Transcript
Speaker: Hello, beautiful soul, and welcome back to another installment of the Growing With Soul podcast, where we explore the moments and stories that shape who we're becoming. I'm Marisol, and this is where I love to have real conversations about growth, self-discovery, and learning to put yourself first.
Speaker: Whether we're diving into books that change our perspective or unpacking personal experiences that teach us something new, this podcast is for women who are done playing small and are ready to embrace their own journey.
Speaker: If you've struggled with putting everyone else first or battled self-doubt, you're in the right place. This isn't about perfection. It's about the messy, beautiful process of growing into yourself.
Speaker: So come grow with me.
Speaker: You are probably not going to want to hear this. You might even think this isn't going to apply to you. But it might. It just might. But people-pleasing is ruining your kids.
Speaker: Maybe you don't have kids. Maybe you don't have kids. But you are one to somebody. And perhaps this will shed light on your own people-pleasing journey. But if you have kids, people-pleasing...
Speaker: probably will ruin aspects of their own self-concept, self-worth, self-esteem, confidence, all of the above, bruv, all of it.
Speaker: Let me explain. But before I do, I do want to point out that this is the third installment in a people pleasing series that I've done. So if you are interested about how people pleasing is affecting your love life, your romantic life, how it can possibly be affecting your career and your finances, go check out the other two episodes where I did a bit of a deep dive into those specific connections.
Speaker: So what exactly do we already know about the negative effects and consequences of people pleasing? Quick little overview. It can lead to unfulfilling relationships, as we discussed before.
Speaker: You can end up feeling lonely, isolated. You're never truly vulnerable enough with someone. And you never really get your emotional needs met because you're constantly bending over backwards to do whatever it is that the other person needs instead of addressing your own needs.
Speaker: So again, overextending yourself personally, professionally, professionally, your work is going to suffer. and then naturally you're left with unmet needs and a lack of self-care all around, really.
Speaker: So if that is a quick overview of what people pleasing can lead to with the consequences of it, what does that mean for your kids
Speaker: Let's pause and really take a look at the behaviors of people-pleasing. And also recognize how a lot of children learn.
Speaker: They learn through observation. So even if you don't think your kid is paying attention... They are. They're noticing you. They're paying attention to what you're doing, what you're saying, how you're doing things, how you're saying things, what happens when you say and do certain things. and opinion They're paying attention to all of it.
Speaker: little bit of a a disclaimer, disclosure here. i have no children, okay? I am a dog mom solely at this point in my life. But like I mentioned earlier in the podcast, I am someone's child.
Speaker: um so generational trauma and curses and all those things. um So i do I do know what it's like. Okay, I know what it's like to have parents who have people-pleasing tendencies and behaviors. And I learned as an adult that clearly i was paying attention as a kid when I saw my parents doing and saying these things. So...
Speaker: Exhibit a of what it can look like. So what does it look like when it comes to people pleasing affecting your children? Again, as adults, as parents, we are constantly modeling behavior for our kids. So if you think they're not picking up on it, there are. If you think that for that one moment they're not paying attention, they are. They are learning interpersonal skills by observing you.
Speaker: And when you think about people pleasing, that is essentially an interpersonal skill. Is it the correct interpersonal skill? Is it the best strategy for healthy, loving, fulfilling relationships of all kinds? No, it is not. But it's one that you learned worked at a certain point in time in your life and it has stuck with you.
Speaker: So if you do not work on it you have not healed it, you are now raising your own children, operating from that same standpoint. This is what they're learning.
Speaker: Your behavior is essentially normalizing overextending yourself. It's normalizing putting everyone else first and putting your needs, your wants on the back burner constantly.
Speaker: So as adults, or simply as the children get older, this will look like, in them, lower levels of emotional awareness and emotional regulation.
Speaker: And as adults, nobody likes an adult tantrum. But if you don't have any emotional regulation, this can lead to that. What's another way that people pleasing can affect your children or your future children if you don't have any yet?
