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Myths About Group Sex
126 Plays3 months ago
In this episode of Fun with Sex, we break down the myths around group sex—covering everything from threesomes to orgies. We dive into communication, setting boundaries, managing jealousy, and creating safe, fun experiences. Whether you're curious or experienced, this candid chat makes group play less intimidating and way more approachable.
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Transcript
Introduction: Defining Group Sex
00:00:00
Jon McCray Jones
Hi, this is the Fun with Sex podcast, and I'm John. I'm Natalie. And today we'll be talking about demystifying and explaining group sex. So I guess to like give a quick start, how would you define group sex? I would say it is a sexual encounter where multiple people, like more than two, are interacting with each other in a sexual way. So like could you give some examples real quick?
00:00:26
Jon McCray Jones
Yeah. I mean, I think what most people are familiar with as a typical three way, you know, but it can also be for people. Like it's very common for couples to meet up and swap partners with another couple, or there's plenty of four ways where everybody is interacting the same amount with everyone else.
Fantasies and Myths: Is Group Sex Unsafe?
00:00:48
Jon McCray Jones
Yeah. And like to normalize it a little bit, I know that group play is stigmatized in our community and it's something that people looked down on, or they think that it's weird, but studies, and specifically one by Justin Lay Miller, found that over 80% of people, regardless of gender, have fantasized about group play. Admittedly, most people fantasize about threesomes, and I think that comes because, like you said, that's like the most relatable one. yeah It's the most like attainable version of group play that people see in the media. It's the one that seems the easiest to do, but also a huge
00:01:26
Jon McCray Jones
percentage of people have also like fantasized about like four sums or orgies and I guess like to get into myth number one is Can you talk about? How this comes up myth number one is group sex is always unsafe So can you talk about one consent and how that works in group sex
Safety and STI Risks: Are Group Settings More Dangerous?
00:01:46
Jon McCray Jones
and number two? There seems to be an idea about um STI is and sexually transmitted infections last diseases that you should be at a higher risk if you're having group sex Yeah, I mean, you know, I don't want to generalize for the entire population, but I can say in my experience, most people that participate in group sex actually are even more safe when it comes to sex versus, you know, you'll see a lot of monogamous people where they, you know, maybe the
00:02:21
Jon McCray Jones
woman in the relationship goes for a routine gyno visit they get an STD test and they're like what the fuck like my partner is cheating and gave me an STD and there's no open conversations about getting tested regularly or status things like that whereas With a lot of people who participate in group play, it's pretty normalized to be like, oh, by the way, I just tested negative. Here's my results. And having conversations about that and, you know, having conversations about what form of birth control you're using. Are we using condoms? I would say the vast majority of people do that sort of thing.
00:03:04
Jon McCray Jones
I think one of the biggest myths about STIs are that people who have group sex or have a lot of sex are the people who are at the most risk and that's only a half true. People who are sex positive and are okay with the fact that they're having a lot of sex with different people aren't at that much higher of a risk than monogamous couples.
00:03:26
Jon McCray Jones
Of course people who aren't having sex and people who are actually monogamous, where neither partner is cheating or having affairs, of course they have the lowest risk because if you're having sex with no one or only one partner and you both have previously tested negative for everything, you really aren't at a major risk to get any STIs.
00:03:47
Jon McCray Jones
But the myth is that if you're just having a lot of hookups or you're having a lot of sex, like you're non-monogamous and you're into group play, then you're at a high risk.
Consent and Communication: Why Are They Crucial?
00:03:55
Jon McCray Jones
But in reality, need those demographics are at a lower risk to people who are just doing like college hookups or people who have partners who have an affair. And this is because sex-positive communities are informed and willing to go get tested.
00:04:09
Jon McCray Jones
Whereas people who are having affairs or people who are still ashamed about the fact that they're having a lot of sex, refuse to go to clinics and receive a test because they don't want to test negative. They're more ashamed about testing negative and knowing that they have caught an STI because of how stigmatized that it is than they are about not knowing and potentially spreading an STI to different people versus people who are non-monogamous and people who do enjoy group s sex, whether it's gay men who are go to like bath houses or couples who go to swingers parties or other different ways that people participate in group sex community, the culture there that is normalized and everybody there should get tested on a regular basis and be pretty sex positive. Yeah.
