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Ditching the "Cookie-Cutter" Funeral with Dan Ford
52 Plays10 days ago
Dan Ford is the 2025-2026 president of the National Funeral Directors Association on the NFDA Board of Directors. Dan comes from a funeral service family and always knew he wanted to be part of the profession. Ford recognizes the importance of being engaged in his chosen profession and has served NFDA and the Connecticut Funeral Directors Association as a volunteer and leader in a number of ways. His service to the association in his home state culminated with his term as president in 2009. Dan previously served as Connecticut’s representative to the NFDA Policy Board. He has also served on NFDA’s Audit Task Force, Disaster Response Work Group, Convention Education Task Force, Budget Task Force, Spokesperson Team and Headquarters Operations Committee.
Websites https://www.fordfh.com/ https://www.nfda.org/ https://www.rememberingalife.com/
Reach Kendra Rinaldi to be considered as a guest or to subscribe to the newsletter
In this episode, you will learn about:
- Ditching the "Cookie-Cutter" Funeral: Dan emphasizes the importance of personalizing services to reflect how a person truly lived. He shares the incredible story of his own mother's funeral, which featured a heavy metal and Motown playlist, an endless amount of Snoopy stuffed animals, and a motorcycle cop escort honoring her favorite TV show, CHiPs.
- Balancing the Deceased's Wishes vs. The Family's Needs: What happens when a loved one asks for "no services," but the family desperately needs a way to grieve? Dan discusses how to honor a loved one's desires while ensuring the family still gets the necessary space—like a structured visitation or a keepsake urn—to process their loss and control the narrative of their grief.
- The Power of Therapy Dogs in Funeral Homes: Dan shares how the presence of certified therapy dogs, like his dynamic duo Joey and Annie Grace, is a growing and highly comforting trend for families walking into a funeral home.
- The Relief of Pre-Planning: We plan for birthdays, weddings, and anniversaries, yet so many families shy away from discussing funerals. Dan explains why it is crucial to communicate not only what you want, but also what you don't want, so your family isn't left guessing during a time of deep emotional distress and brain fog.
- Invaluable Grief Resources: Dan introduces listeners to RememberingALife.com, a comprehensive tool created by the Funeral Service Foundation that helps families find local funeral homes, provides conversation flashcards, and offers a toolbox for those difficult end-of-life discussions.
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Transcript
Grief Management and Podcast Introduction
00:00:00
Speaker
Grief has no boundaries. People are going to break down. I've done it myself. But if you control that narrative and control it in the form of just simply having a couple hours couple hours of visitation, that family was able to ensure that that aspect didn't drag out over the next four to six weeks.
00:00:22
Speaker
Welcome to Grief, Gratitude, and the Gray-In-Between podcast. I'm your host, Kendra Rinaldi. This is a space to explore the full spectrum of grief, from the kind that comes with death to the kind that shows up in life's many transitions.
00:00:39
Speaker
Through stories and conversations, we remind each other that we're not alone. Your journey matters, and here we're figuring it out together. Let's dive right in to today's episode.
00:00:59
Speaker
Let's start with a quick disclaimer. This podcast includes personal stories and perspectives on topics like grief, health, and mental wellness. The views expressed by guests are their own and may reflect individual experiences that are not meant as medical advice.
00:01:17
Speaker
As the host, I hold space for diverse voices, but that does not mean I endorse every viewpoint shared. Please listen with care and take what resonates with you.
Dan Ford's Background and Funeral Profession Insights
00:01:28
Speaker
Welcome to Damn Chatting with Dan Ford. He is currently the president of the National Funeral Directors Association and the NFDA Board of Directors. He comes from a funeral service family. So I am excited to learn about his profession as well as what led him to do what he does. And I hope you guys all listening are also interested in learning about this. And we' we'll also learn some tips as well as how to prepare for our own funerals or for those of our loved ones. So welcome, Dan. Hi, thanks for having me.
00:02:04
Speaker
Thank you for coming on here. So Dan, you grew up with a funeral home family. So how is that? And tell us about that. Yeah. So I am very fortunate to have two. I had two wonderful parents. i had a great upbringing. My father went to work for a gentleman in 1970 and quickly became the manager of one of the branches, the Alderson family.
00:02:31
Speaker
And in the process, um I was born four years later, just telling you how old I am, and essentially grew up with the funeral business around me and and just being part of that profession and watching my father help families and guide families And course, you're a little biased about your parents being the best. And the and when you hear other people say it, um it really resonates. So I watched my father basically guide these people through the worst possible moments of their lives.
00:03:08
Speaker
And um a lot of what he did, if you put our resumes side by side, ah they're almost mirror images. And that's because my father is a wonderful man who has become my best friend. He was my best man at my wedding. um Just basically a guy that I put up on a pedestal and wanted to be like him. So 12 days out of high school, I was off to mortuary school.
