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Everything Action Commentary: Jupiter Ascending (2015)
16 Plays1 day ago
For the latest Everything Action Commentary, Zach and Chris go intergalactic with 2015's Jupiter Ascending, which celebrated its 10th anniversary.
Mila Kunis stars as Jupiter Jones, who discovers she's intergalactic royalty and the owner of Earth. The squabbling Abrasax siblings try to manipulate or kill Jupiter to get Earth under their control, but luckily for Jupiter, she has a protector in Caine Wise (Channing Tatum), a genetically modified half-human/half-canine soldier. While watching the movie, Zach and Chris talk about Eddie Redmayne's post-Oscars scenery chomping, the movie turning into Brazil for a sequence, the multiple climaxes, space rollerblades, and more.
You can watch Jupiter Ascending on Max and sync it up with our commentary track to watch along with the Everything Action crew.
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Transcript
Introduction & Movie Setup
00:00:23
Speaker
Hello and welcome to another Everything in Action Commentary. It's a commentary for February 2025. I'm your host Zach. I'm your co-host Chris. And this month we are watching Jupiter Ascending, the 2015 Wachowski space opera, because it's celebrating its 10th anniversary. It came out in February 2015. And yeah, and also Chris, you've never seen this movie, right?
00:00:45
Speaker
have not. Oh boy. it was on my like, one day I'll watch it to like say I did, but. There have been other contenders to distract. um But, yeah, like, all I know is Eddie Redmayne's in this, and it pretty much steals the last act of the movie. He's in it throughout. This is, like, post-Oscar nomination. Like, he got an Oscar nomination for The Theory of Everything, and then this is the next movie he was in after this, and he was just, like, devouring scenery.
00:01:15
Speaker
This where it's just like, wow, he's using that Oscar win for the Oscar nomination. Yeah.
00:01:22
Speaker
I think out of everyone, this movie hurt Shane Tatum.
00:01:26
Speaker
Um, maybe. Because, like, Melee Kunis had Family Guy still. Redmayne was other things, but think right after this, Shane Tatum did, like, White House Down.
00:01:40
Speaker
Oh, trying to be, like ah like, a serious, like, action star or something?
Plot & Sci-Fi Elements Discussion
00:01:43
Speaker
Yeah, yeah. This was like, hey, he's a good romance action star role. And it's like, eh, alright, well, about the next one? And it's just like, nope.
00:01:52
Speaker
And then then i think it came back again from 22 Jump Street. This is after White House Down. and Oh my god. So it was... yeah After 22 Jump Street, so he did Jupiter Ascending, but then he was in Magic Mike XXL, and then Hateful Eight, and then Hail Caesar. I mean, he recovered quite a bit after afterwards, but yeah. He's like, he's like I'm a serious action star. Stuff did not really work out that great. G.I. Joe Retaliation...
00:02:23
Speaker
White House Down this. Well, The Retaliation, he's barely in that. Oh, yeah. well i mean the but And then like the first G.I. Joe, too. That was i was like like six years before this movie.
00:02:36
Speaker
But yeah, he's a... We'll find out soon, but he's a half-human... I think he's human-dog hybrid or something. and Which is is one of the many insane things that are part of the lore of and the universe of Jupiter Ascending.
00:02:53
Speaker
We got yeah space bureaucracies, there's people who are bees, there's people who... like but It's the who owns what planets.
00:03:02
Speaker
it's very it's very It's very Dune, as well I think. like There's like and like there's like these like bickering houses and stuff, bickering families that own different planets, and there's resources on different planets.
00:03:18
Speaker
But ah let's let's jump in So it's on it's on Max. You can watch it on Max or you can watch it ah yeah if you happen to have, like I don't know, ah a physical copy of it somehow. or um But however you're watching it, we're right before the Water Bears logo comes up. So pause it right before there.
00:03:35
Speaker
And I'll give a countdown and we'll get started here. So five, four, three, two, one, two one play
00:03:55
Speaker
o look at this fancy logo that's been checked out. Was that the Harry Potter theme? Or there's like the but warers was they using the Harry Potter theme for like their logo for a little bit? Or is it just like G-Persending theme is just like ripping off Harry Potter?
00:04:11
Speaker
Very familiar with it, right? da da da da da da da yeah but they're See, they're adding those little finishes to the every every logo as if this was going to be some sort of Space Star Wars epic.
00:04:24
Speaker
this i mean this is the wohowskis like This is their Star Wars, basically. they're trying It's their big space opera.
00:04:30
Speaker
Wow, this movie comes straight out of the gate saying, I'm an alien.
Storytelling & Character Critique
00:04:33
Speaker
Yep.
00:05:05
Speaker
Yeah, because you fell in love with a guy who basically had no jacket hanging out by the water. yeah
00:05:47
Speaker
So is this based on a comic? No, I think this is completely from the mind of the Chowskis. Wow.
00:06:04
Speaker
Yeah, and we'll ah we'll get to it. Milikus' character is characters named Jupiter Jones. KGB!
00:06:13
Speaker
Are they the KGB? KGB! are they the kgv
00:06:19
Speaker
Oh, no, it's the mob. Wait, gangster? It's like the Russian mob? They're bothering, like, an astrophysicist? Yeah. What did the mom what does a mom do? but is Was she, like, a gangster or something?
00:06:42
Speaker
This is super not explained. i don't understand what's Get used that feeling, Chris. What? Like, I feel like this is... they mu they' If they started in the beginning where she was hassled or that he was hassled by the Russian mob yeah first... They're just like, where's the money? They kill him, and that's it.
00:07:01
Speaker
Yeah, yeah. and Another emigrating, like, 1920s. Not to spoil this so much, but, like, do they ever explain that? I don't think so. Wow! And also, it's also, this is like, feels like the 1800s, but this is like the And they're, like, on, like, a cargo ship?
00:07:19
Speaker
No, no, that's that's accurate. that That still happened a lot in the 80s, man. You just didn't have to deal with that. But yeah, Schubert was born in international waters, so she has no country.
00:07:52
Speaker
So we're not going to mention the whole, like, guys you barge in, shoot the dead, just whatever. And then the mom left because of that? Or what?
00:08:05
Speaker
I don't think they ever mentioned that again. wow i it's just It was just a reason to get them out of Russia. You can literally start the movie here without explaining that. we just I'm going distracted by that. Or just be like your father died of cancer or something. Like, you're just being, like, gunned down by the Russian mob.
00:08:24
Speaker
Are we even sure that the Russian but I don't even know. yeah they well, they said, the where's our money? is that's like But i but the KGB might be extraordinary for money. Who knows?
Character Dynamics & Performance Analysis
00:08:33
Speaker
Maybe they're aliens. Maybe they're part of whatever sci-fi thing's happening.
00:08:40
Speaker
Jupiter Ascending. Wouldn't the title screen make sense if it was ascending up, not just rotating? If, like, Milakusa was, like, going in an elevator or something?
00:08:51
Speaker
But get it? Her name's Jupiter, and it's called Jupiter Ascending.
00:09:02
Speaker
Meanwhile, Titan... Yeah.
00:09:25
Speaker
I'm confused by the word humane when aliens say it because they don't they're not humans. So humane is not a great like use of that.
00:09:42
Speaker
Eddie Ridd made this movie. He's either like whispering or he's yelling at the top of his lungs.
00:09:49
Speaker
they Do they explain why they look like young old people? I think that's part of it, yeah. like They explain like there's like a reason. Okay.
00:10:01
Speaker
Because he talks like an old man, looks pretty young in the face, and then his hairline is saying that he's supposed to be in his 40s. Like, it's confusing.
00:10:32
Speaker
Wait, what's his relation to all these people? they're all They're all siblings.
00:10:39
Speaker
Well, the younger brother definitely has a thing for his sister.
Narrative Structure & Visuals
00:10:58
Speaker
Yeah, so Eddie Redmayne owns Earth. Yeah. they all They all own like certain plant they all um like a bunch of planets.
00:11:07
Speaker
They're terrible landlords.