00:04:59
Jon McCray Jones
And I guess like going into myth number two, can you talk about like how consent works? I think a lot of people when they think about like group sex scenarios, they think it's kind of just like a free for all and that like their boundaries won't be respected. Yeah, I think that's the part that the media gets super wrong is every time I see an orgy being portrayed in the media, it's always this like you know, chaotic, we lock eyes and we just instantly start fucking with no communication at all. And that's really just not how group play happens, especially when you consider how many different parties are involved. Um, you know, there's a lot going on there, so it's a lot easier to just have a conversation beforehand.
00:05:44
Jon McCray Jones
about your boundaries, what you're interested in doing and not doing, and to check in for consent along the way every step. Yeah, and that's like what I would recommend to somebody is that if this is your first group play scenario, do it with other people who have previously done group play. Because when things go wrong normally, it's the couple or the three random friends and no one has any experience doing this for this before, people are still kind of ashamed about participating in group sex. And when you're ashamed about something, you're less likely to communicate openly about it.
00:06:20
Jon McCray Jones
And these are the people where you're not going to have a sit down conversation of people saying, well, this is what I like. This is what I don't like. This is what I want to do. This is what I don't want to do because people are still, they feel stigmatized by admitting that and vocalizing that. So they're just like, Hey, we're going to go with the flow. And that's how consent gets violated.
Personal Stories: Do Boundaries Matter?
00:06:39
Jon McCray Jones
Whereas with more experienced people, normally in my experience, people will sit down on the bed and say they're like, hey, I'm okay with X, Y, and Z. I'm okay with participating with person A and person B, but not person C. And people have these open lines of communication that makes everyone feel safe. And the more consent-based a group is, the more likely you are to have a safe experience, if that makes sense.
00:07:03
Jon McCray Jones
Yeah, it's definitely a red flag if you're, you know, discussing with some people that you want to do group play, and they just don't want to have a conversation beforehand about boundaries and consent. I mean, I guess like going into like our story, we were in Miami one time, and we're in a group of what five people?
00:07:23
Jon McCray Jones
Yeah, and like we're a group of seven, but five of us have already previously played with each other multiple times and we knew each other's boundaries. So we were like, hey, let's have a conversation about boundaries. It was specifically for the new, for the two new people, because like us core five have already done things before and the two new people ignored us. They kept playing while we were having this consent conversation. We were going over like safe words and nonverbal cues and like,
00:07:51
Jon McCray Jones
nonverbal signs were like tap the person on the shoulder three times if you're uncomfortable with a situation and you don't Feel like vocalizing it and we can like all reset and check and have a check-in and this couple was new they said that this was their first time going to like a group play situation first time going to a sex club and then you seem like you want to say something do you want to take over the story or Yeah, um, I mean the Issue with them completely ignoring boundaries and consent as they clearly hadn't had a conversation about their boundaries beforehand Because one person saying they're okay with penetration another saying they're not Um, so that's like really step one if you want to do group play With a partner yeah and for context they were after we all started playing
00:08:41
Jon McCray Jones
They had multiple arguments between the two of them in front of everybody where they didn't know their boundaries were like, The boyfriend was like, yeah, we're okay with this. And the girlfriend was like, no, I'm actually not okay with this. And they're having this conversation during the play period where we tried to extend that invitation to do that before everybody started interacting. And again, it goes to the point I was making before that a lot of times it's the people who aren't experienced in group play that makes group play unsafe versus the people who are
00:09:13
Jon McCray Jones
more experienced and part of the culture because normally people who are bad actors who are experienced get pushed out of these communities because people know that they're bad actors. Yeah.
Stereotypes: Are Participants Just Party Animals?
00:09:24
Jon McCray Jones
So number two people who engage in group play are promiscuous or lack self-control. Yeah I think you know back to how the media portrays people who participate in group play is they're always kind of portrayed as this like party animal who's like doing a line of coke and then going in there and fucking like 10 people. Which is perfectly fine if everybody has sensed that beforehand. Yeah, which like sure there are some people like that, but there's also a lot of people who participate in group play and live pretty regular lives like the rest of us. What I like to add on to that is that one, the media does a really bad representation of people who are into group play and who are into orgies and sex loves.