00:03:35
Speaker
And that's a two-year process, which we'll talk about in a little bit. ah And the aspect of getting into this wonderful profession, being there, being able to support people and and being part of a a creative process when we're coming up with new and great ideas to provide a memorable experience, a positive and a very, very negative time in people's lives.
00:04:01
Speaker
So I'm very fortunate to be where I am today.
Personalizing Funerals and Family Guidance
00:04:05
Speaker
Wow. and It's amazing. It takes a certain type of personality, like you said, to be able to guide someone in those hard moments. And especially when you're trying to make a decision. I've been in that space of going into a funeral home as we were planning my mom's funeral and that you really are so filled with so many emotions, plus your brain you have brain fog, you have different perspectives of every family member, maybe of what everybody may want it to be.
00:04:38
Speaker
And it's hard to make these decisions in that moment. So to have someone that is able to hold space for your emotions and at the same time, everybody that's there as they're trying to make this decision,
00:04:54
Speaker
And kind of being a mediator, no right? a mediator almost between the families, right? It is. And it's not just necessarily sitting there with a checklist. um I've always been one to put...
00:05:08
Speaker
push the keyboard aside, put the pen down, and just have a rational, normal conversation. The communities that we serve, ah chances are we know the person or we've had some sort of interaction. The two primary communities that we have funeral homes in are roughly 30,000 to 35,000 people in each community. So then the surrounding communities are even smaller, sometimes as small as 10,000.
00:05:38
Speaker
So chances are friends of friends, those types of things, we we kind of know about the person, whether they were an extravagant person or they were very simple and and and basic, didn't like a lot of nice frilly things. So by putting the keyboard and the pen down, you get to learn about somebody and you try and cater those arrangements to who that person was.
00:06:03
Speaker
And it's usually very helpful even when you go through the process of selecting an urn or a casket, I can cater those ideas to how somebody lived their life.
00:06:16
Speaker
So it's very important. Even when it comes down to somebody says, ah somebody will convey that mom's favorite color was blue. Okay, well, we have an opportunity where if we're talking about ah a funeral that involves a casket, I could show all of the offerings that we have that are blue.
00:06:36
Speaker
And kind of cater to that, those types of things. So the idea is to personalize. um I've never been a fan of having anything be cookie cutter. So to be able to personalize and and I've done it for my mother-in-law, I've done it for my own mother um and which.
00:06:55
Speaker
I seem to kind of trend back to, as you just did, we talk about our own experiences and stories, and I find that
Balancing Deceased Wishes and Family Needs
00:07:03
Speaker
those are helpful. So to be able to do that and have an open conversation with the family is a great start.
00:07:09
Speaker
Yeah, because a lot of times people do not do not resonate with someone that doesn't quote unquote get it. Like they're like, this person's just here to sell me to this. They don't realize that that person like yourself has also gone through that process and empathizing with what they're going through. You can never say, you know exactly what they're going through because everybody's experience is different. Yet you have gone wrong.
00:07:33
Speaker
through that process yourself with your mother, with your mother-in-law, and in it you can put you know put your story as a reference for that experience. Okay. Let's go back to then. You see your dad, growing you're growing you're growing up, you're seeing your dad. would Would he come home and share stories about it or would you be in the funeral home with him on some days. How is it that you observed him in his element that made you think that you wanted to do this? There's there's a couple different aspects. One aspect that I still carry with me and it still resonates today. My grandparents, my father's parents, ah both passed away separately, different instances, but both passed away by the time my father and his twin brother were seniors in high school.
00:08:22
Speaker
So they were 18 years old, just had turned 18, and my grandmother passed the month after their 18th birthday. So couple aspects with that, watching how my father was gravitating to the funeral profession out of curiosity and because he was enamored with how they were taken care of.
00:08:47
Speaker
um My grandfather died when my father was 12. ah basically worked in a an environment that he basically just had a heart attack and was transported to the hospital and lived for a short period of time. But my father, ah from 12 years till the time he was 18, simply had his mother to lean on.
00:09:09
Speaker
And My grandmother went back to school and they my father talks about a variety of different things, losing family at a young age and also adapting. And that is one of the things that's resonated with me. Being from New England, we have to roll with the punches with the winter.
00:09:27
Speaker
So my grandparents, my grandmother specifically, couldn't be buried right away because of the snow. And so um any delay in services, I...
00:09:39
Speaker
i hear my father talking about how that takes its toll on people emotionally when they don't do things systematically, or you have a big delay from the time someone passes to the time you actually either celebrate their life or have some form of structured memorial.