00:11:11
Speaker
Because who owned this planet?
00:11:15
Speaker
They annihilated all of the living things and then they're just like walking amongst the ruins? For fun?
00:11:38
Speaker
Is that the aunt? I think so, yeah. Or the mom. aunt great because she's like the same.
00:11:46
Speaker
The mom is like a whole new character. I don't think that's the mom. i don't i don't know what the mom is. I love how she has Jupiter things out of her wall just to like enhance the fact that her name is Jupiter.
00:11:59
Speaker
but what? She had like a but she had like a giant Jupiter poster on her wall just like be like, hey, my name's Jupiter. I love Jupiter. Wow. Wow. Get it?
00:12:38
Speaker
Looks like a cosplayer got lost.
00:13:07
Speaker
All the the characters from The Matrix are bursting in this movie now. oh So, the thing is, this is paced like an anime, where you'll just... The story and introduction is told through other characters seeing shit, and then you gotta piece together everything.
00:13:28
Speaker
I mean, that tracks with the Chowskis. They love anime, so...
00:13:41
Speaker
Man, I'm already okay about this, like, Asian Ramona flowers.
00:14:01
Speaker
You're just super smelling.
00:14:09
Speaker
How oily was that woman where, I don't know how long ago she wrote her signature on that paper, but he was able to sniff it? Yeah. Or is that just part of Channing Tatum's dog powers? He could smell and remember things, or see things.
00:14:26
Speaker
Yeah, but the transfer and the oil that's on that paper from the human skin. Yeah.
00:14:37
Speaker
Like, I get clothing. Someone wears clothing and you tell a dog to track the scent. But not when, like, someone writing a signature that's maybe, like, two seconds?
00:14:48
Speaker
Two seconds of transfer? Mm-hmm.
00:14:55
Speaker
Oh, man, future rollerblades. That's how you know he's cool. They're trying bring back rollerblading things. It's 2015.
00:15:09
Speaker
Well, this 2014, right? It came out with 2015, because we're still having the 10th anniversary of it, so...
00:15:20
Speaker
I forgot he has blonde hair!
00:15:25
Speaker
kind of looks like a werewolf like ah what where was eminem
00:15:33
Speaker
I think we'll see in a little bit, too, but he had to wear a mouth thing to change like his bottom jaw, and so he can't close his mouth at all.
00:15:45
Speaker
they gave him a naranthal? He had to wear a mouth guard. When your jaw, your bottom jaw is bigger than your top row of teeth, it's like a naranthal? Yeah.
00:15:59
Speaker
Almost like a Frankenstein like look to your mouth. Yeah, they're trying to make trying to make him look more like a like it's like try to make them look more canine. and Okay, there there's an here.
00:16:16
Speaker
does i even get pointed out
00:16:21
Speaker
I feel like the Wachowskis have like a binder full of lore that it makes sense to them. like They have like all this backstory for everybody, but then it's not really in the movie. There's some concepts that aren't bad. like Honestly, on paper right now, from what I've seen, isn't bad. But it's so goddamn rushed that you have no time to take it all in without just being like just like bombarded by like too much overload. like Look at this! There's an Event Horizon happening!
00:16:54
Speaker
Is it controlled in the pool?
00:17:01
Speaker
Like a solar sailor. a dragon man. Yeah. yeah but We're not even going to focus on on that yet. Yeah, just keep dropping this insanity.
00:17:21
Speaker
it kind of feels like the Wachowski's head, like, you know, like, Warner Bros. gave them a blank check of the Matrix trilogy, and this is, like, the last movie they had to, like, cash in on anything, so it's just, like, everything they possibly wanted, we're throwing in here.............
Comparisons & Potential as a Franchise
00:18:48
Speaker
Why do I think I've seen this actress before?
00:19:00
Speaker
Oh, it's Finesse Kirby. okay. Wow. seems our Our future Sue Storm. but She looks a little different in this, right? feel like this had to be one of her first movies, because she's barely a character in this movie.
00:19:29
Speaker
Also, I'm not liking her like American accent. It's just weird.
00:19:36
Speaker
hope she's improved it since the new Fantastic Four.
00:19:45
Speaker
Look, she's getting her powers now. cause She's getting constant powers. She's an invisible girl. they're just gray aliens. That was just...
00:20:17
Speaker
This got neuralized.
00:20:21
Speaker
Will Spitzka show up? Yeah, I would have loved at the end of this movie, it secretly isn't Men in Black, like 2.5 movie.
00:20:32
Speaker
Wasn't Shane Tame in one of those, like he had a cameo or something in one of them Men Blacks, I feel like?
00:20:38
Speaker
Probably International. i don't I haven't seen International a long time. About like once.
00:20:46
Speaker
Oh, no, I guess not. feels like something that would have happened, though. Remember when they were talking about the 21 Jump Street Men in Black crossover? I wish I could help fund that movie.
00:21:38
Speaker
You'll let me say a bunch of sexy shit to your family and yes we have good dinner, yeah? shut up shut up Shut up, Meg. Yeah, it's the Russian Peter Griffin over there.
00:22:31
Speaker
What are they doing? Did I miss something about this plan that they're doing? No, they haven't met you. Oh my God. This movie has insane, like, plotting. yeah yeah Yeah, plotting. It's just like, why did the father get killed? Why did he get Bruce Wayne? i don't know. or like, Thomas Wayne?
00:22:53
Speaker
Mm-hmm.
00:23:00
Speaker
Okay, they're trying to take her eggs. She's going to sell her eggs. yeah
00:23:10
Speaker
so like Everyone's bad at math. like She's not trying to get more money. She's to spend all her egg money on a telescope.
00:23:23
Speaker
yeah Which I guess is the same telescope as her father had, which is you know meaningful, but there's probably better ways to spend $5,000 or whatever it is.
00:23:32
Speaker
and She doesn't know how to save. No one has an idea of like good investments, I guess. And she's using her friend's name, too.
00:23:46
Speaker
Her friend that she actually works for to clean her like bathroom and stuff................
00:24:12
Speaker
This is standard egg harvesting procedure. Just relax. We just put the floaters on you. It's fine.
00:24:26
Speaker
Are these the greys? Yeah, I think these are the greys in human form.
00:24:31
Speaker
Yep.
00:24:34
Speaker
Hologram
Complexity & Execution Critique
00:24:35
Speaker
form.
00:24:47
Speaker
So, is this movie meant for the 20-year-old who grew out of Twilight and needed another cross-lovers? It kind of has a little bit of that vibe, yeah.
00:25:01
Speaker
Because your action sequence is not really focused. It's cool things, I'll give it that. like I don't mind Shane and Tannen flipping around and doing the space things. But it's it's done so hastily.
00:25:14
Speaker
You know what I mean? Like, look look at this. What going about just happened? He did this action sequence, and then it, like, cuts away to the next thing. There's no time to follow that.
00:25:29
Speaker
Yeah, go from, like, this, like, fertility clinic like, space orgy. It was Joe G's space orgy. news.
00:25:53
Speaker
Yeah, this movie's secretly like a fetish movie. Everyone's got animal things. This is how like a furry community would want the, like not the full-on committed furry, but the animal hiberding.
00:26:12
Speaker
Oh, I forgot. I forgot Chaycham's trying to do some sort of weird accent.
00:26:40
Speaker
super out there.
00:27:42
Speaker
very very Twilight he's very Jacob of Twilight yep this is the Twilight fandom that is getting out of control or like or like one of those like weird like they weird like spin-off like ah or like knock-offs like Beastly or whatever like
00:28:26
Speaker
This is cut like a cartoon for the pirate episode. Like, it's it's so rushed. Yep.
00:28:43
Speaker
Oh, you're right. Whispers and screams. Destroy a thing that goes the planet. GAAAGH!
00:28:59
Speaker
They the force.
00:29:36
Speaker
So I kind of forgot this is a Chicago movie. I should have. Well, next time I go to Chicago, just ask like, hey, this is where they filmed Jupiter Ascending? Yeah. I feel like Chicago was kind of like a big like there's bunch of movies like filmed there for like a couple years there.
