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Raising Girls in the Modern Society {Episode 44}
104 Plays5 years ago
As a companion episode to last week's talk on raising boys, we're chatting about girls and all the wonderful, scary things involved in raising them!
Being parents to girls means dealing with dresses, dollies, periods, emotions, dating and preparing for motherhood. It's a lot! But we've got your back on this wild adventure and invite you to discuss how we can all best serve our amazing, beautiful daughters!
The Care and Keeping of You (Book 1)
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Transcript
Introduction to Raising Girls
00:00:00
Speaker
Hey, hey, hey, welcome back to Outnumber the Podcast. We are on episode number 44, and today is a follow-up from last week's episode on Raising Boys. As you can imagine, we are going to be talking about all things sugar and spice and everything nice that is Raising Girls.
Meet the Hosts: Homeschooling Moms of Many
00:00:23
Speaker
Hello and welcome to Outnumber the Podcast. I'm Bonnie. And I'm Audrey. And we're homeschooling moms to a combined total of 18 children. We know firsthand that motherhood is full of crazy chaos and overwhelming obligations, but it should also be full of love and laughter. Regardless of where you are on your journey, come join us as we work together to find joy in the chaos of motherhood.
The Three Hobbies: Money, Fitness, Creativity
00:00:48
Speaker
Okay, so we're going to every once in a while share a quote with you or a mom hack or something just a little bit different to mix it up. And today's quote is from Sarah Blake Lee on Instagram. And Bonnie shared this quote the other day on her stories and I just loved it so much that I wanted to read it aloud to everybody else.
00:01:07
Speaker
It says, find three hobbies you love, one to make you money, one to keep you in shape, and one to be creative. Isn't that awesome? I mean, like, what more could we need? A hobby is something you do that you enjoy. And if your hobby was also making you money and keeping you in shape and filling your creative needs, I mean, like, perfect, right?
00:01:30
Speaker
Yes, totally. And I have noticed that the hobbies that I, I'm not, I don't think that it was my intention to pick hobbies that did those things, but I do have three hobbies that, that bring me all those things and. Okay. What are your three? When I do them. Oh, okay. Okay. Well.
00:01:46
Speaker
The money is my businesses. They're definitely hobbies. Like last night my kid wouldn't sleep and every time I put him back down and went back to bed, my mind is just running with all these ideas. So it's really fun to have a business that you love. I love to run. That is my in shape hobby. I can always do it when I'm largely pregnant, but whenever I can, I do it. And then my creativity is sewing, obviously, because I love sewing. I'm guessing that's your creative one too. Yeah, that would be my creative one too, definitely.
00:02:13
Speaker
I don't know. I'll have to think about what I have for the other two. I really enjoy yoga. I really enjoy it, but I don't know if I would say it's a hobby. If I enjoyed hiking, for example, that would be a really cool hobby that kept me in shape. I do enjoy hiking, but living in the flat Midwest, I don't know. You just don't do much of it. It's not like where I grew up in Montana, where there's mountains and you go hiking. That's awesome. Well, wait. Do you have stairs in your house? Oh, yeah.
00:02:42
Speaker
There's your hike. Done. Hauling laundry upstairs. There's your hobby that keeps you in shape. Okay, so what about money? Your businesses? That's what you're saying? Yeah, I think so. Yeah, I think that it's not making me enough money yet to be a business, so we're still going to call it a hobby. There you go. Yeah, Project Run and Play is my hobby right now. Yeah, perfect.
Humor in Parenting: A Church Story
00:03:04
Speaker
Okay, so for a humor segment, I just want to share something funny that happened to me at church this last week. Okay, you guys, within about the first 20 minutes of church,
00:03:12
Speaker
three different kids had said pretty much every bad word we know and taken the Lord's name in vain. So it was pretty fun, but the one that made us giggle the most. So we walk into church. There's already half the family sitting on the pew and my little two-year-old walks in, goes right up to the brother that's sitting next to dad and goes, move your freaking butt cheeks.
00:03:38
Speaker
Where did you even hear that? Why are you in top volume, right? I'm like, so awkward. So that's all I'll tell you, so nobody reports me.
Raising Boys vs. Girls: Why Two Episodes?
00:03:51
Speaker
Okay. Yes. So this week we're going to talk about those cute little girls. Girls are different than boys, obviously. That's why we've separated our two episodes into raising boys and raising girls. They do share a lot of trials and strengths. That's why we can do a lot of episodes that are just kids, kids and money, kids and potty training, sibling rivalry.
00:04:11
Speaker
But there's enough differences and the differences are important enough that we really wanted to do these episodes on raising boys and raising girls to talk about the unique, special, awesome, amazing stuff that is unique to each gender.
