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People Pleasing in Your Love Life: How It's Sabotaging Your Relationships
17 Plays3 days ago
People pleasing in your love life is ruining your relationships, whether you're dating or in a committed partnership. If people pleasing has been ruining your life, I guarantee it's affecting your love life too. I've both experienced and witnessed how people pleasing leads down a path of feeling unloved and unfulfilled relationships.
In the dating stage, people pleasers ask the wrong questions:
- Does he like me instead of do I like him, are they right for me
- You accept low and minimal effort because low self-worth has you feeling undeserving
- Minor red flags and small transgressions become the foundation of disrespect later
I was a people pleaser with low self-worth and ended up in an emotionally abusive relationship. It led to years of depression and CPTSD. But healing is possible. I'm now a healed people pleaser in healthy relationships.
Subscribe. Share. Remember that healing people pleasing is possible and you deserve to be truly loved and cherished.
Small steps, big healing. Keep growing! ✨
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Transcript
Introduction to Growing With Soul Podcast
00:00:00
Speaker
Hello, beautiful soul, and welcome back to the Growing With Soul podcast, where we explore the moments and stories that shape who we're becoming. I'm Marisol, and this is where I love to have real conversations about growth, self-discovery, and learning to put yourself first.
00:00:15
Speaker
Whether we're diving into books that change our perspective or unpacking personal experiences that teach us something new, this podcast is for women who are done playing small and are ready to embrace their own journey.
00:00:27
Speaker
If you've struggled with putting everybody else first, or battled self-doubt, then you're in the right place. This isn't about perfection. It's about the messy, beautiful process of growing it into yourself.
00:00:38
Speaker
So come grow with me.
Impact of People-Pleasing on Personal and Love Life
00:00:42
Speaker
Is people-pleasing ruining your life? Has it already ruined your life? Like maybe you've you've done that already and now you're in the after effects.
00:00:54
Speaker
Because if it is ruining your life, I bet it's ruining your love life too. I have both experienced and witnessed how people-pleasing leads you down a path of feeling unloved and also just an unfulfilling life.
00:01:14
Speaker
In this episode, I'm going to be focusing on our love lives because that is but I feel partially in the zeitgeist, but also it's such an important part of so many of our lives.
00:01:28
Speaker
Whether we have a love life, whether we don't have a love life, whether we want one, whether we don't want one, it's something that we all think about. And if you are historically or currently a people pleaser, you can't extrapolate that from who you are when you're dating or in a relationship.
00:01:46
Speaker
It's something that if you're aware of it, you must contend with. Or if you're not aware of it, then you're going to suffer from it. So in the dating stage, what exactly does people pleasing foster? What does it bring about? What are you going to be experiencing when you're just getting to know someone? You've just started dating them and you're trying to figure out, do I like this person? Are they right for me?
00:02:16
Speaker
Are you even thinking those things if you're a people pleaser? Probably not. One, you're probably thinking, does he like me? Am I right for him? is this going to work out? Is somebody finally going to choose me?
00:02:30
Speaker
That's probably what you're thinking if you're a people pleaser and you're dating. What that then looks like in terms of what you are experiencing in the dating realm, you are accepting low and minimal effort.
00:02:44
Speaker
Because as we've talked about many times before, people pleasing comes from a wounded place. It comes from a place of low self-worth, low self-esteem, a place of feeling undeserving often.
00:03:00
Speaker
and when we feel that way, when we feel like we're not worthy of certain things, when we feel like we are undeserving, then when someone does the bare minimum or less than the bare minimum, but they do something, then we accept it.
00:03:20
Speaker
We think, oh, that's great. Like, awesome. Like, he showed up. Doesn't matter if he's 30 minutes late, an hour late. At least he got here. He's still taking the time out of the day to come see me and spend time with me and get to know me.
00:03:34
Speaker
We accept 50-50 on a first date. Some people are all for it. I am not a proponent of that at all. But, you know, whatever the equivalent might be for you of somebody doing the low and minimal effort type of things, like that kind of stuff, someone just showing up or someone making excuses all the time and showing up inconsistently.