00:09:59
Speaker
um It takes its toll. And I watched that happen when my mother-in-law died. My mother-in-law simply just said, i don't I don't want anything. And it took us forever before we finally decided that we needed to do something. And it was a light switch. But going back to dad and just watching some of the different things that he's done over time, um just I got the opportunity to go to work for my dad at the age of 16, simply washing cars and doing some day-to-day janitorial aspects.
00:10:34
Speaker
um And doing all of this, I got to watch not only my father, but his co-workers inaction. Watch what they were doing behind the scenes. Watch how they were helping families and guiding families and making the right decision.
00:10:50
Speaker
Watching the different stages of grief and knowing that I could do that. um While I was in mortuary school, a very, very close friend of mine, Elaine, who was like a sister to me, um was diagnosed with leukemia.
Cultural Attitudes Toward Death and Pre-arrangements
00:11:07
Speaker
And I was fortunate enough to be with her quite a bit because her cancer treatment or leukemia treatment was all being handled out of Dana-Farber Cancer Institute in Boston, which is a short distance from where I went to school. So um before I was even a licensed funeral professional, Elaine conveyed to me what she wanted.
00:11:31
Speaker
And that was before pre-arrangements was a big, massive thing that it is today as far as people being comfortable having that conversation.
00:11:42
Speaker
Elaine didn't convey to her parents what she wanted. She conveyed to me what she wanted. So when it came time for her funeral, which we knew was going to happen because of the way that things were diagnosed and how things were playing out in a less than positive fashion. That was my first real experience. And I knew with my father by my side that I'd be able to do this.
00:12:08
Speaker
That is, it's so, you brought up something so important and it's that it's really hard sometimes to have these conversations prior to someone's death, especially sometimes when somebody's healthy, there's sayings, at least in Colombia where I'm from, like sometimes you don't talk about it because it's as if you're bringing it to be. It's like superstitions to talk about, superstitious to talk about things.
00:12:33
Speaker
But at the same time, when somebody's already ill and you're talking about it, it's as if you're not holding on to hope. So there's this duality of it that you're like, okay, how do we have these conversations?
00:12:46
Speaker
For me, i I just talk about it nonchalantly. I'm like, okay, you guys, a party for sure. Like you guys definitely have to dance whenever I die. Like, you know, like I say things like that, you know, so that they already kind of know my wishes and healthy. I don't have anything going on with me that I, but a lot of healthy people die the next day, you know, so you don't know. So um that is so good that Elaine at least entrusted with you you entrusted you with her wishes. Right.
00:13:13
Speaker
Now at the same time, there's this duality, right? What are the wishes of the person that's dying? And also what is it that the family needs in order to grieve? You mentioned your mother-in-law didn't, was it your mother-in-law didn't want It was, yes, my mother-in-law. So tell us how that worked there. If she didn't want anything, but you guys were like, well, we need so something. big How did you, me that story.
00:13:37
Speaker
Being in the funeral profession, you can appreciate um how i am a I'm all about karma and i I'm a true believer in that. But I also believe in honoring what somebody wants.
00:13:53
Speaker
While saying that, I also believe it's important to identify what others may need. So watching my wife um try and process the loss of her mother,
00:14:07
Speaker
And not having anything at all. um And then six weeks later, the loss of my mother, in which we had everything but the marching band.
00:14:19
Speaker
um And i'll I'll tell you about that in a minute. But what I had identified to my wife is that we need to do something here. You're not processing anything.
00:14:30
Speaker
You have all these stages of grief that you haven't even remotely touched. And I would welcome the displacement you know portion of grief just to acknowledge that we tackled one aspect of grief.
Personal Stories and Unique Funeral Practices
00:14:44
Speaker
I think the mindset that I finally got through to her because of the fact that our children were not processing anything either.
00:14:55
Speaker
And so we did a variety of different things. One of the things was um we needed to have a place where we could go to remember her.
00:15:07
Speaker
So she was cremated and we designated a place that will remain a private place, but we have a place that we know we can go back um and from time to time be with her. Yes, she's always going to be in our hearts, always going to be in our minds.
00:15:26
Speaker
um My wife felt it was important to have a keepsake or a memento, which for those that aren't familiar with that, it's a miniature urn, essentially the size of the palm of your hand.
00:15:40
Speaker
So we were able to find a heart um and a color that she would have appreciated. And so anytime on a holiday or something like that, if we're not going to be at home,
00:15:55
Speaker
That little keepsake comes with Danielle, my wife, so that her mom is with us. My mother, a little bit easier because of the fact she is at a cemetery. And we talked about communication. Two weeks before my mother passed, she said to me, i don't want to go on the ground.
