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Redefining Confidence for Teens | The Positively Healthy Mom Podcast with Eric Stenlake
15 Plays3 days ago
Welcome back to another nourishing episode of The Positively Healthy Mom Podcast!
In this empowering conversation, your host Laura Olinger sits down with Coach Eric Stenlake—Teen & Parent Coach and part of the Positively Healthy Coaching team—to redefine what confidence truly means for teens and parents.
Eric shares:
✅ Why confidence isn’t about perfection but self-acceptance
✅ How to help teens shift their inner dialogue and challenge self-criticism
✅ The difference between parents being a provider, protector, or pathway
✅ How parents can model healthy confidence through vulnerability and accountability
✅ Practical tools to slow down, ask better questions, and build confidence one small win at a time
Whether you're raising a teen who struggles with self-esteem, or you're working on your own parenting confidence, this episode is filled with real stories, simple strategies, and powerful mindset shifts to support your family.
🎧 Watch the full episode now: Redefining Confidence with Coach Eric Stenlake
👉 If this episode resonates with you, don’t forget to like, subscribe, and share it with the moms in your circle!
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#PositivelyHealthyMom #RedefiningConfidence #ParentingTeens #TeenSelfEsteem #MindfulParenting #CoachEricStenlake #ParentingSupport #MomSelfCareMatters #PeacefulParenting #ConfidenceIsAProcess
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Transcript
Introduction to Positively Healthy Mom Podcast
00:00:00
Speaker
Welcome to the Positively Healthy Mom podcast, where positive parenting meets wellbeing.
00:00:09
Speaker
Hello and welcome to today's episode of the Positively Healthy Mom. I'm your coast, coast, I'm your coast and host, Laura Olinger, Teen and Parent Wellbeing Coach.
Meet Coach Eric Stenlake
00:00:19
Speaker
And I'm so excited. I have one of my own today, Coach Eric Stenlake from Positively Healthy Coaching. He is part of my team and he takes on a lot of the teenage boys that come to Positively Healthy Coaching. So Coach Eric, say hi to everybody. Hello and welcome everyone. It's so great to be here with you today.
00:00:37
Speaker
Awesome.
Building Confidence in Teenagers
00:00:38
Speaker
Awesome. So today's topic is going to be confidence, building confidence in your teenager. And so let's just start off, Coach Eric, when a client comes to you, and I know you had one recently, and they were kind of struggling with um some challenges, mental challenges, kind of having, you know, you and you can talk more about it, but you really helped this client build confidence. So why don't share a little bit about your process with them?
00:01:06
Speaker
Yeah. So when it comes to young men and their coming of age, if you will, and not having the confidence that they feel, they think they need, ah and the worried parents that are saying, oh my goodness, please help our please help our son because...
00:01:27
Speaker
you know, they're not in a, in a positive place, if you will. And we've got some concerns. So we'll, we'll sit down and we'll begin to look at, okay, well, what's working well right now with your son. And I get that perspective from the parent.
00:01:42
Speaker
And then when I get in to start working with the young man, Then I asked them the same question and and I look at what's mirroring and matching with that. And then I also say, and and we begin talking about, well what would you like to improve upon if you could make some positive changes in your life that you could look and go, man, this is just where I want to be, whether that's academically or athletically or whatever that situation might be.
00:02:14
Speaker
And then we begin to go, okay, let's start putting some action steps in place for them. And it's a beautiful journey of which these young men begin to take the hold of that confidence for themselves.
00:02:30
Speaker
And I help them to empower themselves to be able to move forward in their journey to become more confident. Mm-hmm,
Addressing Physical and Mental Confidence
00:02:41
Speaker
mm-hmm.
00:02:41
Speaker
Yeah, I love that because it really puts kind of the onus on them. You know, it's like they're responsible for their own confidence. Like we as coaches, we can want them to be confident, but at the end of the day, it's not about us or really even what we do other than we serve as the guides to help them find their own confidence.