00:29:50
Speaker
It was like Dark of the Moon. Yeah.
00:29:55
Speaker
think Office Party.
00:29:58
Speaker
That Christmas party movie. Mm hmm.
00:30:33
Speaker
I do love that he has to actually like skate. Yeah, you just can't let it like... potion blast you. You have to move your legs.
00:30:43
Speaker
But, see, it changes between boot riding and then like what looks like a hoverboard. Oh, like a hoverboard. Yeah.
00:30:52
Speaker
Well, he's grinding.
00:31:00
Speaker
You know, I do admit, the visual some of the visual shots for 10 years don't look that bad. No, you can see the money's on the screen. I think this movie cost almost $200 million. dollars
00:31:14
Speaker
Now, do you think they dangled anyone from a wire for half of this? Oh, I think that yeah think they that's how they filmed this. I think I was reading... Let me just check. I think it was like the... It took like six weeks to film this scene or something.
00:31:28
Speaker
Wow. Oh, six months. Okay. Wow. Look, they're going through every shot from every other movie. The other shot was from Batman, Dark Knight. This is from Spider-Man.
00:31:39
Speaker
It's like yeah the entire city of Chicago. Yeah, but it's funny because I've seen so many other superhero movies that take place in this area. And I've been here. I've been on there.
00:31:50
Speaker
And it's like, yeah, they're all within like three blocks of each other.
00:32:04
Speaker
See, Chicago is made up of like three islands, and that's why you have cross the bridge to get to the other part.
00:32:10
Speaker
I really just hang out on the main island. Or like the ah lower, like south side, and and then like the center. It's like Boston.
00:32:28
Speaker
And all the times we've been to Boston, Zach, you ever been to the north side where like Harvard is and MIT? I don't think so, no. It's not as Torsi. It's same thing why, like, everything is filmed in Chicago is the center and south side.
00:32:53
Speaker
So that gray alien injected... Just a threat of violence. It's like, I'm out of here. Yeah, and did he even have, like, a parachute?
00:33:04
Speaker
Or like an ability to fly? don't know. He's just like, ah lived a good life. um
00:33:32
Speaker
I do like the but ships are able to transform. And they look like lobsters.
00:33:40
Speaker
And it's like, how do you explain that? It's like, oh, it's space technology. and you're like, all right, just roll with it. Nanobots. So it's nanobots.
00:33:58
Speaker
there There are so many, like, just casual, like, Millions of people are dying like thousands of people are dying in Chicago right now. Well, maybe it's the nighttime so no one's in the buildings. Like the office buildings? still Yeah.
00:34:11
Speaker
i mean, they blew up a bunch of cars. there's much At least a couple people are... Like, dozens of people are dead from the and the car explosions.
Franchise Speculation & Creative Merits
00:34:50
Speaker
You know, I'm surprised we didn't get like a Jupiter Ascending ride. Something at 6.5 to experience the Battle of Chicago. think there's a Warner Bros. Park in Australia, maybe? It's like all it's it's just Warner Bros. stuff?
00:35:12
Speaker
Yeah, like like the like the Transformers ride, like the Spider-Man ride. It's it's like this scene from Jupiter Ascending. You're just flying around Chicago. ummer ride is like this the bat The Transformers ride is a bonkers like time capsule of the Michael Bay movies.
00:35:29
Speaker
I recommend it if you've ever been on it. Yeah, I've been on it. When I went there Universal a year ago, there was like no line, so I was able to ride that twice.
00:36:11
Speaker
So so they are they're just straight up men black people.
00:36:19
Speaker
So... In order to manage this planet, they have to have like a B team of people that live among humans that have to manage house cleaning?
00:36:31
Speaker
Yeah, I guess the Greys are just like a stealthy stealth force on the planet covering everything up.
00:36:42
Speaker
But they're not good at it because... Like, yeah, they got this. this thing?
00:36:58
Speaker
Why are we watching this again? Okay. Because Eddie Redmayne's watching it.
00:37:05
Speaker
So how is there recording of this? Yeah. Who recorded this?
00:37:17
Speaker
Can you wait for the future when they make movies where we could watch holograms of it? Like, like, wall do it yeah, I kind of want to see that. Like, I want to see if someone makes this technology of plays that you can just like project in your home and then just like walk around, eat a sandwich, like watch it from different angles.
00:37:35
Speaker
hmm.
00:37:54
Speaker
The track says Mr. Skellington. Oh, I had to put it the subtitles to see how that was like like pronounced. Put a T. To Skelligan.
00:38:07
Speaker
Skelligan? Yeah, but the it's like T-S-K.
00:38:13
Speaker
They can just code Skeleton and been fine, but it's like, let's make it more fancy and... It's gotta be sci-fi. Well, it's a little bit European sounding. Mm-hmm.
00:38:41
Speaker
ha I get it. Because they're sticky. And i' absorb it.
Conclusion & Listener Directions
00:39:11
Speaker
But I've only done this twice. I'm that good. I'm also really good at breakdancing.
00:39:39
Speaker
So, do we ever revisit her family?
00:39:44
Speaker
I can't remember, but I want to say no. Wow, we're just abandoning that B-plot. It's like... There's no time, Crit! There's no time! Yeah, they just... Plot shows up, plot exits out. Not even exits, just, like, leaves.
00:40:00
Speaker
Oh, wait! I forgot he was in this! Sean Bede, baby!
00:40:11
Speaker
he Part B?
00:40:13
Speaker
Yes, his name is Stinger. So you know he's Part B.
00:40:32
Speaker
This is like Ultimate Sean Bean. His accent is like totally on his plane.
00:40:38
Speaker
Yeah, he's not acting American or anything. Just... That's why sounds like real life.
00:40:56
Speaker
Sup sup. ah you've got a crazy name too. Cool.
00:41:15
Speaker
NOT THE BEES! Uh she's gonna get, uh, my girl-ed.
00:41:26
Speaker
Oh, she's a Disney princess!
00:41:48
Speaker
So has she never like encountered insect pees? Or bees?
00:41:54
Speaker
don't think these are space bees, right? I think these are just regular bees.
00:42:01
Speaker
Beads?
00:42:26
Speaker
He's like Rocky Raccoon.
00:42:52
Speaker
And it also, like, it stapled and healed him. Yeah.
00:43:33
Speaker
This movie definitely started with like this concept. The like, what galaxies were looking at bees. Yeah. And then like, I wonder how they know that. And then they're like, oh, we should make a bee movie.
00:43:46
Speaker
they're like, no, that's called a bee movie. It exists already. i feel like this is when like the whole bees are disappearing thing was happening. Yeah.
00:43:56
Speaker
They didn't disappear. They went back to Jupiter. Yes. They're aliens.
00:44:13
Speaker
What is the recurrence? Yeah. I
00:44:23
Speaker
think Dark Souls.
00:44:27
Speaker
Was that... That was 2015? It's Dark Souls, like, 2......................
00:44:57
Speaker
Not just trying to kill me. It's fine. and
00:45:12
Speaker
Jupiter's schedule. ah fire
00:45:29
Speaker
and There's just too much like subplot between the main stuff. Again, this makes sense in a comic or a cartoon, but when this movie only has a two-hour run time... definitely feels like there's lot enough stuff for like a TV show. If they made like a I don't know where streaming was at this time. We weren't in the everyone buying streaming stuff. I think it was just Netflix and Amazon at this point.
00:45:56
Speaker
Hulu was around, but it wasn't as strong. Hulu originals weren't a thing yet. Like a bigger thing.............
00:46:33
Speaker
Oh, he's an albino. He's an albino, half human, half wolf, alien. Yeah.
00:46:42
Speaker
That's been genetically modified. He needs his pack.
00:47:43
Speaker
Super hearing.
00:47:54
Speaker
They really look more like elf ears than dog ears. Like they were floppier, Or like John Candy in Spaceballs. Yes.
