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Single, Centered, and Whole: Decentering Men in 2026
29 Plays1 month ago
Life becomes a waiting game. Waiting for texts, commitment, apologies, explanations. Always from someone who isn't really interested in getting back to you. So what does decentering men actually mean, and how do you do it without giving up on wanting love?
What decentering men really is:
- Men stop being the reference point for what you do, look like, where you go, what you tolerate, and prioritize
- Not outsourcing your worth to male attention or treating relationships as your main source of life success
- Not shrinking yourself to keep someone else comfortable
I also talk about why this feels louder now. Emotional burnout from being the project manager of connection. Information everywhere, we're comparing notes in real time and can't be gaslit as easily. Economic reality where relationships add stress instead of support. And what you actually reclaim: time, money, body autonomy, ambition, deeper friendships, and peace. Single isn't a consolation prize, it's your home base.
Subscribe. Share. Remember that you're not behind for being single, not incomplete, and not waiting for life to start.
Small steps, big healing. Keep growing! ✨
Join the conversation! What are you reclaiming by decentering men? DM me on Instagram @YourCoachMari!
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Transcript
Introduction to Growing with Sol Podcast
00:00:00
Speaker
Hello beautiful soul and welcome back to another installment of the Growing with Sol podcast where we explore the stories and moments that shape who we're becoming. I'm Marisol and this is where I love to have real conversations about growth, self-discovery, and learning to put yourself first.
00:00:17
Speaker
Whether we're diving into books that change our perspective or unpacking personal experiences that teach us something new, this podcast is for women who are done playing small and ready to embrace their own journey.
00:00:29
Speaker
If you've struggled with self-doubt or putting everybody else first, you're in the right place. This isn't about perfection. It's about the messy, beautiful process of growing into yourself.
00:00:41
Speaker
So come grow with me.
Decentering Men in Modern Life
00:00:44
Speaker
Have you ever noticed how life essentially becomes a waiting game? You are waiting for somebody to text you back, waiting for somebody to commit to you, waiting for somebody to apologize or explain themselves. You're just constantly waiting. And it's always from a certain person that isn't really interested in getting back to you.
00:01:05
Speaker
Okay, it's that avoidant you are hot and bothered about, essentially. or just, you know, maybe something isn't compatible. That's fine. It happens. But today, i really wanted to dive into the idea, the notion of decentering men in 2026.
00:01:23
Speaker
The thing about Decentering Men is that I've been seeing everybody talk about it, and I feel like I've seen people talk about it, especially women online for years now in like bits and pieces. I do think the conversation around it has expanded and increased just within like the last a year.
00:01:42
Speaker
And I think that it is such an intriguing notion, especially when if you're like me, then you definitely are of the belief that People need people and there is nothing wrong when wanting romantic love.
00:02:05
Speaker
And how do we grapple with those two things? How do we want romantic love and also decenter men? And how do we have the two coexisting at the same time? And also this this huge conversation of decentering men within the same time as Bridgerton being a hit and everybody watching that and, you know, just romance, the genre of like romance, like romance novels in general, just having this amazing resurgence and like popularity in the mainstream is also happening during this time of expanded conversation around decentering men. Yeah.
00:02:45
Speaker
And I do think that part of it is because lot of women are realizing that fulfillment does not have to be built around being partnered, being in a relationship.
00:03:00
Speaker
It does not have to be built around, fulfillment does not have to be built around being desired or being picked. So what exactly does decentering men mean? Because, you know, i hear it all the time. You probably hear it all the time. And we might have like a vague idea of what it is, but let's get into it.
00:03:23
Speaker
So one simple thing that we can keep in mind when we hear that term is that men stop being the reference point for what you do What you look like, where you go, what you tolerate, and what you prioritize.
00:03:42
Speaker
That's the point. When everything that you do is inherently done for the male gaze, to find a man, to please a man all of that.
00:03:55
Speaker
When you stop doing that, that is when you are de-centering men. It's not hating men. And it's not never date, which is something very important in this conversation because I have seen a lot of people online also talking about like, yeah, decenter man, blah, blah, blah. But also like, I would like a boyfriend or I would like a husband one day.
00:04:19
Speaker
So it's not never date. And it's not relationships are bad. It's none of those things. But it does mean, it does signify that you are not outsourcing your worth to male attention and validation.
00:04:40
Speaker
You're not going to treat that relationship that perhaps you desire as your main source of life success. Like, is a relationship something to be congratulated on?
