finding ways, like just writing those letters, their initials on that cake that first year was a way of you still holding a kind of ritual to honor their lives that you were doing in a way that was
00:37:14
Speaker
kind of secretive, right? At first you were, so you were doing things that were still honoring your grief, just not publicly at the beginning.
00:37:27
Speaker
And that I find very interesting because it's as if you really did have, we we all have that need of expressing it. There's, we we cannot just put a lid on our emotions, they have to be able to flow. So I i love that they they they still, you know, those emotions still came out in some way. yeah i I was just so skeptical to share it with anyone. So I did not even, I don't even think I told my husband about it. I told him oh a year later that I'm doing this.
00:38:04
Speaker
And he was fine with it. He's like, that's nice that you're doing something. But yeah, I was i felt i had to do it secretly. And I could share it with anybody because I didn't know how acceptable that would be. That, um you know, it could be taken very negatively. Like it's your daughter's birthday day cake. Why are you spoiling that cake with um with, say it in a brutal way with your dead babies? Like, you know, I've heard all sorts of comments. So it it's,
00:38:35
Speaker
very hurtful it's it's you have to carry the pain by yourself and you're told certain things like you have three this is a standard dialogue you have three why do you care about the other three oh my gosh oh you know this person a had five miscarriages or this person b had five seven miscarriages and they don't even have a child you have three that doesn't lessen my pain exactly this whole part of Yeah, comparison and grief. And it's one thing to share as a way of compassion of like, ah you know, ah the compassion, i understand, I empathize with your pain. I cannot understand it. I can only empathize because I've gone through pain myself in certain ways. I can't, but I can't, you know, i can't fully understand what you're, but to compare and tell people to move on is just so harmful because it's,
00:39:33
Speaker
It's like we don't tell people to move on from honoring their happy and joyful moments of life, yet we tell people they've got to move on from the emotions that bring pain. and mean i'd said Right?
00:39:50
Speaker
Yeah. When we are laughing, we don't tell the person, right, or like or somebody is laughing, like stop laughing. But as soon as somebody cries... You need to stop crying.
00:40:02
Speaker
Stop your emotions. And and then then that's what I learned through therapy, that the pain will never go away. It's not like popping in Tylenol that will relieve your headache if or or your body pain. It will never go away. But you will learn how to handle your emotions in a healthy way.
00:40:23
Speaker
Like when you're crying, when I was crying in in between those meetings, I didn't know the only way out was escapism. I used to just put on heavy makeup and come back with a smile.
00:40:34
Speaker
And now if I feel like crying, I let myself be vulnerable, feel the moments. And then I know I go journal or I have two beautiful boxes that the hospital has given me. I go look into those boxes. I write something that my mom misses you so much.
00:40:52
Speaker
As simple as that one line in that journal. I look at their pictures. I still have my low moments and I'll continue to have my low moments. until my last day. It's never going to go away.
00:41:04
Speaker
So that's that's what I have learned through therapy. And I want to, that's why it's so important for me to talk about it and to normalize that.
00:41:15
Speaker
Thank you. Thank you for sharing your own journey of what it is that got you to now being able to normalize this conversation and having now other women or other people that are going through life transitions come to you. So now
Life Coaching Framework
00:41:29
Speaker
share this part of your chapter of you being able to help and what kinds of people usually come to you. What are their usually their biggest life-changing moment that leads them to coming to you?
00:41:49
Speaker
So, like I said, I think pregnancy loss is one huge area that, you know, for me, even I'm, although I'm not a therapist, but I have people, I have mothers who are, who have been told by society to shove their feelings inside, just come to the safe space,
00:42:09
Speaker
And I have this framework called the three A's framework, which is acknowledge, accept and address. So acknowledge your feeling this way, accept your feeling this way and address it in in whatever form. Maybe if therapy is not the way, then there are other ways as well. Maybe some people take a spiritual journey and, and but address it. And that's where you will learn how to um kind of address your emotions. So people who feel stuck in their lives, like I know, especially with the layoffs that happened last year, ah may there are many people who don't know what to do next. You've been in the job for 30 years and now you don't know anything outside. So getting unstuck is something that I work
00:42:58
Speaker
like kind of peeling the layers and identifying what are really the blockers and you are capable of something. So like I i believe in manifestation now through my own experience, i let the clients manifest, like get into your wildest and fanciest,
00:43:16
Speaker
idea and then we can come up break it down into something realistic that you can do and then let's work to get there so the easiest way i explain coaching to anybody it's like google maps it's gps you're at point a you have to get to point b and that coach will navigate so i will work with you throughout your journey There will be obstacles, you know, with GPS, that's what happens, right? if they're There is an accident on this road or this road is closed, but we are not stuck there if the road is closed.