Speaker: Keeping toxic and potentially dangerous people people around. When it comes to people pleasing, it's especially those people that can be the hardest to get rid of.
Speaker: The people who are toxic, the people who are used to taking advantage of you, the people who know that you can't say no, that if they pressure you just a little bit you're going to give way.
Speaker: And these are the people who are constantly using you for your resources and keep coming around because they're benefiting ultimately, even though you were left depleted, drained, tired So if you are a people pleaser, chances are you were raised around some level of dysfunction.
Speaker: Those dysfunctional people, on top of that, those dysfunctional people in your family may even be abusive people. And quite frankly, these people don't deserve to stay in your life.
Speaker: Maybe you're not fully healed yet. And i I recognize that like family can be complicated. But when we are unable to set boundaries, because again, I'm not saying that in these situations you have to go no contact with these people. Again, family is complicated.
Speaker: So maybe it's not no contact, but it's limited contact. and That's something that can definitely be in place. I definitely have that in place. So...
Speaker: Limited contact, no contact, these are things that you can gauge for yourself may be appropriate in given situations with given members of your family, family, friends, whoever they may be. But if you have these dysfunctional people, potentially abusive people still around, coming around, now these people are around your children.
Speaker: And now they have the opportunity to cause harm. They can say something that'll stick with your kid forever. And now your kid will constantly have this like hang up, low self-esteem, lack of confidence or worse.
Speaker: And that is something that is, i think, incredibly important to think about and definitely something I think about, which I will get into in the Growing Pains segment.
Speaker: On top of that, when we look at what what it looks like within your children when they are now adopting these behaviors and also your parenting skills.
Speaker: Because we're seeing how it is when the the potential effect of you being a people pleaser, the people they're around, what that can be, the effects it's having. But how is it possibly affecting your parenting? Because it can.
Speaker: And the thing is, people pleasing in the parent has been linked to less present and sensitive parenting. So essentially, it's related to consistency, discipline. Essentially, there's inconsistent discipline and challenges in navigating conflict, as well as difficulty enforcing boundaries with your own child.
Speaker: And it makes sense, right? Like when it comes to people pleasing and people pleasing behaviors in other relationships that we have, like it it can lead to inconsistency because there is always...
Speaker: Our behaviors, our thoughts, our emotions, our choices as a people pleaser are often dependent upon an external factor, an external person instead of within our own alignment.
Speaker: On top of that, as a people pleaser, we can navigate conflict for shit. Like... Often we will do anything to avoid conflict, hence the people pleasing behavior and software we've been installed with, you know?
Speaker: So when it comes to conflict then and how you handle that with your kid, it's it's a skill you don't have yet. And even then, if you have conflict resolution as one of your skill sets, as a parent, I'm positive you're going to have to figure out how to do that with a child and how that will shift as the child gets older.
Speaker: But these things are skills that we need as parents to provide a safe and secure environment for our children. So it's definitely something to think about if you have been struggling with people pleasing your whole life and now have children. And maybe you're recognizing how some of this has been infiltrating your parenting and maybe your dynamic with your kids.
Speaker: Growing Pains is a new segment that I'm doing on the podcast where I talk about how i relate to and even struggle with the topic at hand. And like I've mentioned in the previous episodes, I am a recovered people pleaser. Okay. And even sometimes I'll be in a new situation and like the old software is like, this is how you're supposed to behave. And I'm like, oh no, I don't do that anymore. And it's a little like internal, like dialogue I have to have with myself still to this day, even though it's so much easier for me to be like, no, I think I'm done, you know, or communicate whatever any any boundary might be.
Speaker: But like I mentioned earlier in the episode, this particular topic is something that I think about a lot. And my parents definitely had, not so much anymore, but definitely had people-pleasing tendencies when I was a kid.