00:03:01
Speaker
So when did you feel like, has there ever been a time when you know, someone was just stuck and they couldn't, here's what I'm thinking of.
00:03:12
Speaker
I know several boys who they're really so focused on the physical part about their confidence because they see other boys who are super muscular or taller or more athletic, right? And it's on the outside and they're just so stuck in their heads about like, this is what I need need to be. I need to be this way.
00:03:32
Speaker
And how do you like work with that? Yeah, that's a great that's a great question. So ah well individually, I'll look with this young man as to, you know again, the things that they like about themselves.
00:03:45
Speaker
And we begin to start there. and And the things that they're saying I don't like about me, then we'll start unpacking that. And then I'll challenge that thought.
00:03:57
Speaker
Is it true? Because right now you are programming your nervous system to align with what you think and feel about yourself. And if you can 100% tell me, yes, that is true, then we then we'll go in that direction. But if you can honestly look at yourself and go, yeah, well, maybe that's not you know completely true.
00:04:21
Speaker
yeah Then we'll begin to look at, okay, How do we interrupt that pattern? If I am in a situation of which I feel that emotion rise up and I go, oh man, I'm not as strong.
00:04:33
Speaker
I'm not as muscular or I'm not this. Then we'll begin to help them to default to, yeah, that might not be so true in their in their mind.
00:04:44
Speaker
And then what do I know to be true? And let's anchor ourselves into truth. I'm fast. I'm this. I'm that. And we'll get them to start saying those phrases over and over and over again because that's what's going to embed in their nervous system.
00:05:01
Speaker
And that's the truth that they'll begin to see in themselves that, yeah, I might not be able to bench 250 pounds, but I can do this and I can do this really well.
00:05:13
Speaker
Because a lot of times, im matter of fact, I just had this conversation yesterday with a young man.
Unique Abilities vs. Comparisons
00:05:19
Speaker
and And he was like, wow, you know, these this is happening in a weight room. And I go, well, do you need to do that or do they need to do that?
00:05:29
Speaker
Right. Well, they play this specific position in football, so they need to be doing that. Great. What do you need to be doing? Right. Can you do that really well?
00:05:41
Speaker
And so it's a matter of changing that perspective and changing that mindset of them to go, yeah, I can do this. And I'm going to give it my all and be really, really good at it.
00:05:52
Speaker
And now this young man's walking away confident, courageous, capable, ready to take it on. And I'm going to I am going to play that football position to the best of my ability.
00:06:05
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. Which is why I love it. Like when on the NFL, when I see a player who's, you know, not a huge football player, there's lots of guys in the NFL that are five, eight, you know five, seven, five, nine, five, 10.
00:06:17
Speaker
And it's like, okay. Like, so that's what we, I love to do too, is like change, the rules for a teenage boy. Like I don't have to be six feet tall to be a successful athlete. I don't have to be this weight or this bench press or whatever to do this, right? Like you, we do see it's possible. And also to just like change the meaning, like what does that mean that they're those things? Right. And, and so a lot times it's like we expand their thinking and then,
00:06:42
Speaker
like ideally it's like we get some self-acceptance, like, okay, this is who I am. I'm starting to like myself. And um if I get bigger, great. If I don't, I'm still okay with that because I'm still all these awesome things. And the other thing I'm thinking of is I know a couple of boys who, you know, they're a little bit late bloomers. And so they just haven't hit that growth spurt yet.
00:07:01
Speaker
And if yeah if they can build their confidence now, think about how, when they do grow, how great they're going to feel. But it's like, You know, we don't want the confidence just to be based off of because of their height. We want it to be something internal. The external is just like kind of the bonus or cherry on top, right? So if they can get it before, that's like the best case scenario because think how awesome they'll be when they do get to be what they want.
00:07:24
Speaker
Yeah, absolutely. And I love that you brought late bloomers because, i mean, I can honestly say that was me. I came out of high school at 150 pounds. i was I was slim Jim, you know, in that.
