Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
Don't Learn This the Hard Way: Jillian Turecki's It Begins with You
18 Plays18 days ago
When I picked up Jillian Turecki's "It Begins with You," I kept thinking: where was this book 12 years ago? I had to learn these dating lessons the hard way - depression, CPTSD, the whole mess. Zero out of 10, do not recommend learning it that way.
The book breaks down 9 hard truths about dating and relationships:
- The mind is a battlefield - limiting beliefs like "my type's not my type" block you from finding someone and showing up fully
- Knowing theory versus embodying knowledge - revisiting concepts when you're healed (not in crisis) is when they actually sink in
- Learn from other people's mistakes through client stories and journaling prompts instead of living through the pain yourself
I've been single for a thousand years at this point. I get hit on once every three business years. People have called me intimidating my whole life (I just have resting bitch face). And I feel behind sometimes because I rarely get to practice these relationship skills. But that's exactly why books like this matter - you can learn before you need it.
Subscribe. Share. Remember that other people's hard-earned lessons can save you years of heartbreak.
Small steps, big healing. Keep growing! ✨
Join the conversation! Have you read "It Begins with You"? DM me on Instagram @YourCoachMari!
📚 It Begins with You by Jillian Turecki
💬 LET'S CONNECT:
Instagram | TikTok | Growing with Sol Podcast
We might just have the same taste in books Check out my Book List (Bookshop affiliate)
🌱 LET’S GROW TOGETHER: Schedule your discovery call
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction to 'Growing With Soul'
00:00:01
Speaker
Hello beautiful souls and welcome to another installment of the Growing With Soul podcast where we explore the moments and stories that shape who we're becoming. I'm Marisol and this is where I love to have real conversations about growth, self-discovery and learning to put yourself first.
00:00:18
Speaker
Whether we're diving into books that change our perspective or unpacking personal experiences that teach us something new, this podcast is for women who are done playing small and ready to embrace their own journey.
00:00:30
Speaker
If you've struggled with putting everyone else first or battled self-doubt, this podcast is where you need to be. This isn't about perfection. It's about the messy, beautiful process of growing into yourself. So come grow it with me.
00:00:45
Speaker
In today's
The Journey of Dating and Relationships
00:00:46
Speaker
episode, we're going to be talking about something that affects pretty much all of us, most of us, and that is dating and relationships.
00:00:57
Speaker
I know I don't talk about dating often. I am not a dating coach, so I tend to not... not talk about the like before part of relationships. I tend to talk about the after, you know, the breakup, the healing, the growing, the learning and the lessons after the relationship.
00:01:16
Speaker
But as someone who has been single for a thousand years at this point and is interested in having a healthy relationship one day,
00:01:27
Speaker
Over the rainbow, far, far away, it feels like. I think it is pretty important to at least touch on the subject. And I know that when I do talk about dating, you guys really seem to like pay attention and yeah you want to talk about it too. You want to hear about it, see what you can do.
00:01:45
Speaker
And Ultimately, when we look at dating and relationships from like the aftermath, the like afterwards, what is it that we're thinking about? We're thinking about what are the lessons learned? We're thinking about what did I do wrong? What did the other person do wrong? What worked? What didn't work?
00:02:03
Speaker
So that the next time it can be a relationship that works and is healthy and everything that we're looking for. so There is a bridge there where we sort of like bridge the gap and go from lessons learned to really being intentional about dating and truly understanding what we as individuals need to do so that we can foster and co-create a healthy relationship.
Insights from 'It Begins With You'
00:02:34
Speaker
So within the last, oh my God, if you've been here for a while, then you know that I definitely struggle with nonfiction books. I am an avid reader. I love to read so much, but...
00:02:48
Speaker
Apparently, if I am not on a deadline for a class discussion, reading nonfiction does just does not seem to happen. As much as I may appreciate and value the book, I just, when I put it down, I don't want to pick it up again. It's like, how why why do you want me to read about dating when I could be reading about dragons?
00:03:09
Speaker
Okay, that's that that's that's my issue. But I started reading... It Begins With You by Jillian Tarecki back in November. i have finally finished it like two weeks ago and it's April now. oh but But it was a valuable book. It was definitely valuable. It was a really good read, thought provoking.
00:03:29
Speaker
And Jillian Tarecki is a dating and relationship coach. And this book definitely grapples with what I was just talking about. It grapples with that question of,
00:03:41
Speaker
What is it that you're doing? What is it that you're doing and healing and thinking about that is contributing to the beautiful, wonderfulness of your relationship or not so much the beautiful, wonderfulness of your relationship?
00:03:53
Speaker
Because it's one thing to Find that person that you've been searching for and that person that you're attracted to.
00:04:06
Speaker
And it's completely another to show up fully and to put in the work to maintain a healthy relationship. So, It Begins With You by Jillian Tarecki. It was a really good read. And I'm not going to do an entire like deep dive analysis of it because but if you're interested, definitely read the book. But I'm going to talk about some key elements and how the book is structured. i think how it's structured is very helpful for someone who is looking to learn and heal and also learn how to
00:04:46
Speaker
show up and figure out what you want and what works for you in relationships and dating. So she divides the book into different like wisdom, essentially nine hard truths that we all need to learn. And the beautiful thing is that even though these are nine truths, the effect, the impact it's going to have on each and every single one of us is going to be unique to our experiences.