00:48:05
Speaker
That would have been like adorably cute. They should have done something with nose too. Like his nose should have been more like a dog nose. Like a snout. Mm-hmm.
00:48:36
Speaker
Wow, we're just going straight into it? Well, here you go. You want an exposition dump, Jupiter? Here you go. Alright, let me tell you about the but planetary ruling and the families and then how we govern this world.
00:48:52
Speaker
welcome Welcome to my exposition office.
00:49:25
Speaker
Wait, so... they They did the dinosaur thing because they had to clear the dinosaurs that came before? think... Did Sean mean to say there was a dinosaur that was rising up, leading on to another dinosaur something? That was going to be too powerful?
00:49:47
Speaker
We had to kill them. they They're becoming ah it was extreme dinosaurs. yeah like Were they inventing rocket ships? Okay, it's a dinosaur. Whatever. You have like Mr. Skeleton. like They're reptile things.
00:50:17
Speaker
So they're they're basically, but it's basically the Eternals, right? Yeah, this is the same plot as the Eternals. Except except it's it's not it's not a Celestials gonna burst out of the planet, it's they harvest all the people on the planet for whatever space goo.
00:50:38
Speaker
I see. So, I think just movies that have to do with planet harvesting just don't do well.
00:50:50
Speaker
Well, see, that's the difference between the internals and endgame is that Thanos' plan is let's just reduce the count. So that's just mass like reduction, where yeah harvesting from the same concept of whatever the ah population grows with certain limit ah isn't the same.
00:51:09
Speaker
And it's less popular.
00:51:21
Speaker
Not the Bays!
00:51:28
Speaker
Okay, who are these Aussie... They're not... They're like four new people to that group that we saw before.
00:51:37
Speaker
It's Mad Max, like, cybernetic goons. They're from the planet Aussie. That was just science.
00:51:52
Speaker
Is science part of the maybe a Jupiter Ascending story? This is how we get crop circles.
00:52:54
Speaker
I thought they were with the group. i There's so many like people in this one thing that was a little confused.
00:53:07
Speaker
Yeah, I think this's also like this this is one of the rare movies where Sean Bean survives.
00:53:21
Speaker
Was Shadyam just, like, hanging outside the ship while he went into, like, hyperspace? he He apparently got in the same way as, like, getting onto a plane, like, landing gear. Like, landing gear, yeah.
00:53:56
Speaker
So it's organ harvesting, in a way.
00:54:09
Speaker
Welcome to Ringed Earth.
00:54:16
Speaker
Titan... DC.
00:54:36
Speaker
I was wondering, is this one of those, like, see Jupiter ascending in 3D movies? Man, was 3D still a thing in 2015? I can't remember. lasted until, like, 2018.
00:54:48
Speaker
Because Avatar was 2010, right? That like, the big, like, surge? 2009? Yeah. Oh, was IMAX 3D, so...
00:54:54
Speaker
that was like the big likeur twenty i mean doesn't twist nine yeah oh it was it was imax three d so yeah See, imagine if I was on some, like, mind-altering substance. I would be, like, all about it. Like, whoa, whoa, but... I'm just on, like, sinus meds, and I'm like, huh.
00:55:18
Speaker
Not as trippy as I think this should be.
00:55:25
Speaker
Okay, do they explain how she is, like, like a queen a royalty yet? Not yet. I think they eventually do, maybe. Okay.
00:55:38
Speaker
just want to check.
00:55:53
Speaker
Oh, think your explanation's right now, Chris. Oh, boy.
00:55:59
Speaker
You're like Amidala. Yeah, you're and we're going explain this Candlelight ah concert.
00:56:50
Speaker
Does she know what a vampire is? Yeah.
00:57:00
Speaker
So they're humanoid.
00:57:03
Speaker
Oh, never ask a woman her age.
00:57:54
Speaker
So, wait, does that mean her like Mila Kunis' mom is also part royalty in a way? I don't, yeah. Because Mila Kunis' parents are just like normal Earth people, but then she's somehow the the genetic copy of this 91,000 year old space queen.
00:58:14
Speaker
but Because it's like, in a weird way, it's interbreeding because the genes have to then meet and then reform in a way that is exact again. But i mean, that's not how jeans work.
00:58:34
Speaker
So they make the goo. She bathes in the goo. The goo is the one that keeps her young, isn't it? it makes up Yeah, like reverse their aging or something. And also you need lightning, I guess.
00:58:58
Speaker
Why wouldn't you like go into goo every day? like Why would you like let yourself kind of like age and then... It's like, well, it's time to go into goo, I guess.
00:59:15
Speaker
It's gene therapy. you You basically did gene therapy.
00:59:45
Speaker
See, I don't mind the concept. This is a pretty cool and like you know scary concept that I like. It's basically like Dune. It's like the spice, but then the spice is like every planet and every like all the people like people are the spice.
00:59:57
Speaker
Yeah, I don't mind that. But I think people get hung up on other parts of the movie because I did not know that was the the actual plot.
01:00:08
Speaker
Like, in all of what I know about this movie, it's the dog romance with the Cinderella story. Mm-hmm.
01:00:17
Speaker
not the gene harvesting from planets. Plants are basically like orchards, you know, like they're, they're like farms.
01:00:31
Speaker
And like everything's like a humanoid. Like, you know, these aren't true aliens. Everyone shares the same... earth yeah Earthlings are just like the... Yeah, there is they're just... They're just primitive versions of... like The Abraxuses.
01:00:48
Speaker
Yeah, yeah.
01:00:51
Speaker
See, know mean? Like, then that means that everyone on Earth is technically from the same genome, like, some sort of, like, root seed. So... They're just, like, to to this... To this royal family, all of humanity is just, like, inbred hicks.
01:01:11
Speaker
Right? like these are rich royalties, and you're like, oh like, what what do you have for... Like, as a communication? Oh, a cell phone? Like, oh, that's cute. We have FTL.
01:01:23
Speaker
Who's your who's your ah phone provider? AT&T? What's that? No, we have like Galactic like online.
01:01:32
Speaker
You know, have you ever talked to someone who doesn't have like a smartphone? You feel kind of judgmental? It's like meeting someone with like an old school Nokia now.
01:02:11
Speaker
Wait, you watched me for years cleaning toilets. You guys are terrible. You do this now? Yeah.
01:02:23
Speaker
Call me Joop. What?
01:02:28
Speaker
You can't give yourself your own nickname, you look who it is.
01:02:33
Speaker
you It would be funny if her name was like June Jupiter Jones, and then it's like... You know, then she embraces her middle name as, like, her first name, and it's more or like... Or she has... It's like Jane Jones, but then she but her father called her Jupiter or something.
01:02:47
Speaker
Yeah. Or it's like Jupiter is actually her real name, but she's using Jane all along, so she gets, like, um she gets more, like, comfortable as she realizes her legacy. She she embraces the name Jupiter.
01:03:04
Speaker
But you right off the gate, she's just like, Jupiter, Jupiter everything, blah, blah, blah.
01:03:29
Speaker
Finally, Chained Ham has clothes on.
01:03:39
Speaker
God, that was such Meg line. Yep.
01:05:02
Speaker
So this is really taking the Wachowskis, their like secret messages or like the subtlety of choosing like what you're supposed to be and like the nine binary thing. Now it's like gene encoding and like almost not eugenics, but like, you know, sort of like it it gets into genetic like.
01:05:26
Speaker
importance, and I'm like, huh, this could go dark in a weird way. if what's up in it's also It's also kind of like bestiality now, too, because he's half dog.
01:05:38
Speaker
Or like dog-like.
01:05:42
Speaker
Do you want to mix the royal bloodline with dog human hybrid blood? Mm-hmm.
01:05:56
Speaker
Welcome to Coruscant.
01:06:03
Speaker
Again, this... I feel like if you did this in a TV show and sort of had the pacing better, it wouldn't be bad. Like an eight-episode TV show or something? Yeah, a little more. Like, two episodes really build up who she is and the pain and, like, what she's going through and what she thinks her destiny is.