00:10:09
Jon McCray Jones
Because in my experience, you're so more likely, especially if you're in the South, to find somebody who goes to a sex club on Saturday and then goes to church on Sunday morning. There's a crap ton of people in my experience who are teachers, in the medical industry, therapists,
00:10:26
Jon McCray Jones
um former military men we've like seen police officers i think the difference is that people who are a little bit more hippie or progressive are open about being a part of these communities yeah and have a little bit less shame about it the people who are like yeah i go to raves and do like more stimulating fun drugs and I also like to participate in like group sex they're more visual about it like you hear them talking about it versus the people who go see your sunday mass the next day or your sunday church service they will take that secret to their grave but they're in there just as much as everybody else's and multiple surveys done have shown that non-monogamy and group sex doesn't defer by
00:11:15
Jon McCray Jones
political orientation or hobbies or occupation or income. And also, like there's ah there's this idea that people who are having group sex are the young 20-year-olds in college. But statistically, people who are over the age of 45 and had kids who left the house are far more likely to participate in group sex than people who are 18, 19, 20 years old.
00:11:40
Jon McCray Jones
because by the time they get to 45, they kind of have this fucking mentality of like, I don't care if people judge me or not yeah versus the 18, 19, 20 year old are still scared about like, how will people perceive me when people still want to date me if I've had three sounds before, but like the couple who's been together for 20 years is like, I don't care. We're happily married and we want to kind of have a little bit more fun. Yeah.
Emotional Intimacy: Is It Lacking in Group Sex?
00:12:03
Jon McCray Jones
All right. group Our myth number three, group sex means no emotional intimacy.
00:12:09
Jon McCray Jones
Yeah, again, speaking from experience, I would say that's something that may be more popularized in swinger circles, but a lot of the people we interact with. um you know We have regular friendships outside of participating group play together. We you know go to the bars. We do fun stuff outside of the house. We do game nights. So yeah, I think for a lot of people also,
00:12:38
Jon McCray Jones
that kind of creates a more stressful scenario like, oh, I'm supposed to engage in sex with these people and then just like, never talk again or never hang out with them. I think that this really depended on, like you said, what community that you're a part of. I know for like,
00:12:58
Jon McCray Jones
a lot of swingers and gay men group sex communities there is this idea of like you come in you get your rocks off you have sex with people and we have this mutual agreement that like none of us are going to catch feelings even though that doesn't happen all the time for those communities either where they end up like I see these people all the time at these like group play spots and like I start building connections with them. I start having conversations. I start hanging out with them outside of these spaces because like we're humans and we need connection and actually we need community. But I know that like the culture there is a little bit less outside of these spaces we should hang out. But on the other hand, I'm in a little bit more like sapphic group play communities or communities that are like more polyamorous based.
00:13:47
Jon McCray Jones
There's like a lot of people where they refuse to have group play unless they have like emotional connections and know the people outside because it makes them feel so much safer. And again, like a lot of group play is just like couples who see other couples and like they're really good friends outside of the bedroom and like how they get the rocks off and they have like group sex together.
00:14:08
Jon McCray Jones
or a couple who are like simultaneously dating a third person, no matter what the gender makeup is, and like they view this third person as part of their relationship. Or polycules, where these people are all dating each other and meeting each other as romantic partners, and when they're together, they half like group sex together. yeah So I think that like the emotional intimacy is just like any other, like regular sex, it depends on context. Just like two people who meet each other at a bar and go home one night,
00:14:37
Jon McCray Jones
aren't going to have emotional intimacy the first time they have sex or maybe ever just like group play where some communities and some people have emotional intimacy with the people that they do this with and other people is more like, no, this is super casual and it's a way to like have fun.
Settings and Scenarios: Where Does Group Sex Happen?
00:14:55
Jon McCray Jones
ah Myth number four, group sex only happens in key communities or wild part or wild parties.
