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00:00:01
Navigating Threesomes pt 2 (1-13)
99 Plays7 months ago
In this episode of "Fun with Sex," we delve into the delicate and exhilarating world of threesomes for couples. Whether you're a seasoned explorer or curious newbie, our discussion offers valuable insights on how to successfully navigate this intimate adventure.
We start by addressing the importance of respecting queer women’s safe spaces at gay bars and other LGBTQ+ venues. Discover alternative ways to meet potential partners that prioritize consent and mutual interest, and learn effective communication strategies to ensure all parties are comfortable and enthusiastic.
Next, we explore techniques to handle feelings of jealousy that may arise before, during, or after the experience. Gain tips on maintaining open lines of communication with your partner and the third party, setting boundaries, and checking in with each other to ensure a positive experience for everyone involved.
Finally, we recognize the inherent privilege couples have over a single person in the dynamic. We discuss ways to create an equitable environment where the third party feels valued and respected, balancing desires and expectations among all participants.
Tune in to "Fun with Sex" for a thoughtful, respectful, and comprehensive guide to making your threesome fantasies a reality while fostering trust, respect, and open communication.
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Transcript
Introduction and Updates
00:00:01
funwithsexpodcast
Hi, this is John with the Fun with Sex podcast. And I'm Natalie. Hey, we did take a couple weeks break. We're getting back to regularly scheduled programming. Uh, June has just been very busy with us with the prize stuff. And fun fact, we're actually starting a new dance party here in Chicago. So yeah, we've been very busy, um, starting this new dance event called Sluts Party. Um, So lots of exciting stuff happening with there, which which I'm sure we'll get into on an episode. We'll definitely have an episode directly talking about why we started Sluts Party. We actually have some podcast requests from other podcasters who are interested in the story behind Sluts Party.
Exploring Threesomes
00:00:43
funwithsexpodcast
But we did have an idea of doing multiple episodes of bisexuality, but with Pride ending, we decided that we would rather space those episodes out throughout the year.
00:00:53
funwithsexpodcast
not to just overload you guys for just like buy content for four straight weeks. So what we are doing is going back to one of the earlier episodes. um We had a part one on threesomes and the episode was about how to have the initial conversations as a couple on why you want a threesome and how to to bring that up to your partner, how to start the initial planning. um We took that episode all the way to the point of right before you have a threesome. and We're gonna pick it right back up there So we ended that conversation on you decided that you're gonna have a threesome you talked about what type of threesome that you want to have and now this episode is going to be making that threesome happen followed by how to have the threesome and what to do during the threesome problems that may arise and then it's going to end with Excuse me, and then it's going to end with a
00:01:51
funwithsexpodcast
right at the end of your threesome just ended and then we're going to do a third episode hopefully sooner than we did this one on what to do after you have a threesome and what does that mean for your relationship.
00:02:03
funwithsexpodcast
So I guess the first important thing is where and how do you find a third? I think that's something that before you go into like Where are we going to find a third? I think you should have a conversation with your partner about, do you want the third to be somebody you meet together? Or can it be like an already occurring friend, already occurring flirtation, something like that? Because for a lot of people, a threesome is their first non-monogamous
00:02:37
funwithsexpodcast
thing they do as a couple. So it's you know when you're in that position where you've never done anything non-monogamous, I can see that it may feel a little bit threatening if you know a close friend or somebody is the person coming into the relationship. So in that case, you may want to find somebody that you meet together. And if that's the case, while there are dating apps out there, like feel that you can go to three fun, you can go to like local nominogamous events and meet people that way. Um, but yeah, I would say probably your best bet is checking out the dating apps. So I think going back to like Natalie's earlier point, when you're looking for a third,
00:03:25
funwithsexpodcast
first things first you have to decide do you want for your third to be someone already in your social circle so it depends on the person some people prefer having sex with somebody that they already have a close friendship with or a relationship with other people not so much other people will say they're like hey i don't want to see my partner having me sex with somebody that like who's going to be in my life routinely Which like I suggest for your first time having sex with a stranger.
Choosing the Right Third
00:03:53
funwithsexpodcast
Not because a stranger is disposable, they're still a human being with emotions. But if something does go wrong or you have an adverse reaction to the threesome, you can step away from a third person, respectfully acknowledging that they're a human too.