01:06:20
Speaker
And then it gets to, like, okay, hey, we need to protect you. your destiny's being rewritten. And it's like... turns out it's even more crazy than that in the next arc. You get to this.
01:06:43
Speaker
I mean, it's imaginative. i'll I'll give it that. This is like element levels of crazy. kick We're taking a detour into Terry Gilliamtown, so get ready for... Did he write this? What's going on? What's...
01:06:56
Speaker
i think he has ah I think he has a cameo in the scene, but it's it's this it basically just turns into Brazil for ten minutes. Wow.
01:07:07
Speaker
And it's it's totally like totally inconsistent with anything else the entire movie.
01:07:13
Speaker
It's like a whole different cut and pacing already.
01:07:31
Speaker
This is revenue request. That is what was passed at this point.
01:08:29
Speaker
ye No matter what bribes, cut through the red tape. That's how you get through the bureaucracy, yeah.
01:08:46
Speaker
There he is.
01:08:52
Speaker
See, this would have been an episode. but in they're like and i Halfway through the series, this would have been a whole episode of craziness. I wouldn't i would actually appreciate that. The Space DMV episode.
01:09:04
Speaker
and still think about ah the homage to it in Futurama.
01:09:18
Speaker
For such a future thing, it's just like shitty tech.
01:10:41
Speaker
When's the last time update like any of your DMV stuff, Zach? A while ago. i i did it to get like the new driver's license in Jersey a while ago.
01:10:53
Speaker
Really smooth. like It used to be bullshitty, but they really like improved it. Yeah, you do most of it online, then you just go there do this like, yep, it's good. Yeah, yeah. I think like in the 80s and 90s, it was like, yeah.
01:11:07
Speaker
It was some BS, but...
01:11:11
Speaker
It's definitely improved. I think like everything when it comes to periodic things are just getting better and better because people have complained enough and it's like AI now can just be like half of that.
01:11:33
Speaker
But then the robot's AI, so why didn't they just let the AI do it and they can just hang out the ship?
01:11:45
Speaker
Oh, is is being turned on from the bureaucratic thing? Like, is that what turned you on? Bureaucracy turns me on so much. I love paperwork. Ooh, let's kiss in this alleyway.
01:11:57
Speaker
tell me Tell me about forms. Tell me what forms to fill out
01:12:07
Speaker
Just like a dog, he's like, go to the bathroom. He just, like, points, goes to the wall. It's just like a... lo yeah
01:12:37
Speaker
That's a Melee Kunis standing.
01:12:41
Speaker
That, the behind the shot.
01:13:07
Speaker
do Do we ever see Sean Bean's daughter again? don't think so. Wow. Did they play that she had her, like, disease? Because she had that, like, horrific cough. Yeah.
01:13:24
Speaker
So, time check-wise, that was just the halfway point. There was still, like, another hour of movie. Yep. Oh, man. I felt like that was, like, the end of the movie. That's
01:13:38
Speaker
If I remember correctly, I think i it's basically two mini-movies now. it's like this its um Now it's a movie about like this brother, and then it's the final movie with Eddie Redmayne.
01:13:54
Speaker
Did anyone ever do a like a genome study of how Dune spun off all these things that like inspire it to basically keep the structure the same?
01:14:08
Speaker
i'm sure I'm sure it's probably like videos or like something about Dune's influence.
01:14:15
Speaker
No one's done it before. I kind of want to do a three hour long rant.
01:14:27
Speaker
Because I see this and it's like, okay, they definitely saw a Dune and was like, we like this. But like they saw the David Lynch version and they went, oh. Let's make it sexier. But also, they're all the same family. There's not like a rival family. There's not the Harkonnens. It's all just the Abraxases.
01:14:42
Speaker
They're just three different siblings. Yeah, but they're all in a different style. But yeah, it'd be like if they were three Atreides and they were like arguing with each other. down in the bit. Han Solo'd you go.
01:15:05
Speaker
Yep.
01:15:09
Speaker
Wait, that's it?
01:15:17
Speaker
That's a Batwoman, right?
01:16:04
Speaker
They take away his rocket boots?
01:16:08
Speaker
Did they even check him for weapons? They put him in the hole.
01:16:33
Speaker
I loved my mom, quote-unquote. See what I mean? like I called it earlier. I'm like, something's not right about this guy. Also, something's not right about this family. like it's yeah They're all genetically attracted to each other.
01:17:19
Speaker
You know, she's only been in space for like three days just to keep track of all these like space names.
01:17:34
Speaker
I forgot this guy's name. Titus. Okay, he's the easiest name.
01:17:48
Speaker
You give up the man whoring and base spoze of a space space playboy he is.
01:18:06
Speaker
Goo. Spice.
01:18:26
Speaker
Regen to people! yeah
01:18:39
Speaker
I thought they explained this to her.
01:18:45
Speaker
I think they just said that they harvest the planet and they specifically said like, oh, we we like melt people down into goo and then that like makes us young and hot again. and thought i thought
01:18:58
Speaker
Oh, you wasted so many lives. That was like a billion gazillion space dollars.
01:19:49
Speaker
Will you bury me, mommy?
01:20:00
Speaker
He sends this like it was a marriage happening. Incest.
01:20:34
Speaker
Double, double cross.
01:20:45
Speaker
Like...
01:20:50
Speaker
It's all... so Like, secret plans and stuff like that. It's not bad, but... It's just crammed on top of each other.
01:21:10
Speaker
Yeah, I think there was like a... I think Chaitain was in like ah like a Reddit Q&A or like some sort of like press thing, and people were like, what's this movie about? He's like, I don't know.
01:21:22
Speaker
He just couldn't summarize it?
01:21:54
Speaker
So how does being a dog help you from out like your skin like freezing?
01:22:01
Speaker
Yeah, forget forget is is there like a certain amount of seconds before you like decompress and die? Your head should explode.
01:22:10
Speaker
You ice up and then like... Genetic genetic engineering.
01:22:15
Speaker
Even in Guardians the Galaxy they kind of explain that.
01:22:31
Speaker
Also, why would you do it and and an ejuction like you know an ejection from the ship that has all these escape pod suits? You saw him kick him. Yeah.
01:23:07
Speaker
Thank
01:23:36
Speaker
Oh god, it's KGP! They found us!
01:23:40
Speaker
Now, imagine being that mom. It's like, the the curse is happening again, and then it's like, the new level of like home invasion. It'd be hilarious if the space dragons were like, WHERE'S OUR MONEY?!
01:23:57
Speaker
yeah
01:24:19
Speaker
It's a good thing that the space suit's in English.
01:24:24
Speaker
Just remembering the movie.
01:24:36
Speaker
he breathing goo?
01:24:40
Speaker
i think they all I think they all take goo to like stay alive.
01:25:30
Speaker
He went to a ah space farm upstate.
01:26:28
Speaker
I'll marry my space son.
01:26:44
Speaker
Warhammer?
01:27:16
Speaker
Meanwhile, a Lady Gaga-themed wedding. Speaking Doom, have you seen Doom Prophecies yet, Chris? The TV show? Yeah. I got like halfway through and i took a break.
01:27:28
Speaker
It was a lot. Well, this is like the Emperor's daughter getting married. Oh, like the first episode? Yeah. Yeah. Nah, this is like crazier. Look at this.
01:27:40
Speaker
Oh,
01:27:45
Speaker
ah they're getting in the mechs from Matrix Revolutions. Yeah, the same control scheme. and I didn't expect this. i didn't expect a mech battle.
01:28:14
Speaker
Oh, it's hunter-jaeger.
01:28:22
Speaker
So the Aegis like space cops?
01:28:27
Speaker
They did mention something that.
01:28:31
Speaker
But they can override the royalty? Yeah.
01:28:37
Speaker
Who's in charge of the Aegis, then?
01:28:44
Speaker
Space Marines!
01:28:51
Speaker
i think you're thinking about 40k.
01:28:57
Speaker
Just regular Warhammers, medieval fantasy.