00:16:16
Speaker
So I automatically assumed, and shame on me as a funeral professional, I automatically assumed she meant cremation. Well, she didn't. She meant she wanted to be in a mausoleum, an upright structure.
00:16:30
Speaker
So I said, Mom, do you realize, you know, the monetary aspect of that when we have all this family grave space? And my mother being my mother quickly reminded me that she says, well, your father has it.
00:16:47
Speaker
So meaning the money. So, you know, it was a ha ha moment. And So we got to laugh while having an open and frank discussion. So um we personalized. One of the things that our association has done is repeated training with our membership to remind them that not every funeral is a cookie cutter funeral.
00:17:11
Speaker
Some of our members have packaging where you can go in and pick out package A, B, or C. And some of them have different names that they've either trademarked or something they're comfortable with.
00:17:23
Speaker
But not every funeral is the same. And we've strived to ensure that our membership personalizes. We personalize my mother's funeral. My mother was always a fan of the TV show Chips back in the 70s and 80s with the two California Highway Patrol. That's right. Punch and John. Yeah. so um So what I did was...
00:17:49
Speaker
um we had two motorcycle cops leading our funeral procession, right? So that was a cool thing that we were able to do. Another cool thing with my mom, she was a big fan of Snoopy, the comic strip.
00:18:06
Speaker
um So Charlie Brown and Snoopy. So my mother had um countless Snoopy stuffed animals at her house. So what I did is Danielle and I and the kids went to her house and collected all the Snoopys and every square inch of the funeral home was decorated with Snoopys.
00:18:26
Speaker
So that when people came in, They saw the Snoopy's and for those that were friends of mine, maybe not friends of hers, um you know, they had that right out of the gate, they knew that she was a fan of Snoopy.
00:18:38
Speaker
Not to mention the music playing over, ah piped in through the funeral home. And that was basically my mother's playlist when she had chemotherapy treatments. And then which you could have added somebody, like all the adults saying, wah, wah, wah, wah. Yeah, that's right. Right, this is omart right. Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah. Yeah, but so we had every single um my mother's playlist,
00:19:04
Speaker
is all over every possible genre from heavy metal to um basically to Motown and in between. So some of the people's faces when they come into the funeral home as they're in the receiving line trying to figure out what's going on.
00:19:23
Speaker
um We colored outside the lines on that one And that's something that I strive in our association strives to have our membership do so that When friends or and even family walk out of the funeral home, they're like, wow, that that's unique. That's awesome. And I want something like that. Or as you alluded to, dancing, music and dancing, right? So, yeah, that's I'm a little overly passionate about that, but that's something that we've strived to ensure that our membership does.
00:19:55
Speaker
I love that because even if somebody did not know about her Snoopy love, love for Snoopy or love for chips or love for the type of music that they were hearing when they left the funeral, they definitely knew. And so you get to know something else. ah I recently ah attended a service. It was at my at friend's parents' home.
00:20:18
Speaker
After her mom died and her mom was a prankster and would put little like cockroaches or spiders on people's like those little plastic ones. So they had a bowl with the cockroaches and spiders there at the entrance. And it's like, take one and prank somebody in honor of. That's awesome. You know, so it was like full on like, so and I was like, my gosh, I love this because you're also carrying on this tradition. And anytime you prank somebody with that, you're thinking of this person. It's very.
00:20:50
Speaker
individualized to that person, just like you did with your mom's funeral and how you've done with everybody else. So I i i love that, of including their personality, the person's personality in the in the way you celebrate their their life or honor their life, whichever one resonates with you. So thank you.
Funeral Director Education and Cultural Sensitivity
00:21:10
Speaker
You you mentioned the mortuary school. So tell us how what that process looks like.
00:21:16
Speaker
What is it? Do you have to have a degree prior to going to maturary school, like bachelor's. and So tell tell us the process. Each state has different requirements as to where you need to be and what needs to happen. So um I'll talk about a few different scenarios. So some states have what they call dual licensure, which is um either you're a funeral director or you are an embalmer.
00:21:43
Speaker
um The education is a little bit different dependent on the state and the requirements for that. ah One of the things that I did personally, our state in Connecticut requires an associate's degree.
00:21:57
Speaker
Now, the education that I received ah sat in between an associate's and a bachelor's degree. So it was 96 credits where I theoretically could have done another year of school and got my bachelor's.
00:22:12
Speaker
I elected to simply just get into the workforce and be part of the profession. So what was required in Connecticut was an associate's degree. We have some states in the country that require a bachelor's degree.
00:22:28
Speaker
And part of that is built in. a national board exam. Again, not a requirement for all states, but it's good if you want to work in multiple states or if you work in a geography, you know, geographically, I should say, in a spot where you are going to require multiple licenses. um Not a lot of states have what they call reciprocation, where I can take my funeral director license and go to another state and operate. So
00:22:58
Speaker
sometimes dual licensure required or, um you know, there may be reciprocation. But again, each state has different rules and regulations.