00:04:10
funwithsexpodcast
but you can step away from them and not have a stranger stay in your life versus like you have a threesome with a friend and you realize that like, Hey, this isn't for me for my first threesome. You just lost a friend or you're going to have this like adverse experience with them. That's for a lot of people lingers for a long and time, if not the rest of the relationship. The other thing that you need to decide is that like, Hey, do I want my threesome to be a reoccurring person in my sex life? So is this the thing where you guys are going to try it once experiment? Maybe like it maybe not um And then you move on or is this something where you're like, hey, we're looking for a third person to become a reoccurring partner for us Which again, like if this is your first three some you probably don't have the answer to that until after the threesome but these are still things to consider when you're looking for your third person and you should be able to communicate that to them because I would hate for
00:05:06
funwithsexpodcast
you to go in telling somebody that like, hey, we're looking for someone to add to our relationship for a long term thing. And then you cut them off after you have the threesome, making them feel like they did something wrong, or vice versa, where you say like, hey, this is a one night stand. And then you end up wanting to be a reoccurring thing. Of course, everything can change with communication on the back end after the threesome, but you should at least be having these thoughts before you get into it. And the other option too, which I think, you know, I kind of giggle at because I think this is what a lot of people think the only option is. So they go that route. You could just go to a bar and try to pick someone up. Um, I kind of have mixed feelings on how that'll go. Um, you can imagine, especially if the type of person you're trying to find is a queer woman, how that could feel very like,
00:06:01
funwithsexpodcast
frustrating for a queer woman who's probably like, I'm out here to meet woman. I wasn't really looking to get picked up by a couple. Or you might hop it upon a queer woman who's like, yes, I've been waiting for this. So I think you just have to be prepared if you do go the route of trying to pick up strangers at a bar or club. You may get polarizing reactions, either somebody who's like, so excited because they've been waiting for this or somebody who's just kind of like horrified that somebody is bringing this up. So what I would recommend if you're a straight couple, if you're a, I guess this is what we're talking to, a hetero presenting couple, even though we're both bi, we're not a straight couple. You look at us, you think hetero presenting. Don't go to gay clubs to pick up single women just because, are there probably bi women there who would be open to a threesome of a hetero couple? Yes.
00:06:53
funwithsexpodcast
threesome statistically are the most common group sex experience that all americans Americans participate in. I think a third of all Americans have had a threesome in their life. And like 85, 90% of Americans have fantasized about having a threesome. So a lot of people really, really enjoyed threesomes. The issue is that a lot of times queer women go to queer bars to find other queer women. and also lesbians go to queer bars to be free from being hit on for men. And then if you go in there as a couple, you're ruining their safe space. So a place that's not a gay bar, I honestly don't find a problem with hitting on people. ah Whether it's a man or a woman that you want to add to your threesome, but I do think that you hit on them like you hit on a normal person.
00:07:42
funwithsexpodcast
You go up, you start a conversation, you buy them a couple drinks. You eventually have to communicate that like, Hey, our goal is to like, either tonight or sometime in the future, hook up with you and take you home. But I don't, I don't think that like the approach of, Hey, do you want to have a threesome with me and my partner off the back as the right approach? I think you treat it just like you treat any other dating because that essentially is what it is. You're hitting on someone, you're picking them up for a casual sex, which like, single people do all the time to other single people. Yeah, I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with it. I just wouldn't recommend it if it's your first threesome because it's adding a lot to the equation when you could go through another route to find people who are already versed in nominogamy, maybe have like some more threesomes under their belt.
Finding a Third: Apps and Events
00:08:39
funwithsexpodcast
Because
00:08:40
funwithsexpodcast
The thing is having a threesome where all three of you, it's the first time. Sounds like a really great idea. You're all experiencing this together. You're all nervous together. And that can be true and it can go really well. But you just have to understand there's also a lot, a lot of variables because all three parties don't entirely know how they're going to feel. how they're going to react. This third person is somebody who you don't have a history with emotionally. So you have never seen them in a situation where they're upset before. So there's just a lot of variables and potential when it's three people who have not done anything non-monogamous. Whereas I feel like if you kind of go through the apps and you have time to message people beforehand and talk to people,
00:09:31
funwithsexpodcast
you can maybe find someone who has done a threesome or two before or is super-versed in nominogamy and that can be really helpful. um Oh, I 100% agree. up I was going to, I was saying like, if you're going to do the bar, picking up a stranger off the street, i this is how you do it. The right way to do it, or not the right way, the way that you would probably have the best success is that there's websites like fat life. There's apps like failed and three fun. There's every major city has swingers parties, sex parties.