00:15:03
Jon McCray Jones
Yeah, you know, again, back to the stereotypes. In my experience, every single type of demographic and person is represented. I mean, even thinking back to like a lot of the people who come to our sex parties, they're not necessarily like hardcore partiers. They might go to a bar with us from time to time, but they're not like going out every single weekend or doing anything super wild. I was going to say that like,
00:15:34
Jon McCray Jones
Between the Swinger and the Poly community, the people who go to these group sex spaces, that is their one night out that they have like a month. These are the people who are like going out partying every weekend and like going to the club. I've actually really found that people who do that are a little bit less receptive of group sex.
00:15:56
Jon McCray Jones
I think like the only caveat is like the EDM community, the electronic dance music dance music community, yeah they seem to be a little bit more open with like non-monogamy and stuff like that. But like your typical bar and nightclub, a lot of people seem like ah they get the rocks off by going to the bar in a nightclub and not group play versus the people who like go to specific group play situations.
00:16:20
Jon McCray Jones
are people who like specifically get their rocks off by going this is their community this is their third space this is their way of getting outside the house but also like a lot of like group play situations that like I've seen in settings are just like a group of seven eight friends and they're at somebody's house and like they come over in a hangout and like what brings them together is the fact that this is a group play situation. But it's just like a normal hangout. It's the same way that like people would come together to watch the Super Bowl together, even though not like not everybody's into the Super Bowl, this is just a way to bring people together. Yeah. Yeah. And like I think that like the like the theme of this entire conversation
00:17:03
Jon McCray Jones
The settings that sex parties happen is and the people who participate in them are like very diverse. There's not one demographic or one type of space that like group play happens. It can happen at like a wild swinger's club. It could happen at the after party of an EDM party. It can also happen with like two couples go on a date together or not just couples. Any group of two to three people going three plus people go on a date together and they come home and they have group sex or a group of a couple friends come over and they're like, Hey, like I want, let's all have this like shared, not exotic, shared experience together. Yeah. Do you want to add to that or should I move on to myth number
Gender Dynamics: Are Only Men Interested?
00:17:47
Jon McCray Jones
five? Uh, let's hear meth number five. Myth number five is in cis relationships. So think cis men, cis women. Uh, only the man is interested in group sex.
00:18:00
Jon McCray Jones
Yeah, you know, I think that's a common stereotype I see with non-monogamy in general is it's always kind of assumed that the man is just pushing the woman to do this and she's secretly unhappy with the choices. And I think it just comes back to the societal standards that as a woman, you're not supposed to be as into sex as the man is.
00:18:26
Jon McCray Jones
And you know I think not only is it an anti-feminist argument, but it's also kind of like a queer erasure argument. like There are people where the way they view an FFM three-way is like, oh, it's for the guy. She's doing this for the guy. And it's like, so you're just assuming that she's not bi as fuck and really wants to fuck a woman in front of her man.
00:18:53
Jon McCray Jones
I think the two things that like really goes against this argument is that one, there are sapphic only play parties, play parties where only women are invited. And again, if this is for the man's pleasure, then why are these like groups of women coming together for group play? And the other thing is that like Natalie was saying, by women and by men exist. And like a lot of the couples that I've met or a lot of the people that I've met,
00:19:22
Jon McCray Jones
not centering couples who are anti-group sex or like bisexual people. And I understand that there is a stigma or a stereotype that bi people are hypersexual. But surveys in polling does back up that the people who participate in a majority of group sex experience are bi people. And a lot of bi women and bi men see group sex as the way that they can I guess validate their identity in a way that you don't have to choose between one or the other for genders that you're attract attracted to and that you can explore the range of gender diversity in different ways and like at the same time and be able to experience you're a bi man, a man and a woman or if you're a bi woman, a woman and a man and I think that
00:20:05
Jon McCray Jones
the whole, oh well the woman is not interested in group sex situation comes from the stereotype that women can't be hypersexual and that like sex is for the man and the rest of the stuff of the relationship is for the women and that women aren't sexual beings, which is highly problematic, highly man-centered and it like takes agency away from a lot of women who enjoy sex. Yeah.