00:23:09
Speaker
Once you complete the education component, whether it be, um you know, an associate's or a bachelor's, sometimes the state doesn't require any of that. You could um just get a certificate ah dependent on the state. But when you complete that portion, you essentially, in most states, have a state exam that you have to complete, a written exam. If the state requires that national board exam, that's also a requirement.
00:23:40
Speaker
And then beyond that, there's ah typically a practical exam in which you're performing an embalming in front of a state-moderated proctor. So apprenticeships usually are a year. Sometimes they're shorter. Sometimes they're longer, depending on the state.
00:24:01
Speaker
So for for that process, it is definitely someone that will we have to be very comfortable with the aspect of embalming and all that. It's not just the being on in an office and doing the, for for mortuary school in general, like you have to be okay with the whole process of it.
00:24:21
Speaker
ah The aspect of being okay with it is being knowledgeable oh because you're going to be sitting with a family And they may have questions that the funeral professional needs to answer.
00:24:32
Speaker
So some states are working on a license that essentially may be a funeral director only license. And I've seen quite a few states where they've taken that model and say, we don't necessarily need um somebody to be an embalmer. We need a licensed professional to sit and map out and ensure that the funeral home and the family is receiving what they need to receive. Our profession being regulated by the Federal Trade Commission, there's quite a few things that have to be provided to the family.
00:25:06
Speaker
And it's important to have, um, basically oversight and regulation in any and everything. So it's great to have licensed professionals. It's just, we have to determine to what degree do we need to have the licensed professional. And then each state has their own opinion on that naturally, which I respect.
00:25:25
Speaker
And I've seen, um, quite a bit as far as forward thinking and making sure that our profession is regulated and regulated appropriately. So Dan, the other thing I was curious in the process of either going to school or after,
00:25:43
Speaker
do you then start also learning about the different cultural and religious ways in which people usually may ah practice their, do their services for when somebody dies?
00:25:57
Speaker
So a lot of the ah religious components, even just simple beliefs, those are picked up on and and basically done at the schooling level.
00:26:11
Speaker
And then when you're Doing your apprenticeship, that's where you're kind of drinking everything in. you know, you're taking it all in, ensuring that you're getting it right. So as an example, growing up in our profession, one of. the, um, groups that always, uh, entrusted us religious groups, I learned a lot about their faith and their belief system and what needed to happen, uh, very quickly.
00:26:40
Speaker
So I was very well versed in a very short period of time as to their belief system. Um, there's cultural things too, that you want to take into account.
00:26:51
Speaker
So there's a lot of, uh, as my father would say, um ears open and mouth shut aspects, you know, where you want to just take it in and listen.
00:27:02
Speaker
um There's a time to ask questions. um But, you know, again, it's it's learning from what's going on around you. And certainly, in my experience, anytime I've been unsure of something, a family's never offended if you ask, because you're showing assign a sign of respect by ensuring that you're getting it right.
00:27:26
Speaker
Yeah, yeah that's that's so important. Yeah, because for example, in certain ah religions, like you have to intern in turn in ah naturally made but material that like decompose, like a wood or something. And then if you didn't know the background and then you're all you're showing is metal urns or something like that, then it would be as if there's a disconnect, right? So understanding a little bit of somebody's background helps you connect also with the people that you're serving, right?
00:27:58
Speaker
And I've been fortunate enough to have great mentors and and leaders around me to educate me. um Even when the initial call comes in, when a family is entrusting us to take care of their loved one, I've always had a great amount of help.
00:28:16
Speaker
um I remember I did my apprenticeship at another funeral home outside of my father's funeral home. for the education to see how things ran from another set of eyes, and another perspective.
00:28:28
Speaker
And that was a time in which we had phone cards. um I don't know if you remember those. so I do. MCI was the one I had. i had MCI phone card. Yeah. So my phone card, um I would blow through minutes on that thing, calling my father, getting my father's two cents.
00:28:47
Speaker
And not that I didn't trust the gentleman that I was working for at the time, But when you have somebody like your dad in your life, that is this encyclopedia of knowledge, um, you could call him and he'd say, okay, well, um, yeah, you need to call this person or this person. And I still remember, I think I was probably 25, 26, give or take. And,
00:29:14
Speaker
I was dealing with a clergy person who said to me, um yeah, where's your father? I need to speak with your father. I said, well, you know, and I addressed him by his title. And I said, I'm i'm taking care of the arrangements. My father's out of town.