00:10:06
funwithsexpodcast
There's places, clubs, and events to specialize in bringing people together who want to have group sex experiences. And there's always, normally, I've never been to this conference where there wasn't a single, multiple single women there who were like, hey, I'm here looking to be a unicorn because I think there's an idea that all bi women don't want to be unicorns, which statistically is not true. I think that like that sentiment comes from couples hating on random bi women at gay bars and trying to pressure them or course them into unicorns. So it was like, hey, we don't want that in our environment. But there are a lot of bi women who are like, yeah, I really do enjoy hooking up with a couple. I think the other thing that like,
00:10:51
funwithsexpodcast
The real issue is not that there's not enough bi women who are into hooking up with couples, but there's not enough couples who have good enough communication skills and security with each other that makes single women feel safe while hooking up with them.
Communication and Boundaries
00:11:07
funwithsexpodcast
Yeah. And I think that goes into the idea of like couples privilege, where I think that like a lot of time couples go into threesome experiences with a a single woman or a single man, and they view this person as like a sex toy. but they get to like The couple gets to experience their fantasy with what this person in not an enjoyable experience for like all three people.
00:11:32
funwithsexpodcast
Yeah. And that's another major part about if you want to have a successful first threesome, you and your partner should be having conversations on your own, 100% figuring out what your boundaries are ahead of time, talking through different scenarios, how you would feel, just really over communicate and over talk about it. I would say is the safer route to go. The worst thing you can do is go into it and say, we'll figure out our boundaries as it happens. But the second tier of conversation that should happen before the threesome actually happens is a conversation with the third about their boundaries, about their preferences. And then you communicate to them what your boundaries and preferences are so everybody's on the same page.
00:12:23
funwithsexpodcast
Also think it's a super important thing to remember that you are a couple, which means that you're coming into this situation with more power. Whether you're hit hooking up with a single man, a single woman, or a single non-binary person, you have the privilege because you already have a set in stone relationship with another person, which means that if you're bringing in a third person into your relationship, you have to make a greater effort to make sure that person fills character. care, take those taken care of. Wow. That was hard. Yeah. And making sure they feel safe and everything, understanding like, are they demisexual? Do they want the kind of vibe where we go on a couple of dates before this happens? Like what are their needs and what can you do to make them feel comfortable? Because no matter what their gender is, sure. There's some people where they can just dive into bed, but I've talked to
00:13:22
funwithsexpodcast
men and women and any other gender who feels the same way that it can feel a little bit objectifying when the couple just kind of expects you to show up, engage in sex, and then you're just discarded with no aftercare. And that's what I mean by a lot of times couples see the third person as a sex toy. They don't see them as like a third person. And we're like, we're all going to have a pleasurable experience with they see them as just like somebody that we're going to use to have our fantasies met. And then afterwards, I've heard things like, Oh, I don't want the third person to cuddle with us afterwards. Yeah. And it's like you feel close enough and comfortable enough with them to have sex with them.