00:07:36
Speaker
And then I went off to my freshman year of college when I was playing soccer. I gained 20 pounds my freshman year alone yeah because i was in the weight room. We had controlled understanding of how to lift.
00:07:51
Speaker
for my position and and as a soccer player. And so I had not had that prior. And so, you know, that's why I put on that weight so quickly within that first you year. sure wasn't the first, it wasn't the first one, 15, Eric. Yeah. That metabolism was going a thousand miles an hour. So yeah, I was eating like a horse and yeah i'm sure I'm sure that has something to do with it.
Parents' Role in Modeling Confidence
00:08:15
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it sounds like you had the opposite problem of ah of a lot of the kids.
00:08:20
Speaker
Well, that's cool. So how about like as far as parents, because you and I talk quite a bit about how parents are modeling. So what is your thought about What parents can do or should do as far as like self-reflection about what their own confidence looks like.
00:08:37
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah, I think that if that is such a key, key area because I know as myself as a parent, i we I have three kids and I've made some ah amazing discoveries working with my kids and I've made some huge mistakes.
00:08:55
Speaker
And I think when i look back on that and what I've learned as a parent all these years is to really approach a situation with some delicacy in terms of keeping them at the forefront of the conversation, not me. and And I've learned to really look at my questioning as to what do they need?
00:09:19
Speaker
What do they need from me right now? If I have this concern, is it their concern? Are they concerned about the same thing I'm concerned? Or is this a dad's over protectiveness or, you know, concern that I have?
00:09:35
Speaker
Because as a parent, I'm going to be a provider. I'm going to be a protector or I'm going to be a pathway for them. And depending upon what they need, I can provide that for them.
00:09:47
Speaker
And so when parents go, I'm so worried about my kid. Okay. Are you a provider a protector or a pathway? Okay. And which one of those align to where your child needs to go?
00:10:01
Speaker
You know where they need to go, but do they understand that? Are they in alignment with that? And so sometimes we as parents need to step back a little bit and say, okay, what's what matters most to you?
00:10:15
Speaker
And then you would tell me what you think and feel. Okay, great. What do you need from me in this? How can I best support you in that? Because here's here's a trap that we parents fall into, doing everything for them.
00:10:31
Speaker
yeah And if I do that, then my child is not going to be empowered to explore options, to make decisions for themselves, and to take action on what they need to do to be successful.
00:10:48
Speaker
And so I can unknowingly put up that barrier for their personal growth, which limits the the amount of confidence they're able to build because they're relying on me to do it for them.
00:11:01
Speaker
Yeah. Totally. 100%. 100%. Yeah. And then what about like the idea of, you know, is this the, yeah, and it's kind of like what you're saying, like, is this the parent that wants it or is the teen that wants it? So like, for example, we want our kids to be confident about But my thought is that we also have to be okay when they're not,
Embracing Mistakes in Confidence Building
00:11:30
Speaker
right? And not make them feel bad about it or make them feel shameful and say, you should be this way, you should be this way, right? Because babies are not, well, they might be born kind of confident babies, but once they get that self-awareness, you know, and and they start to feel the the pressure of their social environment, like starting in like fourth, fifth grade when, oh, people are watching me, they're they're judging me, whatever that is, right?
00:11:56
Speaker
we can't just expect them to be perfect. We have to expect that it's a process and we have to expect that they are gonna make mistakes along the way and and be okay with that and not make them feel bad about that. What do you think?
00:12:08
Speaker
Yeah, totally, totally. So so here's where where I think I mentioned a minute ago about the curiousness from a parent perspective. Okay, so what happened in this and getting them to divulge what what transpired that drove that result to to come about.
00:12:25
Speaker
And are are you happy with that result? Are you are you satisfied with that result? Is there something different that you were going for in that? um Are you comfortable in trying again? if you are, what will you do differently to change your outcome?
00:12:43
Speaker
How might that affect how you approach it this time from last time? And then again, going into, okay, what do you need from me? Do you need me to support you? Do you need me to link arms with you? Do you need me to clear the path on anything for you?