00:43:52
Speaker
We'll have a detour. Let's find some other way because guess what? Life happens. So ah we will work through different ways, but we will ensure you get to your destination.
00:44:04
Speaker
and where you feel transformed and you feel a new version of yourself. And and I've always said in my previous IT t terms, like get yourself upgraded. you are at 0.1, 0.0 version, get yourself to 2.0 version and keep upgrading yourself because we all upgrade our devices and we forget our own selves.
00:44:24
Speaker
So upgrade yourself and and ah you know just just get into a better version, which is absolutely necessary. Or actually people do think it's like they're upgrading, but they're only worried about the physical part of how they're upgrading their physical wellbeing. I'm you know going to work out and get muscles. So now I'm going to look this way when I'm 50 instead of this, rather than also looking at how do you upgrade your emotions, the way you express whatever it is you're feeling, how do you upgrade your mental wellbeing, right? Your spiritual wellbeing. We,
00:45:02
Speaker
we sometimes only focus on that. Absolutely. The most important ones that I have observed like people focus on is the physical that you're seeing and the financial piece. yeah Upgrading salaries, upgrading you know income, that is that is what is the the norm that is considered.
00:45:22
Speaker
The other areas are not paid attention to or they are not considered that important. But I truly believe the mental health, the emotional health is very important and we need to take care of it.
00:45:35
Speaker
Yes, absolutely. It's like ah reading a a book called Backwood, my goodness, so many long years ago, it's called Secrets of a Millionaire Mind. And in that one, it was saying that a lot of times you try to change one little thing. And again, you're just focusing on this physical transformation, but you're forgetting that we are four quadrants as a human being. We're physical, we're spiritual, we're emotional, and we're mental. So if you were keep on putting print on your computer and the outcome is like, wait, but well, you haven't fixed back to IT thing. You haven't fixed the problem in the hard drive or in the whatever for it to have a different result. You need to address who you the the who you are within you so that the outward expression of that comes much easier. So, right? It's it's a, it's a whole, we're, we're very, um it's a holistic approach. It's a holistic approach, not just a one, one thing. I love that. And I love that you have that IT t background too, because for people that tend to be probably thinking certain ways and that this is, you're probably really good at communicating it in ways that they can ask, actually grasp because you were there before too, right? You were in this very much linear way of thinking at some point in your life too, or at least had that type of job to be able to relate to people. Absolutely. And that work-life balance, right? We talk about it for me, self-care,
00:47:12
Speaker
is something another area that I've focused heavily on because for more than 10 years in my IT career, i I did not go to any happy hours or any like after dinners because of the guilt. Like, oh, my kids are waiting at home. How do I go? i remember a couple of times that I was told that it's a mandate and you have to show up. i I was so mad at my company. Like, why are you making me come? i have to go back home.
00:47:39
Speaker
But From the past couple of years, when I started going for happy hours, I actually felt nice. Like, okay, this is so much of a downtime. Like that the best thing was I could order my own food and not worry about who is eating what.
00:47:53
Speaker
And I could order my own ice cream and not worry about drinking milkshake ice cream. like So... I just felt so nice, like, okay, I should be doing this more often. And when I started doing those small self-care, um you know, times for myself, it just felt that I should be doing this more because then I'm a better person in the house.
00:48:17
Speaker
I'm not this whiny, frustrated mom who's always complaining. So that's that's, again, another thing that I highly advocate and and also coach people, like, you know, you are allowed to go for a body massage. You are allowed to go for a movie.
00:48:31
Speaker
and and not feel guilty and and you know it's it's okay to do that ah So I think that's where I was stuck. And and so I'd love to teach people that.
00:48:42
Speaker
I love it. and you know And the investing in yourself in these type of therapies or in these type of cultures like yourself that are there to help you guide your life. Because that's the thing. A lot of times there's this mom guilt or parent guilt. I call it mom guilt because I'm not a dad. So I can only say mom guilt because it's what how how I felt. That is like, well, if I spend this on myself, like then what am I taking away from my own kids if I spend on a life coach or if I, in in know in a transformation coach, which at, but the reality is you are investing in who you are to therefore be able to be
00:49:23
Speaker
a better parent, a better spouse, a better friend. It's an investment not only on yourself, but on your whole family when you take care of yourself, not only by doing you know me time or mommy time or massage or happy hours, but really on investing on your own wellbeing it and your goals and your your dreams.