00:03:57
Speaker
But when they do show up, you're like, oh, perfect. That's great. This is exactly what I want. When it's not, it's not what you want at all. Speaking of being inconsistent, When we are people pleasers and we are dating, we tend to stay after multiple poor red flags or like minor transgressions.
Identifying Red Flags and Disrespect in Relationships
00:04:20
Speaker
So... It might be staying after i feel like the the one that i see I hear about a lot online now is men asking, what do you bring to the table? I swear to God, if I'm on a date and this fool asked me, what do I bring to the table? i was like, nothing.
00:04:37
Speaker
and I leave. Like, that's going be my response. of well Sir, no, no. If somebody ever asks you that, you walk away. Okay?
00:04:48
Speaker
leave. You walk away.
00:04:53
Speaker
Anyway, they give you like a minor transgression like that. They say something that or like nagging. That's a thing that men like to do on dates, which is just like, how am I supposed to like you you're being mean to me?
00:05:07
Speaker
But it's something that happens and it's a small thing. It's a passing comment. It's just a simple question.
00:05:18
Speaker
It's maybe a joke. And you stay because it's a little thing. It's just something he said. He was just making a joke and it fell flat.
00:05:28
Speaker
You know, like, you know, it wasn't funny or like maybe it's just not my sense of humor, but like he was just being funny.
00:05:37
Speaker
Little red flags, little transgressions, and you still stay. Not even just that you stay, but in the act of staying, you are ignoring your own self. You are ignoring your own feelings to potentially find someone who will choose you, to not upset the other person, to maybe...
00:05:57
Speaker
Keep the peace, even though the peace isn't worth keeping, especially so early on. There's no peace to be kept to that early. Like if someone doesn't vibe with you for whatever reason, if you're just dating, it's easy to be like, this isn't working for me.
00:06:13
Speaker
Bye, have a nice life. I mean, you don't say that, but like, you know what I mean? If it's just a date, you can up and leave at any moment. um But those are some examples of what people pleasing can do in the very early stages of getting to know somebody and dating.
00:06:28
Speaker
You are... Sort of, well not sort of, but you are ignoring how you feel when he says or does certain things. And then also setting yourself up for future pain, essentially. Which is exactly what we're going to get into.
00:06:45
Speaker
People pleasing in a relationship. So you make it past the dating stage. This person, he chose you. Finally, somebody chose you.
00:06:57
Speaker
Now what? Somebody has found you to be lovable and you're excited and you're happy. Somebody's finally going to love you. i understand the excitement. I really do.
00:07:09
Speaker
However, when we've operated in the dating stage with that people-pleasing software and we've ignored the red flags, we've ignored the minor transgressions, we've ignored how we felt and when we've been upset by certain things, what is it now that we're going to deal with When we've essentially signaled to this person that like, hey, all those things are okay. one you end up with the wrong person.
00:07:36
Speaker
Plain and simple. You end up with the wrong person. Like, is this person even right for you? Is somebody who's going to be nagging you the right person for you?
00:07:49
Speaker
Probably not. But here you are. That's okay. That's okay. Relationships can always end. They can always end, okay? But before that part, we've ended up with the wrong person because we've people-pleased, and now we're in a relationship with them.
00:08:07
Speaker
In said relationship, we tend to accept bad treatment. Often that is various forms of disrespect.
00:08:18
Speaker
Because if you think about it, somebody... Saying a quote unquote joke at your expense is disrespectful. It might have been minor. It might have been a small thing. It might have been like a passing comment.
00:08:33
Speaker
It was small, tiny little baby joke. yeah But it's still disrespectful. But since it was so small in the beginning, we let it slide.
00:08:44
Speaker
In a relationship, what does that disrespect look like? Not being listened to, essentially being ignored. That could be your emotions when you're upset, maybe things that you need, maybe things around the house if you live together, things that will benefit you.
00:08:57
Speaker
I just saw a TikTok. of a woman talking about a previous relationship of hers. And she works for herself and her then boyfriend and herself.