00:13:01
Speaker
I'm a provider, protector or pathway. So what do you need from me? How can I best support you? And then sometimes it's just being an accountability person. Can I do you want me to check back with you?
00:13:14
Speaker
If so, when? Today? Tomorrow? Next week? Maybe never? yeah I've had my daughter go, Dad, I do not want to talk about this ever again. i got this. yeah yeah Right?
00:13:25
Speaker
and ah And so what is that telling me? She's confident to go and do it for herself. And then I don't have any expectations on if they're going to do it perfect, which which you just said a minute ago, which is awesome.
00:13:38
Speaker
If I take away those expectations and allow them to try, even if it's little step, they're going to try try try, try, try, try until they master what it is they're going after.
00:13:51
Speaker
Each time they try and move up that ladder, if you will, they're building confidence that they're doing something. They're putting action into into what they're going towards what they want.
00:14:06
Speaker
That's a great way to build little steps of confidence until they look back and go, holy cow, look how far I've come. This is great. yeah And then they have that aha of, wow, I really can do it.
00:14:19
Speaker
Yeah. And then celebrate, like celebrate every little step, right? Because that's where those... When I talk to my clients, I talk about... um I grew up in Midwest and we used to go out and catch fireflies at night and put them in a like a little container, glass jar. And so whenever I talk about celebrating our wins, talk about capturing them and holding onto them. And it's just like fireflies in a jar. So that way they build and they build and they build.
00:14:44
Speaker
And, um you know, it it just... it feels like there's a lot, even if it's just small things in there, right? Like it's just a bunch of small things, but that's how we build things. We can't just expect, you know, room wasn't built in a day type of thing. So what else, like what are your other thoughts as far as if you do have, because i see tons and tons and tons of social anxiety. And so that's like where I specialize in like, you know, building confidence, especially with teenage girls,
00:15:14
Speaker
and you kind of handle more the the guy side. um What do you think as far as building tools with them, like teaching them tools? And I know we've talked about kind of like being curious, kind of accepting them for where they are not making them feel bad about it.
00:15:30
Speaker
Is there anything else that we can talk about today that would help the moms that are listening that just like a little tidbit, like a little nugget that would help them be like, oh, okay, I'm going to try this. I haven't tried that yet. Any ideas? Yeah.
00:15:42
Speaker
Yeah, I would say encourage your child to slow down a little bit and think through the process. Because kids are going a thousand miles an hour and, you know, attention spans are super short and um their their life is like a, you know, scrolling.
00:16:04
Speaker
You know, that has taken, you know, a huge piece of their identity. And so what their how quickly they're thinking going from one thing to the next, they're really not in planning stage stages through the process.
00:16:19
Speaker
And so I would encourage you parents to help your child to slow down a little bit and through the process and look at the outcome where they are and then what steps might they begin to take to get there.
00:16:35
Speaker
and help them work through that process together. Not only is it going to help you guys bond, but it's going to help give them the tools on completion.
00:16:47
Speaker
It's going to give them that opportunity to do little things along the way. and And like I said a minute ago, that's that's how we build confidence over time.
00:16:59
Speaker
Let's take take the athletes, right? If I get so... Absolutely devastated because I made one little mistake at practice or one little mistake in the game.
00:17:11
Speaker
That is a second or two of time. You lost the ball, big deal. you Somebody else is going to get it, and then all of a sudden we got it back again. It's not a big deal. we're gonna we're you know We're not going to hit the end zone on every play.
00:17:27
Speaker
We got to take it a little bit at a time. And then that is what helps to build that confidence. And so tools is really getting your kids to to help them to slow down and and think.
00:17:41
Speaker
ah And then being that accountability partner and checking in with them to see how it's going. That support provides a lot. Not that you're telling them what to do.
00:17:53
Speaker
You're asking them what they're doing. And if you're happy and satisfied with what is going on and what's happening. Because you're allowing them to explain what they're doing.