00:04:54
Speaker
Maybe. in terms of, like, having been married for, like, a bajillion years. You know? Like, long-standing marriages. I'm like, whoa. Like, clearly you figured something out to make it work that long. That's definitely worth congratulating. But, like, if you get a boyfriend, you get a husband, like, is that your biggest achievement, girl? Probably not. Tell me about...
00:05:16
Speaker
i don't know, your PhD that you probably have, you know, something. But also, decent treatment means that you do not shrink yourself to keep someone else comfortable.
00:05:31
Speaker
And if you think about it, there may have been times in your life where you did this. I can think about that in my own life where there were definitely times where I did that. I shrank to keep someone else comfortable. Hello, how many times have I talked about on this very podcast that I have worked so hard to no longer be a people pleaser?
00:05:51
Speaker
You think that didn't happen in like my romantic relationships? Yes, it did.
00:05:57
Speaker
It was something that really needed to go. And it has. It has. It's it's it's not. It's definitely easier nowadays than it was before. But, you know, every once in a while, it's like, I feel like, oh, this is where I'm supposed to, like, be a people pleaser. And I'm like, no, no, no, Marisol, you don't do that anymore. Because when you have, like, a lifetime of training, it's hard to rewire your brain.
00:06:19
Speaker
But that's what we're talking about when we mention de-centering men. So what is the cost of it?
00:06:30
Speaker
Because, you know, it can you know be all fine and dandy me saying these lovely words and like talking about it in theory. But what is like the actual cost of centering men essentially?
Impact of Centering Men on Mental Load
00:06:41
Speaker
You know, like a lot of women have been talking about like the mental load in a relationship. And I part of centering men, especially when you're already in a romantic relationship is essentially being the caregiver, being the like manager of the home and the household on top of also being out there, maybe working on your studies. Maybe you are also working full time on top of that, on top of managing the house, on top of being a mom, on top of also trying to be a good partner. It's just because you're centering a man, you're doing all these things now, instead of being in a situation where, or in a relationship where they are an equal partner in the dynamic.
00:07:23
Speaker
But also, it can show up in your schedule, it can show up in your spending, your safety, your standards, and your peace. If that ain't the mother-of-a-fine truth, your peace is something that needs to be protected at all costs. All of you, all of you needs to be protected at all costs.
00:07:44
Speaker
But somehow, when we center men and relationships, that seems to fly away.
00:07:54
Speaker
Anyway, so what are we doing now? Why D-Centery Men a trend now in the present day? Why does it feel louder now, essentially, like I mentioned before?
00:08:07
Speaker
I think one of the main reasons is burnout, emotional burnout. So many women are tired of being the project manager of connection.
00:08:20
Speaker
We're tired of teaching basic empathy, tired of, you know, accepting confusion or mixed signals as like maybe a personality trait or like, oh, like he's just like aloof as well as like a personality trait. Like, no. No.
00:08:34
Speaker
We are so tired, emotionally tired, bearing the brunt of the emotional intelligence in a essentially heteronormative dynamic. Secondly, we also recognize that information is everywhere.
00:08:50
Speaker
So we are comparing notes in real time. The amount of times that I've seen i I just want to say right here, right now, i am chronically online. Okay. I recognize that about myself in my life. Um, but I have spent some time, quite a bit of time on threads and the amount of times that I have seen on threads itself, a woman posting, like maybe in real time or like after a date or something, I'm being like, this is what I experienced. Like I was upset. Am I valid for being upset? Like, am I overreacting?
00:09:24
Speaker
And it's like, girl, you need to run. Like you are not overreacting. That's indicative of X, Y, and You see women in the comments being like, I was in a similar situation and this is what it led to. This is what happened. Like no other time in history have we had that type of access to other women who may have been in a very similar situation Or or even women who have been in that same situation with that same man like all those out of the is that on facebook where it's like have we dated the same guy like i've seen people post about that and it's like oh this this guy like i dated this guy you know a year or two ago like he did the same thing to me the t app oh my god does that even still exist don't know if it still exists but when the t app was popping
00:10:15
Speaker
It was crazy because I spoke to someone who like was on there and like saw like i think their cousin or something was on there. You know, it it's it was funny it was a little funny.
00:10:30
Speaker
But the T app, when that was a thing, if it was, you know, information is everywhere and we are sharing it So with that, not only are we able to make more informed decisions, we're also able to find greater validation within our peers, essentially.
00:10:53
Speaker
We're not able to be taken advantage of as easily. We're not able to be gaslit, essentially, because when you're isolated, you don't have anybody to bounce information off of.