Controversial Views on Feminism
00:04:27
Speaker
So like last week, I'm going to start off a little controversial, probably if you're feminist, this is quite controversial. But like last week, I was saying that
00:04:37
Speaker
how I believe that feminism is harmful to boys. I also believe feminism is harmful to little girls because it puts up the unrealistic ideals that they don't need a man. Women need men and men need women.
00:04:51
Speaker
to just the tenants of feminism that separate, you know, the sexes is just harmful to both of them. And I also believe that I'm not going to get all political in this episode, I promise. But I also believe that this is a problem, an issue that is going to need to be fixed by women in the future. So this alienation of
00:05:15
Speaker
men and boys by women through feminism is not a problem that men are going to be able to fix in our society because they've been put in the position of being the bad guy. And it's something that we as women and our daughters in the future are going to need to address.
00:05:30
Speaker
Yes, exactly. I love what you said. And I think it's important to differentiate the kind of feminism we're talking about is the kind that elevates women above men and makes them more important and more valuable than men. I think originally the definition of feminism was that men and women are equal of equal importance and value. And we totally believe in that. And that, like you said, women need men. Men need women. We would be nowhere. And our race would die out without both genders.
00:05:58
Speaker
Like at the last episode, we will be talking today about girls in different stages, starting with toddlers and then moving on to elementary age and then to tween and teen girls and young women. But we're going to start with some family relationships first. Just like we talked about with boys, we're going to talk about relationships with the mom and with the dad.
00:06:22
Speaker
Because moms and girls are the same gender, sometimes we get along great with our girls. We understand them. We get it. We've been there.
Mother-Daughter Relationships: Friendship and Respect
00:06:30
Speaker
And then sometimes we clash. We really clash. But I think with our daughters, we have the privilege of gaining a really, really close friend for life. And we have the opportunity.
00:06:43
Speaker
to help them overcome maybe insecurities and hurdles that we've struggled with. We can help our daughters work through some of those and not pass those on to them. And then with our daughters, we can learn to respect their interests and their personalities, even if they're different than their own, or maybe especially when they're different from our own. I know we talked about in our episode on One on One Time,
00:07:08
Speaker
a lot about how getting to know your kids better. And I think this, for me, has been especially true with my daughters. When a daughter has a different personality or different interest than me, that's when I really need to apply some of that stuff. Because when a boy is different than me, I can say, ah, well, that's partly because he's a boy. But with a girl, I really have to work on some of the stuff that we talked about in that episode. And then my final thought on daughters is that it's really important
00:07:37
Speaker
not to compete or compare with daughters. There can be just a biological innate urge to compete or compare with your daughter. And I do think that's pretty harmful. I have seen that in relationships between mothers and daughters where it's just, it's so
00:08:00
Speaker
It's not a healthy thing to have in a relationship. So even even to the point of saying, Oh, when I was your age, I was already, you know, that's just something I have found that it's better to avoid in my relationships with my daughters. I find myself struggling with this all the time. I don't know. I think part of it is
00:08:19
Speaker
seeing my own strengths and expecting those strengths in my daughters. We tend to ignore our own weaknesses, right? So I don't look for those. But my strengths, you know, for example, we've talked a lot about how you and I have similar personalities. Audrey, you know, we are
00:08:34
Speaker
We're pretty control freakish type A. We like things to perform a certain way and to go the way we want them. And when I have daughters that do not act that way, I think, isn't that just how girls are? Don't girls just take charge and do this and do that? And I have one daughter that
00:08:52
Speaker
just is that way. And it's just, it's so easy for me to love her. I know that sounds horrible, but it just is because her strengths are the same as the things that I value and that I strive to do. And then there is another one that is not like me at all. And sometimes I'm just going, who are you? Do not, why don't you value these things that I value? Did you even come out of my body? Yes, exactly. And she's got a totally different personality. And it is so difficult for me to, to, um,
00:09:22
Speaker
to really enjoy her and to see her strengths as strengths because they drive me crazy a lot of the time because they're not like me at all. So that can be especially difficult with daughters. And I think exactly because of why you said because we expect ourselves to be similar to our daughters and we don't realize that we are all unique little bundles of personality and brainwaves and
00:09:44
Speaker
and actions and everything, just because we're both girls doesn't mean all that much sometimes. Yeah. And then I would also add, kind of like you said, to be aware of projecting our own unfulfilled dreams on our children. I am not going to talk about how I am currently doing that with one of my children, but I'm trying to be better. And also your failures. You know, if you are not good at something, don't automatically assume your daughter won't be good at that. Stop for a second and think about
00:10:11
Speaker
Am I just projecting this because we're both girls or because we're similar or have I let her have a shot at this thing she wants to do, you know? Beware of personality clashes, like we said, because you think she's like you. Sometimes, you know, two of the same personality types can have more trouble than two very different ones. And sometimes it's a different one, it just depends. And then also I would lastly say beware of crossing boundaries that should be firm. So it took me many years to figure out
00:10:41
Speaker
the concept of boundaries. And as your children get older, these are so important to realize. I think you talked a little bit about this Audrey in the boys episode, and I really appreciated hearing your perspective as a mom of an adult, but to realize that as they become teenagers and adults, there are some things that we really have no business interjecting in. You know, we can give them advice all day long, but we cannot control them. And once they're adults, we're not supposed to be actively parenting anymore.