00:09:09
Speaker
And I think his kids are all going to go on vacation somewhere on a trip. And she was like, hey, when you make plans with you know your cousin or whoever it was they were going to go on the trip with, like let me know what the plan is for that day that we're supposed to leave so that I can plan my work accordingly. Maybe that morning I can go to the gym. Maybe that morning I can get a massage. But just like let me know what the plan is.
00:09:30
Speaker
So I can plan my work and my day accordingly. He never got back to her. Never even made a plan. And literally day of was like, hey, so the plan is we're leaving in 30 minutes. Do you know how I would crash the fuck out?
00:09:46
Speaker
If... I would crash the fuck out. We're leaving in 30 minutes. You're leaving in 30 minutes. I'm staying home. I'm not going anywhere. You want me to pack everything I need in 30 minutes?
00:09:58
Speaker
Am I showered? No, probably not. i don't I don't know what time it is, but like, am I ready to go? No. No. See, I am not, like, I am not a super type A person. At the same time, i still need to know what the plan is ahead of time.
00:10:13
Speaker
I need a loose itinerary. Okay? Okay. I do. And my friends do make fun one of my friends really made fun of me because he was just like, you can't hang out with Mari unless you plan it like a week in advance. And it's like, yes, you want to see me get on my calendar.
00:10:28
Speaker
i mean, my my close friends, it's not that bad. Like my friend could hit me up today and be like, hey, let's hang out today. be like, yeah, sure. No problem. But like, especially in a dating situation, get on my calendar, please.
00:10:42
Speaker
Anyway, anyway, all that to say, since her work and how she plans her work and her life and things like that, maybe getting a massage that morning or going to the gym that morning was extremely important to her.
00:10:55
Speaker
But like she said in the video, it wasn't important to him. and therefore, he didn't prioritize it. I would venture to say that it wasn't important that she wasn't important to him.
00:11:10
Speaker
her work and her life experience and everything that's important to her wasn't important to him. And therefore, he did not take her into consideration after she expressed that need and that desire.
00:11:27
Speaker
And now I'm not saying that she was a people pleaser. That's what got her into that relationship. I literally just saw one TikTok. But I do think that's a really good example of What could possibly happen when you end up with someone who has maybe done, again, minor transgressions of disrespect that were like, oh, that's not a big deal. You know, there was just a miscommunication there.
00:11:50
Speaker
We create an excuse for it in the early stages. And then later on, we have a larger disrespect like that. Another way that that can happen is never being helped around the house.
Cultural Norms and Household Responsibilities
00:12:05
Speaker
I'd say that's a huge one because that does, it's a a difficult one because culturally it's so ingrained in all of our minds, like us women as well, that we are the ones who take care of the home, even though we're also the ones who are working full time and then eventually potentially taking care of the children.
00:12:25
Speaker
and then it's like, now we're doing three jobs, working full time, cleaning the home, taking care of the kids while the man just gets to go to work and go to the gym. So it's it's difficult because it's in our minds as it well as as well as in theirs.
00:12:40
Speaker
But even after we express the need for help, the need for assistance, or even if maybe we enter into the situation with this is how we're going to do things and split things, eventually, as I've heard women complain, the male partner just stops helping out little by little.
00:13:06
Speaker
To get a little bit darker when it comes to the effects of people pleasing in a relationship, that can also be the start of an abusive relationship, whether that's emotionally or physically.
People-Pleasing and Its Consequences
00:13:21
Speaker
Because you can talk to so many women who have been abusive relationships of a variety of kinds, and so often they will tell you, he wasn't always like this.
00:13:34
Speaker
Because it starts off small.
00:13:39
Speaker
It starts off undetectable, perhaps, to some of us, especially those of us who are wounded and are learning to interact or maybe don't even know what a healthy relationship looks like. We see someone who treats us a little bit better or better than before or better than what what we saw growing up and we're like, this is great.
00:13:56
Speaker
This is exactly what I've been wanting. When really that nugget of abuse is there. We just don't recognize it until it's in our faces.