00:11:05
Speaker
And that's so important, especially, say, when we are younger and when we're younger, especially having been I mean, I'm not growing up nowadays, but when I was growing up, it was so common for things to be so male-centered and for you to be so male-centered, especially I feel like when you're like a teenager, preteen, like you're going through puberty, you're like growing into yourself, growing into your body, experiencing attraction for the first time, then also experiencing wanting to be attractive for the first time. So you're kind of thinking about, like, how can I be attractive? Yeah.
00:11:39
Speaker
So it is kind of centering how men might view you in a way. And then you're growing up with that in a very male-centered, male-gaze-centered world, especially in the early 2000s. But like, you know, when you're younger and you're all caught up with that, it's so important to be able to have information like this, access to community like this, to make sure you're making...
00:12:04
Speaker
decisions that are going to essentially be the best for you. I think the third thing that is really impacting why we are seeing de-centering men being so popular nowadays is also economic reality.
Economic Challenges and Relationship Stress
00:12:19
Speaker
Like, The math is brutal when it comes to economics. Okay, we are all struggling. It's so much harder to have access to stability, essentially. Like we are working harder to have essentially the same stability that, you know, previous generations had.
00:12:39
Speaker
And when it comes to, like I mentioned before, where we are in relationships and relationships essentially bringing more stress, we then have to really ask so ask ourselves, like, what am I getting with this relationship?
00:12:57
Speaker
Like, is this person really contributing something to my life or are they just making things much more stressful? Because the amount of women that I have seen on the internet talk about You know, I was basically doing everything anyway.
00:13:14
Speaker
And now he's gone. Yeah, it's just one income now, but at least I'm not like having to pick up after this man or like it's one less mouth to feed at this point because he's gone.
00:13:26
Speaker
Think about it. Look at it. Think about it. Is it affecting your finances as well, being so male-centered? And then ultimately, when we look at everything from the macro level, there is a cultural shift happening.
00:13:43
Speaker
More people are choosing lives that look differently or look different from what is or has been the traditional like cultural norm.
Embracing Non-Traditional Lifestyles
00:13:52
Speaker
We're having non-traditional families. a lot of people are doing like chosen families.
00:13:57
Speaker
A lot of us, if we can, again, economics, solo living, a lot of child free living. Some people now are maybe co-parenting without the romance, you know?
00:14:09
Speaker
And i do think that as people are also grappling with this lack of community, I think we've had for such a long time, with this sort of loneliness that I think a lot of us are feeling, not just romantic loneliness, but I think also in terms of like family and friendship loneliness,
00:14:32
Speaker
And that now many people are starting to be much more intentional about building community and what that looks like for them and what's going to be healthiest for them. So the intentionality behind it is shifting.
00:14:45
Speaker
Ultimately, being single is becoming less of a problem nowadays and really more of a chapter of your life potentially that you really get to design.
00:14:59
Speaker
So let's name a few like checkpoints and questions, some things that you can do in order to, you know, really see if you are centering men in different aspects of your life or if you have done it in the past.
00:15:16
Speaker
So often we might have been the type of person who like auditioned for male attention. You know you want it to be, you want it to be accepted. You want to be, you know, like, am I cool enough? Am I chill enough?
00:15:29
Speaker
Pretty enough? Low maintenance enough?
00:15:33
Speaker
And when you're thinking about that, the relationship the relationship becomes a performance instead of a partnership. You are performing these things. You're being the cool girl, the cool girlfriend, the chill girlfriend instead of just being yourself.
00:15:51
Speaker
Then there's that like maybe kind of thing that we tend to do sometimes that you keep someone in your life who offers just enough to keep you hoping that there could be more.
00:16:04
Speaker
And then that's how you get situationships. Someone kind of just dragging you along. And you're just there hoping, accepting the crumbs that it'll lead to something more when it's not. It's just going lead to maybe them using you.
00:16:17
Speaker
There's also the like fix and prove thing that a lot of people do, a lot of women do, where you believe that if you are the one who communicates perfectly, if you love them hard enough, if you become better,
00:16:32
Speaker
then maybe somebody, someone will finally, you know, be the one. yu will You will finally meet your person. But the thing is, love isn't this like campaign that you need to run to convince somebody to be with you, to have a relationship with you. Like you're not out here trying to like fix yourself to such degree to please another person.