00:29:30
Speaker
Well, we're not moving another inch until I hear from your father. So I called my dad and I said, this clergy person needs, you know, a sign of approval, I guess, in order for us to move on.
Association Work and Resources for Families
00:29:43
Speaker
So my father called them and said, what's going on? What's the issue? Well, need you to verify that everything's going to be okay with your son. I don't know your son, and I don't know that he operates like you. I want to make sure that everything's 100%.
00:29:57
Speaker
So at that point, everything was right in the world, and I was able to take over and I was okay. You were given yeah the okay sign by by your dad to be able to yeah carry on.
00:30:10
Speaker
Now, what would you say are steps in which we can start kind of looking at? And what and do you serve, your organization serves, you said different ah cities and you can share more about that. Do you want to share that more first? Where do you guys serve? the one you so So we have our membership consists of roughly 20,000 members, a little over 11,000 funeral homes.
00:30:36
Speaker
And the aspect is that um we're not just in the U.S. we We stretch into quite a few other countries. ah What we do as a organization not only advocating for our profession, but for those that we serve.
00:30:52
Speaker
We have had some great success in doing things, and I don't want to belabor because there's so much that I could talk about, but one topic would be the BRAVE Act in which ah we solidified some benefits for honorably discharged veterans.
00:31:10
Speaker
So our organization was very active in that. We are doing a few other things now to trying to advocate for our families that we serve. And these are not self-serving things. These are things that we want to make sure that um the powers that be know that these things need to be addressed.
00:31:29
Speaker
So we do just that, but we do a huge component on education. And the education component, we try and ensure that we not only educate our membership,
00:31:42
Speaker
But we educate, again, those families that we're serving. And the way that we've done that with the assistance of the Funeral Service Foundation, which is an arm of our association, but the Funeral Service Foundation has a website that's a very consumer-friendly website called RememberingALife.com.
00:32:01
Speaker
So RememberingALife.com is does just about
Innovations in Funeral Homes: Therapy Dogs
00:32:05
Speaker
everything. I mean, it's this massive toolbox that has so many different tools in it. When visiting rememberatlife.com, rememberingatlife.com can not only help you find a funeral home, so you punch in your zip code and it gives you a variety of funeral homes ranging from a five mile radius to a 10 and et cetera. But just that it will also provide you with
00:32:31
Speaker
um how to have that talk, meaning how to have the talk of a lifetime and basically key topics. And they even have flashcards, believe or not, that you can obtain to have those difficult conversations. And it'll also go and talk about everything from what you need to know before walking into a funeral home, key components about what One of the biggest things that I love in looking at my own website for our funeral homes is that people that visit, yes, they look at obituaries.
00:33:07
Speaker
um But the next biggest thing is they want to know about us. If they're meeting with myself or one of our staff members and they don't really know who we are. We find that people are going on the about us page to essentially learn more about us before they come in, which I think is absolutely wonderful and kind of solidifies why we have that on our page. um A little degrading, I find that the people are looking at our therapy dogs more than us.
00:33:38
Speaker
So they're looking at the therapy dogs, Joey and Annie, our dynamic duo, that essentially are right by our sides to make sure that everybody's comfortable coming into the general home.
00:33:50
Speaker
As you're saying that, I don't know if you noticed, I'm looking down, it's just because my one of mine, this one just came here. Hello there. Hi. So yeah, she can't hear you because I got this, but she's literally came, she came here. It just does. You're talking about therapy dogs. I'm over here with my own therapy dog.
00:34:07
Speaker
that That's so cute. So you have that in, in your facility and do a lot of funeral homes have then therapy dogs in their facilities. It's growing. It really is growing. Um, it started with us because my wife and I, Danielle and I were with, um,
00:34:23
Speaker
another board member, ah Chris Christian, who is the president-elect. He has Lexi Joe. He's got a golden doodle in his funeral home.
00:34:34
Speaker
And he couldn't speak any highly or about this aspect of having a therapy dog. So it got to the point where we use the same breeder that he did him and his wife, Stacy did. And we had Annie come into our lives sometime back.
00:34:52
Speaker
Annie Grace. um Annie's named after my late mother in law, who was Ann. so Annie Grace came into our lives and we had, um, uh, Shih Tzu Poodle mix by the name of Joey already as part of our household.
00:35:08
Speaker
And, uh, when it came time to get them, get Annie certified, the trainer said, why don't you certify them both? So light bulb went on and Annie and Joey are are now full fledged certified therapy dogs. And just, uh, Joey rules the roost. He's, he's the, basically the one that, you know, barks the orders and, uh,
00:35:32
Speaker
Annie just adheres to whatever Joey wants, but they're awesome.
Managing Emotional Demands and Work-Life Balance
00:35:35
Speaker
They're they're a great part of what I do. um They're phenomenal for me when I get home and I've had a bad day because they live with us and just great for our family and great for those who we serve.