00:11:10
Speaker
We're here to give advice if they ask for it. We're here to offer caution if we see the need, but they have no obligation to listen to us anymore. Sometimes they don't think they have any obligation even when they're 10.
Respecting Boundaries and Individuality
00:11:23
Speaker
But point being, I think it's really valuable to put some of those boundaries in place ahead of time and say, you know, I'm going to let my child make this choice because it's their life. I can't.
00:11:32
Speaker
can't control everything. That's so hard. Yes, boundaries are so, so important. And one thing I have noticed is that if I fail in observing boundaries with my children, with other people, that they will erect their own boundaries. And those boundaries might be a little farther away than I had hoped that our relationship would be. Does that make sense? Sort of. Give me an example.
00:12:00
Speaker
Think of a boundary like a fence. So let's say between our lives, I'm putting a fence up. Well, there's kind of a gray area in between. The fence could be closer to me or it could be closer to you.
00:12:11
Speaker
Um, but if I put up the fence, I'm going to put it where I want it, right? The boundary. But if they put up the fence, they're going to put it where they want it. Oh yeah, totally, totally. I see what I'm saying. Yep. So if you want to have a close relationship with them, you better keep the boundary firm before they start pulling away. Yeah. I've totally seen that in my life. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. All right. And I'm going to talk more down, um, when we're talking about teens and tweens about separating and putting up boundaries and stuff too.
00:12:38
Speaker
But let's talk about the relationship between a girl and her dad, because that is a super special one.
00:12:44
Speaker
I said in our episode on boys raising boys that my husband told me when we had our first boy that a little boys are God's gift to a woman. Well, I think the same thing about little girls. They are God's gift to a man. And there's just something so special about a relationship between a dad and his daughter. Daddy's girl, right? Daddy's girl. Yeah.
Father-Daughter Relationships
00:13:08
Speaker
Yeah. I also said that I think boys are a reflection of their relationship with their
00:13:13
Speaker
with their mother. And I think the same is true for girls. I think girls, women, are a reflection of their relationship with their father. So that's just another little seed thought to put out there.
00:13:26
Speaker
What I, one thing I love to see is a dad, my husband, spoiling his daughters, just spoiling and buying him shoes. Or I saw you, you had a story or something the other day and your husband had, was giving your daughter's manicures. Yeah. I think that a daddy spoiling his little girl is an occasion for a dad to be soft. It's an opportunity where, you know, in their work or in their relationship,
00:13:54
Speaker
with other people, they don't have this occasion or this opportunity to be soft, to get in touch with their feminine side or however you want to say it. And I just see that as such a special part of a relationship between a dad and his daughter.
00:14:11
Speaker
Yes, I agree. I think it's so sweet to see a big rough and tumble man kind of do something girly that a little girl wants him to just because he loves her. And lastly, I think a daughter is also an opportunity for a dad to be a protector.
00:14:26
Speaker
and a provider where, you know, as with a son, with boys, they're going to grow out of that protector role a lot sooner than they will with a girl. But I think like we talk a lot about women and mothers and our mothering intuition, our ability. But I think in a similar vein, dads have an instinct to be a protector and daughters definitely give them opportunity to fill the protector and provider role.
00:14:54
Speaker
Yes, that's a very good point too. Yeah, so I was going to say the same thing, that dads and daughters have that similarly special bond, like moms and sons. And I think it's because they complement each other, right? Not complement with an I, complement with an E. You know, they're two halves of the same whole, and they can value each other's strengths, like we mentioned before.
00:15:14
Speaker
But I will add a little warning here for moms to beware of the occasional feeling of jealousy that might come up. So I have heard this be an issue for some moms that when dad starts to spend time with daughters, sometimes the moms can think, wait, that's my husband.
00:15:33
Speaker
I know that sounds silly, but those are just human emotions to naturally think of your husband as yours. I have actually seen that in a relationship of some people that are close to us. It turned out so unhealthy and so sad to see that. Definitely be aware that you might have a feeling of that and just acknowledge it.
00:15:59
Speaker
And then let the dentist daughter have their time without your, you know, acknowledge that there is jealousy in your own heart and then you can deal with it instead of ignoring it.
00:16:12
Speaker
And you might even want to mention it to your husband. Like say, I know this sounds silly, but sometimes when I see you guys spending time together, I'm jealous because we don't get as much time to spend together. And then maybe that means it's time to reevaluate your marital relationship and plan more date nights or whatever. Maybe he watches movies with your little girl and you never get a chance to watch a movie with him. So this Friday you're going to plan to do that or whatever. So yeah, totally, totally normal.