00:18:05
Speaker
Yes, I'm happy or no, I'm not. And if they say no, are you going to change anything differently? are you going to differently now what what are you going to do differently from now And okay, well, I'm going to try this next. Cool.
00:18:19
Speaker
Sounds awesome. Do you need anything for me? No. Okay, cool. I'll check back with you later. See how you did. Because I'll be curious to see if you were able to solve that. Right. like I think that's when we really begin to get our kids to be empowered and have the confidence to be empowered.
00:18:40
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah, and so much better for them to learn this now, but assuming, you know, well, obviously we're talking about teenagers, so they're still living with you. But I mean, before, right, they go out into the world. So like, you know, kind of completing those projects and understanding the steps so that then they do have the confidence to whatever is after high school for them, whether it's college or or something else, um so that they can sort thrive and survive on their own and then be adults and be productive. So it's like confidence is super important. Like it's not just, oh, I go to a party and I feel good, right? It's all the things. It's all the parts of life. Like almost every facet of life takes some level of confidence.
00:19:19
Speaker
And the one thing I was thinking of too is also just like how the parents model confidence.
Self-awareness in Parenting Confidence
00:19:27
Speaker
So um you know, even from from the women's perspective, like women talking about their bodies, there's lots of moms, you know, that even though we know so much better now, they're still kind of like how to have it, kind of trash talking themselves in front of their kids. So kind of like having that awareness with that and then having the awareness, that self-awareness of whether a mom or dad is going into any, you know, whether it's an outward environment or inward environment, but just like how they're portraying their own confidence.
00:19:56
Speaker
So, um you know, I can think of examples where parents are, you know, I just gave one, but I'm i'm sure you have one where parents are kind of beating themselves up or they're nervous or worried about something.
00:20:07
Speaker
And so it's like, how can we A, have that reflection, but then have some resilience? So even if we did like accidentally say something, oh, what? You know, what if we say, oh, I'm being so hard on myself today, right? Like if we say it, like we recognized, oh, we said something that we shouldn't have said, now we say it. Or, you know, I don't know, what examples come to your head?
00:20:27
Speaker
Yeah, I definitely will will do this ah naturally and also intentionally. yeah Whereas something will happen, I will say something, yeah oh my gosh, I'm so stupid, that was so dumb, I can't believe it did that, i'm such a um such an idiot.
00:20:45
Speaker
who and i will And then out loud I'll say, is that true? no it's not. Don't be such a goofball. You just need to do this. And, you know, they're little sponges. So they're going to hear and going to listen.
00:21:02
Speaker
If yeah I do something or say something to my kids, I will go back and apologize. Say, hey, you know what? little bit ago, I said something and it's not sitting right with me. I just want to apologize because I don't know if that hurt your feelings at all.
00:21:15
Speaker
yeah That's not really what I meant. I was super frustrated. and and so I just, I said that outright, but I just want you to know that wasn't directed at you. i am frustrated about something with me today. So I just want to clear that up and just so you know, I'm not mad at you.
00:21:32
Speaker
a Yeah. Great way for them to see our vulnerability, to see us taking charge of our emotions and feelings to be in a place where we're building confidence within us that I can keep going and keep trying, even if I make a mistake and I fail.
00:21:50
Speaker
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah, i really I really like that. And then also, while we're at it, like, what if we redefine what confidence even is, right? And so what if, you know, everybody thinks confidence is like, oh, I think I'm amazing all the time in every situation, in every scenario.
00:22:10
Speaker
It's like, no, that's not really what confidence is. Like, what confidence is, in my opinion, and then I'll get your opinion, confidence.
Redefining Confidence as Self-acceptance
00:22:19
Speaker
almost even the opposite, like going into a situation that we think is going to be hard and being okay with where we're at.
00:22:27
Speaker
Kind of like that level of self-acceptance, like, you know, for the, the teen boy who hasn't grown yet, you know, I'm okay that I'm five feet tall. I'm okay with this, right? Like kind of being, I'm okay with this instead of saying I have to be this, right?