00:14:10
Speaker
So that is one way, or at least a darker way, of how people pleasing can affect your love life. And you can end up in that type of situation, unfortunately.
00:14:24
Speaker
Growing Pains is a new segment that I'm doing on the podcast where I talk about where I've struggled with the topic at hand, essentially. um As I've mentioned many times on this podcast alone, i am a former people pleaser.
00:14:40
Speaker
i used to I was like my my like internal software, my guiding like form of operating for the most part. And i've definitely have experienced that underlying low self-worth, low self-esteem that often accompanies it.
00:14:57
Speaker
And eventually, i did end up in an emotionally abusive relationship. And like I just mentioned, like I can recall talking to my sister once it was over and being like, he wasn't always like this.
00:15:12
Speaker
was like, i found myself saying those exact same words. But when I think back to the beginning of that relationship, I can recall
00:15:25
Speaker
moments where he made little comments that I was just like, hmm. You know, like that was odd, but whatever. like, oh, maybe it was a miscommunication. Or like, oh, he didn't really mean that.
00:15:37
Speaker
They always mean it. Or like, yeah, it was just a joke. And some of them were even like seemingly innocent comments or actions. But there was always this like accompanied tinge of condescension that I chose to ignore at the time.
00:15:58
Speaker
And then eventually, like in my situation, and that led to, once the relationship was over, led to years of dealing with depression and CPTSD. So...
00:16:10
Speaker
so rough life for me in that regard. But that is all to say, like, is that only because of people pleasing that led me there? No, because I did also to mention that I had low self-worth, low self-esteem.
00:16:22
Speaker
Like there was there was a mix of things going on. But people pleasing was a huge component of it because that was how often i operated. And what book did I read recently?
00:16:37
Speaker
was it, oh, I can't remember the name of it. There was a book that I, oh, It Begins With You by Jillian Tarecki. I'm pretty sure it was that one. Because she did also talk about how she ended up in essentially an emotionally abusive relationship.
00:16:49
Speaker
And she mentioned how like she struggled with similar things, but that nobody had ever beffuted ah nobody had ever abused her before she got with the man she eventually married her ex-husband And like that just, that like, it just stood out to me when I read it because i was like, yeah, like I always struggled with low self-esteem.
00:17:14
Speaker
the people pleasing was there, but I never really had negative experience like that because I was usually around people that truly loved and cared for me and were good people until I met someone who wasn't, you know?
00:17:33
Speaker
So all that to say, in terms of growing pains, I experienced something similar. i am essentially a healed people pleaser. And now I am in a better situation to have healthy relationships all around.
Path to Healing and Self-Worth
00:17:49
Speaker
So if you have struggled with people pleasing, are currently healing from it, or are like me sort of on the other end of it now, you probably do relate to this. And If you are currently still struggling with it, please know that it is possible to heal from. You can build up your self-worth and your self-esteem and your confidence and build up that self-love. It is definitely possible. It is not an easy process, but you are worth the process and worth the work.
00:18:21
Speaker
And if you take one thing from this episode, please let it be this. If you are still operating with that people-pleasing software, you end up experiencing a life where you are never truly loved or cherished or liked by your partner.
00:18:39
Speaker
And that is a very scary thing to contend with. So I do encourage you to work on your people pleasing, work on the wound even beneath that, that is leading you to operate in such a way.
00:18:55
Speaker
Because like I just said, you are worth the work. You are lovable. You are likable. and it's just a matter of you truly believing that for yourself as well.
Conclusion and Call to Action
00:19:07
Speaker
Thank you for tuning in today to the Grow With Soul podcast. If this episode resonated with you, give it a like and don't forget to subscribe and also share it out. It helps other people hear the message that they might need to hear.
00:19:20
Speaker
If you are looking for support in your own journey and building confidence and self-esteem, I am a certified life coach and I do specialize in that specifically. So definitely feel free to reach out to me and schedule your very own discovery call with me through the link in the show notes.
00:19:34
Speaker
Until next time, keep growing.