00:16:34
Speaker
And also realize how important a father is in a little girl's life. A father figure is just so valuable. And I think it's because of what you say, because there's that tender relationship, there's the opportunity for protector, and because I think that it sets girls up for either positive or negative relationships with men in the future. And that is not a light thing. That's a very serious thing. And so allowing girls to have a great relationship with their dad is really, really valuable.
00:17:02
Speaker
Mm, I couldn't agree more. Yeah, absolutely.
Embracing Feminine Traits Naturally
00:17:06
Speaker
So starting with little girls' toddlers, in our experience, little girls are feminine and girly and pink and sparkles and unicorns. Everything's stereotypical. Yep, yep.
00:17:21
Speaker
or even when they outgrow that and they don't grow up and become a ballerina. It's this toddler stage where they put on the twirly dresses and the sparkly shoes and they dance and they're a little feminine, passionate, hysterical, adorable.
00:17:41
Speaker
little girls. And I think at this age, all of that needs to be just encouraged. It's just innate. Nobody's telling them that they should dress up like a ballerina and sleep in their princess costume. It's just how they are. And they outgrow that really fast. And so I think none of that should be discouraged. OK, yeah, we have also seen a lot of those stereotypical girly behaviors. But I do want to make one mention here that
00:18:09
Speaker
If your girl does not show those stereotypical girly pinkish tutu behaviors, that's fine too. Yeah, and we have also seen that little girls tend to mimic mom really early on. I have some really cute pictures of my toddlers pretending to be
00:18:24
Speaker
pregnant with little baby dolls under their belly or pretending to nurse a baby. My 10-year-old was a toddler when I had the twins, and so we have cute pictures of her nursing two babies at once. It's just adorable. It's really, really cute. And also the dress-ups, wanting to be like mom, wearing dresses and heels and makeup and doing hair.
00:18:46
Speaker
et cetera. So, you know, there's so much involved in that. I love that they try to mimic me and that they wanna be like me, but also at the same time, it makes me really conscious of how I'm living my life. Like, do I want her watching me putting on makeup? Like, is that gonna make her think that she's not beautiful the way she is? You know, there's a lot of, really makes me think a little bit about how I, you know, treat my own body and self. In fact, in there, I will interject and say what we say
00:19:16
Speaker
What do we say about our bodies and how we treat our bodies can really, really affect our little girls. So none of us would ever think of insulting our little girls' bodies, telling them they're not perfect just the way they are. But by insulting our own bodies, guess what they see? They see that that's what moms and women do, is they grow up and they say, ugh, look at this. Ew, look at this. Ew, I need to lose weight. Ew, I'm so ugly. Ew, look at these wrinkles.
00:19:41
Speaker
Oh, like, wouldn't it just break your heart to know that that's what you're passing on to your little girl? Like this, this dissatisfaction with this amazing body they've been given. So anyway, I just had to share that as that's so important to treat yourself positively. Yeah. Yeah. I have to say that raising girls scares me way more than raising boys because I feel like so much of it depends on
00:20:07
Speaker
me like how I am as a woman.
Modeling Ideal Womanhood: Unique Challenges
00:20:11
Speaker
Does that make sense? Yes, totally. Yeah. Instead of, I feel like I just have to be loving and accepting to my boys and teach them good values. But for girls, I have to be like the ultimate woman so that they will grow up to be the perfect woman, you know? That's a lot of pressure. Yeah.
00:20:28
Speaker
And then finally about little girls, I just wanted to share something interesting that I learned in some child psychology classes in college. And many of you parents have probably already realized this, but that
00:20:39
Speaker
Uh, you can even tell a difference between girls and boys in how they draw. And they'll say that when it comes to topics of drawing, I mean, we already know that playing boys like to play, you know, tend to play more physical games and girls tend to play more, um, you know, like household type games, like house and mom and dad and that sort of thing. Yeah. But that boys, uh, draw different topics as well. Boys tend to draw action.
00:21:04
Speaker
And girls tend to draw nouns. So boys draw verbs, girls draw nouns. Isn't that interesting? They'll draw a horse or a house or a person. And the boys draw bombs and storms and ninjas and action. I just thought that was so, so interesting. Oh, man, that's so interesting. My little boys are in their stick man battle phase. So they'll get an entire sheaf of paper and fill it up with their stick man battles. It's cute. Yeah, definitely.
00:21:35
Speaker
All right, moving on to young girls. Yeah, kind of between little girl and teen or tween is this awkward stage of a little girl
00:21:45
Speaker
A big girl in a little girl's body or a little girl's mind in a big girl's body. Yeah, I remember this stage myself being in it. I guess this is kind of identifying with my daughters. But for me, I found it, I need to have patience with this stage and allow them to be the baby and play baby things long beyond when I think they should be maturing a little bit.