00:22:40
Speaker
Um, I remember, and here's why i was thinking of like all examples. And I told my daughter recently, cause she said, oh, I'm so afraid of that person. And I said, well, I'm not afraid of anybody, you know, and just kind of silly. And she's like, you're not, no.
00:22:55
Speaker
And then kind of some time went by and I i said something, i was going to meet somebody and I'm like, man, I'm so nervous to go meet this person. And she called me out on it. She goes, I thought you're not afraid of anybody.
00:23:07
Speaker
That's great. Yeah. Like I did say that you're right. And here's the difference is I am nervous to meet this person. It's a really big deal that I'm about to meet this person. And I know that I'm going to be okay.
00:23:19
Speaker
And I know that I can do it. And I believe in myself and I can get through this situation. Right. So it's like, it's not that it has to be perfect. It's just that we are okay with that. What do you think? Yeah.
00:23:30
Speaker
Yeah, absolutely.
Empowerment Through Personal Choices
00:23:31
Speaker
I think my my both all three of my kids have have experienced that, um you know, they've they've gotten into a situation where they didn't think it was what they expected, hoped for. and We're talking about employment.
00:23:46
Speaker
i You know, my daughter texted me and she's like, this job is not going to work out for me. And I'm like, okay, well, what's not working out for you? And I wanted to her to define that.
00:23:56
Speaker
So she said that, and and this was over text, and she she's like, this isn't gonna this I don't like this and this and this and this and this. Is it something that you don't like or this isn't acceptable to you?
00:24:08
Speaker
Because there's a difference. And she's like, no, this isn't acceptable. Okay, so if you're not going to accept that because you've got a manager that's doing this or a supervisor that's doing this, and that makes you uncomfortable, totally get that and support you.
00:24:25
Speaker
If it's a new task you're trying to do that you're having trouble with, and you just want to up and run from it, I'm going to encourage you to stay with it and ask for help.
00:24:36
Speaker
a Yeah. So this is where the empowerment piece comes in. he Right. until its Until it gets to that place of which you are right. This is doesn't sound like it's a good fit for you.
00:24:50
Speaker
and and and I said, congratulations for figuring that out. Awesome. Awesome. Good. Great dad moment. Pat yourself on the back, Coach Eric. Love it.
00:25:01
Speaker
Love it. um Okay. Well, I feel like we've we've done a great job and... um yeah Is there anything else before we close out that you feel like we need to add? Because as we're talking, I always title my podcast episodes like during the episode. I'm thinking, ooh, this is what I'm going to call it.
00:25:22
Speaker
And I think this episode will be calling Redefining Confidence. I think that's what I want to do with this. So kind of on that note, is there any other way you would think about as far as redefining confidence?
Patience in the Confidence Journey
00:25:35
Speaker
Yeah. Be patient, parents, with yourself and with your kids and allow the time to process through the the the tools that we have said during this podcast, the process that we've said during during this podcast.
00:25:52
Speaker
Don't expect to get it right because you're going to make mistakes. That's life. But just like you're going to make a mistakes, so your kids are going to make mistakes. and the and And the faster you can come to the realization and understanding of that, the faster you come together and then can build that confidence as individuals and as a family to tackle anything that comes your way.
00:26:17
Speaker
a I think that was perfect because even just having the support of family in itself is builds confidence because if all else fails, at least you still have your family, right?
00:26:30
Speaker
Like they're there they to love, support you and accept you. And um you know, our parents, we should be the safety net for our kids. So I think that was beautifully said.
Contact Information for Coaching Services
00:26:41
Speaker
Okay, so that being said, if anybody wants to hire Coach Eric as a coach for their son, or I mean, not that he's only boys and I'm only girls, I do boys as well, he does girls as well. But um if you feel drawn to Coach Eric for your son, definitely DM me, Coach Eric, reach out to me and I will send you a link to his calendar so you can get a consultation discovery call with ah Coach Eric. So thank you so much for your time today, Coach Eric, and I will see soon.