Open Discussions: How Do They Reduce Stigma?
00:20:30
Jon McCray Jones
So I guess like what do you think is the benefits of having open conversations around group sex?
00:20:35
Jon McCray Jones
I mean, you know, destigmatizing it is super important because I mean, for myself, thinking back to when I was less open about things, it's it gets to a certain point where it's very hard to just not be honest with the rest of the world. Like I have all these friends and the way we met is we have a mutual interest in group play.
00:21:04
Jon McCray Jones
And I'm just always having to like, you know, kind of cover up how we met, how we know each other, how we're so close, that sort of thing. So by being honest with people about that sort of thing, you're de-stigmatizing it so we can all, you know, be more honest in this society. And also the other thing I've realized is, you know, with anything when you're working to de-stigmatize it,
00:21:32
Jon McCray Jones
So you're very open and authentic about it. You know, it helps a lot of people understand their desires as well. Like I've had a lot of people where, you know, I tell them this is something I do and they're like, you know, Oh, they think about it a little bit. And they're like, honestly, that sounds kind of fun. And I do think the lake from a harm reduction stands, like while validating everything that you said about, like it reduces shame and overall stigmatization.
00:22:01
Jon McCray Jones
I think from a harm reduction stance is that people have been having group sex for as long as we've been humans, and probably since before we've been humans. I mean, bonobos participate in group sex. And our closest one of our closest ancestors in the ape line. But this is something we've always done. And the more you talk about it, and the more opening you about it, and the more you establish norms and procedures, the more it gives people a guideline on how to do it safely.
00:22:28
Jon McCray Jones
because like there's a big difference between four people who are drunk one night all jumping in bed together and they don't want to talk about it because they're ashamed to stigmatize and then they all just jump in bed and no one communicates boundaries or like ah consent language and then somebody gets hurt versus like hey you can listen to this podcast on group sex you can have a conversation with your partner or partners about participating and then and it you know like hey I should have a conversation about consent before I should have like nonverbal signs for people to be able to use to interact with each other to say that they want to stop or take a break we should do like verbal check-ins while having group sex and make sure everybody's having a good time and since people are going to do it anyways
00:23:12
Jon McCray Jones
setting the culture and procedures of how to do it ethically and safely makes it a better experience for everyone. Yeah.
Tips for Safety: How to Ensure a Positive Experience?
00:23:19
Jon McCray Jones
I think that like the last thing is that like it encourages open communication in general around it. So then like it's just normalized and then people can have healthier relationships with their own sexuality. Yeah, definitely. And it allows people to feel comfortable exploring something instead of spending their whole life thinking, what if?
00:23:41
Jon McCray Jones
And like if I just want to give some parting tips, I would say that if you're planning on having a group sex situation, one, have a conversation where you establish your boundaries before.
00:23:52
Jon McCray Jones
Two don't be afraid to say no no matter how much The person is nice to you or how much you're having? Emotional connection with the person if you don't feel like having sex with somebody even if it makes the situation Awkward or if it makes a situation not happen in the world use your nose say like hey I don't feel comfortable having sex with this person or I don't want to have sex with this person and that's okay Uh, discuss STI, uh, practices and like, Hey, we want to use condoms or hate. We don't want to use condoms, but we got tested X, Y, and Z date. And having that open communication is perfectly fine. Uh, go slow. If you see your first time, don't just jump into.
00:24:34
Jon McCray Jones
a very rapid experience and like allow yourself to midway through to say that like, Hey, this doesn't feel like something I like and give yourself the space to like take back and say like, I don't want to do this anymore. And that's okay. And afterwards go through the process of recognizing that you may feel jealous if this is something new to you or you may have like a negative reaction that doesn't mean that the experience was bad or that your consent was violated but because like you're so monogamy culture is so normalized and like shame around sexuality is so normalized you may walk away from this and say that like ooh I feel a little bit icky about participating in group sex and it may not be because the group sex was bad or that the participants were bad but that
00:25:21
Jon McCray Jones
this internalized shame around monogamy and purity culture makes you feel this way. Yeah. All right. Well, this has been the Fun with Sex podcast. Have a nice one.