00:17:00
Speaker
I recognize that this is a like self-development healing type of platform that I do run. And it is important to heal and to grow and all those wonderful, beautiful things. But what is the intentionality behind it?
00:17:14
Speaker
Is it because there is some some pain that you do want to heal? is it because there is something that you genuinely see that you would like to improve about yourself?
00:17:26
Speaker
And it's coming from a place of self-love. Or is it coming from a place of this is wrong with me and therefore I need to fix it in order to be loved? Those are two very different things.
00:17:40
Speaker
Then there is also the script of I should be grateful. But then that keeps you trapped in bare minimum. It's like, oh, I should be grateful for this, but it's the bare minimum. Or I should be grateful that somebody even puts up with me. What is with that low self-worth we got going on down there? Okay.
00:17:55
Speaker
Why is there some low self-worth? Then there should be, I should just be grateful that somebody chose me. No, no, no, no, no. no That is not what we are here to do, okay?
00:18:06
Speaker
That is definitely going to be coming from some low self-worth, some low self-esteem, and that is then what we need to work on in order to find someone who's truly going to love and appreciate you.
00:18:20
Speaker
Gratitude is definitely a beautiful thing, but it shouldn't be used to negotiate away your own need. When it comes to de-centering men, it's not like you're taking something away.
00:18:38
Speaker
It kind of feels like that with like all the language around it. It feels like you're taking something away. But really, you're adding so much more to your life when you de-center men.
00:18:50
Speaker
So you're not necessarily going to have like a louder life. You're not necessarily going to be like a busier person. But life is just going to be bigger, more fulfilling, So what is it that you're reclaiming when you are de de-centering men?
Benefits of Decentering Men
00:19:06
Speaker
Time. So maybe evenings that aren't spent anxiously decoding a text message. There's money spent on your comfort, spent on your education, on your travel, on your home, on your health.
00:19:21
Speaker
Body autonomy. Movement and style for your own pleasure, not for approval. Ambition. So many women leave men that were dragging them down to excel further in their careers, to go on and excel in academia.
00:19:39
Speaker
And just think about how you are able to expand fully into yourself and into your potential when you're not focusing on external male validation.
00:19:52
Speaker
Friendship. Deeper, more consistent, more reciprocal friendships. Because how many times have maybe you been in a relationship and all your friends disappeared? Or maybe you're on the other side of it where you have a really cool friend and you're so close and you're like BFFs. And then she gets a boyfriend and then she just disappears until they break up and then she comes back into your life. And you're like, oh, yeah.
00:20:17
Speaker
The prodigal friend, how do you do? Let me comfort for you now. You know? So when you decenter men, that doesn't happen. You keep your friends even when you have a boyfriend.
00:20:28
Speaker
And of course, peace is also what you are getting when you decenter men, where you are able to then enter dating situations, enter relationships without having to feel like you need to shrink or you need to, you know, fight for this to become a relationship.
00:20:47
Speaker
And it's really the kind of peace that comes from you're no longer like negotiating the red flags. You're observing the red flags and being like, OK, this is not for me. you know, that piece.
00:21:00
Speaker
So essentially, single life, your singledom does not become like this crazy consolation prize. It's your home base, essentially. If anything, i do not like the term single life or like the single life because it's not single life, like you're waiting to be in a relationship.
00:21:19
Speaker
It's just your life. So if you think about it as like, oh, this is like my single life. I'm single right now. So what am I going to do with my single life? Girl, no. ah What are you going to do with your life?
00:21:34
Speaker
Plain and simple. And if you happen to meet a man that's going to be the one for you along the way, beautiful. But just go live your life.
00:21:45
Speaker
So if you take one thing away from this episode, let it be this. You are not behind if you are single. You are not incomplete if you are single.
00:21:56
Speaker
And you are not waiting for your life to start if you are single. You are actively living your life already. so keep working on if you are to de-center men and just to live your best life.
00:22:12
Speaker
Thank you for joining me today on the Grown With Soul podcast. If you made it this far, leave a little like comment or something, you know, in the comment section, leave a little like to the episode. And if you are not subscribed, definitely subscribe and share it out also with a friend who's reminding to hear this message.
00:22:29
Speaker
If you are looking for support this year, if you are wanting support in decent treatment, if that low self-worth, low self-esteem part really, you know, connected with you, you felt a little called out, that's what I do. i work with individuals who want to increase, improve, heal their self-worth and their self-esteem. So hit me up.
00:22:48
Speaker
You can schedule your very own discovery call with me through the link in the show notes. And until next time, keep growing.