00:35:48
Speaker
i I was just going to ask that, how it is for you, like when you get home and kind of like d decompressing, right? and So you just mentioned you have your... your therapy dog that you take to work and back home, I guess, ah to do for you. And then what other things do you do in order to kind of, because it it is when you're carrying somebody else's grief, it does take your a lot, mainly because you have to be so present, right? You have to be so present in that moment. It does take a lot of energy. So what are the other things that you do for your own?
00:36:21
Speaker
My wife and i um we've had a flurry of different things go on in our lives. And I still remember it was around Christmas time where we were supposed to go to a show.
00:36:34
Speaker
And I called her up and I said, listen, here's what I had today. i want to do nothing but come home and just sit on the couch. The kids were younger. So I said, just tell them I'm coming home and they need to pick out a movie and we're just going to hang out together.
00:36:52
Speaker
So there's huge solace in that. um I find that when Daniel and I can go to a concert. We're big fans of live music, ah rock.
00:37:05
Speaker
Do have your mom's, I was going to say, do you have your mom's eclectic, eclectic stuff? I do, but when it comes to live music, I'm all about rock music. um So it doesn't quite fit in with the suit and tie, but um so I try and change before I go to the rock show. ah But there's that. And then live comedy shows.
00:37:28
Speaker
Danielle and I were just at a Joe Coy comedy show in Boston this past weekend, and it was phenomenal. And not just because we love his line of comedy, but just because we were able to unwind and relax going out. and And I think being with family, as cliche as that may sound, I'm able to unplug a little bit.
00:37:51
Speaker
um And just relax. I mean, cruises was our thing for a while. We did five cruises in two years. And I think that's the mindset that you're on a boat. You can't interrupt to come home from vacation because Mrs. Jones passed and you had a fondness for Mrs. Jones.
00:38:11
Speaker
um As a kid, that did happen. Our vacation was cut short. Dad needed to be at home, so we left Cape Cod to come home um because Mrs. Smith passed.
00:38:23
Speaker
And they were asking for my father, and my father needed to be there. So I think the underlying, any professional and you know could dive in and say, all right, well, you chose that because you're on a boat and you can't come home.
00:38:39
Speaker
but So those are just some of the things that we do to unwind. that's That's so good. Yeah, the things that just relax and and humor, going to comedy, I'm sure is great. And and I'm sure you probably probably even know of people that do dark humor and maybe even with being more true of yourself, I'm sure there's probably some dark humor ah comedians that you might know that...
00:39:05
Speaker
do jokes. Yeah, I kind of shy away from that, truth be told. Too close to home. yeah If I'm going to laugh, I really, I'm, ah you know, i I'd even ah take on, i don't mind being the butt of somebody's joke, and and I have been before, and even that makes me laugh, as kind of bizarre as that sounds, um but just to kind of take a deep breath and and be out of the environment, our association has really try to ensure that the owners um of the funeral homes that are members, that they realize that staff needs to unplug, they need a break. And work-life balance is often used, often too much um without any meat on the bone. I think it's important. And
00:39:56
Speaker
I practice it. I ensure that our staff has time off where they're not being called. um But I also am guilty of not practicing what I preach.
00:40:07
Speaker
So it's those types of things where I need to go and unwind and not be, you know, tied to the business, even though I forever will be.
00:40:18
Speaker
Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. have It's so important that your own mental health and wellbeing in order to be able to help somebody else, you need to be well yourself. Now, as we're starting to wrap up, you mentioned that your organization is just across the United States and some other countries. So if somebody were to, you said membership, so you, if you were to have like wanting to start to plan, you you don't know,
00:40:45
Speaker
where you're going to be living by or die, but living by when you die. um And trying to plan where you're going to be buried is sometimes really hard, right? Especially if you start that process at the age, for example, that I am now or something like that, that you really don't know. So what would you recommend would be the best steps to go by?
00:41:07
Speaker
Right. The biggest things are communicating with your loved ones and those around you. And when I say communicating, i don't necessarily talk about just what you want.
00:41:21
Speaker
um It's important, just as important to share what you don't want. And um so I've had people come in and say, ah dad said he didn't want anything, so we're not gonna do anything.
00:41:36
Speaker
And that goes back to what we talked about a few minutes ago about what an individual wants but the family also needs another component. I'll brief story.
00:41:48
Speaker
Family came in and just did that. Dad was a very private person, didn't want anything, told us don't do anything, just have cremation, no other services.
00:42:00
Speaker
So I said to the people that were making the arrangements, I said, okay. I said, hear me out on this. I said, you have a restaurant locally. They said, yeah, you and your wife are there quite a bit.