01:29:31
Speaker
Okay, so...
01:29:37
Speaker
What's that movie with Asa Butterfield where they do kind of like this? Oh, Ender's Game? Yeah, it's an Ender game scene.
01:29:46
Speaker
Cool, another business contract.
01:29:58
Speaker
So the they only need to drop two of these ships to go through this wall. Thousands of drones. Whatever these are, drones.
01:30:11
Speaker
What even are they? There's so much noise just happening. It's just like metal shards.............
01:31:13
Speaker
Yeah, that's what they say like during a will like yeah
01:31:29
Speaker
oh boy, this is not even the end of the movie. That's what I'm saying. like this is this like This feels like the climax of the movie, but then there's a whole other segment with Red Hat Reward made.
01:32:19
Speaker
Bite his finger! Bite his finger! i object to this wedding!
01:32:54
Speaker
Alright, just gonna walk right by. Welp. Now time to deal with the third sibling.
01:33:02
Speaker
Our family sucks.
01:33:12
Speaker
He'll pay in the sequel?
01:33:16
Speaker
have to file a revenge paperwork? We have to go to the FVF. Terry Gilliam has to give us like the revenge contract. So I'm a little confused. So she has to... She was going to get married so he can legally kill her, and then like he would inherit her... Earth, yeah. He would get all of her like holdings, which includes Earth.
01:33:39
Speaker
and earth is earth Earth is the most resource-rich planet in the whole universe, i guess.
01:33:49
Speaker
It's the ripest orchard. Mm-hmm.
01:33:58
Speaker
I thought you said we don't go back to Chicago, Zach. I saw this ten years ago, so
01:34:30
Speaker
are aware of all current circumstances. I have been instructed to offer your good, holy. You are to come with meet my Lord. They will take the disciples.
01:34:51
Speaker
All your families.
01:35:17
Speaker
Does everyone know each other and give each other proper respect? Like, mister? It's weird. they're all mister. It's like Mr. Skellington, Mr. Knight. like But it's like proper addressing them. You know, it's just like, oh, okay, you... Like, you know, mister and missus, like, they're very classic, like, England royalty.
01:35:42
Speaker
Your grace. Yeah, yeah, weird.
01:35:49
Speaker
So, like, is the are British people, like, a direct descendant to this house? You know... Because if you think about Dune, they don't use the word Mr. and Mrs. They just say, like... Or Grace. i think Very rarely they use that.
01:36:05
Speaker
think it's like... Yeah, it's all just, like, Lord. Like, Duke. Well, there is, like, a royal hierarchy name, but you can't really get away with that.
01:36:31
Speaker
Ah, it was a trap.
01:36:44
Speaker
Kiss out for your elephant man!
01:37:06
Speaker
Maybe one of you should have went with her. Instead of just like following her in a car, maybe equivalent.
01:37:22
Speaker
Or maybe give her a gun. i don't know. A dagger or something. like Anything.
01:37:30
Speaker
i mean, it's just Eddie Redmayne. I'm pretty sure Mila Kunis could fight Eddie Redmayne.
01:38:16
Speaker
I create life!
01:38:23
Speaker
Whoa. Oscar nominee Eddie Redmayne.
01:38:27
Speaker
is pretty good in this. and It's like so crazy. I mean, he's devouring scenery. I mean... I'm sure the Wachowski was just like, do whatever the hell you want.
01:38:38
Speaker
I'm wondering if he met someone in real life that acted like this, and he's like, yes, that's who I want to study, and then... I will whisper, i will whisper, and she'll like, yeah!
01:38:52
Speaker
And then whisper.
01:39:03
Speaker
Cool. cap Space capitalism. Yep.
01:39:50
Speaker
think is this Is this what got him a Fantastic Beasts?
01:39:55
Speaker
You're like, yes. We want him in Harry Potter. We want the whisper screaming guy. Let's make him a good guy where he does none of that.
01:40:03
Speaker
Let's make him a foppish magical creature hunter.
01:40:49
Speaker
yeah Yeah, dig on your hands and knees that to the red storm of Jupiter.
01:41:51
Speaker
Come on, do more business deals.
01:41:57
Speaker
this This is the first step of 50 to make me claim the Earth.
01:42:23
Speaker
So we're doing like the same thing he did in the first part. Like, the other part. Where he is going back into a barrier. yes i has to fly... He has to fly into, like, the brother... Like, the one of the Abraxas' fortresses in his spaceship and crash through and fight them.
01:42:42
Speaker
he gonna crash through, like, another cathedral?
01:42:47
Speaker
Also, why does that one brother have, like, a wedding chap like chapel in his, like, house? Or his ship?
01:42:57
Speaker
This is where we have Space Church.
01:43:12
Speaker
Well, he's dead. Yeah, he's super dead.
01:43:24
Speaker
Man, think of that middle section of the ships are so strong. Yeah, what's the middle part of the ship made out of Just make more of that in the like other parts.
01:44:00
Speaker
he falling asleep? What's going on? He has like narcolepsy.
01:44:08
Speaker
ah sorry. Sometimes I fall asleep.
01:44:13
Speaker
So she gets her family free, but then they're going to get harvest like the next day. going to harvest them like immediately.
01:44:34
Speaker
She's figuring out like the the loophole in the contract.
01:44:39
Speaker
It's like this is like her Nia moment, except instead of like Kung Fu, it's bureaucratic intergalactic contracts.
01:44:59
Speaker
This is bureaucracy.
01:45:32
Speaker
Keep barking.
01:45:35
Speaker
I think it's the dragons. They're like... Fuck your iPad. My balls! My balls!
01:45:47
Speaker
fuck your ipad
01:45:58
Speaker
my balls
01:46:44
Speaker
It's stabilized. Thank
01:46:52
Speaker
you.
01:47:03
Speaker
you know Isn't it crazy that like we we got like a giant climax now we're getting another giant climax? It's a little like like a part two to it and it's it's a lot.
01:47:17
Speaker
Yeah, it is like they didn't understand how to make climaxes.
01:47:25
Speaker
Or it should be spread apart. You know, like the middle act and then this so it's like now it's even more of a precious steak thing. what say like it's It's so episodic, too. like like this is like an episode like like This is like the finale of the episode of the TV show.
01:47:39
Speaker
Again, it's not a bad concept.
01:47:58
Speaker
The gravity conveyor belt system is a little weird.
01:48:04
Speaker
I guess in the future there is no, like, space OSHA to stop from, like, throwing debris. e
01:48:14
Speaker
Is this... I'm assuming this Mr. Skellington, but, like, it's hard to tell... No, this is Mr. Green. Mr. Skellington's head. Oh, there's a difference. It's hard to... All the Space Dragons look the same. i think you're racist, Zach. I think you're... you're Against Space Dragons. You're racist.
01:48:59
Speaker
So does that mean if she has kids, then her kids might look like Eddie Redmayne and like everyone else? Maybe.
01:49:18
Speaker
So like, that means in other planets, this has happened like a recurrence that like,
01:49:25
Speaker
Like, but one of the siblings might show up later on on another, like, planet. Another humanoid planet. guess they die I guess they die, I guess. But they've all been, like, alive for, like, thousands of years.
01:49:38
Speaker
No, no, no. But, like, they seed the planet with their family. So there's still a chance that, like, Eddie Redmayne... There might be, like, an Eddie Redmayne working, like, a gas station in another planet. Like, the equivalent of it.
01:49:52
Speaker
it is only Does it only happen when you die? Because that's the only reason that Mila Kunis looks like the mother because the mother like got murdered.
01:50:01
Speaker
Well, she's been dead for like 91... She like 91,000 years old when she died. I think she died recently. she was like ninety one thousand years old when she died but think she died recently
01:50:15
Speaker
and then, like, your DNA pool is back. Or within, like, guess within, like, because, like, however little Milakunas is, like, know, like, 20-something years ago, I guess the mother died, maybe, or something.
01:50:26
Speaker
30-something years ago.