00:05:13
Speaker
So essentially, these nine rules are a like really the guidelines anyway. ah parts of the Caribbean reference, if you didn't catch that. But they are guidelines that essentially we all must accept so that we can create and have the healthy relationships that we deserve.
Understanding Healthy Relationship Rules
00:05:35
Speaker
Now I'm going to list them out so you can hear them out. I think they are I mean, ultimately, i i think they're basic rules that we all might be familiar with, might might have heard of, might have learned our own on our own the hard way.
00:05:53
Speaker
Raise your hand because I definitely did. But the rules are, it begins with you. The mind is a battlefield. Lust is not the same as love. You have to love yourself.
00:06:05
Speaker
You must speak up and tell the truth. You need to be your best self. You cannot convince someone to love you. No one is coming to save you.
00:06:16
Speaker
And you must make peace with your parents. Now you might be thinking, i knew some of those already. And to that I say, Do you really? Do you?
00:06:30
Speaker
Because i was on like i was in that boat. If you follow me on Instagram and on TikTok, when I was reading the book in the very beginning, i definitely talked about this. Because there were some some of these things that I was reading in this book, I was just like, oh my God, where was this book like 12 years ago? but Because like i had to learn a lot of these the hard way.
00:06:54
Speaker
And learning it the hard way for me led to depression and CPTSD. So if you don't have to learn these the hard way, please don't. i so Zero out of 10, recommend learning it the hard way. um But as much as I had already learned some of these already through my own lived experience, it was extremely beneficial revisiting these concepts, revisiting these guidelines,
00:07:24
Speaker
And thinking about them again, especially now that I am in a much more positive mental space and in a space where I am ready to date, thinking about it now was very beneficial in that regard. And on top of that, I was able to think about it again deeply and to sit with these things instead of just like, oh, shit, I just learned some things.
00:07:50
Speaker
crazy thing about life. Let me sit down for a second, catch a breather. i was able to, in a peaceful way, sit with the concepts and explore. Essentially, what I'm saying here is it's one thing to like know the theory and it's another the thing to embody the knowledge.
00:08:10
Speaker
And that's what this book does. Because again, with the structure, i really appreciate how Tareki went and discussed the concept, introduced an experience she had with a client or multiple clients who were experiencing the struggle with that given rule and then how they were able to overcome that challenge that they were having and truly embody the knowledge that is within these rules when it comes to dating.
00:08:39
Speaker
and With that, as the reader, you are taking in their experience so you can learn from someone else's experience. And also Tureki provides journaling prompts in every single chapter where you can sit with it and cry. Essentially, if you're like me, if you're a Cancer like me, you can sit with these journaling prompts and cry a little bit as you are writing in the answers out and remembering your own experiences and what you would like to be different.
00:09:11
Speaker
now in the present moment or in the future. So in terms of like what really stood out for me, because there were a lot of things that did, but what really caught my attention was the the second rule, which is one of the ones where I was like, yes, I am very aware of this. I know.
00:09:32
Speaker
but One that I still kind of grapple with, but, but you know, it really, it stuck with me because it's so true.
00:09:44
Speaker
That is, the mind is a battlefield. And within that, it is mostly focusing on the stories that we have around dating, around ourselves, the limiting beliefs, the negative beliefs that we have, the negative self-talk.
00:09:57
Speaker
different triggers that we might have, and how they impact how we show up, how they can hold us back and make relationships difficult.
00:10:10
Speaker
You know, there's only... There's only so much I would say that our partners are able to do in terms of assisting us and helping us work through some certain things.
00:10:21
Speaker
And it's the same thing for us. Like if our partner is going through something difficult, there's only so much we can do in order to help them at a certain point. Like go to therapy, bro. You know, you got, you got to go to therapy. You got to get a coach, something.
00:10:33
Speaker
You got to, you got to, you got to learn how to help yourself. And that's kind of what this was talking about because we very like If we have a limiting belief around dating, like what I hear a lot, it's like my type, like I'm not my type's type is one that I hear that I've heard one that I've said in the past. And it's just like, well, that's just like this self-defeating prophecy, your self-fulfilling prophecy, this like self-defeating way of approaching dating where it's like the people you're attracted to are never going to be attracted to you back essentially.
00:11:07
Speaker
Like how ridiculous. There are like so many people in this world. Like obviously you're going to find someone that you're attracted to who's also attracted to you. That is a superficial one, but an example of what I'm talking about of having like a limiting belief that might get in the way or a limiting belief that we hear often is like, you know, all the good men are taken or one that I used to hear a lot growing up was like all the good men are either taken or gay or something like that. I don't hear that one anymore, but it's one that I used to hear a lot growing up and as a teenager. So these stories, these negative beliefs can definitely hold us back from truly finding someone. And what can also happen is that once you do find someone, if you have this negative belief, this negative self-talk, or whatever story that might get in the way, it can hinder the growth of something beautiful, something sustainable, something healthy.