00:22:11
Speaker
Um, if they're still, you know, doing the little baby things and just allow them that kind of that petting as long as they need to, um, emotionally and mentally, you know, especially with our daughters who are homeschooled, there's not really as much social pressure for them to grow up and be interested in whatever thing their peers are interested in. They can still play with Barbies longer than maybe we think is a socially appropriate if they want to, because
00:22:39
Speaker
Yeah, it's just kind of this awkward stage. Yeah, I agree. And what's interesting to me is so I have my oldest girl is only 10. She's right in the middle of this phase of kind of easing into the tween years. And all of a sudden, it just hit me looking at you know, my boys have been growing up so quickly. I'm watching them very carefully. But I just looked at her the other day and went, Oh my gosh, you are
00:23:02
Speaker
not a little girl anymore. And it's, it's, it's scary. And for me, and we'll talk a little bit more about the development ages in a minute, but that has been really scary to approach too, because there's all this emotion and drama of your own experience tied up in it, you know? Yeah. And that you're like, Oh no. Oh, I'm sorry. Um,
00:23:24
Speaker
Anyway, but I have tried to focus on the positives that I see at this phase. And there really is more of that copying of mom's duties. A lot of times they want to help out in the kitchen. They want to bake something. They want to help make the house pretty and help clean and that sort of thing, which is wonderful. There's also a bit of drama, a little bit of diva-esque behavior.
00:23:47
Speaker
And I've started noticing some really extreme concerns over social issues and looks. And as much as I want to protect my little girl from, you know, what everybody else thinks, I do, you know, that's just part of growing up is for her to be aware that, oh, I should take care of myself. And, oh, it matters what maybe even more so than it should, what I wear and how I dress.
00:24:12
Speaker
Yeah. Uh, one thing I like to do at this stage is let my little girls dream big without limiting them by saying, Oh, you're not going to be able to do that. You're a girl. Um, just, just let them dream big whether or not they eventually decide to go chase these dreams or not. Um, it doesn't really matter at this stage. It's just really super helpful. I've found just not to crush their dreams or limit their dreams because
00:24:38
Speaker
you know, because they're a girl or because they would never be able to do that. Um, or, you know, whatever, whatever fill in the blank reason, you might want to just sort of crush their little dream, but you just, just let them dream big. And, um, I've found, yeah, I found that to be a super, super important at this age.
00:24:57
Speaker
Another thing is at this age, we found it's really important to instill the morals and the values and the things that you believe your beliefs early before the hormones start kicking in. So their bodies aren't ravaged by the hormones that toss them around in the teenage years. So this is the time
00:25:19
Speaker
Little girls we found at this age love to have a cause and a belief and moral things that they can look up to and stand up for and a cause. And if they get these really good and solid at this age, then your work during the teen and tween years are not so hard. In fact, if they don't get them down in this age, oh, you got a hard road ahead of you and they're a teenager.
00:25:46
Speaker
Yes, I agree 100%. In fact, I remember being taught as a child that you make moral decisions way ahead of time, way before you're ever put in that scenario.
00:25:59
Speaker
and then you will always make the right choice. And I think about that a lot in regards to my kids that if you, I think that that's maybe a mistake that the world as a whole is making with kids, is just saying, oh, they're responsible, they'll make the right choice. But no one has taught them early on that this choice will probably bring heartache. This choice will probably bring disaster. Instead, let's make the choices way ahead of time, like you say, before they're,
00:26:27
Speaker
you know, making out with some boy in the backseat of a car. So I'll be like, don't trust them at that point to make the right decision. Help them. Yeah. Help them get a cause and learn those moral lessons early on. Yeah. And then like you said, we start teaching our girls all the homemaking skills at this age. So cooking, cleaning, laundry, all of that. Of course, as I said in our episode on
00:26:48
Speaker
chores, we teach that to our boys too, but it's especially fun for girls at this age to be allowed to, hey, mom, I want to learn how to make donuts. Oh, you do? Okay, great. Let's make donuts. And just kind of along the lines of those dream big without limiting them. Sure, you want to learn how to make a cake with layers and decorate and all whatever? Sure. Yeah, let's go ahead.
00:27:13
Speaker
I just kind of have the homemaking skills at this age are just fun, fun adventure play for them.
00:27:19
Speaker
Yeah, and it can be a really good way to connect with a girl or a daughter that maybe you aren't very similar to. I found this with my daughters that I'm not really, really alike is that we can connect over the things that we enjoy doing like sewing, crafts, homemaking things, cooking. Those are all things I enjoy. And even though our personalities are very different, my daughter enjoys that too. And so we can do it together and really bond even while I'm like white knuckling it because flowers going everywhere.