01:50:33
Speaker
Which, in in, like, space-time isn't a lot, because they've been, they've lived for, like, centuries. Mm-hmm.
01:51:37
Speaker
How were they able to get it? like Is the explosion just like they're able to get in now because everything's like blowing up? I don't know how they got back that area. There's that whole, like, yeah, you can't get through the shield or the storm or whatever it thing is, it wasn't even the shield was the problem. It was the pressure of the storm. So they can now fly through the storm. Because cause it's blowing up?
01:52:09
Speaker
It would have been better if, like, Chang-Tan got in there, then opened up the gate for them, and then that's how they got there, but they didn't do that. They just sort of up appear.
01:52:46
Speaker
I'm gonna space-more-blade as fast as I can!
01:52:53
Speaker
Wait, I thought he just saved her. Who who did he just put on the gurney? It must been, like, one of her, like, the aunt or cousins or something. Oh, okay. Her mother, maybe?
01:53:37
Speaker
do you Do you remember when I said, shut up, Meg?
01:53:49
Speaker
She just says, like, I just want my telescope!
01:53:56
Speaker
Please, Mommy, please, Mommy, don't hurt me
01:54:25
Speaker
It's just a weird, like, ongoing plot thing. Yep.
01:54:50
Speaker
take a shot every time Mila Kunis falls in this movie. That's lot.
01:55:00
Speaker
You know, it's to the point where, like, she needs to put, like, gravity boots on her. know Yeah. Is it only, like, one pair in the universe? Like, why is that, like, a standard equipment?
01:55:14
Speaker
Yeah, why don't all, like, the Aegis have, all the Aegis have them or something?
01:55:28
Speaker
Wait, they have portals?
01:55:33
Speaker
You just you just beam yeah can you beam people up like Star Trek?
01:56:13
Speaker
Alright, the effects are like you tell they're running out of money. it's It's not the same effort as the like first like the Big Chicago sequence. It's not.
01:56:30
Speaker
Now it's just a green screen.
01:56:34
Speaker
But the helmets just make it look goofy.........................
01:57:18
Speaker
so weird that it's like his full name is Kane Wise. kate Get it? Kane 9, kind of.
01:57:26
Speaker
Even better if his coat his like tag name or his handle is like 9, and then it's like, what's your first name? Kane? It's like, oh, oh
01:57:38
Speaker
Kane Wise just sounds weird.
01:57:46
Speaker
Oh god, the movie's starting over. the They realize everyone. Oh god. No one remembers anything.
01:58:03
Speaker
would have been better she put like a like a Marvel real life decoy. but yeah It's a sim.
01:58:15
Speaker
And she chose to go back, like she put the memory of them as like, let's work as a cleaner. And she's like, I actually enjoy cleaning toilets now. ha ha I had an adventure.
01:58:29
Speaker
Yeah, this movie is about appreciating like menial tasks. And like shit family.
01:59:05
Speaker
how but yeah it's like How many space bucks does she have now? Like like ah ah billion gazillion space bucks? But you can't convert it? She has to keep it a secret?
01:59:16
Speaker
Yeah.
01:59:21
Speaker
You guys know I own this planet, right? But that's like a crazy person to say, you know? It's like, I'm the president of the world. Yeah.
02:00:25
Speaker
You know, i I would just give yourself a little bit of a luxury besides... but Like, have them neuralize people but then like, oh, we don't we don't clean toilets anymore. We own we own like a different business or something. like yeah like like we got We got inheritance. like I'm an astrologer now.
02:00:50
Speaker
I genetically brought Dad back.
02:00:59
Speaker
yeah know how How would she explain Cain to her family? It is a tough one. like she Like, if they're still together, like she eventually has to explain, like, here's my boyfriend, he's a half-dog, half-bird, alien soldier for fortune. Finally!
02:01:16
Speaker
finally
02:01:21
Speaker
Also, there are people with smartphones during this time. They'd be like, what the fuck's out there? Is that mean like cloud surfing? And like ah a bird man? Like the gray aliens here have to like work overtime because these two want to go on a dumb flying date.
02:01:38
Speaker
just Yeah, the gray aliens work for me like who else now is like, God, fucking princess or whatever it is now. Like, we have so much, our jobs are so much harder now. You didn't follow the right paperwork for this date, and so like we didn't have the crew ready to neuralize like downtown Chicago.
02:02:00
Speaker
Again, it's not a terrible concept. The execution's a little sloppy at times, but the concept isn't bad. I think the movie these the yeah they they tried to cram way too much stuff into it.
02:02:12
Speaker
There's a lot. like like like there's like There's at least two movies worth of content in here. So... like The movie i was going to follow this up with at some point was Valerian, but I can't think about Oh, Valerian? Very similar.
02:02:30
Speaker
might watch that next week, just to keep the motive of like good concept, but just weird execution.
02:02:42
Speaker
So... yeah like If they just took its time and really built up certain things and then... ah i don't know. didn't like or Or just trim down the subplots. like There was just like, it's oh it's been 15 minutes. Let's introduce another crazy thing.
02:03:01
Speaker
yeah It can could just all be... Just have Eddie Redmayne be the main bet. You don't eat you don't need the other siblings. you know like you have Or or like you know at least you don't need them to be like other... like Have their own subplots that have like climaxes.
02:03:15
Speaker
like I guess this the sister didn't really have a... She's just like, hey, you look about like our mother. like i'm i'm I'm young now. Bye. Yeah, that's all you had to do. And then it's like, well, then the brother takes over and goes, hey, like come with me. And it's like...
02:03:30
Speaker
you know, my sister just introduces you to the thing, let's, like, try to explain, like, I want to protect you from my other brother, and then it's like, you think he's gonna be a good brother, then it turns out, like, they're both, you know, bad, because the sister sort of just, like, is there, she doesn't really have agenda.
02:03:45
Speaker
She just sends them to a space DMV. Yeah, so like the sister's actually better. like She's not great, because she still bathes in the gene pool, but she at least was like, okay, well, let's go through the paperwork, so like let's make you an official royal person.
02:04:03
Speaker
and so i think it's also because she hates her brother. so
02:04:09
Speaker
i think she knew like like the other brother killed the mom. yeah Here's another thing. We never see the dad.
02:04:16
Speaker
That's for the sequel. They they had to like find some sort of like big big like ah rig reveal where he's actually like, he didn't die. He got like exiled because he was even crazier. So like they filed the right petition to take over a hostile takeover of the company.
02:04:33
Speaker
That makes sense. like See, like it's a concept that I can see like if they just wanted to, there could be a whole different arc, and at this point, like Star Wars, it's like you don't retell the same story, like at least for the story of the original trilogy.
02:04:48
Speaker
because the brother Because Titus is still out there. Yeah, you he's plotting. Titus goes and finds like their father yeah he finds their father, and it's like... he professional like for Yeah, he like reinstates his royalty or something, and then he comes back.
02:05:01
Speaker
it's like i I actually own the planet because I married your i married your mother, and i'm I got all of her... combined her planets and my planets, and we shared like the kingdom, but because like you know he did something even daring, then he got kicked out of the company. and then that's Because that's what Titus' whole plot was. He wanted to marry Mila Kunis and then get her holdings and kill her. that's, so that's those like the dad like would have, would have had like that because he married the the mother mom. And then the mom probably caught on was like, oh no, you don't. And then like did a board meeting vote and kicked them out.
02:05:38
Speaker
like if you want to go on the capitalist thing, like, go for it. Don't just stop. Like, they really just go, okay, well, Eddie Redmayne is for profit, and it's generic, but it really could have been even crazier, especially when you really introduce the bureaucracy, and Terry Gillum's there.
02:05:53
Speaker
So just, like, go with it. i still that That scene is so... like that The Brazil scene is so crazy. just like It's so... I don't mind it! Yeah, it's great, but it's it it's so... like It feels like it's such a different movie. totally, yes. I mean, as a movie watcher, with this level of how much we've watched, it is a twist.