00:12:04
Speaker
Because if you're not able to work through this, then you're not able to fully show up as your best self, which is one of the following rules as well.
00:12:15
Speaker
Now, if you struggle with negative self-talk, if you have you know, limiting beliefs, triggers that you are still working through and working to heal from.
Personal Challenges and Growth in Relationships
00:12:27
Speaker
And if you add that, you add that to being an overthinker, this one's going to be tough. And I say that because I too am an overthinker. So I definitely commiserate with you if you are, but it is something to be worked through. And I do want to emphasize that when it comes to dating and definitely relationships in general, it's it's a nuanced thing.
00:12:54
Speaker
Like relationships, unfortunately, are not black and white. So It's important that when you are working through these things, you are fully understanding and recognizing the context within which you are operating.
00:13:10
Speaker
Because one thing I've learned, especially if you're dealing with triggers, is that just because you are experiencing something that feels similar, it doesn't mean it's the same situation.
00:13:25
Speaker
Because you're dealing with somebody new, potentially somebody who is healed and healthy. And your body's just like, this feels familiar, run, when really you're not in danger.
00:13:38
Speaker
So Growing Pains is a new segment on the podcast where I talk about where I'm struggling with something that is related to the topic at hand. And, you know, I am a certified life coach. I help individuals with self-esteem and confidence and boundaries and so many other wonderful things.
00:13:56
Speaker
But I too am human and I am healing and working on plenty of things myself. When it comes to dating and relationships, like I mentioned, I've been single for a thousand years and all of this stuff is something that I still very much am practicing and actively learning from.
00:14:19
Speaker
And that is honestly one of the challenges that I have. Part of my growing pains, probably part of my like stories and limiting beliefs potentially is that It all takes practice.
00:14:33
Speaker
And I'm rarely in a situation to practice these things. Like I've, I've never been the type of person who's like dated a lot. I've never really been the type of person who would go from relationship to relationship.
00:14:49
Speaker
Naturally, since I've never really dated a lot. i I know I don't, I don't have too much like I don't have a lot of X's, okay, I guess would be the way to say it. But with that being said, like, I also rarely get hit on.
00:15:02
Speaker
Like, I always joke that I get hit on, like, once every three business years. Like, you know? and I don't know what it is. People say, people, my entire life, people have said that I'm intimidating. And it's like, I just exist, bro.
00:15:18
Speaker
Especially when I was in high school, people would be like, you're so intimidating. I'm like, no, I'm just quiet. And I don't, i don't know, I'm quiet and i have a resting bitch face. Like, I don't know. i don't know what people find me intimidating, but people have said it practically my entire life.
00:15:33
Speaker
So maybe whatever that is is, what's getting in the way. It makes me unapproachable. But um so that is something that i have a challenge with is practicing a lot of these things because it is it is difficult because like I mentioned, there's nine like guidelines and rules and then having to fully embody all of them is a lot of work And some of them i have, you know, a better grasp on than others.
00:16:04
Speaker
But the practice part can be a little bit difficult. But with that experience, like sometimes I also definitely feel like I am behind, delayed. people like I've seen people on TikTok talk about being like a late bloomer when it comes to dating and relationships. And i don't think i fall I don't think I fall under that category. But I can...
00:16:25
Speaker
i don't know, like empathize, I suppose, because sometimes I definitely feel like there are things that I am still learning that other people in my age group have already learned and embodied by now. And I'm i'm still working on it.
Recommendations and Services
00:16:44
Speaker
Ultimately, i definitely found this book to be extremely helpful helpful.
00:16:51
Speaker
If you are definitely younger, say you're in your twenty s maybe even like early 30s, you have the opportunity to learn some of these things through other people's lived experiences and not having to go through hardship on your own.
00:17:08
Speaker
Definitely take advantage of that and pick up this book. Because again, I had to learn a lot of these the hard way not fun, but I guess an effective method. Yeah. But definitely if you want to think about these things a little bit more deeply, if you are looking to finally find your person and create a healthy relationship and co-create a healthy relationship, because I do want to emphasize it takes two people to have a healthy relationship. You can't be the only one constantly showing up at your fullest. You both have to. Then definitely check out It Begins With You by Jillian Turecki.
00:17:46
Speaker
I have linked to the book in the show notes. So definitely go ahead and click there to get it as quickly as possible if you want to start reading it sooner than later. But also, if that's not something that's in your budget right now, check out your local library and get it from there as well.
00:18:02
Speaker
If you have enjoyed this episode, if you've been enjoying the podcast, definitely leave a little five-star review because it helps the podcast grow and get it to the right people who also need to hear this message.
00:18:15
Speaker
If you are looking for support in 2026, I am a certified life coach and I am accepting clients. So you can schedule your very own discovery call through the link in the show notes.
00:18:26
Speaker
And until next time, keep growing.