00:27:50
Speaker
And finally, in this area, I wanted to once again say that it can be difficult to deal with this time of life for your daughter if you had insecurities in later elementary school or middle school, but it's important not to project those on your daughter. Just assume she is 100% fine and dandy and won't have any of the issues you did, and maybe she won't. And it's important to teach your girls to be tough, but also remain sensitive to their emotions. You know that balance?
00:28:20
Speaker
Sometimes we can indulge too much in the drama and they're not, you know, and they learn how to get their way by being dramatic. And then alternately we can teach them incorrectly to shove those emotions down and never cry and never, you know, just the bounce. And I think this goes the same for boys as well. But sometimes I find myself leaning towards the side of shove those emotions down when there's just been crying all day long.
00:28:47
Speaker
Oh, yes. Moving on to teen and tween girls. This is when the puberty hits in and, you know, teach about body development and periods and everything that goes with
Teaching Puberty and Body Changes
00:29:04
Speaker
that. And I know I recommended in our episode on
00:29:07
Speaker
Having the talk with girls teaching about sex, I recommended a really good book, The Care and Keeping of Youth, that I actually give our girls before they hit the teen and tween years so that they'll know what's coming. We can link that book again in the show notes.
00:29:23
Speaker
Uh, yeah, you know, that, that drama, I kind of feel like with before teenage years, it's kind of an act or kind of a manipulative thing that they might be doing to kind of get their way, you know, the drama thing. But when they hit the teen, the teen years, it's not an act. It really is.
00:29:46
Speaker
It looks like a little drama fit to us, but it really is. The hormones are just taking them on a roller coaster ride and they're not acting. That's how they really feel, even if it looks quite dramatic to us. I mean, I remember the hormones and the ups and the downs and the being tossed around, like you're in a boat on the sea and there's a storm and it's horrible.
00:30:12
Speaker
So one thing that we started to talk about a little bit earlier is body image with at this age. And it's even if we have 100% positive body image as mothers, this is something that's forced on our daughters by society.
Body Image: Combating Societal Pressures
00:30:32
Speaker
And we have to fight that. Just the ideal body image and body shaming. And there's a lot of
00:30:42
Speaker
talk about inclusivity in size and in body positivity and so on. Body image is such a huge thing at this point in their life. Yeah, and we have to try to help them to come through this body image, the changing body. It's something that is noticed.
00:31:01
Speaker
on a woman, our shape changes. It's not like a guy, their body doesn't go through quite as a dramatic change in shape as a woman's body does. And so maybe it's because it's more noticeable that it's a thing, but my two daughters that have gone through the teenage body shape changes. I don't know that I've been the best help that I could be to them and that I've been successful
00:31:27
Speaker
helping them get victory against everything that is foisted on them through society about what their body should look like. And yeah, it's just, oh my goodness, it's such a struggle. Yeah, there is so much baggage and stuff packaged up into those years. In fact, I think we might need to have a whole podcast episode just on puberty.
00:31:52
Speaker
This is a scary thing for all parties involved mom dad kids everybody but you made a good point specifically about the girls and they're changing bodies is that We realize as adults that as their bodies change they they take on
00:32:07
Speaker
almost this power, right? They have the power to draw the head of a man out in public. And it's terrifying for parents because we think, don't you look at my little girl like that. And we just want to protect them. But that being said, we want to warn them without teaching them to use their body.
00:32:26
Speaker
incorrectly for power. Does that make sense? That's where I struggle is. I want to teach you just how important it is to cover yourself and take care of yourself and protect yourself without teaching you that if you want to rebel, the first thing to do is take your clothes off. Does that make sense? That's where I struggle is to that balance. Yeah. One thing I have tried to do with my teenage daughters is every single time I personally have a positive
00:32:56
Speaker
thought or I hear, let's say, a positive podcast or read a book that's positive. This is all concerning body, body image. I try to share that with them or encourage them to read the book or listen to that or read the quote or whatever. Just up the sheer amount of positive inputs in their life because the negative ones, those are going to come at them fast and hard all the time from outside and from inside.
00:33:26
Speaker
it's the positive ones that there's going to be a deficit of. So I do try to share those, even personal positive body thoughts that I have about myself, because I want them to realize that that's a good thing for a woman to be thinking about themselves.
00:33:44
Speaker
Yes, I love that you said that. Even the littlest of little girls are being attacked about their bodies at a young, young age. I'm going to share another resource later on too, but there's an Instagram account and a blog called Beauty Redefined, and I'll link that. They are amazing, and they go around the world trying to teach women that they are more than a body, that your value does not come from what you look like, that it's inside you. But to counteract that bad stuff that's out there is so important.
00:34:11
Speaker
The other day, I'll just share this really quickly. The other day, my eight year old, brand new eight year old came to me and said, I think I'm going to go on a diet.