Emphasizing Self-Care
00:49:47
Speaker
Absolutely. and And it can start like, I know I had been asked this question, like what if people cannot afford to go for a movie or, or so you know, or or a body massage? So, I mean, the answer to that is you can do that at home.
00:50:01
Speaker
and And the simplest example I can give you that we have changed is like previously my kids would ask me, mom, I want this, like water. I want water. And even if I'm having my breakfast or I'm having breakfast,
00:50:15
Speaker
something like I'm eating my own or I'm drinking my own coffee I would leave that and I would rush to give them water or or whatever they want now the approach has changed I'm like can I finish my breakfast it'll take another five to ten minutes can you wait for five to ten minutes or you can get water yourself but if you can wait for five to ten minutes let me just finish this and I'll get you water so it can start it can be so subtle it can be so simple or even like having a movie time at home. Like, okay, this is, I have those mommy days. Like at least I will ensure women's day and mother's day. So no cooking day for me. So from breakfast to dinner, I'm like, I'm not cooking. I'm not going into the kitchen. So it can be as simple as that at times where you you just, and my kids do all the work and then my husband helps them like load the dishwasher and everything. So it it can be very simple as well, where you can have,
00:51:13
Speaker
you know, those moments for yourself. And it doesn't not necessarily mean going for a Hawaii trip and and, you know, things like that where you're having these girls hangout where it sounds expensive, right? it It could be as simple as allowing even time to connect with a friend over the phone. Yeah. Right. be i would Do you remember when your kids were little, like the moment you're on the phone, it's like when they need you the most.
00:51:40
Speaker
Do you remember? oh my gosh. it's Like you could never like, wait, wait. Now it's the moment you're now it's like that for me, but with my dogs, the moment I'm i and on the phone, the dogs are the ones wanting my attention. But yeah even that, right, even that connecting with someone else, even on the phone, that that that does not cost anything. Yet you are having that me time in that moment of connecting with someone else over the phone, even if you're Yeah. With kids. yeah There's simple things that we can do. We sometimes we over complicate things and there's we could start with simple things. Shruti, thank you so much. And Shruti, before we finish off and tell people how they can get in touch with you, I like to ask my guests, is there something i have not asked you that you want to make sure that you share with the audience? I would as we are closing just this one.
00:52:31
Speaker
phrase that I love, which we were talking about, that self-care isn't being selfish, is one of my favorite phrases, um that that we ah we always think it's selfish to do something, and because that's what, again, we believe in, because it's been told to us, but it's not being selfish, it's absolutely important.
00:52:52
Speaker
So that's what how um I would like to close with.
Contact Information and Coaching Approach
00:52:56
Speaker
Thank you so much. And now, Shruti, how can people get a hold of you? And I'll make sure to put that in the show notes, but your company is called to Tulsi Heels?
00:53:06
Speaker
Yes, Tulsi Heels Life Coaching. Life Coaching. And they can find you then in the show notes is there and they can find you on Instagram, Facebook, Substack. Oh, that's awesome that you have a Substack account too, because those are really fun to read. And TikTok and YouTube and a lot of different places. So those links would be in the show notes for people to be able to connect. do have a QR code as well where you can just scan that and it directs to my Calendly.
00:53:38
Speaker
And I do offer a complimentary 60 minutes call to just kind of brainstorm and understand what through what what you really need support with.
00:53:50
Speaker
and And if I'm a good fit for a coach so happy to you know get get that coordinated and and you know we can you can have that complimentary call to to get started to upgrade it thank you yes to upgrade upgrade the drive now go to from 2.0 to 3.0 yeah thank you so thank you so much again shruti absolutely thank you so much kendra
00:54:21
Speaker
Thank you again so much for choosing to listen today. I hope that you can take away a few nuggets from today's episode that can bring you comfort in your times of grief.
00:54:34
Speaker
If so, it would mean so much to me if you would rate and comment on this episode. And if you feel inspired in some way to share it with someone who may need to hear this, please do so.
00:54:50
Speaker
Also, if you or someone you know has a story of grief and gratitude that should be shared so that others can be inspired as well, please reach out to me.
00:55:02
Speaker
And thanks once again for tuning in to Grief, Gratitude, and the Gray In Between podcast. Have a beautiful day.