00:42:11
Speaker
I said, you know, these are things that I watch you guys in action. You don't have two minutes to spare while you're at work at the restaurant. You're right. So I would recommend that we honor his wishes by not having any services, but I would respectfully tell you that having two hours of visitation for people to come and pay their respects to you is going to help you down the road.
00:42:37
Speaker
It's a way for you to accept what's going on around you. There's the aspect of controlling your own narrative, meaning. You're not gonna have to stop over the next two, three weeks, stop every five, 10 minutes when somebody wants to come up to you at the restaurant to express their condolences.
00:42:57
Speaker
You're doing everything structured at this particular time where all these people can come. Not to say you're not going to have a few stragglers to stop you at the restaurant, but it's important to control when that is.
00:43:10
Speaker
Grief has no boundaries. People are going to break down. I've done it myself. But if you control that narrative and control it in the form of just simply having a couple hours couple hours of visitation, that family was able to ensure that that aspect didn't drag out over the next four to six weeks. So that was a huge help.
00:43:33
Speaker
um Going back to what I said about rememberingalife.com, there's a ton of different tools in that toolbox that can help you map out that list of what I want, versus what I don't want.
00:43:47
Speaker
And again, talking to a funeral professional, there's no harm in calling, making an appointment, having a discussion. I can't tell you the amount of times that I've had a discussion with somebody at their kitchen table, in their home, at their kitchen table, and simply just jotted down things and kept the file here at the funeral home. that individual has told their family All you got to do when something happens to me is pick up the phone and call Dan Ford.
00:44:19
Speaker
He's got everything. And I've had people call me and say, we had this conversation with mom and I didn't want to go any further, but she said you have a file. Yeah, here's the file.
00:44:30
Speaker
Here's what she wants and here's what she doesn't want. And sometimes people take that a step further and pre-fund that. And the great part about that is it alleviates the financial burden very much like any kind of life insurance was, but it's specific to what they wanted.
00:44:47
Speaker
And sometimes funeral homes have guarantees with that and locking in pricing and things of that sort. But the the main thing is going to that rememberingalife.com, taking some of the, using some of the tools out of that toolbox to then ensure that you your needs, wants, and even don't wants, as I mentioned, are spelled out.
00:45:12
Speaker
That is so helpful. Yes, i i I peeked into that website and it's just very complete. Like you said, even those flashcards conversations. There's a lot in there. Yeah, it's a lot. So just kind of like go with something you can go on one day just kind of sono you know snoop around or go with a particular idea in mind.
00:45:31
Speaker
Dan, is there something I have not asked you that you want to make sure that you share with the listeners? No, again, I think it's important do some research. Again, reach out. If you know a funeral director in your community, there is absolutely nothing wrong with having a conversation, even if that conversation was just simply over the phone. um You know, different people have different levels of comfort, and it's so unbelievably important. One of the biggest challenges that our profession faces when somebody comes in to make arrangements for a loved one and i open up the discussion and they say, we have no idea what they would want or don't want.
00:46:16
Speaker
It makes it very difficult for the funeral professional to guide them down whatever the right path may be. And then it's back on the burden of, all right, well, what do you think mom would want? Or Dad, did dad ever mention this? Or is there family grave space?
00:46:34
Speaker
Well, no, there's no family grave space. Okay, well, was was that intentional? Or, you know, I mean, it's very difficult. So communication is is huge.
00:46:44
Speaker
We plan for almost everything in our lives. um This is one other thing that often gets neglected. So it's important to have a conversation.
00:46:56
Speaker
Thank you, Dan. Yes, we kind shy away from planning this be planned.
00:47:04
Speaker
births ah birthday parties, anniversaries, weddings, and we don't plan our funeral.
Sharing Grief and Gratitude Stories
00:47:12
Speaker
but but yeah that Hence why we have these type of platforms in which we could talk about it because it is something that we all will go through. Thank you so much, Dan. And all the websites will be in the show notes. So make sure to click on those and you'll get some more information. Thanks again. This was Dan Ford on the podcast. Thank you, Dan.
00:47:34
Speaker
Thank you.
00:47:36
Speaker
Thank you again so much for choosing to listen today. I hope that you can take away a few nuggets from today's episode that can bring you comfort in your times of grief.
00:47:49
Speaker
If so, it would mean so much to me if you would rate and comment on this episode. And if you feel inspired in some way to share it with someone, who may need to hear this, please do so.
00:48:05
Speaker
Also, if you or someone you know has a story of grief and gratitude that should be shared so that others can be inspired as well, please reach out to me.
00:48:18
Speaker
And thanks once again for tuning in to Grief, Gratitude, and the Gray In Between podcast. Have a beautiful day.