00:34:18
Speaker
And I'm like, inside I'm like, this is not happening. And I'm just calmly, I said, oh really? Why do you say that? Because I'm fat. Oh my gosh. I'm going to throw up, please. What is happening? So anyway, we dug a little bit deeper. Apparently she'd watched some show with her older sister where a bunch of teenage girls were like, if I pick up another carb, slap it out of my hand. And I was like, that's it.
00:34:44
Speaker
We're canceling Netflix, we're turning up all of you. You're never allowed to watch shows again anyway. But yes, those negative influences are everywhere and we have to do our part to protect them. Yeah, and we have to teach them how to deal with them because we can't shield them from
00:35:00
Speaker
the negative inputs. Like they're just going to run into it somewhere no matter how hard we try. So we have to teach them how to deal with the negative inputs. Very wise. Okay. Acne. This is all tied up in body image. But one spot of acne on a girl's face truly can ruin their entire life. Promise.
00:35:25
Speaker
if you ask them. I mean, that's how they feel. Acne is so hard for girls, so hard. I don't know why it's so much harder for girls than boys, like you talked about your son and him not caring that he had acne, that he didn't need to deal with that. But for a girl, it's really, really stressful. Acne is very stressful. And then, of course, stress can cause more acne.
00:35:55
Speaker
So, I don't really have any magical bullets. All my children have struggled with acne. I think every teenager in the world has acne. And it's just something where, I don't know, I guess just more thoughts of the positive input. This pimple does not define you. You are a good person even though there is a pimple on the end of your nose. Sometimes I need that positive self-talk, okay? Same.
00:36:25
Speaker
And then another thing help girls learn to recognize and deal with are cravings that come with puberty and hormones and cycles. One thing that we can link in the show notes, my girls and I use an app called Flow and it will help track your cycle and help you recognize, oh, today I'm craving chocolate because, oh yeah,
00:36:56
Speaker
you know, getting ready to have my period or because I ovulated yesterday or whatever. That sounds really interesting. Yeah. And then, um, also it's a good time to talk about, yes, it's all tied up in body image and we don't want our girls to think they need to go on a diet, but we do want them to develop healthy habits because if you feel good, it doesn't matter what your body looks like. Yeah.
00:37:21
Speaker
So teen and tween girls is when they start to develop their own clothing and style tastes. And guess what? They might not be yours, which is scary and fun and sad and happy and all the feelings in us too, right?
00:37:41
Speaker
And I have found if I just let my daughters develop their own style, it's really cool to see them. Not as if they're my daughter developing a style or a wardrobe, but as if they're my friend and really not trying to control it as long as it meets
Conclusion: Resources and Encouragement
00:37:58
Speaker
our modesty expectations, just to enjoy it. Hey, I would have never thought of putting those together, but that looks really cool on you. I think I'm going to try that just as if they were my friend.
00:38:10
Speaker
Good for you. Yeah. Okay. Another thing we like to do with our teen and tween girls is encourage them to date their dad. So this can be actual dates with dad. This can be spending time with dad. This goes all back to what you say, what you said when we were talking about little girls, how a father figure is so, a great father figure is so valuable for little girls. So we encourage our daughters to date their dad. I love that.
00:38:40
Speaker
During the teen and tween years, there comes a point where they separate from you and they go through a rebellion and it can be just a sort of soft disagreeing with everything you say. Rebellion and how long and how deep the rebellion is and last depends on your reaction to it oftentimes and also is very dependent on relationships before you get to these years.
00:39:07
Speaker
And then two final things we do for our daughters in their tween and teen years is we give them a lot of responsibility around the home. We want our daughters to be prepared for life. We want them to know how to run a household before they have to. I didn't feel very prepared to run a household when I first got married and my husband had to.
00:39:24
Speaker
teach me a bunch of stuff, lots of funny stories there. But yeah, our daughters are going to be prepared to run a home. And also another thing we do for our daughters, and this comes because we are a large family, is they do a lot of care of their siblings. Again, this is getting them ready to run a home and have their own children. But it also helps feed some of that need to nurture that girls are dealing with at this age so that they
00:39:54
Speaker
don't, you know, run out and get pregnant, but you know, they have this little baby that they can cuddle and snuggle up to and fill some of those nurturing needs.
00:40:04
Speaker
That's a very good point. You know, I don't know of very many families where there's a large family and babies around and the teenagers go out and get pregnant because I think they know exactly how much work having a baby takes. So they're like, yeah, I'm good. No, I'm so glad that you touched on all those topics because I don't have a teenage girl yet. And I think that sometimes it's a little overwhelming to think about what
00:40:30
Speaker
what I'm getting myself into, but I'm also so excited to see my young girls turn into women. I think it will be so rewarding. And you touched on so many good things. Just a few more things I wanted to mention is that girls, at least in my experience, can have all those things that the younger girls have only more intense. And I'm glad that you mentioned what you did about the hormones and about the drama that they really can't control it later on because I have very little sympathy for
00:40:58
Speaker
Fuck my girls when they get dramatic like that. I'm like, oh my gosh. Especially when I see an altercation, I see what went down and then I see the reaction. I'm like, really? A little expensive. But I think it is important to realize that those hormones are real. We all remember that, right? Yeah. And it can be really fun to build an awesome relationship with a daughter. But like I mentioned before, sometimes it's difficult if there are big pain points, clothes or personality clashes or any number of things.