02:06:12
Speaker
And I appreciate it. Because if not, it it just the whole movie would have been running like the same level. The same beat. But... in ah and a, hey, first time, you don't watch a lot of sci-fi, this is maybe your third sci-fi movie or whatever, confusing as shit.
02:06:27
Speaker
Like, ah completely, like, derails the, like, romance, the whole, like, uh, Mila Kunis is the Cinderella story, because now it's like, alright, well, we gotta to go through paperwork now. Like, holy shit, what?
02:06:39
Speaker
they should They should have brought back the, um, uh, Like, for, like, when David Lynch's dude came out, and they they had, like, the brochure to explain everything. Yeah, it's sort of like that. but you know what would have been funnier? And, uh, if you really want to up the comedy, it's like, oh, yeah, like, you just can't be you. Like, you gotta show us your genetic maker, so then, like, mealy-kunis has to go back to Earth, like, grab her mom, bring her, like, bring her cousin, and they enter the paperwork, and then they get neuralized and sent back.
02:07:06
Speaker
Mm-hmm. That have been funny! Like, you know, like, there is a comedy movie in all of this. But it's like they they like reveal it in that and they close it back up again.
02:07:21
Speaker
i don't know. like At least my keen eye of watching this, I'm like, oh, like i could see it I could see the pitch and how some people like interpret it. But then, did a... like like did Warner brothers overstep and did something weird and like, and interesting like, but thing is, there's no product they're pushing.
02:07:39
Speaker
There's no like kitschy technology where it's like, Oh, like get, here's my smartphone. Like, you know, and like, that's the thing that saves like me. Like, you know, it's not like that.
02:07:52
Speaker
Well, the, the odd thing cause I don't think so like speed racer and cloud Atlas, don't think did well. But then Warner still gave like the Wachowski carte blanche of like, well, you still made the Matrix for us, so you can still you still you can still have like unlimited money and do whatever you want. like Yeah, I could see that.
02:08:09
Speaker
But then even by the time they did Matrix, like whatever the fourth one was, that pretty much killed any idea for Matrix. thing and They're just completely done with Warner
02:08:26
Speaker
But they probably thought this could have been a new Star Wars or something. The Wachowskis who made the Matrix are making a new Star Wars.
02:08:37
Speaker
It could have. We could have a Jupiter Ascending trilogy. I wouldn't call it Star Wars. I'd call it like another Dune. Yeah. I could see it. like It could have been something that they got now with the Dune movies, but...
02:08:55
Speaker
This is definitely like a ah derivative genetic Mila Kunis of Dune. Like all the parts are there, you know, like the DNA of Dunes in it.
02:09:07
Speaker
And you know it it came out like it they actually, no, this is like a splicer of Dune. They spliced this yeah with like another movie. I'm trying to think what the other movie is like Dune plus something.
02:09:23
Speaker
I'm trying to think of a movie that was is there like where like... We said turtles because it's like they're kind of like harvesting planets. Yeah, but thats that but this came before. It has to be like a particular point. Let me ask.
02:09:36
Speaker
Let me look online. It has to be a movie where they did body harvesting because that's not an original idea. So like what movies had like human harvesting?
02:09:52
Speaker
We made we had like the soy green joke. That was like a classic. Holy shit, you know what this movie is?
02:09:59
Speaker
do Do you know, Zach? Go ahead. It's the island plus Dune.
02:10:07
Speaker
Kinda, yeah. And they both had Sean Bean in it.
02:10:13
Speaker
Yeah, this is the island.
02:10:20
Speaker
yeah Well, I guess, but it's not really, close's not it's not clones, though. It's, there's, there's, like, turning people into goo. But, they still take the, no, it's the reversal, where, like, they take the organs of clones in this point, it's like now they take the goo of humans, but they still have to plant the, like, the family is technically selling their own product because they see the planet with their bloodline so that, like, they can get the same DNA and put it back in themselves and sell it to other beings.
02:10:53
Speaker
It's kind of, I mean, it definitely has, like, the Matrix stuff, too, where you know humans are being used for something. As a battery? you Yes, yes. Now they're being used for beauty products.
02:11:05
Speaker
And, uh... Yeah, like like... Okay, when I put in like online to see what the movies are like harvesting, they gave me like a good amount. Um...
02:11:17
Speaker
It's unfortunate that, like, I think Jupiter Ascending was the last one to do it, because it's like, up until that, yeah, I'm looking online, Jupiter Ascending was the last one up until Eternals. At least, that's the one that they can find it easily.
02:11:28
Speaker
Before that was Acylium. Oh, Alysium? Alysium, yeah, yeah. And then, other one, a few years before that was Torista.
02:11:39
Speaker
Oh, yeah, Torista, yeah, mm-hmm. And then, oh, you know what the last one is that is more like harvesting with a different twist? Get Out.
02:11:50
Speaker
A yeah little little different, but ah in the sense of how to like get essence and transfer it. Yeah. So.
02:11:58
Speaker
Well.
02:12:00
Speaker
I mean, how hard would it be to buy the rights from the Wachaucees to make a Jupiter Ascending miniseries? Mm-hmm.
02:12:10
Speaker
Yep, right after this, HBO Max was like, Valerian now? And I was like, remind me in a week. I need my brain to settle. That doubtw would be, if you want more of this, like, Kaya's things, yeah, definitely watch Valerian.
02:12:24
Speaker
Because it's all just, like, crazy sci-fi nonsense. Yeah. but And very visually visually is very similar, too. i got that. I got that vibe.
02:12:36
Speaker
But, yeah, this wasn't so bad. This wasn't just laugh- I wasn't laughing to, like, the plot. A lot of it is, like, reasonable. It just moves at a, like, neck-breaking speed. Yeah. I mean, visual the visuals are great.
02:12:49
Speaker
I mean, you can see all the money's on the screen. Except for, like, we were talking about the ending. kind of, like, they got like gave up a little bit. But... um and yeah lots lots of Lots of fun ideas as far as like you know splicing people with animals and like harvesting plants for space goo.
02:13:06
Speaker
And the royalty. Beauty goo. And then like the the kind of rules of engagement. so I don't mind it. like it it something again I'm used to like an anime doing it, so coming from that sci-fi like dense world, it it's ah it's a an attempt. so I kind of see. but yeah no I wouldn't pay this in theaters. but you know like It's a fun watch if it's just on streaming, but if I had to go seek this out and pay money, I'd be like, huh.
02:13:34
Speaker
ah Yeah, any last thoughts?
02:13:39
Speaker
No, I mean, it's it's it's it's a... if if you can If you can deal with all the like the the plot craziness and like kind of like just maybe not be okay with understanding all the plot stuff, then you just want to see like some cool visuals, it's it's it's pretty fun. and Yeah.
02:13:55
Speaker
I was, I mean, I think, so like, if you're you're talking about, like, the three, like, not the three non-Matrix movies, like Speed Racer, Cloud Atlas, and this, I would say Speed Racer's definitely the best one of the three, probably. Yeah, I saw, I haven't seen Cloud Atlas all the way.
02:14:09
Speaker
haven't seen Cloud Atlas since it came out. I watched i think it, think I saw it, like, when it after it came out in theaters, but it's been, like, another, like, that was, like, before this one, so it's over ten years. I don't know, we could do a commentary on that. That's a long-ass movie. No, that's, that's, that's too long, too serious.
02:14:25
Speaker
Although, there i mean, there' is there is weird stuff in that one where everyone everyone's playing multiple characters, but...
02:14:33
Speaker
But yeah, I think that'll do it for Trooper Sending. We'll be back next month with another movie. Head over the site for all of our other stuff. We got news, reviews, trailers, all the regular podcasts. Everything extra content. Check all that stuff out.
02:14:46
Speaker
And yes, for Chris, I'm Zach, and we will see you next time. For more Foreverly Action... head to www.everythingaction.com. You can also find us on Facebook at facebook.com slash everything.action and follow us on X at Evie Action.
02:15:04
Speaker
We're also on Instagram and threads at everything.action. Find of the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or your at podcast app of choice and be sure to rate and subscribe.