Speaker: And now as an adult, I can definitely see how it affected me. I can see where i learned the behavior from. Because when I think about my relationship with my parents, like, it's a good one.
Speaker: Like, I am so fortunate to have a good relationship with both of my parents. And i get along with them really well. They are a huge support to me in every capacity.
Speaker: And especially now that I have mochi, like, Without a doubt, there's like if if I or Mochi need anything, my parents are there to help out and they've helped me with Mochi significantly.
Speaker: So I'm very fortunate, again, to have a great relationship with my parents. At the same time, as somebody who has gone through a you know relatively intensive healing journey, you know as I've talked about in the past, part of me had to really look at myself to see what led me to the places that I had been, especially romantically, being in a emotionally abusive relationship.
Speaker: And what was it about me that allowed that to continue, especially early on when it's much easier to just end things. And I had to look at myself and be okay, low self-esteem, check.
Speaker: Low self-worth, apparently, check. um Oh, learning about people pleasing and being like, oh, I relate to this heavy. You know, i can see these behaviors and ways of thinking within myself. Why am I like this?
Speaker: And then talking about things in the past. um stories that my mom would share about things i didn't even remember, like things I have no memory of because I was so little.
Speaker: But when you hear these stories and how like things like this happened consistently over time, it's like, oh, like as a little kid, like I definitely must have been picking up on this. And how my mom was constantly bending over backwards as, you know, the only daughter in a Latina household, Latina household, you know?
Speaker: if you if you know, you know. Okay? If you know, you know. And how that ah way of being doesn't necessarily stop once you get older. I'm not going to go into too much detail because, again, these are my parents. So it's their story to tell whatever wish whatever they wish to eventually share if they do. But there was people-pleasing behavior from both of my parents with their families.
Speaker: And it's like, okay. Like, even though, like, my parents were good parents for me, they still exhibited these behaviors. And clearly, little Marisol was like, oh, let me let me pick up on this.
Speaker: And instill it into my brain. And well, there you go. it led me to, i mean, obviously, I thought the only thing that led to a completely unhealthy relationship, there are other factors, you know, i wasn't like living in a vacuum, but it contributed clearly to that. yeah.
Speaker: I definitely recognize how important it is to work on oneself because ultimately this is how generational trauma works. We observe how previous generations behave, how they deal with things. We...
Speaker: take on a lot of the trauma of our you know mothers, fathers, grandparents, the family in general. And we kind of just keep it going through us because this is the behavior that we have seen throughout our lives.
Speaker: So it takes conscious effort to heal in any capacity, but especially now as someone who has gone through a lot of healing and thinks about things,
Speaker: more intentionally, this is definitely something that i think about. And that if I ever do have children, then this is a generational curse.
Speaker: I want to have broken. And like I mentioned, there are points and times and situations where like that people pleasing gene, so to speak, rears its ugly head and I'm to have to like talk to myself and be like, no, I don't do that anymore.
Speaker: And then I relay the boundary or I say what I'm really thinking in a kind way. i can still be kind and polite and respectful and set a boundary and say what I'm thinking, you know? But we all got to heal if you are thinking about having kids, if you have kids and people pleasing is something that you have dealt with in life.
Speaker: Definitely look into healing that so that you can break that generational curse because maybe you saw it exhibited by your parents as well. So if you take one thing away from this episode, let it be this.
Speaker: Your healing is not only important for your own quality of life and relationships, but also for that of your current or future children. Healing isn't easy, but it's worth all of the effort.
Speaker: Thank you for tuning in today. i definitely appreciate you. If this episode resonated with you, don't forget to subscribe and to share it out with maybe another people pleaser who could really use the message. Or if you have a friend like me who had parents who were people pleasers, they might find some comfort in knowing we're out here healing too.
Speaker: Additionally, if you would like some support on your healing journey, I am a certified life coach and I am accepting clients. And you can schedule your very own discovery call me through the link in the show notes. Until next time, keep growing.