00:41:27
Speaker
Oh, we wish you moms all the best. It is difficult, but I know that we can do it. Okay. Um, last touching on our daughters as young adults and maybe helping them find a worthy partner. I'm a little bit out of my depth here because neither of my daughters have, um, dated yet. And this is, um, kind of by their choice, kind of our choice, kind of by their choice. We encouraged them to, um,
00:41:54
Speaker
get their education finished. We've encouraged all our children to get their education before they start dating just to avoid the distraction and the expense and the possible incompletion of their education. So we're encouraging them to get their education or their training that will first and then
00:42:20
Speaker
go on to find a partner in life. But we do talk a lot. I do talk a lot with my daughters about what to look for in a spouse. And of course, because I have a great husband and he's been an awesome father, that's the first thing I point them to. And also encourage them to use their head as well as their heart when they're finding somebody. So try to find somebody who will
00:42:47
Speaker
help build our family for the future, our clan. I mean, we've got this huge clan of children, and then you think about the next generation, if they all get married and have children, and we would like our children to marry spouses who help unite this great tribe that's coming instead of to be a divider. Okay, and also going back to their education or their training, we encourage our daughters to
00:43:15
Speaker
Get training or education that will allow them to raise their family as well. Be a mother and raise a family. We realize that a single income might not be a possibility, like a single income family might not be a possibility in the future, but we do encourage our daughters at the young adult, tween, teen, and young adult age to get some training or education that will allow them to be a mother as well as bring in an income.
00:43:43
Speaker
Yes, I love that you brought that up. I think that it can be tricky because like you mentioned earlier, you want your daughters to be able to dream and reach for the stars, but you also want them to be able to have a family and realize as an adult and a mother that that's where their greatest joy will come is from being a mother. So to teach them that and to let them know that they can have all the dreams and aspirations in the world, but they will definitely have to have times and seasons for them.
00:44:10
Speaker
And that if they choose to follow a career in their 20s and 30s, then they might be able to have kids after that and they might not. So just to keep all those things in mind. And if at all possible to teach them to get an education or training on something they could do while their children are home. So yeah, I really value that.
00:44:28
Speaker
I also wanted to say that I love you mentioned teaching girls how to use their head and their heart in finding a partner. And this also goes for boys. But how many times are we tempted to do one or the other, right? Well, there's not really a lot of connections, but he's just a great choice. Or he makes a lot of money and I like him fine. Or the alternative, oh, I'm just so madly in love.
00:44:51
Speaker
Yeah, but he can't support you and he doesn't like your family, whatever. So I love that connection. I also have no experience in this realm yet, but I hope to raise young women with grace and kindness and gentleness, who also never let anyone hold them back and can run at their dreams and aspirations full force. I know it's a big bill, but I think we can do it. I think we can raise it.
00:45:19
Speaker
Yeah, I hope that and I think that the way that you and I are living our lives and the values that we're instilling in them, we're teaching them by example about what we want them to be. And I think that's the most important thing for me in raising daughters is to be what I want them to be someday and better. I think that is so true and I hope you're right. It can be tricky, I think, to teach girls
00:45:42
Speaker
these traditional Christian values of being a mother and homemaker without holding them back from their dreams. But I love that I have been able to do something similar, you know, to raise a family and still follow some of my dreams. And I hope to inspire her to do the same because it has been really fun. And being a mom, you know, nothing compares to that.
00:46:02
Speaker
So that's about all we have for you today. Extra long episode today, but I hope there was lots of little nuggets and tidbits in here for you guys to help encourage you in raising daughters. It's a big job. Sometimes it seems a lot scarier than the boys, but I promise that we can do it. We have a few recommendations. We'll link in the show notes for you. Audrey mentioned the book. Tell me again what it's called Audrey.
00:46:21
Speaker
Yeah, the care and keeping of you. It's both a younger girl and an older girl versions. And then the Instagram and website I recommended is beauty redefined. Just love them. Follow their Instagram for a good dose of keeping yourself grounded on your body image and teaching your daughters. And then we'll add that app, that flow app that Audrey recommended.
00:46:42
Speaker
Thanks so much for tuning in. If you've enjoyed this episode, we'd be so grateful if you'd leave us a written review on iTunes. If you have any questions or ideas for future episodes, you can reach us at OutnumberThePodcast at gmail.com and find us on Instagram at OutnumberThePodcast. See you next week.