00:14:07
funwithsexpodcast
but you don't feel comfortable enough to let them cuddle. And again, like if you communicate on that on a front end and you let that person know what they're getting themselves into, your dynamic, your boundaries, I think it's a toxic boundary, but it's still your dynamic, your boundaries. But I think that you may need to ask yourself, why do you feel that way? And I know that like, there's a fun fact where men go into threesomes being less satisfied with the experience at the end and women go into threesomes feeling more satisfied with the experience at the end and i think it comes down to expectations i think that like a lot of men go into threesomes with the idea that i'm going to be the center of attention with these two hot beautiful women who can't get their hands off of me
00:14:49
funwithsexpodcast
while women are like, Hey, if I'm hooking up with another woman, it's just gonna be one of those things where we're fulfilling the guy's fantasies and my needs and her needs aren't taken care of. And I think that like, that should give us all pause to say that like, a lot of times threesomes don't Go as planned for everybody there because a lot of times women go in there like oh, this was a really enjoyable experience for me I was actually the one who was centered and a guy was like this didn't live up to my dream that i've had for years because like these two women were more into each other or We're one of the women were centered and I wasn't the main attraction. Yeah, and I think that that's where Communication during the 37 is super super important. I think that
00:15:40
funwithsexpodcast
If this is your first time, expect emotions to arise. Expect to feel, expect the worst. Even if you're not a jealous person, expect to feel a little bit of jealousy. Expect to feel a little bit of uncomfortableness watching your partner have sex for the first time. And understand that while your emotions are valid and you're allowed to react to a situation, you're allowed to feel any way that you can, any way that you do to a situation. you're not allowed to read react anywhere that you want to a situation. Yeah, that's my biggest advice for people who are new to non-monogamy in general is I think sometimes people who have it explored kind of think that we're in this fairy tale world where nobody gets jealous and nobody has a negative emotion and everybody experiences compression from the get-go and
00:16:35
funwithsexpodcast
you know, if I have a healthy relationship, of course, our non monogamous relationship was going to be perfect too. But that's just not the reality. And that's okay. It's okay to have a negative emotion. It's okay to have a negative reaction or not reaction, a negative feeling. in your head to seeing your partner with someone else, to feel jealous. These are all things that are probably going to naturally happen because monogamy and ownership has been conditioned on us so deeply. So it's totally okay if you feel jealous, if you feel negative at the most in the moment.
00:17:15
funwithsexpodcast
I think the first step is to control your reaction. Just because you're feeling jealous doesn't give you the right to start yelling during a threesome, start saying rude things to the third, start saying rude things to your partner. That's something you need to contain in the moment. And you know really think about like why am I feeling jealous? is that because this person is doing something with my partner that I want to do and I haven't done before. Okay, that's simply something after the threesome, you can just bring up to your partner and be like, Hey, I saw you guys doing this together. I want to do more of that during our one on one sex. Or are you just feeling jealous because it's hard to see your partner with another person? That's okay. It's your first time doing that. That's bound to happen. You know, just
00:18:08
funwithsexpodcast
Unpack it and afterwards when you're doing aftercare, one-on-one with your partner, which I would recommend. I would recommend to do aftercare with the third. and then ah second time just you and and your partner and you can unpack everything. You know you can just share that and say oh like it was kind of hard for me seeing you two together like maybe I just need some like words of affirmation right now maybe I just need some physical touch right now or whatever it is that you need to feel validated in that moment. But again it's about just communicating it in a healthy way understanding I know you didn't do anything wrong I just had a negative emotion come up
00:18:47
funwithsexpodcast
And moving forward from that. And I think it's important to a a lot remember that you did consent to this threesome. So even if things don't go the right way or the way that you imagine, you take that risk by having a threesome with two other autonomous people who have their own desires and their own goals and their own attractions and preferences and how they also wanted the threesome to go. And I think that like, that's why I think a lot of men are less satisfied, according to surveys with the threesomes, because they have this idea of like, these two women are here to like, fulfill my dream of how I want my threesome to go and it doesn't go that way.
Dealing with Jealousy
00:19:27
funwithsexpodcast
Because I think like a lot of people imagine the woman and like a cis relationship, cis, had a relationship being the one I guess jealous, but from both of our like anecdotal experiences and like a survey saying men are less satisfied after the threesome.
00:19:41
funwithsexpodcast
normally it's the men who gets jealous in either a man on man three so i mean a man woman man threesome or a woman man woman threesome because like on the man woman man threesome they see their partner having sex and enjoying sex with another man and that threatens their masculinity and then when they have two women threesome they're not the focal point of both women desires and that makes them feel annoyed. So I think the best way to handle that is to say that like, hey, I'm having an emotion, but I also need to understand that like, my fantasy and my goals don't have to be the way that reality shakes out. Yeah. I think an important thing for everybody to communicate is that if you do have a preference going into the threesome, please communicate that beforehand.
00:20:30
funwithsexpodcast
there's so many threesomes where someone is like, I very clearly am doing this because I'm, I'm into one person a little bit more or like I want to experiment with this person, especially like coming from the single person and they don't communicate that. And it's okay to say to like, Hey, I have a preference or like, I would rather just hook up with this person, but like, let the couple know that beforehand. Or if you're a bi woman in like the relationship, talk to your husband and be like, Hey, i Want to like experiment with this woman if you're the bi person relationship because you can be a bi man too if you're the bi person relationship experiment Communicate to your partner that you want to just like experiment with this person So this person is going to be the focal point or if you're like, hey, I really want to do X Y and Z just so everybody knows what they're getting themselves into before the threesome and Then if they don't want to do it that gives them time to be like, hey I don't know if this is for me anymore because trust me it's better to have a
00:21:30
funwithsexpodcast
a bad threesome that never happens in the first place than to try to go through with something that like has bad vibes and then the threesome is bad and then now everybody has a traumatic experience. Yeah and that's why I think it's really important to actually like run through various scenarios of like what you do and don't want to happen and that can kind of help things come to the forefront. You know, maybe if you're bi and your partner's straight, you just kind of realize like, Hey, I really just want to experience someone of the same gender. And it would be cool if you were involved, but I'm really going to be giving most of the attention to the third and that sort of thing. And I think the like that's one thing I like people need to realize is that maybe what you're looking for is none monogamy and not a threesome.
Understanding Desires and Boundaries
00:22:21
funwithsexpodcast
and sometimes couples need to have that realization that maybe you don't want to have group sex you just want to fuck this third person which is okay but like to make sure no one gets hurt communicate that communicate that like i what I want is an open relationship uh the other thing that like I want to talk about the last name was since we're out of time there are like couples who have these rules about uh one penis policy or you're not allowed to fuck, the man is not allowed to fuck the woman or the man tells his partner that like we can't have a threesome for another man because I'm the only person that can have sex with you. Or no kissing. Oh yeah, or no kissing policies. How do you feel about those? I just, I think what I would say to those people is
00:23:18
funwithsexpodcast
I would say maybe try and reflect a little bit more about why you're feeling the need to put such strict boundaries on this person. um Like no kissing, for example. It's okay to say there are certain acts or certain intimate things you want to keep just in your relationship. We have things like that too. But at the end of the day, kissing is a major part of sex. So what is making you feel like you need to hinder your partner from experiencing a major part of sex with another person? Because it's probably some level of insecurity. And that's the same thing with like the one penis policy.
00:24:10
funwithsexpodcast
you know
00:24:13
funwithsexpodcast
I'm bisexual, I'm polyamorous, so penis and pussy, I view that the same way. I view that on the same level. So as a bi woman, I would personally be offended if my partner was like, oh, you can fuck whatever woman and non-binary people you want, but I'm the only dude. I would just feel kind of like, oh, do you not see my other encounters as like very real sex? The way that I feel it as like a closing note is as long as you communicate to all parties involved before the threesome happens, then this is your rules and they agree to it. That's between you guys. What I would say is that like maybe take the second and reflect on why. Yeah. Why don't you want your partner to kiss somebody else? Does it make you feel insecure because you feel that like kissing is more intimate?
00:25:06
funwithsexpodcast
than having sex. Well, why is that? Why does that make you feel throw it into your relationship? And then also the deeper questions to that. Like if you get the root of it, you may realize that there's something else causing you not to want your partner to have to kiss somebody. And again, like if that's something that makes you secure, especially your first three, some, and you communicate that to the person before you get in a bedroom and fine. The way that a view about one penis policies or like the opposite for when when women tell their partners that like they can't have sex with ah the woman during a threesome.
00:25:40
funwithsexpodcast
and so like i think it's it invalidates women relationships and women sex.
Rethinking Intimacy Norms
00:25:48
funwithsexpodcast
Because what you're saying is that like, the only thing that threatens our relationship, the only thing that is real sex is when a penis enters a vagina. And anything else that you guys do is not real sex, because it doesn't, it doesn't threaten in our relationship in the same way that like a penis in the vagina does. And I think this because Our society has put on a pedestal, vaginal penetration sex as the end all be all of romantic encounters. And I think what that really does is one, it hurts queer relationships, and two, it really devalues the women in the experience having sex. And like also women do it too with the idea of that like, I can eat out this person, you can eat out this third woman, but like you can't stick your dick in her because that's when things get too real.
00:26:35
funwithsexpodcast
And I think that like we need to all ask ourselves, why do we view penis sex on this pedestal that we don't view any other sex? Yeah. All right. Well, that's it for our podcast. Thank you for tuning in. ah See you next week.